Shownotes Transcript
You know, a lot of people, when they stop me, they know we've messing out. And it's a lot of the times from repeats. We didn't have repeats for a long time, but TBD, the channel now has...
repeats of SNL. TBD TV, it's on seven days a week. Wow. And you know, if you watch this and if you like SNL, you're going to relive a lot of the best moments. A lot of the best moments from the Blues Brothers to Beavis and Butthead. Yeah. Get all your classic episodes. I mean, you can name Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood, The Church Lady, Chippendales.
The best of recent seasons, including Washington's Dream. That was Nate Bregazzi. Van Down by the River, which you were in. Yeah. TBD TV also features best of episodes, including the best of Carvey, best of Spade.
If there is one, I'll watch SNL on TBD every Wednesday from 2 p.m. to 6 p.m. and 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. That's right. TBD is a free TV network available in most areas with a digital antenna that you can buy online for around 20 bucks. Yeah. These things just usually get bigger and bigger because...
People start hearing about this here in LA. It's on channel 5.5 in New York city. It's also on charter cable channel 92, and you can always watch it on YouTube TV. That's right. Visit tbd.com to find out where to watch SNL on TBD TV in your area. And I'll just say, well, isn't that special?
If you know me, you know that if there's any way I can make the time I spend driving more enjoyable, oh, I'll do it. That's why I'm loving Polestar's electric SUV that is finally hitting the market, Polestar 3. This car features a 3D surround sound audio system by Bowers & Wilkins, up to 315 miles of range, and an intelligently designed interior. Polestar spent the time designing and refining every aspect of Polestar 3,
So the time you spend driving, it is the best time of your day. Visit Polestar.com to book a test drive today. Welcome to Superfly. Folks, folks. I was talking to Rob Lowe recently. He said, if a politician said folks, they're about to lie to you. They all use it. Folks is really what they're all saying now. And I thought of that the other day. I was like, why is everyone folks? You know, they used to say on...
Chips are one of those shows. No, Little House on the Prairie. They'd say, folks is feeling the pinch. Mm-hmm. When you go into the general store. Actually, this reminds me, Bobby Miyamoto is on the tour with me. He's a comic. Really funny. So this quick thing as we were on the road. We were on the road, yeah. You thought you'd get away with no story. So this time- Oh, I want it. I'm with Kyle Dunn again.
uh who's hilarious we had a blast we're back at providence it's my last night uh before i came back great show a lot of fun it's kind of raining pouring pissing rain fine by the way by the way i said when i got on stage where is she where's taylor i heard taylor swift lived up there and i said she wasn't at chili's and she wasn't at the mall so
She doesn't live here because where else would she be? I know. God bless her. It's probably a double-digit home locations. I talked to a guy. Double-dig. I talked to a guy once, Gary David Goldberg, God rest his soul, the great Family Ties producer. And he was sort of an old hippie in a sense. He was a little apologetic, but he goes, well, I have a house here and here, and I got one up here and one there. And I just have staff, and they take care of it, and I visit them when I feel like it. The whole time he's gone. It's the weirdest thing.
Yeah. Yeah. They sleep in your bed. It's weird. I don't. I know. I don't think. Yeah. That kind of wealth. I don't know. I mean, you know, I look at a billion. You know, I'm worth barely half that. Good night. I can get away with that. I have six houses, which that's not actually a lot. Well, that's when you play Monopoly with Heather and you take your houses and you put them on boardwalk. I go park place boardwalk and then I hide money under the monopoly. And they go.
is that a 500 bill let me ask you a question if you're around family holiday or whatever hey let's play a board game don't you kind of want to play monopoly because they have all these other games but i used to like life was pretty good but life is bad if you don't start out as a doctor it's not good because you know they say the doctor you get like a salary
And then if you get the other ones, you're not doing as well. Well, I'll do a game of Stratego with you if you want. Oh, Stratego is great. That was like a chess. I love that. I'll capture your flag in a second. Bomb. Bomb. No, that was a fun one, man. You have to lie and go bomb, and then it isn't one. But okay, so we're on the road. We go to Chili's to eat because what else are you doing?
Providence sounds fun. They go, there's one right over yonder. So I went there. We get, they want to get a dessert. You don't want to be too full before the show, obviously. We stuff. Then Kyle gets like a lava cake. And then Bobby goes, I want something for after the show. So he gets a big cookie. Oh, a big cookie. Right? So I don't even know. I want a cookie. Yeah. Maybe there's a cookie in a pan. It's like those kind, whatever it was.
you know, whatever cookie cost, $11.50 or whatever. So he gets a cookie and then puts it in a bag. We eat the lava cake. Everyone's sick. We leave. We do the show. I get off stage. Bobby, it's a great crowd. I walk off super happy. I'm only two steps out looking for obligatory high fives. And he goes, bad news, dude. And I go, oh. And then I have to shake out of that and go, oh, is it about the flight or something? And he's like, mm-hmm.
that driver ate my fucking cookie i had to go okay wait walk me through it then kyle comes up he goes listen to him because i think he's serious it was such a scandal and i'm like i'm just going yeah talk to me about cookie gate he goes i left it in the car and then we're so close to the hotel we're just going to walk for the first time we usually just get back in the car so i go oh
And what happened? Oh, he took off with it, probably threw it away or something. He goes, no, they said it's not here. So I called him and said, dude, where's that cookie I left? And then he goes, I'm eating it. He's eating it, Dana. You can't do that. The balls. Yeah, I love his attitude. I'm eating it. You can give him a fat fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Good Lord. You know, I guess that's just. This one? Do you mean this cookie?
It's like a pizza. Did he turn it? It would be like, "You ate my cookie." "Well, you know, you ought not have left it in the backseat." I think the attitude was, "Listen, you didn't want it. You left it here." Yeah.
I once ordered 10 cheese pizzas and I left in the back of the car for the crew at the gig and everything. Driver got through every last one of them. - Oh, see? - I go. - It can happen anyway. - Well, you ought not have left the double digit pieces in the back seat. - You fucked up. - And into the back seat goes. - Right. - Yeah, I would say if you want to... Oh, and he goes, "And you left your phone, I was making calls on that, or did you want it back?" - No, I do want my phone back, yeah. - What I would have done is bought 100 cookies
and then delivered him to wherever the driver was. Yeah, you want him? You got him. No, I'd say- 100 cookies. I said, Bobby, call him back and say, you know that cookie was for charity. And he'll feel bad. Cookie is a funny word. You know, Don Rickles used to say, give Ed a cookie, put him in the corner. Don Rickles used the word cookie as a- Look at Ed. Look at Ed. Shows over, he stands over in the curtains eating a cookie. Yeah. Yeah.
Put them in the corner. The show started an hour ago. Give them a cookie, pack them an ice. Pack them an ice. Pack them an ice and give them a cookie. Yeah, those are always good. Two Ks, cookie. Look, I have a pop quiz for you and Heather and Greg. You're a little kid. There's a Fig Newton on a plate and a Lorna Dune on a plate. Which one do you... You can only have one. Which one do you take? Who's Lorna Dune? Ha ha ha!
Wasn't there a cookie called a Lorna? Was there a cookie? Heather, you know what that is? Look it up, Greg. What's more, would you rather have animal crackers or an Oreo cookie? I know this whole podcast is called grasping. Grasping for straws is a great name. Well, I have another story for you. That one was good. Well, we haven't, we haven't really moved on from puff daddy.
Hang on, Greg. There's a Lorna Dune, everybody. Come on. It couldn't be more of a basic bitch. Look at just a square base cookie. Shortbread. That's your big invention? That's a little shortbread. Okay. I'm backing up. Yeah. Shortbread is good. Little shortbread called Lorna Dune.
Now, put up the- I like the microscopic thing I'm supposed to read. Isaac Fig Newton. Yeah, okay, go ahead. Here we are. I could read that. Okay, so Puff Daddy still in trouble. I knew you thought this would blow over by now. People are coming out. I think some dad is threatening. I don't know. It's every hour. What's the latest? The latest is my angle. I'm not alone.
that the baby oil, first of all, his lawyer sort of insanely came out and said, just like our podcast last week, he buys it at Costco in bulk. That's exactly what we said is a joke. And his lawyer said it with a straight face. He goes, you know, Puffy, always cutting corners. He wants to save a nickel here. He's worth 7,000 million. He doesn't give a fat fuck. Anyway, that didn't hold water. But they also said, there's some theories,
that had drugs in it. It wasn't just baby oil. It was like injected with something through the bottle. And then if it has GHB, then it sort of makes you sleep. You know what I mean? Like the, it's like, oh, it's just GH baby oil. And so then it's like a drug, you know, cause drugs go through your skin. Yeah. So, and so I guess I would say you don't need a thousand. That's the suspicious part. If you just have one,
it's got some fucking Z-Quil in it or whatever, then that's... Well, let me ask you a question. Please. Jerry Seinfeld didn't like that. Stop saying that. Just ask it. Just ask it. It's true. Just straightforward. When is the last time you... Forget the P. Diddy thing.
Took a bottle of baby oil and applied it to yourself. And was it after a shower? It's for rashes with babies, right? Diaper rash? No, I just know it's oil, but I haven't. I mean, I think I've used baby shampoo years ago because someone said it doesn't strip your hair out. It's good for your hair. There's not a lot of shit in it because it's for babies. But baby oil, they shouldn't even call it baby oil because I don't even know what it does for babies. Do they need to be covered in oil or what?
- Well, probably eight years ago, an assistant came in and said, "Hey boss, if you have a rash or something from wearing all those leather pants, here's a bottle of baby oil." And then P. Diddy goes, "Hold on a second. Wait one second. What did you just say?" - We did baby oil for rashes. He had to put it all together. Rashes, crotches, oil, moisture.
Give me a thousand bottles. Are you sure boss? Yes That's how crazy enough to work boss It works crazy it just might well no, but I mean there's astroglide there's lube if that's we're talking We took what are we talking about? Some comedian said he had a lube Gehrig's disease. That was his defense. I
A comedian just saw it and shouted him out. A good pun is fine. Well, I don't want to harp on that too much. I am going to harp about one thing because there's two movies I'm talking about. And the bigger issue right now that's bothering me is California, Say What You Will, but it is Tinseltown.
And we are known for beaches, but also number one is Hollywood and movies. And we do less movies than almost any other state right now. And I wish the governor here would loosen the strings and make it easier because every time you bring up LA to do a movie, it's almost impossible. They always go, we go to the tax breaks. Why is LA not making it a tax break? Because studios where I shot Just Shoot Me, CBS, Radford,
That's drying up. The one by the Grove is drying up. It's the worst recession in the industry in 60 years. Trying to come back from strikes and COVID. There's so many good people who want to work here. The best makeup, the best grips, the best art direction. Everybody is so good in LA, ready to work. And then, listen, you know what? I'll make a deal. I'll give them all the crime. You can have it. Just make these...
Make it easier to make movies here. You can have smash and grabs. You can have going to the mall, do donuts in the street, knock everyone over and take over. Absolutely. We just want some production. I'll give them all the crime, all the shit that's going on out there, all the running into 7-Eleven on your bicycle and beating up everyone and stealing everything and leaving. It's not a crime. And they're all laughing. Another thing about that is they're all laughing. I see these videos because they're like,
No one's chasing us. Now it's fun. Now let's go somewhere, rob it, and we'll laugh, and we'll film ourselves, be like, check out my TikTok, check out my Snapchat. Yeah, there's an on social media, Walgreens in 10 minutes, downtown Chicago. I'm in. Exactly. They're like, beep, bop, boop. See you at the fun thing. It used to be Little League. So now, also, the thing about, this is too heavy. We can get rid of it, but
There is homeless problem here in LA. A lot of cities, fine. But if you're trying to solve the homeless problem, you shouldn't be flying people in from other countries or over the border to add, because forget the politics of it. It's just simple math. That's more people that don't have a place to live. So does homeless go up? Yes. So that's not the best way to try to fix it.
In my humble opinion. I know. I was curious about that. And since I read both sides of the aisle on one side, it just says that Springfield, Ohio said, get us 20 to 30,000 Haitians in our town if you can, because we need that. If there's any way.
if there's any way. And so I always tell people, look, to have a really strong opinion, I got to go to Springfield. And I'd like to announce today that David and I will be podcasting. Should we do it live? From Springfield. Because then we could interview Haitians, interview the people in the apartment building, and just be reporters for a change rather than two knuckleheads. People are looking for us to get on the front lines. Yeah.
Let's go to the Aurora, Colorado to see if there's really gangs. What's going on? Something's going on. What is going on? I don't know. Right. The Marvin Gaye asked that question in 1972. He did. He had a whole song about it. What's going on? By the way, I just want to put in context a little bit for our listeners what states do in other countries. They want film production because it brings in a lot of business and spending of money. Right.
You know, Louisiana is one of the biggest ones with our friend Senator John Kennedy. So California might say, we're going to give you $3 million cash if you do your TV show, Chips Part 3, here in San Fernando Valley. And then Louisiana goes, well, let's get it real. We're going to give you...
$25 million to film a TV show in Baton Rouge. So that's why we're losing. And by the way, by the way, and guess what? Hungary, I can't, every time I run into an actor, oh, I'm shooting a film. Where? Hungary? Yeah. Hungary gives so much freaking money that that's a- That's the new Hollywood.
Rob Lowe has a condo in Hungary. He's always over there shooting. Come to Hungary where we pay lots of money for you to do funny pictures. Our manager has Rob Lowe too. He's like, go to Hungary. It's just five flights. It's not a big deal. It takes six days. Not a bad life. Lay around. He shoots in Poland and then Estonia. Yeah, you do your looping in Estonia. Your primary shooting in Hungary. Yeah.
jump over to Bangkok 24 hour hop just a little hop so that's that's all we're in a global market and California is a wealthy state it has to kind of up its ante if you will yes to get production back I'm trying to shoot something here I'm like
You have to pay an extra vig to shoot here. Now, when you go to Boston, we did Grown Ups in Boston twice, Father of the Year in Boston. These places you hear they're shooting, Atlanta is a big one because the state says, if you come here, your budget's 10 million, we'll give you back 3 million. We'll give you credit. So you go, oh, we basically could do a $13 million movie for 10 and we can get better actors, we can get more. And then I honestly don't know in LA, I just know that the numbers, but I know it's,
way harder and it's all they look at his numbers they go here's a movie production here the TV show it's cheaper to go to even overseas like you said doubt yeah or it's cheaper to go to Atlanta so mom it's almost never thought up that you would do it here that stuff that's my big speech is trying to defend tinseltown Hollywood
because I live here and I want to shoot here and I want everyone to work here. That's all. Well, it's the makeup artists, the crew members, the grips, transportation. You know, it's just a recession and it doesn't have to be. I'm pushing it. Also, old reference.
You know, that instant confidence boost you get from an outfit that makes you feel good. This is true. That's what you get with Stitch Fix. Like when I nail it every month or two, I get one thing right. I go, ta-da. But you could have that more often with Stitch Fix. You get a stylist who understands your style.
size and budget. They do all the shopping for you. That's the easiest way to update your word over the season. Okay. This is truth to power. I, if I go shopping, if I go to a shopping mall, if I go to a clothing store, I am literally out of my feet exhausted within five minutes. So the idea that not only you get a stylist, but
but they're going to go in and get the clothes for you and let you try them on. This is what movie stars have. This is Margot Robbie. Yeah. This is Brad Pitt. But now it's you. Easily upgrade your wardrobe this year with a professional stylist that helps you find new on-trend favorites that will work for you. Yeah. You give your stylist your size, style, and budget preference.
Order boxes when you want and how you want. No subscription required. Then they send you five just for you pieces plus outfit recommendations and pro styling advice. Keep what works. Send back the rest. I mean, if you go to a store and I'm like, I hate trying stuff on. Can I try these on? They go, okay. You go up these flights of stairs, this key to the dressing room with a cinder block on it. And you're going to wait. There's some people in there.
I hate when they knock and they go, how's it going in there? How good or bad could it be going? I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to put these pants on. I just saw myself naked. It's not going well. Why do they put the heat up in these stores, get a fun house mirror and raking lighting? I mean, you could be one of those Olympians and go in there and go, I got to get in shape, man. That's why.
Stitch Fix is great. The stylist always sends just the right pieces. The fit is on point. It's like they have the style ESP. Yeah. You don't like to shop. Save time and effort. You're going to look good. If you don't like it, send it back. It's all for free. Style that makes you feel good as you look. Get started today at stitchfix.com slash fly. Stitchfix.com slash fly. All right. I'm going to tell you something about LinkedIn, Danny, which you probably already know, but-
You know, when you're hiring for a small business, you want to find quality professionals that are right for the role. That's why you have to check out LinkedIn Jobs. Now, when I was getting a job at Bullocks, which is a clothing store in Arizona, they said I had the best meeting and the worst performance. So they would have weeded me out here at LinkedIn Jobs because they have the tools to find the right professionals for your team faster and for free.
That's exactly right. I mean, it is very difficult to know who you're hiring and comprehensively to get them vetted by LinkedIn gives you takes, you know, takes away the hassle of finding new people. I mean, LinkedIn isn't just a job board, David. LinkedIn helps you hire professionals you can't find anywhere else. Even those who aren't actively searching for a new job, but might be open to the perfect role. Do you understand? Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, listen, I feel like I get it. In a given month, over 70% of LinkedIn users don't visit the other leading job sites. So if you're not looking at LinkedIn, you're probably looking in the wrong place.
Well said. On LinkedIn, 86% of small businesses get a qualified candidate within 24 hours. Hire professionals like a professional on LinkedIn. 86%. That's a good percentage. Who has the time? Dana, you're a small business. You're out there trying to just run a show and you can't just stop everything and try to interview and make calls and bring people. You just call LinkedIn and
It's easy. Bing, bang, boom, beep, bop, boop. Quicker. Post your job for free at linkedin.com slash candidates. That's linkedin.com slash candidates to post your job for free. Terms and conditions, of course, apply.
There's another on a lighter note before we get into the really light, stupid stuff we do, which is really the heart and soul of the show. Stupidity. We want to make you smile. I saw it because you love talent, Danny. You're always scouting. Always love talent. America's Got Talent, name their winner. And I didn't know this. I did not know this. He is a janitor named Richard Goodall, and you win a million dollar prize.
which is great yes so far so far on the surface shiny i think i know where you're going with this yeah but yeah million so i didn't know this so they say you can either take the 300 grand right now right which is after taxes and or you can get 25 grand a year for what
10, 20 years. I don't know. And then 25, not really a lot because they tax that. So a million, so you get 25 grand a year for as long as it takes to get to a million. And then that's a while, that's four, whatever. So it's kind of takes a little bit of the sheen and glimmer off it. It's still great. Right. Still free money. I'll take it all day.
Give it to me. No complaints. We need taxes. But if you've never been taxed, it sort of gets your attention. I once did a pilot. I might have said this in the mid-1980s for SNL. And it was a huge deal. I was getting $30,000, which was huge. Still is a lot of money. And we went over to pick up the check from ICM.
I was with my wife. I came out and we opened it up. It was powder. It was like $9,000. Yeah. You know, commissions are six and then, you know, social security, whatever it was at the time. I couldn't believe it. So you want, it's a good go, right? You got to get FICA and you know, with a little bit of olive oil, French bread, olive oil, some paprika. You got, you got yourself a nice little lunch. Yeah. Um,
Because this guy, it sounds great. They go, what are you going to do with a million dollars? He's like, well, I'm giving 600 grand of it away right away. 300, they said in the article, sounds a hair low because he doesn't have an agent manager like we do. So we would probably walk with around 360 out of that, 370. Well, 20% commission, you'd be at 800. And then depending whether how the chess game of tax write-offs and things, you know.
Again, no complaints. It's just sort of they should get the prize. The guy should be should be. And you win a million dollars. Net, net, net. Now, net. Now, wheelbarrow. Here you go. Go.
We never saw you go. Because that's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. You can go in nice places in America, out in Utah or whatever, get a house for $300,000, put the $600,000 in an IRA account. Yeah. He'll do fine, but it's just I thought, God, he's kind of getting a little robbed. That's all. Okay, let's go to the regular story. Unless you have a story to tell me.
My stories will be revealed next week. How's that for a tease? By the way, I didn't tell you, but this is SNL's. This is an SNL bit we're about to show. SNL's 50th starts this week, so good luck to them. I've heard it's a lot of fun, a lot of surprises. I think it's Gene Smart is the host, I think. And the music, or have they not announced it?
Jelly Roll, I believe. Jelly Roll. Yeah. Jelly Roll? Jelly Roll. I heard it was Stevie Nicks. Okay, it'll be good. All right, look what I found. Someone sent me on DMs. This is fucking promos for SNL 1993. I love it. Okay, play this one. Charles Barkley and Nirvana. And Nirvana, yeah. Five, four, three. This is a good one.
I used to write promos. Hi, I'm Charles Barkley, host of the season premiere of Saturday Night Live with Nirvana. Look, Mom, your favorite, Nirvana. Look at Kirk. Look at fucking Dave Grohl. You're in a little rush at the beginning. You've got a little more time. Can you believe they're showing that in between? This is how you do promos. You just go rolling. This is it. But I used to write these so I'd stand right next to him. That was a funny one.
Watch Dave grow a six teeth out like that girl in the backseat.
So stupid. How does Dave Grohl look that much like Sarah Silverman? I mean, that's not Sarah Silverman. Can we get it back up again? Go back to that. Go back to the second phrase. Sarah Silverman is much prettier than that version of her, but why did he... Oh, no. Okay, we got... Four, three, two...
This is Charles Barkley and he's hosting Saturday Night Live with Nirvana. You know, I heard those guys are all lactose intolerant. No way! I'm just telling you what I heard. Too quick. Baby, did you write this? Yeah, I wrote it. I thought he was mad. Did you personally write this? Because your part is almost... That was a small... I wrote Adam saying everything. Yeah, you're very generous. Because I'm unselfish. Adam, I thought you were also rushing it.
I was trying to get a 10 second and now I got more time. I didn't know that. I think that was Davey. Now you can really have fun with it, Adam. Oh, good. Thank you. David, I'm trying to think who you look like. Some sea hag.
This is Charles Barkley. That's it. That was cool though, right? Who knew they had clips from promos? And they kept them. That was so fun. Because Nirvana is sitting there waiting to go on and we're dressed like girls. It's just so funny. And then I wrote that one and wrote Adam the joke instead of me. That was nice. I thought Lorne was mad at me. He goes, who wrote this? And I'm like,
Of course I don't say me. I wait. Why is it bad? And he goes, David, you gave yourself almost nothing, which was nothing. Funny. Promos were fun. Okay, that's it. What's the next one? God, who did you look like? I got rid of that hair, Dana, because after a few Gap Girls, I said, I need the Sharon Stone cut from Sliver.
Right. Let's see what this guy's doing. Oh, this is Diddy's lawyer. This is what I was telling you early. Let's see if it's true. Okay, great. It's too long, but we'll... I've been with him since 8 o'clock this morning, and it's about almost 3 o'clock now. He's...
Yeah, he's doing great. Like he's ready for the big football game. He's confident. You know, we're going through our defense. Sounds like he's talking about Biden. And his spirits are relatively good. How do you explain the baby oil? I'm going to get right to it. I don't think it was a thousand. I think it was a lot. I mean, there's a Costco right down the street. You know, I think Americans buy in bulk, as we know.
And, you know, this is consensual adults doing what consensual adults do. Why is it weird about it? We can't get so puritanical in this country to think that somehow sex is a bad thing because if it was, it'd be no more people. Listen, it's a fine line between sex, yes, consensual sex, sure. I think it's the filming and the black men, if that's all part of it. If that's what they did, you bring young women in, you get them, you slip them a Mickey, you do a Cosby,
You do all kinds of things. You film it. And then you have blackmail video. But I don't know if that's what happened. I think the thought is that, like, allegedly guys and girls doing things they don't want out. So they will pay or whatever it takes to keep doing it to make sure it doesn't happen. If you need a lawyer at any time for anything, get Diddy's lawyer. Note to self.
That should be the name of my special. Okay, next one. Yeah, Danny, you haven't named my special yet, but I'll get you off camera. Okay, what? I want to name it. Oh, this is funny. This is kind of a slip up, even though it's just a clip. We call it a clip up. We can't afford. We can't afford four more years of this. We can't afford. We can't afford four more years of this.
They'll turn that into an ad for Trump. You can't say four more years of this. I know. That wasn't Trump. You have to say, we can't afford what we had with Trump. We can't afford that again. I think he just worded it wrong. Right. That's the old idea of the Freudian slip. Yeah.
You know, I guarantee you SNL will have someone playing Tim Waltz. Kamala. Who else is there? Kamala's husband? J.D. Vance. Oh, J.D. Vance. Trump, of course. Trump. Maybe Biden will float in there as a ghost and bump into things. Yeah. And the host is? Jean Smart. Jean Smart. She's on Hacks.
She'll be great. She'll be great. She was on other stuff that shows that she's pretty funny. She's a pro. It should be about us. What'd you say? Designing women. Was she on that? She seems like it. I think initially. Yes. That was one. I think she was. That was her best. Okay. All right. Next one. Oh, this was just funny because it's really the president. And this is the power you have. He's just rolling calls.
Yeah, he needs new pants. You always need some real lightweight slacks, and they're real lightweight. Now, I need about six pairs for summer wear. Now, the pockets, when you sit down in the chair, the knife and your money comes out, so I need at least another inch in the pockets. Now, another thing, the crotch, where your nuts hang, is always a little too tight. It's like riding a
uh wire fence when i gained a little weight they cut me under there so let's see if you can't leave me about an inch from the where the zipper ends uh around uh under my back to my bunghole if you get those coming i would sure be grateful this is the president of the united states i like white house
What do you think I am, you cocksucker? My fun hole. Who says that? I don't know. Someone from the 1930s, I think. He's great. Who gets in with a tailor like that? That guy, you know, he's the one who came out. Hager is Hager Slacks, Dana. You remember? Yeah. Hager Slacks is like the hugest...
It's like calling the head of Levi's to say. So he calls the main owner of Hager Slacks. Like he's the fucking in the building. He's like, hey, can you run down the building? Grab me. And the guy's like, oh, where we make them? I don't even. I'm in Tahiti. Love it. They're too tight. And it's like riding a wire. And the cut fence. You know when you ball sack jammed. It rides up. Tugging and pulling. It cuts me.
So what I'd like you to do- - I don't mind a little tugging and pulling normally, but not by my pants. Turns into the Senator. - Yeah, Lyndon Johnson was a character extraordinaire. If he'd done his same personality out front, would have been Trumpian. - Going up, going up, look at my rum bum shirt. Rum bum bum bum bum. I was on the road with the Sandler tour a couple years ago. We were in Florida. Me and Swartzen bought this shirt.
We were twinsies. By the way, if you want to hear more White House, WhiteHouseTapes.org. You'll hear more stuff from Lyndon Johnson, JFK, all these fascinating parts of history. Yeah, WhiteHouseTapes.org. I heard that one. I just thought it popped in my feed. I'm like, this is so interesting that you can hear an actual phone call from the president.
Yeah. I heard that one in long form years ago. Oh, you've heard that? That's so hilarious. Well, it goes on for like 10 minutes at least. Does he talk more about his bunghole? I don't know. There was other calls or other things. I just want to hear about the bung. All right. Let's hear the next one. Just what the bung news is. Hang on. Don't start it yet. One of the common things I don't even know what this is. Go ahead.
One of the common things that I found which was really interesting was this thread of this common thread of disassociation. You know, fame is a privilege but it's also traumatic to people who, well anybody, it can be traumatic to anybody but specifically minors and I think that
It was interesting talking to the participants of the film because I noticed that there were chunks of memories that-- or chunks of times that we all don't remember. And I think that's a direct response to trauma. Yeah.
And what's out there that can be done or is being done right now? One of the common things that I... This was funny. Why is he... Why is he dressed in the most serious subject? He's dressed with mud on his face and goggles. They cut him in. And he had goggles? Right. So you were molested? It's like, can you take the mud off his face? So he did a sketch and didn't clean up during the commercial? Yeah, and then he came over and then she goes... Yeah, she came into a heavy subject and he's like, I think I'm going to... She might as well be eating potato chips going...
So some guy comes in your room, he's your uncle. It's just too easy. It's too casual. I think it would be funny if he just had a pie on his face just the whole time he came and see Jimmy Fallon. The pie is just stuck to his face and he's like, or he hits her with a pie in the middle of that speech. Yeah. And goes, come on.
Hilarious, and he goes, "Funny, come on, it's a comedy, relax." Yeah, come on. It's a childhood actor. I wonder who she was talking about, you know, these childhood actors, these-- I mean, she was making a point, but it was a valid point, but watching Jimmy pop up like this. Fucking Bozo the Clown. One of the greatest cutaways I've ever seen, and we should have him on Superfly.
to show him the clip and just kind of explain himself. Or his staff. Jimmy Fallon, right? Yeah. Yeah. Jimmy Fallon with goggles and mud on his face. He loves it. He would love it. I mean, he would laugh really hard at that image. Okay, next one. I mean, whatever. I just thought this was frustrating. Go ahead. Straight up, say it. I'm not going to stop you.
I'm not going to stop you. Yeah, fuck America. So during his concert, he yells, fuck America, and the crowd cheers. I'm like, god dang. That's fantastic that we live in a country where we have no fear of our government. If you said, fuck Putin...
there would be something would come out of the ceiling, even for the privacy of your own home. Fuck Putin, fuck you, and then a giant thing comes down. That's America. Like those machines where you pick a stuff, just picture. I had a driver recently, and he almost went into Scarface mode in the movie Scarface, where he talks about what it's like under communist Cuba. This guy was from Poland.
And he goes, I grew up in communist Poland. And I go, and I thought, I didn't know what his politics were. So I just cheekily accidentally said, well, it couldn't have been all bad.
- Stupid idiot. - Two minute rant that I should have recorded. They tell you what to do. They tell you where to go, what to eat. You have no freedom. They can take you out of your house, shoot you in the head and nobody cares. You have no freedom there. So I said, do you think Americans kind of take for granted their freedom? Yes, they take very much granted for freedom.
So there you go. I thought it's good. He can say that here, but absolutely. He should probably move somewhere just to keep his coolness factor because he stays here. You go, well, what are you still doing? You hate it. Right. I don't understand that. It is interesting. Can we look up his net worth? I mean, is he is he he's he's famous. That was a big band. Heather, you've heard of it. What's his net celebrity net worth?
Heather or Greg. Heather, look at that. You know I love Celebrity Net Worth. Oh, yeah. It's juicy. It's never quite real, but I like seeing it. No, it's kind of made up. But I think it's a culmination of everything you've ever made. $25 million for that guy. All right. So let's... Okay. So... That's it. He's doing fine over here. A lot of people wouldn't mind taking $25 million. I know. But we're talking about it. It trends. It's incendiary. You know.
I mean, yeah, he's going to I don't know if people still get bothered by that. I have to say I will freely move that bother me. All right. Well, the only thing bothers me more than that is a billionaire saying I ought to pay more tax. I pay entirely too little tax. What's your net worth? A billion. Would you ever voluntarily write a check to the Federal Reserve? Because you can do it a treasury any day of the month.
And they go, well, that doesn't sound like so much fun. Yeah. They go, blah, blah, blah. Okay, this one might be stupid again, hopefully. When you're not allowed to bark inside, this one goes under a cute one. So you try to whisper bark. No. No. No.
- Yes, yes, do that. Yeah, yes. - I like that. He just opened his mouth and didn't bark. You see that? He goes. - I think right now we should start a business. Dana and David's perfect dog. And we just clone that dog and sell millions of them. - God, that dog was cool too. He did one take. Barks, we get it's annoying. Don't bark, whisper bark.
Well, it's off the charts. It's the power of cuteness of the dog. Tilting the head slightly. Big eyes. This is how I am with you on the Zoom. Looking at you, trying to figure out what you want me to do. Yeah. But that's adorable. And the dog's cute. Hey, Fidelity. Can I get a second opinion on stocks in the Fidelity app?
With Fidelity, it's easy to get an outside opinion from independent experts in a single score. And then? When you're ready, trade U.S. stocks and ETFs with no commissions. That's right. I am always right. Investing involves risk, including risk of loss. Sell order assessment fee not included. A limited number of ETFs are subject to a transaction-based service fee of $100. See full list at fidelity.com slash commissions. Fidelity Brokerage Services, LLC. Member NYSE SIPC.
Well, the holiday season is almost here. Are you ready to celebrate? There's still time to create space for overnight guests with all the comforts of home, even the surprise ones.
That's right. Check out Sleep Products to make the guest room the best room and Dining Solutions to help set a table that has a space for family, friends, and unexpected side dishes. Shop now by visiting in-store or online at ikea-usa.com for special offers and new items. This season, get premium technology that inspires joy from Dell Technologies.
Bring your most intensive projects to life with our most powerful XPS laptop. The XPS 16 delivers supercharged processing for enhanced productivity and freedom to express yourself with a dedicated system for AI-enabled apps. Performance-class Dell PCs with Intel Core Ultra processors deliver a dedicated engine to help accelerate AI. Shop smarter on dell.com slash deals and enjoy benefits like
free shipping, Dell rewards, system configurability, and expert support. You can't go wrong with tech for everyone on your wishlist. When you get a Dell PC with AI, it gives back. Shop now at dell.com slash deals. Okay, next one. What is this? Let's just see. Oh, see, there's a spider. Yes.
No. So someone brought in a spider and they covered it. Oh my God. I thought someone came in with a spider in a cup and threw it down. I am so scared of spiders, Dana. That, no joke, I would burn the house down. Just to...
Make sure it's dealt with. I live in the country, so most of the time. So tarantulas are around. One got into the laundry room. They move very slowly. Yeah. Rat infestation. Spiders, what you do for almost all of them, you get a bunch of paper towel and you just scoop them up in the towel like that. The whole city block. You just go right out the front door.
And then you just toss it. Because I don't really want to kill a bug unless I have to. I just put it outside the bug. I'd prefer not to kill a bug. Well, there is that old joke of they have all the animals lined up in cuteness and they go, this is the line where they stop being cute. It's like dog, cat, then it goes deer, and then it goes cow, kill, this kill, this kill, this kill. Because we eat
Some animals and some we go, "Oh, come on, they're too cute." So the animal's like, "Where do I fall there?" But bugs, I have to say, pretty much across the board, I can't deal with. - Here's the thesis of the movie, book Sapiens, is that before mankind invented agriculture and just silos of wheat, just eating all this wheat,
and all these carbohydrates that begat all these diseases. Ancient man would eat bugs and turtles and shells and hooves of things and just everything, fish. Just trying stuff. And they would eat bugs for sure and butterflies. And apparently they're a lot healthier rather than someone like you getting a plate of pasta the size of your room there, eating it and falling asleep in the meadow. Yeah.
in the meadow. Do you know that ancient man and or woman, if they came along a fig tree and they're by themselves, they would try to eat every single fig and pass out because their brains wanted that natural sugar. They would eat till they're stuffed, whereas you just wait and go to a drive-thru. I am pretty good about eating. When I go to McDonald's, which is honestly at least once a week,
I don't even finish it anymore. And that's one of the hardest things in your life you can do. Leave fries. Leave part of my cheeseburger. It's so good. Leave. People really flip out that I get a filet-o-fish. That's going to blow up the YouTube comments. People freak out. That's old school. It doesn't entice me. It's just the tartar sauce. It's so much tartar sauce. They catch those little fish up off Alaska.
jumping around. I'll have McDonald's once a month if I'm on a road trip. That's it. What are they, carp? What are Filet-O-Fish? Grouper? Just basic fish. Just ratty fucking minnows sewn together. And they get the net, they get like a million of them, and they put them right into a freezer. They're frozen like that. I don't want to know. It's so bad. It just tastes good. I like what Simon used to say. What did he say?
Oh, it's Alaska Pollock. Okay. Never heard of it. The most random fish that no one's looking out for. So what did Jerry Seinfeld say? He said, McNuggets, I'll mangle it, but he said McNuggets are just parts of chicken. It's just gristle and parts and batter. So even a real chicken could look at that and go, I see nothing here that bothers me.
Because it's so far from really just a chicken breast. Well, there's that phrase. We've talked about it. Oh, there's a steak. It has a lot of gristle on it. Yeah. And some people say that's the good part, the gristle, the fat and the bone. The fat. The yuck bag, the Farley yuck bag. All right. What else before we wrap up? Also, I want to ask you something at the very end.
Oh, this is funny. I watched this. I don't know why it's funny, Mark, but I was watching it thinking, my guess is the rock is so heavy it flips the bulldozer. Okay, let's watch what happens. Dropping a 7,000 kilograms rock into water. Oh, my God.
I know you really want to watch this video. Don't worry. I will play it again in a second. I hate this guy. So he suckers you in. I know you're made for more than scrolling and watching reels. This guy's an idiot. You can live your dream life, drive the car you want, and live life to the fullest. But instead, you still choose to drain your potential watching these high dopamine videos. Thanks for listening. This is high dopamine? You can sit here and keep scrolling for another hour. I'm not really getting it. You can follow me at Greystone Trading. Message me yes, and I will send you an exclusive video training to make money on your phone. Shit.
There's a video we wanted to see, dick. I like how, I like when people show what it's like to be successful. I'm in a limo. I got a laptop. I got the ocean. You want this shit? Is that what you want? Yeah. I'm like, I have money. I just sit in this dark room and cry.
Yeah, money is about control and freedom, not, oh, something you want to say? Look at this freaking shot. Extreme close-up. God, Heather pushed in. Oh, there she's back. Fuck, that was crazy. Is everybody okay? Did we survive that? That was weird. That was an earthquake. Yeah, is that weird? I don't know. That was weird stuff. You look pretty good, you know, in extreme close-up. I like how you give it nothing. You go, that was weird, wild stuff.
We're wild stuff. You didn't even give it all Johnny. Well, isn't that special? Isn't it fucking special? I got to show you the video Frankie Valli live. And that's you doing the church lady in 22 years. Because he's like this. He walks up on stage. Oh, man. He's like 92. Poor guy. Yeah. And he gets the mic and he goes, you see the pressure on me. It's like the grease is the word. And he's like this.
He's just, and I go, he can't be seen. We'll show that. That'll be our big cliffhanger for next week. We'll show it. That shows you the only one that I'm currently aware of in show business who's going toward his mid-90s that is still on fire. Guess. We had him as a guest. Dick Van Dyke? No. Billy Shatner. William Shatner. Oh, Billy Shatner. Yeah, Dick Van Dyke's on fire. William Shatner. William Shatner's great.
He was great on his show. He's just great. I'm glad he's out there. But he's still, he's got the strong voice and, you know, he's got whatever he's doing. He doesn't have a line on his face. And I can't understand how he does it. All right. Thanks, everybody. That was a fun one. And we'll see you next week. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade. Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.
