Bert Kreischer
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's- Because they're naked? Well, it's like the 1800th time you say, on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there, I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it. Hey, David, what's the date? March 16th. No, no, it's not. We're pre-recording this. Oh.

I thought that's what we were supposed to say. We had a choice to lie, but I said, no, our podcast doesn't lie. Did you like that I immediately lied? Well, look, I'm here to bust you on it. That's why we're partners. That's true. Yeah. You lie like-

Like a cool breeze. You lie like a rug. You lie like a lie. We got Bert Kreischer. Anyway, Bert Kreischer has a special out today. Razzle Dazzle. Razzle Dazzle. That's a good name. Bert Kreischer has a special Razzle Dazzle. By the way, Dana, I got a lot of good feedback from the Brendan Fraser show. Okay. And this producer even said, he was in the whale. You should do a movie about your dick called The Minnow.

And I go, well, I don't know. I got the podcast. I got so much going on right now. Why would the producer have an opinion about the size of your appendage? Is it guesswork based on thumb size? He says, don't get mad. I'm just brainstorming. I go, all right, well.

Listen, there's no bad ideas. Yeah, he told me the same thing. He told me I should have a special called Big Cock. And I go, I don't work blue, but I said that's kind of- Big Cock and Little Pubes. It's Big Cock on Netflix. This is good for the Bert intro because this is- Rhino. We got kind of raunchy with Bert. Why do they say it's a compliment a guy's hung like a rhino? Have you ever seen Rhino Genitalia? No, they're not known for big ones. I don't care what the size is. Well, you can't compete with a horn in the front.

They say rhinos, wieners are about a third of the horn. That's why they're going extinct. Yeah. No one wants to fuck them, even female rhinos. No animals. We've finally gone R. And Greg and Evan are the happiest I've seen. Our crew here right now. We got, he talks about going on a date in quotes with Will Smith.

Yes, he has. Well, first of all, he's a great storyteller. He's sober when he does our podcast, so his energy is off the charts. He's like kind of human Xanax. I mean, he is just a cheerful, fun human. Well, doesn't he kind of calm you down because he's so effusive? Yeah. And he tells this great story about interacting with Will Smith, hysterical. He's very huggable.

I think I hugged him a few times during it. He came here to do it. He didn't mind it, but when you snuck up from behind him and really- You know what I did? I hid in his chest hair and then no one said anything. And then he started talking. I go, surprise. So you're that small and you can hide in chest hair. And then I saw someone who's pubes. I go, I don't want to give it away. He also talked to us- That's the movie you should make. It's just called Tiny Man, not Ant-Man, but-

Yeah, man. And he and I bond over our mutual fear of flying and our need to have an adult beverage while we're flying. Yeah, yeah. So we actually, he levitated out of his seat when he found out that some tactics I do on a morning flight to get a cocktail because I don't like flying. David loves it. I hate flying. I flew this week and I was stuck in coach because of,

Some lemony, snickety, unfortunate event. So I'm in the back and they have like a literally a one foot curtain like this. So I can't see the people in first class. So I'd go like this. Oh,

And they go, don't look at the rich people, sir. And then someone was watching King Kong on their thing and I was trying to watch between the cracks and I see Jack Black and they block it with their arm. I'm like, fuck, man, come on, let me watch this. Because you didn't have movies in Coach? We're going to get people sending you devices to watch. I'm going to send you a mini iPad. No, I think they got confused because when I got to the gate, I go, put me in, Coach. And then they go, okay.

And I go, no, I didn't mean put me in coach. They actually didn't even have a keyboard. They just went like this. Okay, so what else? The stuff that happens to you on the road. That's your next book. My throat is a little trashed. David has not intentionally got a sultry voice. It's from performing, right? I apologize for the sexiness, yeah.

But it's good, you know? I feel like I'm still out there trying. Hey, kid, I'm going to talk like Harrison Ford the rest of the time we do ads. What's the problem, kid? Oh, God, I had a joke. My voice can't think about it. Anyway, that's it. All right, let's just keep going. Enough about us. Oh, yeah, the doctor said...

Try not to interrupt people for a week. And I said, oh, no, come on. We practice cross-talking. Don't say that. Twice a week, it's like training. We get on the phone and go, okay, I'll talk, you talk. And we talk over each other. Just to keep in shape, because heaven forbid, we let the other guy talk. Do you want to practice? Fuck these guests. Three, two, one. Here comes Bert. He's going to talk a lot. He's going to talk a lot. He's going to love Bert. Bye. Bye. So I was going to do...

I got an offer to write a self-help book. Here's my pitch, okay? I think you guys will understand this. Oh, definitely. We're all over this. I was listening to your podcast. I have more fear of flying and more neurosis around flying and having beer than you do, if that's possible. But we should fly together. I would like to go tit for tat on that because my flying has got –

I remember one time, so I'm ritualistic when I fly. Before I fly in the shower, I have to wash every part of my body, and then I have to squat down like a cat here and say prayers, and I do certain rituals in my prayers. I circle every family member in my family three times in case I die. I just make sure they're wrapped in love, and then I do. I'm going to sound like a fucking lunatic. My name is Bert Kreischer, guys. I'm actually a comedian. No, no, Bert. When I would occasionally get private jets provided for me, I would have the beer here.

And going down the runway. Oh, we definitely have to fly together. When we took off, that made the beer go as we took off. You would drink every time. Don't worry. We cut all the comedy out of this at the end. Every. This is more of a self-help one with Bert. So I've done. So in my rituals, I get through my rituals. And then one of the rituals was I had to respect the fear.

Because if I didn't respect the fear like these other idiots who were just sitting there thinking, I'm just going to work. Those are the fuckers that die because they don't respect the fragility of life. I'm respecting it by drinking my fucking face off and going, this is how we'll get there. I mean, my flying got so bad that like, I mean, now I've flown this month sober and in a weird way, I can watch the anxiety creep in. It's almost like a whisper, like an asshole friend. Yeah.

Hey, Bert, I just want to remind you, you're going to die in a couple minutes. It happens in an instant. Yeah. You won't even know. You won't even care that you're flying. Yeah. You know, when planes make that noise, it goes, eee. Like, when you take off, I think they all do it. But in my head, I always go, this is what you hear in the movies when you're, like, going down. And I go, no one's even looking that this is a weird noise. Whoa.

Well, wait a minute. There's always a point when I think I'll die on a flight. There's a new flight. This is a commercial flight, but there's a 787-10X. I know every plane. I do too. By the way, I know more about planes than pilots. That's so funny. You're like my brother from another mother. I know the seats on every plane.

I know where you don't want to sit and where you do want to sit. So there's a... The 77 engines are so quiet. It flies different than any other plane. And you can fly it from LA to Newark. But you're doing all the short hops. But when I flew back, I took off completely. I just do my breathing. Nothing in me, you know.

Because it's too embarrassing. 830 flight. Excuse me. But I have a Heineken. It's embarrassing if you're Dana Carvey and you're putting back cocktails when you're Bert Kreiser. Respect. Let me tell you something. Double jack on the rocks. Lots of rocks. That's my takeoff drink. I only drink beer, but my wife only wants coffee. So she'll get coffee and a Heineken. How the fuck did we marry these dead inside human beings who can't even drink?

and have a cup of coffee and not respect the fragility of life. For me, she orders a Heineken for herself. Oh, hold on. Me, you, and Ric Flair. Me, you, and Ric Flair. Hold on. I swear to God, I'm sitting next to her. And then I drink mine and hers and then I put both empty bottles on her tray and go, I can't stop her. She's lush. Dana, I've never connected more of the human being other than my wife than you right now. This...

Right. Ric Flair and I are on a flight. Okay. I'm next to my wife. He's next to his wife. Yes. The lady comes back. She goes, can I get you guys something to drink? What time is it? Seven in the morning. Perfect. Seven out of Charlotte, I think. Charlotte's a motherfucker. It's a beast. Can I get you a cocktail? And she goes to Ric and Ric says, double, double,

a double Bloody Mary for me and a double Bloody Mary for her. And he goes, interesting. So he comes over to me, can I get you a drink? And I said, I'm going to take a double Jack of the Rocks. Do you want a double Jack of the Rocks? And she's like, my underwife nods. Right. So we both get our Jack of the Rocks. What I do is I drink hers first because she's the alcoholic.

And as I do it, I look over, Ric Flair's already murdered his wife's drink. And I go, I'm drinking like Ric Flair. Like we all have the same cheat code when we get on a plane. I used to fly with my producer for Travel Channel and pretend she was my wife so that I could make her drink and I could have her drink. Oh, yeah. Oh, there's a lot of tricks of the trade. I used to have the early days, I'd have a bucket of 10 beers per day.

between my, right between us. Yeah, I've way slowed down. I've gotten better. I don't even know you. But I don't fly like you do. Like I only fly five times a year, so I don't go on tour that much. But you do tour. You try to do a bus. I live in a bus.

uh yeah but i have to fly in and out and i fly to do two bears one cave i fly so my week my month will go uh i'll have one week off right now it's been one bear four caves is that how it is it just mixes up a little bit there's bears and caves of all kinds i do i'll go on the road i'll do one week on the road then i'll do monday tuesday wednesday and austin to do two bears then go back straight down the road and then i'll come home for a week right now i'm going to my daughter's uh

parents weekend for my week off and then i'll go back on a road yeah no shit and then i go back i can't even go to her college fucking party a lot of respect man for flying sober on these little hopper planes in in lightning and we're gonna ask everyone to take a seat for a while we're gonna have some you know so have you been traumatized truly terrified on a plane because of an engine failure and stuff like that uh uh i've had a number of

I've had a number of incidents with horrific – one time this is one of those clarity moments. I was sitting next to one of my cameramen. We were flying from Canada or from Alaska down to L.A., and we hit horrible turbulence out over Vancouver Island. And he was like, what are you freaking out over? And I said, I feel like I haven't lived my life. I haven't lived –

like I haven't fulfilled what I want to accomplish in my life. He looks at me and he goes, do you realize how insulting that is? I said, what? He goes, I've been filming you live your life. He goes, I've done nothing then. And I went, you should be drinking now.

That's a funny twist. Well, I've seen flight attendants bursting into tears, engines conked out, emergency landings. Without the seatbelt, I'm not in the seat, things flying around. So then I think, aren't we kind of wired for neuroses in a way? If you're a sensitive instrument and you're a comedian, you're trying to notice everything, then I just find the whole premise. I flew with you into Texas once. It was pretty wild.

Well, I'm like powder. You get super calm. Yeah. I feel a lot of things. I use powder as an example, as a joke, so often. You know the director of that got caught molesting boys. No.

Maybe allegedly. I don't know. Maybe someone Googled that. That's a bummer. No, but I've used that because I've used Powder so much. Powder is great. Powder is one of the best movies ever. Oh, okay. It's a real tearjerker. It's about a kid that gets picked on. He's got all these powers and he's very sensitive and...

I don't have the powers. I'm just a sensitive pussy guy. I thought you meant you guys are like powder. You're like sand. No, that might be better. He's a hairless albino. I'm a combo between Lucas and powder. Because I went out for football when I weighed 114 and I got fucking cremated. Why would you go out for 114? I love football. Because I'm trying to fit in. When tackle football came in and I was 5'1", 93, I went to track. I said no. Yeah, my uncle told me to go in gymnastics. I go, why don't I just blow dudes?

He's like, it's up to you. You could do the Iron Cross. I could do... I did the horse. I did... You did the pommel horse? Oh, yeah. Florex. I did parallel bars. No wonder you're so jacked.

I was ripped. You were kind of, you're like wiry muscle. It's good if you want to go into friend jail for the rest of your life with all the, they go, there's a lot of chicks in there. And I go, yeah, but I'm their friend. I mean, they, they go, you wouldn't be straight if you were. Could you get girls in high school? No, it was no fame. No, it was all. Is that no,

Well, of course. It's fucking exponentially. Well, Mickey Rooney told me money, i.e. fame, money makes you handsomer. It's true. I went from nerdy and geeky to interesting. I like the underdog. I go, oh, that wasn't really the idea. I wonder sometimes what kind of pussy I could get now. You would do great. Yeah, because I'm landlocked to this fucking...

Menopausal fucking... Landlocked. Well, you have a great wife already because she'll hear this and go, hi, Bert. She'll laugh. She's just... I don't know. I love her. And I'm... I don't... I have a bit of my new special about it, but I don't really... I don't really... I never was like a... I was never a sex dude. I was more a party dude. Like, I was never...

I think I'm very sensitive, and so if I just wanted to fall in love, I remember I was telling someone I'd go to bars in college, and everyone was like, I hope I get laid. And I was like, I hope I meet someone who understands me. Wow. Just put up with me. Yeah, yeah, or someone that wants to just go get pizza and not go to bars anymore and just hang out. How old were you when women who wouldn't have looked at you in high school or college were kind of overtly nervous talking to you? Oh, fuck.

49. And you're 48? I'm 49 now. Well, we have to remind the audience. This is Bert Kreischer. Yeah. He is a big-time comedian, podcaster, all around. Very interesting past. We were doing some extra digging. I know you a little bit, but we were doing some digging. Mm-hmm.

Dana, of course, doesn't know. No, I have a photographic memory. Florida State University. Did it have the Gator Bowl? No, that's Florida. Because I played that once. I think I might have been there. Well, I'd never seen anything. It was called Gator Growl.

Yes. And Tim, when the football players came out, because they all had, it was like Close Encounters of the Third Kind. They were all stunning. Tim Tebow, right? And when they came, I was behind them. It was beyond the Beatles and Elvis. They went. On those games in college. That was the team. It was at night. A lot of those dudes went to prison. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, Tim Tebow was a good guy, but I think Aaron Hernandez was on that team. I think the two brothers were on that team. Because of Harvey Weinstein kind of stuff? I think so. Okay. Well, code for whatever. They were at training camp. They didn't know it was for prison.

You know, in Tampa, was your first... Oh, here's my first thing. When you were from Tampa, was your first joke, I'm a tampon from Tampa? Full-blooded tampon. Oh, full-blooded tampon. Even better. You fucking peppered it up. Well, because he was a...

I don't know where I'm going with this. Well, people don't know this, which is kind of interesting. I'll just do it. You became, like, the college was named the Party College of the Year. Okay. And then somehow, how did you become the Party College Guy of the Year? Like, how did they find you? And then you blew up from that. Well, yeah. I just answered it.

a rough question about like what was the if it wasn't for this why i would have never gotten a comedy and it was this in 1997 rolling stone magazine wrote an article about me calling me the number one party animal right in the country at the number one school at the number one school so what what meant to happen was

They were meaning to write an article about Florida State. Yeah. And when they got there, they needed a chaperone, someone to take them around. They found me. They just called up a bunch of people. Everyone was like, you should hang out with this guy, Bert. He's been here seven years. He knows everyone. So they come. It's a lifer. Yeah. Yeah.

I was. I just didn't know what I wanted to do, and I was like, I don't need to leave. I can just get another minor. I just keep going. And so I took this guy around. He goes back, writes the article. Jan Werner's like, this doesn't – it's too broad of a subject. Let's just make it about this kid. So then they – and I have no idea this is going to happen. They end up writing the article.

about me. I remember getting it and I was, Beck was on the cover and I remember thinking it was me for a second. And I was like, I look great. And then I opened it and it's like a big centerfold of me in a fountain. And the opening line was like, it's taken Bert Kreisler six and a half years

to become the man he is today, the number one partier at the number one party school in the nation. And it changed my life. Changed your life. Overnight, overnight. This is before fame was like a thing. Yeah. Like where everyone could get it. All of a sudden, I'm doing- Oh, in college there's no way to get famous. That's a good point. Everyone is famous now. Yeah, there's no way under 25 to be famous back then. Oh, in 1997? The real world and road rules had just started happening within that era. That was the only way you could get famous. Yeah, yeah.

This comes out. I do morning call-ins all morning long. They just get my number, call my room, my house. Oprah's people reached out, wanted to have me and my parents on. I did just all these huge things. The subject was what went wrong. Yeah, I think so. Well, I remember going- Burt Chrysler, people. And I was an open book. I was like this kid who partied. And if you want to talk to me, I would be like, off the record? And they're like, yeah, sure, off the record, kid. And so I spilled everything.

And then this radio station gave me an opportunity to stand up. They were setting me up to fail. Now, you guys would both know this. They had four comics that were road dogs.

go do 20 minutes before me each and then I closed the show never having done stand-up. Oh, wow. That's a setup. Yeah, it was a setup but I killed. I had murdered. I murdered just stream of conscious. Probably... Usually that was literally the first time? The literal first time I got on stage. Usually the first time is good especially if they said this is his first time doing stand-up. Did they say that?

I think it was implied. I think everyone knew. Because a lot of people, I was also pretty famous at the school. So like a lot of, everyone that showed up knew who I was. Oh, that sort of was a trick. Yeah, a little bit. It's like Eddie Murphy getting on stage and everyone's like, oh shit. No, that's not the same. But I got to offer a morning show. That's amazing. I got to offer their morning show from that thing. Oh, wow. To be like Zuko? Uh-uh.

I was going to be third Mike. I was going to be third Mike for like a couple months, and then I'd take over the show. You ever do a... Wow. I'm going to interrupt you. Do you ever do a phoner for a radio station? They go, hold, please. All right, when we come back, you're going to be on with Zippy, Cuckoo, a bird, a parakeet, a robot, and Jim Jim. He's going to be in the helicopter. All right, you're on. And I go, it's the zoo crew. Go, go. And I'm like, who am I talking to? They've had caffeine for three hours. And they're like, it's Tommy and the Bull.

It's usually a guy and an animal. And Shaniqua. And then a woman on the third. They were always horrifically under, like just subtly racist as shit, but they didn't know it because no one was calling them on it yet. There was one in Florida called the Q Morning Zoo, and they used to do tales from Taniqua. And she would, it was just a black woman ordering McDonald's. And it was like, and it was.

like a two minute bit and it was just a white guy doing what he sat for a black woman sounded like. Oh, a white guy doing it? Oh yeah, it wasn't a black woman. Do you think they were going to go out? Well, we used to do, we had Flip Wilson. He did Geraldine. That was what we used to do in high school. We'd do a character talk like this. That was his character. And you're basically doing Geraldine. Yeah, Geraldine. So that sounds funny. Let's ask Bert about

Oh, because we have to have some sort of SNL tie-ins because a lot of comedians, you know, are brought up on SNL. You were just talking, you were just mentioning you might do something with some, I don't know if you want to talk about that, but you were talking about movies and how... What's the secret? I thought it was interesting you just said that Tommy Boy and Blues Brothers were similar in the way that you thought Ackroyd was the Farley of that. Yeah, well, so, like, okay, I mean, it's no lie, like, I'm...

The you guys, your your people, the people that you guys all know, the SNL and all the actors, all you guys kind of, you know, I'm sure you know this, but you're responsible for not just my sense of humor, but my personality. Like, you know, you when you're a kid, you watch certain people and you go, that's I'm not I'm like, I'm that guy in our friend group.

Or you don't even know. You just try to act like, emulate like guys I would see Caddyshack. That's your whole life. I have now been every character in Caddyshack in my entire life. I've been Ty Webb. I've been Bill Murray. I think I'm Rodney Dangerfield now. And so all those people –

I am a Belushi Farley guy. That's like, I mean, I read fucking wired and was like the first time I took a physical for a TV show. I did what Belushi did, you know, where I fucking smoke drink thing. And then the lady's like, Hey, just so you know, you're not going to be cleared to do this. Oh yeah. I was like, what? She was like, let's rip this one up and change our answers. I was like, I seldomly drink. So, uh,

But we were talking with this guy, Etan Cohen. Tom and I are doing a project. And we were talking about great buddy comedies. And both of you have been in the best buddy comedy movies ever.

other than Ackroyd, who wrote whoever he started with was always the other, you know. But we were talking about Tommy Boy and we were saying that immediately you think Belushi is Farley and you are Ackroyd. But when you look at Blues Brothers, technically, Ackroyd is Farley and Belushi is you. Because he's more straight-laced. He's the kind of straight man in the entire thing. And Ackroyd's the one who's...

putting superglue on the pedal. I mean, he's doing all the tricks. He's the one driving crazy. It's so fascinating, especially when you start going back. Like, when you look and realize half of Bill Murray's movies are movies that were supposed to be go-to-Belushi. Like, Ghostbusters was supposed to be Belushi. And then you realize...

Huh. Because Belushi's real strength wasn't, I know it sounds crazy that we all see Farley as Belushi, but that wasn't Belushi. It really wasn't. He was in Continental Divide. Everything he did was a little more straight. The only thing he did was Animal House, but he didn't even fucking speak.

Yeah, that's... But that was kind of the physical comedy. Yeah. And put the marshmallows in his mouth. And it was such a crazy movie around him and he's the star of it. He looks like... And he does popping the zit and toga. Yeah, it's all physical comedy. Yeah, he didn't speak... But he does do his eyebrows, he does facials, and I think he wanted to do more straight stuff and so did Farley. So...

When Belushi does Continental Divide, which not everyone saw, but I thought was interesting with Ackroyd. I think people are a little disappointed because they weren't as crazy as what you thought it would be. Or Neighbors. Oh, yeah. Neighbors. Neighbors was where they flipped the roles. Yeah. At the last minute, he goes, you know, I'm going to play Ackroyd's part. You play my part. I'm thinking of Neighbors. Yeah. Yeah. Neighbors. Yeah. When he goes, stop switching those cups, George. Or it's going to be Pump City.

Yeah. But I go back. Now I go back. And this is maybe you guys will know more about this. But what about Some Like It Hot, right? Okay. Who was that? Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe, 1962, one, two. So who were – is the dynamic when you play two people, when you look at Wayne's World, and I hate to use you and Farley as the example, but that's like probably the clearest to everyone. Like you're Farley, Mike's Spade, right? Yeah.

That's an interesting question. I think that Mike and I, which it ended up working out so nice, we just have different styles, but they melded. So we were both being funny in a different way. Like, I love when Aaron was extremely opposite. Me and Farley, I think, were more supposed to be opposite. You were reacting to his shenanigans. But Mike, a lot of times, will look to the camera and point to you like, this guy. Right. Someone's got to be...

The voice of reason or something? Off, off, and someone's got to be on. Well, that's true. Mike would, if there was... Off and on, yeah. Yeah, some storyline he had to deliver, he would do that. I was just sort of outside of everything in my own little world.

me meaning Garth. Yeah. Just sort of, but I loved it. I mean, I love the part where I, you know, like Tom Hanks said to me once, isn't it great to be the guy next to the guy? Cause it is Wayne's world, but I got to just kind of float around in it. Oh, it's so funny. You get to score. Yeah. I see that as different. The focus is on. In what way? I don't know. Better to be the guy. I gravitate.

Towards your character. I identify with your character in that because I'm always a little bizarre Like I'm always the off guy Yeah, as opposed to the guy who knows what's going on the guy can drive the story forward the guy that goes hey We got to go sell these fucking brake pads We're all gonna and the one guy that goes I don't know how to sell a brake pad. Yeah, you know like so I Find it fascinating because the buddy comedy is like such a it's when done right and you guys have both are all

maybe the two examples of dudes who have defined the genre when done right. - Jeez, that's cool. - You know that, right? - They're not around as much as they used to be, even like 48 Hours. - Comedies aren't around the way they used to be. - 48 Hours, is it funny?

But for some reason it's funny, right? Like, I mean, it's not... Such a cool movie. It's such a cool fucking movie. Because Walter Hill made badass movies, you know, so it has a coolness to it. And Nick Nolte is straight. And then they let Eddie kind of, when he went into the bar and did that, at the time it was kind of incendiary, deconstructing all the cowboys and stuff. Dude. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, what a cool role for Eddie Murphy to play. Trading spaces. Trading places. Trading places. Eddie Murphy makes no sense to me because at 19 –

To be who he was. Yeah. Take over SNL, kick ass in the movies at such a young age. But it's kind of common. To keep your head on. Woody Allen was supporting his parents at 16 writing jokes. Bob Dylan was really young. John Lennon, Paul McCartney. Sometimes people just have it at like 20, 21, and they're superstars. I did.

not. And Eddie was one of those. I really did not. Like I, I was the, me neither. I was a waiter till 24, but I was a damn good one. I was, I was the 35 year old going into people that owned houses going, how do you do this? Like I, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't own a house until I was like 39. Like I, I was really late to the game. Like I didn't get any success until man like worked and stuff, but I wasn't, I look, I look at like

When I look back and I look at people's careers and when they popped, I go, 32? What the fuck? How did you know how to take a meeting with adults? I take meetings now and they're all my age. You know, like I don't ever take meetings where I'm talking to someone older than me anymore. I mean, seldomly. So when you popped after that whole college thing, did you go in the clubs for years then? Oh, no, no. I didn't pop. Oh, you didn't? Oh, no, no, no. No, you still didn't. You had one big night. I had one good night that I decided that I go, I'm moving to New York.

I was like, I'm gonna move New York. And you got the bug. I got, I was... Was it AIDS? It was monkeypox. Monkeypox. AIDS adjacent. Oh, you got the showbiz bug. Oh yeah, showbiz. Yeah, yeah, showbiz bug. You got the showbiz bug. Got it. But I got...

I moved to New York and was like, I'll just make it here. I've already been in Rolling Stone. What are the odds? This kid's got it. I got the magic sauce where they discovered me here that it'll happen again there. He's trying to drink the Kool-Aid a little bit. If I could go back and – if I could have a podcast where I release conversations I had in a bar in 1997 in New York about who I was going to be, where I was going –

I mean, not even coked up. Coked up at times. Yeah. But just full of just, it's all heading your way. Like, you have to believe the hype. Oliver Stone, obviously, in the rights to my life. I was like, this is. Oliver Stone, unreal. And I was like, this is real. And then six months in, Will Smith discovers me. Six months in? I'm doing stand-up six months. Wow. I'm working the door of the Boston Comedy Club. Will Smith discovers me. Did he ever? No.

No. Lay hands on you? I thought you meant sex. No. No, no. I meant like a slap or something. I didn't know if there was a pattern there. Lay his wiener on you. No. Did you? What? Well, you just said. I said hands. My dad did think he wanted to have sex with me. I was doing a slap joke. His dad thought that. My dad thought Will wanted to have sex with me because when we met. Because you're a talentless mom. Your dad. My dad said. Will goes. Your dad said Will wants it. My dad said. I go to meet Will at the movie record studio or whatever. And he's doing Millennium.

And he goes, you're cool, man. We should go. We should hang out. And I was like, yeah. You know, thinking, yeah, well, call me. We'll hang out one day. And he goes, what are you doing tonight? I was like, nothing. He goes, let's go to the movies. And I was like, okay. So I get in the car. I call my dad. And he goes, how did it go? I go, good. We're going to the movies. And my dad's like, on a date?

I go, no, it's like, he goes, what do you mean? You're going to fucking movies with this guy. It's like an old school dad. Well, it is unusual. You're not going to talk. You're going to look at a screen and there's going to be popcorn shared. It's not a bad first date. Hands in the snacks. At Planet Hollywood. He goes, at Planet Hollywood. My dad goes, they have a movie theater there? I go, I don't know. Did he take a sip of a drink with a straw and then hand it to you? No. No? Okay. So my dad goes, oh, buddy, I think he wants to fuck you.

I was like, what? That's a first. That's jumping ahead. He goes, it's very. This is your daddy. My dad. He goes, it's very common in Hollywood. These guys. That's the thing. It's a Hollywood thing. He's not even gay. It's just a, yeah. They get so tired of pussy that the only thing that really excites them is the look on a boy's face when they turn them.

Good God. And so I'm like, holy shit. When is his book coming out? I go, what am I supposed to do? And he goes, look, you're my only son. I'm just keeping an eye out for you. I go, Dad, that's impossible. And he goes, what's more likely? The fact that you are so talented that in six months of doing stand-up, the biggest movie star in the world wants to do a sitcom with you or...

that he's tired of pussy and he wants to fuck you. And I was like, what do I wear? And he was like, something sloppy. Don't look good. You're like either way. I'm going, well, they used to make, well, what did you wear? I wore overalls with a sweater over not sexy, not sexy. And,

I think you ruined it right there. You have a hooter clamp, which is sort of a chastity belt for men. What's funny is... It's called a hooter clamp. What's a hooter clamp? It's a chastity belt for men. I'm making this up. It was a running gag with my friends in college. I like hooter clamp. You're wearing a hooter clamp. That's fair merch. Hooter clamp just sounds funny. Run with it. You got a special on it. I go to Planned Hollywood, and there's a 6'7 dude named Charlie Mack, and he's like, you Burt? I go, yeah, and he goes, downstairs. I'm like...

I gotta fuck this guy too. On the way down. So you get exhausted ahead of time. And there's 10 black dudes in this room waiting for me. And I'm doing the math. I'm like, this is fucking, I'm sure he's bringing Jazzy Jeff. That's 13 dudes I'm gonna fuck tonight. He shows up with Jazzy Jeff. I swear to God. I swear to God. We sit down and we watch a rock and pie at the training room. The heat is on. Nothing happened, right? At the end, I told him I was a hip hop fan. At the end, he's like,

What'd you think? I was like, it's a good movie. And he was like, no, about the room. I was like, I don't know. What do you mean? He's like, the people. I was like, they're black dudes? And he goes, no. You said you're a hip hop fan. That's Cool Mo D. That's Biz Markie. That's Big Daddy Kane. He brought all these hip hop guys for me to meet. To show off to you and you don't know anything. That's even nicer. And I just thought I was going to fuck. I was like, I could have fucked Biz Markie. So, yeah.

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I just texted my manager and he's going to try to book Will on your podcast. By the way, if he, like, I think he's in comedy time out right now. Like, no one's giving him a break. I would love to have him on my podcast. And my podcast is a lot bigger than the fucking Today Show. Yeah. Well, he might do because you do know him and he did think you were talented when people weren't clamoring for you because didn't that lead...

But by the way, when he was in college, they did an Oliver Stone option, that movie. And then it didn't pan out, but they did do Van Wilder. And then that was pretty much based on you, correct? We don't know. I don't know because I never, I wasn't in the production. It's weird. I had no problem talking, saying that until I made a movie.

Once you make a movie, you realize just how many people go into actually making a movie. Then it feels really cheap to be like, oh, yeah, they read my article, you know? But, yeah, that's the rumor was that the people that wrote the script when the option fell out with Oliver Stone, they just sold it to Van Wilder or to National Lampoon and they just changed some names and just made the movie. Which, I mean, I had nothing to do with the movie. I didn't write it. I didn't star in it. I never made any money from it. I mean, I, you know...

I've never even seen it. Right. But you're saying it's eerily similar. Yeah. All my friends' names are still in it. Just for a second, because you mentioned it, it's interesting that like, oh, my podcast is bigger than the Today Show. That this idea of television and podcasting is sort of,

It's something's going on. Well, if Will Smith does an interview on the Today Show, I mean, I'm not shitting on the Today Show. No, no, you could say morning television, basically. I'll say every late night talk show and every morning talk show. If he does an interview on there, it's going to be very crafted. It's going to be very sterile. Commercial breaks and all that. Yeah, maybe it'll get, I don't know, it'll probably get big numbers for them. But if he did my podcast or if he did an episode like you did and was a guest bearer on Two Bears, One Cave,

multiple, multiple, multiple million people will hear him be a little more honest and a little more clear with his words. I think it'll be a better look for him. And comedy fans are there. He can say whatever he wants. Say whatever he wants. And also, we'll also help him. If he says something fucking foul, we'll edit it out for him because that's how podcasts are. I'm so glad we started this podcast. Your podcast is huge. I mean, I don't know if

I mean, you guys are a little bit, and I mean this respectfully, but you guys are a little bit traditional media in that you guys are both movie stars so that you have publicists, you have agents and managers and some things that we kind of forego. Publicists for me don't really do anything because the first thing they say is, can you get on David Spade's podcast? Can you get on Joe Rogan's podcast? Then I go, well, just call them. I don't need you to do that. Could you tell we were a little more straight-laced when you were telling the Will Smith story and we were shitting our fucking pants? LAUGHTER

We were just thinking. No, you're good about that. You're good. I remember saying something shitty about Britney Spears. And you pulled it out of your show. And you whispered to me, we'll pull that out. Oh, about Britney, yeah. Because you were like...

I don't know, but I remember you saying, yeah, I don't like shitting on people because it doesn't, and I heard you say that. My whole thing was talking shit on podcasts. And then one day I was like, I'm going to go on Rogan and I'm not going to shit on anybody. I'm going to talk positive about everyone. The next day I had like 17 DMs of like, dude, I really appreciate what you said to me. And you're like, oh, that pays off so much better. And Brittany also has a fevered fan base that might, if they turn on you, you don't need that for just a flippant joke. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. So, yeah, but we, you know, we, uh, I like your part. I, I, I did two bears, Heather, right? I went over there, but I thought you were on. Yeah, I know. And, and, and, uh, that's how Tom gets. And who was that other guy?

Tommy Segura. Oh, yeah. No, he was nice. He's a local Austin comic. No, Tom was great. Tommy Segura. Tom flew in to do it. Yeah, Tom Segura. He came in to do it, which I thought was really super cool. Yeah. I was bummed you weren't there, but Tom and I had a blast. Yeah, it's a fun hang. The fans that listen to both our podcasts, Your Mom House, Birdcast, and Two Bears, are like,

comedy fans. So you can take big swings at shit and they'll forgive you if you fuck up. You can take really dry, you can take really weird comedy moves. Like you're going to Largo and doing a set. Like you're going to where you go, I'm gonna try stuff if you're sharp comedians.

or you're sharp fans, then you like these type of jokes. But is there a little bit of a sea change even with your audience of accepting more stuff because of the period of time of you can't say that, you can't say that, you can't say that, or even the same all the way through? You can say almost anything on a podcast. But can, like, could I do...

Indian accent, Chinese accent. Yeah. I mean, I think... I kind of feel like... Yeah, but... I don't need to. This sounds crazy, but like, I think there... No one's... I don't think there's woke, but I think there's like... If you were doing it in a mean way, I think people would be like, oh, that's not... That's the weird thing is that like...

I think comedy, when people go, oh, what's about cancer culture? I don't think it's changed at all. I don't think, it's like swimming in the ocean. If you focus on the sharks, you're not going to have a good time. But if you just go, hey man, it's the ocean. There aren't sharks in here, but I don't think I'm going to get attacked. And if I do, fuck it. If I do, fuck it. That's a t-shirt. If I do, I got to pull my legs up if I say something dicey. Yeah. But it's all you're in. I think comedy is your intent. It's intent. I agree with you. You ever see someone older do comedy? Like I remember a guy, I won't say his name.

but he was doing Asian accents on stage and he was not doing them kindly where you look at the Asian person in the room and you'd be like, that is kind of fucked up. They do. Yeah. So I think, and I think you could get away with a lot of stuff in comedy if people know your intents, right? And I think the same goes with our fans as we've said, I've said fucked up stuff. Definitely. I've definitely said fucked up stuff on two bears.

Stuff I regret, hardcore. But I think our fans also give you that swing zone where they go, I know the guy's a good guy. Yeah, they know you. And you guys got in early, I think, which was smart because you just build it up. And then they're actually just very hardcore fans of your stuff. Because when I went on Two Bears, then there's people that maybe haven't seen me in a while. You know what I mean? Just the cross-pollination of your right. There's Fallon. There's Allen.

I used to do Letterman a lot, Stern. But if you hit this, those are the same audiences all the time, and they're great. They're great for me. You guys are like martinis, right? So like, say I'm a beer, right? But I'm good for these guys every day. But when you guys show up, everyone's like, oh, fuck, I haven't had a martini in a little bit. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit, these are fucking awesome. Yeah. And I think that's what's cool about like you guys is, look,

Me and Tom's career has been made on the internet and made with these, with like podcasting and comedy and specials. You guys have things that like,

Obviously, Tom and I dream about, but like you have careers that and stories and things that are that like the average comedy fans like, oh, shit. Like, right. It's kind of going away. Like the normal young person. We live next to some tick tockers here and they make way more money than me. And they're great. But that.

world of being famous between the ages of 17 and 25 and they're doing different things those stories are more similar in that way but there's not that many going like who's a famous movie star timothy chalamet under 30 you know what i mean who is who has those stories of being on a tv show or a sitcom and a tv and movies and snl that that

is going away and it's more like I'm famous for this, which is totally acceptable now. You're on this, you're on this, YouTube, all that. It's just a different world. So we're in a world sort of going away and it's fun to mix them up, you know, because you have great stories. You're like Theo in the way that Theo Von where there's so many crazy fucking things that I hear that you do.

That like Theo, anything you say goes, oh yeah, you go, I'm going to order some ribs. Oh my, in fifth grade, this girl had ribs in her forehead, 12 ribs. No, for real. And she was pregnant. And you go, these are a million things that happened to you. And you, you're sort of like that where-

It seems like you have an endless amount of things that actually happen to you. And that keeps it going. That's hard. It's hard to be interesting. I feel like I've run out of all the interesting stuff I've ever done. Well, I was watching your, I guess it's from two days ago and you're trying not to drink this month. And, and then Tom was talking about ayahuasca and stuff. So it was very compelling. I mean, it went by very fast. You know, you guys have a great chemistry. I don't know if Dana knew this story, but, and you've probably told it, but,

our audience just hasn't heard probably some of it but uh when you um you i was at the comedy so that night that whole molly thing happened oh yeah and i didn't know you well and i don't go to the comedy store that much and it was like i remember because i've heard that story since i don't know if you told the whole thing but it was just that something happened and i was like oh that's so funny i think i was there you walked in i just happened to be in the green room i think with adam eaglet or someone and then you were like oh shit something weird just went down

Yeah. I don't know this story. I had to fly to start my tour. This is probably 2019, I guess. And my buddy Ari Shafir, great comic, was in town. And I was like, why don't we do a podcast? I go, it would be perfect. We'll have some sunset drinks in my backyard, have a cigar. I'm going to have dinner with my family. And then I'm going to bounce, get to the airport. I'll be fine. He's like, great. And he...

As we went into the, in my, I have a man cave built by the TV show Man Caves. So in my old house. And so he said that we should do a shot to celebrate for tonight. And I was like, okay. I mean, I don't need to do shots. I'm not like a huge shot guy, but I was like, all right, whatever. So we did a shot of scotch, which is an odd thing to shoot. And it tasted off. And so then we start doing a podcast and like an hour in, my face is just kind of warm.

I'm like, I feel fucking weird. And Ari is – like, obviously, I love Ari, you know, and we're still friends. But he's like, do you? Do you feel weird? And I was like, yeah, I do. And he was like, maybe you're on something. And I was like, I'm not. Trust me. I'm on blood pressure medicine. I don't take anything. And he was like, maybe you're on something. Maybe you're on Molly. Okay, I'm going to tell you something. You can't be mad. You got to promise not to be mad. And I was like – mind you, we're doing a podcast. And so I'm like, what – and he goes –

Roofed you I gave you Molly you're on Molly right now, and I'm like why was I didn't release the podcast because I number one I didn't want become a meme because the look on my face when I realized I'm a Molly is pretty very very real other than the fact that it's a tab it dappled from the Tree it's it's pretty real and it's not cool, and I'm not happy and my cousin comes over and

and I'm on Molly and I called Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz, I just called him. And the podcast kind of falls apart. We're still recording everything. Right. But I'm freaking out. Sure. I'm like, dude, I'm on blood pressure. It's making me nervous to feel like you're on drugs and you don't know it and then how

and how weird you would feel. - And I was like, I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol, like what the fuck? Did you consult my cardiologist? Like, I'm not supposed to do, what if I have a stroke? And he was like, well, you have a stroke, I don't know what to tell you. - Sounds like a really good friend. It's good TV. - That's where it's problematic is that he is a good guy, but there's a broken part to Ari where he also finds this very entertaining. Maybe not now.

But at the time. Right. And you guys all push it with different things you do and one goes too far, but it's more like, it could be really funny. Is that an ecstasy or is it? It's ecstasy. Okay. And so I called Joey Diaz. Doesn't sound like the actual ecstasy of happiness. Molly. Oddly enough, this is the panic moment.

Sure. I've gotten like that in drugs. Yeah, and I'm just like, I don't, and I remember, you know the feeling of going, I don't want to be on this. Yeah. But there's no getting out of this. It's almost like a claustrophobia. It's scary because you're stuck for hours. Yeah, I go four hours. It's going to last four hours. And I have to be on a plane in three and a half. And so I'm like, I call Joey Diaz, Joey Diaz. God bless Joey Diaz. I said, Ari just slipped me Molly. And I didn't even finish my sentence. He was like, dog, I'll be there at 15.

He comes over in five minutes. We live next to each other. He's in the backyard, and he just calmed me down. He took Molly also, I think, and was like, dog, we're all going to be gone. If we die, we die. And I was like, that kind of made me comfortable. We don't do the podcast. We don't finish the podcast. We just leave. He leaves. We pull my wife into the bathroom.

And my cousin's with me. My cousin was my tour manager at the time. I was like, listen, I'm going to tell you something. I need to not take care of you right now. I need you to not lose your shit. But I've got to pack for a flight. I don't want to see the girls. I've been slipped Molly by Ari, and I'm blowing up right now. Like I'm losing my fucking mind.

And man, she fucking livid. I could see it in her eyes. And she's trying not to probably because she doesn't want to flip you out. Yeah. And she's like, where is he? And I was like, he's gone. He's gone. She goes, okay. Okay. She goes, uh, don't worry about clothes. Grab your backpack.

Go to the comedy store. Go have a drink. Go to the comedy store and then go to the airport. Don't go to the airport now. And then she was like very specific about like, go find a bar, go relax somewhere, have fun, whatever. Let the drug try to wear off and then get yourself to the airport. But don't show up at the airport on drugs. Show up to the airport as, as, as, as close to the getting, getting out of your system as possible. So I got my cousin and I went straight to the,

So I did see you. I was thinking, maybe I'm thinking I'm lying. We went to the comedy store and I walked into the back, it was the back bar. Yeah. And you were there with Whitney Cummings. Okay. And, uh, and Adam and, and they're like, Hey, how you doing? And I was like, not good.

And you're like, what's going on? And I was like, I just got slipped Molly. And then I literally already walked in and he goes, it's feeling good, huh? And by the way, it was amazing. It was like, I was, I was going to ask, what are you feeling? It felt, it felt just euphoric. Like you wanted to touch people. You wanted to be touched. You just, I felt you for not really mad. You're, you're stuck in it now. Now you're, I realized this is the moment I realized how strong it was.

Was I as I packed my backpack? I realized I had left my iPad on my last flight and Instead of being angry. I thought I bet that person needed an iPad and I was like, that's a weird fucking phone I was like, I just gifted someone an iPad. Yeah, let's go to the store. So I just kept drinking I got on a plane I was

It was not wearing off. It lasted way longer than I wanted it to. And you had to get on this plane, obviously. I had to, yeah. This is, yeah. And so I got on the plane. How's your sense of your auto? I mean, how are you walking and how are you? I'm walking fine. You're very dialed in. Okay. You're very dialed in. You're not stumbling. It's supposed to be fun. It's a lot of fun. I mean, Molly delivers. Like, there's a few drugs that go, hey, man, I promise you I'll be what you want me to be.

Well, as you know, psychedelics have become a big part of kind of mental health and people are toward the end of their life, and it's this reset. So we'll get to that later if it had lasting effects. But what happened next? I get on the plane, very chatty, very talkative. Almost feminine. I remember I was rubbing the dude's hand next to me. I just had my hand on his hand, and he was like, and I was like, hey, listen, I got to tell you a secret.

I got slipped from Ali this afternoon. Hey, total stranger. I'm going to use that next time I'm at the airport. I got slipped from Ali. Can I get my seat? Oh, the guy was a fan. The guy was a fan. He knew who I was. And I told him and I said, you're going to hear about this on a podcast. I'm sure we're doing Rogan next week. I'm sure that'll come up. But just know you were sitting next to me when this happened. I'll be dry humping your leg for the next. Shut the fuck up. And then... And then...

It's that great line from stripes is it stripes and then depression sank in and I woke up the next day totally depleted of dopamine totally panic riddled totally like depressed what the fuck just happened is it I fuck up my career because I wasn't cool about it is this like like and Whitney Cummings called me immediately and I was like what do I do with this podcast when he comes like you do not release his podcast that is

You control your dialogue with your fans, and you do not need them to mock you because you weren't like the cool guy getting to Slick Molly like, that's what's up. And so she goes, you don't want to become Crying Jordan.

And so- Crying Jordan. Whitney is the first person I talked to. I talked to her a bunch that week. I got a few IVs. I got an IV and then Molly kicked back in. Really? Yeah, and all of a sudden I was like- Really? That's great. And I was about to go on stage. I had to do two shows. And I was like, oh, what's up, St. Louis? So Molly was just laying in it. And you're still a little bit flying. Oh, wow. Yeah, and so whatever was in the IV, it just booted it back and I was shaky. And I got on stage. I had to do two shows.

And then Ari and I didn't – and then we did Rogan. It's interesting because everyone's take, like Tom and Joe's take personally was very honest and like that was really fucked up, man. Like that's – like dude, we love – like this and that. And then we did the podcast. Tom and Joe were like, dude, how cool, you know, whatever. Clowning on you. They were making fun of me because I didn't love it. But I think they also came out – I don't know. Whatever. You say what you say on a podcast, you get laughs. And so –

And so Ari and I didn't talk for like a whole month. We had to do Sober October then. That was the last Sober October I did until this one because it destroyed Sober October. Like no one chatted on the chat thread. No one kept in touch with each other. No one spoke. It really kind of drove a division between all of us. And then at the end of the month, Ari was like, called me. I was in Connecticut and he was like,

I really fucked up, didn't I? And he had called a number of times. I wouldn't answer his call. I was like, yeah, you did. I was like, you know my thing. You know, like we all got our mantra that fucks with our heads for whatever thing. And mine is, you think I'm weak because I'm a nice guy.

You think you can step all over me. Guilty. Yeah. Yeah, me too. Yeah, but a nice guy is usually a nice guy until he's not a nice guy. So you don't ever want to see the other guy. That's bad, yeah. Yeah, and I told him, I said, you know that's how I feel. You know that that's the thing that fucks with me. I've talked to him so ad nauseum about how I feel about X person stealing a joke or taking advantage of me. I go, and you did the thing that makes me, you did it publicly publicly.

And he was like, oh, I don't think I saw it that way. And so I fucked up. And my wife still, my daughters hate him. My daughters hate him. We'll never, like I was texting with him one time. I just texted me and I texted back. My daughter Georgia saw it. She grabbed my phone. She goes, no. It's like a bad breakup. He's like, you're not still talking to him. She goes, she goes, dad.

imagine how you would feel if you saw me replying to a dude who had drugged me. Whoa. That's a pretty mature young woman. How old was she at the time? 16, 15. Is this guy going around? I don't know him, but is he still slipping mollies to people? Okay, yes. He travels around and goes to different states. He's a good guy. It's crazy that I say that and people, like he's gotten in a lot of trouble for being who he is, but who he is is this

I mean, you know him. He's not a bad guy. No, I'm saying that. It's always a bad sign when you have to say that. You're someone trying to do a bit or do a joke. It went too far and he probably learned like, holy shit. We went to a bachelor party. We went to Mark Norman's bachelor party together. I'm still friends with him. I'm very good friends with him.

And we went to the bachelor party and he pulled me aside before the bachelor party started and he goes, I just need to know. I need you to know. I would never slip anything in your drink again. I need you to know that you can be comfortable around me. And I was like, I got you, buddy. I was like, please don't slip something in my drink. Because that's part of me goes, well, that's the funniest joke. He does it again. And he's like, is it still not cool? Bert, do you think a little bit of his rationale was like, Bert,

Bert's going to have a good time on this. He's going to have a great story with this. This is going to be a cool experience for him. Maybe. Yeah, I think people see me drinking on a plane and then they go, God, this guy parties. And they don't realize that drinking on a plane is attached to something a little different. And so I think people think

Yeah, you're not partying. You're just trying to survive the flight and not have a heart attack. And I think people assume a lot about me not knowing me. They think I'm drunk every time I'm on stage. I never drink on stage. I never drink on stage. I mean, I have, obviously, but if I do a show, I'm sober. Well, I just look at your Wikipedia. I look at the three specials in five years. I look at you did a tour last year, like a stadium tour. I mean, the workload is so extreme that it would crowd out drinking time.

I still drink. Oh, really? How many a day? I did. I created a drive-in comedy tour through UTA. We set up a whole drive-in tour during the pandemic. And then I did a baseball stadium tour called Fully Loaded. Was that with Nikki Glaser on that? Nikki Glaser, Big J, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman. So you're saying like 60,000? We did. That's a big one. 40,000? I think...

most venues were about 10,000. And so we did some arenas. We did minor league baseball stadiums. Oh, okay. And then I have my tour. And depending on when this comes out, I have a bunch of things to announce. But I'm a workaholic.

In the sense that I just see if you're awake, you should be working. Right. You know, I just always want to do stuff. I like making stuff. Well, let me ask you a question because I like specifics. So, because we always talk about heavy drinking, whatever. So say it's- I love specifics. You're like a normal day. You're functional. You're doing your thing, but it's kind of a day off. Or maybe you're going to do an open mic to get workout material. Just take me through that day of your consumption. Where you're still burnt, you're functional, but what can you put-

Well, how much can you do and still be functional in a day? So there's space amount. There's two different births. If there's bird on the road. Right. I never drink. Like if, so today, if we, if I came here and you were like, and you had drinks lined up and I was, it wasn't so rocked over, I would buy it. I would a hundred percent drink with you in a second. And I would drink for. We got to have you back on. I drink hard and I would have fun and I'd go, I'd be like, I'd hope we do like three hours. I'd be like into it.

And then I'd go and do my day. But I wouldn't have driven here. I would take an Uber here. I'm pretty responsible about that. But usually, if I'm in LA, I won't drink. Usually with a family and everything. Yeah, I won't drink at all until like... If I'm not doing sets, I'll open a bottle of wine around sunset with my wife. Or...

Or like if I'm at the store, I won't drink until my OR set. So you're very controlled. Yeah. I would think if someone said you were drunk on stage, I would guess that's possible because the thing about growing up and when you got famous from all these stories and these shows you did, and it was like sort of a jackass show you did. Hurt Bert. Hurt Bert. And that it's like those guys where,

You obviously are bringing standup to it and you've spun it into a whole, a whole thing, but in a very successful career. But just that past people, when I see it on other people that party, they want to party with you or they want to buy you drinks or they want you. And it gets to be kind of a hassle on stage. I'll be sent drinks. I'm getting sent drinks on stage or when I'm out or when I'm dinner, uh,

And that gets to be hard because if it turns into your rap, you're like, well, it's not my one move. There's more going on here. It's definitely the – I definitely – when I was doing clubs when I was younger, I had no problem drinking on stage. If they sent shots, I'd do them. But I also can handle my booze well enough that I never got fucked up on stage. I just do a shot, have a beer with me and be like, yeah, that's fine. And I – but when I started –

When I really started focusing on specials, like when I did The Machine, that's when I realized it's not just I have an hour.

Yeah. It's, it's like, I have an hour that I'm going to craft into a good hour that has peaks and valleys and, and arcs and, and there's saplings I plant at the beginning that I can harvest later. And like, it's, it's a real art form. And I wasn't until I did the machine that I was like, oh, I, yeah, there's, I can't drink on stage. I'm working on something. And so, and then from that point on, and then I started doing theaters. And once you do theaters. It's a whole different ballgame. It's like, yeah. And it's scary. I'm on the theater tour now and I, uh,

Dana obviously is a very well-known comedian, does these big gigs. When I do these theaters. - He's selling out. - In the last year, 'cause I just always do clubs and I would do a movie and I go, "Oh, is Irvine Improv? "Can they give me a couple days early in the week "without a lot of notice?" And you go do it and it's fun.

And you could have a drink or you could goof around on stage and get fucked up. And you're still, it's like a fun party atmosphere. It's three, 400 people. But when you do bigger theaters, it's, it's like work. It's like a job. And you really, people don't know. It's so hard to focus and get a tight hour that is kind of,

airtight because you have a pause, you get, you drift off, people yell or they're paying a lot more. They're very attentive. It's a bigger deal. And then you owe them more. Of course you want to be good. It doesn't mean you're always going to kill, but you're at least you got to go in. If you have any work ethic going, I have the club is all drinking. They're all, they all have drinks. The club is about selling booze. Yeah. I mean, ultimately I remember a telltale me when I was very young, uh,

he goes you can't promise that we're talking about a certain club because you can't promise that guy's gonna first of all he's not gonna watch your second of all his sense of humor is horrible and he goes how many drinks did you sell i was like i don't know and he goes well

I can promise you he checked at the end of the week. Oh, yeah. I mean, they'll book you back because they go, he sells drinks. That's how I got it. That's how I started touring. What I would do is I would bring beers on stage. I'd drink one, maybe two, do some shots if I needed to. But after the show, I'd tell everyone on my late show, stick around. I'm going to be at the bar drinking. Don't leave. Let's hang out. And I remember Tony Baldino was like, hey, man, you just made me $13,000. I was like, what?

He was like, I'll bring you back definitely if you keep doing this. So I would set up bar games. I would set up bar games and be like, we're going to gamble after this. Everyone out there, it's a $20 buy-in, $5 rebuys. We're going to see if we can throw a ball from across the bar into a hoop. First one gets the pot. And so dudes would be like, fuck, we'll stay. And they order a drink just while they're waiting and watching. Instead of going somewhere else to go have another drink, they go, let's just stay here and watch what's going on. Yeah, and so I used to do that a lot. And then I started doing –

these call us sick to work shows where I'd tell them. I love it. I'd tell the club because I was like, hey, open up at 10 a.m. It's like it's St. Paddy's Day. Open up at 10 a.m. I'll go do radio. And as soon as radio is over, I'm coming over to the club. We'll tell everyone to call us sick to work. And we'll just do a show at like 1130. And those would sell out in minutes. I mean, I'd call in ahead of time and be like,

to Tampa or Philly and be like do you tell the radio stations how you do it I call it there's all my friends like Preston and Steve in Philly or Elliot in the morning or Cowhead I'd be like yo I'd call in two weeks ahead of time and be like Monday on the 16th I'm doing a call and stick to work show and a

Immediately that would sell out and then and then I would hold true and do radio I drink on radio and like party on radio and then me and the radio station we'd give it we'd hold like 20 tickets for a boss who wanted to just That was really fun Boston be like hey, I'm shutting down shop. You got tickets for me. I'm like, yeah So they'd all come in it was fucking awesome. You

You can only make five grand. That was the nut. It just seems like you have a really good business acumen. That's good, though. That's kind of brilliant, the fuck-off day. I was such a mediocre talent for the majority of my career that I didn't mind taking chances because I was already failing anyway. So when we did the drive-in movie theaters, I got awards for that.

but it was like my special came out march 17th stay at home order started on the 13th i was like ah i was like well it's not that bad for business for me like because everyone was home to watch my attention so the special blew up and i was like i'm gonna support this no but the hard part is they all like it i had wrong missy come out during and then you go i haven't loved it i couldn't even celebrate when we were number one in the world i go

I'm celebrating at my house eating Cheez-Its because I can't leave. I can't go anywhere. Yeah. So I, but hold on, but didn't hold on. Cause I had the same feeling. Yeah. Cause wrong. Missy came out right. I think after my special, it was me. And I remember my special came out and I remember seeing my, my, there's like that heart button on Instagram. Yeah. And it's like all the people that mentioned you in the story. And it was just one line. You couldn't even see the marks. And I was like, holy shit. Yeah. And I was like, it was blown up. So I called my agent. I was like,

hey man I got a tour and he's like there's no touring and I was like what about drive-in movie theaters he goes it's not a thing I said no there are out there I've googled them they're out there oh that's because you had to capitalize on that I said I got a tour I got people that are watching my special I've got to lock these fans in to let them know I'm a good comic and that they gotta come see me live so we found an EDM promoter Hotbox and we brought them in and they said we've done shows we've done like

EDM shows during the pandemic we could do comedy and just put you on a stage in front of the big screen they come out in their cars and it was like it was fucking epic I mean they'd come out four hours early and be grilling out tailgating it was the coolest thing probably the coolest thing I've ever done

in my career, like at that time, because it was like during the pandemic. But I remember watching Wrong Missy during the pandemic. Fucking, it's like when you get good entertainment during the pandemic, that's like a treat. It's just a funny movie. Oh, it's a treat. Yeah, just a hard R. Laura Lapkus, I still, I'm a fan of her. I follow her on Instagram. I've never talked to her, never met her, but I still, she fucking killed me in that fucking movie. And it just seemingly out of nowhere. People knew me and I was sort of the straight man again. And when I read it,

actually Sandler said to me, he goes, "I think you'll like this one." And I go, "I like that Ben Stiller part, like Jason Bateman, where you're just, the shit's going on around you and you get to react." And Lauren Lafkis, it's like the girl has to be good. And so it winds up being Lauren. - She was great. - And she was known around here. - Awesome. - But when she goes in there and just hits you from out of the blue and everything she's saying, and she's so dirty and hilarious and clever. And we were about halfway done filming. I'm like, "You know, you're filming out of sequence." But I go, "I think it's pretty funny."

maybe I'm crazy, but we still have this scene, a threesome scene and the cliff. I go, I think this could be good. And you have no idea, obviously. And then when it comes on and it starts doing well, that was the hugest. And it was too huge and we were stuck.

Oh, I loved it. That's when you'd want it. I mean, you got to realize. Well, that's why it's doing so well. And then. That's why it did so well because it was word of mouth. But you can't go shoot another movie because you can't, you're not allowed to shoot a movie. Well, I had a TV series of The Cabin that came out. Yeah. During the pandemic. And it was the highest rated non-scripted series on Netflix. Cabin related show. And yeah, cabin related show. It sounds fun. It was you going. And I was like, yeah. And everyone, Netflix called. They're like, congratulations on having a hit.

I remember someone's like, we should just celebrate our success right now. And I was like, yeah. And then they didn't, you're like, they're like, well, yeah, we'd love to do it more, but we're in pandemic. Can't do anything. Can't do anything. And for two years. Then it loses some heat. Is it going to come back then? I'd love for it to, I would, at the time that we did it, I was so nobody that I couldn't get anyone famous on the show. So it was just comics. It was just all my friends, Whitney, Bobby, like Donnell, uh,

Tommy, Joey, I just got comics on and it was like, I was obviously, it's guys who are good at podcasting. So we didn't have any script, we just improv'd everything. - And they're funny, so there's something funny that's gonna happen. - I think we had a soft commit from you to me,

Sandler and Norm because Adam Eget was working on it with us and he was like I might be able to get and he was like what would you do with them and I was like oh you're being fucking serious I was like well the problem is I would have just sat with you guys and be like can you guys walk me through all my favorite scenes so it would have been nothing by the way Spade go fight that bear we got two cameras on you

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And hasta luego. So it goes out of your head. So now you have Rosetta Stone, David, tell them about it. Well, Dana, you know, more than anyone trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages. Uh, I mean, my gosh, they have Spanish, French, Italian, German. I don't think you can throw them a curve ball. I think they're going to know what don't they have the language you want. Yeah.

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Or choose mobile service where a technician will come to you and do routine maintenance right on the spot. Both are complimentary and depend on your location. That's ownership built around you. Contact your participating dealer or visit FordService.com for important details and limitations. I remember doing parking lot shows. I did probably...

Five parking lot shows. Hey, where are my Land Cruisers at? Yeah, I was good. I'm like, this Geo Prism knows what I'm talking about. Remember at the Magic Castle they were making noise? Did you ever do that one? No, I never did those. They had like fans that made noise and they go out the windows because they weren't allowed to get out of their cars there. So instead of flicking their lights they did for a while, then it was just...

But there was a little noise. So you go, that one killed. Yeah. You could get some sense, but. I let them, we only did states where they could get out of their cars, like red states. Oh, that's funny. So we did the middle of the country. So they would, I mean, they get out of their cars, they set up couches. Yeah, it's like a football game. It was like a football game. We did one, we did like 3,000 cars in Philly and they weren't allowed out of their cars and it was tough. I did states where they weren't allowed to laugh.

And it really sort of defeated. Oh, shit. I did Mississippi. Oh, I have one. I have another question. I know it's getting late, but I have a question. You're used to doing 12 hour podcast. Yeah, I could talk to you guys forever. I'm enjoying this. You do this because Dana did a special on Netflix and mine was out about not that long ago. I was curious about your choice of shoes.

Fuck off. In my special? You wore Asics. I got a bad neck, so I really am whittled down into what, it's not what kind of shoes, it's what type of Skechers I'll be wearing. Can I tell you, it made me- You like Asics? No, I love Asics. That's all I run in. But it was so interesting because I'm so hyper aware, despite the fact that I wear nothing on stage, I'm so hyper aware about jeans and shoes that I always look at what shoes people wear.

- Yeah, 'cause I got a bad neck and they're kind of comfy for me and I try to look decent, but it is- - You look great. They're good Asics. Asics are sharp shoes. - It's two hours, you know? And I'm doing probably an hour 15 each show and we're gonna trim it to about an hour. So I know it's a long night. I don't wanna feel shitty. - It's a great special. - It's my best. You wanna feel your best. But my problem was, which I was gonna ask you first, is when you do yours that comes out March, you said?

And there's a pandemic. And when you back out for your tour, you're just talking about, do you change your hour? Is it half the same or is it all new? Or what is your theory on that? So I give myself, I should say I write really quick in that almost any one of my bits are like nine minutes long. Yeah, that's kind of good. If I have a bit,

I can have two new bits and have half a new hour. So what I do is, so I'm filming my special November 16th and 17th, or 17th and 18th in Omaha. I will then, I'm not the kind of guy that goes, like Tom or Joe, they go, I'm taking two months off.

I'm done. I'm not that guy. I go, get me on the road the next fucking week because I can use this hour that I currently have to fuck around and come up with my new hour. Yeah. Because no one's seen, I can still do some markets that no one's seen it. So I can go, so I've booked out. Until the day it airs, you're like, I got a time. The day it airs, it's dead. That's a hard part because I keep some, but I whittled out. I probably the next day took out

half, 30 minutes. But it was too hard because it came out two months later. It wasn't like we're going to sit on it for a while. I go, it's got to come out sooner. Some of the jokes, they get stale. You just want them out. Comedy doesn't sit well on the shelf. So I'm willing, it's almost all gone now. There's a couple. But no one said anything. It's kind of an unwritten rule.

And some people it bothers and some people doesn't like some people want, when I see Sebastian, I'm like with my friends going, well, I hope he does an Uber joke. Yeah. Hope he doesn't think about the wedding and, uh, or the homeless, whatever. And then if they don't, you're kind of disappointed too. Well, I saw Sebastian at the forum. He was kind enough to give me and my, like all my friends tickets. Yeah. He's a nice dude. And, uh,

And it's crazy because I personally want to see what he's working on, but I'm there with my friends and my wife, and I don't want my wife to not respect how great Sebastian is. So part of me is like, I hope he does the fucking coffee bit or the company bit. And he does. And Sebastian's really smart about it, but I think when you're... Look, I don't know. There's no answer because I was told to retire the machine story, and I've now been telling that onstage...

like seven years since it went viral and and so yeah and and when I say when I start it the pop is so big that there's not there's not anyone really in comedy that if as a comic that would sit offstage and not go yeah they're tired of hearing it I mean it's when I say I was 22 years old I got involved with the Russian Mafia I did it in Pittsburgh the other day in Pittsburgh I did PPG paints arena just

12,000 people. 12,000 people. Yeah. Wow. And I started the machine story and they gave me a standing ovation. And so I'm like, well, I don't think I'm ready to retire. Well, it's like a hit song. It's like, don't stop believing my journey. I do the ones that I really like that I think have sustaining power and some I hate to give up because you know how hard it is. It's so valuable to have a bit that works. The murder. And if you get one tight and you've done it and you've got all the...

And you got to take it out, but you can't really, I just say to the audience, if I miss anything, what do you want? You know, and they start yelling out stuff. Well, that's kind of, that's also, I would love to be in that. I think I would love to do a tour. I was thinking about doing a tour where I put,

uh, all my bit, like put my state cities on sale and then put all my old bits for like 30 minutes worth of old bits. And then go, cause Wilco did that like audience vote. Yeah. And go pick what songs you want to hear. We'll go to that. And it was fucking cool as chicks. I'm like, Oh, I wouldn't mind. I, now that I know the set list for Minneapolis, I'll fly to Minneapolis to hear that set.

And so I, cause I have like, I have this flying dildo story that I have fighting a bear. I have like all these huge stories that I, that were just a staple of my act. And then I have other ones like, uh, of my daughters that people go tell the period party story. And I don't, because I'm working on the new hour, I would love, I don't, I have no problem playing to the audience. If they would love to hear stories, if I go do an arena tour, like I'm doing an arena tour this 2023, um,

But it's going to be all new material because I have to get ready for another fucking special. Yeah, it's hard. Is this your first time just pure arenas? I'm doing half arenas, half theaters right now. But you're at Peak Burt, right? You're as hot as you've ever been. Or selling more tickets. Peak Burt. Tim Dillon. Let me tell you something. I woke up and told him, I was telling him, I wake up sometimes with anxiety. He goes, why? Why?

Why? It doesn't get better than right now for you. No one told you you have to stop drinking yet. You get to party. Your kids are still young. You're making more money than you've ever made. In a couple years, it's going to get really bad. But right now, it's peak Burt. Oh, he said peak Burt. And so I was like, yeah, what the fuck am I stressed about? So Europe, Australia, Australia.

And then just arenas. This will come out right after that tour. Where's your podcast? In foreign countries, where is it really? Oh, yeah. Do you know foreign? Canada? You go to Australia and they'll sell out 12,000 there too? Oh, for real? All from the podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I sold all tickets in Australia. I can't believe it. It's the funniest guy I've ever seen. This bloke right here. Give him a point. It's like a King's Punch when he gets on stage. King's Punch tour. So Australia, Canada was the first place I was like- What's that about? I was like, what the fuck, man? What's happening? I'm huge in Canada. I'd go to Edmonton and sell out-

nine shows, 10 shows, and then sell two bags of merch. And I was like, what the fuck? Canada was really big in podcasting. So was Ohio. Canada and Ohio. Those were the places. You could sell tickets in Ohio, Canada, Portland. All of a sudden, these places started popping up and then...

someone was like my agent was like do you want to do australia it's like i'd love to put tickets on sale in australia sold out immediately and i was like what did australia and they were like i didn't change one bit of my act yeah at all and then and they were like you get done they're like

Tell Joey Diaz to come down here. Tell Tommy to come down here. And you're like, oh, they're podcast fans. Then I remember going to England with my family, and I did one small show in like a comedy club, 150-seater, put it on sale, and it sold out in like five minutes. And I went, that's fucking bizarre. And then I did a European tour, and that sold out. So like Europe is really big, like the Oslo –

Switzerland, like all that. Scandinavia is huge. Germany is huge. Portugal, Greece, all of England. Ireland's the fucking shit. I can do parts of Bulgaria. It's not half bad, man. Ireland is the best stand-up comedy town ever. Fucking ever. Dana's Irish. They are. They appreciate it so much.

Plus you come over there and if they like you, but the podcasting is good to listen to because they might not get something. They might not hear, but it's probably pretty easy to dial into a podcast. Podcast. They know you by the time they see you in every fucking aspect. They know everything. I mean, they know my, you know, my daughter went to college and like kids knock on her door.

And by the way, if you're a kid listening to this, please don't. But they knock on the door every night and they're like, I want to party with you. My daughter's like, what the fuck? I'm not a blubbering idiot. That's my dad.

But you feel like intimately, like my wife gets recognized, like crazy because I talk about her so much in my stand-up and on my podcast and she has a podcast. It really is, podcasting is so intimate. Yeah. I say this because I was a podcast fan. Because you say so many things about yourself. Yeah, but I was a fan of podcasting first. So I remember hearing podcasting going like,

Holy shit. This is like it was magic. It was mad listening There's two people talking another room like you people you like and you're going I'm just sort of standing no pre-interview. There's no plan People fuck up and they say weird things and all sudden you I remember yeah, I remember hearing people fuck I remember hearing Zach Galifianakis made me laugh I was I'm a big so I'm always in hotels or in a tour bus bunk I listen to podcasts when I sleep I'm throwing a podcast and then I feel like my friends are in the next room and then I go oh

So I just – it makes me feel like not alone. I don't know. Whatever. So I remember listening to Zach Galifianakis on Nerdist. This is – I don't know how many years ago this was. Nerdist. And he said – they said, do you – he was like, do you do drugs still? And he goes, yeah, I just did mushrooms and went to the Getty with my cousin. And he goes, you know how like you'll misread things? And he goes – it said –

please don't touch the statues. But I thought it said, please touch the statues. And he was like, and I was like, oh yeah. Like, he's like, oh, mushrooms. He's like, yeah, these are, it'd be good to stroke them. He's like, oh, we're out stroking. I remember waking up laughing hysterically going, it's just Zach's delivery the way he says it. Yeah, he's right. But yeah, I'm a huge podcast fan. So I kind of like, like,

I get excited. Like when you guys started your podcast, I got really excited. Cause I was like, Oh fuck. Yeah. These are, this is what I'm looking for. Something else to like,

I listen to health podcasts, history podcasts, comedy podcasts I love. Tim Dillon is the best podcaster person on the planet right now. Without a doubt, he is so money. I agree. He's got so much. He's just got something. Great voice, funny attitude, just takes on a lot of things. Yeah, he gets to the essence, and then he just grinds it, you know, and brilliant at just riffing. My favorite, my favorite.

And this is what was really cool when podcasting started. My favorite thing in the world is to tell you a great Norm Macdonald story that maybe you weren't there for, but because you know him, it's even that better for that richer for you. It's fun, yeah. I remember Norm and Joe hanging out.

and just watching this. It's one of the funniest things ever. I would never say it on air because I don't know how it would be perceived and norms past. But the gossip of stand-up, the inside stories of stand-up, and that's what podcasting was when we started was like,

gossip and it was so fucking good I mean you would you would get you would get the juke like did I ever tell you the story about the dot dot dot and I remember being on the edge of my seat listening to podcasts going I

"No." Like people would go on Rogan and just, no one thought we were listening. Like they were just talking. - Right, that was the interesting, 'cause you get in there. When I used to do Stern, it was sort of like that where you're in a room like this and he's, and you're also trying to impress him a little bit and he's digging and he pushes in there and then you walk out of there and my phone starts buzzing going, "What the fuck did you just say?" And I'm like, "What?" And then people are like, "Hey, you didn't tell that story about me, did you?" I go, "I don't know." And then, but,

You do it and it has tentacles. It gets to people and they go, oh, you got to hear when he goes on here or when he goes. Stern was like my sort of podcast because I got to go on there once a year and then tell stuff and then podcasting got bigger. But I thought you, Joe, Theo, like there's a lot of guys got into it early and it just, it really paid off. It's the...

I mean, I don't know. I always liked, like, I loved Stern. I loved Stern. I know, I loved Opie and Anthony also. I loved, but I loved when someone would walk in the room and you didn't know who it was and you'd be like, oh, look who just walked in and I'd be sitting in my car like, what? That is fun. Yeah, those, but I loved that and so I, I like,

Like with the beginning of this podcast, it just starts with us sitting down and talking. I love that shit. On a podcast, I'm like, Joe used to have a phone in his place that would ring out of nowhere. And he'd be doing a podcast when he did it out of his house and his phone would ring. And he'd go, I don't even fucking know. That number's dead. I don't know who it is anyway. I used to get a kick out of that. I remember going to his house. I was like, yeah, what is that phone number? Because I was like, I'll start calling when I know he's doing podcasts. Like it was just, I don't know. Those were the, it was fun. But then at the same time, you know, look, there's,

You know, you look at like people, they come through all the shit they've ever said on a podcast. And I look at it and I go, I've been, I did a podcast with Joe one time. There's like five and a half hours and I got home and they had to take it down. And I was like, what did I say? And he's like, don't worry. It's taken out. We're good. And I was like, and then you start your land in bed. I was like, did I say that COVID was created by the

government like like and you're like you just talk shit five not realizing because you're like at dinner you're just laughing yeah it's the funnest trying to crack each other up and then but then you get like uh like do you remember my interview with uh that i did with sandler i saw some of it it was yeah during the pandemic right fucking bad yes and you got a tape measure with your wife but that's yes yeah that's the that's the

Why was it bad? Okay, so this is the thing that I think is the thing about podcasting, right? So they're doing comedy gives back and they're like, hey, can you do...

- Interviews, we're gonna do interviews. It was like maybe three days of one of these things, Zooms. So Whitney hits me up, she's like, "Hey, I've gotta interview Sandler "and I know you're a fan of his. "Do you wanna be here for that interview?" And I was like, "Fuck yes." Now everyone's supposed to be socially distant. There's so many rules, everyone's made stickers about it. So she's like, "I'll have a tape measure, "we'll stay six feet apart and it'll be fun."

And I fucked that interview up so bad. Like, I didn't realize I fucked it up, which is what made it beautiful to other comics. Because I got out of the interview. I got in my car. Thinking you scored. I hit a home run. First person that called was Mike Gibbons. And he goes, fucking Sandler, dude. Epic. And I was like, thank you. And he goes, dude, I am crying. We're sitting around crying, laughing, watching it. And I go, I didn't think it was that funny. I thought it was just informative. He goes, funny? You asked the guy if he had Netflix. Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, he didn't answer. Do you think he does? He goes, Bert, he's got a $230 million deal on Netflix. He definitely has fucking Netflix. He goes, you didn't even let him talk. And then my phone rings on the other side and it's Big Jay Oakerson. And he goes, I go, hang on, Mike. And Big Jay's like, dude, fucking Sandler. That was out of, this is, just so you know, we're about to trash you for the next 20 minutes on this Zoom. And I was like, wait, was it bad? He goes,

"You called his movie Precious Gems." I go, "Is that not the name of it?" And he goes, "You said his other movie was Happy Madison." And I go, "Is it not Happy Madison?" He goes, "It's the name of his production company." They're like, "Dude, you didn't let the guy speak. "You have the biggest movie star in comedy on TV "and you told him stories about times you almost met him." And so, but like, if you can have a sense of humor about yourself, that's what podcasting is. Like if I did it on Today Show,

People would be like, he ruined a great interview. Listen, first of all, Sandler wouldn't care. And second of all. Well, you texted. So I was terrified. Oh, is that what happened? You voice texted me.

And you're like, the Sandler interview, huh? And you're like, don't worry. I think you said something to the effect of, don't worry. He watched your special. He liked it. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah. And then Norm hit me. Because try to be the middleman. Because I didn't want you to freak out like something wrong happened. Then Norm hit me up. Yeah.

Hey, Sandler, that was good what you did with Adam there. Chicago Blackhawks game and what's the under. Norm would always say, you know, he'd always say the opposite. Yeah, it was a real good interview, right? And I liked it, you know. He goes, that was funny because it wasn't funny. Yeah. Yeah. I liked it because it was bad. Hey, you're like when Farley interviewed Paul McCartney. Yeah.

Well, you had a lot of energy and you were coming right up into the frame and Adam was sort of on his heels. Like he was very relaxed at a desk or something. So he was just sort of relaxed. And so it was a funny mismatch because you were just so excited and you came forward into the, so your head was gigantic and Adam was, yeah. He was just back on his heels the whole time. Whatever happened with COVID. Anyway, let's let Bert go because he's fucking great. I could talk to this guy all day.

I could talk. I got to have you guys on my podcast, but more importantly, I want to have you guys on my cooking show too. You have a cooking show? I do a cooking show called Something's Burning. And I just... Oh, that's right. Yeah, I saw your website. I do it. Do you have three podcasts or am I crazy? I have... I technically have three. Two bears. Well, four technically. I do two bears, bird casts, open tabs, which I'd love to bring...

I'd love to do with guests. So what I do is I leave all my tabs on Safari browser open throughout the weekend as I Google stuff and just whatever I Google, like King Leopold. And then whatever I learn from it, I go through the tabs on the podcast and close them. That's a separate one. That's a separate one. And then I have got Something's Burning. You have something with Bill Burr or no? No, we don't have that anymore. Okay. Yeah, and so- Something's Burning is a cooking show. Something's Burning is my cooking show. And so I bring two people. We do it right now. We do it out of my-

my current house, but we just bought a house to build a kitchen to do it out of. You rich motherfucker. Oh, shut up. I had your money. I'd throw mine away. Do you use Zillow houses when you go to them? Do I do what? Zillow houses? Yeah. Wait, no.

I Zillow when I don't need a house. I just Zillow. It's fun. I just look around. I Zillow everything. But no, we bought a house down the street because my kitchen isn't perfect. So we just got a house that had a kitchen we could tear down and build a new kitchen and put my podcast studio in, put my wife's podcast studio in and do production offices out of so that we could just – because it's like the cooking show took off. I put Bobby Lee and Mark Norman in on it. It got like 1.7 million views in like two weeks.

two weeks. And then Jim Jeffries, I put him on. I didn't put him on. He was a guest on my show. No one likes lesbians. Is that that guy? No, he was telling me about mutton. No one likes mutton. Mutton's the old grown-up. You want the lamb? You want the lamb? Shank the babies. It's like women. Jim Jeffries, he's with Alex, too. He's Australian. He's with our guys. He's funny as shit. Bobby Lee always cracks me up. This week, we have Steve-O and Andy Letterman. Then we have the banger.

the banger and this will be the one that legit like i don't think you'll ever like i don't you know unless you're interviewing sometimes you don't seek out their their podcast there is without a doubt you guys will watch tim dylan and whitney cummings it will be the biggest thing making fun of whitney is pretty good too while they're doing it did you already do it i already did it okay when i almost passed out laughing twice he is tim dylan cooking is so fucking funny is he berating whitney

I remember, I mean, just like a highlight. I remember at one point, and this isn't even remotely the funniest thing he said. She said, I have a lot of good ideas. And Tim goes, one.

She goes, what? He goes, one, you've had one good idea that you shared in a room with other men who helped execute it. One good idea. So they have that kind of relationship. She goes, Tim, if you were making me dinner, what would you be making me today? And he goes, I don't know. Percocet pudding? Because it's got Percocets in it, Whitney. He's the fucking greatest. He's the fuck. And that episode will be very big because Tim is just, I know, look, I've,

I have no money invested in the guy. He really is the best. Neither do I. He's the best. But he is hysterical. Not everyone cracks me up. He cracks me up.

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At Robert Half, we know talent. Visit roberthalf.com today. I'm a nibbler, Dana, and I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up.

They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is Pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Salt, sea salt, vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah. Look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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Omaha of all places quickly why Omaha is just good in middle America. I'm very neurotic. So like when I knew what shoes you wear on your special, I have rules to specials. And number one rule is I have to shoot specials in a market that I've performed in a lot that I have that has not seen the material yet. This is a real last question. Do you feel like you have to do another special? Because I feel like even my guy goes, all right, your special did great. Let's get the next one. I go,

Fucking A. Let me just live with this material for a while because it's hard. You want it to be good and it's hard to just flip it. After this tour, after this tour 2023, I could be... Well...

The idea is to be able to take some time off to do other projects. But in order to do another project, you kind of take your stand-up hat off and put your production hat on or your acting hat on. Because stand-up for me is all-encompassing. And that's all I think about. It actually is even tough for me when I'm getting ready for a special because I'm –

I'm not free thinking the way I am before, you know, I'm really kind of dialed in on getting this one thing polished and sparkled up and, and like getting like putting all the, the, the, the rhinestones on it so that, you know, um, but yeah, I feel like after this tour of new material, I mean, I would love to keep doing specials by, I've,

I would like to be one of those guys that takes a couple years off and instead of doing them every fucking 17 months. Say hi to your kids. Does other things. No, they're in college. I don't need them anymore. Fuck them. I'm getting ready to meet my second wife. The idea that you... I mean, I got to meet this lady, right? She's getting out of high school. Yeah.

The fact that you do nine-minute bits is I remember, because I got John Lovitz into stand-up. They're going, you're funny. It's a good income stream. And he loves it. But I remember he'd written a few things. He goes, I'm out of ideas. How do I get any more material? And I say, well, take the material you have and expand it. Yeah, you run it. He goes, oh. And every time I see him, you've saved me a lot of time.

That's the way he talks. But you doing nine-minute pieces based on a story? Yeah. Because it seems like that's helpful in terms of getting to that hour. Well, it's frustrating. So there's a bit that I'm closing my special with now that happened fucking four years ago that I've been working on for four years. If you bring up in bits at the store, you'll be like, all right, has anyone done this? And then you start working it and you get a couple. For me, it's a couple nuggets inside it where they –

where you can get a few laughs. Then once you can do that, then you focus on the thickness of it, hoping you can figure out an ending. Once you get the ending, then you can skinny everything out and just tell a short story. The ending is the tough part. Everyone telling stories, the one mistake comics don't make is a story.

story need people need to know it's over because if they don't it's got a pop it's got a yeah and if you don't have the pop don't record it wait till you got the pop wait till you got the thing where you say fuck that bitch this is Russia where everyone knows the story is complete

That's the end of the show. Either applause or at least we know it's over. You're going to the next thing. Yeah, yeah. I hated that on my special, I think I had two that were a little undercooked, but I loved them. Wait, which ones were they? It was ones where I go, they beefed out since. And I go, am I cheating? Because now it's a fully formed bit that's three minutes longer. But I go,

But the nugget of it, which is a couple laughs, but now it's turned into a whole thing and you go, fuck. But it's still, the root of it was that. Well, that's the real, the problem I have with hours is I literally, I have a bunch of undercooked stuff. And then the idea is which ones, which ones are the, which ones will be the best meals? Because sometimes you got to take ones that are even like, I have like two bits that are fully cooked now, but it just, they don't fit in the hour. It just doesn't,

make sense in that hour. Where do you put them? And I've told them a lot on the road and I just gotta take them out and I can't use them for my next hour because I've already told them a bunch so I gotta write new stuff and then hope that I can take ingredients out and re-put them in somewhere. I mean I like I don't know right now is my favorite part of an hour is I had everyone go watch it last week and they all signed off on it. Everyone's like holy shit that's a great hour and I was like for real because I'm so close to it. I was like even this part? And

And they're like, yeah. I go, even this part. Like, you guys like this part? Even this part? Yeah, there's one thing I did on... And I was like, what about this one thing, which I thought was really good? And they're like, it's not that good. And I was like, shut the fuck up. So I've got the actual hour, but now's my favorite part. Like, tonight I'm going to the store, I'm doing three shows, and all I need are certain tags inside jokes. So I just got to work on... I'll take the...

Like the bit I need is wine tasting. I have a big thing about wine tasting. And so all I need are some good gems inside a wine tasting bit. So right now I'm going to go on stage and just talk about wine tasting. David. And the one line I wrote is, which I thought was funny, and I'll tell it, but hopefully it makes it special.

But you go into wine tasting and they just pour you like the little bits of wine. Like we're about to get our assholes eaten by Michael Jackson. And so that's the bit I like. That's a good word package. Because that's how he did it, I think. Jesus shoes. Jesus shoes. Yeah, Jesus shoes. So I got like 10 of those written in my book of like –

Who would drink just a little bit of wine? Why they would drink that little wine? And then how do I force that into... I walk in and they've got little bits of wine like dot, dot, dot. So that's the funnest part of stand-up, of a special for me is that because...

I'll go through my hour and there's lazy writing. My dad opens three doors. First door and it's my lazy writings. It's like, fuck you, cocksucker, eat my ass, you know, like whatever. And then all of a sudden you're like, I should probably write a joke in there instead of just cursing. You're like, it'll still work, but I should probably write a joke. It'll still work. I appreciate it, guys. Thank you. This was so much fun. You have an incredible amount of energy. Thank you. This is a toned down burp, by the way, for the audience. We'll do another drinking one.

I can do two drinks. Oh, definitely. Just give me some Stella's or something like that. I'll drink beers. I just drink beers. Cold beers or – Ice cold beers. An ice cold beer buzz is out of this world. That's right. That's – after a run or I go hiking and then a couple beers. After a run, they sparkle. Well, just your whole body. You get on a whole other thing. So, yeah, that'll be fun. I'm a runner. Are you a runner? I am.

Well, I was. Now I'm a hiker because I have a little bit of a hip thing. But I was a huge runner for years. Really, really into it. So you can still run? I ran five miles this morning. Knees, hips, everything good? Overweight, I feel a little more in my knees and in my feet. You look pretty good, though. Well, it's because I don't just look bloated and splotchy because I've been drinking. I was 20 days off the sauce, so I feel like – and I've lost a little bit of weight, but not as much as you'd think. Mm-hmm.

You look good. Right. But yeah, it must feel great. But yeah, you're good with the shoes and everything. You know all about your pronation. Oh, I'm a hardcore pronator. I film myself running in slow motion, and you can see me actually pronate. It's really horrible. Pronation is good to a point, but too much is not good. Pronation, we're talking. It's shocking. I know. I got to go. Anyway, no, that's a great habit. Running is awesome. I think it's the purest, wonderful, you know. By the way, I met my soulmate today.

Between the fear of flying and running and the beer buzz after the running. Yeah. We'll fly somewhere together. Let's fly, go run, and drink. Yes, that's it. That's it. We'll definitely do that. I love it. For sure. This has been a podcast presentation of Cadence 13. Please listen, then rate, review, and follow all episodes. Available now for free wherever you get your podcasts. No joke, folks.

Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13, executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13, and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman with production and engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.