Amberly Lago: Turning Pain into Purpose by Helping Others Heal | E88
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Yeah, I always make a joke. My husband will say, Amberlee, you're the one that says get rid of the doggy downers and stick with the puppy uppers if he can tell like there's even somebody in the family that's like bringing me down. But it's so true. Like there is nothing more powerful than being surrounded by like minded people who...

are passionate they're go-getters and they're not gossiping and they're focused on the good and they're focused on moving forward and they're focused on solutions and they're focused on collaborating it's important to look at the people that you're surrounding yourself with and that's not just the people that are in your life but even the people on social media

You're listening to part two of my amazing conversation with Amberly Lago. If you haven't yet listened to part one, be sure to check that one out first. Now, without further ado, here's part two with the amazing Amberly Lago. I had a medical scare maybe a little over 10 years ago. I was sick. I wasn't feeling well. And it was more than the flu. I just was just unable to get up. I was divorced. I didn't have a girlfriend. So I had no one there to really be with me. And then

On a Sunday morning, I felt that chest pressure that you hear about could be a heart attack. There's no way it could be an

you hear all the stories about people hearing the symptoms and that they don't do anything. So I'd always balance that out. And I was in phenomenal shape. I was going to SoulCycle three days a week. I would ride next to David Beckham every morning, which was very inspirational and motivating for me. He's in great shape, obviously. And I try to keep up with him. And I actually held my own with him and we had a mutual respect for one another. But I felt I could hardly breathe. So I called

my ex-wife who I'm very close to and I said yeah I'm not not feeling well I think I need to go to the hospital and I was embarrassed right and they because you know I was 30 how old was I 43 at the time and in the best shape of my life and the EMS comes and I made it downstairs I hadn't been downstairs maybe three times in three days and they give you this shot um

that if you're having a heart attack, that makes you feel better and it eases the tension. And so I said, all right, guys, I feel great. I feel better. Thank you. I'll see you later. And they said, oh, no, we're going to the hospital. And, you know, I'm in the ambulance and, you know, they're taking, they're doing a EKG the entire time, checking my blood pressure. And you can see they were worried. I mean, it was all a blur, but you could kind of say, all right, what's going on?

And then I get out and it's like you see on TV, there's a bunch of people waiting for you, right? They take you onto the gurney. And then the doctor said I was having a heart attack. And I said, that's not possible. And he said, why not? And so I said to him, because I go to SoulCycle three days a week.

And so he said, well, I'm the chief of cardiology here and you're having a heart attack. So sign here. And they started wheeling me away. And I thought, oh, my God, like, this is crazy. I had my phone. I called him.

My ex-wife, my kids were young, they were in school. I called my mom, she didn't answer. And I called a doctor friend, I had nobody. And it's like, you're going to that room and you think, gosh, you may die.

um and i could say goodbye to anyone and so you're in that room and and i asked my doctor whether i was going to die and he said no but you know doctors lie lie all the time to make you feel better right they want to give you hope and um if i was how old were your kids at the time they were maybe um seven and five so i was in the

this room and they they robotically you know they they put a stent in and they said well i have good news and bad news you're not having a uh heart attack but um what the symptoms you have present exactly the same and the one percent of one percent chance where it's not you have something called myocarditis and i said i said what's what's that and it's an infection of the heart

And, um, I said, well, what's, what's the bad news? And he said, well, the bad news is that it could be fatal. And so, and there's no cure for it. Nothing you can do your, your body rests and it's going to make it or it's not going to make it. So I was in the ICU for a few days. Um, and you know, I was the youngest person out there by at least 40 years. I mean, people were very old around me. Um,

And, and I, I, I, I made it. And then the weirdest thing is, um, I started my career as a lawyer and I was a second year lawyer. And when they hire the first year, you're no longer the youngest person. So there's a woman named Christine. We became great friends. We would have lunch all the time. And a week after I got out of the hospital, um, she, she died.

And I thought, gosh, you know, this is, you know, crazy. We were no longer good friends. You know, we sort of lost touch. She married a friend of mine and we would see each other at Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services. We belong in the same temple. And I went to the funeral and I thought, gosh, that could have been me in that casket. And I just was so grateful for life. And they...

I learned later that she died of myocarditis. No. How do you get that? What is it caused from? Nobody knows. I know there was an increase in myocarditis due to COVID. And it's interesting. I had all these doctors come into my room when I was sitting there

And they closed the door and said, all right, how much cocaine have you done in the past month? Oh my gosh, are you serious? And I've never done cocaine, ever. Never done drugs of any kind. I'm too scared of it. Ever, ever, ever, ever. And just one doctor after the other. And, you know, it was rare. And you had all kinds of doctors coming in and the students were, you know, were coming in. You're kind of like that.

that showpiece. And, you know, here's a patient that has myocarditis, but you know, it's, I, I do attribute my ability to live based on the physical shape I was in and the fact I was in very, very good shape. But, um,

Ultimately, my friend Christina, who died, was a runner. I mean, she ran a lot. She was in phenomenal shape, too. So some days it's your turn. Some days it's not your turn. Yeah, my husband always says, you know what?

God's got your ticket. And he always tells me, he's like, you know what? God just keeps spitting you back out. He just keeps spitting you back out because I've been in ICU so, so many times. And it's interesting that you had doctors come in and ask you, so how much cocaine have you done? It was, I had one of the first doctors that came in and talked to me when I woke up out of a coma was like, Hey, he leaned over and he said, Hey,

this is a question. It's just between you and me. He said, but do you abuse drugs or do you regularly use drugs? And I said, no, sir. I said, I've never done drugs. I said, I never even take aspirin. And he goes, well, he goes, are you an athlete? And I kind of thought, well, can't you tell I'm an athlete? Like, you know, and he said, he goes, well,

We had a real hard time keeping you knocked out in a coma. He said, you have so many endorphins. We couldn't keep you down. And I was like, wow, that's interesting. I said, oh yeah, I ran 11 miles in my best time the day of my accident. But yeah,

the, the, the power of endorphins or they're like a drug, but like a healthy drug, but yeah, that, that doctor came up to me, Dr. Razul, one of my favorite doctors. And he said that, and we've had, we've had an amazing relationship. He has recently passed away, but good man. But you know, they assume, well, you must be doing drugs or you must be doing this or that. And yeah, but it's, it's

It's wild. Let's talk about what it did to you mentally, as well as some of the side effects that it had and some of the behaviors that it led to. You were depressed. You became an alcoholic. You lost your home. How bad did it get? And did you ever think about killing yourself?

Yeah, I did. You know, I was never, I was never a partier. In fact, you know, I moved from Texas to California and thought I'm going to make something of myself. I am so not like a lot of the other people in my family that have problems with addiction and, you know, I'm going to make something of myself. And so I was always the go-getter and a high achiever and worked hard and

And then when I could not get out of pain with all these treatments that I was doing, and I mean, we had $2.9 million worth of medical expenses. I had spent thousands, I think, I think $20,000 on ketamine infusions just to go get infused with ketamine to try to reboot your nervous system. Like nothing was working. And I remember one day having a glass of wine and,

And how it kind of numbed out the pain, not just physically, but it helped me feel like I could stuff down some of the emotions. And I remember thinking, wow, why didn't the doctors just tell me to knock back a glass of wine? Cause this sure helps. And, um, I remember thinking, well, this, uh, being in the fitness industry and, you know, I was sponsored by Nike and doing infomercials with body by Jake and, um,

uh, fitness videos and on the cover of magazines and contributing to shape and health magazine. And now I'm like, well, this can't be the healthiest thing to do, but if it's what I have to do every day just to get through the pain, then I guess I'll have to do it. And that worked until it didn't until I realized I was physically, uh,

mentally in every way dependent upon alcohol just to get throughout the get through the day and um I remember going to my husband and saying I think I have a problem and him being a cop he was like no no no you don't have a problem I was like no I think I do I think I need to go to AA and he goes no you don't want to be around those people I mean he was used to arresting

people that had addicted drunks and stuff. And he was like, how could I be married to an alcoholic? And he said, you know what? Anybody would drink if they had to deal with as much as you're going through. But I knew deep down that I had a problem. Like I knew deep down this was not right. And I needed help.

And so I Googled recovery programs and I found a 12 step program that when my husband was at work and my daughter was at school, I could go to this recovery program. It was the scariest thing I'd done to admit that I had a problem and then the courage to ask for help. But it was at that moment where I was ready to die. I was like, just don't let me wake up. This is just too much for me to bear.

But it was my daughters and it was having that little, you know, thinking of them and how I didn't want to do anything to hurt them. And I wanted to be an example of resilience for them that really pulled me through and gave me that little bit of courage to get on my knees and pray.

And, uh, I prayed and that gave me the courage to, to find a meeting and go to a meeting. And, and to this day, I still go to meetings and that's how I've had, that's how I've been sober. I had a girlfriend who I dated for two and a half years who was a alcoholic and

And I've been to at least 50 AA meetings. And it's really remarkable what goes on in that room. And it usually is only when people hit rock bottom that they will actually go. And it's transformative, like you said, for a lot of people. A lot of people don't get sober.

A lot of people, as you know, do get sober. And I think the one takeaway that I have, well, there's many takeaways. One of the takeaways is if you think you have a drinking problem, you probably do. If you have to ask yourself, I wonder, do I have a drinking problem?

That you probably did. It's a good sign. It's so true. Yeah. Talk to us about resilience and the importance of being resilient in our success and overcoming incredibly challenging obstacles, including medical problems and mental health issues, including depression. Well, I think that we all have resilience within us and it's just our ability to, you

tap into that so we can, you know, decide to take action and thrive. And so for me, it's not just about, uh, resilience mentally, um, but it's resilience physically, spiritually, um, emotionally. And so, um, there's things that I do every single day,

that helped me to be resilient because I wake up in the morning and I, from the minute I take my first step, sometimes without even taking a step, I'm like, Ooh, how bad is this pain going to be today? Like, how bad is it going to be? Am I going to be able to walk? Am I going to be able to get through the day? And, um,

So I immediately start by shifting my perspective with gratitude. And I've actually come up with a PACER methodology. It's called PACER, which stands for Perspective, Acceptance, Community, Endurance, and Rest. And so the easiest and quickest way to shift your perspective is with gratitude. And it really...

gets you focused on what you can do instead of focusing on what you can't do. And it gets you focused on all the things that you get to do and all the things that you do have, because it's easy to spiral down, you know, the path of, oh, woe is me. You know, I'm in pain or I can't walk. I mean, I remember there was a day I used to love to run and my daughter's a runner and she's

wanted me to go for a run with her. And I looked at my husband and I was like, what a shame. I can't go for a run. He's like, get on your bike and ride your bicycle beside her. And I was like, oh yeah. And it just totally shifted my perspective on what I could do. Like I could have sat there and had a pity party on, oh wow, I can't run anymore. Poor me. But I was like, oh, well, what can I do? I can ride my bike.

Um, and the next part of Pacer is acceptance. And I think acceptance and being aware of where you are, who you are on your journey, um, where you're going is so critical. It's the beginning of any transformation. Um, when I got into an acceptance of, okay, well,

This is a nerve disease that I've been dealt with and these are the action steps I can take to go in the right direction. Because when you're in denial, which I was in denial for a long time, I was trying to pretend that

Like I didn't have scars. I didn't have this nerve disease and I wasn't taking the right medication. And I was going spiraling down into a depression and then alcoholism and then literally wanted to die. And so when you're in acceptance, it allows you to take action steps with grit and to move to right in the right direction. And it also allows you to connect with the right community. And that's the next part of Pacer, which community is,

is probably the most important part of Pacer. Look, I tried to do it alone and it didn't work. I would not be a successful entrepreneur if I didn't have a great community. I'm a coach and I have a coach. I'm a mentor and I have a mentor. Um,

you know, I've, I'm a sponsor and I have a sponsee. I am in a mastermind and I have my own mastermind. We all need, I mean, you don't have to do it alone. And when you come together, yeah, we're unstoppable.

And so it's amazing. I think that success is built on relationships and there is a lot of power and proximity. So it's so important to invest in yourself by connecting with the right people, whether that's hiring a coach or getting into the right rooms and conferences, um,

Because it takes endurance, whether you're an entrepreneur or whether you're dealing with chronic pain or both, or you're a stay at home mom chasing around kids or a stay at home dad chasing around kids. You know, endurance is where your passion, your perseverance come into play. It's where you remember why you started, because I don't think we get burnout easily.

for doing the things we do. I think we get burnout for, for getting why we're doing the things that we're doing. Um, and then the last part of pacer is rest, which was the hardest part for me. Um, I was like, resting is for quitters. I'm not going to rest. Resting is for the week. And I had to really shift my whole mindset that resting is, um,

If you really want to be resilient, then you have to strategically plan times to stop and rest and recover. And I've made resting a part of my business strategy and really gone through and planned times to rejuvenate, to get enough rest. I plan times to space things out and don't overcommit anymore and spread myself too thin. I had a client of mine that was like,

telling me, you know, that our health again, and a friend of mine that was like, your health is the most important thing. And if I don't have my sobriety, if I don't have my health, then I can't serve others. And so that has to be top of the list so I can help others. Should we all write down our goals and make ourselves accountable if we want to achieve certain things in life, including improving ourselves? Heck yeah. Yeah.

The reason I say that is because I think there's such power in writing things down. And I will tell you, everything happens in divine timing. I mean, we do have to do the work. It's important to do the work. But the reason I say heck yeah is because I have had a sticky note written on my computer. Right here. It's the next title for my next book. And I have had it

in mind the publisher that I want to publish the book, the idea for the book, the title of the book, and I've had it written down. And I've been doing other things, but I've had this written down. It's like, this is what I'm going to get to. And it's here where I see it every single day. Do you know, I had that publisher reach out to me two days ago,

And they want a proposal. They're interested in the book. And I'm like, yeah. So if I had never written that down, if I didn't constantly go, okay, well, this is what I'd like to do. This is...

you know, something that I want to have in mind and I didn't start writing things out to plan out the chapters and things, then how are we going to accomplish it? You know, if you don't write it down. For me, I think it's very important to write it down. I also think it's very cathartic to write something down. It's very healing to write things down and it's a good way to process things.

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Get your next amazing gift and order a copy of Bliss Beaches by clicking the link in our show notes. I have a personal business plan that I follow. I look at it. It's in my calendar. I look at it once a quarter. I pull it out. I read it. I make sure I'm alone.

in solitude, usually in my home office when everyone's asleep or on the weekends when I have quiet time when my wife and our two young kids are not there. And it's very, very helpful. And a lot of the coaching that I do as well, and a lot of it centers around, I don't know what to do. I'm mid-career. I'm graduating college. And I have people do a checklist. I give them a written exercise. I tell them, write things down. And the exercise is

It's basically a bunch of questions, and I'm not going to get into the whole thing here. But for example, what are the five best things you're good at? And what are the five worst things that you're bad at? And there's a set of four other questions like that that I give them. And you think, okay, right out of the gate, well, that's simple. That's easy. One of them is, what are the five things

dream jobs you would like in your life and what are the five worst jobs you could ever hope for or want in your life and just by kind of chipping away at the edges and writing them down I give them a week to do the exercise I say if this doesn't take you a long time uh 20 hours you're not doing it right because you write them down you look but I think it's so important to write down our goals I had to write down mine you think in your head yeah I got this but you don't have it

Right. You have it if you're looking at it every day. And I just think it's been critical to my success. I've heard you say it's it's critical to yours as well. One of the other things that you've said, I've never heard it said this way, but I but I love it is put yourself on your own to do list. What's that about? I think that's I think that's awesome advice. Well, I end up a lot of times in the past I have said,

I have filled my whole day is filled with, you know, doing other things. And as much as I love helping people, I will meet their needs first. I'm an overcoming people pleaser and overcoming perfectionist. And so I'd spend all day jumping through hoops, trying to help all these other people and taking care of what they were doing. And, and I learned this actually, uh,

in a very kind of radical way. Like I remember, so every year I do an event, it's called the Unstoppable Success Summit. And we have an annual event once a year, like this year, I have John Gordon, Ben Newman, Rudy Ricksteins, Henry Amar, Rachel Luna, as well as some other panelists and mastermind members that are coming to speak at the event. And last time I had the event, I was so excited.

busy helping other people promote their event that when it came time to like, oh my gosh, my events in a month came time for me to promote it. It was like, I'd been promoting so many other people's events and helping them with other stuff that when it came time for my own, it was like, oh, another event Amberlee's promoting. You know what I mean?

And so I was like, I got to make sure I take care of me so I can take care of having a roof over my head and taking care of my family and taking care of my health. But, but yeah, I mean, I've had to learn to put myself on my to do list as far as what my business goals are. Like I got to get those things done first and,

Then I can help other people. And that might seem selfish, but I've learned the hard way that it doesn't work if you do it the other way. And then I've also learned to put my workouts on my to-do list. I put my workout in on my schedule. I put a lunch break on my schedule, even if that's a 15 minute little window, because before I would work straight through, I would train, you know, or work with,

12, 14 clients back to back to back. And you got to take care of yourself because you're setting an example for your clients and for others. And so when I say put yourself on your to-do list, it really means like really take care of yourself. Shout out to John Gordon, who I sent a cold email to. I'm a big fan. He's written these amazing, amazing books.

Great motivational speaker. Brilliant, brilliant guy. And you need to come to Dallas and hang out with us. You tell me the date and if I can make it, I'll make it. But John's one of those guys. I sent him a cold email.

We did our podcast in person. It was, we had a nice bond. He's become a good friend. And we talk about mentors. I'm new to relatively new to the podcast business, relatively new to the self-help business in terms of doing it in a, in a professional way. And he's been a mentor to me and a great friend. Amazing. Great friend. He,

He is amazing. Actually, Catherine is amazing as well. Catherine. Yeah, actually, she was just here at the house. She was just here a couple of days ago. She's at the house. Yeah. Shout out to both. She's a part of my mastermind. Yeah. She's amazing. Let's switch gears. And I want to talk about the people we surround ourselves with. Can you tell us about doggy downers and puppy uppers? And as part of this podcast,

How important is it, regardless of where we are physically, mentally, or professionally in our lives, to surround ourselves with people who not only believe in us, but who also believe in our dreams? Yeah, I always make a joke and my husband will say, well, Amberlee, you're the one that says get rid of the doggy downers and stick with the puppy uppers if he can tell there's even somebody in the family that's bringing me down. But it's so true. Yeah.

There is nothing more powerful than being surrounded by like-minded people who are

are passionate and they're go-getters and they're not gossiping and they're focused on the good and they're focused on moving forward and they're focused on solutions and they're focused on collaborating. And so it's important to look at the people that you're surrounding yourself with. And that's not just the people that are in your life, but even the people on social media, like who are you scrolling through? If there's somebody on social media that you're looking and you're like, oh, they bring you down or whatever.

they make you feel bad or you're all of a sudden imposter syndrome. When you look at their stuff, it's like, then sometimes you got to bless them and block them and just nothing against them, but they don't make you feel good. You have to protect your peace. And so if you can't get rid of somebody that's in your life in person, maybe a family member, then learn to set healthy boundaries. And like, for instance, you know, I've got some family members that it's like, uh,

I will go see them and put, I have a set time of I'm going to be here for 15 minutes to pay my respect, to say hello, to see if they need anything, and I'm out of here.

Um, I don't want that. There was one time I had some family members at the house and I had to excuse myself, go upstairs where I knew that they would not be able to walk up the stairs and just take a break. So I'm just very sensitive to people's energy. Um, and you know, there, there are some people that are just energy vampires and they will just suck it out of you. And I just want to be around people who, um,

Look, I'm not positive all the time. I have to work on it. But it certainly makes it easier when I'm around people who are focused on solutions instead of complaining and focused on the negative and the bad all the time. I couldn't agree any more. I mean, we've all had people, family members, friends who are just taxing on our soul. And like you said, you cringe sometimes.

when you're going to see them or have a meeting or, you know, they're going to be somewhere and you just, you know, I just say hello. And then you want to get out of there. And, you know, once you've, once you've done your thing, let's talk about superpowers and superheroes. You've said your greatest passion and purpose is to show others. We all have this superhero that lives within us and that we have all this resilience within us that,

Is that really true? And how can you explain that to someone who's depressed and can't get out of bed in the morning or has been diagnosed with a serious illness and think they're going to die or are actually certain they're going to die? Well, you know what? That's such a great question. And I think that when you're going through a really hard, hard time, I want to acknowledge that

It's hard. And I've been in that place where I'm not going to sit here and tell you that, oh, yeah, when I was waking up out of a coma, I was just positive and focusing on the superpower and everything.

resilience. It, there were times when I cried and cried. And even when I got out of the hospital, it was hard for my husband to see me cry. So when all the wounds were healed up, um, enough to where I could get in the swimming pool, I would get in the swimming pool just so I could cry. So I thought if I'm in the pool, they won't be able to see my tears. Um, so it, it was hard, but I do feel like in those moments, um,

That if we think about gratitude, if we think about the things that

that do bring us joy, that have brought us joy. And if we think about achieving one small attainable goal in the day and we get through that and we celebrate that little victory, that little win that, that can bring joy. Um, I think that, you know, when I was really lost thinking, Oh my gosh, what am I going to do? I can't train clients anymore. What am I going to do? I really stopped and I asked myself, okay, now,

well, what do I love doing? What brings me joy? What is something I know that I could do forever? And I would just get so much gratitude from it.

And that was working with people. And so that's when I started, you know, went back to school to get certified for coaching instead of just the physical training. And so I think it's important to, to also for me, something I still do every single day is I have a gratitude practice and, and,

I have a group of ladies. We call ourselves the God squad and we text each other every single day. In fact, we actually use an app now because it makes it easier. It's an app and you can go in and it says toolkit and you go in the toolkit and you can write down 10 things you're grateful for. And we just send it in this group text. And it's one thing to really think about what you're grateful for. It's another thing to write it. It's another thing to express it and share it. But when you get to read what somebody else is grateful for, um,

It is, it, it just changes everything. I mean, the other day there was a friend of mine who she was grateful. It was her last day of chemo. And I thought I'm feeling down because I'm worried about this little minor thing that happened at work. And she's grateful that it's her last day of chemo. And so I think that, you know, it's important number one to focus on what you can do to be of service because you

you know, whatever I could do in the hospital, which was make some phone calls, give guidance to the nurses who would come and collapse after a long shift next to my bed in the chair next to me and talk to me about their problems and give them guidance. That gave me a sense of purpose and being of service is what really helped me through a lot. And I think that we all

have that superpower. And sometimes it might just come so naturally to us that we don't think it's a superpower, but it's something that other people might not be as gifted at it, but it just comes so easy to us. It's just something that we're, we're good at. And so I would, if you don't know, and you're having a hard time, I would go around to like five people and ask them, Hey,

What do you think my superpower is? What do you think is the thing that I'm really gifted at that I can offer the world? And just see what they say. That's great advice. I've never heard anyone say it that way. And I think a lot of people think they don't have a superpower, but I think we all have individuals, hopefully, who we can look up to and we can ask. And that's true in the hospital. You can ask a nurse, you can ask a doctor. But I think that's fantastic advice.

Let's go back to something we talked about earlier today, and that's sexual abuse. And I want to talk about its prevalence when divorced moms with children get remarried. Let's start with the crazy and maddening statistics that 17% or one out of every six women who had a stepfather as a principal figure in their childhood has been sexually abused by him. You were a victim of sexual abuse, as you talked about. That's a crazy stat. Wow.

You were 12 years old when your stepdad sexually abused you. Can you tell us about that experience, how long it went on, what you did about it, how your mom and your real dad reacted to it when you told them, and how it influenced your future? And as part of that, can you tell us about the fear and the shame of telling others like the PTA moms at school knowing about this when you finally wrote about it?

Oh, yeah. Well, my parents divorced when I was seven or like eight. And my mom and stepdad married right away. I mean, there was like hardly any time they were just already together. And I was sexually abused by my stepfather. And for the longest time, I didn't tell anybody because he told me

told me that he would kill my mom if I told anyone. And so, and I believed him. He was kind of, he was kind of scary and, um, pretty, really scary. And, uh, I finally, when I was probably about age 13, I finally got the nerve to go tell my dad. And I remember telling my dad and it took so much courage because you have so much shame when you've been sexually abused and

Like I knew it wasn't right. And, um, but you've got this adult that's telling you that this is how dads teach their children and you trust them, but in your gut, you're like, this isn't right, but they're telling you it is right. And so it takes a lot of courage to finally, um,

Tell somebody, especially when they've said they're going to kill your mom and you have so much shame. So I tell my dad and my dad didn't do anything. So in that moment, I realized a couple of things. What first I thought, well, I'm just not worthy enough of protecting or or even protecting.

loved enough to be protected. Cause I know if somebody told me, I know if my daughter told me they were being sexually abused, I would probably be in jail or dead. I'm with you on that one, by the way, that's,

I mean, but later it was actually through writing about it in my book. And so I wrote the whole manuscript for my book and I let my parents read it first. And I said, I want you to read this because I didn't write this book to hurt anyone, but I wanted to bring awareness. And I said, I want you to read it. I'll only publish this if you're completely comfortable with what I'm sharing. And my stepfather, by the way, had already passed away. Good riddance. No offense to anybody else, but good riddance.

Yeah, he actually, I don't write about this in the book, so I'll say it here. Um, once it did, he found out. So my step, my dad didn't do anything crazy by the way that your dad didn't do anything. I, I, I had disgusting as well. I just can't imagine that. He, he, you know, he's like, well, you promised you made me promise. I wouldn't tell. And I was like, I was a little kid crying for help. You know what I mean? Um,

When I was 23, I was going through a horrific divorce from an abusive relationship. I was married for a short while and it was abusive and he was in, it wasn't good. And he had done everything that he could to hurt me. He had cheated on me. He had called me names. He had beat me. He had done anything he knew he couldn't do anything else. Like there's nothing else that he could do to hurt me. He had already done everything.

And so I had confided, confided in him that I was sexually abused and I hadn't told anybody else I'd confided in him. He called my mom and said, do you know what your step, do you know what your husband did to my wife? And so that's how my mom found out I was 23 years old. And I got on the phone with my mom and she said, Amberlee, is it true? And I couldn't, I was like,

yeah. And we got off the phone and she said that she went over to my stepdad. He was asleep on the couch and she punched him as, and my mom is like a Southern bell. She's the sweetest thing you've ever met. And she punched him as hard as she could. And she goes, so is it true what you did to Amberly? And he couldn't say a word. And so she goes, well, so then I guess it is. And she left. She came to California to be with me. She got back and

He left, like packed a bag, left most of his stuff there and was on the run forever. Never paid her alimony, like couldn't find him. He ended up living about an hour from me in California. And there were times when I felt this eerie, like, you know, somebody staring at you or, and I always wondered, is that him? Is he around? And maybe it was, but he ended up dying of testicular cancer. Ain't karma a bitch.

Well, I have goosebumps. I hate to say that, but I'm hate to say that. When you tell that story, by the way, I'm sorry you had to go through all that. That's horrific. I can't imagine. But I had goosebumps on my whole body as you were telling me that that story happened.

Hopefully there are some lessons in that that have made you stronger. But for all the people out there who are being abused physically, mentally, verbally, please get help. So many people don't reach out. They're afraid. They're ashamed. They don't know what to do. I have a very good friend who was sexually abused as a child.

child, biased at father. She didn't tell people for years and years and years and went through so much therapy and it really affected her life in a very negative way. She's my age. I'll be 55 in a couple weeks and she still deals with it every day. So please go get help. I mean, it's an ongoing thing and I'm not going to sit here and say I'm completely healed. I still sometimes get triggered.

But now, instead of like reacting and spiraling down into bad habits or behaviors or coping mechanisms, I can go, okay, why am I triggered from this situation? And what are the tools that I can use to get through it? And, you know, I remember going to a therapist years ago. I was in my 20s. And she actually...

And I wasn't in there for sex. I wasn't in there to talk to her about sexual abuse. I was in there to talk about a relationship. And she goes, were you sexually abused? And I was like, well, yeah, but I've dealt with that. I've, I've healed from that. I've dealt with that. She goes, no, you haven't. And she's like, you need to read this book and do this and this. And it was like,

I did a lot of healing through therapy, through reading, through self-development, through journaling, through writing. But I have to say, writing my book and writing about the sexual abuse was very cathartic. It took me down kind of a hard path, but it was actually very cathartic. And you know what? I...

I remember getting the box of books delivered to the house and my husband looked at the book and he looked at the back of the book and he was like, oh my gosh, can you, it says that survivor of sexual abuse. And I was like, he goes, I can't believe they put that on the book. I said, honey, I write about it in the book. You might want to read the book. And I had this twinge of like, oh my gosh, now all the PTA moms are going to know they're going to like, it was crazy.

I've had more people reach out to me, including PTA moms and PTA dads, by the way, that have come up to me and whispered in my ear, thank you for writing about that. Now, I don't feel like I have to walk around in shame. I can have the dignity and grace and move forward. So thank you for writing that. Amen.

Oh man, that's amazing. This episode of In Search of Excellence is brought to you by Sandee.com. S-A-N-D-E-E.com. We're a Yelp for beaches and have created the world's most comprehensive beach resource by cataloging more than 100 categories of information for every beach in the world. More than 100,000 beaches in 212 countries.

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overcoming obstacles and so many things we do on our path to success. Therapy is very important. I have a therapist. I encourage everyone to have a therapist. My therapist is like my coach. But as we think about

how we become successful. One thing that I like to talk about, you've talked about it a little bit, is the importance of preparation. You talked about it when we talked about PACER. But I have a new term for preparation. It's called extreme preparation. It's what has made me successful, one of the most important ingredients. I'm talking about a different kind of preparation. When someone prepares two hours for something or

I will prepare 40 hours for something. I always want to make sure I'm the most prepared person in the room. And it's amazing what extreme preparation does for people. I'm writing a book called Extreme Preparation. That's one of the things. You are. Yes, I love teaching techniques that can actually make a difference in people's lives. Can you give some examples in your life how extreme preparation has made you successful or a better person?

Yeah, I think I learned that from being an athlete and a dancer. And, you know, I was never the best dancer. I got into athletics and tried out for the team like the last day there was to it was like the day they were like, OK, today you're going to run to see if you qualify to be on the track team. And so I had to.

I always had to work a little harder. I was always good at the grit. You know, I could outwork, outrepair, outlast. I just worked really, really hard. And so for me, you know, even if it's something as far as like a health goal or if it's something like when I prepared for my TEDx talk, I, by the time I got to my TEDx talk, I was the only speaker that didn't have a Ph.D.,

And I remember the website came up and my husband was like, wow, you know, you're the only one that doesn't have a PhD. I'm like, yeah, I kind of noticed that. I'm the only one that doesn't have a college education. And so I thought, well, I'm just going to practice. I'm going to work harder. I'm going to prepare more. And when I got backstage for that TED Talk, it was my first big talk on a stage. I'd never talked on a stage like that.

Um, everybody was freaking out backstage, like seriously freaking out. People were pacing back and forth and like talking to themselves and it was crazy. And I was just kind of walking around looking like, you know, I had done the preparation so I was ready to go. Yeah. I did my pushups and prayer backstage before I went on, but I was ready to go because I had put in the work and,

to prepare for that day. And I think that when you prepare, it gives you the confidence to go for it. There's so much to this. We could talk about, I mean, my book's going to be 350 pages. So I could talk about this for a month, but there are so... Well, we're going to have to have you on...

the show on true grit and grace and talk about your book. When is your book coming out? Hopefully it probably won't be till the end of next year. I've, I've missed every deadline that, that we've had.

So, Naren, if you're listening, I'm getting it done. But it's tough. You know, we talk about preparation. I'm also preparing, as I mentioned, to go out and do some paid corporate speaking on the same topic. I'm memorizing a 37-page speech right now. And I work on it every day and work on it every morning. 37-page speech? You're memorizing it? It's 60 minutes. So, I mean, that's what...

That's what the companies want, but it's, there's a lot packed in there. Um, but it's, I, I, I don't know how much time I spent, uh, preparing on this so far, writing it took forever. And then, you know, I, I practice every day and memorize. And you know what, that's the thing that people don't understand. They think a lot of times, Oh, you're getting 15 K to go do this talk. And it's like,

First of all, it was the years of learning the lessons to even be able to put together the talk and then the stress of putting together. And I say stress because it's,

I want to do a good job. So the hardest part for me sometimes is just like coming up with my opening or, you know, and then practicing and practicing and practicing. It's all the reps that you get in before that you actually go do the job. Sam, we've already talked about extreme preparation, which has been one of the hallmarks of my career and my success. And you've explained some of your experience with extreme preparation. But let's go back and talk about

In your view, what does it take to be successful? What are three to five ingredients when you think about the word success? I really think in order to be successful, you have to know your why, like why you're doing it. In fact, I just finished writing a book proposal for a new book. And I was explaining to the publisher that it was like, you know, when I first started writing,

and was working on my first book, I had people that told me, you need to stick to fitness. You don't have a college education. I didn't even own a computer, to be honest with you. Like six years ago, I didn't even own a computer. But I had a why, and I thought there has to be a reason in all that I've been through that can serve me.

to purpose and help other people. And so I think knowing your why is very important because that's going to be your driving force. And I don't think that people get burnout from doing the things that they do, but I think they get burnout from forgetting why they started and why they're doing the things that they do. So I think it's remembering their why and

Um, I think it's having a strong community and having support with connection. I could not do it alone. Um, I tried it and it didn't work. And I think that community is important. So get involved in a mastermind.

that you can brainstorm with. You can have that collaborate, you know, collaborations, you can support each other, but also get with the right community and seek counsel and not opinion. So what I mean by that is like when you tell somebody your big dreams or your goals and,

And, uh, perhaps they've never written a book. They're like, you can never write a book. What? Write a book? That's impossible. But if you ask someone who has already written a book, who's published several books are like, Oh, of course, this is of course what you can do. This, these are the steps you need to take. So take step a, B and C and you get good counsel on that instead of opinions on people who've never done the thing that you want to do. Um,

Um, and then I think it's important to, um, stick to your non-negotiables, which is like when I have started to fail or when I've started to burn out or when I've started to go back into healthy habits is when I've stopped doing my non-negotiables, which everybody has their non-negotiables. Mine is, um,

prayer and gratitude practice and working out and connecting and being with my family and other things. But knowing your non-negotiables and sticking to that so you can have sustainable success. I want to switch gears for a minute and I want to talk about the dangerous things millions and millions and hundreds of millions of people knowingly do.

Many millions of us like driving more than 100 miles an hour at times, even more if we have faster cars and seeing how far, how fast our cars go. Many millions of people like racing from zero to 60 or love racing someone when the light turns green from a red light. We talk about complete stupidity. 9.1% of people don't wear seatbelts and 50% of traffic deaths come from people who are not wearing them.

Here's a statistic. In 2021, seatbelts saved an estimated 14,955 lives and could have saved the lives of an additional 2,549 people if they had been wearing seatbelts. Now let's talk about motorcycles. There are 9 million motorcycle riders in the United States and more than 200 million around the world. As of last year,

19 states and the District of Columbia had universal helmet laws requiring all motorcyclists to wear a helmet, while the other 31 states had partial helmet laws, which only requires certain riders to wear helmets, usually based on age. In the U.S., approximately 70% wear helmets and 30% don't, which means 3 million people in the United States ride without them.

In 2021, 6,084 people in the United States died from motorcycle crashes. Motorcyclists account for 14% of all crash-related fatalities in the United States, even though they were only 3.5% of the vehicles on the road. Motorcyclists are 24 times more likely than passenger vehicle occupants to die in a car crash and 40 times more likely than light truck occupants.

And as you know, there's no sense of freedom with the sun. There's no sense of freedom like when the wind is blowing in your face and you can feel the wind through your hair on a sunny day. I have a boat up in Coeur d'Alene. I love it. We speed through the water when it's glass, the hair is blowing in your face. Why are people knowingly taking this risk when they know it's so dangerous?

Well, I think a lot of motorcyclists know, because I got a lot of friends with motorcycles, and you know that there's always, you're either going down or, I mean, there's always a chance you're going down.

But there is nothing like the freedom of riding in the wind and that with the wind blowing through your hair and being on the bike. And I think part of it is because it, as a motorcyclist, you are so focused on being in the present. You're so focused on your surroundings. It's not like when you're in a car, you're,

And I hate to admit this, but I've texted while I've been driving. I know people are going to hate me for that. But I mean, I do have my car on autopilot, which doesn't make it any better. I know that. I know it.

But when you're on a motorcycle, you are fully in the present. And the only other thing I can describe that gives me the same present moment of being in that is when I'm boxing and sparring. And when I'm boxing and I'm hitting the mitts, I'm not thinking of anything else except for not getting hit in the face and hitting the mitts. And, um,

But it's crazy to me to see out here in Texas, because I lived in California where helmet law was mandatory in Texas. It's not. And I'm like, oh my God, they're riding without a helmet. That is crazy. That is just crazy. And did you know that the best organ donors out there, they come from motorcyclists?

And the reason being is because most motorcyclists are younger. They have no previous illnesses or anything like that, but they have died in a horrible crash. But there are some of their organs that can be salvaged. And so I don't know why people continue to do it. I can say that, you know, my husband still has his Texas chopper.

in the garage, but he lost his confidence to ride after my motorcycle accident. And he

He stopped writing. He was a CHP motor sergeant and he stopped, he stopped writing as a profession. And then he stopped writing his motorcycle because he knew what a good writer I was. And I'm not saying that to make myself say, I was such a good writer. He knew what just, what a safe writer I was. And that at any moment, man, when God's got your ticket, you're done. Like,

When your time's out, there's nothing you can do. It's done. You're done. And I think that it's scary nowadays with motorcyclists, especially in L.A. where we lived. So many people texting on the phone, so much traffic, so much going on. Like, I was completely...

going only 25 miles an hour when somebody T-boned me that wasn't paying attention, that was just in a hurry. And so I would encourage people to really think about what's important to them. For me, people ask me all the time, well, are you going to ride again? And I don't know, you know, I have not had a desire to ride again. Now I take that back and,

I have had a moment of like, oh man, I miss my bike. I'd love to get back on. It's not worth it to me. My family is too important to me. My health is too important to me. Going through 34 surgeries was way too hard to ever think. If anything happened, if I barely went down on a bike again, I would lose my leg and I've worked too hard to save it.

My mom, when I was younger, I was dying for a moped. I was 13, 14. A bunch of kids had them. She wouldn't let me. I'm glad in hindsight that she did. When I was in college, and I mentioned on this podcast already, we did the Eurorail Pass. We're driving around. We're taking trains around Europe. I did that. I remember standing on a street corner.

waiting for the light to turn. And the next thing I knew, and it happened so fast, you almost don't even believe it's happening when you see it. I remember the motorcycle going and I remember a car just running a red light, didn't see it. And the, the, the guy just went flying and I don't know how far he flew in the air. You could hear the thud when it hit him. And it was, it was,

I didn't go over and look at what had happened. Obviously, people rushed over there and there was a big commotion. But I just I see riders in L.A. where you've lived. I see people zooming in and out of traffic. You're going 70 miles per hour and you're going to speed them and people are just flying in between you. Rush hour, they're flying 50 miles per hour.

uh, per hour. I think, you know what? Crazy. Like, I think that because I grew up on dirt bikes and I grew up, I grew up on dirt bikes. My first, uh, available transportation was I had a moped and that's how I got to school. And then I had an eight, a three Harley Sportster. And then my next motorcycle is a 1200 CC Sportster. Uh,

I didn't know because it's what I grew up with. I didn't know that, like how unsafe that it could be. I guess I was always a bit of an adrenaline junkie and, and loved pushing the pace. And I'll never forget. There was one time on sunset Boulevard in California where,

I was at a stoplight right on sunset and there was this Porsche that came up next to me and they were like, you want to race? And I was like, hell yeah, I want to race. And I raced on my, and I won. And I remember doing crazy stuff on my bike. This is before kids when I, you know, you're younger and you're like feeling like you're invincible. Like you don't think about death or harm or I didn't anyway. And,

And I remember going up like PCH at 130 miles an hour, like as fast as my bike would go.

And it was a thrill. It was amazing. I can't imagine doing anything like that now, but I think a lot of it was the fact that I grew up on dirt bikes and I grew up with a note, you know, uh, like a, a scooter that was so cool. It was bright red with a bright red helmet. I always wore a helmet, but, uh,

This accident changed everything for me and for my husband, for sure. My whole family. Yeah. By the way, we have eight minutes. So let's go very quick, maybe two minutes max on these final two questions, if we can, because I want to make sure that we get it in. So after you nearly died on a motorcycle, would you advise people not to ride a motorcycle today, given what happened to you?

Yeah, I would say if you're going to ride a motorcycle, do it in the middle of nowhere with no traffic and wear a helmet. And you know what? Like people are going to do what they're going to do. It's like my husband has my husband hasn't sold his motorcycle. He rarely rides it. I mean, may rarely rides it.

And you can't force anybody to do anything, but you can only offer like your experience to share with them that how bad it can go. When you look back at everything you've been through and nearly dying and the deep despair and depression and having no money,

to where you are today, getting up on stage and doing a Ted talk viewed by a million people and having people follow you on Instagram. What's the feeling when you're up on stage and you're giving back and, you know, people are listening to you and you're changing lives. Oh, thank you. That's such a awesome question. Well, the best part of my whole journey and the reason I do what I do is for connection and, and,

Me being able to get on stage is because I love, ever since I was a little girl, I've loved. When I was a young dancer and I could see people out in the audience that would smile when they would see me dance and I could bring them joy, now it's just...

into something completely different. Now I'm on stage, but I get to share my experience, strength and hope and see how it transforms people's lives. And they get that spark of joy or transformation and being able to connect with them in communities. That's been the most amazing part of my whole journey. So that's what I love about what I get to do. And the reason why I do what I do is because I,

I love the connection with others because for so long I felt so alone in my journey and what I was doing and my struggles and in pain. And when we connect with others and we get to share our experience and go, oh my gosh, me too, I relate with that.

Then together, we're unstoppable. So speaking about being on stage, tell us about Hammer Time and MC Hammer. Oh, my goodness. So that was fun. I moved to California despite everybody saying, oh, you'll never make it as a dancer. Who do you think you are? You are going to be back in two weeks to Texas. Like, LA, Hollywood's going to eat you up.

Well, a month later, I auditioned for the MC Hammer music video and got it. So I got to be on a music video with MC Hammer. And I was like, oh, I've made it. I'm in heaven. It was a 23-hour shoot. And I remember after about 20 hours laying on stage with MC Hammer and his crew going, I can't believe I'm here. This is amazing.

And then afterwards, people in Texas that doubted me go, oh my God, I knew you could always do it. We knew you had it in you. And I was like, so that was like the start of my career as a dancer. And from then it went on to transition.

traveling all over the world dancing and several other music videos with Collective Soul and Melissa Etheridge and so many more. It was so much fun. Before we finish today, I want to go ahead and ask some more open-ended questions. I call this part of my podcast, Fill in the Blank to Excellence. Are you ready to play? Yeah, let's do it. The biggest lesson I've learned in my life is... To trust my gut. My number one professional goal is...

To make the biggest impact I can. My biggest regret in my life is... Not trusting my gut. The one thing I've dreamt about doing for a long time is... Writing my next book. If you could go back in time, what's the one piece of advice you would give to your 21-year-old self? To believe in myself. To stop believing in...

The boyfriend that I had at the time that told me I wasn't good enough, who shamed me for wanting to be a professional dancer and shamed me for wanting to be a fitness instructor, to believe in myself and stop believing my stepfather who abused me and told me I would never amount to anything, to believe in myself and stop believing

believing my stepmom who said I'm making a big mistake and to just believe in myself. I think when we believe in ourself that we can achieve unsurmountable goals. Someone once told me the most powerful words in the English, in the English language, the four most powerful words are, I believe in you. I think it's so important when you have somebody who believes in you telling you that they back you. I think it's,

And you know what? Thank you for saying that because, you know, right before this, I just got off of a call with one of my coaching clients and I had to have a kind of a come to Jesus call with her because I was like, you got to get yourself in gear. And I was like, I believe in you because I really do. I was like, I believe in you. And she's like,

Thank you. Your belief in me means everything. And it does. When you have somebody believe in you, sometimes that's all you need is a little bit of somebody to believe in you before you can believe in yourself. If you could meet one person in the world, who would it be? Brad Pitt. Are you doing anything to try to meet him? No.

I don't know. I haven't really, but maybe if you, Brad Pitt, I'm sure is listening to this episode. I'm sure he is. And I'm sure he's going to want to come. Call me every night, check in with me. Yeah, yeah. We're tight. Yeah. Brad Pitt, I kind of like him. No, I like his sobriety story. Okay. I really think he's hot too. Okay.

The one question. Is that terrible that I say that? It's not terrible. It's not terrible. We all have crushes on certain people. I've got a crush on my Peloton instructor. I mean, she's no longer there, but I was very excited once when, you know, she liked one of my photos. I'm happily married. I love my wife more than anything, but you know.

You're like, oh my God, she liked my photo. I don't think that's bad at all. What's the one question you wish I asked you but didn't? Oh my goodness. Are you kidding me? You ask the best questions ever. Like this has been the most amazing podcast interview. I can understand why people love you and they love your podcast and they

I feel like after this experience that you're a good friend of mine. And so I appreciate you and all your questions. And I just, I really can't, couldn't ask for anything more. You're amazing. Well, that's very kind of you to say. I greatly appreciate that. I do pride myself on my preparation. It's really amazing when people do their prep and

the immediate level of respect that people give you. And I do so much coaching on this and all of my mentees and people I coach all, all know. I just, I preach it. And as I mentioned, I'm writing a book called extreme preparation, but I greatly, greatly, greatly appreciate the compliment. I also feel like we're friends and,

I know we're going to be lifelong friends. I look forward to meeting you in person. You have an amazing, inspirational story. I'm inspired just listening to you and doing all the work. So thank you for being here. I want everyone to go out, listen to your TED Talk, buy your book, and go to your mastermind. So Amberlee, you're awesome. Thanks for being here.

Thank you. And you know what? We need to have you on my podcast with your new book. I'd love to be on it. I'm behind, like I said. We got to shout your book out. So I want to have you on True Grit and Grace to promote your book. When is your book coming out? Probably by the end of next year. I'm way behind, as I mentioned. Okay, well, we'll do it. When it comes out, we'll do it. We'll have everybody...

listen to your interview and I will do lots of preparation, but before then we will have probably hung out in person and had a good time. And yeah, for sure. Take care. And I look forward to speaking soon and meeting soon as well. I appreciate you. Thank you.