#467 - This Is A Bad Sign
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Welcome back to the basement Welcome back to the basement yard. You're gonna keep all the big fat nut talking We're gonna keep all the big fat nuts. Josh leave all the nuts in. Josh. Actually, no take them out. Should we leave them in? Uh Monetization. We'll probably just get. Josh take them out. Take out your nuts. Take out our nuts. No, yeah. No wait Take out take out any talk as of right now

In this recording? No, we're good right here. I think where I started when I said, welcome back to the basement yard, we can start from there. Josh, start from there. Yeah, nothing about nuts. Yeah. Let the people wonder. Stop saying nuts. Well, nuts could be peanuts, which are technically legumes. Walnuts. Cashews. Cashews, which are... What the hell is a cashew? A nut. It's not a nut, though. It's not? I don't think it's a nut. I think it's technically a berry. It's a cashew. What? I think... Look, look, look. Look, look, look.

Are you pranking? No, I think so. I think walnuts are nuts. I think tree nut, you know. Is a cashew a nut? I think it's technically a berry. It's a berry, right? What the fuck? What is it saying? It says botanically. Starting a sentence like that, fucking shoot me. Who wrote this, Poison Ivy? Yeah.

Super hot in that Batman movie. Who was that? Which one? The Poison Ivy. Oh, Uma Thurman. Oh, wow. Botanically... You didn't know that? No, I don't. She was... I don't know. She had a lot of makeup, red hair, stuff like that. She did. And she was just horny, dude. Mad horny in that movie. When was the last time you watched that 97? I love that Batman. Dude, it is so bad by like...

Really? Critical standard. I loved it. Go watch it back. It's nearly unwatchable. She kisses people and they get poisoned and die. But also horny, dude. She like... Yeah, because she's so... Batman and Robin almost fight for her a little bit. Well, she moves horny like a cat. She does, but she's not Catwoman. No. She is...

Poison Ivy. She's Poison Ivy. Which her real name is, Doctor... Doom. No, that's... I don't know. Pamela Isley. Come on, Joey. Figure it out. Oh, we've added so much to the conversation. A lot of her origin is linked to who? The Floronic Man. Right. Which is also linked to what other DC property? No one cares. Swamp Thing. I am married with a woman wife who is real and has skin. That's a weird way to say it. Why did you say that?

Why did you feel the need to specify that? She's not a pillow. She's not a robot. She's got skin and hair and teeth. For now. And can be identified by the government. Dude, go watch that movie. I loved it. All of it's on Max. So good still, but like bad. You know what I love? That her name is Poison Ivy. And when she kisses people, they just die and they don't get Poison Ivy.

Well, yeah. It's like she's like... She's poisonous. I know, but I think the poison like a... Oh, sexual poison. Like she's just like... I have you under my spell poison. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stuff like that. Like, you know, like she's like... You know, like she's lethal. That's what I'm looking for here. Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't know if you were talking about like STDs or something. No, no, no. That would make more sense if she was poison ivy. And her superpower was just giving STDs. You just got mad itchy and burny. Yeah, exactly. It's like, I'm coming to get you, Batman. But first, chlamydia. Yeah, exactly. No, dude. Or like that's how she gets them. She gives them chlamydia. Imagine being a Batman and you have chlamydia or whichever one makes your dick like itchy and shit. And then you're in the bad suit. Bro, you got to take the whole suit off.

Well, I'm sure Batman has figured out a way to pee in a suit or like an easy pee out of his suit. You know what? You go back and watch Batman. You look at the suit. There's no way for him to fit his hand into the pants. Bro, they had, I mean, that was like in the fucking like Batman fandom. Those movies are really popular in the sense of like they like ruined Batman for a while. Because he can't piss. Not only that, but bat nipples, dude. They put nipples on the Batman suit. Oh, yeah.

You're watching this movie. Representation. Nipples. You know what? Honestly, big nipple. We need big nipple. Women. And nipples. And women. I'm going to talk to you guys. What was that? Um.

You guys, like you've been saying free the nipple. Right. Batman started the free the nipple movement first. Technically. Just saying. Diamondly hard nipples, by the way. Yeah, like really hard. Diamondly is not a adjective. Diamandic. Yeah, no. When someone is studded in diamonds, it's diamandic. Yeah. When was the last time you got poison ivy? If ever. I'm immune. Wait, what? Yeah, I'm immune to poison ivy. Frank. Listen to me. This is not a bit. Medically? Medically? Someone told you that? I have run out of time.

You think you look like Jason Momoa, and now you're... Are you like... It's like that type of thing? I can with confidence tell you I have played in Poison Ivy at the... Why? Not like on purpose, but like we've been like manhunt and running this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I've been in Poison Ivy. I have not gotten Poison Ivy. Okay. I'm going to get some... That was when years ago when it was around at all time. Maybe now I'm not immune to it. Yeah. Frank. I'm letting... Joey, I swear on my children. You can't make a blanket...

You can't make a blanket statement like, I'm immune to poison ivy if you're not 100% sure. You played Manhunt and touched some leaves and you were like, never got it. No, I'm telling you. I'm telling you seriously. Who told you that? The doctor or you just said it? I have been in and around vegetation that has confirmed poison ivy and I have not gotten poison ivy. But I'm saying it like this because...

I'm getting poison ivy in here. You know that, right? Bring it in, bitch. And I'm rubbing it all over your arms. All right. But like growing up, we had a cat as a pet.

Never allergic to cats. Saw a cat years after my cat had passed, and I got a little itchy, itchy, bitchy. Okay. So it's like the... So you think that maybe you have... Maybe through time, because I've not played in Poison Ivy in a while, I've established a sensitivity to it. But jokes aside, I have legitimately at one point in my life was immune to it.

This is ridiculous. I'm- Joey, I have no reason to lie about this. You think it makes me cooler that I'm a music- I think that you think it makes you cool! It does not! It's absolutely not something that I would boast about. Oh, I'm a music- I'm a music. Bro, you're an idiot. Load the gun. Shoot it until I'm dust.

But go watch that 97 Batman and Robin movie. That's with Jim Carrey, right? No, that's the 95 Batman Forever. So who else is in the Poison Island? So Batman Forever, the one you're referencing. Oh, the green guy with the thing. That's Bane, I know. Can you? The 95 Batman Forever you're referencing is Tommy Lee Jones' Two-Face. Right. Jim Carrey is the Riddler.

And then Batman, but Val Kilmer Batman. And Dr. Chase Meridian. Yes. Nicole Kidman. Right. And then 1997, Batman and Robin. Same director, different Batman. Same Robin. Same Alfred. Different villains. In that one, you got... Mr. Freeze. Mr. Freeze, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah. You have Poison Ivy, Uma Thurman. You have Bane, played by some... I don't know, some nobody. Some jacked guy. And then Batman is...

George Clooney? That's right. Yeah. Doesn't look like you. Well, go watch it. It's so bad, it's good. No, I think... All right, everyone, chill. Yeah. You know? Chill. Won't kill the dinosaurs. The Ice Age! Yes, he does say that.

The toy lines for those movies. Which one was the one where, like, Batman is... Or Robin's, like, in an alley and all these guys that are, like, thugs are, like, in neon paint? Either one of those two movies. I think it was Forever. Because that's what they... They'd be like, oh, no, the scariest place, Gotham. And they're in fucking...

Neon colors. There's like black lights everywhere. It's looking like a raid. Yeah. Dude, these people on MDMA, like these aren't folks. Yeah. That shit looked pretty fun. I'm not going to lie. It looked mad fun. I would, I'll be honest with you. I'm a scaredy cat.

If there are neon lights, I'm less of a scaredy cat. It is a little more inviting to me. And maybe it's because I am part moth. I'm not quite sure. You aren't. You're not immune to poison ivy, and you're not a moth. Okay. Sorry to break your dreams. Kill your dreams. Whatever it is. You're on a fucking roll today. Fried. I get on a plane in 12 hours. I'm excited for that. Way more than 12 hours, but okay. 24 is what I meant to say. Even more than 24 if we want to be like actually...

I'm going to punch you. You're going to sock me? I'm going to sock you. One time I went to a club and it was like, I don't know, I didn't pick it, but it was like a jungle theme type of thing. But it was black lights and there was a bunch of fruit hanging. Like real fruit? Fruit. But they had paint to make them like glow. And I bit a banana and it wasn't, it didn't taste good.

Where was the banana when you bit it? Hanging. From whom? A string. And I jumped up and grabbed it and I bit it. Yeah? What was the guy's name who the string was hanging on? Oh, no. It wasn't a penis thing. Do you remember when we were like, you know, 18, 19, 20, around that age, the thing of like the necklaces, like the light... What are those called? The neon necklaces? Glow sticks. Yeah. Do you remember... First of all...

Don't know why this was a thing, but when we were teenagers, it was the thing that like, guidos or like wannabe guidos would frolic. Yep. And it was- Shuffling, essentially. It wasn't even just shuffling, but then they included a thing that was like, they would put glow sticks in between their hands like this. And they, yeah, they would do this while fucking like-

Yeah. It was the dumbest thing you could imagine. And then the finger gloves. They had the lights at the end of their fingers. Yeah, they'd be like, oh my God, I can't. They would...

I think that's still a thing. Well, also stupid. But do you remember when it was a thing that they would break the glow sticks and like put them in their mouths and shit like that? No. Yes. Yes, dude. Have you done it? No. Has it been done at a party where I've gotten some residual glow stick juice on me? Yes. That has happened to me too. Yes. And I thought I was going to, you guessed it, pass away. Well, they had the mouth ones too. What's that? Oh, yeah. They were like little pills they looked like. Oh. And you'd put them in your mouth and it'd be like.

I do remember that. It looked like a... What's that called? Like a mouthpiece. And it would light up. Yes, yes. Who needs their mouth to light up? I don't know. But I remember that was a big thing. It would be called like a glow-in-the-dark parties. And people would break glow sticks and just throw the juice everywhere. What is a glow stick? It's some... It reacts to certain light. Because all those lights... It's black lights, dude. Oh, you gotta crack them.

You do. You create some form of a chemical reaction in this thing. So weird. You remember like they were just like, oh, if you want to keep them, put them in the freezer. Yeah. Like why would I need, why would I need a glow stick like that? Glow sticks are pretty cool. They are cool when you're 11. That is true. Or very drunk.

Also true. Like at a wedding, bro, when they start breaking out the inflatables. I hate that shit, dude. They did that when we were like younger. It would be like they had inflatable hands and they would always wait until you, they fucking with the song like, Maybe hands up. Give me, give me your heart. Give me. Fuck you, wedding. Yeah. You know what I fucking hate at weddings? So one, I do like a photo booth or some photo opportunity.

but the props the props glasses oh a mustache on a stick they'll never know who you are yeah oh cowboy hat bro let's get some crazy in here yeah get a actual knife yeah give me a gun dude give me a gun give me a real life parrot that i can sit on my shoulder i hate that a chainsaw something cool it'll be like let's take a picture hugging now let's do a

do a funny one. Let's do a fucking carrot top. I hate it. I hate that shit too. I've done it before. The worst are the ones that have the little signs on them where it'll be like

She's taking me home tonight and then they'll and the girl or the guy well whoever you're doing diddles with will say like I'm taking them home tonight, and it's just like I'm with I'm with stupid. Yeah, I'm with stupid you're You're both idiots fat morons 110% I don't know what I don't know why I hate them so much I could see the war like the boa. Oh Look at me

Look at me, I got the bow on! I'm fucking- are you kidding me? What is this? What is this, cor- or- oh my god, those things suck so bad. The worst one is definitely the mustache on a stick. That's my least favorite. There is one that I like.

It's the Viking helmet. They have like... The Viking helmet's got two horns. Now we're getting warmer. No, no, no. We're getting warmer. I'm not a fan of any of them. I will say I have considered because of one of those things buying an actual sailor hat. But...

That's that's not happening anytime soon. Yeah, uh, um, you know the sailor has no I know that like ship captains wear Yeah, like a captain's hat. Yes a captain's hat. You thought you were gonna go out and buy one I've I've considered it because I thought I looked pretty good in it. Where would you wear it the beach the beach? You're gonna wear a captain's hat to the beach. It's a thought that I've had it's a bad one. Oh

I think I would look fantastic in it. I do love photo booths, so. I like, I like them when they're just like, you be the photos, not like fucking, put this giant gold chain on that has a dollar sign on it. Put a pimp hat on. That's a real crime, and there are real victims of it.

It's so true! What are we doing, folks? It's so true! If I go to a wedding, and we're going to one soon, and there's one of those baskets that have props, I'm letting you know, I'm drinking a ton, I'm getting rid of that basket. I'm knocking the thing over. That basket is going to disappear. We should bring our own props. Like real ones. A real gun. Yeah, I'm going to walk a donkey into this place. Everyone can take a seat on it, take a picture. Yeah.

Dude, also, if you're going to go into one of those photo booths, it's a booth.

One of those pictures have to have some sort of nudity in it. Well, I told you that this happened to me, right? You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. You found someone's tits or something. Bro, Miles, Becca, and I went to the American Dream Mall. And we went to that little water park in there. And on the way out, we stopped by. We were like, this will be fun. And we took some pictures, you know, just like, ha-ha, funny, happy, good time. Yeah. And then we went to go get it. And Miles goes, what's this? He picked it up. Titties. And it was not just titties. Penises? No. Penises.

It was someone, like a woman with her tit out and the person with her sucking this thing. Was it a guy? Yes, it was a guy. I just wanted to get a visual of this thing. But like Miles being a fucking at the time seven year old. Yeah.

Fully watching. Guy knows what's going on. Well, now he does. He had no choice. He learned that day. That's how you're supposed to do a photo booth, though. You're supposed to take your pictures, though, for God's sake. Well, if you're doing it at a wedding, that's open. But you can be like a guy being like, here's my tit or here's my butt.

One of them. No. One of them. You have to. You can just take some normal pictures. No, that's boring. Well, it is. You take a normal one, you go, hi, and then the rest of them are just fucking mayhem. And the last one is like someone's tits are out. Fucking my- You're trying to will this into existence, are you? You're trying to- Guys, if you go anywhere Joe might also possibly be one day, just start leaving pictures of your butts out or something out for Joe to find it. No, I'm not trying to make it.

Joe wants to find your butt. No one wants to find your fucking butt. I'm saying I want to leave my butt for the machine. Nudity. A butt. A man's butt. You are exposing yourself. Is a man's butt nudity? What happens if a child sees that? A man's butt?

Not if I was out and Ruby and I did one of those photo booths with Ruby and it was cute or Maeve or even miles Yeah, and he opens it up and there is a man's ass Furious I'm letting you know this won't be like a simple like what it will be pure fury and Okay, absolute a ball of fire. I've never been in a photo booth outside of a wedding So I'm thinking full adults here

And, you know. There are also children at weddings sometimes. Bad ones. Sometimes. Bad weddings. I'll confirm that. Sometimes you are correct. When I was younger and I was like, what the fuck? I didn't get invited. As I got older, I was like, all right, I get it. Yeah, I had gone. I had not gone to any weddings from like 2000 to like 2013. Yeah. Like it was a long time and maybe even longer than that, honestly. Probs, yeah. But now I've said it before and I'll say it again.

This all goes to shit which the pod pod Patreon everything you lose all your money Would you know I'd already lost it right point in time we could do like a party service We could be hosts of weddings dude wedding DJs not DJs. I don't want to fuck with the music wedding MCs MCs we would crush

I'm glad that I heard you were saying what you were saying because I would have thought it was something in another language that would have been insensitive. No, no, no. I was trying to say... How you doing tonight? How's the party tonight? It sounded like it. I could do an electric side with an old woman or something. You can feel it. It's

It's electric. Give the mic to someone. That's right. Old woman, get her dancing. Yeah. Remember what happened to me last time I got an old woman to dance? She almost fucking rid you to hell. She wanted to ride me like I was the fucking, you know. Kingda Ka. Kingda Ka. She wanted to ride me like I was a 1920s Ford. Okay? The Model T. Yeah. All right.

Old mama was cooking that night. She said, you want to get naughty or raw or raunchy or something like that. Raunchy. Let's get raunchy. Let's get raunchy. And I was just like, I am 24 years old. I am trying to survive. She was ready. You weren't, you weren't, you weren't. What if she was 10 years younger? Then she'd be 90. No. First of all, I was in a relationship with Becca when this happened. So there was 24. Well, I wasn't 24. I think it was like 25. Oh, I was going to say. Oh.

Might have been 24. I thought you were 26. Becca and I met on my 24th birthday. 24th? 24th birthday. Did you? Yeah. First interaction that we had was on my 24th birthday. Where was that? I'm not going to reveal. It was online.

Oh. The first time we interacted. You made it seem like you were like. Interaction. In person. I solicited her for fucking, you know, I met her on a corner or something. No, but you made it seem like that's the time we met, but like talking online. Well, yeah. I mean, the first interact. That's why I recanted it. And I said the first interaction we had. Thank you for the recantion. Yeah. Is that a word? Nope.

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yeah did you just sorry do you just compare the patreon to godzilla by the way back there it's just like godzilla i did um but i was actually i brought up a sign earlier and i pulled up something for this episode that i wanted to talk about not talk about show you but you've obviously seen the abundance of like have you ever been to like a home goods or a tj maxx or hobby lobby i love i've never what is it i don't know what hobby lobby

I've never been inside. I've never seen a photo of one. Oh, really? I know HomeGoods. I know HomeGoods. HomeGoods, you know, Marshalls, TJ Maxx. Right. You know, stuff like that. Hobby Lobby is basically just a bigger version of those places. Okay. And there's more, like, they have, like, cloth for people that, like, sew and shit like that. Oh, they got, like, yarn in there? There's also some stuff about their, like, political views that we're not going to get into. But...

The point of this story is you've obviously seen those, like the signs that they have there. That'll be like, live, laugh, love. Eat. Yeah. Eat in, you know, fucking cursive lettering. When we were in Atlanta, our Airbnb had eat in the dining room. Well, it had three words and we couldn't tell what the last word was. Oh, that was a different one. There was. And we were just like, huh? Yeah. It said like.

Laughs something and then it was family, but it looked like like I look freaky. It looks yeah And I was like what the fuck is that did it looked like I think I said I was like it says fortune Like we couldn't tell and then they're like the jars that have they're like white and they had that like black Like fucking Tim Burton lettering that'll just say like coffee on the jar. Yeah, rice Yeah, you know a bowl a bowl and it'll say bowl on it. Yeah, bro. Oh

I thought of you the other day because I was... I hope you think of me more. Okay. But I thought of you the other day because you've made this joke so many times on the show and I thought it was just a joke, but I went for a run and while I was on it, a guy was running this way and he... Oh, no, he was on a bike and he was wearing a shirt that said pants.

I hate this so much. I was like, oh my God, it's real. Yeah, of course it's real. A hat that says socks or some shit like that. I was on the Williamsburg Bridge and I was like, fuck. Yeah, there are so many of those like ironic Brooklyn like clothing lines. His shirt said pants. I wanted to be like, dot me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that like now people try to be funny on like t-shirts and stuff, you know like the one that I hate is the one that it's like it says beer, but it's a deer holding beer and

That's kind of cool. I like that. Is it? Bear. No, it's stupid. I like animals. That's why. I do like animals. But I pulled up what I believe are some of the worst versions of these signs. Oh, yes. And I need you to tell me if you believe the people... Well, first of all, if you like the signs, if you would ever have them in your house. I already know. None of them? Nope. None of them. I don't want any signs that say things on them. Okay. Okay.

How sad are these people on a range of like, okay, like really sad or like just having a tough day? Actually, let's not rank if we would have them in our houses. Cause I think we know we wouldn't. Okay. We should rank on if Ahmed would have them in his house.

You know, like those signs that just say grateful. Yeah. Like your day is as beautiful as you. It doesn't. Bro, you know what I just thought about that just made me think about something? When, I don't know if you remember this, but it's not there anymore. But when you used to walk into my house, you know, there's that closet immediately. Yep. There was a picture right to the right.

Like on that wall, the same wall that the closet, there's a small wall right next to it. Yep, I remember. And there was a photo there of a kid touching the glass. And like, yes, yes, I know. And it looked like it was, was it your house? No. It looked like it. Bro, I asked my mom one day. I was like, who is that?

And she's like, I don't know. It's just a picture. So the first thing you see when you walked into my house was just a... My mom went to the store and just bought a thing. And what was ever in the frame, she put it on there. I remember that. I remember that. And it was a child. The first thing you saw when you walked into the house where there were four children was a child that was...

Neither of us. Yeah, none of us. Yeah, so this is what we'll do. We'll rank these. We'll tell if we believe Ahmed would have them in his house. Because for those of you guys that haven't gotten to know Schmitty, as people now famously know him, Schmitty official, go check him out.

He is like at equal parts the funniest but most wholesome person. Yeah. Like you could be like, oh man, I'm having a tough day. And like everyone would be like, ha ha, loser. And he'd be like, you are beautiful. And love will come in folds to you, tenfolds. Or if you ever say like, oh my God, I'm such an idiot. He goes, don't talk about yourself like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like not like a joke. No, he's serious. Very serious. So, okay. So I have about ten of these. So first one.

Hit me. I'm actually really excited about this. And should I send them to you too after the show so you could like... Sure. Sure. This one here. It says, in script, people are the worst. Who's putting that in their house and where? We know someone who might have this because they have the whole like, oh, people. Oh my God. I'd rather hang with my dog.

You know, and it's like, shut the fuck up. Where would you even put that? Like in your fucking living room? Yeah. People are the worst. I'm kidding. We're all here. Yeah. You're so ironically comedically hilarious. And also white as fucking shit. Yeah. The script lettering, that lettering, whoever. It's reserved for white. Mr. Or Mrs. Helvetica or like the Comic Sans twins, whoever makes these fonts. Comic Sans twins? Yeah. I don't know who they are. Oh, okay.

I'm saying like whoever made those fonts like who's Times New Roman? That's the name of the font. I know but like who made it who is miss is his name time? No, or is his name like first name Tim last name middle name enu last name Roman. Well, that sucked Yeah

I think it's supposed to be like Roman lettering, but then it's like new for the times. It's new. Yeah. It's a New York Times. It's new for the times of today. Right. Yeah. Times new Roman. Yeah. This one sucks so bad. Yeah. People are the worst. Then who do you like? Yeah. Would a man have this in his house? No, he loves people. He loves people. Yeah.

Don't talk to me unless I've had my coffee. Shut the fuck up. Also, yeah. Also a really bad one, but not on this list. I tried to pick some that we've never seen before. Okay, good. All right. This next one is one that at a certain point, I think you would have had in your house. Me? You. Not your mom, not your dad. Me. You might have had in your house. Not me. Not only you. What is it?

That's a terrible idea. I'm in. Shut the fuck up. You'd have that. No, you would. No, you would. You would definitely have this. No, you would have it. And you would wear it under the skinniest, thinnest blazer you've ever seen. That would be a sign on your room if it was written in graffiti. But it would have to be written like that. But it's written in finger. It's written in finger. So that means someone hilariously wrote in finger, I'm in. Sounds like a terrible idea.

I've got a case of bullets to put in the back of your skull. Sounds like a terrible idea. I'm in because I'm so edgy. Because you're edgy. Oh my God, that's so witty because like normally people wouldn't want to be in on a bad idea. You're adventurous and dangerous. Oh my God. Spontaneous. The worst one is, and I could say this with full honesty, I am a reformed piece of shit.

I had actually used this line before. Oh my god, hold on, let me put my seatbelt on. Go. Yo, you remember the cars that would automatically put seatbelts on? Yo. The coolest invention. Why have we gotten away from this? Are you kidding me? I hated those things. I would plug in and all of a sudden be like, I just hit my head so hard on the fucking wall. That hurt so bad. I felt that in my chest, dude. Yo, that hurt so bad. Oh, fuck. I don't know if I'm going to dent in the room.

He's crying. Dude. Oh my god. I slammed my head just now. Oh god almighty, that's fucking funny. But those things, they'd just be like, and take you back. I thought we peaked as a society when we had cars that automatically buckled you in. Okay, moving on. Oh, the thing I actually said non-ironically Please, please. was the whole no great story starts with a salad. You know where it's just like...

You ever heard that one? Where it was just like... Frank, where did you say that? Like at a Red Lobster or something? No, you probably... You probably said it to the waitress. Like, you want a drink? Well, no great story starts when I'll take the salad. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So, all right. So now the question we've all been wondering. Would Ahmed have the sign in his house? It doesn't feel like an Ahmed one. It doesn't? And I'll tell you why.

He's a little more... He's not in for terrible ideas. He's not. He's not. He's very much so like, I want to make sure the decision I'm making is good for me and good for the people around me. So if that's a terrible idea, he's not in. But I will tell you this, that doesn't mean that Ahmed hasn't had some terrible ideas. 100%. He's had some bad ones. And has been in on those. Yeah, like it's not a terrible idea if you come up with it. It's a terrible idea if someone else says it and you think it's terrible.

I don't know what you're saying, but okay. Yeah. Okay. So far, 0 for 2. Ahmed is probably going to get a bunch of tags in this. Guys, find these signs, tag Ahmed in it, don't tell him more. This one, I can almost guarantee Ahmed would have in his house. What does it just say? Like worship? No, it says, the worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them. When Ahmed hears that, he might get it tattooed on his ribs. Honestly, this one.

I'm pretty sure this is a Sam Smith line, so he might have already used this seriously. What is it about? Is it about the dead? Is it about the dead? I don't know. It's like, I guess it's like you're longing for someone, but why would you put that on a sign in your house? In your own house. Or home, whatever. Is this for people who are like into incest? It's like, this person's right next to me, but I can't have him. Ill, ill, ill. It's going in someone's house. I just think that like, this is for like people that want to show like,

People are putting this up like, what's this? Talk to me. Yeah, right? You can, someone that is heartbroken buys this. That's a weird thing to have in your house. This is also one of those signs that like I had to read four times to understand. It's like the whole like sex panther. 60% of the time it works every time. Right. I don't get that still. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them. I think that's when you go and visit your grandma at like a

Oh, oh, well I wouldn't, any of my loved ones, I wouldn't describe loving them as having them. That's a sex thing. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't be like, dude, oh my God, I long to have you. You'd be like, you want to fuck me. Right. Yeah. And I don't. I know. Uh,

Yeah, I don't know. That's a weird one. Because where is it? It being up in your house is strange. And also, it's... Like your family's reading that. And it's a conversation piece. Let's be honest. You're putting it there to get people to just be like, uh-oh. Who do you want? I'm sitting at home. That's what you want. You want to be sitting with your crush and they see it and they go, oh my, it's been me all along.

It's been you all along. I don't know that that's going to happen with that hung up in your house. We can, with complete unanimous agreement, agree that this is going in Ahmed's house. 100%. If it's not already there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. That's an Ahmed one for sure. Okay. This next one, I feel like...

I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into meds. I don't think this will go into

I had no, I was like, what the fuck does that mean? You thought someone was putting sprinkles on a toilet? Yeah, enough that someone had to make a sign and be like, stop putting sprinkles in the toilet. That would be a fun prank to put like chocolate frosting on a toilet with sprinkles. And then someone needs to crump. And it's like, what do they do now? They don't want their ass to just be a fucking juicy donut. I just farted. I heard their ass would be a juicy donut.

This is like meant for bathrooms. Like pull up the seats. Sprinkles are, yeah. Bathroom signs, if they involve any bodily fluids, you fucked up. Bro, your house in Connecticut has one. No, Espo's has one. No, yours has one too. It's written in Spanish. You wouldn't know what it said. I know what it says. Yeah, because it used to be in English and I think it's written on a fucking paper plate.

It's written in Spanish on a paper plate. It says like, "Entonces el numero uno en no flush!" "De las historias en el barrio." Yeah, yeah, yeah. "No cagar con papeles." Oh fuck, that's funny. It was, it was. And it was funny because it was like bubble lettering too. I mean, hey. Yeah. What's more of our parents' generation than writing notes on paper plates? On a paper plate. You know what I'm saying? I do like drawing on those paper plates because they're so ribbed. Okay, okay.

When we were younger, my mom would always leave, like, in the morning, she'd leave a note on a paper plate. Really? Yeah. What would it say? Like, have a good day? Yeah. Have a good day. You know, take the garbage out before you leave for school. Or, you know, like, we're doing this for dinner tonight, or I'll pick you up. Something like that. And...

We noticed like what my sister and I noticed one day that we like used like two paper plates instead of one. And she was very upset about that. Like those are expensive. We were like, you fucking use them as postage. So one night my mom was like exhausted, went to bed. And my sister and I wrote notes on like 50 paper plates from the room all the way down the stairs. She was not happy. No kidding. My mom was generally angry.

In this moment she was very directly angry at us. You probably ran out the back door. Do you, um... I meant like running away from your mom. Oh.

I didn't mean that metaphorically. I don't know what that means. Sprinkles are for cupcakes, not for toilets. I don't think you'd have it. I don't think I'd have it. No. This sucks, though. This is for people who compete on the Food Network and shit, which I love the Food Network. Big Food Network guy. The best channel on live TV. Honestly, yes. Outside of sports, this is the best. Well, those channels include more than sports, though. Then it's better. Yeah. The Food Network is the best channel. Yes, I will agree. How do you feel about the Game Show Network?

Pretty good They're hit or miss They are Because I don't want I want to watch new game shows I don't want to watch The fucking $50,000 pyramid From 1971 Where it was like Yeah Alright what are these Commies doing today You know And it's Yeah Stuff was outdated back then Yeah like the host was like Alright you're a big chested broad Yeah It's like whoa dude Alright come here Give me a kiss Yeah They were doing that They were like kissing their people That dude was kissing all the people Yeah dude it was weird Did I ever tell you That was like the newlywed show no?

Newlyweds. He's kissing the fucking bones. I don't know if it was... No, I don't think it was newlywed. Something like that, though. All right. Ahmed's not having this. You're not having this. I'm not having this. No. Before we move forward with that, though, we do have some more sponsors here. The first one being... Hello, how you doing? SimpliSafe. Okay? SimpliSafe is going to keep your home safe.

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Okay, I love biscuits and gravy. When have you had biscuits and gravy together? I know you've had biscuits. No. I know you've had gravy. Yeah. When have you had like legit like biscuits and gravy? Twice. When, where, how, why, when, why, how, where, when? At diners. Sometimes they have them. Did you have it when we were in Chattanooga? Yeah.

No. I had a hellhole omelette. That's right. Joey ate the hellhole. We opened the fucking menu and it was like... You want the hellhole omelette? I was like, yeah, I do. It was spicy-ish. It was like pickled jalapenos and that's it, right? Yeah, it was just like onions, peppers, jalapenos, and eggs.

And cheese, I think. Yeah. I don't know. There was a woman behind us just waiting to let a racial slur just fucking fire off. Yeah. She had about 18 minutes to live. Yeah. She looked like she was dead yesterday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's besides the point. But yeah, and like different, like, I don't know. I feel like on a trip in like a random diner, I've had biscuits and gravy. It's pretty good.

I don't think I've... It's a great combo. Well, biscuits and gravy, they made me a man. Biscuits and gravy made me who I am. I love a biscuit. That's a fucking WWE reference that no one will get but me and Josh. Yeah, probably. Yeah. This, it sucks because it's just like, why just be a nice... Mind your own biscuits and life will be gravy. And life will be gravy.

Everything's gravy. Everything's gravy. I do like the idea of referring to things as gravy. Maybe I don't hate this one as much as I previously thought. Yeah, I don't know. It's kind of like, because I like biscuits and I love gravy. I do like biscuits. A big, fat, wet biscuit. Dude, gravy? What is gravy? Yeah. It's basically like a reduction of like meat juice.

You don't make, you don't make, well, you don't make anything on Thanksgiving. But like, I use like the turkey neck and like their fucking like little. This thing? Their neck? I don't know what that is. The gobbler? The gobble thing? Yeah. No, I use the neck and like the inner, like the heart and the shit to make gravy. Nice.

But that's all it is. It's just meat juice. Let me ask you a question. Yes. When you have mashed potatoes, right, do you hollow out a little bit of the middle and put the gravy and then close it up? I don't close it, but I definitely hollow out the middle. Really? I'll tell you this. I think that we have been harsh on both KFC and Popeyes as brands. I love Popeyes. I am. And they're fucking biscuits. Both of them.

Really good. God! Dry, though. Dry, but good. But so... Because they're meant to be sucked in... Soaked in... Biscuits. Gravy, you know? Yeah. Oh, my God. I agree with you. Like, I know, like, people get... You know, they talk shit about McDonald's and Burger King and Wendy's and Taco Bell and Subway because it's all poison. And it is. And I don't think it's respectful to Popeyes and or KFC to include those things in that conversation. Pillsbury...

They make a biscuit. I'm talking a fast food chain. You need to make it your own. I don't know why I'm being scolded. I'm just excited. Will Ahmed have this in his house? No. I think he would. Nah, nah, nah. Yeah. The South wouldn't probably even let Ahmed have a home. Okay, I have actually a couple more left. So should I speed through them or how much time we got? No, you're good. You're good. Okay. Another one. This girl runs on cupcakes and Jesus.

How are those connected? This girl runs on cupcakes and Jesus. I'll tell you this. If you have this side of your house, you're probably not doing much running. I eat so much cupcakes. That I pray that I don't die tomorrow. I just pray to God that I can wake up and eat more cupcakes. I don't know. A cupcake, cool. How many cupcakes can you eat? How many that you make it, I run on cupcakes. Come on, that's a lot of cupcakes. Have you ever had a cupcake outside of a birthday? Yeah. What?

Martha's Bakery. Okay, I said when and you just specifically Well, like you just go there randomly. It's like a bakery. I feel like cupcakes only exist on birthdays. I've had under a hundred cupcakes in my life, probably. I'm calling fat bullshit on you. I'm calling garbage bullshit on you. That is bullshit. You've had at least ten a year for your whole life.

10 cupcakes a year? Think about it. Where are you getting that? Birthday parties! I don't eat cupcakes at every birthday party.

I only like a specific kind of cupcake. Red velvet, we get it. I don't like bakery cupcakes. They're too big and too much icing. And your mom makes them for you, and you love when mommy makes red velvet cupcakes for you. I love when my mommy makes cupcakes. It's the best cupcake. So you have at least two a year because of your birthday alone. But sometimes she makes me a cake. Now you have several nieces and nephews. Yeah. I can imagine at those birthdays you've had cupcakes. There was one of them where there was cupcakes, but I didn't like them.

But you ate it to figure out you didn't like it. I had a little bit of it. There you go. I had a little bit of it. What of it? Okay. Before that, you've been to other birthday parties. Okay. So let me rephrase. Under 300. Yes. Correct. I would say you've had at least between 250 and 300 cupcakes in your life.

I don't know. I would say I've had way less. I'm not a cupcake guy. No? Now if you start asking me about slices of Carvel ice cream cake. Oh. With the crunchies. With the crunchers. You know what I had recently? Fudgy the whale. Don't care. Couldn't care less. It was good. Couldn't care. Did I tell you what happened recently? I don't give a fuck. Okay. We wouldn't have this in our house. This girl runs on cupcakes and Jesus. This sucks. Would a med have this in this house?

I don't know that it would say Jesus on it. I don't think it would say that. I've also never seen... This boy runs on baklava and Allah. No, it's... No, it would say this boy runs on zins and coke. Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola. Okay.

We were in where were we where he was just like guys I couldn't I'm giving up coca-cola and we're like, okay good the next meal we had bro You're asking where every city that we've been to on this door every city He says the same thing yo when I get back I'm going to get sushi which he'd that when he does he says I gotta get a massage never happens every city we go to he's gonna get a haircut and shave there Not one doesn't happen

I just can't find them. But yeah, we legitimately scoped one out that he liked in LA and he just didn't do it. Yeah. Okay. All right. Three, four more here. Here we go. This one sucks. Man cave. Cave rules. One, my cave, my rules. Oh my God. Two, no sitting in my chair. Three, keep your hands off the remote. Four, women by invitation only. Five,

*asterisk* bringing food is strongly suggested oh so sexism

So misogyny. Five. Any objections to the rules? Please refer to rule number one, which again says my cave, my rules. Dude, there is no bigger indicator that this guy doesn't wear the pants and is a bastard. Yeah. Literally, his wife is like, you could feel like a fucking part of human society in your basement and that's it, bitch. No girls. No girls. You're a grown man. No girls. More girls. By invitation only. All right.

You could come. Fine. Come on down. This sucks. His wife comes in. Shut up, Stan. The rules. The rules, honey. My friends are here. Come on. My brother-in-law was recently talking about man caves and he called them a he-hole. A he-hole. That's cool. Great one. Great one. If you have... We've already talked. The idea of a man cave is so fucking 2014. Yeah. But if you have a sign...

That explains the man cave rules? That's really bad. That belongs in like a college dorm. That belongs in like a trash can. It does belong in a trash can. It doesn't belong anywhere but a trash can. But like a college dorm or something, and then like you get made fun of and you take it down before the second semester even starts. Yeah. But that's where it belongs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's horrible. Ahmed wouldn't have this in his house. No. If he did, what would the rules be? One, cry. Cry.

Two, I'm here if you need me. It's just like therapy shit. Three, no one is closer than us in this moment. Yeah. I'm going to catch it like that. Strays this episode. He's going to love it. He's going to love it every second of it. Yeah. All right. I know I got to speed through. Shut up. Okay. This last next one. It's a dog one. It's a pet one. Perfect. Every meal you make, every bite you take, I'll be watching you.

Is it the dog's house? Why is this up in your home? Also, just talk about the fact you're just stalking your animal now. Are you an idiot? Are you a fucking idiot? What? That's for like when you're eating food and the dog's watching you like dogs do, you dumbass. I thought it was like people like to watch their dogs eat. What does that say? It says every meal you make. How many dogs have you seen make food for themselves?

It's from the dog's perspective, Frank. My God. That's bad. That's bad. You thought they were just stalking their dog. Yeah, I did. I honestly thought that was for the dog. Which is fair. I tend to stalk my dog. He definitely stalks me. Well, there you go. This is like, first of all, ripping off the fucking... Sting. Every breath you take by the police, which is fully about... Was that the police or sting? The police. Okay. It might be sting. I think it's the police. Fully about...

Sting is in the police, but we don't know if it was a solo. Yeah, the police had sting They were stung but there were stings that happened outside of the police there were big stings that came out of there What else came out of a solo sting? Yeah He had big stings I can't think of one single thing he stung bro. I know I know Roxanne I know that's the police take I know that's what I'm saying. I

Sting solo songs. Don't stand so close to me. Don't stand so close to me. Oh, Fortress Around Your Heart. What the hell is that? It's a famous song, but I can't sing it right now, but it is a famous song. So there you go. What the hell, Sting? Sting, you stung me. Sting got stung. Stumped. I know where he lives. That's a fun fact. We're going to go see him. Go sting him. Sting sting. Go sting stung. Sting sting so I can say I stung sting, and then next time he'll see me, he'll be like, you're the guy that stung sting. I did sting sting. Yeah. This sucks. Yeah.

You are my kind of weird in the Tim Burton font. Literally, someone needs to be hit over the head with a bat for a half an hour. You're my kind of weird. Neither of you are weird. You guys just burp.

After dinner. Whoa, wacky, crazy doodly. You know who would have the sign? Joey, after he made that tweet where he was in fucking Portugal and it was just like, wacky times with my friends is wacky enough, but I love it. Not when I said it all. Being weird and drinking wine with your friends. What was it? It wasn't being weird. What was it, bitch? It was... I don't know what it was. Nice try. It wasn't wacky or weird. I'm not a clown. I'm not Bozo the Clown.

Relax. Alright, I got one more here. This one might be the worst one I've ever seen. Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. That's some kinky shit. Silence is golden. You know what's nicer than shutting the fuck up? Me taping your mouth shut. How do I duct tape your fucking mouth shut? What the hell is this? It's kind of horny to be honest. Honestly, whoever is making these signs for these companies is getting criminally overpaid. Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

It almost feels like a haiku. That's what Jigsaw would have, the little puppet in his fucking dorm room. Yeah, maybe that's like a Halloween decoration. Still stupid. Yeah, I agree. You know? Halloween decorations. I can't wait. Love Halloween. You're going to ball out? No, not really.

Don't want to do anything. Do you get a lot of treats? Treaters? Hell yeah. Really? That's cool. Hell yeah, baby. You know what you should do? Give out. No, you should like sit in a chair and pretend to be a fucking decoration and then scare children. Too much. It's funny. It is. Too much though. Oh, you don't want to sit there? Yeah. Okay. Being there and being still? Can't do that. Yeah, especially you. You'd have to like sing Hamilton. Like, is that decoration singing Hamilton? Yeah.

All right. Well, that's all we have for today, folks. We hope you enjoyed this episode of The Basement Yard. We enjoyed it. We enjoyed it. We had a good time. I had enjoyment. I had enjoyment, too. Where can they find you? FAlvers885 on Twitter, TheFrankAlvers on all other forms of social media. Go check out the Patreon, patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. Make sure you continue to support us. We appreciate it. And if you can't, we completely understand. We still love you for hanging out anyways. And then go check out TheBasementYard on all forms of social media.

And go follow me at Joe Santagato on social media. Go follow the show at The Basement Yard. And, yeah, if you're coming to the shows, the last five shows, go to TheBasementYard.com slash submit and fill out those forms, and we will see you out there, folks. See you guys next time. Hey, you're my kind of weird. I didn't like that.