Side Stories: Squirrel Stories
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There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Another Jill Stein morning to wake up to. God damn! What an incredible day in the new Stein-a-maniac nation. Shit.

I can't believe she, in the biggest surprise of all, jumped ahead of both the candidates. Two candidates. God, I would love to crawl inside of her. Jill Stein. Spend a week and a half with my head up her tush. Be my Jillian Stein. Yes. Yes, Scott. Wow, what a new world.

to be in. Yeah, the green party for her bush. Ooh, yeah, she dyed it. Yeah. So she can feel young. Yeah, she's got a fern between her legs. So she won't feel worse when she's having sex with the Grinch. Yes!

Welcome to Side Stories. Hail Jill Stein. I'm your host, Andrew Zebrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. And what a hilarious day. Oh my God. To pre-record a podcast. I know. Yes, this comes out on Wednesday. Yep, it does. And Wednesday is the day after America's Election Day. Closely watched by the entire world, Eddie. Oh, very nice. I remember being in a cab in New Zealand, Auckland.

And then the driver was kind enough to ask me the great question, are you voting for the orange man or the bitch? It's completely true. Other countries do it differently. They're supposed to be super sweet over there, too. They're not. It's a lie.

Everybody, when we were in, especially in New Zealand, the big joke was that when Eddie and I were together, everybody would be like, so who has your guns? And we're all like, they're home asleep with their minders. They actually had to take a break because of how much I was shooting them before I left. Yeah, I left them in the kennel. Yeah, they were there with my gun nanny. I kissed them goodnight and I snuck out of the house, but I'll be back soon enough. They won't even know I'm gone. They have no sense of time.

They can't wait to be fired again. But for those of you that, you know, we're here in a time of uncertainty, especially on Tuesday, Election Day. Yeah, we don't know what's going to happen. I am going to say I have spent the several last days researching the new election.

the newly revealed or partially revealed Epstein tapes from this reporter Michael Wolff. That should be our new national anthem. I tell you what. Put a beat under it. Hot fire. Yeah. Epstein spitting hot fire.

I can't believe that this stayed underground. This should be fucking everywhere. Dua Lipa needs to sample this. We get, no, we do. Puffy does a beat on it. Oh. Because also, please. Oh, yes. Before we even begin, you bring them up. I just want to say, guys,

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Newly arrested but not yet convicted, maybe serial human trafficker and music producer P. Diddy. Happy birthday to you.

Yes! What a wonderful day to celebrate one of our favorite troubled producers' birthdays. Yes. If you want, you can go ahead and look at his family singing him happy birthday, and they tagged a whole bunch of people in there, including Quincy Jones. Oh!

Missed him too. Yes. Also died. Got out clean. Yes. Got out clean. Can't believe it. Wow. Happy birthday, P. Diddy. See you in hell next year. Now, go back to the Epstein tapes. Now, they were recorded. Apparently, about 100 hours of Epstein interview footage. The only... How do

we never heard of any of it till now. Because Michael Wolff's a fucking Benedict Arnold and a traitor to the human race. And he's a reporter who has decided to save that material for his own podcast, Fire and Fury. And now what it seems to be is that one thing that might seem to signal was that one of the major sources for his book, Fire and Fury, was Jeffrey Epstein about the insides of the Donald Trump White House, which shows that they were closer

for far longer than our beloved former president wanted to say that they were, and that they were best friends, according to Epstein. They were absolutely the closest friends possible for 10 years. And that he said, Donald Trump's not a nice guy. Yeah. And you know, they had a falling out. I don't take Jeffrey Epstein's opinion like highly for a lot of things, except for masseuses. I,

and Donald Trump. So I feel like if you're going to believe him... I don't even think his choice in islands is that great. Well, it's not even that good. Yeah, no, it's filled with pedophiles.

I mean, that's the worst part. Never mind the birds. But no, hey, Eddie, that's not true. The pedophiles were indigenous to his island. They were flown in. They are an invasive species. We're looking at a picture right now. Who's this with Trump? See, that is Melania. Really?

Oh, yeah. She used to be very hot before she turned into a twisted crone of evality. I didn't even recognize her. Yes. No, she looked like that. She was purchased by Epstein and given to Trump. She is some form of spy for several countries. So is Epstein. Ghislaine Maxwell certainly because now sitting in jail for Jeffrey Epstein and probably for Trump, because unfortunately, when Kamala Harris, I mean, when she wins on some level, I do believe that that is that is.

certain she's going to end up pardoning him because I don't know why. I don't know why they feel they need to do that. Yeah. Who's she going to pardon? Trump. Mark my words. No. She's definitely going to pardon Trump. She's a prosecutor. It doesn't matter. She loves putting people in prison. That's the whole thing. The problem with Democrats is they have this idea about precedent and the idea that you pardon because Nixon was pardoned.

So I think they're going to end up doing the same thing. I don't think Biden would have pardoned them. I don't think Biden knows where his shoes are. If I was Biden, I would pardon my son immediately. Yeah, but that shows bipartisanship. And technically, Hunter Biden earned that jail sentence by being hilarious. Yes, I know. You know, like Hunter Biden is awesome. All right. But he needs to serve a little jail time. He's going to get out and he's going to be even better. You think so? Yeah, he's going to be funny. He can give television showers up.

He needs a television show. I like Hunter Biden. You know who, back in the day, you know where Hunter Biden would have been king? QVC. Oh my God. If he had come back to QVC and did a whole line of like, you know, like, oh my God, do laptop cases saying like, don't open. Yeah. Top secret. Yeah.

He's going to make so much fucking money. Hunter Biden, look at these pictures of him on the beach. He's got a natural six pack. He looks fucking great. And then what we'll see is I think that we're going to have Hunter Biden in some sort of celebrity boxing match with Donald Trump Jr. And then hopefully Donald Trump Jr. gets paralyzed in the middle of it. We'll find out.

We'll find out. But obviously, I just want to make sure you guys understand that we've talked about Epstein for a long time. We've been talking about Piedaddy now, which seems to be another one of these gigantic Sisyphean human trafficking cases involving politicians and money. And it's just more of it. Right now, until I see footage of Kamala Harris inside of one of these...

giant infrastructures, pedophilia. So far, she's fine. So far. Yes. And so we'll find out. But I think that as soon as you're how do you put it? Don Cheadle didn't deserve to be lumped in because he took one plane one time. One time on the Epstein planes. Oh, Don Cheadle was on the Epstein. Oh, one of them. Yeah. Famously, what Epstein would do. Lots of people were on the planes. Exactly. That's how he muddied the waters. That's what he did to make it seem really, really difficult to

parse who was a criminal and who was not. That's the reason why what he did was that on top of his gigantic, this is Jeffrey Epstein, on top of his gigantic pedophile cabal, he also gave millions and millions of dollars to extremely important scientific study, you know, like Harvard and Princeton. He gave money all over the world. So he became this benefactor

to science as well, then also implicating all of them in his crimes as well, which also allowed them to maybe slow the roll on talking about how bad of a person Jeffrey Epstein really was. Oh, so that's good that he did that. It's complicated because partially it was about Epstein saving his cum so he can make a race of super babies in the future. Yes. His belief that he could save his own dick and head. Do we still have his cum?

I have some, but that's only because people sent it to me. I didn't buy it. Yeah. You had it frozen in an autograph. Yes, it is in an autograph. I have it in an ice cube tray in my freezer. But I, otherwise, no, that's kind of what he, he was in the transhumanist movement, the idea of deliminating aging, because Epstein thought he would live in the future in space in a whorehouse on the moon. Ah. You know, growing up, I knew this kid named Jeffrey Epstein. I just feel so bad for him. Did he move to New York? No.

He was older. He's older than us. But then, yeah, we'll see how this all goes. But it's certainly not anxiety-inducing at all. Now, the next big thing I want to bring up is an apology and a correction. Vincent Price. Yeah. He's bisexual. He was. I was right. And some people said he was famously bisexual, but obviously not because I didn't know. I mean, I knew.

And you know a lot more about this stuff than I do. I don't know as much about ass-eating as you did in that moment, but you were correct. I don't think he ate ass. I think that if you're back in the day, if you're not eating ass, what are you? I mean, I think his mustache is too tiny. I thought the mustache is what made it tickle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's seen one of them. He's like, see that? Little bunny rabbit's head. No, he, yeah, straight up bisexual. I mean, look at him! According to this...

He shared anecdotally that his first two wives divorced him because they weren't comfortable with his sexuality. His third wife, Coral Brown, was also openly bisexual, and the two remained married until her death. Ooh, they were a team. Price served on the board of PFLAG after his daughter came out as a lesbian, and he was one of the first actors to publicly spread awareness about the HIV-AIDS epidemic. So, yeah, he's sucking dick, he's fucking eating scrum, he's licking pussy, and he's fucking ass goddamn

bless Vincent Price and his ghost. All over the place. I love this guy. Love this guy. That makes me like him more, obviously. Obviously. I like anybody that's an equal opportunity. Get two dicks in there and a pussy on his butt. I mean, that's probably why he was forced to do horror movies. What?

Well, because if he was openly gay in Hollywood back then, they probably wouldn't have put him in a real movie. No, it was the only place that allowed him to truly reach the edges of his performance. Also, I think that was because he was a leading man in that world. And he identified with horror.

Yeah. He wasn't like he wasn't like a lot of people that get into horror and then resented immediately. There's a lot of actors that do that. They make their nut in horror and then they're like, I'm more than horror. And then they want to get out of it. Vincent Price was not like that. No, he was down all the way through to Thriller. Yeah. He fucking understood what was going on. And he rapped for Michael Jackson. Mm hmm. Oh, House of Wax. Your place, your home is like the House of Wax.

It is. Yeah. Because I do eat a lot of flax, but I haven't eaten as much because I've been eating more. I've got some of that kefir. Kefir's great. I got that and I mix that in with my chia seeds. I'm out of chia seeds. You gotta go get them. I went through the whole gallon. You believe that? Yeah, dude. No, I'm blowing through these things. That's how much of a fucking cuck I am. I got a fucking inch on my vertical. I ran out of chia seeds. I went to the grocery store to vote for Kamala Harris on the way. That's how much of a cuck I've become. Man, I was... I used to be a no rules, pork

fat, cigarette-smoking, no-voting piece of shit. That's right. Man, look at me now. Look at you now. You're still a fucking piece of shit. Yeah, no, I went and bought some chia seeds at Gelson's, and man...

They were expensive. They are. You paid for each seed there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you know it's good. Someone also brought up a bit of an update on the story about the poor young girl, Gursamaran Kaur, who got trapped in the Walmart oven.

They're saying that a couple of things are a bit hinky with the story is the fact that it happened at midnight and she had no backup. Essentially what they are talking about is that this is... Somebody would have to turn the thing on. It sounds like...

Everything that could go wrong went wrong while they were understaffed. And so what it sounds like they have been specifically understaffed for a while. A lot of people kind of pointed towards that. It seems to be sort of a sentiment of immigrants doing twice the work that they're supposed to be doing in these stores, essentially because of weird, you know, like societal bullshit, racial, racist implications. Yeah. And that maybe they were understaffed.

kind of left to their own devices at night. It sounds she should not have been alone in that back area. I mean, they were never supposed to have been alone. And so she fell into it. So it could have been some massive, horrible, horrible accident. And of course, people are also claiming that it could be murder. Of course. Much like the other update we had where that murder was based on the bear. That dude. Oh, please. One last little update here, which is a really, really arfed,

But the guy that we thought got murdered by a bear, unfortunately, now we know that immediately, well, it was a dude. Yeah, we knew it then. Yes, we knew someone, the man that got murdered, Dustin Kajersam, he was murdered and they found a beer can right by the scene that they labeled for DNA, they checked for DNA, and they immediately caught the dude, a guy by the name of Darren Christopher Abbey. He was immediately nabbed.

for this crime. So, hey, cops are working. Yeah. They're doing their job out there. They got them. Got them. Man, you know, I hate it. Just like, you kill someone with an axe and chug a beer and toss it on the ground. Hey, I mean, if I kill somebody with an axe, I'm going to need a beer. Yeah, I know, but do it at home. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, save it for the car. Yeah.

Car ride home. If you killed somebody with an axe, you're allowed to have one beer while you're driving. Because you've already done it. You've already done horrible things. Just imagine getting a DUI.

after murder, like on top of your murder charge. Maybe the DUI could get you out of the murder because then you could be like, oh man, I was too busy getting processed. I couldn't be in there. Then all of a sudden, yeah, you got the DUI, but you got off scot-free for murder. Maybe this is an excellent tip for murderers. I also have a small update that I found today. We're talking about mosquitoes recently and whether we should get rid of them or not. But scientists make a shocking discovery about mosquitoes. If the males are deaf...

They don't mate. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if they can't, if they have no sense of hearing, they don't mate. And so... Let me give you a little piece of advice to the mosquitoes. All you got to do is, you don't need to hear. Just go, yeah, baby, wow, that does sound crazy.

well too bad the ones that need to hear it won't but i'm saying that if you say like you don't know you're being talked to by a lady mosquito do you think you're trying to have sign language i don't know but you're trying to say like the lady mosquito you can read lips they can read the little like mosquito oh yeah a little long snout but it doesn't even matter in the end yeah it doesn't even matter what you in order to get laid you got to do the thing where you go yeah baby yeah she's crazy oh yeah baby that sounds wow wow that what a horrible day at work can i do you need a massage what's your major

That's all you need. You don't need to actually hear. Think about that, male mosquitoes. Yeah, but they say eliminating mosquitoes, sense of hearing could be the key to eliminating mosquito-borne diseases such as yellow fever and Zika. Whatever happened to Zika?

You know, I don't know. I miss Zika. Have we seen any Zika babies recently? Can we get them up on the show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How are the Zika babies voting? Yeah. Has the polling gotten to the Zika babies? Yeah, I don't think they're 18 yet.

No, maybe not. Yeah. No, but if you got it, whatever happened to Zika? Yeah. The Atlantic says it's an article that says whatever happened to Zika, like it was just some lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think you're old now. Remember them? Zika. And it's just like a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are they at now? Zika babies. Oh, my God. They were on Dancing with the Zika Babies? I didn't even know that was a show.

That's amazing. All right. Oh, yeah. It persists at low levels in several countries still. Zika's around. All right. Don't worry. You can still get Zika. Okay, good. But it just makes the baby's head smaller, which is, you know, it's not good. I mean, I ain't having kids. Exactly. I'll take Ziks. But I think you can get sick, too. I think I'm fine.

I'm going to say I'm good. You have Zika right now? I don't know if it's true or not. You got that Zika? Man, it's expensive. Yeah, dude. Tell me about it. Tell me about it. Live from Northridge. Hey!

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All right, we got it right. So that was like, we did some updates. We got some stories. Now, one story is truly, honestly, this looks just like a lot of stuff's kind of come up. There's been a lot of information. Yeah.

Between the Epstein tapes, between, again, Hunter Biden's laptop, between, obviously, Donald Trump, you know, who's a pedophile and a rapist and a criminal and a liar and stuff like that. A lot of kind of evidence. But one story really... Like he saved liar for last. Yeah. It was the worst one. I mean, the worst part is the way he dresses. The hypocrisy. The hypocrisy. Always the hypocrisy. But then...

But there's a story that cuts through all the noise on one of the most, like, wacky days I've ever been through as a person. We are in it, buddy. So please, Eddie. Social media star Peanut the Squirrel has been euthanized after being seized from a New York home. And not only was he seized...

He had a little hat on. Yeah. Well, that's his most famous photo. He is right now currently almost at 800,000 followers. Wow. Holy shit. On Instagram. Is that not too big to be fucking assassinated in this world? Is he the Epstein? Killed by the government. What did he know? Yeah, him. What did the peanut, the squirrel know? He was seven years old.

Whoa. It's pretty old for a squirrel, right? It's been around a long time. You probably saw a lot of those peanutty parties. Yeah, yeah. You ever been to a peanut party? Peanutty? Man. Back in the day? Fucking gerbils all covered in oil? Yeah. Little hamsters fucking getting gang banged by two fucking Datsuns? Yeah.

peanutty parties were fucking off the fucking limb dude things were out of control man almonds everywhere so peanut the squirrels uh i'm not gonna say

They call him owner, but I think more of like life partner. No one owns a squirrel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not allowed to. Mark Longo. So his house was raided and they came and they took Peanut the squirrel. And then they also took, I think he had a raccoon named Fred. I think it was the raccoon's name. And they took both of them and they euthanized them when they died.

wanted to test for rabies. No, I do not know that they have to just hack them up into salsa in order for them to check to see that they have rabies or not. No, it's actually like a sausage grinder, and they put it in tail first so they can hear it scream the longest. Definitely, that's how you know if it has rabies or not, that long of screaming. And then you taste it, and you wait months, and you see if you get rabies. Well, apparently the main issue was that it bit one of the police officers that tried to take it out of its house. I mean, of course!

You don't grab a man's squirrel and expect not to get bit. This is the thing. How did we get here? Yeah. How did we get here? So the cops went to go. At first, they're saying that they went in, right, because the squirrel and the raccoon are illegal for them to have. And they decided that they were living out loud too much.

right? The idea is that they have been throwing their squirrel-based lifestyle in the faces of over 800,000 people. Well, there's also Peanuts Freedom Farm, which is these people, they have a rescue farm with lots of horses and ponies. And so the squirrel was rescued. I know that the peanut squirrel was rescued. Yes, because he saw the mom get hit

by a car. Yeah. Mark Longo. So Mark Longo is the owner and the custodian of the Peanuts Corp. Yeah, and he saw Peanuts Mom get hit by a car. And then he was like, oh my God, we got to find this

mom's baby squirrel and he found Peanut the squirrel and he rehabilitated Peanut the squirrel, raised it, and then released Peanut the squirrel in his backyard and then the next day Peanut the squirrel showed up back with half his tail eaten off. No, I mean, that's the problem. He sounded like he was bad at it. Yeah, so he decided that Peanut was then going to be a indoor squirrel.

You know, I don't know how would they how would the police even know that he had an indoor squirrel to come take? Well, the police were raided the house. The TMZ reports that the authorities were after pornography.

And not animals when they raided the house. And the animals just happened to be in the house. All right. So what we now know, the main twist is that Mark Longo and his wife have an OnlyFans channel. Yeah. And they bang on OnlyFans and take money. And also, if you go to Peanut the Squirrel's Instagram account and you watch a lot of these videos, I will say Peanut the Squirrel's in a lot of the videos, but so is Mark Longo's cock.

Oh, yes. He's very present. He's wearing a lot of gray sweat pant. There's a lot of crotch forward material. Yeah, the squirrel jumps on his ass a lot. Yeah, you could see that. He's definitely a side. It's definitely like, okay, here's Peanut the Squirrel, but I also have an OnlyFans. I have a huge cock, yeah. And so, I mean, there's nothing wrong with...

with them having this job. They are sex workers. They're allowed to do it. No problem with it. They're rehabilitating squirrels and they are fucking for money. But apparently someone decided that that was, I guess, inappropriate because they also sometimes watch kids sometimes. Yes, they also babysit for some of those neighbors' children. So what they got was Karen. Yes. So Karen called the police on

them because they found out that they were got their kids were being watched by two people with an OnlyFans channel. We don't even know who called it or nothing. None of that's been released. This is completely my call. This is a theory. This is a theory. And they got angry when they found out. I mean, he's got a huge Johnson. Yeah.

He really does. He's showing it all the time. To be honest, I would kind of feel weird dropping my kids off after watching his huge fucking dick flop up and down. This dude's got a squirrel with a waffle on his shoulder. Only just because of a huge fucking massive cock pointed out of his gray sweatpants. There's no way you can't notice the cock. As someone who doesn't

try to look for cock, it's right there. It's mostly just because if I was the father, it'd be more like, I don't want you to get used to looking at this cock child and thinking that's what fathers have. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, so it's like eye level for a child. But I do understand in some ways, I don't actually understand. It's just, it's out of sheer ignorance that they don't understand that you can be both like an OnlyFans person and not a pedophile.

Absolutely. You can just do that. It's his wife. And the big key here is that, which is the lamest of OnlyFans, by the way. I want you to understand how lame that is for a married couple. I think a dude jerking off by himself is lamer than a guy banging his wife. By far, yes. Correct. I think that is worse. You are absolutely correct. Yes, yes, yes. But I will say a guy ramming a dildo in his ass.

Way cooler than both of those. I mean, you're obviously here for work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? If you're pegging yourself on camera, you're doing the work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you're getting there. It's the same as the coal mines from our great-grandfather. It takes an athlete. It does. It does, because you've got to get back there. I can't do it. I'd rip up my fucking colon. Well, you could always put it, you know, take out the suction cup one, jelly it up, throw it in the end of the bathtub. I feel like I just hurt myself.

To be honest, I don't know what I'm doing. But again, the issue is that people can't parse the idea that people can be both sex workers, rehabilitating animals, and not pedophiles. Correct. And so somebody saw all of this at once, decided they were pedophiles, unless it does become real.

revealed that they shot child exploitation material, right? Which is the actual, which would be an actual issue. But none of that is even... And if that's not remotely on the table, if you're just looking for a married couple fucking on camera, then good luck, police officers. And then, yeah, you might get bitten by their fucking squirrel. Don't comment! That's like, why are you in my house? And then they wipe out fucking Peanut the squirrel and Fred the raccoon. Yes. Yeah, they fucking...

Iced them. And now there's a GoFundMe set up. We were talking about this earlier. So much money goes through GoFundMe. So much money. I don't even understand it. But now there's an honor of Peanut and Fred support Peanuts Freedom Farm. Now, Peanuts Freedom Farm is the place where they have all these animals and stuff like that. So far, they've raised $203,000. I will say, though, we don't really know.

We want the money to be going to the Peanuts Freedom Farm, and we cannot necessarily say we support this full-throatedly because I have no idea if this money... I can give a shit if you give them money or not. Yeah, obviously. I don't care at all if you give Peanuts Farm... Peanuts gone now, so it doesn't even really matter. Yeah, Peanuts... I mean...

What was he really doing to help the farm anyway? Other than being an internet star. I mean, I think that's what he's doing. And I think the cock was doing the heavy lifting. Oh, definitely. On Peanut's Instagram account. It's very possible. I don't think Peanut really... I mean, lots of people got squirrels. I don't want to blame Mark Longo. I think in some... Unless, again, something more nefarious comes out. I think that he was doing the best he could for these animals. And he just was...

But that's how you make money. There's not a lot of money in a rehabilitation center for, unless you have it at a petting zoo adjunct or something else attached to it. Unless you have money going there. You know, on the social media. I mean, peanut, at $800,000, you're making a couple bucks. Yeah. A month. So, a New York politician has now introduced peanut slaw.

which says officials... You can't legally kick a football. Jake Blumenkrantz, repping... This is from TMZ, of course. Great news place. Jake Blumenkrantz, repping Assembly District 15 on Long Island, has drafted Peanuts Law.

a humane animal protection act, which would impose a 72-hour wait before euthanizing any sanctuary animal. Yeah. And no, so is Trump actually angry about the euthanasia of the squirrel? Wow, I've never been on the same side as him. Republicans are rallying.

I mean, this is the one time where people eat them. Yes. Now you're waiting. You're waiting. Good night. I think that they don't know the only fans angle of the story, which is why they're even angry. So they don't even understand why it even happened because these people don't read. But I do understand that's the only time this is a cross. It's this. It's Peter, the squirrel and aliens are the only aisle crossing thing.

We all want Peanut to be alive. Everybody wanted Peanut to be alive. But we had to see if he had rabies.

I mean, the way you know of it, it didn't have rabies. It was a home-based squirrel. Yes. No, I know, but it bit a cop. Yeah, because you're going to arrest it and it's daddy. But also, I agree with Peanut on biting the cop. Yes. And I remember when we were arrested, one of my buddy's dogs bit a cop, and then it just had to go to jail for three weeks. That's cool, though. That's cool for that dog. Yeah, it just went to dog jail for a little while. Went off to college. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of funny. But yeah, no, so Peanut...

Very dead. You know, people are upset about it. But also the town official refuses to get the governor involved over the dead squirrel. He says, I will not. The Chambong town supervisor, George Richter, tells TMZ that he has no knowledge of the squirrel saga exploding on his turf.

Mark Longo and his wife claim two of their rescue pets, Peanut and Friendly, were unjustly seized and killed over alleged rabies concerns. But this man will not

Governor Kathy Hochul about the death of a squirrel. He says it doesn't matter. Oh, yeah. This is it's interesting because it does. The social media presence of the story got bigger and bigger. But I actually weirdly think it points to an issue that I notice I've dealt with on my own with police and animals. Yeah. Which is they don't want to deal with it. Yeah.

Yeah. They just don't want to get involved. Yeah. Animal ownership or things going on inside of the house. Richter said, I am not calling the governor over a dead squirrel. She won't do anything anyway. She won't. I mean, what are they going to do? I don't know. It's like, I don't know what they're going to do. Honestly, though, give you money back. It's a squirrel. I mean, yeah, it's cute.

It's popular. Don't say that to Mark Longo and his cock. I know. All right, because you think he's going to be able to get it up? Oh, I'm sure they're only fans. He's going to have to. They're more popular than ever. Yeah, I hope that he's able to get hard after all this. Yeah, I know he will. He's sitting every single time he goes to fucking nut inside of his fucking married legal wife. Mark Longo. He looks at the little shadowy spot where Peanut the Squirrel used to be, and he just probably...

His cum goes back in his balls. How do we find his OnlyFans and see how it's doing? Can we subscribe? I want to watch one. I just want to watch what fuck his wife wants. I mean, you can, but...

You really can't. It's hard to find. Do you think Peanut was on the OnlyFans? Then that's bestiality. That's a little too crossover. But I don't know whether or not, I don't think that it was like, it wasn't like he put on his balls, he'd put like hummingbird food on his balls and then the squirrel would come and lick at his balls. It's already nuts.

Wow. It's nuts. They don't know it's nuts. We call them nuts. That's the human nomenclature for our testicles. Yes. I mean, to them, they could call them oranges. I bet they would bite. Oh, yeah. I don't want it nowhere near my testicles. No, absolutely not. At least it's little fingers. I don't want to be near a squirrel. I think squirrels would bite the shit out of you. Now, Fred the raccoon, how do you feel about raccoons in houses? This is just unbelievable.

It's all just cock. It is so much cock. It really is. Just so much of his cock. It's all these comments saying, just realize these videos are about squirrels. Ha ha ha ha!

Unbelievable. Well, we do feel for you, Squirrel Dad. It's upsetting what happened to you. And now you only got one way out. You got to fuck your way out. Just like the rest of us. We did get... Oh, look, he did have one here. Oh, no, that's... Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Oh, okay. Squirrel daddy. Oh, there he is. Oh, squirrel daddy. Oh, it's all solo. Yeah, of course. Now it's lame. I thought he was banging his wife. But no, it's all solo and then the whole, oh no. Yeah, this is not good, man. Maybe the squirrel is involved.

Yeah, I don't know. I hope the squirrel is not involved. Squirrel doesn't know. Well, we have a listener who's involved with these people. They say they're a fundraising manager for Peanuts Animal Sanctuary. They say the farm is a sanctuary that began with a man's love for a squirrel peanut. The baby squirrel has been seen on international television and has been loved by millions. Mark and his wife, Donnie, built the sanctuary around their love for rescuing peanuts.

They also successfully saved dozens of horses from slaughter and some being sent just for becoming pregnant. Wow. Yeah, and they've rescued over 200 goats. Again, hopefully this has nothing to do with the OnlyFans. Yes. Because then where, I mean, this is one of those fun, what I'm hoping we're not is heading towards one of the harder apologies that we'll have. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Because we don't know really maybe what the whole story is and then I'm kind of wondering... We're not taking his side. No, not necessarily. No, I am. This is news. I'm just not judging him for having an OnlyFans. I'm not judging him for... We did judge him. We did say that the saddest OnlyFans is a man alone, but that's fine. I think that's fine. No, that's judging everybody. That's fair. I think that's fair. That's not just him. That's anyone who jerks off on OnlyFans. I think that's the saddest version of OnlyFans. I do think so too. Actually, I think I take that back. If you're doing...

Comedy. Oh, yes. I'm an OnlyFans. Lowest four. Because it's too edgy. Crazy. Oh, it's so edgy. Yeah. That's the lowest four. That exists. Oh, I know. Yes, that is the lowest of the low. Yeah, yeah. So we take it back. Yeah, I'm sorry. You're right. You're up the rung, Squirrel Daddy. If you're just jerking off, it's better than telling jokes. But you better not have put that fucking squirrel anywhere near your fucking cum, dude. Yeah. Okay, because I'm going to be upset. Everyone's going to be upset with you. All right? And I'm putting my reputation on the line.

My Kamala Harris voting reputation.

I'm putting on the line that you're not fucking these squirrels. Okay? Because I'm trying to stay good. I'm trying to stay with it. Stay with the young. Yeah, man. You see, Henry's got his wonderful, his American hat on. It's not my flag. I'll eat your ass. Yes, this is my fake out hat. Yeah. Because it looks like you get upset when you look at it and then he says, I'll eat your ass. Oh, God. Yeah, just have fun on there, squirrel dad. Just leave the squirrels out of it. Fly from your grave.

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All right, we got one. We have another story here. I love, you know me. You love your sovereigns. You know I love my sovereign citizens. And the case I made the last time that we talked about sovereign citizens is this idea that they, sovereign citizens are funny and silly and a waste of everybody's time until they get really dangerous. Yes. And I am of the opinion that at some point,

These guys are going to get dangerous more than silly. Of course. Because the more frustrated that they get, the more they realize that their court horseshit and quantum grammar doesn't work.

the more they are going to realize, oh, maybe we need to start doing this the old-fashioned way. Yeah, well, they can't get along. That's why they do what they do. They are literally, it's like Satanists, too. Like, the idea of a Satanist grouping is so funny. Yeah. Because it's like, so an idealist, individualist, like, thought process. It's like, you're trying to group us all together? We all think that we're our own god and master. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's going to hardly get us to pay dues. But this guy, the sovereign citizens are just, they are such a huge pain in the ass. And I just wanted to use this as a fucking example of exactly what it was I was talking about. And they're not just in America.

Oh no, they're all over the world and just like us, oh, the UK is getting our fucking, you think that we came from nowhere, UK? You all think you're fucking fancier than us? We just went to London. We went to an afters. You ain't good looking. Some of them are hot. They're very attractive, but at the afters, you ain't no better than us. No. I saw no kings and queens in that fucking afters. That's for fucking certain. Alright, so just know y'all ain't no different.

I do love London. Love London. I could really spend some time there. Well, you will one day. Even though I just called everyone ugly. When we leave, when we were supposed to be expats. I'm very ugly. You're ugly as well. No, you're handsome. You're handsome in a way. I'm attractive to a certain group. Same as me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a good type of person that arrives for us. There's a type of person that's like, oh my God, let me slice me some of that ham. Yeah. And then everyone else is like, what are you talking about? Well, mostly they're like, excuse me, sir, do you drive the bus?

You just look like I don't have a license. Yeah, we both look like just a random civil servants. You know what I mean? So this group, a group called the they named themselves something really, really stupid and general. Again, they were called the Federal Postal Court.

this group of morons in the UK tried to kidnap and kill someone. They were led by a guy by the name of Mark Christopher and the group of idiots that were with him was Matthew Martin, Shiza Harper, and Sean Harper. These are normal, quote-unquote, normal people. They wanted to shut down

Essex Coroner's Court and abduct senior coroner Lincoln Brooks in April of 2023. Now, what they decided was that he was a part of a gigantic human trafficking ring with no evidence whatsoever. They had built up a case sending essentially sending fake evidence

arrest warrants to the coroner's office over and over again saying that they were going to come arrest and corporally punish this coroner for being a part of a human trafficking world. I'm just so confused by all of this because if you are in fact a sovereign citizen and you don't believe in government, how are you your own government and a leader? Because you shouldn't be allowed like your whole, like the way you look at things shouldn't even be, I'm a leader. You're inherently a

I honestly, it's the reason why I do believe people vote for Trump, right? Where you're either purposefully ignorant, right? Where you're, you specifically want to be ignorant and you don't do the reading and you are stick in the mud and you want things to be one way and you want it to be your way or the highway and you don't really care what anybody else says. I think that's one. I think two maliciously ignorant. I think the people that are specifically hateful and cynical and want to, uh, essentially like, uh,

manipulate people by saying a bunch of stuff that's fake because they think if they're on the winning side of it, they will be impervious to any problems after the fact. Right? So this idea that as long as I'm on the winning side, as everybody wins and I get to be on top, I get to be a part of this much like people that went along to go along with the Nazis.

Right. So stuff like this is like when people show up to when they get involved in something new, so they believe that maybe just maybe if we flip the entire system, we become lords on the other side, mostly because they don't want to pay tax bills. They want to pay parking fees and they don't want to deal with marriage licenses. Right.

Which is bizarre. No, it's not. It's more than just bizarre. It's criminal. And it's completely, utterly, it's just, you are a fucking moron. Now, if you go to mkchristopher.com, you can go and see the actual website that you can go and get quote unquote business consultation. As you can see, when you look at this website, it is

filled with quantum grammar. So you got the colon Mark dash Kishon colon Christopher dash global chief dash federal postal court dash judge and with a colon all of this fake shit because it says it releases you from any form of judicial coverage or or

anything and so right here to start here to eliminate your domestic and commercial mortgages and debts the process on my part is done through showing engineered fraud on your documents agreements and contracts these guys believe that they have this ability to show that these like essentially loopholes to the to various government bodies and they're gonna be like oh my god you're right

I can't make you pay your mortgage anymore. Yeah. Oh, you're right. That legal fee doesn't hold it for you anymore. Now, they went after... Do coroner... I mean, excuse me. Nothing to do with anything. It has nothing to do with anything. No, they fixated on somebody that they could get at.

And so when they arrived... But is that coroner in Britain the same as a coroner in America? Do they, like, study bodies and shit? I'm not quite certain, to be honest. I'm not quite certain. It all was very... The whole thing is just, like, extremely confusing. And it's just them... I think that's what they live on, is being...

Yes. This is how they get away with shit for so long. Because they're just saying random things. Because you just want them out of your face. Yes. And because the guy that was in charge, Mark Christopher, he went by the title of Chief Judge of England and all dominions. They went in there... But if you don't believe in government, you can't have that title. But he's taking it upon himself. Okay. He says that he received... This is an earlier trial. He said that...

That the group came to an area coroner. So this was a part of a legal thing, right? They said they were going to come and they were going to arrest this person. They had zip ties on them. And they had a car. They were literally going to arrest them and bring them someplace and beat this person to death. Michelle Brown, who'd been conducting inquests from paperwork and without witnesses or family present, told an earlier trial that the group had come into her courtroom. He said that the leader, Christopher, kept demanding that I find and get her boss.

Right. That was the idea of like going in there and essentially saying describe the emails. He claimed the warrants were to be for seizure of goods and persons. And it doesn't really make sense that they kind of randomly chose him and have been stalking this man. And then they finally came to essentially murder him. And they are they are all they jailed all four. They're all like immediately in jail.

But it was all, it wasn't actual murder. They didn't actually kill anybody. No, not yet. No, they tried. In the UK, they can do stuff like that. In the UK, they also do stuff like, there was a story, I want to say it was also in Canada, they can also do that, where they can get you pretty hardcore for just showing significant planning. Where you don't have to, it's not like kind of like in America where it is difficult, like someone really, like let's say someone's threatening you with murder, that you really can't do anything about it until they murder you.

But then you can do something about it. Yeah. So they wanted to arrest this man because they said he was involved in necromancy. Yes. They said that it was a part that he was using the dead for improper rituals for the U.S. government. For the U.K. government. U.K. government. Yeah. And this guy, he's obviously very scared.

Oh, he said it ruined his life. He had to go to therapy. He had to leave. He doesn't know what to do anymore. These guys have been hounding him in this nonsense shit. And the thing is, too, is that when you look at their depositions, if you look at their... When you click into these document things of what you're supposed to do, they are... They are...

They are fucking ridiculous. They have this whole step-by-step walkthrough, create your own life, life claim, but live life claim and certificate of live birth. This is all fake. It costs 333 pounds and you call in and this guy essentially teaches you how to scam the system.

the proper way. Yeah. And this stuff looks like a crazy person wrote it. Like if you look at the FPC crazies, like the FPC, cause it's all written in quantum grammar too. So it looks even worse than it is. So it looks like someone with schizophrenia wrote it. Yeah. And it says how to join. It's like for me to qualify the training suitability for you, you must book online.

a Zoom appointment with me before you can be part of my university. Email me to book a Zoom appointment. And then he puts his email address. The investment for this life-changing training is 7,449 Great British Pounds. Oh, yes. But if you don't believe in money... They do believe in money. They just don't believe that the...

The reason why it's confusing, Eddie, is because it's essentially nonsense. It is nonsense. It's nonsense in the very, very bottom of it. It's full on. Like, that's kind of the thing where it's a little too easy for cult leaders to jump in. It is a cult leader starter pack, basically.

being a sovereign citizen. And it's a little too easy because Mark Christopher, I think that he didn't do enough work because he has this whole thing with Seoul University where it's all this quantum grammar shit that he stole from the other guy already covered. So he didn't even make this system up. He stole this from David Wynn Miller. It's just all like...

but it's just like you bullshit, you bullshit, you talk about absolutely nothing and you change words and punctuation. That's exactly what until like you kill somebody. Yeah, no, no, that is the, this is why it's worthy to cover. It's not worthy in and of itself. The story itself is extremely boring and stupid. These morons showed up and tried to fake arrest somebody who had nothing to do with a fake crime in order to kill them. But the,

problem is is that on some level much like why we are covering Kruger's Dorp and so thick of detail is because it's important to see that stupid shit that looks silly from the outside leads to murder sometimes you have to keep your head on a fucking swivel about what you allow into your brain and into your very very soul you have to give your you have to have a grain of salt

But the things you read, I read a lot of crazy shit for this show. I throw myself into a lot of crazy research for the show. But I know that I have a foot outside of the research because that's what allows me to see how fucking stupid it is. You cannot 110 percent give in to any single ideology. Yeah. When it comes to learning about sovereign citizens, and I'm very impressed by how much you've actually retained.

It makes me nauseous. Like every time I read into what they're saying. Yeah. Well, I get really mad. It's called the barrier to entry. It's done on purpose. It's why Scientology is gibberish. And that goes as far to the literally ancient schools. Like I was like listening to a guy named Gurdjieff, who's like a teacher that I do enjoy. But he talks about this idea that knowledge is a

quantity and there's a limited amount of knowledge which is why back in the old days in the quote unquote Egyptian secret schools they took all of the secret secret knowledge and they hid it behind a bunch of rituals and mishigash and all the stuff that was difficult to get through so that it would be this damaging information that the gods are not gods at all but it's based upon

upon our, the star movements, and that everything is attached to an understanding of the earth here on the, here that we can touch tangible earth. And we say these ridiculous stories about gods and allegories in order to teach people that are not ready to know that there is no gods. It just seems like an excuse for why they're poor.

Exactly. Well, it's more why they're rich. Yes. It's the opposite. It's why they're rich and you're poor. Because you can't be trusted with the resources. Do you think they celebrate Christmas? Who? Sovereign citizens.

I actually think that they have to, I think the day that they have to observe is President's Day. Really? I don't know. No, I think that they, because technically it's not religious. It just happens to have a religious sidekick. Yeah. There's a lot of religiosity within it, but it's not inherently religious. Inherently, it's political. It's more of a shithead militia versus a cult. Just get a driver's license.

They won't. They hate not getting DUIs, man. They love DUIs. They love them. They love driving drunk. They love getting parking tickets and not paying them. It's so hard for them. That's their passion. I mean, I did that for a while, and that's why I don't have a driver's license. See? But I respect my non-having driver's license. No, and you don't drive. I drove your car recently. That was different. That's a long story. It had to happen. It had to happen. He can physically drive. Yeah.

And I didn't allow it. He stole my car. I called the police. You wanted to pick your dog up from the... I needed help. You sat next to me in the car. You were teaching me how to drive. Yeah. I was like, you're a learner. Yeah, I'm a learner's permit. You had to drive because I have car me in my lap. Officer, listen.

He's my learner's perfect. I'm the driver. I have a dog. All right. But just so you know, guys, before you fall into any of these slippery slopes, this is a big thing I just want to say, too. Maybe we can even take a little break here, right? I would say you're a sensitive person. Okay. Step away from the podcast for a second. I'm talking to my little boys here. I'm talking to my young boys. How are you doing?

I'm talking to my Gen Z. If there are any broccoli heads that are listening. Oh, I shaved the side of my head for you. I know. It's cool, isn't it? Wow, cool. That's so lit. I got face tattoos. Wow, you must be so sensitive and poetic. I got a teardrop next to my butt. That means you murdered somebody in prison. No, but next to my butt. It's for all the dookies I've slain. Well, you're huge. Thank you. You're a huge boy. I stay big. We just got to just remember that

But how do I gently say, pull your fucking head out of your ass and read some books, you know, and just read something outside of your, your little sphere. You got to get in there. Okay. I mean it. I'm 40. I was an edgelord too. Oh yeah. Very much so. I'm still am. Yeah. I'm angry. Yeah. I won't say the Starbucks branded content. Your hat says eat ass. I just, just remember we're all in this boat together.

We're going to have to make it through no matter what. Until that solar flare hits and then I never have to hear from any one of you ever again. We'll keep doing radio. Oh, we will, but it'll be by ourselves. It'll be in this room and then people will be invited to the smaller room. Oh my God. What else happened this week, man? I don't know. They found a head in Edinburgh. Oh, they thought it was a decoration, which is pretty hilarious. The guy got his head popped off from by a bus. Yeah. It's very sad, but also like...

At 74, honestly. Yeah, I mean, that's a good way to go at 74. If I made somebody laugh with my death, yeah. If I get that far and I'm going to die within a year or two anyway,

Pop my head off in public. Yeah, it's your, oh man. God, I would love to scare the shit out of a whole elementary school. I would say 84 would be the number. It's a severed head. Oh my God. Joe Biden, you look great. He's not running. I'm allowed to say whatever the fuck. Yes, I miss you, Joey. We all miss Joe Biden.

I can't believe he died six weeks ago. Guys, we're at the end of our episode today. I got one letter. Oh, yeah. Which one is it? S, you fucking asshole. I just think that this one might be stupid. This one might be stupid. All right, but let me see. Yeah, it's a UFO one, so you got to read it, whether it's stupid or not. We can make fun of it if it sucks. All right, here we go.

I have a story for the show about a UFO sighting from when I was a child. In March of 1998, my family, mom, dad, older brother and younger sister and I were visiting my grandparents in Lake Placid, Florida for my grandfather's birthday. On our way home that evening, we saw something that has stuck with me ever since. As we were traveling north towards Orlando. Ooh, place of my birth. Yep. My father, who was driving, saw something directly to our left and pointed it out to us.

Above the lake, quite high in the sky, was a bright yellow light. The light moved very slowly through the sky, flying parallel to us. All of a sudden, another light appeared nearby the first. And then another. Until there were a total of seven of these lights. Okay. These lights appeared to be connected to one another and not independent craft. I distinctly remembered being very upset that the family camcorder battery was dead and I couldn't get the proof.

These lights stayed in the sky for almost an hour, traveling silently parallel to our car. They eventually turned towards us and silently flew over our car. And that was the end of our sighting. The formation or flying pattern of these lights was quite like the Phoenix lights. And years later, when I learned of that incident, I was shook to my core. I believe I saw the same phenomena. At the time, my father and mother were just as confused and scared as us kids were. My father still has no explanation for what we saw, nor does my mother.

Cut to today, when I asked about the scariest moment of my life, and I remembered this incident. It was just then that I realized I haven't spoken to my parents about what we saw since 1998. So I decided to phone them up. My father distinctly remembers the incident, but is skeptical it was probably some military super-secret technology. My mother, on the other hand, straight up called it a UFO, and that whatever it was, it wasn't any conventional aircraft that we were aware of. Then she dropped the bombshell on me. It was in the news, you know.

I searched and searched, but no combination of words would get me a proper hit until I got a very, very specific. I found a link to a sighting recorded on 3-24-1998, my grandfather's birthday. And while the report doesn't exactly describe what we saw, it's very similar. A couple were on their way home and saw two orange lights that appeared to blink in and out at will, appearing in different parts of the sky as if they instantly teleported.

It's been on my mind all day. And it's the first time I've ever really been convinced that we saw something that night and not the overactive imagination of a child run rampant over two and a half decades. You know,

You know, I really do think that the corroborating sighting is interesting because we've talked about this many times in group sightings where one half will see something different than what the other half will see. And they're all there at the same time watching something. Yeah. Like most notably when we just covered the aerial school and that phenomenon where you had some kids seeing one thing and some kids seeing teachers seeing something. And but they all saw something at the same exact time.

And so I think it's very interesting. But also, don't you, over time, like if you like talk about something after two decades, it changes in your mind. Maybe. I don't know. Depends on the memory. Yeah. I think that sometimes it's either you either add to the memory or is the memory becomes so locked in because you've thought about it over and over and over again. But we never know. Yeah. All of history is a memory, Eddie. So what's up with the Phoenix Lights?

The Phoenix lights were the Phoenix lights. I know, but what did they look like? They look like a triangle, like essentially like a flying V over Phoenix. It's the largest UFO sighting of all time. Because I know it's going to be a major part of the new George Knapp documentary. Yes. I'm very excited to get into more detail about this. But then the, I believe it was the governor...

of Arizona came out and made a bunch of fun of it the next day saying that we've caught the culprit from the incident last night and a guy in a gray costume came out and he arrested him on live television and everyone laughed and shit. But then later on, oh yeah, Fife Symington

The governor of Arizona. He then came forward later on and said he actually did this as a way to feel better because he saw the lights himself and could not get any formal explanation as to what they were. Wow. And he went to the highest levels that he could get to as governor and he could get no explanation as to what they were. It's pretty awesome alien costume. It is a great, it's a really, really good alien costume.

They don't make them like they used to. They certainly don't. They don't. But, yeah, I mean, just keep looking towards the sky. Live every day knowing that your eyeballs are your telescopes. And love every day knowing that your balls can be your suit cushions. And you can laugh just thinking about the fact that... Then what's the rest of you? I don't know. Just a big old tush. Yep. Well...

Thank you, President Jill Stein. Yeah, it's President Jill Stein. I want to say thank you for naming it National Podcasters Day. It's been so good getting the flowers and the money that I've been getting all day. Thank you for the free crystals from Marianne Williamson.

I'm going to go celebrate my Green Party membership tonight. Yes, absolutely. Me too, as well. My own membership of my own party, you'll see. And, you know, just get out there. I think that today I just want to make sure to remind you, get out there and vote. Yes. Because I know... It's never too late. It's never too late. I want you to get to... It's Wednesday. If you're still in line...

Stay in line. They have to let you vote. Yes. Stay in line. That's right. All right. And if the machines are broken, ask for paper. Yes. And I think if you leave your left shoe, you vote for Kamala. And if you leave your right shoe, you vote for Trump. And they test it by smell. Also know that if you roll, if you ball up your ballot and you throw it through a window and it makes it into a trash can, technically, that counts. Yeah. But for LeBron James. Yes. Yes.

But Brian James, to bring Brian James, make him a starter. Vice President, Brian James. God, no.

Patreon.com slash podcast on the left. Pay us money and watch us perform. You're going to like it. Go to LP on the left for all of the social medias. Humboldt. We're coming for you, baby. November 23rd. Henry and I are going to be up there with Billy Wayne Davis at the Mateel Community Center. We're going to have fun. We're going to have a lot of fun. I'm very, very excited. We're going to be stoned as hell. Yeah, we're going to see some fucking Redwoods. And then December 21st.

We're going to be doing Classy Night Out here. At the Masonic, baby! Yeah, tickets, if they're not on sale yet, will be on sale very soon. It's a small venue, so make sure you rush to get your tickets. It's going to be a lot of fun. Jackie Zabrowski is going to be on the show. We're going to have so much fun and a bunch of special guests too, which I'm really excited about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love you guys so much. Be good to yourselves. Be good to each other. Yes. Remember, again, unfortunately, we are all in this hot air balloon together today.

That is suspended by flames alone. Yeah. So just remember that. Hail Satan. I don't feel like hailing. Happy hunting. Oh, yes. Hail Jill Stein. Hail Jill Stein. Thank you for all you've done for this fucking place. Seriously. Thank you. Thank you for your sacrifice. God, I love you. I want to see the inside of you. Save me.

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