Fortune Feimster
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it.

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All at your fingertips. Holmes.com. We've done your homework. Up next today, we've got Fortune Feimster, who I have called Feimster, and one of them is wrong. I'm not going to tell you which one. I know, and I've called her Fartoon Feimster. I've called her Fart-tion. I did it as your brother. Fartoon Feimster.

Our people worship you. She's really fun. We've done a lot of stuff together. She was, as David would say, a blast. Yeah, she's a blast. She's light on her feet, laughs the whole time. We talk a lot about stand-up. We talk about closing bits, how you decide on a closer. That's sort of inside baseball when people like that. We talk about

Butt massages, I think. We did. She told a very funny story about butt massages. And there's a twist ending, so stay tuned for that. Never see it coming, never. She was full of fun and joy. We talk about naming our comedy specials. We talked to each of us about a name for a special and how the arduous process of a name that no one's going to remember anyway, naming tours, all that. Yes, and the process of building...

a new hour. She's one of those people again, that makes you a little bit like, Whoa, just can really get kind of a new hour and a period of a few weeks. New hour of standup is very hard, very hard for most standups. Uh, she's very quick. She writes fast and she grinds it. She's in the road grinding it like Nikki Glaser. They're all out there grinding Nate. These people are doing like a hundred dates a year. It's unreal. Um,

But anyway, here she is. I hope you enjoy. We had a really, really good time with her. Here's Fortune. She's adorable. Here she is, Fortune. Beamster. Is Fortune here? Yes. Yes.

What was your nickname? We're going right at it. Because Fortune is such a great name. So nice to have you, and thanks for coming on. Hi, Dana. We are not smartless. They're the Borg. We are the little engine that could. Nice to meet you. I'm just curious, because I saw your name in print. Fortune, like...

Hey, Fortune Cookie. I mean, what was it? What did they do with that? Because that's such a cool name. Yes, my family was big on Fortune Cookies. That was, no. It's an old family name. My grandmother's mom, it's her maiden name. So there's a bunch of fortunes in my family with the last name Fortune.

Oh, and is that French? Forchon? Forchon? Forchon. I don't know. I don't know. It was kind of a nod to my grandmother. It's technically my middle name, but it's what I started to go by. It's such a good showbiz name. And, you know, if you do a special, your next one, maybe you call it Fortune 500 Minutes of Comedy. Ooh.

That's too many minutes. Or you call it fortune cookie and you make cookies while you do your standup. That would be good. Although 500 minutes, I would need a lot more minutes. It feels long. Yeah. I might lose some viewers.

People jump off after about eight minutes of a special. I think I read that. If someone says to me one more time, you got to drop into the algorithm. You got to make peace with the algorithm. Fucking algo guy. I'm so fucked about the algorithm. We're living with an algorithm. I don't know. How are you trending? What's your numbers like? Feeling good? Oh, yeah. I'm always trending.

You're always shaking the tree. That's right. This tree right here. Is that an office that looks kind of like, you look sort of like you're on a patio and you're outside? No, it's just a corner of my office. It's kind of cool because you have like boards instead of just whatever. I don't know. This is like the trend now in houses is to make a wall wall.

I don't know. Look outdoor. Oh, a textured wall. A textured wall. It's not like spades with the...

Skateboards on the wall. If someone says texture to me again, I'm going to blow my top. No, I'm kidding. I'm mad about algorithm is my number one hateful word. I don't really understand algorithms and why they... It's because you're not a computer. They're like, this is what we like. People are like, feed your algo. I go, I'm trying, but I don't know what that means. They're like...

The algo is mad. The algo is mad. Well, one site's like, don't post too much. It's not good for the algorithm. And then the other sites are like, you're not posting enough. The algorithm is mad. You're like, oh my God. And don't delete one. If you delete one, the algo goes back to zero and you have to win it over again. Really?

Another one is people say to me is don't look thirsty. Don't look too thirsty. Don't do a byline on a clip that looks like you're kind of looking for clicks. It has to not look too thirsty. Is that the correct use of that, David? Can you say thirsty a lot? It looks a little thirsty. Don't look thirsty. I want to see Dana start posting thirst traps. Yeah.

Dana with his shirt off working out in the woods. Hey, man, give us what we want. Let's just put it this way. You saw the golden bachelorette. I lived it. That doesn't make sense, but it sounds funny. I'm doing two thumbs pointing to me. No, I'm in good shape for the shape I'm in. Everything's fine. It's working. Don't Wikipedia my name, Fortune.

Fortune, you have a professional microphone. Is that part of the podcast situation you have right now? Yes. You have your podcast. You want to promote it, don't you? Yeah. I have a podcast called Handsome with Tig Notaro, myself, and Mae. That's right. I've seen that in the top 10. I mean, you guys are a hit, right? Yeah, it's crazy. We're about six and a half months in, 8 million downloads. We're just being silly and laughing and...

It's hard not to look at those charts. I know. So you're looking at, what, six months, eight million downloads? Was that like $7.50 a month? Or what is that? What's the algorithm? I used to be a CPA. I just like numbers. I'm not good with numbers. But yeah, it's... You're doing fine. Yeah. It's really fun. We have somebody ask us a question. It kind of leads...

um what the podcast is going to be about and it's us just being ridiculous for an hour is that how it works that you have a question and you run off that yeah do you mind if we borrow that idea for our other podcast because we're fresh out of bullets so thank you let me write that down yeah right you just changed my life listen the clip's been empty for a while now let's be honest

Take a question and do an hour of witty, funny talk. Give us an example of something. You guys are doing more than fine. This podcast is always up there on the charts, baby. Jeez, I can't look because I'm too sensitive. We are up there, huh? Yeah. I don't look at anything. I love you guys together. This is a great combo. We love you. Give us an example of a question that you could jump off on.

Oh, God. Is it just something vague or is it advice? Like Reese Witherspoon asked us, like, what was your favorite holiday gift? And so we did that at Christmas. Colbert asked us, like, do you have any woo-woo beliefs?

Oh, you're asking celebrities. Oh, yes. Not just fans. Yeah, we don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but what question would you ask our podcast, The Superlight? If you were going to ask a question, not saying we're going to use this, but what would it be? Well, because you guys come from rarefied air, I would ask some sort of SNL question. I would be like, you know.

What was the hardest part of working on SNL? Or something like that. Some inside baseball thing. Oh, yeah. We get too inside, actually. We're talking about...

every meeting and every office in that 17th floor. We have dissected. We have 150 hours of minutiae. Well, the meetings are on Monday with the host. You know, the rest of it. Did you ever have a thing about SNL being a cast member? Oh, yeah. That was like my North Star forever. I grew up watching. I watched...

Both of you guys, huge, huge fan of both of you. Well, isn't that special? I mean, come on. Church Lady was a big part of my childhood. And doing your dance, I mean...

superior dance yeah with the elbows up I don't know where it came from I heard Steve Martin when he was on the show when I was doing the read through I heard him say under his breath what kind of mind thinks of this because it was like your bulbous buttocks are throbbing you're not you know

but y'all were my guys. I mean, Wayne's world spade telling people bye-bye. I mean, it was all of it. So my, I'm from a tiny town in North Carolina. So that was my only access to comedy. And I would watch the sketches. I would record them on my VCR and,

Then I would go to softball or tennis practice and sort of recite these sketches for people. And then I ended up testing twice for SNL, 2009, 2010. Didn't test positive. It was a cool experience, though. We get people who have that experience. And then I always say, God,

God, there's so many inputs to being at the right place at the right time. It's not an outright rejection at all. It's literally people in the room going, oh, Fortune was really funny and your card's on the board. Yeah. But also, Barbara was great or Bill, whatever it is. So did you feel hurt by not getting it? Were you close or what did you think? I mean, obviously, that had been the dream for so long that not getting it was so disappointing, but...

Now that I'm at the place I'm at in my life, I can see why it didn't work out. I've weirdly enough gone on to work with so many SNL people. Even doing Keenan's

I worked with Lorne. Oh, there you go. Well, that means they loved you from the audition and remembered you. I was pretty green. I mean, I was in advance at the Groundlings when my first audition happened. So I hadn't even gotten the experience yet of Sunday Company and doing sketches every week. I feel like I might have auditioned maybe two years before I was really... No hard feelings. Fist bump?

I would say that you're, cause I saw your special and I would say there's that kind of, there's a likability thing that happens with certain performers. I mean, I can see it when I look at certain people like Steve Carell or whatever. Yeah. And, and you, you do have that big time.

And it's very cool to see the audience so charmed by you in your special. Thank you. I appreciate that. You're essentially clean. I mean, you're 99% just clean. And you're doing stuff about dodgeball and stuff. It's just sort of, it's charming. But anyway, they blew it. You should go back now. I didn't even do stand-up in my audition, which is wild to me now because I do feel like...

obviously it's a strong point for me. Stronger, yeah. My first audition was all characters and then I felt like I gave them all my best characters. So my second summer, I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do now. I should have just done stand-up. Well, can you comment on it? Oh yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you do a few characters. But what, do you mind just telling us what the characters you auditioned with? Well, it's funny. The first audition I only had like, I got called at like 3 p.m. on like a Wednesday. And they were like, can you be on a plane tonight? What am I, a booty call? They always do that. Yeah, it was crazy. They're like, can you be on a plane tonight? And you're going to audition at like noon tomorrow. So I was freaking out. But I almost liked that better.

I had less time to freak out. Yeah. Yeah. A booty callback. My first audition, actually, I thought went pretty well. I did Richard Simmons, obviously. Obviously. Well, you look so much alike. I did a Hooters waitress.

that I was doing at the time. What was funny is that I layered my clothes. So I started with my regular outfit doing, I can't remember what characters I did. And then I ended with taking that top layer off and it was the Richard Simmons tank top. Oh.

Then underneath that was a Hooters tank top. There's more? Oh my God. By the end of the audition, I had a pile of clothes and I ended my audition and I did feel like a stripper that was like, okay, that's,

The lap dance is over. I'm ramping it up. Because it is kind of quiet, no matter who you are. It's just a few people. Oh, good. Okay, you missed something. Your shoes are over there. Thank you very much. Yeah, you see those three lamps in the corner, and I'm gathering my clothes. Like, okay, thank you. Lauren, do you have any Tide Pods?

So I'll never forget that part of it. Did you have a ripcord at all or was it just sort of unbuttoned, get it off? It was just taking it off. No, but Elkro, you weren't on the show yet. When you get on the show, it's all about Elkro. Oh, and let me also add that I took my pants off because, of course, underneath my pants were short shorts. Because, hello, Hooters Waitress.

dedicated so the pants didn't just come off yeah on a chair and get them off i had to take my shoes off pull my pants down it was a whole i mean i was geez how did i not get that job that's crazy what what i don't like dana and this is not on the subject when you're watching when you're watching a porn i know you guys don't but when you're watching a porn

Everything's going great. And they're about to do it. And then they both sit down and start taking off their pants. And the guy's got to pull his Levi's over his shoes. I'm like, just take your shoes off. Like, yeah. And then the song, I'm like, God, and then he's, it's all stuck and he's got to sit down and he lays on the floor. I go, can we just trim this part? Like, I don't, I love that. Yeah. I write on the comments at the bottom. I go, I liked it. I didn't,

Yeah. I see. Easy trims.

I'll put this image in your head, Fortune, because you like Wayne's world. So Mike had one of the best reveals ever. He was touring with me and he would come out as Wayne with the whole outfit on, do these jokes. It's killing anyway. And then sprockets would come on and he had a spring mechanism that he suddenly, and then the wig comes off, his hair slicked back. So he's the German, he's Dieter and he's strutting around with the music. And I go, fuck, I got to

follow this? Yeah. This is fricking... Wow. It would crush just the suddenness of Touch a Monkey. That is wild. Yeah. Hi, Mike, if you're listening. Yeah. Hi, Mike. Man, you guys were the best. That was... I mean, you are the best, but that was so...

That was just such a huge part of my childhood. I told you, Dana, fortune is likable, so watch out. I know. You better watch out. I told her, watch out. Don't fall for it. She's very... Fortune and I have worked on a few things, and, you know, Fortune, you won't remember this, but we were on this show called After Party. I do remember that. Okay, that was for a year. That was in the thick of COVID.

Into the thick of it. Yeah, we were... You know, the funny thing about this was, Dana, you knew Lights Out because you did it and Fortune did it. My favorite talk show. That show is so good. Intimate, yeah. That show should still be on the air. You know, I do hear more. I hear more about it after. But when we were doing that, our old buddy and your buddy, Ted Sarandos, would come sometimes, right? He was just a comedy guy, so he would pop by. Netflix was...

Close by. So anyway, he, so when we got, uh, uh, word fired is strong. Uh, when we got COVID fired, it was really a new boss and they said, we're going to get rid of everything. Oh, the new regime. Yeah. So he called and said, Ted called and said, Hey, would you, is there a way we could do that over Netflix? Cause we did like that. You know, I think this, the stipulation was, uh,

At the end, if you could interview someone from one of the Netflix shows for eight to 10 minutes after you do your panel, after you, you know, and I'm like, well, yeah, because we were always looking for like a fourth act, like the closing act anyway. So it'd be like a monologue and then comedians blabbing about shit. And then maybe we'd film something and then interview someone. I said, that's actually perfect. What happened was we got me, Fortune and London in there, London Hughes. And we had Bill Burr on the first one. And what happens is,

Ted hands it off. Yeah. And then it gets handed off. And by the time we start shooting, it's not that it's not lights out anymore. No. Yeah. And unfortunately it just turned into like an hour commercial for whatever. Just for the people listening. So this was Ted got you to, uh,

And then you were doing like sort of a show that was about Netflix shows, loosely based, right? It was supposed to be the same thing as Lights Out. Oh, yeah. It's supposed to be Lights Out, then it turns into Entertainment Tonight. Yeah, it was originally supposed to just be comics kind of doing, yeah, just like joking around with each other. Sitting around and doing what we do. And the first one, they said, let's do Bill Burr and then someone from Netflix. And I'm like, oh, only one comic. Okay, well. So it sort of just got changed.

And, you know, all those things are well-intentioned. Like whoever's in charge, the English guy. And he said, well, we'll do this because it works here in England. And then the second show, how about no comic? And it's that fast. We're like, wait, this is really different. Well, it was odd because Spade's a very famous guy. You've been around, like, you're suddenly interviewing, like,

Fate the week saga. Love is blind. Why is fate in your mind? You know what I mean? It was like, what's happening? And I didn't even claim to know enough about it. I go, maybe London should do this one because she's more into it. She knows things I don't know. And I'm like, I don't even know what I'm doing. And I'm like, don't read the cue cards. I'm like, I don't know what show this is. They would be like, so Jenny and Georgia...

Which one of you is Jenny? I go, I've seen every episode. Now, which one's Jenny? And I go, oh, you might figure that out after a few episodes. You've watched seven seasons, but that's your first question. I really did like Jenny and George. That was a fun one because I did watch it. Yeah. And she was a sweetheart. Yeah. But the farther it went along, I didn't know.

I started whatever. I mean, there's no real blame. You didn't need to be interviewing people about their show. I just turned to something else and it was well-meaning. I still like Lights Out-ish. I mean, maybe we'll do a panel show one day. It was fun to do because we got to hang and laugh and

It was during the thick of the pandemic when people weren't working. Yeah, I think that first episode did so well. It was like the numbers were like insane that then they're like, whoa, wait, what? And then a bunch of cooks were in the kitchen. Yeah, they go, if this worked...

It would work even better if we changed it all. It would work. It works so well. We should change it a lot. Are you telling me, wait a minute. Are you guys telling me that the suits of the hierarchy will take something that's working and inject their clueless ego and destroy the souffle? Well, is that your premise? I'm saying it happens on every show. And,

sometimes it works, sometimes it makes the show better. In this scenario, it didn't play to anything I did well, so I'm going to have to blame because I was half checked out going, I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. It wasn't the show that you came in with that was working and was great for you. I didn't do a monologue after a while. I didn't do...

any goofing on comedians anymore. So it just came. Hi, I'm David Spade. And tonight we talk to the cast of mostly it's a new show and you bet I have to go watch it because I'm

we're telling everyone who these people are you know no one knows you were basically mario lopez yeah and you love you and maria manunos who we love great we love him very much he's tremendous sorry the karate kid one was fun because we did a sketch about him that was with ralph with ralph macho cobra kai yeah yeah cobra kai

Well, it sounds like a great show. I'm just going to write down reboot. What was the name of it? Oh, no need. It was called. What was it? No need. No need. I don't know. No need for the algo. No need. After after party. After party. Yes.

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Fortune, have you had that experience? Sorry, just based on what taking David Spade, really, really funny, all time funny, and then making him kind of the straight interviewer. Have you had experiences where they take you funny, funny, funny, and then somehow make you unfunny? I'm sure. It happened to me a lot when I wasn't writing it. Yeah. But what was your worst experience in a show? And we want names.

Gosh, I'm trying to remember. Or has it been a golden career? No, I mean, there's definitely some misses. I mean, I definitely think... So I went from... Mindy Project was my first series regular. I had just come off of Chelsea lately and loved it. And they wrote...

so well for me. I didn't have to think about anything. I literally just would show up. It was the best job. And then we went from that to a show called Champions that was on NBC and same group, similar group of people. But it was a new show, so it was trying to find its way. I definitely think

That was a character I didn't really know what that character was. And I was overacting and like intense. And I was like, oh, this is this is not working. You mean like you're trying to go for the laughs a little harder? Yeah. Still wasn't clicking.

Yeah, because I think because the pressure of it being a new show and we're like, where's the funny? I was trying to, I was pushing too much. It happens on stage with comics too, myself included, where when you're getting a tough crowd, you start to go bigger. You can't, or you bring out the profanity. It's just so...

Or you speed it up. There's so many classic things you do that are wrong. Yeah. The last one I did, it was, I only had one shot at it because the air conditioner went out the first night, you know, shooting a special. So then that wasn't usable because it was sweating. People were leaving. So it's kind of like you work on something for six months. You got, you got one shot. Here he comes. So very hard not to kind of push a little bit, but full circle back to your special, totally relaxed. Didn't feel like you were recording. Yeah.

Was that what I seen was real? I mean, you didn't look like you're pushing at all. That's good. I don't know what you felt. I definitely get, I don't get nervous, obviously, with live shows. I only get nervous when I'm filming. So there is that pressure to be like,

like you said, there's, I got two shows to get this right. I've been touring for so long with this material. I don't want it like tonight to be like the dud. Um, I think once I get, I think I'm a little stiffer on the first show. And then if I get that, at least the beats down, then I'm like, Oh, I have, I have the baseline there. Now I can just be, you can always pull people at home. Don't know. You sort of, you,

Usually combine the shows. Yeah. You do the same act twice. Then you go, that joke worked better in here. The one about the propeller worked better in the second show. And you kind of patch it together. But also...

I think on mine, you know, my, everyone had a mask on and I didn't know. So when I went out, the laughs were noticeably muffled. And I'm like, oh my God, because the first thing you don't want to think when you, after your first joke is, oh my God, they're a tough crowd. It's my crowd and they're tough. I'm having to win. I'm having to win over the people that already liked me. Yeah. I'm winning over my own crowd that paid. And they don't know.

But after I got off, they go, God, it was tough because they were all muffled. I go, oh, they were with the N95, like super non-laugh muffler. Yeah. And then I knew it. You couldn't see it from the stage that anyone? No. You're like, I don't want to look at anyone. And then I'm like, why? And then I thought, God, why is this so tough? And yeah, but you know, you can't breathe this week, but you want to just be loose and be like the other night I went on in Santa Rosa. I'm like, this is.

Such a fun show. I knew before I walked on the crowd was good. I go, I wish I was taping tonight. It just, that's the best, best theater I've ever played. Is that used to be the Luther Burbank and now it's called Wells Fargo or something like that. Right. I think Luther Burbank is still in the title. Oh, it was, it's in Santa Rosa. Oh, you have to play that place because it was a, it's based on a church with a balcony is sort of a half cylinder and

And if you talk about things, sway of rooms, right, David, it's 1600, but it plays like a club. It's really, the balcony is up on your sides. Also, it's not just in the back. And so everyone's on top of you. Kind of. It just has that quality. So yeah, I'm going to call my agent after I get off this and,

When would be good for you to play a Saturday in Santa Rosa? Yeah, just let me know. Dude, you're watching grinds out the gig. You are kicking it. I saw your schedule. You don't look tired. I am tired. Both these tours have been back to back and have been over 100 cities. Fucking A, Richie Rich.

Wow. And I film, and I film FUBAR with Arnold in between the two tours. So, so I never, so I haven't had a break since the pandemic.

We're going to put a hammock on the set. Let's go. Come on. Fortune. Yeah. Fortune. You know, she get that actress with the name and it brings good fortune. That's why we hired her. She's happy and smiling and we do the shots and then we were ready for the premiere with Ted Sarandos. He brought up at one point Hans and Franz. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. No, he's hysterical. Yeah. I mean, you're doing incredible. You're standing up. You got food bars. You got shows. Seems like you're on a roll for the last many years. I mean, congratulations. Oh, thank you. It doesn't always go perfect. It's awesome. I just work my butt off. You do. I don't ever stop because, you know, as all of us...

you know, have that fear of like what's going to happen that time when people don't want to come, you know? There's no real demand for us. That's the thing. I guess if I stopped, I wouldn't be like, okay. Yeah, people are just like, bye. So yeah, I just grind because, you know, I just, I do enjoy it and there is that,

fear of like when will this stop so let's go and you're you're young and um yeah go for it i i'm just curious do you have a name because david what's your name of your tour i think they're kind of funny well this is a good question because i was also going to say when you do a hundred at a clip do you flip the whole hour or what what is your when i said at the end of this tour yeah like when you did your first hundred shows now do you have to

wait and then you start over and flip the whole hour or do you do a combo plate? No, I do the tour like 100 cities, however many shows, 150 shows.

film a special. And some of those, some of those cities, not many might be right after. And then I go off the road for a couple months, right? Start doing like local shows. Then,

Then the special comes out. Oh, okay. Then I do some clubs to work on that new stuff. And I tell people, I'm working it out. They love that, though. They love it. And then, so say if the special came out in like,

october i'm working clubs november december january i'm starting a new tour new hour fast you get an hour that fast that's so hard that's what i'm you're a machine i did that this will be my third hour in five years it's so hard people don't get how hard is that goes there's gonna be stuff i know and i go well some people go on instagram you didn't even do those three jokes i'll

I know because half the people want new and half the people want old. I don't know. There are some jokes that people are like, will you tell that one thing? I was doing that early on. I was doing a joke or two from my Sweet and Salty special. Now that I'm working, I'm filming in April my next special. Now I'm just doing what that hour is going to be.

Where are you going to film it? In Seattle at the Moore. Oh, I'm going to Seattle. Yeah, it's fun. It's a really beautiful theater. It's like 1900 seats and three levels, but all the levels are like right at the stage.

So everything's very close. So the laughter is big and nice. So you've done three. I saw one. I hope I saw the latest one. I have two that are out and I'm filming the third one. Okay, on Netflix. And so do you have a name for your tour? Well, it really is hard to come up with those names. I did Live, Laugh, Love, which is, you know, that classic sign. All right.

In all your mom's, you know, kitchens or living rooms. I just think that sign is so funny. And I love that my mom's like, that's art. I'm like, you got it, sis. It sure is. I've done live, laugh, do crack.

I'm just embracing the corniness of it. So you did Sweet and Salty. No, I think it's nice. Sweet and Salty. Sweet and Salty was my... But see, I never... The name of my tours don't ever end up being the name of my special. Oh, is that different? Wait, I don't know. Mine's Catch Me Inside. Yeah. And my tour was called... I mean, my special was called...

I don't fucking know. What was it called? I don't remember. Heather, what is my tour? Heather! Oh, what is it? Something problems? Oh, um...

This has been a running game for two years. That's hilarious. Nothing personal. Nothing personal. It's so hard to remember. Because I do jokes about people. I did one about Stallone. I did one about... All these people I actually like and I do a joke. I'm like, wasn't that funny? And they're like...

It's fucking mean. I go, no. No, I was just having fun. It's funny for me because I get the benefit of it. I was just funning. I was honestly just funning. Next time you're going to go get four or whatever. You're kind of from the South, maybe? No, North Carolina. I'm definitely from the South. North Carolina. North Carolina. I'm going there. How is that place? I'm going there. You're going? When are you going? What's it called? The CPAC?

Deepak. That's in Durham. I'm going to be a Deepak in a couple weeks. Oh, you are? That's going to be great. It's like

Did you really graduate summa cum laude? This sounds like a lie. I did. No wonder you could do a new hour in eight weeks. I mean, fucking Stephen Hawking. Yeah, right. That's what everyone says. It was just, again, because I was an overachiever. Did you have six people in your high school?

I, um, I'm in a small town. I'm from a small town for sure. It's like 10,000 people. Yeah. And then my college was small too. So, um, and still that's good on the resume. Yeah. I mean, what the irony is I was working so hard in college to have a resume and then LA, no one cares. Shit. I know. You went to college.

College? Okay. What a loser. Yeah, you're a loser. You're not dedicated to comedy because you didn't quit school. Unless you went to Harvard, no one cares in comedy that you went to college. Harvard. They were all Ivy League at SNL.

a lot of the writers from harvard or brown or well let's see dartmouth yeah and i went to san francisco state he went to scottsdale community or dumb comics it was great smart writers or dumb comics that way it's just aa degrees from community colleges you know it's a trip i did um i sold a pilot and tina fey and robert carlock were the

This was a while ago. That's big. And they had a lot of the 30 Rock writers because I co-wrote it with Matt Hubbard who did 30 Rock and they're all Harvard. They're all Ivy League guys. And it is definitely like a different brain, the joke machine kind of thing. I had not worked with

People like that before. Well, they know all the references. They know French words. They know exactly what happened in the early part of the Civil War. They just have educated people

pedestal to stand on. Early part of the Civil War. They would know what George Washington ate for breakfast. These guys are educated. Conan has a doctorate in comedy. I loved Fun Dip growing up. Bunions, Fun Dip, anything with fun I liked. You know Rosetta Stone, the most trusted language learning program. If you want to learn a new language, which no time like the present, it's always fun to learn when you get older.

I know. And it's not learning a language when you're older, you know, over the age of 20 is difficult. You know, I mean, all the high school Spanish I took a grade school Spanish, you know, all I can say is Ola and hasta luego. So it goes out of your head. So now you have Rosetta Stone, David, tell them about it. Well, Dana, you know, more than anyone trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages. Uh, I mean, my gosh, uh,

They have Spanish, French, Italian, German. I don't think you can throw them a curveball. I think they're going to know. What don't they have? The language you want. Yeah. And immerses you in many ways. There's no English translations. You know what I'm saying?

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There's a true accent feature. It gives you feedback on your pronunciation. Yes. And of course there's desktop app options. There's an audio companion and ability to download lessons offline. Yeah. So that's great. Lifetime access to all 25 language courses. Rosetta stone offers for 50% off a steal. And I, and I do think that the off label thing that we're, I'm ad living now going off script is,

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are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up. They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Ooh. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells. Flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Salt, sea salt, vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah. Look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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Did you ever have a fun dip, Chunk? What are your early stand-up? What are some of your... You look back now that you feel are cringey or still special? Oh, I had a fun dip in my Sweet and Salty special. Oh, okay.

And that one was about being on the swim team. I joined the swim team because I found out that the swimmers ate Fun Dip. And that was the only thing that got me to do it. And then you were a champion? No, I didn't know how to swim. My parents signed me up for the swim team, but I didn't know how to swim. You thought it was how to learn how to swim? I ran across the pool. Oh.

Like Jesus? Or what do you mean ran across the pool? Like I was, I thought I could fool people into thinking I was doing the butterfly. Oh, okay. Oh, you ran across the bottom. The bottom, yeah. So I was like running and doing the motions. Yeah. Like no one will know.

And I beat everyone. I got there first. So they technically had to hand me a ribbon. That's not cheating. Well, then I was informed that I was disqualified. You get out of the pool and they just hand you a ribbon. There's no ceremony. No, you get a ribbon. But then someone has to tell me, like, actually, like, you got disqualified. Yeah.

They said, DQ. And you go, we're going to Dairy Queen? So that's one of the classics that I like to call them. But yeah, my earlier stuff, yeah, sure. I watched my half hour from Comedy Central. There was, again, a lot of that pushing, a lot of that yelling punchlines.

And I mean, my wife is like, can you lay off the yelling of punchlines? I've done it. My old standup. I'm like, Hey everybody, you've been to the DMV. It's crazy. They're like, all right. I had my brother say something to me that stuck with me. I'm at the improv in the early eighties, terrified eight o'clock spot. And I just bought it. I

I mean, you know, dead silent. Someone goes, Norman Lear seemed to like it. You know, it's like eight people. Before he left. My brother just kind of said, hurry up and be funny. Ooh. You know, rushing it, trying to just go really fast. Maybe that'll save me. Hurry up and be funny. Yeah.

Yeah, when you're bombing, it seems like such an instinct. And I did it two weeks ago at the Comedy Store. I went on and I thought I was hot shit and I was fucking cold boogers. I went out there and...

You know, I start going and they're not buying it. I'm like, what the fuck? Then I start going, wait, what am I doing? Oh, I should jump to that one. Oh, yeah. I don't like this. They don't like that. And then you start fire. You're like a horse that got spooked. Mm hmm. I don't. I mean, to be honest, and it's a good part. It sounds self-congratulatory, but it feels like the audience is kind of waiting for something

either George Bush Sr. or a car or something. Oh, yeah? And I could do any kind of thing about me at 7-Eleven or a regular stand-up bit, but then if I hit a voice, that's what we want. That would be nice to have in your back pocket, though, where you're like...

It's like playing a guitar. You're like, you guys don't like this? Are you going to like this? Oh, yeah. Here we go. Say hello to the church lady. But see, you're so great at impressions. Impressions is not obviously my... I can't even get rid of my Southern accent. I've been in LA 21 years, so... You have a very cool voice. I've just been starting to really listen to it. It's tonally in the accent. Yeah, it's just kind of...

I figure, I mean, I can't, I'm not going to try to do you, but there's some. Please do. I did do, I did Daniel Craig in Knives Out, what that was called? Yeah, classic. Because I did a cartoon for Robert Carlock and Tina Fey.

And so they said do kind of a South Carolina, you know? So I just watched Knives Out, and I just did that. I just did it over the top. Kind of like Foghorn Leghorn. Basically, that's what I'm trying to say. I guess it worked. I don't know. I don't know if I could pick one. It's jarring even hearing it Knives Out because you're like, it's so old school. Yeah. Yeah.

No one thinks that's real. They go, when you're in the Midwest, you go, that's not like a real thing. Yeah, it doesn't feel like a real voice.

Who am I doing now? There's a friend of mine. He's from the South, and he kind of talks like this. What y'all fixing to do? Yeah, that's like Tennessee. He acts kind of dumber than he is. I go, what are you doing saying you don't know what's going on? He goes, I was just playing Paul some. Paul some. I was just playing Paul. I was just phoning. Yeah, go ahead. Well, people do think every Southerner is a dumbass because of our accent.

Well, also this woman from Alabama who was a masseuse and she was a really good one. She used to put her elbow on your ass and go, give it. Oh, I like that. Elbow on the ass. Give it. Oh yeah. You had a whole, wasn't that? Yeah. Butt massage. That was funny. And,

And that's very real. I had a guy, masseuse, he only wanted to give butt massages. And I was like, I really was startled at first. And then it was the greatest thing I'd ever experienced.

And he would do it for like just the butt for like 30 minutes. Oh, my God. Would not touch like feet, legs, anything else. He was grossed out. He would do shoulders for like 10 minutes. And then that was a massage. And I kept going back because I was like, no one else is touching my butt like this guy. Yeah, you know.

Yeah, you walk in backwards. Yeah. Here we come. And then he got fired. And I was like, oh, yeah, I think he did. He was never supposed to do that probably at all. I don't think he was. He was just doing it. Hey, do I owe anything? No, you don't owe me anything. It's fine. I just got off. What? And he would make noises like,

like he was so into it and i was like i should be grossed out by this but my butt has never been more relaxed do you know that the glute muscle and all that stuff around there is connects the lower it is the biggest muscle in your body the most important yes yeah you must have felt incredible you must have walked with a bigger stride after that for sure and every and i

thought after doing that joke that like, okay, now when I go to a massage place, they're going to be like, let's give her the old...

Elbow. Because they saw it in the special. And not one has done it. I'm like, God dang it. You know what? They give you those code words. They really dress it up like gluteus, medius, and all this. You're like, right. And they're not just saying I'm into butts. But no one's like, do you want me to? They're not even giving me the option. Would you like me to get in on that glute? I'm like, yes, please.

I don't want to be a creep that's like, hey, what can you? I do. I say get in that butt. Get in that butt. I like big butts and I cannot lie. Who sang that song?

Sir Mix-a-Lot. Sir Mix-a-Lot. Have y'all had butt massages? Oh, my God, yes. Can I do my favorite glute joke? Give it to each other. This is Hans and Franz. They're my favorite put-down. Your buttocks are like marshmallows. You're lucky I don't have a campfire here.

So the reason that's funny is like, what are they going to burn? They're going to put his ass in a fire, right? Because his ass is like marshmallows. I've gotten a lot of massages, but not lately. I need a new, I need a masseuse. Dana, what do you think is the character people most request from you? Hmm.

It's a pick. I'm depending on age group. It would be the George Bush senior or Garth. It's George Bush senior, Garth, Church Lady, Hans and Franz or Ross Perot, probably. What's your closer? My closer, I do like 50 micro impressions. And you ever have a joke in your act?

that you don't feel is like the best bit, but it gets an oversized response. You're like, really? Yeah. Like I do George W. Bush as a standup with an old stock joke that Leno gave me once. And it kills so hard. I'm always like, really? George W. Bush as a standup. Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. It could happen. Like, wow.

Oh, they walk out of it. You know, I'm going, that's just such a silly joke. Yeah. I do like a hundred micro impressions in a row. Oh, that's cool. Just to bludgeon them quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Yeah. Thousand stabs with a knife and then they collapse at the end. The one that lately kills, I just brought it back because it made me laugh, was just a way to do George Bush Senior that I...

feels new. But anyway, yeah, George Bush senior tries to go off a high dive. So I'm like, I'm crawling up to the front of the stage. He's looking down. Got to do it. Got to do it. Then it's like, he looks over, not got to do it. You know, it's just, yeah, I love that. Uh, thank you. So what's your closer? What's your, uh,

don't give it away if you don't want to give away your clothes well you've had different closures yeah what yeah what's your sweet and salty class what's the one that you just wrote that you're gonna do in your special don't waste it so well i'll just say that this hour is um i've kind of fallen into the storytelling yeah rhythm of like of um my stand-up so every special um has a beginning middle and end like

I'm introducing a premise to you and here's kind of this is going to go on a journey and then this is all going to tie in at the end and then here we are going to come full circle.

So it's, so this, the closer is not necessarily like, Oh my God, this is going to like, you know, slap her titties. Just beat yourself up and slap your titties. Just slap your titties. This is good. Yeah. But it's a, it's a victory that involves what I set up in the beginning. And,

And so it's set. I introduced something early on. You're Christopher Nolan. Oh, yeah. I do my act backwards once. And then so the closer is the victory. And then I have the big the big clap for the victory. And I am tagging it with another thing that like.

Brings it full circle a second time. People gotta come watch it. And then do you put your hands up and go, good night!

And then photos. And then I do a photo. Yeah. Before I let you go, Fortune, you got to tell us, do you, how do you do the photo at the end? Because I never do it. And I go, I got to do this. You asked me, you're like, how do you do that? Because it is kind of an awkward, like you've done, you've gotten your victory and then you have to be like, okay, now I'm going to need a photo. Um,

Yeah, I just kind of... People are so used to it now. I just finished the thing. And while they're clapping, I'm like, thanks for coming. You guys are the best. Let's get a photo for the old Instagram or my scrapbook or whatever. Scrapbook. And I just say, you know, I go on the count of three.

And they did the house lights know to go up? Yeah, they bring the house lights up and I go on the count of three, just act like you had a good time. And I count to three and everyone goes, and we get a picture. When I do it, I'm going to go. And on three...

Stand up on two. And on three, you look like a standing ovation. What I do, which is an inside joke with my opening act sometimes, Larry Bubbles Brown is very funny because I tell him I'm going to do it. So I'm doing a guitar thing, guitar thing, guitar thing. Wham! Then I take the neck of the guitar and I hold the whole guitar up.

up slowly way over my head. So I'm kind of like 12 feet tall. And as I move the guitar up, the audience is hypnotized into standing up. Oh yeah. And then he's always laughing so hard. I like, I'm holding a head, a cutoff head. I love it.

They're like, we're standing for this. Yeah. Look at the guitar. It's up in the sky. I got to get on my feet. Well, when they know it's over, it's like when a plane lands, they're like, I just want to stand up and get out of here. I think it's, I take it as a compliment, but they're like, are you, can you stamp this? And I'm like, no, I'm leaving the stage. Well, cause all of us kind of set up the end for them. Right. We're like,

And now, my closer! Sometimes I said, before I go, here's one last thing. Yeah, that helps. Call the babysitter, say you're on the way. Yeah. It tips them off. Do you have nights where it's May Day, May Day, where you have to call an audible? You have to cut things or hurry it up? The audience is tired or drunk or they're just quiet? And do you adjust or you just...

it's not a problem. I mean, since you're telling stories, it's harder to like trim it on. Chop them. Right. Yeah. Cause there's definitely, um, a specific set I'm running right now. If the audience seems a little like my closer didn't get the punch I wanted, if it's feeling a little incomplete, I will then say, and as a cherry on top,

Let's do a classic. And I'll give them like the probably the most popular story I do is from Sweet and Salty about going to Hooters as a kid. And then my you know, it's a good one. It works. What's that? Oh,

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it always works. So that doesn't work. You're like, fuck it. If that doesn't work, then it's not funny. But I got nothing for you. Could you just tell it? Tell us the first the first laugh line of that story. The first. Well, the. So what it is is that I just say I've been the Hooters my entire life because I have two older brothers. They loved Hooters. So it was never a big deal. And my mom started dating a very conservative man when I was in high school.

who, you know, everything was a sin. And I said, we were trying to figure out where to eat. And my mom's, I start playing my mom where she stiffens up and she looks at me and she's like, I have never eaten

been to Hooters. And it's because it's a long story, but now that people know this story and love this story, the whole audience... They wait for it. They say it with me. I have never... The whole audience is yelling, I have never been to Hooters as a whole crowd. It's pretty fun. That's like Beyonce. Yeah, I'm just like Beyonce.

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At Robert Half, we know talent. Visit roberthalf.com today. What size rooms are you playing now? What's your biggest room you've ever played? I just did the Chicago Theater. That was 3,500 seats. It was sold out. That was pretty awesome. That's hard to do. Yeah, it was definitely like a cool, like, holy cow room.

This is a milestone moment. I'm doing anywhere from 1,500 seats to the 3,500 seats. And then sometimes I'm selling out the 2,700 seat and adding a show or sometimes I'm selling out the 2,700 seats and that's that. Or sometimes I'm, you know,

Happy to have the $1,200. What city... Sorry, this is inside baseball for our listeners. What city do you sell the tickets the easiest? You know, certain cities are like, oh, you sold out already. What city loves you the most? Seattle? Because that's where you're going back to. Seattle's... Yeah, we're at like 6,000 tickets there that weekend. It's pretty crazy. Seattle, Chicago...

We almost added a second show, but I got too nervous to not have the victory. It's hard. Yeah. If you don't fill up the second one, it sometimes looks weird. I've done that. Yeah. Why did I? I'll just come back. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Dallas...

Charlotte. I mean, I have this, I'm in this weird spot where I'm Southern, but I'm also gay. So I do a lot. I do really well in red States that would surprise people because there are, you know, even though they're red States, there are people there that want to, they want to see out at night. Yeah. They want to see people that don't come through as much. And so, yeah, I,

I do like I sell better than like Mobile, Alabama than I do San Francisco. It's wild because a lot of those folks are just starved for, you know, other voices that they don't get coming through there. Some representation. They go, we don't. And Sam Fran, it's every night. Somebody there, you're like, hey, yeah, be fun. And then plus you do just a great stand up show anyway.

Yeah, I mean, I try to do jokes and stories that are not geared towards one person or one voice or one experience. Even though I am gay, there's a lot to me that goes beyond that. So my stories are coming from a place of like,

Being a kid in the 80s, having a quirky mom, being married. So things that even in Good Fortune, my last special, proposing to my wife, that's something men could relate to. Being nervous, not getting it right. I try to throw out stories that different people can grab onto and relate to. Yeah, I think you have a very broad appeal to all kinds of people.

Thank you. I tried. I think so. I'm going out on a limb. I'm predicting good things. One is not only that you're talented, that you have a great work ethic. It's very impressive that you can turn an hour and treat it like a college –

or something, I guess. Are you recording? You go to the clubs, you record your set, and then you're writing, listening to the recording, making notes, writing, going back to the club. I mean, it's... It's hard. Mentally hard. It is my least favorite process, the writing of the new hour. I'm sure you guys...

Feel similar. It's tough. It's hard. I'm like, what? I mean, at the end of this, I'm like, what am I going to talk about? And you're like, I have a couple things at work. I don't have a closer. I don't have something that kills every time. And then you're missing your old stuff going, fuck, I could put that in right here. I know. It's hard. It's not a process. That process, I enjoy when it's on its feet and I'm working it out. But I don't enjoy the like, I don't know what stories to even start with.

You've already racked your brain for three specials. Yeah. And we're all working all the time. So my wife's like, we got to live some life. Do stuff. Yeah. Do something different. I don't want to be talking about rental cars and hotels in my next one. And gold bars that you bought. Right.

I'm a gold member of Hertz. Well, thank you, Fortune. Thanks for coming on. So nice to meet you. I hope we run into each other and I'll go, hey, you're on our podcast. Hi, Fortune. Dana, it's such a treat to talk to you and meet you. My pleasure. I love me some Spade, too. Yeah.

Spade and I went real quick. We went, I happened to be at Craig's once at the same time. Oh, that's right. The place in LA to eat. Yeah. There was a booth between us that was empty. Yep. And they, so Spade was in one booth over here. We were on the other booth, an empty booth between us and Megan Markle and Prince Harry were

We're maybe going to come and be between us. Yeah. And I was like, this would have been the greatest story. Oh my God. Because they came up and whispered, they go, Hey,

just so you know, we're not supposed to tell. Meg and Mark and Prince Harry are going to sit right there. And I'm like, oh, fuck yeah. And then I look over and I see Fortune. I go, oh my God. We go over there. We're like conspiring. Like, this is going to be so fun. You're going to get 10 new minutes. But then remember, Fortune, we saw a couple like Secret Service guys come in. Like checking the place out. And I think they went back and said, there's two clowns on either side and I wouldn't go in there. They're probably going to TikTok. Let's not have this happen. They went to the bungalows after.

Oh man, but I thought that would have been the greatest moment of fun. Like you and I sandwiching a royal. Would you have gone over? No, you probably wouldn't. I wouldn't unless they came over. Yeah, at least they said something. Yeah. I would just nod my head and go, Carrot Top?

But anyway. Oh, it's Prince Harry. I love all your stuff. You're fabulous. My name's Dimitri. Nice to meet you. I would have ran away. I want them on this podcast. All right. Because I do think I'm sure they're very funny people. I'm sure they laugh a lot. They need to come on here. They need to loosen up. Just laugh. Let's tease out all the humor. Get rid of the darkness. Yeah.

have Prince William beam in or whatever. Get these Royals back together as a family. That's one of my goals this year in 2024. If anyone can bring the Royals back together, it's you two. Yeah. We won't go rough on them.

There you go. No hard-hitting questions right here. You heard it. No, no, just fun. Yeah. I had fun. Stay in touch and like me more than Dana. I mean... Do what you can. It's hard. I know. I always wanted to get on the Fortune 500, and I feel like I kind of have. No, I have no closer. Of course you have. That was a great closer, Dana. No closer.

All right, bye. Well, all right, I'll just say goodbye as the church lay. Well, well, well, fortune, find me, meister oyster. We don't know how to pronounce our last name, do we? But Jesus loves us, and we know that. We like to do our little comedy jokes and strut around the stage like a little scrumpet. Anyway, sorry, that's all I got. Oh, my God. She's mean. That just took me to a very wonderful place in my childhood.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Please follow, subscribe, leave a like, a review, all this stuff, smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts. Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, and Heather Santoro. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.