Whitney Cummings
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it.

This episode is brought to you by FX's The Old Man starring Jeff Bridges and John Lithgow. The hit show returns as the stakes get higher and more secrets are uncovered. The former CIA agent sets off on his most important mission to date, to recover his daughter after she's kidnapped. FX's The Old Man premieres September 12th on FX, streamed on Hulu. Whitney Cummings on today, Dana. Whitney, she's one of my friends that when I'm on Instagram...

I used to see her podcast on there right when we were starting. I was like, oh, she has one and Theo and Tim Dillon. All of the people I know and hang out with a little bit. So Whitney, it was about time. You know, Fly on the Wall has got a little leaning toward SNL, but we also work in just funny comics to get a good funny hour out of it. She loved SNL. Yeah, and they all love SNL and they're all influenced by SNL. So that's the connection. That's our big tie-in.

She comes in with a lot of energy and really dropping some funny, funny ad-libs in this. I wanted you to call her or I'll call her and say, I don't know if those are planned bits, but you can make a special out of some of those things. Yeah, some of these things are. She has some very, very funny riffs and lots, lots of energy. Yeah, good on her feet. A lot of good road stories. She was the first. And when I met her, she was show running two shows.

She had Whitney the show, and she also had Two Broke Girls she created. And that was just right when she got here when she was 29, I think. So she's been working hard since. So I see her a lot at the improv and the comedy store. She just had a baby, and...

We're all trying to figure out who's the dad. That's the reality show, and the host is... The initials are DS. Yeah. Welcome to Who Da Baby Daddy? So anyway... You're saying it as a timeout. No, I was doing a scissor for Greg. Yeah. Okay, we can cut that. Anyway...

We have. It's bad enough we made fun of Biden. We don't need this on us. Yeah, yeah, we don't need this shit. The mics will be turned off next. No, anyway, she was great. Really, really fun high-energy interview. Here is the lovely and hilarious Whitney Cummings.

I wasn't the star of the Zoom COVID shows like you were, Spade. How dare you right off the bat. He played, you played elevators. Didn't you play an elevator once? You did just like a one minute set. He had lined a fountain at the Grove. I thought we weren't going to do this, Whitney. Dude, he killed at the American Girl plays. God damn it, I said it. Yeah, you fucked it up. Thank you. Thank you. No.

God, that's all I wanted, all I wished for. Can you say it again? Just articulate it. You killed at the American Girl doll place. I don't even know what it's called. Close enough. I did pretty good when I did the balcony of Cheesecake Patio. Dude, I could not follow you at Build-A-Bear. You murdered. Oh, that was pretty smooth. Okay. Thanks, thanks, thanks. I'm warming up, warming up. You know where I never do well? Zara. Changing room. At Zara. By the way, are you one of those people, do you shop at Zara?

I've walked by, yeah. You know, like, I love the new brag that people do that they have the least expensive clothes. It used to be like, it's Gucci. If someone's like, I like your shirt, you're like, Gucci or whatever. But now it's like Zara. Like, I only paid $10 for it. Like, 19 children made it. Oh, they bragged that they...

Yeah. More kids made it. It costs way less. That's not even a tie dye. That's a child's tear. Like the bragging of how cheap their clothes are now. Yeah. Well, the whole economy has made America turn into air one.

Erewhon. You know, I'm jumping in. I don't even know if we're recording. Are we? We're almost over. Yeah, we are. And there's there's no structure and no really good. I agree. I. One of my favorite.

No, I love the show. No, it's unbelievable. No, there's a lot of them. I'm just going to go out on a limb and say there's a lot of shows out there. Three million. By the way, I'm going to say something that's going to get me in trouble. I'm going to say something that's going to get me uncast from the sequel to the Pop-Tart movie. Your interview with Seinfeld was, I think, maybe the best of anyone that's ever interviewed him. Maybe the only good one.

Whoa, that won't get you in trouble with us. He was so funny. He loves, as you know, the process of standup. I think he could have done another two hours about the idiosyncratic aspect of the art of or in science of standup, right? He was fat. He just kept saying to you guys, like, fascinating, fascinating. It was I loved it. He liked it. And he's also not afraid to tell me when I have a horribly dumb question. But I like that because that means that when he's positive, it's real.

That but that's what I think, you know, he was trying to figure out. I love when he said, do you guys listen to podcasts? Why? I hate Spain. I heard you laugh. No, no. Why would I never do that? But I think, yeah, no, these things are a mess. But I I liked it because it felt like there's so few people he could be gruff with. Like, I think that when you're a comic, you're like a heavyweight and everyone else is a lightweight, not in a negative way.

way. You're better if you're not someone whose default is to play rough. But the fact that he really felt like he could like play rough with you and like play. And it felt like he was just, it's rare that I see him have that much fun. The, the fascinating nexus between him and Leno, who maybe Leno probably had the, maybe the best quote in the history of standup defining it for open micers, right? Joke.

Tell joke, get check. Everybody boiled it down. And Jerry is a disciple, I don't know, religiously, but he's into stoicism, which is this Roman emperor thing that you do not create problems you don't have.

and problems you can't solve, you ignore. So whenever you, Jerry's bluntness is a push against that. What if I don't have new material? No, write more jokes. You know, it's like, and it's very, that's what, that's where it's coming from. And once I understood that, I thought I wasn't on my heels. I, what, what, what's all this aggression coming from? He just can't stand negativity. Well, he also says he doesn't suffer fools. Like if you're not funny. I wonder what Whitney says. No, I'll get to her. Okay.

Which, by the way, Spade, I was about to give Spade a compliment just really quick. I love listening to both of you together. I get why this show's a hit. One of my favorite things Spade has ever done is when you were on Howard Stern. This must have been like 12 years ago. I love it when you drop a reference that is so esoteric. Truly, no one gets it. I think I'm the only one.

You sat down on Howard Stern's couch and you went, oh, what is this? The gallery? I mean, it's like there's one the gallery. It hasn't been open in like 20 years. It's out in Alhambra.

It was just like, I love it. You're like, what's for you? And that one was for me. Thank you. Yes, it was weird furniture. It is a funny moment when you go on Howard Stern and they put you in and you sit there and then they put the thing on you and the mic is there. It's like you're getting a little kid's hat on or something. It's just a funny moment. Here we go. And that's right.

It's also 4 a.m. Like the Nesta hasn't even worn off. I still have nitrile PM pulsing through my veins. I'm like, this is going to go real Roseanne, real bad. Every time I walk out of Howard's store, I'm like, that went well. Then someone gives me my phone. It's like 47 missed calls from my publicist being like, why did you sit on a vibrator saddle? Oh, yeah. Why did you sit on a vibrator saddle?

That's the old Howard, though. Now it's long form interviews, right? Yeah, that's true. But but oh, to get back to the stoicism thing, Dana, are you into stoicism? Well, I think it's a good thing if you can do it, not worry about things you can't control. And these were the Greeks like a thousand years ago, right? A Roman emperor, Marcello was a conglomerate.

kind of wrote a book called Meditations, which had a lot of the, it was a diary to himself, but it was discussing philosophy of life and nature and everything. And part of it, the core thing is don't make problems where they don't exist. You go to a therapist about that, you know, being neurotic.

And if it is a problem you can't solve, don't worry about it. If you can not worry, if you can go through life at peace and not worrying about things you can't control, that's a good thing. But that's all, that's the limit of my knowledge, Whitney. Go ahead. I just, as a general rule, I tend to not take advice from a thousand year ago Romans. As a general rule, I try to not take, whatever. I try to not take advice from-

from men that just had sex with kids like i don't know it's a new thing where everyone's like you know what the roman said i'm like i feel like their judgment was a little off i don't know they probably they live to be 24 they lived in like castles and wore dresses and sandals like how hard was their life like i i just don't know if 2 000 years ago wisdom applies to like are we addicted to social media you know right what was what did he say about like

What would Jerry say? No. The Roman guy. Oh, the Roman guy. I like that Jerry's not self-indulgent. Like he's like, it's not my job to care. Right. It's like, you know, I like, he says, don't sorry to interrupt you. I'll keep doing it. But he, uh, he says,

about stand-up because i said oh we're doing a special then i hate i hate throwing everything away i don't even want to throw everything away i love it so much he's like don't throw it away you don't have enough good stuff like everyone thinks they have a great new hour he goes you don't your first hour is great and then it just gets watered down and watered down and they keep churning them out it is hard to do it because you want to percolate with that stuff and let it marinate for years before you go this one is fucking tight and then you go do it and they go okay throw it in the garbage

I have a question for you too. Has, has doing the podcast changed the way you perform standup? Because sometimes I feel like this pressure to be more conversational because you know what I mean? And like, will I come off corny if I come out with jokes for a bunch of people that have heard me having like more casual conversations? Does it ever affect you? Oh, I see. Yeah.

I would think that it did affect me in a way. If I'm in a small room, I don't know about if it's a big casino or something, all the noise. But I would even call it podcast stand up. In other words, sometimes I I wrote a bit about the world's first sociopath to say it's like a little story. I say this bit has never worked. I'm going to do it. I'm going to go through it again and tell you the parts you hate it.

And they love that. And I, it's kind of podcasty, put it that way. I love that. Do you find that since you've been podcasting, people are more interactive in the audience? I'm trying to figure out if it's from crowd work clips, if we've trained them. I don't, I don't mind. Did you, did you see the giant, sorry to interrupt, but I like to do it. The huge article in the New York times of wall street journal about the

the crowd work becoming the thing, even with comedians who could write an hour, what's better than me hatching a bit with crowd work. So when, when we came along, that was considered hacky to lean on, you know, to be a crowd work guy.

easiest thing in the world. Where are you from? Why is your wife a whore? You know, you know, so it is a big, it's, there's a movement now. I mean, you're aware of that, right? With younger standards. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't, I did not read the New York times article about it. I don't pay for my news. Um, I, you know, like, dude, I am, I am very up to date.

with the news as long as it's free. Like I've realized about myself, the news, the news can literally be like, are we going to war with Russia? I'm like, Oh my, are we? And it's like $2. Yeah. Dollars to hear that. I always tell people of the New York times. No, thanks. Whitney. The, what reason I do it is because I always tell anyone who has an opinion about anything immediately read the opposite.

immediately read the opposite. Don't just, just if you're worried about climate change, go read the wall street journal or go on Fox news if you're not and go. So I, I like to wall street journal and the wall street and the New York times are Coke and Pepsi of left and right. And it's a hundred bucks a year for a thing. And I just peruse their editorials. This is it.

Because I want to know what they think. New York Times is just a gay blog at this point, right? Isn't it just like a pride parade pamphlet? I don't know. I'm not really clear on what it even is. I mean, dude, the New York Times is like, I stopped following them on Twitter because they'll juxtapose the most horrendous news with like new twist on avocado toast.

And then the next tweet will be like 700 children blown up in Gaza. I'm like, Jesus, guys, like I know it's a little hard. Do you ever find yourself reading comments on after an editorial? And that's where you get a sense of this eye geist of the newspaper. But if you read comments in The New York Times about the Trump.

and Biden, it'll be like Trump is more crazy. He can't put two words together and he falls down. That's almost 300 comments saying, no, that's the guy. And then you go on Fox news and it's like Biden can't. So it's very interesting. You can get a quick hit on the American culture. I'm so much deeper that I'm wherever my algorithm is. Biden's a lizard. Uh, and Oh no. Why you give it to them?

Whitney just got a virtual thumbs up. Oh, you gave that mean you, you program it to thumbs up your own Joe. For those of you listening, you can't see this, but on my zoom, I'm basically, we all have to be Korean teenagers now where when I make a gesture, wait, this one is the most embarrassing. If you give two thumbs up, it's fireworks. Yeah.

Whitney is making gestures and then fireworks are coming up. And so how to, to,

To tell, to, for old people, how do we get that on? I don't know. The reason I was late to the call, cause I just read downloaded zoom. I don't go on zoom. There was a, um, did you not read? There was a, uh, it was released at the zoom terms of agreement, which by the way, we never read, which is so funny. No, never read any of these. It says you're donating to Russia. Totally. Like, and it was zoom. They were using our zoom calls to train robots. Yeah.

which I think would be very funny if the robots were a remix of comedians doing podcasts. At least we don't have to worry about them taking over. So I've been all the robots are doing crowd work now. Also with zoom calls and stuff. Don't you feel like people are abusing this a little bit? I'll get on a zoom and I'm like, you guys, this was a text at most. This was a fucking one sentence. This was barely an email. Like, what are we doing here? Would you like us to manage your cookies? That, that comes up a lot.

Would you like us to? Cookies are your past searches, right? I think it's how they harvest us and sell us to robots. I think it's vagina. Sick. Cookies allows them to record us. So I have absolutely, I'm sorry to cut you off. I feel like I'm just not answering your questions and being a good guest. You're our favorite guest so far. No pressure. I was actually going to ask you that.

Well, you're bringing a lot of funniness and energy. It was pretty nice. Dana decided to eat lunch during the podcast. I know. Are you choking on a Luden? What's happened? He's got a Luna bar. These are just little tangerines. Oh, my God.

Do you have a paid partnership with cuties? No, it's not an ice cream. A cutie is like a little fake ice cream. I mean, this is the level of fame, Dana and Spade. You have a paid partnership with Dole Fruit? Yeah. Everything about me. This is North Face. Everything about me is paid. These glasses are, yeah, everything is, yeah.

your pod sponsor is chiquita banana are you in a second grade classroom yeah jesus teacher are you like i wish you could see this she's got sorry i'm not in anne frank's basement spade what is that is that a sound booth that's a skateboard i had shit behind me but it was

There was photos of things and just always too distracting. So it was either have too much like you or Bobby Lee, where it's like so many bobbleheads and stuff, or you have something plain. So everyone just looks at me. And that's why I thought I won that round. You know what? A lot of people don't know a lot about you, Spade. You skateboarded for real?

No, I know how to skateboard. And so I kept getting, I was a skater from like, you know, eight years old to like until now, but I was pretty good at it in the pools and ramps to kill time. Cause I couldn't play football in high school. So I was dating, do you know, I'm dating a pro skateboarder. Oh,

Oh, I know your buddy. Yeah, I see him. I saw him at the improv with you the other night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but he's better than me. Yes. He's a professional skateboarder. And it's very hard. Wow. He forced me to watch Joe Dirt, which I had never seen before. Well, I don't know if forced is the word you're looking for. It was. I called Ronan Farrow after. I marched. I put on a pussy hat and marched. Okay, so you're famous and you're out there and you're Whitney.

So how do you meet a guy like that? Were you at a skate park or I just curious. Yeah, I was on Instagram. He DM me on Instagram, slid into the DM and I responded. Yep. And I exchange pictures. There's literally no other way to meet people. He knows how you look because there's only YouTube videos and specials. So did you want a picture of him?

And then I looked at his and I don't really know the skateboarding world. But what I will say is that skateboarding, the trajectory and the stand up trajectory are very similar. Like I literally started doing stand up in parking lots. You know, you do it on your own with a bunch of weirdos. You know, it's like skating is kind of the same, you know, like, you know, skating is physical injury. Like stand up, I guess, is more like emotional injury. I also didn't know about skateboarding. You get paid like

nothing unless you're like the guy, you know? And so, and so it's, it's, we actually had a lot in common from that, but I didn't know anything about skateboarding. I, I do prefer men who have CTE. Um, I don't like men that remember what I said yesterday, cause I'm such a hypocrite. So I was like, this could work. Um, but I didn't know he was like successful at it. And so I was like, congrats. Like, this is so cool that you're like,

trying to do this. It's like seeing an older man with braces. You're like, good job. Like, and then I found out he's like pretty good at it, you know?

Well, Tony Hawk was on and he'd go, I broke this five times, his shoulder. I broke the clavicle three times. It was almost like a badge of honor. How's your guy doing? Yeah, no, he's a disaster. It's the first time I've ever had to be on top. It's a nightmare. No, it's... You got a new hour. We're recording this. He comes home for a cunny. How was your kickflip? Of all the athletes, though, I dated a rock climber. That's even worse because rock climbers, they can't get their fingers wet.

That's not a joke. Is it true? Cause they'll die. They'll die. They'll slide off the mountain. Yeah. I think that's why he was dating an older woman. I don't know. But the point is that I dating athletes, I've never been a fan of because they're so competitive, like about every little thing. And like, you can't be like, Oh, take a left here. And he's like, I think it's right. I'm like, I think it's a left. And he's like,

Oh, it is a left. But then I'll be like, you know, it should have been a right because technically if the freeway like it should like he can't lose an argument. He can't, you know, like a keeper. We're both very petty. So it gets we get along great. But he loves Joe Dirt. He made me watch Joe Dirt. I had never seen it before. Is that weird?

You haven't gotten to a compliment yet, but I'll wait. That's a little weird. It's a classic, I would say, of the 90s comedies. She's like, it is a movie. I watched it. It was a movie that you were in. What else is there to say? I don't know. But watching it now for the first time is wild.

It's not really a girl movie. Go ahead. Because you're seeing David and it's nice in it. You and I are like real friends. And I was like, if this is such an iconic thing, what if I become a fan of and then like ruin our friendship? What if I'm like, hey, can I get a picture? Wouldn't that be weird if I all of a sudden became like a creepy fan of yours? Like, yeah, we don't want that.

You know what I mean? But are you glad that I love you for you and I'm friends with you? You know, there's a lot of people that I see that I, that don't know really anything because no one always watches everything like we've talked about. So I, I did see your shows, Whitney and I had seen too broke. We call it too broke. We do. Okay.

Okay. What do you call it? Are you busy? Too busy to finish it? Yeah. You call it TB. Did you, did you smile? What was the look on your face when you brought up two broke girls? Cause yeah, you just lit up. That was weird. Wasn't it? I went like,

I like a very bizarre, like Bell's Paul. Well, what are you like 25 and you make up a show and it does 140 episodes? I mean, I think you're kind of a, I don't know. You work hard looking at your very smart girl. Thank you. You keep going. I don't know. I mean, some of you got books you got. Oh, by the way, it's still called your podcast is called good for you. Thank you. Yes.

I've just wanted to promote that. I appreciate it. You guys know my pockets are doing well, but then people like you decide to start podcasts and now none of us are doing well. They're like, like we were doing great. We got a lot of competition too. We got fucking Ted dancing. You know, that dick has a podcast. Why? No, I'm not trying to be mean, but why he did it with Woody. I think they talk, do they talk? It's not only about cheers. It's about, uh,

Cheers at another bar. Yeah, I have to make sure that people do what I'm joking. He's an incredibly sweet guy. He's on a show next week. Yeah, he's coming out. A lot of people are doing it. Anyone that can outrun blackface.

They're just they're meant to be. They're cemented. They're cemented. The guy can literally do no wrong. But wait a minute. Did you think Whoopi was who kind of egged him on and probably put this stuff on Ted? Do you think she was secretly kind of smiling to herself?

Like, like, as he could never leave me now. Yeah, maybe. Do you think she applied it? I mean, that's my main thing with blackface. I'm like, let's let's talk about the person that applied it up to the waterline. I mean, like, Justin Trudeau's blackface. It's on his hands. I mean, that must have taken seven hours. It was like the X-Men makeup artist must have done it. I mean, that's what it really gets.

I never found it funny and I never was ever going to put have someone put me in blackface because I remember watching Al Jolson as a kid, those 1930s Shirley Temple movies. And it was like, this is not right. And I'm like 10 years old. I just go, I don't like it. When people ask me, you know, they're always like, so is the Hollywood business, is it a

A perverted place. I'm like, let's just put it this way. It was built on the back of a four-year-old toddler named Shirley Temple who was twerking on grown men at war.

She was always at war, like on a ship with a bunch of sailors. There was no mom. No babysitter in sight. No mom. She was just adopted by a bunch of old men. No intimacy coordinator. Judy Garland, who I did a sitcom with. Dude, remember her movie, The Finger Blast Lollipop, whatever that song was? We know how to make movies. When Shirley Temple is in a movie at four, that means she was cast at three.

three and a half. She was having wardrobe fittings at three. She got an agent at two. Headshots at one. She had a nose job in utero. Cold reading class. Nose job in utero. I like that. Mic drop. We're done. That's it. Okay, we can move on now. Whitney. Whitney, 15. Dana and David, three.

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Yeah, because it's such a nice ring. It's an unmarked thing, but then it says Blue Nile somewhere. Yeah. She goes, oh, you couldn't have. You wouldn't have spent that much. Oh, this has got to be a trick. This is too nice. Yeah, no. Right now, get 30% off. Select Lab Grown Diamonds on BlueNile.com. Plus, use code FLY, very important, to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. What is it?

That's $50 off with CodeFly at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. I never answered about the crowd work thing. So, look, I think it's cool that...

you know, we're moving a little bit like on social media, more towards things that are easier to make. I just look at it as that opportunity to go, okay, we can do something harder than that. Crowd work is a thing that you are supposed to just get as a, you know, fun surprise at a live show, but like to blow all of your written standup,

On clips, that was hard for us too. So it's like, if we can just go out and put crowd work on here and not blow the material we would put in a special, maybe this is a good way to feed the beast of social media. But it started trouble. Yes. You have to have content. If you're really in this business, you have to have something in this lip stream almost daily every other day. I...

I met many grumpy old men when I was coming up, you know, it ain't like it used to be. So I promised myself I wouldn't be someone going, well, that's not real comedy. So it's the way it is now in less than a minute that this new art form called clips.

And I find it really kind of fun. And we have people clip it together and they put little cartoons on it. So I was like, it's actually a cool new art form and it's people love it. And it's kind of like, you know, I think it's cool to let people know, like, yes, we write our jokes, but also look how funny we are extemporaneously. And if you do come to a show, you'll get a chance to talk to us. Like, you know, although the funny side effect to me is that like everyone in the first like three rows is dressed now, like they're going to get in a clip.

And it's like the first three rows, the bitches just have like hats and like cowboy. Everyone's just like ready to be on camera. Oh, like also make fun of me. Yeah, exactly. And they're kind of just like, do you want to make fun of my tits? And I'm just like, do I have to? Yeah. So I feel like people are kind of like ready to be on camera at all times, you know? Oh yeah. Which is fine too. Why not? Your podcast has clips that are funny. And so you're funny on those. And then, which we do those podcasts once too. And then,

Then you are doing clips from your standup. So when people come see you do standup, it's funny because in their mind, you better be funny on your podcast. You better be funny in crowd work because I had someone go, I thought your show was great, but I did see a bit you did on Ellen a couple of years ago. I'm like, how much, what is it? Can I not, I have to do 15 minutes on Ellen every three weeks. It's like, I have to repeat business, which is so annoying because like,

musicians, it's like, play the hits, play the hits. And we're just like, Jesus, you know, that's, that is really frustrating. That is my worst nightmare that I remixed. It's the exact opposite. You're like journey. And they fucking did. Don't stop believing. I almost walked out.

Yeah. I had a guy tell me once, maybe you guys have had this after a show years ago. He goes, no matter how many times I hear those jokes, they're still funny to me. You know, you're like, I need some new material. Oh, no. I'm obsessed with the backhanded compliments you get when you walk off stage. Like people genuinely think they're saying something nice. Like when you get off stage and someone's like, you know, you're too smart for them.

You were just too smart for them to just write over this crowd. They'd fuck this crowd. I'm like, I thought I did well. Like when I come off stage and someone's like, you are such a good writer. Like what? Yeah. What? I get a lot of like, you know what I love about you? You don't even care what you wear.

Like you don't even care how you look. You're just so, so authentic. Like you don't care what you look. I'm like, I tried very hard for this. Do you still want to do meet and greets or who are these people? Are they crew crew members off to the side? My manager. Um, I, I, do you guys do meet and greets when you tour?

If they want it, I'm playing a casino this weekend. I assume the tribal elders will come in with blue eyes and blonde hair and a little feather and go. I love playing casinos, dude, because you know that on native land, there's no police.

There's no police. They're not. You're not really the show. It's half papered. The casino doesn't want you to go too long. Get them at the table. So, you know. Oh, I last time I did a casino, I don't remember where it was. I don't want to, you know, get in trouble with the native community by making up a silly name. But we already did that with the Sandler movie Ridiculous Six Spade. And

And so, so I am at the casino. There is a guy in the lobby. When I tell you bleeding from the head, just bleeding from the head, insert scalps joke here. And I was like, Oh, we need to call the police there.

I mean, David Spade is literally yawning, you guys, just FYI for the people listening. No, no, I know where this is going. I just gave him mono with my story. And I was like, we have to get the police and the police are appointed by the elders. It's like they're friends that need a job. That's it. It's their entourage. I like casinos. There's something fun about being in a venue where everyone else is making worse decisions than you.

You know what I mean? Like, it's nice to be like, okay. These are like memes. I need a minute to process that. I love casinos. I always have my tour and then there's always casinos peppered in. They just throw you in. You're like, it's a little out of your way, but it's worth it. You go out there. They're usually pretty good. They can be really good unless it's Vegas in July and it's 121 outside and they've been by the pool all day. And either they're drunk or they're literally almost asleep.

That's kind of rough. I love the science of casinos. One of my favorite things to satisfy my, I like to think pretty high functioning autism is the carpets in casinos and in the casino hotels. You know, they're specifically designed to disguise like blood and shit and puke. The patterns are always just like red splatters. Like, look at it next.

It's kind of fascinating. I did not know that. I do like the no clocks and it's all dark. And there's something about people at a slot machine with a free drink

Um, that seems like one of the most decadent things you can do. And it's 10 AM and they're just going to have free drinks all day and pull slots. It's so wild. And then the brand, there's like a sex in the city slot machine. And you're just kind of like, I love that someone at HBO was like, you know what we need this season? Like who is putting all these together? Like it's a fascinating business model to me. Um, and I also find it, um, fascinating because there's always so much more security, um,

at casinos, like, do you ever notice, like, I feel like I go to casinos, I feel like more glamorous for some reason. I don't know why. Like when you're just doing venues, they're like, Hey, what's up? Like they don't, you know, soundcheck, like they don't, whereas like, cause I mean, maybe it's because the people that are working at those venues want to be comics or, you know, ludicrous was there the night before and you're just some, you know, idiot from premium blend or whatever. But like, I noticed this recently. Do you guys notice this, that like when you're known or,

famous or whatever that everyone always thinks you're going to fall. Like when I walk to the stage, the number of people who hover around me to make sure I don't fall. I'm like, yeah, yeah.

Are you in heels? What do you wear? Sneakers. Like, I just mean like security and stuff like that. Yeah. I, it's just funny when you finally get like successful or something and you're like, Oh, no one respects me. Like I thought it would make people think I was competent. And I was like, can you go, can I help you down the stairs? And you're like, no, no, I, I got, I think I got it. Like what is going to be about a six foot walk? You got it. You're going to go straight out. Then it, it, the stage ends at some point. So don't walk off the end. I,

Is there stuff? Do I come off dumb? Like, do I come off like I get lost a lot? Like, I think it's more fake reasons to talk to you and grab you because you're cute. Oh, I'm too stupid. No, you're cute. And I just want to talk a reason to talk to you. But, you know, when they like hover around like, you know, like Matt Reif, I'm like, he's 25 years old. He's got it. He's got it. Like, like 80 years. He just did the pommel horse backstage. He's fine. But and then so what is the what are you guys going to tour together?

No plans. No plans. You hate money. Well, no, usually that's what our manager says. When you do the math, you guys say money group shows would be great. Great for you. Five of you go out together and then you do the math of the door. And I don't know how much value added. I probably just ski in the wake of spades crowd. Can we do it? We love money tour. Us three. We'll go in the car from Joe dirt. I just found out it was for sale. Hmm.

It was bought already. Spade didn't buy it. The car from Joe Dirt was for sale and Spade did not buy it. What is money for? It was 330 grand. Like she said, why didn't you buy it? It's your bar tab. You make that with one crunchy leaf post. No, I actually talked to the guy about buying it beforehand. And then I thought I would have it here, but I would be...

Not many people could see it. Cause I don't have like a used car lot. You can't, you know, I just have a garage and it's just, I love that car. I fucking love it. And the guy that bought it is cool. He has a huge Joder tattoo on his chest and he loves the movie. And, uh,

It's fascinating the people that have that stuff. I remember when we did Roseanne, the reboot, I did the first season back and there was a guy that collected, you know, stuff from TV shows and he had the Roseanne couch. The fact that they sold it is wild, right? Should have been the Smithsonian or something. And we asked if we could just use it, you know, like we'll rent it, whatever. And he said, no. Oh, right. To have Roseanne use it again, which makes it worth more again. Yeah. He just said, no, like no amount of money will...

I will not give this to you guys to shoot for the reboot of the show. It was just, I know like my strange addiction to it. Like I buy stuff from TV shows and don't let anyone touch it. I don't know. Do you, do you steal wardrobe and stuff like that? Yeah. That's the real question. Cause we had John Corbett on sex in the city and big Greek wedding anyway. So at the end of a shoot, he just goes to the,

wardrobe place and just doesn't talk to anyone or ask anyone. And he just takes it all. And he has it in boxes up in Northern California. He has like hundreds of underwear and socks and shoes. And he took the moose from Northern exposure sitcom. It was a big hit. And he just took it. He didn't, he doesn't ask. He just harvest sets and things. Am I allowed to gossip?

What's that? Yeah, go ahead. I heard that Mariah Carey on some movie she did, like she did a cameo in some Will Ferrell movie, House Money maybe it was called. And they gave her this like $300,000 necklace to wear. And she just like wore it home. I mean, like just psycho. Yeah, I like that. I never do that because I don't want someone to get fired or get in trouble. But also they need to keep it in case you have to do reshoots. They would need it for continuity. As a producer and writer. That's the other side of it.

Yeah. Now it's turned into everyone sees what's happening in LA at Walgreens or we just steals everything at Macy's. So they just go into wardrobe and go, you can't do anything. And they just take all, all their wardrobe and leave and they go, don't chase them. You must have such iconic stuff that you just think is like trash in a storage unit, but it's like worth a billion dollars on eBay. I do have, um, the church lady dress and glasses, um,

And a wig. That was a wig? It's in one of my homes. I can't remember which one. It's in West Hollywood right now. Because I technically, when I got on Saturday Night Live, the rules changed afterwards because I came in with the character.

that I own it. So I just have that made for, you know, when I really, really am down and out, I'll do corporate gigs as the church lady, full regalia coming out, firing hard. Do you have it like in plastic or something? Like it's, it's the dress is hung up. It looks fine. And you know, um,

Can we do, sorry, can we do like an Instagram? The only way that anyone will socialize with their own friends these days is to monetize it somehow. So can I come to your house? We'll shoot it, don't worry. And we can do like closet organizing of all your like iconic things that you have. Well, that's my biggest one, I think. I don't think there's that much stuff. I only have Dickie Roberts wardrobes, the shorts from grownups, the shirt from grownups,

Bench warmer stuff. Are you reading that off a laptop? I'm thinking the wig from Joder. Is that on your post-it note? Why? Did I look to the side? It looked like you were reading it off of all your stuff. It looked like an assistant off the side was holding outfits.

to show you. I think in the old days, like Debbie Reynolds or Ann Miller, those Donald O'Connor musicals, they would have so much stuff, you know. They sell it now and it's big biz. They go back and just get all the stuff from those prop houses and they sell it all and it makes a killing.

I like those architectural digest house tours of those super out-of-touch rich people being like, yeah, we just picked this up in France. Have you seen the architectural digest tours? Seen a lot of shows like that. It'd be fun to do some in your house. These are the heads from Easter Island. Ha ha ha!

That one. And then what is the other? Oh, I did Punk'd recently. And I, oh, not Punk'd. Sorry. I did Punk'd. That was my first job. I'm sorry. I know. I did, what is it? Cribs. MTV Cribs. Okay. And I watched Martha Stewart's. You've got to watch it. It's amazing because she so clearly does not want them in her house.

house and she cannot she cannot pretend to be chill in the slightest and they're at her like seventh home in nantucket or something and uh they just left it all in but she's like okay and so this is uh what i got when i went into italy excuse me sir can you back up off the wall please

Can you just put the charcuterie board down? They left it all in. Fantastic. It's so funny. Like you're going to need to take your shoes off. You're going to need to take your shoes off. And this vase I actually got when I was in Tuscany and I'm going to need you to put the footies on for the footies on please. Thanks. Like it's, they just left it all in. It's incredible.

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Visit buyatoyota.com, the official website for deals. All new Toyotas come with ToyotaCare, a no-cost maintenance plan. See your dealer or visit buyatoyota.com for details. Let's go places. Do you want us to ask you questions? Oh, sure. I was kind of curious about whether, well, there's things you've been asked a lot. Okay, you could go like, I grew up with Joan Rivers, Phyllis Derrick, Tony Fields.

And then you come out and you're, you're, you're sort of, you're, you were a model at a department store. So, um,

Was that helpful in the beginning? Like, you know, you should or is it where your looks kind of problematic or an asset in your mind? That's so nice. I mean, model is a model model in a department store is not we're not Naomi Campbell over here. This was like King of Prussia Mall in Philadelphia. Yeah. Yeah.

but Tony Fields, Tony Fields, had one leg. She had diabetes. She came out with one leg and she was really, there were some very funny looking comedians when I was growing up. I used to model the masks and Spencer's gifts. I was an informal model, it was called. So you know the super annoying people that like offer you perfume when you walk into a department store, like, hey, want a migraine? I can help you with

Or you're just walking around in a wedding dress. I was 14 years old walking around in a wedding dress. I did maternity at 15 years old. They give you a pillow.

that strap and I'm just like walking around and asking people like, you know, hey, do you want to go see some wedding dresses on the third floor? And you would just all to women that were going through a divorce. Like no one goes to a fancy department store who has a happy marriage. So I'm just like, hey, want to go see a wedding dress like as your marriage falls apart. And it was actually I was doing it for money. And it actually I look back now. I look back now. And I'm like,

You know, it was before I had boobs. Hooters didn't take me. And I realized like so much of the ability to just talk to strangers came from that because I had to walk up to strangers that wanted nothing to do with me that quite frankly wanted me to be invisible and were like trying to get away from me. And I was like, hey, want to go? And I'd have to charm them and figure out a way to...

to get them to listen to me so that I didn't get fired. But I think that that did actually come in really handy. Also just the ability to be alone a lot, you know, I mean, I think something that a lot of people maybe don't know because, you know, we only post the greatest hits on our Instagram, but how fun our life is. But being a comic, you're just like alone a lot, you know, we're in hotels alone. We're, um, you know, um,

Even when we're with a lot of people, we feel alone. I spent 36 hours in a hotel in Houston a couple of weeks ago because it was so crazy, rainy, stormy outside. I actually just walked around the hallway, but you go a little crazy just in a hotel room for a day and a half. Plus, everyone knows you. So the second you go out, people go, hey. We're not meant for that. Sorry. Sorry, Spade.

No, I guess you're the guest. No, my podcast doesn't do as well as yours. Go ahead. Okay. We'll check the numbers. You're probably gay. You're probably closer than you think. You've done 5,000 of them. It's hard to keep balls in the air for a million. You know, it's ultimately run out of

I would think at a certain point. You guys did something really genius though. You guys were like, we're only going to interview SNL people and then we'll just do comedians. Like, I think for me, I just didn't believe that a woman talking for two hours was a viable business. It just didn't seem like that was something anyone wanted to hear. And so I think I always had like,

just all kinds of different guests to see what works, you know? And if we live here in Hollywood, why not get Hollywood guests? So it's like Hillary Duff and Miranda Cosgrove, like those numbers did super big, but then some comics that are huge didn't do so well, but it's just like hard to tell who's going to do well. It depends who your crowd is. Yeah. Yeah. We have people that surprisingly do well and surprisingly don't. And, uh, but I also like,

The randomness of yours, because you can just see someone that's interesting, like a Terminix guy and go, I bet I could talk to this guy because something interesting about this. And, and then you can have a big star so you can mix it all up and then just cover anything that interests you. We had a UFO guy on our other one. We have one on video called super fly. We had a UFO guy on, and then we had this girl that was in that Nixxiom cult.

Yes, she's my friend. Sarah's my friend. I was in the second season of that show. Oh, were you in a basement? I got obsessed.

Was Keith your guy? Is he a skateboarder? Do you have a, are you branded? Are you branded? No, I would love to be in a cult though. I, I, I, I just need someone to organize my life. I did try to get into Scientology when I first moved here and they rejected me. Right. Really? Swear to God. Okay. Did they give you a reason? I think I, that's it.

They're like, this bitch cannot keep a secret. Like, it's so obvious that I'm a squeaky wheel. If nothing else, I have such snitch energy. I went a girlfriend of mine, Jennifer, Jennifer Goodwin was my first friend in LA. She had just done a movie called Mona Lisa smile long time ago with Julia Roberts. And remember when like someone got the number two or three lead in a movie and

they were gonna be a star there was this machine they got the publicist and they got that it was just so scientology would figure out who like the next person was gonna be to like get it on the ground floor right so a famous scientologist invited her to brunch and it was at like a house it was just an address it wasn't like shaky's diner or whatever you know and we pull up i go with her and it is a hassle i think people don't understand that that hate on scientology it

It's in a castle. And when you grow up poor and you see a fucking castle, you're like, I need to live there. I don't care. Take my plasma. I don't care. Fine. And so I was like, yes, I'd like to live in this castle for free. Like, I'm not allowed to take

antidepressants, I don't have healthcare. Fine. And so we went in, there was this like amazing brunch. And also the reason Scientology is so freaking enticing is the beginning of it isn't that weird. It's like how to take control of your life and like write thank you notes. And like, you know, it's all like beginner AA stuff. I'm in a 12 step program now. So it's a lot of like, it works if you work it, like don't, you know, make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings. It's stuff that like,

I'm sure the Stoics said this all much better, but, well, I'm just Jerry, but you know, but that's the serenity prayer is basically Stoics, um, uh, Graham, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, you know, uh, in the wisdom to change the things that I can't. So I'm,

I'm in, dude. I'm like, I get an apartment. I get a job. The brunch had chocolate pudding. Like the guy from Lost was there. The Jorge. I'm like, if this guy can get on a TV show, like I'm this, I'm in. And they just were not interested. And I tried to go back and they were like, we're good, basically. A cute young writer, actress from a great college. I can't believe it. What are they looking for? They didn't want my after scale money from MTV. They wanted...

you know, studio movie money. You're telling me you might do Cribs soon?

I was that you said, I can get us on cribs. I know a guy over there. Yeah. So I did not get in. I'm glad that I didn't get in. I have some weird obsession with it. I had to stop smoking weed like a year and a half ago because I would get the first thing I would do when I smoke weed was Google the Scientology ships or try to figure out where they were. And I scheduled a call. There's ships. Yeah. They have the, they have their Navy basically. Yeah. What? There's there.

They're in international waters. The sea orcs. The sea orcs, where there's no rules. It's crazier than the casinos with no police officers. They're out there, and they operate under maritime law, international waters. There's no drinking age. There's no age of consent. None of it. I scheduled a Zoom call with a maritime lawyer to talk about it. How are their carpets? What do they look like? When you took DMT, did you see sentient entities?

Sentienties? What's DMT? I don't know if I've taken that one. Dave, did you put that in my drink one night? Yeah. At Roku? I have some in the car at Roku. Well, what was your experience with psychedelics and do you do them anymore? That's-

This is from Toledo, Ohio, a fan. Can you ask one? Okay, I haven't done DMT. I am good friends with Joe Rogan and everyone assumes that I like, you know, go to Peru every weekend and like puke up like ayahuasca. I've done ayahuasca once after my dad died. The first night I was like such a comedian about it. I was like, this is bullshit. It's all power of suggestion. It was like some shirtless guy like dancing in front of me. It was like,

the worst Chippendales performance I've ever witnessed. It was just Bobby Lee dancing. It was a nightmare. And so the first one, not a fan. And then I puked, which was like, I did this my entire high school. I don't need to do bulimia again in my 30s. So I finally want to keep food down, guys. This is not my brand at the moment.

And the next night, I actually had like just some clear thoughts. I didn't see gremlins or angels or any of that or Grateful Dead bears or any of that shit. I kind of, I like to call it just updated my software on myself a little bit, which was just kind of like, I didn't understand why when I got a TV show and

sitcom or whatever it is. I didn't understand why people didn't like me or weren't, were mad at me. Cause in my mind it was like, you know, this is at this time. I mean, you had a show, obviously Spade, you know, Dana, you were on the show at the time, but all my friends that were comics were like kind of mad at me or it was just a bizarre time. And in my head I was like, no, no, no, this is great. We're all going to get sitcoms. And you know, the ships rise with everybody rises together. I don't know what the saying is. I'm sure it's a stoic fortune cookie saying, but, um,

I felt like all these people that I was friends with and family with were like mad at me or something. And then I realized like, oh, I have such a scarcity complex too. We all do that. If that was happening to someone else, I'm sure that I would be a little petulant and jealous. And I was just able to stop being mad at people and just accept like,

That's the way it is. How I'm perceived sometimes, which by the way, Spade gave me some of the best piece of advice between seasons of a sitcom when both of us were waiting to hear about the fate of our sitcoms. You called me, remember? And you went, so just FYI, bad news travels slow. That is true. In this town, everyone wants to give you good news and you got to chase down the bad news. No one wants to be associated with it.

And and it made me realize, like, look, comics, like the reason I love comics so much is because we're able to criticize everything together and see the world in the same way, you know. And then when I became the subject of their criticism, I was like, oh, shit. The thing that I you know, my only love sprung from my only hate kind of thing. So I was able to just go like, yeah, this will be over soon and someone else will, you know, be the next person. And it feels temporary. And that is part of stoicism. That's the other part.

is all your enemies, all your things, everything is going to disappear. Everything really fast. It just keeps moving, moving, moving. So don't sit in it. But I, I, I never made a joke about you. I never would think to. Oh, that's good. I was like, I was like a punchline on SNL a couple of times, like stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. I think you get too famous. You're, you're show running two shows. It sort of puts you at the forefront and then

But too young. When you're like, oh my God, you're like SNL. Like this is like the dream and they're making fun of it. Like that's not how I wanted to be on SNL. You know, like Tina Fey making fun of me or that's not how I wanted to be on South Park. Like they made fun of me on South Park and recently on Big Mouth. And I'm like, okay, you know what? Fine. I pay my bills doing comedy. Like, you know. People say it's the highest form of flattery. And then you're like, but it kind of isn't.

Oh, no, it's I had to go on Prozac as a result. It's hard to hear that kind of shit. But it's also it's like if I'm going to give it, I have to also be able to take it. And, you know, but I had some good breakthroughs on that of like to be able to separate myself from like the self that everyone else perceives. I think when you're I mean, you guys know more than anyone, like it's public figures. Do you ever have to go like that's David Spade, that's Dana Carvey, but I can like separate.

Yeah. And that was from the ayahuasca that got you into that frame of mind. I just like, wasn't mad at everyone for wanting what I had. Cause I was like, I wanted what other people had too, you know? And, um, it was such a scarcity complex at the time. It was before social media, it was before podcasts, you know, we're all now working together. We're all just like a team at this point. You know, we used to be like,

Is the executive going to pick me or her? And we had to be in competition. And now it's like, we're all going to work together. So it was just during that like icky time that helped me. I've never done DMT. I don't think is that, I think that's Molly.

I did the ketamine. I did ketamine micro dosing with a doctor, not just like street ketamine. During the pandemic, my hair did was blue shortly thereafter. So rave reviews. It helped me with some grief stuff. It helped with instant grief and forgiveness stuff. I did it, you know, for like a couple months on and off micro dosing. And it definitely helped a lot.

with grief because I couldn't really cry before that. I was told don't cry. Big girls don't cry. My mom, you know, I'm not a doctor. I don't like when people diagnose people without a medical license, but she was, I was told borderline personality disorder, alcoholic. So she was very histrionic. If you ever needed anything,

Um, you know, if I ever was upset, she took it personally, like she was a bad mom. So I had to take on her feelings if I ever had any feelings. Um, so it really helped me like release a lot of old

Wow. And now you're a mom. Yeah. Can someone get a punchline in there? No, you did good. We can talk normal sometimes. Oh, no. People love this. Humans out there listening right now. Oh, yeah. No, that's just under the heading of very interesting, of someone...

doing psychedelics a little bit and having you, we had Neil Brennan on who's, you know, I mean, it changes life. His whole special is about it, how it took away his depression by and large and his anxiety between ayahuasca and MDMA, you know, I guess I didn't realize that pain turns into anger.

And I had a lot of just pain. You know, everyone's got their shit. Both my parents had strokes when during the time that I had the sitcoms and stuff, which, you know, I think nobody really knew who cares, but both my parents had strokes without health insurance and they were paralyzed basically from the neck down, both of them and were in beds for like 10 years. So I just had to like, it's fine. I just had to like live in nursing homes and like hospitals and ICUs and stuff. So I was on the road. I'd go from like show to hospital, show to hospital. And I guess I was just like,

I didn't realize till after they passed, like how angry I was that, um, about all that. And I needed to cry instead of like, you know, because when you're on stage, sometimes anger comes out or what you're writing or, you know, it comes out when you least expect it. And no one, I think angry comedy, no one really wants to see. Um, and it's also an awful feeling. And I was writing from the angle of that and ketamine just helped it. Like I was in therapy. I don't know.

if it works, if you're not with a therapist who's walking you through it all, but I did that plus EMDR plus having a 12 step program called Al-Anon. Um, because ultimately like acceptance is my hardest thing. I can't accept it. I can't accept that. That's the truth. I can't accept that this is happening and I'm going to give myself cancer being angry about it. Um, and there was just like a surrender that came with it of like, this is how it is. Um,

I'm just going to ride the horse in the direction it's going. That's what ketamine did for me. I'm way less elegant than Neil Brennan about all this stuff. So just listen to the Neil Brennan episode for that. I'm texting Jerry Seinfeld right now. Yeah. Then listen to the Jerry one. Can we, can we just talk for, uh, I don't want, I don't want to go, go ahead. You talk.

Cause I, we, we met, we, we had, we had a funny gig together. Yes, we did. I didn't know if you'd bring this up or not. I thought it'd be fun because it's just, um, I'll tell my side real quick. And then I want to hear from your point of view. So there was a really rich guy. I guess he's 95. He's got this gigantic mansion in Las Vegas. And, um, he hired, they hired me. Will you come do a half hour standup for the party? His wife was much younger. They're very sweet people.

And so I show up and it's like Scarface or something. There's mermaids in the pool and jugglers. And it's like a fleany ass circus. And I'm in a waiting room. Very, again, incredibly nice people. Did you say in a waiting room? Well, it was a part of another house. It was a bedroom. It was a giant, yeah, giant bedroom. We're waiting for Whitney. Okay. Whitney's supposedly going to, she's going to go on and then I'm going to go on. We don't, we don't know where she is. She, there was all, she's getting here soon. So then you came in.

Uh, lots of energy there. You, and you can tell your side of it. And then you change very, very quickly. We go out, it's a big pavilion. Um, it's like 150 people. You can't really hear. And you're up there and I, I see you're working. I wanted to know what the vibe was. So they said, well, put a mask on.

So, well, sorry. In the meantime, Joe Rogan showed up. Sorry, I missed that part. He was with, we were together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you came in first. He was right after you. So Joe Rogan's there. So-

He's not wearing a mask. No one's wearing a mask. This tail end of the pandemic, whatever. So I go, I want to get up close so I can see how the vibe, how Whitney's doing. I couldn't hear what was going on. They wear this mask. So I'm going up to the crowd with it. They go, so they won't recognize you. You're a surprise that they're right. So I'm going to the crowd with the mask on and I bump into Joe and he looks at me and he goes, get that thing off your face. Yeah.

And I said, I tried to explain, well, they told me cause I'm better, but anyway, I thought you did great. You cause it was such a rough thing that you, I, you were bringing people out of the audience on the stage and interviewing them. I thought you did great. It,

It went, it was, it was a rough gig, but nice people. Okay. Now from your side, you're flying from Santa Barbara with Joe. I flew. Okay. So it was Andrew Schultz's wedding comedian. And I was with Lex Friedman. I'm just, we're in the podcast space deep right now. So Lex Friedman also has a podcast. I brought him as my date.

And I was like, okay, I can make this wedding and then fly to, I can make both. Vegas. Yeah. Yes. And then Rogan and his wife were at the wedding and I was like, ah, we have to leave. I have to run to Vegas to go do this corporate gig. And Joe was like, can I come with you? And I, which is, I love when people get so successful that like something like that, it's just like,

interesting to them. It's like when rich people want to go camping, like I want to know what it feels like to be poor. And so he's like, oh, let me go see this corporate gig. You know what I mean? And so he comes, he's also just awesome. And like, he just loves standup and you know, he's fascinated by like,

Like, you know, we do theaters, we do clubs, like, but a lot of our gigs are like, we've never performed in this space before. The, you know, circumstances are wild. There's no sound check for that. Private party. Private gigs are, you're basically, you're less on some level. They're paying you well and respect you. And they know you're famous and they love Bob, Bob Arum, who's this fight promoter, a

famous he was he was on a couch right up front vaping pot the whole time i was everyone was shit face like and i just went full into like party clown mode like the darwinian like all right you don't want it you don't want to do it this way you we're gonna do this the easy way or the hard way and usually at corporate gigs i think they usually just want to be the star and you're walked

We did fine. You just flirt with the men and, you know, lap dance with the women. And, you know, I remember going like, I am such a huge fan of Dana Carvey. The fact that this is what he is seeing me do as a performer. It is so embarrassing. Well, I was I felt the same way because Joe was so sweet. Big hugs.

we're, you know, having a love fest and he's so excited to see me. He was so, he was so excited. You were there. He was geeking out. And I'm like, this is about as rough a situation. No one's fault. You explained it brilliantly. You have no chance to do anything. So by the time you went off and Joe was there, I went up and it was the same kind of, Oh my God, something that would get an applause break is, but,

And they're talking a lot of talking. These young women are talking, you know? So I finally, I looked over cause I was saying, and thank God you guys had left. Oh, hilarious. Because Lex Freeman. You couldn't get out, right?

Joe Rogan has told this story, so I don't feel like I'm outing it. But Lex Friedman, who is one of those like high performer types, you know, all these men that just feel like they need to like work out all day to prepare for like, yeah, like no one's drafting them, but they're in training like this. We're guys for the big one. Yeah. Yeah. In ice buckets. And I don't know what's going on. Like, is there no porn left to watch? I don't understand. I don't know. But all these men that are like, like, we need to live forever. But all they do is work out. Like, I don't know.

Um, like four hour work week, but you like, all you do is work till two in the morning, but whatever. You have nine podcasts. I don't know this what's going on.

I don't know if it's an Adderall thing or what, but Lex Friedman is like, he's a scientist who has a podcast, super like gets up at 5am to run and do burpees. And he's always in ketosis or some shit. I don't know. And he had been on a fast. He hadn't eaten for like two days and had a bunch of whiskey and was like puking in the koi pond at this,

billionaire's house. Oh, he was outside on the grounds puking in the koi pond. Well, there was so much stuff out there.

Okay, these big fancy mansions are just like booby traps. I don't know if it's just like how, you know, it's illegal for like billionaires to hunt poor people, but maybe they just put the ring camera on and put some fountains out that are flush with the patio because everyone was falling into the koi pond. Excellent. He would just be like walking in the dark and just be like in a koi pond. And so I think he had done that and then was maybe puking. So it's like, we need to get out of here. Let's have the check. Send me the Venmo and then...

I was happy that you guys got out of town fast. Like we had to get back and then there was no plane to take us back to drive back to Vegas. It was like a whole, it was a whole, you had to get a car to drive. I remember you telling me that part. I kind of love those corporate gigs though, because I feel like all of the, maybe,

maybe negative things that happened to us in our childhood, we can sublimate into something positive. Like I was raised by like truculent, distracted alcoholics. So sometimes when I'm in that situation, I'm like, I know what to do here. Like, this is actually where I shine trying to get

Stay, stay happy and stay positive. That's the first rule of a party. You're there not to bring them down or blame it on them. And I don't do many parties. The corporate dates are a little different in Vegas. They have real sound and everything, but a private party, it was just sort of a fluke. I ended up there. Oh, and Whitney Cummings is opening. I mean, oh, okay, that's cool. And then Joe was there. It was just one of those fleany ass moments.

I had to like hang my head in shame and get out of there. Cause it's like, I'm meeting one of my heroes and then I'm just like, ah, he's going to watch me just do like crowd work and like twerk. I couldn't really, after the mask thing, I got back, I took the mask off. I couldn't really hear what was going on.

was saying because it was boomerang that the ceiling of this atrium was like 100 feet tall. So it was high ceilings kill things. People don't know high ceilings are the worst. But I thought I thought there was something cool about them picking me and you. I was like, oh, like

I like there was a good mix. They can have whoever they want, you know, ultimately. Um, but I was like, this is so cool. It made me feel, um, uh, very good about myself. And then I promptly. Yeah. So anyway, so I'm sorry that, yeah, yeah. I was going to say before I let Whitney go, cause we've taken over too long, but when I do a corporate gig, you sometimes feel like roughing it because they are paying you. So, and they try to make it so nice for you, but sometimes, um,

If it's a little tough, you go, hey, this is actually, you know, like Whitney, if they don't have your carrot sticks, you go, you know what? I don't care. Let's just go. Let's plow through it. Oh, can I do this really quick? What's in your rider? Will you read it verbatim? No fucking chance. Three Coca-Cola's, a Pellegrino. I didn't write it. I mean, I've had people go, we only have two towels. I know. I'm like, what? Two towels? Yeah.

Sorry, your ice bath. We couldn't get it on the truck in time, Whitney. I'm a nibbler, Dana, and I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up.

They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is Pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but-

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I don't know. Has this gone well? I can't tell. You did great. You're one of my favorite guests. You're fucking hilarious. Hilarious. You have five jokes in every sentence. I feel like Spade's already emailing. I feel like Spade is just over here doing Facebook updates. No, I'm paid to do an hour, so at 1 hour 01, I just honk out.

You should have somebody listen to this and then type it all out just for how you wove things. Some of your word packages, I don't know if you've used them before, but there was a lot of cool stuff in there. I feel, I don't know. I feel, I feel like, okay. Are we reviewing it right now? I don't know. I feel like we could have lost the skateboarding stuff. Maybe the Joe dirt stuff didn't like, I thought that was going to like, you know, be a little more fun. Yeah.

A little more potent. No, I thought it was all good and all. And you did a great job. And I guarantee you, people will say that. I think I love like the fact that we used to be judged on like our work. Now it's just a personality audition. I'm like, how was my personality for the past hour? This was a good first date. Everyone will fall for you. If people just human people like we are, see your Netflix special.

Like, and you're just a civilian. Like if I saw someone on Ed Sullivan or Carson, they were like, you know, so they get to see us as just regular quasi wounded little puffy clowns with doing the best we can. And it's very interesting just to hear you talk. Can you imagine? Sorry, I know you have to go. I know you're not getting paid anymore. You can hop off. I can you imagine if podcasting happened? Can you imagine like Rodney Dangerfield having a podcast?

Oh, yeah. Can you imagine? Oh, I tell you, I tell you, I was an ugly kid. I was an ugly kid. I'll tell you, when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. I tell you. And the guest is like, when do I talk? Show edge in the bag a little bit. Yeah, they all would have done this. It's a unique, bizarre thing. I think we're very fortunate to have it. You can have it, use it as how you like it. It can be just part of a very vast career. It's on in the background. People listen. Yeah.

They drive. They're driving. They scream at their kids. And you know what? They're going to love it. We used to do radio, but when we did radio, we came with bits. Yeah, you had to be on more. We were really like, 6 a.m. And we were like doing, this is just, every time I hang up, I'm like, was that so self-indulgent and boring? You're supposed to talk. We talk too much. They like it as if we just were at Koi having dinner. We really were. This is what we talk about. Last time I saw Whitney,

I walked into her car and we just talked for a while there and she's very normal, very lovely and very, not always doing jokes. She's just a very lovely person. So I think on these, it does come up a little bit because people like to see it and hear it, but.

You're a very normal, nice person. I saw you backstage at the comedy store and I wanted to be your best friend within 10 minutes because we were talking about some subject and you were just so completely, oh yeah, totally agree. I can't remember what we were talking about, but yeah, you just are interesting. You're an interesting person. You covered a lot in this. Yeah, maybe too much.

That's so Howard Stern. I feel like we've said it all. We've said it all. There's nothing left to do. There's nothing. There's no stone. No, we had a million things to talk to you about, but unfortunately we ran out of time. I'll throw one out for you. You probably have an opinion about on,

Instagram or whatever. The mom is like a celebrity mom. She's like 52 or 53. She's with her daughters about 14, 15. They're dressed alike. The mom looks just as fit. She's filled up whatever she's done. It's like she's like a teenager with her teenager anyway. No, you see a lot of those. I'm not talking about one person. See a lot of those.

Yeah, that's or good for you. Whatever. Whatever. Yeah, I'm not particularly good at branding. Maybe I need to make some matching onesies for me and my son. And I might, you know. Yeah, there you go. I'm not really bothered by any of it. You know, this is just comedy fodder. I teach his own. What other people's opinion of me is none of my business. I mean, yeah, it's kind of like my mom drank while I just like went.

rolled around on the floor. This generation is like matching with their kid. Maybe we need to go back to just being drunks and ignoring our children. I don't know. It's all there's no real way to move through the world anymore with any kind of dignity. So it's just a matter of how to be the least cringe you can possibly be.

and still survive, I guess. And people always have a problem with it no matter what, as long as we know that. Well, that's why I don't read comments about anything I do because I already know myself. And if they criticize me, I go, well, of course. Yeah. Well, of course I sucked, you know? Yeah, totally. Like we're our own worst critics. Like I agree with you. I mean, I wouldn't be trying to get strangers approval if I liked myself. So just

If I don't get your approval, don't worry. We're good. All right. In summation, we all have problems. Big problems. Yes. No. By the way, I love this show. I hope it was good. Going on shows I'm a fan of is always a little nerve wracking.

Well, I'll be a therapist for a second. What what what makes you think it wasn't great? Don't don't start again. No, no, no. No, it's more I think it's like I'm real friends with Spade and I'm getting to know you, Dana. Yeah, that's what's great. Yeah, I'm like, that's what's great about this. Yeah.

And I think people tune in because they want to hear you guys. You know, I hope I didn't talk too much. They hear us all the time. No, we don't. This was great. I mean, sometimes people are very shy and it's a little bit trying to get them to come out of their shell. And so you were just like, bam, it's great. But I'm trying to think. All right. Thank you, Whitney.

And call us after and we will take an hour 15 out of it. Can I say one other thing I love just to make everyone laugh about Spade? My favorite thing is what Spade calls women's garments and makeup and stuff. It's my I'm obsessed. One time he was telling me a story about this girl and he's like, I didn't like we got along great, but it wasn't going to, you know, didn't seem like more was going to happen. And then she went to the bathroom and she came out wearing a teddy and

No, I think I said nightgown, didn't I? Or I call it a teddy? Teddy is funny. Nightgown's not as funny. Teddy is funny. Well, what's an older term? It's like a sexy nightie or something. No, you made fun of me because you said, what am I on my cheek? And I said a rouge or something. And I didn't know what the names of all the makeup was. Dana, for makeup, like what goes here on a girl, on the cheeks?

Oh, um, rouge. Uh, Kylie Jenner, rouge kit. What goes all over the skin? I don't know. My wife does it alone. I don't really see. Yeah. Thank you. It's, you know, I don't know, but yeah, it's, um, uh, we can learn.

What's this called? What do you think it's called, Whitney? What's that called? Just smoothing out the makeup? Is there an official word for just rubbing your face? It's all makeup. It's like the color of your skin. It's the color of your skin and it goes all over your skin. Powder.

Right. Base. Is that it? Base. And then you and then you put the eyelashes on and the lipstick and all this stuff. And then you're ready to you know, you're ready to go walk the street, make some money. You know what I mean? Make a couple of bucks. Hi, I'm Bill Burr's brother. And I want to tell you, we love Bill Burr. We love everyone.

Oh, my God. That's so funny to me. Okay, Whitney, I'll see you on the freeway. Okay. Love you guys. Thank you. Love you. Thanks for being on our show. This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Please follow, subscribe, leave a like, a review, all this stuff. Smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts. Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, and Heather Santoro. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.