SUPERFLY #11 - Sketch Pitches & Cracks are Back
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it. Homes.com knows that when it comes to home shopping, it's never just about the house or condo. It's about the home.

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Sarah, what are you wearing to the eclipse? I think I'm going to wear a giant disco ball. Again? Yeah, again. It's a black tie affair. It's the eclipse in LA and it's a fucking bust because it's not even any darker. It's not even anything and everyone's so ramped up like it's Coachella. It's 40% clip. That's it. 40%.

Here's a fun fact. The moon, the sun is 400 times larger than the moon, but it's 400 times further from Earth, and that's why the moon can block it. I was just saying that. I was thinking it. Blocking out the sun, I didn't realize my wife was going to be leaving the house. That's pretty good.

Sarah, wait, what was I going to ask you also? God dang it. Oh, you know what? The eclipse feels like the only thing that you can, it's like saying you want to go to the Super Bowl, but you can't watch it. You have to look the other way. It's like, why are people driving the length of the eclipse? New York, you're supposed to be pitch black by now, according to my calculations. Are you not?

I'm like totally confused. I feel like I'm afraid to look out the window because I don't know what I'm supposed to see. I'm also like, is it, didn't like Trump literally stare right into it and he like was fine? I think that was the rumor, yeah. He just got, he just got, he just got oranger. He just got a really good tan. Melania's tits got bigger. We looked at it.

You know, no, but all kidding aside, it's dangerous. I think you're not supposed to even look out the window. I'm literally looking out the window. I'll put on my sunglasses because now you're scaring me. Yeah, you can't even be in your house. You shouldn't be in your apartment.

Are you trying to walk with your laptop? I'm walking. Well, I want to find my sunglasses because now you guys are like freaking me out for some reason. There you go. I feel better. Are you safe? I'm sorry for how big your tie is. I feel better now. It's my new tie. Oh, that's hip.

That's little Diane Keatney. It's cool, isn't it? My friend Celeste, writer on the show, got it for me for my birthday. I think ties on women are hot. Why, thank you. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Sarah, do you have in your house what I sent you for your birthday? Literally, yeah, but my boyfriend's in a meeting in the room where the cookie is. I sent her a cookie. No, you don't have to. I kept the cookie. I didn't eat it.

You know, Sarah, that was from one of the road gigs we did in my room. And I said I had a present for you and I never gave it to you. So I kept it that whole time. Oh, there it is. Look at that. And look what else you sent me. $10 bill. This is your boyfriend? You didn't spend it? No, I sent it out for her birthday. Oh, this boyfriend. This surrogate boyfriend in a pinch. These are all my... Are you in a meeting right now? Yes.

My boyfriend's hard at work. Look, these are all the dolls people make of me on tour. You do have an eclectic... Wow. Peewee Sherman!

That's cool. No one's making peewee carving. You have great fans. I know. I don't have that many, but they're strong. They're small, but mighty. I just love them. I just have Garth bobbleheads. Can I get one more? Can I get five more? Can I get ten more? Cut it out, dude. Fuck you. And then they start to fight. Just Garth. That's it. Dana, let's get to the important matter at hand, which is

One girl on TikTok saying something about SNL girls, and then we all talk about it forever. It's pretty funny. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Sarah, give us your strong opinion about it, whatever that is. Here's the thing. Here's what... Wait, let me make sure that the human hand is in the back. And I'll take my glasses off for this. That's important. Literally, like, what... What...

What is she smoking? Like, some of the most beautiful... What?

It's like, listen, I'm not funny, but I'm good looking. You know what I mean? Like... You're right. The women that she's taught, like, she brings up women who are, like, literally drop dead, blah, blah, blah, boom, dah, dah, dah, gorgeous. Yeah. And I was mad at myself for tweeting. I shouldn't have fucking said fucking anything because she said some shit for attention. Hmm.

And then I was sitting on the train. Well, I woke up in the morning and everyone texted me. I woke up to, none of my friends care if I live or die. But then I woke up to like a hundred texts from my friends being like,

"Ah, look at this, LOL." And so I was like- - LOL means fuck you, by the way, when people text me that. They're like, "Did you see this? "Ah-ha." And you're like, "It's not really LOL. "It's more like, I want you to see this." - Yeah, no, exactly. Like one time I woke up to text from my friend, there was like a Reddit thread

I had like opened for a band in Central Park in 95 degree heat in the summer. And then there was like a whole Reddit thread of like teenagers telling me that I'm so unfunny that I should literally shoot my own head off.

And that's what my friends send me. My friends don't send me like anything good. So like I was sitting on the train just being like, I don't know. I just fucking tweeted it. And I immediately regretted tweeting it because it's like she just want that. That's what people want. They just want attention from one side. Mm hmm.

Yeah, it's a tricky one, because if you protest too much, it's sort of like, hey, wait a minute. We are good looking. You know, I know. And I didn't want it to come across as like defensive or like. Yeah. And then people thought like I was legitimately upset.

And I'm like, no, I'm just I woke up like ready to say something hilarious about grieving. Ugly was maybe the funniest thing I heard last week. Yeah, it was so funny. And ugly does not it's not out there a lot that word. And I like it. I don't think I've ever heard it. It's a new word.

that's why i did it if i felt compelled to bring a new word into the lexicon but ultimately i wish i didn't say anything because then it just made it a bigger deal no it's great that's why we're calling you about it it's it's totally gone away that's why we're calling you about it well also i'm like this got more attention than it's been like every time i tweet every time i tweet like

Every time I tweet like, hey, everybody check out this sketch that I made with my friends. It's so hot. It's hilarious. It gets like two and a half likes. Block, delete, unfollow, report. Yeah, by the way, I just saw happenstance. I saw, I think there's a delay on me. I think I saw Kristen Wiig, her monologue. What a stunner. I mean, just off the top of my head, forget it and who cares?

Already, there's so many combo platters on that show of just really pretty and hilariously funny. Funny's harder. You can't go get surgery to be funnier. I mean, it's really a blessing. Hey, wait a minute. Is it okay for funniness to add to a person's hotness? Not just men, but women as well? Because women will say, I like a man who's funny, but what about a man who likes women that are funny? Yeah.

Have to be. Yeah, that's like Rodney Dangerfield is like the hottest guy who ever lived. Is he was he a looker? Yes. To me. No, you're right. You're right. Oh, I tell you, I'm hot, Johnny. I'm hot. I tell you, I'm hot. All it goes like me. Oh.

So I have not, that's my worst impression. I get too much respect, too much respect entirely. Every time a photographer sees me, he takes a picture. Every time a woman sees me, she takes my pants off. I tell you, I get a lot of respect. How does she take your pants off? I mean...

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That's $50 off with CodeFly at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Oh, yeah. Ryan Gosling this week.

We got right. Yeah. Do you guys have any pictures for me? I have one for what I think you would be the perfect person to do it. I think Ryan would be the perfect. It's nothing really original. You can go. It's just, you're a scientist and he's like a head, just a disembodied head. She loves it already. She loves it already. He's a little sarcastic and you start, you kind of abuse him. You just slap him. Shut your freaking mouth. You know, that kind of thing. And then he's going to break.

He will have to break. You save the slaps. They get really hard on air. Yeah. And he's going to break. And then you have a two million banger on YouTube. Okay. I love this. But he's a head in your society. He's a somebody head and he's mouthing off, right? Yeah. And you're like, shut up.

Hey, you're like, you shut your fucking head. You know, shut your freaking head and you slap him. I slap him. He gets sassy. And he keeps mouthing off and he keeps going like, how come none of the women on SNL are funny or hot or funny or whatever? And then I go, you keep talking like that. I'm going to sew this head on a chicken's body. Yeah.

And that's the end. You just cut to a frame of that. No, but then he stands up out of the table and he already has a chicken body on. That's funny. Yeah, he comes out of the box at the end of the scene to walk to the next one and he's in a chicken outfit. And you're like, oh, I forgot to do the ending.

So anyway, I think you being kind of playfully abusive, he's a head. So, and he's kind of sassy. You make a head to make the perfect man. And then you're only at the head part. And then he already starts mouthing off. And you're like, don't make me come across this laboratory. You stop talking. I'm not even done with you yet. And then you go, you know what? I am done with you.

I have another one. He plays a guy with a foot fetish. Go ahead. You're on a restaurant with him. He's really a handsome, nice guy, but he has a foot fetish, so he keeps dropping things and going around the table and just going off on your feet. I got nothing. Okay, no, no, no. He has a foot fetish. He keeps dropping things. So he can just rub your feet, kiss your feet. And then I actually...

Then, okay, so then I actually start eating with my feet at the table.

Yes. This is called running with it. He proposes marriage. Okay, one more. Wait, I have one more pitch on that sketch. I want to hear it. It's your show. I'm trying to help you. I won't be there Saturday. It's a foot fetish restaurant. So there's a waiter who comes and serves you food at the table level. But then there's a foot waiter who serves your feet foot. Your feet food at the foot level. Your feet's bombing over here. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. Okay, keep going, keep going, keep going. No, I like that. I just thought, okay, go ahead, David. At the table, there's a little slit on his side, so you put your foot up right in front of him. So when you're sitting there, you put your foot straight up and it's right closer to him in the table, and then he can sit down and kind of kiss it. And then you pull it out. Okay, wait, wait, wait. What about this? He shows up for the date.

Nothing's weird. Nothing's strange. And then I go to sneeze. I go, achoo, reveal my hand is actually a foot. And he likes that. Oh, yeah, that's not bad. And my feet are actually hands. Oh, he goes down there and he finds out your feet are hands and then he hates them. And then he goes back up and he goes, oh, no, your hands are feet. And there's little faces on the feet and then they all talk. You already did that with the hot dogs or whatever. My ideas are too normal. The hot dogs.

I have one more that's physical. It's a nightclub. You're going to dance with Ryan Gosling. Oh, that guy's so good looking, whatever. And he starts dancing. And then just in a little bit of time, he gets real close. And then he starts to strangle you. And you're like, what the fuck? What are you doing? He goes, I'm just doing the strangle. It's a dance. Come on, let's go. Let's dance. You go, all right. And then he dances and he starts to strangle you. I have nothing else. Okay, love it. Love it. I just love it.

love it and then i started doing the trip i stick my foot out and he trips over it yeah and then we both um go get like so world famous from the dance moves we invented that like literally i get um killed and then um someone goes that was the other new dance all right mine are more for the monday meeting that you don't write

- Okay, this is-- - Or fake ones. - Yeah, fake ones. - That'll never get produced. Fake ones that just 'cause there's not, they're not weird enough for Sarah, but they're just sort of stupid. You say, "It's a gritty cop show set in New Orleans "and you all play gritty cops, "and in the Monday morning gritty meeting, "everyone has a different New Orleans accent. "It's all bad." So everyone says their accent is wrong. 'Cause I just played New Orleans and I said New Orleans on stage and they go, "Boo."

And I go, "Would it be worse if I came up here and went, 'Nile-ins'?" Like I'm trying to really blend in. - That would be insane. - Yeah. And then I said, "No, is it New Orleans?" And they're like, "Don't say every fucking letter in it." I'm like, "Well, that's what it's spelled." And then so I had to go, I had to find a happy medium and go, "New Orleans." And then there was a couple ways to go with that. - No, then you just get it down to "I-ins." "I-ins." Yeah, I'm from "I-ins." You even drop the "Nile-ins." - And someone just goes, does a Chinese accent. And then they're like, "You're way off."

And so, okay. Do you want to workshop the pitch that I was actually going to do? Yeah. Kick it out. Okay. Just tell me if this is good. So maybe everyone thinks that you went blind from the eclipse because you show up to work dressed like me and you go, oh, I thought all these things match. That's your excuse because you went blind or the people went blind.

No, I'm sorry. Okay, so I'm pitching Ryan Gosling. Yeah. I'm looking like this. Yeah. Okay. And I go, maybe you show up to work dressed like this. Yeah. In the sketch. And everyone thinks that you went blind looking at the eclipse. Okay, because you look so stupid.

because you dressed yourself so poorly clearly you can't see yep i like it and clearly the joke was so good that um i had to repeat it twice to kind of get yeah now can you orientate me in the room where's he sitting the sunglasses with ray charles thing i thought you're going with the sunglasses no oh that's good here's a weekend update bit for you ready you show the weather report you go speaking of

I have a real beef with the sun right now. And then they go, what's that? And then you go, here's a weather report. It's sunny all week and the sun has sunglasses. And you go, why would the sun have sunglasses? The only thing that doesn't need sunglasses. It's going that way. Does anyone understand me? Why is no one talking about this? Why are we trying to bury these stories? Why am I? You think I'm a.

Do you think I'm a conspiracy theorist? This is a fucking classic. All right. Well, we got your whole show written. Bowen did the iceberg, and now you have a lot of cast members' things on their head and stuff. Oh, but yeah, you go out as the sun with sunglasses and go, what was everyone's problem? Okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait. I got one. I got one. No one's going anywhere. Go ahead. Okay. We have nothing else to do. Buckle up. Put your helmets on. Put your sunglasses on. Okay.

You go, the sun from the Teletubbies was played by a baby. I'm sorry, doesn't the sun actually pre-exist planet Earth? Why would it be played by a baby? Seems a little young.

Yeah. You know, you have a lot of sun facts. You go, Colin, I'll hit you with another one. Yeah. I mean, you're fucking reeling from this one, but guess what? Why does someone wear sunglasses? You go, there's a lot of things that people aren't talking about right now. And there's a lot of things that are, everyone's sweeping under the rug.

The eclipse really, the sun doesn't do jack shit, to be honest. The moon does all the work. Does the sun know it's been eclipsed and does it care? Is it offended? Is it profiling? What is it? Just do a New York accent as the sun, you know? I didn't even know what was going on. I can't even see you guys. What? Oh. Oh, you have a question? Sarah? Sarah. I'm raising my hand. Go ahead. Okay, so I know the earth is flat, but is the sun? I mean, she's got those big knockers. She couldn't possibly be.

- What knockers? - What? - No, I know where you're going. I get it. The sun is stacked. - Yeah. - Stacked. When does stacked go out? She's really stacked? Is that 1968 or something? - What happened to bazonkas? - I think people just say big tits or boobs. - Yeah, it's lazy. - People call them boobs. - It is. - It's lazy offensiveness.

My mom and my grandma, my aunt called them bubbies. Bubbies. Like when I turned 15, I grew bubbies. Let's look at a clip. How about this? Ryan Gosling is Hunter Biden. He looks like him kind of in a hot tub doing a talk show from a hot tub. And he has strippers in the tub with him. And the guests have to come in the water with him. And then you guys all...

I mean, what do you guys have there? It's physical and silly. You want Ryan to be ridiculous. Ryan is good looking. What if it's Barbie and Ken in the future and they run into each other and it's gone south for one of them? Do you think it'd be open to Barbie and Ken stuff? It fucking better be. He's like, please, let's not talk about the most obvious thing in the world. You know what's funny about Dana's pitch about making him break? It just made me think like,

It's so funny. Like anytime a host is like, oh my God, I love this sketch. Like, I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it with a straight face. I'm like totally going to break. That's like always when they never break. And they cut it quietly after dress. Their expectations are so high and they don't realize they're going to do it six times before air. That's why this one has a secret Easter egg that you'll do these little slaps all week. And then they'll get...

And on the air show, it's a little Chris Farley. You bring out a two by four.

And you really slap him too hard in the audience. He knows it. And he's like, cause he kind of, he's right in the middle of his line. Start making out with them. Yeah. At the end, that's it. You say, oh, to hell with it. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Damn it. I'm in love with you. And then you just grab his head and start forcing kissing him. There you go. You go. I'm changing the sketch in the middle. I'm just going to make out with you for 10 minutes.

Come here, you head. I'm in love with you, head. And then you start making out with her. We have to let Sarah go to go to her laundry. So let's, we have one advice question that we do on the show. Someone we don't know asking for advice. Will you just stay and help answer? Take you five seconds.

Okay, this is the question. Oh, he's a younger guy. Let me put my glasses on. Yeah, you should. Okay. He might sneak in an eclipse and... Hi, Dana and David. I need advice. I am getting married soon. I'll be 21 at my wedding, so I'll say I'm 21 now. Oh, whoa. And I need to know how to keep my wife thinking that I'm funny forever. Because she thinks I'm funny now, and that's one of the major things I have going for me. So I'd appreciate your feedback, and thank you.

That's a good question, Sarah. That's actually really... As someone who's never made a host break, let me think, let me think. How do you stay funny? How do you stay funny from rehearsal, from run through to dress to air? How do you stay funny through...

50 years of marriage. - Yeah, I can't say funny from read through. - I would have been surprised. - Yeah, you're right. - You only wanna be just as funny to keep the sketch moving through the machine to get to air, but you never, you wanna make sure on air for Ryan, it's all different.

This thing, unfortunately, is coming out Friday. So if you actually go with this sketch, we'll cut this from our podcast and show it on the follow. It will ruin everything if you want to do it. I know that you and maybe Dan would do something. You know, you would do your thing with it. You can take any nugget. Just run its head with you. Control.

Ryan is ahead and you as the scientist. And then we break the fourth wall. Harvey, Sherman, Bullock. All the cast members walk in and just make out with him while he's stuck there during the sketch. And maybe a few contest winners. Before Sarah goes, I want to do a five second impression. Well, we really dumped this kid off, didn't we? This advice? No, I said elementary.

and I'm surprised. Well, I would say I've been married for multiple decades and I'm funnier to my wife now than I was before because you get just sillier. I would say don't worry about it. If you truly have a funny aspect to you, it's like gum on your shoe. Did you ever go through phasers? You're like, I don't know how to do this. You can't get rid of it. So if he's truly funny, he's...

He'll be fine. That's my honest advice. I agree with Dana. If you have the sauce, you have the sauce, girl. If you don't have the sauce, then you don't have the sauce. Yeah. And if you... And people always worry about, will my partner get...

unattractive over time. It's like, this guy's worrying, will I not be funny over time? It's a good thing to think about because he wants to be attractive to his partner by being fun and funny. And I think if you want to, you're always trying to, you've turned it up a few percentages for someone you're with because it's fun with them. You have a,

good back and forth. I like that Sarah referred to him as "girl," just affectionately. It's very British. You listen to me, girl, you know? You're funny. You listen to me, bird. This little girl. Okay, here's-- if there's an aftershock today at the read-through meeting, this is Lorne Michaels. Um, Sarah, do you have anything for Ryan?

Interesting. There's a tremor. It's a little bit of a tremor. It's that thing of like, everybody go find a desk. Well, there's only one desk. It's going down again. That's awesome. Here's my impression of the, they're recording the intros during an aftershock.

Okay. And your host, Ryan Gosling. Here's Lauren. That's it? What the fuck? That's my just quick one. Sarah, jump on me and save me from breaking my bones.

jump you should jump and tackle him and go lauren are you okay and he goes sarah there was nothing's wrong and you go thought i heard a tremor and then you just show your loyalty to attack him okay we'll let her go you've got to go right with bula yeah bula bula all right bula yeah bula bula all right you text him for me and tom tom i'll be a bit late

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They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is Pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Honey roasted.

Sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah, look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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When they say, oh, these girls are funny, but are they pretty? It's like, no, they are, and they're funny. So it's more going on, which is always nice. I like girls that are a little lighter on their feet, women. You're not even supposed to say women anymore. You're supposed to say elderly women. Well, my sister...

You're supposed to say... She says stuff like, you got to admit... Sorry, I can't hear you. I said take it out because it just sounds... I was trying to do a stupid joke, but it sounds bad. Oh, sorry. Go ahead, bud. My sister always says, and she's in her 60s, she said about Ryan Gosling, she always says, you got to admit he's really good looking. Just a funny figure of speech in the beginning.

She goes, "You got to admit, Dane, he's really good looking." You got to admit. I mean, no one can admit. You got to admit. I mean, well, yeah. I said on the podcast or somewhere, when people say you're actually kind of cute, the actually is in all caps. And so I would say it now when people DM me if they want attention, they go, "You're actually kind of hot."

And then I go, oh, this is like a thing that I said. And then I'm supposed to go, oh, arf, arf, am I really? Your hair looks good today. I know. I know. You said I know so fast. Did I mutter I know? Yeah, I think you did. It's not that hard. You were saying I know to something else, and I said your hair looks good right when you said that. Oh. Well, I have a protocol. It's pretty consistent. Yeah. That's what your hair care system is called. Dana Carvey's protocol.

Color looks good. - Well, once I got rid of the bangs, I mean, the bangs, you have to arrange them and do all this work with bangs. - No, bangs are- - And then once you just went back like that, then it's like, okay, hello, Sally. - By the way, I think in all my dating experience, no girl has ever said, "I'm looking for a guy with bangs."

Bangs is sort of... Oh, you are? I know, but Paul McCartney kind of has bangs. You know, Jeff Beck, God rest his soul, had bangs. Yeah, Bangs... Jagger has bangs. Maybe they're back. I don't know. I sort of like them. Well, long hair. Let me tell you what's going on briefly here.

When I'm in traffic, and this is not even funny because I have such a bad temper. When I'm in traffic, and you might think of this, when I let someone in, my precious spot in traffic, when they're trying to merge and they don't wave to me,

You're lucky I don't have a gun in the car because I, you have, what happened to waving? No one, no one gives, I do it all the time. I go, hey man, just to diffuse being gunned down because I know how infuriating it is. So I go, hey man, I even go with the window, get a little out there because I want them to know, okay, you know, because I know it makes me so mad. I'll follow them if they don't wave, waiting for a wave, minimum 100 miles.

Going, "I'm sure you forgot, but I'm here whenever you're ready." And they don't care. All right. I like to hear about your etiquette. Here's a question for you on receiving or the attack mode. You're at a stoplight. There's a car in front of you. It turns green. They don't start moving. You know they're checking their phone.

When do you blast on the horn? One second, two second, give them three seconds. And then sometimes you blast them, right? And then they flip you off. Now what? Even though you're just reminding them to get the fuck going. Now you're stuck because are you a pussy? Do you do anything? Do you just eat it? Yeah. Or do you have to ram them?

What about when you're on the phone and then you realize, you look up the screen and you didn't move? Well, in LA, people don't know this, you have to time out your beep when it turns green. So it goes, "Green 8!" Because people are like, "Fuck, I literally, it hit my eye that it's green and now I'm going and I took too long."

Guess it. Well, I have a horn setting that it ramps up. So even when it's red, it's starting to rumble. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Me

By the way, in a non-related story, my Land Cruiser has the pussiest beep. It goes like this. And when I'm so mad, I go, you almost can't hear it. Dogs are like this. So that's why I want to switch the horn to like, I really want it to be angry. Like people go, oh shit, I did something wrong. I've never, I don't use the horn. I just roll down the window and go, egg, move it.

Fat face. You don't say fat fuck. I like fat face. I don't want to swear on this podcast. Oh, I know. I'll take care of that. Okay. Okay, move on. What's our first story? And then we'll get off the phone because we're already long. First story is about... Okay. Here it comes. Oh, what is this massive? Oh, Dana...

Remember I was saying it took a turn the other day? Right. That actually doesn't have anything to do with this. This is just another boat where all the power went out. It didn't do anything, but maybe there's something to it if...

they lost control of their ship again. So maybe that is someone electrically, I don't want to talk too much lingo here, someone electrically through the protons. A force field, someone from another country practicing. Yeah, someone can shut off your power and then it makes you, you're going to crash into something eventually. All right, is there anything to that? Oh, look at how low I am in the screen. There I go. So yeah. I'm kind of interested. It's definitely interesting. That happened twice. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I need a lot more information to have an opinion. Okay, I'm just giving you this. Now, we'll go to the 99-cent store one. That's a really hard-hitting story. I love 99-cent stores. Even if I'm on a budget, I'll pass them, and if you wait long enough, you'll hit a 98-cent store. So it's smart. But these 99-cent stores were everywhere, and they're all closing. And you know what I saw in one, Dana? What?

The weirdest thing I saw was the early pregnancy test. This is for a girl in a regular pharmacy going, I think I'm pregnant, but I'm not spending more than a buck to find out. I'll just wait. It'll figure itself out. Well, I don't like the 99 cent store because I loaded up on the dollar store stock. Oh, you did? And then 99 cent came in and completely obliterated me.

The dollar stores, at least half of them closed within a week. And there's rumors of a 98 cent store, but I don't know if it's true. Are people waiting for a 98 cent store? They're sitting on their cash going a dollar's too much? I just want to remind the audience, these are not pre-planned bits. These are not written by professional writers for weeks. These are just... Yeah, I did not... Yes. Yeah, so I'm kind of sad because this is, I think a lot of people go to these

including me and dollar stores, it's just good to have. I mean, let's be honest, not one thing in there is 99 cents. I think we sort of gave that up a while ago, but it's still, it's less expensive. And I don't know if I need that. It just sounds good. Like, do you remember Motel 6? Did you have those where you grew up? Was that $6? And now it's like,

It was, yeah, $5.95 when we were driving to Montana, seven of us in a station wagon, Motel 6. It was $6. We didn't, I didn't know that for sure. We did not know what that meant. I did not, I thought it meant six. Yeah. I don't know. No, it was $6. I don't know when it went to $600, but yeah, look it up. Because I stay at the Four Seasons 9000, and I didn't know what that meant until I just got my room.

Well, the bar of soap was about this big in the Motel 6, and the towel was like this big. And the bed was like this big. It was really good for tiny people, but yeah, it was pretty low. But it had TV. You know, when I got my call... This is kind of a lie, but when I got my call about SNL, I was home at Easter, and I just started staying in hotels, and I stayed at a Motel 6. And I got the call in the room,

in the one on Scottsdale Road. And I-- I would-- The bigger story is I should have been staying at home. But, you know, my mom gets up at 4:30 and she starts clanking pans and so-- And I'm on the couch, so I said, "I'm gonna treat myself to a Motel 6." And that has a strong memory for me of writing down

the Ken Among deal of whatever I was gonna do for four shows at the end of the season. - Interesting. - Great story. Everyone just went to sleep or we spiked down. Okay, oh. - No, we like David with no money, that guy. - This is a weird story. Canadian man has- - I have not seen this. - Yes, I saw this and I just sent this in. Canadian man has two healthy fingers amputated because he identifies as disabled.

This has to offend disabled people. I mean, this just seeing it, it looks like a little bit of that joder, you know, when you like this, but I don't think that's what he's going for. Why would a surgeon do it? Who would do it? Right. Yeah. I mean, it's his wishes. I have no take. I have no take other than I'm perplexed.

All right, young man, let's see if we have gangrene or some kind of infection on these digits. Well, they're perfectly healthy. They're perfect. Cut them anyway, doc. What? I said cut them. He's like a junior John Wayne.

Slice them. Slice them good. But there's nothing wrong with them. I identify as fingerless, bitch. Oh, my God. That's all I got. David? I would say just go to 4th of July and try to not get your fingers blown off with firecrackers for about three times. And the third one, it'll probably happen anyway. This is what happens to people, and they're sad all their lives because of fireworks. But I don't know. This just struck me as a story I thought was maybe it's not real.

If this is, let us know, people, if this is real or not. Maybe it's one of those fake ones. We'd have to know if it's, unless it's someone trying to kind of make a joke on how far can sort of, you know, wokeness go or something. I don't know. I agree with you. I don't know. Should we ask the peanut gallery? Yeah, peanut gallery. Tell us on YouTube comments. I read those comments. Dana, they're quite surprisingly positive.

Oh, this is funny. I got all my info from you. All right. This is funny because we were talking last week about the crime, and I think I mumbled, where's Charles Bronson in Death Wish, that old movie where he would fight crime? So someone made all these posters up from different things we said on the show. This is just one of them. Isn't that funny?

And you know, it's done by AI. I mean, he's literally talking into a chatbot or something. Oh, maybe someone did that and said, make me a poster. Yeah, maybe. But I can't remember. To the AI. Because it's so good. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Yeah, Photoshop. That's like my headshot from like Emperor's New Groove or something. But I don't care. I'll take it. I like it. I think it's funny.

Well, if they put you in an action film, they'd make you look like that. He has... They'd give you long hair. He's tired of everything but his blow dryer. Am I holding a balloon or is that a street lamp? That's a street lamp, but it looks like... The AI made it look like it's a balloon. Goddamn. Yeah. Okay, well, I'm on the move. It's cool. Okay, what's next? I like that one.

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Find it on auto trader. See it. Find it. Auto trader. You know, Dana, uh, I think we have a connection. We've been friends for a long time. And for this episode of fly on the wall, we've partnered with eHarmony, which isn't us. eHarmony is a dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. We are not dating. Want to clarify that, but the connection is what you want in a dating partner. Um,

just someone like, if you found someone that listened to this podcast, that's somewhat of a connection. And then you sort of build on that. You want someone with some common ground. Yeah. It's not, it, look, if you want to connect romantically over, you know, super fly or fly on the wall, uh,

It just makes us happy. You don't want to be watching The Godfather and the person next to you goes, this movie sucks. You want to- So dumb. Yeah. You want to connect on all issues and harmonize in life. Similar sensibility, similar sense of humor, and similar sense of sense. I don't like when they watch The Godfather and they're like, everyone in this movie is so old. I'm like, they're 40.

Watch 2001 Space Odyssey. Too much of this movie is in outer space. I don't like it. When do they land? When do they land? Why is that stupid red light acting so silly? Who's friends with a robot? We know dating isn't easy. That's why we partnered with eHarmony because dating is different on eHarmony. They want you to find someone who gets you, someone you can be comfortable with.

Yeah. I mean, the whole idea is you're going to take a compatibility quiz, helps your personality come out in your profile, which makes all the profiles on eHarmony way more interesting and fun to read. So I think this is the goal of dating sites, and I think eHarmony does it great. It's just finding somebody you're compatible with.

So get started today with a compatibility quiz. So you can find some and you can be yourself with. Get Who Gets You on eHarmony. Sign up today. Oh, this is a story. I want to tell you what you thought of this. So Shohei Otani joined. This is now sports. Yeah.

He is on the Dodgers now. And he got his first home run. Got a $700 million deal. He's the best player in baseball. Yeah, best player in baseball. From Japan. By far. Yeah. He's from Japan. He's Shohei Otani. He hits a home run. Someone catches it. I think he and his wife, they immediately get security and scuttle them downstairs, right? They hustle them underneath. And they say, hey...

Shohei would like that ball. So we're gonna give you like a bat and a glove and they said maybe We would just keep it. It's worth a lot and they said no We won't authenticate it if you do so before you leave here you tell us right now What are you gonna do? So they could even consult with and it was a little bit of bullying I feel because they wound up getting a little bit of merch and

And then they talked to a baseball collector and he said, oh, that's immediately worth $50,000 to $100,000 right away if they wanted to sell it tomorrow. And why is it worth so much? It's his first home run as a Dodger player. Was that why it's worth so much? Because he's hit hundreds of them, I guess. Well, it's his new team and his new deal and his first home run. And first is always a big deal. So what did they end up doing?

I think they got a bat and like they gave him some like popcorn and a pinata. It was something stupid. And then they, I think they said when they left, they just gave it to someone because so many people were following them.

On the way out, like, what did you get? And I think they got nervous and gave it away. This is part of this is probably a lie, but that's why they're on the Jumbotron. So everyone would have seen them. Right. Right. So they've been tagged. Yeah, they could. And people are drinking, going out through the tunnel. Yeah. Yeah. Their lives could have been. And they were sitting with Fernando Valenzuela. Do you know that is?

He was an old Dodgers pitcher that was sort of legend. And they wouldn't let him in the room or sit next to them to help them figure out what to do. So all of it was just sounding a little shady, like we're not going to authenticate it, so you can't sell it. So just give it. Everything was pointed towards just give it. And they didn't get to think. All right. That's a riveting story. Okay. Cracks are back, Dana. Okay. I know you've been saying this forever. We've come a long way.

I think Chris sent me this. Chris, did you send this in? Cracks. If you want to do Johnny Carson, say cracks are back. It is the perfect phrase. That's an easy one. Have you heard the news about cracks? Cracks are back. Not to be confused with cracker jacks. I know. It sounds like I want a cracker backer for whatever. Those dresses are what I'd wear to a chiropractor to say, what does my spine look like?

I gave you a clear view. Yeah, you could get a masseuse and just unlace it, get the massage and lace it back up. There's a lot of practical things going on with this look. When you go into Saks Fifth Avenue, you go, I'm trying to show my coccyx in a dress. So can you dress me so I... Excuse me, is this cracks Fifth Avenue? I'm addicted to crack. A pun is always fun. So can you put this something? Yeah. So listen, I think...

We spent some years trying to cover up the bodies. Then we don't cover them up. Then we cover them up again. So it just goes in a flowing fashion roller coaster, right? Well, I was around for the peak of the feminist movement. The biggest story of the 1970s was the feminist movement. Not Vietnam, not Watergate. It was a huge movement. Gloria Steinem was...

one of the leaders of it. And I just think putting her in a time machine 35 years later thinking, "Women, equality, they're not gonna be objectified." And then Cracksharp back. - She's like, "Oh boy." - Screaming, "Why, God, why?" It's like Heston in Planet of the Apes seeing the Statue of Liberty, "Why, God?" - That's what you do, Nicolas Cage says that too, doesn't he?

Well, that's what I said, that he he is a horse whisperer to this to the Biden staff when Biden starts wandering around the stage and mumbling and they have so much anxiety. They bring Nicolas Cage in just to release the stress. So he's one. Oh, no, he's off script. He's wandering around. Nicolas Cage goes, OK, why? God, why? And it calms them down. Oh, it does. OK, that's good. Yeah, it calms them down.

All right, show quickly. Cracks are back. I'm not disappointed. I'm not disappointed. Show the trash one. By the way, while we're waiting for that, Dana, look. Dana White sent me a little meteor, and I put it in a little Joe Dirt wagon with my Lego Joe Dirt I got from Disneyland. What's with the Lego land? And they go, hey, we knew you were coming. We made you a Lego Joe Dirt. Isn't that hot? It's got a mop.

God, on this podcast, you've got movie posters. You've got gifts from Legoland. It is kind of, it's quite something. When will I get a ham sandwich? There you go. I got a gift. I got a honeydew. Clean the kitchen. I got a new Hobart. That's not true. Okay. What is this story? Do you know what the story is? Can you guess? Um...

I'm trying to read it. Disguised as trash bag, a package from home? Is that the... A guy steals like a porch pirate. It was cut off, but this guy dressed like a trash bag and walked up quietly to someone's porch and put it over the package and then stole it and went back out to the street. Isn't that kind of cool? Dana's floored by this. It's...

Well, say that one more time. So he puts on a costume of a garbage bag. That's him. It's a suit, right? And then he just goes like a cartoon and he comes up and then he puts it over and picks it up and he goes beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And everyone's like, is that trash? So they looked at the ring footage and it just, a trash bag goes up the sidewalk and then goes back down.

- And they caught him. - So he just, does he see the footage and then laughs his ass off or what's the joy for him? - The guy that is in the house getting his shit stolen said where did it go and he played it back and he saw the trash bag stealing it. - The guy stealing it gets to steal the package. - Right, yeah, the guy stealing it gets to steal the package. - Oh, okay, 'cause I didn't see the whole byline. So it's a thief who's disguised as a trash bag and just creeps up, steals the package and creeps away. - Yeah, okay. - And that's a new interesting way to steal.

Well, this is, here's my hot take. If he's that clever, he probably could make a lot more money in other ways. He's got a job. He's building this contraption. It's got to be the right size. This could have been for Ryan Gosling. We should have pitched this sketch. There you go. All right, well, that's all I have. Dana, what do you think? We've gone pretty late. What do you think? I know.

We did pretty good though. I've been reading spiritual books. Eckhart Tolle, he's a little German guy and he talks very slow and he stares into the camera and he sort of smiles. The whole point of life is to live in the moment.

And that's what he's-- He's written like 10 books. He's worth $80 million. Just don't think about yesterday or tomorrow. I'm Eckatole. And I thought, damn, that's a-- I mean, so I'm writing a book called Life is a Shit Show, Get Used to It. Good night. Life is a shit sandwich, take a bite. But, you know, I was thinking about gurus and stuff. The guy does have great ideas. I mean, there was Ram Dass and gurus and I think per capita,

the most gurus seem to come from India, even if they make their way to America. And what they do, I think, intentionally, is they grow their mustache over their mouth so it looks like they're telepathic. So it'd be like, I want to tell you that we are doing many things in the name of

Bees? Hey, wait a minute. Are you telepathic or are your lips moving? I can hear you. - That's a good question. - Of course, you can hear me, but you can't tell if it's me talking. - Sideways is good. - On account of my long mustache. - Well, the mustache seems to move every time you talk. - That is just random wind. - That's wind.

I would... That's all. They all beard too. It kind of blends into the beard. It's all nothing. You're hearing my thoughts. Why are your fingers moving? You're hearing my thoughts. I wish I could talk. I can't anymore. I can only think and you can hear me. See, from the side, it's very good. It's very much...

I have the answer to everything on planet Earth. Now give me a million dollars, you fucked face. Finally. And all the money always comes into the gurus. Finally, I swear a word. The gurus are always good. All these people that, I'm going to save you and save your spirit and soul. And there's always sex comes into it at some point. They're like, oh, we worship you. You're the new Messiah. Right.

I will be having sex with everyone. This is just something I'm getting from above and it's just nothing. It's not anything to worry about. We will be having sex with my choice of people every day, but we're all still part of the group. That's

That seems to be, I don't know if it's a cliche, but it does seem like eventually you find out that the guy is really horny. So he's up there preaching, and I believe that men and people and mankind and peace and lovely and live in the moment. And now I would like you to approach the altar and squat on my lally jamba. I'm like, what?

Lolly Jamba. The girl's like, what am I doing? Squat on my Lolly Jamba. I mean, it's basically a blowjob. But listen, I'm going to point to the crowd and then give me a little money. I mean, give, you know, the whole spirit a little money after. And they're like, wait, I'm a pretty girl. I do the Lolly Jamba and then I give you money. This feels a little backwards. No, I don't make the rules.

I shaved my mustache, so now I just hold my hand over my mouth. You can't tell if it's just me talking to you. Look at my eyes. Look how big they get. I have all the answers. Now give me a million dollars. Give me that golly bomba. Jumbie jumbah. Get on that thing. It's good. We've emancipated ourselves. We do any character we want. I like that. Bolly jumbah.

All right. Well, I guess the people have had enough. I just got a message. The audience has had enough.

I think so. It's two hours a week of us now. With Fly on the Wall and Superfly, you can spend 7% of your week of your life to hear our random shenanigans. Yeah, that was a good one. Well, we want to thank Sarah Sherman for popping by. Sarah Sherman. Thank Ryan Gosling for maybe doing our sketches. And she'll tell us if she does the head thing. I think she's...

She's so quirky, she would jump on that. That's something right up her alley. I think Bula could write that. Yeah, and I think we will excise it if she uses it, but I do think surprising him on air, that's the thing. It's funny. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade. Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it. Mm-hmm.