Julie Bowen
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it.

So today's show, Julie Bowen. I was going to go Julie Bowen. Okay, good. I'll start over. No, don't start over. I was inspired by your... Julie Bowen. What song is that? It's James Bond. Oh, okay. Okay.

I'm telling you. Julia Bowen. Come on, wake up. Come on. We got to get this podcast going. So she is a modern family. She's done a million things. Happy Gilmore. Happy Gilmore. A lot of movies. She's what I would call a kick in the pants. She is a lot of fun. She's a pistol. She was funny the whole time. She made fun of me the whole time we dated in the old days. Wait a minute. What? What is that?

What's it about? Date who? Date what? So this is one of David's ex-girlfriends, but friends. Yeah, we're still friendly, and I don't see her really much because she lives in the Valley. Gross. But no, we're still friendly, and she's always funny to talk to. She busts my balls the whole time, which you thought was funny. I was just barrel laughing the whole time. I was bent over with tears.

Tears of joy. She was just funny. Yeah. This one is just a lively, energetic, funny little visit with Ms. Julie Bowen, who I had never really met. Yeah. And so I just enjoyed her company. I thought she was so cool. She just produced a movie, Prom Pact. Bless you.

And she has this preteen skincare brand called JB Scrub. Do you know that? It gets your pits. No, I wouldn't use preteen skin products. I've never heard of that. You're 14. No, man, that's a teenager. No, this is, tell it serious. It gets your pits, butts, and nuts. That's the hook. Isn't that funny? Pits, butts, and nuts? Yeah. With a JB Smooth Cream? JB Scrub. JB Scrub. And by the way, 15% off if you put Fly Friend 15. Yeah.

So for our audience that is 12, is this for who's this? Or for their kids. Or for the kids. Okay. So it's J.B. Smoove, Pits, Butts, and Nuts. Speaking of young, someone thought I was 48 recently. Your mom? Is that young? It's not even young. J.B. Scrubb. And it's not because he's J.B. Smoove.

Hey, I got something for this. These are my jokes. Remember, JB Scrub, rub-a-dub-dub. You could say in the tub. I set it up for you. Yeah. Oh, I didn't say it again. JB Scrub, rub-a-dub-dub in the butt. It's close.

You know what? Let's let her tell you about everything. Here's Julie Bowen blabbing with these two idiots. Julie Bowen and wait till the fireworks start to happen between young David and Ms. Julie Bowen. No, she's trying to start trouble with me and I just, I'm such a fucking professional. Some stuff happened on this particular episode that's never happened on other episodes. I'll put it that way. Stop your car. Don't even drive listening to this one. Pull over and call in sick at work.

So serious. Oh, wait. Why am I in like a tiny chair? That was intentional. We want to feel. Is she low? This is like a teacher parent conference. Julia's being very. Yeah. Will you grab one more? I don't know what's going on. You look like Megan in that movie, Megan. Megan? I don't know the Megan dance. She's an 11-year-old sex doll. Yeah.

Why did they make Megan such a sloth? Sex doll was meant to mention within 32 seconds. Why did they make Megan into an 11-year-old sex doll? That's a good question. I don't know if the robot needs a Kylie Jenner lip kit. It is.

Did you see? She has like eyes shut. She's like, I'm Megan. I'm like, that's not the movie, is it? For the teenage girl audience, I'm having a candy bar. I don't think it's for the teenage girl. I think it's for the teenage boy audience. I have three teenage boys and trust me, they are all spending a lot of time in the shower after that one. After Megan.

After Megan. Hey, save some water. There were five boys or four boys in my family. Four? Which one were you? I was the youngest. So I got, you know. Oh, so they ignored you. No, not necessarily. No, but in a good way. Well. Thank you so much. My sisters possessed that we all bullied her. They go, Lori, we were all on our own lane. Wait a minute. There were four boys and a girl? And a little baby girl. How Catholic are you?

Protestants. Oh. I'm a Protestant. We don't have sex and we don't make a lot of kids. My mom had five kids by the time she was 31. You have three though, don't you? I have three, but I had two at once. That was not on purpose. That's not your fault. That's not my fault. When did you know they were twins? You're having twins. I knew. You know what?

I'm not a hippie and I'm not like super fruity, but I'd had one kid. Shut the fuck up, David. I can already see you. He rolled his eyes. I'm not fucking super fruity, but I did have a dream when I was pregnant and I woke up and I said to my then husband, there's more than one.

I just had this crazy dream. He goes, there better hadn't be. I go, you're coming to this appointment with me today. And we went in and that was the day they're looking around and stuff. And they're like, there's one. There's two. There's the other one hiding. And he goes, he looked at me like, you fucking witch. What have you done? Like, how did you make, how did you create two babies in you on purpose? I think it safely was going to be harder on you than him. I don't know. My breastfeeding kept him up at night.

What does that mean? He used to tell me, he goes, you breastfeeding is hard because it keeps me up at night. What's hard on him? He was joking. My dad would go, tough life. Tough life. So how do you two know each other? I get a sense you have your friends, right? You know each other. I know her. I'm just guessing. I don't know. Why don't you tell him, David? Why don't you tell your friend Dana how you know me? Yeah, what is going on here? I mean, I'm just...

I'm a fly on the wall right now. I met Julie, I think at a Golden Globes party. Is that possible? Golden Globes party. HBO, Golden Globes party. You were with Steve Levitan. Oh, I was? Steve Levitan. You were there for, you'd been nominated for Just Shoot Me. Second time, yeah. Oh,

I'm so sorry. We're not keeping track. He's like, I don't know. When was it? Second time. So you sure it wasn't the first time, David? No, you know what? I mix it up. It's all jumbled. It's all jumbled. It was one of those awards. Did you win an Emmy? I can't remember. I don't remember. I don't think it's about that. Sorry, it doesn't make you a better person. Wait, David, did you win an Emmy for Just Shoot Me?

Honest. I did not. Okay. It doesn't make you inferior. Others of us win Emmys. It doesn't matter. I was back when those Emmys really meant something. I would have given you an Emmy. Yeah, back when they meant something. Now they just hand them out like candy. I think you got handed too. I think you got right. 2011, was that the pandemic? And 2012.

Yeah, I got one of those pandemic Emmys. I got a COVID Emmy. How many nominations for Modern Family? Just say it. I don't know. Six, something like that. Was it for me or the show? Six nominations. You know what, Julie? Honestly, I thought you hosted SNL twice and you voted two Emmys. I've never fucking, no, I won two Emmys and I've never hosted SNL. No, I would never host SNL. You kidding me? That

That is terrifying. I watch it now. Also, I'm kind of into, like right now, how you guys watch SNL every week, right? Nope. We have seen. I see it on Instagram. They have clips of each sketch. We'll see clips. I'll go, you know, on Sunday, you can go on and watch all the sketches. Right. And watch all of it. But the guests this year in particular are like, it's like completely, it's all new. Like there's none of the classics, you know. There's no Tom Hanks. Oh, the guests...

The hosts. Yeah, all the hosts. And so when I watch it now, I'm like, oh, I could maybe do it now because it's just like they're much nicer and warmer, it seems like. Who is? I don't know. It feels like you used to have to come on and kill in the...

in your opening monologue? So now the hosts don't have to be. No, they are. They're really funny, but it's much more gentle and kind about that. They're like, I'm so honored to be here. This is so exciting. It's emotional and almost serious. Yeah. A little political statement. Yeah. And a little bit of like, this is, you know, what SNL meant to them growing up and how much it means to them to be there now. Like even, you know, Liev Schreiber did a whole like, this is such a big deal to me. And I was like,

And Martin Short is on top of a piano. I love Rain. He's crushing so hard. Right. And so it's not as hard on the jokes as it was back when it would have. Did they reach out to you?

I would imagine they were. During your 10 years or 11 years? There was a soft, there was some soft ask. Because you weren't on NBC. They're pretty loyal. You were not on NBC, right? You were ABC or no? I was on NBC when David tracked me down. I don't know if that's the terminology. That was Ed. I did a show called Ed. Oh, that is the terminology, yes. Yeah, tracked. I was doing Ed when you were doing. He stalked you? He stalked me. We were at this. I was with Willie Gerson. Strong accusations.

R.I.P. He was on, he invited me as, he's like, I've had this said to me more than once, you look like somebody who's got a nice dress hanging in the closet.

It's like the day before some award show. Clearly everyone else has dropped out. Could you possibly chuck on your dress and show up? That wasn't me. That was Willie. No, that was Willie. Okay, yeah. So I went with Willie and you were there with Steve Levitan and you walked by me and then walked right back again and go, hey, do I know you? I know you. What's up? What's up? And I said, no, no. I think I said, do we have the same barber? Speak.

Spade has the best pattern with women. I mean, just even the flight attendant or whoever. You do. You have a good... They like...

Because funny matters. My family, when I started dating David, my family was like, oh, dear God. They're like, what? And I said, funny counts. I don't need to hear behind the scenes. Funny counts. That's the name of your next book. Funny counts. They go, does it count that much? Funny counts. It counts a lot because you, like Laura Michaels said once, you can't marry a face.

Because eventually you don't even see the face. So you have to marry a personality. What's better than someone who makes you laugh all day long? Right. So David tried to track me down through, but this is where he shot the bed. What channels did he use? Are we allowed to swear on your show? Sure. What the fuck? I don't think we can say track me down again, but we can swear.

What kind of tracking device did he use? Was it a private detective? No, a publicist. Okay. Which was such a fucking C-. I want to be tracked down, though. Isn't it flattering to be tracked down a little bit? Not by a publicist. There's no other way. By telegram? When you figured out that, because at first I told you I was a dog walker. Okay. Because you were like, I know you. I go, no, no.

Because I was like, if he doesn't know, what am I going to give you my resume? No. You had no idea who I was. You did the right thing. You just thought I was cute. I said I was a dog walker. You're like, hmm.

And then I ran into another party somewhere. And then the next thing I knew, I had, you did track me down through, you figured out I had been happy Gilmore with Sandler. Okay. Anytime he's mentioned, I try to do that. She did the best. You didn't bother to go through Adam. You didn't go through anybody personal. I didn't think I went to Adam knowing my personal business. This is a Conan Johnson PR firm and we're looking for Miss Julie Bowen. It was literally this woman, um,

I don't remember her name, but she tracked me down. I had a bunch of, a couple calls from her. David would like to talk to you. David liked, and I was like, fuck that. They would like to see you in his office. You literally were, fuck that? Well, I got. She's like, fuck that. Yeah, a publicist. You were on Ed, right? I was on Ed. It was not a lascivious, fuck that.

No, it was not like, I don't want to fuck that. No, it was, it was, it was not that for sure. It was not that it was not that. And then you did that. I was living in New York in this building. Uh, I remember I was in the gym really early watching TVs with no, you know, they had no, no volume.

And I see that you had been tased by Skippy. Well, okay. That's a story we have not explored. You haven't explored this? On this podcast. It's been mentioned, though. David was tased by Skippy. I know the whole story. Tase and beaten. Well. Tase was the beginning to disarm me.

Disarm the muscular. It was a night of terror. My attention, did I mention that the volume was not on on the TVs? I was doing my best. So what did you decipher from the silence? Anyone who gets tased, I'm going to go to Arby's with. Yeah, definitely. No, I was like, now where was that scrap of paper I wrote down for the publicist giving his number? So I called him and I was like, hey.

That's when you called me about that? That's when I called you. I go, hey, it's Julie. You had your opener. Are you all right? I just saw you got tased by Skippy. And you said, now will you go out with me? No, I said, no, I realized my dick's still working because I got all excited. Oh.

I'm sorry. Can we take that? You actually didn't say that. Well, wait a minute. You said dick working? You said now will you go out with me. Now will you go out with me sounds more like date. Now will you go out with me? I had to get tased to get a date? After I was laid up for a while in very pain, I started to come to my senses. I don't even remember these calls because it was. It was so much pain. So much calls, so much pain. I didn't even know about Vicodin until right after this.

So, anyway. You knew about Vicodin by the time we were on a date. Yeah, you were little V-chippies. Yeah, I remember a lot of that. Oh, yeah, I had a puka shell made of Vicodin. No, you didn't. You just ate your necklace today. Everybody needs to know about David is that he's the most sensitive, delicate flower who has low blood sugar, has to carry around a little rat bag full of like

turkey and chicken. Oh, there's protein bars all over this mansion. And like, even though he wants to go like party, but it's at like 6 p.m. 6.30. And bed at 8.45. But we're kindred spirits. We like to eat at 3.30. We asked the restaurants to open so we could go at 4 o'clock. But that's when I was on Conan. He goes, this was a few months back. He goes, well, you've been doing this podcast with Spade. How would you describe him? And I did not prepare for that answer, but the

The first word that came in my head was gentle. Isn't that funny? Kind of cute. But that's exactly what I'm saying. He's like a gentle, sensitive soul who doesn't want to admit the greatest story that David ever told me was, I'm telling all your stories. Julie went to Brown University. Shut up. So did Marcy Klein. Okay, go ahead. But didn't know her there. No, go ahead. What did I do? No, you told me this story once about hooking up with a girl.

Jesus. When you were doing, you were living out here, you weren't on SNL yet, you hooked up with some girl, you were so excited and you spent the night at her house and you didn't want to tell her about your low blood sugar. And I think you got up in the morning to go get...

or something or breakfast with that and you passed out in line waiting 'cause your blood sugar was so low and you were so embarrassed. So ever since then. - Well, that happened at SNL in front of Sherry Oteri at lunch. It happened at Taco Bell when I was going to meet Sandler and those guys that play tennis in the Valley. At Taco Bell, I slid on the ground and slept on the ground and was out.

I think that was also because I found a dog tooth in my burrito, so no one knows exactly what the problem was. You did not find a dog tooth. I think. No, you didn't. I didn't even take it back. I was starving. Well, why did they just catch you? Because they just shrugged their shoulders. But Spade passed out was the thing you'd hear a lot. I used to pass out more, but now I don't. Now I keep an eye on it. But didn't any people think that you were snarky and lecherous? No, it was very nice. That was the persona, the comic persona from Update. Well, that's me on Update.

On every TV show and every movie. So that's where it gets a little blurry, right? Yeah. Right. What are you sketching over there, David? I'm just signing my will. That's when he's nervous. I'm nervous. I'm scribbling. He's doodling. Why are you nervous? Because we haven't gotten to anything except the fact that I should be in a stretcher at all times.

What are you trying to get to? Is there something you need to... We're not trying to get anywhere. We've been at this for a year and a half. And you're not trying to get to anything. No, you're great. You're a superstar.

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I was going to ask you, how do you deal with that?

Emotionally. When people come up to you, because you were going along famous, the Modern Family was a smash. Maybe the latest or last super. Yeah. Last one, I'd say. Yeah. And then you're famous. Yeah. And people come up to you and go, I can't believe it's all of you. Yeah. How do you process that? You go, yeah, what's up? Well,

Well, no, I was pregnant with the twins during the pilot of Modern Family. And I gave birth. May 7th, we got picked up a little early and I was waiting. I was in labor. I'm in the hospital and my phone's ringing. I'm between contractions. I'm a little bored. You know, there's time between contractions. Oh, he's on your phone. So I answer the phone. Fuck you. And I answer the phone and it's Steve Levitan. And he goes...

Julie, it's exciting news. We got picked up. We got picked up early. They're going to show the whole pilot at Upfront. This is a really big deal. And I'm like, oh my God, that's great. He goes, you've got to come to Upfront. I go, oh,

He said, what are you doing? That was your celebration. I go, I'm in labor. She's in labor. And he goes, you're in labor? And you answer the phone. It was a quiet moment. But the point being that I literally at the exact same time the Modern Family was happening, I went from having one kid to three babies. So you didn't. It was like I was in a fugue state.

And people would come up to me and talk to me. And I was like, I hadn't slept. I hadn't eaten. I was exhausted all the time. But the pickup is one thing. But then the fact that it, did it come out of the gate huge? I think it did. Yeah. Because I remember hearing about the pilot that it was big. You mentioned Steve Levitan in our podcast.

meat story but Steve if you don't know was my boss at the time of Just Shoot Me and he was yours at Modern Family. Are you saying that to you the listener? Yes. Because you think I don't know that. No I'm telling the listener. To the college kids are going how do we get in show business? Hey James. No Julie your boss's name was Steve Levitan. You won't remember this but he was there for 10 years. Just Shoot Me. And Modern Family. And Modern Family. And how many homes does Steve own today?

I can count four, three, four. Is he full private jet? If he had his money, I'd throw mine away. I don't think so. Well, you know what? Maybe at least...

Divorce in California is not a common thing. Oh, divorce. You got divorced. They usually get 70% without a prenup. Are you divorced? No, no. I'm not rich enough to get divorced. Sorry, honey. She's listening. No, but you split everything and then there's alimony. So aggregate over time. I heard this from other divorced men, not myself. I've been married for 71 years. Divorced men? Divorced men. Yeah. Well, Julie is in an odd situation. It's not typical.

It just seems like it's a little sexist to think that only men are paying. Oh, wait a minute. No, no, that was me not feeling the other. Rumors are that Tom Arnold made a tidy sum from Roseanne Barr. Sure you go. There you go. Go Roseanne. I'm all in favor of both ways. Fuck you. Whichever spouse has the money shall pay. He who has the money shall, she or he who has the money shall pay. Yes. Yes. So I don't know if Steve has a private jet.

I've never heard of it. When I just sold my house, he came and looked at it. That's what I heard. Did he buy it? What was it up for? I said, you want this for like the kids or something? Like a little shack? Yeah, a little shit shack. Like a stabbing cabin? Yeah, a little stabbing cabin. I know that phrase. That's one of his favorites.

Stabbing Cabin. Is Stabbing Cabin up in Truesdale? What is the origin of Stabbing Cabin, quickly? It's just a funny term I heard along the way. Isn't it from the 1930s? It's about a place you have an affair with? I had an agent say it. A shack for shagging. Yeah, it's a shagging shack. I've heard it in a bunch of different places. It's funny. I think some agent told me, he goes, well, I live out in Malibu. I got a stabbing cabin in town. I go, what?

Then I sort of did the math in my head. What is the point? Have a stabbing cabin. It's hysterical. Well, it's a great phrase. It is. I think it's just to have a great phrase. Mistress, yeah. You don't have to have mistress to have a stabbing cabin.

So do you want to hear about our first date? I want to hear everything I can about you two because David is, you know, my partner and really good friend. And I love to hear about him as a boyfriend. He showed up at... Julie is fluent in Italian. She is. Nice try. Look at your nose. He showed up at my apartment in New York after doing Letterman. And it was Halloween and you had a clip-in. Colorful, like blue or black hair clip-in.

Yeah, because you left it on the floor and you had a tiny bottle of Jack Daniels in your sock. And I was like, that's cool. Half of that sounds like a flask. You think that's cool? Anybody? I mean, so illicit to have like, I just go get a pop. Because he's.

That's all he could do. He's a gentle soul. He's a gentle drinker, too. I do about a little bit. Back then, I could do about three drinks a night, but I do two now. Jack Daniels, I don't drink anymore. I drink vodka. But that was a little too sugary, bless my heart. It was too... But you kept a little tiny airplane bottle in your sock. I'd keep it in my socks, yeah. It's a lab experiment. When David gets a cocktail, there's a Diet Coke, right? And then you get the Tito's Neat, and then you're mixing and matching and pouring and pouring.

I appreciate that. But I used to get the hangover so bad, so now I just want to get a buzz. I don't want to get so fucking collapsing. So I think it's a combo of being a puss and a loser. It's some sort of doctor's told me. A lightweight. A puss plus a loser. Yeah, something like that. A pooser. Fragile. So what happened on his first date? He shows up, he's got the bow in his hair, he's got Jack Daniels in his sock. He's got clip-in hair extensions and he's got Jack Daniels in his sock. Let's clear...

It had a bow in it. It was a bow. No, what do you mean stricken? It wasn't extensions. They were... It was for Halloween. Oh, maybe something funny. You had gone on Letterman on Halloween because I was like, what's happening with your hair? And you're like, it was Halloween. And then...

He just started a constant stream. A barrage of funny came at me. Absolutely. For about 45 minutes. And the next thing I knew, I was naked. And I was like, how the fuck did that happen? He wore you down. Literally. So you endorphinized. You completely relaxed. And by the time he's reaching for buttons and stuff, you're like, whatever. I don't even, I'm laughing, laughed all the way, laughed all the way through. Don't say laughter is stupid.

I did laugh through sex. Okay. Because come on. Well, that's not great. Okay, that's a whole other story. No, that's not the idea. No, that's good for our podcast. It should slow down right toward that part. It could be fade out on that. Nope. Nope. No, it was funny because I remember calling my sisters the next day and go,

It sucks good. No, what did you say to your sister? I said, I saw what Dennis did last night. They're like, oh, no. And I said, he's funny. Funny counts. Why is everyone fucking against him? Funny counts. That's the name of this episode. But, you know, when I came and said, we saw you New Year's Eve. We'd been seeing each other for a while. And Molly, my sister, and I came to see you at the Delano. We were somewhere in Miami, right? We stayed at the Delano. And...

She laughed so hard in that performance. She leaned over to me at the end of it. She goes, I'd fuck him. Yeah, Molly. Comedians all over America. There are chuckle fuckers out there. I'm not a chuckle fucker. A chuckle fucker. People that go out with you are chuckle fuckers. No, they're not. Yes, they are. No, I'm so. Because you're funny. You know how serious and grim I am. No, you're not. You're very funny. No. You think this is about looks? You are very funny.

So you seduced each other comedically. You have two Emmys versus my zero. That really fucking burned my onion. It doesn't mean you're not great if you don't have an Emmy. We have Emmys. Quit saying, oh, you dragged yourself into it? Dana, how many Emmys do you have? Two, it doesn't matter. Six nominations. Look, we need to move on. David, you are a superstar.

I don't think I was with Julie when they announced at the Emmys David Hyde Pierce and I started to get up.

You should have won one. It was so sickening. You would have fucking blocked me. And you were like, got it. I go, dude, I wear that guy. Yo. Are you serious? Yeah, it was good, though, because it was a good wake-up call. Why did I think I could win? That's the thing. What? I know. I was laughing. I was laughing really loud. Oh, no, that was good, actually. And I didn't want to, like, I didn't want to blow out your mic. No, you want to, but...

Okay, back to... Fine, I'll let you ask questions. Well, I love that story. Julie, when we went to the commercial, you were naked in the story. You just, it was like a wall of words. It was like getting roofied by humor. Oh, yeah. I've seen him do that where it's just tumbling, tumbling, tumbling with all these one-liners and references, and it is a barrage. Well, you have to be the same...

frequency of humor. And then you're laughing. I'm laughing. Which is a great audience. Yeah, I was laughing and laughing. But that was about the last time we were on a date alone. Because then you always brought somebody. Yeah, got silent. Oh, yeah.

He always brings people on dates. The worst is when Sandler found out about us going out because then these two will gang up against one another. We have time for one more question. This is... You were on ER where you did a strong turn.

Talking about strong turns. What was the... I have these kinds of questions that don't involve that. I know. Well, I wanted to just let the audience know about her career. The happy Gilmore of it all. We do have to... Yes. Just because it's exciting because we just did that thing for Adam. Because I did that... Yeah, because I did that. Yeah, you were at the dinner. By the way, I watched your Kennedy Center strong. Oh, yeah? Turn off the cameras for a moment. That was really...

really good. That's a good starter. You can only use it once. It was fantastic. Thank you. Don't like that one. It was really good. Thank you very much for watching that. And we had a blast out there. We saw you at the dinner before the intimate dinner for 200 people. I call it the B list.

It was the spillover room. It was the spillover. It was the L.A. crew that was not going to be invited. Did you wait, Dana? Did you go to D.C.? I was there. Oh, sorry. So you were A-list. You were there. No, you were in D.C. I was. You were at the dinner, too. No, but you were also at the dinner. We were at the dinner. Adam had a dinner two days before. And then I went to D.C. I was like the, you know, the low level. The dinner was just an old school call sheet of all his movies combined. Right.

Exactly. Because it was, you were Mappy Gilmore and Hubie Halloween and then Dennis Dugan did both of those, right? Yeah. Directed. No, no, Dennis Dugan didn't direct Hubie. He didn't? No. Do you remember who did Hurley? No. Hang on. Give me a second. Don't do this to me. I think it was Dennis. It's so embarrassing. No. I would fucking know if it was Dennis. I know Goosen did Pickups. No. Yes, he did Pickups, but it was, someone has the internet. They'll figure it out. Heather. Bob. Where do you find out who directed Hubie Halloween? Jeff. Jeff.

Brill? Brill. Steve Brill. Yeah, Steve Brill. He did a lot of Happy Madison movies. Right. Steve Brill. So you did Happy Gilmore and Hubie Halloween. Right, for Adam. For Happy Madison. Yeah. Yeah, and Happy Gilmore. Do you get asked about that? You must get recognized a lot for that. From Happy Gilmore? Most people are like, oh, I didn't realize that was you because I look like I was 50 in that movie. Yeah.

He had a spade haircut for sure. It was like a princess dye, like frosted and like sprayed into place. We were in Canada. We had lovely crew, but like I've got sad white trash hair that wants to like run back to the trailer. I think it looks pretty cool. Yeah, it looks good. Every afternoon. Like, so they just, they wanted to be, you know, I was, nobody knew who I was and that was fine. They wanted to get my hair done in the morning. They never have to touch it again. So it was like this orb, like I could turn my head and it would come after me, you know, like.

and it was it was it was like a helmet and I thought oh it's bad but no one's gonna see this movie it's okay let's be honest no one no I thought no one no one's gonna see the movie I thought it would be like more like a Billy a Billy Madison which was really really fun and like a lot people saw it but it wasn't like a humongous thing well it was like it grew but it started building yeah that was when it was building right did anyone refer to it as a turkey

What? During filming, yeah. That sounds very specific and personal, Dana. I just feel old guys will hear this turkey ain't going to fly. I just heard it as a figure of speech from old teamsters. Look, kid, you're in a turkey. You're in a turkey. Good luck with the next one. I always think I lost and found when the camera guy goes, hey, get him next time. What does that mean? You thought we did the best take of your life? The whole movie's not even done yet? Nah, come on.

you know we're all gonna learn from this one everything that feels like yeah they because they know they're like in the side not laughing they're not part of movies you do the first rehearsal at 8 a.m you get all the chuckles by the time it's on your shot 12 hours later yeah you burn it's like dresden in there okay but i mean why then why don't you direct do you direct your own stuff now i do yeah yeah i can't do anything with someone like keep it in two shots because who wants a

close-up in comedy. I like two-shot. Well, that's why everyone loves dailies back in the day because you could see the wide shot. It's so funny. Then it's cut into a million pieces. Too many cuts is bad. It doesn't go from funny to less funny. It goes to not funny. Right. I couldn't agree more. I'm in total control of my career. Look at this. I say whatever I want. Right. No, obviously, you're the master of your own domain. I can see that you have an empire. Yeah, kind of. Two-shots, I love. Antonio's Deli Productions have a production company with my sons. And yours is called

Bowen and Sons. Is that to do with your sons? No, I just always thought it was funny.

I mean, my sons are twice. Like a store in a small town. Yeah, like Boeing and stuff. I don't know. No, it's funny. Yeah, it's like a big corporate, you know. We're dying. Incorporated. No, this is the best podcast I've ever been a part of. It's like a pinball machine. I love it. We're just going all over. Oh, that's me. I'm really sorry. If you guys had like a direction you need to go, I can be quiet. No, be in the moment. No. Okay, because I can really, I can do, I can be quiet and like answer questions.

No, no, this is new. We've done a lot of these. You're in your own flavor, your own lane, your stuff with David. Who's your favorite interview been so far? Favorite interview so far? Don't ask us that shit. You know what? I guess it relates to you only because it was very different and it was like our second one or first one. Was it Tina? Ed O'Neill. Oh, Ed O'Neill. Oh my God, you had Ed. We had Ed O'Neill as our first one. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, he was our first one.

Was he like looking at his watch? No, listen. He calls, we all have the same manager, me and him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gervitz and Ed's. So he would call and go, hey, Ed saw you on this. He wanted me to tell you he thought this was funny. Ed, he would do that now and then, which is a very cool thing. I like to do it

He's older school. I do it on someone's Instagram. I will DM say, hey, I just saw you on this thing. You're funny. Or, hey, I just saw you. Right, right, right. And so I like getting those feedback from people. And then when he did it and then we said, we're doing the show, he told us, yeah, come on, right away. We hadn't even started. He goes, yeah, I'll do it. And so he likes comedy. He likes Dana. And so he was super cool. And right away, our first one, it was kind of about SNL. You know, it's like general. Like for five minutes. Yeah. And we go, you host SNL. He goes, yeah, I didn't really like it.

And then it was silent. And then we go, what else is going on? And he had the most interesting story. I had heard things about him anecdotally and also met him and this and that. And it was our first one. So I didn't know we had to emphasize SNL that much.

For 45 minutes, I got fascinated by his childhood. Oh, yeah. He told a story. Youngstown, Ohio. The martial arts guy, the tough guy with no ego about it because, you know, sometimes I stop, I whisper in the bar, I get real soft, you know, and you could see he's making a fist and the guys, the bullies are leaning in and he goes, then I drop the hammer. So,

So I was so fascinated by a Hollywood actor who first doesn't give a fuck about Hollywood. None. Or at all. None. Fame. Zero. And was almost a made guy in New York. Yeah. A real football player. Like a legitimate badass guy who's so alpha male he doesn't wear it.

And started in the theater. Yeah. Like actually has this heavy training and everything. Great actor. So he was one of our favorites. Maybe it's because he's our first. Well, he's also super cool. He knew we were new at it. But it's just a bullshit session. So there was really no super wrong way to do it. And he had so many good story after story that we got...

entranced by that stuff and then it was a fun one so what was he like for you he's the best he's the best I mean you don't fuck with you don't fuck with Ed right but he's just mostly just a

He's fantastic. We would joke that he has a book. We would all refer to it as Ed O'Neill chapter nine because he'd be like, why sit? No, why stand when you can sit? I want to see. Why sit when you can lie down? Why come to work when you can be at home? The minute he got there, he'd look at his watch and go,

when are we rapping? We do a rehearsal and he'd go, I think we got it. We have not rolled cameras. We have not. One foot out the door. Well, and he, one day he did leave, drove away. They're like, we're not done. He goes, what? He had no idea. He just, he works really fast. He's very smart and he doesn't waste any time. And he also is like, never start the day in a sweater. You'll regret it. Yeah.

He has all these like bits of wisdom. Because one day we were shooting this outdoor, like the family's playing touch football. We started shooting at, you know, 7 a.m. And it's cold. And we're cold. So we're like, oh, can I get a sweater? Can I get a sweater? And then it's two in the afternoon. And he's like, just crosses his arms and goes, never starting a sweater.

Because you have to match for people. I love that. Chapter 8, Ed O'Neill. He has so much wisdom. Did you direct him ever? Yes, I did have to direct him. Is it hard directing everybody? No. You just, like, you just...

make sure the cameras are in the right place and walk away. When you get him in, you go, okay, he's coming, so let's be ready. Yeah, you know, let's be really ready because you're not even going to get a whole take. I think we got it. You're like, we haven't, we haven't rolled yet. So yeah, that was terrifying, but he's wonderful. Well, that's from experience that when you've got a neurotic director and you're doing, wearing everybody out, wearing the crew out, wearing the average house. Whoa,

Who's neurotic in this story? Is this me? Not you. You're prepared. I could tell you Julie would be prepared. I had a director once, so you're just going to drop bullets and it's a close up. I'm going to say an hour.

On dropping bullets? Yeah. Oh, that could be reset. Just a little, okay, a little frame different and just like that. Were you even in the shot or just your hand? No, but I was watching it and realized, okay, this guy is in a sandbox and right now he's dropping bullets and he doesn't want to go in and have dinner. Right. He does not want it to be over. Right, right. And so that kind of director just exhausts the shit out of everyone. But if you have it O'Neal, like...

you're smart. You went over and said, Ed, what are you going to do here? Right. We'll be on you like this. Right. That's it. And it's more about the people around him. And I mean, Ed is, and if you tell him where you're starting and where you're finishing, he knows where to go. And the man is so smart.

and he was so great with the kids because they were, you know, they started, they were 11 and he would be like, you know, bring them aside and tell them this is, you know, you don't want to cross in the middle of a scene because then they got to film you twice. Like things like that. All the old school tricks. All the old school, like,

Find a comfortable place and to the not in the middle, but to the left or the right of the scene. So, you know, they're they you don't have to be in every single shot in the background when they're shooting. Yeah, he knows all the tricks. Cross off before. Say your line and cross off.

Then you'll never have to be. So he's about conserving energy. He is, you know what? A little goes a long way with him and he knows it. He's fantastic. By the way, all those tricks and it still works. It's not like people are like, oh, now it's bad. It's like, no, it's still good. You just cut the horse shit out because there's a lot of fluff and bullshit when they do overtakes. I remember we were doing so many takes.

On Dickie Roberts. Oh, a couple people remember in the back? Knocking Futs. Dickie Roberts, a comedy starring David Spade from 1997. The very last day we have. Brick, wall, waterfall. Dickie thinks he's got it all, but I don't.

But you don't, but I do. But I do. So boom. Boom with the attitudes. Peace, punch, Cap'n Crunch. I got something you can't touch. Which is really problematic, that line. No, I say you can't touch it. Say it now. A 10-year-old girl is going, peace, punch, Cap'n Crunch. I got something you can't touch. And they cut back to David going,

She's telling me I can't. That you can't touch her. That's the right thing to say. Well, it still is kind of fucked up. It's a song. It's a little fucked up. And then she goes, bang, bang, points down there. Choo-choo train. Choo-choo train. Wind me up, I do my thing. I do my thing.

Where does this go? Fudge, lemonade? Where does that dirty salt? Well, that's dirty. I mean, Dana's a dirty man. Yeah. Oh, my God. Look at this. My mind is in the gutter. No, he has to keep me in check. I do think sexual thoughts all the time, and no one wants to know what I'm thinking. Dana keeps me in check because I get a little R-rated on the thing. You get a little R-rated? But you have editing power. Well, we don't take that. Right, we don't like to edit much, you know. But yeah, sometimes David will go, got a little push-out.

And I'm like, no, no, no. Yeah, maybe not that. No, I think we said once that homeless people sometimes have really good hair and huge dicks and it's not fair. And then I'm like, what? But so does a lot of people. Just like in general. It's all not fair. I don't like any of it. I don't know.

A lot of people don't have their pants around their ankles. Anyone with good hair and a big dick pisses you off. Yes, there we go. And you don't care if they're living on an underpass. Or in Truesdale. Or in Truesdale. Still envious. Even though they live in a cardboard box. They have the two metrics that he really wants most. Giant hair and a huge appendage. And a giant dick. Yes. We're working on it. Running out of time, but working on it. We're running out of time. I've never said it. We're running out of time in life, but I'll get there.

You know, Dana, I think we have a connection. We've been friends for a long time. And for this episode of Fly on the Wall, we've partnered with eHarmony, which isn't us. eHarmony is a dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. We are not dating. I want to clarify that. But the connection is what you want in a dating partner. Yeah.

Just someone like, if you found someone that listened to this podcast, that's somewhat of a connection. And then you sort of build on that. You want someone with some common ground. Yeah. It's not, it, look, if you want to connect romantically over, you know, super fly or fly on the wall, uh,

It just makes us happy. You don't want to be watching The Godfather and the person next to you goes, this movie sucks. So dumb. Yeah. You want to connect on all issues and harmonize in life. Similar sensibility, similar sense of humor, and similar sense of sense. I don't like when they watch The Godfather and they're like, everyone in this movie is so old. I'm like, they're 40.

Watch 2001 Space Odyssey. Too much of this movie is in outer space. I don't like it. When do they land? When do they land? Why is that stupid red light acting so silly? Who's friends with a robot? We know dating isn't easy. That's why we partnered with eHarmony because dating is different on eHarmony. They want you to find someone who gets you, someone you can be comfortable with.

Yeah. I mean, the whole idea is you're going to take a compatibility quiz, helps your personality come out in your profile, which makes all the profiles on eHarmony way more interesting and fun to read. So I think this is the goal of dating sites, and I think eHarmony does it great. It's just finding somebody you're compatible with.

So get started today with a compatibility quiz. So you can find some and you can be yourself with. Get Who Gets You on eHarmony. Sign up today. I'm a nibbler, Dana, and I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios...

are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up. They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Ooh. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells. Flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah, look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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Anyway, we're really our guests today. We're going to start now. Okay, you guys can ask me questions or whatever it is that you do. Yes, be normal. Should we just do one SNL segment? No, no. Let me tell you my finishing story. And Dickie Roberts, we're done. Dickie Roberts out now. You can take it if you want. I just don't understand it. That was a gift I got.

It's a little creepy. I don't know if it's a lunch pail or what. It's just a little bit like something you made in leather tooling class at Tandy. There's condoms in there. This is a... I was given... People can't see this, but it says fly on the wall. It's a leather something, and I was given it backstage at a show. It says fly on the wall. It's very sweet. I have to put it back where it belongs. Okay, sorry. Go ahead. Okay. So at the end of the movie, like you were saying, we had...

Sam Weissman was the director and he was great. The whole time was great. We moved quickly. I'm sorry, does Dana always, like an old lady at a matinee, unwrapping her Werther's? No, this is, I hate people who do this in a movie theater. It's a drama. It's doing it. Just fucking eat the can. Yeah, so anyway, go ahead, David. Thank God Dana takes the heat. He's eating a protein bar. Over there, you're like. David got me into protein bars. They're the best. I'm not even hypoglycemic, but I'm like, I guess I better have a bite of one. You have to eat. I'm going to wait until the story's over. This is the Dickie Roberts story.

- Lifetime Achievement Story Award starring David Spade. - We all know that when you move quickly in a movie, like if Julie's the director, she's got like this, you know, I know how she is and she's smart thinking ahead and she will keep that set moving. - You could direct me all that. - That keeps morale up. Now on this movie, everything was going pretty good. But at the last day we were wrapping, we said we're gonna wrap around five early 'cause we only had a couple of things to do. So we planned a party and then we said, oh, well, and then everyone will stay and we'll have catering and all that shit.

We wrapped at 1230 at night. At night, like at a.m. And we missed the party. And I think, bless his heart, the director had rapophobia. And that's what Dana was talking about. They don't want to go home. They don't want it to be over.

And they keep shooting. They're playing. And making up things to shoot, basically. But they also, they have overlords and people at studios being like, you didn't get this. You didn't cover it. And they start to doubt themselves. And they're like, they know they have it, but they're like, I might have to shoot it, like, you know, a three-quarter. Sure, you have a POV from the squirrel shooting up. And they're like, no, we didn't get that. And they're like, what the fuck are you doing out there? It is a methodology of some companies. Just cover the shit out of it and we'll make the movie in post. Exactly. Make it in editing. It's an old...

And even on Sandler movies, like if he's not there, because usually he sort of masterminds the whole thing. And if I'm on a movie and he's producing it, then they want to know, they're second guessing what will he be looking for. Exactly. But you're in him with him. So it's fun when you're in with him. When it's not, you have to do a little extra coverage.

Yeah, I don't know. I've been with him. You're like, I've been blessed to be in the good ones where Adam's in them. Every movie I do with Adam, I just did two cameos. They both were not his biggest box office. What were they? Jack and Jill and Little Nicky. All very funny. Little Nicky is a big cult hit, though. Yes. That one is people love. At the time, yeah.

I mean, Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore are huge now with young kids. Yeah. Again. Because those 90s comedies, early knots comedies, they were just funny and light. What's a knot? My sons love them.

I don't know. How do you, what's, what's 2000 to 2009? Is that the nots? That's the aughts. Aughts? It's not the nots? I've been saying that for two years. Jason, the aughts are nots. It's like, it's what you didn't want to do in the aughts. That's a not. Okay. We talked about this the other day. What's 2010 to 2019? Oh, I don't have any idea.

That's the teens? The naughty teens? The naughty teens. Are you a naughty teen? What are we into now? The 20s. We're in the roaring 20s. We're up to the 20s. We're in the roaring 20s after a pandemic. Now, finally roaring 20s. Just like 100 years ago. What was your strong turn on ER? I played a woman named Roxanne. What do you do? I don't... I made out with... Roxanne. I was somebody's... I was a...

I can't remember what my role, what my character was. She did insurance or something. Yep. And I end up with Noah Wiley. Strong turn. Strong turn. Who did you give a BJ to in Horrible Bosses? Just look at my notes. Jason Bateman. Was it? Close. No, I'm guessing. Sudeikis. It was Sudeikis. Sudeikis. But you never see it. You just hear the improv where I say your balls are so smooth. I remember.

And that was improv? That was your ad lib? And they kept it in? Yeah. Your balls are so sweet. And who was your husband? Oh, Kevin Spacey.

It was before... Did you leave the window open? Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey, this was... He was at the... He was top of his game. We did not... There were no... Brilliant actor. One of the biggest stars at the time, probably. He was huge. This was even pre... The Netflix show. He still had some... He still had some life in him. When...

No, you were, you were, you're still, it says you're fluent in Neutrogena. I'm reading this wrong. No, I'm not. She's a spokesman. You were a spokesman for Neutrogena. I was, twice. You were fluent in Neutrogena. I was a spokesman for Neutrogena twice when I was a younger person and then they got me to be as an old person. They need old people on there. Then they didn't renew my contract because they said they needed someone who looked more mature, Nicole Kidman.

Do you know that's a word that makes you sound drunk? What are the two words that make you sound drunk? Neutrogena. Say judicial. I went to judicial and I got some Neutrogena. You're right. Those two words, you're stone sober, you will sound drunk. Yeah, that's a world jerk. Neutrogena and judicial systems. I remember seeing Julie on the back of a magazine in a Neutrogena picture.

Yeah, that was, yeah. And then you were finally like, okay, I guess she's worthy of this Spade Hall of Fame. It was already rolling by then. I think it already rolled. Now, she was on Ed, and then you went to Boston Legal. Uh-huh.

And then you did. Did we just do IMDB? We just worked with William Shatner. I'm reading. Did you go with James Spader, William Shatner? Was that on that? That was James Spader, William Shatner and Candice Bergen. Oh, Candy. Candy. Back to SNL. She was on SNL. She's a five-timer, isn't she? Yeah. I had an Asian character named Ching Chang and she was in those sketches. I know. I'm like, I need to know.

to leave now. It was 1986. I would never do it again, I swear. But it was a character done very lovingly and sweetly, but she was part of that sketch. I was horrified in the audience, I'll tell you that much. Do you worry about that? Like, I'll get someone to look that up. Someone's going to cancel you because you did an 86? Because I know where it came from. I know the intent in my heart. Intentions matter. So, I got it. It's based on someone I knew. Who had a pet chicken.

Or appeared to have a pet chicken on a leash in his front yard. Which is very sweet. I just, yeah, it's crappy now that you have to worry about that. Like, I think about it all the time. Like, am I going to say something that I think is funny and then, you know. Well, they tried to ding, uh,

Ben Stiller, who's brilliant about Tropic Thunder and just doesn't have time for. But Tropic Thunder was like a satirizing narcissistic actors who will do anything to get an Academy Award. It has nothing to do with anything else. So I just didn't apologize. And oh, was that for simple? Oh, it's for Simple Jack. No. And also Robert Downey Jr. And also Robert Downey Jr.

- An Australian actor who was so narcissistic and so desperate that he does blackface essentially. - Yes. - Yeah. - And it was, but I thought that was smart. - One of our podcasts was trouble too. - Simple Jack. - Well, that was making fun. I always say to my kids, like if you see people play mentally deficient human beings, they always have short khaki pants and awkward haircuts and big ears.

And so I saw that in two actors, I won't name them, who got the Academy Award for playing a character like that. So Ben was satirizing the cliche that if you're that type of person, you need to have really short khaki pants and a really short haircut and have your ears stick out. Right.

And he was satirizing it, but sometimes the satire gets you cancer. Well, yeah, and I'm not against things changing. If you just look at it from the surface, you just say. There's cringy things all over, you know, movies and comics. It's fine. I mean, I'm open-minded. I haven't watched Wayne's World recently. I'm not sure. Would it be like... We're good on that one because we didn't do any drugs. The only thing we did was we'd see a girl and...

And thrust her hips and say, swing. Swing, swing, sorry, swing. And so it's pretty, you know, sphincter says what, swing. It's pretty benign. Cream of some young guy? Did you do cream of some young guy? Austin Powers, which is a brilliant trilogy, went harder at some of those things. I don't, God, that might've been a Wayne's World. Did you say, I'd like some gangbang chicken?

I just know that all those movies made me laugh really hard. And I revisited... I produced a movie for Disney+. It's the first TV14 movie they've done called Prom Pack. It just came out last week. And it has like...

Red Solo cups and people reference sex and there's gay characters. And it was during, it kind of fell between the Bob Chapek going out and Bob Iyer coming back in. People were not really paying close attention. And I can't decide if we're going to be like, if Disney's going to love us and hire us again and again, or they are like freaking out because they actually have...

characters saying some racy, racy things. So 14 means just 14 up instead of just totally G. Kids, exactly. It's not even PG. It's like, yeah, there's some content up in here. But yeah, it can still be. There's some content up in here. There's some content all up in here. We've got some content up in here. But you get concerned that you're going to get in trouble later on.

Yeah, I've been around so long and no one cares about me. I'm uncancellable. I mean, I can't. No one would cancel me because they don't even know to look me up. Dana, why are you talking? I'm too superstitious. I don't want you to get canceled. Listen, the Emperor's New Groove, we had to take out all the dry humping scenes. Oh, no. And it was animated, so...

But for Prompt Act, we decided to address all the 80s problems. Because it's a reference. It's all like an homage to John Hughes, but then we have to talk about how problematic John Hughes was. So we watched all those movies again. Ferris Bueller? Ferris Bueller holds up well. That seems kind of like an iconic comedy. Breakfast Club? Breakfast Club, mostly.

Pretty well. But there's some. I mean, now that we go over to like weird science. Weird science. God, I love that. What is the main thing? What subject? I mean, the character in Prom Pack says it's an episode of SVU. It's like you create a woman and just a banger, I think.

Oh, yeah. Weird science. I got you. Yeah. Yeah. I got you. Yeah. Yeah. Revenge of the nerds. Very problematic. Sure. Yes. There's some really. All those movies are like drill a hole through walls to watch girls naked. Couldn't even touch that. Glory hole galore. Remember that one? Glory hole galore.

I think that was actually a horn. That might have been a horn. I don't know where I saw it. I made that up. They're going, really? That's a movie? That's a movie. It's a movie that couldn't be made today for 20, Bob. Glory hole. There's a great glory hole on peak.

This isn't the kind of content that Dana's uncomfortable with. We're having crickets today. I know. He's jumping in though. I like it. Today, today it's all, we're hanging it all out. This will be one episode. This one won't air. My wife will be driving and she'll be, what's the prom pact? What is the prom pact? What do you mean? What?

What is it? Yeah, what's the actual pact? Oh, it's that the two best friends in the movie agree that they've never done any... You're gonna have a gangbang? No, they've never gone to any of the high school stuff. They're both like nerds and really serious. They're like, they've never gone to prom. They're like, fine, we'll do it together. And then...

lots of complications ensue. Yeah, don't give everything away. I'm not going to give it away. So it's two guys or two girls? Two girls. No, a girl and a guy. They're best friends. Oh, they're best friends. Are they going to go together? Yeah, they're going to go together. Now streaming or coming up? Now streaming. It'll be on Disney+. You would actually like, you would actually, I don't know what your taste is. You would actually like it because it's kind of sweet and it's kind of cute. Sweet and cute? I don't mind that. It's sweet and cute and there's some pervy things. I like 2001 Space Odyssey. And there's some pervy things. And like the first alien. You like 2001 A Space Odyssey?

Yeah. Sober? I've seen it 40 times. How many of those times were you unaltered? No, he loves it. No, no, unaltered. I've memorized. Out of Africa is my wife and I's touchstone movie. Did you just say you have it memorized? Well, kind of. There's only like eight words. I know, that's why I... Open the pod bay door, Hal. Open the pod bay door, Hal. I'm sorry, you know, I can't do that. There's not much...

In high school, when we would see it, and I would say, open the bathroom door, how we would, they were stoned, my friends were stoned, the Volkswagen bug in 1969. And I would go, open the bathroom door, instead of, they would laugh for like an hour and a half, you know, because they were high. Yes.

But, you know, it's a brilliant movie. I never understood. It is brilliant and way beyond me in a lot of ways. I feel like I missed it. It's just, is there a better topic for a film than how we got here? And the idea we've been seeded by aliens, basically, that infused primates with intelligence that become us. That's what it was about. I mean, the greatest mic drop in a movie is with the discovery that he can use the...

Bone as a weapon, how he takes his time, and then that music, and he throws it and turns it into a spaceship. I mean, come on. Come on. Come on. Julie, go with me. What's your favorite movie besides Wayne's World and Dickie Roberts? I mean, I love Dickie Roberts, of course. But iconic? Here's a question. Movies you watch every couple of years. Movies that, like for me, The Godfather 1 and 2, I'll see every couple of years. Uh...

That's a real dude. I think that that's... I know, what's yours? Scarface dude. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Ooh, good one. Jim Carrey. That's a very heavy, cool... Did Charlie Kaufman write that? Charlie Kaufman wrote it and Michelle Gondry? Is that how you say his name? I'm probably saying it wrong. That's his name. That's her name, yeah. Yeah. That's his name.

That's her name. You're an asshole. Any Charlie Kaufman movie, I feel like you can watch again and again and again because they're so layered. It was the one with Nicolas Cage. Is that the one? Nicolas Cage, that was the one, not being John Malkovich, that was the adaptation. Yes. Adaptation was phenomenal. Charlie Kaufman wrote on the variety show I did,

He did? With Louis C.K. He did? Yeah, Charlie Kaufman. You never say him. Wait, what? What was that like? Charlie is, you know, he's brilliant. He's quiet. He's, you know, just, he was just around doing crazy stuff. But he would like write like a sketch that would be easily digestible to an American audience. Like, I can't see it. Well, the show was essentially, essentially canceled after 12 minutes of airing. They let us, we'd already been,

But the first six episodes. I see. We went from 16 million to 2 million as I was playing Clinton breastfeeding puppies. So we did not have a commercial bone in our body. That was Disney. Disney bought ABC after we agreed to the deal. And so we were at...

Square Peg and her. Well, you went after Home Improvement, which was a very family show. We followed Spin City, Home Improvement. You followed Home Improvement? Yeah, which is a great show. Yeah, it just is not. We were doing acidy, acidy. But we weren't. They thought we were blue. We weren't blue at all. We were just abstract. That's where. Bill Clinton breastfeeding puppies. You're not joking. That should have been out at two in the morning. That was the cold opener.

It was Louie's idea not to blame Louie. We banked it a month before. Everyone wants to blame him. And it was like, she goes, Clint's like, and I believe in our country. I know we're a crisis. And he goes, and that's why I have. And then I'm just opening, buttoning the jacket. And you see these teats have been put on me. And then puppies are brought out. And I will feed these puppies like I feed a worried nation. You know, that kind of thing. Right after Spin City. What's going on? Laugh track.

Oh my God. It makes me so happy to hear you do impersonations. I know. I'll do any one you want. Really? But you do so many. Like just right there, you just did Bill Clinton and Michael J. Fox, but like barely, just like whiffing past them so perfectly. No, he can do...

Trump with the Miranda rights. I do Trump. I don't know. This will be – you can cut this out. When Trump got arrested. Put it that way. You know, you can put the cuffs on me, but you don't have to read me the rights because I wrote the rights. I wrote the rights. I could write a lot of things. I wrote it with a lovely lady named Miranda. I told her the right to remain silent. She put it down. And we're going to do it. Some people said no, but we're doing it anyway. We wrote the whole thing. Da, da, da, da.

So that's just a poem basically for me. Do you want to hear my Fauci poem? Yes. It's a poem that maybe wouldn't work anymore. To me, they're all Fauci poems. Okay. I know I told you when you had the COVID shot, you'd be dancing in the streets. Okay. I missed it by that much. All right. Now you have two COVID shots, three boosters. You're getting and give it.

COVID to another guy who's got two boosters and three shots. That's why I'm introducing the daily COVID shot. Every day you go to your healthcare provider, you get your shot. By the time you get to your car, you got no immunity, but it's a beautiful 39 seconds. I'm Tony Fauci, and from the bottom of my all new leather Fauci's, go fuck yourself.

I had to get the end. Who would do? That's cathartic. I'm sorry if I've done that before on the podcast. Not many. Would you ever go back on SNL and do characters? Yeah, of course I would. Come on. Let's get real. My father lost his job. No joke. I came around here because David Spade is the funniest guy I've ever seen. It's the people, the pirates, the pub, the pirates, the caravan. Sorry.

I like doing it on the podcast because there's no rehearsal, no script, no one's yelling at me. Yeah. Not trying to control me. Right. Because on SNL, they don't, you know, they don't make as much fun as Biden is, maybe. As you would like to. Well, let's just split it down the middle. Just keep it fun. Make fun of both sides. Yeah. They just have that guy, that Jim. James Austin Johnson. He's just so good. His cold open this last week. It's jazz.

It's unbelievable. He was doing singing and- He is amazing. He's so good at it that it kind of doesn't matter. It's too good. It's so good. My style is like I don't want to teach or be taught, so I'm not going to try to abortly sneak in a political statement. I don't like preaching to a choir and getting-

Right, right, right, right, right. So I'm trying to find what is fucking funny about these people. Both these two guys are really funny, rhythmically, personality-wise. At first, when Biden came out, it was just like grandpa of the country. Trump made everyone crazy. He's like, yeah, come on, folks. He was very gentle. And then he started yelling. That was like, what a great hook. You know how he whispers? Yeah.

Guess what? The rich don't pay their fair share. They gotta pay their fair share! It's a fair share! And it goes up in the screens like the grumpy old man. Basically, the ball went in his yard. It's mine now. He'd get off Milan. But to your point, I don't know what the point was. Would you want to go on and do any... Do you guys miss that?

Your shoe was on the other foot? You know, you were right about that. I don't know how not to ask questions. No, no, we like it when you ask questions. You're not pushy enough. The point is, yes, it's fun. I go back there and do a guest spot. That's really fun. They could easily bring Dana into covers. I love...

being on it. I love sketch comedy and I love watching the people doing it now. But if you're doing a small comedy club and riffing or podcasting, I get a lot of a fix off that too. Yeah. You don't need to do it. It's not going through 100 channels and getting edited. Or you watch, even the Mark Twain, we had a great time, but they took 90 minutes out of the show. They did? I got four jokes lost. I only did four and a half minutes. Do you want to do one of the lost jokes? Do you want to do one right now? Yeah, let's do it.

What if they suck? I said, oh, in this woke age of PC and comedy police, I think Mark Twain would be the only one that would not win the Mark Twain Award. No wonder. Of course that wasn't going to make it. That was designed to be cut. You're like, here's a freebie. By the problem, they held up scissors with their fingers. Nope. That is the most low-hanging fruit. You insulted Mark Twain. I said he had some iffy stuff.

Here's a harmless one. I've done a lot of movies with Sandler. Instead of listing them, just go to your unmarried uncle's house and look at his posters in his bedroom. That's my movies with Sandler. Do over. That's fun. That's harmless little jabs. That's harmless. And it makes fun of me. Did the Dennis thing make it? I don't think so. Oh, on the actual show? No. I don't think so. What was yours? Dennis Miller about...

Saddened they're getting the Twain. If I can remember it. Criminy. So the Sandman got the Mark Twain prize. All right. That's a pithy moniker. One of the great minds of the last millennia has a Cracker Jack motif. Okay. Sandman makes 60 movies, gets a tiny whistle for his efforts. It's just like a little. They were working on it.

Yeah, we had a good Nancy. What did you say? Because Nancy Pelosi was in the front row. I'll have to unpack there. That's me channeling Dennis. Nancy Pelosi was in the front row? And Paul Pelosi, yeah. How was Paul? He looked okay.

Paul looked great. I did Pelosi to her. I said, I do you. It's very exaggerated. Republicans drive you crazy, and you always look like you just sat on something cold and wet. And then I go... She was not smiling. Scissors by the teleprompter. Scissors. She even did it. She's like...

She goes, guess who's the exec producer of this thing? The lights started flashing. People are evacuating. Attention. Attention. Attention. Please remove. Go to the closest. We had a blast. You're fearless that night. Or stupid. Well, but the D-Squad dinner here for spillover dinner for those who were not going to D.C.,

Everyone got up and everybody gave their, did a loose, not a tight five, but like a loose seven. Tribute. And there was some really dicey stuff. And I'm not going to name names. I'm not going to call anybody out. But I was like, holy crap. These people have no fear.

Right. Well, at the Kennedy Center, everyone was well-dressed. It was almost like a corporate audience. There was a little more gravitas about the situation. But there, that was like playing to your peers in the audience. Most of the comedians were in the audience. But yeah, fearless. It's a no-Schneider.

What? Come on. They're poisoning her on water. He was there both. Adam was there. Oh, sorry. Yeah, Schneider was there. Schneider was there? Yeah. And he performed in that? He did, and then he sang. Oh, amazing. Okay. He can sing. He sang Grow Old With You. Grow Old With You? That was one of Sandler's songs. He can really sing. He's a great singer. On the road, when you go on the road with Adam, he goes up and sings Now or Never as Elvis.

That's right. I've seen him sing. That's right. And he fucking belts it. They go crazy because he opens the room. Because he can actually sing. He can sing and he was Elvis in Japan for six months. So he knows how to do it. Wait, for real? Or like as a joke? No, he went there when we started stand up and he did. He tells a 10 minute story on this podcast about how he became tiny Elvis in Japan.

It was a big hit. You said 10 minutes like it was a bad thing. I feel like it was. No, it was great. I mean, because it was a lot of building blocks of how it came about and how he became Tiny Elvis in Tokyo and crushed you. No, he referred to, he said I was Tiny Elvis. When we got to SNL. He said he was Tiny. What did he do? Well, I'm Tiny. I don't know if you're confused.

- It's confusing 'cause we did SNL. - Didn't he call himself Tiny Elvis? - The first show of the season when we came back from summer. - He did a sketch where he was Tiny Elvis. - Nicholas Cage was the host and we did Tiny Elvis. - That's where I got it from. - 'Cause it's you. - And it's me, I'm Tiny Elvis. - And wasn't he keyed in on his shoulder or something? - Yeah, Nicholas Cage was. - Sorry Rob, that's where I got Tiny Elvis from. - Was Tiny Elvis on the dashboard. - No sakes, not like I'm Tom Brady over here, you know?

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You guys really just free fly it. No. Free fly it. Okay, here we go. You're like, well, there's no there there. There's no there. I'm like, do they head towards something? I'm most crazy. Fill in the blank with Julie Bowen. Oh, yeah, here we go. This is a quiz. Oh, God. Okay, let's sing. These are easy. Fill in the blank with Judy Bowen. Yeah, harmonize, David. Harmonize. Fill in the blank. I'm most crazy when...

Fill in the blank. I'm most crazy when, oh. That could be an answer. You get an answer when you go to bed. Oh, it could be an answer. No, no, no. I'm most crazy when, around my kids when they're jackasses. That's perfect. Yeah, okay. Have you ever gone on and checked somebody's celebrity net worth? Because I do it a lot. I think they're. Yes. Have you checked your own net worth? No.

Yes. Is it accurate? No. And that's how I know that the other ones aren't accurate. I was like, that is so inaccurate. Okay. You know, that's, I think what they do is they, you're, what you've made, they guess on everything you've ever shot with no taxes and never spending money. Right. And then you've never spent a nickel of that money and that, right. You've never put a kid through private school. Like no divorce. Yeah. Gross cash turns into tissue paper in a fireplace. And it's not a complaint. We're very privileged. Turns into Leno's ear. It's like, pshew, pshew.

Remember when Lana goes, my ear. He goes, you know when your face catches on fire, your ear is the first to go. He goes, it goes up like tissue paper. He goes, there's nothing there. When I read something negative about myself, my reaction is... Oh, panic. Panic.

Panic and shame. Shame. You don't say fuck these people. No, no. I have a strict no reading about myself ever policy. I don't look at anything. I don't look at any picture. I don't read anything. It's too horrifying. The smart is to believe the good but don't believe the bad. No, but you can't.

If you believe the good, then you got to believe the bad. So you can't read the good. My mom used to always try and send me shit like that. She cut out of the paper or cut out of a magazine. But it's good. And I said, yeah, but I don't want the shit that's good. Because then I have to believe it when they say that I'm like. Everyone sees this. Ten examples of how Dana Carvey was never funny. You know what I mean? BuzzFeed. Thanks, BuzzFeed. Concrete proof. Here's proof. My biggest indulgence is. Glasses.

I'm not wearing them right now, but I really, I've spent an enormous. Oh, spending money. That's an adult. Yeah. What about your ski trip? But that's for the kids. I'll spend money on my kids. Sure. So you could say my kids, but that's boring. Can we switch the answer judges? Last time, a little sort of Barbara Walters. Last time I felt brave. Yeah.

Oh, wait. How come you don't ask these questions? Because he's the brains of the outfit. Okay. I'm just here for looks. Last time I felt braved. And you also can say pass. It can be like a game show. No. Wow. When you went down a fucking...

Devil's ball sack? No, I did not go down devil's ball sack. I did go skiing with my kids and they were trying to make me do a lot of jumps. And so physically brave, I actually did one and it was terrifying and I was sure I was going to break 10 pieces. I'm a good skier, but...

I used to watch my kids go down a giant hill, laying on their stomach on a Flexi. So it's little wheels and the helmets are kind of not really on. And my wife could look and I would always have to look away because of childhood trauma. No, you can't. But one time I did look and that was the bravest. Although my kids did say to me, mom, I think when I'm a parent, I'll never do this with my kids because it's so dangerous. And I was like, wait, what? I just got told that my parenting was rough by my own kids. Things I have a hard time saying no to.

I mean, you're offered a lot of things like charity benefits. Oh, I say no to everything. Did you feel guilty at all? Oh my God. I feel so good. If a friend hits me up for something that's charity oriented school charity, all that. Yeah. I do a lot of stuff for my kids schools that, um, when you want to say no, how do you do it? Email, phone call, text, just can't ghost too busy right now. If I want to say no, I I'm, I'm out of town.

Out of town. I'm out of town. Even if you're not, then you have to hide out those days. Then you have to hide that weekend, but that's okay. It's worth it. Favorite full circle, because we have a theme. Favorite, everyone has theirs. I know mine. Favorite SNL cast. Oh, full cast? Well, we were part of a hybrid. You can do fantasy football. You guys should do a fantasy football, because then I would go. You could do that. I mean, I would obviously have to have you guys. Have to, yes. Have to.

There's Hall of Famers in every cast. Yeah. Who's the starting cast? My starting lineup would have to be, yeah, but there's some that... No, I hate doing that because then I forget someone. No, I know, but like Beck Bennett, who was in the last kind of cast. Great cast member. Quiet.

quiet, slow roll for the first movie four years and then on fire for the last two or three. I mean, Putin with the shirt off. And then you've got the guys who, Mikey Day and the ones who play the Trump brothers. But I'd say overall, I mean, you got to have Will Ferrell. We know we have to have Will. You have to have Will. Will knows we have to.

Yeah, I mean, you do. He's amazing. He's a first ballot. We have to have Bill Hader. You have to have Kristen Wiig. It goes on and on. You know, Kenan gave us a future episode. But he gave a great answer. I guess I thought we could save it. But he said the women. The women since 2000. And, of course, Sherry O'Terry is one of my favorites before that and Jan Hooks and everybody. But it's kind of been so dominant like never before in the history of the show when you start adding them up.

Yeah, no, I agree. Do you like people to say oriented or orientated? Orientated isn't a word. I know, my friend says it drives me fucking bananas. Orientated, who says it? He goes, they're more family orientated, and I go, family orientated? People say it all the time. Oh, here's an easy one. My favorite exercise is...

Like with my body? Yeah, do you like walking? Do you do a Stairmaster? Why are you asking these things? Because I'm out of bullets. I got nothing. We were out of half an hour. Over and over in the sandbox a while ago. My favorite part, I exercise all the time obsessively because I'm crazy and I have to get my brain to shut up. So I ride a bike to nowhere a lot. I could have answered that. Okay, Julie, we know you got to run. Thank you for coming by. We're going to go to a break.

We have... Everyone behind you goes, she doesn't have to go. I know. She doesn't have to go. They're like, we just really need to be done with this. No, we did good though. We thought it was really good. There's a... We were counselable in a couple segments, right? Counselable? Counselable. I'm not really... Cancelable. I went to state school. I mean, yeah. Are you... Where are you from?

Montana. Montana and then the peninsula. We're in Montana. Missoula. Was that where you just were? I was just in Montana. I was in Big Sky. I was there too. I was in Big Fork visiting relatives. I was in Big Dick. Yeah, there is Big Dick Dixon County. I should have said Big Dick. Big Sky, Big Fork, and of course Big Dick. You were down by Livingston then. I don't know.

But I like it. I like it because you go skiing there and there's dudes in Carhartt jackets and like no helmet. And they're like old school. Right. And then, you know, they're like, they come up here, they cut a butt. Dana drives up in his Volvo. I grew up in my Volvo. And they go, look at this city boy. Well, it's a poem. Well, well, well, well, well. Look at what we got ourselves here. We got a city boy. You from Stockholm? Is that what y'all? City boy of y'all. Swedish card.

driving all around. Oh, you got airbag? Oh, you got a little pillow in case you hit a grizzly bear? I sound like Chris Rock. Hey, sweetie pie. You got a little... Do you have a Volvo, by the way? Do I have a Volvo? Yeah, I just want the audience to know who to follow. No, I don't have a Volvo. Do you have a Volvo? I do have a Volvo, but I do not have a Volvo. Let's look at a clip of it. Well, well, well, well, lookie what we got ourselves. We got a baby Volvo.

That's what your plan is? Anyway. Actually, I got to go. Julie. He has a lunch. All right, Midnight Toker. You guys work fast. That's good. One hour. We got to get them in and out. We don't want to... Yeah, da-da-da-da-da. We're not Rogan. It's like another pancake. Ty Burrell is...

The greatest person that ever lived. Lightning round. Yeah. Jesse Ferguson is... The most unrecognized of our cast as being freaking funny as hell. Sofia Vergara. Vergara. Sofia Vergara is a...

heart of gold the most generous she's a queen my kid just spent 12 hours with her two days ago because he went to see America's Got Talent and with another friend and I said if you have a chance to say hi to Sophia she had cameras on him she took pictures she said it to me she's the most generous kind person so you just had a blast what's your impression of Sophia Varaga do you have one

where you have to, it has to be about somebody. Oh, the one that people really liked was when we were on Ellen and they were saying, what's your relationship with Sophia like? And I said, she just, she keeps to herself and like she lives in a castle, you know, like in the sky with like a beautiful man. But every now and again, I'll get a call and she'll go, Julie, this thing tonight, it is cocktail? I'm like, what?

What do you mean? What do we wear? It's cocktail? Well, I mean, you can wear a dress or you just have to look nice. But is it cocktail? Cocktail, like she has this very specific cocktail means something tight into the knee and in evening means tight into the floor. And cocktail, she's like cocktail, you know, with like fruit or flour. And I'm like,

And I'm like, so you're dressed kind of fruits or flowers on it for cocktail, but not for evening. She's like, jizz. So that was, that's Sophia. Do you have a good ear? Is it just, that's cool. You, she's, you spend time around her. You can't not do it. The best way to learn someone is just to be around them constantly. Yeah, just being around them. You start telling stories and talking for them, and then you realize you're doing an impression after a while. Jizz. Jizz. Jizz. What was Sandler's spillover party? Was that,

It was, well, for me, it was cocktail. For Sandler, it was vagabond. It was Green Jets parka? I'm fluent in Italian. You hear that and you are, you... I'm fake. I do fake Italian. You are very good at your fake Italian.

Julie Bowen. I want to see this house. This has been a podcast presentation of Cadence 13. Please listen, then rate, review, and follow all episodes. Available now for free wherever you get your podcasts. No joke, folks.

Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13, executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13, and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman with production and engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.