Side Stories: The Death of OJ Simpson
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Hello! Ed Larson and Amber Nelson from the Brighter Side here to check in with you, see how you're doing. Is your day more disappointing than a gas station sandwich? Are you trying to put one foot in front of the other in a glue factory? Did you try to throw your air fryer in the bathtub but nothing happened because you were too lazy to plug it in first? Then the Brighter Side podcast is for you! Oh yeah! E!

Each week we take nasty, dooky, stupid, dumb, stinky, no good, doo-doo factory, boo, caca-like topics and try to find the brighter side. Hey, Amber, what's the brighter side of waking up chained to a bed in Russia? Um, at least they have free health care. That's right. So start your weekend off right every Friday with The Brighter Side on The Last Podcast Network. You beautiful babies.

There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Come on, girl. Show me where you're at. Slip it around, girl. We going? We recording? Oh, great. Oh, perfect.

Man, my mother was in town. Thank you so much for entertaining my mother, Eddie. I had such a good time with her. Yeah, honestly, she did very, very good. She was at our live recording at the SiriusXM garage for our new show, The Last Update on the Left. A lot of fun. Stood up, took a wave. She did exclaim immediately how happy she was that she got applause. But you know what I discovered this week that I really want to give to our audience? And this is an extremely...

profound lesson I have learned. From your mother? Yes, this week. Which is...

If you've got an agitated boomer on your hands, right? Let's say you got one. They're puttering around there. They are fucking with where you're putting stuff, right? They're moving stuff from shelf to shelf. They are trying to fix things, but they can't fix things. They're like dangling off a ladder. Were you trying to reorganize your kitchen? Just stuff like that where you're like, you know, when they're like, at that point, you could use a little love. Absolutely. But I'm still just saying like when they're at that point of agitation where they are attached to a weather vane or they've crawled to the up to the side of

of a chimney for somehow they've gotten on the roof. They're on top of the garage. Yeah. No, they always make the wrong choice. I don't know why. I don't know what happens. I remember one time I was moving a couch with my buddy for my mom and then we were on the stairs and for some reason she snaked her way under my legs. Yes. And then like got underneath the middle of the couch and we're like, get out of here. Am I helping? You are going to die. Yes. But you know what I, you know what I've learned? You know what you do?

If anywhere within a 15 foot like audible distance, if you put on Sebastian Maniscalco on a television, that calms a boomer down. Yeah. I put my mom in front. It literally calms me down too. I figured out. My mom was getting agitated. I was like, I got to figure out what to do. I put her on the couch. I put on, I literally made a playlist of Sebastian Maniscalco who she had never really seen before. Really? And I just went through. I showed her all of it and she was just like, oh.

Like, I mean it. She smiled more than my wedding. She was, she came in all the time. She was like, would you believe he made a bid? Oh yes. The kid identifying as a lion. I don't know what the remotes do. You don't mean like stuff like that. She just, ah, wow. So just know if you got an agitated boomer before you get to screaming them about their, how their future is shorter than they want it to be.

Put on Sebastian Maniscalco. Bring peace to your home. Thank you, Sebastian. Sebastian's great. He is helping us. I think he's going to avert the next January 6th. If he just shows up, this is where Biden could really use Sebastian Maniscalco. Is that after the election, if it all goes south or north, either way, if it goes bad or good, you have Sebastian Maniscalco on the fucking call. So he can show up in the front. If they're building an insurrection. He's very likable. If he gets in front of there, it's going to be like,

Would you believe that I, the Toast, even coming here. Like as soon as he starts doing the bit, they're all going to be like, yeah, Sebastian, you got it. It's going to just shut it down. Psychological warfare. Use comedy for good. Hell yeah, man. I really wish. Welcome to Side Stories. I'm Henry Zebrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. How you doing? I wish I was smart enough to not really enjoy Sebastian.

You know, I'm not saying he's not funny. That's not what this is about. He's very funny. He's very funny. I don't know why. He's fine. I put on his shit. I'm slapping my knee. I don't know what's going on. I feel like. I go to another world. I feel like with the last special, he got a little ahead of himself. It wasn't great. It's a little bit with the shiny tuxedo. I like the old stuff. I like the old stuff too. But he does mug.

Oh, yeah. It's all mugs. But that's me too. I understand. It's all mugs. It's just from one mugging artist to another IC. He's a performer. He is. And God, though. But again, if you just are looking to stop a confrontation. The old people love him. They love him. Did you see when he tried to host the MTV Awards and everyone's like, who is this guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly. And he doesn't know who they are. Yeah. He doesn't know who fucking, I don't know who half these people are. So who is Ice Spice?

Is that from the original? Everyone loves her. She's very hot. Who is she? She's beautiful. She's got red hair. Yeah. Yeah, she's got red hair. She's got little shorts. Yeah, she's cute. Yeah, yeah. Her shorts are really small. But I've never heard her songs. Yeah. But yeah, that's an example. I tried to listen to her music and...

Yeah, I didn't like it. It's not for us. It's fine, though. It's not for me. But I did try. But Sebastian Mamoscalco does look out at that audience. And he's like, who are, what do you even believe? Who is this guy? What is this guy? That's all you got to do. Yeah. He's a genius. Yeah, he is. That's what I want to get to. But thank you, Sebastian. You're going to help our country. 2025 is going to be a stable year because of you. Now, we got some updates. Time to start with the update.

So, number one, Ethan Crumbly. We asked last week, we asked the question. We're going to get to the biggest story of the week. Yeah. There's obviously the biggest story of the week, which is the story that comes out always the minute Side Stories is published. Yeah. That's how you know that's the number one story. Wednesday's a big news day. Apparently. But why can't people just hold on?

We come out, we record on Tuesdays. If we could just hold to the very last minute, we could jump in, because I was going to go into Ethan Crumbly for some reason up top, but we can't. No, there's bigger news. There's much bigger news. Yeah, there's fucking juice that needs to be squeezed, man. Yes, OJ Simpson died. Now, we here at Last Podcast and The Laugh have been obviously obsessed with OJ Simpson, as has the rest of the world, since he brilliantly used- Is he the biggest star of murder? No. No.

No. Who's the biggest star of murder? Charles Manson. You think so? I think of murder, even though I feel like that's an incorrect labeling of him, I think that if he's not the most famous murderer in terms of the, because then he got later, because he was famous for not murder. I'm thinking of a famous for murder. Who? Charles Manson.

Charles Manson. He's not, but he didn't murder. But he didn't. I'm just saying if you were to ask somebody, choose a serial killer off the top of your mind. Well, OJ's not a serial killer. He's a spree killer. Hey, name a murderer. Someone would probably say Jeffrey Dahmer or John Wayne Gacy. Maybe that's me. Are you sure? I feel like OJ's the first one off most people's lips. Sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. Will you go to your local, either when you're on your way to the doctor or if you're at a grocery store? Can you lean over right now? I think the general public...

Please, somebody that you have never seen before, I would like for you, my intrepid listener, to lean over and ask them, name a murderer, and see who they send it. And I want you to send it to sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com, and we will take a look at those statistics. But that does not change the fact that we lost an incredible football player last week.

O.J. Simpson is dead. Apparently, do you see the whole thing about how he had his kids sign an NDA for his deathbed? Oh, really? Oh, yes. I think that what he was doing... Wait, what is he going to do? Sue him? Well, I think what he was doing... How do you sign an NDA for your death? O.J. Simpson's a full egomaniac. No way. I know. Did you see the video that he made?

where he said he definitely wasn't going into ho spice. Oh yeah. Oh, we also, I've been calling it ho spice a lot because that's hospice. I know I've been trying to do a new, I want to do a remarketing of hospice called ho spice where you do is you got to get ice spice for this. Yes. I want to have a scantily clad nurses deliver your final moments and, and take care of it. I know my father would have appreciated that. I would like to do a thing called ho spice where you have, um,

girls, women, and maybe some, and then some men, people identify as women. Like the idea of like, you know, tank tops, very traditional, short shorts, but they're... Hooter outfits. Yes, but they're ho-spice outfits and they're nurses. They're going to take care of you. Can we use the Hooters logo and just say ho-spice? That's what I was hoping to. But then it would become like more like hooters.

Who's Spice? Your Spice, My Spice, Our Spice. Who's Spice? And it's like Jackie and I were joking, we're saying that does that confuse things if you make it Who's Spice versus Who's Spice? They don't know what they're talking about anyway. Yeah, they're all garbled out of morphine. They're just looking for tits and they're actually probably thinking it's their daughter. You know what most of the people dying, what you call them? Old Spice.

And that's what O.J. Simpson was. But he made a little video just like basically just very confident. Hello, X-World. Hey there, X-World. Which he changed from Twitter World, which I'm angry about. That actually almost makes me just as angry as the murders. Yeah. Is the fact that he switched the branding. That he conformed? Yes. Yes.

And so he comes out, he says he was like definitely not going into hospice. That not only was he not going to hospice, he's like, but me and my family were having over 100 people over my house for the Super Bowl Sunday. And it was him talking about Super Bowl and all this kind of stuff. And he looked fine.

Well, he was sitting in a car and it was shot like... He was sitting in his car and so it shot it through the window of his car for some reason. I just don't understand because when I enter into House Spice, I promise you that's when I'm on my apology tour. That is when I will be talking about... That's when you're vulnerable. You don't double down. You don't need all of this supernatural confidence when you are actively dying. Because he had a moment here. He really could have maybe...

said something about what he was going through. He does not want to give anybody the opportunity. And I think the reason why he had his kids sign an NDA on his deathbed was, again, an offshoot of his ego, where it wasn't that he was worried about, like, it's just more just like, my now, my, my, my, I believe that it means his, what's the term? The foundation, what do you call what he's leaving behind? His estate. His estate. But it goes to the Goldmans.

His lawyers are saying that he's going to make sure the Goldman's don't get a dime. How? Because they're the most crooked, horrible people on the face of the planet. And so they don't want him to have any money. It's too bad. They don't want him to get any of that money. They're trying to figure out how. They're putting it into foundations. They're trying to give it to OJ's kids. They're trying to do anything but give it to the Goldman's. And we'll see how that pans out for them. But I think he just signed the NDA as one last, you will not.

disrespect me. You will not use this moment to you go write your little like tell all memoir about the last words I said on my fucking in my mom, my deathbed, which are probably like, hello, devil world. You mean like he just was a bout to be dead. But the thing is, how do they control that? He's dead. Oh,

Well, I think it's because the estate can sue. The estate can sue? I don't know. His ghost can sue? I don't think that's real. Sidestories, LPOTL at gmail.com. I believe his eternal living legal representation of his existence can sue, but I'm not certain. Do you want to hear some responses from the world about this? Yeah. This was a tweet from the official Heisman Trophy account. Oh.

They said the Heisman Trophy mourns the passing of the 1968 Heisman Trophy winner O.J. Simpson. We extend our sympathy to his sympathy. Yeah, yeah. To his family. Yeah, so that's the O.J. that they miss. It's the child O.J. Yeah. Yeah, we all do. Alan Dershowitz, he said... Oh.

I can't believe Dershowitz outlived him. Well, I'm so glad. What did he say? What did old so-and-so up to? Dershowitz said, OJ Simpson played an important role in exposing the racial divisions in America. His trial also exposed police corruption among some officials in the Los Angeles Police Department. He is not incorrect.

He will leave a mixed legacy. Great athlete. Many people think he was guilty. Some think he was innocent. That's true.

That's what Dershowitz said. OJ and his lawyer. I love throwing the great athlete in there. I don't know why. Why do you feel like you need to say that? It's the only compliment people can think of about him. Yeah, he was a great athlete. That's just a fact. I don't even think that's a compliment anymore. White House Press Secretary Corinne Jean-Pierre said that our thoughts are with...

his families during this difficult time. Why would you even express that? Obviously, with his family and loved ones. We killed his family. Obviously, with his family and loved ones. And I'll say this. I know that they have asked for some privacy, and so we're going to respect that. From who? The Biden administration? It's O.J. Simpson's family. O.J. Simpson, he also then was civilly made guilty. Caitlyn Jenner, good riddance. Hashtag O.J. Simpson. Oh.

hashtag OJ Simpson. Un-fucking-believable. Just one last little trend-getting piece of fuck. David Zucker, director

Director of the Naked Gun movies. The Zucker Brothers, yeah. R.I.P. Nordberg. Yeah, I miss Nordberg. Yeah, his acting was a lot like his murdering. He got away with it and no one believed him. Good work, Zucker. Magic Johnson had a tweet. Oh. Cookie and I are praying for the O.J. Simpson children and his grandchildren following his passing. I know this is a difficult time. Another person who I'm very surprised about.

Outlived OJ Simpson. He is fine. He is doing great. Wow. What a loss. Oh, here's what Fred Goldman said, father of Ron Goldman. Oh, well, yeah, sure. The only thing I have to say is that it's just a further reminder of Ron being gone all these years. Yes. It's no great loss to the world. None. It's a further reminder of Ron being gone.

Well, O.J. Simpson, we say see you in hell. I can't believe that he, that chapter of American history is now closed. It does sort of feel, I do feel the same way that I felt when Charles Manson died, which is aversion.

of sadness that I don't know why I feel that way. Yeah, no, I mean, it's a, you know, it's nostalgia. It's not sad. I'm not sad that he's dead. No, but it's time has passed. It's just weird that now he's gone. It's like another piece of like what was sort of like a permanent media tapestry is gone. Yeah. It's more of a reflection on

Am I going to be dead soon? I mean, eventually. Yeah. But not soon. Do you know what's going on? Immediately after he passed away, like three days afterwards, the people who own the Bronco put it up for sale. Well, that's what you were saying right before the show. That is what they were waiting for. Simpsons former agent Michael Gilbert and two friends of the original owner, Al Cowlings,

are trying to sell it for $1.5 million. They're going to get it, too. In 1993, they received an offer for $750,000.

And right now, do you know? Wow. That's going to be worth that has to be worth more now that he's dead. They've been waiting for this this whole time. Oh, yeah. I knew that we're going to cash out the day he died. They've been they've the car has been on loan. The Bronco has been on loan to the Alcatraz East Crime Museum in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. No shit. I didn't know that. It's been sitting there for a while. They've been they've been they use a cool car. It's a cool car. It isn't a crime exhibit.

Other cars there are the car from Bonnie and Clyde. Oh, yes. From the movie. Yes. Not the real one. John Dillinger's 1933 Red Essex is there. That's cool. And Ted Bundy's 1968 Volkswagen Beetle is also there. Holy shit. They've got some good cars there. Talk about, I want to see the Pixar movie of those cars. That's the movie.

That would be fucking crazy. Car prison? Car prison? Pigeon Forged Tennessee? Cars in prison? That would be pretty good. Just get all of our favorites, the voices, all these guys, like Ted Bundy. He's like, oh, it's Paul Giamatti. Yeah, they say that the Bronco is the second most famous car in history behind the Lincoln Continental limo that Kennedy was shot in. I could see that. It was all over television, and it is going to get those guys a pretty penny. Yeah.

And for a little while, they had it at the Luxor. Wow. They had it at the Luxor? Yeah, for like a sports museum. What? Yeah, so the Bronco was at the Luxor for a little bit. Vegas is undefeated, man. What we got to do is I would like our listeners, maybe let's get a pool going. If we could all put in enough money.

Let's buy the white Bronco for the last podcast community. Oh, my God. Just put our logo on the side of it and just drive around and we'll do meals on wheels. Right? We'll do meals on wheels because then we'll drive around and we'll come out with a black ski mask on, but then we'll use the knife to cut cake. Wow. Oh, my God. Poor Al Cowlings. In 96, he sold the car for 75 grand. Dumb. Wrong. Wrong.

You didn't think that OJ wasn't going to die? Yeah. You didn't think that was going to come? I know. So that's a long time. That's almost 30 years you're holding on to this thing. And it's a lot of money for $75,000 in 96. Especially for a fucking Bronco. Absolutely. Wow. So bye, OJ. We'll see you when we see you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fly from your grave.

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choose your tone, enter what you need, and get auto-generated text. And that helps you save time. I know I'm sitting on about two literal wheelbarrows filled with horse pics. Now, part of the issue has been is a lot of these pictures are getting stopped at customs because some of them do depict various world leaders in horse-like circumstances that seems to be

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And then also I got a little bit of an update on Ethan Crumbly. So this was I was just asking the question the last time about was Ethan Crumbly now going to be in jail with his father, dude?

New court calls came out with jail calls from the father came out. Ethan Crumbly's dad that now has just been his pay. So Ethan Crumbly, for those of you that don't remember, he was a school shooter that he shot several people in, but now his parents have been for the first time ever have been convicted of manslaughter for essentially not doing anything to stop Ethan Crumbly and giving him the gun and giving him the gun and just kind of like,

clearing the way for him to do his crime. But the father has been openly threatening the prosecutor. All this kind of crazy shit. Oh, imagine what he was saying to the kid. Oh, yeah. A lot of stuff came out. Like before all this. Seriously. So, I mean, just think of it. That kind of person. But, yeah. So they are now, they got sentenced. They're in jail. Also, Hannah Gutierrez, the armorer from Rust, was just sentenced to 18 months in jail. That's it? Yeah.

that's them throwing the book at her. That's as much as they could get. Really? Because of the way the charges worked out. And I think it was completely deserved. The whole time she seemed bored. Her, like, final statement before her sentencing was all like, I'm human. It's more her fault than anyone else's. Well, if you watched once the video, I saw the video during the trial of

of the behavior of the stunt people with her on set with the guns and it's out of control. Like you're watching stunt men, like one, like hands, a child, a gun, and he's going like, boom, boom. And the actual, like you see a useful, like an actual, like a fireable shotgun. And then she's got one gun pointed to her face. She're all doing, it's just like, it was a shit show. We were extremely lucky. Only one person got murdered on that set. It's very, very sad. And then,

comes Alec Baldwin. Ooh, I can't wait for the trial. Oh, yeah. We'll see. Honestly, we'll still see if he goes to jail before Trump. It's going to be ridiculous. I just don't want to even I'll just delete the fucking Internet for that. Yeah.

I'll just delete the, I'll just walk away. But we were asking the question last week, will Ethan Crumbly serve time with his father? And I got a good, interesting email to answer that. So Ethan Crumbly, no, he will not be with his dad in prison. Even though Ethan Crumbly was convicted as an adult, he's still under 18 and Michigan law requires him to be 100% out of sight and sound of any adult inmates at all times because he is still underage. Even when he turns 18, you can join the gen pop,

prisons are usually divided up by age group and threat level. So it's very unlikely that he will ever cross paths with his dad while in prison. Did he get life?

He got life. Ethan Crumbly got it, but the father got manslaughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He got 10 to 15 years. Also, yes, this type of manslaughter is considered a violent crime because there were death injuries involved that were, at least in the eyes of the law, a result of his parents' choices. So that's very, very interesting. And then can they visit each other? No. That's what he's saying here, that they can't even see each other. Wow.

Wow. And the child inmate and an adult inmate cannot even be, he said, within eyes, 100% out of sight. Also, when you get arrested with somebody, they try to keep you away from them. I remember when we all got arrested in Tallahassee. I wasn't allowed to visit my friends that I got arrested with. Yeah, because they're trying to flip each one of you. They're trying to figure out which one of you will flip. Well, this is months after everyone got convicted and sentenced.

Well, they still, they just don't want you guys ever. I feel like there's some, I wonder what that, maybe I'm incorrect. I don't know. It's sidestorydellpotl at gmail.com. We have so many great lawyers that listen. Please answer. Yeah, I'd love to know. I was eventually allowed to see one of them. Like after like six months had passed, I was like, hey, can I go see this guy? Like, what the fuck? And then finally they let me go. Yes. Well, so weird. Yeah. We'll get that answer next week.

And I unfortunately received an email about masturbating female horses. Now, I... We asked for it, so you can't really say unfortunately. I'm not going to... I don't want to do this.

So I was sent an article. Yeah, I didn't read it. Oh, buddy. Oh, it's unpleasant. Yeah. It's extremely unpleasant. It was about a woman. It says an in-depth interview included commentary on horse clits and horse pussy tasting for fresh cut grass. Like fresh cut grass. This man is bad. There's a man that wrote an article about, it was an interview from the cut where,

with a man that is trying to change everybody's mind about him legally dating a horse. Is he legally dating the horse? No one legally dates a horse. Yeah, so what the fuck? How is he not in jail after this article came out? This guy basically sort of semi-reveals that he is a part of a gigantic community...

of people that make they view it as making love to animals like they're dating and in relationships with animals he says he has a doctor he has a therapist that he talks through with it he has a veterinarian that is with him when he's fucking the horse that veterinarian should be fucking disbarred I don't know if that's a thing but he says it's not dirty because the veterinarian looks away

Then what's the point of it being there? Because he... If he's looking away. He's looking at the horse. It's like, so he's going at it. I'm sorry, everybody, by the way. We're not supposed to do this. I'm not doing this anymore. We're not supposed to do this, but this is too crazy. I'm not doing this anymore. But he basically says he has a horse he dates and he has a horse that he just hangs out with. And he says that, he says one of the saddest things about horses is that they're always saying goodbye.

Because a horse got to go from one place to another. And so he's had a lot of... Horses say hello. I just think that the man is... And they say nay. Also, by the way, sir. Yeah, the man's misguided. He says he's... So he's straight for horses. He only dates mare horses. But he's gay for men. He only dates men for humans. But he doesn't take it up the butt because his hemorrhoids are too bad. So he has to be the top. And he says he's sad. He wishes he got the intimacy of being a bottom.

This does not deserve to have an article. We just have to stop. It's a huge article. It's a huge article talking about how it's his head. What's his day job? He says he's got a full-time job. He says he has kids. Kids? Yeah. He's got goats too? Ha ha ha ha.

This guy is bad. It's not good. The article's called, What's It Like to Date a Horse? And I'll tell you what, it's not dating. Oh, it came out in 2014. Yeah, it's not dating, guys. It's a horse. I'm just... I'm not trying to... It's just not good. You can't shame this person, Henry. It's not good. I will allow it. I don't like it. I don't care about...

This is not a kink thing. I know. It's not. This is horse fucking. It's horse fucking. That is a bug. This is not a kink. So if you're super curious, you can go look up that article and you can read that for yourself because there's a lot of stuff. It's old. It's old. It is unfortunately enlightening because there is information in there. Do you ever watch Zoo?

Unfortunately, yes. Did you see any similarities? Yes. Do you think that zoo inspired people to fuck more horses? Yes. But he says in a positive way because it makes them be more careful.

No. They learn the wrong lessons, Eddie. They're learning the wrong lessons again and again. What's your non-human animal you're fucking? None. None? Absolutely zero. Yeah, well, you got to pick one. Why? Because I'm asking. So do I have a gun to my head? Is it if I'm going to have any fucking animal you're going to blow my brains out? Yeah, sure. I have to answer this? You got to answer this. I have to choose it. I'll answer it too. I'll answer it too if it makes you feel better. It does. Okay, so yeah, so we'll both put ourselves out there.

You got to do it.

Chimpanzee. Chimpanzee. Yeah, that's a great, that's a good one. If I had to. Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense. Just because it could maybe make some form of communication. And they kiss. And they do sign language. Yeah, that's smart. Which is so you guys don't know, if you can't see the show right now, you can see it on Patreon. Yeah. But I'm showing the eternal signal. One finger in a hole. Yeah, this is the actual sign language. And I just keep seeing your wedding ring go back and forth. And so will that chip. Yeah, yeah, hell yeah. I'm fucking a pig.

They got nice skin. Well, I'm just glad that... But you have a beautiful wife. I do. And said why. Yeah, we have both very beautiful wives. I don't want to have sex with an animal. I'm not going to fuck a pig. No more of this. No. You want to talk about it? I just said it was an update we received because it was a question I asked last week and it is not...

Oh, it just doesn't have a fun answer. Sometimes we don't need to ask every question. I love to answer the questions because I'm glad I have the information, but I'm feeling like the audience... It's good to have in your pocket. Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah, for parties. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can't wait. One of my favorite things in L.A., too, because I don't get enough weird looks at parties as it is, and so it's nice to come in and come in hard with that. Do you know horses have clits? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Being like, you ever seen a horse's clit? I have it on my phone. Freshly cut grass. You know what that reminds me of?

At the Yankee Candle store? Yeah. Ooh. Reminds me of my college girlfriend.

How come only Southerners buy Yankee candles? That's a good question. That's a great question. I don't know. Yeah. Because they're fucking traitors, as they've always been. They are. Cowards. Cowards. If you live in the South and you're buying a Yankee candle, fucking check your bullshit. I want to see an antebellum candle company. Yeah. All right. And now. This is perfect. And now it's time for a public service announcement for Marcus Parks. For me, it'd probably be a deer.

Yeah. Because they're nice and, you know, they... I was trying to move on. I was trying to get us... We were trying to move us forward. Yeah. Yeah, buddy. I'm just here to talk to you about last update on the left to clarify a little bit about what's going on with that show. Due to what we went through last week,

In order to keep the lights on here at LPN, in order to keep our 15 full-time employees paid, in order to keep their health insurance, we agreed to do a third podcast for the Sirius XM app.

For the app. For the app. And it's just another show. We've been working extremely hard on it. It's a part of our contract. Some people would call it a contractual obligation, but we call it an exciting new venture and last podcast on the left. But hey, we're working hard on it. So go check it out and you can either opt in or not. It's a fun choice that's up to you.

And we are working our asses off on it. We got a whole team of people that's really making sure that this show is up to our standards. And one, just so you know, we are working on towards, one of our goals with the show is we will be able to release it to everyone at some point. So just know that. Like, we're just our... Yeah, yeah. I mean, we're still doing all the other shows. We're still doing our shit. We're talking about masturbating female horses. Yeah.

We're still doing every, you know, Side Stories is still free. Last Podcast on the Left is still free. Everything that was free before Last Stream is still free. Yes. There's a hell of a whole lot of stuff for free out there. We're working hard. So we're working damn hard. You know, we're going to be bringing the same shit that we've been bringing you guys for many, many, many, many, many years. And we'll continue to do so for many, many, many more. So thanks, everybody, for listening. Thanks for, you know, hearing us out and listening.

I'm going to go think about whether or not deer truly is my choice as to which animal I would have sex with. Just get out of here and tell Carolina. Just get the fuck out of here. Thank you, Marcus! Sometimes it takes a father. Bye, Marcus. Also, three months free when you sign up for the Sirius app. Yes, it is. It seems to be almost like a thing you could or could not do, Eddie. If you wait three months and then...

Go to Sirius and get the three months. And then you listen to all, binge it. However you want to do it. And then you don't have to pay for it for a cent. Or sit in a chair. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stare forward.

as we do. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But now let's get to some stories. I like stories. I like stories. So number one story, obviously, thank you, God, for sending us this story. John Wayne Bobbitt, whose wife famously chopped off his penis. I love the fact that it... Do people know about, like, do the youngsters know about John Wayne Bobbitt? I don't know. I know that there was a docuseries that focused

on Lorena Bobbitt. For those of you that don't remember, so this story happened, I believe, yeah, they were married. It was John Wayne Bobbitt, another John Wayne. It's a bad name. Yeah. And he was married to Lorena Bobbitt. They got married on June 18th, 1989. In 1993, Lorena severed John's penis with a knife while he was asleep in bed. And

Eventually, she would escape and run away. She threw the penis out the window. It was picked up. It was reattached. We know now, at first, that story took over the whole fucking news. Everybody was so obsessed with the story. I was 11 years old, and everyone was joking about it. Constantly. It was like teachers were joking about this. Just constantly. But now we know that John Wayne Bobbitt...

very significantly abused Lorena Bobbitt. That's the reason why she got off. She got it for temporary insanity when they went and they, but obviously John Wayne Bobbitt is just not a nice guy. So later on, he got his penis reattached. He did some pornography with his big, horrible, stupid, weird Franken penis. And then,

All around untalented person. But John Wayne Bobbitt apparently also has been struggling with keeping his toes. So now that he's back in the news for losing toes, he had his toes amputated. But at first I saw this thing and I was excited because it was like, yes, new amputations. I thought that he was like, I thought this was... I wonder if he's going to get new toes.

I was hoping that he would get these toes, that we were going to pop off these toes. Because again, Rob did bring up that this is the closest to our 420 episode. Oh, yes, it is. And so I kind of want to change shit to fucking John Bobbitt toes as my new word for nugs. I'm going to grind up some John Bobbitt toes this fucking weekend. But I don't want to smoke John Bobbitt toes. Dude, why not, man? They're green and fuzzy, dawg.

He fucking got them little hairs, dog, them crystals. Come on, son. Get them bobbing toes up in here. We're grinding up. Get that funky, funky, funky in the cateau. I know his foot is blunt now. Yes. So he got diagnosed with toxic peripheral polyneuropathy. Polyneuropathy, whatever you call it. Now, apparently, so, and this brings another perfect last podcast reference in.

He lost it because of the horrible, tainted waters of Camp Lejeune. Now, Camp Lejeune. Tell me about Camp Lejeune. I don't know much about this. I was puzzled at the beginning, I believe, of last year because we went back on tour. Whenever I was back in a hotel room and everywhere you go around this country, all you see is like get involved in the class action lawsuit against the people that ran Camp Lejeune, which was a Marine Corps. It was the Camp Lejeune basically. He was a Marine.

I believe he was. He was a Marine. I know he was. So this is where he was. So he got Marine Corps base. The Marine Corps base Camp Lejeune is a site of one of the worst water contamination cases in U.S. history. Wow.

Wow. The base was a frequent pollution spot where oil, industrial wastewater, and toxic chemicals used as degreasers and solvents were all knowingly dumped in the local storm drains between 1952 and 1987. That's a long time. Apparently, he got a tiny cut on his toes, and then weird-like shit got up into his fucking toe holes, and then he got a bone disease because of the toe holes, and they've been slowly but surely sending his toes off to see his ghost penis, and...

And they just like one by one, but I guess they finally popped off the last two did. I'm telling you, bro, we need water shoes.

Next time we go in the ocean or some shit, water shoes. Why? Because this happens more than you would like. The only reason it's in the news is because someone chopped off his penis. Otherwise, we wouldn't even be fucking talking about this. Why do I need water shoes? Because you stub your toes in the water, it starts to bleed, and that's when the fucking bacteria that's in there starts coming into your fucking bloodstream. Yes. And as we get older, our bodies do not heal as quickly.

So we need, next time we're going into the beach or some shit, water shoes. Are we getting old? Dude, I'm telling you, you'll love it. I tried it once. It's unbelievable. Water shoes, but don't sand get in them? Yes. Yeah, and then they go full of water. But it's better. I'm telling you, you can step on rocks. You can just walk on rocks. I mostly sit in a chair.

I'm not, I'm not an ocean swimming guy. Oh, okay. I go when I swim a little bit. I float. Yeah. But I think you're right. I would do some of these. I'm bringing water shoes to Australia. You were showing some Nike water shoes and that is a sin. That looks like, that is a horrible shoe. It works. I can't be caught dead in this shoe. You're going to be in the water. I can't. You don't wear them on land. I thought you would like these. I can't be seen in those shoes because I have a reputation to uphold.

These are great. You don't like these? People look at my shoes. You can wear the stupid shoes you always wear. The ones with the fucking, the ones with the holes in it that look like Crocs, kind of. Yeah, Crocs. No, but not the Crocs. The ones that are like... Oh, from Siam, my guy. Siam! Those! You can wear those in the water. Yeah, I stopped watching because they started hurting my toes.

Speaking of wearing my toes. Yeah, man. No, I had to stop wearing mine too. That's sad. It hurts too much. I know, and you look so good. I was doing two socks. Yeah, I might get you a bigger size next time. But then it just flies off. Yeah. There's something. I think they just need to be stretched out or something.

I'll tell him. I've been sending him emails. He doesn't get back. But John Wayne Bobbitt, he's toeless. He said he's walking around with canes now. I do think that we should get him some. Cocaines. Cocaines. Two canes. I feel like he could get, wow, yeah. John Wayne Bobbitt's not looking good. Did he get remarried?

I don't know. You know, I don't know. I mean, his legs are going to go. If they're slowly removing toes, the foot's next, then it's going to go above the knee. Yes, he's going to become a space shuttle. Men. Slowly but surely, they will do. Yeah, he did get remarried on his 35th birthday. Nice. Wow. That's good for him. Wow. I wonder if he can have kids.

Yeah, his penis works. Side stories, L-P-O-T-L at gmail.com. You're getting there. No, I know that. His penis works. Cum shoots through. Have you ever seen the porn that he was in? No, I don't fucking... Why would I watch that porn? For the sake of this? No, I've never been like, oh, this dude's in a porn. I gotta check it out. That's never happened to me. Well, you know, sometimes you get curious. Did you watch the Screech porn?

I saw pictures of it. You don't have to see everything. Screen grabs. You can just hear about things sometimes. I'm extremely curious.

And I always want to know. I always want to know for certain. Like, it's my favorite thing. I got to know. As soon as it's there, maybe it's my OCD. But as soon as it's an option, I'm looking at it. Nah, you don't have to. You just learn about it. And then people tell you about it, you're like, oh, this happened. But you know, recently I was reading about the, okay, so Plato talks about the idea of shadows. Reality being shadows. Plato against the walls of a cave. Plato hates shadows. It was barking at him. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm talking about Pluto. That's Pluto. But you see, there was a story here. I'm going to pull this up here. I want you to understand that knowledge is something that you don't understand. I think you have the knowledge without looking at it. I have. I know that John Wayne Bobbitt was in a porno. He has a Franken penis. There was a Pharaoh that met with the God of knowledge. Tote. Right. T H O T H. And Tote brought Tote.

to this Pharaoh the powers of writing, the powers of academics, the powers of mathematics. And Pharaoh turned to the god and said, ah, yes, this will allow our knowledge to spread throughout the world. But the problem with writing, dear Toth, is that even though in your godly wisdom I understand and know your gifts are wise, but then...

But then it will allow those that do not receive that information that has been created within our brains from experience. The most important thing a man can have, experience. It will then be cheapened by writing. And it will allow so-called wise men to read these words without experiencing the knowledge within their legs.

and chest and brains, their physical brains, that they will get to read it. And then it will separate us from our divine knowledge of the gods. Oh. John Wayne Bobbitt ain't got no toad. That's a duality of men. Fly from your grave.

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All right, we got a lot of fucking stories here. We should fly through these. All right, real quick. So the next one, it's really, so yeah, by John Wayne, Bobbitt's toes. I hope the rest of them goes next. Now we have the old lady shot her intruder. We can just skip past this, but I think it's worth acknowledging. The reason why this is an awesome story. So this is an 85 year old woman. This was in Idaho. Obviously she was packing.

She had a 35. Her name was Christine Janayan, I believe is how you pronounce it. She's 85 years fun. She had a .357 Magnum underneath her pillow in her bed. Now, it's fucking badass. It's awesome. She probably had a husband who slept with it. A lot of times, widows who had husbands who slept with guns in the bed keep the gun in the bed after the husband dies. Because it's like a memory. Because it's like him being there. Yeah, and he was fucking there. He saved her ass. He did.

But you just get used to it being under the pillow, right? Yeah, you can't sleep with it. It's like Princess and the 357 Magnum. Can't she sleep knowing she has the ability to defend herself? So this guy broke into her house while she was asleep. The man by the name of Derek Condon, he looks, unfortunately, you can see here in his mugshot, he's got that gross-ass weird, like, gote is longer than the rest of the beard look.

And so he came in, he hit this old woman in the head. He had been casing it, the house, I guess. And he said, I want you to take me to the valuables. He pressed a gun to her head. He tied her to a chair. He then, she then said, sent him downstairs. He said, go look, it's down there. She then

While bound in the chair, scooted the chair over to the bed, got the .357 Magnum out from underneath the pillow. The dude came up being like, where's the shit? You told me it was downstairs. And she fucking unloaded on him, shot him a couple times. He shot her three times and she lived.

That is a fucking intense woman, dude. That guy's dead. I do feel, you know, it's bad. To lose life is bad, but... And I don't necessarily always... This is a fight. This is a straight up fight. And she won.

Never underestimate your grandma. No. Because some of these grandmothers are fucking, they are strong. Natalie's grandma is honestly one of the most physically strong human beings I've ever seen. She still has a grandma? Yeah, she's 90. That's wild.

wild. She's 90. She pulls in her own boat off the lake. She like pulls it by a rope. She like makes her own. She's very, very strong. I haven't had any grandparents in over 30 years. Yeah, I get to go see when everyone's wild. It's nice. It is nice. Because she's a nice one. Yeah. It's not like she didn't get she's not, you know, brain wormed by the internet. Yeah. I like adopting old people.

You know, like when I meet a new old person, I got this new neighbor, Helen. She's great. Yeah, you love her. Yeah, she's like 70-something. She's fucking awesome. You know what the thing is? They're kind of like squirrels. Don't feed them because they keep showing up. I love to show up. I'm just saying, though, you don't want them in there. I like when the old ladies come by. They come by, but then they start saying stuff, and then you can get cursed. Oh, she's Asian, so I'm not worried about what she says. You don't think she could curse you in Asian if you decide... Oh, that's fine. She's allowed to curse me. She's in her 70s.

I think that we're giving a lot of allowances to these seven-year-olds. Women. I think there should be. Women. Yes. No, we've always stood on this hill. Old men go fuck. Yeah.

You know, you're on the subway and an old lady walks in, you give her your seat. An old man walks in, fucking find a new home. Except I was talking about this with all the body cam footage I watch. Old women believe that they are impervious to arrest. They all believe every single one of my body cam videos. If you're being arrested over the age of 70, things are not going well for you, obviously. But like these old ladies, they don't they literally don't believe they can be arrested.

Yeah. And they are wrong. I wish that was true, though. I don't, because some of them need to get off the streets. You think so? There was a lady, there was one Doubletree incident. I'll send you the video. This lady looks like my aunt, and she is, I mean it, just destroying a hotel. And she's going like, ah, ah! And then she, like, falls limp. They go get her, and she goes like, oh, my back! Oh!

It's like, honestly, if you did try to, I do think it would be physically impossible to arrest my mother. Like, you'd have to do what they did to this old lady. It's the same size and shape. They're all covered in baby oil. Yeah, and they tase this woman. You can't fucking hold on to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's covered in bath body works, which means she's slick as an eel. Yeah. Yeah, so it's like, they are, you can't get them. You gotta tase them. You have to tase them. And they keep, they push it. They're the ones pushing it.

So you gotta be careful. And it's the only time I truly honestly feel for the police officers because they have to deal with this. They don't want to arrest the old lady. You can tell that they don't want to deal with it because she kept being like, you bastards! You bastards! He's like, oh, you're making me do this lady. You gotta be careful. Let him go.

Tie him to a bed. You don't need to go to jail. Well, there was this one lady that they did do that. They tied her to her gurney and then they put the ankle straps in her and then they had to put the head like fucking they put like a little bag over her head. Oh, yeah. And then they have to put her on like this thing where you like kept like a corpse where they wrap up your hands. Yeah, that's better than prison.

Yeah, but you still got to eventually cool out. You got to give them an hour. Sometimes they don't, though. I think an hour, maybe two. They really got to really cool out. Yeah. Put on some court TV. They'll be fine. Sebastian Maniscalco. Exactly. That's where he comes in. That's right. That's what he needs. Every cop needs to have a little bit. They already got him. Just one pulled up. Yeah, they already got him pulled up.

And one last story. Again, we got through nothing this week. We got through nothing. It was so much stuff this week. This one last story I just want to touch on and then we can cover it in deeper things next week. I'll save my hero dog. Yes, yes. Okay. Yes, we will.

The eclipse last week drove some people completely insane. Which makes no sense to me. I didn't even know it happened. The thing about eclipses is that it does, astrologically, it does bring up, supposed to bring a chaotic element. And so what I heard was that if you were in the eclipse light, you should go and take a salt bath. That's what cleanses you of the fucking craziness or whatever. But for the most part, unless you're in total, unless you're on the path of totality, you are not going to receive the same chaotic effect. Yeah. Yeah.

So I don't know what happened with this woman. So this is a woman that was a, uh, was an influencer. Her name, fun name, Danielle Cherikaya Johnson, 34 years young, uh, stabbed her boyfriend, Jalen Chaney, 29 times. Uh, Jalen Chaney, who was 29 years old, stabbed them. I believe, I want to say it was over 20 times. Uh, they, uh, then went on a full on, uh,

tear down the 405 where this person who wasn't an astrological influencer, they were on TikTok. Yeah. They posted a bunch of weird tweets that didn't make a heck of a lot of sense. Yeah. This eclipse is the epitome of spiritual warfare. Get your protection on and get your heart in the right place. The world is very obviously changing right now. And if you ever needed to pick a side, the time to do right in your life is now. Stay strong. You got this. Yes. Her Twitter account was mysticxlip.

And her last other comment she made was, wake up, wake up. The apocalypse is here. Everyone who has ears, listen, your time to choose what you believe is now. If you believe a new world is possible for the people, retweet now. There's power and choice. There's power and choice. Repose to make the choice for the collective. She tweeted all this and then she stabbed her boyfriend and then she dumped her two kids.

out of her car while she was driving 50 miles an hour down the 405, which is really, really sad. Which is impossible to do. Yes. It's very congested. It's really, really sad. A nine-year-old girl was the, the nine-year-old of the family died. She also had an infant in her arms. The infant was immediately struck by another car. This all happened 340 a.m. Monday in the lead up to the eclipse.

Uh, then she then would go on to drive her car to a tree and she would die herself. Now this is, it's really fucked up, man. Imagine being the person driving that hit the baby. Oh, it's, it's horrible. It's horrifying. That person's life is over. It's one of my, it's like, that is a massive intrusive thought I have. It's like driving down the street and having a kid like jump out from behind two cars. Yeah. Oh my God. It's terrifying. I remember one time Julie hit a cat.

You know, and that was like, that shook her for a very long time. She hit a cat. She had a cat on, we were on Jersey Turnpike and it like, it literally just, it sprinted out right in front of her and she hit a cat. And then right afterwards, I'm like, oh my God, you hit that possum. You know, just like, I tried. Yeah, good work. She was like, that was like, I know. I was like, I tried. I'm sorry. I just tried to be good. I was trying to be good. But yeah, that woman, B-

And she's not anymore. No, she's dead. And she was a divine healer. So that's unfortunate because you can't do that after you're dead.

Yeah. Do you think that she hit the tree on purpose? Yes. It seems like it was suicide. I think that she was. Do you think she realized what she had just done? I think she just was in total, absolute free fall. And I wonder whether or not other details will come out about some form of drug use or other pressures that drove her into this direction. She had over 100,000 followers. Yes. So, wow. So how could she possibly be upset?

Jesus Christ. Yeah. She was so, oh yeah. I have nothing to say about this. Unfortunately. I know it's a story we must talk about because it's our business, but man, it's just so upsetting. It's very bad. It's very upsetting. No. And I feel for this little girl so bad. No. And it's a very, she's fucked too. Yes. The little girl is not going to do well. They, it sounds like a villain, super, it sounds like a supervillain origin story. Um,

And you just got to be careful what you read about astrology because it is, it's a fun guide. I think astrology should be used for fun. Do you believe in it at all? I think that there is an interesting aspect to the idea. What are you? Celestial bodies. I'm a Taurus. I'm a full Taurus. I'm a Taurus sun, Taurus moon. That makes sense. Yes. Yes. I say I'm a May 1st Taurus Satanist, which means I have 100,000 thread count underwear.

And so I am a, I'm a Taurus across the board. I do kind of believe I have those simple, I have that, whatever. I guess I feel like a Taurus.

You know, I do. But I think it's interesting. I think that there are aspects of the universe imprinting on you as a fetus. That's what they say happens. I don't know. I do find it interesting because people do tend to sort of show some of these traits, but I don't know whether or not it's a chicken and the egg type scenario. I'm a Libra. That makes sense. The scales of justice. Yeah, you like fairness. I do like fairness. Yeah. I feel like, yeah, and I'm level-headed.

I guess. I haven't flipped out in years. You don't anymore. No. I haven't seen you flip out in a long time. I yell, but it's passion. I yell. Yeah, no, it's not ever anger. It's passion. It's just fervent enthusiasm. If I try to do like, if I like try to put together a desk. Mm-hmm.

That's why Natalie took those. I lose it. Natalie does the Ikea. Julie fucking put together my new record holder last night. She had to. I was like, baby, if I put this together, I'm going to be angry. It's going to be really bad. Oh, yeah. Because I wanted to put together my own grill, and I did that. But then I cut myself so bad, which is also kind of cool. I left blood on the inside of the grill, so I was like, oh, fucking hell. Rock and roll, yeah. Yeah, I thought that was sweet, but I was angry. Yeah. No, I don't do well in those situations. No, Natalie did a really good. Natalie takes that from me.

Yeah, when I buy a grill, I'm just going to buy a floor model. Dude, I can't wait. I can't wait for that day, buddy. It's happening real soon. I want to go with you. We should. Barbecue's galore. Yeah. Yeah, man. I'm going. Yeah, I can't wait. Yeah, I went to Lowe's. It's going to be like us losing our virginity together in Vegas. Yeah, man. That's so much fun. All right. Well, yeah, we got it. We've been going for a long time. It's time for listener emails. Oh, do we have any? We have one. Okay.

What's up with these people? No, no. We actually had a bunch. We had a lot of responses to the stories. And we have some stuff that I'm not trying to get to right now. Because it's like the Viagra response was just basically explaining the actual medical ability, what happens in Viagra. But no, thank you for explaining it to me. I appreciate it. I used you as Google. So thank you. Apparently it just makes you ready to fuck. Great. Yoni eggs. They're saying don't put porous eggs in your vagina. It's not a good thing.

They cannot be cleaned. Use metal. That's what they said. Use metal and it helps grip your vagina. And I also heard a lot of people saying that after they had kids, they did vaginal weightlifting because it helped them stop peeing their pants when they laughed or were scared. Well, that's great. It is. That is great. I always think of Deadwood when the doctor's checking out all of Swearingen's girls. Yeah. And then they're all making fun of him. And then he's like, when you giggle, you leak piss.

I don't know. That's just buried in the back of my brain. That's great. That's all he's thinking. Whenever he's looking at you, know that that's what he's thinking. Here we go. Here's this letter. It was 1999. Wow. Break stuff.

And I was in eighth grade in Issaquah, Washington, which is an upper middle class suburb about 30 minutes east of Seattle. My friend Jenny and I used to walk to and from school together almost every day. Sometimes after school, we would walk to our friend Olivia's house because for the most part, her parents were never home. So it became our after school hangout spot. Olivia was also friends with a girl a year below us named Renee. We knew Renee and the four of us had all had hung out, but Jenny and I weren't as close to her as Olivia.

On this particular day, we went to Olivia's house like usual. It was never really a planned thing. There were no cell phones, so we'd just show up and hang, or if her parents were home, we'd all go our separate ways. When we got there, our friend Olivia seemed agitated and scared, and we asked her to tell us what was wrong.

After a lot of convincing, Olivia finally told us how her friend Renee was telling her quote-unquote weird stuff that was scaring her. When we asked what weird stuff, she told us about how Renee had quote-unquote met these people. And they told her the world was going to end soon and not to drink the water because it was poison. Olivia also told us that Renee told her to never tell anyone. And she told us she shouldn't talk about it anymore because Renee could watch her.

When we asked what she meant by that, she said in a hushed tone that Renee could see into rooms from wherever she was, like a video camera, but she shouldn't talk about it anymore. Right at that exact moment, the phone in Olivia's room started to ring. We all stared at it frozen. Olivia answered in a look of sheer terror on her face, and we could clearly hear that it was Renee. On the other hand, Olivia only said a few words and hung up. She looked at us mortified and said, that was Renee, and she knows what I said. You

You guys should go. Me and my friend Jenny walked to the corner where we normally parted ways in absolute silence, stunned by what just happened. The three of us never talked about it again.

On 10 years later, when Janie and I reconnected as adults, I brought up the incident. We were both still unable to figure out exactly what had happened. Keep in mind, this was 1999. None of us had cell phones. So the only way for this to be a prank is Renee would have to have been in the house close enough to hear our convo and call that exact second. That's also assuming Olivia's parents had a second landline, which most families didn't. Still to this day, 25 years later, I still don't have an explanation for what happened. So let you boys be the judge. Elaborate prank or remote viewing?

You know, I think the whole thing is just like a ghetto love, you know, that's the law that they live by, you know, day by day. They're just wondering what happened to why their shorty had to die. Yeah, sure. You know, you know, reminisce over their ghetto princess every day and they give it up for their shorty Renee. So this is a lyrics do a song.

Was that called, Renee? Yeah, by the Lost Boys. Wow. Well, yeah. I think that, um, I'm going to have to think about that. Because I don't know.

You know, I think it's fun. Yep. Enjoy it. I think that... It's a good story. I think the truth is stranger than fiction. We had two lines in 99. Yeah, we had two lines. We had two lines. But maybe we were fancy. Yeah. Your dad was spending a lot of money that he didn't have. Yeah.

Yeah. Same thing with mine. No, but his work paid for our second line. Sweet. Yeah, so that was cool. Yeah. But, you know, it was just in the office, so it was hard for me to use. Yeah. You wouldn't want to go in there anyway. It'd probably smell weird. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's where the family computer was. Live every day.

Live every day. Don't put anything in your vagina that can't be cleaned because people get mad about it. It's bad for your vagina. You submit it. But apparently also, you're going to love the fact that if something is solid, super solid, doesn't have any give like flesh, it's going to feel a lot bigger in your vagina than you thought it would.

So think about your entryway before you slap it in there, and then you can laugh your way all the way to O-Town because you are properly making your vagina as powerful as it should be. That is such good. You know, I never thought about that. What? The fact that a piece of metal the size of a penis is actually much bigger than a penis because there's squishes. Penis squishes. Wow. Yeah.

Fuck. Isn't that weird? That is weird. Never thought about it like that. Never thought about it like that. It's like how rats get under the door. That's why dildos are squishy. That's why. Yeah, of course. But then some women like the fullness of a metal. Of a basketball pole. Ten footer. But I feel like that those women. Give it a little dunk. I think that those women are greedy. Gifted. Greedy. Gifted. Yeah.

Thank you guys for listening to Side Stories. Make sure to check out patreon.com slash podcast on the left. You can now see Side Stories for free on our YouTube channel, LP on the left. You can go see that, but then we have a lot of... It comes out late, though, right? It does. It comes out late, but you can see it immediately on our Patreon. Go check it out. No ads. Fun stuff. Go to TikTok at lpontheleft.com. Why? I don't know, but do it. Go to twitch.tv slash lpntv. We have got a lot of new stuff going on. Very excited.

New shows, Tears of a Clown coming out every other Wednesday. Spun every Wednesday. Brighter Side every other Wednesday. Come check it out. Good Pud. It's about to start our new podcast. I don't know when, but soon. It's coming out.

I'm going to put that there. We've already filmed some of it. So are you going to get some of that? You're going to like it. Yeah. And if you want to see us live. London. Rankific. Everywhere. We can't wait. We're going to several cities in various places. Go to lastpodcastontheleft.com to get those tickets and check out. Denver's almost sold out. Don't sleep on it. Yeah. Denver's basically sold out. So that's awesome. Chicago's basically sold out. Yeah. Just let's keep going. Yeah. Keep them going. Again, remember, I am not taking any more corrections unless you send me a confirmation of a ticket. All right.

All right. I need to see that before I submit to your pronunciation guides. Now, you also want to check out. It's that go to last podcast. Love that comp. Also, Eddie and I, please. If we're in the Los Angeles area,

We are going to be doing Side Stories Live at Netflix is a Joke on May 9th at the Masonic Lodge. I do believe it is mostly sold out as well in Los Angeles. I think there's a couple of tickets left. Go and check that out. It's part of the Netflix is a Joke Festival. It's going to be fun. I'm really, really excited. We might have some special guests. That's really going to be cool. And then I think that's it. Anytunes.com, baby. Anytunes.com. My new website. Yep. Go get whatever the fucking you want him to say. He'll say it. There's really not much there.

All right, fuckers. See you next week. Hail Satan! This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.

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Hey, Cam, mind sending me over our new Wi-Fi password? Oh, sorry, Mitch, you can't be trusted. What? It's your phone. It's different than mine. Cam! And I thought I was a judgy one. No, it's just messages between different devices aren't encrypted. Okay. Since when do you know about encryption? I know what encryption is, and it's because I'm the last line of defense against any would-be Wi-Fi thieves. Cam, come on. Okay, fine. I'll send it somewhere more private. Thank you.

Safely send messages between different devices on WhatsApp. Message privately with everyone.