SUPERFLY #22 - Chaos, Hawk Tuah, & Dating Advice w/ Lovitz
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's... Because they're naked? Well, it's like the 1800th time you say, on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there, I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it? This year, Dell Technologies' back-to-school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

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- I have a question for you too. - Oh boy. - I saw this video of this girl and she goes, "I'm a furry." And then she goes, "Here's how I talk to my friends. So if I'm happy, I'm like meow. If I'm angry, I go . Do you think that human beings that identify as cats are actually cats? I don't, but do you? - John, give us your best face.

Go toward the camp. No. You're a handsome man. Oh. Handsome man. That's pretty good. It's like Master Thezvian with the one eye. I just realized that. Doesn't he kind of lazy eye and one eye is kind of open? Master Thezvian. Hello. Very handsome man. Now the world's ugliest man. The happiest man. The saddest man. This has been Superfly. And this has been John Loves. Oh. The quizzical man.

Okay, you're passed. Curious. Why is he doing what we're telling him? I don't know. I like it though. Someone who has to poo. Oh, that's your regular face. I'm just trying to make John happy. Someone who bought the worst covering of a couch in history.

Oh, that's your regular face because it's right behind you. That belongs in a Native American casino. Where do you live in a teepee? Welcome to Superfly. Welcome to Superfly. I want to hear about Dana's gig this weekend and then we'll get to you in about 40 minutes. Go ahead. Well, first of all, I just want to tell about my adventure at McDonald's.

Okay. Driving today. I go in the bathroom. The urinal is running just all over the floor. Oh, that's where you go. And it won't stop running. Then I go through the drive-thru, and there's a guy where you pay, and he doesn't move. There's two cars, and a guy where you pay doesn't move for 25 minutes. What?

And it's behind us. No one's honking. So I go, finally, I get to go up there and the woman says, we don't have receipts. We have no receipts.

So that guy was fighting for upset. He couldn't get a receipt for his Big Mac. What kind of accountant at the end of the year says, I've got this bill from McDonald's and Gilroy, and I've got no goddamn receipt. Do you want to get audited, bitch? And that's your best friend is your accountant. You red flag motherfucker. Yes. I have a McDonald's story when you said the guy didn't move.

There was a guy, I was late, I was getting breakfast, and the guy in front of me, for 10 minutes, he's ordering. I got so frustrated, I yelled, I go, pick a number for God's sake, it's McDonald's. And the guy spazzes out. And I'm like, he has Tourette's? So now we get, he goes to pay. And now I just want to see him do it again, so I scream. I go, hurry!

And he goes, I don't know. Just goes nuts. I'm laughing my head off. I drive up. I said to the guy, I go, what's wrong with that guy? What do you have special needs? Yeah. Oh, rude. Did you hold him like a baby after that? Give him a kiss on the cheek and say, yeah, the guy nursed him. You know, the guy said in the car behind you, does that guy have special needs? No, he had Tourette's. It was very funny.

I have a McDonald's story. Everyone has one. Great. Okay, go, David. So I'm in line at McDonald's driving through

And there's a kind of a, not a hobo, but whatever. Is John looking at himself? John's admiring himself. In the Zoom? What a loser. Yeah, he turned his chin and he smiled. Focus on my fake story. Let's hear your fake McDonald's story. I'm just trying to get in the game with you guys. So I wait and there's a guy sleeping under the, where you order fine, you know.

So I say, I go quarter pound with cheese. I go a hot apple pie diet Coke. And then I hear he stands up and leans in and goes and some fries. And he jumps back and I go, no, that wasn't me. That wasn't me. That, that,

And then I, how many times does that work in a day where then I go up to get my food and I'm going to be like, that was you. That was you at a filet. Oh, wait, who are you? Wait a sec. But it worked. I got his fries. They put them in. And then when he came up the window, I gave him his fries. But what a good scam does that all day. And that guy was Dana. That was Rob Schneider. What?

That's not true. Dana, you eat like a health nut. What were you doing eating at McDonald's? I'm just shocked you were there. Well, because I was on the road and I was in a hurry and my car kept saying, pull over, you're driving erratic. So I just needed some quick carbohydrates. I got an A McMuffin. Your car said that.

Well, yeah. Hey, what'd you think about pulling over? The funny thing about, I played a casino this past weekend and I went to get room service before the show. I was doing two shows and they go, Oh, I'm good. I'm going to have to call the front desk. And so they call the front desk. Then two people called back on the phone and said, I'm sorry, you can't order room service.

And I go, I didn't want to say, well, I'm headlining the casino. Fucking Dan Garney. So I was the only person in the hotel. It was a thousand people that could not order room service. But I'm not bitter. They say why? I think it's because when I got there, I pulled out, I said card for incidentals. I had two friends with me and she waved me off. No, no, no. Everything's on the house. That's why you're taking care of.

They said we have food vouchers and they would find my friend in the casino. They chased him down in the casino. You're with Dana Carvey. Have you picked up your vouchers? Where's your voucher? You've got to have your voucher. Go, Dana.

Um, if they stand up at the end, is that a good thing or I want to hear more about the vouchers? Oh, here's your vouchers. No, I mean, I, I think it's great to have vouchers. I mean, but I know I eat John. Luckily you don't have your earplugs in two shows, John, two, John, I know we can't hear you as the problem.

Yeah, you can. Why doesn't he have the earphones in? That's what normal people have. Because I can hear him without them. You sound like you're in an aquarium. Why do I need them? I can hear them without them. It'll make this sound better for us. All right. Are you going to admire... John is admiring him. I like when he preens and primps. For the people who are listening to this podcast, John cannot stop admiring himself. Actually, do you have ring lights? You do look pretty good. Do you have some better light?

No, I just, I lost some weight. So I'm very, I think I look better. You look nice. You do. You look good. I have, I'm going to go back to McDonald's. I have one more thing while John is printing. Okay. Wait, David, just quickly. So John, so you don't, you don't have headphones. That's the answer. Or earbuds. Earbuds. No, I can hear, I can hear you. It's not that. It's we're, we're getting an echo from you.

We have to keep all this because people need to know what we deal with. People have to know. John does not want to put in his earbuds because he's admiring himself. He's lost a few pounds. He looks great. Yeah. And I can't stand it. I don't like the new John. Yeah. It's like guys that have a bright window behind them. They go, I can see you fine. You go, we can't see you. If you put him in, John, then your sound won't drop out when we talk. Put it in.

Quit acting so put out by this. He's like, oh, this is a great episode. I like this episode because this is the real. This silly bitch. I like it there right there. This bitch. This little bitch was playing bitch games with us. Look at those. If it's Joe Rogan, he's like, I have five headphones I'll wear. I'm a human headphone, Mr. Rogan. Whatever I'm told.

You don't like this couch? I'll cut it up with a knife. Can you hear me, Princess Leia? Look at his face. Princess Leia, can you hear me? Oh, my God. This is Harrison Ford. Now I look like Princess Leia from Star Wars. That's what I just said. Please, let's keep all this. It just shows what I have to deal with.

First comes headphones. You remind me of that. Of that other character, Chew Cocka. David's happy, period. He's awfully moody. Who, me? What? Let the blood flow. I'm a nibbler, Dana, and I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up.

They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells. Flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Salt, sea salt, vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah. Look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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I don't like when I, well, first of all, when I go to McDonald's, I say, do you have the filet? I say, wait, hang on. When I go to McDonald's, I go, what's the filet of fish of the day? I go, yesterday, I think it was a branzino. Oh.

Oh, it's a big laugh. Yeah. And then other thing is, which reminded me at a restaurant last night, I like fish. And guys, tell me if I'm way off. I like fish. I like big fish and I cannot lie. I smell my glass. And if anything smells fishy, it makes me sick. So I do like fish in quotes, but even... Can you wait...

For the end or anything? Let me get the punchline out. I took a joke ruining class. It's like, when do I cough? At the punchline? Yeah. Oh, that's perfect. So this is a real story. So-

If I eat fish and it's fishy, I don't like that. You know what I'm saying? Like, if it smells, you go, this smells fishy, even though it's fish. You fucking assholes. I hate you both. David, don't order Branzino. It's made in a lab. It's like an artificial, smelly, fucking freak of a fish. Never order Branzino. Why are we focusing on this part of the joke?

Everything's gone sideways. I didn't want to interrupt you, but I kept thinking for the last minute while you're going for your punchline. Branzino, don't ever order Branzino. It's made in a lab. Lauren told me that. It's made in a lab. It's for rookies. Okay, so that's that bit. And maybe we should do some headlines. Let's talk about some headlines because then we'll have something to talk about. I have one question. Okay.

I think you guys said this is a, they can hear it, but they can't see it. This podcast. No, no, they can. No, you can see it on YouTube. That's why your bits are playing. So that's why. Yeah. You look great, John. Did you get a little, little, little help? Did you get a little help?

We're going to show things that are happening in the news. John, feel free to cough or tell a joke. For people driving, this is a picture of Justin Timberlake. Sorry, David, go. My only comment, he did get an inordinate amount of press for this. I will say...

He looks great and he almost looks too good. And now I'm getting mad about it because every blurry headshot I see in the paper, it looks like it was taken through a shower curtain. He has a fucking ring light. This is like if Kim K got pulled over. Remember when she went to the DMV, she took 27 practice pictures with a ring light to get her license. This has five of that, which I'm not hating. I would do it.

He looks good. It was, they were piling on too much, too much. He was going five miles an hour. No one got hurt. I, I, it feels like I, I read cause I'm all up on the tabloids that they told him beforehand. Don't drive. The police said, Hey, maybe you should, but let's say that's rumors. And then he gets this cover of Rolling Stone headshot taken by Mark Seliger and then his tour went up, his sales went up. So.

It's always, he looks great. He doesn't look like a, some kind of homeless alcohol. It looks great. John, whenever you're ready to jump in. Well, I read, he said he had one martini and that was it. And so my question is, if that's true, then why did he refuse the breathalyzer test?

But that being said, I've met him many times. He's a very nice guy. I knew someone would throw that in. I knew someone would say he's a great guy. No, he is. Of course. We all like him.

He's a super nice guy. I take him at his word. I met him at the 40th and the 30th. That's a lot. I met him at the 20th. The guy can sing and dance, and he's very funny on SNL, too. I met him in the 90s when he was dating Britney Spears. Did you? I came off an elevator at a hotel, and he and Britney Spears were standing in the hallway talking. Spears.

spears that's a that's a great story that's a that's a terrific story john they were in the hallway talking david yeah i got off the elevator and there they were i know that's an that's an incredible story save it for ellen now listen what about oh let's show that next one that's the party greg you have that one that's the party i want to show this thing look at jerry jerry are you guys on your way to the dentist i don't want to keep you

Look at Jerry's tooth. John takes good care. Oh! John Lovitz from the 90s? Ah, shit. We can start with this one. Okay. This is Debbie Gibson's 18th birthday. He's a rager. Okay, go back. Oh, I think it was an Ed DeBevics. Okay, that's... Wait, is that Will Wheaton? Oh, maybe. And Alyssa Milano. Okay, next one. Is that...

We should have started with puppets. That is Baywatch. Yeah, her name is Baywatch. And they hired her on the show. Is that Nicole Eggert? Yes. Yes. Okay, keep going. Next one. That's Joe Piscopo. William Zabka. No. That's... No, that is... That's Joe Biden. No, that's Brian Robbins.

Okay. Who's Steve? That's the girl from Can't Buy Me Love, I think. Remember that show? That movie with Patrick? 1988. Get ready for this mic dropper coming up. Are you ready for this? Okay. Yeah. By the way, look at your lovely wife, Paula. You don't have to show this one if you don't want, but

Lovely Paula and Dana. She's adorable, but it's a bit of an odd picture of her, but yeah. Look at the comments on the side. Someone goes, when I saw the caption, I said, no way Lovett's got the invite. Look at the other one. It says, the most unexpected Lovett.

Yeah, because this website, it shows all these events. From the 90s. And I'm like at all of them. And it's the big joke. That's right. Now, by the way, in fairness, I was a. I used to go out a lot. They were fun. It was really fun back then. Look at this. It says I miss celebrities with normal teeth because everyone has veneers. I know. All right. Go to the next one. Let's see who else there.

Oh, that's Tammy. Tammy Knopfler. I made it up. Oh, it's Tammy Faye Baker. It's Tammy Knopfler, not Faye Baker. So that's who? Go ahead, John. Who is it? Oh, Shannon. OK. Yeah. Our boy. Our boy. Anthony Michael Hall. John, you are on the show with him. Is that Anthony Michael Hall, John? No, it doesn't look like him.

Maybe it is. He looks different. I'm not sure. I think it is. Yeah. Oh, it is? I think that's it. Okay. Now, that's Debbie Gibson. She had the hoop earrings and the kind of boy George hat on. By the way, there's no one could have stopped me from wearing that. Ellen DeGeneres. That's now from Karate Kid. Oh, no, I was just kidding.

Look at on the right. And the guy says, the most unexpected Lovett's appearance. I apologize for underestimating his attendance rate. That's pretty funny. John Lovett's could be found anywhere, anytime. Six floors underground. I said this website, they show every event from, and apparently I was at like almost every single one. Listen, I was a premier whore too. I had fun though, a lot of fun.

I went to premieres more than I went to parties, but I'd go to like True Lies. I'd go to frickin' Matrix, whatever. It was fun, right? Well, if you're on SNL, how many shows did you do on SNL? 130 or something, David? Oh, me? Probably six years, 120. Yeah, so every show, as people know, has an all-night party with giant celebrities dropping in. Really? Well, I remember Sting just watching it. You were invited, weren't you?

Oh, yeah. John, remember you were on the show. It was from 85 to 90. Oh, yeah. Yes. You had hit characters. Remember the Master Thespian? Yes. But also sometimes the host would say, hey, come to my premiere if you guys are in L.A. next week. And so they did the show. So you go, okay, we'll go to your premiere. Right? Well, Willie Nelson invited us to Texas. This was my first season to play golf.

That was really nice. I didn't get that in. He was very nice. He's got a memory. I saw him at this event. He goes, John, last time I saw you was at Saturday Night Live. I was about to say it. I go, oh, yeah, you remember. Then I saw him 20 years later. He goes, last time I saw you was at that event 20 years ago. He remembered that. That shows you that cannabis does not affect your memory. He remembers everything.

Yeah. I'd show another one. This might be the coach one of that one. Oh, this is funny. Oh, we'll go back to the original girl. Do you know who the Hawk 2E girl is, Dana? No. Okay. It's a girl that's kind of blowing up right now because they interview these people when they're drunk outside of a bar.

And people always say dumb things. It's the oldest trick in the book. Smart. And then the YouTuber gets all the views and all the attention. But this. And the question was. Heather is popping up. The question was, which they'll do. This is the original. Well, how do you do? What do you do to keep your man? Satisfy your man in bed. The first girl says, oh, I'm enough for. And then the other girl just jumps in and says this.

One move in bed that makes a man go crazy every time. Oh, you gotta give him that. Okay, so. Look at Dana's horrified. What'd you say? Are you sure she surfaced with merch?

I saw a picture of her signing a merch hat. Oh, her? Yeah. Oh, you should have sent it in. Yeah, well, she, so she's on every, most famous person in the world right now. Of course, we want her to come on here and talk about her. I think she's a teacher because look at this. There's probably 1 million follow-up memes to this. Here's just one of them.

Because everyone keeps playing that video. Okay, okay.

Anything could seem funny out of context. That's Sean Penn. Name of the movie, John? Oh, my God. With the Clint Eastwood movie, I think. It was called Is My Daughter In There. That was the title of the movie. No, wasn't that the one where Tim Robbins is a little slow? Sleepers. Yeah. No. The one where he won an Oscar. What was that one called?

Oh, a river runs through it. River runs through it. No, that's Robert Redford up in Montana. Mystic River. Mystic River. Mystic River. Mr. Rogers.

I got it wrong. No, the working title was, is that my daughter in there? The working title was part three. I made Sean laugh. I ran into him. I go, Sean, what, you know, you're such a nice guy. Then I watched this movie. All of a sudden you're like stabbing Tim Robbins. I go, what is wrong with you? Spoiler. Hmm.

I like when people go, don't tell me now I can't watch. I couldn't differentiate between a movie and real life. This might be her. This might be her. She's young, but she's a teacher. She immediately got fired because of that Hawk too. Ethan. Yeah. Here she is at a Burt Kreischer show. No, uh,

Yeah, because the whole thing is Jack Black. Oh, that does look like Jack. Jack has a nice big beard right now. Oh, yeah. We got to get Jack Black on. Yeah. David, can you talk about the Bruce Lee on your wall? Is that on a skateboard? You know, funny story. You know, not really a funny story. That was a present.

And the one over there is my brother has a company called Jack Spade. Obviously they used to have Kate Spade. So Jack Spade was the men's line and he made just a handful of Jack Spade. Skateboard sent me one. And then cause I'm a fucking skater, skater boy. And then I got that Bruce Lee one from one of our friends and it's great. So I put it up. It's kind of cool, but I don't use them. It's more artsy.

Look at John just staring. He asks a question, then he falls asleep. I'm listening. I'm listening and not interrupting. How was John Lovitz? He was a great listener. Oh, my gosh. Here, I'll wake John up. Here's a Japanese man in an earthquake. Oh, boy.

I guess it's okay. Oh my gosh. No, John. I like John's not interrupting. I don't know what to do. I can't win. All right, here's another one. So look at in this universe, Kevin in Home Alone. Remember Trump was in it as a cameo? Here's the cameo if Biden was in it.

Excuse me, where's the locker? Thanks.

No. Heather's going, no. No. That's not right. I think it was too loud. It was fucking grosser than I remember. Well, there's rumors that he does have a flatulence problem. That McCrone's wife had to literally back off. She almost passed out. She goes like this. He was giving a speech. Yeah, because of flatulence, they said he crapped his pants. Yeah.

I know. He went to Europe to make peace. Instead, he shit his pants and passed out. He made poops. No. Come on. Remember when George Bush threw up on the...

Oh, the guy in Japanese guy. Could I tell a short thing about that? Yeah. Yeah, tell a short thing. There was an article in the New York Times, Marine Dowd, said they're running Joe too hard. So part of Joe being tired, just to defend him a little bit, he's 82, they fly him to Europe.

Then they fly him back to do an event in New York. Then they fly him to Italy. Then they, these are all just in a few day period. Then they find me gases up in Newark and gases up. Then he flies to an event. That's where Obama pulled him off the stage. So you got to slow down. Ronald Reagan,

A summit in Japan took a week to go there. Nancy insisted so he'd be rested. They flew to California. They went to the ranch. They rode horses. Hawaii, Guam, they surfed, they relaxed. He showed up rested. George Bush Sr. went over there flying too hard, so then he threw up. So they got to slow Joe down. Don't whip a guy like that around the globe. Jet lag is a mofo. Can he sleep on the plane? They have a bed. You could sleep on the plane.

I'm sleep during the story. It was more informational. Slow Joe down. I agree. They packed him in ice and gave him two B-12 shots this week to rest for the debates, which was last night. They packed him in ice in the back, like of a ship, like of a tuna boat. They put Joe in the back of a plane. Let me ask you guys, do you think that the candidates will have earpieces in their ears telling them what to say?

You mean from the debate that happened last night? Yeah, the big debate last night. Do you think they had your... Last night? Well, this comes out Friday. We can edit this. Last night? So, John, let's start again. You mean the debate from last night? Yeah, that one. You know, I have to say, though... That's the ticket. This reminds me of when they say... It's not special.

Go ahead, Dave. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. I'll always stay quiet for a catchphrase. Okay, so the Biden gets to pick. Is it true that he gets to pick? It reminds me of a Jake Paul fight where you go, okay, so, you know, Jake Paul fight Tyson. He gets to pick the judges, makes the rules off. It's always harder. But listen, I just want to see a fair fight. I just want to see an actual fight. Yeah.

I just want to see an actual fair fist fight. From last night's debate? Yeah. Oh, yeah. From the debate, I already saw. I saw a great... The most generic way we could say it is like, it was something else. Trump was going crazy. It was a real... That was... Shit went down. Biden was okay. A lot of surprises. Pretty interesting. They came out swinging. They both were talking. They both said a lot of things.

They've said very little with a lot of words. They both had some misses, had some hits. Jealous? Jealous. What if it turned out that they both just took last bowel control, but we haven't seen it, so we don't know? We're doing everything we can and we're working. We're doing everything we know how to do. We're doing it and we're going to do more of it.

I'm sorry, did both candidates have the Branzino from McDonald's? Yeah, because of... Come on, you gotta do it. It's better, sir. I could go to bed with her. I told you I'm punchy. I'm so sorry. I apologize, John. Dana drove six hours. Okay, show one more story, then we'll do advice and get John out of here. This counts as a show. I don't want to leave.

You know, Dana, I think we have a connection. We've been friends for a long time. And for this episode of Fly on the Wall, we've partnered with eHarmony, which isn't us. eHarmony is a dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. We are not dating. I want to clarify that. But the connection is what you want in a dating partner.

just someone like, if you found someone that listened to this podcast, that's somewhat of a connection. And then you sort of build on that. You want someone with some common ground. Yeah. It's not, it, look, if you want to connect romantically over, you know, super fly or fly on the wall, uh,

It just makes us happy. You don't want to be watching The Godfather and the person next to you goes, this movie sucks. You want to- So dumb. Yeah. You want to connect on all issues and harmonize in life. Similar sensibility, similar sense of humor, and similar sense of sense. I don't like when they watch The Godfather and they're like, everyone in this movie is so old. I'm like, they're 40.

Watch 2001 Space Odyssey. Too much of this movie is in outer space. I don't like it. When do they land? When do they land? Why is that stupid red light acting so silly? Who's friends with a robot? We know dating isn't easy. That's why we partnered with eHarmony because dating is different on eHarmony. They want you to find someone who gets you, someone you can be comfortable with.

Yeah. I mean, the whole idea is you're going to take a compatibility quiz, helps your personality come out in your profile, which makes all the profiles on eHarmony way more interesting and fun to read. So I think this is the goal of dating sites, and I think eHarmony does it great. It's just finding somebody you're compatible with.

So get started today with a compatibility quiz so you can find some and you can be yourself with.

Get who gets you on eHarmony. Sign up today. Dana, the road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories. Oh, yeah. Or it can be short and thrilling or somewhere in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring is straightforward path every time. All you got to do is head over to good old BlueNile.com. Good news, David, on BlueNile.com.

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Yeah, because it's such a nice ring. It's an unmarked thing, but then it says Blue Nile somewhere. Yeah. She goes, oh, you couldn't have. You wouldn't have spent that much. Oh, this has got to be a trick. This is too nice. Yeah, no. Right now, get 30% off. Select Lab Grown Diamonds on BlueNile.com. Plus, use code FLY, very important, to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. What is it?

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- Well, we've never seen these. - Okay. - Hey Dana and David, Brooks Lawrence here from Washington, DC. Big fan, been a huge fan for a long time now since the SNL days. I'm 37 years old and I still haven't found love. And I was hoping to maybe get some advice from both of you, but specifically David. - Oh. - And I made a little video for you. - Video on top of the video? Okay.

Oh, that's me. So a montage of David's. See, it's been hard for me to find love. At 37 years old, I didn't think it would be possible. But looking at David throughout his career of having hot chicks on his arm, I think maybe it's possible that a schmuck like me can find love.

And I'd really love to hear from David to see if that might be possible. So thank you for your consideration. And please, for the love of God, help me find love. Montage of David's love interest. This is my favorite part. Oh, there's David with the whole gang. Chris Rock. And Dana. Yeah, there we are.

Well, can you help me find love? Why am I his favorite? He's got a Sandler shirt on for starters, but that's fine. Was it, was cleverly done. I assumed it was a joke that, because I first thing I would say is don't have a t-shirt that says Adam Sandler. If you want to be cool with. If you're over 11. No, no, that's fine. No. Let's hear from John on this. Well, he wants to hear from David. I know, but you're our guest. So we have to struggle through your answer. Yeah.

Do you have any thoughts? My advice would be S Spade. He's he's right. He gets lots, lots of beautiful women in his life. Now, this guy seems like a good dude. It is hard out there. I don't have any great advice. I would say the more normal you are, it helps. I'm not that normal, but for a comedian, I'm not that crazy for a comedian, for a normal person. I'm crazy. But for this world, I'm

You guys are pretty level-headed. That's why I'd like to hang out with you. But if you're pretty normal with someone over time, no one likes me right away. It takes a long time. So if you are nice to these girls, it's a tough world with Instagram and everyone's bragging and you got to be 6'5 and finance and make 500k a year. It's so tough out there. So it's an uphill battle. I will say that. If you can be famous, do it. If you can't, don't.

Then it's going to be tough. I remember until I was known, it was pure crickets, nothing, no one, nobody cared. So I guess that's it. John, anything you want to add to that? Yeah, I would go to, I don't know what city he's in, but I would go to like Nashville, South, and you'll meet someone there. Nice Southern girls. Because they're not all narcissistic. No, they're about what can I do for you?

Not what can you do for me? They're not looking in the mirror and taking photos of themselves. That's a narcissist. You got to forget those girls. Oh, the South Chicago, the Midwest are the nicest people ever. Head South. I have one word for him. Thailand, Thailand. That's the best advice. Go to the shortest and best. Okay. Spud Meister and the Carve Meister. Yeah.

who is a hawk to a sexy fitness instructor. I've been married to for 30 funtastic years. Does he underline that? But she keeps playing. If you like Pina Colada song over and over, should I be worried? Just kidding. What's your dating advice to spice up our relationship? How long have we been together? 30 years. 30 years to spice it up. Love your super fan. Rockstar Brewski. Dana, you take this one.

Spice up your relationship. 30 years. I'm thinking what I'd like to share or not share. Maybe some paprika? That's a spice. You should go meet at a bar and pretend you're different people. Heather is saying meet at a bar and pretend you're different people.

and then try to hit on her and act like you're someone else. Okay, that's pretty good. That's something, right? I like that. Pretend you're different people even though you've been married for 30 years? John, it's pretend.

I would say pretend like you're still single in the sense of how you take care of yourself. Pretend that you're single. No, not, well, not that part, but try to, you know, take, take care of yourself. And, you know, just as if you're, if you're still try to be dating, basically. Keep the marketing campaign up because you can't just let yourself fall apart. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

Yeah, just do the best you can. I don't know. No, you don't. Don't. Fine, that's a good one. John, what's yours? Get rich? I don't even understand the question. Jesus, got to walk this guy through it. The one on the bottom here?

Is that another one? Okay, let's move on. Hello, I'm a huge fan. I'm a fan of David since I was young and my dad forced my brother and I to watch Tommy Boy basically once a week. But I'm 26 and have been single for three years now. I've tried every dating app possible and zero luck. Should I start dating losers, comedians, or both? They're the same. Is that the question? It's all dating? Should I try dating loser comedians?

Meaning he wants to date you, one of you two. Didn't know I was going to be on the show. I'll say this. I'll change it. John, is it harder to date comedians? Well, most of the comedians I know are, they're very smart. They're very funny. And they all have problems with their father and they're angry. So it's tough. And they're angry? A lot of them when they're younger.

I'll agree. But, uh, well, I, but, um, I don't know. I think it's tough meeting somebody on an app because you're not meeting them. You're just looking at a photo and then you're reading what they say and you're interpreting what they wrote in your own way. So none of it's, uh, none of it's accurate. So I think it's better to meet people in person, go to places that you figure

figure out what you like to do in your spare time and go to those places. And you'll meet other people that are there because they enjoy it and they'll be there. Right. That's a good idea. Meet them in person. Meeting in a club is hard. You can't really talk. I see. You know, you can go there, but online, I think it's, I don't, I think the people online, they're not looking for relationships. They're looking to have sex.

Right. And if you can meet in person, it's a lot different. You're on those apps. Am I right? No, but thank you. No, I say if you meet people in person, it's very different than just photos and talking online. So if you meet people in person, a lot of people want to meet people in real life. That's very hard to do these days. Oh, here's one. Here's an app called Fly Me Now. It's a dating app.

where you can apply for trips and then and they'll take you okay dudes they'll say hey i'm going to miami for a week we need we want four girls to come and they say we want to go it's an app do you understand this john this is what's happened to the world i get it at the seams so my advice for anyway it's girls looking for free trips and they have nothing to do with the guy yeah it's a great app

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A friend who dates a lot of girls and then, and they'll go, can you take me to the mall? And then they'll want him to buy him. He doesn't even know him, buy a $5,000 purse. To me, that's, as they say in Yiddish, chutzpah, balls plus nerve. And they expect it. You don't even know him. It's prostitution. Yeah, I know. It's hard because it feels like there's a new world where people are like, if it's not a serious relationship, they're like, okay, what sort of business deal is going on here?

I've had that happen to me once, but it was when I was on Saturday Night Live. And I met Dana Carvey for the first time. And he goes, do you want to write a sketch, John? I said to him, do you want to write a sketch? He goes, yeah, but you need to buy me a purse. And then I'll write a sketch. And we had to go to a... She said, let me buy a... Sixth Avenue. And I had to buy him like this $5,000 purse. And then we wrote the sketch. I thought the joke was over. I'm sorry. I didn't know if it...

Was the joke over? Was I done talking? I think David, I think it's David who talks over people now. I agree. I've been doing a lot on this one. And David's phoning it in. I said to you, do you want to write a sketch? And you said, well, can you buy me some diapers? Okay. So I went to Rite Aid and got some Depends and you said, let's write. All right, here we go. That's all true. John, do you have any final thoughts, like a summary of your time here?

Well, I just appreciate you having me on your show. As usual, everyone says, if you listen to Dana and David's podcast, they're always talking about you. And I said, well, we're friends. But I'm glad that I can contribute.

Do you have any stand-up dates in July? Yeah, where are you going to have any stand-up dates, John, coming up? No, not for a while. Not until like October and November. I've got to get some more. I want to talk to you about what's going on right here. August 1st? Excuse me, David. I would like. August 1st, I'll be doing my musical comedy show at the Jazz Club Vibrato.

Yes. And where in LA? I saw this show. It's great. You have a full of five, four or five Beverly Glen, Los Angeles. Yeah. I have a four piece band and the, the, the piano, the Rangers, uh,

Randy Waldman, who he's worked with Frank Sinatra, Michael Jackson. He produces George Benson. Anyway, it's a great band. Shut up, David. And John Lovitz has probably the... When I sing and tell jokes. Can you give us just... Sing Fly Me to the Moon, just one line so people know. Fly me to the moon. Oh. John is quite a singer.

What was I singing during golf? Rags to riches. For some reason, it was stuck in my head. Well, there's Johnny. Yeah. From the Tijuana brass. He and his daughter. Great. Take Paula. It's good. It's fun. No, no cops.

Oh, no comps. You're like Madonna. John Lovitz, August 1st at Vibrato's in Beverly Clinton. It only holds 138 people. You better get your tickets now. It will sell out. It sold out last time. Yeah. And it sold out the time before that. They keep bringing me back. They like the show. What is that show? Do you get it? Oh, yeah. I think it'd be a good show.

It is a good show. No, I think it could be a really good show. No, it doesn't could be. It is. All right. Thanks for coming on, John. I'm like a cat when they have the camera.

But I have a question for you, too. Oh, boy. I saw this video of this girl, and she goes, I'm a furry. And then she goes, here's how I talk to my friends. So if I'm happy, I'm like, meow. If I'm angry, I go, meow. Anyway, do you think that human beings that identify as cats are actually cats? I don't. But do you? No.

I ran into someone who said my pronouns are they, them. And I said, my pronouns are what's up, motherfucker. Well, those are my pronoun. What's up, motherfucker. John's are poo poo pee pee. No. John's pronouns are sir and Lord, sir, Lord. Mine are. Hey, sound effect. I just know going up and saying, what are your pronouns? I'd be, huh?

I go, what? I don't know what you're talking about. What do you call yourself? John. Transphobic much? No, I just don't. It's like, what? I never thought about it for a second. I love to hear the end of that story. I'm all for it. You apparently mock people who think they're a dog or a cat. I met a woman...

With a litter box. I had a date with a woman once and she said she was a cat. And she opened her shirt and she had six nipples. And I said, do you want to get spaded? But you're a female. A one John Lovitz on a date with a woman he finds very attractive. He will soon find out that she's a pussy cat.

This is an imitation my friend would always do. This is a cat's butthole. Was he a comedian? How old was he, two? We've got to have a raspberry count. Anyone making this sound? We're probably double ditches. Ditches and bitches. Okay, well, John Lovitz has been our guest today. The debate was great last night. We'll say it again.

debate was great he doesn't identify as a cat he identifies as a pussy for those listening john is beside himself with joy he's going in for the close-up with the big eyes and a huge grin huge i'm doing my cat in the camera again the ring camera david spade has a disease it's called small cocks let's end on that one that's not bad

That's a pretty good one, John. I don't know how you think of this stuff. All right. Thanks, buddy. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.