Break Toxic Patterns: Heal Before You Date! | Ashley Taylor-Maland DSH #756
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early relationship early on when your brain is still developing and kind of adapt to a certain behavior from people because you don't know better and so from that point on that becomes your normal so you start choosing people that fit the same patterns that that person did and that's what i did i i just wasn't i didn't have the confidence i didn't have the the value in myself um i didn't know what i deserved

All right, guys. Got Ashley Taylor-Mayland here today. We're going to talk relationships. Okay, let's do it. That's a hot topic, right? It sure is. Everybody can relate to that topic. Yeah. What drove you to be so passionate about speaking out about this stuff? I've just... I had a... In my early younger years, I had an abusive relationship. And I realized after doing some of the healing work and getting in therapy that I had a pattern with the types of people that I was choosing. And...

it really affected my life. And I, I had to really like dig deeply within and go, okay, why are you choosing people that aren't a good fit for you? Um, so that was kind of how my journey began. And, um,

after my divorce, I just really dug in. I dug in and did the work on the inside and started talking about it online. And it was just like, it blew up. Everybody, everyone in the world can relate to it. You know, that's so deep. When I was friend zoned in high school, I would see these girls always go after the same toxic guys. I'm like, why are they doing that? Yeah. And there's a reason for that. It all, it stems from so many things. Um,

For some people, it's childhood wounds that they have that they've never healed. For some, it's an early relationship early on when your brain is still developing and you kind of adapt to a certain behavior from people because you don't know better. And so from that point on, that becomes your normal. So you start choosing people that fit the same patterns that that person did. And that's what I did. I just wasn't, I didn't have the confidence. I didn't have the value in myself, um,

I didn't know what I deserved. I'd only experienced one type of thing. And because all the relationships I chose after that kind of mirrored that same pattern, I continued just thinking that was how it is. That's just how people are. That's how they behave in a relationship. Yes. You were probably subconsciously attracting the same type of person. Yeah. 100%. Without even realizing it. Without even realizing it. Because no one goes out and chooses, oh, I really want someone toxic. Right.

That's the goal. Like, give me the toxic guy. That's not what we do. But there are certain little things that, you know, a normal, healthy, healed person sees in someone and they can go, okay, this is not a good fit for me. This is a red flag. Yeah. Versus when you're like, oh, this is what I'm used to.

I've accepted this before. And because I don't have the confidence or the value in myself, I'm going to allow it because I really want this person to like me. Yeah. I would see these people keep dating cheaters. Like they would get cheated on, stay in it and just blew my mind because I'm so logical. So that to me never made sense. Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't until you're in the situation. I think a lot of people accept cheating because they have like a deeply empathetic heart. I think they want to believe that

People are being honest when they say, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done this. And so they're looking for the good in someone, even when they're showing them the bad. And I think that's why a lot of people say, and again, back to childhood wounds, wounds that you haven't healed, things you haven't done the work in and therapy where you don't believe you deserve better than that. Right. So do you think people should heal their wounds before dating?

I, yeah, actually I do. I'm a big advocate for if you're not doing the inner work, you shouldn't be dating because you can't possibly be ready for a relationship if you don't want to know what you need.

And if you don't know what triggers you and if you don't know what's going to hurt you, right? Like so many of us go in, we just dive into like the dating world. We have no idea who to look for, what kind of things and values that we have, what kind of standards we have, what kind of expectations we have. We don't know what's good for us in a partner. And so we're just kind of like going around like panning,

picking and choosing whoever is available, whoever is interested without any idea of what the consequences are going to be with being with someone that you're one, not compatible with and two, isn't going to be able to meet your needs. Right? So I think that healing work is, it's a journey. It's lifelong. But yeah,

You do as much as you can on your own, and then you put yourself out there when you know what your standards are so that you're not settling every single time you date someone new. Right. I love that. There's also societal pressure of friends and parents, especially for women, I feel like, in their 20s to, like, have kids and stuff and get married. Oh, yeah. I will say this. I...

Was totally like that. I think most young women are. They're like, I've got to get married by a certain age. I have to have kids by a certain age. I have to have the perfect family by a certain age. And they fear the thought of being 30 plus and being on the market. Knowing what I know now, I would rather be, because I've been married, I was married for 10 years. I would still rather be single at 50 and still have not found the one and have the peace of mind that I

the one will come into my life at some point, then just pick whoever to get, you know, all the checks off of my list. Wow. Because there is, it is really difficult to be in a marriage. You have to make sure that it's someone that you're genuinely, truly compatible with, that you're,

can love you in the ways that you need and want and vice versa. You want it to be your best friend, right? You want to enjoy that person even when the romance is gone. Absolutely. And if you pick just anyone, the struggles are just 10 times harder. Yeah. So you got married young. I did. I was 26. Every day, thousands of Comcast engineers and technologists like Leslie vote people at the heart of everything they create.

With my team at Comcast, we developed the Xfinity voice remote and tested it to recognize different types of accents, inflections, and languages. New movies. Movies for kids. Now 40 million voice commands a day are heard by the Xfinity voice remote. Visit ComcastCorporation.com to learn more. Okay, so kind of young. Yeah, kind of young. I thought I was ready. I thought I was at a good age for it. Of course, I had that checklist, you know. But, um...

I really wasn't. I was not ready. I had not been in therapy. I didn't know who I was. I was very codependent, very insecure, had a lot of insecurities about relationships and love and trust and all these things. I had been cheated on in every relationship I'd been in. I had been in an abusive relationship, so my standards were very low. My expectations were high, but my standards were low. And so I just, I had no idea.

how to be in a relationship and actually be in a good, healthy place. Right. And it's hard to admit it might be you that's part of the problem. Oh, yeah. 100%. I wanted the fairy tale like every girl does, right? I wanted that fairy tale life where you get married and you're madly in love and you're doing all these romantic things together. And then the reality of it crushed me because it was nothing like I had hoped it would be or wanted it to be. And that wasn't any more his fault than it was mine for expecting it, you know? But that was just the way that it happened. And

That hit me really hard. Yeah, when I see my friends break up with people and they take no accountability, I'm like, dude. It's not 100% the other person's fault, right? It's a relationship. That's right. Whether it's 90-10 or 50-50. That's right. I'm so big on accountability. Even in the abusive relationships that I've had, I think it's super duper important to look within yourself and go, okay, yes, this person was abusive. This person was toxic. And I didn't deserve that.

But it's my responsibility to ask myself why I allowed it. It's my responsibility to ask myself how do I heal from this and get myself into a place where I don't ever allow it again. Right? Right. But it is so easy to point a finger. It's so easy. It's so easy to just go, oh, they were abusive or they were toxic and it was all their fault. But that's not really true because people can only treat you how you accept and allow them to treat you.

It's tough. Yeah, I used to do it with friends whenever we would split ways with friends. Yeah. I would talk negatively and I had to stop doing that. Oh, wow. Because just in high school, gossip is like the hot thing. Yeah, it sure is. I don't know if I picked it up from that. I don't know if it's just high school. I think that's life. Yeah, that's true. Even coworkers, you know, there's always people talking negatively. How old were you when you realized like, okay, this isn't who I want to be? Probably like recently, honestly, maybe 25 because I had victim mentality. I had the gossiping going on. It was just bad.

I mean, it's so easy to get sucked into it. It really is. It's when things go south, whether they're friendships or relationships, it is really, really hard to look at yourself. It is really hard when someone has hurt you to go, you know what? It wasn't just them. Yes, they hurt me, but it was two people involved in this situation. And, um,

As much as it hurts to like say, you know what, I have fault here too. It's really vital to our growth, like our inner growth. Like you can't change and be the best version of yourself if you can't look at where you're falling short in your own life, you know, in your relationships especially. Yeah. Are you on speaking terms with your ex or –

Which one? With my ex-husband, I am. Yes, we have a daughter that's nine. So I talk a little bit about just my own stuff in the marriage. I don't ever talk about the marriage itself because it's really important to me that my daughter never hears a single thing about her father from me, especially in public settings. She should never have to hear any negative word about her dad. He's a great dad. He's a great dad, and our marriage didn't work, and that's okay. It's a bummer, and it was hard for both of us, but...

she should only ever know the good things about him. And that's, you know, something I stick to. Yeah, that's respect because there's people bashing their exes on social media. Oh, yeah. I mean, I talk about my internal experience, like my struggles, the pain that I experience and my thoughts. I read a lot and I think that's OK, but I can't I can't do that. In fact, I was asked to go on a dating show a couple of months ago.

And once I got into like the stages of the interviews and things like that, they wanted me to dog my ex-husband. They wanted me to just like tear him limb from limb because they were trying to create like the story around, you know, my spot in the show. And it just didn't feel good. It didn't feel right at all. They were putting words in my mouth. And I thought like, I can't, I can't live with that. Like I can't have something that would be on national television that my daughter will see one day, that my family will see one day, that he would see one day knowing that I did it wrong.

And said all these horrible things about someone that is my daughter's father. Like, I can't do that. It just, it felt so wrong. And I even told them, like, I'm sorry, but I just can't. And they were like, okay. And they just let me go. So I was like, okay, now I know for sure that's what they wanted me to do. But I feel good about that choice. I might know what dating show that was.

You do? Was it too hot to handle? No. Oh, okay. No, it was a new one, actually. It was like a pilot episode they were going to be creating. Oh, got it. So, yeah, they wanted me to like...

put like put on my old wedding dress that I never wore and it was it was getting wait you never wore it I never wore it yeah we we got married with the justice of peace and never had a wedding whoa yeah so and and at first I was okay with it um over the years I'm like man I never I never had like that dream wedding right um and that's okay but I yeah I still have that dress yeah so they were like well we want you to wear it on the show and we can talk about how you never wore it I'm like

something feels weird about this like I just don't want that to be the narrative around my you know spot here but yeah my parents got married in courthouse but I know how important it is to my fiance to have a wedding yeah it is every girl's dream yeah I'm going all out on it's expensive oh holy crap that was one of the biggest things we argued about was like the just the cost of things and that was part of why we didn't even have one yeah if you want like 100 200 people it's like 100,000 bucks I can't even imagine it's pretty nuts that's the benefit of not having a

wedding. Yeah. Save a lot of money. That could be vacation money right there, you know? Yeah. It could be down payment on a new house, but... How important do you think is it to have, like, weekly or monthly conversations with your significant other? Oh, I think daily. Daily? Oh, 100%. I mean, don't get me wrong. I think everyone has to have their own life, especially in relationships. Like, being an ex-codependent person, um...

I understand that we all need our own space. We all have to have our own things going on. I think that's really, really important. And we have to have the grace to let other people that we're in relationships with kind of do their own thing too. But I think for me, and this might be a personal thing, communication is so important. I'm a communicator. I do well with communication. My anxiety stays here if I'm with someone that's a good communicator. If they're not, I'm just constantly up in my head and I...

It's something I'm working on, but I just, yeah, I think every single day you should be able to be open and honest about everything. You should be able to talk about anything. And maybe you can't like talk about the serious stuff every single day, but there should be a constant flow of communication, I think. Respect, yeah. What about lying? Like, do you tolerate that? That's a good question. I think it depends on the intention behind the lie.

I think if, because we're all imperfect, you know, no one's perfect. We're going to do things in relationships that we're not necessarily proud of. So I think if someone is lying to hide something that they want to keep from you so they can get away with something, that's wrong. I do think that sometimes we lie out of insecurity. I think we lie out of the fear of what someone's going to think of us. I do think that in a way is forgivable.

Because you can work through things like that. If someone lies about, oh, I have this position at my job and I'm making this much money, that's a weird lie. But it's also like I could see why they're trying to impress you. Lies are a red flag, period. But some things I think are forgivable. Yeah. My mom's on dating sites and she said a lot of guys lie about their height. Oh, yeah.

Every one of them. Every, especially the shorter guys and no judgment. No, I'm not. I don't mind short guys. Not at all. That's fine with me. But they always do. At least be realistic with it because she said she showed up to a date and the guy was her height. So he was off by six inches. Six? Yeah. What? Like I could see maybe an inch or two. Oh my God. That is a big lie. Yeah. Six is too much.

What did he think was going to happen? Oh, no. I'm not that short. Did you see him again after that? No, hell no. Because if you're going to lie about six inches, what else are you going to lie about? I mean, yeah, that's a big one. Yeah, you're right. If he had been like, yeah, I'm 5'10", but he was really 5'9", whatever. Yeah, an inch, whatever. I mean, I round up with the fro. I say I'm 6'6".

I could get by not, but six inches. You could pull off 6'6", though, because you are actually really tall. Yeah, it's harder to tell when you're taller. No one's going to be like, here, let me get the measuring tape out. Are you actually 6'6"? And she said age, too. Oh, that's interesting to me.

I will say when I first got on dating sites, I put my middle name instead of my first name. I don't do them anymore. I will never do dating sites again. But, but, um, yeah, I put my middle name instead of my first name. So people couldn't Google you. Yes. That's exactly why I didn't want them looking at my social media. I didn't want them seeing who I was. Like I wanted to get to know them on a personal level and be like, Oh yeah, by the way. Yeah. It's easy to judge someone when you see their Instagram or something. Yeah. Why are you against dating apps now?

I'm not against them for everyone. For me, the experiences that I've had weren't great. I felt like I met a lot of people that were looking for superficial things. And dating sites were easy for them. It was an easy way to meet multiple people at a time. And I'm such a...

If I'm dating you, I'm dating you. I'm not dating other people, which I know is not how the world works anymore, but that's how I am. Monogamous. I'm very monogamous. A rare concept. Very faithful, very loyal immediately, even if it doesn't benefit me in the long run. It's just how I am. I can't do the multiple dating people thing. But that seems like dating sites are just – there's a lot of people that are like, this is my way of having all the options. And, yeah, I didn't –

They didn't care for that. And lying, too. Lying, yeah. They made it so easy now to date. It's crazy. Back then, you have to work for it. Yeah, you really did. Meet someone in the grocery store or the bar or something. Yeah, talk for two hours on the phone. Now you can barely get a text back because they're texting 16 other people. So it's like... It's crazy. And Instagram is pretty much dating up. Oh, my God. You probably get so many people sliding in your DMs. But it's all the scary people. I joke with my friend, Sarah. Like, I...

I don't know what other people are like on their social media or what kind of, you know, invitations they get on their social media, but mine are all like scary people out in the middle of nowhere that look like convicts that I'm like, why me though? Why do I get all these, you know, creepers? But,

It is what it is. It's pretty wild. I even get some. Do you? I show my girl. We just crack up. I mean, it's sad, too. Like, I feel for them. No, I can't believe girls are shooting their shot now. It used to be traditional where guys are the one making the move. Oh, it's so common. I mean, I'll admit, if I was out, I saw a guy that I was super interested in that I thought was really attractive, I have no issue just going over and saying, hey, how are you? Let's get a drink. I have no issue doing that. Wow. You're an alpha. Yeah.

I don't want to be an alpha, but I just, I don't know. I've always been that way. Like I, in fact, that was how I met my ex-husband. Like, yeah, we passed each other in a bar and I was like, Hey, and yeah, that was it. Wow. It was over from there. It was literally over from there for another 10 years. So, um, but I'm trying to work on like stepping back, like letting someone come to me if they're interested, because I think that it's, it's good to like,

Men like to pursue. Yeah. I think. You could tell me if I'm wrong. No, I think they do. Well, some of them do. Yeah. Yeah. The simps don't like to. Oh, really? Yeah. What do you mean? Like some guys with hella money, they just want the girls to come to them. Oh. You know?

That's annoying. Yeah. That's super annoying. They're like, I don't even need to pursue them. But that's only like the top 1%. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. That's true. Which that reminds me of like, what's that guy's name? Andrew Tate. You knew it immediately. You say top 1%, you immediately think Andrew Tate. And that's exactly what I'm talking about. But like, I don't know about him. He just, he rubs me the wrong way. Really? Yeah. What aspect of him? There are some things I do agree with. But I don't like the idea that

He talks so egotistically and...

I don't like that. I mean, we all have a little bit of ego within us, right? But he talks like women are just there to make his life better. Now, don't get me wrong. I think if you're in a relationship, you should both be actively trying to make each other's lives better. And I don't know the guy. He could be very different in his relationships. But I hate the idea of super wealthy men just wanting to date all the women they can because they can and treating them all like just little pieces of their puzzle. I don't like that. Yeah. They see it very positively.

puzzle almost. Yeah. I think it's superficial and I don't know how people do that. Yeah. I guess when you have that much money, it's weird, right? Yeah. I guess that's true. They have a lot of trust issues and they just want to accomplish a certain thing. I don't know. I don't know either. I wish I did, but anyway. We'll see. Um, going back to the trauma stuff and overcoming that, how were you able to finally break that? Cause that's something you had your whole life, right? Oh, literally my entire life. I, uh, it was like sometime last year. Um,

I had kind of been dating someone. It felt, it just fell apart. Same thing. Um, and it,

I don't know what happened, but in that moment it hit me so hard and I kept thinking to myself, why am I this upset over this person that I really didn't date that long? And I realized it wasn't because of the, it wasn't even because of him. It was because of all of the other relationships that I had been hurt in and felt betrayed in and been abused in all like coming to the surface because I had never really sat with that. Um,

And I just hit rock bottom. And I really emotionally, I went there, I felt very suicidal. And I just realized like, I need to heal from these things because they're going to keep coming back up. They're going to keep resurfacing. I'm going to keep choosing people like this. This is going to be a pattern. If I don't stop, like I will continue to invest in people that aren't going to invest in me. And I didn't, I just didn't want to do it anymore. And I thought whatever it takes, whatever I have to do. So I got in therapy.

I started exercising more, getting healthier physically, mentally, spiritually. I started reading books that were inspiring, listening to podcasts that were inspiring, speakers that were inspiring, listening to music that felt good to listen to that was positive, doing affirmations. But I think the most important thing I did was I realized that, you know what, it's okay to feel this way. And I learned to sit in my emotions and actually face them.

and let them process through my body because what we don't process in our bodies is stored. Wow. And so when I started letting the emotions come, sitting in them, regardless of how long it took, if I cried for a solid two hours, I allowed it. I just sat with it and accepted that, yeah, this hurts. This sucks. I hate that I'm, you know, 37 and every relationship has failed. I hate that I chose a lot of it. I hate that I accepted a lot of it. Um, but it's okay to feel this way. And I know now I know better now. Hmm.

Um, so sitting with it, writing, journaling, um, and just like doing the work. I just did the work on my own. I stopped dating completely. I put myself completely off the market. I focused on myself, my health, my mental health therapy and my daughter and just took a step back from like the world around me for a while. And it was brutal. Um, and I'm, it's still an everyday process. Still working on it. Um, some days I still wake up really, really sad. Um, but that's okay. Like I'm okay with that now. And, um,

when I look back now, I can see like the change and the growth that I've had since then. - Yeah, that's so important 'cause so many people feel like they should be in a relationship. - Yeah, yeah. - And they just bounce like to the next one. - That's exactly right. - They never give time to reflect or self-improve. - That's right. I had a video that went viral around that time where I talked about like, you have to heal alone for a while. Like you have to kind of like restart. You have to recalibrate your brain and your mind and your spirit and like,

Really look within and figure out what it is that you need in a relationship. And if you can't do the healing work alone, the patterns are hard to break. And that video just blew up, and I was so glad. And of course, some people disagree. They're like, you can still be in a relationship while you're healing. And you can. You absolutely can. But there has to be at least, I believe, there has to be at least a set amount of time

where you're just doing it for yourself. You're not doing it because you're in a relationship. You're not doing it for someone else. It has to be the internal work for yourself, right? Absolutely. Have you ever gotten a brain scan? No. I just got one at Dr. Amen. Really? And it showed I had childhood trauma.

No. Yeah, you should look into one. It was fascinating. Oh, that's going to be scary, but I want to. Yeah, so now I'm working on fixing it. I didn't even know I had it because you get so used to the way you grow up, I guess, that you think it's normal. Yeah. Similar to dating. Yeah. And yeah, now I'm trying to figure out what it was.

What? And trying to fix it. But they're helping me out through that. You're kidding. So what do they recommend? There's like this thing you wear called a Muse headband. Yeah. So that helps. Therapy they recommended. Hit workout three to four times a week.

I might do some psychedelic therapy. We'll see. Wow. Have you done that? No, but I'm very curious about it. Yeah, I'm looking into it. There's a couple ones like ketamine, psilocybin. Yeah. And if you want to full send it, ayahuasca, but I don't know. Right? I've always been curious about the ayahuasca. I'm like, that would be a wild, crazy experience and terrifying. Terrifying. But it sounds amazing. Everyone I know that I've done it, and I've talked to maybe 100 people by now about it,

has spoken highly of it. Really? Even though it might have sucked in the moment, like by the time it finished, like they learned so much about themselves. That's what I've heard too. Like I watched Joe Rogan. He always talks about stuff like that with people and they talked about how it's like literally life-changing. Like it changes your entire perspective on the world and yourself. And I think that's like so cool. Like I would love to have that experience. We might have to look into a journey together. Yeah, let's go. Let's go.

But yeah, we're in the middle of nowhere out on some island somewhere just for real floating around in space. I know. But shout out to Dr. Amen because I was a life changing moment. Yeah. I did not know I was dealing with that. Really? So do you have like memories from your childhood that you can like recall anything or is it like blocked out? I don't know if it's a specific memory, just a compilation. But I think it's neglect. Neglect.

Because I grew up in a divorce setting and my parents would never show up to my sports games and I kept bouncing friend groups. So I'm thinking it's something around that, like abandonment or neglect. Oh, 100%. You have like a, yeah, you have an abandonment wound. I think so. Yeah. And that affects your entire life too. I did as well. Yeah. And it was tough because I would get so close with people and then run away from them.

Like I was scared. Because you knew they would, you believed they would run away from you. Probably, right? Like subconsciously. You thought if I don't leave, they're going to leave and that hurts. Yeah. Like I would literally have a best friend and one day just run away. That's so sad. Like end the friendship. And I'm thinking it's because of abandonment or trust or something. 100%. It's interesting how different people process that. Like I have an abandonment wound and my reaction to that was just to always like latch on even harder. Oh, wow. Like to hold on as hard as I could, even if it was hurting me to hold on.

Um, because I was scared of them leaving. I was so scared of someone leaving that I wouldn't let them leave even when they wanted to, you know? So that's why you stayed in relationships longer than you should have. A hundred percent. That makes sense now. Yeah. A hundred percent. Because people would see it outside in like, why is she still there? Oh, and that's the case with a lot of abusive relationships too. They're like, no one understands it. They're like, why would you stay in a relationship that's abusive? That doesn't make any sense. Well, you say, because one, you don't know you deserve better. Two, you're, you're terrified of being alone. And the

pain of leaving feels scarier than the pain of staying. It's hard to explain. There's all kinds of brain chemistry going on and

You know, they say that people who have been in domestic violence relationships actually have similar brain scans to war veterans. Whoa. So PTSD, trauma. PTSD and trauma. It sounds insane. Holy crap. Because you think there's like no comparison here, but they're actually, like your brain doesn't know the difference. Right. It just knows it's experiencing trauma, right? It's really intense. Yeah, trauma is trauma. I mean, they've done scans on kids that grow up in multimillion dollar houses. Wow. There's still trauma. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

you experience it at all levels. It doesn't matter where you come from. Yeah. It's pretty wild. I'd be curious to see yours. I'm curious too now. I'll put you in a group chat with them. Yeah. That's going to be very interesting. Oh gosh. I'm yeah. I would, I would love to do that. Like I'm excited. Yeah. I think it's important to like, I'm making my fiance get, well, I'm not making her, but I think it's interesting to see hers. And then that way we could both evolve together. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. To be able to go like, Oh, there's your trauma. Here's mine. Let's

Do what we got to do to make this work. She always pointed out that I had some too. And I would just, my ego would get in the way and say, no, no, my childhood was normal. So what was different? You said that you always ran away when you got close to someone. What was different when you met your fiance? I would honestly distance myself too whenever she would get emotional or give me physical affection. So it took me years to like embrace it.

And she kind of just stuck it out. Yeah. I never got hugs growing up. My parents never told me they loved me. So that was just normal to me. You know? So it was almost like uncomfortable for you to receive it. When she used to hug me, I was like, what is this? Like, this is weird. We don't do this. This is not normal. No, it took a while to embrace it for sure. That is so sad. But that's her love language, physical touch. So I got to be there for her. That's beautiful. That is beautiful because like,

Even though you didn't know it, internally your need was someone who was physically affectionate because you didn't ever have that growing up and you found someone. That's their love language. That's such a beautiful thing. And now you can grow and evolve and heal from that. Yeah, I think the universe put her here for a reason. And likewise, I think I compliment her well too because she had some trauma. That's what relationships are, right? Yeah, they are. It's so beautiful. When you can find someone that you have compatibility with

That is like look I'm not perfect and I have a lot of work to do and they want to grow as an individual That is a huge green flag because they're more likely to want to grow with you too, you know, yeah, I love green flags I love I'm still waiting for you know, somebody to hit all those green flags What what other green flags you got I think communication somebody that's a good communicator. Oh, it's nearly impossible. Oh

Nearly impossible. But they're out there because I'm one. So yeah, somebody who's consistent with communication. Someone who is, I don't want to say emotionally stable. I hate that word because it's like we all have emotions and we're all up and down if we're honest. But someone who can remain calm

In conflict. Like that's a big one for me. I don't do well with like angry, irritable people. Like when someone gets super duper angry at me, if they're like yelling or they're cussing or whatever, I immediately withdraw. Like immediately shut down. I feel that. Close off completely. I'm the same. Yeah. I hate it.

I can't. So that would be yelled out as a kid and just go to my room. Yeah. So like, yeah, exactly. So your trauma is like now that's at a trigger. Like you are now immediately triggered the second someone's yelling or screaming. You're like, nope, done. Oh, I shut down. I can't even respond. Yeah. I don't, I go silent, completely silent. And then I never feel the same again with them.

Like it's never the same. I never have that safe feeling with them. Yeah. So you need someone that has control over their emotions. Control over their emotions. Yeah. That's a maturity level that not a lot of people these days ever get to. And the ability to

handle a woman's emotions with grace and like understanding and understand that we are emotional creatures and we do cry sometimes and we do get our feelings heard and that's okay like it doesn't make us weird or needy or over the top like that's just life like that took me some time too yeah I used to to be honest well yeah because you were saying you would shut down and kind of like distance yourself and I wasn't exposed to that because my mom was tough love so like I didn't see that side of woman growing up oh wow

Wow. Yeah. I never saw my mom cry or she would only get angry and that's it. That's so interesting, especially for like women. It's really interesting to me when they don't have like that more feminine nature with their emotions. Well, she might have behind the scenes, but she never showed it to me. So,

So that was probably part of her trauma. Probably. Feeling like she had to, like, look and be a certain way all the time on the outside. I think Asians are like that. Yes. That's so true. I have heard that before. Yeah. They need to put on that front. Yep. Which I don't agree with. I don't think anyone should. It's a cultural thing in a lot of places, too. Yeah, it's tough. And for men, too, honestly. Yeah. Being the man of the house and not crying. Yeah. Look down if you cry. Yeah. When I see a man cry, I don't care what it is, I immediately start crying. It's like...

Like, oh, my God, a man is crying. I'm so moved. Like, I'm emotional. It's a rare sight these days. It is. So many people bottle it in. Yeah. My dad was very stoic. He still is. He's very stoic. But I will never forget the only time I've ever seen him cry. He had come home and his mother had passed away like a couple of months before this from cancer and my grandma. And he got a call that his dad, my grandpa, had been in a car accident and

And he, I remember I was little, I was like 10. I remember him leaving the house and he was gone. And then I remember hearing him come in. It was like the middle of the night. And I could, I heard him come in because I was a light sleeper. And I went into the kitchen and he was sitting by the door with his hands, like covering his face, sobbing. And my dad is like macho,

tough guy. You stay stoic all the time. You don't show him, you don't cry. There's no such thing as depression. He doesn't even believe in it. Like, so I was just like, I mean, it was like gut punch. Like he was crying. And I just remember like, I started bawling immediately. I was like, yeah,

why? Wow. But he was, it was something about your parents, I guess, passing away. You can't, no matter how tough or, you know, you think you are. No, that's a tough one. Yeah. Some things will, some things will get you. Ashley, where can people reach out to you if they need help and learn more about you? So you can follow me on TikTok. It's hard for me to read messages on there, but it's Ashley Taylor Maland on TikTok. On Instagram, it's Ashley Maland.

I also have a podcast called Not For Nothing Podcast out of Fort Lauderdale, Miami. And we talk about life, love, relationships. We bring on guests that have inspirational stories. Yeah. So you can find me on any of those platforms and Facebook probably too. But yeah, reach out to me. I respond to as many messages as I can. I am not a fan of Facebook.

I am not a therapist, so I can't solve all your problems, but I am a great listener and I will always give encouragement and any perspective that I might have on a situation. So perfect. We'll link below. Thanks so much for coming on. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. Thanks for watching guys. As always. See you tomorrow.