#2579 RHOSLC S05E03 Part One: The Jewels of Ali Bobblehead
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Oh, hello, and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast for all that crap we just love to talk about on ye olde bras. I'm Ronnie, everybody. Hi, so good to meet you. Are you new here? Welcome. I'm Rondall, and that over there is my little friend, Benoon. Hello, Ben. How are you? Hi, Ronnie. I'm great, thanks. How are you doing? I'm getting shit done, Ben. You know, I realized I left my lip gloss, my lip balm in my backpack. I've

ever since I left town and I never took it out. And guess what I've been having? Dry lips. And I thought, you know what? It's October 3rd today and I'm going to remedy this situation. My backpack was within rolling range

distance and I Leah remedied my way over there and I I fixed it and I think that means I'm ready to take on new things Ben how's everything going over there with you babe it's great I am feeling like a lunatic this morning because I had a night where I woke up at like 3:30 in the morning and I couldn't fall back asleep so I'm running on fumes which means

I don't know what I'm going to say today. I'm awake but tired at the same time. I'm in this strange... I'm energized, but also am I in a dream? I can't tell. But I feel like it's the appropriate vibe to talk about a Real Housewives of Salt Lake City episode that takes place in Milwaukee, right? Yes. This whole thing felt like kind of a weird fugue state anyway. So I think whoever put this together was doing it at three in the morning.

Three in the morning as well. And I love this cast for it. Real Housewives of New York started back up this week. That recap is out. We are also chugging along with the secret lives of Mormon wives. Also, our videos are available every day on video or our broadcasts are available on video as well as bonus episodes every week. Those are at patreon.com slash watch what crap ends.

All right, so let's get into it.

And we had just the best time talking about Bravo and all those things. So check them out on Instagram and wherever. What was it? One of you, one of them, and one of, one of us. That's weird. Okay. I'm going to go talk to the other one. You should. Fuck you guys. We're going to be like, fuck those two, huh? Those two suck. Fuck.

She was great. And we had so much fun. So go check it out, everyone. Go check it out, everybody. Ben's on a journey. Let's do...

He's on a journey, a romance, a Bravo journey. No, that's good. Those ladies are great. I'm glad you went on there. Everybody, check it out. Hello, ladies. So let's go to The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, episode five. No, season five, episode three. Basketball, bobbleheads, and the brow girl. Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun. You know, I have to say, Ronnie, um...

Season three of Salt Lake City had a bunch of friend dubs that were swirling around the cast. And it was sort of chaotic at Bonn, and we did get Angie K out of it. And we also sunsetted Angie H in the process. But now we're back again with...

friend-ubs swirling around. I think this cast works sort of at its best when there's not a lot of friend-ubs around, except for Mary Cosby. But Mary Cosby was like a legacy housewife. I feel like, like, Maylee, it's just so funny. Like, Maylee is such a plug-and-play friend-ub. She's literally, like, off on the side doing nothing, and they're like, Maylee, come over here! We want to yell at you! Okay. All right, you can go now. Okay.

And Britney feels very contrived. I don't think we need them, right? Yes, I think we do need them. And here's where I'm going to disagree. Because, you know, my biggest complaint lately with Bravo is they're just not knowing, they're not paying enough attention and making changes when they should be made. I feel like New York should have been changed long before it was changed. I felt like, not canceled or whatever, but changed, changed up. And Potomac needed to be changed long before it was changed at

Atlanta, Beverly Hills kind of needs a change. A lot of them just need change and they're not bringing the change. Salt Lake City is ready at any moment to add 20 new people to the roster. They don't keep anybody comfortable. And they also have a bunch of crazies. Like all the people who didn't work out, Angie Harrington tried way too hard and she had that sniveling husband with burner accounts who I think is still on there every couple of weeks posting, don't we miss Angie, everybody? And everyone's like, no, no we don't. Like,

But anyway, even she brought, you know, she gave us jizz for jazz, you know? And the friend of us on this show always brings something, you know? I think that Maylee isn't really bringing much of anything, but like she's a paper towel rack. It's still good to have her. Like you don't need her there, but it's good to have her. It's easier to get the paper towels off. It's good to have Maylee in case there's a problem. I mean, they are bringing value. And Brittany's fucking nuts. Like Brittany's an insecure...

broken down mess. Like she's what happens when you don't get any kind of self-confidence before your forties, fifties, whatever's going on. I don't know her age and it's not an age shaming thing. It's just as someone who's nearing 50, you know, you there, there's a certain point you have to grab some self-confidence and stop relying on, uh, you know, penises. I was going to say external forces. I was going to try and find like a pop psychology way to explain it. But basically what I'm saying is you need to find a way to validate yourself without dick.

And she just has not learned how to do dickless validation yet. And it's interesting to see the crumbling that happens when you don't do it. So take it as a cautionary tale, everybody. But I'm liking her. Yeah, I mean, it's like they do provide value. I think one of the issues, though, that I do have is that, like, friend dubs, a great friend dub naturally augments the entire show. Like, they're kind of like a great...

wine pairing, right? But sometimes the friend-ubs are so desperate to make the leap, do the Angie K, that they really are kind of over the top. And I kind of feel like Brittany is very self-aware of the camera and she's like really... I just don't always believe her when she's like, guys, everything is great with the Osman person that I'm dating. I'm like, I don't know if I believe this. I feel like you're kind of doing this for TV. And so that's why I'm sort of like...

I don't know. I'm like, my jury's out a little bit. That being said, please don't take this as a large criticism. It's a minor quibble. I think the show is so good, so funny. And I'm honestly loving Bronwyn. I think that's actually more the headline, which is that. I think Bronwyn is...

Really doing a great job as a new housewife. I love how angry she is at Heather and at Lisa. I love how her face gets really steely, and she gets a very intense frown when she's unhappy. She cannot hide that she's unhappy. Her lips are literally going down to her jaws for the entire episode. And I like that.

I like that she thinks she looks so good with all that money draped all over her and she just looks like a fucking clown. It cracks me up. And then she's like, I'm going to do trendy eyelid work where she does like she draws in an eyelid right here and then she draws a half semicircle in the middle of her eyelid. So it looks like she smeared her eye.

Like, it just looks like she was crying and she smeared it. And it just looks so sad. Like, I'm sure that you did see that in a Vogue magazine or somewhere, you know, whatever the kids are looking at these days. But you look fucking crazy. And I like that. I love a completely self-unaware person. She's trying a little hard. You know, she's jumping in there with the fighting and all that stuff over things I don't think are necessary. But it is Housewives. Yeah.

As far as Brittany, yeah, her husband, not her husband, her Osmond, I guess I should say, came out with a statement, like an Instagram statement. He was like, I wanted this relationship to work. She was the one being dramatic and she's added all this dramatic drama to make me look stupid. And I agreed to do this show because she needed it. I was there for her because the only reason she's on this show is because of

me and my name and i got her on this show and now look she's made me look stupid so thanks a lot i was like oh god sounds like you're not toxic at all plugs osmond by the way i'm just guessing he has plugs i've never seen plugs i just feel like he has really bad plugs that were probably done by a cousin because don't they have a lot of cousins

They're Osmond. Bad plug, cousin Osmond. There, I said it. I said it. Come for me on Instagram. I'm waiting. I think that if things don't work out with this Osmond, I think that Brittany should go after a Jet. Like, you know the Jets?

They're like a Mormon. They're great at ballet. They're great at ballet. No, the Jets are... Remember that band from the 80s? They're like this big Mormon family. They had that song like... I found out I got a crush on you.

Oh, God, that song's so stupid. I found out I got a crush on it. Would the mail come and it said, do you have a crush on somebody? I've never understood those lyrics. Was it your boner hitting the inside of your pants? Was it the tent rising up? How did you find out? The answer is probably in the lyrics, but I was always too annoyed to listen to the whole song.

Sorry. What were you saying? I just found out I have a crush on you. It just found out. What are you doing? I was just finding out that I have a crush on you.

What song is that? All right, let's get into this show. So we are at Whitney's and Justin's. Okay, it's time to pack for the trip. And I mean, Justin's working now. So I guess that's the thing. I kind of miss their storyline from last year where she's like, our marriage isn't working because you don't like taking kids to school anymore. I'm divorcing you. I'm so sad.

You don't do enough carpools. I'm traumatized. I need to heal. What happened to that storyline? We just come back and everything is fine now? No. I need...

That's a Whitney Rose line. It just sort of trails off into the sunset and then we hit the reset button. By the way, if there's anyone who could probably relate to that Jets song, it's Whitney. I just found out I have a crush on you. Those are lyrics that speak to Whitney's soul. That is how she operates through life. Wait a second. I just found out we're married.

Oh, that's happening with Jackson Brittany right now. I guess we'll talk about this at crappy hour Monday, but it's so late. But Jax gave up custody of his son.

Did you know that? Did you read this? Yeah. And he also said that they never got married, that they're not even married. He's like, we did get married. Some people just can't file paperwork. They don't understand paperwork. And Lance Bass said, yes, preacher Lance or pastor Lance signed the papers so I can vouch for this. But yeah, I just found out.

I just found out. I got a baby with you. So anyway, Whitney is packing to go to Milwaukee because she needs to wear something pink and something Milwaukee-esque, drag-esque, warm-esque, ask-esque.

Justin's like, yeah, you know, when he first told me you were going to Milwaukee, I was like, whoa, you must really hate these girls to take them to Milwaukee in the winter, right? Fuck Milwaukee. Justin, we are promoting Milwaukee. We love Milwaukee-esque. Drag queens-esque. Milwaukee, it's where cheese is. Ding! Esque. Now, anyone who watched Padma Lakshmi's Taste of Nation, which we actually recapped this episode that I'm about to talk about,

would of course want to go to Milwaukee because wouldn't you want to go to the city where Padma drove around the Oscar Mayer mobile and said, what's a hot dog? Wait, I know. Steal the hot dog from America. It's the episode where Padma went to the hot dog specialist and goes, please tell everyone what's a hot dog.

What is the origin of the hot dog? Wait, I'm going to say, a guy went to a fair and they didn't have bread, so he got a bun and put a sausage in a bun. And that was the hot dog. I did it. You're too slow, stupid. We even had bratwurst written on a cue card, idiot. Can we get less stupid immigrants than the Germans? Yeah, Fatma was very much like, welcome to Taste the Nation, a show about America inventing nothing ever and stealing everything from poor people.

Who did we steal the hot dog from, sir? Could someone please call AAA? It looks like my dear friend Gail Simmons has attached her teeth to the end of this Oscar Mayer mobile, thinking it was a real sausage. Oh my God, it's a giant hot dog mobile. Is there a giant Gail mouth mobile coming around to eat it? Never mind, the normal one will fit in.

Also, since I'm dragging the podcast in different directions, I was watching Saturday Night Football and they had... Jesus. No, they had Tom Colicchio on there. And Tom Colicchio was like, you know, the things that go into a good game mean it ever.

a good main course, it's got to have a good appetizer, it's got to be cooked to perfection, it's got to have a wonderful flavor, you've got to have good pairing. But everything was like a football reference. He's like, you know, you've got to intercept the flavor and you don't want to fumble the garnish. And I was like, what is Tom Glicchio doing right now? Someone please start the new season. He is... Don't be...

Don't leave him unattended. Okay, so Whitney's going to Milwaukee. So she's like, yeah, I'm really glad that Heather brought us to the Rose Course because it really brought us all together. And then we see a clip of them all yelling at Whitney. Yeah.

And yelling at each other. And Whitney's like, I'm just glad we're back because we're in a place where we can go. And who wants to miss the trip to Milwaukee? Ask. So then we go to Meredith and Seth's. And Seth's like, so where are you guys going? She's like, well, Whitney wanted us all to go to Milwaukee. And this is like sending off 8,000-watt flags.

And then we see, like, a flashback to two weeks ago when Meredith is confronting Whitney about the bath bomb issue. And Seth's like, you know, just spend time with the other ladies, all right? Because here's how I look at Whitney. Like, high school algebra, all right? You pay no attention to it. How are boobs doing? Yeah.

Her boobs are like lunchtime. Everybody just wants to get there. But her personality is like calculus.

It's very derivative. No one can do it. No one can do the math. She's like calculus, except I would not call her integral. I'm so calculus-lated, Meredith. Even my husband said it. So then we go to Bronwyn's house, and Todd's like, Is the plane big enough for all the eagles going on to it?

I got you some goggles that you can wear when you get onto the plane.

Now, here they are. Oh, my gosh. And all the flights? I don't think so. I do not think they have a plane that's big enough. He goes, I know the attitude. Is there enough room for the attitude? Can I carry this attitude on or do I got to put it under the plane? Okay. Hold on. Let me call my friend who is the executive of Pan American Airlines. My little lady is coming on the plane. Can you please treat her well? Thank you.

So then Ron was like, well, I didn't need Lisa to defend me, but I was pretty shocked that she didn't. He's like, well, if you want to be friends, you gotta give it another chance. It's the same thing we told Italy.

We said, you can do it. You can take all your city-states and become a country. So, Bronwyn's like... I was trying to come up with a World War II reference, but I couldn't. I took it into the 19th century. I went earlier. I'm stupid for historical jokes. I'm really flexing all my high school and college knowledge. I already made two Keiko's references, and now we're...

Now I'm in my history. Bronwyn's like, so do I take this bag? Because it can be a peace sign, but it can also be a middle finger because it's fingers. He's like, yes, you should definitely take that. By the way, the bag is a big, giant hand with two fingers pointing out that are jewel and crown. Don't take it. It's stupid. Your bag is stupid. And listen, designers are laughing at you. They make stupid shit.

To laugh at rich people who were dumb enough to pay them for that crap. Nobody thinks this is great. Okay. And we do know that problem does pay them for that crap because Christian Sirianna said so on watch what happens live this week. So, um, uh, so she's like, yeah, I'm gonna bring it. He's like, Oh, that's very, very perfect. Grover Cleveland gave me that bag. I hope you enjoy it.

So now we go over to Whitney and Mary on FaceTime. We have like, this is, we've never seen Mary like this. She's like smiling and giggling all this episode. She's had to come to Jesus with Mary. Yeah. They were like, Mary, listen, here's your final chance. If you're going to come back on this show, you have to at least pretend to like it and be nice to people.

And she's like, but I'm just myself. No, Mary, that's not what you do. On reality TV, you actually do have to fake it sometimes. Do it or you're fucking out. And I think she was like, okay, I'll do it. And now she's coming on like, I'm so happy to be here. Did you like dance? It was weird. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial.

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So Merritt's like, oh, so I'm calling to let you know that I will be there with you awful people, but I'm going to really go by myself. Because you know how I fly, Whitney. I do not fly with bobbleheads. So I just got off a private plane, and I know all 19 of you are going to be on that plane, so I'm going to be on my own. Yeah, and so Whitney's like, but why do I tell them? I mean, if it was anybody else, I'd give them a hard time, but it's you, and honestly—

I'm terrified. Do whatever you'd like. Okay. She's like, just okay, thanks. She's like, tell them I'm there in spirit. Got it. Guys, Mary's taking Spirit Airlines. We'll meet her there.

So then we get the taglines. I'm completely shocked about Heather's tagline. Absolutely fucking fall on the floor shocked. Before we say them, was it me or did it seem like the music was really high and the audio on the taglines was really low? Was that just me? I think so. I don't know. I didn't... I was like... Yeah, I didn't notice.

I couldn't hear it very well. Either I'm losing my hearing from squawking in each other's ears all day long, or the audio levels were down. So, Bravo, we have clocked you on your audio mixing. Please take note. Please take note, Bravo. You can do others, because I know you love to say this, and I've stopped letting you say it too many times on this show. Well, this is a line that I have always loved. It's a line I've always loved, and I even loved it

I even liked it in the promo of the trailer with the avalanche coming down. But then something changed recently. And then she did another promo, and I was like, too much. And now here's her line. Don't blame me. I've got the receipts, proof, and the screenshots. Where's the timeline? Yeah, where did you take our timeline? Get your own line correct, first of all. Does this lady... She's going to go Christmas caroling and be like...

We receive proof timeline screenshots. Receive proof timeline screenshots. It's like, Jesus Christ, we get it. Okay, congratulations. You're an icon. Mother. Yeah, this was too much. They're killing their golden goose. They should just let this live on its own and let the fans be the ones. This is like when Kyle took over Goodbye Kyle. Like, that ruined it. Yeah, she, yeah.

Yeah, poor Kyle. So Meredith is like, well, I'm known for my tub, but I'm going to bathe in glory. I'm bathing in glory. Did she finish a triathlon or something? So far, I have not seen the glory. I am bathing in a new mantle. Bronwyn says, the only thing muted, I'm sorry, the only muted thing you'd find in my wardrobe is my black card.

Okay. And then Angie's like, you may have been in a sorority, but I am Greek for life, baby. And that was the robotic voice, but this was the most natural she's ever sounded. It was weird. I don't know if they just had her improvising lines on the voice notes, because, you know, I think that's how they turn in their lines. They're like, just record it in your shower on your iPhone and just shoot it. I'm doing it.

Remember Lisa Rinna's one year was like, you could hear traffic by her. Or like there was one with, remember the one with Dorinda where she came in and she was like, she was fresh out of an argument with someone. Like she was clearly yelling at someone and they're like, Dorinda, we need you to record. She's like, I may not do this, but I like to do that. Okay. It was literally just like that. I mainly received them, maybe proofing anytime. I fucked that bitch stealing my line. Um,

Oh, sorry. You're up. Yeah. On my healing journey, I always travel first class. Girl, no, you don't. I love that they use that on the season that her Alibaba secrets are coming out. I know. That's hilarious. I know. It's like first class in Southwest. I don't think it really counts as first class.

I think it's just awful. Unfortunately, my jewelry travels on donkey from Shanghai. It might take a while to get to you. So, by the way, no, I'm not going to start this. I was going to start complaining about an Etsy delivery from fucking Turkey. But you know what? I'm going to save that. Good luck with that break.

I know, I know, I just thought of that stupid strike. She sent it to the wrong address, and now she's like, well, can you just get someone to the old address to send it to you? I'm like, no, I can't. You need to send it to my address. There's a longshoreman strike right now. Nothing's going to get through. They need to send it to the right address at the right time. Can't they put it on an airplane? Ugh.

I've seen longshoremen. Come on. Give them whatever they need. Give them what they need, okay? Last time I checked, they weren't short land ladies. They're longshoremen, okay? Give them what they need.

That's our slogan. Come on, they're men. They'll work for a little extra lunch. Just tell them we'll give you five more dollars to spend at lunch. That's it. Don't go back. Come on, they're men. I'll give you a blowjob. Just settle the whole thing with a few blowjobs, okay? All right, you do Mary's line. Mary's like, God is my shepherd, and you all look like sheep.

She's accusing us as the audience? Or is she accusing their castmates? She's like, you're watching your heathens. And what's even worse is that she's saying, God is my shepherd and you all look like sheep.

But it's like God works for her. She's like, God's my shepherd, and he's hurting all of you guys. Well, who are you then? You're like the boss of the shepherd. I don't really get it. I don't think you're supposed to really understand Mary's taglines, but it's nice that she has one again. Yeah.

Lisa's is, we end with Lisa who goes, tequila is my livelihood and my lifestyle has always topped off. I'm being sued by 20 people. Allegedly. We'll get to that later in the season. I can't wait to get to these Lisa lawsuits or Lisa accusation. I don't know if they're lawsuits or just people accusing Lisa of not paying them for stuff, but I can't wait to get to that. I pay for everybody. I have six lawyers.

Okay, so now we are with Angie and Sean, and she is showing her new sunglasses. They've got the Greek flag wrapped around the sunglass line. Okay.

So Angie is packing for Milwaukee with this. She has these big sunglasses out. She's really excited. And cause she goes, just in case we meet the Greek freak, you never know. We're going to Milwaukee. And we see a picture of what's his face. John is, um, the superstar player on the bucks. And, um, she is so excited and we,

We know how excited she is because she spends the rest of this entire scene packing so many different sized Greek flags into her bag. Like we should just, she's talking about something else and we just see one Greek flag after another. There's like a beach towel. There's a tarp. There's little mini flags like that. You put on the front of a car and a motorcade. There's like a stuffed animal. There's just like a can of tomatoes as a Greek flag wrapped around it. I've just never seen so many Greek flags.

Yeah, well, there you go. And Sean's like, I think he'll see you. He'll see me. Do you think he will see me a mile away? He's like, so how do you feel about the trip? Is Meredith Marks going? Is icon Meredith Marks going? Could you do me a favor? Write down something to tell her for me. I am writing it in Greek letters. Tell her. Tell her. I said, I got an icon, mother.

How do you feel about Lisa at this point? Well, our lunch wasn't very productive. She walked out before the blooming onion arrived. And then we see a flashback two weeks ago with them getting into their fight. And Angie's like, we haven't spoke. So I'm hoping we can find some time to talk to each other. But I have one little thing that's kind of weighing on me. Brittany, who you haven't met, by the way, Sean, but I don't think that she is at i

icon level yet, but she has this whole on again, off again thing with her boyfriend who is an Osmond icon. Yes, yes. And my proud girl was telling me that he's been sending her DMs and commenting in her DMs and wanting her to call him.

She asked me, like, are they together? And then she reads her phones and she's like, I can read you the DMs. So she does. And I love how she's like, well, you know, I know that people I don't like when people came after my marriage.

So I really feel bad about this. Okay, let me read all the texts. You need the screenshots? Y'all got this? Y'all have the pictures? Do you want me to just send them to you? Just let me just send them to you. You don't have to take pictures on my phone. Okay, do you want me to read them in her voice? I can do that. Here. Here's the first DM. What I would do to put my hands all over your body. Oh, sorry. That was me to Janice. Never mind. Scratch that one. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I can't wait to put my hands all over your body. Wait, why is this here again? Oh, I'm sorry. I was sending you my text. It's Giannis. Sorry. I'm sent. I'm sent. Is it too late for unsent? Giannis, have you ever been in a mattress so big you actually felt like a normal-heighted person? What? I'm Angie Kate.

Sorry, I sent that to you, Sean. Yeah, it's okay. Do you need me to come back over there? I was just going to roll over for a minute. Okay, come on over here. I'll be here. I'll get the scooter. All right. Here I am. I'm back.

So she's like, yeah. And Sean's like, well, I mean, Brittany is like she taking it more than more seriously than he is. Is that kind of thing? She's like, sounds like she is. And actually she is so sweet, but I don't know if I know her well enough to make it my place or if I should just out it on national television and tell all of the other girls and maybe one of them can out it first. Yeah.

And she's like, yeah, I feel really badly for Brittany. I know what it's like to have people talk about your relationship and also I am Greek. And then we see a flashback to Monica because the editors are going to find a way to insert Monica in a flashback to every single episode this season. Yeah. And then Monica is talking about Sean sleeping with other guys.

And Angie's like, but Brittany's clean. Go ahead, Ben. No, that's what they, in the flashback, they always show Angie putting her hand on her chest. Oh, I am Greek. No, Suzuki. How am I supposed to eat this falafel? So let's go. Sorry for being so horrified when they're out of Suzuki. You suck.

So, Angie's like, well, I do like her. So if the opportunity arises, I'll say something, right? And he's like, I think you should. What was that? I couldn't hear you over the mountain of pillows on our giant mattress. Okay.

So then it's 4 a.m. and we're at the Provo Airport. You know, I figured out why Provo bothers me. And, you know, it's been bothering me since we've been recapping the secret lives of Mormon wives. And I'm like, why does this place bother you? You've never even been there. Why do you have such a deep-seated resentment with this place? Because it sounds like Parvo. And Parvo is dog worms. And they kill your dog. And I'm always terrified of Parvo. And it sounds too much like Parvo. I think they either need to rename Parvo or they need to rename Provo.

Provo. I don't like Provo because it sounds like we're about to start talking about Provolone cheese and then we never quite get there.

Oh, I love that. Like you're so close with provolone. You're just like, Hey, how's it going? It's like, well, I'm just like a more palatable, you know, less tangy, less sour Parmesan. How are you? Do you, I, you know what? I bet really insufferable volleyball players who are professionals call themselves Provo. Oh, is he Provo? Oh, he's just amateur. Oh, that's too bad. It's Bravo. Um,

So Angie is, she's decided to tell him, okay, yeah. So they go to the airport. Everybody's like, hi, hi, hi, hi. Bronwyn comes in looking insane, you know, and Bronwyn's doing that thing with Lisa where Lisa's like, good morning. How are you? I love that. I love that, Bronwyn. Oh my God, Bronwyn, you're my best friend. So good to see you. We both like shopping so much. We're such girls. And Bronwyn's like, hello. Because Bronwyn has decided to have her first housewives war.

And she's going up against the person who brought her on the show. First of all, Seth is ungrateful that I was biting the hand that feeds you. And second of all, good luck with that. Because nobody beats Lisa. She can scream louder and she can cry louder and she can lie louder. Have fun. But it's also a rite of passage to have your first fight with Lisa Barlow. Because everyone takes their shot. Everyone goes after Lisa Barlow pretty early on. So it's just her time. Yeah.

Although, I guess Angie's also going against... Oh, no, Angie had a fight with Lisa Barlow last year, too. So, yeah, Bronwyn's being super cold, and she goes, I am hurt. Lisa and I have been friends for years, but I left the ropes course feeling like she did not have anything to say in my defense. So it's the classic, why didn't you defend me fight? Which is...

Like, really, that goes part and parcel with the Salt Lake City Housewives. I mean, this is a franchise built off of, you know, what was the phrase they always say to say this? Like, you're my ride or die. Like, I'm your ride or die. I'm ride or die for her. I ride for Jen Shaw. You know, she's doing this. Yeah, she's gonna ride. Gonna go on her little ride. Why didn't Lisa ride for me, you know?

Yeah, because it wasn't that big of a deal, and she did kind of defend you. So that's why I think this fight's stupid, because we see the clip, and she did kind of defend you, and you were talking shit. I mean, we'll get all into this in a minute, but I think this was a misguided first attempt, although I know that she's new, and you don't want to fire somebody on their first day or their first month. It's like you're on a trial period. Your clothes are stupid. It's fine.

But I do love your old person husband. And I can't wait to see the first time he poops on the couch on accident. And... Listen, I like some of her... I like some of her outfits. Sometimes I'm like, oh, no. But then sometimes I'm like, oh, yes. Yes.

But I will say, I do think she has a right to be mad at Heather. I think that Heather basically just went after Bronwyn out of left field, and it was bullshit. I think that Lisa defended her more than Bronwyn is giving her credit for. So maybe Bronwyn doesn't have the right to be this mad at Lisa, and definitely not madder at Lisa than at Heather. Or if anything, I guess you want Lisa to go harder at Heather, because Heather came for Bronwyn in a way that was like...

Really? This is... I don't think Bronwyn was really... But the way that Heather came for Bronwyn was what she wanted Lisa to do for her. So it's funny because she's mad that Heather was writing so hard to stand up for Whitney, but she wanted Lisa to write that hard to stand up for her. But she's mad at Heather for doing that for another... It's such a Housewives episode where you're like, oh my God, this is like the most Housewives thing ever. Okay, so let's just start at the beginning because we're going to have to go over all of this again when it actually unfolds.

But Lisa is talking in Bronwyn's direction. But she's like, I was worried. I was like, did she bounce? Did she bounce? Did she bounce away? Was she like a little ball? Did she leave me with my ball? Give me my ball! And Bronwyn's like, she's like, I just feel like I'm not even friends right now with Lisa.

um yeah so now everyone's saying hi in the airport and then whitney's like i didn't even know if meredith was gonna make it because meredith walked in like hi and she's like i didn't know she was gonna make it but days before the trip i get this text from meredith hi whitney i moved some plans around to come to milwaukee thank you for the invitation xx thank you meredith

I don't see anything wrong with that. She gave you advance notice and she was polite. Like when he's trying to make it sound like it was cold and bitchy. I'm like, that's literally, what do you want her to do? Send a swan with a, I accept your invitation. This is a perfectly acceptable text. Yeah. So then, um, Heather is talking about how she pronounces Milwaukee, Millie Wacke. Okay.

I think. Is that how you pronounce it? I learned that when I started Wayne's World and Gene Simmons spoke of Milwaukee.

Isn't that funny? And then they show a picture of Gene Simmons with the wrong sound effect. And then they show Alice Cooper. I didn't get any of this. Did you? Can you explain it to me? I'm too gay. Alice Cooper was in Wayne's World. I remember that. I don't remember the Milwaukee thing. I don't know if that's like the authentic saying of Milwaukee. What I did get was a distinct sense that the producers thought this was really funny. And it was actually like, it was actually making me nervous. Like,

Please don't let this be a sign that you guys don't have any content. Okay, stop doing this. So there's just some chatter about how Milwaukee, Milwaukee means the good land in Algonquin. And then they just arrive. They get to this hotel, the Kin Guest House, which is very nice. And Mary is talking about how she loves Milwaukee because her dad is from Milwaukee. And then she has a very special and adorable anecdote. Yeah.

This is so cute. This is like, this is more my heart. Mary's back in Milwaukee. Mary's back in Milwaukee. My dad, he actually used to live like a street away from Jeffrey Dahmer. And every time he would go to work, he'd smell a smell. And he always said like, what's that smell coming from? And then like maybe a week later, they arrested Jeffrey Dahmer. So he saw the whole thing go down. I think it was just being nosy, but he saw it. Wow. I hope he was, I hope that that detail was included in the Dahmer miniseries on Netflix because I never watched it.

Yeah, that's a lot. What's that smell? Oh, God. Turns out that guy was a serial killer. That is crazy. Scents are very big in Mary's family. They can really pick up on lots of different smells. Yeah. What if the dad walked past and was like, smells like hospital? That's where she got it. That's where she first smelled that smell of death. Smells like cannibalism.

So, she is the one who said you smell like hospital, right? Yes. Oh, she's a whore. Jen's like, I was at the hospital with my grandmother or my mother or whoever. And she's like, smells like hospital in here.

It's Jen Shah's birthday tomorrow, by the way. I know this because apparently I actually follow her on Instagram. I don't know why I follow her, but I do. And a story came up. I was like, oh my God, a story from Jen Shah. Is it from prison? And it was like, hey, Shah squad, as you all know, October 4th is Jen Shah's birthday. I was like, I don't know this.

And I think I have to send her messages. Anybody want to get anything from the Amazon wishlist? You know, I will say this. I knew we knew this was going to happen, but Jen Shaw is really living her best life in prison. She's having the best time every time. And look, I don't talk to her or anything. I don't know her. I don't know anybody who knows her, but everything that comes out of Jen Shaw in prison is like Jen Shaw having a blast. Like they had a story when she first went in about how she was putting together a prison play, like,

She got all the girls together to put together a play about the real housewives. And then later they showed her friends with being friends with that Elizabeth. Yeah. Blood test lady, Elizabeth Holmes. And they're like besties now. I mean, every time they, and they're just walking around the prison yard together to show some like walking around the yard together chatting. I was like, of course, Jim Shaw walks right in there and just has the time of her fucking life and makes the best of it. You know?

Do not miss you, though. That was a very warm segment where I talked about how great she's doing. Do not miss you. Stay gone. It was a birthday gift. Early birthday gift. Yeah. Commercials. Here comes one right now.

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So Mary is with fresh memories of Jeffrey Dahmer, enters this hotel, and then we watch for like 30 seconds as she and the door guy struggle to walk into the hotel.

Because she's got four pieces of luggage and he can only carry two. So she has to carry two. But watching her try to get a damn piece of luggage, she doesn't understand what a door sill is. Is that what you call it? A door sill? The thing at the bottom? Or jam, maybe? Whatever. She does not know what it is or why her suitcase won't just roll over it. And so she just stands there and no one's there to help her. Then she looks down. No one's there to help her. So she kind of moves it. It won't move. I mean, it's just...

it's something but then even the door guy can't get in like she gets in you're like oh good we can finally move on and then he's like stuck and he's like stuck with this by the way also door guy why don't you help mary he just is standing there he's holding the door and just watching her struggle instead of saying you know what you go in i will get your bag you know what shame on you yeah well she probably wouldn't let him keep or leave her bag out there you know she's like these bags are sheep

Yeah, these are more expensive than you. So then Angie was like, Maylee, when was the last time you had a girls trip? And she's like, oh, wow. Oh, yeah. And you have children? How old is your fourth child? Wow. Good talking to you, Maylee.

I don't hear anything that comes out of Meili. I don't even know what she looks like or what her voice sounds like anymore. I don't even know. Meili and I have been friends for a little while now. We ran in the same circles all the way back in college. That was just college for us, running in little circles in our dorm room. Oh, God, we had so much fun. I remember I looked at Meili and I said, Meili, and she said, I said,

Why do we keep running in circles? There's a whole world beyond this track. And then we left the circle. It's been so fun. And you know what's fun? Anyway. Okay, so I'm really glad.

She's like, I'm really glad that she could come to Milwaukee because she's a badass, amazing woman. And then she gives that little weird smile at the camera. They just keep the camera on. It's like making that dumb face and smiling. It's so fucking funny. Why am I liking Whitney so much this season? This is the first time ever, but she's like,

But why are we getting a season three sales pitch on Maile? She's already been with us for two episodes. She went on the ropes course. I think she's just trying to explain because I'm sure a lot of people are like, wait, Maile's on this trip? She's trying to sell their friends. She's got to try and sell Maile so she can have someone on her side. Heather's trying to sell Brittany so she can have her on her side. Lisa was trying to sell Bronwyn so she could have her. Bronwyn's really blowing that one too soon. Angie's trying to sell Zeus. Zeus, what?

Best God ever. Angie's hawking fucking Suzuki out there. Don't ever run out again. Don't ever run out again. Or you will see me go, oh. So then Lisa, they're like, so they're eating lunch or whatever. And people are like, so how's Jack doing, Lisa? She's like, oh my God, how fly is his fly? His fly's like a little bot. What?

Like, I don't want to get a lot of that. I don't want to get a mushroom. Hold on. He's having some health problems. Jacques has been on a mushroom on the Columbia for about eight months. And the middle of the night, he woke up and the worst pain in his stomach. I was like, oh my God, it's an appendix. And it turns out, eating non-processed food, his stomach was rejecting it. So anyway, I couldn't even stand it. He was like, I'm going to come help you. And he's like, no, mom. And I was like, oh, oh.

The worst thing in the world is to know that your cat is suffering and you're not there. I wasn't even there to microwave a Kit Kat in the cup for him to drink slowly and feel better.

So in the biggest shock and obviously very sad, hope that Jack is okay. But, um, your kid got a stomach ache out of town. Boo fucking hell. He's fine. Jeez. So then while Lisa was crying, Mary of all people gets up and comforts Lisa. So it gives her a hug. I'm like, wait, when did they become crazy?

cordially again like this. I thought Mary hated Lisa. Have you ever seen those videos where Justin Bieber has lizard eyes?

It's just like flashes really quick. I would like to know which video he doesn't have lizard eyes in. Well, you know those lizard, the lizard conspiracy where people think that rich people are like lizards that are taking over the world? Like they kill the person and then they take over their body. Like the Vs or whatever. And they take the body and then they become that person. Maybe Mary got V'd because who is this? I have no idea who this is. By the way,

If the lizards are doing this, and they're taking over these very successful people's lives and bodies and are still killing the game, then like... Good for them. You know what? Let me tell you what else. I'm surprised that I haven't been taken over yet. Well, first of all, I'm not famous and rich. I think they're hot, young, rich, famous. Well, no, that's not true because Joe Biden's supposedly a lizard. But you know what I mean. You have to have more than a podcast to get taken over. It's not like the lady at Target's a lizard lady. So...

I'm going to say, I think I might get taken over. Maybe I'll get really famous one day because I think they're casing me. Because every time I leave my house in Texas, I swear to you, every time, it feels like a video game.

a lizard scurries out in front of my steps. And every time I leave here, a lizard scurries out in front of my steps in the afternoon. Every time. Do they live under steps? Maybe. That's probably the most logical reason is that lizards probably live under steps. But every time, Ben, and I think they've been casing me. So if I suddenly become a nice person,

For no reason. Just start spreading out madness to people. You know what's happened to me. I'm gone, Ben. You know what? That's fine. Because it seems like the lizards are just nothing but upside.

That's true. You're like, I'd love you as a lizard. Take him! Look at all of our favorite celebrities. They're all actually lizards. Great. They're doing a great job. Normally it's like, oh, your body was taken over and now you've become a maniac and you're killing people. But if the lizards are like, I've taken over your body and I released an album.

Well, great. You're like, what are you doing today? I'm like concentrating on my future and exercising. How about you? He'll be like, you'll know. You'll know. Like Lady Gaga was like the original version was like gin rummy face. And then a lizard took over. It's like, how about poker face?

Let's make this work. It's like in space. Just sit. Wait, hold on. Lizard revision coming in. Just dance. I got a not so great romance. Lizard revision.

How about bad romance? Somewhere I'm shooting rainbows. How about yours just over a rainbow? Oh, that's nicer.

Okay, so let's go. The lizards are actually now just editors. I like that the lizards don't even write lizard-y type lyrics. They just kind of improve humans' mistakes. There could be a better lyric. Lizards find people who have a good toolbox. Like, she can sing, not a great lyricist, I think I could step in.

All right. So Lisa's crying and I don't care. So then we go to, they're like, oh my God, we're praying for Mary. It's like, I'm praying for you. And Brittany's like, I'll be praying for you too. I will be praying for you too. Along with my boyfriend and future husband, the Osmond that's not currently fucking his sister. And if things go well, I will be getting you some Nutrisystem too.

yeah so then uh whitney's like are you ready to hear what we're doing tonight and everyone's like uh just heard about a dying child story whitney i don't know give that some time to kind of settle so sorry about jack i hope his stomach's okay to party like we're gonna party later we are going to uh

a backs game. I mean a bucks game. Sorry. They're like, Whoa, bucks game. And they're like, so what is that again? And we're just gonna watch some deer running around. No, it's a basketball team. And then Angie's like that, that, that, that, that, that, yes, there are two Greek freaks in Milwaukee today. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

These are not my people. If one of my friends was like, guess what we're all doing today? Going to football. I'd be like, go fuck yourself, die in a fire. We're not friends. Who would ever bring that up around me? I would like to say to the Krappens audience, I'm unlike Ronnie, and if you have box seats to any sporting event, I will happily go. Thank you very much.

No, not me. I've been to a box thing before, and it was like hot dogs. Now, granted, it was for the El Paso Diablos. It was not that fancy. But I was like, could we get a better box? Because I see some steamed hot dogs and some Snickers bars. Okay, you didn't even wrap these and plate them? Really? Okay. So Whitney is like, before Milwaukee happens— Wait, before that—

Milwaukee happens to be the home of the largest bobblehead museum in the world. And then everyone looks over at Mary. So I've been dying to take Mary to the bobblehead museum because she called me nine a bobblehead.

And Mary's like, yes, I called her a bobblehead, but she's not a bobblehead anymore. She passed the baton to someone else. And then we just cut to Brittany and like, can't wait to give a speech about my boyfriend. Well, there's more than just bobbleheads in Milwaukee. It also has some casinos that we could go to. If I have some gamblers here and I see a few gamblers here. Now, by the way,

Well, you know what? I'm putting a pin in my, by the way, nevermind everyone. Let the lizards. Okay. Okay. So, um, they're like, some are going to go to the casinos. They're really excited. And some are going to go to the museum. So they're really excited. And then Mary gets a call from her son, Robert Jr. So she answers and she's like, everything. Okay. What's up?

I'm pretending to be nice. It's exhausting. Please just make it quick. And he's like, I was just wondering if I could have $60 on the cash. She's like, that's the only reason you called me. Did you call the check on me? He's like, uh, yeah. Can't even just like, are you sending? He's just waiting for the ding. Like,

You're never going to get recruited by the lizards at this rate. So then that kid is definitely not being recruited by the lizard. No, the lizard bus just passed you by. I feel like the lizard bus probably goes by there every morning and it's like, nah,

No. Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckas. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. Ashley Savoni, she don't take no baloney. Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no tricolous. Jamie, she has no less namey. Ava Nagila Weber, no.

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