SUPERFLY #23 - Lies, Debates, and Rawdogging Flights
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it. Toyota's national sales event is happening now, meaning it's a great time for a great deal on a dependable Toyota truck.

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You know, I think maybe they call him, instead of brawny, just scrawny. Just to differentiate it. It's not negative. Okay, ready? You want to start Superfly, Dan? Are we starting? Is it starting? Yeah. I'm so excited. Yeah. Can you tell? Yeah, we had, you know, we had Lovitz last week. I don't know if anyone knows who Lovitz is, but. Yep. People like him. I look at the YouTube comments. You wouldn't think it.

You would never think it, but people like him. You know, it's not even fair. It's not a fair fight for John when he is looking at a picture of himself. He can hardly focus on the podcast.

because he kept turning his chin up and it's very funny but it's fun to give john props he did he actually did look good i said what have you been doing it made him so happy but i learned his rhythm of like you be happy whatever he says you come back with you you don't seem to be liking our podcast you don't like your podcast that's his great trick i love yes when he leaves me at dinner he goes david i'm sorry about your attitude

Yeah. That's one of his classics. His classics. So anyway, he did something for People magazine. It's so ridiculous. And I just saw an article that said, John Loves and David Spade, how they became friends. I'm like, more like, why did they? That's funny. Isn't that funny? And so I think it was the articles about, you know, Phil Hartman passed away, who's one of his best friends.

And then I had had Chris pass away who we all loved. And, um, and then he said, we sort of bond over that, which is true, but I think we were friendly way before that, but it was kind of like, that's, I think it was more, he lived in LA and we started hanging out and stuff, but here's a picture from that article. Look at this. Oh, funny. That is it. Look at that backdrop, anger management. That was that premier and the premier whore is back.

Jeez. Look at my skateboard shoes, my beat up jeans. If you were going to put a name on that, like say that shot of you two is a movie. What would be the name of the movie? Because it kind of looks like you're in a movie together. Like this is, you know, it's Vinnie and Jojo or something. It would be my son's a skater and then he would be my dad. No, it would be. How about batter boys?

How about, is it a bad voice? Yeah, badder voice. How about Kurt Cobain and his manager? That's true, you did have a little bit of that. John Lovitz and Kurt Cobain's manager. So I have another story that you didn't hear, Dana, which I freaking forgot to say when Lovitz was here. So when I moved in this mansion or whatever, house, other people's words. It's a mansion.

15 windows, four pantries. I mean, whatever it's called. I don't know. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Seven bedrooms that have never had a human being inside. But all, but all need furniture. So I move in and for some reason, the opulence, the guy who built it, it was a new house.

He had a lot of stuff I didn't really like. And so one of them was a toy D I don't like say the word toilet, but fine. So he had like one of these super newfangled ones. So of course, Lovitz comes over one day, one day in one of his pricey cars. And he goes, what's going on over here? And I go, what? I'm in the garage. I go, is there a rat? No, this toilet.

He loves it. It's beautiful. And I go, oh yeah, I don't know. And he goes, why is it in the garage? And I go, well, I have, I go, it's blowing my mind. Yeah. He can't believe it. He goes, I go, I, it was in my room. I didn't really want it. So I just got a regular one. He goes, why would you do such a thing? He goes,

I'm looking for one like this. I go, no, you're not. He goes, I am. He goes, I'm about to buy one. Do you know how much they are? I go, no. And he goes, $6,000. I go, shut the fuck up for this. And he goes, Ooh, you got the seat warmer. Ooh, you've got all the jets and all the massaging part. I'm like, Oh my God. Yeah. He goes, this one's from Japan. He goes, I'll buy it off you right now. Cause I have to order mine. I go,

Well, John, you don't have to. He goes, I insist on paying you. And I said, how about you give me half? Is that a ripoff if you have to pay me? And he goes, that's the great deal because I was about to pay 6,000 right now. And so I keep hemming and hawing. He goes, I'm bringing you the money. I need this toilet. I said, sure.

So he goes, I'm going to pay such a long story, but he has a good, he has a good ending. So he goes, I'm coming tomorrow with a truck, with a friend, poor friend. So he comes over, I guess he takes it. I wasn't even here. He goes, I'll leave you the money. And I go, all right. And then I go, uh, I didn't see it. He goes, well, let's go to dinner Friday.

And I go, and I'll give it to you. And I go, all right. So Friday I go, hey, are we still going to dinner? And he goes, oh, somebody wants his toilet money. I like the closeup. He told me the exact same story about your toilet. I'm telling you, it's amazing. It's in his garage. He doesn't know what he has. And I got it for $3,000. Don't tell him I ripped him off.

This happens, I don't know if I've mentioned this, but you can be talking to John on the phone for 20 minutes. And then he says- I know what you're going to say. I know what you're going to say. I'm-

on the loose. Yep. I go, damn it again. I don't want to talk to someone. I know it's gross. You should have to announce it or just don't make the call. I can't. It's too much. But that's so funny. He told me the exact same story. You so excited. David's house is from Japan. It had everything. Well, when you spend half your life on the toilet, you want a nice one. Good night. No funny. It's so great. He can't defend himself. Why are you talking about me again?

So funny. So funny. It's like he's always saying, and just, he's like the Mr. Pillow guy. Half off today. Dude, that clip we have up on YouTube shorts is killing it because he's going, I hear you guy. And we're like, we can't hear you. And he's like, I, you. We're like, and they put the aquarium in front of him.

Oh, we should have a whole side podcast, technical issues with John Lovett. Yeah, exactly. David Spade. Watch these three idiots try to get on a Zoom. Okay, so let's talk a little bit about the debate happened while we were gone. Good Lord. We're not political, but we have to talk about what's going on in the world. This was a big one. This is the Super Bowl of disaster debates.

Well, for people who live under a rock, I love that figure of speech. As I eat my summer watermelon. Yeah, Jesus, take a bite right. It's like a great prop in a movie. There was a debate, David. Did you watch it? I was on stage at one of my fucking southern tour shows. But go ahead, give me the highlights. Everyone knows it was an odd debate. And there's a lot going on. It's going to be huge.

It's going to be huge. It's going to be big. So Biden, I mean, one thing I learned from people who saw it is that he and his wife have a very close relationship and they are, it's, it's, you know, Nancy Reagan, Ronald Reagan. Interesting. They are a team. So,

Biden has a rough debate. He wanted to talk like this. We're going to do things that a lot of people know about. We know what to do. Instead, he talked like this is the people and the pancakes and we got to find Robert Mitchum. And so I thought my impression was kind of some people thought it was a little too much. Come on. He doesn't talk like that. You know, I can't believe it's not better than the one you gave me, which killed when I was playing last week. Bed, bath and beyond. Yeah.

But he does some stuff, some linguistic gymnastics there that made everyone think, okay, can this guy go for four more years? Trump jumps off the stage, basically all 300 pounds of him. I'm going now. Boom. She helps him down like he's a five-year-old. Come on. And then she's in front of this little crowd with him and go, you did great, Joey. Joey, you answered every question. Oh, you're tremendous. High fives all around.

High fives. And, you know, it made me think that he's not going to step down if he hasn't right before we started doing this podcast, because she's like, we're going to go, Joe. We're going to go. What if he kind of in a moment said, well, maybe, maybe I should, maybe I should, should, should step down. And then she would go, that's not going to happen. Not on my watch, you little bitch. Not with Vogue coming out.

You know, what's funny is she's a doctor, but people are like, it's kind of like how Dr. Pepper is a doctor where you don't really know what kind of doctor. Well, she's not a medical doctor. Okay. Cuts that out. I don't know if he's going to step down. I mean, he couldn't step down from the one step down after the debate. First makes sense. Then do debate.

Were they surprised? Was it DEFCON 1? What was Obama saying when he watched it? Because it was really... Was Obama in his ear? Oh, you mean like a little earpiece? I think people said he might have an earpiece. Yeah. Joe, slow down, Joe. If it was, he was in Joe's earpiece. Joe, slow down. That's the first thing I thought. He's going, we're going to do this. Slow down, Joe. Slow down, Joe.

Yeah, but it didn't work. There was one person because there's been thousands of articles in the last few days about this from left and right that said, I thought he had a great day. One of the best I've seen him. That's the best you've seen. What does a bad day look like? Yeah.

Just sounds and I sound like I feel like I hear him when I'm behind someone at McDonald's in the drive through here. President. Yeah. No. But who's going to take over if anyone takes over? Is it Dr. Jill? No. Well, that would do it. That would show. I mean, they floated. They would love, love Michelle Obama.

They love Michelle Obama. They would take Oprah. And then you go down to the classics. Newsome, Governor Newsome of California. You're looking at Governor Whitmer. And I think Kamala Harris, she will not go gently into that good night. Oh, come on. That's right. They don't even consider her. That's so fucking rude. It's kind of, yeah. And I don't think, so right now they're in panic mode. They're reading the tea leaves.

Do we replace him? And would, would he step down? I don't think, I don't think he's going to step down. I, I mean, that's hard. So he just politically, cause I'm so stupid. He doesn't, um, he, they have to ask him and he has to ask, but don't they just tell them, um, they would like it like with Harry S Truman in 52 and LBJ in 68, the president gave a speech and said, I will not seek the nomination. He's got all the delegates. So he would release them.

Release the delegates. Release the delegates and release the Kraken while you're at it. Yeah, exactly. In what order, sir? Well, the Kraken first, then the delegates. So then they got to decide by August 7th because there's a certification thing. The actual event, the Democratic National Convention. Is there a certification? That's not a good word for Joe. No, it is not.

Keep it away from him. Put it in a hiding place. The Bundt cake. Better, better, butter. Bunsen burner. Bunsen burner. Magnum PI. I like when people look at him and then they look at his teleprompter and go, what is he trying? This one's not that hard.

But who knew my impression was that accurate? It's so good. Everyone loves it. The non sequiturs. So basically then they'll have, they'll have people come up, give speeches, ever all the conventioneers and the super delegates they'll have. They can vote forever. They want to tell Lincoln got on there. He was the fifth choice. They'll go through ballot, ballot after ballot. Some it's a winning voting, a new person. If they had to be a new person, it's an open convention. They call it. So you can actually go in there and give a speech.

I could do it. I'll throw my hat in, you know, let's see what happens. I don't know policy, but you'll laugh a lot. I've got Newsome hair. Look at this guy. Tink, tink, tink, tink, tink. Newsome's got the hair and the teeth.

They would be in the good looking wins. I'll go by my whole life. Good looking people always went. They it's well, he's yeah. He's you full. And so I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that, um, something's going to happen. All right. Let's look at some other headlines. What's going on out there. What else is going on? Any little videos I brought for you. Let's see. I like to get your opinions. Okay. Here's one. They had the draft recently, um, which is, um,

NBA draft. Your boy, Bronny was in there. He got second round, you know, basketball more than I do. Well, it's kind of cool. LeBron's going to play with his son. I, I, I, that's, that's really interesting. Definitely history making. It could happen once before maybe. Yeah. I'm not sure. I think Ken Griffey in baseball played with his son, Ken Griffey Jr. Okay. Son was better than him. I think. I don't think that's the case here. I don't think.

but brawny might get better and uh make it better than the run you don't know you don't fucking know arguably the greatest fall time um brawny could be an all-star and have a great career you know there's lots of levels to this one problem is what do you call him does he go hey dad throw me the ball you know what is what do they say you know what i mean what if he still has kind of a normal you know he tries to admonish him

Fuck you, dad. What if LeBron grounds him during the game? They would never do that, would they? He can't get off the bench. He goes, coach, I grounded him. He's got another few minutes. You know, I think maybe they call him, instead of Brawny, just Scrawny.

Just to differentiate it. It's not negative. Well, I don't know. But yeah, he has already, you know, they jump on things. Brawny paper towels. He already has a deal with them. Brawny for brawny. So brawny paper towels. So there's lots of ways to make it. This stupid story is about an NBA prospect. He's the tall guy on the right. He's got a girlfriend. But apparently the swirling hubbub was this was his babysitter.

when he grew up. Now they're together. That sounds like a lot of money. Groomed is a bad word. Love it. I love it so much. Yeah.

Why do they care about his girlfriend when he's playing? Oh, yeah. Now, Kyle is 20 years old. His girlfriend is 26 years old. Certainly not the craziest age gap I've ever heard. Hello, Bill Belichick. But it started to get weird when an accountant named Becky Filipowski, saying that she was Kyle Filipowski's mother, says that the girlfriend had a three-year endgame and was grooming him when he was still in high school. That's when Kyle's older brother, Daniel, chimed in, saying that the story's been

Cut him off. ...for nearly two years, and that it's Mormon grooming and brainwashing. Now, again, 20 and 26, not the craziest age gap you've ever heard. The problem is that the... Are we on his podcast or is he on our podcast? I know, we can jump off. You can... Okay, yeah. I just thought the story was funny. So, basically...

I know it's too long. Well, I just thought we were on that guy's podcast. Well, the story is, I just thought the story was funny. I got it. I got it. I mean, grooming is an interesting word. But they cut off the family. That's the part that they don't like. Oh, the family didn't like it and they cut them off. Yeah. No, the kid cut off his family when he announced, I'm going with the babysitter, six years older. She said, with the family. Well, if he's seven feet tall, if he could put the coconut...

In the basket. They're not going to care about no babysitter grooming. I can't believe they even cared. He dropped in the draft. Why? There's guys with worse things than that going on. Nobody cares. If he's a 20 tenner, which means 20 points, 10 rebounds, and he could put the coconut in the basket, the babysitter story goes away. I say hold out. And I think they should consult with Joe Biden.

Should we just... Yeah, no, I've never just surrendered. Go down. If you put the coconut in the basket, you could get paid a lot of money. Cavaliers! Bunsen burner. Bunsen burner. I can't believe it's not Bunsen burner. Keep pushing that. Howdy. Yeah, and also bed, bath, and beyond. Sounds like fucking Toy Story guy. All right. Let's go next one.

I'm a nibbler, Dana. And I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up.

They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is Pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells. Flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah. Look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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This is a Joe Dirt. And I put a comment. Oh, we need these guys back at the office. LOL. Is it a rodeo? Who are these guys? I don't know. It's not a Joe Dirt thing. These are just guys. It's not a club. But yeah, it looks like they could all be in Joe Dirt. Yeah. I don't know. They're all looking the same. I've seen a lot of guys at these Comic Cons. There's a famous guy that's a Joe Dirt. Dresses exactly the same. And he has a wagon with a meteor in it.

I don't give the whole movie away. So maybe that is a Joe, Joe dirt kind of club. I mean, or it's the hair club for men. There's a couple of things that could be happening. It's a club woman. The way you look at it. Yeah. It's gotta be a club. And I did this week, Dana, there's a part in the real Joder movie where I go by fireworks, you know, from a firecracker stand. And then I read off all these kinds of fireworks. And so, um,

I did a TikTok. So embarrassing. But I went there. So I filmed myself going there and I just went in and talked to the lady and goofed around in there. And then we split screened it with the real movie. So I put on TikTok and it's doing quite well. People are really enjoying it. Joe Dirt is getting brighter. It gets bigger as it goes along. It's bigger now than when it came out. That's for sure. Bigger now. That's for sure.

Yeah, because it really lends itself to memes. And I think people like Joe Dirt, the character. He's looking for his parents. It's got kind of a sweetness. Nice guy. I mean, when I wrote it for you, I just thought this is going to be a winner. I'm just going to win for decades. That's true. That was nice. You slid it under my desk. And I was like, oh, this is nice. All right, it was Fred Wolf in case he's listening. Yeah, me and Fred Wolf wrote that, and I love it. It's actually about a guy. People can relate.

Even though it's a goofy movie, but down as luck, always getting picked on, always getting beat up. Yeah. Never gives up. Is in love. Can't misses his parents. Doesn't know where to fit into the world. Broke. Hungry. All that going on. Okay. This is stupid because in one of the let people go, how do you think of all these firecrackers? I name is made them up half of them, you know, and one of my go, who's good dues, who's good don'ts. And.

I just told my buddy the other day, I go, remember there was a game growing up called Husker Du and it was German and it meant, can you remember? It was a memory game. And so just thinking of something stupid, I'd say Husker Du and then I go Husker Don't. But it's not even D-O, it's D-U, which I remember it's got a little oops-a-lon over it.

So Husker Du, which translates in English to, I think it means, can you remember? Can you remember? It was a fucking commercial on TV and it always stuck in my head. Yeah. Husker Du. And so when I was thinking of stuff, stupid names, I'm writing it, I'm like Husker Dus and then don't sounds funny. So that's just a little BTS of that name of the firecracker.

Not riveting. Not interesting. Long way to go, but I'm going to just put this out there. Your next special has got to be called Husker Du. Husker Du. I won't forget that. I won't forget that. Oh, yeah, because it's about memory. God damn. That's right. That's why you remember the name. That's so smart. All right, next. It sounds more Scandinavian. Husker Du. Husker Du.

All right. Oh yeah. Men are raw dogging it on flights by giving up all in flight. I raw dog one stare at the real time flight map. Why do that every single flight? You've been raw dogging because you don't, you don't use anything because when I, I raw dogged it because when I was on tour, I got on a flight and they go, we have TVs. And then you get on and go, Oh, it's in your hand. It's your phone. I go, Oh, good. Fuck. I, I,

There's nothing on my seat. That's what I want, a TV. And I just want to stare, watch ESPN or something. So I can't do it. So I just stared at nothing. Phone didn't work. Wi-Fi doesn't work. No one has a magazine like the old days. So you're just staring. So I raw dogged it for three hours. And a lot of people are doing it for longer.

But that means no water, no earphones, no music. Well, there's also adult beverage. You could get a couple of beers if you're afraid of flying. I know. And now you're not raw dogging.

Oh, it has to be pure raw dog. Okay, here's what I do. I try it at home, and I've shocked seat mates with my information. On my mini iPad, I get on Turbulence USA. Then I put on the flight map. I have a map on my iPad that tells me when and where the turbulence is and for how long.

So I'll say to someone who's a little afraid of flying, I go, we're going to hit turbulence in about 10 minutes and it'll last for about 20. And they're like, how do you know this? My God. And I say, I say, Taylor Swift, take it easy. Just sit back and relax. I got you. Oh, and then you, but you give everyone tips because you're on the only one in the world on a turbulence app.

Well, yeah, I just, I like the science of, you know, 300 people in a metal tube, eight miles up and how we've gotten down to like, so what? Yeah. Can you believe it? We float in the air. We're sitting like this kind of with our knees up, like in a chair, just floating in the air. So weird. I know, I know, but, um, I don't like it when I think about it. When it works, it's, it's great. I feel like when you come off a plane, everybody's a little cocky when they come through the tunnel. Yeah, we did it and we're here. Nailed it.

Yeah. All right. Next one. Oh, this is funny. Do you do meet and greets Dana? Oh yeah. You have in the past. So a meet and greet with Chris Brown, the girls like jump on him. He squeezes their ass. They do all this shit. So this guy's calling up his engagement because this is the girl's meet and greet photo. She came home with, that's so awesome. Uh, yeah, I feel sorry for the guy. Yeah, of course. You know, um,

What is this? Is this a sense? I'm letting you know, this woman is letting this person know I will have sex with you immediately. If you pretty much. Yeah. I mean, this is sort of it. He turns into everyone's hall pass because if your girlfriend is, they had a guy waiting in line and his girlfriend did one of these.

I mean, Chris Brown and his, no offense, donkey dick. I wouldn't want to see that monster anaconda. And then she's like rubbing up against him going, let's get a few more shots. Let's get up on his lap. And I'm like, honey, I told you we'd get out of here and go to Chili's if you behaved. But, you know, you're blowing it.

I've been groped many a time at meet and greets by boozed up, boozed up sauce monkey women around 60 and they'll grope and grab and grip. They don't care. I stopped that because of that. I did that the Venetian and it was butt grabs.

Take a picture on three, then they kiss you on three, grab your butt on three. I get handed CDs, scripts, demo tapes. God, I guess we're kind of like sex symbols or something. Yeah. Or they're just drunk. No, one girl goes, first of all, they're shocked. They hear I've got this rep. And so they're like, they can't believe I don't want to have sex with everyone in the world. They go, hey, guess what? You're my free pass. And I go, oh, that's nice. And they go, no, you're my free pass.

And I go, huh? And they go, you know what that means? I go, yeah. Do I get a vote? Cause I'm a hard pass on my side. So, or do I, I thought I got a, I thought I got a 50% vote in it because they think you're grabbing everybody. And I'm like, but I'm just like, it's all rep. It's all fake. It's all smoke and mirrors. Plus I'm an old man.

My mom told me today, she goes, she's visiting. She goes, oh, I like your beard like that. You know who you look like? And she can't think of it. She goes, he's a little older, but he's very good looking. And I go, right, right. And I'm like, Clooney, Brad Pitt. She goes, and then the other room, she goes, Clint Eastwood. I go, she goes, he's older now, but he just doesn't care. He's got his hair. He's got his beard. I go, what the fuck? He's 97. Yeah. I go, that's me. That's me. Oh, he's handsome. He's a famous. I go.

Sure. Paul used to say that to me when I was doing stand-up there. He goes, you're cute like George Burns. George Burns. He's 98. Yeah, no one's fucking George Burns. Don't give me that guy. George Burns.

But if I'll take men entertainers in their nineties for, no, you look, she could say maybe Pierce Bronson. Yeah. Or you look like Pierce Bronson. I don't mind being thrown together when my hair gets all screwed up and I got this white beard, but you know, I got bigger fish to fry right now. Actually, I don't, I look like shit. Uh, okay. Next one. Danny, like I was moving along. Oh, this thing is sickening. Don't play yet. This, if you saw this out in the world, I would, uh,

Crap me diapers. Let's see. This is a not a snake, folks. Whoa. It's a caterpillar. And it's that huge. Eight feet. Epping long. Wow. No chance. Would I not throw up?

Would you let it walk on you? In bed at night, you put the covers back in. Honey, there's a caterpillar in the room. Can you come kill it? Jesus. Yeah, but he's choking me and holding me up in the air. You'd have to kill it. I picture this big for a caterpillar. Three inches, two inches.

Well, does a caterpillar, I'm just trying to remember fifth grade science biology, does it turn into a butterfly or no? That thing's turning into a pterodactyl. I mean, it can't turn into anything except death. It's like a death machine.

What was the evolutionary advantage of having 7,000 feet as a caterpillar? Yeah. I mean, it's like evolution is going now more, more feet. Yeah. God got carried away. I don't know. It doesn't seem like it's helping a lot. Yeah. I feel like you're right because having 7,000 feet,

is it sounds fun but i'm sure like it's just a drag what if one of them what if one of your little legs breaks and the rest of them got to kind of do double time and what in nature looks at that and goes yummy yeah a grizzly bear it looked a little like a uh what has the hard shell aardvark looks a little bit like that all right dana before uh we move on to the next we have a guest but guess what look what i got in the mail oh oh

This is a plaque from YouTube because we just started, but YouTube, we got 100,000 subscribers over there leaving nice comments. Only nice ones, please. That's nice. Only compliments. Yeah. So we're already up to 125 by the time they sent this. So I don't know if that's a lot, but it sounds really good. It sounds exciting because we're new and we're plowing through. And then a lot of people leave comments, which is good. So sometimes I go in there and check them or...

And we don't push. We don't push. I see a lot of them like, hey, everybody out there, you'd be doing us a great favor in the podcast. Subscribe. Smash that subscribe button. Smash that fucking button. Smash that button. Smash that button. So let's just make it a thing. We've got 125. If we can get to 250 by Labor Day because of smashing...

smash the buttoning yeah we'll do we'll take requests all right also uh so thank you for that everybody and thanks for listening to it also uh so we've got a guest right now and we'll bring her on um you can introduce her but she's going to talk about what she does too Evie pump

Pampouras. She explains how to say her name, I hope. Evie Pampouras. And she's, her parents were Greek immigrants. Former Secret Service agent. Yeah. Will tell us all about what it entails. She did a lot of interrogations with people, with lie detector tests.

She did carry a gun and protect presidents and things like that. So it's a very interesting. Obama, Clinton, and was it Bush senior? Yeah, because former president, she would guard. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Also Bush senior. Almost all of them. Really? She did it actively. And then after they, you know, she explains the whole situation. Anyway, stick around here. She is right now. And there's Evie.

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Hey, guys. Good to meet you. Hi, Evie. I just want to know how you pronounce your last name because I didn't want to pronounce it wrong. I know. It's Greek. I'm sorry. If you say Pampouris, it's fine. Yes. I know what I'm talking about. It's close enough. It's close enough. Thank you, guys. Evie Pampouris. There you go. Yes. We got it. We got it. You're very excited to talk to you. We're 100% Greek, and we're happy to have you here. Thanks for coming on. Happy to be on, too. Huge fans of both of you, by the way.

Thank you. That's more like it. Thank you. Well, we're fascinated by you. I guess you would call a super achiever based on your resume. Go get her. Go get her books, TED Talks. So I don't know where to start. So I guess for people, this guest today, which we'll do an intro, but she was in the Secret Service.

Yeah. It's cool to have a job. The first word of your job is secret. It just already creates kind of a vibe. Can we ask you, so we'll try to ask you questions about your 12 years as a secret service agent, but if it, if it's not declassified, if it upsets the world order, you can say, I'm not, I had a friend in the NSA and I'd ask him questions and he'd always say, I'm not at Liberty to say that was his stock answer.

So, you know, Abby, I know a girl that dated a CIA agent and he said he could never call her. She couldn't call him. He has to call her. And then after about a year, she found out he was just married. So I think that can happen. That's a good scam, Dana. They just say, hey, you can't you can't ever call me. You can't text. There's a lot of folks who do that, actually. Oh, yeah, it's rude. Mm hmm.

Cause when we were growing up watching, yeah, because you were, this was a little while you started in 2000, I think. And so you were probably what percentage of the secret service was women. And was that a thing you had to deal with a little bit? Like, or was it pretty liberalized by then?

It was not. I think of all the agencies out there, it's probably the one that's the slowest to let women in and not to let them in, but to have a lot of women. I think a couple of things. One, most women don't put in for that job. A lot of it is protection. You're jumping in front of bullets for people. It's kind of not something I think that

most women can connect to. So I think that's one thing. And then the other part is just, because it's so physical, right? Because you have to physically not be able to just jump in front of a bullet, but you have to carry people, protect people. So I think those two things together kind of deter people from putting in. So I'd say when I got in,

maybe 98% male. But I'll be honest, like when I went in, I didn't really sit and do the math. In my head, I was like, this is amazing. If I can get in, who's better than me? So really, that's kind of the mindset I went in with. And the physical requirements, what level was it at? Did you have to get in and train for that to be able to...

jump in front of bullets. And, you know, because I know that we'll get to it a minute, but you became an interrogator as well, which is fascinating. Yeah. So the interrogation part came later in my career. But when you go through training now, I had actually gone into the NYPD right before. So they they managed to kick the crap out of me. It was actually really tough. I was surprised. I was thinking New York City cops.

Anybody can do it. I was really wrong. I was extremely wrong. They like demolished me. And so I think I had been prepared somewhat before I went into the service training. You have to think of service training as a bit more...

They get into the minutia. You have to not just be a great shot. You have to be like a truly excellent shot. Your driving has to be really, you know, they finesse everything. And they also handpick you. So by the time you get in, like they really put a lot of money into you. So they want to see you pass. I compare it like this. NYPD was fantastic.

1,500 recruits. U.S. Secret Service was 54 recruits. So really different beast. But the one thing that they do, which I think works really well to get people to perform, you do everything in front of each other. So if you suck, everybody sees you suck. And I think that

mentality. Even when you shoot, when we shoot, our targets are put up so close so you can really see how the other person shoots. And then when they score it in a really big black magic marker, they put your score. So I think that part of itself keeps people kind of in line, like, I better do a good job because not only may I get booted, but everybody sees that I'm not performing.

Sure. Well, what was the first time you got scared? So you get in there and you've got your secret clothes on. I don't know what Secret Service agents have besides their gun, but I don't know. You hide other things. You know, we don't know. Spray that make people tell the truth. So the first time you felt a little scared, were you in a situation or you were adrenalized? You maybe potentially had to use your weapon or did you not ever get in that kind of situation?

No, we, you know, in law, in the U.S. Secret Service, they do criminal investigations. That's actually why they were founded. It was for counterfeit money. April 14, 1865, the day President Lincoln was assassinated, he created the U.S. Secret Service. And it was actually to combat counterfeit currency because at that time,

A third of the money in the US was fake. They called it funny money. Well, we called it funny money, but it was all fake. So it was completely destroying the economy. So he created the service for that. So they started as an investigative agency. Then protection came later. So you would do a search warrants, arrest warrants. We did all of that stuff. In fact, in the beginning, that's really mostly what you do. So I think the first time I was

And I guess there's so many types of fears. I mean, I was afraid in training. I don't want to get cut. I don't want to humiliate myself. There's that fear. But in terms of other fear, I think the first time probably I pulled out my weapon and pointed it at another human being. Although you practice, practice, practice, there's this part of you that's thinking,

If he does this, am I willing to pull the trigger and then deal with the consequences of that? Because it's not like, it really isn't like the movies. You are taking another human being's life. And then everybody's going to Monday morning quarterback it. And you better hope you made the right call. So that part I think is- And this was in the lunch line? The lunch line. The first time she pulled her gun out was at the buffet. Okay.

She's like, I think I was in front of you, sir. I'm sorry, but do you yell something different? Because traditionally police officers would say freeze. Is freeze still around? Okay.

Would you say freeze? When you pulled your weapon, did you say, hey, mister, or what do you say? Or is it just the weapon? That's a really good question. So you don't say freeze anymore. Yeah. And it's a good question because legally, it's actually a really complicated thing because if you say the wrong thing and then you shoot, the other person could say, I didn't know it was police. So you must say- Police, identify. You have to say police. Because you could arguably be like, I don't know who that is. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

So you have to say, police, stop, or I will shoot. You have to say something where you actually say police. So you can't say freeze or anything like that because legally later on, they could come back and say they didn't identify themselves properly. So it's typically been police, stop. Police, stop, or I will shoot. You have to verbalize to them. And it's actually you verbalize the threat. The first line of defense, so to speak, or when you use...

physical, any type of physical weapon, non-lethal weapons, right, is your verbal command, stop or I will shoot. That's the first thing you must do. So David said that to me a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't really know what it meant, but sorry, these are the jokes. You go from that into protecting presidents, and that's a whole, because you did what, Bush, Clinton, Obama?

So I started under Clinton was president when I started. So I had as a sitting president, I had Clinton, then Bush Jr.,

and then President Barack Obama. But when you come in, everybody thinks you're going to get the president, which you don't. It's actually really hard to get a sitting president to protect. I had to wait seven years before I was allowed to even put my name in for that. You typically don't. It's just what people see. And then you do former presidents. So all the presidents, they get it for life. And their wives, they get it until they pass away. Okay.

So I've actually- Is that a fun gig or not good? So you probably protected George Sr. Yes.

who I was with a lot. Oh, you did George Sr.? Yes. Because they'd get it for life. And I did a lot of events with him and I was with them in Houston and on this patio once, Barbara and George. And there were four guys, it happened to be four men in men in black, kind of black tie suits. And there were four of them just near us. And then at a given moment, they walked off and then four more came in and they go, well, well, the next wave next. So there was, it's 24 sevens.

uh, guardian or president did. What did, what's the funniest thing? Did George W. Bush ever go? Would you like some gum? I mean, I'm just, did you have interactions like that when you're hanging out with these people for such a long time? Yes. It's interesting. Cause you have this, when, when you have the formers, when they become a former, uh,

the circle gets smaller. So you have a closer relationship with them. It becomes more family. When somebody is a sitting president, you have to think about the layers and layers and layers. It's almost like the celebrity, like who's the biggest celebrity and the entourage of people that they have around them. So when it's a sitting president, there's a lot more layers. There's less dialogue when it's a former like GW. I used to go to Texas all the time, the ranch. And he was very,

Even when he was present, he was very real. I actually had his daughter 24-7, Barbara P. Bush, his daughter. And so I would be around him a lot. So he would drive around the ranch. He would mountain bike. And he was very ingenuine, like the way you describe him. Like that's how he would talk to you. He'd be like, do you want this? Do you want gum?

I mean, yeah, he's got kind of I call it frat boy energy. Like he's got kind of a bouncy, friendly vibe to him. You know, like what's going on? How y'all doing? A Texas casualness, you know, he did. And Obama would have been a little more a little bit different. How are you doing? I'm just doing the president's heavy. How are you doing? What's up? That's pretty good. What's going on? Very good.

What's going on? When there's a president, how many people in your department are covering him at all times? We see people right next to him, but there's lead people, right? And then there's people behind. So what is the total number, do you think? It varies who it is and their threat level. And if they're a current president, current presidents just get everything. You just have to think they get it all. If you're looking at a former, it's, well, who is it?

Where are they to so protecting somebody, a former president? Think of it this way, a former president, GW, and then protecting former President Trump. So that's going to entail a very different lineup of people and resources. So protecting GW on the ranch in Texas, and he's pretty low key now.

Not too much going on protecting a president Trump, even if he wasn't running for office, let's say, but just in general with his persona and being in New York and going to Florida, that takes like a whole other entourage of people. So a lot of it is blending in. If, if the president of the United States, whoever is given a speech, uh,

And so there's security. If it's a big outdoor speech, and we don't really know how many, how many agencies are there, how many people are protecting the president, 50, 60, 100? I don't know. I mean, it must be quite a little...

I mean, that's the most or more so that because that's the ultimate nightmare for our security agencies is to have a president harmed. Don't want to jinx anything at a podium given a speech. I mean, so the redundancy of protection must be massive. The real protection you see, like the guys in the suits, that's called the shift.

You have to think of it, they're the last line of defense. So if something gets to them, that means everything else that was put into place just completely gone. When Reagan got shot, that was...

Some shifty's were there, right? Yeah. I know the lingo.

to make sure the bullet actually hits you and doesn't accidentally miss you. How do you practice that move? I mean, do you have rubber bullets and you have things? I know how to do it. Well, he gets a lot of hecklers. He has a big security detail. I also make my cheeks blown up.

Do you have a lot of hecklers and stuff? No, I'm kidding. We have hecklers and we have, you know, there's been a few comics that have been, when people rush the stage, you don't, again, you don't know what they're doing. 90% are fans, just like in a concert, music concert. But I think we had Chappelle had a guy, one guy had a knife. You just don't know. They're like, hey, I'm your biggest fan, blam, blam, blam. So, yeah.

You don't know what people are thinking. So I think the idea is don't get up on stage. And if they do, I think the new normal is you have to strike first if you're the comic. That's what I would do. I think if someone comes up, I don't wait anymore. It's like, oh, let's see how this goes. I think they know in this day and age, you're not going to wait to see if it's good or bad news. You're just going to try to keep them awake.

Well, I just, I just run. I just run off the stage. I don't stand my ground. If I look at the edge of the stage and there's a drunk guy who's bigger than me and he's approaching the microphone, I don't stand my ground. I let other people do it. You don't want to play out. But if I had to, I take the mic stand as a weapon. I'm not exactly an imposing physical figure, but it's when you're out in the real world, is that the right thing? Are we doing a sock? Do you have a knife in your sock? Like I do.

So now because I'm a former, the rules change. I used to carry what we called a buck knife. And honestly, I had it for things like cutting off a seatbelt, cutting somebody out of, you know, some kind of, you know, thread or wire. Like I had it for all that little stuff. I live in New York and now there's rules. There's like laws. I think it's more than three inches. You can't

carry it. But frankly, if I had to, I don't really carry it on me per se, because you also have to be comfortable with fighting somebody close quarters. It was interesting as you guys were talking about being on stage. I wonder if they should be, this is my secret service hack going on. They should be putting people through magnetometers. Like when I think of that, like that way they pick up any weapons or devices on them because you're right. People are coming in. And so

You don't know what they have on them. And a lot of the folks that would come like on a daily basis, people would come to the white house and they would come in. And the majority of people have, we call them, they have special interests in someone we're protecting and it would range across the board. And you would see it a lot with celebrities or people who are just of, you know, uh,

status out there. And it draws a lot of folks with mental health issues too. So you don't know also what you're dealing with, what the capability is.

And Dana, you're right. If you see something, I would do the same. I would go let the, let the guys who know what to do, deal with it. Don't you guys are right. I would not sit and wait. Cause you know, no. And, and in today's world, if you, someone cuts you off in traffic and you want to get in a physical, well, not physical, but argue with them. Too many people have weapons today.

Bam, bam, bam. You don't care if you're six, eight, whatever. That's the great equalizer. You know, one thing I want to ask you, because I found it fascinating that you kind of applied your expertise or you're learning to be an interrogator. And that's a whole other fascinating thing. And you've written books about your personality.

Uh, let's say becoming bulletproof. So it all dovetails into how to read the room, how to present yourself in a corporate setting. It's a sort of a whole thing, but just what makes a great intake interrogator? Cause we've all seen that in the movies, you know, good cop, bad cop or whatever tactic, but you had to learn how to read body language and all that. What was that experience like?

I didn't want to do it actually when they asked me to become a, it's a polygraph examiner. So we had a polygraph unit. It's about 30 agents and it was like really the elite of the elite when it came to interviewing. And your job was when all else failed, you had to go in and try to get information when everybody else tried and they couldn't. And it was all, it's a lot of responsibility. And then everyone's watching you through the glass too. So everyone's kind of, so you have to,

You're worried about your colleagues and am I doing this right? Then you have a person in the room. The stuff you see on TV does not work. So when you get in people's faces and look, if you talk to people like garbage, you get garbage. It just in general. So if I sit there and I tell you, you did this and you did that and you're going to go to jail and you're going to go to prison if you don't tell me what you did.

How do you think of it from just a common sense standpoint? Why is that person going to tell me if I just told them all the reasons that

all the things that are going to happen to them if they tell me. And the way you get real confessions is you actually get something called admissions. So I'm not going to come at you and say, did you do this? And this works for anything. I mean, I use this stuff on my agent and manager. I have one of those today. So I use all these techniques, but if you want to get to the truth, you get people to give you admissions to, to little things. So for example, if let's just take it back to the criminal level, if you want to know if somebody committed a

a murder. You're not going to say, did you kill her? You're going to pull back. Well, you know, and you're going to try to get them to admit admission. If maybe they knew her, had they met before, then I'm going to try to get you to admit, were you in the area when it happened? Then I'm going to try to get you admit, did you ever talk to her on the phone? And so what you do is you get that person incrementally

to be comfortable, to give you a little bit, a little bit, a little bit. And then as they do that, you have all these admissions and that's what puts the picture together. And it also helps you see like, it's a very good chance. It's either going to escalate whether they did it or not, or it's going to help you see that. Hmm. I don't think so. So you charm them. What I'm curious about the polygraph, you charm them basically. And you're charming. You're not what they would charm and disarm.

Charm and disarm. You're looking at the polygraph test. Have you ever seen the needle move so big that you thought to yourself, holy shit, this guy is foolish. He's lying his ass off. And how can you beat a polygraph test? Two questions. So it's hard to beat one. I'll start with the latter one. I would have people, it's called, they do countermeasures. So a lot of folks would try to prepare for polygraph. You know what's interesting? You know who would do the most countermeasures? It was people who wanted to be Secret Service agents.

Because we used to, you had to take one to pass one or multiple ones to be an agent. So I used to do all those too. So the guys would come in, they would put thumbtacks in their shoes. They go online and research stuff. So they put a tack in their shoe.

So when you ask them a question, they hit the tack. And so it would spike on questions that they thought it shouldn't spike on. It's just a whole thing. Or, I mean... The old tack in the shoe trick. Yes. When I asked Dana if he does a good set and it spikes...

And then, cause I know he's lying. And then he starts stomping on a thumbtack. This has played out many times with me and Dana. They also, that's pretty funny. And they also do, I mean, this one's funny, but people do it. They also, they'll clench their butt cheeks. They'll tighten their butt cheeks to cause their body to have some type of reaction. So we actually, I had a mat that I would put on the seat and the job of the mat was to see whether somebody was

Clenching. Clenching. The old clenching the box. All these tricks of the trade. Has anyone ever ripped the thing off and just started screaming, I did it. I did it. I wish. I wish. Does someone go in first and say, listen, you might as well tell me because if I bring Evie in here, it's not going to be pretty. She's the bad cop. I'm the good guy. Do not let Evie come in here.

It doesn't work. Bad cop, good cop. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. Only in the movies. It's great on television. It doesn't work. Yeah, that's a good one. No, I mean, we would keep it neutral. And to be fair, when I would come in, I really had to like leave. Like a case agent would come and I would actually travel the country and help even local police departments in the U.S. And sometimes I'd go overseas. They had like a big case. In the U.S., we have about

We have thousands of police departments and they all have their own commissioner. They have their own resources, their training. And if you look at the data, actually, about half the police departments have 10 officers or less. So they don't have

They don't have the resources. So they would ask for help, which I think was very smart of them. They say, can you come in? So, but they didn't know often who they were going to get. And when you would come in, I didn't want them to know anything about me, not even my name, nothing. You'd come in, you'd be an objective seeker of the truth, but also keep in mind too, I had to come in because sometimes,

The police would say, my colleagues would say, this guy did it. We're looking at this guy or gal. And I would come in, I'd say, you know what? It's actually not them. Because sometimes I'd have people pass. And then I would do my assessment and I would say, this person cleared everything. You're looking at the wrong person. How'd that go over?

And for the NYPD, what do you mean we're looking at the wrong person? Listen, Miss Evie Papadaros, whatever your name is, this is the NYPD. When I read a polygraph test, I know what it says. Okay. Capisce? Anyone ever say that to you? You are a hundred percent right with the NYPD. Cause I was one. Actually, that's how they, um, did you ever have to go? Yeah, we, we, we, I get what she's saying. Hey, uh,

Would you like to get, maybe sometime get a cup of coffee? Were you ever asked out by a cop? Sure. I mean, you play like most of the time, the way you do it is you disengage it. Or I would use humor. Like, you know, humor is great to disengage people and to let people down nicely.

So I would lose a lot of humor. I became very funny as an agent. What was your comeback line? Hey, we'd like maybe go out for, you know, a glass of beer sometime or something, you know, our shucks, you know, if I could get your number, it'd be even easier. And then you would say,

Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. I play dumb and I appreciate it. I'm like, actually, tomorrow, President Bush is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or I actually have to fly out. That wins. I'm guarding the president. I'd love to have coffee with you, Sergeant O'Malley. The president needs me. Yeah. I have to stay home and practice jumping in front of a bullet in the mirror. So, yeah.

I have to get it right. I got to make sure I'm really big. So when you did your Ted talk, I'm just curious about this. I was called your most powerful weapon.

Words. Words are your most powerful weapon. Words? You mean our stock in trade is the most powerful weapon? Thank you. When I first went into the NYPD, Sergeant Corrigan, he got up there and he did his thing. Sergeant Corrigan. Exactly. He's like, everybody, I'm going to tell you that if you go through your entire career and you never use your weapon, he said, by my account, you've had a great career.

Because this is your most powerful weapon, not this. And he would point his sidearm. And it's true. Most law enforcement don't use, I think 99 point something percent never use their weapon. Well, they get crucified after. Yeah. It's so hard to be a cop is so tough. Oh my God. And the body cams. I mean,

They can get beat up, but they can't fight back. There's like a million things going on out there that just see and you go, it just, and people go, the cops aren't in as good a shape as they used to be. I'm like, well, who's signing up to be a cop? Low money, get screamed at and beat up every day. And then, but they're the first ones you call. It's tough out there.

It's true. You're going to have less people, especially there's talks about, whereas, so if I get, if I would get into a shootout, I actually had insurance. I had insurance the way doctors have. I had insurance that way. If something happened and I got sued, I would be covered. I paid that diligently every year. Good old shootout insurance. Okay. If I did something or it didn't even have to shoot someone, I could arrest someone. And if they said I used too much force or anything like that.

Yeah. It's hard. And even with the body cams, I want you to think about what job out there makes you wear body cam. Like you're the whole time you're working. There's no job out there that, that does that to you. So even just psychologically, like you can't ever. Oh yeah. A video of a report card live in real time of how your job is going. That can blast all over the worldwide media. If there's anything irregular. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But you have this career now where you're talking just about how to apply this to life basically. So words is a big, big part of it. And then also just how to read the room, how to own your power. Is that kind of the thesis of your book? Yeah. So becoming bulletproof, you know, what happened is people would write into me like, how do I this? How do I that? And

You know, it's hard to answer somebody in a text or a message. And I found also using all the stuff that I learned in my day-to-day, even after I left. I use this stuff with my students. I use it when, you know, I'm doing a news deal with a network or something. And so it helped me so much. And it really helps, I don't want to say steady me, but it kind of did. I grew up in the service and I had, you go through this training and it really helped

helps elevate the way you think and the way you problem solve. And so I broke it down in the book. First part of the book's protection, protection 101. It's everything you need, physical protection, mental protection, even shielding yourself from people. And I would think, you know, it's interesting. A lot of folks like,

Celebrity folks, that's probably something you probably had to master from the very beginning because as your name starts to get more relevant, your image, people start coming at you and you have to do what? You have to start buffering who has access to you, what they're taking from you. There's a rhythm. It's almost like you have to...

how to read them, who's genuine, who's not. So you're doing all this, these mental gymnastics. And that's really important, I think, for a lot of folks. So there's that part of it. Part two is just reading people, body language, verbal language. I don't know if people are lying to you, just giving people the best tools they can. Because I think

One, I think what also helped me is with confidence, at least when I'm looking at someone and I know what I'm looking at, that boosts up my confidence in that. If I know what I'm looking at, then I know how to behave or handle that person. What's hard is like, I don't know what this guy's about.

I can't read them well. And then you don't know what to do. And that's really hard. And then the last part of the book was influence. How do you get people to be less combative, to be more in alignment with what you want them to do? And truly, you can use this across the board. I use it on everyone.

But it's genuine, though. It's a way for you to really understand human nature, human psychology, read people, and then also protect yourself. And look, I'm a champion of humanity, but also not everybody means you well. And it's our responsibility to know that, to pay attention. Dana's black shirt is a power move. This is all I wear.

Black is actually, if you look at agents, they all wear, if you look at their suits, when they're in suits, it's black.

Dark gray or navy. Nothing else. You're not allowed to wear anything else. And a white shirt, dark tie. White shirt or light blue shirt like yours, David. Like David. Yeah. Okay. Because the dark colors exude strength, authority. I wore purple for you guys because you guys are a bit more in a different space. I thought I could be a little bit more festive. Purple pops. Anyway, well, it's been so much fun talking with you and we wish you

I hope that this was part of your day of doing what you want to do today. You spent this time with us. So thank you, David. Thank you, Abby. And I think I learned a lot and I didn't know a lot, but it's fun to talk to you and hear about that whole world that we never hear about. Yes. Well, thank you guys. You guys were a blast too. And I appreciate you guys having me on. Our pleasure. All right. Thank you. Take care guys.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.