#430 - Merry Christmas From The Basement Boys
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Welcome back to the b- Merry Christmas everyone, Malcolm- Oh god- No, no, no, no, no! Malcolm in the middle!

Merry Christmas, welcome back to the basement yard. Merrily, merrily through the snow Christmas bells are ringing. I don't know that song. What? What is that? I know over the river and through the woods to grandma's house we go. I don't think it's a Christmas song. I think it's just like a winter, cool, like winter song. Never heard of that song in my life. Really? Nope. Oh, sorry. Your fucking Christmas knowledge starts and stops at Mariah Carey. Maybe you fucking read a book.

I know Bing Crosby. I don't think, I don't know how those things work. Who do, who do, and Mikey Boobs. Mikey Boobs? Oh, the boobs? Yeah, dude. Dude. Love boobs. Guys in his era, just like, I don't know if you saw, he was on Barstool. I'm, I can't do it. I wish I could sing like him. I'm dreaming. No, that wasn't very good either. That sucked too. Mikey Boobs. Michael Buble. Don't, don't, don't. I didn't suck. I could sing better than you. Yeah, probably. Give me, give me a, give me a, I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. Well.

You know, you want me to sing it. What song were you singing? What's it called? Merrily, merrily, there's no Christmas bells are ringing. You said that's not a Christmas song? It is a Christmas song. You literally just said Christmas. I don't remember. I don't remember.

No, the over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go. Grandma got run over by a reindeer. That one's wild. Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Hey, hey, hey. Walking home from our house Christmas Eve. Is that the lyrics? You made your grandma walk home? You could say there's no such thing as Santa. But as for me and grandpa, we believe. That's crazy. Making your grandma walk home. Casual manslaughter while your grandmother walks home. And grandpa, like where was he? And he didn't leave with her?

Wait, that's not the lyrics. This it is, dude. Grandma got ran over by a reindeer walking home from our house or maybe driving home. But why would she get run over walking? I mean, driving. She can't get run over if she's driving. Grandma got run over by a reindeer lyrics. Maybe she was in one of those like wheelchairs like Stephen Hawking. Grandma got run over by a reindeer walking home from our house on Christmas Eve.

You can say there's no such thing as for me and Santa, we believe. So they made this old bitch walk home by herself. The grandpa stayed. He's like, I'm going to chill. Honestly, though, whatever, dude. I mean, she got to use those legs. You don't want some fucking, like, you know. How do you get run over by a reindeer? They're supposed to be flying. Yeah, they're in the sky. Where's your grandma? Is she putting lights up? What's going on? Yeah, she took a magic carpet there. Honestly, if she was on the roof, she kind of deserved to be hit. That's all I'm going to say. She's not walking home on the roof. Maybe she had to go, like, get something up there. Like, she forgot something up there.

Oh, yeah. Maybe she forgot part of the chimney. What are you talking about? Yeah. How did she get... That's a really good question. Walking home. It's Christmas and you're making your old bitch grandma walk home. Whatever. She's probably demented and you're making them walk home. Oh, that's why she got... You know how like...

Oh boy. You know how like old people go missing and they'll like, they'll find them like at a bus stop screaming at like a pigeon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like what if it was one of those? Like she, yeah, she was walking home from your house on Christmas Eve because she forgot her fucking focus factor medicine. You know what I'm saying? What is that? It was a medicine for dementia that my grandmother took. Oh, but she literally, she'd forget to take it.

Yeah, how do they figure that out? I don't know. And then she got like the pill box that would say the days. Yeah. But then she just like, instead of her brain being like, oh, okay. Then her brain just forgot the days. Of course. You know, so really. They're tough, you know. I pray for the day that I forget the days, you know. Oh, I don't. That's going to be sad, dude. You won't know. You're right. That's actually kind of cool. You know what's really cool? The pill things.

Dude, I'm not even kidding. I see them in the store and I'm like, I want that. I'm not even kidding. I kind of want one of those. Just to put... I don't even know. Just to put multivitamins in it. Or just like Tic Tacs or like a little candy. No, no, no, no. Something like a multivitamin. Because I can't tell you how many times I'll take a multivitamin and just be like, oh, fuck, did I take that? Like, I don't remember. The days, they... They blend together. They blend together. And it's hard. Well, the thing is that...

Our jobs are so taxing on our bodies. It is so hard. People don't realize how hard it is to be a podcaster. You guys, listen, let me key you in on our life. It's just like when I get home, I'm just like, oh. Those two days a week that we work are so long. Long hours. You try working four hours a day. That's what I'm saying. You try it. Yeah. You ever see that? There's some fucking like.

Boston like a hyper Boston like girl and like makeup influencer and she there's like a clip of her and she's like You think being an influence is not had I? Finished work at 5:20 today. All right, you try it and it's like pretty stats every day pretty standard But here's the difference between you and I is that I understand a hard day's work bitch. I had jobs. I

Oh. I was a little jealous of that job. I'm going to be honest. Really? Free pizza? Yeah. I was eating the barbecue slices like a bitch back then. You love beaten off fucking...

Fucking pizza slices. Nope. Off the beaten path. That's what I meant to say. Slices of... I mean, it's not that crazy. It's a barbecue chicken slice. Just eat pizza, dude. I eat pizza too. Just eat... No, no, no. Pizza. Sorry, I like to mix it up sometimes. You're not... But you're not eating pizza. You're just eating an open-faced sandwich. That's what you're eating. That's why I hate all this fucking, like... Give me Bart... Look, listen. I understand, like, chicken bacon ranch pizza. I understand buffalo... How the fuck...

Do you understand that? Listen, I understand Buffalo barbecue chicken pizza too, but just stop calling it pizza. It's not pizza.

It's just an open-faced sandwich. Would that make you better? Would you sleep better? Yeah, I would be less upset about it. Well, the world doesn't give you what you want all the time, so shut up and suck it up, bitch. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you. Merry Christmas, by the way. Can I ask you a serious question? No. Do you get yourself something for Christmas? Because I see you're touting that new Rolex that you haven't stopped wearing. I'm not taking this off of my body for what I paid for it. I don't blame you. I don't blame you. But serious, do you buy, like, do you do that, like, either for your birthday or Christmas? Like, I'm going to get myself a gift.

No, I'm actually like, uh, my family is usually like, uh, they won't let me buy anything like November, December. Cause they're like, if just don't get it exact same. Yeah. So like, don't buy anything. So like, cause if I say that I want something, I was like, Oh, I need like, you know, whatever.

Then it's like Alright don't fucking buy it So I You know Yeah exact same I But I did buy this Cause I I bought it Because I was like You know it's around Christmas And also Like the tour and stuff So I was like Which by the way Holy shit We didn't even fucking mention this Oh yeah Oh oh oh Oh the tour The tour The tour

The first three shows sold out in like 10 hours. Wild. Crazy. I'm not kidding. Pray to the Lord. Go to the Father, Son, and the Holy Jesus. Holy Jerry? Who'd you say? Jerry Seinfeld. Father, Son, and the Holy Jesus.

Wrong Frank. It's the Holy Spirit. That's right. It was on the tip of the tongue. Why is father in the head and the son is in the stomach? Because I think it's like meant to be like in his balls still. No, bro. You don't go father son down here. You don't son. You don't son it? Whoa, whoa, whoa. The father and

No, not for the Father. I hate the people. Is it to the Father, for the Father, to the Son? You're asking a person? From the Father to the Son and the Holy Spirit? No, in the name of the Father. I'm an idiot. I hate the people that do it so quick that they just look like they're like... Doing a circle? Yeah, they're just like...

The Greeks, they go crazy. They do like six in a row and you're like, bro, what is it? This looks like offensive sign language. Very, very weird. But whatever. But yeah, Merry Christmas, the tour. That's our gift to ourselves. Yeah. That's our gift to ourselves as we announce the three shows. Right. Gone. Yeah, that was crazy. And you remember when we went to see the venue because we can talk about it now. Yeah. I looked and I was like, dude, I don't think we could sell this out because it's big. It's a big place. It's big. 30,000 people. No, it's not. I don't know.

30,000 people? That would be insane. That would be nuts. But yeah, man, it's pretty crazy. And that's our Christmas gift to ourselves. What does that mean? What did we give to ourselves? We were gotten. We got gifts. Well, that little shit never hurt nobody, you know? Like, every time, like, whether it be Christmas or my birthday, I always say, like, you know what? This year, I'm going to get myself a gift. So what'd you get yourself this year? Here's the thing. Got it. By Christmas.

the time comes that I remember it's time where I'm ordered to stop buying stuff for myself. Got it. So I can't. So get something that you haven't told anyone. I don't, I don't know how to like, I'm a pretty open book. Like my hobbies are shut up about everything you want. Is that what you're saying? Fuck you. That's what I'm saying. What do you mean? I don't show I'm an open book people. It's easy to buy for me. All right. I like what I like and that's what I like, you know?

I like what I like, and that's what I like. That was very Popeye of me. It was very. But yeah, man, it's crazy. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. If you don't celebrate. It's a good holiday. It's a really good one, dude. I'm sorry. Listen. Hanukkah's cool, too. Hanukkah's pretty cool. Big fan of menorahs. I don't know much about Kwanzaa, but I am told it's pretty cool. And I do like the color scheme.

I do too, yeah. Of all the holidays during this time of the year, Kwanzaa has the best color scheme. For sure. I mean, Christmas is two colors. Shit sucks. Yeah, and Kwanzaa's two colors too. Hanukkah, you mean. Who did I say? Kwanzaa. Oh, Hanukkah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you see the video? Someone asked for a cameo from Smokey Robinson. Oh, Chinooka? Happy Chinooka. I don't know what Chinooka is. It's like, dude, come on. I mean, you're a full-grown adult.

Once you see like the spelling of something it could throw you off like the first time I saw the spelling of Yarmulke I was like, what is this? Yarmulke? A Yarmalook. I thought it was remember that comic strip that had like a dog? Marmaduke? Marmaduke! I was like, is this like, what is this? Like happy Marmaduke day? Yeah, I didn't know it was an actual thing. Chinooka, by the way, you ever play with a dreidel? No.

It's not bad. Mad fun? Mad fun's crazy, because it's just a little top. But like, I imagine back in the day... But it's a square top, kinda. It's square, but it's got a point on it. It's kinda cool. You ever play with a dreidel? We used to play with dreidels when I was in like third grade. They had them at lunch, and we would just spin them. I had tops, dude. Like, I had tops. I didn't have dreidels. You ever play with a fucking Beyblade? Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah. Dude, I put that son of a bitch on it, and I fucking let that shit rip.

You know, like I'm straight out of the cartoon. Yeah. Why weren't like Japanese toy and card and game shows so big when we were kids? Have you noticed that? I think it's become bigger now with like manga and like anime and stuff like that. But like, bro, I threw a fucking Yu-Gi-Oh card on the desk once like I was Yugi versus Pegasus. I used to go like this. I still kind of do that. And fucking ha ha ha. Yeah, yeah.

Ha ha ha! You have no idea who I'm going to summon now! In attack mode! You know? Yeah. And fucking throw down a Dark Magician. Yeah. That sounds like you. I know all the cards, dude. Are you impressed? I mean, I know a couple of Yu-Gi-Oh! monsters. Give me ten. Blue-Eyes White Dragon. Yes. Exodia. Exodia. Dark Magician. Yeah. Gate Guardian. Gate Guardian. Blue-Eyes White Dragon. You already said that. Did I? Yes. Fuck. Um...

Pot of Greed. Yes! Yeah! I remember that one. You're five in. There's Red-Eyes Black Dragon. Oh, well... There's Toon Dragon. That I don't know. You don't remember Pegasus had the Toon Pack? I loved Gate Guardian. Really? That's so weird. I actually don't know if I can name ten. There was Water Romotics. Who the fu... Yeah. That sounds like a... There was a Girl Magician. Oh. It was kind of fucked up they called her Girl Magician, though. Like, just...

Call it something like be a little more PC, you know? Why is that? I don't know. Sounds not right. Girl magician? Yeah, that's like calling, you know, like it would be like, oh, the man is a cop and the woman is a fucking BDSM lawmaker bitch. You know, like that's what people would say. Does anyone know what the fuck he's talking about? I have no idea what you mean by that. Never mind. Never mind. Yeah. You're not all there today. You had a rough morning. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah, this idiot fucking sitting over there.

My dog? Can I scream at him too? No, Frankie, don't you fucking dare. Can I? No. Hey, Charlie. Okay, don't you dare do it. Otherwise, I will come to your house and I will yell at your daughter for keeping me up at night like you do. Makes no sense. You've never been kept up at night by my daughter. And he's never bothered you. Charlie. Don't wake him up, he's sleeping. Alright, okay, alright. Plus, if he walks over... My dog last night, I am in my bed playing video games. Charlie's like... You...

It wasn't during the night. You little lying cock! Not a liar. You dirt whore. You wanna go through the text messages? I asked this fucking asshole to play with me last night. It wasn't night, the fucking sun goes down at 4:30. I got off at 7:00. I still don't believe it. That's true. I was playing with a Maddie, we got off at 7:00. Tell your fucking story! So anyway, we're playing and then I'm like, alright, I'm getting off. So I get off and I'm just sitting in my bed on the phone.

And I'm like, what is that? And I smell like the worst possible thing in the world. It's like, you ever take a permanent marker and put it in your nostril and just let her rip? Oh, watch this. Absolutely not. Because I'm not a fucking...

Meth addict, what's wrong with you? I- you've never been curious of what if markers smell like- Yeah, but I haven't shoved it up my nose, Joey. I'm not shoving it up, I'm being fucking joke. I'm being comedy, dude. You're being comedy joke? Yeah! Oh, alright, okay. So like you've smelled one though and it has that reaction where it kind of like stings a little? It burns, yeah. So it's like that almost, but it smells like two permanent markers dipped in a diarrhea. In one whole diarrhea. Oh, so he just got- did he- he shat in your room? He did not shit his pants, thankfully. He wears pants? He doesn't- no.

But he got it. So he gets up. I'm like, yo, Charlie, move. You fucking stink. And then I just see a thing. A thing of what? It's like his anal gland leaked. Yeah. Charlie anal gland it all over my fucking bed, dude. I want to cry. It was so disgusting. And I was like, don't fucking. So it was a pool of just leak. Yeah.

It was a leaky... A fucking butt leak? It was a leaky puddle of butt. So, like, when they say that, like, gay men get fucked in the butt so much that they leak... That's not what hap... No, that's not... No, that's different. These are dogs, Frank. They're not gay men. Dogs can be gay, dude. I've heard that they can be gay. But I had to make sure that it was what I think it was, so I had to get... I sniffed it. I almost threw up. I don't gag. Like, I don't... Well...

Okay. I actually have a horrible gag reflex. Nope. But like... He tested it. I can't brush my tongue. Go, go, go, go. Go two fingers down. We always have to test it. No, I'm not doing it. Go, go, go. No. Go. No. Are you going to clean up the vomit? Because I'm not. Charlie will eat it. He will. You know it. I know. Disgusting. But he anal glanced it all over my fucking bed.

And I was like, ew, disgusting, gross, icky. On your bed? Yeah. Oh, you can't sleep there for another year. Well, I took this fucking sheet off. And you threw them out. No, I didn't throw them out. I'm just going to... Yeah, yeah. Time out? Oh, you're calling in a reliever? No, it just sounds like... Oh. There is a dirty dish that gets a little bit of mold on it. Porcelain dish, non-porous. Yeah. And you toss it. Your dog full-on spray peas butt...

All over your sheets. And you're like, oh, whatever. Yeah. Hmm. You're seeing the inconsistencies here, right? Probably, yeah. Yeah, you're seeing how you're basically just a walking fucking idiot. Yeah. Okay. Just wanted to make sure we're on the same page. But I had to take him to the vet this morning. Not the vet. You take him to, like, the groomer. And they just, like, they got to, like, squeeze out whatever's in his anal. Oh, we fucking on the comedian told us about this. Emma Willman.

Oh, what? Anal glands? Yeah. Fucking, so you had your... Wait, what do you mean squeeze? I paid $27 to have my dog go to the groomer, the same groomer that he was just at not too long ago, and then they put him on a table and they shove their hand in his ass. No, no, no. And they squeeze his...

What glands, dude? There's ass glands? Anal glands. What glands? What's in there? It's in his anal cavity. I don't know. Dude, you're fucking... So, all right. So you pimped your fucking poor dog out for $27 to go get finger blasted? I didn't get $27. That would be pimping. I had to pay. Oh, so it was a gigolo then. Or a gigolette. Gigolette. What's a female gigolo? Jigglypuff. What's a female gigolo?

Prostitute. Prostitute hooker, yeah. Prostitute, that's it. That's it, all right. I like Jigalette. That sounds a little funnier to me. It does. So... It sounds, like, good. Like ice cream. And he was, like, cool with it? First of all, he wouldn't even get out of the fucking car because he's smart and he knew where we were. We pulled up and he was like... Yeah, because he knew you were going to get him fucking, you know, knuckled deep. He didn't know he was going to get fingered this morning. You were...

Clearly he didn't get out of the car for a reason, Joey. I think it traumatized him though because he wouldn't, he's very hesitant to leave my side. He's a little upset right now. Yeah, he's sleeping because he's like, I've had a long morning. He feels betrayed by you. I don't blame him. I had to help him, bro. Dude, you got him fucking, someone put three fingers in your dog's ass that gets paid minimum wage probably. No one knows how many fingers were in there. There's multiple people that know. I think it's two. You're not going to fit three. Too many.

Yeah, I mean... Too many. But otherwise it gets infected. And I like how you're saying it's too many. It can't fit three as if they're not going in there and fucking popping butt pimples in your dog's asshole. I actually don't know how they do it. Don't. Look it up. You have to look it up now. Don't look it up or look it up? No, you have to. Now you have to. How to express... This is wild because there's someone that's watching this on Christmas Day. Poof. No, no, no. It's not...

It's not a- WHOA DUDE! I just hit images! I hit images! I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. I imagine, I imagine- OH SHE'S IN THERE! Oh no, no, no, no. Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everyone. Oh my God. This is exactly... Oh come, oh ye faithful, joyful and triumphant. Oh come down to Bethlehem to... I'm not... I'm keeping eye contact directly with you. I'm not looking at it. That's what I assume it's like looking in the eyes of Medusa. I'll turn a stone if I see that. So I'll just read off what it says. Lift up the tail and take about an inch on each side of the anal opening...

An inch on each side? How big is your fucking dog? Take an inch. Yes. My dog's ass is smaller than this. Take an inch. That's about half average, right? Lift up the tail and take about an inch on each side of the anal opening. Use your index finger and thumb and pinch, squeeze the area on both sides of the anal opening. Gently compress the area until you see small amounts of liquid coming out. Dude. Yo, fuck. God. You may have to repeat...

This step once or twice. So you go in- wait, what? You're milking your dog! You're milking your dog's butthole, dude. Oh, so what you do is... Dude, this is wild. Merry Christmas. I hope no one's drinking eggnog right now. Oh, God. That just got my spit thick. What the fuck? You never heard that saying? No, because it's not. Yeah, it is. Sorry you're not in your fucking small world.

But yeah, so I guess you just kind of go up to it and you pop it like a pimple, essentially. Like you go over to his butt. Like let's say this is his butt, right? That's definitely not his butt. You couldn't do this? You couldn't. No, because I have to. No, you don't. So you have to get to the side of it and go like this. Unbelievable how you didn't go with the obvious choice. Just kind of go in there and just fucking. No, I don't think you go in. You definitely go in. Well, that guy was in for sure.

Bro, please. I just need you to look at this. No, look at me. No, no, no. Joey, I'm not breaking eye contact with you. I want one better. I'm not even going to look away from the camera. I have really good peripheral vision, so this is going to be somehow worse. No, no, no. This isn't what you think it is. It's a white woman. I don't want to see it. No, no, no. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. This is so funny, though. Frankie, come on. Please just look. We're doing the whole thing. Just look at this. It's like a YouTube thumbnail, and it's a woman going like this.

Holding her dog's tail his asshole right there. How you doing? Just like this Hey, like she's holding up a prize fish. I know this is gonna be a clip how to please make Joey the one whose face is near the dog asshole No, you can't put dogs assholes on Instagram and blur it out a little bit pixelated a little bit But Joey's full in dogs assholes, dude. So yeah, anyway, it was that's the worst morning I've ever heard of my big anal morning for sure

How big? Just for him, dude. Just for him. How big are we talking? It was an anal morning. Realistically. I wouldn't do anal in the morning. That's crazy. Can they do anal gland milking for boys? I don't think we have glands there. So why do they?

Dog human. I like what the fuck he hears us talking about and he's pissed dude. Yeah, blame him You took your dog to just be whored out you paid someone you're like those like weird fucking like I

that are just like on a vacation with their like 13-year-old son and they're like, I'll buy you a hooker. Come on. That's not what happens. That's exactly what happened. Also, what about you? You willingly walked into one of these places and let one of these old men finger you. It's true. First of all, what do you mean these places? You mean a doctor's office? Yeah, like a hospital. A doctor's office.

Don't equate me going and getting my prostate checked like a good fucking person to you dragging your dog out of a fucking high-end SUV into a place where he's gonna get his fucking inside smashed. It's for his own good, and it is medical. I didn't go in there trying to make him fucking orgasm. Just get the glands removed, dude. Frankie, are you...

You have the dumbest solution sometimes. Are they like, are they not like tonsils? No! I'm asking! So why are you saying it like it's fact though? I said get them removed. Yeah, you said get them removed. Not can you get them removed? You just made it seem like, oh, he's got a problem with his ass? Cut his ass off then. No more problem. You could do that. You could sew it up and get a colostomy bag for him. I'm sure they make doggy colostomy bags. Yeah, and that would be cool. Now I'm changing shit bags.

Way better than your dog fucking leaking asshole juice all over your bed. And I fixed the problem this morning. Dumbass. Yeah, until next time, chief. Then we gotta go back. Another $27 down the drain. This dog is... How often do you get it done? That's the second time in his life. So you've had him for what, five years? Seven. Seven years? That's a lot of money, dude. 50 bucks. Probably 50 bucks.

I didn't even have to go to the vet. You go to the vet, they get in there and they're like, well, you walked in, that's $300. They should be able to have health insurance policies where you can put your pets on it. That exists, you fucking moron. Stupid bitch. This kid thought he invented pet insurance.

have to get surgeries and medication sometimes. I thought it was just like you pay money. No, there's pet insurance. I didn't know that. I didn't know. I'm sorry. Is it like the insurance where you can insure your legs or something? What the hell are you talking about? We should insure our voices, dude.

Insure them. Yeah, like JLo has her legs insured or some shit like that. There's why would she have her legs insured? She's not a soccer player No, but like it's part of her thing is like her legs and butt I think Rihanna also has like her butt or something insured What does that mean if that if she hurts her so if something happens to it, she gets like a big lump It's like life insurance, dude, but for your asshole, so

So you should, well, not for him because his ass was already torn to shreds because of what you did to him this morning. But like you and I should get voice insurance. God forbid anything happens to our voice. I think that's a thing in like school. We're going to lose our voice like Ariel from The Little Mermaid? You never know. You never know. If a big fucking octopus comes by and says that they can give us, you know, a happier life. Whoa, she wasn't that big, dude. She was big. Whoa. Come on, brother. I feel like you're body shaming an octopus. Come on, brother. Call it how you see it. Yeah. You smashing Ursula?

Honestly? Not no. Not no. Yeah. Take that out of you. When she came out, poor unfortunate souls, I'm fucking, I'm naked by the end of it. Eight hands? Not even hands. Two hands. Eight. Legs? Tents? Tents. Nope. Tell me you don't know. No, it's. I almost said testicles. I almost did. Wow. Do you know the word or you're like. No, no, no. I know it's on the tip of my tongue. Yeah.

Tentacles. Tentacles. Okay, okay, okay. Test. I almost said testicles, yeah. It's like the time you couldn't remember baboon. You're like bam boom. That was real. No, mine was real. That was super real. Mine was real. I just had a, my brain just farted. What did I say? I said bam boon. Bam boon. That's so stupid, dude. Dude, kind of. Ursula? Kind of, dude.

Slapping it, right? That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. She's also got a fucking thick lips too. Dump truck, dude. She's probably got big old fat bags. I think she does. Look at the bags. Good for her. You can see the bags. She's perp. She's purple. Don't really care about that much. Yeah, me neither, but. Funny that it was based off of a drag queen. So we're basically saying we'd fuck a guy. Can women be drag queens? Yeah, they're called drag kings, aren't they? It's not a joke. No, no, no.

I know there's drag racers. There are drag racers. Ben Diesel's not a drag queen. He's a drag racer. Alright, here we go, here we go, here we go. Drag kings. Yeah, dude, a drag king. It's a woman? Female performance artist who dress in masculine drag. Oh, they do dudes. They do, they're dudes? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh, I didn't know. I've never seen that. Do they have the same kind of... That one in the middle kind of looks like you. That's why. Let me see. Okay, that's an insane reaction. This probably doesn't look like me at all.

Frankie, that looks nothing like me. Kind of. Literally nothing. Kind of looks like you, dude. Not even 1%. That's got to be a hurt to your ego that, like, a drag king looks like you. Like, that's how basically over-the-top white you look. Well, now we're being offensive on Christmas morning. Oh, now we're drawing the line and fucking you looking like an offensive white asshole when you were literally just talking about juicing your dog's butt shit. Pup. Juice. Poop. This episode is sponsored by Liquid IV. Liquid IV, uh...

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that's really weighing on you or anything, it's good to talk to someone either weekly or biweekly or whenever you want because I think it's important to kind of get that out. It's like going to the gym for your mind. And BetterHelp is a great way to get started on that and to dip your toe into the world of therapy because it's very affordable. It's not like a huge commitment like in-person therapy is. It's very expensive, especially if you don't have the right insurance.

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Podcast Daddy. And Podcast Daddy want you to know that you can...

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Make it your background. Make it your whole day. Go to TheBasementYard.com, excuse me, and then go check out that beautiful website. And while you're there, go check out the Patreon. Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. We thank you guys. We had an incredibly, incredibly successful year. 2023 was literally bigger than either of us could have imagined and dreamed. We want to continue rocking, rolling, popping, and going for 2024.

I mean, what do you mean, bitch? I'm fucking good at this. Merry Christmas, dude. Can I ask you a question? Nope. Why do we keep doing that? But have you ever kissed under a mistletoe? Yeah, absolutely. I've never done that. I've kissed under a mistletoe before. I've never done that. I got a real mistletoe once. Where are they? They're plants, dude. They're just like little plants. Where do they grow? I don't know where they actually grow, but like Target or someone was selling them. Where'd you put them? Above your door?

That's weird. That's weird. At my house, it's like where I live now, there's like no like entranceway, like really besides like the door. Cause it's all open concept. Yeah. But why would you have a, why would you put it above a doorway? It's so much kissing. Oh no. What if the mailman comes in for a sec? Then he has to then, well, why is your mailman coming into your place? He's got a P.

Your mailman. He's got a P. That's what they do. Ah, can I piss? I like saw my mailman out in public once, not in his like uniform. Is that what it is? Uniform? Costume? What is it? It's a uniform. Okay. And I like scared him. I was like, oh shit, dude. And he was like, literally, he like backed up. Wow. What? And I was like, you look so familiar. He's like,

I do mail. I was like, you're our mailman. He wasn't happy with me. I do mail. Yeah. I don't think he wanted to. I am mail. We last year gave him like a gift card for Christmas. Oh, that's nice. It was. And he literally, he went, thanks. And he, and he just kept going on his mail.

Yeah, like stop and say thank you so much. Weird. We left like, during the holiday season, we left like bottles of water and chips out there for them because they work a lot, dude. You know, didn't care. He just kind of kept going on his day. So you heard her here first, folks. The male, the nicest people in the world. Interesting. I have like garage and like, this is the first time I lived in a building with a,

A front desk and you have to tip those guys. Yeah, you got to give them... But there's a rotating cast of a bunch. But also, serious question. I've been to your building a couple times. They've never stopped me. No. But what do they do?

I know like doorman in the city, like open the door, they get the elevator for you. You know, they'll help you with your bags. Sometimes they do that. Cause when I walk, like there's like a revolving door, but then there's also a regular door. So if I'm, they see me coming with the dog, sometimes they run over and open up the door. Most of the time they don't, but what they do, do, do, do. Sweet. Poop.

Is they accept all the packages. So they have to like organize all the packages and whatever. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. But it's not like a crazy job. In the garage attendant too. And it's like, you're supposed to tip these people a lot, right? I don't know. I mean, if it's like that many people that do the front door, you could just get them like a $50 gift card to Dunkin' and say like, use it amongst yourselves. You know, like something like that. I think it just may get like bottles of wine, but not anything like too crazy. And just like give them.

Just give them cheap bottles of wine, Joey? They probably just want cash, though, right? Yeah, but then you gotta give out fucking how much cash to how many people. I know. That's the thing. And the garage thing, there's only two people that I would give money to because I only recognize those two. But there's like a rotating cast of people that I don't really see. I have to say, if any of them are Hispanic and you don't give them money, you're racist. Well, no. The one who's like my dude because when my car had a flat or whatever, we were like...

I had to go up and down from my apartment to the garage a thousand times. That kid I would, I'd like know. And there's one other person who works at the garage who's also Spanish. You know him. But the front desk guy, actually there's three front desks guys. There you go. He's fucked. Now you got to pay everybody. That's, that's the, that is the curse of being big business billionaire boy. Shut the fuck. That's what you have to do. Shut the fuck. Joey, I don't know if you saw this.

Doritos is coming out with a liquor. I did see that on Twitter. Dude. You can buy it. Let's buy it. It's sold out. I already tried. I already tried. Trust me, babe. Fucking pieces of shit. And I saw... So basically, Doritos officially partnered with this company. I don't remember their name. I think it's like Emerald or something like that. And they infused it with their actual fucking chips. It probably tastes like shit. That was going to be my question for you. Yeah, dog shit. Really? I don't want cheesy liquor. What?

Why not? Gross. Hear me out. You ready? I'm gonna hear you in, dude. It's gross. A Bloody Mary. Ooh. And the vodka you use is that vodka. Ah. A little savory, a little umami, a little salty. Mommy? Umami. Oh, I thought you said mommy. I was like, what? Well, yeah, sure. Mommy, too. Mommy? Mommy could be in there. That sounds good, right? I know. What other drinks would you make?

What is it? A vodka? Yeah. I don't know if it's vodka. It said liquor. So it could just be like a spirit of, you know, indiscriminate, you know, origin. But this kind of, I kind of want it. I'm not fucking with it. Why not? I don't want to be Doritos. How about this? A martini with blue cheese olives. Nacho cheese teeny. I got them for days. I hate martinis. Why? Because you're just drinking straight up fucking. One, I don't love olives either. So like olives and vodka.

Two things I'm not crazy about. I crushed a teeny the other night at dinner. Espresso martinis. I fuck with those. Oh, you're such a fucking like you do this to yourself. What? You do it. Espresso martinis. You're basic, dude. Oh, you're so cool because you drink tea. Coolest guy in the land. Oh, guys, guys, it's so different. You're so eclectic.

You're so eclectic. I like to collect. I like to drink tea. And I hate coffee. And I hate espresso martinis. Do you enjoy anything that everyone else likes? I don't hate anything. Exactly. Except your fucking stupid idiot face right now. My idiot face? Yeah. Why? I don't hate coffee. I just don't drink it. I choose not to drink it. Espresso martinis, though. Come on. You know what you're doing. What is wrong with them? It's the world's drink right now. Everyone drinks them. Then they're good. Are they? So you're not going to drink it because the world's drinking it? Oh, I got it.

I've had it before. Not great. He's so cool and contrarian. He doesn't follow the grain. Oh, you're such a rebel. Dude, I want to fucking go. Fist bump me, dude. I'm going to find a way to hurt you. Fucking guy. I'm going to find a way to hurt you. They're good, dude. Charlie, wake up. They're just good. Wake up, Charlie. He's had a long morning. Got his asshole puckered. Is there a drink that you would have with this nacho cheese drink?

Yeah, I mean, I would just take a shot of it because I want to, like, feel the cheese. It probably tastes nothing like it, to be honest. That's the grossest way I've ever heard. Feel the cheese. You should put that on the fucking bottle. Feel the cheese. The nacho cheese. I don't know why I haven't stopped thinking about... In one of our, like, more recent episodes, you said, dude, I don't know eggs. And it's...

But I don't I don't know the difference between eggs. It's so funny to me. Um speaking of cheese. What I don't eat cheese Oh, yeah, oh, Greg has to try this. What'll that do to his fucking insides? Oh, I don't eat cheese. I don't really eat cheese People commenting on it. He sent us a screenshot. He's like, all right. I see you Frank. He goes like how do people know about this already? It's the basement yard

Cool. That's how people know. Also, people love when you try to say basement yard at the end of that episode. You're like, basement yard. Basement yard. God. Are there any foods, whether it be snack foods or candies or anything that you would infuse into alcohol and be a fan of? Candy. Mm-hmm. Pretty much any candy. I did the Skittles vodka. I remember. You made me had it. And it wasn't. You made me had it.

It wasn't good. No? No, it was just... What about gummy bears? I've had gummy bears. Gummy bear. I've got very drunk off of those, like, alcohol. You like jello shots? They're okay, but they're a little too, like, I'm showing people how I would suck dick when I'm trying to drink alcohol. Oh, I was going to say pussy, but... Oh, yeah, that too. What kind of jello shots are you taking that you're just like... Like, I'm like... No, but like... Yeah, but it's like you're putting it in and you're just like...

That's how you would do it? Ew. I know socks that suck in dick, dude. Teach me your ways. You suck dick and suck in dick. It's a little too, like, performative to get my alcohol. Like, just give it to me in an easier way. I have a whole method when I do jello shots. It's like... You rim it. You gotta... You do. That's what you do. You gotta put your tongue in down hard. Oh. And, like, cut through it, like, on the side. And then you go, and then you turn the whole thing like a tuna can. Give me your top three jellos.

Like colors? Yeah. Oh, blue? Yes. Probably red and green. Oh, green? Yeah. What? What's wrong with green? Orange, dude. Oh, orange is pretty good too. That's probably like the only orange thing that I like, honestly. Green is so dog shit. It's crazy. I don't know, bro. Especially when it's a fucking jello shot. It's like, it just tastes like vodka. Such dog shit. I like jello shots though. They're okay, but like they're a little like, I need to like sit there and work for it. Like, I don't want to do that. You know what's fun?

Putting jello in front of your teeth you here we go here comes a sucking freak here comes freak sucker McGee Put it for your teeth and then you suck it through your teeth there It is I told you but it finds little holes in your teeth, and they go through I told you this is my fun the sucker freak And then I like pushing it out the yeah you do you do because you're a fucking weirdo like you like that, too I do I can't even write I do I'm not gonna lie fun. I I I judge how like healthy my mouth is if I can like I

You know, like that. You know what I'm saying? Judge how healthy it is. Yeah, just like if I can like squeeze air out of like my two front teeth. I'm like, oh, this is a good mouth. What about Michael Strahan? He got him fixed. Did he? He got rid of it. What did he do? Yeah, he got it fixed. He fucking betrayed his fucking idiot tooth brethren. Yeah. Dude, speaking of. Michael Strahan? Kind of.

This new thing on TikTok, I can't get behind it, dude. This guy, Bevo. Bro. Dude, I can't. I can't. If you guys have not seen. This guy freaks me out. Go on TikTok, and it's like a. Bevo, bro. British slash maybe Jamaican. Jamaican? I'm not quite sure. White guy who tries and rates food, but. Doesn't eat it. No exaggeration. He puts it in, takes one, like.

And he swallows it. But he swallows it like you're trying to swallow a baseball. Like, he swallows it and he goes... His head goes down and he's like, oh, fuck. Like, every time he swallows it, I'm like, is he choking? Yeah. And he chews like the worst person you've ever met. He's like...

He literally, like, ugh. It's like nails on a chalkboard for me. You know what I hate about that shit? Is that there's always beans on his plate. I'm like, this shit is so British. Yeah, fucking British people love- Chill with the beans, bro. Beans, brown sauce, and potatoes. Like, they're not an every meal type of thing. Just chill with the beans. I can't talk shit, though. I do love beans. Baked beans? Bush's baked beans? They're fine, yeah. I like black beans better. Better than fine. Okay. You like black beans the best?

Nice trying to apologize. It's all my white guilt. I love black beans. They're the best. I can't be racist. I love black beans. What do you mean? I'd have voted for Obama a third time if I could. I'm not racist. I love black beans. Dude, I can't get behind this Bevo guy. I'm sure he's maybe possibly a nice guy, but like...

Seems like a nice guy, but he's got weird eating habits. He puts a whole sausage in his mouth, chews, his mouth opens and closes twice, and then he swallows the thing and he goes, that was pretty good. I'm like, how could you taste it? He's like, oh, it's seasoned well. It's like, it didn't even hit your tongue. By the time you swallow it, it gets a chew and then it goes straight back. This guy's like swallowing pills, but it's food, dude. It's insane. Also, if it's something like rice or whatever, he

He didn't even chew. Ain't a chew. There ain't a chew. He did one where he took rice and curry and just went right back. Yeah, he swallowed a spoon. I couldn't believe it. And I refused. Wild. Shout out to Bevo, though. All right, so what candies? I'm going to name some candies and snacks, and you tell me if you would drink a liquor infused with this flavor. You ready? Go. Nerds. Okay, yeah. What do you mean, okay, yeah? They're all right. I don't really like that. What do you want, Mike and Ikes? That would taste good. Mm-hmm. Anything that's fruit-based. Mm-hmm.

Twix. No. Chocolate caramel? Chocolate liquor? Have you not had chocolate liquor? You're sitting here talking about having espresso martinis. That's coffee. I believe it's made with like a chocolate liqueur. Oh, do you? No, it's coffee liqueur, dumbass. Oh, all right. Good try. Oh, no. I'm sorry. I got something that's brown and chocolate. You think everything brown is chocolate? Oh, you do. That's why you call everyone chocolate that you meet. Joey said it. Chocolate that you meet.

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There's a killer lemonade out there in the world. It's killing people. And I don't mean to say that with a smile on my face. Allegedly. Allegedly. No, people are dying from this fucking lemonade. Allegedly, Joey. Careful. Who's going to come after me? Panera Bread? Yeah. Yeah, probably. Allegedly killing people. Here's what I'll say about Panera. They're going to send a fucking grenade in a bread bowl. Yeah.

Which like the idea of bread bowl is really cool. Dude, unbelievable. Like you can't be mad at a bread bowl. No, no, no. And I like, what's the thing? It's like the spinach dip with the bread. My mom makes that. My mom makes that so hard, dude. I fuck with that. Yeah. I wish all of my plates were edible bread.

Why don't we make more edible plates, dude? Hey, who's the people that make- Cups, even. Plastic or paper plates? Dixie or whatever they're called? Yeah, yeah. Make it edible. Edible paper plate. And napkins. I want to wipe my face with something and then eat it. I got sauce on my face. I wipe it with a bread napkin and then I eat it. Yeah, that would be a pretty good idea. Fucking great. Like, if it was like- And it doesn't need to be anything crazy. Like, what do they use to make, like, the Eucharist?

God knows. The body of Christ. Is that what you're talking about? The body of Christ. Amen. How dare you? In the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Amen. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Or amen. Whatever.

Whatever it is. I don't care. Amen. Amen. I think you definitely need to make more edible cutlery and like plates and cups and shit like that. Dude, if my fork was made of bread, it wouldn't last. Dude, what was it? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the original one? The one with Gene Wilder? Gene Wilder. Remember he takes like a sip of something and he eats the cup? Yes. Oh, yeah. Dude, I want an edible cup so bad. I guess you can make like Jell-O cups. Well, when I was in...

Chicago and also I think when I was in yeah when I was in Denver there was certain bars I think it's this one bar federales I think the name is but they have ice shots so like the shot comes in like an ice cube shot glass and you drink it and you throw it at a bell and

Fire, dude. Like a gong. It's like a gong, I think. Nothing I want more than being able to create like havoc and mayhem with like safety. Dude, I took a shot at this bar when I was already drunk and...

Absolutely crushed this bell. It was the best feeling in the world. That would be so... You know how bad I want to be at a bar? Not sad, because this only really happens when people are sad, but at a bar drinking and then just fucking throw a bottle behind the bar. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, like a shot glass? You ever see someone's just at a bar and they're miserable and they're just like, you know, whatever they're going through. And then they drink it and they just fucking laugh.

Launch the bottle behind the bar. And it explodes. It just fucking evaporates, basically. I want to do that. Another business idea I just thought of. You know how they have those rage rooms? Yeah. But it's a bar. And you can do that.

Instead of like being like a regular room with like a fucking TV in it Yeah, like it's like a it looks like a bar set up and you can just throw stuff. Oh my god, dude You know how awesome that would be? I don't know if that's gonna sell buddy. Why because alcohol is expensive No, no, no, not like real alcohol there. But you're throwing it around bottles. It's just a staged Okay, someone you are you're getting rid of your fucking bottles like I'll take them. Oh

No? I don't know. Yeah, so this Panera, the supercharged lemonade. Yeah, there's a killer lemonade out there, and it's allegedly killing a bunch of people. Shout out to Panera Bread for murdering the masses here. Allegedly. Well, two is not masses. Two is singularities. It's massive, depending on what you think. I looked it up. In this drink, there's 260 milligrams of caffeine in a 20-ounce serving.

Which is insane. Dude, what? Then there's 390 milligrams in a 30 ounce serving. Here's my question. Who needs 30 ounces of lemonade? Listen to me. There's a reason we're the fattest country on the planet. 30 ounces of lemonade is psychotic. What's the recommended daily amount for caffeine a day? Maybe 200. So the smallest amount that they have?

Yo, what's in this? Also... Coke? A label on the tank states the flavor followed in smaller print by a claim that the lemonade is plant-based. Bro, who's walking... No one thinks this lemonade's made of meat. Yeah, it's plant-based. That's hysterical because I believe, unless I'm mistaken, caffeine is from plants. So, like, technically it is plant-based, but that's how they're getting away with it.

Plant-based and clean with as much caffeine as our dark roast coffee. Maybe the whole fucking... I don't know about that. 30 gallons of coffee. That's insane. Dude, what? Oh...

That's roughly accurate, though arguably misleading, since Panera doesn't sell 30-ounce coffees. It does, however, sell a 20-ounce light roast with 384 milligrams of caffeine. Bro, this is insane amount of caffeine! Dude, that's nuts. And people who have, like, heart issues or whatever the fuck, some guy, he died because he had high blood pressure or something, and he drank three of them because he thought it was regular lemonade, which, dude...

High blood pressure, even if there was no caffeine, that's a lot of lemonade. He didn't die. He probably just fucking spontaneously combusted. No, he had attack of the heart. His heart didn't attack him. It just blew up in his chest. His cardiac was arrested by the authorities. Dude, what? Yeah, man. How? There's got to be like cocaine in it. In what way?

Dude, it was like, would one drink need to contain 380 fucking milligrams of caffeine? It was like the Dunkin', look up the Dunkin' drink that came out, I think it was like last year or something that had like, it had more sugar than like a box of donuts. It was insane. And this is why we're in fucking shambles.

Dunkin Donuts is not going to be a happy customer for us, you know? Were they ever? No. They weren't. I don't even know how to look that up, dude. Just say... I'm looking up Dunkin Nutrition. Dunkin Donuts sugary drink. That's all you need to look up, and I guarantee it'll pop up. Dunkin Donuts. Dunkin's Toy Chest. That's a toy store in the city, isn't it? In Home Alone. Oh.

Oh, here it is. Dunkin' customer goes viral after revealing their drinks have as much sugar as 14 donuts. Bro, I'd rather eat the donuts. I would rather eat a fucking cyanide pill. I'm going to die anyways because of this stuff. Might as well go out. What are they? Oh, it's a pumpkin swirl frozen coffee. Here's a rule of thumb, I think.

If the drink you're ordering has that many different words, it's probably a lot of sugar. Yeah. The least amount of names for whatever you're eating. Pumpkin swirl frozen delight fuck crust. Yeah. You're dead. Yeah. Can't do that. What are we... Oh, my God. This is legitimately insane that people... There's gonna... They like...

Why do all these like fast food chains just like just come up with the most evil shit in the world? I don't know. I don't know how this is like, I don't know how this is allowed. Like, I don't know. Like, I just don't get it. My friends, this is, this is what he said. My friends, this is a pumpkin swirl frozen coffee. Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to put this on the menu? Because this drink has 185 grams of sugar in it. It's 46 teaspoons of sugar. 46 times? Insane. Uh, the amount of sugar in there is equal to 14 glazed donuts. Bro.

Give me two glazed donuts and I'm pumped. Give me one that was microwaved a little bit. I'm a fucking happy camper, dude. Oh, you microwave your glazies? I didn't know that. A warm donut, bro? I've had a warm donut before, but like... I get why people have sex with donuts. What? Yeah, like... Are there people out there? What do you mean I get it? I don't think that there's no one fucking donuts. Is it a thing, Joey? You know, you're Porn Master General. Look it up.

I'm not looking up dudes fucking donuts. No, not dudes. Just look up sex with donuts. Obviously, you can assume people have put their dick in donuts before. I'm just saying you put a warm glazed donut in front of me. I'm going to eat it, but a part of me is going to go, if I did do this, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Sex with donuts. I got to be careful because Miles uses my computer at home and it's linked to this. Sex with donuts. Donut sex. Yeah, it's a thing. Told you. Boom. Safe assumption. That was an assumption. I ate a donut off my boyfriend's penis and it was awesome.

That sounds cool too. Hey, just give me the donut. Don't put it on my penis. Just give it to me. I'll eat it off of my hands. I mean, no, it'd be cool. It wouldn't? Getting a donut eaten off your yang. Yeah, cool. How? How would that be cool? Someone's biting around your dick like it's like a fucking bomb that's about to go off. A woman's mouth near your penis is good 100% of the time. Unless she's going for a bite. Well, that's what she's doing! What if she fucking accidentally gets too into the donut and like bites your fucking shit?

Well, who knows? 930 calories and 194 carbs in that drink as well. That's insane.

930 calories. We're all like, we're going to be consumed by this stuff eventually. Now we wonder why like we're the country that has like the most like gastrointestinal issues. It's because most of our diet is like high fructose corn syrup, artificially created caffeine. Yeah. Fucking heroin. Well, you don't know. What if someone put heroin in those drinks? Basically, you're getting the same high, I assume. Yeah, props. That's insane.

There's got to be heroin in like Captain Crunch because I cannot stop eating that shit. Dude, Captain Crunch. Christmas Crunch. Becca yesterday got the special edition Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but it's Apple Pie Crunch. It's all right. The fuck? It just tastes like a cinnamony apple pie. I don't like that. It was okay. I'm not a biggest fan of apple pie, but like it was okay.

I don't like apple pie. Do you guys do anything like Christmas Day? Like make a thing all the time? I've told you this before. Oh, yeah. You do the Jewish thing. Stop. It's not a Jewish thing. 100% is a Jewish thing. We can share with them. No, you're appropriating Jewish culture. No, I'm not appropriating Jewish culture, Joey. Coming from the guy that was playing with dreidels. Because my Jewish friend gave it to me. What Jewish friend, Joey? I can't remember. You don't remember? I had more Jewish friends than you ever had. That's true. You did. Fucking tried to come at me.

We watch a movie, hang out with the kids, watch them be joyous, give each other gifts. Love that. What if it snows? You get a snowball fight? If it snows on Christmas, mark my words, I will fucking, like, it won't get better than that. I'd kill myself. I have to. Probably, yeah. You go over there, drink a charged lemonade, and that'd be it. Yeah. And go out in snow? 100,000%. Yeah. Gotta do it. Having snowball fights is so fun. Is there any part of you that now kind of wants to try this lemonade a little bit?

No, dude, I do not react well to that much caffeine. Yeah, if you drink the whole thing, but like if you have a little sip, it probably tastes good. Probably just tastes like sugary lemonade. That's it. Like the lemonade you get at like the street festivals in New York. That ain't lemonade, folks. That is just sugar water with a splash of lemon. But there is a lot of ice. I like when a drink is filled with ice. And you can shake it. Do you do the shake? Yeah. Or like a see-through cup and you're like, huh. Yeah, meh.

I do like that. All right. But you can't have, you can't have that sugar or that caffeine, bro. If I have one cold brew, like during the summer, especially if I'm going to get coffee, I'll ask for an iced coffee. Rarely do I ever like finish my coffee, by the way. I try to only have one, which I don't, I'm not like a huge coffee person to begin with, but if it's a cold brew and I think it's iced coffee, you shit your pants. No, I, my body's like, I can feel it, dude. And people drink them like every day.

Yeah. It's crazy. I imagine if I have coffee, like if I have a cup of coffee, I don't know what my body will do. How much caffeine is in a tea? Well, that's the thing. So the way that I make my tea- Oh, dude, I just really want a numerical answer. I don't want a whole thing. I can't give you- It's like, all right, if you're going to go- Frankie, land on a number. I swear to God, if there's more words, I'm going to lose it. I'm just going to fall asleep probably. A standard 12 ounce cup of black tea.

will have like half the caffeine of a standard 12 ounce black cup of coffee. So what's the answer, Frank? I don't know a number. That's what I'm telling you. It's like 95 and a cup of coffee. So it's about half of that. Like the strongest tea will give you around half of what the strongest, like a regular cup of coffee will give you. But like the way that I use it, I wash it. He was going to do this whole fucking story. But the way that I have my tea is I wash out most of the caffeine. You can do that? Yeah. How do you do it?

I'm not going to go into the way that I make my tea right now, Joey. Now I'm asking and now you don't want to tell me. But fucking when I don't want to know, you want to tell me this whole shit. Well, what I use is something that is traditionally called the gung fu method, which is an extra amount of leaves to a smaller amount of water. So it's just they're more potent batches of tea and you can do it more frequently. So what you do for most teas, except for like green teas or like, you know, very specific teas. I regret this. I really do regret it.

pour water in it and then you pour it out and there's an old Chinese proverb that says something along the lines of like my first I give to my enemies and that's because the first you know like the first infusion of tea is not as flavorful the leaves need to open up and that kind of washes away most of the caffeine they say give it to your enemies yeah yeah yeah damn dude the Chinese are on wild people dude wild people it's like oh that sucks just give it to the people you hate yeah it'll take this piece of shit so I'm sure there are people watching this that are just like

They stopped listening when I said tea. I'm one of them, dude. I'm here and I, you know. When you asked me. Once you said gung fu, I was like, is he. When you asked me about tea at my house that day, I like didn't know how to react because you never do.

I was just like, what? I asked him about tea and he... I don't even... Your reaction was so weird. I just didn't know because like I didn't know... It was like you ran into your celebrity crush and they're like, oh my God, you're beautiful. And you're like, what? No, no, no. But it's like one of those things that like when you're so into something that you can't casually talk about it. You know what I mean? Like...

I don't bring up tea to other people because they'll ask me a question like that and I can't give a simple answer. You'll be like, what's your favorite tea? We're going to go back to the part where you said you don't bring up tea to people. I don't. I don't bring up tea to people. They bring it up to me as you did at my house that day. Right.

Frank, do you think I one day was just like, how do you feel about tea? No, I know I like tea, but I'm not like, I don't talk about it. It's like sometimes you walk in here with a dirty tea, like a leafy tea. I do have some leafy bitches. It's like in a bottle and then it's just filled with leaves. That's tea, baby. It's like a fucking pile in there. It's a big, it's tea. Correct. But I didn't know how to act that day because like you never asked me and I didn't know how to like.

So if there's so many leaves in there, is it more caffeinated if there's more leaves in the tea? Not necessarily. I mean, if you do the gung fu. But you lose as you do it more. So like the more infusions you get, you lose more and more of that. So you try to wash out all the... I don't try it. You're supposed to open the leaves up. So who do you give the first batch to? Like Miles or something? No, I don't. I pour it on my tea pets. What'd you say?

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Bing, bing, bing, bing. Back up, back up, back up. T-Pets? Pets? What does that mean? Is that some sort of thing that I don't know? What is it? Frankie, no, I need to know. Seriously. You can follow us. No, no, no, no. What's a T-Pet? Tell me you have little action figures or something. Frankie, what is a T-Pet? What's a T-Pet? So... No, I'm scared, dude. Quick answer, quick answer. Just get to it. Just tell me. They're little ceramic animals, dude. But what do you mean? You pour it on them?

Frankie explain that it's like a thing in China that like that first batch you pour out So they would make like little cute little pets and then put them on the tea table And then they would pour that first on them so like they have their serving of tea and I got them for like Like I got them for like the kids like Ruby takes them and plays with them all the time Uh-huh, so I have like right now. I have a little rabbit. I have a little duck. Oh

It's a color changing duck. But you put it on the table? Yeah. And then you just spill shit on the table? Well, on a tea table. It's like a bamboo table that has like a top. And like you pour in, there's like a well in it. Oh, okay. Yeah. How much do you hate me right now? Not only do you collect toys, but now you're making sure they're having tea with you. You're having a little tea party.

Is what you're doing. Like when a little girl sets up a table and has like Mr. Bunny Rabbit. Oh, gender! Gender issue, bitch! Everyone could like tea. Get him! Get this! Get him! And then you're having a little tea party like, oh, Mr. Rabbit. What's his name? No names. I've never given him names. All right. Well, where can they find you when you're not feeding your tea pets? I love how you said that and immediately you were like, oh, I said too much.

T-Pets. If Alvarez885 on Twitter or X, whatever the hell, leave Frank Alvarez on all the forms of social media. Like I said, go to TheBasementYard.com and go sign up. You can get more information. If you ever want an email from The Basement Yard, you can do it and you can get it that way. There'll be more information on upcoming shows, merch stuff. The Patreon is up there. Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

And just check out the basement yard on our own show. Yeah, Merry Christmas. Go check out the Patreon page. Go check out the basement yard on all forms of social media, too. Yeah, thebasementyard.com. There's, like, at the bottom, like, whatever, the footer of the fucking website. You can put in your email. Keep you updated on when there's new dates because there will be new dates for a tour. Come hang out with us live. We appreciate you guys so much. This year has been crazy. Love you guys. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. All right? Mm.

Okay.