Taylor Tomlinson
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, Hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So, um, you won't regret it. We've got Taylor Tomlinson. Who's a, uh,

a comic that's out there that I see a lot at the comedy store. I think she's had two specials. She's, you know, they're bubbling under, doing well. Some know her really well, some not as much. Was not on SNL, but we like to incorporate some upcoming stars in the comedy world. And we talk about SNL, we talk about a lot of standup stuff, touring and about, interestingly enough, a specific subject when you're on TikTok or Instagram as a standup now.

They like to put their clips up from their special and stuff, but you don't want to burn material. So if you're out filming your act, you see a lot of these comics doing it.

They do a lot of crowd work because the reason is, Dana, they don't want to burn their act. It's not, yeah. And so they say- I like to repeat my act. And I like when the audience either looks bored or mouths the punchlines. I just keep it the same. That's me. But, you know, I don't work much. I like to start a joke and people go, not this fucking thing again. That's from your first special in 1980. And I'm like, yeah, yeah.

And it's fucking good. And you know what? Journey does don't stop believing. Last night we worked at the comedy store. I went on. Did okay. Anyway, David went on. And I was behind the curtain the whole time. He's going, I go, no, not that bit. Oh, he's rushing it. Oh,

Oh, God, that one still brushed the cobwebs off first. Holy shit. He's doing Tom Petty, ladies and gentlemen. I'm like, remember the space shuttle when it blew up? That was horrible. But one thing was funny about it, and they're like, the what happened? Hey, the Menendez brothers. I mean, come on. Killing the parents? What?

Kurt Cobain had blue eyes. One blue this way, one blue that way. I am not a crook. I am not a crook. I usually lead with Nixon, I'll be honest. So she talked about that. I'm not up to date. I would tell you this thing. Go ahead. She's extremely bright. She's very thoughtful. She's a technician, a scientist, and an artist all in one. Her standup is just sweet, first-class standup. It's like...

fun to listen to something that's that thought out. Our standup is more ad hoc. I think you're a great standup, but let's face it. You can bundle me into that. I don't mind. But she was very fun to talk to. She's very- She's quick on her feet. Quick on her feet and has a lot of self-reflection, i.e. therapy and thinking about her place in the world. And I think that's a part of her appeal, being funny and also very real in that way. And she goes places you don't expect. Alhambra.

Anyway, Al Hamburg, she doesn't need a Dodge Dart. She's the king of used cars. I don't know if you've been down at Cerritos Auto Square lately, but Dana, we should get them as a sponsor because I like to use them. I'll talk to you later about that used car a lot. I think we should go in on.

Oh, D&D's Jalopies. D&D's Jalopies. It's not bad. When you can't afford a convertible, it's a Jalopy with a canvas top. Anyway, here she is, Taylor Tomlinson.

We're the worst. Don't you feel your... This is like some kind of interrogation. This is a very intimidating setup, I was going to say. I think she's in the dark. Do your date of birth and first and last name. Like in front of the step and repeat. Like I feel like I just came for a photo. We just really need a photo, but then we'll do this too. But it's really just about the photo. Oh, yeah. The photo will trend. The interviewer is just a throwaway. Look how prepared he is. Fuck.

You have like a couch up on some stage. Is this like a screening room? Yeah, it's a movie theater. Okay, that makes more sense. All right, I was like, this is a strange setup for a podcast studio. This is the house that, the only one that had an interrogation room.

David did very well and invested very well. So David bought a really big house. David had a movie theater. We did a podcast. I like that you demoted your movie theater to a podcast studio. Well, I realized I wasn't watching enough movies in it. And my mom would just come in here and put on Fox News on the whole screen and just blow it up. Just Tucker Carlson coming at you. What's going on? Hi, I'm Tucker Carlson.

Anyway, Taylor Tomlinson. Tomlinson. What is that? Scottish? Irish? English? I don't know. I have no idea. Next question. Did you have a nickname? Taylor Tommy? I didn't know I was supposed to 23 and me myself. In grade school, nickname Taylor Tommy. Kind of cool. No. When I was coming up in San Diego, people would call me like T-Tom and like double T and things like that.

Yeah. That's all I got. That's all I got. All right, let's go to our next question. No, that was supposed to be most of the podcast. That was most of the... I have three name questions. She has an accent. People always ask me if I have an accent. What do I sound like? I was looking at your clips and you sound like

I don't... Probably Ukraine. I mean... No, maybe I'm wrong. I was thinking Romania. But that's close. It's in the general Croatian vibe. Well, I swear I watched... What? People think you have an accent? Really? Yeah. And I thought you had an accent. No, I grew up in California, but people always guess like Chicago or something. Really? They guess like Midwest. I think I just have a round face. I do voices by trade. I think I look Midwest-y. I do voices by trade. Just speak. Say anything. Peter Piper picked it back. Good to be here. Chicago. Yeah.

No, that's pretty good. I don't sense any... You have a very neutral... Well, you're both from California, right? Yeah. See, California is too... Northern California. You were San Diego. Well, I grew up in Modesto, Escalon until I was like nine. And then I was in Riverside County. I just played the Fresno State Fair and I asked, who are the...

you know, the bottom feeders in the Valley. Modesto is always a popular punching bag. Do you do that when you go to cities? Like what's the city they hate and you just work it? Usually it's Fresno though. So Fresno hates Modesto. If you played Nashville, what would it be? I don't know. That's a good question. I, we moved, uh, like as the Lacey Peterson, uh,

posters were going up. You moved toward that? From Modesto. Oh, farther away from that. We left Modesto when they were like still looking for her. Whoa. Were you part of the hunt or? You know, I was eight. So they were like, we think we have. Your mom's like, maybe just two hours a day if you look for the killer. Scott was looking for the killer. And you have homework. If you get all your homework done, you can look for the killer. Yeah. When I did Dallas, uh,

They go, this is my big opener. I go, a lot of pretty girls here from Big D and a couple of rough ones from Mesquite. Mesquite is good. Yeah, it's a funny one. Yeah. You can use it even outside of Dallas. Bakersfield would be a punching bag sometimes. Oh, Bakersfield, yeah. Bakersfield! Yeah, I played Bakersfield. Ooh, I don't remember when. It was the last tour. And they were real rowdy. And I was like, Bakersfield, you're being exactly what everyone thinks you are right now. Bakersfield's cool. And they loved that. They were like, we know! Yeah.

yeah they are too bakersfield yeah do you just go to crowd work in that case if they're just talking and drunk i mean what do you do i mean they just like were yelling out i think they were like too enthusiastic which in a theater is hard because it's like so you guys know it's like very it gets away from you so fast and you can't like make eye contact with everybody yeah or someone will yell from like the balcony and you're like all right what and then they go silent yeah they would they want attention and they

I get scared. The first, I was doing theaters this year and I get scared because I don't make really any eye contact because once you do, you sort of forget your act. You're like, I get lost in what they're thinking or they're texting or something. Oh yeah. And then when there's any pauses, people yell. It seems like that. Oh really? Yeah. There's like, they yell. I think you might just be very famous. They want attention. I get stuff from 40 years ago. That's the problem. Church lady! I'm just in the middle of...

whatever. Oh, in the middle. Characters, they yell out, they want to see Garth. After you've done Church Lady, then they yell later and you go, didn't we just, I just did that? Why Garth said, I do it, I was spaced out. So Garth says, isn't that special? You know, I get mixed up. I'm not in shape. How many dates do you do? Cause you seem really, really poised up there. Oh gosh. I don't know. I mean, I'd have to go. Do you have, when you tour, do you have a name?

Yeah. What is the current? That's half the battle. I know. I love the name. Tell me that goddamn name. These guys are openers. It's a world tour. They call it the world tour. I didn't put world tour. Half her phone calls are her manager's going, what's the name of your special? What's the name of your tour? I know.

I know. They made me name my summer tour, which was just me doing clubs, working out. And they were like, what's the summer tour? And I'm like, it's me and clubs. It's not a tour yet. Taylor time. And they were like, what about new ideas? And I was like, fine. But then people are like, is it the same show as the club show in September if I go to a theater show in October? And you're like, no. My manager just made me name it a different thing. Yeah. The new theater tour is called the Have It All Tour. I Have It All Tour? The Have It All Tour.

The have it all tour. The have it all tour. I have it all tour. That'd be the worst. There's one more letter and I'm the worst. My last tour was called David Spade Drop Spy. I packed him. Yeah, that's a... No, I was just thinking that's what Sandler's doing when he's on tour, but

but a couple of us come by and do it. He doesn't even need it on the marquee. He's already sold out. He goes, come by and do three. Three? Three? Do three, get the light at one and a half. What did you, what's yours? What's your name? Catch Me Inside. No one can say their tour name with a straight face. It's funny because it's so dumb because it's Catch Me Outside from,

Nine years ago. Steve Martin and Martin short, isn't it? See us now. Cause you won't later or something. We're too old for this. Our manager handles Marty Martin to you guys. And we love Martin. And he, they said he's,

He goes, I did the tour. Doesn't that? Doesn't Kevin Hart short have one? Or maybe it was a Broadway show. If I'd saved, I wouldn't be here. Oh, that's funny. They have the best titles. I would go just for the title with Steve and Marty. Yeah. Catch me inside. I'll keep using that. Cause then they go in January, I have new tour dates and they go, what's the name of that? I go, I don't know. I don't want to, I'm not so familiar with it where you say,

If I name it, is it a new hour? I think so. Can there be no jokes in the other one? I'm not from that school. I got nine years between specials where I had the same basic hour. I just wrote a new hour and then milked it. Well, that's not a milking sound. Yeah, there's a milking. That's like a raspberry sound. Anyway, do a guy going in, opening his car door. I'll do a bus. And adjusting his rear view mirror. Here's a bus. Get in. Hang on. You walk up, I guess. Yeah.

He's grinding the gears. Well, I have a character that I do in my stand-up called Sound Effect-y. Okay, go. Better not bump with my act. I went to open my car, adjusted my rear view mirror. Fuck you, that's most of my act. He's intentionally really bad. I walked across the grass, it was really wet. Slurp, slurp, slurp. Taylor's from Orange County. Hey, Sound Effect-y, Taylor Thomason or Tommy T's. Let's ask her if she's ever seen Sonya Lott.

I've seen the clips on YouTube and TikTok. By the way, this is our youngest person we've ever talked to. Yeah, I'm very confused. I have a question. How did I get booked on this? Why am I here? Our average guest is 78 years of age. Who do I thank for getting on this podcast? The last three. We need you more than you need us. This is big for us. No, this is fun because we... You do not need our podcast. I've seen your special. You're good. We do also stand up set.

for or most stand-ups we like to find out if they were influenced at all by SNL or what they liked about it because it usually ties into comedy in general so we're sort of branching out. Yeah, because you're, let's see, you born in, what, 90? 2000. 2000. Oh,

93. So you'd be, let's call you 8 or 10 or 12, like early knots. You'd be like a Will Ferrell, Tina Fey. That was your pocket. And who was your crush? Jimmy Fallon. Oh, did you love Jimmy Fallon as much as I did? No, I think Jimmy Fallon was probably...

I think Jimmy Fallon left when we were watching it, me and my friends. So then the update was Amy and Tina. Yeah, Amy and Tina. Yeah, I opened for them at the Netflix is a Joke Festival, and I fucked up so bad. I was so uncool. I was really lame. Because you were nervous? Yeah, somebody at the festival, someone wasn't available, I'm sure, and they asked me last minute to do it. Not them, but just Netflix did.

and I didn't think I was going to meet them. And so I just like did my set and I was like, great, it's fine. We're not gonna have to deal with it. And I went backstage and they were in the hallway and they were like, Hey, great job. Thanks for doing this. And Amy's like, we were so glad you wanted to do it. And I was like, what? No, that's stupid. That's no. And she's like, congrats on everything. Hi, I'm Amy. And I was like, yeah, no, I'm Taylor, whatever. Like I was so, so uncool. And then my manager was like, let's take a photo. And then I'm sure they were like,

We're going to go. And did you go, you want me to send you guys one? Maybe it was a mistake booking. I was fangirling so hard. Is it hard? Because you've become, like, you've blown up. Sorry, I didn't know where you were going somewhere. No, I said like a joke, kind of a burn. Okay. I was curious about when Taylor realized she was a star. Yeah, what day? Maybe you haven't yet. Go back to your diary, open it up.

I think it's coming. I think 2040 is what I'm hoping for. No, I was going to say, as far as the SNL connection, I feel so bad because I've literally never wanted to be on SNL at all. And I've listened to a lot of this podcast and I love it because I think SNL is so interesting and it's easy for me to enjoy anecdotes and fun facts about it because I've never had any desire to.

to audition for Bionic. All right, this has been Tom Lipson stopping by. We will be back next week. Time for one more question before we...

No, that's interesting, but you were nervous around Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Yeah, no, I love SNL. Well, they're great. It's so nice to watch something that you don't think you can do. It's less stress because if you're so horny for it, Dana, I have to say, we always say, Dana fit right into SNL and you might have had aspirations for it. It did not cross my mind, sort of like Taylor.

But Taylor has done way more than I did at that point. Like I was at a point where I was so excited. I got on Joan Rivers show and Arsenio was hosting for her. And then I got on the, one of the last Johnny Carson's and hadn't done even Letterman yet. But at that mid level where you just starting to do stuff and get on TV and then it came up,

I would be stupid not to because I had nothing in my future. And so I go, oh, I could write for them. But to be on it, I'm not like a character-y guy. I'm kind of more like you in a weird way. Like I just do my stand-up and I'm kind of, not one note, but I'm kind of the same persona. That would be more of an update thing. Did you ever harbor desires to be an update person? Not Bill Murray, but I would be like a Bill Murray. Not as good, obviously, but in the way that he's always kind of Bill Murray and everything.

And then Eddie Murphy, all these other people, Dana would just disappear and be like these big characters. That was tougher. So I see you, I kind of see what you're saying there. That's a long way of saying that. Right, yeah. Sorry. No, update was the only thing that ever looked fun to me. Oh, yeah, you could do update. Yeah, but even, I like touring. I like being on the road and I feel like you can't really do that. Tina and Amy, if they're aware of your standup, they would really appreciate it, especially Tina because she's such a writer, writer. You know, she's like, and your writing is so skilled and,

Oh, thank you. And comprehensive. You're like John Mulaney or something. Oh, that's very nice. Very comfortable watching you. And you just keep going in these different directions. And your act outs are great. I mean, you're playing characters a lot like Mulaney in your standup. Thank you. That's so nice. Taking on attitudes and things. So I've called Lorne and he's on the phone right now. But you're like, if you were a sprinter, you got out of the blocks fast. Because you had a really cool special at age 25. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's unusual in the modern era, isn't it? I guess. To have a really good one. I suppose. They pass out specials. Was it Netflix? They pass out specials. Anyone can have one. But have a good special. How do you compare your first one to your second one in terms of your evolution as a stand-up?

as far as like my experience doing it. And how did you feel more confident in the second one? Do you think your writing was better? Are they both melded together? Is it rubber sole and a revolver for a Beatle connection? Or are they sort of, did you feel there's something different? We don't know who the Beatles are, me and Taylor. We talk about things from the 60s a lot. We'll talk about James, you know, Sean Connery and Paul McCartney a lot. But we love having young people here. Yeah.

Well, so let's say this is true that you got a special at 25. Let's just say that. I don't know if it's for sure true. What's a quarter of a hundred years? Right. There you go. It sounds like it could be true. So you did that, but you must have been doing it. It says here since you were 16. This does feel like an interrogation. Do you feel like... Let's just say. No, no, because I know a lot of this is not true. Let's just say that my research is correct. We're going to accept this premise. But if you're 16, so you were probably...

pretty good by... And you must have been really good by 25. And then, do you approach Netflix or do you just... It's kind of the thing where they hear about you, management, that kind of stuff. So Netflix did... Obviously, they did those half hours. I think they did a couple... I think they did three seasons of the stand-ups, but they also did something called the comedy lineup, which is something they tried where they did 15-minute sets where they're like, it's a mini special. It's a 15-minute set. Jesus. But I did that I think the year before...

maybe like a year and a half or like two years before, uh, I filmed quarter life. And after that, I was like, well, let's, you know, go back to them and say, I'd like to do a half hour on the standups. Cause that's the natural progression of things, I assume. And, uh,

to my manager's credit, she was like, well, you're doing hours. Like, we're going to send them an hour and see if we can't get you an hour. And so they sent my hour that I was doing in the club. But do you... I'm sorry. Do you... This is my last thing I'll ever ask in a whole hour. If you...

When you do that, it would feel like to me, like when I did the first Carson, let's say my only one. How old were you? That was my best six, seven minutes. And then when you take that away, it's really pulling the rug out because for you to take out your 15, that's probably your favorite.

And then to go to an hour, that's sort of crippling. It was for me to do one special and then I wasn't from the school. I had an HBO one. It took forever and it wasn't even talked about. I was doing a TV show or some maybe movies or something. So it wasn't really totally the number one focus. But now it feels like there is that pressure or at least it's in higher rotation. Yeah, I mean...

Like I said, there was, like, probably a year and a half in between taping that 15 and taping the hour. God, it's not that long to come up with an hour. Well, I came up... When I was coming up, it was like, Louis C.K. does a new hour every year. And we were like, shit, okay. And with social media, like, I'm, like, writing jokes just for social media that, like, aren't going to go in the hour so that I can put up clips that will...

drive people to buy tickets to see what they want. To see jokes they haven't seen. And is that little video clips that you put on of yourself? Not just writing. Reels. I'll tell them after. I'll tell them after. I don't do all this. I'm old and I don't do TikToks. I don't do anything. So you pick up a payphone and what do you do? You look at it. When I saw you, Taylor, being of another generation, I thought, this is really, and Courtney, Whitney Cummings has done it. It's sort of this extremely honest thing

young person up there, a woman in this case. And I just feel like you're really talking to young women in such an honest, real way. And there's been others, but you're in that world of really delving into...

I don't want to say it heavy, but just say anything. I mean, there's no barriers. You're not like a G-rated. Are there things you stay away from for sure? Because you seem pretty open. Yeah. I mean, I stay away from anything I don't know anything about. I'm not really like an observational comic. I don't really... It's personal. Yeah, I'm not up there doing current event stuff. I'm just talking about what I'm going through in my own life. The personal stuff is the easiest stuff not to get stepped on by another comedian. All my jokes are about 7-Eleven.

So it's harder because everyone has one. Then I say they're stolen. I used to, I used to do an hour on Costco and Walmart and there was so much overlap. No one could open for me. By the way, I'm already laughing. It's funny. Costco is a funny fucking place, Dana. Costco is funny because you go in and you can't get out. Everything's big. You have to stay in Costco. Everything's big as mine. I tell comics when I'm on the lineup, I go, nothing about Costco. I used to have comics when I'd open for them. They go, hey, come here. Are you going for me? Nothing about Jeopardy. Nothing about Wheel of Fortune. Nothing about 7-Eleven. I'm like,

Well, of course. It's my whole act. But I'm like, of course not. I'm going to get a TV and a side of ham. Costco. So bipolar. So you brought that up in your last special. Do you like talking about it? Which Taylor are we talking to? Do you like talking about it? Isn't it fun? Look, that's what I was going through last year. So that's what we did jokes about. Yeah. It's just...

That's what I had going on. And I think I had a hard time with it when I first figured it out. And I was like, I'm not going to tell anybody. And then like, you know, six weeks later, two months later, you write a joke about it. I got 10 minutes on it. And you're like, all right, I guess I got to do this now. Let's get something out of this. Yeah, for real. It's true. Let's write off some of these psychiatry bills. Everything in my life. My dad left me and it was immediately in there because that was personal to me. And you're doing a funny spin, which that kind of stuff...

might have a tiny underlying sadness, but you have to do this line. There was some joke I was doing recently about being broke growing up. And I thought it was so hysterical. And then people are like, it's kind of sad. And I go, you weren't. So I had to look back on it and tweak it.

I'm not broke now. No, who said that? Huh? What was the sad part? Terrified Taylor. Someone thought it was college. Because everyone goes they had no money, even if they were a silver spoon. He made like a million. What is that? A million back then was only like 10 million. 1,500 square feet, seven people, one bathroom. Dad's a high school teacher. Do the math. 1,500 square feet house. Seven people in there. Five kids.

Two adults. Okay, you win. Wow. I'm a champion. But it wasn't that. There was a monster in the neighborhood and it was called my dad. That I can't land. It's too heavy. No, but that same thing. So you're touching on that because we're talking about like bipolar or something. Yeah, darkness and lightness. Yeah.

Dana goes to therapy. I've been to therapy. I got into therapy at 60. You got into therapy at what age? You're smart. Oh, gosh. I mean, well, my mom died when I was in elementary school. So I went to some school counselor and then I went to a hospice support group, which was actually crazy because they put... It was a bunch of kids and they had us in...

Like me and my sister went and our mom was dead. And then they had us with a bunch of kids whose parents weren't dead yet. And I'm like, why are we all in this support group? Should I be in a different group? Yeah. I'm like, is there not two rooms? You can split us up. See that, that in the special about your mom dying and your eight was, and then you sat on the stool and you kind of gave a precursor. I'm going to be doing six minutes around this subject and you landed it. It's very tricky. How did you work that out to make that?

I mean, some of those jokes I was working on really like when I was like 21 and it just wasn't working because I wasn't I don't think I had like the maturity as a performer and I don't think I was comfortable enough with myself as a comic or a person. And I hadn't done enough therapy around it and was like, I'm fine, but I wasn't.

And I think the audience can smell it on you if you're like really not okay. And it is tricky to land. And it took years to get that material to a place where it was accessible. And there were plenty of jokes that didn't make it because I was like, I think that's hilarious. And they feel bad for you and they think it's too hard to laugh at. Yeah, they're too sad. It's going to be funnier than it is sad. You had good therapy. Like it really helped you.

Some people go to bad therapy. Like David went and it didn't work. You had bad therapy? I went twice and I go, I feel like I did it. Do we do more than this? And she goes, oh, and then I go. I'm fixed. No, I got fixed quick and she was like, high five. You're done. Wow. Two sessions. That's great. Your therapist hates money. She hates, they always go, it's,

It's, you want to pay for a thousand sessions up front? And I go, how fucked up am I? She's like, well, that's the beginning. It's like laser hair removal. It takes that many. It takes that many times. You think it's over. Yeah. So do you think that therapy allowed your stand-up to evolve then? They kind of work in concert together. I went back to therapy. I've been in therapy now for, I mean, I started going when I was 18.

24 or 25. And so it's been like four or five years now that I've been going consistently. Would it be weird to ask for your therapist number? Because I'm kind of looking for a new one. No, I'm kidding. Would it be weird to patch them in right now? No, but you know- She's under the table. When you say therapist, I think it's smart what you're doing because I could never have said that at that age, especially being a guy. It's just weird for my age back then. Even now, I wouldn't probably tell people I would just do it. But the-

You have your friends, which you think are your therapists, but there's always something else going on with their

what the advice they're giving you. So you just need a clear shot of someone you don't know at all, doesn't care about anything in your life and just will straight back and forth as straight as you can get. I'm sure if you're DiCaprio in there, there's always something weird. Like you don't know if someone's star fucking or someone just saying this or whatever, but if you can just get someone that you feel comfortable, just even if you talk for an hour and they don't say anything, there's something good about that. Oh yeah. I feel like most of,

what me and my therapist do is she just asks me questions where I say something and she goes, why do you think that is? Or, okay, do you hear that? Or I, I asked her once, I was like having a hard session. I go, I mean, what am I doing? And she goes, what are you doing? That'll be $200. I love that. When I do it, they go like this. I tell a sad story and they go, do you think there's a bit there? Yeah.

And I go, oh, thanks, therapist. You're helping me work. That's actually great. Yeah. I wish my therapist would do that. Oh, I have had to. I've gotten a lot of bits out of therapy. My therapist said I was a people pleaser. And I said, that's a great observation.

Boom, these are the jokes. There's so many therapy jokes. I know, you can't help but think of jokes. Taylor laughed at my therapy joke. It was great. I love therapy jokes. My therapist just came to a show, actually. She was like, would you mind if I came to a show? It's fine if not. I was like, I mean, do you feel like it would help this process? Did she pass out cards with your name on it? She should have. I know. She was like, just let me know if you want me to go or not. She goes, because if you do want me to go, I have to think up a reason. Because both my therapist and my psychiatrist were like,

we watch your specials because our family turned it on, but we couldn't say, we couldn't say anything. We couldn't be like, that's my client. Like they can't like tell their husband, I'm going to go see my client's comedy show. So they have to be like, I don't know. We're going to home goods. I don't know. If you mentioned therapy, they, do they stand up and wave and you go, no,

And they go, oh, oh, they sit back down. But was that, did you get into stuff like, okay, the first thing I was told was that we have these feelings and we suppress them and they're like, as if you have a sore knee, it's like they're talking to you. Mm-hmm.

And that they, the therapist just questions your thinking a lot. Because if it's negative, redundant thinking, I'm a piece of shit, I ate myself, we're all going to die. Then she'll challenge that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So why do you think you're a piece of shit? I mean, well, because of these reasons.

But are those reasons true? And you go, well, I guess not. If you need me to prove it to you, I didn't know this was going to be a whole thing. Okay. Well, I just wonder why you want to believe something that isn't true. Like, it's like how I talk to boyfriends. I'm like, why do you think that was a good idea?

Why do you need to like girls? I don't really like them, but you put a like button. I watched Good Will Hunting right before I started my first therapy session. And I was hoping for, it's not your fault. It's not your fault, but I never got it. You just walked in and you're like, whose fault would you say it isn't? Whose fault isn't it? Yeah.

And then it was like, you're an empath and narcissists feed on empathetic people. Yeah, you're a narcissist, chow. Yeah. As a Ford owner, there are lots of choices of where you get your vehicle serviced. You can choose to go to their place, the local dealership, your place, home, apartment, condo, your workplace, even your happy place, like your cottage on the lake. Go to your Ford dealer and choose Ford pickup and delivery to have your vehicle picked up, serviced, and brought right back.

I was like...

ask your brothers what your biggest flaw is. And they all wrote back like very funny, nice things. And I went, okay, I'm going to ask my siblings. And I asked my siblings and my brother immediately responds with, I think you expect everyone to hurt you. So you push them away before they can. And I was like, oh my God, you guys, I was looking for- How old was this kid? No real answers, please. I know. Like he's been to therapy too. He's, you know,

You expect everyone to hurt you, so you create a situation where they hurt you. You push people away before they can hurt you because you expect everyone to hurt you. I think I had some of that. Some of that. Yeah, sure, sure. Some of that, but I've been married for...

Yeah, what's that like? What's it like being successfully married? It's really cool. Is it really cool? Well, we've both been married to seven different people in the same marriage. A long marriage is like a planet going behind the sun. There's these sort of

more chilly years and then you come back to the sun and you're like oh this is great so we're in an incredible that's really nice yeah and you have to have we never were no one ever called an attorney or anything we're we just you know yeah we realized only recently we took a personality test across from each other it's a table

And it was all helpers. Oh. So we help our families and- You're both helpers. Helpers, yeah. Oh, that's so nice. So that's, you just have to be two good people in a marriage. That's what you gotta do. If you have a narcissist and an empath, then the narcissist can't help it. They're gonna feed on the empathetic person and sort of destroy them and make it all about them. That's not good. Yeah. Two helpers are more right after you. Like David and I are two helpers. So I say, David, I'll do the research. He goes, no, I'll do the research. Right.

right after you but anyway yes dana has a great marriage and it's a good ad to see someone because i grew up without seeing great marriages and uh you know i have not been married and uh it's kind of a secret my parents had a sucky marriage i didn't emulate that that's crazy that you actually because i'm scared to get i would be scared to get in a situation it was bad and i saw some bad ones and i still do and i go and there's some good ones like

Like you. And there's a couple other ones. Most are, you struggle. I mean, then there's post kids and what are we doing now? But the sales pitch is like, it's work. I'm like, I already work. I don't want extra work. But you know, that's what happens. I think dating is work. Dating is a drag too. That's the thing. I was not a good dater. It's probably easier to be married, to be honest. Yeah. I'd rather work than just do an endless string of interviews. Yeah. Yeah.

There's no callbacks. I mean, I, well, the thing is like, I don't, shit, I can't remember if I was going to ask this. It doesn't matter. I don't date. When I'm around, I'm thinking about comedians in general. There's not as many female comedians. So I don't, I don't think I've dated. Heather, have I dated anyone?

Comedians? But it is, it's a world that you're around the most. Heather knows the answer. I don't know. That's a great executive producer of our podcast. I don't even know. Heather, if I have her. I hope you haven't. But I'm saying, oh yeah, I'm like, oh, that one for five years. Oh no. But I'm just saying that it's a,

You know, when you're a busboy or a waiter, you date the bartenders when you're at work. So you're around just dudes mostly all the time. Yeah. And at night and drinking and clubs and weird situations and staying in hotels. Go ahead. I'm very curious about what you talk about it, but like in real life, what because people ask me, like, what do women really find attractive?

Oh, I mean, I think that just depends on who it is. But do you like a busy man, a working man, or do you like a man who hangs out a lot? Oh, hangs out a lot, like unemployed. Well, are you familiar with Jordan Peterson? Yes. So I know a lot of young men and he's a disciple and it's sort of about the modern young man, you know, not being emasculated or, you know,

But you being a superstar comedian, it's intimidating for a lot of men, maybe. You want to meet a man who has enough... Are you strong enough to be my man? I'm familiar with Sheryl Crow. That's what I say on the first date. And they go, is that Sheryl Crow? And I go, could you check? Is that one of your bits? Don't worry about it. It is hard to...

keep it going when you only have certain windows and they're like oh I have to fit in those two days you're home and you're like I guess I mean that's just the way it is but and if you can't you can't but if they're busy which is an attractive quality if someone else has something going on to meet us and then

it's harder to sync up. I used to date someone in my early 20s who was also doing comedy and we used to send avails emails. We would subject line avails. Yeah. It's not great. What would you say to this, Taylor? Availability for a comedy club. What would you say to this, Taylor? Men like to be admired.

By women? I know. I should be asking what men are attracted to. And women like to love a man that they admire. Are you asking me if I agree with that? Or are you just telling me how it is? Ask me if I understand. Open thoughts. It's just a Hallmark card thing I heard somewhere. There's always a little bit of truth. Men like to be admired and women like to be loved by a man they admire. I think everybody's different. I think there's some people who really need...

To be admired.

And I do think you see that in a lot of show business relationships is obviously one person needs to be on the marquee. Yeah, the other person needs to be the crowd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't know. I think...

I think if the other person's okay with that, I think some people are really happy to be the supportive one. Like some people don't want to be on camera, for lack of a better phrase. But then I think there's other people who...

like both people want that in different ways so i don't know i mean honestly i i should be asking you like you're the only one i used to say successfully married here why are you making us come up with ideas you guys twist the turn yeah you're like what do men and women want we're like why don't you fucking tell us dana carvey if you marry a fan like i married a civilian you married a fan i married a civilian okay was it a fan dana wasn't a big deal

But she's very happy and independent. Were you famous already? It wasn't like we would go over my... In the clubs. You were in the clubs. Oh, great. I was selling out 70 Cedars. In San Fran. She made more money than I did at that point. That's amazing. It is. It's weird. That's great, though. Yeah. Because don't you feel like if you had tried to meet somebody...

post-fame that would have gotten really weird and hard. I think that would be more difficult in a way. Who was it? Was it Matthew Perry? He's got his book out saying he only will date wealthy women now. Is that what he said? Because they were always, at the end of the day, after a few months, it's like...

Could a sister get a nickel? Could I get a dime? Could I get a car? I've never dated a girl that didn't ultimately ask me for money. Really? Yeah, as we said, I mean, that was part of Zach's talk. Oh, wow. And then one time we were out in an elevator and he goes, I'm the only TV star that has to drive a cab at night.

Because he was spending his money. How do you feel about it? I mean, dating and being very famous. I like... Or do you like it? I tell them, I go, I'm the star, you're the crew. You're not even an audience. I make them wear a shirt that says crew on it. You're a crew member. You work, you like to stay behind the scenes, but you're important. They like that description. Here's a boom mic. But I do like... I don't like...

No, I want funny. So it's more demanding. I like when women are funny in their own way, even if it's just they don't need to be Robin Williams. But, you know, just like a lightness or fun to them. Obviously, there is to be attracted just initially. And then that kind of thing hangs in there for me. So yeah.

It's a little demanding because not everyone is- Super hot and super funny? That's what you're looking for? Well, not literally super funny or super hot. Just so I understand. No, I know what I'm saying. Just amusing. Just like- Oh, amusing. Okay. Likes comedy and is- Well, great sense of humor. Put it that way. Yeah, just sense of humor, not a comedian. Even if they're great sense of humor is different. But when women say, okay, you're gross, but you can date girls because you have a sense of humor. People like that.

Uh, but sense of humor is so vague. It's like music. I like a girl that likes music. It's like comedy is, do you like carrot top? Do you like, uh, this kind of act? Do you like loud? Do you like dry? Do you, what TV shows you like? Like if, if that doesn't sync up, then that's not a sense of humor that would sync up. Yeah. You know, you have to find someone that's similar or that thinks I'm,

Funny in my way, because that's how I am sort of all the time, at least in some version. And then it's whatever, it's more of a charm with girls. Like, it doesn't have to be like jokes or anything. I've seen David talking to a young woman and his...

Game or if it's not even a game, it's your patter. Your patter is very good. Patter sounds better. Comedians generally know how to talk about the elephant in the room. And, you know, like Woody Allen was kissing Diane Keaton and Annie Hawkins kiss now because we're going to do it later. You know, comedians know how to do that, you know, because you're wonderful. You're perfectly beautiful. Yeah.

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That's $50 off with CodeFly at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Taylor actually looks very young and seems older than you are.

Thank you. I get that a lot. People, I've always hated that I have like a baby face and, you know, then you get to LA and everyone's like, you'll love it someday. Everyone will like it. Let me tell you, Dana's a very young. No, I had a huge fat baby face. I got carded at 53 by a sober American person. Really? But then the fat starts to disappear. The neck says, fuck you. And then you're, now I'm a cowboy. Dana's in a war with his neck and face. No, I'm a cowboy. I'm a cowboy.

I'm a cowboy. I got some scruff. Hey, man, I have a few wrinkles. I'm a cowboy now. He's a pirate. No, my hair is sticking up today. He's a little bit Steven Tyler. My hair is sticking up today because it's got hairspray. But when I went to Chili's last week. Yeah, your hair does say today. I filmed something yesterday. Something's going on. That's called should have stopped at four drinks hair. I went to Chili's, Dana. I was on set last night. This is a true story.

Taylor, you're going to love this one. Okay. Just take a break for about 20 minutes. Just take a break. We will talk about you again in five seconds. Just hang on. I was at Chili's, which I try to go to when I'm on the road. I love it. So we go there and the waitress is very nice. And then she says, she does everything from, do you want me to stop people from coming over? Do you want me to, I'm in Chili's. I'm asking for trouble. So it's fine. I like to see everybody. It's fine. But we're ordering. And then when, in the middle of dinner, after we've talked about, that's the now we've talked about everything.

She comes back and she goes, I go, can I get a just a Belvedere with my Diet Coke? And she goes, I have to card you. And I know who you are. I have to card me. Oh, yeah. And I kind of laughed and she stood there and I go, oh, okay. And I give her my ID and she looks at it. Okay. Like it was a little relief. Okay. You're a hundred. Like, I mean, what?

Why are you carding me? When did I get on SNL when I was one? What is she worried about? Impression of a person opening candy. Way too loud. Just open the fucking candy so I can watch the movie already. Go on for like 20 minutes. There's a stand up bit.

You can have it. Taylor! Taylor will do 20 minutes on that. Candy openers and movie computers. Could you just open and eat the fucking candy? I mean, my generation mostly streams, but... Ah, Dana. My generation. So, Taylor... Oh, shit. I got chocolate on the microphone. This is...

You got chocolate on my mic. This podcast is going downhill now. No, it's... This is my favorite so far. This is my favorite. Because you're so relaxed and charming. I've listened to a lot of episodes, so I feel very prepared. I think I love you. I didn't... Honestly, didn't... When I got asked to do this, I was like, oh my God, I didn't even know they had a podcast because there are so many podcasts now. Yeah, sure. And you guys are doing it right. You got famous and then started one. That's the only way to do it now. And I was like, oh, I got to listen to it because I always listen to shows before I do them. And I've like...

I mean, I've just been burning through them the last few weeks. That's good. Just skim. There's some shows where the guests will talk. There's some shows where just Dane and I talk. Some I just talk. Some David just talks. Sometimes Heather or Greg. It's hard to do, actually. It's hard to do where you don't talk over each other because...

There's three of us. It's a conversation, so we do it. Yeah, it's like dinner. Like we're having dinner or lunch. Well, I've talked to other people about this podcast and starting to listen to it, and everybody's like, I just love that they're friends. Like, I think that's mostly what people like to- See?

Dana's a little quieter. And so when I obviously knew him on SNL, I knew him a little bit before SNL, barely. Just he was like a comic I liked. I met him when he was a child. And he would let me open for him. And then he helped on SNL. And then I got there. And then after we all left, we were doing different things. But when he moved back down here, I would ask if he wanted to go to dinner. He's just fun to talk to. And he's wonderful.

one of my favorites. And then we'd have some laughs at dinner. And so I have to get him out of the house though, because if not prodded, he stays in, you know? Yeah, I'm an incredible homebody. I got my guitar, I got my keyboard, I got movies I can watch, I can paint. Yeah. And I'm more thirsty and embarrassing and I go out and I walk around the Beverly Center. He's a man about town. No, I'm not.

There's nothing wrong with that. The last time I saw you was on Hollywood Boulevard going, who wants a picture? That's what I saw. Well, that's because on Thursdays and Fridays, I stand by my star and I take photos. But I think last time I saw you, this sounds stupid, but I think I was leaving the improv and you were coming in. I said, I think you're up because I think you're after me. I did a show with both of you.

It was me and you two. Oh, was that the same night? I think so. And did you follow Jeff Ross? No, I followed Pete Holmes. Okay. Yes. I think it was a Sunday. And I went in there and I saw Pete and he was on a roll. He was murdering him. He's a big guy and he was just killing. Yeah. And I saw you go up and... Go ahead. Oh, no. You had to deal with Pete to get the rhythm back into your voice. And we all do it. You have to follow someone. Did you follow her?

I'm not sure. I don't remember. No, Jeff Ross came on between. But I was in the dark and you came by and I said, hi. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I don't remember. How did your set go following someone who's crushing? That takes a, like a veteran's experience of like. She does fine. I thought it went okay. Now I'm doubting it based on this conversation. Pete and I talked about it.

Oh my god Was it bad? No you crashed You always kill Oh my god did I? Okay But I was thinking Am I following that? I mean I don't do that much stand up Really? And I said From what I remember You played Chop and Broccoli And everyone gave you A standing ovation He killed

I went back to 1982. Yeah. I can go back there. He went back. I'm like, Taylor, I'm a museum piece at this point. People are like that. Come in like. Danny goes, he's still alive. Do you guys remember E.T.? This song came out that year. I wrote it in 82. It got on TV in 86. Let's get accurate. The 80s are big right now. Have you seen Stranger Things? It's very nostalgic.

Yes. You're back. Yeah. Everyone loves the 80s. Todd Runger. Who's using Todd Runger lately? Some shows are using Todd Runger. Hello, it's me. Hello, it's me or...

Well, let me see. Now I'm going to ask you about your- He's running out of questions. No, I'm asking about your specials. Well, there's one about a devout Christian family. I don't know if that's even a question. About what? One of my specials. Was it a Catholic family or a Protestant? Who wrote these notes? This is straight off of- This is from somebody called Mr. Wikipedia. This is from Wikipedia? This says you attended California State University, San Marcos, which sounds like a fake college. Oh, that's true. I went to a few colleges.

I did not finish. People are like, hey, did you go to CSUSM? It's pretty good. It's CSUSM. Is that right? That's enough letters, yeah. For a college. Didn't you... You got... Oh, wait. Last Comic Standing. That's what I want to know. You were on Last Comic Standing. And are you sequestered like on The Bachelor or something? Do you have phones? Do you have anything? Or there weren't phones? We had our phones. We were just sitting in...

like a makeshift green room while they sort of film. - Was the whole show a green room? You guys live in a green room? - No, but there was no, when I did it, it was like the last season and there was no house, there were no challenges. - Oh really? - It was just standup sets. So we just, we did just sit in a green room and every once in a while they'd pull someone to go do an interview in a chair, I guess, but it was just doing sets. That's it. - And you just would write? - We stayed at the Hilton or something. - You'd write a set? How did the show work? - I think we all did like, we were doing like three minute sets, five minute sets.

And so you do that and then the judges give you feedback and then you'd find out if you went through the next round. But I think if you went all the way through to the end, it was only like four or five sets. I think it was only four sets because I did three and I was in the top 10. And then you get the winner gets a gift certificate at Chili's. It was down to that at that point. I think they got I want to say Clayton English got like $200,000. Oh, nice. I think I don't really remember. And then they went on tour. The top five did.

Oh, like that last comic standing tour. That's a good idea. Did you ever have a moment? Cause I know I did. I don't know if David did it. Like, ah, maybe I'm not going to do this. Maybe, maybe I can't. Like I'm not cut out for it? I'm not gonna, I bombed too many times in a row. Well, I've never bombed, but I did feel like, um, no, I've bombed. I was about to say, Jesus. I forgot we just met. I'm so sorry. You bombed that night with Dana horribly according to his story.

He was a dandy little opener. If he'd get on a roll, I'd go cut it, get him off, get him off, get him off. Start playing the music. I used to travel, well, one time we did like 13 gigs in the summer. We did a Northeast tour in tents in August. It was 100% humidity, 105 degrees. He'd go out in shorts.

Shorts, flip flops, drinking honey. And hang over the stool. Life alert. Oh, no. I didn't think you could do stand up that low key and kill. He kind of walking out. They thought it was me in those days. We looked more alike. That was the worst. Woo. And then you drape himself off the stool. What's up? What's up? Cape Cod. And I go up and do an hour and a half and just drench through my clothes. Like literally sweat all the way through my clothes. The crowd was kind of going, whoa.

What's your weirdest gig ever? I'll be like, oh my gosh. I mean, which question should I answer? The one you asked me before? No, do the one before. Have you ever said, maybe I'm not going to be cut out for this? Oh yeah. And I think that was more of a lifestyle thing. I was like, I don't know if I'm cut out for, I don't like the hang. I have really bad social anxiety. I,

you know i like i don't drink like i wasn't i just wasn't a good feature like i went on the road with burt like a few times and it was like such a bad like i i learned so much from him but he was like he even told me later he's like i didn't really like you off stage at first because you weren't fun nice which is completely fair um but yeah i i felt like maybe i wasn't um

weirdly enough like fun or brave enough to do it and like with the travel and when like mental health stuff was really rough I was like I don't know that this is it's a big solo outing I don't think people take that into consideration well before I before I had the first special I had just gotten to a place right before COVID that I could start bringing somebody to open for me and that makes the biggest difference that's a lot who do you use as an opener a man or woman or uh his name is Dustin Nickerson he's very funny he's like

one of my best friends and we like came up together. So it's just like, I'm lucky he even goes on the road with me. And you can plan your standup around your mental health in a sense. Like I'll do this little tour. I'll take a break. I mean, you're in theaters now, right? Pretty big theaters. Do you know what gets to where, where it's your limit? Like, let me go out for how many days and then I got to get back kind of thing. Yeah. I mean, this is, uh,

at the risk of sounding like the worst, when we first, you know, sort of announced the tour, I was like, this is very doable. And then we started adding shows and then that becomes... That is a trick. Yeah, that becomes a little, like, more overwhelming. So I think you plan out as much as you can. But, you know, after the first theater tour, I think this one I had a much better idea of, like, okay, I need...

one weekend off a month I need to space these out I think now my agents are like okay you're you're

you're more than a flash in the pan maybe. So we can make sure you have longevity. Yeah. Like we can focus on your mental health and you forget the, uh, I didn't mean to interrupt you, but I'm just doing this this year. This is the first time I've done like theater tour and you forget a lot of them because of canceled flights and shit. You have to go the day before. It's too risky. So that's another day of boredom and weirdness. And then, and then if it goes well, we want to add a late show or we want, and,

I said, I can't do late shows. I did it once on this tour and I go, oh my God, it's brutal. Like a theater late show is not as casual as a club late show. Do you do meet and greets? It's a big deal. What's that? Do you do meet and greets? I don't do meet and greets, but that would kill me. Nikki Glaser goes out and I go,

We have the same person. And Alex keeps saying I poison her because I go, you do late shows? I go, oh, I can't handle it. I was just commending her. Yeah. Because she's like a grinder. She works and she can talk a lot and she does a podcast and that. But that's a different type of personality. She can do that and thrives on it. And then he goes, did you tell her not to do late shows? I go, no, no, no, no. And he goes, don't poison her. And don't go to GAF again. He's got all these people. And I go, I'm just saying me and...

But if they add a show, it's the next night. So it's, I'm trying to do that now. It's okay. But then it's a whole nother day. And it's a whole nother Taylor. I have a question based on what you can give me a half hour to answer. Tell my answer to her question. How are you with saying no?

I've gotten better at it. Like the agent really want, I mean, it's just a conflict of, yeah, and are you good at, that's a therapy thing of like, my therapist said to me, remember, it's good for them, but is it good for you? Right. Which is very simple. I feel like once I had like one, I had like one, I had like a breakdown at one point and

This was, like, years ago. And I think I had to cancel, like, a few club weekends. And that was maybe when they were like, okay, let's just make sure. Let's pace this out. Yeah, let's pace this out. And I think my agents are pretty good about that now. Like, we were adding shows. We're going over to, like, the UK. And...

My agent was like, okay, do you want to go over the week before? Because that's a lot. Then you're on the road for like three weeks. Like you're just gone. Is that what you want to do? And I was like, yeah, I think so. And he was like, okay, because I'm just reminding you how burnt out you were this time last year during April. And maybe just think about it. Well, that's good. I think...

Also, I have a place in New York and I have a place in LA, and that's made it easier, too. That's way better. Isn't it fascinating that Netflix stand-up stars just obviously go to Europe?

That just wasn't around in the 80s. I mean, to have some value overseas was very rarely the case for Dane and I growing up. I've never even done it over there because I don't know if my jokes about Ralphs will work. You got to call it blippity boobas. That's our Ralphs. I said Bank of America in Canada last weekend. I was in Toronto and somebody DM'd me and they were like, we love you, but Bank of America. And I was like, you know, it's a bank. What is it? You know where I live.

We know where I'm from. It has the word bank. We don't understand. I didn't say chase. Yeah, come on. I was at Manny Hanny. Yeah. The manufacturer's hand over. Yeah. But I haven't done overseas. I would like to in Australia, but it is...

One time Chris Rock told me, Spade, you're on two shows today on TV. Both your sitcoms are on the three channels. So he says, get over here. You're famous. Come. I go, but his act is like politics, very wide range. You can understand it anywhere. Marriage, relationships, race, those things you can talk about almost anywhere.

Mine, I would have to go through my act and go, that's why the stories like you were saying about yourself are good. They travel and no one's doing them because it's just your experience. So I tell stories a lot about my life and my angle on a story hopefully is my own angle. It's like my fingerprint. So those are starting to happen more because that's what works. And I'd be scared of the pressure of, I think what this new thing is,

is Taylor. Uh, you know, you're doing great. So you're going to go to theaters, which is more money. It's more fame. It's great. And then put a special out and then name it. And then that'll work for your next special and then your next tour. And that's sort of scary in itself because it's a lot of pressure and writing an hour that you'd like is, is hard. You know, if you're hard on yourself to go, I don't, I don't love this. And they're like, you're ready. And you're like,

I don't want people to go, eh, it wasn't as good as the last, you know. Yeah, I have that. That's a scary thing. This weekend, a place that I was right before the pandemic. Did you do stand-up this weekend? No, I have one this Saturday and I don't have new stuff for that place. So I'm going to try to write it tomorrow. You know what? Just replace Jimmy Carter. I'll just do Fauci for 10 minutes. I can just extend. Yeah.

I mean, you guys have these crafted hacks and I can just, you know. I know, we're doing it wrong. Well, I'm just not a stand-up. I'm a sketch player. You have talent instead. Yeah, he has talent. Like everything I'm hearing. Hey, Fauci, go fuck yourself. You can get two boosters, three vaccines, you're still getting COVID. Five.

boosters, you're still getting COVID. That's why we're introducing the daily COVID shot. Every day you get a COVID shot. By the time you get to your car, you got no immunity, but it's a beautiful 39 seconds. Boom. From the bottom

of my all new leather Fauci's. Go fuck yourself. David and I are standing just for the listeners. I'm glad to get that out. That warmed me up for Saturday. That is fun. You could say a bit. Do you ever say a bit in your hotel room before you go out because you go, I don't know this bit and I cannot...

I think I'm great. I do. But when I get out there, I do not want to fuck this up for a theater crowd. Yeah. I owe them. It has to be smooth and it doesn't seem smooth until they see it not smooth. And they go, and I go, it's a little undercooked. I dropped the line. You forget your ending. It's humiliating. You forget the middle of it. You go, I don't even know where this is going. Yeah. You see it on your set list. You go, I start it and I go,

I don't know what's going on. Yeah, a club you fuck up, you're like, at least you got chicken fingers. Well, you kind of say I fucked up and they're there. I was playing 1500 seater and I dropped a line and it was just kind of embarrassing. So the whole souffle of the joke was fucked. And I'm like, do you have notes on stage hidden anywhere? I do. Or you got it in your head? Sometimes. I just recently, now I don't.

but also you can take your, I record every set on my phone. So if you ever really, you know, not always, but I do. I record every set just in case you stumble into something. I mean, I'll listen to it if I haven't gone up in a few days to like get it back in my head in the same way you say it over and over in your hotel room. Or go hear a joke. You go listen to it. That's how it goes. That's how it goes. Yeah, exactly. So I, I,

I did have a set list like on the stool while I was doing clubs all summer because things were moving around and, you know, you do the thing with the index cards on the floor and you move it all over the place. But now I have it. You know in your head? Yeah, now I do. Because you say it enough. Do you have a bit right now that you don't have to say it out loud that's just kind of coming together and you're thinking, oh, that's going to be a great chunk? Oh, man. Yeah.

I don't, I feel that, I kind of feel that way. About vest sweaters, I was told by somebody. Don't kid me. Oh, I was like, I don't know. What do I have to write? You have a great cardigan, Chuck. Well, I feel like kind of the best part for me of like getting to an hour is when you realize you have more than you need and you go, oh good, I can get rid of these couple things that weren't that strong. Like that's the great thing about TikTok and Instagram is like, if you have a joke that you're like, this is fine, but I don't want it like,

in a special just goes just goes like on TikTok and to be put into a fucking wood chipper basically yeah and then you never use it again yeah I was I didn't even notice that until someone told me they go it's a lot of crowd work on TikTok because you don't want something real from your act I'm like oh my god that's true

Because why would you burn it? I mean, I get it. I was just talking to this other comedian I work with on the road and I was asking her, I go, I feel like you're doing too much good stuff on. Online? Online. Oh, yeah. I mean, it sounds crazy to say, but she's like, I know, but I got to get to a certain point. But it's very complicated. Right.

Are they kidding to all of it? Do you feel like are they seeing everything, your audience? No, I don't think so. But, you know, it takes one. I remember I was doing shows in New Jersey a few years ago, and I tried a joke on stage.

and the girl in the front row went, I saw that on Twitter today. And I was like, yeah, that's, I tweeted it today. Sorry. I didn't think, did anyone else see it on Twitter? That's what I thought. Like, did you have to yell that? So then that kind of got in my head forever. Even your special, I, you know, I'm new to it. My special was HBO and it was years ago during Just Shoot Me. And then I did, uh,

one on comedy central that was sort of in the witness protection program no one saw dana kept trying to see i tried to see it i couldn't yeah i just couldn't online he's like and then i gotta join then i have to comedy central's the worst go through paramount plus they suck they suck dude so let's shit on them i'm not gonna let her all right that was fucking comedy central that's so hacky i think their youtube was doing well for some people for a little while but now i'm like what do you

But yeah, the people's old specials getting like tied up by them and no one being able to see them sucks. Yeah, and that was hard for me because I go, I would almost use that material again because literally it was a waste. So I finally did a Netflix one. By the way, they weren't clamoring for mine. It was just like back then it was right when they started to bid on them. So we had a bid and they didn't answer for a week. We said, okay, let's just do it. Let's just get out of the way because I had a window to do it. And then this one was fun. And when it aired,

They reminded me. Now you, it airs tomorrow. So when you're in Texas this week, you're doing a new special, right? I'm like, oh yeah. I didn't even really think ahead like that. Who said that to you? It was managers and also comedians asked me. Because my agents were like, yeah, I feel like comedians are more like, yeah, so you need a new hour. My reps were like, you can do like half and half. Yeah.

And I was like, no, you can't. Not anymore. Like when we filmed it, I started doing half and half in those like few months before it aired. Yeah. And then when it aired, I was doing a new hour. It's so hard. Because the fans would yell out or something or not be delighted to hear it again. No, I probably could have. I know. No one really gives a fuck. Because I was asking. Sometimes they like to hear the ones that they've. I never know what the hard rule is. I know what people say.

And then the argument of like, when I see a band, they better not sing one fucking new song. I mean, when I see, I just saw the Doobie Brothers and it was like fucking new song. Here's our new song. And they had a bad case of the new songs. They did three new songs in a row. I went to 7-Eleven. I go, I have three songs? I left. Yeah, I had tons of stuff. They're playing the old ones in the 7-Eleven. No, I got an Abba Zabba.

And a magazine. Remember Dennis Miller's bit about Big Gold? Yeah, he did. 32 ounces of soda. What kind of human being needs that much liquid, okay? Somebody who just stepped off the surface of the sun. I parked my jet skis in there. Yeah. Did you, when you went back on the road right after it aired, did you ask the crowd who watched it? I did that. No, I didn't make, that feels like a mistake because then I get scared and go,

Oh, well, I was doing a new hour, but I did. So I said, who watched the special? And it wasn't everybody. And I said, who hasn't watched the special? Because they had tickets to this because they bought that before they knew. And a lot of people cheered. And I said, OK, well, go home and watch it, please, because these are new jokes. Don't forget. Go watch. Yeah. My fear is that because I am not very famous, that people are not going to come back if I

put out a special and then they come see me and it's the same material my fear is that they're gonna we'll just wait for it to come out but have you ever seen someone with your friends and you go like when i go to the store i stop by and i'm with a buddy i go oh because everyone's good pretty much you know so like if taylor was on or sebastian or someone i go oh watch and i go oh she didn't do that one you know and you go i want them to see this joke i like of yours or something and you

But at the store, you're also knowing there's other comics watching. It's hard to really, it's really hard to even just work out there. Oh my God, you can't. I feel like I can't. People are watching and you go, this is not the place. I don't like it. No, it's a competition. Because you don't want to bomb and then have people go. I'm more like you, Taylor. I don't like to hang out. I was always, first thing Jay Leno said, because my son was trying to do stand-up, he goes, get him away from the comedians. You know, don't hang out, you know. Yeah. It's a dead end street because you get in love with just hanging out. Yeah.

But, you know, this happens when you're writing comedy. You'll do a bit, you shoot the special, and then you think of something that goes right with that. So you expand it. Yeah. And so then you- Yeah, there's your problem. You know? Yeah. Your bit's bigger and fatter. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. And you still want to do it. And you're like, but the germ of it was on there, but it was undercooked. Now it's better. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll be honest. I just don't work that hard. And if they get quiet or don't really laugh, I just, I'm getting paid, right? You know what's good? It's good to get mad at the audience a lot. I tell them they're wrong. They go, this is your fault. Yeah. This is your energy. I'm their therapist. I said, where do you think you were wrong during this hour? Why do you think you're not laughing? Toyota's national sales event is happening now, meaning it's a great time for a great deal on a dependable Toyota truck.

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I know. And it's not learning a language when you're older, you know, over the age of 20 is difficult. You know, I mean, all the high school Spanish I took a grade school Spanish, you know, all I can say is Ola and hasta luego. So it goes out of your head. So now you have Rosetta stone, David, tell them about it. Well, Dana, you know, more than anyone trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages. Uh, I mean, my gosh, uh,

They have Spanish, French, Italian, German. I don't think you can throw them a curveball. I think they're going to know. What don't they have? The language you want. Yeah. And immerses you in many ways. There's no English translations. You know what I'm saying?

I know no English. You need a Rosetta Stone for English. No English translation, so you really learn to speak and listen and think in that language. That's the whole idea of Rosetta Stone is that it sticks to your head. It sticks to your brain. I learned German out of a book. It just doesn't stick as hard, so this is the way to do it. Designed for long-term retention.

There's a true accent feature. It gives you feedback on your pronunciation. Yes. And of course, there's desktop app options. There's an audio companion and ability to download lessons offline. Yeah, so that's great. Lifetime access to all 25 language courses Rosetta Stone offers for 50% off. A steal! And I do think that the off-label thing that... I'm ad-libbing now, going off script.

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Do you think because of this time with us that maybe you would try to get on Saturday Night Live? Because we have connections. Yeah, now I'm going to. Yeah, that's why I'm here. I forgot about Update, though, because when I was there, I should have fought for Update. I didn't. Yeah, you'd be perfect. I was more built for Update. I would try to always get on Update. But Dennis was there and then Kevin Neal and they were good. And then, you know, when I guess Norm came on. Do you feel like if you got on it, you know, like now, you'd be like a Pete Davidson type?

Where they put you on update and you just blow up being like the young guy on update. I don't know. This is a brand new world. It's a new world, yeah. Where Pete got bigger than the show in a way. Right. Because for all the different reasons, you just become a global star. And once you're in that tabloid world, you just, you know, because fame is an end in itself. I mean, you can monetize fame like nobody's business now. Get really, really famous and monetize it. Yeah.

Yeah. But yeah, back then, fame didn't. You could sell a clothing line. Yeah, you could do that. You're big enough. I don't think I could. Taylor shoes. I don't think I could. Taylor clothes. Isn't there Taylor and Taylor? Do you have merch? I love hearing about merch. I have merch. You have merch? I have merch. Why is it all like, I don't know. I was like, I don't really need merch. And everyone's like, you do. And I was like, okay. Do you have catchphrases on it? No, not now. No, I don't think I ever really did. I have very simple merch now. It just says there was some new stuff?

It's like I have, same topics, new jokes. I have just like my production company logo is like a little leather jacket. So who's minding your production? Do you have a business manager at Taylor? Yes. Are you saving money? Yes. Good. How rich you are? How rich are you? Because we'll tell you because we know. How rich?

I looked up here. Look, I drove up to your house. I'm not this rich. That's for goddamn sure. Like on Celebrity Net Worth, what would it say? I don't know. Should we Google it? Now, they put you at $3,800. And I was like, Spade's got more money than $3,800. No, it's $1,000. When you go, I have merch and I don't sell on the road. I'm too embarrassed. I don't know what to do. What's your merch? I'm scared. Does it have catchphrases on it? Next question.

Why don't you do Fly on the Wall? What decade are the catchphrases from? Not this one. Hey, buddy. No, you know what? My plan is to have a good movie that works every decade for a new crowd. So I did Tommy Boy. I did Joe Dirt. And then I did Wrong Missy.

No, I did Grown Ups and Wrong Misty. So all you need is four. And so you have t-shirts. It buys you another 10 years and then everyone forgets about you. Oh, you got another one. You've been in what? 20 movies and two long running series. Oh, that's it. And then I did two years on Eight Simple Rules.

And then two years on that and five years on SNL. Good Lord, what a resume. Still broke. And you're going on the road. I'm getting nervous. I'm on the road, busting my head. Add dates. New show. But that's the tricky thing is you're already burnt out looking at your schedule and you get it just perfectly where you go, I can handle that. And then when you add a date, it seems like a new thing, not part of that thing. You go, well, that's flattering. They're going to add a show. I'm just doing one right now.

Add here, add here, add here. And I go, wait a second. Yeah. I'm going to get there and fuck you guys. So I predict. Yes. I predict right now, no pressure, that Taylor is going to make the leap within the next few years to.

Arenas. I'd say movies. We'll see. Because stand-up is sort of a means also to do movies. She's got the looks for movies. Yeah. You got a nice face for the lens, kid. No, but you could... Baby face. That is a hard thing because in my day... In my day. My day, we didn't have Netflix specials. But you would be... It was...

The juxtaposition, I don't think that's a word, but it was, it is now. It was to stay in town to audition, but also to go on the road to make any money. Right. And to stay in town to audition, you can do it on, you know, Zoom and send in auditions now, but it was always stay in town and then you couldn't make any money. And then I'd fly back. I had a two week gig when I was an early standup for maybe 500 a week in Hawaii and

So it was going to be a good trip and 500 a week was pretty juicy. So I said, oh, and then I had a third callback for In Living Color. And I was so new and I'm like, I'm not right for this show. I'm telling you. I'm not super character. And I think I had to stay. And I go, I told Hawaii, I'm just going to miss Monday and Tuesday and I'll come Wednesday. They go, nope. I missed the whole two weeks ago. Now we'll get someone else. So I go in there and bomb my audition. I'm like, good luck.

Jim Carrey? Well, one of us is going to get this. Oh, my God. Oh, he's Jim Carrey. Just give it to Jim Carrey. I know. I just walk in and go, God damn it. Jim Carrey auditioned for SNL when I did, and he put his foot behind his neck, and he danced and turned into an orangutan, and he's doing all these impressions. I mean, it was like, give it to that guy. He does that on his OnlyFans. No, we're picking you. Really? Anyways.

He did all right. Let's let Taylor go. No, we're halfway done. I know it sounds weird, but they probably didn't tell you. It's a three-hour podcast. We have all this candy and stuff for you because we just got that in the mail. Oh, is this for me?

Well, you get one of them. Well, thank you for being our youngest guest. To get basketball, you get one of them. Funny and charming. This is just my own personal review. I just put nice on the top, but with some... It's a single sheet of paper from a yellow legal pad. This is Dana's deep dive. With my name with a star by it. My...

This is how I do my notes. I need to, I can't do it like him on a word processor. I like to have it just rumble. You see the arrows? Old school. It just says dead mom bipolar. Yes. No, it doesn't. It does. Oh my God.

"Dead Mom Bipolar Jokes." 'Cause I was like, who lands those jokes? Yeah, that is so funny. And we got into it. Yeah, Comedy 16 with an arrow. Yeah, Comedy 16. 'Cause that's important to hit. You can take this if you want. I would love to take that. Is she still 16? Yeah, will you sign it for me? Taylor Thomas, yeah. I'm gonna sell it. God, no. But I watched your shows. Like David won't watch anything. Oh, that's so nice. He just looks at the Wikipedia. What I like to do is eat and then take a nap.

And have a protein bar. I have one ready because we're leaving. I had one during the podcast. Well, we covered every possible thing about SNL we could today. And we learned a lot about SNL. You've been our youngest and most popular guest with our younger audience. We're going to bring in a whole new world. We learned about hashtags. We learned about tagging people. We learned about all the stuff we need to know about. And you learned a lot about us with our over-talking and...

On the way here, she's frantically going, which one's which? Who's done what? Tell me. I'm almost there. It'll be on my phone? Okay. I'll check the phone. I won't figure it out while we're doing it. What if I don't? What did he do again? Some kind of lady character? One guy talks like a girl. No, he's a lady. What is it? You're cutting out. All right. Thank you, Taylor. Thank you for having me. Yes. Thank you, Taylor Tomlinson. I need a head start, and then you leave.

This has been a podcast presentation of Cadence 13. Please listen, then rate, review, and follow all episodes. Available now for free wherever you get your podcasts. No joke, folks. Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13, executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13, and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman with production and engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.