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Welcome back to the base- Welcome back to the basement yard, I'm here with my co-host, a bottle of Go-Gurt. First of all, Go-Gurts come in tubes, you stupid bitch. If you're gonna come at- If you're gonna shoot for the king, you best not fucking miss. Go-Gurts come in tubes. But I will say you look like- Now if it was- Wherever's inside of you tastes delicious. Ew, that was- That was so-
I meant like anything that's packaged with those colors you're like that I know inside that tastes good This is like I'm I am I will say this my color scheme today is like Danimals yogurt drink I will I will agree you are Easter I am Easter I am I actually wore this on Easter I am also like the old Trix yogurt that was not yogurt guys was it not
Dude, sugar. Yeah, but it's probably like a probiotic in it, maybe? You think. Prebiotic? You think that they were just like, let's make this Trix yogurt healthy. No! I doubt that it was actually real yogurt. I highly doubt it. It was probably more... What is yogurt? Milk? Cultured milk, yeah. Kind of like bacteria is fucking in there and stuff like that. Dude...
You know how you're not supposed to eat mold? Yeah. Right? You eat mold. But like... I don't eat mold. But I'm saying like I saw a video of like blue cheese. Yeah, it's mold.
But why can't we eat that mold? I don't know. Maybe there's something. It's like good mold. There's good molds, bad molds, babe. There's good, like, mushrooms and fungus and stuff like that. There's good versions of it you can eat, and then there are others that you can't. There's some gross- Mushrooms aren't mold. They're mushrooms. They're fungus. Spores of fungus is mold. Yeah. Tomato, tomato, right? I don't- I think they are kind of like mold. Like moldy. I'll be honest.
I love a good mold. Like, smell of, like, mold in a basement or something like that. Wait, what? You like the smell of mold? Well, like, just leave me out. Leave me out. I'm not sitting there sniffing black mold. I'm all right. So what's your favorite mold? I'm just... I like, like, a dingy...
Like a leaky basement? Like a dingy, leaky basement. I do. Why? Because it's just like, I like it. I don't know. But didn't your house go underwater or some shit? Like your thing exploded. What was the thing that exploded? First of all, my house didn't go underwater. I'm exaggerating. But we had a small leak. You said there was a bunch of water on the ground. There was. There was a little bit of water. So you must have enjoyed that is my point. Well, no. I didn't enjoy it because... But you liked the smell of it. I will say that...
I do like a good basement smell. There's something about a basement smell that is just nice. You're like a little musty and like you get like, you know, like the humidity and like the water moisture and like it's just fucking just... You're a dirty whore. A little bit. Yeah, Jesus Christ. It's just nice. It's nice. But like, you like mold?
I like mold. Black truffles. White truffles. I do, then. Those are molds, babe. Yeah. You know, mushrooms. I like mushrooms. You like mushrooms. Yeah. You know, but then, like...
When fruit get stupid hairy and shit like that? What is that about? Oh, man. I've had some strawberries in my fridge, and then I look at them, and I'm like, this thing's got hair now? Yeah, I don't like— Like Albert Einstein's hair starts growing out of the strawberries. Do you remember when people lied to us, or maybe they didn't, I just don't care to find out, when they said that if you leave mayonnaise in the sun, it'll grow hair or some shit like that?
They said like put out a plate of mayonnaise and it'll like in the sun and it'll start to like grow hairs Which like why would I care if that happened? No, just I was like, I thought it was cool You think any dudes who are evolving were like put mayonnaise on gotta put mayonnaise, bro Bald people are just trying to fucking figure it out, bro. I've seen video first of all, I went down a
Wild rabbit hole bald guy rabbit hole. It was a bald guy rabbit hole where like dudes who are like they're thinning and stuff And then they just shave it and then they put glue down and they put like the most amazing Toupee on that like stays the fuck on yeah, then the barber like barbers it guts it dude And then they're like good dude. They're fucking and they're really good good dude the place where I go to get my hair cut is
Has a guy that does that? He's he- But he's super secretive. Oh, behind a curtain. Like the people come in and they like throw a curtain up and like, and then they walk out fucking full head of hair. They walked in looking like idiots. Yeah. I'm not referencing that people with thinning hair are idiots, but you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. And then they leave there just like head of hair.
That's kind of cool. Can you swim with that? But now I look around. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I look around and I'm just like, which one of you guys are the fucking fakers here? Who's got the fake hair? Some people just have great hairlines, great hair. You have a great hairline. Listen, it is a blessing. It is. I really, truly believe that. And I gave it to Maeve and Ruby. And Becca said, she's like, Ruby's hair is the fifth love of her life.
She's got really good hair. She's got great hair, dude. Bouncing curls, beautiful golden brown locks. Yeah. How you doing? Beautiful golden brown. How you doing? Now, here's the question I have for you because... Fire away.
The question, I mean. Yeah. I'm a little confused. After earlier, you told me whatever goo is inside me tastes delicious or some shit. First of all. You said goo. No one mentioned goo. You said goo. And I misspoke. I was trying to talk fast. I think that was a Freudian slip. You wish, bitch. I don't wish. Hold on. Before we move any further.
I know this is gonna sound like I'm making it up again, but I promise I had another dream. Yo, what's wrong with you lately? Maybe I'm just sleeping well. I don't know. Sleeping well? Or what do you eat? Because there are people that say, like, if you eat stuff before bedtime or certain things before bedtime, it, like, makes your dreams, like, fucking lucid or some shit. I don't really eat before bed. Lucid dreams. Wasn't that a rap album or something like that? I don't know. Anyway, I had a dream. Yeah, I think it was. I can't...
This is so stupid, but i've been having like very wild dreams. Yes First for those you guys that don't remember last week's episode We talked about it joey had a dream that my dad full-on fat shamed someone at one of our shows Called her a fat fuck fat fuck and then like in the middle of our shows Which there were only like 40 people there. Yeah, so like it's like this was a nightmare. Yeah And you know, that's that's what happened. But I I wrote this. Um
This is at 3:26 AM I wrote this. The fact that you have, I will say this, it is impressive that you have the wherewithal to wake up and immediately go to write something down. Dude, that happens all the time. Like some, some, all the times, what am I saying? It happens all the time though. Sometimes I'll wake up out of my sleep
And like a joke will come to me and I'll just write it down. That's very strange. I know, right? But good. That's great. I guess, you know, because if you're sleeping, you're not. This guy is so fucking business boy that he fucking does work in his sleep where he's just like, he's like, oh, I gotta be on it. And like you fucking dream about work, you loser. So dude, so I don't, okay.
Don't read it as you wrote it. I am. Don't do some shit where you try to make sense of it. No, no, no, no, no, no. I just, I want to be able to set the scene as well because now I had to read it real quick so I could remember like what was going on. So it says dream where woman just started giving birth. Okay. Right. So now I remember I'm in a house and there's a woman she's giving birth, but she's not, it doesn't look like a baby dude. Like she's giving birth to like a
A sack That has Possibly a baby in it But it was like Well that's a thing That's a real thing The amniotic sack I know but like It was in the sack Yeah that happens That can happen Okay but this looked Very big I mean they're a big baby I was a big baby Dude I'm talking about This was the size of a three year old And the sack was around it as well I guess that could happen as well I don't know that it can happen Okay Were you a big baby? I don't know
You don't know your weight and height and stuff like that? No, what am I gonna do with that information? Just have it, Joey! Six town- six- six towns? Six pounds, three ounces. You're a small baby. I don't know though. Oh. I don't know. I was a big baby. Anyway. So listen, I had a dream where a baby started giving birth and then... and then I shit on the floor.
So listen, listen. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I shit on the ground. Like you prepped to like you squatted down or like you accidentally pooped? No. So I guess it was accidental, but it didn't really feel like I, like it felt like I had an option here. I'm in a house. I mean, I hope you have an option. Yeah, to like use a bathroom. Oh, but you chose not to. Yeah, that's almost what it felt like. So I'm standing there, right? And there's like a couch right in front of me like this. So I'm kind of blocked. Oh.
But I'm in a room of people. And it was almost like you're giving one of those at-home births. Okay. But she's giving birth to basically a fucking sleeping bag. Yeah, a horse. And it's coming out, and I kind of just... No, literally, it looked like a sleeping bag, but it was a little see-through. Like Kakuna? Oh, a cocoon, bro. No, no, no. Not a cocoon. I know, Kakuna. Kakuna, the Pokemon. It wasn't green, though. It was more of like a maroonish brown.
Which is oh cocoon is also not green. That's metapod. Oh yellow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh joey Oh, yeah, that's where you draw the line. I fucked up metapod and cocoon. How can you survive? Okay But it was kind of like I was wearing shorts and I kind of just like opened up the bottom of my short and took a couple Of shits on the ground gross, but I think there's something about it. That's actually kind of endearing go on Yeah, and then and then I said and picked it up with espo shirt
He has two outfits laid out on the bed near me. Oh, so I guess it wasn't a couch. It was like a bed. So there's a bed in this room that this person... By the way, whom was giving birth? I don't know. I don't remember. You don't know the woman? No. An indiscriminate woman giving birth within feet of you. It was clearly someone that me and Espo know. And you guys... How many... I guess you know a good amount of women...
Yeah. It seems like an older woman, kind of. Not like old as hell, but like a 50-year-old or something. Okay, all right. Which is not typical for giving birth. So he had two outfits. This is what I wrote. He has two outfits laid out on bed near me.
While everyone watched the birth, I used one of his shirts and I picked up my own shit. Yeah, gotcha. And then I threw it out. I guess that shows what you think about it. I think... And that was the dream. I'm going to go out on a limb here, Joey. Are you going to dissect this? I think I shall. Okay. Normally, I try to find reasons for why you might be... Having a dream. Piece of shit. Oh, yeah. Having a dream, too. But like a piece of shit. A real bad guy. I think...
This was a very, like, endearing dream that you had subconsciously. Because it's like, I'd rather stay. No, because it is a thing that when women give birth, sometimes they crap. Okay. And I think that maybe you, in order to take pressure off of this woman who was birthing apparently a fucking... She was... One of the carts on the 7 train. Yeah. It looked like a full burrito. You decided to draw... That is disgusting. No, but like...
Huge though. You decided to draw attention away from her, make her feel more comfortable. By shitting on the floor? By crapping yourself. Yeah. It's like in Billy Madison. You know, when Billy Madison wets his pants after the kid pisses his pants. By the way, way too old for a kid to piss his pants that much. Craziness, right? Wild piss. What grade were they actually in? That was like four.
He's like, oh, I had an accident. It's like, bro, you're too old for accidents, my guy. It's gotta be first or second grade. Like, that's a... And that's not a little accident, dude. That kid fucking pissed his pants. Yeah, he took a fucking piss. I'm not gonna look it up. It's gotta be like first, second, or third grade. It's one of those. Yeah. Because... Bro, I haven't pissed my pants since I've been allowed on a bus. You know what I mean?
I have gotten a little trickle in my pants. But that was like, once you start peeing, you stop to pee elsewhere. Yeah. That was the wildest accident I've ever heard. Also, they're at like a farm, dude. Piss anywhere. The place already smells like piss and shit. No one's going to be upset. And it's the 90s, dude. You know what?
I'm gonna throw you a bone here because earlier you said that you'd like to smell moldy basements. You like to smell like horse shit and horse... I kind of like the smell of like being on a farm and it's like it smells like shit and hay. Yeah, I do. And I'm like, I don't mind that though. I do kind of like that too. Why do I not care?
Because like a big mountain of horse shit, I'd be like, too much. Really? But when it's mixed with hay, I'm like, I kind of feel comfortable. Well, I assume most fruits and vegetables that you eat at some point had, you know, lived amongst shit. Manure is a fucking big time fertilizer. But like, I kind of like cow shit. I hate seeing it come out the cow though.
Don't. You like watching cows assholes? I... Who didn't say... I didn't say that. Yes, you did. No. Well, I also am thinking of horses. Bro, you ever see like a rhino take a dump and their tail just like kind of slaps it around? Hippos. Hippos, that's... Dude, hippos, it's like shitting in a fan. Yeah.
That's literally like that. That's what it looks like. Look up a video of a hippo shitting. Clear your history afterwards. But like, look up a video of a hippo shitting. Their tail is just like, it just knocks it everywhere. Which is honestly kind of smart because it breaks it up a little bit. Makes it easier for like, it's easily digestible for the ground. No, your tail's covered in shit. Yeah. Well, whatever. Clean your tail, dude. Oh, I guess you should go sit in a river. You want a tail? Do I want one?
I used to want a tail really bad, but I don't want a tail anymore. I don't think, I don't know if I want one. Maybe I would. I'm not quite sure. The debate is out. I feel like having a tail would be pretty cool. You could like whip it around. People know when you're happy. Well, all tails wag when they're happy, right? I know dogs do. How are they attached to emotion? Because it's just like when you're so fucking pumped. Yeah, but I don't wag my, I don't like wag my ass when I'm hype. What do you do?
You smile. I smile. Exactly. Dogs can't smile the way that humans can. I've seen dogs smile. Come on. Alright, so they wag their tail? They wag their fucking ass. Yeah. They get real happy. I'm telling you right now, if some study comes out in like five years and they're just like, when dogs wag, it's because they're like nervous. I don't care. Yeah, I know. You've ingrained in me that they're happy when they wag. Leave it at that. Yeah, I don't need that. But it's weird that we got on the topic of like cow shit and stuff.
Do you remember... You're using cow shit as the jumping point of the conversation. Yeah, because you talk about animals and farms and shit, and they just reminded me. Do you remember horny goat weed?
Yeah, like the dick pill? You remember it? Yeah, I never took it. I know that it was like there when I went to go buy gum. It was like in my face. It was like, can I have a winter fresh and there's horny goat weed staring at my face. So there was... I don't know if everyone knows about this, but like definitely New York City. And I imagine it's also in other inner cities. But like bodegas used to have like right next to like fucking...
Bubblicious and bazooka Joe they would have on a rack and it's called horny goat weed and it was just like a guy and a girl kissing Oh, I thought I had a goat on it or maybe maybe some of the packaging there But I remember one it was just like a guy and a girl like, you know, like the to make it boner pills boner pills Honestly, what do you think those were? What do you mean like ingredients? Mm-hmm cigarettes Some sort of blood
Stimulant? Yeah. What if I told you it's just like a real life plant? What do you mean? It's a fucking plant. That's it. There's a crushed up plant? Yeah. Which plant? Bro, I'm thinking when I saw those pills, I've never taken them by the way. You? No. I've never imagined that they were like anything other than just like crushed up dirt from an alleyway.
And they like fucking mixed in some sprees or something, you know, like a real low tier. Underrated candy, honestly. Oh, no, don't care for them. You don't care about a sprees? Sprees could take it and suck it. No. It absolutely can. Yeah. I don't mind sprees. Oh, glad someone likes them. But it's an actual just, it's just a fucking plant, dude. Which plant? It's called epimedium. Epimedium.
Also known as barren wart. Bishop's hat. That sounds like a dick. It sounds like a circumcised dick. Fairy wings. That doesn't sound like a circumcised dick. Horny goat weed or yin yang hu. I should probably... That last one we could cut out. Why? It's in Chinese and I fucked it up. Yin yang? Yin yang hua. How do you say hua? H-U-O. Huo. Huo. Oh, that's okay. We tried. It's...
A fucking plant. It's just a plant that makes your cock hard.
Now I feel, like, safe about it. I always thought that I would have it and my heart would explode. Is that not crazy? So the species used as a dietary supplement is Epimedium grandiflorum. It contains icarin, which is a weak PDE5 inhibitor in vitro. Its clinical effects are unknown, while there is little clinical evidence to date as selendafil, varginafil, sold under the brands Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis. They're all based on...
Stronger PDE5 inhibitory action. So this plant... Didn't hear any of that, but good. This plant is used to just fucking give rock-hard cocks. That I knew. But a plant, dude? Oh, the plant. No, the plant part. I thought that this fucking guy at this deli was just trying to rip people off. I thought it was lab-made. You know what I'm saying? Exactly. Never in a million years would I have imagined it's just a regular plant. Why? How did that come up in your life? I don't know.
Like, how did you figure that out? We did an episode of the basement yard, Patreon, where we talked about like plants and stuff like that and health foods. Yeah. Remember where I torched you on a keeping it Frank segment? That didn't happen. And I like stumbled upon horny goat weed and found out it's just real things. Oh. Well, bro, imagine being out in the world and just being like,
And all of a sudden, boner time. I got to go fuck my Neanderthal wife. Yeah. You know? Do you? What do you think their vaginas were like? Trash, dude. Like, just like. Gross. Probably. And listen, that's okay because the dicks were probably twice as worse. Way worse, dude. Dude, two Neanderthals having sex in a cave. What does that smell like, dude? You know what I'm saying?
And then how do you give birth in a cave? And then the baby comes out and it lands in the muck. Yeah, I just imagine- How does it live, survive? I imagine like when Neanderthals lived, it was just like tar pits and like- Caves. Just nothing. Like just like, yeah, like caves- A lot of hair. Hair. Caves. One eyebrow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Strong brow, absolutely. Huge teeth. They do the hair thing with the bone. Do you know that it's well-documented of the first woman to give a BJ? What? And there's a picture of her. They tried to create the picture of her. Have you seen it? She got bing bangs. First woman to give a Blow Johnson. Imagine being known for something like that. Well, she won't know.
Well, maybe she does. Maybe she'd be with us. Where is it? I've seen a history of oral sex. Wait, how could they trace it back to her? What she found would just... Uh-oh. There's like a hieroglyphic image here that I'm not going to show, but it's a woman doing what we're saying. Doing sex on mouth. Where is it? I'll just go to images because I've seen the picture before. Like, oh, this is the first woman that was like, all right, with the blurred imaging, I'm a grown adult. What?
Joey wants to go back to the blurred image. These are not the first woman. These are just women. Current women. Current. Gotcha. Okay. Well, let me tell you, let me ask you this. Yes. Time travel. We bring a Neanderthal woman. We bring her in. We bring her into today's age. Yeah. No, no, no, not at all. Not one bit. Not one. She's just like, which she would world's first documented bludge.
How do you document that? Hieroglyphics? Around the 24th century BC, the sun god Ra and the creator god Elam created... Hey, man, these are myths. The sun god Ra in Egypt, this is a myth. But if they drew pictures of the sun god... So they had an idea. Sucking the sun god?
Dude, that's crazy. Kind of crazy, dude. When you're going, I guess that's a good... Once you start sucking the sun, where are you going to go up from there? You can't just go suck another guy. You've peaked. Especially like these Egyptian freaks, you know? That's what I'm saying. I can't find it. They're probably like cats watching and stuff. Cats? Yeah, they were big on cats. They loved cats. They believed cats were like something to do with the afterlife or something. So wrong. Well, take it easy. Cats are cool and great. No. I do like a black cat that has like green eyes.
That's very specific. Yeah, I've seen it around Halloween, but that's it. Oh. Kittens are cute. I like cats. And I like petting them, but like... I like cats. I don't like when I show up and people have just like a fat cat. Yeah, fat cats suck. It's like...
This isn't even a cat. It's not a real animal anymore. The thing is just like a cat's supposed to be like agile and quick and like maybe kill you. It shouldn't be sitting in the recliner watching TV. Honestly, though, tell me that wouldn't make you laugh if you saw it. Are you kidding me? I would love that if I saw a video of that. Yeah, so I just couldn't believe horny goat weed was a real thing. Serious question. First science. Am I taking one? Are you taking a dick pill or something? No.
I don't know. I get kind of freaked out with stuff. I barely take like Advil and Tylenol and stuff. Don't they say that if you have it for more than four hours, they need to use a fucking needle and drain your dick of blood? All the more reason why I'm not going to take it. Didn't know that. But I did hear like if you take Viagra and it's like if it's for more than four hours. Imagine being hard for four hours. No shot. I haven't been hard for... I've probably been hard for an hour.
I have- What? I think so. Oh, that's right. Fucking Jackhammer Joe over here. Fucking, I've been doing sex for fucking like 80 months. First of all, I don't think I've ever had sex for a full hour in my entire life. Yeah, alright. I don't think that's ever happened. Fucking big old, big fucking jackhammer cock over here. Yeah. Just fucking did-dig-y. No. That's what he's talking about. I have been hard for an hour. No, but like when you're young and you're like, I'm just hard.
No, dude. I'm home from school. I'm sick and I have a boner. I know you and you wouldn't let that happen. You'd fucking crank that cock to kingdom come. If Joey was hard for five minutes, he'd be like, I got to do something with this. No, I wouldn't.
Because you're on your high horse because you gave up masturbation. I'm not on my high horse. I'm just saying that I think that knowing... Frank doesn't jerk his cock. He's weird. It's not that I'm weird. Don't get me started unless you want to open this fucking book. Don't touch his ass. Don't touch his nipples and he won't touch his own cock. What part of yourself... Did you say don't touch my ass? Yeah, you hate your ass. Yeah, don't touch my ass. Are you an ass play guy now? No. What are you talking about? You're saying that as if like he's weird. Don't touch his ass. Like... No, you're like...
I'm saying all parts of your body. You're like, I hate my nipples. I hate my ass. I hate my dick. I don't hate my dick. I, I, him and I have, it's hard. What do I do, bro? That's you. No, it isn't. Remember when you said I was weird because I keep my hand in my pants when I watch TV sometimes. No, I didn't say that. I didn't say that because I said, I do that too. I said, it's weird that you do it when you fall asleep. You're like, I fall asleep with my hands in one hand.
And I'm like, what would happen if you needed to get your hand out? And you said, uh-oh. And you just pull your hand out. Yeah. You're already dead, brother. If someone holds a gun to your head, you're already dead. What are you going to do? Steven Seagal? I'll be honest. I want to do that so bad. Not going to happen. We do have sponsors for today.
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New Santa Gato Studio videos, merch, the Patreon link, everything! Alright, thank you guys so much. We love you. We appreciate you. Now I'm gonna throw it on over like I'm a newscaster back to Joe. Joe? Oh my god. What? Because you said "newscaster" yesterday. You like that, you like that, right? Yes! Oh, I know what he's referencing. This is just... No, I can't... Alright, hold on, hold on! No! Shut up!
Yesterday we went to the Knicks game and we're standing in our seats and it's still like a half an hour before the game starts. So people are still filing in. Some old guy. Hold on. Don't talk. Don't you dare talk shit about New York One's lead anchor, Ted Kiernan. Okay. Sorry, Pat Kiernan. I fucked it up already because I'm so fucking pumped. This guy. Because we do this show and you guys are so supportive. Okay.
There's a lot of the times where we go out, a lot of people recognize who we are, and it's like, oh, hey. You said interaction. Sometimes where people are a little weird, and you're like, okay, you kind of learned from that. I was like, if I ever saw somebody that I recognized, I wouldn't be a little too over the top because I know how it feels if people are a little over the top for me. That's right, yeah. Frank, you forget about all that. He sees this guy. He's a news anchor. And Frank stands up out of his chair and gets in this costume.
There's people sitting in front of him that are just sitting there eating popcorn. He leans over them and goes, "YOU!" "I know this guy!" And then he goes, he strung the- and goes to give him a dab.
No, the guy laughed and dapped me up. He did. He did. And then we're all looking like, who is that? And he goes, the news. He's screaming, bro. He's screaming, the guy from the news. I know him from the news. Well, it's even funnier how I know him. It's even funnier how I know him. Holy shit, dude. Because first of all, this is accurate. It is Pat Kiernan, the New York One news anchor. Yeah.
And I did look at him and say, "Oh, let's go, news!" And dapped him up, and it was a meeting of the minds, let me tell you that. What's also funny is, toward the end of the game, which I will say, this is weird behavior. Weird behavior. He was on his phone watching the news. And then he's watching the news, and Frankie screams, "He's watching the news!" And then Greg goes, "He's addicted!"
It was funny, but I don't know him from the news. I know him from the Avengers.
So in the Marvel movies, they'll like cut to like a news broadcast and it's like I believe the news broadcast is called like WHIH. It's like a fictional news company in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and he's the anchor. Yeah. So I'm watching these fucking like Easter egg breakdowns. Shout out fucking Eric Voss and the team over at New Rockstars.
And they'll be like, "Oh, this is Pat Kiernan, and I've seen him in a dozen Marvel movies." So when I got fucking Marvel legend Pat Kiernan sitting in front of me watching the news, it's like, yo, it's insane that he was watching the news. You wouldn't be hype if you saw like fucking Aaron Judge out at a restaurant and he had a baseball game pulled up on his phone. You'd be like, "This is crazy." No, I mean... The guy's trying to hone his craft. When Greg said, "Oh my God, he's addicted."
I don't think... Guy's dedicated, man. I don't think there was anything wrong with the way he was happy. Frank, you pointed in his face and screamed, No, you! Let's go, news! It was... Oh, my God. It was a ruckus, loud, and energetic environment. How would you react if you saw, like, someone else? I don't even know. You know, I haven't met many famous people in my life. Thank God. But...
But I'll tell you two other ones that I have that you will at least confirm that I am consistent with the way that I approach them. We come from New York. And for those of you guys that don't understand, New Yorkers on an inherent level like to just kind of take the piss out of something. Oh, you're like, like, uh, fucking, uh,
You told a story once of like your dad says to you like, oh, you're doing all this, but you're still nothing. Like that's a very New York mentality. Like you could be the biggest person in the world and just be like, you're all right. You know, like you could be fucking, you know, Aaron Judge. Let's use that. People will be like, oh, Aaron, you're okay. You could be better. You know what I mean? Like this is a thing that New Yorkers do. Chris DiStefano, I think, told a story of him and his dad seeing fucking Steven Tyler. No, it was Phil Collins, I think.
It was Steven Tyler and his dad called him Bon Jovi. Like, it's just, it's just like, it's something that they do. And,
They're not big stars in the... But there was an actor that was in the Spider-Man movies. And his name is escaping me at the moment. But I bumped into him walking in Manhattan in middle school. You hit him? Like, literally, like, we were walking and I accidentally, like, bumped into him. And I, like, saw the dog and then looked up and it was him. And I was like, you motherfucker. You didn't say that. I swear to God. I was like, what's up? You didn't... Because he played Dr. Kurt Connors.
Who in the Spider-Man universe becomes the villain, the lizard after he doesn't have an arm and he tries to grow it back using like the same like cells that's, you know, lizards to grow their tail back. I'm falling asleep. But I literally, I was like, you motherfucker. You didn't think I'd fucking notice you. And like same shit. Consistency. Yeah, you're nuts, dude. Also happened what I meant.
Star running back for the Atlanta Falcons in 2007 Warwick Dunn. Wait, I love this story, please tell me. He was literally bumped into him coming out of a fucking like, like an office or something in Times Square right next to the like famous McDonald's right there off Times Square. And I was like, Warwick Dunn, what's up? You know, and he's like, yo, buy my book. And I said, I won't. Oh, I thought he said, do you want a copy of my book? And you're like, no. Either way.
Both, I refuse to support his book, Novelization Endeavors. Yes. So I remain consistent, if nothing else. Yeah, I don't know that that's a good thing. Why not?
Seeing you motherfucker and someone that you don't know a stranger is insane. His name was Dylan, Dylan something. Dylan... Not going to make a difference. Yeah, you're right. It doesn't matter. Dylan... Dude, when you screamed in that guy's face though, I was frozen in time. I'm like, what is he doing? I think Let's Go News is one of my... Let's Go News? Let's Go News.
And he acknowledged and turned around and laughed and smiled. Yeah, he did. Definitely. And I said his name. I was like, Pat Kiernan. And he turned around and he was hype. He was. But the craziest part is we're talking about the fourth quarter. It's going back and forth. Wild threes are being hit by both teams. He's sitting down watching the news. It's like people that like...
Like have their own sex tapes and jerk off to them. You know what I mean? Like you think it was like a thing he got off on? You know, what's funny too is he left early and Ahmed goes, yo, this guy left. Like, where did he go? And I was like, 11 o'clock news. Evening news is coming up, babe. He had to get back in studio. Yeah. Damn. All right. Well, listen, if this somehow finds it to New York one legend, Pat Kiernan,
Come on the show, you know? Maybe. Pat Kiernan? I believe it's Pat. I hope it is Pat. Because if not, now you've got to look it up. Because it's probably like Bert. Just type in New York One News legend Pat Kiernan. Why am I writing legend? I don't know. New York One News anchor. Yeah, it's Pat Kiernan. Let's go. Pat Kiernan. This guy made his night. Maybe he doesn't get noticed then because it makes it funnier that this poor guy
Poor guy is just trying to enjoy a basketball game. He's trying to enjoy the news at a basketball game, and you're yelling at him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know. Maybe you put the pressure on him, and after you notice him for the news, he's like, I better watch this. Maybe that was, like, what he needed. Maybe he was feeling, like, a sense of, like, did I get in the right, like, am I doing what I love to do in the right place? And then, like, he got dapped up by a guy that he might have thought I was Jason Momoa. Uh-oh. Nay. Maybe, like, an Antonio Banderas or a Pedro Pascal. So maybe he was excited. Or he thought you are.
An annoying person, which you were. I was an annoying bitch. You screamed in his face. At a Nick game. His boy was hype. Everyone else was screaming. Yeah, his boy. Who's he? Get out of here. No, but his boy was like, yeah, it's him. You remember? Yeah, loser. I'm sorry. Who's he? Nobody. Get him out of here. First of all. Another thing. Yo, Frankie's out of control. No.
I'm not out of control. First of all, I do it to joke around. I know that, but sometimes I worry that people don't know you, so they don't know. We were doing something the other day, and we met this person. There was a person for this content team, and they were like, oh, we're going to shoot some content with you guys. Can you just answer these questions? Oh.
Frankie's saying that we've never, we just learned their names. We just met. And Frankie goes, nice fucking shirt to the guy. And he's wearing like a Corvette shirt. And I'm like,
What are you saying? And the guy, because the guy doesn't know Frankie. So he doesn't know that he's like, not that he doesn't know he's joking. He's like, he's kind of like, thanks. He's like, oh, no, he actually was like, oh, thanks. And I was like, he's being a piece of shit is what you call it. I was like, oh, I thought the shirt was nice. And I'm like, it is nice. And then you, you immediately went to defensive mode. You were like, I have a Corvette shirt. Yeah. I was like trying to be on his team. Cause I'm like, Frank's just like, nice fucking shirt. I'm like, Frankie, chill. Listen, not,
Not everyone's me that you can just tear apart. I know, I know. And something I have learned really since meeting Becca is to learn my audience. I need to understand my audience and read the room a little bit better because it doesn't always... It's funny for me to watch. You know what's funny is I tell this story as...
When Becca and I, we were dating maybe a year and change. I went through a phase of watching so much Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, like clips and shows and stuff like that. Bro, it's fucking hysterical. But those of you guys that don't know Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, he's kind of like an insult comedian. He's a dog hand puppet, though. Yeah. And he's...
His whole shtick is just fucking ruthless. And I was watching it so much that we were drunkenly, you were there, but not where it happened. We were out at a bar, Joe's Garage, and Becca was talking to someone. And I don't remember the exact joke, but it was something. What did you say? It was something in the vein of like, the girl was just like, oh, my name is Liv.
And I was just like, nice to meet you, Liv. Maybe go die or some shit like that. Why? Triumph took over at that point in time. And I immediately apologized. I'm sorry. I immediately... I was like, I'm sorry. That was too much. And she shook it off and laughed a little bit. But Becca was like, what the fuck was that? And like...
I have learned to read the room a little bit and like not everyone understands our sense of humor. This kid's got to learn not to tell people to die the second he meets them or that they have a shitty shirt on. Oh yeah, well that shirt. I would have sized up. That's all. It was a very tight shirt. But he was extremely nice. He was really nice. And I did feel bad a little bit after. You were right. I should have not. Yeah, I was like, I got to save this. I shouldn't have. But if anything...
I made you look better. Thank you. I'm more concerned about him. And then... Oh, wait. I probably shouldn't say the rest of the story. I'll tell you all. Yeah. But... Yeah. Yeah. Good time, babe. Yeah, it was fun. It was a fun time. But I do think that when you do that, it's like... At first, it's like, oh. But then I think people love to warm up to it as well. Well, you know what's crazy, though? Is that I have... I'm normally, when people approach me, I'm not like that. Yeah. I'm appreciative and very like, thank you. But...
Sometimes. When it's like when I'm meeting people, sometimes I try to break the ice. Yeah. You know what I mean? I feel the same way. I do it in a different way, but... You don't insult them, you mean? No. No, I just try to like... I don't know. Yeah, you try to... Like, I try to break the ice. Especially in like professional settings, I don't like to... I don't... Like, I will go out of my way to not be so like buttoned up because I don't like that. It's weird because like in like the fucking bubble that we're in, like...
You want to be professional?
But also, like, you also need to be your, like, the thing about you that, like, has gotten you to where you are. Yeah. Like, I have done this. This is an issue I have with emails. Like, I have been just, like, fucking completely, like, wired to be super, like, fucking, like, square in an email. Yeah, yeah. You know, like, hey, how's it going, everyone? You know, thanks. Let's circle back. Like, that's just the way that I am. Put a pin in it. Put a pin in it. Let me know if you need anything. Any questions. You know, like...
So like I find that like I need to be a little more informal, but it's hard for me. It's funny. We do have more sponsors though.
Not New York One. Yeah, definitely not after that show. Maybe he will. You never know. We never know. We know. But what we do know is that this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. That is online therapy. So if you want to step into the world of therapy, which I recommend you do because I've been in therapy, and it's amazing. I think that it does wonders for people. Even if you don't think that you have anything traumatic or anything that you're necessarily going through or need help with, I do think that setting aside like an hour a week
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And I think that we can put a bow on this episode by talking about, before we started, you're like, oh, there's a guy who accidentally ate a billion Tic Tacs. What was it? Boy is there. So there is a guy who posted his own story on Reddit and basically said that he loves Tic Tacs. Maybe he does. Tic Tacs. I'm a Tic Tac guy. Love Tic Tacs. Orange Tic Tacs. Green though, too.
Orange or better? Red or whack? We could say the worst. Red. Oh, I was going to say white. No. You like the whites. Yeah. Yeah? All right, there. I like white and green. It's like the same shit. I think the best is orange by far. It's not even close, dude. I like the orange ones too. But basically this guy, in order to curb his fucking diet to lose weight, would eat a fucking tub of Tic Tacs.
Because on the Tic Tac thing, it says like zero calories. Is that true? Yeah. So a serving, a Tic Tac serving is one. What is one one? One tac? Is it a tic or a tac? I think it's a Tic Tac. So then what? They're Tic Tacs. A whole box of Tic Tacs.
Also, one of the best vessels for anything. That is a good vessel. I love it just playing with it. I agree. And as a kid, I used to break it.
And then when we get stuck, you're like, oh, I got no more left. But it's actually stuck. It's just up there. He's like fucking hiding in the corner. Yeah, he's up in the corner. You got to smack the bottom and he comes down. You're like, I got you. I used to love stepping on it because it was like cool, like breaking glass because that's a hard plastic. I know. I like doing that or I would just blow into it for some reason. That's weird. And it would make it. That's weird. You have a weird thing with sucking and blowing into things.
Not true. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Honeycomb cereal. We're not going to name things. Yeah, well, exactly. We don't want to name things to support my argument here. Did you ever do that thing where like, oh, my back, and then you would crack the Tic Tacs behind you? I would do it with raw pasta. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'd put raw pasta in my mouth. I'd be like, ugh, you know, which I can crack my neck and back as it is, so it's not like it's that impressive. But...
So the guy on the thing it says like un tic-tac is zero calorie So he was just like all just eat a whole fucking tub of them He in a month gained like 40 pounds or something like this went to the doctor and she was just like, alright Let's fucking figure out what's going on. The dude like submitted his like meal sheet and
And she was just like, I don't know what the hell is going on. And like, it was like a telehealth call. And he opened a big thing of Tic Tacs and was like talking to her and eating it. And she's like, what's that? He's like, oh, I eat one of these jugs a day. A jug of Tic Tacs? Basically a big fucking container of Tic Tacs. And she was just like, well, there's your aunt. He's like, no, I didn't include it on my meal thing because they are zero calories. Turns out if the serving is less than five calories, they can list it as zero.
So this guy was accidentally eating his basically fucking body weight in sugar a day. Dude, I mean, how do you not know that? You can't eat other than like celery. But I also feel like if you eat like a tub of anything a day, it's like not good. Besides water. A tub? Sunflower seeds. That's what I eat. Not every day. It's a lot of fucking sodium. No. The ones that I get, it's only like 50% of your daily intake of sodium.
If you eat a tub. I don't eat a tub. I eat a bag. I'm saying... Not every day either. It's only when I come into this fucking hellhole. I'm sorry. That's not... I don't think this place is a hellhole. It's really an amazing... This is hellhole. It's an amazing place. How many calories... In a Tic Tac. Are in a Tic Tac? It's going to say zero. But like the... Two. One Tic Tac contains two calories. Oh, well, exactly. So the FDA...
Or whoever makes those fucking nutrition labels, if it's under five, they can say it's zero. Yeah, I guess. Isn't that, first of all, so stupid. I'm seeing this. This is the orange ones. And on the back, it says serving size one piece. And it says calories 1.9 on this. So maybe this guy's got it. So maybe the guy had a different container and stuff like that. Oh, wait, was this it?
Wait, this might be it. The story? I just found it, I think. It says, how many calories are in the 200 orange Tic Tacs I just ate? Yeah, it probably could. Could. Probably. 400 calories. Yeah, so the guy was like eating like 800 calories a day in Tic Tacs, which also literally just fucking compact sugar. Bro, 400 calories of Tic Tacs is nuts. I don't... Listen, I... I like mints though. Like minty shit. Yeah.
No, but I... I like mints, though. Have you... Did you see the mints in my car over the weekend? I have this thing of mints. It's gone now, but there was 150 in them. Gone? Yeah, I mean, over the course of months. But, like, I would get in my car, I'd pop two. Boop. Yeah? Yeah, not all the time. I don't care much about mints. But I'm saying, like, it's a similar thing. So, like, I can get... Yo, you remember when Keith used to eat those fucking Lifesavers? Boy, fucking do I. And also, those are addicting. Those are very addicting and...
He ate too many. This might be Keith. He might be doing this fucking 800 calories a day. He was eating like 30 a day. Dude, Keith had this jacket. Massive jacket. It was a winter jacket. You had one too that basically went down to his ankles. I don't know why we got those. Big winter jackets. It was the time to be big winter jacket boys. I guess. And he would go... He had a job. I think that's when he had the job at the liquor store. Okay. And he would go to...
Our normal, like neighborhood, like Rite Aid. I think it was Eckerd at the time. And he would buy the Lifesavers mints. The green bag. The green bag, which if you've never had them. They're good. Crack, dude. Legitimately might be made with cocaine. And he had so many pockets in this jacket.
that he would lift up one of the pockets. Another pocket. Put them in a pocket there, and then you would never know he had these things. He had, like, a whole... He would just open it and fill the pocket, because the pocket looked like this. I think it was like that. Yeah. Like a big square. And it was just filled with fucking...
Yeah, so that was a lot of myths. But that does remind me of Keith because he probably ate a bunch of fucking calories. What was like your... If you went to the store right now to buy a box or something of candy, is it... Oh, I know. It's going to be something stupid like hot tamales or fucking Mike and Ikes. Nah, I haven't like went out and bought candy in a while. But if I did, is chocolate candy? I mean, it is. But like, you know what I'm saying? Are you asking like a different question?
What do you mean am I asking? Because I'm more likely just to get like a little Kit Kat or something than I am just like a bag of Skittles. But like, I'm talking like the box, like movie theater candies. Like, you know me. I was Milk Duds and Sugar Babies to the day I died. Yeah, you love those. I love them. I like them too. Sugar Babies are better than Milk Duds in my opinion. That's your favorite, right? Milk Duds? Milk Duds are my favorite, yeah. Right now, if I'm like, oh, I want to go get some candy, I might just go like Skittles.
Or like a Starburst or some shit. Starburst is a little more acceptable. I like Skittles. I'm being a little harsh on them. Sour Skittles, though? No. Because then it fucking feels like my mouth just got beat up by a razor blade. Yeah, it does kind of fuck you up. Those things beat your fucking mouth. Usually now when I'm in the mood for something sweet, I want it to be cold. So like an ice or like ice cream or something like that. Okay, okay. Or like a gelato or some shit. I had quite the fucking bowl of tricks this morning. Let me tell you. Oh, was that my mom's?
She has a box of cereal that's Lucky Charms, but they're all little balls. I said this to you the other day. Yes, I was telling you this the other day. I had a little glass of it. I put them in a cup, but I was like, isn't it good? Yeah. I love Lucky Charms. I think they're an underappreciated. Those are better than the ones they actually sell that are normal flavors. No, no, no. I will say, though, the ratio from cereal to fucking marshmallow is way off. They need more marshes in those mellows. Yeah. Yeah.
You could buy marshmallows, like the marshmallows separately now. You know that, right? Yeah, I used to like physically assault Keith for taking the marshmallows out of it. Because then I would pour Lucky Charms in the morning in like third grade and I would just get the fucking... Damn, third grade. The grain oat shit. Well, it isn't grain or oat probably. Yeah, I don't know what it is. It's like ground up like Turkish... Turkish? What? I was going to say turkey. Turkey?
Ground up turkey, yeah. Ground up turkey bones, I was going to say. Yeah, no. But, yeah, man. Two fucking, eight, basically a thousand calories of Tic Tacs. I couldn't eat a little small pack of Tic Tacs a day for more than three days. How do you enjoy that? Do you think you can eat a whole box of Skittles in a day? What's a box? Well, like a movie theater box. Two of them. Two would be pushing it, but I could definitely, I've done it. Three. Three.
Where does this end? What are you asking me? I don't know. You just want to know my limits? Just want to see how far you could go. I want to bend you backwards to see until you break. Okay, buddy. I could probably do two. Three, I don't think I would go through. Milk duds, I might get one because those are rich. They are. That's like eating a whole tub of fucking caramel. Yeah. That would be crazy. Right? Right? I do like caramel. Wouldn't want to do that. Right? Right? I can only do so much like...
Yeah, I've never had a big sweet tooth. But when I do get one, it's like, I need this shit now. Yeah. Or when you have a thing that you haven't had in a long time, you're like, I'm so excited about this, I'm going to fucking murder it. Do you, like, you have a plate of food in front of you. Yeah. Give me your five favorite foods that would be on this plate.
It could be anything. And don't start naming restaurants. No, no. I know how much you love to fucking name drop fucking exclusive restaurants. Well, I'm going to make an actual plate. I'm not going to like just put the foods that I want. It could be any, it could be the foods you want. It doesn't need to be like, it doesn't need a flow, Joey. Fucking relax. Like you need your greens. You need your greens. Fuck you. Give me a plate. But that's a plate. Give me a plate of, all right, whatever. What's your plate? Uh, there's gotta be like,
Like a baked mac and cheese on here. Hell yeah. You know what I mean? Fuck yeah. Then I would probably go like a really whipped mashed potato. Ooh. My mom's broccoli. What? I'm getting the fuck out of here. What? Your mom's broccoli? Have you had it? It's incredible. It's good broccoli probably. She puts breadcrumbs on it. Listen. It's seasoned. Out of a whole world.
of food and I ask for five things and you say your mom's broccoli I said I'm making a plate put anything on it I make the rules and you ask me I say the thing you're such a loser bro I can't I'm so angry that you did that okay what do you want me to say lollipops fucking what do you want me to say
By the way, Frankie the other day called lollipops "licky pops." What the fuck was that about? It was accidental, and it was on a Patreon episode, which they can find at patreon.com/thebassmanyard, okay? He's always pluggin'. Listen, man, I'm like a fucking drain. Plug me up. So, alright, you do— Whoa! You heard that, right, everyone? That's crazy. That's nuts. No, that's crazy. That's crazy. My bad. We get it. Back it up. No, we get it. We know what you're trying to say. What are your five tough guy—
Colossal king crab. That's a good one. A fucking fat ribeye steak. Okay. I'll throw mac and cheese in there. Yeah. I mean, you're just at a steakhouse now. Damn right I am. Yeah, this is a surf and turf. My mom's broccoli. No. Pizza. Okay. Yo, if you hate that plate. It's a heart attack. Heart attack. It's an insane plate. Heart attack. But what was the point? The point I was going to get at is...
Do you eat what you're most excited for first or last? I think I treat it like a relay race. Like you let everyone get a little far? No, no, no, no. So like a relay race. And the only reason why I know this is because in fifth grade on field day. Here it goes. Jock boy. No, but. I was such a good relay race runner that I got a fucking gold ribbon.
Way to go. No, no, no. But Ms. Schnetzer, right? She brought us down, which sounds like a German curse. I'm not going to lie. I feel uncomfortable saying it. It might have been. Yeah, Schnetzer sounds crazy. We ever look up what Schnetzer means? Yeah. Why would I do that? It probably is her last name. I'm going to do it as you tell the story. But she brought our relay team, because you sign up for what thing you want to do, and she brought our relay team out to the yard, and we raced. And...
built the lineup. So she was like, okay, we're going to do set. Whoever comes in second place is going to go first. And then whoever comes in third, I think is going to go second and then fourth and then first. You understand? So the anchor obviously is supposed to be the fastest. Joey, I'm very well aware of how relay races work. So I'm just saying, but at that order, like that was the first time I heard that. So if I had this plate,
I think I usually do something like that. Like I want to have something that I'm excited for right now. Yeah. So I'll eat second place and I'll probably save the best thing for last. I kind of edge myself with my food a little bit. I'll do that. I'll do it. I'll be like, Oh, if I'm most excited for like, let's say like the, the King crab I'll eat.
That last I'll wait And also I want nothing Touching on my plate baby I want this thing I'm not like that I want I want like Fucking like Hard fence Like everything Has it's own spot Don't let them touch You like 1920's Segregation Don't Don't Don't do that Don't do that I don't like that I don't like that When you do that But When I do that I will Segregate my food Yeah
I don't like, I like to, like when you have corn and mashed potatoes on the same plate, you don't put the corn in the mashed potatoes and just eat it? No. I do that. No. I mean, I have done it before. Do you make a hole in the center of your mashed potatoes and put gravy in it? Gravy. Yeah, and then you cover it up and you're like, where'd it go? Where'd it go? And then when you peel it up, you're like, there it is. There it is.
I love that shit. I love that shit. And sometimes I'll dunk like a piece of broccoli in fucking mashed potatoes or something. I got to get you to stop with this broccoli. Why? Five foods on God's green earth. And you choose. You know what I really like now? Cold peanut noodles. Okay. Okay. So good. I'll allow that. I love a peanut sauce. I do like a peanut sauce. My mom once made it.
It was just peanut butter. It was just peanut butter. Just peanut butter. She just whipped it and put water in it? Dude, she's like, and I felt so bad because she was so excited to make it. Yeah. And she made it with like chicken and she was just like, put the peanut sauce on it. Peanut butter. Just peanut butter on chicken. Yeah. And I was so like, I couldn't, I didn't have it in me to tell my mom it sucked. Wow. But now I do. Guess what, mom? Guess what? Hey, sucked. One of these. Big bang, boom, bong, bong. Yeah. Anyway, I guess that's where we can end it there. That's where we can end it there.
That's how you said that. Frank, where can they find you? On New York One, right next to my co-anchor,
No, seriously. Pat Sajak. Pat Kiernan? Pat Kiernan, yeah. Well, you are, people call you the Pat Kiernan of podcasting, so wear that as a badge of honor. No one calls me that. FAlvers8085 on Twitter, the Frank Alvers on all other forms of social media, and then go check out Patreon, patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. Thank you so much for every single one of you people that have been, will be, are currently patrons. We're climbing up those rankings because of people like you. And don't forget, if you're a patron,
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