Superfly #38 - Jumbo Pretzels
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They're doing some aging stuff and gives me a dimple and a thing.

And then they slap me in the ass. Get out there. They give me some french fries. They get me in a headlock and really drop kick me to the stage. They're really strong. They give you a shot of adrenaline like Pink Floyd. Get out there, kid. You're like, oh. Let's get into it. We're on Superfly with Dana, and we're going to start with New York City. And I am in New York City. So if you hear a siren, don't think it's some Spades location.

I do go to the Saturday Night Live parties and I always go, well, I'll leave at 3:00 AM. It's freaky that you get a second wind. You get up maybe at eight or nine and then you go all the way to 1:00 AM for the good nights, fluffed and folded. Why are you going? Are we going? The death of an episode of Saturday Night Live is if people ask, where is the party too early?

like it's six o'clock in the hour you know it's like 6 p.m where's the party tonight means they're not focused oh but anyway i go and i eventually end up with lorne and we're there together so basically i get into the bed at the hotel i look at my phone it says 5 30 a.m and then i turn the light out and i'm not a night owl i go to bed at 9 00 a.m you're a baller dude that's crazy because you know

I used to do the SNL parties, and now if something's at 11, I'm like, how in God's green earth, if it's not New Year's Eve, how do you get up the gumption to stay up till 11? If there's nothing energetically happening and you're just sitting around, it's hard. But if there's something going on, you're out. Then you stay up. A lot of young people. Yeah, the party, they're pretty intense. There's a lot, a lot of people there, and I got to hang out with Stevie Nicks, who couldn't have been more adorable.

- Oh, for sure. - You know. - Legend. - Ariana Grande was definitely relieved after the show. The show was, she did a great show. She can kind of do anything. - I have to say, she is hilarious. She's great. I think I wanted to tell her if I ever saw her. Just the last time I saw her on the show, her impressions were great. When she would sing a bunch of different people and then she's funny. She did a Jennifer Lawrence last time that was funny. So I didn't see all her sketches, but the ones I saw, she is just,

She's a great job. Powerhouse. Real pistol. She's a pistol. And then she's one of those people you go, what can't she do? She was there with a friend and I said,

"She kind of does everything right." I go, "Can she dance?" And he goes, "Oh yeah, she can dance. "She can sing, she can dance, does comedy impressions." So that was really fun. And I was talking to a woman at the party. You know, you get whipped around. - By the way, she's a twig too, by the way, in real life. She weighs 66. She's tiny. - Yes.

And it's so funny. She's such a powerhouse. She wasn't tired. I think people get on her about being thin. She didn't look tired. She's energetic. She gives it in every sketch. There's absolutely no complaints. No, she's just the size person she is. And it works for her. She has...

Really funny energy. I saw her walking down the hallway in the costume for the castra castra thing that she was playing a boy who was castrated. Yeah, they're like that one. And when I saw the costume just walking down casually, it's just funny. I said, OK, this is going to work.

Sometimes you have to see. - So you met a woman, I'm sorry, I interrupted you, go ahead. - Oh no, I was just talking to a woman. You turn and then there's somebody, "Oh, hey," and it was her mom. And I go, "Oh, that's cool." Does the apple fall very far from the tree? And she goes, "I'm an engineer." - Okay. - So she just went off and did her own thing. Not a full nepo baby.

No, she's just, what can I say? I mean, good Lord. That's why, long story short, I put on lipstick and a dress and a wig and a sketch about Jennifer Coolidge. They threw it at me Thursday night and I just thought,

In my age group, I never really was in drag because church ladies, whatever you think she is, there's no lipstick. There's no. But then they explained to me that the character, it was like a Snow White thing or something that

"My Jennifer Coolidge has been trapped in the mirror for hundreds of years," Chloe told me. Yeah, and you look the closest to 200. So when I came out-- But I think we have a-- This is-- I had a lot of guests backstage, and Lovitz was one of them, so he took a video of me, which I posted, but I think it's funny to talk about because-- Oh, he took that? Yeah, and I'm just trying to get through the thing. Here we go. I'm trying to rehearse it. Yeah, let's play it. ...mouth magic.

I love it. Look at the boots. The shoes on. Yeah, exactly. Just learning. Continue. I love it. This is solid BTS. You got your down jacket. But you're literally saying it in your head out loud, kind of.

Yeah, I'm just trying to because between Dress in Air, for time, they had to remove about four beats. One was we eat corn. It was a lot wilder, but it was amazing. Oh, like this? Yeah, yeah. It's just a non sequitur. Hey, wow, let's eat some corn. They suddenly have corn. Can I have your corn? It was kind of an acidy, esoteric sketch. I still don't quite understand it, but that was fun. Yeah.

Should I tell you a few things about living in New York or do you want to respond? You have any questions? No, I'm saying they could probably do that sketch again because it's sort of a good trick. You've got to

host mimicking this cast member, which is a good fun thing for the host. And then that side mirror kind of makes sense. Doesn't a thousand percent, but it's funny. It makes enough sense till we get it. And then it's just three people. Now it's just funny, three people trying to act the same and lip sync to what they're saying. And of course, get it wrong. It's funny. And then I guess it's maybe other people are more aware, but I was casually aware that lipstick commercials

do have long phrases. Maybelline's lip, lip, lip, color, color, lip, special lip, lip. So that was something that I think that our Heather would understand. The day and night out in the town, go with your first date lipstick. Yeah. With the lip, lip, lippity, lip, lip, lip, lip, color, color, color. All right. Casual observation about New York City. First of all, it's like

Being in Midtown, walking around, it's like being in Disneyland on a Saturday during a holiday. I mean, it's literally that packed. And now they have people on bikes and bike lanes called Citibank bikes. And they're going 40 miles per hour. So you're just looking for cars, but there's separate lanes. You know, got it. On your right. Oh, yeah. On your left. Totally. And then, you know, I go to the pharmacy and it's got all this stuff. It's got a little grocery store.

And you go in and there's a six foot eight guy with a with a flak jacket and an Uzi just very serious with combat boots. It's over by the ATM looking around. You know, it's just not quite like a good guy or bad guy. He's a good guy. Good guy. Good guy. A guy who just said good guy. Not here. He's a guy who just says not here. Not here. Not now. Not on my turf. But, you know.

If you live up in maybe Idaho or something, you may not get as much of that. Right. I mean, you see there's... I mean, I was just watching our local news and I'm like, this should be a crime show because it should be the crime channel. Every other story is like, another smash and grab. Another ATM was ripped out through the fucking fireplace of someone's house. They're just showing people ripping out ATMs with trucks. And everyone's like, and they warned the 7-Eleven. You should probably...

Lock them down better. It's never about don't steal it. It's about how can we hide it, trick people into not stealing it. Totally. Oh, yeah. The shelves are bare, really, basically. I mean, you know, you have to get a key to get in to get lotion and stuff.

Can I get some rubbers on aisle eight? It's so embarrassing. Yeah, and it's a little bit like my doctor nurse. It's like, oh, you want to do what? Well, I'd like to get some vitamin C. That's under lock and key. I'm going to have to get the manager. Let me call corporate. But by the way- Are you for sure going to buy it?

By the way, and guess what? Yeah, I know, right. They are paranoid. So even the flak jacket guy is looking at me. I've got a puffy jacket on, you know, baseball, black baseball cap. So he doesn't know. So I'm walking toward him. He's standing right next to the ATM. And I kind of whip out my wallet.

And the second time I did it, I kind of did it very carefully. Like, here's the wallet. Well, my hand's in my pocket. And then there's a... He's looking right there. Yeah, you don't know if it's like, stick them up. You don't want to get gunned down. I've been very busy out here in a way. I mean, I could have a boozy lunch or a boozy dinner with some friend every day. Oh, I knew it. I'm like, New York fun and you're on the show and...

There's a host, there's cast, there's friends that are visiting. You saw Lovitz. Hello? Hello. Lovitz must have been like, I'm available for sketches. Oh, he was there the whole time. He's like, I'm only going for the dress show because I have to do something tomorrow. And then he says, oh, I'll stay for the air show.

Then he stays for the air show. I'm not going to the party. I have something I have to do tomorrow. Next thing you know, he's at the party. It's 3.30 in the morning. Of course. I should go.

but I'm not jealous. I'm not going to sit with you and Lauren. Scooch. Scooch away. Well, I mean, I like the fact that you're like at 3 a.m. going, should I call it quits early? But that's true, I guess. It shows that one, you're high on adrenaline. The adrenaline kind of goes away though because you're like, blah, blah. Once you get in that elevator, you go down, you get in limo, just on the way to the party, you start to go, oh, fuck. Like it's,

it's dissipating and then you get the party. Yeah. And they come up, what do you want to eat immediately? I know it's, Oh, you get to eat too, but you're starving. You're kind of starving. And then, uh,

You know, the next day you pay for staying up till 5.30. You know? Hmm. You're like... Do they move it every week like they used to do? Yeah. Every place is different. This was at Saks Fifth Avenue, a restaurant inside. Oh, I like that one. La Avenue? I like that one. They're all... I had my birthday there.

They're all beautiful. Another casual observation that people that know I'm not normally recognized anywhere, but I have the hat on the vest around my neck. I've got a phone up like this. I'm looking down and I'm going full tilt, walking as fast as I can. Another guy comes same way, does walking super fast, goes.

Like you on SNL. And then, pew, that's it. Yeah. Dan Barney. All they're seeing is this. Like you on SNL. And also, finally, it's very sweet. Doorman, people work at the hotel. If I give them 10 seconds of Biden...

They laugh so hard for nothing. Come on, I got to get out of here and go find a taxi. You get your facts right, Jack. And guess what? And by the way, they're like, hey, thank you, Mr. Carvey. Thank you for that, Mr. Carvey. You do that service. You do a service. Yeah, we like laughing over shit. We love what you're doing on that show you're doing over there with that guy. You've been a cast member now 58 years. No, no, I went away.

Oh, yeah. I don't see it too much. Hey, I stopped watching when Bill Murray left, you know. Yeah. He's still doing Landshark. Yeah. Am I still doing Landshark? No, that was someone else and that was 500 years ago. You know, the last really good season was Billy Crystal, Mont Short, Christopher. You know, everyone's last before it sucked. And then it is and some bad years and stuff, you know, but, you know, your era. A safe answer about as you go.

Sucks now. That's just an easy one to start with. And you go, actually, there's some fun stuff. Most of the comments are, the last time Saturday Night Live was funny. If I look at an article online, it was, you know, 81 or 86 or 90, but nothing in the last 20 years. SNL hasn't been funny in a birdie. I always say there's always...

a sketch or two that's funny every week and it's kind of always been that way there's it's overall maybe it's been better worse but you hit a few home runs and then a lot of them clank but that's just the way it is

Yeah, I go by Lauren's assessment, which is that whatever age you are, that you find music, you never forget it. What age you are when you first see people acting ridiculous at 1130 at night, then you never forget your cast. Like seventh grade through high school is like a good chunk when you watch and it's sort of getting away with something that's kind of dirty. Kind of nasty. All right, I'll tell you about my stupid weekend. Okay, what happened? I heard good things. I'll just say that.

Oh, right. Did the special. That was in Denver. Two shows. Encore for the first show. Did you come back out? What's up? They did stand up. I came out and took a photo. I should show you. I don't think I'm allowed to. I'll show it next week if I can. Standing O. Who cares? But standing, well, whatever. That's good. But I think there's also, it's like a favor. They're like, we're on camera. I feel like this is the time we should stand up. But it was a good set. I will say Denver has good crowds. And I knew that.

'cause I always played comedy works there. So two shows in one night is tough. Gervitz, of course, our manager, was like this on the couch in between. He had a huge pretzel. I should show a picture. He has a pretzel the size of a steering wheel of a semi-truck. And it's rotated on a platter and it's upright like a Ferris wheel.

I might be able to put the clip into YouTube, but it's so funny. They go, we're having dinner. He goes, we're going to Yard House? Someone's out of cash. I go, no, I just want to go to Yard House because it's connected basically to the theater. I don't mind Yard House, by the way, but I fake him and hot. I go, I got to go there. Meanwhile, I love it. You want it convenient, and I'm sure it's great. Yeah, easy, and it's not stuffy. I can always tell on the road. I don't want to go to a place that has like,

you know, squid and octopi. You know, you're just like, I just want something normal. So I eat some stuff and he goes, I'm just going to get a pretzel. And then they bring it. It's like, they think he's seven. They bring it like on a fishing line. Like, here's your pretzel. It's like a huge pretzel. And I'm like, that's not for, and he goes, that's mine. And I'm like,

You got a pretzel on a fishing rod? And then they bring it over and he's like, ha, ha, ha. I go, God damn. And then of course, because he's carved out. He's like a little monkey person. He goes, I'll eat it like a sandwich. It's huge. Anyway, I go, Mark, I don't know if you should have 10,000 carbs right now. So we talk about this special. I go in, I do it, and then between.

between shows alex is back there we're just like redoing my set list and switching stuff around just the second show you get to do whatever you want yeah but in between it's like this

I'm going to see Dana tomorrow. Oh, you're going to see Dana? Just rat-a-tat-tat with the clients? Hop stone to stone? Don't get your feet wet. I click all the boxes. Then I get back to my mansion. I said I did it. I saw your special. I saw Dana. Back to the mansion. Look at my dog. He jumped in the pool. Did I show you the video? I'll get you a dog if you want. You know, as far as restaurants, just for a second, I went to this steakhouse for a charity. And...

we got like 10 compliments of the chef. You ordered tons of food, all your entrees, salmon or pasta, whatever. And then compliments of the chef kept coming. It's calamari. Oh, they give you a freebie. Compliments of the chef. So then we ordered a dessert. So everyone would get one spoonful compliments of the chef. It was like some, a village of desserts. It had platforms that were elevated. It was a million calories compliments of the chef. How do you, how do you go? You don't even need to order anything.

yeah tell that chef to go shove it up his ass yeah i mean i made a little card i am i made a little card out of pencil it just said thanks but no thanks when they try to get with more compliments of the chef compliments of the chef it's very nice but two people were hospitalized for stomach problems yeah because of oversaturation i go there and they go uh you can always tell they're going to send you something they go

"Any allergies? "Allergic to anything?" And I go, "No." And they bring me a big penicillin cake. I go, "Well,

I don't love penicillin. I'm not allergic to it, but I'll eat it. So they give me that. And then they also go, they always have someone stop by your table. It's like a free card. How's it going over here? You guys good? You need anything? I'm the regional VP of this quadrant of the back of the daytime. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. But you never need anything. And it's like, no. And then if you ever do, the guy goes, I'm the CEO of all the yard houses in history. Just want to stop by if you need anything. I go, you got any A1? And they're like,

- No, we were interrupted so much that I nicknamed the restaurant Interrupto. Welcome to Interrupto.

- We're trying to have a conversation. These people, me and Robert Smago, were auctioned off as have a dinner date with us right in the middle of Wayne's World. - Oh, and that's your auction dinner? - Yeah, and they're very super nice people. It was really fun, but in a rub though, they're like, "Is everything okay?" And the order, they go, "Well, we have a great fish." I go, "Is it the head and the tail too?" "Oh yes, it's the head and the tail, but we filet it." So they show the fish,

And it was wrapped up in a blanket. Was it like, was that a morgue or something? I felt bad for it. How sickening. I know. I don't like. No, we come to your table. We smash the head with our mallet. First, we show you the head. Then we show you with the tail. And then we go backstage at Interrupto and do the magic. And then you get filet. At Interrupto.

Oh, God. Every time you do a punchline, you go, and then the third guy says, and someone goes, you guys doing okay over here? Is everything all right? Can I get you anything? Yes. And so I met my wife, and the reason we decided to get married, can we help you with anything? You need more water? Hey, fuck you, interrupto. Your water's down a quarter inch. I go, I don't want to leave with a full water. How about that? Like, I'll get it to the bottom, and then we'll leave. You don't have to go, I go, okay.

I go, don't top me up. It's okay. Anyway, interrupto. But we sound like the biggest ingrates. But the truth is you don't really need to order anything. You just get some potato skins and the rest they just bring out. We understand. I always say this. First world problem. But it is funny because we were trying to talk and it was interruptos. I won't say the name of the restaurant because they were great. I mean, they were just- I'd rather eat at interruptos. So then I go to Kansas City the next night

and I hung out with Mahomes all night. - That's cool. - Yeah, Jackson Mahomes. Anyway- - Oh, I thought it was Patrick Mahomes. - No, it's his brother. - Can we get a rim shot? - And Kelsey, Steve Kelsey, a guy went to my high school. - Oh, I see, yeah. - Yeah, that's the joke. But Jackson Mahomes is, yeah. - I was hanging out with Bill Streisand, her younger brother. - There you go. - Bill Streisand. He was terrific. - So what would you do, Dana? I'm in the middle of my act.

I'm doing this thing about a dog. I don't want to give it away. It's so funny. It's not really dirty, but some of my stuff is for adults. Adult. Yes. Yeah. And I'm in the middle of my act and I do this thing where I kind of act it out and I turn around. Front row, I see this guy, it looks like with really long hair like this and an empty seat next to him. I'm like...

curious, piqued my interest. But you can't look at someone for more than a second because you forget your act, you know how it is. So I go, I gotta go back to that guy. So I start something else, I look back. And while they're laughing uproariously for about 20 to 40 seconds, minutes, I look over and he doesn't have long hair. He's with a girl. I'm like, is that his wife? No, it's a seven-year-old girl with long hair. It's his daughter. And I'm like, and it throws me. And so I kind of pause and

And I think, "Was this guy a coyote from the border? He's bringing kids in?" You know, I just thought, "What's going on here?" So I go, "Hey, man.

Is that a coyote from the border? You know coyotes bring these muggles. I understood. It's kind of a dark thing in a comedy show. He's sex trafficking. I just didn't know. Dana, I just didn't know. I know. But you're trying to do your act. Could have been anything. Now you're thinking about sex trafficking. Yeah, I think there's a coyote here. So I go, hey, man. Oh, who's that? And he goes, oh, this is my daughter. Nonchalant. I go, how old are you, hon? She goes, seven. You're in the front row. I go, you got pretty good seats.

I go, who's your daughter? Meghan Markle? Jesus. She's got some money. Well, wait a minute. What happens? I'm like, I think that my show is for 16 or 18 and under, but I found out it doesn't say that. Up. 18 and up. Yeah, yeah. But I found out it's for all ages. Now, that's Nate Bergazzi's gig.

he's got a clean act, like, you know. Totally clean. It's squeaky. But mine is a little rougher on the edges, nothing too horrible, but enough to where I don't want to say it to a seven-year-old. So I said, oh, and then I got her name. Then I kept referring back to her. And I even talked about porn at the end. And I go, hey, I go something like, it's getting...

Are you finding-- Are you people finding it's hard-- It's getting harder to watch porn on an airplane?" And then I look over and I go, "Like, hey, maybe take her to get some popcorn." Guy's like, "Couldn't care less." And I'm like, "I can't change my act for 2,000 people when there's one, you know? I don't know what to do." What's the rawest thing that you had to do in front of the seven-year-old girl? -I shouldn't say. I don't know. -Fake fellatio.

"Gah, gah." No, I just-- There's some stuff I do talk about adult-- - What'd you do? - I do talk about adult films. But she was fine. And then afterwards, you know, people wait by your car to sign Funkos and whatever. So I go say hi to some people and I start to get in the car. "Can we get a picture?" And I'm already in the car. I roll down. No, I don't roll down. I see the guy and the daughter.

The guy and the daughter. So I wrote it down. I get a picture with her because I thought this is just a funny story. I don't know. And I thought...

I've had it and I make my whole show about the kid. It was a boy recently and he's in the front row with his dad and he's like seven or eight and I just keep referring to him. I get his name. It becomes part of the show. It is funny to do that, but seven, I thought if she was like 12 or 14, they'd think it was funny. But the kid doesn't even know him on stage. No, it's kind of tricky. Was that your first or second show?

That was my-- No, that was the next night in Kansas City. Oh, you weren't taping. Okay, all right. No, I didn't. And taping, I don't know if I would have gone on such a tangent, you know?

Uh, but at Kansas city, I said, oh, she thinks I'm Taylor Swift anyway. So she walked out of there going, Taylor Swift was there. Um, and quickly I have a question. You have a goatee. And she thought, so she might've been more like four daddy. He likes it. She saw blonde hair. Yeah. He liked Taylor Swift. Daddy.

Yeah, he got he got fuzzies, fuzzies on face, daddy. Taylor Swift. She went to Taylor Swift tonight. How was she? She was a little dirty. Yeah, she said she say naughty words. Me cry on my home. And now a word from our sponsors at Betterment. Do you want your money to be motivated? Do you want your money to rise and grind? Do you think your money should get up and work?

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Here's my question. Flying home is the last question, then we'll get to all the hot. Oh, we got hot topics. Good Lord. No, but we'll say that. So when I'm flying home, I had three seats in coach. All three of us were in coach, right? So what are the man of the people? So what are the rules of etiquette when you see people

walk up to first class to use the bathroom. Now, I know you're not allowed to stop them, but legally, are you allowed to go up there and take a shit? It sounds gross, but I'm just thinking, that's pushing it.

Well, wait, but did I get this right? You have three seats in coach. Is that right? Did I get that wrong? Yeah, there's three of us. Did I get that right? I'm reading this. I'm reading this. This is your words. You are, your words, not mine. You are a very successful international standup and yet you fly coach because of issues with your orthopedic structure or for what reason? Because why? Why?

Why? It doesn't make sense to the American people. Also, you like to sit straight up anyway. You don't need a lounger. Well, also I have people with me and sometimes I'd rather sit and coach with my buddies than sit with someone next to me and first that I don't know. And I just, it doesn't matter. Right, I know. I have TVs on the back. I just stare at the TV like a two-year-old and so I'm happy. So did you, did you...

Did you and yourself as a coach passenger, your words, not mine, go to the first class bathroom and unload a small horse into the latrine? No, a latrine.

I, there was a guy next to me coughing the whole time. Now, not only coughing, but grotesquely sniffing up the bugs, but every 30 seconds on cue. And I was like, I couldn't deal with it. He could not give a fat fuck. He's like this. He didn't look over and go, he just goes.

Couldn't care. Next to him is a college guy, head on his laptop and the girlfriend rubbing his back. I think he's hung over. He gets up and goes to the back. I go pee later, mostly just to stand up. He's in there minimum 15 minutes, min. And I'm like this. And I asked, flight attendants are always nice to me. So I'm like, what's going on? She's like, I think-

I go, "Oh no." So he's puking, comes out. I let someone else go to soak the fumes into their clothes of the puke. - Sounds delightful. - Then he goes in the front and I go to my buddy Bobby, I go, "Hey,

I think this dude that was sitting here is sick. He goes, yeah, now he went up to the front to puke. To puke up there. To balance the plane out. In first. It's so much barf, it would affect the trajectory of the jet. So the flight attendant said, could you load it up front? Even it out. Just so the plane flies back there. Four up there. Then he goes back to the back again.

I'm like, "We're gonna have to land. Don't get on the plane if you're this fucking out of it." Like, this guy's obviously got the flu or diphtheria, and then the guy next to him is a college kid barfing. So, not as fun in coach as we all would've thought. And that's it. I get all kinds of things. You ever got a throat-clear guy? -A throat-- You ever got a throat-clearer? - Sick. - -Ugh. - -I hate it. Every ten seconds for seven hours. -

And that was the pilot. Take your throat back to the shop. It's not working. Something's wrong. Get a lozenge, gargle backstage, put a pillow over your head or shoot me in the fucking head because I can't take one more clearing. We're over Topeka. I'm such a dick about it. By the way, Coffee Sniffly is watching a video and it's...

Old SNL. Not even, not our era, but just old SNL sketches. I'm like, I just want him to know I'm mad at him and I used to be on SNL.

You gotta just start talking to your bandmates, your two friends really loud and just saying, "Chris Farley!" You know? "Me and Chris Farley." Dana Carvey. Dana Carvey. But I do, when I go on SNL, and they're very nice, the audience, when I come out, I feel like a ghost coming out of the mist.

I mean, if you don't listen to this podcast, you're like, where in the hell is this little baby face, nutball Ben all these years? And I'm like, here I come again. Come on now. Get your facts straight, Jack. So it's fun to do Biden. And I'm just still winding into it. I did it on this podcast, but not with the full regalia. So I've got new hooks for this show Saturday. Brand new Biden. Who's the host this week? Michael Keaton?

A man named Michael Keaton. Was he on our podcast? Yeah, he was. I know. Super nice guy. He's funny, dude. And funny. How long does your hair and makeup take for what, Biden?

Yeah. Heather, that's a question. It used to be to get a bald cap really on, done well with latex and all this stuff would take basically an hour. Now they have a pit stop like Indianapolis 500. They got five guys. And it's 15 minutes to put the bald cap on. And then the makeup is not much. I'm in a certain age group, but they're doing some aging stuff and gives me a dimple and a thing.

And then they slap me in the ass. Get out there. They give me some french fries, they get me in a headlock, and really drop kick me to the stage. They're really strong. They give you a shot of adrenaline like Pink Floyd. Get out there, kid. You're like, ugh.

The two superstar, I mean, the two heads are Louie with the bald cap and makeup, and then Jodi with her bandmates over on the other side. And the wig is delicately placed on my head. I tighten the tie or put it on, and I'm ready to go. Come on. And by the way, and guess what? The fact of the matter is, let me be clear.

I ran out of stuff to say. So anyway, I'm having fun. What else do we got? That's a half- First story. Here we go. First story. We got a big show. All right. We got a big show today. You've had a big show. You've had a big show and there's another one. Okay. Oh, I like this story. Read it. Actually, there's a follow-up. Kanye West.

allegedly told wife Bianca he wanted to have sex with her mom while she watched. This is a real no-no if you're married. This is a real no-no for a girlfriend. Well, I mean, to each his own and it happens a lot. It does? No. No. Cuckoo.

The funny thing is after this happened, a couple, I'm like, who's her mom? Like, of course, we barely know this young lady other than she wears, she's quite literally scantily clad.

I could safety say that, right? You seen her? If your boyfriend wants to put you in some kind of Falcon hoodie with a G-string and parade you down the streets of Rome, there's one word for that. Run! Yeah. But I love Kanye West. He's got you in C2. Can we have him on the podcast? I know, but I do. It's too late. Oh, it's too late.

He's got, he's walking and going, you like this shit? Huh? Cause she looks great. Anyway, a couple of days later, I'm reading the Daily Nailed or one of those places. Daily Nail. Crack cocaine for your brain.

"Frickin' Bianca's mom, Bianca's mom." She's out and about and she's struttin' and peacockin' like, "What?" Of course, she looks kinda cute and I'm like, "Oh, that's her mom." They're like, "This is the one Kanye's lusting over." They hype it up a little bit. And then she's like, "Huh?" Leaning over. "Little old me, why am I so great?"

Well, it's just funny. Can we have a picture of her? Try to pull one up if you see one. Where does that end? Just in a marriage? Hey, can I have sex with your cousin? Your brother's daughter? Could I have sex? I mean, it's just like, when does somebody say, shut the fuck up, you sicko? Yeah. Is anyone in your family tree technically available? Is there any boundaries? Okay, there she is. Look at her. What's going on? Check me out. Okay. Got the heels on the way to Ralph's. That's hilarious.

So anyway, that's a lot of work. Kanye's an attractive woman. She's got the Jackie O sunglasses, long blonde hair. She's decked out, a bracelet, you know. Feels like she's ready for a photo shoot around noon, but fine. So also...

The rumor on the story was he texted Bianca, is that her name? Bianchi? Bianca? And said, hey, I want to have sex with your mom. Her answer could have been a myriad of things. She could have started with, um, but instead she said, she's married. You know what? Since I deep dived on Daily Mail, I got a response to that, actually. I want to have sex with your mom. Her response was, again? Again?

Exclamation point. We've talked about this. No, she doesn't get offended. She's married. That's the reason why he can't. I think people do a lot of, you know, what's that song from the 1930s? No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Charlie Pryde, maybe?

I think so. One of my favorites was, you're having my baby. That wouldn't fly now in 2024. You're having my baby? Is it at least her baby or our baby? You're having my baby. Oh, actually, he goes, Frankie Valli? It says like,

No, it's not Neil Donovan. ♪ Havin' my bae ♪ ♪ What a lovely way of saying what you're thinking of me ♪ And he goes, "The seed inside you, the seed." How sickening. ♪ I see it growing ♪ ♪ Your seed is growing ♪ Yeah, he goes, ♪ I'm happy in knowing that you're havin' my bae ♪ But then she sings, ♪ I'm a woman in love ♪ But the best part is he casually goes,

"You didn't have to keep it." And you're listening going, he goes, "I wouldn't put you through it. You could have swept it from your life, but you wouldn't do it." He didn't say you couldn't do it. Really? He goes, "But you wouldn't do it. Now you have it, my babe." I'm like, is that real? Am I hearing this right? That sounds kind of-- That's real. Oh, wow. I thought it was the chorus was, "In case you forgot,

♪ You're having my baby ♪ ♪ If you ever can't remember ♪ ♪ You're having my baby ♪ ♪ I thought you were fat and getting fatter ♪ ♪ But then you showed me the sonogram ♪ ♪ But it doesn't matter ♪

Because you're having my baby. I know you might think that you're having your baby. Maybe you think you have an hour baby, but none of those are true because you're having my baby. It's a little chauvinistic, a little ego. It's interesting. You're right. I'm glad you brought it. Yeah. Okay. What's the next one? That was a great run. There's a clip. Patrick's going crazy. That's a good run. It's funny.

I guess so. I guess so. Horrifying video appears to show accused killer Sarah Boone laugh as boyfriend dies trapped in a suitcase. Feel good. Well, this is a story. It's been around for a while. Ed, did you hear about this? A woman, I guess. I'm probably wrong. They get drunk. They're fighting. She tells him to get in his suitcase, zips it up, leaves about this much of the zipper so his finger can stick out.

and then laughs at him and films it while he's like, "Hey, enough. It's hard to breathe in here." Right. And stays in there. And then she goes to bed. She laughs about it, filming, posts it, goes to bed, wakes up, "Oh, right. Where's the boyfriend? Oh, he's in the suitcase. Okay, fun's over." And then he's like this. So, it came up again because I think it's been about four years of this trial.

And she's like, you guys aren't still mad about this. Yes. And you're going to jail. Did she have a defense that she was drunk and didn't understand and fell asleep? Or is it, what is it? Oh, you were a lawyer? Well, I was a practicing lawyer before I got asked about it. I was a practicing lawyer. Who was it? Unfrozen caveman lawyer? Involuntary manslaughter, code one. Three to five, she served three. She's out in six months. But...

Here's your lawyer, Kim Kardashian. Yeah, so I don't know. So it's just so crazy that they have a video of her like talking to a suitcase. Yeah. And she's drinking wine going, what are you complaining about? Yeah, what's your problem? Oh, look at me. I'm in a suitcase and I can't breathe. Get the fuck out of here. That's her testimony. Are you tired? I'm tired. I'm going to go. You want to sleep here? You sleeping? Okay.

you'll sleep in the suitcase as more punishment. And then it's just hard to get out of that being guilty. Well, and also the whole industry rotated after that. They know that a lot of people were put in suitcases by loved ones and they couldn't get out. So now there's a interlocking thing where a zip door, the thing you can get out of suitcases. That was, you know, government. I think Biden's been, you gotta be able to get out of a suitcase. Come on. I took care of that. You got a zipper on the inside.

- Trump wants it as if it's on the outside. - Trump wants everything that's on the outside. I got to have Trump's image on his inside. - Every inside of the suitcase shall have Swiss Army Knife. - Oh yeah, there's a little, yeah, like the little corkscrew things coming through the suitcase. - Must not be the man in the suitcase.

All right. I like that. Note to self, if Paula wants to put me in a suitcase, make sure you've got the Biden-y one. Yeah. You got to get the Biden-y one. You got to get the Biden one. It's got a hatch. You can get out of that hatch with no problem. I don't like him as president, but I love him as a suitcase guy.

By the way, when people guess what we're doing, like if they think we're political, they always go, you did a joke about Biden, so you're for the other side. You did a joke about Trump. You can't say anything. The other day I said to someone, I go, oh, I just don't like these stores closing and that one closed because they had too many break-ins.

there's too much crime here and they go, oh, you got a, are you a chumper? Hey, you got a chumper here. I go, I can't even be against crime. It's immediately, whatever you're saying, they're waiting. What's that? Yeah. What's that? Yeah. Again. So you say, and they go, oh, okay. All right. Here's 7-Eleven. This, this is a sad story. This is sad. 7-Eleven is closing. I love 7-Eleven. Yeah. 400, more than 400 locations in, uh, here in, I guess, Canada. Uh, sad. Yeah.

I don't know why because we're talking, oh, it says due to slowing sales inflation, declining traffic. Declining traffic.

Declining sales, it's been selling the exact same for 200 years. My whole life, there's exactly the same amount of people in there. There's about six. Everyone's buying stuff. The question I have is the people who were going to 7-Eleven casually to get little things and stuff at night or whenever, where are they going now for that stuff? Right. What's the competitor? Amazon, instead of going to the store and-

DoorDash, Amazon? -Well, I mean, when you can order one paper towel on Amazon and it comes within an hour, it's hard to compete with that.

But it's wasteful. But I like to go to 7-Eleven. It's kind of fun. I don't mind it being a white trash can. It's kind of just all the grabby stuff you want to get. Want some chips, get a snow cone, get a hot dog, get water. But I was around in the 60s at a business symposium and the guy was starting 7-Eleven. And I said to him, 7-Eleven, eventually that's going to bite you in the ass. I say 8 a.m. to 12. Call it 8 to 12. And he didn't take my advice and now he's bankrupt.

I call it, I said you should call it 8:30ish to sundown. -Nope, didn't bite. - Didn't bite. Well, also, where am I going to get Christmas presents on Christmas Eve when I'm going to a party and I haven't gotten anything yet? I know, there's a little child section. You get a little plastic pony and give it to a sad kid. Yeah, it's a shame. Everything's closing. The kid's like, "Oh, thank you, Funyuns." All right, next one, I guess.

It's all sad stories, Dana. Is it? After Ariana Grande, it's all sad. There's another one. Here we go.

Okay, here's a child on a couch. This is a kid when he gets told Amari Cooper is on the Browns, the Cleveland Browns football. And they tell this kid who can't know anything about football, they tell him he just got traded. This would be my reaction. So today, Amari Cooper got traded. Was traded. It means that he's not on the Cleveland Browns anymore. This is me in fantasy football.

This is child abuse, letting your kid be a Browns fan. God damn. Okay. Cut it off. I didn't know he's crying this hard. Wait, it gets a little abusive. I would have just changed it out. I would have said, no, no, he's back. He just has a different number. Does the kid know what he looks like?

He doesn't know anything. If I play this kid in fantasy, which I probably do, because I try to play people I could beat, but it was a big shakeup in fantasy. It was, and it's emotional. This is kind of related to this. I knew a couple, no names, but they decided, okay,

This marriage isn't working. We're going to get divorced. Let's go in and tell the kids. And the kids are like six and eight or eight and ten, something like that. So they go, Mommy and Daddy, we've decided. So before they really...

got through it, the kids burst into tears violently and they said, "No!" - Of course. - They backed it out. "No, we're not getting a divorce!" Both of them said, "No, no!" When they saw their reaction, they said, "No!" - Of course, oh my God. - And then they stayed together. Isn't that funny? In the middle of it, we're thinking of maybe, "No!" - Of course, it's a worst nightmare for a kid. - Mm-hmm, yeah. - My parents got divorced when I was four, but I read about it in the paper. Anyway, Dana. - You were kind of a-- - No, no one briefed me. - Mm-hmm.

Just, "Where's daddy?" He went to the store. It's been four years. Do you think he'd be back by now? No, he's still looking around. He actually went away for a while. We were in Michigan and then he didn't come back for about a month or two. And so my mom put the house for sale and then he came back. "What are you doing? Why are you being so dramatic?" He's like, "We don't know if you're alive. We don't know what's going on." So he goes, "I got a job in Arizona."

And my mom's like, so we all moved to Arizona. And he gets there and he goes, surprise, no job. Then he left. And so now we're in Arizona. So now three kids, boys, not all assholes, but we were a handful. And then my mom's like, wait, what? So that's the way to break it to you. It's never even talked about. You just start to go.

Where was that one guy that used to pick me up a lot? Well, I mean, I used to do a bit. I wouldn't do it anymore. But trying to explain, explain to three year olds about mommy and daddy getting a divorce. Sometimes mommies like to go night time with a different daddy.

Mommy had too much Chardonnay and that turned Mommy into a whore. I think they should first get the kids in and tell them why Mommy and Daddy just don't have sex a lot anymore. Just tell the six and eight year old that just to see how they handle that. And they're like, okay, Mommy and Daddy used to just really nail it 24 hours a day. Now it's down to about once or twice a week and the kid's like,

but no divorce. They're like, no, it's like a first step. Anything that starts with mommy and daddy. Daddy likes to go night-night time with your preschool teacher. She likes daddy to spank her, even if she hasn't been naughty. Daddy texts mommy's mommy. Sorry. Dark humor. Whatever. Tragedy and comedy are just like this. No more. We can do more.

What's the newest DashPass annual plan benefit? Ah, that's what we're here to talk about. We're going to talk about it. Go ahead and start talking about it, David. I am right now. Watch this. Max is now included with your DashPass annual plan. You know what I mean? You can stream Max with ads. That's up to $120 value. Included at no extra cost. Terms apply. See doordash.com slash max for details.

Wow. Unlimited zero cost delivery fees on eligible orders. Members only exclusive offers or menu items. Yeah. You get, you get a lot of benefits when you do your DoorDash Pass annual plan. Yeah. By the way, what's your dream night in? What would you do? Um, I would say I would probably watch the Gilded Age on Max. It's new season with my wife.

And I would have a soda or a light beer and get a cheese pizza. Yeah. Okay. So I would watch. I was doing this last night watching The Penguin. And that's on Max. And when I order Dash Pass, Door Dash, I get, yeah, pizza's a favorite. And I get some diet drinks, no names.

And I get basically food that to stuff myself, maybe a burrito also. Yeah. Um, it's a guilty pleasure. It's a guilty pleasure. I mean, you could watch, um, the house of dragon and we're dash past order some sauteed dragon. Right. Yeah. That was a joke. Usually when you're in, that is a good time to order in. And so you can pair up stuff with your shows if that's fun. Uh,

There's no penguins out there to eat, but there's birds and chickens. Sign up for Dash Pass annual plan and get Max included at no extra cost. It's your door to more terms and conditions apply. Max is now included with your Dash Pass annual plan. Stream Max with ads up to $120 value included at no extra cost. Terms apply. See doordash.com slash max for details.

This was something from Bath and Body Works. Why did no one catch that this might look like the KKK? Wow, that is a blank. I mean, just off the bat, what is it supposed to be? A snowflake? Yeah, a snow, right?

- Yes. - Okay, I don't see that. - They're supposed to be snowflakes? Snowflakes are-- - Well, that's supposed to be a full circle of a snowflake that's cut. - Oh, and you only see half, so it looks like five KKK guys that just popped out of a dumpster or something. - It's a ka-ka-ka candle. - I didn't really ka-ka-ka see that.

But it is crazy. It says Bath and Body Works pulls winter candle after shoppers criticize the KKK hood design. It's putting it lightly.

Uh, we criticize that. I hate when those mega Republicans start designing, uh, scandal cans. Yeah, exactly. We got a Trumper here. Also, I don't want to know what the fragrance is. Let's just leave it at that. All right. That's going to get pulled from the shelves. Let's move on.

Mm-hmm. Good, good. I like-- We both go, "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." That's something I say all the time. Goat gets bagged, stuck on his head, and the rest is history. Okay, here's a video. I don't know if we read about this in history books, but let's see. Okay, where's the goat? Oh, yeah, it's got music. Oh, he scares them all. Everywhere he goes, look at they all haul ass out. He's trying to make friends.

Oh, I like that there's words to hoot. There it is. Wow. So the goat got a bag stuck on its head. It made it look kind of like a demonic goat or something. You can't see its eyes. Something scary, yeah. And like 40 other sheep are just running or goats are just sprinting away from it. There's a lot of WTF going on with the other goats. They're like,

I'll run and ask questions later. Sounds like date night with David Spade. That joke doesn't make sense. It just sounds like a joke. Maybe that goat was a butterface. You never know. Yeah, goats are goats. We used to ride a goat named Billy, actually, in Montana.

and we'd ride it. - Clever kids. - And we remember, the poop that came out of it was so organized and little round pebbles. - What? - The poop that came, look, I'm eight years old, I noticed that. The poop that came out of the goat, this is like a-- - Look, mom. - Yeah, it was like little pebbles. And as a child, I noticed that. But then I'd saddle up and ride that thing, hang onto the horns, come on, come on. - Poop, there it is.

I know you like poop stuff. So I don't, this first time I brought up poop stuff in a long time. I can't believe I said that thing about first class. I was just saying, I know the flight attendants roll with it. They go, there's not much we can do, but if you go up there and take a deuce, like you must, they must be like, you're really pushing it. Like you can't come from coach, lay down some cable,

fucking pop down a huge giant king kong finger and then run back how many euphemisms are there for poo king kong's finger you can't go up there lay down a chainsaw shaped deuce in the middle of climbing from 32 to 36 000 feet dropping the kids at the lake and then run back to 48 c

- You know what I miss about masks is you just never had to smell anything you didn't wanna smell. You just always had a mask on. 'Cause you know, I'm heavy- - I put my mask on when that guy was coughing 'cause Bobby did and I was like, I don't really, I'm not even a full mask guy, but I'm like, it seems like some blockage from this guy. Sick. All right, one more. Let's see what's going on. Let's see what's going on. - Let's break 50. - I got a million things to do, Dana, a million. - I actually kinda do.

I don't know. This is the dating game. The dating game. And there's famous people. Number one, when I was younger, I loved to play doctor. What was your favorite childhood game? I was interested in taxidermy. No other childhood games, huh?

I don't know. I went to great lengths. Okay. Like what? Preserving the bones of dogs and things like that. Okay. So that was MIPAI. I think it's edited or something, but yeah, it was supposed to be Jeffrey Dahmer on the dating game. Yeah. It's definitely. I believe it. Cause you know, like Tom Selleck was on, like there's famous people that are on old.

-dating game shows. -Sophie Martin, I think. Yeah. And so I go, Jeffrey Dahmer. I believed that for a while. And then everyone's laughing and Jim Lang, the host, is like... Let's bring it back. You and I co-host the dating game. Let's just bring it back. What's the song? No, that's Hawaii Five-0. -Isn't it? I got it wrong too. -It is.

That might be it. Okay. - Hi, I'm Jim Langland. - People comment. Yeah, if that's the real song. - Comment about my horn abilities. - Yes. Do the horn that ends where things go badly. Okay.

That's it, when a podcast goes off the rails. Run out of batteries. Okay, so Dana, watch Dana this weekend on SNL, whatever he's gonna do. We're gonna bring it. We're gonna do the things you've never seen before. So come on and watch the show. Don't wait for YouTube. Watch it live. I don't wanna be on Saturday Night Live better than anyone's ever been on Saturday Night Live. I'm Joe Biden. And I saw this message. I approve this message. Come on. Here.

Trump's the orange man. He's the old guy now. His hair is orange. Mine's white on white. Did you know the drill? Come on, folks. White on white. White on white versus orangey McOrange. What is it if you're a Trump or what's the opposite of Biden? Are you a Bider? Are you a Biden? Yeah, I know. The Trumper sounds better, easier. Trump it, Trump you, Trump it. Trump you, Harris. I guess it has to be Harris.

Walsh. Walsh is the weirdest one. Are you a Walser? Am I talking to a fucking Walser now? What are you, some sort of Walser? What are you, a Vanser? Are you a Vanser? Is Gaffigan around this week? Gaffigan is always around. No. Oh, we should have told him to come on today. Let's try to get him on next week. He's great. He's funny. I'll tell you, one last inside baseball. So we're sitting like in silos. Maya does her thing. This is in the family feud bit.

And then I'm seeing her cards and seeing how she's making choices, which is great, the way she jumped on things and stuff. And then it's Andy doing his bit and I'm reading his cards and seeing that choice. Oh, he paused there. Oh, he hit that. And then same thing. And then I talked to Andy afterwards. He goes, I'm reading your cards and your choices make no sense.

But I'm doing Biden, you know, but. They like that you ad-lib a little bit. They can't believe it. They're like, what are you doing? Oh, I want to do more, but the director lives very nice. And you got to get at that last line. And sometimes the writers are kind of, well, this is kind of what we have. But I definitely make up stuff on each one. Definitely. Sure. But for people at home, sometimes the director will cut on your last line to the other line.

to show us one, if you keep going, they cut. And they're like, "Oh wait, we didn't." - You have to do little ones in between. And, you know, Kenan, who's a master of the art form now of sketch comedy, he does little things, little tiny things that are different with every rehearsal, dress show versus air show, oh, he's doing that, he's doing that. I think when you add and tag a little bit or do things different, it just keeps you alive in the frame. But everyone has their method.

You hit the jokes. You try to hit the jokes. And if the jokes are written by the writers, you try to serve them as best you can. Yeah. Well, we're looking forward to that. I'll be in Atlantic City soon. I'll be in Reno and I'll be in whatever. It's on my website. Take advantage until that's released. Get out there now.

It's not on until next year, so we got a second to, but I don't like jokes sitting and rotting on, you know, they get stale after a few months. Yeah, that's true. You got to get them out. Okay, that's it. I don't hang up, right? Thanks, guys. Thanks. Thanks for listening and watching. God bless America. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it. Mm-hmm.