#2619 RHOSLC S05E09 Part One: Get Off My Lawn!
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Well, hello, and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast for all that crap we just love to talk about on GeoBrops. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben. Hello, Ben. How are you? Hi, Ronnie. You're so chill today for our big Salt Lake City episode. Oh, you know me.

Chill Ronnie. That's what they call me, Ben. That's what everybody says. Just chill Ronnie. Just chilling, coasting along in life. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. Salt Lake City Day. If you want to watch us on video, we both look gorgeous today. That's at patreon.com slash watch what crap means. You don't want to pay? We don't care. Go over to YouTube. You get it for free a week later, though.

Okay? So you're in a bit of a time warp over there. But still, you know, we're not haters. So go get it for free. You do have to pay for bonuses, though. But you know what? We have simplified our Patreon. Very easy now. One monthly fee. It's great. Go over and check it out. Patreon.com slash Watcher Cravens. Videos, bonus episodes, very exciting times. We also have Crappy Hour coming up this week or Monday, next week, I guess, the 18th with a special guest.

who we will announce later this week. Let's just announce it now. Kempire from YouTube. We're so excited to meet him. We've never met. And so we're super excited for this little partnership between

And so any questions you have for him, leave on comments of posts or whatever. We'll be reading them. Mondays, we always have a post like, what do you want to talk about? It's not a crappy hour. Crappy hours at 530 Pacific Time. That is the earliest time, 530. It's live on YouTube. It's also streamed on Instagram. You can find it easily for free on Patreon. Just go to Patreon. It's a free post for everybody. You don't even have to be a member. It's there. Okay. Everybody, welcome to the show. Ben, how are you feeling today?

jazzed. I, this episode of Salt Lake city was so good. So God, I watched it with my parents, which was fun because by the time it ended and it was a supersized episode. So it was a lot for them to sit through. I got the customary. I don't know how you watch this shit. Basically. That's what I got from them. It was so good. And I have to say, I mean, Heather, Heather,

I thought they were going to throw a bone to her. I thought, you know, we got a scene with Mary with her kid. And I thought, okay, for sure. We're going to see a scene of Heather dropping by the lab and laser working on her book, something to say like, Hey, she's still on the show. Obviously she's still on the show, but the fact that we saw nothing of Heather, this entire episode, this is a supersized episode that people are already saying is like the best of the season. So far cast trip,

Man, I feel like something is being said to us right now. What do you think? Heather's in deep shit with production is what I'm getting because she threw them under the bus with that black eye shit. And she threw the audience kind of... She threw everybody under the bus with that black eye shit. Like, here we go. Here we go. The big reveal. And then she's like, I think Jen did it, but I don't remember. Which, you know... And I don't know. Maybe it's backlash from the...

I was going to say money, tickets, passport from the maybe everyone's sick of her line that she keeps saying over and over. I really don't know. I don't know. Yeah, it is. But I'm surprised, too. I don't like that they left Heather out. I don't think that's cool. And I think the unspoken thing here in this episode and why Lisa is having problems with this chick, Bronwyn, is because Bronwyn's new to this. And you can't just be new and come in and tell all the OGs what to do and start kicking people out just because you're with her.

But Bronwyn is doing that, and she's doing it quite successfully. The audience loves her. So the OGs are kind of screwed at this point. They're going to have to fall in line because money talks. And people love it. They're like, she's rich. She wins. Yeah, the audience loves it. But also, I think Bravo loves it. Bronwyn has been front and center this entire season. This entire trip is Bronwyn. I was watching, and I was like, Bronwyn is the star of the show right now. She is amazing.

The number one, it seems like. And that's shocking. It's like, wow, this is in my mind, this has always been Heather's show. Like Heather's always been the number one. She's been the big dog here. She's been the one that everything's sort of centered around in a certain way. And yeah, this is like a shift right now.

I'm not saying that Heather is out or anything, but it's like, wow, this is not just like Monica coming in in like a blaze of chaos. This is someone who is like, oh, they've started a new era of the show, you know?

You know, look, I'm, you know, I'm not completely on the Bronwyn train. I like her. I think she was very well cast. I think she's too much on. She's too much front and center for not being fun. Cause to me, I'm still not having fun with her. I don't think she's funny at all. I think she's a stuck up white lady with too much money bossing everybody around. And when she doesn't get her way, she calls the manager and makes your life a hell. And she also does it with that smile. Like, Oh,

Oh, didn't I ask for this? Well, then like she's giving me that vibe. I know that this is not the popular opinion. Okay. I'm getting yelled at. I agree with you. Many people do. Really? Because people are like, yeah. But that's just how I feel. It's the vibe I'm getting. Not fun. Summer should be fun. You are not fun. Now, that said, I do generally like her. I just hate her.

Rich people coming in and bossing everybody around and everybody listening just because they're rich. It makes me fucking crazy. And I feel like Todd and her are both doing that. Todd's a fucking asshole. And I started on that last week. And this week was so solidified. I was like, thank you. Thank you for giving me this universe because what a dick that fucking guy is. So I'm not sure about these two. And I'm not sure about the audience overall.

all en masse giving them the kind of control that they're getting. This is too much power for newbies who don't know what they're fucking doing yet. And I think we all just need to calm down and give them a chance to flourish on their own without being like, you're amazing or you're terrible because I'm not saying she's terrible either. I just don't love the vibe of being like Heather Gay, Centra Snowflake last season. You are now on the back bench because you wouldn't kiss my ass and apologize.

Don't mind. Yeah. I think the Todd thing is interesting. I feel like based on the comments I read on social media all week and other places, it seems like people are sort of divided. Some people had definitely your reaction, which is like, he don't like the way he talks to Bronwyn. She seems to get small around him. He's a dick. He's grumpy. And then it seems to be like, there's another contingent of people that are saying, uh,

Yes, he is all those things, but we like him because of it. Some people seem to like that he's really grouchy, and people are calling him the Todd father, and people enjoy the surly... It's kind of like that Midwestern, pragmatic, that's just not the way we do things kind of vibe. And so I think it just depends. Some people are into it, some people aren't. I personally am amused by it because I just feel like I don't... I'm not...

I'm not at the point yet, although I leave the door open to it where I feel like he's being like, like, like there's something really fucked up in this relationship. But right now I just see him as a, as a grumpy older man and I'm okay with it. Oddly enough in this situation, I don't know why.

Even after he shuts her down at dinner in front of everybody, I was like, ugh. Well, I don't know. I mean, there are times when we watch these shows and the takeaway has been like, well, of course he's mad because he just wants to have an anniversary and she's making it into a reality show. And then there's times where the takeaway is like,

Like, he needs to get over it because, like, she's got a job to do. And so, like, I feel like we've sort of vacillated between those two reactions to these sort of reactions from spouses. And in this case, for some reason, I am... I'm just kind of like... It's striking me as like, yeah, well...

He wanted to just have like an anniversary party and everyone's like, everyone's screaming and he's got his friends here and he's like mortified right now. And I kind of like, I kind of get that in this situation. I'm not saying that I won't change my mind. Listen, as you always say, hypocrisy.

Hippocrate party. That's what we are. So I may change my mind. There's nothing to say. We, we have to agree, you know, right now to disagree. Yeah, no, I say that right now, like I have to be honest about my feelings. I have to be transparent. And my honest takeaway is that I just see Todd as someone who's like, I don't, I don't want to deal with these fuckers. These people are awful. Now that being said,

I definitely felt more awkwardness in their relationship during this episode, for sure. I was like, oh. Well, and that's most of my issue. It's not really that he doesn't like being awkward.

I mean, who could blame him? Really? My issue is, is the dynamic with his wife. I just don't like it. It makes me super, super uncomfortable to watch it. It just looks like bad things. And so to have everybody kind of celebrating it, like, oh my God, it's so hilarious. And there's this marriage where he's just a grumpy asshole to her. Isn't that funny? You guys, rich guys. Am I right? Like, no, why are we normalizing that? I just think it's so fucking obviously bad. I

I think it's like an obvious, it's like, to me, it's just such a clear cut, terrible situation that everybody's like, it's great. It doesn't mean funny. I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of like smiling, crazy people who like, not you. I don't mean you. I know I sound like that, but I just mean, I'm like, I don't get it. Cause I'm seeing it as so clear that I'm like, how is everybody not getting this? It's, it's making me nuts, but you know what? It is what it is. Um,

There are a lot of people who see it the way you see it. I'm telling you on social media, there are a lot of people who see it the way you see it. And then there are a lot of people who are just like, it's the Todd father. They are enjoying that is just like, you know what? Everyone shut up.

And, you know, there's probably also room for there to be a happy medium in there and there as well. But what I did think was interesting was that everyone knows Alan Dubois, Alison Dubois is not happy. So let's try to stop trying to make that happen. There should be a sad medium. Did you see that Bronwyn released like a statement ahead of the episode?

no what did it say oh my god it was like uh you know what like i wish you know i wish in that moment like i had not made so many like deprecating jokes uh that made it seem like our relationship is not good i wish i had said in that moment during the toast i wish i had said i love you so deeply and you're like the best and um

You know, she basically saying, I wish I didn't take that time to be jokey. I wish I took that time to actually be sincere about my, after that episode, after her husband publicly, it's shuts her down and humiliates her. She comes out with an apology. Do you see? That's what I'm saying. That is, that is a pattern.

That is often seen in abusive situations. Sorry, where someone is the one who's being treated like shit and their first response is to apologize to everybody around them for their behavior. Like they did something wrong. Girl, I'm not liking it.

Yeah. I think she, I think she, yeah, I didn't believe it or not. It did not strike me as like a, like abusive moment to me. It struck me as someone who had, I should be careful without language. Cause I don't mean abusive. I don't, I'm not accusing the man of abusing his wife. I'm just saying in an emotionally, I'm saying that there might be like emotionally odd power dynamic there. And that, that,

someone like that can lean towards emotionally abusive. That's what I'm, I guess there. Yeah. To me, it just, to me, it struck me as like, he really didn't want to make this anniversary fodder for TV. He agreed to it. And then it like went worse than he could imagine. And she was like,

And cause she didn't think it would be this bad. And she feels torn between like not wanting her husband to have an awful time on their own anniversary versus also wanting to do her job. And so that's how it kind of read to me. Um,

This is awkward. I've just looked up her statement. Happy meat-iversary, Todd. So this isn't your anniversary. This is the anniversary of when you met? No, it's the anniversary of when they first had meat together. They ordered some brown beef. You fucker. Happy hot dog-iversary, Todd. I hate that I put you in a position where you were uncomfortable on this trip and not able to be your best self. And I hate that I had a part in showing our relationship as anything but what it really is. Yeah.

Yes, sounds great. If you have the need to make a public apology to your husband for not even doing anything bad, then it doesn't sound like it's going great. Sorry. What a wonderful 10 years of fun, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I regret my awkward attempts at using the self-deprecating humor in a toast on such a special night. What I should have said then was I love Todd deeply. He makes me laugh. He pushes me to be my best. Yeah. Side note, who knew Coach was so bad? Oh, please. Yeah.

Hi, everybody. Here's a first-class, you know, here's a private plane to impress everybody. Now go home on Southwest. Bye. It is Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, don't forget. But I forgot what I was going to say. Something about... Well, here's one thing. Let's also not forget that in the first episode of the season or the second episode...

Bronwyn was with Todd in their house and I forget what it was, but she was like, Hey, do you have like a banana? She like, he was like, Oh, you're going to need some tape for that. She goes, yeah, it's upstairs. And he went all the way upstairs, whatever it was he got and came down. Oh no, she didn't even say it like that. She said, you're really going to make me go upstairs and get the tape. And he was like, yeah. And he buzzed off to get the tape.

Which to me, I'm like, the reason why I'm saying that is like, you know, I think that there may be. That's a sign that there are different areas where they do power things to each other. Yes, that's true. That's a good point. Yeah, that was another point of seeing that. All right. Well, you know what? We're going to have hours. And by the way, let me just say, wasn't a great night for any of them out on this show. Really? None of the husbands had the most stellar of episodes. I mean, wow. And I was a great point.

This was like a Jersey episode in a way where the men were just so messy and gross. Like, wow. I was really surprised. And who knew the little muscular, most likely gay one had an in him? I mean, who saw that coming? Sean, you go, girl. Damn. I didn't like that. I didn't like it. Yeah. The guys were a little unhinged. I mean, who would have thought Justin was the one who would have come off the best in the episode of all people?

So why don't we dive into it? So we are here. He's looking more and more like Droopy Dog every day, isn't he? You know that cartoon character, Droopy Dog? I love him. The elevator guy? Yeah, the elevator opens and he just says, I better tell you he didn't go up. He's just not going to be you because this building's for me. He better go up. I'll tell you what, you're not going down. Let's be damn sure. This is mine, bitch. This is mine.

I feel like Dorinda would love Droopy Dog in her building. I feel like she would defend Droopy Dog to the dash. Like, you know, you say hi to Droopy Dog. He works in the elevator. He brings you up and down every single day and you can't say hi? What sort of person are you? You can't have some respect for Droopy Dog. You better get some fucking respect. All right, Palm Springs, here we are. We pick up where the last episode left off. John had just told Lisa if she doesn't chill, they'll have to leave.

Because Todd said so. So he's like, you know, let's just walk out of here because the walls are kind of thin, honey. I don't want anyone to hear us. And she's like, this is so uncomfortable for me. This is so uncomfortable. Did you just come out? I'm so uncomfortable. Yeah. You know what? The walls are kind of thin in this room. Let's go sit outside in a public space where our voices can carry it to the rest of the house instead. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm also I know that this whole thing I'm like, God, that's emotionally abusive and I don't like how the men are behaving. This is sexist. So what I'm going to say is just going to win me a hypocrite of the year medal. And I'm willing to accept it because I can't not say it.

Lisa Barlow's Tatas. Wow. Who saw that coming? I've never seen those before. I was obsessed with her Tatas this whole episode. I was like, those things are amazing. Where'd she get those? I mean, I'm assuming she got them somewhere. Where do I get them? My God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jack found like the best breasts, the Michelin star breasts and Cartagena. They're like amazing.

Those are some A-plus boobs. Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. What a gorgeous lady. Wow. Okay, so, yeah, they go sit on the patio table, and Lisa's like, what happened? This is so uncomfortable. This is so uncomfortable. What?

This is like sitting in coach on a one-hour flight to a different area. And John is like, well, it seemed like you guys were all getting along for a second in the hot tub. And then all of a sudden it went sideways. And it's just like weird for me to see you and Bronwyn not get along. I love Bronwyn. I love Bronwyn. I love her so much. Sorry, I have to say that. Otherwise, I don't know, people. You know what? I don't know. You're all right over there.

No, I'm not. I am not okay. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crap-N's commercial.

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Here's the problem. There's one common denominator between Bronwyn and Andrzej. Whitney! This is on Whitney's farm! That fucking little Whitney! And John's like, well, you should have a conversation with Bronwyn, but with no one else. She goes, okay, no one else will be around. I'll do it at dinner when everybody else is around. He's like, good idea.

It's like, yeah. Just want to reemphasize, do it alone. Just you two together at a very small table in a tiny room where there's no other people. Got it. That's exactly what I will do. You will see. At dinner with everybody. Okay, but just don't not in front of Todd because he's going to get really upset and kick us out. I can't wait to fight in front of Todd. Oh, my God.

Okay, lady, you have it your way. No, sorry, I know that's not the fast food you like. She likes Wendy's. What's Wendy's slogan? I have a daughter. She's got red hair. Don't make fun of her. Stop making fun of my daughter. I think their slogan is baked potatoes. They're always out of that shit. Don't trust that. Never have baked potatoes. You know what else they don't have here in California? At least the Empire location, which is, of course, where I go, because that is where the Lowe's is.

and the Target and the Marshalls. I mean, that's just like a cornucopia of amazing stores. The Nordstrom's rack. So that's the one I go to. But I go to the Wendy's and I just want to eat a bean burger. I've never had the vegetarian burger there. They've got a curry bean burger and they've also got some other kind of vegetarian, some kind of plant burger there.

They never have them. Why don't they have those? Come on, California. You are the hippiest, dippiest, you know, tree-hugging place on the planet. I want my bean burger. Get it, Tina. Yeah, that's a travesty that Wendy does not have those square bean burgers. Little ginger asshole. Yeah, yeah. Well, you can get a prostate at least. I like that being the slogan of Wendy's. You leave my redheaded daughter alone.

Sounds like Todd. All right, well, let's go have some lunch. I've got a call to make on my Palm Pilot. Well, we're going to see if it goes through. Todd, they don't have cellular data. What the hell? They do have cellular data. What are you talking about? I invented this shit. I may as well be a chocolate cake because you're about to get a piece of me, you little kid. Todd, why are you climbing on that tree? Because it's a palm and I'm the pilot. Let's take off.

Oh, gosh. Okay, so now lunch is being prepared outside by the staff. And Lisa's like, I really don't want to leave this trip, are I? I came here to celebrate Todd and Bron-Man. That's what I want to do. I want to fix things with Bron-Man and move forward. I don't want the rest of the trip to feel like this. Do you know why? It's uncomfortable. Hmm.

So they all sit down at this long table and Bronwyn's like, I think there's like nothing else we can do next after a contentious morning other than sit down and break bread together. Bon appetit. I was like, well, you are failing your freshman season here because you mentioned the B word bread, which is a no-no on the Real Housewives. Yeah. Bread breaks bones, biatch. Break bread, break bones. Hey, Bronwyn. Bronwyn, John said that we should have a, we should talk to

alone. So I'm going to do it right here at this table full of 10 people. Okay. Hey, I

I wanted to talk to you. Yeah, because we didn't get to finish our conversation. Yeah, because you stormed out and cursed me out, which was really not nice. Anyway, I think with Heather, I don't think there was anything to defend. I feel like she was just expressing her feelings. It's just like, it's hard to have a conversation with you about that because these are her feelings on a situation that you have with her. Okay, do you understand what I'm saying here? Also, Wendy's has bean burgers now in the shape of squares. Isn't that cool? Yeah.

You know what? It's different because we're talking about Heather is expressing her feelings, but Whitney's outright lying about me. I am not lying about you, Lisa. You're dead. You lied. I am not lying about you. I'm telling you the information. I was... What? What? You were what? Told, honey. Told. Is that right?

When Lisa pivoted out of nowhere from this like, hey, I just want to make things good with you, Bronwyn, and then was like, you know, when people lie, like Whitney, and Whitney's at the end of the table like, huh? What? I didn't know I was supposed to be arguing in this scene. Wait, I'm not supposed to argue for four more lines. I didn't hear my quee. Quee, honey. My queue. What does that mean? The line before your line. Oh. Well, LGBTQ.

Listen, I got what Lisa was saying because Bronwyn's argument – and listen, I know it's going to sound like I'm a Lisa apologist, but I kind of am in this because I'm like, why are you all going for Lisa this hard? I don't get it because I got what she was saying.

She was Bronwyn is saying it's not fair because I always stand up for you. Like, I have to ride your dick like it's my job and you don't stand up for me. And she's like, well, I'm not standing up for you against her feelings because that's she's just saying how she felt. Whereas you're not standing up against me when Brittany's blatantly lying against me.

I guess. I think that Bronwyn's point is like when Heather is saying that I'm really two-faced since you've known me for like 10 years or whatever it is, and I'm also richer than you, by the way, I take you on a private plane and I'll put you on coach going back.

Like when she says that, why don't you say, I know you have this view of her, Heather, but actually get to know her. I think you're going to really enjoy her. You guys got off on the wrong foot. And she's not doing that. And part of the reason why she's not doing that is because Lisa has a bone to pick with Bronwyn. Because Lisa does not like that Bronwyn invited Whitney and Justin onto this trip.

And Lisa feels like she was not considered, although when we saw the flashback, we felt like Bronwyn did kind of consider Lisa.

It's a shit show. Well, but she didn't say she expected Bronwyn not to invite Whitney on this trip. She was mad. As I recall it, she was annoyed because Bronwyn called her and was like, are you guys going to be okay if you come on this trip? Because Whitney is coming. Is that going to be okay? And she's like, what is she, like, accusing me of having a fit or, like, not being able to? Right. It was an interpretation. Which, by the way, is hilarious because Lisa's done nothing but throw fits.

Yes. It was actually both things, Ron. Because you do. All the time. All the time. Watch the rest of the episode. It was two things. One thing, Lisa felt like Bronwyn did not check on her at the mafia party. Remember, she's like, did you even check on me after that? And then we saw that Bronwyn sat down like, are you okay? But then she also felt like when Bronwyn called...

Bronwyn was accusing Lisa of being like, you guys aren't going to be like wild animals, right? Like you were at the party. But my interpretation, and I think this was your interpretation too, but it's okay if it wasn't, was that Bronwyn was saying, hey, that's cool. Everything's cool with you guys now. Things have simmered down. But Lisa took it as like,

you're not going to act like a monster, are you? Because you're a wild, out-of-control woman and husband. Yeah. So it's all about interpretation. It's all a fucked-up situation that is actually remedied. It's just too dramatic. All Lisa needs to do is say sorry, and all Bronwyn needs to do is stop demanding the right fucking apology. And you know, here's another reason she's getting on my nerves.

because she's acting like Eileen in Beverly Hills. This is clear Eileen strategy where it's just like, I'm exasperated by everyone's behavior at all times. And then if any slight against her, she's like, well, I need a better apology, but you didn't really apologize to me, did you?

Well, I think that could have been better. Was that even an apology? And then it became two seasons of her needing an apology the right way. And that's going to make me nuts. It's already making me nuts. Yeah, I think this is going to be her fatal flaw. And I think that next season when the audience inevitably turns against Bronwyn, because that's just the way it goes, it's going to be like, you know, I'm sort of over her. She's always wanted an apology, always wants this or that. And this is going to be the thing. This is going to be her Ecclesia. It'll be the turn.

So I guess we're just seeing the little seeds of it now. Because, you know, as much as I've been saying, I'm not sure yet. This is the first episode where anything for me was solidified with the like, well, was that really an apology? Where I started getting like, okay. All right, lady. You're testing me. Okay. So then. Yeah.

Yeah, so then, and Lisa's not going to do that. I mean, but also, Lisa just needs to apologize sometimes. It's like, fucking A, man. Just say you're sorry, bro. Like, it's going to kill you to just say you're sorry. All Lisa has to say is, you know what? It was my bad when Heather was, like, I should have actually, you know, defended you. I should have actually, like, reminded Heather why you're actually really awesome. But she didn't. But the other thing is that, like, she, ugh.

I can't. It's too much. We'll go over it again a million times. We have a whole episode that this is going to be popping up on. Yeah, it pops up literally 20 times. Wait, wait. I'm in an argument. Q. Okay. Yes, Whitney? It's a fight. It's a fight we're in.

So now it's a fight of Whitney and Lisa. Like, did Whitney lie about Lisa? And Lisa's saying yes. And she's like, I'm not lying about you. I'm telling you the information I was told. And she's like, you didn't ask me your truth, man. And you said you had proof. Well, I want to see the proof. I want to see the proof because I didn't die. I didn't die. I sat down calmly and you started crying and yelling and running around and charged at my husband and incited my husband into it.

Look how excited. Are you okay? He's so excited. He just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control. Anyway. So Lisa's like...

He's like, oh, charge your husband. I think your husband's capable of taking care of himself. Thank you very much. And as a matter of fact, my husband would never talk to a woman the way your husband talked to me. To be fair, though, he also just doesn't really talk.

And Ron was like, well, I could have sworn I was about to get an apology from Lisa. And I still want that apology. But it just takes Lisa so long to get an apology. By the time we almost get there, someone else is mad at her about something totally different. I just...

I may never get this apology. And she smiled. It's like the mixture of her face tensing so much and her neck tensing so much. And then the way she's doing her eyeliner with just like one streak of eyeshadow in the center of her eye. She looks insane. And she's that big, muppety, like...

frilly orange tribe outfit. She looks insane and she's trying to look like, I'm just chill. I'm just fun. But she's like, I may never get that apology. Your head's going to pop off.

So Whitney's like, I just felt, I felt very, very uneasy. Oh yeah, I'm sure you felt so uneasy. Like I felt when your husband's like, fuck, fuck, fuck to me. He's like, I did not say fuck, fuck, fuck to you. Yeah, you were like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, get your fucking hands off of me. To John, yeah, you did that. Remember when he flopped into you and you were like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And he was like, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop. It was awful. Yeah.

Todd's like, I'm going to go sit in the other room because guess who's not fighting there? Nobody. I watched the whole thing. I saw it on TV. What? We haven't aired yet. Oh, listen, I watched the whole thing. How do you deal?

How do you deal with a liar? That's what I said. And Justin's like, you're so crazy. No, you're crazy. Whitney, where's the fucking proof? Who's going to bring it? Are one of these horses going to come running in with the proof? Because, you know, horses have hooves and hooves are like proof. Isn't that funny? They both have the same letters almost, but they sound totally different. Burn.

It was so funny because then they cut to the horses just grazing. It's like, are you going to get those horses to bring proof? She's like, there's more proof in my tequila than what comes out of you. This is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. I really wish I'd come up with the tequila thing before the horse thing. That was a better one. Just spitballing here.

So John's psychologist feels like nonstop. Lisa breathes, she did something wrong. Lisa sneezes, she did something wrong. What's next? Whose turn is it to yell at Lisa? I can't get this gosh darn radio with visuals on it to turn on. Lisa!

That's a television, stupid. I didn't touch it. Yeah, my ass you didn't. I want to know who took my Werther's originals. So Lisa, it was you? Yeah, actually it was me. So John's like, okay, everyone rewind, rewind, be kind. Ask Lisa, did she do it? Just ask the question. Ask it.

Okay, with a question mark at the end, Whitney, because I know you need all the guidance. Did she do it with a question mark? Well, okay. No. There. It's done.

Yeah, the answer is no. And John's like, the end. And Bronwyn's like, oh, who knew we needed just John Barlow to tell us that's the end and it would be all up to us to just bow down, you know? All we need is a man to come over and solve our silly little women's problem. Isn't your husband the one like, damn these screaming women, I'm going inside. You're not really the soapbox stander, ma'am.

So she goes, yeah, all we needed was a man to come in and solve our silly women's problems. The end. Hey, you better shut up with your women's problems out there. I can't even watch this murder she wrote this idiot can't figure anything out. How does it take you an hour to find out that your neighbor wasn't guilty after all? Goddamn moron. Whatever happened to Leslie Nielsen anyway? And then I just love...

the episode just ends. They start rolling the credits. They're like, yeah, and it just starts the credits. But then it comes back and

And John's like, Whitney, did you lie? Did you lie about anything to Lisa? Never. I never lied about you. I may have said mean things I felt at the time, but I never, ever lied about you. Which is hilarious because Whitney literally lies about everybody every season. And they showed a montage of her getting blasted by every single person on the show at the beginning of the season. And Whitney's like, me? I don't lie.

I sleep sitting in a chair.

You've exploited my vagina. Yeah. So Whitney's like, well, I guess. So John says, Lisa's never lied about you. She's never lied about anyone at this table. And she's like, well, I'm going to have to sit with that. Has Lisa lied about anybody at the table? I'm trying to think if she's ever been caught telling lies about anybody. No, it's so hard because I kind of feel like everyone on this cast tells little lies or half-truths. And it's been so many seasons that at this point,

I just, I can't tell. I can't tell anymore. Well, guys, I think this is getting a little stale. So let's have another husband pipe in. So Sean comes in and he's like, didn't she tell somebody you're a fucking bitch though, Angie? And she's like, yeah, she told me. Okay, well, that's not lying. And that's a separate situation. And if a bunch of women are fighting at a table and one calls the other one a bitch, is that really the worst thing, Sean? Girl, please sit down. Sit this one out, Sean. This isn't about you with your stippled on hair.

Okay, sit it out. Well, it's borderline abusive. I mean, I've been privy to conversations between the two of you and really, you know, taken aback by some of the abuse my wife has taken on the other end of that phone call. I mean, I think I heard that phone call. It was a big mattress. You can only hear a few words over the crest of the pillows in between us.

I tried to listen in, but it was long distance charges and I'm trying to save the pennies. Dang. So Lisa's like, okay, okay. Oh, okay. Well, you know what? I'm not abusive to her. And why is her husband talking to me? He's lucky I can see him over the table. Hey, can someone bring him something to color? So he's, he's, he's, he's, he's entertained while we have lunch. Yeah.

Maybe one of the horses could bring it in with the proof. Ha ha ha, horse call. Hey, horse, you got a word scramble over there to keep the little one busy.

You know what? I'm on the other end of that, and I'm thinking to myself, why the fuck do you let anybody treat you like that? Okay, you know what? I have a different way of speaking, and if you guys clearly don't understand me, and if I have hurt you, I am sorry. And you know, like, Bronwyn was like, well, wait, Sean just gets an apology just like that? I'm still working on my one from this morning.

But it was also the worst apology you can give, right? If I've ever done anything, I'm sorry. Like the blanket. I'm sorry that you're all wusses, okay? And so everybody just pauses. And Seth's like, well, two really important questions. One, I've always wanted, oh, no, Seth. He's like, two really important questions. One I've always wanted to know is just me. How many people eat asparagus, smell in their urine, and then jerk off thinking about Whitney's knockers?

Everyone's like, me. And Meredith's like, everybody feels that way. Okay, the next thing is, who's up for some beach volleyball? And they're like, yeah, yeah, beach volleyball. So now we go over to Mary's house in Salt Lake City. And so Mary goes into Robert Jr.'s room where he's in bed with his quote unquote wife, Lex, and

And Mira's like, so what's going on? When was the last time you picked up? And the camera's just showing all the shit all around the room. And he's like, probably like an hour ago. She's like, her eyes were flaring. Like, oh God, it's so messy in here. This is really gross. This scene is really upsetting. I'm surprised they put this on camera. It's weird. And I know it's a reality show and all that. You want to show everybody's life, but...

i don't know it's weird like the kids clearly just right him and the girlfriend are really high on something and downers whatever it is like a lot of downers either benzos you know

whatever, who needs to specify it? It's downers, it's bad. I don't know why it's on TV, except to show that Mary is just like completely at her wit's end, but she's also blaming herself. And it's kind of the typical, I don't mean that in a mean way, like, it's not typical. I just mean anybody who's been through addiction or addiction with a family member knows this song and dance, which is like the whole blaming yourself and

And maybe, you know, there is some enabling stuff, you know, who knows? There's usually an enabler in there, but ultimately, yeah, this kid's going to need to be dealt with. Cause this is good. It was on TV. I thought it was good and not in an exploitive way. I think it was good to see a little bit more in Mary's life. Mary's been sort of like a cartoon character, you know, she's just this person who says crazy things and just like has incredibly rude moments and then incredibly hilarious moments and,

And it was good to see like a little bit more into like her vulnerability. I know that you don't like that word necessarily, but like that from your time on. I don't like the word. I just don't like the lifestyle. Oh, yeah. From Bachelor. Well, that's a little bit different because that's vulnerable. It's spelled a little different. But I thought it was actually moving seeing Mary saying that she feels like she's losing her son to something.

And she just feels like she can save him if she could just get to him. I'm sure there are probably a lot of parents who have actually that have been through that or going through that. And I thought it was a sad scene, but I thought it was good to see a little bit more of what Mary struggles with.

And she's basically just like, are you going to do anything? Are you going to get out of bed? Are you going to do anything? He's like, eh. And then the girlfriend's just completely out of it. They're eating in the bed. The girlfriend's giving her looks like, why are you even talking to us? Yeah.

And then Mary is like, well, I just want something for you. I don't want just I just don't want to see you waste your life and become nothing and let this take over you or whatever she's saying to him. And the girlfriend reaches for something. I don't know if it's to hide it or if it's a vape, if she's going to start vaping, but she reaches for some blue thing on the bed and then he reaches out and covers her hand like keep it down.

And I was like, what are they doing? What the fuck is going on? I kept rewinding it to see if I could figure out what that little blue contraption was, but I couldn't see. I'm assuming it was a vape, but

Either way, Mary's trying to, you know, she's like, she says, like, like, I feel like I'm talking to two little babies and you're like, not prepared for the world that's out there. And I want you ready, Robert. I don't care about you, Lex, but I want you ready, Robert. And I want you ready for that. And like, I don't think you are. And he isn't. I mean, that's really.

It's sad. And I think we've seen a preview for the mid-season preview that they're going to have an emotional moment coming up.

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We then go back to Palm Springs where Bravo presents Salt Lake City Top Wives and a Top Gun logo. So they play this like royalty free, like Highway to the Danger Zone kind of music while everyone is doing a Top Gun style volleyball game.

Yeah. So then after volleyball, Bronwyn's like, well, I would go to the opening of a can of tuna fish if I was invited because I love a party. So we're going to have a party for me and Todd's anniversary. With tuna fish. It's actually just going to be a very tuna fish focused party. I hope everyone's down for it.

So, um, John's like, well, I guess we're not getting kicked out of the house then. And she's like, no, no, I feel much better with my mind. And you know what? Like even basically with Sean and Angie, like, I don't know. Cause the issues changed so many times. And you know what? I forgot to tell you, but when I was with Heather and Meredith at the spa and Meredith was like, oh my God, I think I've got salt in my eyes. And I was like, oh my God, I got salt in my tea. And she was like, oh my God, I've got salt in my butt crack. I said, why do we have to keep coming to spa places with salt? Yeah.

By the way, the Lisa and Angie thing is like, it's so bizarre because I feel like they are now, they hate each other now because of the comments about the kids. But the thing that led to the comments about the kids was just like,

It was based off of nothing, right? It was just like that first party. And Lisa did not like that Angie was being friendly to Whitney, essentially, right? And then Lisa's like, you're not being a good friend to me. And Angie was, they basically accused each other of not being good friends. Like, it's basically like a rift built on bullshit. And now it's a real rift. Yeah. So it's like, it's wild. Yeah.

That's reality TV, you know? And especially on this show, because this show, the risks are mostly built on nothing, and they just eventually start believing them, you know? Yeah. Especially Angie, because you know Angie's always trying to get into a fight, you know? She's like, time to work! So she's always trying to get into something with somebody. And she got it. She got it with Lisa, so have fun with that.

So basically everybody's just, oh, she's telling John that Meredith was saying that her feelings were still hurt about Sean because he'd never apologized for saying that she used her son to get sympathy in the war against his gayness, against Sean's gayness, which I think she kind of did do, but well, she at least used it into the, in the fact that she was like, well, I have a gay son. Why would I do this to a gay? But,

But I mean, I don't know that that's the worst crime in the world. Yeah. I, yeah, I, I don't know. Yeah. It's that, that whole thing is also kind of like, I can't believe you guys are fighting about this right now. So keeping track of the fights on the shows that are current, but then going back to the old ones that were also built on sand, it's all, it's really hard. It's mind. It's mind gelling. Like it turns my mind to like jelly.

So now we go to Whitney and Justin who are getting ready and she's like, things are so awkward with Lisa. She hasn't spoken to me since lunch. It's been four hours. Normally people are like, it's been, I haven't gotten a phone call in three weeks. She's like, it's, it's been 90 minutes and she hasn't talked to me. It's so awkward. But also she was just out there having fun with you and laughing with you. Why are you such a weirdo?

And Justin's like, well, is there any hope there? Because, you know...

vitamins and jewelry. Yeah, exactly. Buy it now. Just read my hat. Where to buy them? Yeah, right. Well, I believe my source fully. Really? Your source that says you're full of shit and a total liar and making everything up? That's interesting. And she's like, I believe him. How do I move forward and trust Lisa? Because that's the problem. Because she's never going to admit it. And I don't know how to trust her. But I just feel like I have to see how it goes. Because, like,

Do I trust her? But like, what if I'm nice to her, but then I don't trust her, but then when I trust her, but I'm not nice to her, like, how do I mix it? Justin's just like falling asleep. Justin, please stop talking, please.

Whitney having an existential crisis is just hilarious. I don't know if I have two fucks left to give. Okay. Well, don't overheat over there. So then everyone's now Bronwyn is putting on this $4 million necklace, which I don't,

I do not believe that they actually bought that. I feel like it's just a rental. Like, they could not have bought it. I know that Bronwyn buys her own shit, but not a $4 million necklace. You cannot tell me that Todd was down with a $4 million necklace. And then, now everyone shows up to this dinner party. There's like a mariachi band playing and everything. And everyone's like, wow, this is a very cute dinner party. Where's the mariachi band? But I don't see a bathtub. Oh, but that's fine.

And then, you know, some other friends of Bronwyn and Todd are there. And is this where Todd makes a comment about the tequila? Yeah. Those people own a tequila company. A mediocre one. Tequila shit.

Even the worm doesn't want to get drunk on that. Last time I saw a bottle of Vita, the worm was trying to crawl out of the top. So we meet all these people. There's Todd's lawyer, and then we do a flashback of Lisa on the phone with all of her lawyers and everything. And everyone's sort of like getting into... They're all getting settled in, and Whitney's like, Hey, do you see what Seth is wearing to dinner tonight? It's a Meredith Marks hat.

We see that Seth is wearing a baseball cap that says Brooks marks. But as someone who is hawking prism jewelry wherever you can, I don't think that Whitney's one to talk. No kidding. At least there isn't an MLM, you fucking weirdo. So Bronwyn's like, well, I know that Lisa's eyes are drawn to my necklace.

But I wish they would be drawn to an apology because it would be really nice. We've already catered this dinner. But if I had a waiter here, I would say, can I order an apology from Lisa Barlow? It probably still would never come. It probably still wouldn't.

So Bronwyn and Todd address everyone, and she's like, guys, we are so excited you guys are here. Should we sit? Should we have dinner? Should maybe one of you apologize to me? I don't know, just thinking out loud. So many options of where this night could go, right? So there's a big letter, as it say, R-T-B-A-N. And Whitney's like, yeah, yeah.

We should ban retweets, because they're unfair. I don't know what to do with retweets. I mean, am I okay with them? Am I not okay with them? I'm not sure if I have two bucks left to give. I was like, wow, you're really having a lot of existential crises tonight, Whitney. It doesn't mean retweet. What are you, a bird? Well, what does it mean then? He's like, well, I'm R-T-B.

And she's your R.T.B. Did an animal bite you? Did you get a shot? You could die from that. Not rabies. I love Star Wars. Not R2-D2. R.T.B. R.T.B. R.T.B. I don't even know my letters anymore.

So what does that mean? Robert Todd something? And then she's like, and Whitney's like, and then Bronwyn Newport is like, ding, ding, ding, winner, winner, chicken dinner, goddamn moron. So then we see that they spell out Richard Todd Bronwyn Allison Newport.

But, you know, you guys need you need some work on your slogans. Let's just say that no one's going to hashtag that shit. You know what I mean? Work on it. Is it is his name Richard Todd? Is his last name Todd? Are we just calling him by his last name all this time? We like, hey, what's up, Todd? That's really his last name. Is it like Ken Todd? I'm so confused.

So anyway, people sit down at the table and everything. And Andrew's like, Todd's got another 10 years out of you with that thing. Ha ha ha. Nice necklace. I'm Greek. And she's like, Brittany's not wrong. I'm willing to do almost anything to stay with Todd. And like, ha ha ha ha ha.

And Angie's like, well, she says something like, well, it's not, I mean, I didn't, she said, I'm not really willing. No, she says, I'm actually not really willing to do anything. It's not like I offered him like a lifetime subscription to the BJ club. And Angie's like, yeah, but you're going to kind of have to give him a lifetime of BJs for that.

And she's like, well, lucky for me, Todd travels a lot. So heck one BJ goes a long way. Isn't that right? Yeah.

Lisa Barlow, you slut. Let's fight. So then Bronwyn's like, everyone's having their food and everything. And it's like cold. It's really cold out. So they're all getting cold. And Bronwyn's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it is cold. It's like miserable, but it's beautiful. Kind of like, you know, an analogy for Todd and I's marriage.

It's miserable but beautiful. But at least I get a nice necklace out of it. It's not a pearl necklace, though, if you know what I'm saying. No, but I adore Todd. I adore Todd. I don't want to bore everyone with all the reasons because I don't really have any reasons. Am I doing a stand-up routine right now? I can't tell. Todd sucks. Am I right, everyone?

And she's like, well, I could tell you all the things I love about Todd because there's only two. So I'm just kidding. There's too many things. And he lifts up the black card. She goes, if he's going to show his black card again. And he does. So this is their thing where he's like, here's why she loves me. A black card. And she's like, well, there's just, I mean, don't take out your black. He took out his black card. That's funny. Yeah.

And Meredith is like, look, I don't know much about Radley or Todd or Allie, but I do know that there's, I don't know, there's something there. There's a mild tension there. I say mild tension, but I don't even know if that's the right word. It's tension that's never had a bath. It's tension in a shower-only room, if that makes any sense. I'm not really sure I'm going to put my finger on it, so I'm just going to shake my head for a minute.

It's the sort of tension you feel when you watch someone trying to pull up Google Maps on an old Palm Pilot that actually has been dead for about seven years. Just awkward. Hey, it says we're in Las Cruces. Todd, please put the Palm Pilot away. How did you even find a charger for that? Todd, you're just holding a brochure from the airport now. I know. Palm Pilot's a bit old.

So, so promised. Like, no, we have ton of fun together, everyone. You know, he has made me a better person and everything is so wonderful. And I feel that way about so many of you as I'm getting to know you. And as, you know, as I've known you for a long time, and I think we have good days,

We have bad days. We have days when you just have to tell your husband over and over again, the Palm Pilot's dead. Give up the dream. And he says, no. And then you're saying, yes, but that plug you're trying to plug into, you're plugging it into a cactus. That's not the Palm Pilot. And he says, well, if it's a cactus, then how come there's the dresses on it? And I say, it's not a dress. Those are needles. And that's why you're bleeding.

I just have days like that all the time. This was so awkward with Bronwyn, just like, well, you know, just like every marriage is, it's mostly miserable, but sometimes okay. And, you know, we have good times, we have bad times, then we have bad times and bad times, and, you know, some good times when Todd's out of town. So that's fun. Right, Todd? But, you know, we make it through, and hopefully when we're dead, we'll say, well, hey, it was worth the diamond necklace. Am I right, Todd? And he's like, fair enough! He's, like, got his arms folded. His arms...

Yeah, he has resting, you know, some people have resting bitch face. He has resting arms folded face. Oh, wait, my arms are folded and I'm actually quite happy right now because my arms are folded. It's the most comfortable position I could be in right now. I look very surly, but this is my love language.

So, yeah, it's awkward and he's grumpy. And I guess that's why she felt the need to write an apology, which we just read. So then everybody's cheersing. And then Angie brings out a prop. And they're like, oh, God. And she's like, I have a prop. It's a Greek prop. It's a Greek board. It's where you write things on it. So she passes around some whiteboards with some olives stapled to them.

These whiteboards are made of phyllo dough. So... So Angie's like, okay, all right. Okay, we are playing the newlywed game and you cannot look at your partner as they write. Okay, we all, we don't want that. And Lisa goes, we hate liars. Hey. Hey.

I love that everybody's up Lisa's ass this whole episode and her instinct is not at all. I should behave. It's like, I'm just going to keep picking it with me.

So the first question is, who apologizes first? So Meredith tells us, not only am I the one to apologize first, but I'm also the one who always will ask some apologies. I'm like, well, does it count if you just tend to start sentences by saying, well, I'm sorry, but the rumor is true about Alibaba. I don't know if that counts as an apology. Oh, and you're on mute.

Ron is on mute. Sorry, I was pulling down my jacket because my muffin top was hanging out, which shouldn't bother me, but I'm sitting on a leather back and it was making my back really hot. This is going to be a bitch chair in the summer. I'm going to tell you that, everybody. We're going to have to fix that by the summer. Anyway, so everybody answers the question and then we get to Sean and Angie and Angie's like, Greeks don't apologize. Everybody knows that.

She has like a lot of hot takes about Greeks in this game. She's like, Greeks don't apologize. Greeks invented dry erase boards. Everyone knows that.

I'm trying to think of Greek people apologize. Do they? I mean, I don't know. I'm, I'm not Greek. I'm Lebanese, but our food is very similar. So, you know, Lebanese people apologize. I know that. Let's find out who has a grudge against Michael Dukakis and see if he ever apologized to them. Um, so then Bronwyn's, uh, so every way, what's the next question? Uh, John Lee, everyone agreed except, uh,

uh meredith and seth who both said themselves and so bronwyn's like well i guess the marks are on their way to divorce so the next question what's your husband's favorite sexual position in front of the tv i put my nuts in my arms and then across them i call it the werther's original

So Lisa's like, well, I don't know if this is some kind of segue into an after-dinner party, but John and I are not interested. We're like monogamous. And everyone's very bashful. They are saying sort of like,

vague things like all of them or on top or whatever but they're kind of keeping it sort of like vague and and i just like that with whitney she's like cowgirl reverse cowgirl bj with chocolate sauce sometimes hanging from a ceiling fan if it's above 75 degrees we like to include ice cubes things like that it's like wow you filled up a lot of your board whitney yeah

Burning, waxing, drowning, strangling, hanging. Whitney! Strip and pull. On top of a Harley Davidson. Don't tell Bobby, but sometimes in her golf cart. Roofing, digging, swallowing. What are you even talking about, Whitney? I like John's because John was like, wait. Lisa on top. Wait, I forgot to add a word. Bouncing.

I put my love on top. So then Angie is like, from behind. And Sean's like, reverse cowgirl. And then Angie goes, Greeks invented from behind. But this is what would the rightful function. I was like, oh, I'll have to double check my history textbooks on that one of the great Greek inventions, which was taking it from behind. Yeah.

Also, after your husband's last season storyline, I don't know if I would answer from behind. I mean, come up with something. Jesus Christ. Like, have some self-awareness. So then, now, of course, because it's Housewives, they have to have the shady question. Who do you hate the most? And it's like the second most subtle question.

In this game. It was like second to Mary. So I was like, okay, who do you want to die? Or on the summer house. And they're like, who would you leave to die in a burning building? Jules. No offense, Jules. We love you. It's just that we think we would want to leave you in a burning building. That's all. Yeah. One of the great moments.

So this one was like, who is your wife's least favorite person at this table? And it can't be you. So Bron was like, oh, this is dirty. I'll tell you what, is the question, who would I like an apology from? I would like that question. And if not, I want an apology for it. Okay.

That was pretty close to her answer. Because, of course, Whitney... I mean, Lisa throws up Whitney's name. John doesn't even have a chance to write his answer down. But Bronwyn's like, honestly, right now, I have to say it's actually Lisa. Yeah. Just because I haven't... I wrote in a nice cursive font. Yeah. But I haven't seen that apology. Yeah. So then Sean's like, well, I have to say...

says, my first instinct is that I'm still out working on things with Meredith, but I really like her. And Sean's like, I have the same caveat. And he writes Mar, M-A-R. And she's like, well, actually, I'm M-A-R, Sean. And he's like, oh, I didn't get that quite down. What are you talking about? You've got posters of her in your bedroom. Stop trying to start a fight with Chapel Roan just so you can get screamed at, you fucking fam.

Oh, gosh. You know, Sean, since you're so obsessed with me that you can't stop talking about me, perhaps you should learn how to spell my name. Spell my name. Spell my name. So Bronwyn is like, okay, this is what Bronwyn says. Like, I did write. I did. I did write, Lisa. I did. I did. And then Whitney says, Meredith. And Justin writes Lisa. And they're all like, ha, ha, ha, ha. No more games. Lisa.

Do you feel like Justin owes you an apology? And she's like, well, I didn't feel like I was aggressive towards him. I just like, I feel like I was frustrated because what you were saying was a lie back then. Oh, God. Whitney, why are you starting? Whitney is just like so performant. She's so community theater. Like, it doesn't matter how many years she does this. It's like, oh, my God, everyone. That was such a fun game. So.

Do you feel like Justin owes you an apology still? Do you feel it? Do you feel that still? Oh my God, Whitney, Jesus. And, and basically Justin is like, you know, I know that my, I know that my wife is not a liar. So when that came, so when that came to me, the way it came to me, my reaction was probably stronger than I wish it would have been. So I apologize for how I reacted to that.

And she's like, thank you. And I'm sorry for putting you in that position where you're a much stronger man who couldn't control his own impulses. Sorry I did that to you. Thank you. Thank you for apologizing to him because that's something we've never done before. Bring the husbands into it, Lisa.

Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckas. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. Ashley Savoni, she don't take no baloney.

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