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I recently started a New Year's tradition that I really like. It goes something like this. At the beginning of January, I write a list of goals and wishes for the whole upcoming year. It's sort of like a to-do list with little checkboxes next to each one. Some of the things I write down I know I can achieve, and some things are a bit more pie in the sky, like on the list might be practice piano regularly and get a new pet insurance policy for my dog, but also buy a house in New York City and work on a moth story with Lizzo. Still achievable, but a reach.
Then at the end of the year, I go through the list and put a checkmark next to all the things I accomplished. The ones I didn't, I'll rewrite and then I'll put in some new ones also. It's a helpful way to reflect on the things I did do and see what I didn't quite manage and have to carry over. And who doesn't love checking something off a list?
In that spirit of reflection, today we've got two stories from Moth hosts looking back on past New Year's hijinks. First up is Dan Kennedy. To be absolutely clear, Dan might not be a trained professional, but you still shouldn't try this stunt at home. Like seriously, do not even think about it. He told this while hosting a Boston main stage, the theme of the night was great expectations. Here's Dan. It was five minutes before midnight on New Year's Eve quite some time ago.
My girlfriend and I, we had just turned 30 and we thought, we're adults now, so we'll stay in for New Year's Eve and be sophisticated and mature. And I was sitting on the couch in our apartment on Wall Street on the 20th floor, which I know that's a big missing piece. The only explanation I owe you people is it was a period I was going through.
It didn't add up or go great. So I was sitting there and I was like, this is great being mature and being an adult. Boy, it's so nice. And then I look and what I'm doing, I'm sitting on the sofa putting software on our Mac laptops at five to midnight on New Year's Eve. And I think you are really losing your edge. Um...
So I go, what am I going to do, though? You know what I mean? Like, how am I going to turn up the old volume, kind of get back to the old me? So I'd remembered my friend Nick had worked on an independent film down in Texas, and when he was there, he was buying a bunch of fireworks. And he came back to New York City with a box of fireworks and gave me a bunch of them. And I thought, I have a great idea. The fireworks are in that back bedroom that we use as a home office because we're adults now, and I will go back there
Turn up the volume, really get this thing started, it's New Year's Eve. So Maria loves to cook, she's cooking some awesome thing in the kitchen, totally occupied with her culinary talent, which enables me to sort of just sneak by, like I just walk slowly, sort of by, so she doesn't know, you know, the old me is here.
And I go to the back bedroom, I choose this firework out of one of those boxes. It's this thing, it's about, I don't know, it's like this long. It's way bigger than anything needs to be to celebrate any kind of Fourth of July situation. It's got plastic wings on top of it. It's...
Just weirdly aggressive. And the idea is you put it on the ground and you light the fuse and it spins and the plastic wings take it super high up in the air and it explodes in this giant fiery display. So I go, how cool is this going to be? I'm thinking to myself, I will toss it out the window. Yeah, exactly. This is going to be awesome.
And it'll have a 20-story head start. It'll go 20 stories higher than it was ever designed to go. It will then do its giant fiery display, and people all over Manhattan will be like, wait, is there a professional-grade firework show happening down there, too?
And I'll be like, "Eh, it's just me doing something. No big deal." So I open the window, I light the fuse, and it's totally one of those like Roadrunner cartoon fuses. It's like this long, and it starts sparkling, and I'm holding it. The window's right there, it's open. And Maria, as is often the case, if she looks over and doesn't see me, will start going, "What's he doing?"
And just then had walked into the back room and I'm holding this giant firework with a fuse that's getting shorter. And she says a phrase I've come to know over the years, which is, what are you doing?
And I said, for the first time in my life, I said something that I thought was so cool and badass to my girlfriend. Like for just a second, I felt like the loser character who's like kind of barely untraditional handsome, but such a loose cannon that Catherine Keener falls in love with him in an independent movie. And I go, "Happy New Year. Fling this firework out the window." And that's when stuff starts going wrong.
It took a turn. It's not balanced well, you know, because they didn't plan on this. And it flips. It's now drilling earthward 60 miles an hour, give or take, from the 20th floor. And I run over and I look down and it's just going, going, going down, down, down, like 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 10.
It gets down to like the second story and it does this thing I still cannot believe I saw with my own eyes. It just bangs a left, goes up our alley. It's like CNN footage from like the very first war you ever saw on TV. I was like, what the, how did they even know to do that? It's headed for the dumpster. New Year's.
is literally already shaping up to be a dumpster fire. So this thing is like the, but dumpster is like the size of an 18-wheeler trailer. It's giant. There's 400 apartments in this building or something. So it's New Year's Eve. It's filled with dried Christmas trees, wrapping paper. I don't know, like probably bales of hay. What the fuck? You know.
Sure, put them in there. It goes right for it, almost like it's trying to impress me, and burrows in down through this seven-layer dip of light, flashy feels. And it's going down, going down, going down. I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And then it's just, I'm looking, seems cool. I'm like, I think this is cool. I think nothing's going to
have to happen and then all of a sudden it starts its fiery display because it thinks it's up in the sky and I'm like, "You're not in the sky! You're on the... Dude, don't do the thing!" And it's like, "Check this out though!" It's doing all of its little tricks. I turn from the bad seed instantly into this scared nine-year-old boy and I look at Maria and I go, "Oh my God! It went into the dumpster and now what are we supposed to do?"
And she does this thing where I will never forget this moment. She takes two steps backwards, puts her hands up and goes, this is all you. I'm like, that is not what a true partnership is. Relationships are supposed to be about being in. I'm like, all right, just deal with it. You have to deal with it. So I'm looking down and I'm like, it seems kind of calm, but I'm like, yeah, but you're also 20 floors up. I'm like, maybe I don't know what's really happening. Then I see it, an orange spot.
and the orange spot starts to grow. And it starts to grow a little bigger and a little bigger, and suddenly it's taking up the whole dumpster, and the flames are probably like one or two stories high. And I'm like...
"Oh, this is feeling totally bad." Like, thank God nobody gets hurt because suddenly, you know, there are five huge New York City fire trucks and they're like hooking cables up to it, pulling it out into the middle of the street, shooting it with foam. And I'm instantly this weird, like, Paul Giamatti character, 20 floors up with the lights out going, "Oh my God, there's so many fire trucks down there. It's like really huge." And, uh...
I'm completely freaking out. It's taking, even after the firemen put this out, my adrenaline is just peaking. Like there's no way I'm getting to sleep. It's now like four in the morning. Maria went to bed, I think at five minutes after midnight, which is like, happy new year. Boom, goes to sleep. I finally settled down enough to go into the bedroom.
I don't want to wake her up, so I just lie down on top of the covers, very still. I'm staring at the ceiling. I'm trying to get my heart to stop finally racing. I'm calming down when she whispers this line that will haunt me for the rest of my years. "They're gonna find you." Yeah.
That was Dan Kennedy. Dan is one of the original developers of The Moth Podcast and a longtime host and performer at The Moth. He's the author of three books, Loser Goes First, Rock On, and American Spirit, and co-creator of the new comedy fiction podcast KPODD 101.3 with Maximum Fund Network's Benjamin R. Harrison. KPODD is available wherever you get your podcasts. Also, if you're wondering, yes, Dan and his girlfriend are still together and they now live in upstate New York. Our next story is from Ophira Eisenberg.
Since her story doesn't involve setting off fireworks, feel free to recreate it at home. She told this while hosting a Moth main stage in Tarrytown, New York, where the theme of the night was, there's a place for us. Here's Ophira. Growing up in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Yeah, woo, woo, interesting. I couldn't wait to leave. You either, actually, if you're here.
I just didn't feel like if Calgary, Alberta, it's cowboys and it's the prairies, a lot of oil money. I did not feel like I fit in. I kept fantasizing another place to go. And honestly, I didn't know exactly what it was. I was, of course, as a child obsessed with Sesame Street, so I suppose it was Queens.
And, you know, eventually, I was very scared. I was very scared to move to New York, or really just anywhere outside of the country. But then I had a... I went to college in Canada, but I had a friend who went to college in New York. And she said, oh, come visit, come visit, not understanding that when most people say that, they don't mean it. And...
I decided to come visit her, you know, as a 25-year-old. I said, "I'm gonna come for New Year's Eve."
I know, it's so naive. You do not bombard someone's apartment in New York for New Year's Eve. I mean, New Year's Eve, as anyone who lives around here anyways, is daunting, right? And I knew that she was going to feel excited to have me. I didn't know that she was going to feel the pressure of having to figure out what we would do if I came. But I was 25 years old. Honestly, we could have done anything, and I would have thought it was fabulous.
But when I got to meet her at her place, she lived in a dorm near the East Village, and she said that we had an invitation to a party. She was like, "God, it's an invitation to a New Year's party." I was like, "Oh my goodness, we're going to a party in New York. This is amazing." And she let me borrow some of her clothes because mine were not good enough.
The party, I said, "Where is the party?" And she said, "It's in Times Square." You know, this is in the 90s. And so I was like, "We're going to Times Square?" And she was like, "We're going to Times Square." So, you know, we put on our outfits and we took the subway pretty close, but of course, you know, you couldn't go very close because it's all, like, fenced off, basically, for the big ball drop.
But we had this address with an invitation, and she was just showing it to the policemen who were standing guarding these barricades, and they were looking at it and nodding and letting us through. I had no idea that was special at all either. I was like, oh, they're so helpful. We got to the address. It was a condo in the middle of Times Square. Now, you know, I wasn't so aware of where I was because I was 25 years old my first time in New York, but I think it was like 45th and 7th.
And so it was a beautiful building and again, I didn't understand what was going on. We walked in, there was a doorman, he handed us champagne or maybe it was Prosecco or maybe it was apple juice. I mean really at 25, it all was the same to me. And I was like, oh my goodness, this is where your friends live? And she was like, yeah. And I honestly, I did not know the term trust fund kid yet.
So I was like, "Wow, if I work really hard too, maybe one day." And we took the elevator up to the penthouse and the doors opened into the apartment. And I just remember the entire place was white. Just white carpeting and white walls and white furniture and white throw pillows. And I was like, "It's like Celine Dion's place."
And it was a party and everyone there was my age, but they seemed cool and I had conversations with all these different people about art and we were spewing our ideas of philosophy, you know, all full of grandeur like you do. And I didn't feel like myself. I felt like a better version of myself. And I was like, "Oh, these are the people I might hang out with one day."
And then it became close to midnight and we were told, "We all have to go onto the terrace." There was a terrace. The terrace basically looked over Times Square. If you kind of went like this, you could see the ball.
and the countdown started and we all started counting down and we're counting down at the same time as thousands of people on the street beneath us. So we're counting the same time, it just feels wild. And then it's Happy New Year! And everyone is screaming and laughing and I can't believe that I'm there and this man, he kind of looks like Benicio del Toro, grabs me, I mean it was the 90s, maybe it was Benicio del Toro.
grabs me and just kisses me and then looks at me and goes "Happy New Year" and like disappears and I was like "That is so New York!" Just to be desired and then...
And then everyone on the terrace started shouting, "We're in the center of the world! We're in the center of the world!" And those sparkles and the confetti was falling, but it was so cold, it looked like sparkles were floating from the air all around me. And I looked at all these people and this place I was, and I thought, "This is where I'm going to move to. This is where I'm going to move to, and this is what my life is going to be like."
every year. Thank you.
That was Ophira Eisenberg. If you're curious about what happened after she moved to New York City, well, we asked her and she sent us this little reflection. So I did move to New York. It was years and years and years and years later, but I did do it. I don't live in a penthouse in Times Square. Matter of fact, it was also many years before I lived in an apartment that was beyond just a couch in the corner of a living room with many people.
But here we are, and New Year's, wow, I never spent another New Year's in Times Square. I've done a lot of cool, fun things in New York on New Year's. But now, I got to say, my favorite New Year's plan is to stay at home and spend it with my family. And I think that's the most New York-y thing to say of all time. That on New Year's in the center of the world, you want to spend it in your apartment.
Ophira Eisenberg is a stand-up comedian, writer, and the host of the new comedy podcast Parenting is a Joke with iHeartRadio and Pretty Good Friends. She hosted NPR's Ask Me Another for nine years, where she interviewed hundreds of celebrities, including Rosie Perez, Yo-Yo Ma, Awkwafina, Roxane Gay, Nick Kroll, Chelsea Handler, and more. She's appeared multiple times on CBS's The Late Late Show, Comedy Central, HBO, The New Yorker Festival, Kevin Hart's LOL Network, Gotham Live, and The Today Show.
Her own memoir, Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy, was optioned for a television series, and her new comedy special Plant-Based Jokes is available as an album on iTunes and streaming on YouTube now. That's all for this episode. Whether your New Year's included exciting parties, fireworks, or just heading to bed early, we hope you have a wonderful 2023 filled with incredible stories. Michelle Jalowski is a producer and director at The Moth, where she helps people craft and shape their stories for stages all over the world.
This episode of the Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin Janess, Sarah Jane Johnson, and me, Mark Sollinger. The rest of the Moth's leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Catherine Burns, Jennifer Hickson, Meg Bowles, Jennifer Birmingham, Marina Cloutier, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Leanne Gulley, Inga Glodowski, and Aldi Caza.
All Moth stories are true, as remembered by the storytellers. For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org. The Moth Podcast is presented by PRX, the public radio exchange. Helping make public radio more public at prx.org.