Side Stories: Toying with Turtles
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Did you know that you can watch Last Podcast on the Left and Side Stories on our Patreon right now? Yes, that's patreon.com slash lastpodcastsontheleft. But over on TikTok, you can see the hottest, tightest, funniest clips from the show right there. It's TikTok. TikTok. It's at LP on the left. It's the same as our Instagram. You already follow the Instagram. Why don't you go follow TikTok? But it's on TikTok. Yeah, because...

believe it. Yep. So just go check it out. Watch it. Go send our podcast to China. I love TikTok the crocodile. It's my favorite TikTok. It's the only one he knows. There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Is he making a Napoleon series? Yeah. Everyone wants it. Everyone's been clamoring for it. But the last movie was awful. He's going to put the nap in Napoleon. Ready Player One was okay. Ready Player One was fine. It was fine. The book was actually that the Ready Player One is one where the book was worse than the movie. I did hate the BFG.

I hated the BFG. I hated the BFG. Also, I hated that book, too. Hated that. That was my least favorite Roald Dahl book. Hated that book. It was stupid. I didn't bother at War Horse. Yeah, why would you?

Horses' nose at work. Yeah. If they would have tied a gun to his face, I would have been into it. That's a war horse. What we saw in Stupid War Horse is a horse-based historical war drama when I wanted to see a horse with a missile on its side, a machine gun on the side of its face, a lance on its dick so that anywhere it was fighting, it could fight you. And then it could also...

And let's say you're one of these people we got another letter about this week who want to have a friendly relationship with an animal as if it's possible, as if you could date an animal. Please stop sending the letters to my audience. I love the audience. Don't send us any more. We won't talk about it anymore if you stop sending them. But it's just so interesting. I guess it must be. It's interesting to me. But I'm saying a real war horse shows up to kill animals.

It kills. It has a mind of its own. It has been trained to kill. It is not just being ridden by a soldier and then it becomes a war horse. How bad is the other side that they can't shoot a horse? You're fighting one horse. It's the war horse. I feel like that's the easiest thing to do. You just aim. It's so much easier to kill than a human. Poison oats.

Yeah. Done. Poor horse doesn't know. Can't detect for poison. It's not a fucking poison detecting horse. More like snore horse. Thank you. All right, here we go. Welcome to Side Stories.

We needed to find our in. My name is Henry Zebrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. Oh, Eddie. What's wrong, Eddie? Too much ham. No. You did eat a lot of ham before the episode began. I'm sweating. And what I do like is that you all think it's a bit. You think that Eddie with the ham is just like, oh, what a fun lark, you know? But no, it's not.

The nitrates that flow in this man's blood is real. Like, I feel like the nitrates that you're eating, to be honest, I want to see what studies come in. Sidestories, LPOTL, gmail.com. I think that the nitrates. Talking about those nitrates. I think that nitrates might actually destroy microplastics.

You know what? Because I suck on plastic. All day. And nothing happens to me. All day. And I'm just being like, what about these weak ass turtles, dude? I'm sucking out of a straw right now. I ain't dead. One turtle dies 12 years ago and we all got to fucking sit here with these. Oh my God. Don't do this. Don't pull this. No, no, we can't. I'm sorry. I'm not bringing up. We're not doing a straw thing. We don't care really about the straws. It's just one of those. If you own a beach...

Restaurant. Have paper straws. Have paper straws. Have paper straws. Yes, yes, yes. No, I know. You live in Wyoming. Thank you, Rob, for putting up the pictures of them pulling the fucking straws out of the turtle's nose. We know. This happened 15 years ago. Eddie likes animals more than me. It's one turtle a long time ago. I don't know. I'm just saying that what I wanted to really bring this back to is about how we can defend ourselves against microplastics in a way that turtles can't because turtles can't

eat hot dogs. No. To fight against the microplastics in their little bloods. And they can't

go. Yeah. Like they can't go. Like it's like, what else? How do you else do you get the nitrates? You get it from hot dogs. It's probably in, uh, you know, hams, any smoked meat. It's going to have nitrates. Yeah. Um, and I think that's the key is to eat a smoked meat that is made out of assholes and cartilage. And that will eventually, that will, that natural based poison could attack the super unnatural plastic poison. Now, while we're talking about turtles, I agree with you, by the way,

We don't need information here. Bacon's got nitrates, bologna, canned meat, which is sad. Corned beef, of course. Telling me it makes sense. I like canned meat. It's like a all-fat version of canned heat. Canned meat is an all-fat version of canned heat. It's a Weird Al song. That is a Weird Al parody group.

I always thought an all-fat cover group of Pearl Jam, but Pearl Ham? Yes. Eddie Cheddar and Scone Gossard. It'd be a lot of fun. It is very cute, but the idea and the concept of fat is kind of all over the place these days. You know what I mean? Because I'm still fat. I lost 100 pounds. I'm still fat. I'm so hungry! I know it's Temple of the Dog, but you know. Continue. Temple of the Hog. But yeah, so turtles, okay? We all know...

I'm doing the sign of the cross. Why? Rambo's on his way out. Oh, this is sad. This is sad. Rambo is on his way out. Why are we doing this? I'm talking, Julie and I, we'd like, you know, he's on his way out and we're like, all right, what do we do after Rambo? Obviously, we're going to take a break from having a dog, but we are toying with the idea of getting a tortoise. Side stories, lpotl at gmail.com. Talk him out.

him out of this. I want to talk him out. I want a tortoise. Like I want to, I want one that's going to live to like 120. You're going to be way dead. So who gets it? That's the thing. I'm going to will it to somebody with money. I mean, I don't have kids. I'm going to leave my money to the tortoise. Oh shit. And you know, well, you can get a, you can buy a tortoise for 150 to 250.

To $500. That's cheaper than a dog. Well, you shouldn't be paying for a dog anyway. Rambo was $120. Well, you have to get tests and stuff like that, but I try to eat... I got them from the pound, and it was still $120. There's like a fee in there. That's about the same. But a turtle is a... I want a big fucking... You don't view a turtle as just something you eat. I mean, I'm not going to eat this one.

These tortoises, they're different, man. They're friendly. They got attitudes. They fuck. I don't want to watch it. I don't want to watch it fuck. Well, I mean, I'm not going to debate. I'm not just going to sit there and watch it fuck another turtle. Are you going to bring another turtle over and you're just going to watch it fuck? You can just play like...

John Tesh? Yeah, let me borrow your turtle. Yeah, alright. Yeah, but look at these guys. They're screwing. They're having a good time. I see him hauling ass on that other turtle. Yeah, I see him wrecking house. Look at the look on his face. I see his cum-based face. I know that he is a father. That's a turtle father. I want a hundred pound tortoise living in my backyard.

I think this could be, like, life-changing. I mean, you know, anything for content. You know, I don't care. It's not my life. It's not for content. This is what I... I think this is... I've always wanted some kind of exotic pet. Sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. And I feel like this is the one I could take care of. Ask Eddie. Train Eddie. Tell me. I would love to get your response about whether or not him having a Galapagos tortoise is going to be amenable in North Hollywood.

Yeah, well, I've seen him walking around. People love him. I've seen like two of them walking around. What in the living fuck are you talking about? You've seen a giant Galapagos tortoise walking around. You haven't seen, there's like two in Hollywood. No, I have not. Yeah, there's a guy who like hits the stick on the ground and follows the stick. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Where can you buy a tortoise in North Hollywood? Don't source this, Rob. Don't source this for him. No, no. Yes, you can get the petco, but these are reptiles. He wants an endangered animal, Rob. They're not endangered. They're not. They're not endangered. I don't think they are. But they're not endangered. There's a guy in Brooklyn who I used to see walking a tortoise around all the time. Because these guys need attention. This is so much attention you're going to be asking for.

I'm keeping it in my backyard. You don't think that people are going to look over? I mean, I still feel like people are going to try to eat it. No, not my neighborhood. Everyone's Jewish. It's not kosher. Is turtles not kosher? Absolutely not. I'm going to look that up. Shellfish. I'm looking that up right now. It's not a shellfish. It's a reptile. It's a shell, though. Are turtles kosher? Absolutely not. I'm going to look this up. I'm looking it up right fucking now.

According to shakabad.com.org, turtles are not kosher. You're right. Thank you. Good work. Good coverage. We learned a lot today. So please email SideStoriesLPOTL. Talk me into it. Talk me out of it. Talk him out of it. No, why? Because I feel like if the... I feel like a turtle... Is a low-maintenance...

Pat, what are you getting back from the tortoise? Love. Hugs. I don't think reptiles experience love and express love the way that a dog or a cat expresses love. I think tortoises are the one smart reptile.

I'm going to get this. Because you've never had reptiles before. Because I think it takes a type. I had a little turtle. But it takes a type. A reptile person's kind of a type. A turtle in a tank. I don't know if you have enough trauma to be a reptile person. I'm not getting snakes. I'm not getting spiders or scorpions. But I feel like we've got to figure it out. Giant tortoise. I want old as fuck. I'm willing my money to it.

You're just going, oh, it's going to be one of those where the tortoise is going to be walking around in your various dolphin jerseys in an empty home for a long time. And then some intern from LPN in the future. Max Von Beren. Max Von Beren is going to have to go and be this turtle's assistant. Yeah.

All right. Well, that I like. Yes. That's the plan I like most. Not having a child. No, of course. And it's going to live past the intern. Way past. I like this. Now, actually, I'm more into this. I like this idea. As soon as it became a burden on someone else, I liked it. No, that's why I like it so much. That's interesting. Because it's going to be like 40 when I die. Wow, that's really fucked. You know, and so like it's going to go for these things could go for hundreds of years. Hundreds of years.

I could fuck with people forever. I just feel that it's irresponsible. But we'll find out. How do you keep your name alive? It's the Coco thing. I'm going to paint my name on the turn. You think the way we keep our name alive is by making content for the internet. Between 80 and 150 years. Up to 250 years. I feel like it depends on what you feed it. I don't know if you could... I can't just hang out... You can't just drink Monster Energy drink. I'm just going to sit...

I'm going to get a barrel of lettuce. I'm going to sit on my back porch getting drunk and stoned, throwing heads of lettuce at it, having a great time. I'm already getting turned around. I'm already getting turned around. I kind of like this. We'll find out. A well-fed, hydrated tortoise can go months without food or water if the temperature is low. If you send... I don't even have to feed it...

Christmas time. Honestly, if you send a turtle to the studio, I'm going to be really mad. I'm not sending it here. No one do this, but I can already see it coming. I don't know if you can you mail a turtle?

How long can they live without oxygen? I think I have to get it mailed to me. How long can a turtle hold its breath? A turtle can't live without oxygen. Oh, you can't send. According to the USPS, it does not ship turtles. Wow, you fucking cucks. How dare you? All right. This has been... We'll see. Let's see what happens. Side stories, LPOTL. If you have a turtle, please write in. Let me know how much you love it. They're all going to say they love it, but I feel like it's...

Let's see what the response is. Honestly, if you have one and it's a burden, it's your duty to tell me. It is your poo-poo to tell him what's going on. Build it a little pen. Yeah, we'll see. You know, I'm having trouble growing this grass. No, I know. Turtle's perfect for it. I think it's just going to eat the grass. This is one of those where I don't want to devolve into this situation either. This is the last time we're talking about this. But the turtle? No. Yes. And.

And this, the horses. I'm a paralegal at a law firm that handles a lot of criminal defenses. This happened like five years ago. I don't remember how we ended up getting referred to this dude, but well, he was real into horses. He had sent several inquiries to nearby farms asking if he could possibly have a quote-unquote romantic relationship with their horses. When the farms understandably responded with,

Hell no. He decided to plant homemade tire spikes all over their properties, which damaged several cars and some farm equipment. Guys, this isn't Romeo and Juliet. Yeah. Okay? It's a horse in a field. Leave it alone. I'm not, I don't want to talk about it ever again. You can't date a horse. I don't care what the horse says. Yeah. All right. But you didn't get to the best part of the. Oh, yeah. So the dude, he goes to jail. All right. Because obviously they arrested him. When they arrested him, of course, what they find in his house.

Lots of unexploded homemade explosives. You know, that was just his, that was his future thinking, I guess. He decided he wanted to kill everybody who wasn't a horse. So he goes to jail. I mean, just because you have explosives doesn't mean you're going to blow something up.

What are we going to find in Ed's home? I mean, when I was younger, I mean, I collected fireworks. You know, I loved an M-80. I still feel like it's again, when you look at a 250 pound 15 year old with a collection of M-80s, it's very different than a man who wants to fuck a bunch of horses that have got a bunch of explosives in his home. Explosives and fireworks are different. Yeah. In my mind. But an M-80 is an explosive, not a firework. It was. And they were not actually even that fun.

I had a good time. They just pop. So at one point, so this guy calls the law firm after he got arrested. He calls the law firm. At one point during this initial meeting, my boss asked this horse fucker if he had a preference as far as male or female horses. Dude gets super offended in response with females. What? I'm not...

gay. So that's a little bit of a response to last week when we talked about the guy poo-pooing in the toilet and then the man next to him offered him $300 if you put your socks and your poo-poo and I can have some of your socks and your poo-poo. And I

happen to call it a bit of a gay exchange because it was man on man poo poo exchange but then it turns out actually the act of scat play that's outside of outside of sexual orientation I don't know

It is. It just, to me, they're saying it's not, this is a question, sidestories, L-P-O-T-L at gmail.com then, if it is not a gay interaction between two men that are wanting to eat and play with each other's poo-poo, right? Then what is that? Or you flip it around. Does it have to be with anybody? So it's like, if it's lady, if it's a cishet version of that, again, it's just poo-poo play. Are you eating Amal's shit or George Clooney's shit? Amal's shit. No shit.

Of course. Yeah. Because not gay.

I also think that Amal shit is probably better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even though George Clooney ain't good for you. George Clooney's still a man. Okay? There's no way he's not. He's still smoking cigars. He's still eating fucking shitty airport pizza every once in a blue moon. He owns a liquor industry, but he's hot. He's the head of Casamigos. Hot men does not make them less gross.

Hot women actually also means most of the time they're grosser. No way. Yes. No way. Hot women are always grosser. But not with their eating habits. Their eating habits are very, very controlled. Yeah. Yeah, I'm all shit for definite. George Clooney, you know that poopoo's liquid.

I don't care what anybody says. He's had too many liquid poo-poos for me to carry. He is not. He looks handsome, but his butthole is the same as mine. If you put his butthole on a fucking camera and you put my butthole on camera, you're not going to see. I can guarantee you, you're not going to see any difference between his asshole and mine. Yeah, but the rest of his ass is going to look a lot better. That's not what I'm saying.

Where does the shit come out of? Shit comes out of the hole. It's not about the fucking butt. It's not about the cheeks around the fucking hole. It's about the hole itself. Yeah. We're wildly off topic. There is no topic so far. I have a lot of stuff. There is no topic to be off of. I will honestly say, I normally say we have a lot of show today. We don't today.

Today there is less show. But I do think that what is here is extremely important. We got also an update on Unix, which I was really appreciative of. This was a good one. When we are children, our bones grow until our bodies hit puberty and the first big surge of testosterone or estrogen hits our systems. You know, if a boy is castrated, I have to remember with Unix, it just

ball's gone. Not penis. I always kind of thought it was the penis too, but the penis is there. I think it's left there so it can be... So they can piss. It holds the room together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they can piss. You can piss, but like... We've talked about this. You can't aim. Yes. No. No, it's just like... You have no ball. I mean... It's just leaking out of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're making a... It's a spray. Yeah, there's nothing. If you're lucky. What I would do then is... I imagine it just like streams out. But the way I would then shit is that I would wrap my arms around the toilet tank face towards the tank. Oh, A.C. Slater it.

dick mounds towards the bowl right that's what i would do like that you ever think about going to church i have and i lost my balls um but they say apparently it is true that you can unix do get up they do become freakishly tall they were some have been reported around seven feet when they're when they're cut when they're kids when they're

cut when they're kids. If they're cut as adults, they don't get freakishly tall. They don't get the cool stuff. Yeah. Yeah, eunuchs also tend to gain weight more easily than intact men, and many eunuchs would get very fat, especially later in life. And a lot of times they were used as guards because their size gave them a very intimidating appearance, but it was probably not muscle. No, no. They're good for, like, if you shoot a bunch of arrows at the queen. They'll soak them up. Yeah. At a second. And also, did you know the sun isn't real?

Oh, yeah. It's so annoying. This is one of my new favorite ones. This is what I just heard. Of course. It drives me crazy. I love anybody that if you have to deny the very basis of reality to get through your day, like you're totally free.

You're totally free. You don't have to adhere to anything. I don't know. I don't know. I think that somebody like this in their head, because it's all about like we view them as insane, broken. Yeah. Don't want to hire them. Don't want to talk to them.

But in their mind, which is the only thing that counts, baby, because reality's all up here, dog. They're freer than you'll ever be. You're a sucker for thinking the sun's real. Now, I love this. I love this came from an email. It's like they said it's a simulation. I look this up and this is there is a community for this. It's a community for everything. My coworker thinks the sun is fake.

He is an otherwise normal seeming 40 something grown man. We work in tech and frequently have quote unquote customers who come in for our help. And he's begun talking to them about this belief system. He believes that the sun has been replaced by simulation to cover up either the real one getting further away or to cover up some form of government wrongdoing. Exactly. If it got further away, the year would be longer. No, but they don't want us to be worried.

He claims that the outdoors is a little later. It is, right? It's cool. It seems like a little later. It's still kind of nice out. It is kind of nice. It means we're probably, it's probably going to be hot until it's December. Now he claims that outdoors is not as bright as it used to be, even though there might be cataracts. Yeah. And then even sunflowers are facing away from this simulation. Haven't heard that yet. Quite.

He has photos of cows under trees instead of out in the sun, supposedly showing how they can't be fooled and don't want to be in this quote-unquote fake sunlight. He has taken photos of the sun compared to older photos he took of the sun. He claims that they're different. Maybe the reason why the outdoors is not as bright as much is because he's been staring at the sun directly and he's destroying his eyeballs. Oh, for sure. It's very possible. Not real! Not real!

There was this guy, his name was Cooper, and I won't say his first name, but my buddy, he was just like notoriously, you know, an idiot. Like, he like, he did a... What's dumb about this, Abby? He, well, he, this guy I'm talking about, he like, he got his car, you know,

spray painted Coop mobile on the side of it, but it was like Coop mob, which is like he was lucky because they couldn't fit all of it because he did the spray painting that and he used actual spray paint. But one time he was just like, you know, I could tell the time just by looking at the sun. And then everyone's like, you can't tell the time by looking at the sun. He's like, I tell you, I tell you. And then my buddy was like, if you could tell the time within 10 minutes by looking at the sun, I'll give you $50. And he's like, all right, all right. And he's like, and he just looks up at the sun and he's sitting there and he's like,

My eyes! My eyes! I love a moron. I mean, I love anybody that's just taken out of the workforce by their own damn selves. Yeah, dude, look at this. It's all over demand. This is why we got to keep TikTok. It's because it spreads such vital information. Wouldn't we have seen them building the giant TV screen that is over us? Happens at night.

Can't see because it's happening at night time. It's that easy. I love an absolutely insane conspiracy theory. New one too, which I love. What? Trump's dead, replaced by an actor. That's a new one. Trump's now an actor. That's Q now. That's the Q space. Jesus, they can't even trust themselves anymore. No, no. Why would you? Why would you? I wouldn't trust me if I was them. Yeah. I'm like, oh, I've been lying this whole time. I know. I don't start working.

So this guy who's an actor is just going to trial to trial. Loving his life. I guess, I mean, hey, it's hard out there. Only 30% of the city's working right now. Yeah. You know what I mean? There is no acting work in the city right now. And so that guy should be thanking himself. I'm pretty certain it was that, you know how they have that like,

There's now obviously, you know, Alec Baldwin did his bullshit Trump. And then now there's that new guy in SNL does Trump. He's good. I like him. And they do a couple other. There was. And then obviously, you know, me and this is the best Trump of all of them. Yeah. And Tom and Tamnick is the best Trump of all of them. Yeah. But, you know, they have that kind of like off brand guy that's on Instagram. That's sort of like that Trump impersonator that kind of goes around. He goes like huge. Yeah.

That's like all he does. Josh impressions? Like he's just like an old guy who sort of looks like Trump. Oh, that's the guy. Oh, really? It's not him. It's not Matt friend. This guy's like, yeah, he doesn't even put on a costume. Yeah. This guy's gonna be put on costumes anymore in these comedians. No, he played the Masonic also. Matt friend.

The day after us. Yeah. He apparently is very good. I don't know anything about him except for that he played the Masonic and apparently he's on Saturday Night Live. He's on some Instagram thing. I thought he, is he on Saturday Night Live? No, he's not. He does TikTok. Oh. He does something on there. Yeah, he's next. He's talking. He's saying something. Yeah. Good for him. Good for my friend. Good for him. Look what he's doing there. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Finding work-life balance can be tough, but Squarespace gives you the tools to reach your goals and have time to celebrate.

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choose your tone, enter what you need and get auto generated text. And that helps you save time. I know I'm sitting on about two literal wheelbarrows filled with horse pics. Now, part of the issue has been is a lot of these pictures are getting stopped at customs because some of them do depict various world leaders in horse like circumstances that seems to be

pinging a lot of these custom agents accounts. Now, so what I've done to do is like, so while I'm trying to work on hand smuggling these horse picks over various country borders, uh,

I then also have time because Squarespace is doing all the other ad work for me to go and work on my killdozer at home. So thank you, Squarespace, for allowing me to diversify in the best way possible for this country. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial when you're ready to launch. Go to squarespace.com slash left to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hey, listeners, love this pod and want even more? You can be the first to unlock exclusive bonus content, early access, and ad-free listening to the latest podcasts from your favorite shows. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast Plus on our Apple Podcast Show page or the SiriusXM app now. Oh, I got another update. One more update before we get into the stories. Last update. Mm-hmm. Because we got some stories. Now, apparently, we talked about the mystery pooper at the Northview Cemetery. Okay. Got some information.

that maybe there's some inner turmoil going on at the cemetery besides just the poo-poo. Okay. Because what I learned, number one, is that it's very interesting. Poo-poo with TP...

In public spaces, it's actually a lot more prevalent than we thought. Of course it is. A lot of times homeless people will use... They gotta go. They gotta go. And then they'll go to a cemetery or someplace, and oftentimes what you see, it's like they will use TP, which makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Right? At first I thought that was a pointed revenge scenario, but apparently no. No, not if you're using TP, then you're just going. You're just trying to not get poo-poo in your clothes, right? So that's not passion. No. No.

That's not a political movement. No. Yes. But the apolitical movement. Now, the Google reviews show that the cemetery also works. Yes, it does. Thank you. Five stars. Come to see the live show. It's just like this. Come see Side Stories Live. We're not supposed to announce it yet, but we're having two new dates soon. I don't know what we're not allowed to say, but they're going to be in Philadelphia, and I think one's going to be in Chicago. Yes, come see those. Yeah.

But we haven't even put that up. We're not allowed to announce it. But I just did. Yeah. There's nothing you can do about it.

But next week, if you're on the Patreon, tickets will be available. There's more of this. So the bad review is apparently they're saying that the cemetery groundskeeper of the Northview Cemetery is an asshole who chases people out and he screams at children. And that apparently this poo-poo revenge is against this one person. So all the bad reviews are accurate. I mean, screaming at children doesn't make you a bad person. No, I mean, what are the kids doing in the cemetery?

Yeah. That's what I want to know. Keep them out of there. I mean, but I like kids in a cemetery, but what are they doing within? Yes, they can't be knocking things over. I don't want fucking Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn running through my cemetery. Yeah, I don't want you roll, like, getting your jellies and your jams all over my tombstone. Yeah, put some shoes on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't come in here. Don't bring your skibbity toilets in here. Don't Pokemon Go in the cemetery. Okay. Honestly, that does sound like fun.

And Gurney does is a Gurney on staff as a Pokemon go person. Honestly, I feel like she even got to this job by following a Pokemon to this office. And she got this job. You look like a Pokemon. That's what people say. But you know what? Hey, where's my where's my deal? Where's my ad deal to be the live Pokemon? Are they all the Pokemons with the monsters called?

Pikachu's? No, they're Pokemon. It doesn't fucking matter. It's not real. He's Mickey Mouse. Yeah, I don't know. Who fucking cares? I'm off the fucking topic.

The guy, you go down here, it's a psycho gym. The guy that runs the cemetery. He comes flying down the dirt road in his big boy golf cart, screaming and yelling, no pictures, no pictures. I try to calm him down by telling him you catch more flies with honey, but he doesn't care. He has some bizarre God complex about the place. He later told me that he can make up rules as he sees fit after some back and forth yelling. He said, he'll show me. Gets back in his big boy cart and takes off. I think screw this. I got the

picture I wanted. I'm out of here. I don't have time for crazy. Only problem, Jimbo has blocked the only exit with his big boy cart. I told him I'm calling the police, but he doesn't care. He's not moving. It's not until I tell him I'm calling and reporting myself as kidnapped did he have a change of heart and he moved his big boy cart. Imagine having a god complex over a poorly maintained cemetery. Don't be scared off by this lunatic.

Apparently, it's not a private cemetery. This guy's lying. This fucking guy is acting like the cemetery is his own little city. But you know who that city belongs to? The dead. Yeah. It belongs to you, dog. It belongs to the state. Unless it's a private cemetery. And apparently it's not. It's a public cemetery. Well, it's a private cemetery, but it's open to the public. Is what it is. But either way, you know.

I don't like anyone who goes too far overboard, but it's good that someone's watching it. I mean, yeah, but I'm just saying it's also, this is how you get people protesting you. Yeah. By poopooing where you work. So you think people are pooping on purpose to piss this guy off? I would. Now I know. Now I know too. But isn't it like, is it worth it? Because like shitting and pissing on a grave is like bad. I wouldn't do it on a grave.

I'd do it on a pathway. Oh, a pathway. Yeah. Or under a tree. I'd do it by his office. That's... You go where all the equipment, right? All the lawn equipment is. Yeah. Just take a fucking shit outside of that. Yeah. That's what I would do to protest him. But then I also want... I have to make sure it's only him. Because I don't want to do it to people who don't deserve it. And no toilet paper. You don't want to make it easier to pick up. No.

Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. You have to take one for the team. Oh, no. I'd probably leave one little poop if there was like a, like a, like one of those like Confederate graves. Oh, yeah. But I'd put that, I'd put, I would put that all on top of it. But they're all buried in a mass grave. There's that one that I went to, I saw in Richmond, Virginia, that giant pyramid. Yeah. Of the Confederate graves. Yeah. It's actually very, it's very intense looking. The pyramid? Yeah. But you still like, at the same time, I kind of want to knock it over.

I feel like it's bad, but it's against, like, everybody gets angry. It's actually a cool monument. It is a cool monument, but what are you going to do? They got to put them somewhere. You know, just grind them up and feed them to fucking dogs. So how would you, would you shit in a bag and then, like, throw the shit out?

at his area or would you go shit in that moment i would show up i would dress as a skeleton i would pre-shit yeah oh oh interesting and i would i would shit at home in a bag they put it in the car bring it with me and then throw it out the window something about getting over there you get caught mid shit he could push you over you're very vulnerable

I can't get knocked over. Your balls are up. I physically literally can't be knocked over. Don't say that into a microphone because now people are just going to try and knock you over. They've already tried. Everyone tries. They can't get me. My center of balance is so precisely balanced. Tree stump of a man. They can't get me. I'm too low. I'm too low. So as soon as I'm in a squat position, I'm shitting.

Might as well be a gargoyle off a church shit. Yeah, you're like R. Zach Thomas. You can't come at me. Yeah, I am the fridge when I'm shitting. Remember him? Yeah, Refrigerator Perry. Wayne Perry. He didn't kill his family, right? No, no, no. He ate them. I think he's still alive. That's extremely sad. Or did he die? There's no way he's alive. I think he's alive. Yeah, he's alive. He's alive. Where is he at? Manu Paul died.

No. And they did a celebrity boxing match. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, wow. And that's really what he's known for. That's nice. That's really, really sad. All right. We can get to some news, I guess. I mean, I think the first thing that we're required to talk about is Robert Pickton got stabbed. So Robert Pickton, famed

Of the famed serial killer of last podcast and the last week, we covered him in very, very explicit detail back in the day. For those of you who don't know. He looks like the bad guy from Last Action Hero. Not the fancy one, but the ripper. Yes. The one in the slicker. Yes, he does. He does.

Robert William Pickton. Tom Noonan. He does sort of look like Tom Noonan. Yeah. But Tom Noonan kind of actually is more attractive. Yeah. So Robert Pickton is a piece of shit. He was known as the pig farmer killer or the butcher. He did this whole thing. He worked out of, his crimes were out of Vancouver, Canada. He looks like he was convicted of, technically of second degree murder six times.

charged with 26 murders. He was confessed to 49 murders of sex workers in the Vancouver area, and then he fed them to pigs on a local farm, and they're saying that then they fed those pigs to human beings in the various area. Robert Pickton, who has been in various forms of isolation, here is a picture of him smiling, covered in blood, loves his life. We know that they ran an independent rock venue. I believe it was called the Piggy Palace. Yeah.

that they all did, which was like a biker. Very green room. It's very green room. It's extremely green room. He is a moron. Now, how you can tell Robert Pickton is a moron is because there was a bunch of, this undercover video is still one of my favorites, where you have an undercover cop trying to get him to confess in a room to a bunch of crimes, and it's him talking to Robert Pickton, and the undercover cop is acting like a criminal. He's going, ah, you know how it fucking is with these fucking guys. He just says the word fuck over and over again, but Robert Pickton

and buys it. Hook, line, and sinker. Tells him a bunch of stuff. But it looks like Robert Pickton, who had been, I believe, in solitary because

Because they hide these guys a lot of times. Well, Canada's different. I feel that it's still not that different. I still think that high-profile criminals like this, a lot of times they hide them. I know with Carla Homolka, they hid her when they released her. Paul Bernardo is very much like a very outspoken prisoner. Robert Pickton also has been an outspoken prisoner. He has complained about

conditions in this jail he's a real bitch and now looks like he's gonna be dead soon so hopefully after this you got stabbed with a broom yeah a guy made a broom uh a broomstick shiv to get him with and i have a sinking feeling by the time this is published he will already be dead yeah i think so so it seems like it he's so old got stabbed by a broom i mean how long can you fucking live

I think that we have found that vicious people who don't feel anything live for a very long time. Now, you know a lot more about this guy than I do, obviously. Yes. Now, you call him an idiot, and devil's advocate, if you get away with killing maybe 50 people, how stupid are you? It's very easy to...

go after people that don't necessarily have a network of humans that are directly watching them. So what we call, we talk in the last podcast an awful lot of times, it's called the less dead. The concept of the less dead, which is something like sex workers or gay men during a time period when there is a lot of homophobia. So what they do is specifically

go after victims that no one is quote unquote, quote unquote, no one is looking for. Even though then you found out with Robert Pickton, there were many social workers looking for some of these women, but it did because a lot of times, especially depending on what police jurisdiction you're speaking to depends on their attitude about sex workers. Cause some of them view in some, probably in some backwards way or not that they are quote unquote, cleaning up the streets of the climb of a crime element. That's like,

the worst part of the thought. And the other part of the thought is they just don't want to go and prosecute or try to investigate these types of crimes because they just assume sex workers disappear, sex workers move on. I'm not going to give all these resources trying to investigate whether or not the sex worker was murdered because it doesn't matter for me to do all this work to quote unquote find out that they have moved. So it's really sad. He specifically went after a transient population that was very, very vulnerable. And

He pulled it into a backwoods area that was also extremely reticent to cooperate with the police. That's also what helps is that because like Canada ain't better than us. And you got a lot of white trash up in those hills. Yeah. You got a lot of fucking bullshit in those hills where they could go run up there and the police don't want to deal with it because they're kind of using, they're kind of used to them kind of policing themselves. I've heard both things about Vancouver, that it's wonderful and horrible. It is.

I haven't been there ever. Hastings Street is rough. East Hastings, the area where there's like, it is pretty, pretty rough, but Vancouver otherwise is absolutely beautiful city. They just, they just allow their, their homeless to do heroin and they, they help them get it.

Okay. I think they help. They don't help them get it, but they help them make it, which I think is on one hand good. It is good. It is good. They get free noodles. Yeah, you can't. So it's like they got needle and they get outreach, which I think is good. But also it's just the problem is just really intense. And it's in Vancouver is the most like human blood I've seen. Okay. Casually.

You know what I mean? Still New York for me on that one. Yeah, I've seen puddles. I saw puddles of blood in Vane. She was hilarious, that clown. I love her. Love her. Get a tarp, though, for the ending. I puddle some blood.

Her fucking closer is gross. But that's a story Robert picked in. I hope you don't rest in peace and see you in hell. Yeah, there we go. There we go. They caught

the guy who punched Steve Buscemi in the face. Man, what is going on? I think, well, Bethany Frankel got punched. They say that the person that punched her had no idea who she was. Yeah, no. I don't know if this guy necessarily... I don't think I would know Bethany Frankel. No, no, no. I only know them, I think, honestly, because I'm... I'm like one degree away from Bethany Frankel and I don't think I'd know her if she said hi to me. Yeah, probably not. But Steve Buscemi...

Could he really not have recognized Steve Buscemi? Well, you know, guys who are going around punching people in the street might not be... I mean, he was 50 years old. You're saying you don't think he had IMDB Pro? Yeah, he's unhoused. Oh, yeah, so you didn't think that he was like... I don't think he's a fan of the arts. He's not going to the Lebowski Con? No, he's not at the Lebowski Con. But, man...

It's happened in New York City. He's a 9-11 firefighter. Yeah, he... Steve Buscemi is like of all of the people to punch in New York City. He is a legend in New York City. This guy is going to go to Rikers and get fucked. Oh yeah, dude. He was a full

on 9-11 firefighter. He's going to get picked this weekend. Oh, yeah. He volunteered for 9-11. And he also was a guy that, like, he's split in the same neighborhood forever. He was a local theater hero. His wife just died. Then he famously was with Forever and Always Good Too. Very sweet man, apparently. And it's difficult. Same thing with the guy who came for Rick Moranis. They throw the book at these guys. And Michael Stuhlberg, who was also in...

Boardwalk Empire. He got hit in the head with a rock in New York. Where's Killian Murphy? We have to be careful. We have to be careful because if they are slowly but surely punching every single cast member...

He's not in Boardwalk Empire. I thought Kelly Murphy was in Boardwalk Empire. No, he's in the weird Peaky Blinders. Oh, I can't believe I fucking, oh, wow. I confused the two. It's like Peaky Blinders. Peaky Blinders. I got halfway through the first episode and had to turn it off. Yeah. Don't play the black keys in your weird period drama. But I feel like that's the thing. That bothers me. They stole that, I think, from Scorsese. And then it's been kind of going on ever.

When did he do it? A long time ago, back when it was cool. I feel like it was like a time period. Danger York had like a newer flavor, but it was still a score. Yes. I feel like there was a lot more of that. That was just like a straight up Black Keys song that they threw in. I've never, I know, I don't, I'm always like...

Play period music. Oh, yeah. In your period. That's where it started. Night's Tale. But Night's Tale was like a teen bop film. That's why they did that. I didn't bother with that fucking piece of shit. It wasn't for us, I mean. No. It was for good-looking people. Yeah. At the time. You know, back in the day, there was movies for good-looking people. That was one. Yeah. That's how I felt. That's how I felt about the American Pie films.

These were for handsome kids. I liked the first one. They were fine. Yeah. But they felt like this is for more attractive children than me. There was the... When you go back and look at it, there's that revenge porn scene, though. Yeah, it's awful. It's really fucked up. No, there's a lot of stuff that we were raised with that turns out it was super toxic. Oh, my God. Porky's. It was bad. My father's favorite film. If I watched Porky's and now, again, the cops would come. It just...

You know what it is? It's just not funny. No. And then he does the thing where he sticks his dick through the hole and then they fucking torture his dick. At least they get revenge. They torture his dick. Yeah. No, no, no. There's different values now. Yeah, definitely. So I'm glad we're better. We're just different. Shout out to you, Steve. We're all rooting for you.

It's not like your face is going to get any uglier. No, sir. No, no, no, no, no. But this will help. I think this will help people pay attention to 9-11 more. Because it always slips my mind. And all of a sudden I'm like, oh, fuck. I didn't get any gifts for anybody. What about my 9-11 shopping? I didn't even get... I have to stop forgetting this. I need to send a Google Cal reminder.

Ain't no party like a 9-11 party because a 9-11 party don't stop. Live from New York. Hey, listeners. Love this pod and want even more? You can be the first to unlock exclusive bonus content, early access, and ad-free listening to the latest podcasts from your favorite shows. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast Plus on our Apple Podcasts show page or the SiriusXM app now.

You got a story? Yeah. These three women, Baldwin County sisters, they're

They're all charged in a murder for high wood plot. Baldwin County, Alabama. Murder for hire plot. Yeah. They, these three sisters, they're not all from Alabama. One of them lives in Niceville, Florida. Excellent. I know. I know. I know. Niceville always cracked me up because of how much it sucks. Of course. Yeah. But they all, they tried to hire this guy who was, he was married to one. He's married to one of their daughters.

he had like hit her a bunch. Yeah. And then he like he got her all fucked up and like sold her for sex. Horrible dude. He should be murdered for hire. Yeah. Yeah. A guy who is like asking for an assassin. Yeah. Bad guy. But these three ladies got caught trying to hire someone to kill him. They tried to hire another woman to

To kill him outside of the courthouse in front of everybody. Wow, cool. And then the woman's like, what are you talking about? That's like risky and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Might be good. And then so they kept like hiring her and she kept like going and almost doing it. And then finally she just goes to the cop and like, these chicks are trying to kill this dude. This is the thing. And so now they're all going to go to jail and that guy's fine. This is the thing, guys. Ladies.

Some things you got to do yourself. All right. Can't always outsource everything. Everything can't be a task rabbit, but they're going to know they're related to the woman. It doesn't matter if you weren't coming. If you're just coming for revenge anyway, especially against somebody who's like selling your daughter for

for a bunch of sex, right? You want to handle that, it's going to have to be on you. You're going to have to go in there. You're going to have to pull Liam Neeson. Yeah. You're going to have to train. You're going to have to go to the John Wick School. I was just at the LA County Fair. They have a whole thing with the John Wick School. Really? It was like the CIA gun training area I went to go look at. It was fun. You didn't do it? No. I mean, like, you have to go and it's like a thing you pay for and go do. That's what I'm saying. Natalie asked me to wait.

Wait, so she wasn't around? She wanted me to go to a regular gun class first. Where I just, like, learn all... Where you start shooting at a fair? This is the bullet. This is the hammer. Can we film it? Yes, I want to. I want to. But this is the John Wick training where he goes around and he shoots, like, things pop up and you shoot and shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love watching him do that. That's what these ladies need to do. Yeah. Alright? And then also, or...

To be honest, you got to let the courts handle it in one way because you got to try to go and then see. I mean, they're already going to prison. They are. You might as well have killed them themselves. But the dude, they might as well have. Right? They might as well have. Because they're already getting in trouble for it. You already are. So you might as well have already done it. Yeah, because you're not going to be able to figure out how to buy a hitman. Buying a hitman, I do think is much harder. And finding a reputable hitman, we've talked about this for years. It is impossible. It is always a pleasure.

police officer. And, or if you find the problem too, is that if you find somebody who that is look at, why would I go? What did he did try to undercut himself? Oh man. Did he try to, to did he underpaid his mules? And this is the main thing I want you to talk. And this is a big thing, Rob. And I want you guys to keep an eye on this. If you have drug mules, pay them. Hey,

handsomely. Yeah. Because if not, like, they're the ones with the secrets. So they're always going to want more, though. That's the other thing. Yes. I bet it was paid well. Don't... Again, I would say if you're going to mule, the only person you can trust is yourself. Yeah. You got to be your own mule. You got to be your own assassin. This is really about you...

Taking agency for yourself and your actions in your life. That's what Diddy didn't learn, correct? That's what these three ladies didn't learn, correct? Yeah. Which is, you got to put yourself in the scenario. Also, mules, you can't trust a mule. You can't trust a mule. Yeah, you got to get yourself a drug donkey. Donkey will carry anything except for meat. I'm still saying a mule, if you're going to use a mule, needs to be a very old woman. Yeah. And you fill her body with cocaine.

No, fillable. Someone who's just about to die. That's the key. Well, they, they fill dead bodies with, with cocaine all the time. That's yeah. But that's, that makes sense too. But I'm just saying a very old person who's already on death's door and you can use that and be like, don't you want to live a fun, happy life? Someone who's doing it for extra money, not because they need the money. You need somebody who needs it. They're doing it for a retirement job. They're not doing it because they need the money. When do you think cocaine will be legal?

Soon? It'll happen. I think a lot of other stuff has to change. Weed is getting scheduled down to a Schedule 3. Maybe. It hasn't happened. Yeah, exactly. I'll believe it when I see it. But that's the closest we're going to get. That has to happen first. Yeah. Weed has to become federally legal first. How it's not is insane to me. We're going to make so much money. It is. Fraudsters...

Season three is coming back. It looks amazing. Very big, deep dive. I've never seen Cena work so hard. Into the war on drugs. But you're going to talk about how, like, apparently, they're super, how do you put it, miffed at how the drug war went down. Yeah. And they are not letting it go because of how many...

Trillions of dollars have went into, quote unquote, fighting drugs, but really was just a smokescreen for a lot of various intelligence agencies and private military people using drugs as collateral against small groups in various countries to manipulate their governments.

It's a lot going on, man. It's a lot going on. It's pretty heavy. We did a cocaine episode of Brighter Side recently and seen it came on. And it was, it got, which I thought was just going to be us telling old stories. This ended up being really intense. It's very intense. And also I was talking to some fucking, we talked to a bunch of 25 year olds accidentally after our show on Thursday. Cause Weisshaus's employees came. We said the same thing to them. You fucking go and you get those testing strips. It's not lame.

All right? Because people die back and forth to get those testing strips. Yeah. You tell your bros. It's what you got to do out there, right? Be careful. Get Narcan. Put it in your fucking systems. Do it ahead of time. Do Narcan when you wake up. Does that work? Nah. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? I'm not fucking... Don't listen to me for medical advice. I'm just saying...

Don't die out there. Don't ruin Vegas for everybody else. Here we go. Let's look. You got the killer whales struck again. We are at yes. Killer whales are

Or downing super yachts again. I don't know why. It's all in the same spot. It's the same gang. They must know. They have just become Spain. They hate those boats. And they are like we all do. And so they're coming for him. And it's very interesting. Since 2020, they've been ramming vessels. And there's no sign of it slowing down. It's a learned behavior that is very, very interesting. And I wonder what they get out of it.

They just probably hate them in their area. They probably just, yeah, they hate having them around. And they're huge. And they're just squirting horrible chemicals into their home. It's always yachts, too. It's always like a boat that can handle. Because it's something really, really big. Because I imagine those are the things that are really fucking with the environment there versus a tiny little boat as an outboard motor. Oh, no, no. The tinier the boat, the more chance you have of getting it. They're not attacking like giant. Oh, they're not. It's the small boats. It's like yachts and smaller boats.

And they're like good at like, they know where like to disable the propellers and shit. Like they're good at it. That's awesome. Yeah, no, it's really fucking cool. It's kind of cool, but it's also scary. It's terrifying. I don't go in boats. They've sunk five sailboats and two fishing boats.

Damn. Oh, I thought they were going after super yachts. They also have been hitting up yachts, but that's what they've been. That's the main thing. So they're great, but they're still going after the regular, the regular hoi polloi as well. They're attacking us as well. Yeah. Um, they're saying there's a, there's one of them is like, Oh, the leader is like a woman, uh, a woman, uh, Orca.

And she is their leader in teaching them how to disable the boats. And you're just making sure that you properly sex it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They, they. Thank you. Some experts suggest that she may have suffered some type of trauma that led her to start attacking boats. So she's like Eileen Wuornos. Yeah.

That's fascinating. That's fascinating. We'll see. They're going to probably have to cut open a lot of brains of orcas to figure out why they're doing that. And they might. Maybe. They got different rules over there. Do you think they're hunting these orcas for fucking with their quote unquote super yacht territory? I mean, maybe. I don't think the Portuguese are, but I wouldn't put it past the Spanish. Why? They seem more dangerous to me. Wow. Wow. Good work.

Guess we're not going to Barcelona. I'd love to go to Barcelona. I love Barcelona. You haven't been. I want to go all the naps. Yeah. I would love to go just for the naps. That's my favorite part. I want to have olives. I'm eating olives till I die. Welcome to Spain. I actually think Spain is fine.

I never... You been? No. Then how do you know? I'm just saying, I just don't know if Spain is, like, evil. No, I don't think it's evil. I know that they had a dictatorship issue. Yeah. But I think we wrap that up. I don't know. They got a queen or something? I don't fucking know. I don't fucking... I think... I can't tell. I would say they would disappear you over there. Well, I think they didn't. Why would they? I'm the fucking... I would be...

The pulpo lord. Nothing I love better than a nice fucking grilled pulpo. No, Spain is not a dictatorship. No. Spain turned this into democracy after the death of Francisco Francisco Franco. Oh, wow. Yeah, good for them. Good for them. See, it's nice. See, we're learning stuff. Yeah. All right, let's do some listener letters. A.

B. S. Come. Those are three letters. There we go. All right. Mark Hayden. Now, we talked a little bit about exclusion zones, which I thought was very interesting about, like, why Mark Hayden from the Snowtown murders, he's paroled. How the fuck do they handle this guy? They let him out there. He's an extremely dangerous human being, as far as I'm concerned. Is he dangerous? I think that anybody that was involved in that crew is extremely dangerous. By the way that they thought of crime as being, how do you put it? Bland. Bland.

So glibness is a symptom of antisocial personality disorder that makes you not fully ever understand how serious a thing it is that you are doing. And in that levity, quote unquote levity, or that idea of like you're relaxed about your actions, you do a lot of fucked up stuff because you can't understand that you're hurting people.

You just don't. You just are a glib. You are just fun about it. You know what I mean? But this is how it usually works. In this targeting case, so Mark Hayden, he's wearing a monitoring device. It will transmit his location. Software, like what my company makes, is set up to track that device's location, plus other intercept monitoring set up for this person, wiretaps, monitoring network traffic. It's a lot of work.

In the same software, law enforcement can set up what we call geofences. A geofence is basically a shape drawn on a map and the software is configured to send alerts when the target interacts with the geofence in a specific ways. For examples, alert can be sent when the target crosses a geofence boundary.

The target's device is activity outside the geofence or is activity outside the geofence for a certain amount of time. The target's device is activity inside the geofence to set up what I call an exclusion zone. Because if they set up these little exclusion zones, there are other little areas that they can't go to that it pings when they show up to with the little ankle monitor that they're on. So I guess that's how they do it. And it just requires a lot of money. Yeah, to watch them do that.

So what's going on with him? Nothing. Does he get a job? Nope. I don't think he's allowed to have a job. Well, then what's the point of letting him out? I think that he gets government mandates. I believe. I might be wrong. I might be wrong. But do you get some kind of stipend? I think for his age, you might get some form of Social Security. But I don't know if you get that if you're a federal. You get that if you're an actual of your con. Who knows what the laws in Australia are? I mean, I don't know. They're very similar. They're similar and not similar to ours.

Yeah, I would imagine this guy, he has to get a job. Otherwise, what's the point of putting him in society? I think that, I don't know. Actually, I don't know. I think actually it's probably a massive issue. It sounds like. I got a message from Cassie, the person who is a model and owner of Femscat.com. Okay. And we talked about the idea that they were looking for consensually sourced poo-poo.

No one wants to deal with non-consensual poopoo, right? It's bad to do. It's actually considered bad pool to go and just take poopoo that's just been left there. They actually consider that rude. To take poop that was left behind? The whole point of the reference to the veracity of the $300 poopoo don't flush socks in the poop water story, that's 1 million percent true. Okay, can I ask you a question? You take a shit.

You forget to flush. You go back in the bathroom and someone's in there taking your shit. I'm suing. You're mad? Oh yeah, I'm calling the police. Really? Why? That's my property. That's not your property. You left it there. Finders keepers. Yeah, but look at my iPhone and you took it. It's bad. Yes. But if you left it in the toilet, who cares? I'd ask questions.

All right, continue. Continue. Thank you. Thank you. Totally tracks to my opinion. I've made dozens of custom videos themed around this type of encounter. So if people are willing to pay 300 bucks to watch me on video, pretend I'm being asked to not flush and leave it for them, then people are certainly paying the same and more to have it happen in real life. Many people's partners indulge the fetish with a semi-regular walking out of the bathroom. I didn't flush sort of arrangement and just let him go at it.

You know how you and Julie do. You know how she loves to play. She loves when you poop and leave it behind. Yeah, a lot of them just say they don't consider it. They don't care whether or not it comes from a girl or butt or not. They just need it to be. They do prefer if the poop comes from somebody who they consider hot. Yeah. And they want to see the picture of the person who's pooped in the back.

Of course. So I now, I think that we've covered this. Yeah, no, we've covered it twice today. I think horses and poop can now be, I think that we did it for this episode. Yeah. And I think that we'll have more things to talk about next week. It's the craziest thing. We always talk, but then people say, I feel the deja vu. We hate it. We don't want to hear it. And then the letters just come in exclamations.

explaining to us to talk about it more. Yes, they do. The mixed reviews we get on poo-poo and horse fucking. It has to just, it has to start and stop with you guys. Alright? Because we're only as good as you. And also, go check out the New York Post or Boyd Neville.

He's got an article in the New York Post. No way. Which is all about doing real life. Trying to take back the narrative on real life superheroes. He's an interesting human being. Did we release it? Yes, we did. It's on Patreon. He's an interesting human being. And you should go read it. It is interesting. I don't normally send people to the post. But it is very, very interesting. What his perspective is. I think it's about giving. His whole thing is about giving people the opportunity to train to defend themselves. Yeah. Because we need it.

And as I, I do find that interesting. So one thing I'd like to say before we go out is that I lost an old friend named Regan Davis, who was the man, the child at the time when I was 18, he was 20. He literally taught me the basics of improv. He,

He passed suddenly. He was a good man and he was a wonderful father. And it actually made me very emotional. And he sent me like when he, he had passed suddenly, he was only two years older than me, which is not frightening at all. Yeah. But, uh, I got a message from an old friend that was in my first ever improv troop and they sent it to me and it was a documentary about when we were 18 years old, we got the, or we tried to get the, uh,

Guinness World Record for longest continuous improv show. It was 36 hours long. And I got this blast from the past

of me when I was 18, before I met you, before I met Holden. And it was very emotional to see all of us as children. It's just weird to look back. You were so innocent back then. I was very sincere. I was very, very sincere. I was hardcore. You were sincere. It was funny how I feel like it's switched. It's flipped. Yeah, it's flipped.

It's like 22 years ago, but it was like watching this. But I just wanted to give a shout out to him and his family because they are just like, they were the best. What's going on lately? I also lost a friend, a very close friend, Jeff Schoenberg. Yeah. Also involved in improv. He used to run the clubhouse out here. Passed suddenly from diabetes. I mean, he's been sick for a while, but. No, it's. They're both great men.

Good dudes. I feel like there is a, I'm going to love it by their communities. This is a wonderful time for assholes. Uh, I think that assholes are eaten up right now and they are really doing well. And I think that, uh, the last five years have aged almost,

All of us. Some of us more so. Yeah. But I feel like I definitely aged about 10 years in the last year. So we'll see. I feel like that's... I think we're under a lot of stress. Yeah. I think as a crew, we're under a lot of stress. As a generation. Yeah. And one thing I know about my buddy, he was trying to get a kidney for a very long time. Yeah. So I think if you're a healthy person and you got no friends or family that care about you, think about giving away one of those kidneys. Honestly, and Eddie...

I really think that you should give away some of those that you have hoarded in your home. Yeah, well, those are mine. I know. Those are your backups. Yeah, those are mine. I know they're your backups, but I feel like... I don't even know if they're good anymore. I mean, a couple of them have a sheen to them, like roast beef. Every day I get home, I open the cooler, I pour a six-pack in there. You stay bubbling. The kidney's in the barrel. And then also, big plug.

Come see us in contact in the desert. This is going to be, I'm so excited for this trip. You're in town. This fucking thing is already getting out of control. Eddie's about to do, you're going to be doing standup. Yeah. There's a standup show, which is Friday at 8 40 PM. I'm going to be heckling you. You were not going to be able to get you that material. You.

You're not going to be able to get through any material on that show. Well, I'm just going to talk to you from the stage. If you're going to heckle me, then I'm just not even going to do material. And then I'm just going to talk to you about aliens. We'll see what happens. Because it might have to be alien-based material. I don't know. I don't think they care. Well, if you're heckling me, then it's going to be alien-based material. Because otherwise, you know, I'm not going to sit there and try and fucking talk over you. That's all I'm going to do as you're talking. What about the fuck?

the fucking NHIs. Yeah. So yeah, Tim Crawford presents a night of cosmic giggles. This is good. Contact in the desert. This whole weekend, 40 PM. It's on Friday, May 31st at the Renaissance Esmeralda resort at the Coachella Valley, California. God, this guy looks what a barrel of laughs. He

I bet he's hilarious. I can't wait. I can't wait to meet him. Contact in the desert. It's going to be fucking so weird. I can't wait. I'm going to be doing my panel. You're going to love this. It's a serious look at UFOs. We're all going to learn a lot. And then Sunday, we're doing our live podcast with Dave Foley, which I believe. Are we allowed to say that?

Let's call it. We're just going to say it. Dave Foley's going to be there. He's going to be there. He's going to be in the room anyway. Someone just make him come. All right? Because I told him, not jerk him off. At least, honestly, jerk him off. I think he's actually going through a lot. But if you don't, bring him over to the fucking... If he's single, jerk him off. Please. Bring him over to the panel because we're going to talk... We just lost him as a guest. Immediately. We are not...

talking comedy, but we're not talking comedy. We're not talking kids in the hall. We're not talking about Saturday Night Live. Everything that I care about. None of it. Not a bit of it. We're only talking UFOs and I can't wait. Can't fucking wait. This is a weekend, buddy. We're doing two sets as last podcast. And then we're going to be around the entire festival. I'm going to go see some shit. I want to see Darcy Weir's movie. He was so cool to talk to.

You haven't seen it yet? No, I haven't seen it. I'll send it to you. It's good. You're going to see it live. We're going to find it. Just be there. Honestly, if you're even on the fence, I was just talking to a couple of people I saw at the Ren Faire that had a booth. They were talking. They were going. If you're on the fence, I really think that this thing is going to be wackadoo central, and it's going to be a lot of fun. And also, I do think it's going to be very informative. The first ever, I'm...

Excited about George Knapp and George Norrie being on stage together for the first time. George is George. This is my version of the traveling Wilburys. Yeah. I'm going to be there with my fucking coast to coast fucking all my gear on going like. That's free for all pass holders that have. Talk about the fucking rations, George. What about the tactical flashlights, Dad? Man, I'm going to be unstoppable. It's so funny because they have all like experienced.

explicitly said to Henry to just stay away from him. I want... I'm just gonna... He will acknowledge me. He's gonna acknowledge me on this trip. It is going to be unavoidable. I'm going to be nice. And I'm gonna be very charming. But George Norrie, let me smell the mustache. Come on, George Norrie, let me suck on them nipples.

Come on, George. You're not getting in there now. How dare you tell me if you feel if you wanted to suck me until I came into the back of your mouth, I wouldn't argue with you. I can't wait to experience the mustache. Kisses of a fellow ufologist. What's Thomas Jane doing? He's going to be complaining about room service. I think that he's going to be having a good time. I think he's talking about UFOs, too.

I think he's going to talk about how that no one watched. What was the movie with him? Was that Stephen King movie? Punisher. No, Punisher. He did have the week, Punisher. Yeah.

But I'm not bringing that up. No. Well, I mean, the other one was worse. The mist. With the guy who dies. Oh, I love the mist! The mist is the best! I fucking love the mist. And 1922 was also very good. Yeah, Thomas Jane. Hopefully he's talking about his movies. He's a deep blue sea. He is. Huh. You might have some weird ideas in the back of his head. Never listen. Try not to listen to actors. If you can. Yeah. Or at least don't give them too much credence. Because actors, they don't know. They read things. But you are an actor. Have I acted...

quite a bit of time. I would say I'm a performer and entertainer. I'm a wise man. I'm a husband. I'm a lover. I'm a Polish fucktard. So,

Is that a term? All right. I'm ready to hang out with you, Tim Crawford. We're coming for you. This is going to be fun. We're coming for you. Also, I didn't get to how engineers make a dune still suit that actually worked. I'm going to cover it next week. So go to patreon.com slash last podcast on the left and see us talk in person. You can watch our face flap around. We have fun with it. Go to twitch.tv slash LPN TV. Go and see all of our stream shows. Good puts coming back very soon. Go to TikTok. Go to LP on the left.com. Go LP at TikTok.

I'll be on the left. I don't know. The Hoopagoohoo game's coming soon. It is. On Twitch. The Brighter Side game show. Our first game show. I can't wait to show you guys this. We've been working hard on that. And you're going to live every day not thinking to send a letter to Sidestories LPOTL about horses and dating horses or dating any other animal. Yeah, and about me owning a tortoise. You're going to love helping Eddie not have a tortoise. You're going to talk him down. Or to have one.

You have one for sale. Also message. And you're going to laugh thinking about how you're not sending emails about people eating poop or people dating animals anymore. Yeah. And we're going to come up with new topics and everybody's going to. Every week before we walk in here, we say we're not going to do it. And then it happens. It's just if it wasn't so compelling. It really is. If I didn't. But I swear we're going to. See you impelling. Yes. Last week we didn't. Last week we didn't.

Did we not? I don't think we did. I don't remember anything the moment I walk out of this room. I try not to think.

I don't want to know what I said. I don't want to know what I said. I believe last week it was me saying I wanted to knock Merrick Garland's glasses off his face because I didn't know who he was. Okay, fuckers. So go do the last podcast on the left. See us on tour. We're coming out. Denver was incredible. We can't wait to see you. Seattle, baby. June 8th. All right. All right, fuckers. Hail Satan. Hail Tim Crawford. Sure. Hopefully he didn't do anything too bad.

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