360. Boundaries, Inner-Work That WORKS + Setting Yourself Free From “Over Responsibility”
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The relationship between ambition and freedom is to let your ambition guide you to just the things that you do well and just the things that only you can do and figure out along the way where you have to say no and you have to put a boundary up. Is this the right thing for us to be spending time on right now? Is this the right place for me to be? And that's actually where you get set free. It's not from doing everything. It's from doing just select things really, really well that are in full alignment and full authenticity.

Lindsay, you know what I'm fucking sick of right now? What? Over-responsibility. Oh my god, tell me more. I feel like we need a good little mini therapy session today because we're both all fired up about stuff. I'm like, okay, let's just get on a pod and hammer this out because these are the real conversations we have every single freaking day. And I'm like, people need to hear what we're going through. Oh my god, I feel... Okay, so I was just texting back and forth with one of my Capricorn friends, also called Natalie, and...

She was just asking me if I've been feeling stuff this week. And I'm like, yes, what's going on? And she was saying, I mean, and I think this applies to Capricorn, yes, but generally to entrepreneurs and high achieving women, mothers, you name it, all of the things we all are. And Natalie said, the over-responsibility is a big one for our overall life lessons and growth. And it's one of the hardest things for us to let go of because it stems from feeling more safe when we are responsible for something and in control of it versus others.

anyone else and we trust ourselves but there's also like a big heaviness in that as well so it's been such a big learning for me over the last couple years to let go of over responsibility I mean in so many different ways like feeling over responsible for someone else's feelings if they're not willing to go and do the work

why am I taking responsibility for their emotions? Like if they cannot go and process their emotions themselves, why should I take responsibility for not being able to share my emotions because theirs are bigger than mine? That's been a huge, huge one. You know, jumping in to do other people's jobs because I...

you know, it's not happening and I want it to get done. So I just take extra responsibility and jump in and do it. Going along with what other people want so I don't upset them, even though it's so not aligned with what I want. I feel like I'm yelling at you. But do you know what I mean? Like,

There's so much over, like I do think high achieving women. And I think, especially if you're running your own business, we like control. It's a problem. Yeah. Better at saying no to things that are enough for us. We need to get better at knowing when someone else's emotion is fully their responsibility or their reaction. Their projection is their responsibility. And we do not need to be losing sleep over their reaction. And actually we get to surround ourselves with people that do their own fricking work and,

Can't tell you how many times I've learned that lesson. Right. Oh my God. So many. Come on one. No, I know. And I think like I'm your biggest cheerleader and agree or two, because I often feel this way. And it was like the whole premise of mother load was this exactly what you said. It's like, we feel more safe as mothers when we're in control of everything. And that's part of what makes the mother load so heavy is like, I wish I could delegate this to you.

But I don't feel safe to delegate it to you because it's too scary for me to give up control over something that might harm my child, you know? So like there's all this psychology around motherhood in that. But I think...

what's interesting to talk about with it, because I am sure the heads are nodding, listening to us is, okay, so then Natalie, like when you're feeling that way, and the people pleasing tendency comes up or saying no and meaning no and being like, deal with it to the other person. And all of like, like, how do you manage your nervous system through days like today, where you're just like, everything is bothering me. And like, like, I feel like I have to do everybody's job for them. And why can't you just follow like, I shouldn't

I shouldn't have to jump in on your job. I shouldn't have to correct you on the way you do your job after I've given you explicit instructions on how to do it. I shouldn't overhear you say something that makes my skin crawl and I have to go fix it. You know, like these are things that I shouldn't have to do, but are very common that we do have to do as mothers, as business owners, as partners to spouses and stuff. And it's like, okay, we can't change other people's behavior. All we can do is control our own. So when you're having one of these like overstimulated, over-responsible days,

What do we do and how like not that we're perfect at doing it, but what are the tools that we know and what are the tools that you want to grow into? Because I feel like that's like where the interesting learning comes is like, what have you seen out there that other people do where you're like, I need to get better at that in order to manage this demand on my energy or this demand on my focus?

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boss babe that's 15 off at masterclass.com slash boss babe masterclass.com slash boss babe well i would say i haven't had a day where it's been like a lot of over responsibility today like lots of things coming up but i feel like i am closing a really big chapter in my life of over responsibility i felt like last year i was closing a big chapter on people pleasing but there was still some leakage and

which was over-responsibility. And this year I'm closing a chapter on over-responsibility. I just have felt activated on that this week, not because of specific people or instances that have come up, but because I'm starting to become really aware of what I do and don't want in my life. And I think when you have friends in your life that do the work or you have partners that

employees that do the work, it shows you a lot of what you do want more of and what you're no longer going to tolerate.

you know we made some team changes last year and that was a big thing and there's just a lot of that so that's what I feel like I'm doing is I feel like I'm really closing that chapter and for me it's definitely quite hard to change those patterns because it's so ingrained in me to jump in to just take extra load on to take the reins to take control and I do care about people's feelings I of course never want to upset anyone so

Whenever I'm like being clear on a boundary or being clear on what's not working for me, I try and do my own work first and really think about how I'm going to say it.

And even just last week, I had to have a conversation about something I didn't want to do. And I didn't want to hurt that person's feelings. But instead of doing a voice note or a call where I felt like my words might get a little bit muddy, I typed everything out and I reread it. And I just made sure like, is my side of the street fully clean here? And am I leading with an open heart? That part is really important to me. Like when I look up to people that I admire and the way that they do life or business, they do it with an open heart.

and they do it with a curiosity, not a judgment. And they do it in a soft way, even being direct. I think there's a way to be very clear and direct in an open hearted way. And so that's kind of the lens that I put my messages through is I will try and type something out versus just hopping in the moment to say it. And I do feel like that really helps, but it's a lot of

The hard work I think is rewriting the patterns internally. Like when you maybe have been brought up being the resourceful one or the responsible one that's in your head as a way to stay safe. So that's what you default to, or at least I'm saying you may, that's what I would default to. Yeah, no, same. I think that we've talked about this a lot, but the, like the generational expectation of like our generation was like, you can do anything. And we read it as we should do everything. And then when we can't do everything, we're like,

Or we take everything on and then we get overburdened and over we're in over responsibility and then we blame ourselves for letting people down and it's like no it's because you can't do all of these things well like you're not letting people down you just like don't have capacity to do everything, but then it feels somehow it gets like read as internal shame instead of just.

a boundary that gets to be created or no meaning no. And, and I think it's interesting you brought in freedom and we talk so much about freedom. And I think that's like the last little bit of this, as we were talking offline, that's so important around over-responsibility is I think there's this misunderstanding with ambition and wanting to go make something of yourself that like in order to achieve at the level that a lot of us want to achieve so that we can be free, the

The answer to that level of ambition is like just working so hard and taking responsibility for everything and doing it all and not letting a single thing drop.

And we've both been in that phase in our lives and it hasn't worked out, you know, and it's like this huge aha moment and awakening to go, oh, the relationship between ambition and freedom is to let your ambition guide you to just the things that you do well and just the things that only you can do and figure out along the way where you have to say no and you have to put a boundary up or you have to communicate really, really directly with curiosity and all of that to say, it's not going to work.

is this the right thing for us to be spending time on right now? Is this the right place for me to be? And that's actually where you get set free. It's not from doing everything. It's from doing just select things really, really well that are in full alignment and full authenticity. And that is a hard pattern to change because I think so many of us, our reward system is based on the pride that we get from being able to do so many things. And it's like, it's very hard to unwind that and go, I'm only gonna do a couple of things and I'm gonna trust that those are gonna be done so well

And so satisfyingly that that's where the intrinsic reward and hopefully the extrinsic reward will come from. But to have that level of trust goes back to safety. Like a lot of it doesn't always feel safe to trust that if we let some stuff go, we're going to be okay. So yeah, so it's a big topic. And I know we talk a ton about mindset and stuff, but I feel like this is a good place for a lot of people to jump into inner work to really look at

Where am I feeling over responsibility right now in my business, in my life, in my relationships, with my own relationship to self? And where can I look at boundaries again? Where can I say no? Where can I be more curious and more open hearted and more direct? Like we talk about directness a lot, right? Like where can I just be more direct with people and say what I mean and save myself from eight more rounds of uncomfortable conversations, you know? And what is my...

true freedom. You know, what do I really want? What does freedom really mean to me? And how is my over-responsibility limiting my freedom right now? And then

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In alignment, if you are saying yes to things you don't want to say yes to, if you're doing things that you don't want to be doing out of fear of upsetting someone or letting someone down, I'm going to go ahead and say you're probably feeling over-responsible. That's what over-responsibility looks like. It looks like not being in alignment with you, your desires, your wants, your truth. That is over-responsibility and it is so common for women. More than men. It really is more common for women.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we see it all the time in CEO mama, really, really common for moms and women in general. And I also feel like there's this twinge of taking care of other people. And it's funny because I just had this thought this morning between one of our Zooms, like my parents are aging, like they're, my dad's retired. My mom's about to retire. They're

they're starting to like not be able to generate income, you know, and they have to rely on their retirement. And this is a whole conversation cycle that is so interesting to me because I can't imagine ever retiring, but maybe I'll change my mind when I'm 65. But, you know, and they're both like, oh, I just don't have enough in my retirement. Like this whole dialogue about not having enough in retirement. And my whole thing is like,

I just want you to live your life. Like you don't have to work anymore. Like go enjoy your life. Like the money will be fine. I'll take care of you. And then I'm like, well, could I really take care of them? Like, I don't know what their living expenses are. And so it started this whole cycle in my mind of like, I do want to help my parents like live out their final years or decades in a way that

doesn't feel stressful to them and doesn't feel stressful to me. But my mind immediately went to like, oh, do I have enough money for that? Like I just bought a house. Like do I have enough money to take care of my parents? And I was like, whoa, scarcity, like, whoa. So where's this boundary of responsibility? And this is my own work that I need to do is like, I'm not responsible to take care of them. Like there's no implied I have to, but I want to. And so it's also asking that question of like, where's taking care of other people in your life? Like your kids, your family, whatever it might be.

where is that something that you get to do and you want to do that does feel like freedom? Because you're like, I can free them. I want to free my mom from stress about money. That would be such a generational unlock for me. But I could see that very quickly turning into over-responsibility where now I'm responsible for her livelihood. So it's two sides of the same coin. And because it came up for me, I'm like, I wonder other people who have aging parents and

where you're the first one in a long line of people to make a lot of money. And it's like, whoa, okay, there is some responsibility here, but I don't want to make too much of it to the point where it becomes negative, where it starts to feel burdensome and spins me out into scarcity. So I'm in the same work. And I wanted to share that because these are new thoughts I've never had before. And I'm like, man, this could very quickly turn to feeling responsible for their livelihoods and their happiness and their retirement. That does not feel

or expansive or free to me at all. Oh, so good. So good. I'm so glad we're just like talking about what we were just like, should we just turn on our microphones? Cause I feel like we need to have a conversation about this. And I'm just glad we're talking about stuff. Cause like you said, this is the perfect place to start that inner work and get really clear on, okay, what are my actual desires? What am I doing? Cause I really truly want to do it. And what am I doing out of obligation and the less obligation,

obligation stuff we do the more we can actually do the stuff that does light us up and does feel really freeing and does feel great like you're saying about your parents yes yes yes i'm all for it love our little chit chats like this yeah yes we'll see you guys next week see you soon bye