SUPERFLY #10 - Are Comedians HOT??
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's... Because they're naked? Well, it's like the 1800th time you say, on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there, I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it. You know, Dana, I think we have a connection. We've been friends for a long time. And for this episode of Fly on the Wall, we've partnered with eHarmony,

which isn't us. eHarmony is a dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. We are not dating. I want to clarify that. But the connection is what you want in a dating partner. Just someone like, if you found someone that listened to this podcast, that's somewhat of a connection. And then you sort of build on that. You want someone with some common ground. Yeah. It's not, look, if you want to connect romantically over, you know, super fly or fly on the wall, yeah.

It just makes us happy. You don't want to be watching The Godfather and the person next to you goes, this movie sucks. So dumb. Yeah. You want to connect on all issues and harmonize in life. Similar sensibility, similar sense of humor, and similar sense of sense. I don't like when they watch The Godfather and they're like, everyone in this movie is so old. I'm like, they're 40.

Watch 2001 Space Odyssey. Too much of this movie is in outer space. I don't like it. When do they land? When do they land? Why is that stupid red light acting so silly? Who's friends with a robot? We know dating isn't easy. That's why we partnered with eHarmony because dating is different on eHarmony. They want you to find someone who gets you, someone you can be comfortable with.

Yeah. I mean, the whole idea is you're going to take a compatibility quiz, helps your personality come out in your profile, which makes all the profiles on eHarmony way more interesting and fun to read. So I think this is the goal of dating sites, and I think eHarmony does it great. It's just finding somebody you're compatible with.

So get started today with a compatibility quiz. So you can find some and you can be yourself with. Get Who Gets You on eHarmony. Sign up today. When the husband marries, who does he pick? The other one feels like an asshole. And then the other one is like, well, I guess I'll just sit here and watch you bone my sister. Sorry. Sorry.

Here, I'll give you a pop quiz. I don't know if we're always rolling. We're not rolling. Are we rolling? Always rolling. Pop quiz. Who was the femme fatale in the remake with Jeff Bridges of King Kong? And it was in Jessica Lange? Yeah. God damn. You know, the only reason I like that. Damn it, you're good. The only reason I like it is I love her so much. Oh my God. And then Naomi Watts was in King Kong.

And then it's always just whoever's the hottest blonde. It'll be Margot Robbie now. And Margot Robbie, yeah, she'll do like Bong will be Barbie and Kong. No, when- It'll be called Bong. When she gives a BJ- Maybe Garth will be in it. Garth never smoked weed. Oh, yeah, he's a virgin.

Well, he got pubes at 38. He was a late developer. Now, let me tell you something. Go ahead. I just got pubes. What do I do with them? I have Garth glasses and I have a Garth. What do I do with them? I counted them and I named them. One's name is Lucy. One's name is David Spade. Did you tie yours in knots? I said David Spade. One's name is David Spade. A full name. We

We could have had you in Wayne's World 2 just as yourself, a cameo. You push in on your pubes with a microscope and then you get to me? You play a doctor. You could be in Stan Mikita's donut shop. You could have been a psychopath or something. Another Canadian. Some kind of weirdo. No, you look at your pubes in the magnifying glass and you're really close and one pube is me. Help! That is like Incredible Shrinking Man. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, that's like Raquel Welch in...

What was that called when she shrunk down? 50 Foot Woman? No, 1968, Raquel Welch. The Incredible Shrinking... Incredible Shrinking Woman? That was Lily Tomlin. Yeah, there was some other name for it, but they all shrunk down. Wasn't it when they went in the boat? They went inside the body inside a boat. Donald Pleasance gets killed.

Anyway. All right, listen, let me do Godzilla. We've lost half our audience. And then we'll do Bethany. Let's pull over and eat, honey. This is not the best start. Is that okay? Okay, I'm going to start. Okay. Three, two. Welcome to Superfly, my guest is Dana Carvey. Welcome to take one. We're back in the studio. These albino shins are not going to make, because I saw the last one and the whole fucking podcast is that.

That's what you were showing? I got so many letters. Yeah, I didn't know. So guess what? Look at it now while you can because good night, Los Angeles. Irene. You know, when you're on a movie, they have dulling spray. They spray on stuff so it doesn't kick on camera. Right. We could have done that. It accidentally spilled on me. Those are decent chords, though. Well, I...

I don't buy anything. I don't have anything. I'm a minimalist. I didn't realize it. I don't do anything or buy anything. I know. You're Scrooge McDuck on a pile of money. I just... Well, wait a minute. Let me break down that. Wait a minute. He's got all the money and he goes to the guy. I was allergic to money. Oh, that was Scrooge McDuck sneezing? Yeah, he's over a pile of money.

Shit, you won't see that anywhere else. All right. All right. That's act one. No, I'm going to tell you about my weekend. The only highlight was- Okay, you knew that game is the weekend. I went to the Grove to see Godzilla versus King Kong. I would do that if I could. And you have to be kind of in the mood for that kind of movie, but I was ready for it. I went, I paid my $70, whatever it is, to go to a movie. Popcorn? No.

Because I used to say to my brother, we go to a movie and then we go to the snack bar. And I said, what are you going to get? And he goes, everything. Oh, that was the Garth, the Garth brother. Yeah, there's popcorn. And then.

peanut m&ms or something like that pour in them pour in them so you're going in let's just set the scene you're at the gross stadium you paid 70 they're by yourself no i haven't you have a guy with you yeah i need there's no no females want to see fucking king kong so okay so now so i go what happens next i sit through the 44 minutes of commercials i know

You see it like, you know, there's Nicole Kidman. She gets applause now for that dumb AMC thing. And then they show commercials, then previews, and then another commercial. When I saw Top Gun, you're almost about to see it. And then Tom Cruise comes on and he goes,

Welcome to the movie and thanks for coming. I mean, we're already here. Go. We don't need you. I know. I thought that was a bold move because like in a minute he's going to be Captain Maguire or something. Yeah. Hi, I'm Tom Cruise. In 30 seconds you'll see me pretending. I'll look exactly like this. But suspend disbelief. Enjoy the movie. Yeah. Why one more commercial? You got us. I go to a movie at 12, at 12, 15 star.

The movie starts at four o'clock. Yeah, that's true. Let's just put it, say it. I stayed at Cheesecake Factory a little longer because I knew that. Cheesecake. So I go in, Godzilla versus Kong. I naively thought innocently that Godzilla and Kong could be friends. Not a chance. So that was your first mistake. Yeah, I walk in, I go, maybe they're buddies. No, it's not a two-hander. Did you see any of the trailers where they're chasing each other with Fangs Bear? I know. I think it's just,

When you're a monster, you just like the challenge of other monsters. I thought the Wicked Witch would be really friends with the Midget and the Wizard of Oz. I thought they danced together. I would too at that age. We represent the lollipop. You need a bad guy. This movie is two bad guys. Kong versus Skunks. It doesn't make sense.

So anyway, they come out, Godzilla, who has like an American eagle head. He's not that attractive because it doesn't match his monster body. No wonder he's single. He's got a tiny skull. Tiny skull. Huge shoulders. Godzilla. The new Godzilla has a little head, big shoulders. Oh, he's kind of fat. Yeah, he's kind of. He's Trump. He's got Trump's kind of pear-shaped body. I'm not.

I'm Godzilla. You've got a terrific tongue. I carry weight down here. I'm kind of thin up here. The shoulders are kind of tiny. The bottom is huge. The legs are huge. No, but I heard Trump is really pear-shaped. I knew a guy went golfing with him once. No, I think he is. I think that's understandable. It's pretty obvious. He's got quite a rump on me. He says, King Kong, everyone's saying bad things about him. He's got a fat ass. Get out of here, Joe. So here comes Trump.

Kong and Godzilla, and they fight immediately. All my hopes are dashed. Go ahead. Did Dolly Parton write the soundtrack? Because it'd be like, here you come again. Looking like a fat lizard five stories tall. That I had a fight with. Yeah, so Kong... Or best non sequitur of Superfly. Take one. Dolly. So he's... You sometimes block my camera when you ask questions. So I...

That's pretty much it. Um, yeah. So the review is, uh,

Well, did you enjoy it? I'm curious just as a fan. Well, Godzilla gets jacked up by nuclear energy. So he has to run around all the nuclear pants and huff. That's how he gets. And then comes super Godzilla. Yeah, and he gets crazy. And I'm like, fucking no one's whispering this to Kong because he's going to lose quickly, I can tell. Because he's just a monkey. Who cares? And then there's a deaf girl in the movie that tries to help. She's from an Iwi tribe. And she can talk to Kong. So when Kong gets stabbed...

He falls on the ground and the deaf girl's like this. But she's not dumb and blind because I'm a big fan of who. No, she can talk. She's just deaf. Okay. She's not deaf and dumb and blind. That guy sure can play a mean pinball. Not like Tommy. Okay. So she goes, does sign language to Kong and then he goes like this. And then she goes, Kong's hurt. I go, well, no shit, Sherlock. He just got stabbed. I mean, we,

We don't need the Long Island Medium for this one. We figured that part out. Remind me after you finish your review, I'll do my Long Island Medium. Please. When I go in to get my haircut, I go, give me the Long Island Medium. I like it today because it looks unkept. It's like bedhead. It is. It's good, though. It accidentally looks good. It doesn't look... We're going to get comments and fucking... I don't care. I love the comments.

I love the rage. The radiation is good, but when he lifts his leg, you can tell his balls are smaller. It doesn't matter. Is that a joke or you really see his testicles? It's a PG. I look. Okay.

Cause in most of the reviews I read, they said, uh, disappointingly, no Kong testicles were available. No Godzilla. Cause he drinks radiation. So much fat, so much stuff. The testicles are fine. They almost disappeared. The bottom and the thighs are so big. It's an optical illusion. That's the end. So at the end, Godzilla is a, is a good guy. And then the whole town likes him. He's like throwing out a pitch. Don't tell me who wins. Well,

Well, it's more like, I won't even mention Mothra because there's a few. Mothra makes an appearance? There are too many spoilers. Fuck. But I would say it's, if you want to be confused and you have three and a half hours, go. I'm a nibbler, Dana. And I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are,

are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up. They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Ooh. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Salt, sea salt, vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah. Look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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Sarah, it's Spade and Dana, and no one cares about your 50th anniversary dumb interview. I was so excited when I got the call for us. Call us, and you'll be on camera. And it'll be seen by at least 3,200 people. Right. We get a lot of YouTube comments, which mean nothing. Yeah. So you can't call us. We're officially one one-thousandth of Joe Rogan's audience. Yeah.

We have a lot of people that watch our show that also watch Joe Rogan, if that means anything. And his brother, Biff Rogan. Get that mulligan. Who works at a target. Get that mullet. This is going nowhere. This is going to be, this voicemail is going to be cut after we do it. Don't make me sneeze again as Donald Duck. No, that was so good. I will do it if we need it. That was so good. I hadn't done that in a while. I actually was sneezing. Shit. Okay. What's going on? Oh, Long Island Medium. Yeah, we should do that.

She's like, what was it? What was it? Teresa. She never says the loved ones. Are they in heaven? What is it? You know, what's he saying to you? He said he liked his socks. He liked the yellow socks. He did. He's in the afterlife and he's communicating with us. Yeah. He said he liked the yellow socks that he had in the drawer, but he didn't say anything about meeting God. No, he just really liked those socks. That's.

That's what he's wasting his time with in heaven? It goes from there. I like it. Yeah, and then they're like, why is he talking about that? Why is he talking about that? He liked it when you gave... He liked the warm blanket you had. Oh, he didn't have a special warm blanket. Well, couldn't you have gotten him a blanket? He died of pneumonia. Couldn't you have gotten him a blanket? So then she turns on him. Yeah, she just... Doesn't he make sense? And then she flips it on him. I don't know. These are tight as fucking shit, aren't they?

We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by. So how are you? Nice to meet you, Bethany. Nice to meet you too. This is so exciting. That's Dana. Yeah, we have a little counter. There's 36 people watching us right now. No, there's not. That's a lot. It's the most you've ever had. No, this is just we tape it because we have a video one now so we can see you, which is way better. Right, and it would make you insecure if it was only 36 people because you are a comedian. Yeah.

That's a big crowd for me, though. Are you hydrating with a sort of a energy drink? I'm hydrating. I have like severe. I'm a thirsty bitch. I'm a very dehydrated person by nature. I always have like multiple beverages. Do you mind if I use that for a song title? Thirsty bitch. I'm just saying. I do not. I do not mind. I'm a thirsty dude. Listen, the fun's over. We have to find out about the crime.

So the crime, the crime at hand, Dana, there's a story going on. I always fill Dana in, but there's not one guy, probably random guys running around. I think they're guys, New York and punching girls in the face. Is that close so far, Bethany?

Yes, it was funny because when I was thinking about that we were going to talk today, I was thinking about the fact that you guys aren't originally from New York, but lived in New York when you were doing SNL and what that perspective was like what your version of vision of crime was then I was thinking of pre Giuliani and the 70s and then I was thinking of how.

I think of it now, how like some guy wrote an article during the pandemic about crime. Seinfeld pushed back on it. It's been a discussion and there's been like a defensiveness about it. Yeah. Because New Yorkers want to gaslight and pretend it's not actually happening and close their eyes and pretend they're not seeing it. So that's why I think that's an interesting discussion. We when we had crime, it was crime, but it was like big crime. Like there's a bank robber and they catch him. They'd go to jail. There's no real.

crime and punishment anymore. It seems it's watered down a little bit. So there's crime and there's not as much punishment. And that makes more crime in my rough math in my head. So when things happen like this, they sort of go unnoticed and swept under the rug. Well, to insert this for a second, once you get used to it, like in the 80s, it was pretty rough. I lived there in 81 as well. But then

I came back and like after Giuliani, I don't know what he did, but my wife and I are walking around New York and we're not looking over our shoulder. And he said, well, what happened? And then Times Square became like Disneyland. So then the juxtaposition was like, this was possible. Like, right. What happened? Right. So. Right. Right. Well, the Giuliani was the not fucking around crew. And so that's very interesting, especially when you're dealing with a jungle like New York.

And it was left kind of unguarded during the pandemic and the inmates are running the asylum. And so from a superficial standpoint, if you go into CVS, mascara and eyelashes are locked up like shampoo. Like it's so, so bad for business to begin with because you can't go in there and just pick something up and go pay for it. You have to like call four people and a supervisor to get a mascara. I mean, so that's because anybody could steal anything they want.

And a problem, Bethany, just so I can interrupt you for sure, at least once, is that when these stores, when you see that happening, they're sort of counting on a good-natured, normal person with morals saying, oh, I'll pay. These people just carry stuff out. At some point, someone's going to go, why am I paying? Like, it's just as easy to walk straight out. Like, I feel like hardworking people are getting the shaft.

By the way, it's 100 percent. It goes through your mind. Well, it's harder to pay than to not pay. Right. Right. And people are to pay. Yeah. Well, what was your blink? I mean, you were considering getting a place there, but you change your mind. I mean, was it worse than you thought? I mean, you obviously got slapped or hit in the face. We'll get to that in a second. But is it feel worse than.

Ever? Well, I ultimately it feels really bad. And David said it well, in the sense that not everything is like the most gigantic thing. I mean, the numbers don't lie, but like I wouldn't

Have my daughter who's turning 14 on the subway by herself, which some of her friends do. That's sort of been something she mentioned fluently. And I was like, absolutely not. What a daredevil. Walking around. Sorry. That's like a daredevil move to go on the subway alone now. I think what you're going to say is there's two lanes of this is the actual crime.

And then there's the threat of the crime. So, you know, I was in a CVS in West Hollywood. All of a sudden they're screaming on the other side of the store. So your day is, you know, you're tense. You're worried. So the psychology of New York, I had a friend move and he just said, everyone is angry. And he loved New York. So I have one daughter and she,

it's unfortunate that like I'm putting the fear of death in her. And I don't even think she wants to listen anymore because every time I see something that actually has happened in New York, like the punching of the face or the other thing. And like you said, we'll get into it. I'm constantly like almost badgering her because I'm so helpless that when she's with her dad, she's in New York and she's sometimes like, oh, we just were here. Or I have something on my phone that says where she was. What do you mean? How'd you get there? How did you get home? Like I am now a helicopter parent about,

this thing because you're right when i'm in a drug store my shoulders are up like any human that's near me i feel like they're gonna do something to me yeah for sure yep in the city yeah and so you got and you were one of the ones i think before this turned into let's call it a tiktok trend unfortunately but that's what it when it's on tiktok that's what they call things but so you got hit females for some reason are getting hit just tell us that yeah tell us a story real quick

So, yeah, I ultimately did get a place later than this, which is another conversation, but in a different area because I wanted to be safe and I had reasons because of work because I didn't want to be like constantly in a hotel room with a garment bag, like a hooker that I am. So separately, I was on this. And a thirsty bitch. I am a hooker anyway. Yeah. Yeah, and a thirsty bitch. So I was in New York City. I think it was like 72nd and West End.

which sounds like kind of fancy to me, like West End. I don't know, it was a new area that I was gonna look at and the building was pre-war super fancy.

And I was ironically excited because I like doings around where I'm going to look like, oh, is there a shoe repair or a nail place? And so there was this little deli and then a little bakery kind of right next to each other. And I walked in and it was this tiny place that had all these different kinds of desserts that I was interested in. And I took my phone out to take a picture of them. And I turned around and a guy just as I was walking out the door, just whacked me in the face.

And I have a driver who is, you know, he's an Albanian tough guy. He's a security guy, but he wasn't in the store with me. He was outside by the car. And when I walked out, I made eye contact with him. Like some, you know, something went down with this guy and he came over and they had words and the guy was homeless and he seemed unwell. I mean, he just seemed unhinged and unwell. And I was, I said, it just wasn't a situation where I felt like calling the police because it felt like this guy was

troubled enough on his own. I mean, you know, he's going to be there for a night and more anxiety and they're going to let him out. I just thought. And then he might have a vendetta against you because you threw him in. You just pay a big price when you go through life on guard, intense, even if you're not directly affected. And when you go to other places outside of the city, like in the country somewhere, and then you go, well, this is the way it's supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be worried at a pharmacy or just walking down front of my house.

So it's sad to hear this and I hope that they fix it. And it's, and it's, it's interesting because this is sort of might sound mean, but when they say, Oh, someone was mentally ill, uh, or they attack someone and then they have a problem with the police and,

But they say, oh, but he's they always claim, oh, but he's mentally ill. So let him go. It's like, well, listen, that doesn't mean you're not going to hit someone with a brick. That's the people you want sort of pulled in somewhere to get looked at. Someone has a mental illness that, you know, encourages violence inside their brain. That's a whole other topic. Every serial killer is mentally ill. Obviously, you're not supposed to kill people. So that's not the best excuse to say we should leave him alone and let him roam around. It's like...

It's not, but there's a version of compassionate. Yeah. And there's a version of intellectual understanding that the pandemic drove a lot of us who were sitting home and who are not broke crazy.

crazy. And so you're thinking about the desperate, it's the thing is there's a feeling of desperation and you can like, it's palpable when you're near somebody on the street, like there's a good chance if you see somebody kind of close to you, they're going to just start screaming or go off. And there's the mental illness thing. And you're seeing it in other cities too. I saw it when I was in LA, San Francisco is a, you know, a wild town now. So

It is this post-pandemic thing. And then instead of like being the not fucking around crew, like the Giuliani situation, sort of just like letting, if you let all your kids in the classroom just do whatever they want, it's not going to be a great situation. That's what's going on. Yeah, that's exactly. So was that the first time you met John Lovitz when you got slapped? When he punched you?

That's so funny. I did meet John Lovett years ago with Shannon, my friend Shannon. And he was early. He was an early adapter. A good friend of ours. And we always use him as a punchy. Are you jealous of my right hook? I heard what you said to Bethany. Are you saying I'm homeless?

No. And I punched her. I agree. We try to make light of this, but it is such a complicated situation. No, it's a traumatizing thing. You're just sucker punched or something. And you remember it forever. That really scares you. And, you know, you paint a good... Well, I kind of feel like... I feel what New York is like right now. And I don't want it to be that way. I'm so fond of New York and love New York. I don't want it to be angry and suggest. But like...

But we're talking about specifics and the thing is it is a whole macro situation because if I go there and then I text the realtor, screw this, I don't want to live here. This place is nuts because I identify the entire place with that experience. Plus I go to a normal drugstore and things are in case.

ages, then it's going to affect the real estate market and the economy. And then it's really going to be a circular reference of New York doom. I think that's what's happening. And Jerry Seinfeld, I hate to say, cause I love him and I know you guys love him, but he was wrong when he responded to that guy's open letter. The guy I think was named Steven. And he wrote an open letter about New York in the beginning of the pandemic. And Jerry got really annoyed and he wrote an open letter and it's kind of not been great. I think it's gotten exponentially worse even since then.

That's what I'm saying. Me too. I think I, yeah, I agree. He loves New York and I do too. We stayed there for our whole run of SNL. Oh yeah. All right. We'll let you go, but that's very nice of you to jump on with us. Thanks Bethany. Thank you. Thanks you guys. I like funny, you got funny guys having good, important conversations. I'm impressed. I'd love to have more of them. Weird combo, but it's so far so good. I'm sick of the funny part. I'm kind of burnt out. What am I going to do? You might not be funny anymore. Yeah.

Hey, Dana, are you going to New York? Not gonna do it. All right. Bye. Thank you. Bye, David. Can we call her collect next time? Bill her for that call. She's such a I love talking to her. She's such a wealth of knowledge. She spits it all out. Well, it's just fun when you're not trying to be politically incorrect and we're still in the mode of like, you know,

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All at your fingertips. Holmes.com. We've done your homework. We have another subject about one was the tick tock. There's an article in, in your New York times. It says tick tock people quit filming yourself getting punched and talking about it because it starts to trend. So they, it's another thing where they blame the people instead of the crime.

uh show a picture of one of the people that got hit one of the girls got hit if we have one because they actually get get nailed look at this well that's a little baby one see in that left corner but it is a goose egg uh if you can see it and then there was a blonde uh look at that that's a full egg on her forehead it's like my brian shut up brian it's a whole trend we gotta go to punch a woman because i saw it on tiktok i don't know if it's cooler to punch or get punched

We'll look at TikTok. We'll figure it out. Well, one's the aggressor, one's the victim, I think. No. Yeah, I'm kidding. But it is just kind of funny. A guy who's never hit a woman in his life is on TikTok. I know. They start punching. They start jizzing over there. It's really just, I don't know. Did you ever see Clockwork Orange? That's a weird one. It's about society just collapsing under this and the criminals take over. That's sort of what's going on quietly. It's Escape from New York and you're,

Kurt Russell? Snake Pilsen. I was going for the actual name. Snake Plissken. Yeah, Plissken. You're Snake Plissken. Fuck yeah. You're our only hope of a troubled nation. Oh my God, I hope it doesn't come to that. They're slapping people. They're punching people on my watch. You're not going to see it. No, but look at this one. This is a good story. So a guy was at Subway. Do you have that one, Greg?

Guys at Subway waiting in line. And the guy in front of him, of course, starts hassling the employee, spits on her, punches her twice. And the guy behind is a wrestler. And he just takes him down right away. I love it. No one gets involved anymore. I know he let her punch twice.

He says, one, I'll give you the trend. Two, you're going down. So he tackled him and he goes, I didn't want to beat him up too bad. I love this dude. And he goes, but I held him and said, you're not going anywhere until the cops come. You can stop fighting. I'm a pro wrestler. And the guy's like, oh, love it. I love those stories. Death Wish, Charles Bronson. Come on. Well, because we were bullied. We were bullied. Oh, of course. Right? I mean, if I was, you know. Gabrielle, so we. Zulo, stud. That's who did it. Stud.

- Let's make this entire episode about this type of random violence. - No, we're moving on. No, we're going to lighter fare. What's an excellent Golden Bachelor? What do we got? - Just lighting up the people who are watching. - Oh no, this is fun. This is fun. - Uh oh. - This is good news. The conjoined twins, Abby and whoever. - We went from violence to- - They got married. Well, we're back to lighter fare. This is a feel good story. - I love them. - I actually like the taller one. - When they took math, they really put their heads together.

I know there's too many. There are too many? I have too many good jokes. I didn't even think I had a joke. They said they have three vaginas. That doesn't make any sense, does it? Three. You think they have one or two? Well, once nature gets a little distortive, it'll start just playing with the recipe. It's churning out. Waste down, they share everything. Only one set of everything waste down.

So if they have diarrhea... That's the first question. I don't want to think about it. Just one set of the poops only. I hear that it's so bonding that sometimes even though they can get separated, they decide to stay together. That's what I heard. Oh, you mean if they could... Well, they're so connected. No, that's people that are joined at the head. At the head, but the bodies are separate. Yeah, I could imagine...

They're used to it. Okay. But these two are joined to the body, so they couldn't do anything to them. Okay. But when the husband marries, who does he pick? The other one feels like an asshole. He's like, well, it's like The Bachelor. Who gets the final rose? Because they're twins. Gives it to one, the tall one, probably. And then the other one is like, well, I guess I'll just sit here and watch you bone my sister. So one gets...

Sorry. Just cancel me now. So one has got a husband and they're making out and having sex. Yeah. And the other one is just there for the party. And he's like, you can bring your ugly sister. She's like, well, we're twins. That's a little rude. You know, for some guys, that's a turn on. Some guys, it's a non-starter.

For Trump, it happened to him. It happened to Trump again? There were two together. One I love beautiful, but the heads were together. I wasn't going to go there. I think that's enough on those guys.

We have good stuff. Where's our feel good? That's a feel good. This is the darkest podcast we've ever done. Oh, Golden Bachelor. Broken love. No, The Bachelor. Okay, read it because people are driving. Golden Bachelor and his wife still living separately three months after their dream TV wedding. I hope this doesn't hint

that reality shows are a scam. I do not want to hear this bullshit. Yeah. I just like the Easter bunny is not real or Santa Claus didn't come down the chimney. I mean, this is right up there with me. I'm, I'm fully traumatized, but there, what I thought was maybe they're doing a couple's thing like separate bedrooms. Oh yeah. We like each other better. Now, why don't you take the house down the street? Now we're really have a good relationship. I think that's happening way more than, you know, but there's States away. That's really love.

But their phone sex bill is massive. He goes, I'm too tired to even have phone sex. No, she's like, come on. She calls him by his age. Come on, 73. What are you going to do, 73? Come on, do it. You like it? You like it like that, 73? Huh?

And she's he's like, yes, 68. Here's your Viagra smoothie of marijuana. Why is why is why is sex talk always angry? What are you going to do? You like that shit? Huh? You like it? Why is it so mad when you say it to girls? They go, is that a rhetorical question? You like that shit? So I do or I don't know.

Well, look, I think they're adorable. And I think through a surrogate, they should make a human being and raise it and call the human being David Spade. That's good. I'm in two different bits now. As long as I get a laugh in the room, you can use my name too, but you're famous. It's a funny name. David Spade is funny. It's funnier to use me. But oh, here's... Well, last thing I was going to say, who is hornier out of those two on the Golden Bachelor? I think the

I think the female was. Okay, now this is Squatterburger, Danny. This is me trying to read. This is the squatter situation. The squatters, which I thought was kind of a joke, but it's a real deal. Yeah, you stay in someone's house for more than 15 minutes, you own it. Damn it, my shins are coming out to play.

Get those glare sticks away from me. Stay down there, fucking shins. Well, I told you, Theo Vaughn, I came in with short black sleeve. You come on in here with all those wide arms. With all your wide arms. With all those wide arms. And he was right. I looked at him on there. I was like a fucking squid. Like a fucking squid. Like squiddy white. Super white and black t-shirts. So then I bought this and all I wear. No, those are cool. Is it? Is that James Purse? No, The Gap, $13. Don't act like it.

You are. We're going to talk about your budget. I just take a money gun into James first. Nothing today. That's a new money gun. You've seen money guns? No, I like the new effect. Rappers have it. They stack hundreds in it and walk in a strip club and go. Oh, yeah. And then it just flies. Okay. So this is. Okay. What are you seeing? So the funny part, not that everyone's squatting. Should I face David more?

I think when you use your hand, it blocks that camera. And mine probably blocks yours. Oh, I'm blocking his. Is that what I'm doing? Is that what you're doing? No, his camera's overheating a little. Oh, overheating. Okay, because I'm overheating. I'm glad the camera's overheating too. Because of your hotness? Yeah. Okay, yeah. You know what they named today? I was looking down SNL stuff.

the best single cast. So they said, you know, like for me, they said 87, 88, but for 91, 92, they call it the best year of a single cast in the history of SNL. Oh, for real? Was I on that? Yes. And they said, Dan and Flor, myself, had left and Chris Rock

And they didn't mention Mike Myers. It was you, Farley, Sandler. It was a great cast. But I was there in 91 and 92. It should have been the day. It should have been the overlap with you, Mike, and then all of us. Well, that's what I thought. I thought that was the best, most potent year. That 92, 3. But this, your guys was great too. It was like when you took over

It was more like 94.5 or three later, three, four, five. It was more of a two, three, four was pretty big. So I thought you guys were the funniest, honestly, when I came back to guest host and I was in a room with you, Farley and Sandler and said, these guys are the funnier than we were. Oh, that's nice.

We were good sketch players, but it's different. That's nice of you to say that. It's hard to see yourself the way everybody else. You guys had... Those were the years. I know. It's like the little engine that could, but there was a couple years there that you guys were kicking ass on that show. It does also take time to look back and appreciate. So the new cast now, I think later, will look back and say, oh my God, those guys are so great. But at the time, it's never...

Like your time right then. They never. I don't want it to end. They didn't fawn over you. They didn't fawn over us. They waited till later. And then when we were there, they said, you guys are great.

And then we left. Well, you always, whoever does it before you. I saw Martin Short in 78 on SCTV. And I was like, and Steve Martin live at the boarding house. And I was like, they're doing what I want to do. And I was nowhere. So, of course, then you see them later on and you're still a little bit in awe of them. Not to over talk her, but it's just so random that Bethany was an intern for SNL.

And she had a catering company on the side, catered a Joe Dirt premiere party, and her business took off after that. Fun fact. But it's just funny the overlap you guys have had your whole life. It's kind of weird.

Okay, quickly, the last story about squatting is the funny part. They call it Squatterburger because the people, you know, these people get in your home and then they don't, and there shouldn't even be any squatters rights laws at all. Why is it someone steals your house, they can have it? Yeah, no, it's called stealing. Yeah, stealing. So these people said, no, we live there. And they go, we need proof that you live there. So they sent a Shake Shack receipt where they got an Uber Eats delivery and it had their address on it. That was one of their pieces of evidence. And it's like,

What? It could be, stand in front of their house and order. It's so stupid. The judge is like, okay, it all makes sense now. So I don't know. So anyway, that was, that was Squatterburger. Funny title though. I looked it up cause I saw it on the preview of the episode and I couldn't find it. Oh.

But yeah, Squatterburger is a funny title. Well, that brings me to this one because that falls into there's no way that's real. So this one I saw and I go, there's no way. Okay. It says Michigan's giving illegal migrants 6,000 each if you move there. You have to have one condition. You have to be an illegal immigrant. The office stated that they're renting. They give you 6,000 towards rental of apartments so you'll move there. This might be a fake story.

A side story, because I was looking this up, is that they're giving people who have a home in an extra bedroom, they'll give them $500 a month to house an illegal immigrant. Oh, in the extra bedroom? Yes. In London, if you're old and they deem that your house is too big for you, they'll make you sell it to them so they can house more people in it.

Yeah, I get it. I love when people tell me this house is too big for me. I don't want them to steal that and start shoving people in here. Well, what's the next step? It's too fancy for you? They paint it really dull? It's just too fancy. No, you shouldn't wear cords. They're too young for you. We're going to take them away. Keep that shin down. I want more government telling me what to do. I just like it. No, I like to be told. I like to be told what to wear. I'm looking at the California squatters' rights. What do they say? They actually have to pay taxes.

Oh, squatters have to? In order to take over permanently, you have to live there openly for five years, but you're required to pay taxes while you're there as a squatter. I'm surprised. But they can't kick you out right away.

They can. You just have to go through a whole procedure of filing like an eviction notice. And it says that you can. But yeah. And that they don't necessarily have rights, but there's things to protect them if they do follow. They have to follow certain rules. Why does he squatter? It's like saying bank robber rights. If you're breaking the law, why do you have so many rights over a person that owns a house? Wouldn't that grind your onion if you bought a place like I just got that little fucking shit shack?

Down south. If someone was there, I'd be like, how do I get someone out? And they go, no, I own it now. I've stayed here for four days. Like get fucked. I turned the water on my name. I'm like, I didn't know how to do that. And they do it and now they own it. And I got to go through hire a lawyer. Yeah. It's the downstream consequences. There, there is no solution. There's only trade-offs. I would try to get into this country apparently from where everyone else is trying to get in. Yeah. I mean, it's, but when you came to Ellis Island, cause I was there doing a benefit, do you have a place there?

Oh, you did a benefit there, did you? For real? Yeah. And it's pretty profound. You walk around Ellis Island and you see...

what the immigrants coming off and what the rules were, one of them was you will not become a ward of the state. And if you couldn't answer no to that, they put you back on the boat. What does that mean, a ward of the state? Government dole, government money. Oh, you couldn't be a burden. Yeah, couldn't be a burden. Maybe that's the way they said it. I think they crossed that part out. It was 1906. Now I'm telling you. You can come in this here country, but you better not be a burden to society. And that's where we draw the line. We welcome all immigrants and let's say become burdened

- Burden to society. Hello, I'm David Spade. - Oh, I thought that was Little Meech. Little Meech is a rapper apparently. - Okay.

He's got a broken finger. I didn't know that. That's Dr. Evil's son. I mean, it strikes again. I thought it was funny. He said, between Nickelodeon, Diddy, and that bridge, I don't trust shit these days. Yeah, it's funny. I don't. Is that the slang? I don't. I like that. I just sort of figured it out, yeah. Between Nickelodeon, Diddy, and that bridge, I don't trust shit. Shit. Now, what is your thoughts on the bridge, quickly? Was it an...

I still think it's fishy, even though it's water. Well, what's the rumor of Diddy and the Bridge? I don't keep up. No, Diddy...

I know we got arrested. He's saying between these three things that happened lately, there's some sketchy shit going on. Oh, and the bridge was the bridge. Okay. The bridge was the one where the boat went like this. I thought it was Diddy. Oh, my God. Look at this. Here's the big thing. Oh, my God. We have no control. Bam. That's what I thought was fishy. I'm like, you don't do a button hook when you're running pattern. It looked like it just drifted in. It didn't take a riding. Did it though? I didn't see a turn.

I did. I'm just starting trouble. Oh, come on. I took the train across the bridge. It was a friend's offense. I took the train many times. It was a choo-choo train across the bridge. Oh, there was never a train on the bridge. Holy fuck. I'm reading the wrong step cards. All right, next one. Biden not working. I just thought that was funny. Heather looks sad. We're going too long, aren't we?

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What is this? Oh, this is a fun one. I had nothing on this other than robots giving...

Hand jobs. Now, a hand job from a robot is the worst. Because they're masseuses now. I forgot to say that part. You can get a massage from a robot. The joke was. Which jumps to, yeah. I wonder if there's going to be massage robot porn. Because there's regular massage porn. They cut a hole in the bottom. I'll tell you later.

I had a masseuse. I probably said this on this podcast. What did they say to you? Give it. Give it. She put her elbow in me and said, give it. Give it. So if they had a robot, they would say that. Give it. Give it. Give it to me. Give it or I won't punish you. Mine goes like this. She said, give it. You like that shit? Give it. That shit. I'm in the hole like this going.

Do I like what? I put a fish tank down there and I put a scuba gear thing so I can watch the fish. What an idiot. It's an article. It's an article. I can't. I went to state school. God damn it. God damn it. All right, let me make sure there's no Sarah Sherman. Okay, let's talk about that story then. Is it over? Let's talk about the story. We've gone too long. I'm going to tell a story about

Oh, the SNL story. We'll get Sarah to call next week. These are all evergreen, by the way. These are fun. SNL is probably this week, though. Fee five-fold real. We're going to end on this one. We could have a two-show deal. We do. Yeah, two times 30. So this woman says this. Yes, okay. This blew up the web. Let's get down to the nitty gritty. Set it up. SNL has never hired a hot woman.

and i want to be clear i'm not saying that every single woman who has been a cast member of us now is ugly it's just that none of them have ever been like hot so i'm just gonna have looks that eventually grow on you this has been on my mind for a while but i feel like what really settled it in for me was when they hired this girl i'm sorry i don't know her name is but

But, and then they make every skit that she's in at least one skit perhaps that she's in being like where she plays like someone super hot and super dumb. And the point of the joke is that she's super pretty. And it always makes me laugh because like, no offense to her, but she's not that pretty. And I think for myself, was there nobody else?

She makes money off it. But if you get defensive, it's kind of almost, you know, giving it a thumbs up. Well, it's hard. It's absurd. You can stop it. It's hard for like Heidi Gardner to come out and say, no, I'm pretty. That's for other people to say. We'll say it. She's very pretty. So is Chloe. So is, I think Sarah Sherman's super cute. Well, let me just tell you from my perch in life where I'm at, every woman is pretty. Every single woman. Because...

That's a real strong take. That's a real. They are. Most women, when they look back, or we look back at a picture of ourselves, let's just take women for a second. They look back, like my wife says, I should have just been in a bathing suit the whole time. Yeah, they realize. Women are very harsh on themselves and we are harsh on women. And then they don't. You're hard on me and I'm hard on you. Excuse me? Yeah.

Why is everything a sexual innuendo? It wasn't. Now it is. Psychologically. No, we're always hard on ourselves. And if we don't, YouTube comments will pick up the slack. But let me ask you a question, though. So there's the aesthetic of a potential woman for David Spoodler. I'm trying to find my camera. Find your camera. Find your camera.

So define hotness because there's the aesthetic of someone who would be called a tan or has like a perfect... This woman, I think, is saying physically, physically, not to mention they're super talented. Not to mention they're super cute. Sarah Sherman has a great voice. All these things add up to what makes someone male or female attractive. And so if you're just saying, should they all look like...

a Victoria's Secret. I don't know. I mean, I just think it's a weird one. And Sarah Sherman said the best answer. Which was? She said, I'm sorry when I just found out today I'm not hot. I'd like privacy. I'd like to ask for privacy to deal with my family. Oh, God. No. Better word. If I could grieve. Ugly. Ugly.

privately and uglily let me just say this now she should do one on the men even though she did say jimmy fallon was the definition of a hot man he's cute yeah yeah well what the fuck are we over here fucking rice-a-roni no listen jesus christ throw us a little bone what are we no it's in the highest ranking i got was a six so i get it but a lot of comic dudes are are

it known for being not that good. That's part of the every man part of comedy. Well, let's just say if Carol Burnett looked like Raquel Welch, she looked like Raquel Welch. If you know the reference. Yeah. Carol Burnett looks like Raquel Welch, but she's doing the same sketch show. Google can't even find Raquel Welch.

I think the best lane for a comedian is to be kind of cute and likable. Like every single woman that we're talking about is adorable. And I can't separate the personality. When I see a woman who's funny and super talented, the attraction level goes way up because smart is, I mean, you probably don't know about this. Let me just set the table for you. Intelligence is sort of a turn on for people. You ever heard that?

No, because I'm not smart enough to even understand that. No, I was going to say that women would like you because you're high IQ. No, I, listen. You're not a dumb dummy. Listen, I always. You're not a dummy. If anyone likes me, it always starts with.

I never like good looking guys. I'm always like guys like you. I'm always like, I'm so sick of like the Brad Pitt's and the Johnny Depp's. I go, all right, you don't need to articulate like that. I get what you're saying. People say to me, I don't, I never like anyone who looks like David Spade. And that's my wife, ladies and gentlemen over here. I tell it like it is. I tell it like it is. They go, I have no idea why, but I think you're so hot. Yeah. They say on Instagram. Oh, it's like a mystery. They go, you're actually kind of hot.

You're actually kind of high. You don't need to fucking pad it with that shit. Just say,

She goes, my friends and I can't believe you're my celebrity crush. So it's like a newsflash. Like, I swear to God, I'm not lying right now. Yeah. But I'm actually attracted to you physically. Isn't that fucking crazy? This isn't a joke. This is not an album. I'm not doing a Netflix special about being attracted to David Spade. But I'm telling you. God damn, it's horrifying. I can't help it. Thank you for watching. We did long. We did an hour, didn't we?

God damn. Why do these people get so much for their free money? Fee-fi-fo-mode. I smell a second episode. This is a two-parter. As long as I can go fee-fi-whatever and complete it, I'm happy. Come on. Come on in the hall. I'm going to show you a two-parter. How are we going to end with Scrooge? Thanks, guys. See you next week. Send us your advice, questions.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade. Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment. Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey. Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.