Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
- Welcome back to the base- Welcome back to the basement yard, Frank. We're matching. We- You know what? We're not matching. You're wearing a really cool pair of shorts. - Thank you. - Can you stand up real quick? - Don't do this. - No, no, no. I'm not making fun of you. - You're no, he's trying to fuck with me now. - I'm legit not making fun of you. - This is Joey's- - I like the shorts. No, it's really cool. Stand up. Just show your shorts. I'm not going to say anything about the shorts. They're cool shorts. What I will say about the shorts though.
This man shoved his arm up to his elbow into his shorts right now. Adjusting what? Hold on, dude. First of all, don't adjust what as if I don't got balls. Of course you got balls. And mine work, bitch. What do yours do? Your balls don't work. Well, they work in the sense that they have previously worked. They're retired now. I have retired nuts, and they've earned their keep.
But I want to know why you were up to your elbow. First of all, elbow is a stretch. I would say mid forearm at best. I mean, round up your elbow. It was one of those situations where these are short shorts. They're tight. And it was like one of those situations. And sticking. Yes. It was like where like your dick and balls become a division sign. They do. They do.
Me too. It like stuck to the top of my balls. And like you can't like, you know when you like, you do like the, like you like extend your leg really far to like get it to kind of peel apart. Yes. Didn't work because of my balls. Right. Or I guess moisture. Legs and stickiness. I guess I have a sticky dick. You have a sticky bunch. I have a sticky, well no, the bunch was fine. You have a swampy cock. No. Swampy. Swamps aren't sticky. They're just mucky.
That's what I'm thinking. My dick and balls are not swampy. They're... Up for debate. I will break the debate. I know my shit. Okay? They're just... They're sticky.
You know, and I showered. So it's not like it's sticky because of anything else other than just skin. Right. And I had to, it was a situation where like the legs didn't work. Yeah. The shimmy didn't work. So I had to peel it, peel it like a banana. You had to bring him back up. I had to bring it back to the bottom of the map. Right. And, uh,
Sorry. If I can't fucking adjust my shit in front of my boy, who the hell can I do it in front of? I just felt like the adjustment required less of your arm. It felt like you were digging into your... It looked like you were shoving your genitals into your asshole. No. Or attempting to. No, no, no, no, no. I was not. Could you imagine? But it is a nice pair of shorts. I do like them a lot. Thank you so much. I believe they're either...
Polo? Or just you don't care. We're entering the I don't care zone. You're entering the... You're right. Hold on, hold on. Really quick before... So we can get the... Oh, yeah. Get it out of the way. Make dad happy. Tickets still available for Frank's page.
Greg wrote this in all caps. We know that we're in trouble when Greg, we show up. When we show up and there's a fucking blank. We have homework. Yeah. This is basically daddy gave us homework. Yeah. And it says that tickets are still available for Frank's B-Day show, the late night show. When?
colon July 27th. He didn't include the year so he fucked up. Right. It could be 2030. We don't know. It could be 2040. Yeah, honestly. July 27th. What time, Frank? 10:30 PM. Where is this show? Colon Tropicana. You don't have to say it. Space dash space Atlantic City. He fucked up. It's Atlantic City, New Jersey. Oh, oh. Bless you. Thank you. Jesus.
Yeah, it's at the Tropicana in Atlantic City, New Jersey. You can get tickets at thebasemeyore.com or Ticketmaster right now. There's still some tickets available for that late night show, so definitely go get them. And notes, there are a handful left. Yeah, what is this? So if you want to join us for the late show birthday bash, get tickets ASAP. ASAP. Night full of surprises. Late show going to be a good one. Yeah. I don't think we're supposed to read this like this.
These are notes for us. These are notes for us. Got it. One night only. This show will be different than all the other basement yard experiments. Which, guess what? They're all different from each other. So that's redundant, bitch. Facts. That's big fucking, you know, he touts himself as big business Greg. Can I say something too? No. Blue ink here? Why not black ink? I think something's wrong with his printer that it'll only print in blue. Yeah. Otherwise, it feels a little raced.
Well, he does often tell me that he avoids dark ink. His words, not mine. But yeah. No, seriously, folks. Go to TheBasementYard.com. Click on the Come See Us Live thing. 10.30 p.m. Tropicana, Atlantic City, New Jersey, July 27th. 10.30 p.m. Birthday bash for me. I...
Don't know what's gonna happen. I'm a little afraid because we're gonna figure it out I mean, I don't know what's gonna happen Joey but like Joey and Greg before it was brought up and they got very giddy and then didn't say what was gonna happen Are you building a paper airplane if that flies if that if that flies I'll be really really proud not hard not hard No, I don't know how to make a paper airplane. Oh
Well, I guess I'm going to try one better than yours now just to prove a point. Oh, wow. Cool. I saw Tommy.
Yo, by the way, origami, very cool. Dude, very cool skill. Not a real... It's like people will sit there and they'll be like, here, I'm going to make a fucking whole monkey out of paper. And it's like, that's not real, brother. No, it's cool. It is cool. Or like the flamingo that moves. You move its mouth and shit or something. Move its mouth? What kind of origami have you seen? I don't know. But I can tell you that this is not looking great here. It just looks like a fucking... That sucks. Yeah. Yeah, throw it. Throw it.
What do you do if it fucking goes far? Well, I know aerodynamics, so... Oh, I don't know that. I don't know why I said that. Do you? And straight down. Good. Okay, good. Yeah, good. Perfect. All right, what if I make a quick adjustment? Frankie, we've spent too much time. It's not plate time.
And backwards. It won't refuse to leave. Technically a boomerang? We don't know. I made a paper boomerang. A poomerang. Okay. So I do have a question for you. Yeah. Because you did text me over the weekend, and out of nowhere, you were just like, I just got into a fight with a DoorDash driver. Oh. And I said, what? First of all, we had a couple people over for my wife's birthday. I had a couple drinks. So what? What?
Sumi. Big sumi. Big sumi. I had a couple drinks, including margaritas. I love the S at the end of that. Margaritas, baby. There was a couple. Were they flavored or was it all classical? Just regular, but we did have... I was made a white wine margarita. Never had that before. What is that? You just add a little bit of white wine on top of a margarita. Ooh, a little floater? A little baby. And it was very good. Nice. But...
Yeah, I forgot. I forgot. I got into not a physical altercation with a Turkish DoorDash driver. How did you know he was Turkish? Well... Racism. No, no, no.
He racist. No, I did not racist. How did you know he was Turkish? I didn't racist. I would never know who was Turkish. It said in the messages that I was, you know, we were going back and forth. Oh, translating to Turkish. It said translating from Turkish. Got it, got it, got it. So we had stayed up a little late. We had a lot of drinks. Late night Turkish fight. You know what I had for the first time in my life? A Turkish fight? Well, yes, also. Yeah. What's that for?
Yeah. That's interesting because you're writing in English and he's reading a Turkish argument. Yeah. So I think, I think that's the thing is like, he was like getting like, it was probably coming on. Something tells me I don't speak. I don't know what the language of Turkey is. If it's just Turkish. Okay. I believe it is. I don't know. So I don't want to offend anyone. Yeah. Except this one man, apparently. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if he was getting it in like an aggressive manner, but also I was kind of writing it a little aggressive. What happened? All right.
So you have to understand something. First of all, did you see the videos of like... We haven't started yet. Tangent. Before we start... I'm a great storyteller. Did you see the videos of like the Jersey Shore on Memorial Day weekend? No. Like they had to close down some of the boardwalks and declare states of emergency for townships because they were just like insane. It was a lot of people. A lot of people. And apparently it was like all unruly teenagers. Yeah.
Cool. Which, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say something. I'm more afraid of teenagers than I am any other age. Uh, no, I'm more afraid of like 23 or 22 year olds. No, because teenagers, 23, you can reason with a 23 year old or a 22 year old. No, you can't. You should be like, bro, would fucking Vinny Chase do this? And then they'd say, all right, all right.
Teenagers, what am I going to say to them? Yeah, I guess. You know, like, dude, skibbity toilet riz sigma. You don't know what you're saying, so you can't reason with them. Exactly. But craziness down to shore. So 1230, what I had for the first time, I'd never had them before. Wait, 1230 at night? Yeah. You door dashed at 1 a.m.? Well, listen, I door dashed at 1130, but my food wasn't picked up, and it was 1230. What did you order?
Well, can we is it the bell did you get some of the Bell Taco Bell was was it actually? 12:30 who the hell is ordering anything other than Taco Bell? Yeah at 11:30 12:00, but I had a Surfside for the first time free plug I guess pretty good. I had a tequila soda a nooner a high noon nice I was pretty good. I also had a lot of beer and
And a lot of other stuff. Margaritas. Wine, margaritas, shots. So you were just checking off as much alcohol as you could. I don't often get to drink. So when I do, I go for it. You know what I'm saying? Sent it to space. Yeah. So I ordered an abundance of Taco Bell. Now, let me set the mood here. Have you ever ordered for people? Like be like, you know what? What do you want? I'll get it.
For four people, you mean? For several people, I should say. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. There's a bit of a pressure. Now it's on you. If anything's wrong with the order, it's your fault. Not the people that prepared it. You got an over-order. So I'm just like, all right, just tell me. And I'm like, I got it. It was an expensive Taco Bell order. Sure. It's 12 o'clock. Order's still not even picked up.
Someone cancels on me. Bitch. Yeah. And then I get the new driver and I message him like, what's going on? Oh, so you came at this Turkish man. I came at is a bit of a stretch. What's going on is I, I messaged him like, what's going on with the order? And he messages back. Granted it's, it's in broken English, but I'm paraphrasing here. Like, oh, there's a line at Taco Bell down the road. And I'm like, hell, what, what you would,
So I guess this is all the unruly teenagers. All of me and all the unruly teens. You guys are all trying to eat the same thing. So I'm like, park your car, get out and go get my order in the store. All right, I'm on the Turkish guy's side. But hold on. I didn't say it like that. I said it like, oh, why don't you just try going in the store? But I was also drunk, so I lost the text conversation, so I might have said it in an aggressive way. Right, yeah. Did you throw a fucking in there? I didn't. No fuckings.
And he's just like, they closed the store. You have to go through drive-thru to pick up the order. So at this point, I'm fucking, I got people relying on me here. They're hungry. I'm hungry. They're not drunk. I am. Yeah. And I'm like. So time is moving clearly slower for you. Time is of the essence, babe. Yeah. So I'm just like, listen, man, can you skip the line or something? You said that?
I'm priority here. You're trying to think. Do you know who I am? Right, yeah. I'm the unverified on all forms of social media co-host of the Basement Yard. Right, so you want your top of the list. That has been denied verification several times. Right. Just want to point that out there, Meta. I know you're watching. Zuck. He's your boy still, right? Never met him. So I'm like, and he's like, I will not do that. Fire. So I respond. There's a Turkish moral code. So I respond.
If I don't get my food soon, I'm definitely on his side. You said this? I said, if I don't get my food soon, I'm going to pass out. I didn't say like, I'm going to fucking, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not one of those people that's like rude to like people, you know, like a customer service people. I don't like that. But I just said, I set the scene. If I don't get my food soon, I'm going to pass out. A few minutes go by. It's 1230 at this point in time. An hour since I placed the order. Taco Bell.
Memorial Day weekend. I guess they got a bit of a pass. He responds back, I don't give. And then cancels my order. Fucking crazy. I, Little Tucker, still like you. Damn. This guy just fucking, he ruined my night.
Oh, so you never got it? Never got the food. Fire. Never. A fucking. That'll show you. It was a couple bucks of Taco Bell that then they were like searching for a new driver. Do you fund? Do you get funded? I got refunded. Okay. I got refunded. But what the fuck, dude? Yeah. So there's $200 worth of Taco Bell just sitting in Taco Bell. Basically. Because it said the order was already prepared. Right. And it was just waiting for pickup. Okay.
So then he canceled, and then the new ETA was well into 1 a.m. I don't give. I don't give. Bang. He hit the fucking block on me. Dude, imagine he showed up after that. Well, that's the thing. I told Becca the next morning. She's like, he has our address. I was like, I'm sure it doesn't work like that. Oh, I'm sure it works like that. Well, like after he can't see my address after he cancels the order.
Oh, maybe he screenshot it. Don't sleep. Damn, boy, I didn't even think about that. First of all, it's fine. Yeah, what the hell? He don't give, bro. If he gave, he would have came. If he gave, he would have came. Yeah. You know, but... And also, you know, he doesn't give... If he did give, he would have been there that night. I got sunned by a fucking Turkish DoorDash driver. Yeah. On my Taco Bell. Well, crushed you. And I still didn't get it, and I'm still craving it. There's a lesson baked into this story, folks. There isn't one. There isn't a lesson. Don't be rude.
That's the... You know what? Don't be hammered at midnight and impatient, I think is the actual one. Don't be hungry. What's even funnier is we had a ton of food in the house.
But you were like, I need that gordita. I committed to a cheesy gordita crunch. No baja sauce, double meat. What does gordita mean? Isn't gordo big and ita like small? Cheesy gordita crunch. That means a cheesy fat fucking crunch. But isn't gordo like gordo? Isn't that like big? I mean, it's fat, brother. Yeah, and then ita, isn't that small? It's like my little fat girl. That's what it means. Gordita.
That's what it is. My little fat girl. Like, I remember when Maeve was born, she was like a round, plump little baby. You called her gordita? Not me. My dad would be like, ay, amor, gordita. Okay, your dad doesn't sound like that. That's what his baby talk sounds like. Really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't even think that your dad would have one of those voices. Dude, my dad's baby talk voice is like, where did this come from? Yeah. And he does this.
I think my dad does a lot of tongue, too. Why do dads bite their own tongues, dude? You remember my dad's tongue? It just looks like someone took a knife to it. It looked like someone went over with a fucking lawnmower. Yeah. On your dad. My dad's tongue, like the slit down the middle, is deep. It was the fucking...
Parted Red Sea. It legitimately might be a full half inch of depth in his tongue. It's insane. Yeah. You could hide a whole piece of chicken in it. Yeah, yeah. And he probably did. That's why he had to brush so aggressively because getting in that tongue was probably crazy. Do you have a tongue scraper? I do have a tongue scraper. I don't have one. I want one.
CBS very easy very very easy. No one's asking. I find where do I I said I want one make it happen you fucking you know big guy whatever I'm on the Turkish guy side here fuck you Turkish guys
No, I said something about, I wasn't, you know, if I could speak to this man of Turkey one more time, I would apologize. This man of Turkey, just let him know. I felt bad. You know, I was just very hungry, hunger and drunk, drunker, drunker, drunker is an insane, like mixture of things to be experiencing or a hunk. Oh, okay.
Yeah, I'd fuck with that. Hunk. What a stupid word. Speaking of hunk. That's a weird way. That's so weird. I wanted to tell you this story. We went away a couple days ago for like two nights. Tell me there's a hunk involved in this. Well, me. No. But on the way back, you know when like fucking like cars are really dirty or like trucks are really dirty and someone will in the dirt, right? Wash me. Oh, yeah. I mean, I just, everyone just draws cocks.
You've drawn on a dirty car before? A dick? Yeah. Probably exclusively. You've exclusively drawn on dirty cars, just dicks? Yeah. Like when I... I haven't done that in years, but when I was younger and it was like, oh, there's like pollen on this car. Dick. Full dick. Of course. I have a serious question. Yes? How are you drawing your dicks? Are you now... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you going... Ball cock? Are you going...
Like a Mickey Mouse and then cock or you're going circle circle wiener. There's several ways to draw a dick. I do W ball and then penis out. So you go out. You go penis out. I do side profile penis. You go side profile cock. Do you do Mickey Mouse? Who does Mickey Mouse? I don't do Mickey Mouse, but I do. It's like ball, dick, ball. I do mostly circles. Like in a Disney channel. That's a stupid way to draw a penis. Hey, you're watching the basement yard. Yeah.
Do you draw circumcised penises? I do draw... Who draws uncircumcised dicks? Well, I think it's just you just don't do the line. You just make it like a fucking like... And you make it peeing or cumming or whatever? Oh, you do every now and then you do a little drip. A little pee-pee. A little pee-pee. You don't know if it's pee-pee or cum-cum. Do you do hair on the balls?
It depends how flashy I'm feeling. Yeah. And it depends on the time. Oh, veins? Oh, a vein is a must. I don't really do veins. You're not drawing a dick... If you draw a dick with time, you can do all the luxuries. I don't really draw veins. Most dicks that you're drawing are drawn under duress. I would say most of the... Under duress. I would say most of the time I'm drawing balls, dick out, and then I put a little bit of piss. I tr...
I try to throw in a dick head. Do you do the same dick as me? No, honestly, I think I go ball, ball, up. Oh, you go like this. Yes, binocular cock. Bacocular. Bacocular. And then you do cross, and then you put a pee hole, obviously. I don't do a cross. I try, again, it depends. If I have the luxury of taking my time drawing this dick, I'm going to make it look like a penis head, you know? Like a spade. I always put a pee hole, obviously.
Well, yeah, P-hole's a must. Where do you put it? Do you put it right in the middle or do you put it like an artist, like at the bottom a little bit? No, no, no. I put it at the top. I just put it like in the top. The top? Like the middle of the, you know, I'm not getting it like a... You curve it or you just do straight line? No, straight line. Straight line P-hole. You gotta get better with your dicks, brother. I mean, this is what I've just been doing. Did we, in high school, we had like a cereal dick drawer. It's funny because like they made that show, American Vandal. About it, yeah. It's so funny. Go watch it, but like...
God, I hate that. I got bad allergies, dude. Yeah. We had a serial dick drawer in high school that like, it was like a thing that like the teachers would talk with every class about drawing cocks on stuff and like no one ever figured out who it was. Like it'd be on the board when you got in. It would like, it'd be on boards. It'd be on like tests.
They would like break into teachers rooms where they'd like break into like draw dicks. Well, cause it was an old public school. So it was like, remember those like old, like fucking copper door handles that were shaped like eggs. Yeah. You know, it was those and they'd break in, take the tests from their desk and just draw dicks on every single one. There's something I want to say about those doors, but I'm going to do some ads first. The first one being hello, Fitbox.
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Very good. Okay. The only problem that you're going to have is that you're going to want to drink it around the clock. And I mean, I don't know the science behind that. I imagine you're not supposed to do that, but they are great. Definitely worth the money. And definitely I would suggest it suggest anybody getting them. Turn your ordinary water into extraordinary hydration with liquid IV. You get 20% off of your first order at liquidiv.com and use the code basement at checkout. That is 20% off.
Your first order when you shop better hydration today using the promo code basement at liquidiv.com. And although liquid IV is going to get you hydrated, you know what's going to keep you thirsty? Oh, wait. No, that doesn't work. Patreon.com slash basement yard. If you're thirsty for more basement yard, that's what I'm talking about. That's where you can get more of us and you can get more of us quicker. Who doesn't want Joe to come sooner? Go to patreon.com slash basement yard. Okay. All right. All right.
Go to patreon.com/thebasementyard and you can sign up for that first year and you get these weekly episodes seven whole days prior before anybody else does. Maybe the prior and before is a little redundant, but I don't care because guess what? My brain works here and I'm gonna cut, try to put it. So then go to that second tier.
Go to that second tier and you get exclusive episodes every single Friday. So you can, in theory, start and end your week with the Basement Boys. And honestly, if you're traveling this summer, if you're going down to the shore, if you're going over to the lake, if you're going to be doing whatever you're doing, why not have us try...
Hang out with you guys in the drive. All of the episodes, if you're a first-time patron or you're just coming back after a brief hiatus, all those episodes, previous episodes are uploaded for you. So go check it out, patreon.com slash thebasemanyard. And if for some reason the P button on your keyboard ain't working, well, boy, can I help you out? Yeah. Go to thebasemanyard.com. This kid. Yeah. Go to thebasemanyard.com and you can find info on our live shows, like as we said earlier.
July 27th, Atlantic City, Tropicana in New Jersey, 10.30 p.m. There's still tickets available for my birthday bash. Don't know what it's going to be. Going to be crazy, but you can find that and more information along with upcoming shows, along with merch. The Patreon is linked there, so go check it out at TheBasementYard.com. And listen, pulling close. Closer, closer. It's not pulled in at all because Josh hates me.
Go to TheBasementYard.com slash submit if you're coming to any of those shows. And submit your questionnaire. Let us know what show you're coming to. Submit the questionnaire. And answer the questions. Tell some stories. Be crazy. Be kooky. Be fun. Because we like our shows to be interactive. So maybe we'll talk to you, talk about you, talk with you. You never know. So go check it out. TheBasementYard.com slash submit if you're coming to any of the Basement Yard Live Experience shows. And we're excited to get back after it. Back to...
What were we talking about? The doors. Oh, yeah. What about those doors? So the only thing I wanted to talk about, because you were mentioning how in an old high school like that, the doors were like...
The handles were like egg-shaped. Yeah, and they were like copper. What I want to talk about is keyholes. I love keyholes for some reason. I love keyholes. I like that you can look through it. I like that you can look at one and you can see someone looking through it too. I got to say, modern keyholes? Whack. Don't.
Don't hit the way that classic keyholes did. Like the keyhole that looks like this. Yes. Not this like squiggly line. The squiggly line that you can't look into. I want to look. I want to peer into a keyhole and be like, I'm looking at something going on inside. And also big keys. Give me those keys. I miss big keys. I think that they had to do away with those because there's only so much that they could do and they're easily hackable. But. But cooler. I think I agree. Like a big key. Like, bro. Big keys. Big keys.
It's just the title of the movie, Indian in the Cupboard. What a movie. Do you remember the VHS, the clamshell? It wasn't in Indian, though. Okay. But it's the title of the movie. The clamshell VHS thing that came in, it had one of those keyholes that you could unlock. I like that. Oh, dude. I like when I find kids' toys that have the keys like that and you can unlock shit. I just do that all the time.
We need to just start making keys cool again because keys have kind of gone backward. And now we're getting into like electronic keys where they're just flat. Yeah, what the fuck? Like key fobs? No. Bro, also we're getting rid of door handles apparently. I walked up to an Uber the other day and it was a button to open the door. I'm like, what?
No, no, no, no. We are taking all of the joy out of just slamming things. Clicking. I like clicking. Clicking, clanking, slamming. Yeah, not button pressing. I don't want that. I want to aggressively slam a car door. Bro. Bro. Do you ever fucking go to someone's house and they have an automatic trash can?
I know what you're talking about. It's like you go like this and it opens up. I'm like, what is this? I need a step. I need a step on it. I need a step too. I need a step too. At least like what you have here, like a button so it fucking flops open.
No, that's a step. Is it a step? Yeah. There are other ones I've seen that are just like you push down a button and it fucking pink. Oh, I've seen that too. I'm cool with that. But like, we're making everything automatic and we're losing the soul that this stuff has. I like to do things. I want to do things too. I want to like click. Bro, you know how angry I get when I get into like a vehicle of any sort and they're like, to close the door, press a button. I want to fucking like...
Yeah, or like getting out of a Tesla. It's a button. I'm like, what am I doing? I don't like buttons. I like using my whole arm. And I will say this, and you might think I'm crazy for here. We need to bring back rolling down the windows. I like that too. We need to bring that back because when you're committing to rolling down or up a window, it's an action. Yeah. You know, like not like just like a, I want to fucking whack. Why I want the option to.
I would like the option at least give me the option. Well, there are, I follow this account because they're really nice and I'm sure you've seen them, but it's like vintage, but modernized like Ford Broncos. I love that shit. And they have the window crank, but it's a button.
Don't do that. Explain that. It's a window crank. Oh, it looks like it. And you just press it down and it opens and closes. Wax sauce. If there is not, like, I need to have crankage. I want to crank. I want to crank it. Yeah. And also, bring back flip phones. Slap it, I'm shut. Fuck you. Bang. Yeah. Or just like, yes. Just like, just house phones too. Wired house phones. Fuck. What?
BAM! When was the last time you fucking slammed a phone like you hung up? 2003. I mean, I have a rotary phone on my wall. Well, we've jokingly done one, yeah. Slammed it. Yeah? Yeah.
It's just fun. But hook it up. I know. Hook it up and call. Was it you who walked into my apartment and was like, does this work? Probably. Because I was like, dumbass. Anytime I go to Joey's place, I touch as much stuff as I can. Yo, and honestly, I know that you do it now as a joke, but that first time, I was like, Frank, stop moving. He's like, what is this? I'm like, sit down.
I'm like a kid in a candy shop. It's a new place and I have to explore with all of my senses, including the tactile. Hopefully not a kid like me because when I went to the candy shop when I was younger... Yeah, you got sticky fingers. That's the fingers that need you. Robbing the place blind. The story I was telling earlier is trucks, dirt. Yes. We're driving home from our mini vacation and there's a truck and it's like...
And it has something written on it. And it's clearly, it's a smiley face. And it says, Daddy, you're so strong. And I'm thinking like, it's like a mom and pop shop truck. What does that mean? Oh, it's like Johnny's Pizza. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like it's like, oh, the local Tony's Produce or something like that. Yeah, it's like a back window that you're looking at. Well, it's the thing that goes up and down on the truck.
Like the back part of the truck. Oh, oh. You know what I'm talking about. Yes, yes, yes. What they held on to in Toy Story. Right. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Slank! And it says, Daddy, you're so strong. So I'm thinking like, oh, that's just like the kids wrote something for their dad on the truck. That's sweet. I go, oh, Miles, look. And we're driving. And he's like, what's that other one say? Oh, it says, Daddy, you don't want to suck or something? Next to it, it says, fuck me, Daddy. Fuck me.
I'm like, you read it out loud? No. And I'm looking at it. I'm like, oh, I just ignored it and sped past it. You read it wrong or it said, I couldn't see what it said at first because I cite Frank. Right. You know, but it said, you know, closer to me, it said, daddy, you're so strong. I'm thinking like, oh, all right. Next to it. I'm like, what? Sorry.
I thought it was like I love you daddy Or like you know You're my hero daddy It was fuck me daddy Fuck me daddy Right yeah So then it put more Emphasis on the Previous message He's so strong Daddy's so strong Pick me up and fuck me daddy Well Yeah
Pick me up. Well, if you're strong. I could be just a, you have strong hips, strong thrust. Or a strong, you know, emotionally strong. I feel safe with you, with my secrets with you. I like that one. I like that one a lot. You know, for us men that are not as physically fit. Right. Physically fit. Physically fit. Physically, physically, physically fit. Is that the lyrics? I think. No. No, it's not? Are you sure? There's no.
Look it up. What song is that? I like to move it, move it. I think it is physically fit. Hold on. I think I like to move it, move it. Lyrics. Lyrics. I like to move it, move it. If it's, if it is physically fit, there's no lyrics. Uh oh. Get it five apart in the song. I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. This is fucking Will.i.am. I like to move it, move it. We like to move it. I like to move it, move it. What is it?
This is not the right song. Come on. What is that song's name? I like to move it. That's what I would Google. That's what I did. Is it not? I swear I thought that- It might be, it might be. It is it! Yes! Oh, wow. So you're the idiot, you dumb bastard. I just, I thought that it was like, you know, what, what, no, no, no. What did you think it was? Like whenever Sean Paul says something, I'm like, I don't know. I'm just saying something that sounds like-
Yeah, like a comic-con situation. Yeah, right. A physicale fit, you know? Physicale fit, physicale fit. So what you're saying is if it's not in English, you don't know? Oh, it's so nice, sweet, fantastic. Nope, that's not it. No? Big ship on the ocean like a big Titanic. Hey, man, just read it in English. You don't need to do the accent. It says that. Woman, you nice, sweet, energetic, big ship on the ocean like a big Titanic. That means her butt is big and massive like a ship that sunk.
And killed many. And killed many. You saw that there's like some billionaire came out and he was just like, I'm going back. Yeah. Everyone's just like, here you go. Let us know. I don't know how you, you like see that happen to someone and go, I'm going to give it a go. It's, he's a billionaire. It's all ego. Bored? All ego. That's all he cares about. Um,
But... Physicality. Moving on. Bro, the segues are out of control. Why? I like to move it, move it, Madagascar. Let's hop over elsewhere. Did you see their performance that Northwest gave? Yeah, people are flipping out about that. What is the deal? She's like... She's clearly not Simba material. We know that. She's a child, though. She's a child and I'm being harsh. Everyone needs to chill the fuck out because people are just like...
Here are more people that were qualified. And it's like, do you not know? It's a school play. Who cares? Wait, what? It was a school play. No, it's not. It was not a school play. What do you mean? Are you serious? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. Time, time, time, time, time. Big T. Yeah. Big, little T. Big T's tuberculosis. What? Little T. Yeah. You thought it was a, you think that's a school play? The Lion King, I figured, what? It's not? What was it? Brother. What? What?
That was the 30th anniversary performance of The Lion King. What? Wait, I don't even know what you mean. Disney. Walt Disney. That was a Disney production? Yes. I don't know what you're talking about. It was like some rich school in Calabasas did a school play. No, they had Timon and Pumbaa. Timon and Pumbaa were there. Two Timons. Who's Timon and Pumbaa?
They had Nathan Lane and Billy Eichner. Two Timons. That's four. Two Timons. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Be serious. Kim Kardashian's daughter. Right? Right. She played Simba next to Nathan Lane at a Disney production. And Jeremy Irons going and- Where was this? So Disney's new thing is they do like live, they'll invite the cast from the movies. They did it with Encanto. Wait, what?
I'm literally seeing videos of people. He's like, oh, it's a school play. Bro, I'm literally seeing videos of people being like, there are so many children that are so much more qualified to be in this position and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, who fucking cares? Like, clearly it's nepotism that she's. Duh, duh, duh, duh. Whatever.
I thought it was like a school play, like a big whoop. You're not fucking simple in a school play where you're not going to be in the Michael Bay video. They brought the singing cast from the 1994 animated The Lion King. That is fucking hilarious. And she did. Now I get the outrage. I just can't wait to be king. No, I don't get the outrage. Why is, here's the thing. Why the fuck is she there?
Because someone asked and guess what Joey everyone's saying like oh the first of all this woman Kim Kardashian people are forgetting also Kanye West's daughter No one's talking about him anymore. Joey does all the time often and in very good high esteem But like Disney were the one whoever set this up through Disney were the one that probably asked her and like Why would they ask her?
They asked Kim what? To have her daughter in here? Do you want your daughter? I imagine. No way. I assume. Well, you think Kim went in and she was like, hey, um. Frank. Mr. and Mrs. Disney. But like why? Mr. Iger. 100%, I think that happened. Why would they ask Kim about her daughter? Because what the fuck is her daughter? Her daughter's not in plays. The kid probably loves fucking singing and dancing to the Lion King. But it's an official thing. Here's the thing. Get a trained teacher.
You think you think you do you you think is this something they do usually though like they've done the show before and they just put Like a kid there have fun. I the only one that I've seen previous I was in it I was in a Disney show once when I went to Disney World they put me in the law. That's right. You were drunk. Yeah, I was the elephant Definitely ain't the elephant Joey. I'll tell you that You're fucking watch your tone you're at best a baboon
Those are sick. I love that. Okay. All right. Uh, but yeah, it was the elephant in the show. It was, they did it with him. They had most of the cast there, except for, I think the only one that wasn't there was like John Lee Guzamo doing, you know, the part of Bruno. Yeah. Bruno. Why are you looking at me like that? You're doing an accent. I'm not, I'm doing, I'm speaking how the movie is spoken. Um,
But I didn't know that it was like that. Here's my, I'm going to be on my own. They didn't select a random daughter. Exactly. Disney were just like, yo, this would be a great way to get publicity on like more. I mean, it's Disney. It's the biggest fucking show ever. It's Disney. Nathan Lane's there. Nathan Lane was there and he killed it. Jeremy Irons. Who's Jeremy Irons again? Scar. Scar.
The actual one? I know that you're far over ten. Who's Nathan Lane? Timon. Timon. Pumbaa is some old bastard. He's like... Wait, it's the legit original cast? Yes. I mean, why couldn't they get the original Simba? Because he's fucking 35 now, Joey. Oh, because he doesn't sound like a child. Because he doesn't sound like a child anymore. Because he'd be like... I don't know. He might be. Yeah. But...
I just, I can't stand that. It's kind of insane they put her in there. It is. Granted, it is. And like, clearly they knew that like, oh, she's not great, but she's a child. Yeah. She was having the time of her life. Bro, I get it. But I fucking enjoy it. And also, sorry, soapbox. One minute. Do you mind? I was going to say make her a tree though. It's Simba, my guy. Also, like you could make her be like the speaking role of like Zazu or something. Well, Zazu was a British man.
I don't think Rowan Atkinson was there. Well, whatever. Be Nala then. But like, people are saying like, okay, how dare them. Nepotism. Bro, this is the most real shit that Kim Kardashian has done, in my opinion. What do you mean? Bro, if someone came to you, if fucking Bob Iger came to you. But that's not what happened.
For the sake of the argument if Bob Iger came all right all right if fucking I'll put it in terms I'll put it in terms that you'll understand big beefcake if fucking John if John Rolex came to you Lewis Hamilton, whatever you fucking jock. I'll take it and he was just like listen up. Oh, yeah, I won't
Your kid to be my crewmate. Yeah, of course. Exactly. Yes, but... Your kid has no skill whatsoever. Frank, that's not the issue. They're not asking for her. There's no reason to ask for that girl. How do you know? How do you know?
No, no, no. Because it doesn't make sense. Why not? Doesn't it make much more sense for Kim Kardashian to be like, it would be nice because I know they're casting children for this role if you could put my kid in there. Yes. And I'm sure they were just like, there was probably some of this. I'm sure there's some of that. I'm sure there's a little bit of that. Yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of that. A lot of bit of it.
I'm sure... Like, they had to say yes. I know. So, who's to blame here? Disney. The mother who's trying to make an experience for her child that is memorable? I agree. It's not Kim Kardashian's fault. Get the fuck out of here. It's not Kim's fault. Bro, if fucking Kevin Feige comes to me tomorrow and my untrained children that have no acting experience, he goes, we want them to be the next Spider-Man. I'll say yes. Yes. I mean, maybe that's a little different because Hollywood is a monster. But...
You get what I'm saying. Yes, I do. So like, chill. It's not Kim's fault because any parent would be like, yes, of course, I want my kid to be at the front of the line. But like, Disney is kind of crazy being like, yeah. And all these fucking...
keyboard warriors that sit there and spout how toxic social media is and then this fucking child gets this opportunity and then goes on stage has the time of her life and now you're like This is not you're not qualified. My kids should be there. Yeah, you're the fucking problem Well, I think that Disney put like who's gonna attack me here. What I love the Swifties. I love Beyonce. I
This is neutral ground. I'm attacking incels, Joey. What are you talking about? Stick up for them. Go ahead. Like you always do. For who? The incels. Where did they come from? You tell me. Where are they hiding? No, you idiot. I think that people are upset with the fact that Disney was like, yeah, we're going to obviously...
Kim is, you can't blame a parent for being like, I want my kid to be the star of the show. Every parent is going to do that. All the dance moms, all the whatever, they're going to do that. Disney being like, yeah, sure, she's not the best, but we're going to put her out there. That's on them. It's not Kim's fault. Yeah, 100%. And that's why all these people, bro, this woman. Unless there's a blackmail situation going on. Oh, you think she has something on like the cast of Aladdin? Listen, all the PDD stuff that comes out, I don't know who's got blackmail on what.
You never know. Oh, man. You know, I was just about to be really excited for like if they do more like live renditions. But you're not going to do it yet. You're not going to get excited yet because we do have more ads. Yeah. And that is where. Oh, read the ads. It's ad break. I hope someone cuts to that. It's ad break. I need a fix. Yeah, he's got. Come on. It's an ad break. Maybe you have crabs. Yeah, I don't know. No, I know. I don't. This show. Okay. Yeah.
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Enjoy that. All right. I was going to say something and it's gone. I don't remember it. Yeah, I know. What was it? What was I? We were talking about Simba. We were going crazy with that. Oh, I was saying, I was like, you know, I was getting, after I saw they did Encanto and they did Lion King, I was like, oh, it's going to be so good. Because my favorite Disney animated movie of the time is Aladdin. I was like, oh, it's going to be so good when they do Aladdin. They ain't doing Aladdin, dude. Why not?
Because it is all white people singing, pretending to be people of Middle Eastern descent. Yeah. Except for Robin Williams, who is not here. Super dead. Super gone. So, and they're also not going to do like Mulan. When you look back, you look back. Nope. Why not? Because all of the male singing in Mulan was done by Donny Osmond.
He did multiple? He did the song of like, I'll make a man out of you. You want to hear something crazy? What a fire song, by the way. I've never seen Mulan. That seems racially charged. It's not. Don't.
I haven't seen it. That seems kind of racist. No. Why not? I don't know. I just never, I just, I don't know. You never cared. Maybe I did see it, but I don't remember it. Honestly, you probably have seen it and you don't remember it. And it's crazy because I feel like I would be super into that because I was definitely into swords back then. You were? Yeah.
Like I loved swords when I was younger. You do like swords. He did like swords often. What's cooler than swords? Like, you know what's weird? Fencing? Whack. So stupid. But like swords. I want a sword like... Honestly, I'll tell you what's cooler than swords. Axes. No! Swords are way cooler than axes. Who's cooler? Bow and arrows are cooler than both.
Well, we know I was just gonna put it in terms that you would understand. Who was cooler, Aragorn or Gimli? Aragorn. Get the fuck out of here. Are you stupid? And way hotter. Sexual appeal has nothing to do with it. I'm talking simply off of, bro, you saw Aragorn? Yeah, cool. But a fucking... No. What were you gonna say? Okay.
What were you gonna say? Little guy. Oh, yeah. Little person. Well, he's a dwarf in that. Dwarf in the movie. So he's a... I think dwarf is cool. Cool. Cool.
Still doesn't make sense. It doesn't, but you got this dwarf running around. Double axe. I said that with a little bit. It seems like I threw that around. Yeah. Like it was a slur. Yeah. But like double axe and he jumps off and he's just like, ah. Yeah. Way cooler than fucking Aragorn. Aragorn was way cooler. Legolas coolest, obviously. Legolas coolest because of the bow and arrows. Also, he had two skinny swords too. You forget that part. That's right. He had the fucking, you know.
Joey was such a... He's not very good at that. He was such a whore for Legolas. I really was. And it wasn't even the Orlando Bloom of it all. It was just... It was just like a sick character. It's just so cool to be like... From so far away. Bro, those games...
Joey so if you guys don't know what we're talking about there were the Lord of the Rings movie tie-in games Yeah, the first one was okay. The second one was a fucking banger Yeah, the third one was also good, but not as good as the first Yeah, bro Joey it was like you had to like level up the characters download the second one on my Xbox right now and play it No, I'm going home and trying. No, I'll tell you why no, I
Just let me have Hulk. That wasn't why, I guess. No, I don't think you can because they're like licensed. There's like weird things with like licensing or like movies and stuff like that. I hate money stuff. Me too. You know what you can download though? What? Fusion Frenzy. Okay. It ain't fucking Lord of the Rings 2. You're right. I'll get you the Lord of Rings. You know what I don't understand? You're going to tell me. So like...
Forget about Lord of the Rings, even though it happens in that. But like any of those movies where it's like there's a castle and people are on the ground and they're running towards the castle. You got 400 dudes shooting arrows into the sky and they're just landing in the crowd and killing all these people. Is that not enough? You know what I mean? Well, how do they still get there? There's so many arrows. Well, I,
Are we talking the Lord of the Rings? I know that they shield sometimes. They got shields. They got a lot of people and you only have so many arrows. You look at the orcs in Lord of the Rings, there was a lot of them bad boys. Go watch that fucking- I'm talking about in real life. When's the last time you watched that movie? Which one? The second one. Two Towers. Two Towers.
I tried to go through the trilogy, watch the first one, and went, I hate this. Bro, all right, just watch the second one. First movie sucks. Just watch the second one. It is so fucking good. It doesn't suck. It's very good. The second one's whack. Please, please, please. Nothing happens in the first one. Literally nothing. Ask me what happens. No.
Because I can explain it to you and prove you wrong. No action. No action. They fight the fucking guys on the horses. They go to the bar and there's a fight in the bar. Fight in the bar? Then they go... In the first one? Then they go and he says, you know, the friendship is key. And they go in and there's fucking goblins and all this shit coming in. The tentacle monster. Bro, the first one's whack as shit. Bro, you're crazy, man. It's whack. Also, like, Elijah Wood...
He's very, like, dramatic in that for some reason. He's doing his job. He's, like, about to cry immediately in that movie. He's always on the verge of tears. Because you have to understand power dynamics. The fact that the ring that holds all this power has been giving to a little... Be stronger, bro. You have the ring in your hand, bro. Yeah, but he has the ring in his hand, but he's not allowed to use it. Remember, that's why when he puts it on, he hears... I know! Just wrap us in a light.
Which is like the snake from Harry Potter. Yes. Now that's a trilogy. Not a trilogy, but that's a fucking... Oh my God. Harry Potter is better than Lord of the Rings. The movies. The books are also good. The person who wrote them. Not going to get into that.
Oh, J.R. J.R. J.R. Do you imagine if Jim Ross wrote? No, who am I thinking of? Who wrote Game of Thrones? That's R.R. George R.R. Tolkien. No, you idiot. George R.R. Martin. George R.R. Martin wrote Game of Thrones. Right. J.R.R. Tolkien wrote. What's with the double R's? I don't know. And R.L. Stine.
R does. It is a good. R's write books. It is. And J.K. Rowling. Yeah. You know, what other books? What other books? How many authors do I know? C.S. Lewis. No R's there. No R's there. But he was probably saying them in his private life. Yeah. Authors love the fucking letters. Bing, bing. And then their name. Yeah, like C.S. Lewis. Like R.L. Stein. George R.R. Martin. J.K. Rowling. What is that? Why?
It's like a, I don't know, aliases? Be a fucking, be a man. Be Shel Silverstein, you know? Yeah, be Stephen King, who was just slapping his name on everything and doing coke. He was. R.L. Stine, though, those are good book covers. Goosebumps? Dude, I've been trying to collect them, like looking at eBay listings. You're not collecting enough things, aren't you? Honestly, I haven't bought a collectible in quite some time.
How many hours? Come on. A couple months. Right. I stop. Well, I have to stop. How many Goosebumps books are there? Not a lot, right? There was like 50. What do you mean not a lot? I mean, 50 is not that many. There were like the original, and then they made the ones, remember? It would be like, jump to this page, jump to that page. It was like different endings and shit like that. You know what book I'll never forget? The one where it's like a picture of like a basement and like plants. Yeah.
Don't go in the basement, I think it's called. Yeah, so I don't know what happens in that book, but I remember it made me afraid to go in my cousin's basement. And I was like, I'm not. It was the one where... Because he had a plant. Spoiler for a 30-year-old book and show. The dad is like doing experiments and becoming like half plant. Right. And he's like drinking chlorophyll. Yeah, bro, some of those shows are legitimately terrifying. I always, always, always talk about...
That's a scary fucking intro. With the dog and his eyes change. And the woman's happy. Also the dude just walking with a briefcase. And it opens. Spiral staircase. And that big fucking G. Why is he dressed like the Undertaker? Probably because he's an Undertaker, brother. Fuck that. Are you afraid of the dark always got me too. Fuck that. I never watched an episode of that. Oh my god, it scared the fucking. The fucking.
Like the match goes out and you're like, fuck. It was a candle or a match. No, you're right. It was a match. There's one episode though. If you've never watched, please, please do me a favor and go home and watch this episode. Google it. It's called The Tale of the Ghastly Grinner from Are You Afraid of the Dark? I don't even want to. It, to this day, scares the shit out of me. Just Google that and look at the image that pops up. I hate images. Just do images. Tale of the Ghastly Grinner.
Are you afraid of the dark? Yes. Yes, dude. It's a jester. It's a haunted jester. And they like ooze like blue stuff from the mouth. Oh my God. Oh no. Bro, I miss when stuff was actually scary for kids. It's all like, ew, this guy's fucking terrifying. I know, dude. I know, I know, I know, I know. I don't fuck with this. I also hated that one. Ranto.
I hated the one that I mean they played it like every like Halloween back then but the girl put on the mask and the mask became part of her and I remember the scene she goes like this and she's like trying to pull it off it's like her skin is now green and I was like I'm never putting on a mask again yeah it's so good I never say cheese or die that's the act I think the acting debut of Ryan Gosling he's in that then there's the one that it's like the killer sponge the best one was Slappy the dummy though
Who? You don't remember Slappy the Dummy from Goosebumps? Slappy the Dummy? Slappy the Dummy. You definitely... This fucking... Slappy the Dummy. Oh my fucking God, this motherfucker. Night of the Living Dummy, babe. I hate dolls. Paramount Plus has all of, I think... Are you afraid? No, I think you're afraid of the dark. Are you afraid of the dark? By the way, people who grew up not afraid of the dark, you weren't afraid of the dark? Not one bit. Terrified. Why? It's dark. I always...
Am I about to learn something about you? What? I remember being a, you know, middle school aged young lad trying to impress women because what we were told as boys back then was just like, what impresses women? Being hard, being macho, being strong, being tough. I remember saying to women that like, I'm more comfortable in the dark than I am the light. You bet!
Fuck up, dude. That is such a Frankie thing. You guys have no idea. This is the same thing when you told some girl like my legs are mostly scars because you thought scars were cool. Yeah, well, you told society. Society did it. Big society. You told girls that I'm more comfortable in the dark like he's a bat.
And I used the lake house as how much we played Manhunt and stuff like that. Because legitimately, there were parts of the lake house that were so dark that you could just stand in the dark and no one could see you. And that's what I would do. So I had said, I'm more comfortable in the dark is such an insane way to think of like, this will get them. They're going to think I'm so sick. And guess what? Guess what? Didn't work? Not at all.
Not one bit, babe. Not at all. Not a single time. And guess what? I was wrong. That's so funny. Who would have thought? When you're young, the stupid shit that you think are going to impress girls. Well, who would have thought? I'm very fast.
Yeah, sweet, dude. Watch me throw myself into this bush and come out with no scratches. Love doing that. Yeah, I mean, who would have thought that all women wanted was someone to talk to and be treated well? Women, they were fucking, they were 11, dude. Okay. How old are you? What grade are you in when you're 11?
It was fifth grade. So yeah. 12, 13, 14. That was when I was like, yo, if I'm just really fast, this girl is going to like me. Yeah. Joey would take off and run his face. And they, spoiler, spoiler. I would run away from girls. Spoiler. They liked him because of his face. Not my speed. Not your speed. If anything, your speed probably took you down a notch. They were like, this guy is kind of giving me the ick right here. He's just running. He's running away from me. He's just running. Why is he running in circles? Yeah. And I was the type that like, I would be like, fuck it.
My legs are mostly scars. I've gotten kicked in the balls. I have iron balls, you know? Yo, wait. Oh no, that was Keith. What? Remember when Keith was like, give me a purple Nerf gun. I was the one that was like, you can hit me in the nuts and if I brace myself for impact, it won't hurt. Guess what? Spoiler, it hurt. He was just masking the pain. Even with the brace, I'd be like, nothing. He would go home and spit out blood. Yeah.
I'm shocked I had children. The amount of times I've been hitting the nuts. I'm more comfortable in the dark. I love when those little things pop up, you know, because I forgot who I was talking to the other day, but I was talking about something from back in the day. And I'm like, Frankie will definitely remember stories around this. Cause he has like such a spotty specific memory from back then. I'm like, yeah, probably so good. I think it was like my mom. We were like going through pictures and I'm like, I bet Frankie remembers this day.
What was the day? I don't remember. Oh. I don't remember from... You don't remember from two days ago seeing the picture. How the fuck do you expect me to remember it from 14 years ago? Well, I'm saying if you saw it, you would. Honestly. Yeah. Good times. Good times. I'm more comfortable in the dark. Cool. Anyway, I think we can end it there. Batman, where can I find you besides the shadows of the rooms?
That's the only place. At Valvers885 on Twitter, they Frank Alvarez on all the forms of social media. Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. TheBasementYard.com slash submit. Submit your questionnaire if you're coming to any of the Basement Yard Experience shows. We're excited to get back after it. Joey, Joey, Joey. You guys can go follow me at Joe Santagato. Go follow the show at TheBasementYard on TikTok and Instagram. And that is all. See you guys next time.