Michael Keaton
54:51 Share

Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it.

If you're driving right now, take a look around. See all those cars? You can find them on AutoTrader because they have the largest selection of new cars, used cars, electric cars, even flying cars.

Okay, no flying cars yet, but as soon as those get invented, they're going to be on AutoTrader. Not only can you find the car you just saw, you can find it at a price personalized to you with Kelly Blue Book, my wallet on AutoTrader. From credit scores to down payments to interest rates, we all know that car buying requires a lot of math.

Enter MyWallet on AutoTrader, a tool that shows you exactly how much you'll pay each month for your car based on your unique info. So you never have to do your car math again. So whether you're into timeless classics or the latest trends, did somebody say solar-powered, eco-friendly, self-driving car? Or whether you just want something practical with no surprise costs, if you see a car you like...

Find it on auto trader. See it. Find it. Auto trader. You know, I saw the Oscars Dana was Michael Keaton and he was in the audience. He presented an award and he also did a little bit, which I thought was pretty funny.

Oh, that was funny. Yeah, I liked Danny DeVito on Arnold. And then Danny DeVito goes, Batman. There he is. And then Keith did the really straight face, held it the whole time. Someone said he just should have mouthed, I'm Batman. I'm going to ask him about, what's that movie? Not the paper. There was the paper and then there was Spotlight. He's done so many things. What a cool dude. Always in a good movie. Always laying low. Got a little bit of mystery to him.

I think split after Batman pretty quickly. It was funny when they did that bit of the Oscars, I was like, oh, all these guys have been on. Danny DeVito was just on, Schwarzenegger was on, Michael Keaton. Looking forward to it. I see him out here and there rarely. Always a gentleman. I think he lives in Montana. He looks like a guy that could have been Costner in Yellowstone.

He's a stand-up, which I'm sure we're going to talk about. He played the punchline in San Francisco before he got into movies. So that's very interesting. And he hosted SNL twice. I was there the first one. Oh, yeah? It was very funny. Yeah. Oh, cool. I'm sure he's kicking himself for leaving stand-up and becoming a monster star. We'll ask him.

Are you still kicking yourself by not playing fucking Uncle Fucker's Chuckle Hutch in Mississippi? Yeah, you could have played Sir Laughs-A-Lot in Des Moines for a long, long extra show Saturday. You could have done String of Gut Busters in Tuscaloosa. Billy's Chuckle Hut in Missoula, Montana. You know, add in that fifth show. Get the vomit off the floor and bring in the horses. Funny Bone in Nova Scotia.

There is funny bones. The funniest one I actually played was the rib tickler, the rib tickler in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Welcome to the rib tickler. Anyway, we've run out of steam and Michael Keaton. Here's Michael Keaton to pick up the pace.

I love a hat that makes no statement. Absolutely. That's me. Right down the middle. Not committed to anything. Because you don't want to go to an airport and have some funny phrase and funny T-shirt so everyone has an excuse to go, hey, my cookie. Yeah. I'm looking at spades. This is my favorite thing. I was hoping there was a Joe Dirt because I love Joe Dirt. There's a Joe Dirt hat, but on the other side. Oh, there is. Yeah. But there's also a bottle of Tums.

You fucking asshole. Whoops. Yeah, he's sensitive. Not supposed to be in frame. Everyone's fired. Just chug it. Oh, no, those are pills, right? My set designer's fired. Set deck.

uh-oh i'm trying to stay young what else can i put here that sounds young there's nothing pepto-bismol everything's old why am i far away i'm heavily medicated myself right now so i'm feeling real so great i'm feeling real good i'll give michael a compliment ready yeah okay ready this might be compliment we embarrass our guests with compliments only this

No, this might be the only compliment. I've got a few. But at the Oscars, a great surprise bit and got a fucking laugh. And yeah, really out of the blue. Can we see the face just on the Zoom? A very. Yeah, good one. I would have started laughing.

Because it was out of nowhere. And then do they tell you how far ahead do you know about this stuff? And do you ever practice? They just go, this is going to be a thing. Play along or don't. Wow. Very good observation. No, tell you what happened. How did this happen? You guys have probably done that or something like it. And it's fairly, it's kind of horrible really, because it's hard to go up there and, you know, you've got X amount of seconds to make a thing work. And I wanted to do it because I love Catherine. She's a pal. So, yeah.

they go over everything and wisely you rehearse it actually it's probably smart and so when i left to the rehearsal uh because normally i'd go no it's a simple thing and we're going to be up and off let's not worry about it but i was smart enough this time to say i get it you know where camera is blah blah blah so i went down to do it and on the way home i got a text from kimmel or molly or both saying his wife saying uh hey would you do this one thing uh

And I had planned to do the thing with Catherine, leave, and then go to one of the parties or something. So I thought, wow, shoot, okay. And I thought, all right. And then he told me what the bit was. And I thought, oh, that could be kind of funny. And I don't know who that came from, frankly. I don't know if that was something Danny threw out because I saw him there. So anyway, they said, would you do it? And I said, sure. So then this is when show business is truly fun.

truly fun and i'm sitting there what is it gonna sound so obnoxious because i'm about to name drop my ass off uh love it yeah did you say get it out yeah purge yeah it's funny i'm sitting there ready and i'm talking literally to al pacino and we're we're bullshitting and bo and this guy because they said you're on the you present now at this point and then

About 40 minutes later or whatever, you come back for this segment or... Right. They pull you early and go, you're on in an hour and a half. Let's get you back to it. Yeah. Yes, normally. Right. So not now. It's like this kid, really great kid, flustered out of his mind, you know, comes over and goes, you got to go. And I go, oh, where? And he goes, and I go, wait for that thing. We're going to go. And I go, shit. I go, okay, let's... Now he says, yes, now we're going to go see you. We're coming out of a commercial or something. So I was smart enough to say, I think,

I brought along, I didn't want to just show up like you just saw me a few minutes ago. So I had this thing tied as an ascot to go full Bruce Wayne kind of thing. So I actually had a wardrobe change. So I said, I'm running in the back. There's a black thing and there's confusion. I thought, well, it won't work out. Don't worry about it. And also I put it on. And that's so fun because you're walking in and

it's panic time. You know, no, get over it. Where's the seat? And this poor kid is sweating bullets. And, you know, you're among all these movie stars and people and there's mayhem and stuff. And you're thinking, man, I hope this works. And you're kind of pumped, you know, because you know, you know, that good nervous thing like,

I mean, this would be funny if it works, I think. And then, you know, we discussed like, what do we do? So anyway, so it was really fun because then, then, you know, you sit, you're sitting there. I knew what I was going to do at that point. So you see the light go off. I just locked in. But my first idea, I said, Hey, what do you think of this? It's fun to talk to you guys about this.

I said, what do you think about this? Is this anything? First of all, they were right. They said, no, we think the dead stare. And I went, yeah, probably right. That's stupid. My first idea was, I wondered, like, they said, you might sit next to Paul Giamatti. And I said, all right.

whomever, I'm just going to sit like this. And when they're up there, Danny and Arnold, and they do their thing, I'm just going to be bullshitting to somebody. I'm not even paying attention to them. I can show. They're just talking about shit. And then just kind of look up, just kind of blow them off like this. But I think the dead stare was probably better. You know, I don't mind a combo where you're talking and they say, Batman's here, and you go...

Yeah. You just turn straight into a lock in and you're like, oh shit. But whatever you did, everyone's in on the joke at that moment. So the fact that you're holding it so straight, like you're internally laughing yourself, right? It was kind of in your brain. You're going, this is fucking funny. It's working. And the way Danny led into it, they're talking, talking, Hey,

He's over there. It was such a great, the way he leaped on that was perfect. And what you did was perfect. You stole the Oscars. I'm just saying. Another favorite part, Michael, is when you're hustling down the stairs, you know, and they're like 30 seconds. So we come back from the break and they're like, which seat is he? And they go to some seat full and go, get the fuck out of here. And they're like, that's Cate Blanchett. Oh no, the one next to you, get out.

You can't ever. That was a really funny front. Broke Kate out. Yeah, get her out of here. We got a bit. But those unexpected bits are great. Spielberg giving points at himself gets a huge laugh when she said, I sent my nudes to the wrong person. And he points. That got a good one. But those are kind of

I guess they got to be used sparingly because it's hard to beat them. Like those, those, you know, you know, when you're there, you don't really, you can't kind of hear it on monitors and I didn't really see it.

And, uh, but I, I, I, it felt like it was when I glanced up at the screen backstage, I thought I'd film, this is pretty good. And I, as I understand it, was it actually a really good show? Uh, you know, I saw bits and pieces later. Okay. It was, it was, uh, whoever came up with the idea that the five nominees in the audience and then the five winners vet them one at a time. And it was so emotional. That was, I, they had never done that before. Right. It was fantastic. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah.

You guys would be able to do that. I think Jimmy's great at it. I mean, Crystal is great, man. But as you can imagine, you guys would know better than I actually. That's somewhat thankless. I don't mean to say that like, oh, fuck them. But it is hard. It's really, really, really hard, I would imagine. And the pressure is really on in a ridiculous way.

Right. And he's luckily had all the people on his show usually, so they're giving him a break. Joe Coy had a tougher, came in with a deficit at the Golden Globes because they weren't as familiar. And they were like, win us over. Like, we're stars. And there's a little of that. I think that's real. I would like to do it sometime. I don't know. I think the nerves would be so overwhelming. And Jimmy's very cool about it.

He's done it four times. I think that's the exact thing, yeah. But I was there when Anthony Hopkins was up for Hannibal Lecter. And then so Billy comes out, he's wheeled out, he's got the Hannibal Lecter mask on. And then Billy would put himself in film montages. And then Billy was a song and dance man at heart. You know, Titanic is going down, it's going down. It's going down. Yeah. Titanic, it's going down.

It's going down. I'm sinking. I'm sinking. And it was just baggy pants, vaudevillian, and irresistibly entertaining. And someone like Jimmy is a monologist, and he's great at it. But that is a little more nerve-wracking. It's a high-wire act. Here's a joke. Here's a joke. Here's a joke. That's nerve-wracking. You know, Broadway...

I can't do it because I don't have the room here, but I used to do that thing, like how people in theater or in Broadway, first of all, a lot of Broadway tunes, if you throw the word, hey, into the front of it, it kind of, it's, hey, people. Anything's funnier.

Hey, I'm all right. You're all right. Tonight, tonight. Or even more vague. Hey, Christmas, you're coming around. Oh, are you talking to Christmas? Yeah.

And then 10 people dresses Christmas tree. We're a tree. You're a tree. I love Broadway. What can I tell you? And that's the attitude. You both clicked into the attitude. It's like, look out world. You know? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, as a kid, I was always thrown out by musicals. I wasn't because they'd be talking in a movie.

And then all of a sudden they'd be going, pass the butter, pass the butter today. We need butter. And I'm seven years old going, what? You can do this? People just break out into songs. Right. I remember seeing it. I loved Westerns as a kid. Okay. Favorite one. We're fairly in the same. Lonely or the Brave.

Probably. Adult or as a kid, I've never seen the Sons of Katie Elder as a kid. And I was like, cool. I saw it in the theater when I was like seven or something.

The sons of Katie Elder. I would watch certain covers I just didn't relate to because they were too clean and neat and cute looking. And I remember watching one, and it was interesting because it was the West, but maybe in the 40s or something, which now I love. And a car pulled up. And I went, wait, wait, whoa, hold on a minute. What's a car doing here? In 1840. Yeah.

I bet you guys were like me when you watched movies or television shows. There were probably, my guess is you're similar. There were probably things that your little head kind of either couldn't wrap itself around or really got excited about that. The average kid probably didn't. Do you know what I mean? Like there were certain shows when in grade school, my friends would do, uh, uh,

that do uh what was that kind of colonel clink or something to do clink uh hogan's heroes uh schultz i've i see nothing i see nothing yep i remember that one shows that i never might all the kids used to love that i never thought was funny and and i always thought well i'm the weird one then because but then the ones i me and a couple of your buddies really thought were funny

It was like a small group. I'm sure you felt that way that you had like one or two guys. Oh, totally. And I had three older brothers. The whole house, my younger sister was just mad for movies. In those days, my sister loves Splendor in the Grass so much and you couldn't VCR it. So we'd wait a year and then the whole house belonged to Lori.

With the splendor in the grass with Warren Beatty and she just did pity. She just did pity. That's a reference to reveal. But I'm thinking the one for me that seemed the coolest, I was probably in junior high, was Get Smart. Me too. That was like, you hit it right on the head. That was my favorite. You know what I think it was? And then there was a thing called Duh.

oh shoot what was that show that i thought was really irreverent i think it's the irreverent thing that we like you know the the making fun of or something you know uh but get smart was 100 right right there yeah well what about hoban's heroes being like i didn't even understand the theme i didn't understand how heavy the theme was and i just thought it was just goofy guys but when you look at you go wait what was it about i didn't know until five years ago i didn't know i was like

Wait, what was it? I know. I know. Yeah. You know, here's a weird one. I never as a kid when my friends loved the Three Stooges, I went, well, I would never. I didn't believe it. I go on that people. Here's how weird I go. I'm not. And I'm not so not in on that. It's silly. It's not like I don't get it. You know, I guess I know where you're going with this. Yes. And as I got older.

It fucking kills me. Now, I look at it, and I go, look at these men. There's always that scene where there's a woman who played the role all the time of kind of naturely. And they would say, the scene would be them saying, well, Mrs. Holloway or something. And she'd say, no, you three boys behave yourselves while your house sits from behind your home.

Watch after my daughters or something like that. Just to look at these guys and she played, now listen, fellas, you behave yourselves. These are the three idiots they hire off of Craigslist, these three guys. They can't do anything. Commit manslaughter toward each other. They get a crowbar. Now go over there and shave the ice. And then he has shaving cream on the ice and he's shaving the ice. That's right.

given orders. Some amazing things. I work on those rocket ships. You too? They always come back. The boss comes in five minutes later. How's things coming along? Well, what have you done here? You've botched the job. I love them more now. They're more acid humor now. I was Abbott and Costello then. Not so much the Three Stooges. Now Three Stooges. It's so avant-garde. I am so with you.

I'm a nibbler, Dana. And I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up.

They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is Pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells. Flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Sea salt vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah. Look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

Come and eat some. Come and eat some. You could do that. Spice lovers go nuts. It's time to get spicy with Wonderful Pistachios' newest no-shells flavor, jalapeno lime. With a wide range of flavors, there's a Wonderful Pistachios product for every taste bud and occasion. From enjoying with family and friends to taking them with you on the go, which is what I do. I always have them in the car. Savory, salty, smoky, spicy, or sweet Wonderful Pistachios.

No shells. Flavors are delicious. Snacks that consumers can feel good about. Yeah, next time you're shopping for snacks, you're craving something crunchy, something satisfying, ditch the bag of chips and grab Wonderful Pistachios, No Shells. Your body and taste buds will thank us because we told you about them. Visit WonderfulPistachios.com to learn more. But I always did, I did like Amicus, kind of, but I kind of liked...

Yeah, they made, they, I kind of got that. I don't know what the, meets Frankenstein, meets Frankenstein because in the day, the monsters were the monsters of the day, you know, Bela Lugosi. And so that was sort of,

Yeah. Dependent of old, you were a little bit scary, but how funny, because they, in their script, they just go A and B ad libs. I mean, the scripts would come out. I know Bobby Slayton, this comedian, famous comedian, owns one of the original scripts of Ad Costello meets Frankenstein. And it's just A and B ad libs. So you could tell when he comes in, what are you scared of? What'd you see? Ha ha.

when he sees, he sees someone come out of the coffin and then the straight man comes in. It's such great. It pops, you know? Yeah. Oh yeah. I would love to own one of those. That'd be very cool to have one of those. Uh, yeah. I was never afraid of scary things. Things that scared kids never, uh,

It never scared me. And I didn't, I went, I know, I know there's no Godzilla, you know, I know, I just know there isn't. I'm so, I'm such a drag. You know, but when I said, my friend, here's a great, you know, I was raised Catholic and I was an altar boy. We were very Catholic and everything. And when the exorcist came out, I have a friend, I remember to see him, uh,

and visit him because he's an old pal and he's a real wise guy you know like say you know he'd make a comment uh he's a poet actually writes beautiful poetry but he'd like make fun of shit you know and be a wise ass all the time he told me so he didn't he didn't respect anything really he was really you know uh irreverent he went to see the actress went to see the exorcist it gets to the point where i don't know at some point

He gets up and leaves and goes right next door to a bar and like starts drinking whiskey. He was so frightened. There's not a chance. The fuck out of me because I didn't even my friends, high school buddies. Oh, let's go in. It's called the Oxford sister. He's the sis, whatever. We come in late. We're in the third row. We don't even know what it is. And it scared the fuck.

Fuck out of this. Oh, my God. And then I went home. My parents were in Montana. No one was around. I'm staying in this track home. I go in the door, and we had this little dog, and it's at the top of the stairs, and it's pitch black, and it's going... I mean...

The dog's a devil. Yeah, my brother. Yeah, the dog was a devil. My brother saw it and I was shitting bricks just hearing it in second hand. And I've still never seen it. It was too scary. I'm with you. Yeah. People wish they hadn't. People don't. I wish it's not in my head. There's some things you just don't want rattling around in there. And when they go, it's based on a real story. Then I'm out. I don't know this can happen. Nope, nope, nope.

Okay, let's move to like coolest guy. No, wait, I have a question about the Oscars, Dane. I have one last about Oscars. That's right. We got to get back to the guy who stole the show. Okay, ready? Listen to this, Michael. My advice to you, so you're at the Oscars. So what you probably do is you're there next to like, you know, Margot Robbie or something. And then when they hand the Oscar to someone, you just casually go, oof, those are heavy. And then that denotes that you have won, you know.

It's just a thing I would do. Yeah. That's really smart. Yeah. Like just as a really small, low thing. Like, yeah. Yeah. Heavier than you think you got to use your traps a little bit and some lats. And then, uh, also was there, was there any of the one there? Oh, wait, I want, I want to ask a question. Yeah, go ahead. I want to, was there anyone backstage? You saw this guy and you just, for some reason it popped in your head. I like to fucking smash that guy. Yeah.

It's just a random thought. You wouldn't act on it, but like that guy has a punchable face. No, I'm... Yeah, several. No, nobody. Yeah. Nobody. Catherine O'Hara, by the way. Oh, I love Catherine O'Hara. Go ahead. I just want to compliment loving her so much as a performer and a person. And I ran into her at this J.J. Abrams event. I barely get out of the house, but I was there. And we're just kidding around. I said, who makes a move in their 60s? I mean, really? This is a few years back.

Who makes a move in their 60s? Nobody makes a move in their 60s in show business. And she says, Marty, then Marty does the thing with Steve Martin, but that she was the one making the move with the half hour show. What was it called? Schitt's Creek.

Oh, yeah. She went, boom. Well, I've loved her forever. And she's kind of a pal, you know. But not kind of a pal. She's a friend of mine. Well, you meet her for three minutes. You want to be her best friend. Exactly. And she's the nicest girl, best girl. You know, we both have a big family, too. And we're similar. My mom, Irish, not from Ireland, but

So we had a big, you know, that whole thing in our background. But her family, I remember meeting them years ago, and she's just so great. I did this little movie, and I asked if she'd play my wife in this little movie. Griffin Dunn and Amy Robinson, his producing partner, had this little deal for a while where they were doing really small independent movies, and there was a Don DeLillo book called Game Six.

And I did it with them, you know, shot it for, I mean, nothing. I think, honestly, I'm not kidding. I think it might have been like 600 grand or something like that. And so besides Beetlejuice, she was my, I got her to play my wife in this movie. She's great. And that's one reason I wanted to present when it was with her, you know. Perfect.

Oh, everyone knew that are Beetlejuice fans. There they are. We all know the movie's coming out in September. So that's one thing about you. I know you did the Flash. You got in the Batman outfit 30 years later, and I guess it fit. So I'd like to know why and how do you manage your weight? Are you on Ozempic? I mean, what is... You could play...

You're the same size person. You just pretty fit. So you played Batman 30 years apart. Yeah, I did. I was kind of half, right. I mean, I was kind of bragging about it really, but I was making a joke out of it. Like, but I was pretty proud of myself because I thought there's no way this is going to work. Fit right back in. Uh,

And I was, I thought, wow, I'm a dude, you know, look at me. But you know what I've learned? Like on the first one, I thought I better get fit for this thing. Cause we didn't know the whole idea of the suit. That was Latin. I mean, that really was the day before my shot in that suit. It hadn't been ready. They hadn't, it wasn't ready yet. So I didn't know how the,

I saw images, never knew what, but how is this actually physically going to work? Right. So I thought, you know, I'm being real actor and everything. And I thought I better be fit for this thing. Never thinking, well, you know, what's the point? I was working on a bag.

And Nicholson walks by me and he goes, what are you doing? And I go, yeah, you know, sweating and being real groovy, working out, something like that. What are you doing that for? And he just walked out the door. Yeah.

There's no reason to work out because you're not going tits up. The suit stays on. That was later with Christian Bale got shirtless and did 50 pushups. There's no scene that I can recall like that where I'm shirtless or something. But also what I've learned, how stupid I was. It's actually easier to there's more room to move inside if you're smaller.

Yeah. So what's the point? You know, I've told the story, but you have to find this funny. We didn't know if the thing would work.

you know and and then it was a whole thing but geez how do you light it and how do you even move in it blah blah i'm not gonna bore you without yeah you know all that but but there was one of the first shots here we're still putting this thing together and go okay wait can you even move again i can move and but i can't sit or whatever there's a shot where i'm trying to act real cool you know and i turn like this what i the reason this whole thing this whole motion

with, I'm supposed to turn and something happens, some bad guy comes down or something, I remember it as long shot. I turned to look at him, the light's real cool. And as I turn, I turn this way and this thing, part of the suit goes, phew.

And the soup like opened up. Oh, so it's off your face. Yeah. Cause we hadn't figured out how to make it, you know, how to get that whole thing yet. They're all constantly pasting, sticking it. So that's where all that stuff came from. I thought, well, you know, it's really easy to go like this and the thing will pop like that.

It's on you so tight, yeah. The specific mouth that you would do, right? I mean, when the first Batman came out, just sort of the way you made your mouth when you were in the suit. Way more credit than I deserve. I just got to put her on. This is what I would go with and scare them a little bit. They'd be like, what is that, Captain Curious? I'm like, what?

You can't see it on zoom and it's so good. Um, uh, what made you guys say instead of doing like either of you could just do your own, but you said, no, we should probably double up here and do this, which for me is a good idea, but I don't, I don't know anything about this. Yeah. Uh, I would say known Dana since right before SNL was a big fan of his and, um,

got on SNL where I was pretty much his understudy. And then we can't really compete with Dane out there, but Dane did a great job, left. I left. I'd see him here and there. And then I started seeing him more because he lived close by the last couple of years. And we talked a lot about stuff and we'd always talk about SNL and just whatever. And I kind of wanted to do one of these. And then I thought I wanted to team up with someone that's funny, that can share. And then also he has his own people that love

him and just sort of a wider net and then it's more fun and it's easier to talk at dana's a smart dude that's a good idea it's so smart that's interesting you were not what do you mean in an understudy well dana was doing so well but he might not have been there forever you know you have your shelf life and then lauren i sort of look like him and just coincidentally was a little like him and then but i wasn't like a big impressionist and then um lauren i think

Dana was playing a little like, we got this guy right here. Oh, Lauren would say, because David would sit behind me and read through, you know, and I look over and Lauren, David's always on deck. He'll always be ready if anything happens, if maybe...

Not going to do it if that catchphrase starts to fade away. We own it. David will be right there. And by the way, he has tried on the church lady dress and it fits like a fucking glove. Michael Keaton. Michael Keaton is here. I'm just you as a host at the Monday meeting. Michael Keaton is here. He's our favorite freaking dude. But also we have the same manager.

David and I about getting put together and then podcasts became all the thing. First, they were just sort of fun. And then there was like, you don't have a manager. You've been paying them for 22 years. Mike, this year, Dell technologies back to school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

With every qualifying purchase, Dell will donate to ComputerAid, who equips solar community hubs with tech and AI literacy skills to empower remote, displaced, or disconnected communities around the world.

This is your chance to empower people globally through AI access and digital opportunity while upgrading your tech now powered by Snapdragon X series processors for game changing performance and to power efficiency. Help Dell make a difference. Shop AI ready PCs and get free shipping on everything at dell.com slash deals. Purchase any PC or monitor between

7-15-24 and 9-11-24. And Dell will donate $1.75 for each eligible product within your purchase to ComputerAid, capped at $1.2 million total. For details and restrictions, go to dell.com slash deals. You know Rosetta Stone, the most trusted language learning program. Oh, yeah. If you want to learn a new language, which no time like the present, it's always fun to learn when you get older.

I know. And it's not learning a language when you're older, you know, over the age of 20 is difficult. You know, I mean, all the high school Spanish I took a grade school Spanish, you know, all I can say is Ola and hasta luego. So it goes out of your head. So now you have Rosetta stone, David, tell them about it. Well, Dana, you know, more than anyone trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages. Uh, I mean, my gosh, uh,

They have Spanish, French, Italian, German. I don't think you can throw them a curveball. I think they're going to know. What don't they have? The language you want. Yeah. And immerses you in many ways. There's no English translations. You know what I'm saying?

They, uh, I know English. You need a Rosetta Stone for English. No English translation. So you really learn to speak and listen and think in that language. That's the whole idea of Rosetta Stone is that it sticks to your head. It sticks to your brain. I learned German out of a book. It just doesn't stick as hard. So this is, this is the way to do it. Designed for long-term retention.

There's a true accent feature. It gives you feedback on your pronunciation. Yes. And of course there's desktop app options. There's an audio companion and ability to download lessons offline. Yeah. So that's great. Lifetime access to all 25 language courses. Rosetta stone offers for 50% off a steal. And I, and I do think that the off label thing that we're, I'm ad living now going off script is,

is that when you learn a language and you learn to pronunciate the words in that language, you start to learn about the people who live there and speak that language. Sort of a subtle, intuitive way of integrating with the culture. A little different, yeah. Don't put off learning that language. There's no better time than right now to get started. For a very limited time, Fly on the Wall listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off.

You just visit rosettastone.com slash fly. That's 50% off, unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash fly today. Now, we should talk about a little project at some point. Knox goes away. Yeah, I directed this movie. It's good.

But mostly what's good about it is the cast is pretty damn good. That's was Pacino and James Harden, Mary, I mean, Marcia Gay Harden. It's just really Susie Nakamura. You know, I wanted somebody funny in there. She's James Marsden. James Marsden. James Marsden's from jury. I just saw him in jury duty, right? Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, we should talk about that show, the show. So this movie, so yeah,

like that. You know, I directed before and this was something I wanted to do, but it was not like I must tell the story. I've been dreaming of this story for years. It was a script that came that was really well written.

kind of sat around the house for a while, you know, it was offered as an actor. And then went off and did something, came back, picked it up, did something else, came back. And I didn't think anyone was really interested before anymore. And they would call me and say, Hey, what do you think of this? The writer would like to know finally, and I don't blame the guy. And I said, yeah, let me read it one more time. I think this is pretty good. And then I said, you know, the only way I want to do this is if I can direct it to, so we started doing it, you know, you know how it works. There was like 20,

four or five days to shoot it. Um, I got this really good cast together and, uh, it's pretty good. Oh, it's cool. I saw the trailer. It's very cool. It's very interesting. I did not know you directed it. Can you hear that? I did not know you directed it. And now I, uh,

It's even more props to you because right away it's a very interesting story. Could you tell a little bit about it just so people know? I'm not good at it. Yeah, here's the setup. Contract killer. I'll tell you where you're right and wrong. Thank you. We'll fill in the blanks. I could say it really fast. I think it has an incredible hook.

You could call it a hook. And if you guys could travel with me while I sell this thing and just pitch in. This guy is a contract killer, hitman if you want, but it's not really a hitman movie at all, actually. So he's got this form of dementia called Crutzfeldt-Jakob.

which is also a good name for a comedy team, now that I hear Mike. Or a forward in the NBA. That's right. From Lithuania, Kristap Otrop. Another Eastern European. And it's an actual disease, and it goes fast. Once you're diagnosed, there's not much time. And James Morrison plays my kid, and out of the blue, I get this news that I've got it.

So you had the ticking clock thing and out of nowhere, it's a great shot. By the way, I'm very proud of it. I hear something at the door. I start to slowly walk out the door, really beautiful shot comes down and the door swings open and you see Marsden there who is unbelievably good in this movie. Like his hands are at sweat and bullets, emotional kind of crying. And I go, who the fuck is this guy?

And it turns out he's my son. And so he comes back to, he's in, he's in big trouble. And so we, it's this thing of me trying to pull this deal off. I'm trying to speak in a way where I don't do too much of it, trying to pull this deal off with my, with this, with Morrison's character in before I'm totally gone. So I progressively get worse and,

As I tried to basically get him out of a jam, to put it mildly. And Marston, I was saying, I keep saying this, I need to stop saying it.

I go, wait, don't people see James Marsden in this? They're going to, they're going to be knocked out. Truth is, I don't think our actors will be. I think, I think people will go, yeah, I knew the guy could do it. I've seen a lot of this stuff, you know, and it's harder for some of those, those Hanson boys, you know, to break through that thing. Oh, I know. Dead to me. Well, he was so brilliant and dead to me, you know, um,

Amazing. And I think that what I love about this, and it must be must have an interesting challenge for you, is you take a guy who's a hit man. He's a badass. He's got his wits. It's kind of that's the way I see it. And then slowly but surely, it's like Superman having a little bit of kryptonite in his spandex slowly, but surely he's losing his superpower.

And so, and there's a race against time. Is that kind of the engine of it? And you had to play this little demented, little more demented, little more demented. Shot everything out of order, especially when you only have 24 days. No one should say, well, we need to shoot in order. So I was always checking. Here's what I wouldn't do again. I actually like directing myself. I've done it twice now. And a few times when I did the Letterman thing, the Letterman film festival, which you guys I'm sure have seen. But you save a lot of time. But the problem,

I wouldn't do this again. I wouldn't play the lead this hard, this complex, where you go, wait, where am I now? What am I doing now? How bad off am I? It's like when I did Multiplicity. Well, that's a show in and of itself we should do because making that was insane and so much fun. But we all appreciate this. Sorry to go off. I really should be selling this movie better. Five characters. Five.

five or was there more? And I didn't want to do the fat suit thing or the change in the makeup thing. Like, wow, you know, now he's got a big nose. I wanted to do well, but if he's just off a little, you know, except for the one guy who goes totally off and I totally stole from Jerry Lewis. But if you, if you go off a little, he's just off a little bit, but how we would do it. You're the perfect two people to talk to about this.

there'd be a ping pong ball and a light stand or something in your office. Then we hired a couple of these younger actors who were great if I needed something to bounce off of. But while I was doing it, let's say I was playing three,

who was the real sensitive guy, I'd think of an idea knowing I'm going to be around the other side talking to one of my other guys. I'd go, oh, so I'd have to set myself up ahead of time. To react on the other side? Yeah, yeah. And then you go, wait, we might not shoot that for a week.

You know what I mean? So I'm going, oh, man, I got to remember that thing. You know, how do I do that? Or I'd make a note or something. Do you guys, did you guys work? Are you a writer downer? Like Chris Rock is so unbelievably organized. His work ethic is so good, I think, from what I know of him. But I was listening to Bill Burr talk the other day. He says, no, I don't do that at all. I just kind of, I see something. I don't really go over it in my head. I don't want to write it. I know it. I get up on stage and I just start doing it.

No, not me. Yeah. I write down a lot and I, I have to remember inflections and now I'm gotten to the point where I audio record it because of inflections and a different way to deliver it. So I can remember. And Dana. Um, for me personally, I think that the style I like to do was really best in small clubs. And the club that made me was San Francisco, uh, in the Haight Ashbury, the other cafe. Cause

Cause you're playing honky tonk bars and the blenders going shows your dick, you know, that kind of stuff. Um, but for me, a small room where I'm coming onto this stuff is the most exhilarating. I get rare. The redundancy of standup word for word gets really hard for me. So I try to deconstruct it. I try to make myself laugh. I try to surprise myself, but if it is like two or 3000 people, uh,

I lose a lot. So if I did another standup special, I'd want to do it in a really small room, 30 seats, 40 seats. That'd be the best. Yeah, truly. Wow. I remember when you were headlining the punchline.

They said this guy, Markle Clotten. They never got your name. Markle Clotten is playing the punchline. Markle Clotten? Who's he? But you were a really great stand-up. I mean, you were a headliner. Well, not as good as you guys because people don't know how hard it is.

To get to where you guys are to get that good, how much work there is and how difficult it is. No one really appreciates that. I was on a movie once a long, long, long, long time ago. We're talking about stand-up.

And he's an actor, not a famous actor, just some guy playing and talking. And I'll never forget since he said it like this. He said, huh? He said, yeah, I never did stand up. I didn't say anything, but I thought, dude, you have no fucking idea how hard it is to get to the level. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, I probably could have done it if I wanted, you know.

They don't understand because they're funny at the Christmas party. And then they don't know. It would be funny on demand when you have a migraine and you just bit your tongue and you're so bored and you're tired and then you got to go out and dismantle the room. That takes a long time. And you remember when there were like 11 stand-ups? Now there's 11 in my house somewhere. I'm going to the garage. Yeah.

Well, you influencers go out, you know, young women or men and they do the two minutes there. They take and they put it on. Yeah. And then they try to put them at the chuckle hut in Fresno. You know, they're going to do an hour and it's no, it doesn't work.

like people now in comedy, don't you think? And really good standups, like really, really a lot. You would think that couldn't happen. You know, just the numbers wouldn't work, you know, but there are, there really are. People are getting good at it. Yeah. Michael, is this, I think I've asked you this just out in the world, but did, was one of your jokes, what if it's bad and I,

say it's you, but I like it where you say Atlanta, Minnesota, and it was three degrees. I was like, why be any? She led somewhere that was one degree one. I said, well, I have any, I say that so much. I try to attribute it to you. Sometimes it slips my mind, but I had a joke like that or it wasn't near as good, but how did people reminisce in the year two?

Remember early one? Let's go back to those days. Same kind of joke. I was shitty at jokes, though. I never really told jokes really well. You were a rhythm actor guy. You did the gangster guy, which Lovett said it was you later on, but whatever. But I know that you did that kind of, yeah, that's the guy. That's the ticket, right? You did characters, attitudes. 30s line.

I remember writing, yeah, I go 30 in old movies. Got a guy's like poor guy. Everybody was beating up over that. I thought, please let this man off the hook. The thing he does is probably his own thing. I had no idea. Anyway, I should be probably selling my movie more. I'm sorry. I'm bad at this, but it's really good. I hope everybody goes. I'd love talking to you guys about this stuff. Well, by the way, selling it, I think you've, you've sold this hook because

When I saw the trailer, I don't want to know anything else. I'm just like, I'm already in. Like, I don't want to know all the tricks because you'll start to figure it out maybe. But also, I ran into Mila Kunis earlier.

Two nights ago. Are you doing something with Mila? It's actually a comedy. It's not hard, hard comedy. She's a really nice girl, woman. And Halle Myers, who's Nancy Myers' daughter, wrote it. Oh, okay. Yeah, and it's this really nice little movie. It's softish, you know, very kind of emotional, but sweet. It's really good. This woman, Halle, is so interesting.

She's really smart. And she's so loves comedy. And she's so, she's very old school. She loves old classic movies and she's young. I mean, she's in her thirties, I think. And here's, what's really funny. I was at,

I was actually talking with Marty Short. I was at her mom's party once. I don't go to a lot of parties, but I was at her mom's party once right up the road here one time. And she said, come here, I want you to meet my daughter. And she was a teenager. And so this kid was like 14, 15 years old at the time. And she was a massive fan.

Like she knew everything I did and she was shy and everything. And she said, no, she said, she said, this girl's like your number one fan. She was like a little kid. Um, and then she ended up directing, which is kind of cool. And then you get to be in something with, yeah. And Nancy, who was one of the best ever, uh, of that genre. Did she do, what was the Diane Keaton movie with Sam Shepard? She goes out in the country. Sorry. Yeah.

Do we have a winner? But I think it was a Nancy Meyers. She makes pretty movies that were just so irresistible. So many. Mama, baby, something. I can't. My wife's not here. Anyway, here's a question I have for you. It might be a non sequitur. How much if they could do a movie with AI where they would make a virtual you?

but you didn't have to be in it. How much would they have to pay you for you to give them permission? - Whole lot. And you know what? - Whole lot. - A guy I know who was way ahead of us years ago, in fact, another friend of mine, I'm gonna see him here in a couple days, hit me to this so long ago, said, "Here's what's gonna happen." And he totally called her. And this was like, I'm telling you, he said this to me 20, I'll bet you 20 years or more. - Wow. - So scale plus 10?

If you've ever been to the market for a new home, you know how home shopping can be, and that can be a lot. There's so much you don't know and so much you actually do need to know. What are the neighborhoods like? Good question. What are the schools like? Who is the agent who knows the listing or neighborhood best? And why can't all this information just be in one place? Maybe it is. Why can't it? Guess what? It is. Now it is on homes.com.

They've got everything you need to know about the listing itself, but even better, hold on. They've got comprehensive neighborhood guides and detailed reports about local schools and their agent directory helps you see the agent's current listing and sales history. Wow. That sounds good. Homes.com collaboration tools make it easier than ever to share all this information with your family. It's a whole cul-de-sac of home shopping information.

All at your fingertips. Holmes.com. We've done your homework. Dana, the road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories. Oh, yeah. Or it can be short and thrilling or somewhere in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring is straightforward path every time. All you got to do is head over to good old BlueNile.com. Good news, David, on BlueNile.com.

You can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler. The original online jeweler since 1999, they've committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Their diamond price guarantee means that in most cases they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Everything.

Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. In most cases, can be delivered overnight. You got 100% satisfaction guarantee. Guaranteed free shipping and returns. So you can make sure your ring is the one, the one you want.

And because you want that love to last forever, you get guaranteed service and repair on it for life. These are great deals. I got to say, you know, I mean, you just want to have that loved one pick up that box and go, honey, I don't know what this is. And then you say, well, maybe you should open it. Okay. And then you hear, oh my goodness. I love you. I love you. Blue Nile. She says, I love you to blue Nile.

Yeah, because it's such a nice ring. It's an unmarked thing, but then it says Blue Nile somewhere. Yeah. She goes, oh, you couldn't have. You wouldn't have spent that much. Oh, this has got to be a trick. This is too nice. Yeah, no. Right now, get 30% off. Select Lab Grown Diamonds on BlueNile.com. Plus, use code FLY, very important, to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. What is it?

That's $50 off with CodeFly at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. I had another thing for Michael. I know we're grating his nerves, but it's almost over. I just re-watched, actually just asked Adam about the Farley bit where you beat the shit out of him. The famous grandma and her boy, whatever, you and Chris and Adam, and the dress rehearsal is on YouTube.

which is next level. But also the way you beat the shit out of Farley.

And the way Farley would throw his body around? That sketch, watch it this morning. It is irresistibly funny. And talk about three stooges. You are just, you're grabbing his nose at one point. Was that your idea? Yeah, that's one of my favorite things I ever did. You know, I've never been good on that show particularly. There are a couple shots here and there, but I was never really very good on it, really. I don't think. But that was so, so fun. And that group of you guys was really fun.

fun, nice, nice welcoming group of guys. But I would tell you this, not to get that spade. Well, first of all, you guys make me so fucking happy when I watch you, you make me laugh so hard. Like,

I thought, how great is it that I get to hang out and talk to these guys? Cause I don't see you in life that often. I run with Spade down there and all you guys have done. I mean, honestly, Dana, you make me laugh so fucking hard. Uh, it's crazy. And Spade, you, you, you did something one time, uh,

you know, everybody goes through some up and down stuff, right? And I was in a, not a great spot, right? One, two, one, bro, you know, up, had a happy guy there for a minute. And my wonderful older sister who passed away came out, she was hanging out with me because she was feeling bad for me. And she said, let's go to the movies. She talked me into going to the movies. I said, I don't know,

I wasn't moping. I'm not a moper. I was like, yeah, it's kind of like keeping it all into my unhealthy self. And I said, all right, all right, let's go see fucking Tommy boy, man. It's hard to get to an ear in that. Right. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, I think it's a, I think in its own world, it's a perfect movie. And I thought, man, I'm lucky. So that, that, that,

I picked me up for about an hour. After that, I was pretty much back down. Well, when you have a 40-year career, I don't know when your first movie, like 81, 82. Ron Howard, by the way.

What's the deal with that guy? I mean, come on. He's such an asshole. The Dalai Lama decided to be a director. That's the way I describe Ron Howard's vibe. But when you have a 45-year career, you have to have some dips. Even Jimmy Stewart and Henry Fonda did sitcoms in the early 70s. I just wasn't a bad... I wasn't career-wise. I don't really think... Oh, it's just a bad mental place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Dana. Yeah, yeah. I don't think... I was never like a career guy, you know, except that I was a...

I'm a shitty card player and I'm a, I mean, horrible. Like, I don't even know how to play. I don't know how to gamble. I can play blackjack because that's not too hard to understand, but I'm horrible. But with me, like taking risks and stuff, never even thought about it. Don't even think about it. I go, yeah, I'll take a shot. Yeah.

Yeah. Which is stupid basically, you know, but I always gambled on myself. So I never looked at like, Oh boy, this is not, I mean, I'm not nuts. I look at something and I hope it really does well. Or sometimes you do it because you go, I can financially really do well here if this does well, or I haven't, but mostly it was about, wow, I never did that. Or I wonder if I could do that. Or that's pretty interesting. You know,

I really miss doing a comedy. That I miss a lot. But it's just hard to find one that's really funny. I think that people from afar feel that about you. You're not like a celebrity. And that's different than being a

a great, funny, dramatic actor with a career. There's no sense, you know, and when I'm looking at your Wikipedia page, you go, oh, that movie, oh, that movie. Oh, and then you did that, and then you've got Dope Sick, and you're doing, you get the Emmy for that, and it's been remarkably consistent now that you see it, and varied. But I want to ask you this one question. There is, in my mind, what I call a sleeper movie, it's not necessarily a blockbuster movie,

A sleeper movie is when your friends are coming over, relatives, and you go, let's put on a movie. Have you ever seen this movie? And you know they're going to like it. And you have a sleeper movie. Every time I've said to someone, oh, we're looking for something to watch tonight, you know, and it's an easy movie to watch, I go, watch The Founder.

You knew it? You knew he was going to say it. Every time they go, oh my God, the founder. And even recently in the last few months. Thank you. It's just, it's so good. You get to learn all about McDonald's. It's a true story. I'm going to watch it. And you are, I assume you would feel it like just so in the pocket. You're like the guy. And the fact they got you to play Ray Kroc,

It's the kind of thing you go now. No one else could have played it as good as Keaton in that particular part. And I say the same thing to Owen Wilson. His sleeper movie was maybe it's a little more high profile is Midnight in Paris, especially with women. I mean.

If you have not seen Midnight in Paris, watch that movie. But The Founder is yours. I really like that movie. Proud of it. That was Hardy Weinstein totally burying it because he was caught up. This was before he was exposed and all that, but he kind of downplayed it.

And people were screaming at him, angry, you know, some of the executives, he wasn't pushing it enough. And I remember everybody getting excited about it. I said, let me tell you, you can say it to his face, but Billy Bob Thornton did this. Billy Bob Thornton once directly said to him, called him every name right to his face. You dig, you liar, you ding, you ding, you're this, this. And I said, you can say anything you want to this guy. Trust me when I tell you. There's no, he'll just look at you and go,

Hey, you want to grab some lunch? He could not care less. He could not care less. I swear to you. So I said, you're, we're, it's the, he ain't going to do anything if he doesn't want to do it. I never cared for him personally, but, but I said, don't get excited about it. You know, this is it. Whatever, whatever happened to that guy, Harvey Weinstein, whatever happened. He's got a little, he's got a belly. I think. You know, Michael, I,

I would never compare careers, but I've done movies and the sort of, Dana put it in a nice way because it's a great movie, but when people say ones about me, they go, you know the one I actually liked?

And then I go that you could stop there. I don't want to. No, I don't want to. Like some guy came up to me. One guy once said to me, Hey, I really enthusiastically. Hey, I really like some of your movies. That's pretty good. I'll take that. Actually. You shouldn't take that. I'll take it. Yeah. And I appreciate you saying that about Tommy boy, because like, like, like you and that sketch that you did and you on the show, I think you did one called darty eyes too, maybe, but when you're,

When you get that close to the Farley and in the pocket like that, it's just so fucking fun. It was just a gift. And you got to do it, too. It's so fun. And you really, I don't want to repeat myself, but you just beat the hell out of it. You know, it made it even funnier. And Farley loves that. Hit me harder, Michael. Oh, yeah. Right. There's no harder, harder. Yeah. Yeah. Which, you know, could be examined differently.

I shrinked some shirt. That was like a Three Stooges sketch in the sense you're coming out, what's going on? What the hell's going on here? And then you just beat the shit out of Fari. Go back in the room. Then you come in the G-string with the leopard G-string. What the hell's going on here? It's called Bobby Watches Grandma on YouTube. Michael, thank you. You're a stud and look for both movies, Seth.

And Beetlejuice, of course, in September. Get a meal after. All right, fellas. Thank you very much. We enjoyed it. Take care, Michael. This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Please follow, subscribe, leave a like, a review. All this stuff, smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts. Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, and Heather Santoro. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.