Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Welcome back to the base- Welcome back to the Basement Yard, I am Joe Santagato and I am here with my Spanish co-host, Mr. Frank Alvarez. How you doing? Oh, I thought I was fully prepared you were gonna say something stupid, inappropriate, quite frankly, possibly even disrespectful. To you? Yeah. Why? Not today, you're wearing mauve. This is purple.
Isn't that mauve? What is mauve? I don't, I hate that, dude. Mauve. Mauve. Your daughter's name. It sounds like fucking... Mauve. Yeah, Monica. It's like, mauve. Mauve. What is mauve? Mauve. Mauve. Yeah, it's usually purple. Is that? Yeah, it looks shit. Yeah, mauve. That's a little more purple-y. Like, this is a little more pinky. Yeah, that is a little pinky. This is a little pinky. A little pinky. You know, but what are you gonna do? Yeah. Joey before asked me, I got him food from downstairs, and he goes, give me two little pinkies.
I literally didn't say that. You said pink hot sauce. I said just get... Do a little pink one. I was like, oh, you said little. I said, give me two pink sauces. Do you little fucking flirtatious bitch? No, I said, give me two pink sauces. You're like, oh, put two pinks. Two pinky pink pinkies. And I was like, that's not what I said at all. You two pinkies? No. What? Two pinkies. I've never done that. You've never put your pinky in a person? You put your pinky in someone? Yeah, well, you know. Wait, why? This is weekly? Why did you do that? Well...
The shocker like everyone tries you wait hold on you pink in the stink you paint I'm just wait no oh Back up back up you're coming at me a little hot right now. I needed to cool your come down, but But you but two in the pink one in the stink, but the pink was in the stink right - Well, yeah pink - pink one sting one sting. So you got this in a stink you put it in a state I
Maybe I just, like, dabble around. I, like, you know, ran the stick across the fence, so to say. Maybe I didn't go all the way in. I'm not quite sure. It's news. I didn't know. You've never done that? I've never pink stinked. You never punk stunk. No. What? What?
I've never done that. I can't believe it. I did not punk stunk. Why not? Because I don't pink stink and I'll never punk stunk. I mean, if you... Not never, not never. I was going to say, if the person's into it and you say like, yo, let's do a little... You know, and then there's like, yo, punk me, stunk me. Yeah, at that point you have to, I feel like. Well, yeah. Is there like... What's like...
If you were to say right now, what's like- Can I just stop you for a second? Sure. Whatever you say, I hate it right now. Because whenever you do this, you start looking up in the air. I'm like, here we fucking go. Look ahead. What's like, what do you think if like, because you seem, at least from what you've shared with me, like you're not a big kink guy. But like, what do you think is the closest thing you got to a kink? Like, do you like to be smacked? Do you like to be like berated verbally? Like-
Parade of like... When you're having sex, it's just like you fucking little dick fucking asshole. No. Jesus Christ. No? I would not like that at all. No, I don't like being... I wish there was a hotline...
There is, dude. If you call like 1-800-TINY-COCK-BOY, then they'll call and they'll pick up. Tiny cock is too many. There's too many numbers there. Too many letters. 1-800-LIL-COCK. L-I-L-Cock. Bitch boy. Now we have to check if that's a real thing. Is Lil Cock enough numbers? Yeah. It's 47. 1-800-LIL-Cock. 1-800-L-I-L-C-O-C-K. Here we go. Here we go. Oh my God, it's ringing.
Oh, it's someone's fax machine. We were so close, dude. 1-800. So for all you guys out there, 1-800-LIL-COCK sounds available, dude. Yeah, you could get it. It's just a fax number. You could take it. Yeah, yeah, it's fine. You know, but welcome back.
How you doing? I like that sweater. I gotta say, that's a really nice color. Thanks. I actually got like a stain on it. Oh, don't you hate that? It's a perfect circular stain. What kind of, what stain is it? I think it's oil. Oh, it's done. Because it doesn't come out. I remember when I was a kid, if I'd get like an oil stain or something on one of my shirts, I'd be like, why don't I just dip this whole shirt in oil? And then everything is oil stained. That's not a bad idea. Right? Wait.
That might be brilliant. That's what I'm saying. That's a lot of oil. Where are you getting all that oil? This happened from probably a slice of pizza. I mean, there are some oils that are not that expensive. Yes, you can get higher quality, you know, olive oils and stuff. But if you get like a fucking... Crisco? Yeah, Crisco. What's that called? Well, Crisco is like shortening. But like, yeah, you can get like a vegetable oil or a canola oil. And you just dump it in and you soak your...
Just don't put it in a bowl, babe. Yeah, but how do you clean that? It's too much oil. Well, I mean, it's going to take a while to clean. Yeah, absolutely. But you just like hang it up, let it ring out, you know, kind of drip out. Drip out? What kind of apartment do you think that I have that I'm letting oil drip all over somewhere? You have a tub. You think I'm going to let vegetable oil just drain out of a sweater? Why? Why not? Dumb. Why?
Oh, I'm so sorry. I apologize. This is the guy that used to openly let his dog take fucking dumps on his patio. First of all. Forgive me. My bad for thinking you might do something that is creative and fun and a little different. Oh, yeah. Real creative and fun. And by the way, don't because I already had a thing yesterday. Two. Charlie dumped in your place. He didn't dump in my place. And also, I wasn't letting him shit on the patio. I only let him shit on the patio when it was snowing out.
So, so I, hold on. You just said, I didn't let him shit on the patio. I only let him. Yeah. He shit on the patio when it was snowing out so that I could ball it up. Yeah. Tell me about, how did you clean up that poop that was on your patio? Picking up what a dog bag. Did you? Yeah. Did you? Yeah. Did you? Yes. You sure? Yes. Cause I very clearly remember it like just, just getting like beaten by the rain and getting, going down the drain. Well,
These guys rhyming over here. Next time I'll try to refrain. Sometimes it... But these words, they come into my brain. No, that's enough. No, no, no, no. Okay. No, but sometimes he would shit like in a hole or something and I wouldn't find it. So I'd be like, all right. And then the snow would melt and then eventually... Joey, it was a patio, not fucking no man's land. Like there wasn't bunkers on it. I'm just... But if you're a dog and you're walking around, you're creating these little holes. I'm not...
A hole? Oh, in the snow. In the snow. Oh, I was like, what fucking... I mean, I would assume you'd see the steam arising from the fucking hole and you'd be able to find it. It's not that. Just be honest with yourself and the people that are watching. Anyway, the reason why, like, you know, you're actually like, it's funny that you bring that up because last night I went out to dinner and when I got home... I was gone two and a half hours. Where'd you go? Huh? Where'd you go to dinner? A place near me. What'd you get?
What did I get? I got a, oh, a braised short rib. Bitch, let's go. I fuck on that. Too far away, yeah. Love that. Really good. But I get home, and then I walk, and the dog is always right there. So he's like jumping all over me. I'm like, hi, what's up? Yeah, yeah, I get it. And then I walk into the kitchen, and I like put my jacket down, and I turn around. He pissed all over the coffee table. It was just... Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah.
As if he like was standing on top of the coffee table and urinated. Bro, that's a fucking message. Message sent, received loud and clear. This dog hates you now. Yeah, I mean, I live on a high floor. My windows don't open very, you know, far. Don't open that much. But if they did, there was a chance. Fucking way to go. Yeah. Being a fucking big, big. Oh, I just, I live on a high floor. I run five miles, you know, in five minutes, you know, whatever. Doesn't happen. Yeah, well.
But anyway, my dog, can you have some sympathy here? My dog pissed all over my goddamn fucking. What was on the coffee table? Did you lose anything? There was two books that like he missed one of them. It didn't really. So like in a guy. Wait, was he like spraying pee or was it a puddle? Oh, full puddle. This was like a fucking Godzilla. Did it stay on the did it stay on the table or did it run it over? A little bit did.
Onto the carpet? Yeah You tossed the carpet, right? No, no, no I have a spray and wash So I sprayed the fuck out of it And then this morning Before I left I did the same thing For those of you guys that don't I tell you this right now If I come home And he pissed on it again Dead dog new carpet Yeah, I was gonna say That's how you put a fucking You know, boom A slug to the back of his head A slug What are you, an old timey guy With a fucking Tommy gun? Shut up I'll put a slug on ya So Wait, did you not bring him out Before you left for dinner?
That's where I went wrong. So I did so yeah, so you're that you're to blame for your PP cable We have a what PP table we have a schedule we have like a thing that we do and would you you being at dinner for the two hours two and a Half hours that you were out did that interrupt his PP schedule? No, because there's been times like recently also Where I take him out in the morning and whatever he goes to the bathroom and then that day it was like a wild storm like a
Sideways hail Fucking whatever That day It was horrible So I was like No shot And also he doesn't like Going out And like when it's like Raining or whatever He just like won't go So I was like We're not gonna go So he didn't piss Until the next day So you let this poor dog
Hold on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You let this poor dog go 36 hours without relieving himself. No moron. Are you following? Honestly, no, I didn't listen to you. Clearly you stupid bitch. I was preparing my response. Yeah, I know. Say it again. You just, you don't listen to me talk. You just wait for your turn to talk. That's not true all the time.
Sometimes. Sometimes on the show it is. No, that happened at some point last week. But yesterday I took him out in the morning regularly. And then I usually take him out around like 8, 9. So I was leaving around like 6.30. So I was like, I'm just going to walk him when I get back because I'll be back soon. Big Godzilla piss all over the table. And a little bit on the rug.
And I just bought a new rug. Oh, is it a nice rug? Is it shaggy? It's not. No, but it's like white. Oh, so now it's not. It's not like white. It's more like crimp.
I always think of that SNL thing where Will Ferrell was like dissing your dog's home videos. And he's like, hey Sparky, I really appreciate your help with the new off-white couch. Dude, literally. That's basically, now here's the real question. ASPCA or PETA, turn this off. ASPCA. Did you like verbally abuse your dog? No. Yeah? No? Yeah? I go, what is this? And he just sits.
And he just looks at me like this. Yeah, he knew what he did. I go, what is that? Like he's going to talk to me. What if he goes, piss, you motherfucker. Piss. Next time it's going to be a shit, bitch.
But I literally, I put a finger in his face and I go, what is that? What is that? Bad. Right in his face. Bro, I would cry. I've seen you do it, but it is the hardest thing in the world to remain serious when you're trying to be dog dad Joe. Because you have, and you just did it there too, and I don't know if you hear it, but like you have a bit of like a playful, like playful voice with him. You do like this thing like, oh, Barley, Charlie. And you have like,
A bit of that when you reprimand him, you're like, "Hey! Sir! What is this?" Yeah. And it's like, how do I take that seriously? I don't know. What do you want me to do? You want me to fucking, like... Just be like, "Yo! What the hell, man?" Just, like, be on it. Like, that's something that I have had to do with, like, the kids. What the mother fuck? Like, I... Like, when I talk with Ruby sometimes, I, like, do, like, you know, fun parent-y's dad talk with her, you know what I mean? I'm just like, "Oh, Ruby." Like, you know, like, being cute. 'Cause I'm a cute guy.
But like there have been times where I've had to like reprimand her and I keep that voice. So like something happened to be like I'd be like Ruby you'll go get in trouble and Becca's like that's so confusing. She's talking to a clown dude. Becca's like say it serious. Like if you're gonna do it commit to it. Ruby. Yeah. And she's like fuck you. Basically. Yeah. Bro the other day I was crying laughing.
I get home from here, from recording. I was going to say work. You get home from a long day at the office. I get home from a long day at the office. Really hard work. And Becca just comes. I don't know if she showered when I got home or if she showered right before I got home. And we're sitting on the couch. And Ruby starts hysterically crying.
Just out of nowhere bro. Maybe he's asleep. I think miles was just like playing video games or something Hysterically crying and we're like Ruby what's wrong and she's sitting so we got a new couch She's sitting on the other side of the couch. So like at least eight or ten feet away. Mm-hmm She starts hysterically crying. We're like Ruby what's wrong? And she points to Becca she goes mommy butt stinks, bro Bro, we she's in her ass. Yeah, we lost it and Becca's like
I know I don't. And I was like, I'm sitting right next to you. I know you don't stink. But like the fact that this fucking kid, and for those of you guys that don't have kids, they humble you in the fucking strangest ways. She's crying? Bro, like crying as if she just like fucking like fell and bumped her head. Just like, and she's going like this. She's like putting her, like going like this, like messing with her nose. And we're like, what's wrong? She goes, mommy, mommy butt stink. And we're like, what?
Couldn't- Damn dude sold her out! Brood com- dude completely- You just called me "Grood"? I called you "Brood" like you're fucking Gangrel.
Yeah dude. Dude just completely threw her under the bus. That's incredible. Mom your butt stinks. It's like what? No it doesn't. Smell my ass. Becca you know Becca's like no one wants to be told their butt stinks. And especially kids. Did she just hop right back in the shower? No she was like my butt doesn't I was like I know your butt doesn't stink I'm sitting right next to you. Did you sniff her butt? I didn't sniff her butt. I would have had to known. I mean I could smell. I have a pretty good nose. Look at this thing. You think this thing can't smell from fucking 8 kilometers away? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. So what was that about? Like what the. No. She stopped like two minutes later and was like happy and like hanging out. That was so strange. So amazing. It was so, so, so strange. But that's what happened is like Charlie wanted to like prove a point. Like, oh, yeah, you're going to dinner. Watch this. And he just fucking cock out and just peed all over stuff. Yeah. His dick's always out, though. He's a dog. So.
But yeah, it's like little like it's in its kennel. That's true. It's got a little sheath or whatever the hell. It's exactly what it is. Yeah. He unsheathes his cock. Bro, you remember Chase's dick? That shit was crazy. Wild that you asked that question. But you know, you know what I'm talking about? It was red. And I think it was purple though. I think it was the reason it looked more red. It was because he was white and gray. Yeah. So like when you saw contrast, dude, the contrast of like, dude, I had a little 28 pound dog.
That we just put down not so long ago That shit had a
Big old dick on him. His dick looked like my, like it looked like a, like a person's dick. I wouldn't say big old dick. I would say. Bro, for his size per capita, it's a fat cock. I would say it was too big. Like, what are you going to do with all that? You don't need all that cock, you know? I don't know, but he used to fold up his dog bed and rail it. Isn't that crazy? That dogs do that, bro. My dog, Charlie doesn't hump. Because he takes after you. They say dogs take after the personalities of their owners. What does that mean? You're not a good humper, brother. That's not about being a brother. Shut the fuck up.
It's not about that. And he sees you hump. That's how fucking shitty your cock game is, bro. This dog sees Joey fucking hump, and he's like, doesn't like, you know what? I'm going to do that. No. Your fucking stroke game is like fucking Shaquille O'Neal on the back nine. It's awful. On the back nine? Yeah. What does that even mean? I honestly don't know. I've heard that term. That's a golf term, you moron. Well, stroke. Stroke. Yeah.
He plays basketball, though. I know. That's my point, is that he's probably not a great golf player. Who knows? I would like to see golf swing. Hello? Sweet. I would love to see Shaq swing a golf club. Have you ever seen Charles Barkley? He, like, stutters. He looks like a fucking moron. He's like... Yeah. He, like, goes through. Surprised he hits the ball, honestly. Hey, man. I mean, what are you gonna do? Whatever works. Okay. Listen, a big story that...
came out a couple weeks ago and we actually haven't spoken about yet. Yeah. Was in our backyard, in your backyard. Literally in my backyard. Literally. Under the, yeah. Under my house. Under your backyard. Right. Where the,
discovery of like Jewish tunnels across Brooklyn. Yeah. Now listen, let's preface this conversation with this. We don't know what's going on in the tunnels. We don't know what's going on. We are very aware that, you know, we respect the Jewish faith. We respect all faiths. Yeah. No, we do. We do. Why are you doing that? I was thinking like Christianity, but no, I respect everybody. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah. You know, you respect all faiths. So we're not going to sit here and allow the operations of some to dictate what happened. You know, change our view on the whole. But we also don't know what's going on. We don't know. I don't know. Tunnels are shady. Tunnels are crazy. Tunnels are sus. And anyone going through a tunnel is hysterical? Yes.
How do you not expect us to talk about this in some capacity? Yeah, of course. I mean, there's Jewish people in underground tunnels. Like, what are we talking about? Yeah. Also, can I just say something before we get into, like, what could have... Like...
We don't know what the hell was going on in those tunnels, but what I do want to talk about is the fact- We're not going to pontificate. Yeah, whatever that means. But I do want to say that I do like tunnels. Bro, you know how cool- Why are tunnels illegal, though? Well, because I think they can fuck with the infrastructure and the security and the stability of buildings and shit if there's just a hollow fucking tunnel underneath. I guess that's true. Also, you can't have access to the city pipes.
You know what I mean? Well, what's going on in there, bro? I don't know. I could turn them off. Like, and then like, you can't just go underground and turn off pipes, Joey. I don't fucking know. I haven't been underground. I'm sure there are valves. Exactly. Valve. But like, it's not going to affect the whole city. Like you're not going to turn something off. And someone in like the upper Bronx is like, what the fuck? Yeah. I do think that though. But you're wrong.
Okay. But, yeah, I mean, but I do think tunnels are cool. Like, I would like to be in a tunnel. Tunnels are pretty sick. I haven't been in a tunnel in, I don't even know how long, to be honest with you. Dude, why don't they make, like, adult playgrounds? Like, I'm not talking about, like, kid playgrounds. Like, you know, like, go to McDonald's, the McDonald's.
Donald used to have like play places and you know Burger King used to have fucking sick play places slide into the ball pit you leave with a fever it's amazing time best place in the world you know and someone just wrote like just like something wild about like Hispanics and they're like top
Crazy, but make adult ones. Right. So what is an adult like? Just bigger. Like I shouldn't have to get on my hands and knees to go through these cool tunnels and like make them like adult size slides. Bro, if I go down like a spiral slide, I'm not even kidding. I get stuck. I'm too big. Really? Yeah. Because it's too sharp of a turn. I'll tell you something about the fucking slides out there in the world. When the sun hits them, cooks them, heats them up. I've slid down a slide once.
In my 20s, when the sun was out, and I was like, my asshole is raw. Yeah. It is beet red. I will say that they're a little bit better now. Like, when we were kids, they were metal.
Like, a lot of the ones now are, like, a plastic polymer or some shit, you know, where, like, they don't heat up nearly as bad as fucking a literal mirror. Yeah. You know? Those things are fucked up. But, yeah, I don't know if you're going to have, if you're going to, you know, get people on board with the adult playground. Hear me out. Hear me out. There's a playground at the end of your street. You were telling me you would just go and just run through, like, little tunnels and... I'm saying if there was an indoor playground where you can, like, have a couple beers...
and then go down a fucking spiralized slide. You know? What is with the spiral? Why do people love spiral staircases also? They're cool. I've had one there, all right. But they're not. They're not, though. It's just weird because you don't realize you're not moving at all. Like, you're just walking like this. Yeah, I don't, like, to me, that's, like, dumb. I'll be honest. My love for spiral staircases began with Casper.
Casper. Casper. You remember that movie? I do remember the movie. And then like they had the thing where like the stair, like the treads like drop and it becomes like a slide. Yeah, but they're in like a little cart, aren't they? Yeah, it's still cool though. Yeah, that's fire. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, if you're in a cart, like in a little go-kart, that's fire. Yeah, it is. Or like a roller coaster or whatever. You know what I'm saying? Like a mining cart. Like Harry Potter shit. Like Donkey Kong Country.
Okay, you don't know what I'm talking about. I do I don't I just don't need more examples, but Spiral staircases though are just kind of like I don't know people like get mad horny for them, and I'm just like I mean It's pretty cool. You don't realize how much space a staircase takes up Yeah, because think about it a staircase has to go like that so you lose the space here the space here the space underneath Spiral staircase just goes up. I guess no I'm more into poles like poles as a way to transport a well transport a
Did you just say "transportate"? What's wrong with you? We got shows coming up. You can't be saying shit like that. Figure it out. What did I mean to say? Transport. You had it in the word. But if I'm like, if I'm doing the moving. You're transporting. Yeah. Yeah. Or you're being transported. Or as a means of transportation, I guess I should have said. Yeah, that's why I like polls. I like that.
But like you can't get up a pole. No, imagine coming home. You can't get up a pole. That's true. Imagine coming home drunk one night and you have to get up a fireman's pole. Come on. Have you slid down a pole? A fireman's pole? Not like a big old fat one. I slid down an actual fireman's pole. Really? Why would they do that? Why would? Just put stairs in there, brothers. It's quicker. I don't know. Just a wild thing to commit to. Yeah. You know, just like we don't need there. You're already doing a cool job. When my dad was a fireman, he said that. Did your dad slide down the pole?
Of course, he was a fireman for many years. So he did a lot of sliding. He'd be like a fucking wrecking ball going down that pole now. But yeah, I was able to slide down it. It was a lot of fun. Did they have a Dalmatian? They did not. Bullshit. Well, it's not a comic book. It's real life, Frank. You know, do they have a dog? No. I don't know. Bullshit. I don't know. But what they did do is they played a prank on this guy and they were like, I bet you this guy could pull you up.
The fireman pole like area with one arm like I bet you could do with one arm the guy's like no fucking way So they tied a rope around his waist And they had the other guy they had like five guys up there and they pulled them up halfway and they just tied them off And then just threw shit They just like threw shit out of love a good prank dude the fireman like my those stories that my dad used to tell me They used to prank each other all the time You think there were any firemen in there that were like sucking and fucking each other? Maybe not your dad. There was a
There was a story that came out that like a whole firehouse was like doing that or something. Dude, that's how you build camaraderie, you know? Like you go out there, you're not gonna let someone, you know, you're not gonna let someone die that's fucking giving you the best top of your life. You know what I'm saying? It's like, no, we can't let you die. You suck a good dick, brother. Get back in there. Jeremy's still in there. Your hand jobs are too good. He told me this story one time too that like,
There was this guy, I guess he was like a fat guy or like something like that. Commit, commit. Say he's fat. No, I think, like I think there was something about him being like gross or like sweaty or something like that. And they like tied this one guy to a chair and put him like on the sidewalk and then had his, the other guy's underwear, like the gross guy's underwear on a fishing pole. Oh my God. And they just would, they were like on top of the building just slapping him in the face. I was like,
What the fuck goes on? Like when there's no fires, I guess that fucking... That's the thing that people don't realize when there's nothing to go out for. They're just sitting there just fucking being dudes and ladies. You do 48 hour shifts. That's it. That's wild. Can you imagine? Can you imagine working? I can. Yeah. You can, can't you? You do have some sponsors for today. Oh, okay. You can, can you? Can you? Can you? Yeah.
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That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash basement to get 25% off your subscription or to try the app for free. So good luck, folks, on your fitness journeys. Yeah, so I also need to tell them something, if you don't mind, real quick. I'm going to tell you right now.
I got you. Tricked you. Pranked you. Got you. Got you. Patreon, folks. Patreon, babes. Come on. Do I need to keep repeating myself? Every single week I tell you about it. Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard is the best way to support us. Why? Because we are men that need constant validation. And if you do not support us, then...
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What the fuck is going on dude? Just like... It's insane. Shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up. What the fuck is he saying? I don't believe in God. What are you talking about dude? What the fuck? I don't know what I believe in.
Oh, man. Do you think you're going to get religious on your deathbed? I hope not. Why not? Actually, I don't know. Probably. Because I'll be a little bitch and I'll just be like, you know what? After all those jokes, I'm good now, brother. Come on. I'm on my way, dude. Maybe. Yeah. But go to thebaseofenero.com. Check out the new website. Sign up for email alerts and you get notifications on live show announcements and all that. And listen, bye.
By the time this is coming out, if you're a patron, you have access to this before anybody else, and we're in the middle of our live shows. So Montclair, by the time you see this, donezo, gone. Who knows if it went well?
But New Haven and Boston, go check out thebasementyard.com slash submit. Submit your conversation pieces that you want us to talk about. It's a fun interactive show. Go check it out right now. All right, I'm done. I'm done. Yeah. We went from talking about the Jewish tunnels to talking about your dad dangling shitty diapers in guys' faces and stuff. Yeah, I forget why we got off of that. I think the funniest thing that came out of it was the guy who was tweeting weeks in advance. There's Yiddish...
Being spoken under my apartment. He's like, I'm hearing Yiddish under my floor. I'm on the ground floor. There is no basement. Underneath me, people are speaking Yiddish. That would freak me out. Bro, any language, forget Yiddish, but the fact that Yiddish is tied to a pretty prominent religion would freak me out even more. Yeah, because I'd be like, am I being haunted by Hebrew ghosts? What is going on here? Exactly. That would be terrifying. It would. Any sort of ghost would really do me in.
You ever had any like supernatural experiences or... We've talked about this briefly. Not really. You know, I not like there were times where I saw something. I was like, what the? You know? Yeah. But not like every now and then on my TikTok for you page, like it'll pop up like scary paranormal sites and it'll have that like scary sound effect where it's like...
You know what I'm talking about? I don't like that. It is a little freaky. I don't like when people are walking in the woods with their flash on and shit. Bro, don't walk in the woods. There's a TikTok account where a guy just walks to abandoned places in the middle of an open field. And it's like an abandoned schoolhouse. And it's like, don't, dude. Just don't do that. There could be ghouls. What are your favorite TikTok sounds? I really like the one where it's like, yo.
Raise the colors. Yeah, because it's always about like a scary underwater thing. It's like the ocean. It's like the waves are just crashing onto this boat, which by the way, fucking terrifying. Listen, thalassophobia, I believe it's what it's called. It's like fear of like the open water or something like that. Fuck that. Listen, right now, brothers.
Frank, we're up to four brothers, by the way, in this episode, and I'm about sick of it, all right? I'm doing it. What do you mean? We're four brothers. I'm talking, bro. Four brothers. That was a good movie. That was a pretty good movie, yeah. R.I.P. Yeah, to who? Go watch the movie again. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm going to give it away for the people here. Yeah. But, you know. Sad scene, sad scene. Yeah, it was a good movie. Good movie, good movie, good movie.
Yeah, dude, where it's like, oh, are you scared of the ocean? And it's like, someone, I saw one. You ever see those videos where they're on big ass fucking ships and they have to like use like a sledgehammer to like knock a fucking, uh, an anchor, like a giant anchor into the water? That's cool though. I saw one where they strapped a GoPro to the anchor. No. Let me tell you, the most no. Why? Was there a bunch of shocks? Just, just, just, just like, you don't know. You know what I mean? It gets down there and then it's just like.
You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just looking around and there's just nothing, but there's something. I'd be actually scared to, like, I think that would actually scare me to, like, have a camera in the water and, like, see shit. Yeah, I wouldn't go in. Because imagine you see, like, a mermaid. Are we talking, like, scary looking, like, actual sirens? I'm not talking about Ariel, like, some fucking fire bitch. Yeah, if Ariel rolls by and she's, like, of age, and then, like, people would be like...
That's totally different, but seeing one with devil teeth and shit. Yeah, bro. Like the ones in fucking Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Ew, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, ew. Oh, I don't like that. Yo, his hair in that movie is so fucking stupid. Yeah, it's very big. It looks like a bird's nest. Bro, I saw something. It was like everyone's celebrating that fucking they won, and then Cedric Diggory's dad's like, Bye-bye! Yeah.
My son! God, I want to watch those movies again so fucking bad. I just watched them recently, I think. Don't care. You know what TikTok's sound I really, really like? Where it'll be like, only 90s kids will remember these snacks. And it's like... You've lost me. I don't know what you're doing.
It sounds like an old video game synth-y sound. Okay. And it'll be like a picture of the shark bite gummies. You know what I'm talking about? Ooh, those were good. They were really, really good. I like those. Let me ask you a question. You know those gummy Coca-Cola things? You like those? No. Me neither. I don't think I've ever had them within the last... You've never eaten them? I think I've had them when the kid that got bullied in elementary school put them in the goodie bag to give away.
The worst ones? What are you talking about? What goodie bag? You've left out so much context in that whole statement. Like for their birthday. What do you mean? Oh, yeah. For their birthday, it'd be like, oh, it's fucking Timmy's birthday. And everyone's just like, okay, Timmy. And they give you a goodie bag and it's just the worst stuff in it. It's like a slinky that just breaks as soon as you pull it apart. Wow, slinkies. But yeah, the worst ones are you ever see the wax...
Soda bottles. I don't get it. Is it candy? It's like a liquid in it It's just sugar in it and you like bite the top off and drink the sugar. I didn't even know that I thought that you just ate it I would eat it dude circus peanuts wax Anything for gummys? Yeah, throw them out dude. Also the dots that come on the paper. They're not good. Oh
I haven't had them in a long time, but I remember liking them quite a bit. But it's like, it's like, it's like dumb though. It's like, it's just weird because you put a, just a fucking roll of paper to your face like this and you pick off dots with your mouth. Yeah. I don't like them. I don't like it. Yeah. I'm also like drooling all over paper when I'm eating this fucking thing. Yeah. And then bro, I remember, well, we, we,
We really were like, we had an embarrassment of riches with like snacks and shit like that. Well, I was robbing these stores for those too, so. Oh, I mean, I'm just saying like what was available, not like what we were paying for. Oh yeah. Which was not a lot. Yeah, no. No, no, no. I would pay for the slushy and then I would take the rest of the candy. Yeah, it was like, oh, can you make me a slushy with every single flavor? And then while he was back there, it was just, you know. I'll take all this gum now.
Man, the good old days. We should rob something soon. No, we shouldn't. No, we definitely shouldn't. It would be fun. You go do it. I'm out here. It's such a rush. I'm out here fucking stealing my wife's heart every day. Robbing that bitch. Oh, that's nice to cap that off with calling her a fucking bitch.
Good for you. She wasn't. Who? What? Just like you. Not my wife. Oh, our fans are bitches. Oh, okay. Now, you guys... All right, okay. Okay. Take it the fuck easy. Dumbass. Okay, so also I want to talk about the fact that something happened. This was a while ago at this point, but I still want to bring it up. But people were on a flight to God... Who cares? And the exit door just ripped off. I saw that. And then...
The thing that freaked me out more than anything is that there was footage of the door just being off this plane. And the plane going. Well, that's the first thing is like, I thought if that happened, everyone's just getting sucked out of the hole. But that can't be true. It can't be, dude. Because like that wasn't happening. One and two, when people go skydiving, like the doors open and they're not getting sucked out. Well, the difference is because airplanes are pressurized. How do you think people skydive?
In non-pressurized planes, Joey. Why not? They just go up. They're not going 30,000 feet like a normal plane. No? They're going like 15 maybe, bro. Yeah, yeah. I know they don't go that high. Yeah, and the airplanes are pressurized so people can breathe and there's temperature control and stuff. Oh, so... When they're in a fucking skydiving plane and they open that hatch... Yeah. It's like Wind City in there. Yeah. It's fucking crazy, brother. I've been into...
It's crazy brother. I've been indoor skydiving very difficult. I would love to go bro. Did you? I know you're talking about it was a woman who didn't have control of her legs and she went indoor skydiving her legs rolled over the place But kudos to her for being like paralyzed and being like I'm going indoor skydiving. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, man, never let Never let it hold you back. I'm all about that. Yeah, me too. But but but funny video though. Yeah, maybe tie them together at least
Maybe hog tie your legs if you're gonna... They were like, they were all over the place. They were like so wild. And she even said it like in passing in the video. She goes, there's my legs. They're going crazy. Yeah. Bro, if I was on a flight like that... Bro. Well, first of all, do you, when like you're not supposed to, do you, like anytime you get up and get down, like to the bathroom or something, do you always get buckled? Or do you only buckle like when it tells you to buckle? And also, that buckle, not saving me.
That thing is here. I could slip out of that son of a bitch. Yeah. If it was a fucking like, you know, like. They're not going to strap you in like that. Who are you? They're not going to strap you in like it's a roller coaster, dude. I mean, if there's ever a time, that would be the fucking time on a plane when you're flying 500 feet, you know, 500 miles per hour through the air. Well, you don't really need it to be like that secure, I guess. Yeah, I think it's because it's pressurized.
Bro, did I ever tell you about the time we were on our way, the first time we went to Miami together? The only time we went to Miami together. Second, first. On the way back, I saw the pressurized mist. What are you talking about? You saw mist on the plane? Yes, but it was like the air, but because it was pressurized in there, it looked like it was fog falling down. And I was like, oh my God, this is it.
Where they're poisoning you? I was like, this is how we die. Yeah. Really? I was like, either they're poisoning us or like we're going down, you know, like some like, like, cause I think it was around the time that like the Malaysian flight just went missing. Oh. So I was like, this is terrifying. Yeah, dude. You know, I don't really like any of that shit. I forgot who it was, but someone told me once that they were on a flight where the masks dropped. If that happens, I'm going to pass out in time.
Yeah, those maps. Even if we're safe. I love how they're just like, in the event of an emergency, calmly put this thing over your face, put a bag behind it, pull the string. Also, do yours before you do your child's. No. What kind of advice is that? Zero percent. What kind of advice? I understand the idea of like, you won't be able to do your child's if you don't do yours first. But like, as my fucking poor kid is gasping for air, I'm like, you know, no way. Also, the interesting thing about that video, when the door ripped off,
No one... Everyone was just sitting there. I would literally be like, oh, no! Like, just freaking out. The... First of all, you better give me a free drink. Free drink. Dude, I'm so... I'm traumatically affected. Yes. Oh, yeah. That is affecting... I'm taking the whole airline down. Yeah. It's going to be called fucking Frank Delta. That's what it's going to be called after this. Yeah, exactly. Fralta. I would be... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And then, like...
Then you need to start then it turns into like the hunger games like hold on to yourself your loved ones But like if someone else is going you only got two hands. Yeah, I can i'm sorry i'm saying there was another that happened Like to another flight. I think it was in like singapore or something like that I don't know but the it was like someone was filming and the emergency door went out Also when you think about this, well, I think on this flight there was no one in the emergency row
The other one, there was people in the emergency row. So the wind is like wind. It's obviously like crazy. Yeah, bro. And you're sitting in a chair and the plane is open right there. Nah. It's not happening for me. I'm never getting on a plane ever again. Nah. Over land, I would be like, okay. Like I'd be fucking upset. Don't get me wrong. But like if this happened over the ocean. Oh, yeah. Holy. Because like.
Like then you look out and you see just nothingness, you know what I mean? Like that's way starting to freak ourselves out by the way getting away night at night at night get on a plane two weeks You're not gonna that's true. Yeah, you'll be safe. Yeah, I'll be fine But yeah, I'll be fine too. Yeah, I know it's weird with planes You always think it's gonna blow up or like I said, I need to bring myself mentally to a place of like understanding that
I've agreed to be here. What happens happens. I will do my best to prevent it. You ever thought of like, just like grab a big blanket and then just like kind of hold it and fall down and stuff like that? Yeah, except this is an Aladdin and this is real life and you'll just end up being dead. But like why? Realistically. I would give it a shot. Right? Like what do you have to lose? Like a last ditch effort. I'd be like, maybe if I just, just anyone got an umbrella, like a really strong umbrella? Can you imagine? Why hasn't anyone invented that? Like Mary Poppins umbrella.
I- I- you have to imagine it exists somewhere. By the way, Google that shit. An umbrella that you could just jump from high things. But like, I imagine it's not- like, it needs to be incredibly strong because it's holding your weight. Yeah. But like, why not? Like, think of like a parachute. Like, what if I just hold the strings? You know what I'm saying? Gonna need some pretty strong grip there, fella. What are you doing? No, what are you doing? It's just like this. Yeah. Unbreakable. That? This. Okay. Okay.
I'm pretty sure it's breakable. If I really hold them and hold them in my arms like this and I do one of these, I think I can hold a parachute. No? No, Frankie, no. Definitely no. We're going to get to the rest of these ads here. We have...
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I have a hair that is right here. In your nose? It's like, no, it's like from my stash and like curled up. Oh, and it's poking up? It's poking me. Pull it out. I'm not pulling out my lip hair. Why not? Because I'm scared. What are you scared of? Pulling out hair hurts. Well, come on. It's hair, brother. Dude, I can feel it. Honestly, give me an honest rating of brother. Do you like it? Oh my God. It's curled right into my shit. Just fucking. Oh, I fixed it.
I don't know. What? Honest rating of brother. You feeling it, yes or no? No. Are you, like, trying it out? You're trying to see if it's cool? I don't know, honestly. I don't know. I'm trying a couple different things out, but I'm not sure. Yeah. First of all, I just hiccuped, and you were hiccuping before. Yeah, Joey was making fun. I hiccuped, and he goes, you hiccup like Pinocchio. Yeah, because you're like, oh! And I was like, what the fuck is that, you cartoon? Like, what is that shit? I had a hiccup. Yeah. You know, what do you fucking, what do you want? Oh, I don't hiccup like you? Also, Frankie has this weird-ass way to try to not hiccup, where he's like...
Listen, I'm going to tell you right now. I'm going to give you... Becca taught me this, and it has worked every single time I've done it. I have a theory as well. Okay. What's yours going to be? You fucking turn upside down and you suck on a lemon? No, but it does require turning upside down. Okay. It doesn't work. Watch. It does, though. Breathe in through your nose. Give it a sec. Breathe in again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Exactly. Now hold for six seconds. Now slowly breathe it out of your mouth.
Well, you don't have hiccups right now. That's true. What am I doing? Yes. It's not going to work on you. No, mine is like this, right? Here comes Joey. He's like, you turn it upside down. You suck a fucking. No, you don't suck anything. You get a cup and you fill it with water, right? Like a normal amount. And then you bend over, right? I'm listening, but. Yeah, you bend over and then you drink out of the opposite end. You know you drink out of this end? Yeah. You drink out of this one.
I can't be trying some fucking Cirque du Soleil shit to drink water. You go like this. And you drink the water, and it's like, I don't even know what it does. It doesn't do anything, I guarantee it. Probably not. What are hiccups? It is a spasm of the diaphragm. Is that? Hope so. I believe that's what it is. I saw something one time that it was like, it's like evolutionarily, it has stayed with us when we were part fucking fish or some shit like that.
Could be wrong. Ah, we were fish with hiccups? Like, how are we able to like breathe in the womb?
There ain't no... I don't understand that either. There ain't no air in there. There ain't no air in there, dude. I don't understand that. And we have like nose plugs, right? Because they got to take the plugs out of their nose like the babies. Am I making that up? What fucking plugs are in your baby's noses? No, that's not a thing. I don't remember. I don't think so. Pay attention. I guess... But I mean, I'm not inspecting my baby's nose when they came out. What are you inspecting? There's a fucking baby that just came out. What else are you looking at? Well, they take... A fucking TV? Well,
You've been in the room when there were fucking children being born? No. My thought exactly. Shut the fuck up and listen to what I'm saying. I'm saying the nurse takes the baby and they do some stuff to it. Where? On like in the room, but it's like on like a little like table thing. You're not over there? They like weigh it officially. They measure it officially. They like to clean it up. They make sure there's no fucking meconium in their lungs and shit like that. What's meconium? Meconium is poop. Is it? Yes.
But what's meconium? How is it different? Meconium is like the first bowel movement of a baby's life. Oh my God. First poop to OG poop. Yeah. It's like black tar. That's what it looks like. Oh my God. Disgusting. It comes out looking like black tar. And they shit in their own throat. Well, no, sometimes there are babies that they, they have their first meconium in utero. Oh, they shit in the bag and they shit in the bag and they're just like chilling with shit.
Ew! That's bad. That's not good. I mean, but they just clean it out. It's okay. It's like, it has happened for hundreds of thousands of years. So like, we have evolved to not die from it immediately. So you're telling me that the babies in the wombs, one, they can breathe underwater. Yeah, they're fucking... They can survive a... They can survive living in their fishbowl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These things are incredible. Wild stuff. But then they're born and now they're easy to kill.
Well, I mean, I'm not thinking of them in terms of how difficult they are to kill. I'm saying like there's more things that can. Like now you can drown because you're out here. But in there, you ain't drowning. Yeah. I mean, they're... Out here, you eat your shit, you're dead. There are people that believe in a more, you know, holistic approach to childbirth where they're born in tubs. So they come from one...
Underwater submarine vessel into the world already like underwater again. Uh-huh and like they're just like oh, it's water still That's what you're supposed to do with fish when you like transfer tanks It's like you put like the bag in the water and you like open it in the water So it's like oh, I'm in the same water. You're not though. You know, they're all fishers stupid babies are I guess babies are kind of stupid Yeah, but yeah meconium they like clean they have to like clean their lungs out and you know stuff like that. Oh You know
It's kind of crazy that like, isn't it like, this is going to sound like stupid. It is. This is true. I'm very ready. Yeah. Isn't it insane that a tiny baby has like a tiny heart and little lungs and like ribs. Yeah. And it's like, there's all little bones. Well, so all their bones are not there yet. Well, like they don't have like knees and shit. Right. So I don't think they got knees yet. All their fingers, their fingers and toes are all fucked up. Like fat as their skull isn't closed. Oh my God. Their skulls disgust things.
Well, slow down. They are, though. Yeah, they are. They're pretty dry. I remember with both girls, I could see... Oh, okay.
Yeah, I could see. It was kind of cute. I could see the pulse through their soft spot. I saw, I think my nephew, I saw his head move and I was like, don't love that. Don't. Get it away from me. I don't love the alien head moving. Bro, babies are just little aliens. Oh my God. And then I love when people are just like, oh my God, they're beautiful. They're an hour old. They're not. They're literally just aliens right now. It's just like a wet rabbit. It is.
They're little wet rats That's what they are That's what it is And it's just like No And they're just like Sticky Well they get cleaned off So they're not like How do they clean them? They just like Shoot them with water or something? I honestly don't remember If they like wipe them down I think they give them Like a little bath
Okay. And they just like fucked them up a little bit, you know? They're just like... Do they slap their asses? I don't remember, honestly. I can't really remember if they smacked either of the girls' butts. Were you even there, dude? Because you don't know anything. Dude, you'll understand this. When you have children, there's so much going on that it's like...
It's like a fucking roller coaster. I understand that, but if someone held my baby and slapped its ass, I'm going to remember that. Honestly, if they did, I don't remember. I remember... What's the point of slapping the ass? To get them to cry, open up their lungs. Oh, to make sure that... Yeah, they say that when a baby is... The first two months of a baby's life, it's good that they scream and cry because they get it open. They're like, ah!
Yeah, so so you're so you're slapping your baby's ass making yeah, I'm just like I'm you know flicking around the year or something It's like really just get it like you got to work those vocal cords out dog Maybe that's what Maeve's doing in the middle of the night now. She's making sure that she uh, I promise you bro yesterday She's walking around and she's happy Like walking around living it up and she just looks at me and just goes And then just went about her day at fucking like 6 30 in the morning
Had no reason to scream had nothing going on. I'm pretty sure she's teething right now But like this kid is that she is it's funny like we're gonna grow up and we're gonna be like, you know miles when he was a little toddler He was so active and playful and you know inquisitive Ruby sits down and plays with dolls and like, you know really loves me legit
We'll turn around for a split second. She'll be standing on that table and she'll just, she'll like try to like dive off head first. And it's like, what the fuck is going on? I love it. These kids are psychopaths. I love when kids are just like fucking nuts. It's like, oh, maybe I could kill myself with that over there. I'm going to go do it. Yeah. Love it. Yeah. Crazy. But my, my, my niece and nephew like me now.
Good. Which is great. That's good. I mean, babies are weird. One of the best feelings ever. I walk into my mom's house the other day. Uncle Joey, Uncle Joey, Uncle Joey ran at me. I got on a knee and I hugged him and I was like, dude.
I felt it for a second. Now imagine when it's your kids doing it to you. I know. It's like, bro, it's like a legitimate drug. I don't think that you cry enough because I would be bursting into tears. You don't know how much I cry. You don't know my crying. You don't know when or where I cry. I would be bursting into tears. Gosh, darling. Bro, I read fucking The Giving Tree to Ruby one night. Ooh. Sobbed like a baby. Did you? Like a fucking baby, dude. Really? And not like a cute, sexy, like a...
You know like a This is Like a You know what I'm talking about Those cries where you're like Like you're like praying You don't die in the middle of it Yeah You know Like for some reason Your jaw just like Yeah Yeah Why? Because it was just like A beautiful book You read The Giving Tree? I haven't seen it I haven't in a while
If your niece or nephew nieces or nephews don't have someone chops down the tree if your nieces or nephews don't have the book go go Buy it. Okay get it for them because it is like it's a beautiful book. Oh my god. Shel Silverstein
Was that him? Yeah. I liked Shel Silverstein. Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. Is he a good guy? I don't even know. He had some, there's some stuff, I think. Someone beat their wives. One of those guys. I can't confirm nor deny if Mrs. Silverstein got beat. Hell of a book, though. Yeah. Guy was a poet. Great poet. Shel was a weird name, though. We can say that. I'm sure it wasn't his real name.
Is there like a Jewish name with Shel? He was a black man. What? You didn't know Shel Silverstein? I'm pretty sure Shel Silverstein was black. Really? Silverstein, I went immediately to Jewish. Oh. This is why I was confused because this is the picture that's in the book and like I can't tell. That is a very ambiguous looking person. Right? That's what I'm saying. It's hard to tell. That's Shel Silverstein? All right, he looks...
He looks not black in some of these pictures. But he's not Jewish. But he does... No, Silverstein... Are you back on my team? Honestly, I don't know where I am right now. Whatever he was, he was very talented. He could definitely write a poem. I'll say... And whatever he was, he is no longer because he is dead. Yeah, he's super dead. Yeah. Shel Silverstein. Are you not on Wikipedia right now? Oh, my God. This is not what I thought this person looked like at all. That's what I'm saying. Born in Chicago.
Oh, shit. During his rise to prominence in the 1950s, his illustrations were published in various newspapers and magazines, including the adult-oriented Playboy. He was in Playboy? Damn, well, his drawings were in Playboy. Dude, he's Jewish. Sheldon, we're idiots. I am dumb. Sheldon. I am dumb. Sheldon Allen Silverstein, born to a Jewish family in Chicago in 1930. Damn, this motherfucker was old. Died in Key West. Pretty good place to pass out.
1999 hell of a year almost made it to 2000 must have been pissed about that or no Maybe he thought the world was ending, you know, no, that was 2012 babe. No 19 in the 2000 people were y2k Joe Oh, he was 69. What are you 68? 60 was 68 though. Didn't even make this 69 his birthday is later in the year September. That's Wow. All right Well, listen, we love Shel Silverstein and that's the whole reason why we did this episode. There's stuff about him. We're torn
Can we separate the art from the artist? We don't know because we don't know what he did. Can we separate the poems from the poet? Yeah, exactly. You know? Is Shell or Sheldon is really the real question. That's right. But anyway, that is all for this week's episode. Frank, where can they find you? There you go. Go check it out. And the Patreon. Patreon.com.
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