E432: The Rejection Complex: Stop Holding Back in Business and Life with Nakeia Homer
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Welcome back to the Boss Babe podcast.

So today's guest, Nakia Homer, I actually discovered in a bookstore. I picked up her book randomly and so many of the words on those pages resonated with me. And I brought the book home and I snapped a picture of one page in particular. And the quote was, she said, I'm just not giving up. The woman I'll be a few years from now is counting on me and the world shifted.

And I posted that and it went so crazy viral. And I just knew not only do I really resonate with her words, but all of our community does. And I have to have an in-person conversation with her. So I'm really excited to be inviting her on the podcast. This was a really beautiful healing conversation. And my hope is,

after you listen to this episode is that you feel really comfortable and confident stepping into the fullest version of yourself.

and doing whatever it takes to do that. Nakia is a best-selling author, a well-being educator, and self-healing guide. She has so many incredible books. And I'm not going to say too much more about her than that because we're going to kick off this interview with her backstory that almost had me in tears.

And so with that, let's dive straight in. This is going to be a good one. Do you remember for you, was there that moment where you thought that's something I can chase? Was there another moment where you thought that could be my way out? There was a woman in an assembly talking to other people like me about statistics.

She said, if you grew up in an environment where there was drug use and alcoholism, if your parents were teenagers, that could be your life. Every single statistic, every circumstance she mentioned, that was my life. I was not supposed to be another generational aspect of my family that just repeated patterns. I didn't want to be in poverty. I also didn't want to be a teen parent.

I didn't want to be a victim of domestic violence because everyone in my life was. And so that was the beginning. That's how I set out to become who I am today, simply by saying, not me, I want to do things differently.

Okay, I'm fangirling. I'm so excited to have you here. I was just telling you, I picked up your book randomly. I think it was in Paper Source, probably in Paper Source, a stationery shop and I was shopping and I just seen the cover of it. I opened one page and I just was like, this is for me and it sits on my desk. I'm obsessed.

I love that you have a new book coming out. We're going to talk about all the things, but I just want to say you are the most incredible writer and it's such an honor to have you here. Thank you so, so much. When I reached out to you, I got in your DMs and I said, the post that you shared from my second book, All the Right Pieces, is going viral. I really appreciate the honest conversations that you have about life, not just business,

and how you're creating a space for not just businesses and, you know, brands to go viral, but also healing. So thank you so much for connecting. I mean, I feel like,

Business and entrepreneurship is the biggest healing journey because it's going to show you everything at such an accelerated pace. Like if there's ever been anything that has shown me what I need to heal, it's my business. Yeah. Life in general, business and relationships for me actually show you who you really are because both require vulnerability depending on what business that you're in. I wrote in my third book, Habits for Healing How,

Someone with the rejection complex probably shouldn't be doing some of the things that I've been doing because I had a lot of issues around not being wanted, not being chosen or not feeling like I was. And so putting yourself out there as a creator, putting your books out there, your brand, your business, it creates an opportunity for rejection. And if you don't heal that first, you'll internalize every no.

you know, every somebody else, not you as an indictment on your character, your personality and who you are. And so definitely, definitely.

I relate to that so much that you call it a rejection complex. I do. Oh, I mean, I had that from such a young age of just not feeling chosen, never feel like I fit in. And it's been so much work to even put myself in a place of rejection, like those protection mechanisms that go up. And I know we definitely have similarities in a lot of our story too. So I have a secret announcement today.

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Can you take me back to childhood and tell me a little bit about how you grew up? Because I think it sets a really beautiful context for what you do now. Yeah. So it's funny because I said, oh, I'm so tired of talking about this.

But I realized that this is literally the foundation of the work that I do in the world and most certainly the work that I've done on myself. My parents were teenagers when I was conceived. My mother was 15 and my dad was 17. And I don't know if you can be a couple at that age, but by the time I was born, they weren't even into each other anymore. Thank God my mother chose to carry me. And I give this, the third book is dedicated to her for wearing all of the things that come with teenage pregnancy.

And one of the decisions that was made for me, and then a decision I made for myself a little later on, was for my grandmother to raise me, my paternal grandmother. So I literally grew up in the home with my dad, my uncle, and my aunt. My grandmother raised me. She was the very first person. I called mom. I also called my mom, mom. And I had a really good relationship. But there's something that's lost in the conversation around foster care and adoption that I

small sect of people, it's not actually that small, the more I talk to other people though, that are raised by their grandparents or an aunt or someone in the family. Because you think, oh, you're with a family member, so you're okay. But that's not always the case. It's often a little more difficult when you have that engagement with your biological parents

And they're not actually your social or your, you know, the people who are raising you as a parent. It creates some cognitive dissonance. And so although later on I knew it was the best thing for me, I struggled with why wasn't I raised by my mom? Why didn't my parents, you know, pull themselves together in a way that would create a space for me in their life?

Why was I so different from everyone else? I was bused eventually from the project. So I grew up in a project, public housing in New Jersey. My grandmother worked up to three jobs just to afford that. And I went to a private school in another city where I was the only minority. Me and my forever friend were still friends to this day. And their lives look so much different than mine. And I felt like it was unfair.

that my life was difficult. I felt like I didn't see the truth of who I was in my environment at home, more so in this fantasy of what life could look like. And so I just started to create this identity that just felt really disconnected from where I was, who I was raised by, and how I was living.

And so I talk about a moment in my life at 10 where there was a woman in an assembly talking to other people like me about statistics. She said, if you grew up in an environment where there was drug use and alcoholism, that could be your life.

If your parents were teenagers, that could be your life and so on and so forth. All the statistics. And I joke about how I was like, first of all, why are you in my business? Why are you telling my business? Every single statistic, every circumstance she mentioned, that was my life. And then secondly, I thought, not me, just not me. I didn't know why I felt like it wasn't me. I've always felt so different.

Even as a child, I talked to my mom yesterday when I was in the airport and she was like, as a young girl, you were just so, you know, connected. I could talk to you and you would get it. I got that I was not supposed to be another generational aspect of my family that just repeated patterns. I didn't know why. But in that moment, I said, not me. And so I set out to do things differently. The only thing I could think about

was what my grandmother always taught me, which is get an education and then I could get a job and I would get out of the hood. Like my idea of success was to get a state job that paid me enough to get a house. I didn't want to be in poverty. I also didn't want to be a teen parent.

I didn't want to be a victim of domestic violence because everyone in my life was. Every woman was a victim and every man was a victimizer. And so that was the beginning. That's how I set out to become who I am today, simply by saying, not me. I want to do things differently. Hmm.

I think that's why I relate to you so much because I just see myself in so much of your story too. You know, my mom was 18 when she fell pregnant with me and I ended up moving in with my paternal grandmother. That's where I, you know, I grew up around substance abuse, domestic violence, all of that. And same thing. I remember my choice point of realizing and choosing to

I will do something different with my life. This doesn't have to be. But then when people often say, where did it come from? I think about the nature versus nurture conversation. And I think a lot of it was my nature, like saying what you're saying. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I just knew I was going to do something different. Do you remember the moment where, so for me, I remember the moment we were in assembly and

It was a careers day and there was all these different people coming in talking about their careers and I was so disengaged. You know, when I had this story that people like me didn't do jobs like that and, you know, police officers and nurses and like all of these professions that I just didn't really know anybody in.

But there was this one woman in particular and it was the last session of the day and she came in and she started telling a story about how she was in a really challenging relationship. She had no freedom, which was my mom. And she ended up leaving and starting a business and having freedom. And I was 13. It was like the light bulb went on for me. And I thought, well, that's the path. That's my freedom.

Do you remember for you, was there that moment where you thought, okay, that's something I can chase? Was it the education or was there another moment where you thought that could be my way out? The only thing that I knew was that it didn't resonate with me. It just didn't. I'm one that has always been very connected spiritually. Like I have a really good relationship with God. My grandmother taught me about God at an early age. And so

Whenever something I call doesn't sit right with my spirit, right? Things just weren't sitting right. And so what I did is if it felt right, I just went in that direction. Literally didn't have like a place I was headed.

Certainly not authorship or online business. I wanted to be eventually I decided I wanted to be a psychologist. I wanted to join the FBI watching all of those shows. My mother actually birthed the love for those shows as a child. I was like, that's it. That's what I'll do. But I just was going wherever something felt the most aligned.

So I could say it was that moment where I said this doesn't align education is the thing because that's what led me to college and certifications and all the things that I've done. But most for me, it was just intuitive. It just didn't sit right. I didn't realize how much of our story was similar. There's something about those children who are raised by grandmothers.

Did you feel very, look at me interviewing you. No, I love it. Did you feel very connected to your grandmother in that way where you were like, my grandmother for me was it. We didn't have the best relationship my entire life with her, but she got me like no one else did. Did you feel seen in that way too? Yeah, still to this day. I mean, she's the person in my family I talk to the most. Wow.

She's always coming out here. I adore her. And from, I mean, so she had boys and she said the day that I was born was the best day of her life because she always wanted a girl. And so I just always had that relationship with her. And I just feel really grateful to have had that because I, you know, being a mom myself and you know,

raising kids is challenging. And I do think about, you know, my mom now when she's around Noemi and that's my daughter and we have conversations, she says, you know, being a grandparent is,

is very very different because I'm I'm older and more mature I get to enjoy it in a different way and so um I just think what a blessing that we get to have those close relationships with grandparents too because she did I mean she'd she'd raise kids she had more patience all the things that I think especially in early motherhood I mean I know I'm still learning absolutely I love that for us

I know. And same thing. She taught me about God from a very young age and just always poured a lot of belief in me. Just always told me, she was like, I don't understand the things that you're interested in, but I know you're always going to do great. And it's just, it's been really sweet to have her in my corner. And so for you, career-wise,

where did you start your career and what unfolded for you when you were kind of just feeling what felt good how did it unfold because I think there's a lot to be said for not exactly knowing what your path is but actually following your intuition and saying yes and opportunities versus just sitting back and saying well when I know I'll go chase that thing because I didn't know and I just had to like keep trying and failing to find it yeah I think that's the best way to do it those who have like

a strong sense of knowing, leave a little room for the divine, leave a little room for a genuine connection and, you know, just ideas and all the things that come with it. But for me, I share in the book, the story of me and my relationship with my teacher, Miss V.

And this was fourth grade. So I had to be around eight or nine. And she pulled me to her desk and was like, you're going to sit here. You're not going to be around those kids. There's something about you. You need to get out of here. And that's how it started. Chills. But then it went from her mentoring me to me advising her. She would come in on Mondays and tell me all about her weekend.

how, you know, a date didn't work out. A friend set her up. It was a blind date. He thought she was ugly. She thought she was ugly. Her parents didn't really, you know, support her decision to work in the inner city sort of, um, you know, situation and not be married at her age. And so I would kind of just give her advice and she would listen. And, um,

I remember doing that for so many people most of my life. I knew there had to be something to my level of being able to see people in the way that I did. And then people listened to me, even my parents, my friends' parents, everyone was always talking to me. So what I did is I just went with that.

If listening is a job that I could do, if giving people advice is something that I could do, I'm going to do that. And so I got my degree in psychology. I worked as a counselor. I worked in corrections. I worked in child protective services. But what I realized a few years, not a few years, I'm kind of old, so...

After working quite a while. Is that there was a different level of care and service I needed to provide for people that would include the story of my life.

I couldn't self-disclose in my jobs. I couldn't say, you know, as to my kids who I was working with, you know, get out of here. And it's possible because I did. You know, you don't have to be a teenage parent like your mom because I did. I had to do it a different way. And my story was a part of my story is a part of the work that I do in the world.

And so whenever people are lost on their journey and they're trying to figure out what do I do? What is my purpose? You know, what am I supposed to do? I always go back to what have you always done?

There's a version of you that is the highest version, that is the most beautiful version. And I'm not talking about looks or money or popularity. I'm talking about where you feel completely like yourself, completely connected and centered in the world and explore that. For me, it is serving others in a way of guidance. It is telling my story to serve other people, even the embarrassing one. And it's having conversations like this.

And so it's in the chapter on remembering who you are, the last chapter in the book. And I talk about that version of us that's always been there. There's nothing wrong with exploring multiple things. I've been everything. I've been a social worker, a counselor, a songwriter, a barista. I've done so many things.

I had an amazing time doing makeup, you know, in my business. I worked with anchors and did video shoots and I just did whatever felt good to me. And I advise people to do that. Do what feels good to you until you are the most aligned version. There is no one way to be yourself. There is no one way to success.

I love that you talk about that and the piece about remembering who you are versus finding who you are. Yeah, there's a difference. I feel like I had the biggest identity crisis ever when I had my daughter. I just had this big realization of, wait a minute, this person I am in this life that I've built, I don't know that it really resonates. And it was not a feeling of going and trying to find myself, but more how do I remember who I am? Like, oh,

underneath all these layers that I've put on because I was trying to overachieve or is chasing so hard to get out of a situation or whatever it was.

But that identity work is really hard. It is. Where does someone even start with that, with uncovering? Like, let's say someone's listening and they're like, yeah, I'm feeling that I don't know who I am, actually. I don't know if I just have been following along the road and it's like I've been a magic carpet ride. And all of a sudden I'm like, wait, who am I? Where do you start with that? You start with the thing that speaks to you the most.

So what happens? So this is my thing. And it's completely going to disrupt what people think about success. We are here to be ourselves. That's our purpose. You know, when we are ourselves truly and really, we identify talents and gifts and skills, right? We fall in love. We build things. We create things. But all of those things, if they're done well and if they're healthy, are a byproduct of us really being in ourselves.

Really standing in our unique stories, our unique essence, right? And what happens is life starts to speak to us when we are not speaking to ourselves, when we are not listening to ourselves. So most people know what they want. They know what they want. They know what they want to do. But it doesn't look like what someone else is doing. I didn't think that I would make money as a speaker or helping other people. So I ran away from it for years. You couldn't pay me. Right?

To think that this was going to get, you couldn't pay me to think that I would get paid at this. That's how crazy it was. And so I ran away from it. When the truth is anything that you do well will be successful. Your version of success though.

Right. So start by listening to yourself. What is really speaking to you in this season? If it's cooking, cook for a while. If it's working out, work out for a while. If it's focusing on your children, do that for a while. When you do that, you are in a space where God and life and your gifts and your talents and your skills can speak to you.

Right. In that moment, in that assembly, I said not me, not because I knew what me at 10 years old was going to be, but because there was a voice inside of me. I remember sitting on the steps. It was three steps that led up to the door and the projects. And I would sit on the top one and I would just stare at life.

Like just looking, I don't know what I was looking for. I don't know what I was looking at, but I was just being still and silent. And that is where wisdom was deposited. When I talked to my teacher and I said, you know, if you, if your parents think you're ugly, this is me at eight or nine, you look like your parents. So they're ugly too. That's what I said to her. And she did exactly what you did, laughed out loud, but it made her think, you know,

Are we all ugly?

something as simple as just being silent enough to hear the truth. That's the, you know, a version of the truth. And so it served me to sit in silence so that I could hear. So to answer your question directly, if you're like, I'm lost, I don't know where to go. Take a few moments during each day for the next seven days and say, who am I? There's a prayer that I pray. Show me who I am so I don't rely on anyone else's opinion of me.

It requires you to be so rooted in the truth of who you are that you believe yourself when you say you are amazing at fill in the blank. That you believe yourself when you say it is absolutely possible for someone like me, a Black girl from the projects to do something other than be just a Black girl from the projects or, you know, a white woman from Minnesota or from the UK. I love the fact that our stories are so similar, but we look so different.

Because then it takes every excuse away from everyone who's believing that they can't. Right? So seven days just asking, who am I? And be open to the answer because life, God, your friends, your community, movies, music, and stories that you'll remember from childhood will be revealed. I love that so much. And I'm just curious for the person listening who, um,

is hearing that and it's resonating deeply and they they know that that answer is going to come but there's a lot of fear around maybe having to slow down or you know maybe they're in a job or they're running a business that just doesn't align with them and they're worried that if they slow down that something won't be on the other side what would you say to that person lies

Lies. There's something that I wrote years ago is that life will tell you that it can't be any different than it already is. And that's a lie. Life can be different than it already is. On the other side of what you are looking at now is a version of you that is so beloved.

and so blessed, and so extraordinary, and so smart, and so wise, but life has been speaking to you, and you've been listening to life instead of your own voice. One of the things that happens when we experience trauma, especially in childhood, is that we feel completely out of control of our lives, because we are.

Adults are deciding for us. Society is deciding for us. You know, social norms are the norms and not what we deem as relevant and aligned with ourselves. And layers upon layers of everyone else's opinions and projections are put onto us.

But if we would just sit for a moment and give ourselves the opportunity to be open to something different, just stay open for a moment. That's when the truth will come in. And again, you have to be open to it looking differently than it did. Everyone in my family looks different than I do. I remember when I told my grandmother I was leaving social work to create music. She was like, what? And then I did it and we would be in her minivan.

listening to our songs on the radio. And she would still go, when are you going to use that psychology degree? Right? Because it didn't look like what she thought it was going to be. And I had to tell her before she transitioned, like, granny,

When are you going to stop asking me? But look at me now using my degree to do other things. But I was just as successful. And so there are lies that we buy into that we have to start speaking truth to power to. And usually they are based on limiting beliefs. It's just someone else's idea of you.

Which isn't always a bad thing. My grandmother wanted what was best for me. I was building a new business in an area that me and her, neither one of us knew anything about. And so she was just worried that things weren't going to turn out right. Sometimes people are projecting their worries, their anxiety, their doubt. It didn't turn out right for them.

You know, things didn't go as planned. Relationships were a mess and life was a mess and health was a mess and all these messy parts of their lives that they don't want you to have to experience. And so once again, in the book, I talk about checking the source when someone is projecting onto you.

Do they have what it takes to give you that opinion? Like for real, do they know for real? Like does granny know for real? Does your mom know for real? Your siblings, do they really have a clue? Especially when you're starting a new business. Have you ever told someone an idea you had for, I know you have, because I actually know a part of your story, but for real.

for a business and they're like, what? Or they're laughing or whatever. Sometimes they have to see it to believe it. Sometimes you have to see it to believe it. So again, just give yourself, I'm all into objectives, which have, it's different than a goal. So objectives have a timeframe. It has actual plan attached to it. You'll go in and you'll do some edits, seven days, seven months, just do it differently for six months and see what happens. I love this so much. And so speaking of your book,

Which I'm obsessed with habits for healing. It's incredible. There's a couple of chapters that I've bookmarked because I'm like, wait, I am not going to escape the chance to talk to you about this in person. So there's two parts. The first one that I want to talk about that I haven't really heard talked about is the habit of lowering expectations.

I hear a lot about raise your expectations. I don't hear a lot about lower expectations. Can you talk a little bit about that? Yeah. So a lot of times with expectations, we are projecting on to other people and other things what we hope the outcome will be, what we would do if we were in this situation, what we're hoping the situation will turn out to be. And it doesn't always align with reality.

Right. So in the book, I talk about how I expected my dad to be a version of himself that he used to be when I was little. Before addiction, before life, before all of the things that he struggled with came into play, he was that version. But we can't ignore the reality of what had happened to him and his experiences. And so it wasn't until we were standing at my wedding reception.

years and years and years later that I realized he literally just can't meet my expectations. And all the years before then, I thought he wouldn't. I was internalizing it, believing that I wasn't good enough. He was a jerk. You know, I had the worst dad in the world. We were tussling for years and he cried, which he doesn't do. For the second time, the first time we were having another conversation about his addiction. And it was in that moment of empathy that I realized

My expectation has to meet his capacity. And so the book, when I end the book, when I talk about lowering your expectations, I'm talking about acceptance, right? Witnessing what is a reality for us in business and life and love and our health.

based on our resources and really aligning our expectations to meet the capacity that we're in. This is the thing I love about a conversational capacity. You can increase your capacity. Capacity changes. It's just about accepting and matching the expectation to the actual capacity in the moment.

Right. Because there were days where my dad actually did show up for me, where he called and saying happy birthday on my answering machine. Every first day of school, he called and wanted to find out what happened for the kids. That was an increase in his capacity. He increased in his capacity for me and the family in those moments during times when he was sober and able. And I expected that. And then in the times when he didn't, I didn't. It's about acceptance. And the same for ourselves.

Right. We have these high expectations of ourselves. So this is the other thing before I move on. It's about adjusting your expectation and meet the capacity. So sometimes we have to lower it and then sometimes we have to raise it. So people like us who are born from what would be considered dysfunctional or broken families, there's an expectation for us that we raise. Right. So you just have to adjust it to meet the reality of the situation and the person.

And have you been in situations where, you know, you went and studied psychology, you learned so much about trauma and you probably got a chance to look at your parents and

have thoughts and feelings as to why they turned out the way they did. Have you ever had that feeling where you want to jump in and fix and you just have to step back with acceptance? Because that's challenging. It is. And how do you navigate that? It is. There's another chapter in a book called Minding Your Business.

And this was my ode to myself healing from codependency. So when you are in an environment where your emotional needs aren't met, you may learn to not meet your own needs. You also learn to meet the needs of other people. And so having a dad who was dependent on substance made me be abandoned emotionally by him, but then also made me feel responsible for him.

So there were times where, not just times, like most of our lives together, I tried to save him. I talk about, he transitioned in 2020. I talk about how I woke up every day just praying he wouldn't die. I worried my entire life that this would be the end of him. And I would try to rescue him. I would try to save him. And I did that for other family members and friends. And what ended up happening is more self-betrayal.

Because I thought it was them victimizing me. I thought it was him letting me down. I thought it was him hurting me and not living up to my expectations or for myself and our relationship and for him. When the truth is, I was letting myself down. So the key to healing that need to rescue other people is to prioritize rescuing yourself.

When I decided to parent, reparent myself, to be there to protect myself, I realized that putting myself in a position where I was constantly being worried about him and constantly being hurt and scarred emotionally by his choices, that I was actually injuring myself and I needed care. So I gave myself the care he couldn't give me and he couldn't give himself. And it actually healed our relationship.

Because now he didn't feel like every time he looked at me, he was just letting me down.

Now he felt like, okay, in this moment of sobriety, she's going to let me in and I want to be there. And it changed the narrative of our relationship because it wasn't always bad then. So if you're struggling with someone and they are living a life that is outside of their, you know, what you think their capacity is or your expectation with them for them would be, I would say live your best life.

Let them see the reality of prioritizing your health, your well-being and yourself. And sometimes that can be a motivating factor. I talk about how you'll be surprised what people can do if you don't do it for them. But you'll also be surprised what you can do if you focus all your effort and energy and be that same person that you are for other people to yourself.

Was that something that came naturally or that you had to learn to be able to pour that energy inward? Like, were you very much a caretaker and always looking out for everyone else? Did that come naturally? Because I know for me, it definitely didn't. It didn't. One of the things I struggle with still to this day and I work through is self-care because self-sacrifice is so easy for me.

to do everything for the benefit of other people. And there's a conversation that we need to have when we do that. What are you really after? Are you after service of others? Or are you trying to heal the trauma of not having someone serve or be there for you? And that was my reality. We have to examine our intentions.

to make sure that it's best for us and our greater good. And it's still something I have to work on, especially because there's a beautiful part of me who loves being there for other people and needs to be. But now I have guidelines. I have boundaries. I have conversations around my own needs, and I still struggle with it. I talk about how

Often when it comes to self-care and self-preservation, we do what we see done. And so we don't have these lessons around prioritizing yourself and your well-being and not doing things at your own expense. My grandmother was like, give the shirt off your back, every penny in your bank account. And she transitioned in poor health. You know, she didn't have a legacy that she could have had of wealth because she was a brilliant cook.

And she had a business and she gave that up because someone else needed her. And I saw self-sacrifice. And it was a conversation with my daughter when I said to her, what do you think I can do better? And I was thinking as a mom, she was going to say, oh, take me more places and buy me more things. And she said to me at just 12, maybe 13 years old, be less selfless. I couldn't believe it.

She saw me sacrificing and doing things that she thought was at my expense. So she was like, do stuff for yourself. Buy yourself something. Go where you want to go. Do your thing. Like all you care about, all you do is do for others. Do for yourself. So she inherited some of your wisdom then. Clearly. She did, but she is the best of me. Like homegirl with self-care. Like nobody's business. Yeah.

I think that's beautiful. And the conversation around reparenting, I love that you brought your own parenting journey into it because I know for me, you know, my healing journey started in my 20s and learning all about reparenting. But wow, has it been accelerated since becoming a parent?

because I look at certain ways that I raise my little girl and it heals part of my little girl too, which is wild. I mean, just seeing that unfold. So I'm curious for you, how was that experience transitioning into parenthood? Maybe with a self-sacrifice, was that something you just felt like you had to do to be a good mom? How did that show up? Yeah, so I was absolutely projecting my childhood onto my kids.

You know, I want it to be everything that I didn't have and give them everything I didn't get. And that's a trauma response. And that's passing down more trauma. And so I had to have a conversation with myself about, again, why am I doing this? Is this really about my kids or is it really about little me? Am I serving my family by creating anxiousness around how they're doing? Like, no one ever asked me how I was doing when I was a kid.

And I think that we need to ask children more about how they're doing, like for real. So I did it every day.

Every day, every time there was something going on in the world, every time I watched a movie and it was a good subject that I needed to address. And I was projecting anxiety and worry. And I realized that. And so I said, OK, where did this come from? What does this see through therapy? Most recently, I did some work around that. But yeah, it's always a journey. But I love how healing parenthood has been for me.

Because when I made decisions to have children, I also made decisions to be the type of parent, and I say this often, where I didn't have a child that needed to sit on the other side of a couch one day as an adult and heal for me. I just wanted to do better. And not for little me, but for little them. So that conversation at 12 really sparked a new level of healing for me. I thought I was doing the work, child.

I thought I was doing my thing. I thought I was healing. And then my daughter was like, another level. And so I took it to another level and they invite me in on another level. Like my son, when he comes home from school and I can help him with school, my daughter was brilliant. She didn't need me. My son loves me. And so he's like, I need you. And I'm like, I can be there for you because you're asking me to. And not just because no one was there for me. And that's healing.

I really appreciate you sharing too that conversation with your daughter because I know for me

and I know this is a big thing in my community of moms who are in the early stages of motherhood, I didn't grow up with a mom that had a big career. And so I often project my own fears onto my relationship with my baby of, is she gonna grow up and resent me? And like, because I'm having this big career and it's so amazing for you sharing that perspective of when she was 12, turning around and saying, be more selfless.

Like, I just think that's such a great perspective. What do you think about that, about women that still want to have those big careers, but also still want to

make sure they're not sitting opposite the you know child on a couch healing from their childhood it takes me right back to the conversation we were having earlier about the voice inside of you speaking about speaking to you about who you are if there's a voice inside of you as a mom speaking to you to do more to be more to create a space and to carve out a meaningful space and i

And I feel this in the court, in your family, for yourself and in your life for yourself. You need to do it right. There is a thing called harmony that I love. And as a former music creator, I love the conversation around harmony versus balance.

There have been years where, like, let's just talk about writing the last book, where I had to be in my cave writing and I couldn't be there for my kids the way I wanted to. But the reason my kids didn't suffer is because when I am there for them, I'm there.

They don't see me missing. They see me working. They are my biggest champions. And one day I hope that they see the possibility of someone little in their lives, if they choose to, championing them as well. My daughter wants to be a scientist. I am not a scientist.

But I cheer that on in a world where it's a male-dominant field. You don't hear about women doing very well in there. And she had a teacher. She's in her second year of school that really challenged her on it. But seeing me carve out space in my life and in our lives gives her what she needs. And so your kids need to see you winning.

They need to see you happy. They need to see you successful. It's not what you say. It's what they see. Clearly, my daughter saw a need for me to be less selfless. If my 12-year-old is seeing that, so is yours. And then I always talk to clients about what did you know, excuse me, and what did you remember when you were little? We think our kids don't know anything and that they're not seeing anything, but they know you're sacrificing yourself.

They see you envying your friends and the other people and are looking at you and thinking, I wish mom would just do her thing. Again, just try it out. Try doing your thing for a little while and watch how positively it impacts your children. Yeah, such a powerful reflection. Even when you are that young age, you can always think back and realize how aware you were of all the things. There's another chapter in your book, maybe my favorite,

Because it was one of the harder lessons for me to learn. And it was the habit of confrontation. And for me, my goodness, one of the biggest things that I've had to heal and has changed my life

is people pleasing and not going into confronting situations because I didn't wanna like ruffle feathers. I didn't wanna upset someone. I just would people please. And what it meant for me was I built resentment in important relationships.

And it gets to a certain point where you have to add that resentment and sometimes the relationship's still there and sometimes it's not. But I had to learn the hard way that avoiding confrontation was doing nobody any favors. So can we talk about that? That's a big one. - It is. And when I was thinking about what to name the chapter, I went back and forth about labeling it the habit of confrontation because confrontation gets a bad rap. And what I'm doing is just inviting you to have a conversation.

I'm inviting you to meet your own needs. I'm inviting you to feel safe and supported in your relationships, in your business, in whatever situation you find yourself in. Because the years and the moments of letting things slide are over. When you let things slide at your expense, you become bitter.

You become petty. You become resentful and all the things we don't want to experience in our relationships. If you just have the conversation, you can heal resentment. You can heal all of the negative emotions that come up. And this is the thing, even though we're not having a conversation, we're really having it.

Our attitude is speaking for us, right? Our bodies, we feel it physiologically. It's coming up. Your partner knows you're not as connected as you were. Everyone knows something's going on. They're whispering at the family dinners. So you may not say it with your mouth, but you are saying it with your attitude and with your body. So just go ahead and let it out, right? It's an invitation to just, again, feel safe and supported. I don't see boundaries negatively. I think it gets a bad rap.

Having a conversation about what can happen to support you and to make you feel safe and see in your relationship should not be a bad thing. I don't believe I should censor myself with someone I'm sleeping next to at night. If you are having an issue with having a boundary conversation with your beloved, there's an issue, right? We trade, you know, all types of things with people, but not our truth.

So, it's not the boundary. It's the thing. It's the thing you're not saying that is the issue. And I like to have a confrontation with someone or confront something in my life in a loving way. So, if I start a conversation with my partner about, I don't know, not supporting me in my business and helping her out around the house, and I say, "Hey, babe, you've been doing really well in business this year. I love that for you."

And I would love that for me too. What do you think about, you know, X, Y, or Z? There's a difference between that and you don't help around the house and I feel like I'm not supported and you don't see me and I'm tired of these kids. It's a different conversation. By the time you're doing that, it's too late to set a boundary. For me, boundary is preventative. If I have the conversation first, then I don't have to have the attitude later. No, let's just be honest. People will cross your boundary.

They will say, I know you need this to feel safe and seen. I know you want to do well in your business as a year, but I need, I need, I need. At that moment, it's on you to decide if the nature of your relationship needs to change, not your boundary. That's so powerful. And how do you think about that with

friends and business partners and family members maybe you know not that that personal relationship but maybe it's more professional and you feel like you're constantly sidestepping your boundaries or maybe you're in friendships where you're always walking on eggshells and

And maybe someone's listening to this because I just know for me, it's been a thing listening to this and like, okay, I'm I there's one relationship that comes my mind and I know I need to change it. Where do I begin if I've already had that resentment, that bitterness things start to build again, if you're at a point where you're so fearful to set a boundary, it's already too late to just start with the boundary.

So I would say start with some self-care where you're asking yourself, okay, why am I in a position in a relationship with someone who I allow to do this to me? Where am I in my walk with myself and my spiritual walk in my alignment with my purpose and calling that I would be here? And it's not an indictment on you because at that point you get to see, you know, the last couple of years was difficult. I was going through grief.

Or, you know, when my mom transitioned, it brought up some trauma from my childhood that I didn't get to see. And so we get to have other conversations from the book like self-forgiveness.

We get to have personal accountability conversations. And so sometimes it's not good to start just with the boundary. I would say that the next thing after you go through the self-care, the self-forgiveness, the personal accountability, ask yourself, what do I need moving forward? And start there. I need to not be fearful to have these conversations in my friendships.

So maybe I don't end this friendship. Maybe I look for new ones and crowd out the old relationship. You know, we don't always have to cut everyone off. With my dad, I never cut him off completely. Sometimes I just had to limit the time I spent with him.

Right. He was still my dad. He was still my elder. You know, so constantly talking about how he was a drug addict wasn't going to help us. He knew that. And so having a boundary about I don't want you to do this or I don't want you to call when you're high or whatever. I just didn't answer the phone. And when I didn't answer the phone, he sobered up and called again. And then I answered.

another thing that i loved is with my grandmother when she was alive she loved to call me in the morning and have all of these conversations that old people have you know this person died this person's going to the home and

I'm on my way to work, beloved. I can't talk to you about this. And I told her in the morning, I really can't have these conversations. But that's what old people do. So I didn't indict her for talking about what her and Aunt Sadie talks about. What I did is stop answering the phone. Literally, I saw my grandma's beautiful face pop up on the phone. I didn't answer. And then she called later and I answered.

in the afternoon or in the evening. And so she said a couple of times, like, I called you, but you didn't answer. So I said, I call you in the evening. I didn't even have to have a boundary conversation. My behavior, because we are responsible for our own boundaries. A boundary when we're talking to someone else is a suggestion. Can you help me, hon? Is a suggestion.

Right. It's an offering for her or a request for help. But ultimately, they decide what the person on the other end of the boundary has boundaries as well. Right. So it's our obligation to honor our own boundaries. So when I didn't answer the phone, she stopped calling that time of day and started calling when I answered and I never had to chastise her. I just honor my boundary.

So again, I started with what do I need? I need mornings where I'm meditating, where I'm listening to the Boss Babe podcast or reading a Nakia book to get myself ready for my day. I can't answer the phone, so I don't. And what about in the situations where you have like, oh, I feel bad, come up?

Because I know this is a big thing for me. Oh, I don't really want to do that, but I feel bad. Oh, I don't really want to do that, but I feel like I should. How do we handle that? Like in a voice of I feel bad, I feel bad, feel bad, feel bad. That's because you're a kind person. That's because you are a loving person. That's because you are considerate of other needs. Allow that feeling of guilt or feeling bad to flow through you and then remind yourself that you are not doing it to hurt someone.

You are doing it to help you. You are not doing it to chastise someone. You're doing it to make the relationship better. I think that we need to get acquainted with more than just joy in our lives. Some of us are like, Nakia, I am meeting joy for the first time. But life is about all of the emotions.

even the ones that don't feel so good, what makes us who we are and is a testament to our healing is when we're able to respond to all of the emotions as the most aligned versions of ourselves. So I felt bad sometimes looking at the phone. I felt bad when I wasn't able to answer my friend's calls while I was going through grief over the past four years.

I feel bad for turning down invitations. I'm here now with you instead of being at home with my son during tryouts, right? But that's a part of our experience as businesswomen and mothers.

When I get home, he's going to know I'm there. And he called me last night and was like, are you having a good time? When is the show? That's what he called it. And he understands because I'm being who I am in the most aligned way. So feel bad. It's okay. You can handle it.

I think that's such a beautiful response and I haven't really heard that before of like, well just feel it. Just feel what you're feeling and not making it wrong or not needing to bypass it or like finesse it in any kind of way. Just feel bad and move on. Yeah. That's beautiful. So I want to talk about your multiple books but your career as an author because you have had so many different versions of your career and

when did you realize or decide to accept that you're such an incredible writer and bring all of your skills together in this way because your books are just phenomenal? Thank you so much for saying that. I'm still seeing it. So I call an accidental writer. My book, my third book went to auction. And when I had meetings about who was going to buy the book, they're like, you know, where'd this come from this career? I didn't,

I didn't set out to be an author. Once again, I was just doing what felt good to my spirit. But more importantly, I was doing what I needed to do to survive. So I hope this helps was written during the nights when I couldn't sleep because I was crying, missing my grandmother and my dad. And then I wrote and shared it on social media. And some of them went viral, like

I pray you heal from things no one's apologized for. That was me talking about my dad who died without ever really making amends for the life that he created for me and the issues that we had together. And then I talked about you are not lazy, unmotivated or stuck after years of living your life in survival mode. You are exhausted. There's a difference.

that was me in the middle of the night feeling like i was lazy and unmotivated you know i was just trying to figure out my life and when i shared it and other people felt seen i said okay there's something to this my first book was just something i was going to give my siblings and my cousins

Just a tribute, you know, to us having a rough year. And then I published it for the world and it resonated. And so I thought this is not in service of myself and my family. This is in service of others as well. And while I was promoting the first book, I had meetings about the second book. And so all, no, yeah, all the right pieces on my second. And that's how we found each other through that book. And you see how...

it connected us in a way where we weren't connected before and allowed us both to be seen in those moments. Again, I'm just doing the work that helps me heal and it's something that is of service to me and it ends up being of service to others. That is the truth of purpose. When you are living as the most aligned version of yourself, your gifts show up in ways that

that you will not believe. If you are still lost, like we talked about earlier and wondering, who am I? What is this life? Who are you? And what is your life? Like really answer the question. And then the third book again happened while I was promoting the second. I just keep showing up, just showing up to whatever it is that God has for me and wherever it is that people need me. If I'm called, I'm going to show up.

And such a testament to, to when you are fully yourself, serendipity happens. And it's just amazing that, you know, you, you publish the book and then it goes viral. And I mean, yeah, just a huge testament to yes, to serendipity, but being on your purpose and being so good at what you do. How do you handle the copycats? Because you have many. Yeah.

That was hard for me. And I actually called a mutual friend of ours, Mel Robbins. And I was like, somebody put this out, blah, blah, blah. And she was like, girl, people don't put stuff out all the time. People say stuff all the time. And I said, you're right. I had to release the fact that I don't own this work. It's not for me. It's for others.

to have and to use or whatever. It doesn't mean that I don't check people because I do. I get it. I get in their DMs or I send letters because my words are on bags, t-shirts, everything. But I wasn't publicizing my work at the time.

So it actually highlighted where I was hiding myself. And so even when I write songs, like I used to get mad about one artist wanting this song over another. And I remembered, I'm the writer. Just write another one. Right. So be about your business for sure. Handle it. If someone is stealing your stuff, because that is not flattery. That is outright stealing. And I'm going to check you on it.

But also remember that there is more to you out there that you have to put out there and it will come release the outcome. Well, I'm so excited for you. I'm so grateful that you came on the show because truly I'm just such a big fan of your work. Like,

truly such a big fan this book is freaking incredible habits for healing um can you name your other books as well and where people can find because I honestly yes this one's amazing but I am I think people should get all of them and have them on their desk because I have your book on my desk and just whenever I need a reminder or I want a journal prompt or anything I flip to a page and

And there's just always something there that speaks to me. So I just think everyone should get all of them. But can you share the different titles and where they can find them, please? Sure. So my first book, I hope this helps, is Everywhere Books Are Sold. And then there's All the Right Pieces, my second book. And then Habits for Healing, my third, the one that's out in the world right now. Reclaim Your Purpose, Your Peace, and Your Power.

Amazing. And where can everyone find you on social? I'm everywhere at Nakia Homer. I just want to say one thing before we end, because I really feel like they're your listeners are there and they're thinking to themselves, well, how do I get from this to that? You know, your version of that. I used to get pulled out of school, out of class for special ed readings.

So when you said earlier, what if you don't know what's on the other side of it? Who knew that an author would be on the other side of being pulled out of class all those years ago, right? Who knew? When you just talked about three books, it made me think of that little girl who was pulled out. I still haven't internalized that I have three books out there. You may not know what's on the other side. Today's conversation is just an imitation for you to be open to it.

So just be open. Your opportunity is coming. And thank you for sharing your story too. That was so inspiring to hear that I wasn't alone, that someone else had a teenage mom, someone else was raised by their grandmother. And look at us. Look at us.

We're doing it. We're doing it. And it's going to be more, much, much more to your story. I can't wait to witness it. Likewise. I'm so, so grateful that you came on the show. And so I love that you shared that piece. And I just, I'm thinking about the person that is hearing all of this and they're hearing, okay, there's something on the other side and there's just so much fear around what if it doesn't work out? What's one thing that you would leave them with? It may not.

It may not work out, but I also have another prayer. Another affirmation is that it's going to work out better than you think. I thought I was going to be Nakia in the FBI, but now I'm Nakia who's writing words and using the gift that God gave me to help people not commit suicide. That's so big.

to help people to start businesses. I just got an email from a client who said, I bought a house, met a man, sold my house, moved across the country, started another business. I mean, there was so much out there. It may not work out for you. It's not about whether it works out or not. It's about who you become in the process.

You're witnessing who I have been becoming. I'm not a total success yet. I don't have a million followers on social media. I don't have millions and millions of dollars in the bank yet. I'm successful because I am me. And in the process of building me, if it doesn't work out the way I think, it'll work out better. That's beautiful. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me.

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