#2629 RHOSLC S05E10 Part One: Crash and Hepburn
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Oh, and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker. Joining me today, Ronnie Karam. Hey, Ronnie, how are you? Well, hello. How are you? You know, I'm doing great. Thanks. Just having a lovely day here. Me too. Yeah, yeah. Just, you know, it's Thursday. Salt Lake City was last night, which we're about to talk about. I'm

By the way, is my audio out of sync on your end? Like, I feel like I'm seeing a lag with my lips. Okay, good. As long as my lips look good to you, then we will proceed onwards. Because we're good on my end. It looks so good. It looks so good. Yes. I've been out of sync. I've been a technical disaster. So I'm sorry to the listeners. You know what's going on up here. Construction, construction, disaster. We're both reconfiguring our studio spaces to be more professional. And it's turned into a clusterfuck of a week of shows.

So when you're watching on video and I'm out of sync, that's why I'm fucking things up. But hopefully today we've got it all fixed. We'll see. All you need to do is go to Guitar Center and hand them sacks of money. And then suddenly things start working again. So, you know, thanks, Guitar Center. That's actually really good. That's really good to know, because I'm like, where do you get things like that?

things like audio video stuff these days now that Radio Shack is gone and so is Fry's like where does one go go to audio visual they're so good there they know their shit over there they'll help you now be careful because you know they're always going to try and like overcharge you on the they

You want that insurance? They're real hard sellers with that. They're like old hardcore rockers who are working there. The chick who waits on me, I call her Juliette because she looks just like Juliette Lewis, but she's like bleach blonde. Hey, honey, you bringing that back? What's wrong with that? She kind of gets mad if you bring something back. It's too big. I told you it was going to be too big. Oh, God, it's not too big. It's a normal size. She'll fight with you. I love them over there.

I think, can you tell I need them a lot? I'm like, please help me, Julia Lewis. She's like, Oh, come on. When I was in the runaways, we use things that were twice this size and it was fine. Joan jet never had an issue. Yeah. Well, as usual, this is on crap and on demand on video, hopefully in sync and, uh, everywhere else. Uh,

you get your podcast also patreon bonus episode super fun it's our grumpy old man episode up right now that's where we just are grumpy old bitches and complain about shit that you young people are doing and that was super fun to do and um also a big huge announcement thank you to the cma awards that were on last night wow i've never watched that have you ever seen that

No, what happened? That was a whole other world. I don't know. It's just so cool. It's like going to Universal Studios, you know, when you're like immersed in a different world. It's like Mario World. They're like, oh my God, everything's a mushroom. And this was just like a whole different world. And I was watching it with my friend. And one of the guys, well, first of all, it was some guy named Jelly Roll up there singing. This was literally the song. Kim Zolciak's favorite.

This guy was singing and some other guy, he was singing with some other guy with a goatee that looked like the thing you measure your feet in with at Payless. I don't know what was going on with him, but if you can get that visual into your head. Was it Teddy Swim's?

i don't know i hope so there's like this whole yeah okay go on oh go ahead go ahead there's a whole lot no you say there's like this whole generation now of like these people like jelly roll and teddy swims and this other guy like pizza pan or something and they all kind of look the same they're kind of like tatted up and they just look crazy anyway he's not tatted up like yeah jelly roll is like being to prison being to prison you know that's all i heard for the first few lyrics i had to like separate myself

But yeah, he was heavily like into prison art on his face. But yeah, that guy. And then there was like, he was an older guy singing with him, but they were singing some gospel song, which, you know, I grew up.

gospel so it wasn't that sometimes but it was not that crazy to me to hear this stuff but just sitting with my friend who's Jewish you know my best friend she's like what the is this because it was God's it's just white people to see if white people waving their hand in the air and this song let me just tell you this song was like I knew a man he lost his wife in an accident

Then he lost his baby in a fire. Then he lost his kitty in the woods. And I was like, what happened to this poor guy? I mean, by the end of the song, they had this poor guy set on fire, thrown down a mountain, drowned and come back to life again. I was like, what is going on in country music? This is the saddest shit I've ever heard. And then they would just pan out at the audience and everybody was like waving their hands in the air and sobbing.

And then someone else won an award and it was some band, I don't know who they are. And this guy was like, well, guys, you know what country music is good for? Community. And that's what we need when this country is so weird. I mean, look at your window. It is weird out there. So thank you for being. And I looked at my friend. I said, this is one of the only awards show on television where they're talking about us.

Because every other awards show, we're like, guys, stay together. It's weird out there. Meaning them, you know? And it was just interesting seeing that because I'd never watched it. And it was pretty good. I have to say, I mean, we didn't watch the whole thing. We watched 10 minutes. But I was like, I get it. I mean, I can get why people are into that sort of stuff. I mean, it's nice to just stand in a group and cry about some imaginary guy who literally lost everything and was burned alive by the end, you know? Yeah.

So today we're talking about the real house was the Salt Lake City. Sorry, I had to tell you. That was crazy. No, when you started that story up, because of course, this is where my mind goes. I was like, when you said, thank you so much to the CMAs, I thought you were going to say, did the CMAs mention Watcher Crabbits? I was like, did someone get up there and receive an award? No, just changed my life then.

Hey, that's worthwhile. Go on. Go with your day. Go on with your day. Just go on like everything's normal and nothing's changed in the world. No. Your story is Bravo adjacent because Kim Zolciak went to a Jelly Roll concert over the weekend. And she went with Chet Hanks and a maid TMZ because she probably sent it in. Because who...

really cares that Kim Zolciak went and saw Jelly Roll. But apparently that's news. It's news enough that I'm repeating it here. I just think it's the funniest thing. Kim Zolciak seeing an artist named Jelly Roll. If you told me when Kim Zolciak showed up on our TVs...

in 2009 or whatever. And you said one day she's going to go to a concert for someone named Jelly Roll. I'd be like, absolutely. She will. She will definitely be at a Jelly Roll concert. I mean, who wouldn't? That's like the best name for it. I'm going to go, I'm going to become an artist and name myself Peanut M&M. Like who's not going to come? That's like delicious. I was sort of in the market for a Jelly Roll recently. I was like Jelly Roll curious. And then I decided, you know what? I don't need a Jelly Roll. I don't need it. Yeah.

All right. So Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. We open at Mary's house with a wacky voiceover. There's a little fairy tale music going on. Someone's like, meet Mary Goldlightly. Mary's like, oh, my gosh. She's setting up, walking down the stairs very carefully in gigantic shoes, like platform slippers, I think. Is that what they were?

Yeah, they were just classic Mary Cosby things. And this narrator, they're trying to make it seem like this is almost like Downton Abbey. Or maybe it was from Breakfast at Tiffany's. I've never seen Breakfast at Tiffany's, so I don't know if there was a narrator in Breakfast at Tiffany's and this is actually very true to the movie. Have you ever seen Breakfast at Tiffany's? I have. I don't think there was a narrator, no.

Well, they haven't never go when I saw it was in gay college I'm ready for the sequel lunch at Tiffany's. Hey, yo, so Never gets there. She's a never to leave. That's the thing with Mary go lightly her ass is out of there and that's why I was so surprised when Mary was so pissed by the end when Meredith left spoiler alert because that's how breakfast at Tiffany's lit and sounds like it's actually poetic and

yeah go lightly get the out of there she's not going to commit she's a who she's a who i think she's like is that the name of girl or something is that the name of bye i know so little about this movie is that the name of her character holly go lightly yeah holly go lightly and she did she left lightly and you're like where'd she go and she's probably at work you know and then they played moon river afterwards yeah wow okay well i'm learned i i actually do want to see this movie because it's such a pop culture reference all the time and i

I feel a little sad that I came into this episode with all these bangs clipped onto people's hair without being able to. I'm going to do that. I want to have a Holly go lightly party to clip bangs on my head. So cute.

Yeah, it was fun. So, yeah, we have this narrator who's saying, like, she's a lady of exquisite taste. And Mary's like, I know that's not the decoration. Not in my house. Oh, Lord, not the decoration. Because she has all these people setting up this party for her. And she's basically just, like, just scolding them for everything that they're doing. Yeah. Yeah.

And she appreciates the finer things in life. A lady who loves to entertain. And then I want to put a picture of Audrey Hepburn over there.

Perfecting every detail for a guest. Could you, you know, the fire things, turn those off. I don't like fire things. Are they candles? What is she talking about? What are the fire things? I don't know what the fire things are in Mary's house. I'm imagining like big hoops of fire that she just bought. She was like, yeah, I like them. She's just got people from her church who haven't tithed just standing in the middle, you know, just on a pier in the middle, a pyre, just ready to get burnt. Yeah.

So then the narrator's like, "Unfortunately, not everything is going well with the friends." So then we see, you know, basically, "previouslys." And then when those end, it's "Will Mary's social gathering bring the group together, or will she get burned by the fire things? Hepburned! Get it? Like Audrey Hepburn! Oh, never mind. Find out at breakfast at Mary's." Um, so now we do like, "Oh my gosh, it's Salt Lake City! Huh?"

and uh whitney and her son are playing soccer her son's name is brooks yeah it's not funny her son was named brooks until i read it in the notes right now who knew yeah yeah way to raise a criminal that's giving your child criminal energy right there because brooks from real housewives of oc don't give your children the same numerology as brooks from the oc strong with you

or instead of a criminal, maybe a sweatsuit maven. So it could go either way, or maybe all of the above. That's true. But Brooks Marks, I think, was born after that. How old is this Brooks?

I don't know how old that Brooks is, but I don't want you to bring up my child, my toddler, on your podcast. How dare you speak about my toddler. Okay, so then we go to a place called Phoenix Vine. Don't go to a place called Phoenix for your plants. That place is a desert.

What's with the naming today on this show? Yeah. And it's Angie and Electra and they're potting plants. And Electra's like, dad put truffle sauce on my salad yesterday. Which, okay, two comments.

I actually, I enjoy truffle oil. I know like truffle oil is now a thing that people go like, truffle oil, disgusting. I'm looking at you, Gail Simmons, who shamed it on Top Chef once. So I enjoy my truffle oil. But that being said, it does not belong on a salad. I think Elektra has a full-on case right here.

For a child, you know, like a child, I mean, teenager, but she's like no teenager wants a truffle sauce on their salad, you know, and I feel like that's also so something that her dad would do. You know what I mean?

Because he's just like so gay coded, even though he's not gay. Like he still like carries Louis Vuitton and, you know, he does like all the gay things, even though he's a straight guy. And I feel like that is so gay. Like my child will understand truffle oil. Drink it. She will be sophisticated. Eat your salad. Also, I love that. Like watching Audrey Hepburn with the boys. Yeah.

I also love that Electra held on to this for a day. She was like, I'm going to bring this up on camera. I want to make sure there's a public record of what happened to me. I'm waiting until I get my mother alone on camera so no one can interrupt me and I can just get my complaints out there. What are your complaints? Dad made me eat truffle oil. Well, mom, I see how you act when you tell dad, listen, we can't talk about this until the cameras are here. So guess what? Now it's my time. Here's what I've got to tell you about.

truffle sauce in my goddamn ranch dressing. I'm divorcing dad. And she's like, oh, is that what I could smell in the house? See what happens when I'm not there to manage? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. She's like, yeah, you're kind of a helicopter mom. She's like, they don't have helicopters in ancient Greece, so use a better term. Yeah.

I'm a Greek-icopter mom. "Susie, susie, susie, susie, susie, susie, susie, sorry I splattered yogurt and cucumber everywhere, I'm just trying to make sure my daughter is safe." You just hear the theme song to MASH but play it with like the, that Greek mandolin kind of thing.

So she's like, "Give me some examples of what makes me a helicopter mom." And she's like, "This conversation, for example." And then we see a flashback to the last few minutes and just Angie peppering her with questions. "How is school?" "Hey, do you like this black and white one?" "Hey, I want to cook for you." "Hey, should we talk about your laundry a little bit?" - So why do you lock your door?

For some reason, I thought it was so funny that she was like, "Should we talk about your laundry a little bit?" It was a performance review. "Okay, so now..." "Electra, should we talk about this? I think we should talk about this." But I also like, "Why do you lock your door?" Because Dad's always trying to fucking barge in with truffle oil. Why do you think? "Keep him out of my room!" "I need to keep the fresh air in my room, okay? You smelled it!"

smelled so rancid he didn't even know what it was you probably raccoon died in our kitchen it was truffle oil mother uh so um then Andrew's like but can you imagine if I didn't helicopter though what would you think would be I would think what do you think you would be thinking if I wasn't helicoptering and Electra just goes that I was free oh

okay relax Persephone so Angie is like wow oh my god so then we got to a fun little crossover moment Kimo Sabe the Kimo Sabe I'm assuming of

I don't know why I'm assuming it's at Park City, but the point is that we have our Utah version of Kimo Sabe. Who knew that Kimo Sabe existed outside of Aspen? Probably a lot of people, but not me. So it's Lisa. Hi! I love your turquoise jewelry. Can I touch? I love that. That's so good. How much is this one? Is it $60,000? Because that's one that I lost on Pump Springs once. Yeah, yeah. I also lost a $5 thing in Milwaukee, but that was on purpose. Yeah.

The guy's like, these are fun. So everything here is vintage turquoise. Oh, fuck off with that. Do you have any new turquoise? I want your old ass turquoise. Does turquoise get better as it's old? No. Go mind me. You guys charged me $90 million for some turquoise. Go get some fresh turquoise, please. I think turquoise is inherently vintage. It's like an old rock that was shaped by...

millennia of millennials. So go take it up fresh. Don't just sell to somebody else's. We want hot, fresh turquoise deals. Okay. Amazon's Black Friday week started this morning and I want some fresh Amazon Prime turquoise, sir. This is not the El Paso casino where I will accept your, just any old turquoise. Okay. This is Kimo Sabe. Get me fresh. We want that fresh, fresh turquoise. So...

so um then heather walks in and she's like i thought kimo sabe was a sushi bar and good god you would you are trying so hard as if you don't watch every single episode of housewives i know that was a huge plot on beverly hills girl please it's not funny and we we're we see you

Yeah. So she's like, I don't know what I was thinking. Just Kimo sounded Japanese and Sabe just thought it was like a play on wasabe. So I thought like sushi bar. I'm like, listen, even if this hat store never existed, Kimo Sabe is like something we've learned from the Lone Ranger. Like it's been around that phrase for like decades now. It's as old as retro turquoise at this point.

Kimo Sabe is actually a horse, I think so. Let's see. Oh, it's a term. It's a fictional term. In a Lone Ranger radio program and television show, Kimo Sabe is a friendly term used by the Lone Ranger's Native American companion, Tonto, to refer to the Lone Ranger. Oh, so it's like saying, hey, friend. Kimo Sabe. I thought it was a horse. That's cute. I like it. I did learn something every day. But at least I didn't think it was sushi. Yeah.

Sean walks in next to the guy, "I heard there's a sushi restaurant here. You guys need some truffle oil?" So Lisa's like, "Oh my God, how cute you are!" Heather's like, "Regardless, I've been wanting to eat all day and now I'm starving and I'm surrounded by hats!"

cue the amy grant song hats why do i gotta wear so many damn hats oh my gosh is this a secret passageway this is amazing i love secret passageways i didn't even have any idea that this was a secret passageway i thought it was a bookshelf oh my god just go in and do your scene for christ's sake cut the tape just cut the tape and push her into the room

Mother, are you drunk? Yes. I got wasted in the speakeasy in the back of the hat store. I wonder if they were carrying Kathy Hilton's vodka or tequila. I know, right? What was that tequila called? Do you remember? It wasn't 818. It was Soul. It wasn't 818. Soul. Something like De La Soul or Del Sol or...

or I don't know. Give me your soul. So Lisa's like, you know what? I love everything. I love everything, but also a spicy margarita. And others like, yeah, me too. I just love the whole vibe in here. This is crazy. We're having a drink at a bookshelf. I,

I do believe that Lisa was not expecting this because if Lisa knew that this is what they would be doing, she would have called ahead and stocked their bar with Vita tequila and she would have done the whole, "I'll do a Vita spicy margarita, thank you." Like she normally does. I'm surprised that she didn't at least pretend and say, "I'll have the Vita spicy margarita," and pretend that they carried it. Because, you know, she probably, in her scene, she does that when she goes to Wendy's. She's like, "I'll do a baked potato and a frosty with Vita tequila in it. Thank you, Wendy!"

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So the bartender is like, "Hey, so you know what this is right here on my hat?" And Lee's like, "Whaaaaaat?" And Heather's like, "Is it a rattlesnake? Is it sushi? Is it finally some chopsticks? When are we gonna get a salmon roll around here?" Spaceships, bowling balls, I've never seen any of this before. Whitney pops her head in, "It's my vagina and you exploited it for your hat." But no, it's not. It's a raccoon penis. You know what?

Humans, we deserve what we get. I'm saying that to all humans. Even the humans who don't go cut off raccoon penises and turn them into hat things, a creature mall. Still, we're supporting it by not jailing people who do this. Who does that? That's horrible. What do you think raccoons feel like? And you know what happened to me last night? I heard noise. I thought someone was on my house, and I was like, that's it. I'm going to die.

And it was a raccoon in the trash behind. I opened the window. I said, you get the fuck out of here. And it ran. But then it came back and just looked at me like, you want to fuck with me? And for a second, I was like, this is why someone took your penis and put it on a hat. Little fucker.

because i just watched that episode you're like this is why your penis is gone but then instead of throwing stuff at him and going out there with the baseball bat to scare him you know i would never hit him i'm too i'm too terrified but instead i was like you know what raccoons go through a lot in this country and people cut off their penises and put them on really expensive hats and he deserves a break i was like you go can you get that old burrito at the bottom of that trash bag

Yeah, I feel like I have such a complicated relationship with raccoons because I feel like they are so cute. And I love how smart they are. Like, I really respect how smart they are. But I hate that, like, I believe that all of them are rabid and could kill me. They probably are. But, you know, it's one of those things, like, you know, you just need to respect them from a distance. Like, I don't know.

What are things you have to respect from a... I don't know. Just things you have to respect. What is it? A volcano. Yeah. You can think of them as majestic without wanting to climb inside of it. Either way, I think your point is a really strong one, which is who is the crazy fuck who killed a raccoon and then went back to chop off its dick? Not only to chop it off, but you did all the things to it to petrify it.

And then it's like, and guess what? Now someone's going to write in saying, actually, this is like an indigenous tradition. And you guys are being culturally incest. It's going to be the whole thing. That's the case. And just put out an APB. And instead of me calling someone a monster, let's just say this. Let's stop doing this. Everybody. Okay. Let's stop. Cross the board. A global movement. No more.

I'm not judging you now. No more Lorena bothering the raccoons. Whoever does it, I'm not judging you. Okay, take back the judgment because maybe it's culturally sensitive and I'm a good person. Why am I the bad person for not wanting raccoon penises to be put on hats? I'm not going to accept that. No, stop putting fucking raccoons. That's it. Just stop it. Ronnie, how are you enjoying your first few minutes of cancellation?

Can you imagine? That's what finally gets me. Rob Schneider's gonna be like, "See, you can't even joke about cutting off raccoon penises anymore. Am I right, everyone?" I'm like, "I give you guys multiple chances every day to cancel me, and this is what you get me on? Raccoon dick on hats? Come on." It is going to be. You're not only going to bring that into life. Let's just move on. I'm just pissed now. I'm pissed at everybody who's mad at me right now.

I'm, but you know who I'm not pissed at? You know who I'm happy for is that bartender. Cause I feel like she was probably standing behind that bar for like 20 years. She was like a robot that came to life. And she was like, you get to become a real woman the day that someone finally asks you about your raccoon penis on that. So,

Although she was the one who was like, you wanna know what this is? But like, I don't know, she sort of reminded me of like Hall of Presidents, like you, or like Five Nights at Freddy's, you walk in, the robot turns on, like, do-do-do-do, this is a raccoon penis. Here is your cocktail. What if someone kisses the raccoon penis and it turns into a full-fledged prince raccoon penis? Even weirder.

That would be a very interesting fairytale, because then people would be like, you know, instead of saying, I kissed a lot of frogs before I met you, be like, I kissed a lot of raccoon penises before I met you. Listen, it's no weirder than just killing a raccoon, taking his penis, and putting him on a hat. You know what I mean? And yes, I said it, and I'm standing by it. Okay, so then...

now they're gossiping, right? So Lisa's like, like, I missed you. I missed you on the trip. Like, I didn't like being there without you. I really did that. It was so uncomfortable. And Heather's like, um, I've just, I've never felt excluded like that. That was so crazy. Except when I got kicked out of the Mormon church. Just that. Oh, gosh. Just that.

Not even when I wore a Bolero jacket to a wedding did I feel excluded. They welcomed me. You literally wrote two books about being kicked out of the Mormon church. And she's like, I've never felt more excluded than not being invited to Palm Springs.

"Yeah, it was like super bad for me, I had to fly coach, so like I would actually say that it was worse for me. And like we also heard a totally different story from Bron-Wan." And Heather's like, "Really? About what? Why I wasn't there?" "Yeah, why you weren't there?" "Well, I would love to hear what she said. What was her version? Did she include that boring part of her house tour where I had to look at a whole bunch of Starbucks mugs and pretend like I was interested?"

And I know Lisa's going to be monsterized by everybody, but this is actually what she says. She says, well, when she was saying that she really wishes you were there, like she invited you into her home, but you said she was venomous and it didn't go well. I think that's a pretty nice way to relay information because she could have been like, she said you were stupid and ugly and probably have knock knee and your elbows have squishy skin.

And she didn't want you there because that's like a housewives way to say it, you know, but she was like, well, she does like you and she does wish you were there. So at least she's trying.

right and we do a cup we do a flashback to braun when at the pool doing that thing where she's like nodding her head she's like agreeing with herself as she like makes her point which is like heather also dropped some bombs in there about i'm two-faced and i'm conniving and like one big really big nod for this one and i mean don't like it right you know this was at her nod is like really and we've got meredith he's like a you know

a runaway train cart kind of a nod. And then we've got her, who's just like a very serious nod. And she does this thing with the Aubrey, Audrey, Aubrey is my niece. Love you, Aubrey. I love you so much. Audrey Hepburn. Um, it's so fitting because Audrey had that little pigtail thing and she does that. She has a pigtail and she, she wields it like a fucking sword. I'm telling you, she just, the way she bobs it at people. I'm like, you go Peggy, your bad-ass little pigtail. I ain't taking prisoners. This one. No. So,

So Lisa's like And when you left she was like in tears So I feel like it made things like really uncomfortable Especially when I called you From like the hot tub that we were in When everyone in the cast Except for you and Brittany were in the hot tub And Mary also but she didn't care about not being there So anyway we're in this like beautiful hot tub In this like the biggest mansion we ever had On one of these vacations Are you feeling excluded right now I'm so sorry So when Bronwyn came out she was like livid She was like over you

And then Heather, of course, twists it to be like, wait a minute. You have to put a pin in that. Not a real pin, a fake pin. Don't put a real pin. That would be silly. Okay, listen. If she's so sad about it, if she's mad that you called me, then why would she cry that I wasn't coming and she was so sad that I wasn't there? No, why are you taking it like that? She got mad that you called me because she was sad that you were an asshole to her and she couldn't bring you on the trip. Wait.

Retwisting it to make it sound like Bronwyn was saying something crazy. Lisa's like, it didn't make any sense to me. I was so shocked that Bronwyn had such a big reaction. Heather's like, well, because she's confusing and nothing she says tracks. And Lisa's like, yeah, okay, well, get this, get this. After we leave the hot tub, Bronwyn and Todd are like in the bar and he's like, to John. And he's like, hey, John, if Lisa doesn't fix things with Bronwyn, you guys basically need to go.

And Heather's like, I can't even believe that.

Like, go to the— Leave? Leave where? Go to the airport? And it's like, yeah, like, leave. And so Heather's like, oh my god, what did they want you to do? What did they want you to say to Bronwyn? What did you have to do? Did you have to sing for your literal supper? And Lisa's like, I don't think I could have done anything right. I mean, unless I was against you, I'm against her. Okay, but that was a dick move to call Heather. Would you do that? She was going to be walking right back out. I mean, it was a dick move. Lisa, come on now.

So speaking of Todd, we then go over to Bronwyn and Todd's house. And Todd's just sitting out on the porch. It's like a beautiful day. His arms are crossed like, I don't like these birds. Why are they always cawing? It's just the maddest little boy of all time. And she's like, well, it's really getting nice out here, isn't it? It's so nice. Look at how nice it is. And he's like, oh, is it? Do you enjoy global warming?

Yeah, it's getting nicer, but still chilly. So let's not cut. Let's just cut the crap and acknowledge it's still kind of cold out here. Thank you very much. It's cold even though the seas are rising. Have fun with your tsunami, stupid. So she's like, so Todd, what's going on? He goes, you tell me. Well, you're the one with your arms crossed and looking surly. This is my resting arms crossed surly face. I'm

I'm holding my nipples. I don't want them hitting my belly button today, all right? So sue me. Someone told me, Bomb Byletts haven't been on the market for 15 years. I was like, no, what are you talking about? I'm the CEO of that company that said, no, you're not, Todd. I was like, what?

back into the old office today and I said, boys, I got a plan. They're called wrist pilots. They called me old and told me to pick my nipples up off the floor. That's why I'm mad and I ain't gonna hide it. I told my CFO, I said, how about this? Why don't they try to sell the palm pilots to palm trees? There's a whole market right there branded for them.

Palm trees don't have opposable thumbs. Well, fuck them. Cut them all down. Stupid palm trees. Is that a raccoon without a penis down there?

I would do that to a raccoon! Todd, I need you to sort of focus. So, okay, well, I walked away from that trip feeling some kind of way about what's going on between Lisa and I, because, well, the ten years we've been together, I have never seen you act the way you acted this weekend. And I know we've known Lisa and John a long time, but for you to sit in that hot tub and scream back and forth with her is ridiculous!

And she's like, "You thought I was screaming?"

And he was like, I don't think you were screaming. I was there in the pool. Remember? The water started rippling from your voice. Jeez, your head was shaking so hard. I thought the hot tub was going to empty itself. And then they showed this shot of Todd in the pool. He's got one of those floaty wraps. It's like rubbery kind of thing that you would lie on. So he's holding it. He's perpendicular to it. And he has his feet coming out from below it. And he's doing this little...

Esther Williams kick. He's like, I was expecting him to put his hands up and like do a twist and like pop out of the water and do some like Busby Berkeley kind of stuff. Yeah. Like arms behind the head. He just needed a shower cap for sure. I know.

So then we get a flashback to the infamous, the now infamous, it's my responsibility to work it out, but when it's you and someone else, my ass better ride your dick like it's my job, Lisa. And so we cut back and he's like, what do you think that accomplished? Nothing. And she's like, I just...

Todd, I just... That's how you felt about... It was actually uncomfortable to watch because, you know, he is like a controlling, gross asshole to me. But that said... Gene, it's hard not to enjoy the humor of it because... It is funny. I mean, yeah. He's just a grumpy baby. But then I don't like that her reaction is like crying and being like, Todd, I just...

Todd's approval is everything to me. I was like, his Amex approval? Girl, if this was some poor 70-year-old fat guy yelling at you about being loud in the pool, he would not be sitting there. Give me a break. If this was a plumber, he would not be sitting there. So let's stop crying like it's Todd's approval, okay? The Amex is still going to go through. Just, I don't know, yell less when you're around Todd. What can I tell you? I, you know...

I felt like his reactions on the trip, I was not as put off. I thought he was being grumpy or whatever, but I was more put off by this. I was more put off because I don't like him saying, like, you have to act a certain way. And I also don't like him basically, like, she has a job and she's doing her job. And that's basically what she says. I understand why he's like, yeah, like...

You've never... I understand what it's like if you're like...

hey, you don't normally act like this. I think it's kind of like, why are you not sacrificing, but compromising who you are as a person to sort of embarrass yourself on reality TV? I get that. But also, you know that going into it. I'm sorry. Reality TV has been around for like 25 years now. So let's not be naive to the process. And this is the other thing. He doesn't want her to act

like an out of control woman on TV, right? He's like, they're pigs, basically. I mean, he doesn't say that word, but he's like, he says something like they're like so low class or he makes some comment like that. But this trip happened a few days ago, sir. And you're totally fine with holding this in and then just reading your wife for filth on camera. Like, why is that classy? Yeah.

Thank you. Great point.

you know, I think she deserves better. And I don't like it. I don't care how much fucking money you have. Nobody should have to put up with this. I don't think he's, and I don't like you putting up with it just because he does have money. I would like someone to be a little stronger and be like, well, I'm sorry, you don't fucking control me. But the fact that he's so, you know, I just don't like, I don't like the vibes all around, but especially from him, I think it's gross. Yeah. I, I don't find him to be a gross person, but I don't think,

think that this is fair of him to say to her. I think it's a little... I think it's condescending to her. So... But that being said, it's also funny because he's sitting there with his arms crossed. Like, it's like... Just a big old baby, you know? Like, that's like... I just like... Over the past week or two weeks, there's just been so much talk about like, Todd's a grumpy old man. Whether you like that, think that's funny, or whether you're appalled by it, like, that's the narrative. And then here he comes, fully...

Like, leaning into this image that people now have of them, like, meh. I'm okay with being mortified and entertained, and that is why I enjoy Housewives. It's a feeling I enjoy, so I'm going to just go ahead and revel in that for now.

So he's like, yeah, I've never, he's like, well, you know, you did what you thought was right. And I've just never seen you act that way. And frankly, it's not very becoming of you. And she goes, well, you didn't, you don't see why it goes that way. Like they all yell and they call each other dumb bitches. Dumb bitches, you just said it again. Why are you doing this? It's so funny.

- And I thought this was great how she explained it. She's like, "Don't you get it, Todd? That's what we're dealing here." They yell, they call each other dumb bitches, and they scream and yell. And he's like, "Well, that's fine. They can do whatever they want." And she goes, "Well, I don't know how to interact in that scenario, Todd." And he's like, "Leave with your dignity."

Which is kind of deeper, right? Because it's like, is he saying, what are we doing here? Are you really going to do this for your fame? Like, what are we doing? Fucking let's go, you know? And then this is where she cries and she's like, Todd's approval means a lot to me.

It might mean everything to me. So to not only be missing the mark, but to be on a totally different page from the mark is incredibly hard for me to hear. Well, you know what would be easier to hear yourself saying, oh, go fuck yourself. Okay. You've got about five years left on this earth. Let's make it pleasant, shall we?

Honey, you're not on a different page from me. You just have to press this arrow button and the Palm pilot rolls the next one. Listen here, Todd. Listen here, Todd. I'm the one who's going to have my finger on the machine. Okay.

in a few years it's coming close we could do this the easy way or we could do this the hard way okay so brahman's like but now i'm more like i'm like disappointed in myself that you're embarrassed at my behavior while they're sucking you into this this

This sewer that they live in of bullshit, and they've just got to step out of it. I've never seen you react this way, and frankly, it's kind of my thing to say frankly. Frankly, in fact, quite frankly, friends shouldn't bring out the worst in you. You're sewer-dwelling friends. But Todd, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are from the sewer. Well, that's an exception. But it's with you in the...

You've got Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just on you. What was the other time I mentioned that? You were talking about a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pizza set. On something. I forget what it was.

Because I went to a toy drive. I went to a toy drive and I bought a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pizza set for Marshall. Oh, right, the toy drive. That's what it was. And you're like, do you think they'll like it? And I was like, no, who wants pizza that you can't eat? But the listeners were like, I would love that. That's an amazing gift, Ben. So, you know, that was. Thank you. I was like, well, I'm wrong. I mean, I guess people like pizza they can't eat. Oh.

But, yeah, so he's like, and this, now this part where Todd's saying, I'd like, I kind of get Todd too, you know, and I think that's why people like him because it's not like he's speaking complete gibberish here. He's saying, please, you don't want to be one of these reality star idiots, do you? I thought that your whole, you promised me you weren't going to do this, you know, because I feel like she did. I feel like she's been, she's been threatening to come on this show for years and he,

she finally talked him into it and he's like well you're not gonna do this right like you're not gonna fight and scream and look so just don't embarrass me right that's probably what he said yeah and she's like you and he's so he's just like please don't do this stuff you could just see him it's like losing your it's like losing a loved one to addiction or something when you're just like please don't do this like I'm choosing this pipe over you mother and he's like

back. And it's like, no, it's too late. It's too late. She got a taste. I just sort of, I also just get the vibe with Todd that he's sort of

kind of like waspy a bit like maybe kind of like that like midwestern kind of like we don't do those sort of things around here it's not even a midwestern thing it's like across the country but like i kind of feel like his vibe is like that's just not the way we act and on about those things we don't say those sort of things so this is totally like out of his comfort zone and um he's

He's just like, this is very uncomfortable for him. And he probably, he was, again, he was like a CEO of a major company. He's like probably, you know, spent a lot of time in country clubs, in those worlds. And this is like, to him, these people are all just trash, which is kind of funny, um,

But I think you're right. I think that she probably was like, I'll go on. I promise I'm just gonna be fabulous. I'm not gonna... I'm going to... I'm not going to be the reality star that embarrasses us. I'm just going to just stand in my truth. And then now she's yelling in a hot tub and he's like, that's enough, young lady. Yeah. And so Bronwyn's still crying and she's like, you know...

he doesn't want me to show my emotions publicly, but you know, if we're really going to go all the way, Todd doesn't want me to privately show my emotions either. You know? I'm like, yeah, he doesn't. He wants you to behave yourself. I,

I think he thinks of himself as the person who's providing the money and you provide the wife thing and you behave yourself and do what he wants. And now that he's getting another taste of you, he's not liking that. He's not going to like that independence, you know? So good luck. This marriage is on its way. It's on its fucking way. Cause he's not going to just take, he's not going to lie down and take it. And she's not going to quit because she did get the taste.

She could be on the new cover of Snowfall if they brought that show back to FX. You know, just do like an oil paint and put her on a fucking bus stop because that's like the new star of Snowfall. She got her taste. I say put her on a reboot of Twin Peaks.

So she actually feels like she would be in Twin Peaks. She does. Yeah. Then the waitress. She could be a waitress at Peggy's. So Bronwyn says that she's going to brunch with the whole group. And she feels like it's going to be a lot because she knows that Heather's upset with her. And she and Lisa are in a weird spot. And he goes, well, maybe it's time to, you know.

"Cowboy up as they say and change!" She's like, "Todd, that doesn't apply to any of the situation, but I appreciate you trying to come back and finish the scene with me, thank you." You're the one that needs to change, buddy. You're the one that needs to cowboy up. You're the one that's fucking crying. "Kemo-sabi!" "Cowboy up? I thought this was another sushi restaurant! I just walked into a phrase!"

"Well, you know, I feel like I ended up in a good place with Broadman before I left the trip, like..." And she's like, "Oh my God, I'm just... I'm glad for that. And I'm not just saying that." And Lisa's like, "But I know that I was a good friend to you, too. Like, I wouldn't feel good about myself if I wasn't a good friend to the good-time girl." You know, she's like, "Okay, thank you, Lisa. But, you know, I wouldn't feel good about myself. I have to be good friends to you, too, Marilyn."

"My name's Heather." So Lisa says, "I don't want to be in the middle of Bronwyn and Heather, but Bronwyn put me in that position!" "And when she kept wanting me to speak for Heather--" By the way, Heather put you in that position when Heather went immediately and complained to you about your best friend.

So then she says, and I'm like, I'm glad that like Bronwyn and I got to a better place before we left Palm Springs. And I'm hoping they still can figure it out. So Heather's like, she is not going to come into this group of girls where we are foxhole friends. We have been through the fire. We went to places like Bermuda. We saw a friend go to jail. I said an iconic phrase that got repeated in Congress. We have been through it all. And now I'm in a great place with all of you. And I'm not going to let her come into our foxhole friends.

situation yeah we're foxhole friends okay

um so lisa's like well i don't think she gets that and heather's like oh she doesn't and i'm gonna teach her oh you're so scary so then um she had those like it cheers and then she spills her drink all over herself which i was like yes i love i love a nice badass scene fail like nice fall on your face on the end there so we go from this like petty ass scene then we go to angie's house

And for what winds up being, I thought, a fairly gutting scene of Angie, her dad comes over. She's like, hello, welcome to your favorite restaurant. My best customer. Come on, sit down. The waitress will see you soon. She's like, okay, Angie, we don't have to do the restaurant thing every single time I come over.

welcome to the mexican restaurant just kidding it is greek tonight our specials are tzatziki baklava and your daughter's love okay thanks so yeah first i was like i don't need this scene again because we had this scene last year where she makes her dad i think even the same salad and it has kind of the same conversation

let's be honest but um at first i was like i don't need it but you're right it really did turn into such a gut-wrenching scene she was talking about her mom and addiction and losing her mom to addiction and how she's still it's hard not to resent her mom for it you know when she passed that when she left them and it was really it was a real like i got a little i got a little choked up i'm not gonna lie i was like i cannot believe that angie k is choking me up

But I have to say, when she talked about how I was detangling Elektra's necklaces, and it was very difficult because they were covered in truffle oil. When she said that, though, and she basically was like, and I found this necklace that had an initial that was supposed to remind Elektra of my mother.

And when I saw that, I felt... And you think she's gonna say, like, I felt so connected to my mother. I remember how much I missed her. And she goes, I felt nothing. And I was like, wow, that's... That is... That was... That was like a... I felt that. I was like, ooh, shit. And...

You know, that's a hard thing to admit on TV because I think that most, like you probably are a little scared that you're going to feel like maybe like a monster for not doing it. But that was a really brutally honest moment. And I was like, wow. Well, yeah, because people get to a place with addiction discussion, especially where it's like, you know, it is an illness. And I have so much addiction in my family and my friend group and myself. You know, and there is something where it's like it's an illness. You don't want to speak badly of it. But it gets to the point where the people who are left there,

Picking up the pieces. It's like well, what do they get to talk about? Like when did they get to say that sucked? That sucked for my mom to just fucking abandoned me for drugs, you know, and she was saying in this like It's it's really her feeling was like how could you do this? You have your you have kids why can't you pull it together and but also while trying to understand that it was a mom who is raising a zillion children and

And then the dad was like, yeah, she wanted she just wanted children. And he said and she wanted multiple children. And then it got to a point where she was just like, what have I done? And he's just so honest and speaks it so plainly. And you can kind of see where this woman would would be coming from. But I feel like we're always putting so much understanding into them.

And not as much into the people that are left there picking up the pieces. And I thought it was pretty brave. You know, it was a pretty brave conversation to have. It was. It was very emotionally honest. And you see her really still struggling all these years later by saying, like, I want to forgive her. And she's like, I do forgive her. I do forgive her. But she's like, but I kind of don't forgive her. Like, you see this is something that is, like, a...

a deep part of her life. That's really kind of guiding her and with her that she's had to grapple her entire life. And it's just, it was so sad. And she, basically the scene winds up with her like sobbing. She's just sobbing into her father's arms and he's hugging her. It wasn't really like, it was like, Oh, it was, I was like, Oh my goodness, this, this woman living with this pain.

Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckas.

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