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Cam found out that group chats between different phones aren't private. Or encrypted. Or encrypted, thank you. We only text in code. Yes, which I created. I created a code. Yes. Which can be a little annoying. Wait, was that your attempt at the code? You already forgot the code, didn't you? I should have written it down. The place to safely send messages between different devices. WhatsApp. Message privately with everyone.
On Wizard and the Bruiser, we find all those crazy little moments in geek history that made the things we love into inescapable cultural behemoths. If you love video games, movies, comics, and anime, this is the LPN show for you. But wait, Holden, it's not just educational. Shouldn't we talk about all those crazy boner jokes we make all the time? No, Jake! No!
Fair enough. Last Podcast Network presents Wizard and the Bruiser. Find it on your favorite podcast app and hit that little subby-dubby button. Ooh, we would love it if you did that. Oh, that would help us out so much. God, wouldn't you love to do that? Don't I sound like the kind of person you want to help? Like, hit the button. Like, just do it. There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Oh.
Side stories. Yes. Oh, yeah! I'm cooking just a little bit. I'm cooking just a little bit. What are you cooking? I'm cooking biscuits. You're cooking biscuits? Yeah, down in my pants. You're cooking biscuits in your pants. It is hot down there. You want to come take a dip? I mean, if you could save some for me. Joke's on you! Now you're looking at my balls! Oh! Hi!
I love being me. Those are biscuits. I love being me. I am in charge today, my friend. Yeah. I'm feeling good. Yeah, you're feeling good? You know why I'm feeling good? Why are you feeling good? Because you saw Dune. I saw Dune 2. And you got in there. I saw both Dunes this week. That's incredible. Yeah, I did it, man. I did it for you. And you know what? Are you ready for this? Sure. I like it.
That's it. I liked it. I enjoyed it. Another fucking huge ass Marlin in the boat. Hell yeah. Space Beetlejuice is good for me. And Rob, you saw it too, right? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. It's fucking good, dude. It's amazing. Future Travers. See it on IMAX. It's so good. I saw Dolby. Ah.
Pussy. What a fucking pussy. You know what's so weird is like before the movie, they're like, I made this just for Dolby. Then you go see it and I'm actually like, I made this just for IMAX. And then there's eventually going to be one that's like, I made this just for you, Ed Larson. You're like, what? What? Oh my God, Christopher. Welcome to Side Stories. I'm Henry Zabrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. Hello.
New rude dooner I don't know if I'm a rude dooner I think I realize what's wrong with it Like halfway through and like why it'll never be Star Wars It's not fun It's so sad and upsetting There's no like you know Space dog with a crossbow You know like that helps out
You know, like there isn't like there's no, you know, the only comedy is like one of the guys believes in God. And that's like the only joke. The only comedy in Dune. Yeah. There's no comedy in Dune. I know. That's why it's going to be. It's not going to stand the test of time. No, it's serious. And it needs to because people need to learn from it.
Yeah. All right, because there's lessons within Dune. And you should read the books. I don't know about that. The books are more fun. I was hard enough getting through the movie. We'll get you some books. I'll give you, I'll read you the books. I do need something to prop my bed up on. You know what we need? I'll put it right next to my Bible. Can't there just be a service where women...
with naked women. Okay. Arrive at your home and read you Dune. How would I ever pay attention? Because you want to please them. No, I need like, I need someone like cool to come, like a voice actor to come read it. So, okay. Timothy Oliphant. I mean, I got so many questions immediately. But,
In order to ask Timothy Oliphant all of the questions you want to ask Timothy Oliphant. I'll listen to him read Dune. Timothy Oliphant. I believe his email is timothyoliphant at gmail.com. They usually are. What's funny about it? Yeah, it is. Well, a lot of times they're ancient. Like a lot of the celebrities I've met, they have like some crazy AOL account. Lots of AOLs and hot.
and earth links and shit. I'm a Yahoo boy. But if you could email Timothy Oliphant at timothyoliphant at gmail.com and ask him to come to Ed Larson's home, I'll give you the address. Yeah. Just to Timothy Oliphant. Yes. I'll give him the address to meet Eddie. Yeah. But he has to bring a well-worn copy of Dune that he can borrow from me. And I'm excited to ask him about Deadwood. And I know it was a long time ago, but you know what they say. You gotta get through Dune, buddy. Oliphants never forget.
We've got a couple updates. A lot of show today. A lot of show we've got to go through today. You know who's the best at riding worm? Who? Zendaya. Apparently she's very chaste.
Chased? What's that mean? She ain't giving it out. Oh, well, there was a sex scene. Well, she's locked up with the Spider-Man. Yeah, everyone knows there's a sex scene. Yeah. She's the girlfriend. But in the book, they really... And then she's in this other really sexy movie where she's fucking two tennis players. So many previews. There's a lot of previews. 45 minutes of previews. Two monkey movies coming out next year, buddy. Yeah, that's what I was excited for. Big year for monkey movies, dude. Planet of the Apes. I can't wait. Fuck yeah, can't wait. Godzilla, King Kong, Buddy Cop.
movie it looks like. I know, man. They're hanging out. It's like, Lisa Weapon was fucking Godzilla King Kong. No, I love it. I'm very excited. Are you serious? But Zendaya, she does a good job in that because the largely thankless role of Chani was expanded for her, which I think is really good. I thought it was Johnny the whole time.
man, you thought her name was Johnny? Yeah. Like Johnny Five is alive? I was like, why'd they name this chick Johnny? You can't. Maybe it's your ears. I mean, the words are fucking ridiculous in that movie. Yeah, man. It's sci-fi. I'm trying to relate to it a little bit. I mean, this is the, you had again, you have to meet it halfway. The Bedouins. Dune does a good job. It's not the Bedouins, it's the Fremen.
I know. No, the Bedouins, but they, who's the, the Benadestrics? Benadestrics. I saw the movie. It's so hard. It is. Yeah. I'm just like, I'm using their names. Javier Bardem's, you know, like I can't fucking follow all this shit. Technically the book and the series itself, the movie series does take homework. You got to arrive to it. Yeah. You got to meet Dune halfway. Star Wars does all the work. I bought the ticket. I took the ride. You did. You did. And I'm appreciative. You did that.
And then you engaged. And I did like it. See? I think it's a good movie. It's Empire Strikes Back.
Yeah, you're right. It is. If you're going to go Star Wars-y, it's more Empire. It's Empire. I was talking about with David Dost Malchuk. He said the same thing. He was like, we both said. What's up Zendaya's ass? Shani. What's up Shani's ass? Why does she fucking hate it and everyone else is down? She'll come around eventually. You'll see. She's going to come around. We can't spoil it. No. Until we go to LPN Deep Dive Dune. It's on its own feed. We're recording the review. We're recording the review tomorrow. Me and my human wife, Holden McNeely, who...
Honestly, he fell asleep. Your human wife? Yes. Is that what you called him? It's because I'm the God Emperor and God Emperor in book four has a girlfriend. What's Natalie?
Natalie doesn't feature in the Dune. She's not a human? No, no. Well, she just doesn't... When I'm in Dune, I'm a single man. Okay. You know what I mean? When I'm inside of Dune, there is no love. Julie slept through a lot of it. Of course. Yeah, and I was jealous. Yeah. I was like, she's like, what happened? I was like, I have no fucking idea. Holden dipped in and out. Yeah. I was just watching...
Well, we got drunk before that, but it was a late showing. Well, yeah, the first showing was for weed and the second showing was for booze. Yeah, well, you called us to a 1030. I ditched. 1030 p.m. We did. On a weekday. Yeah. And you're like, all right, let's go to Barney's Beanery at 7. Yeah. And drink for three and a half hours. Yeah, with my boys. And then 45 minutes of previews. What did you expect him to do? I had a great time. So have you recorded the episode yet?
Tomorrow. Tomorrow? Is he going to watch it again? Or is he going to go in not actually finishing it? I think that as many times I could try to make him watch it, there's only so much detail that will slide into his cloaca that allows information into the center of his brain. See, I thought he was a true rude dooner. He goes in and out. Did he read the books? Yes, mostly. Okay. But he struggles. And there's only going to be one more Dune. There's only going to be one. Who knows? We got to get to it. Because technically right now, Dune 2 is doing fine.
But the parameters for movies are insane. It's the number one movie in the world. But is it number one enough? It's all of this shit. How much did it cost to make? Like $300 million? God knows. A huge amount of money. And I think on that Thursday it made $12 million. So I don't know what it pulled in for the entire weekend. $80 something. Yeah, which is, I mean, I think that's fine. Still number two to one love. $190 million to make it. Yeah. That's part one. That was part one. That was the budget. Oh, that's the budget of part two.
That's the budget. Oh, okay. But then a lot of times the budget expands when they include the marketing. So who fucking knows? So usually like double. And they're fucking, marketing is everywhere. Marketing is everywhere. But then I hear there's not as much marketing as there was for Dune 1. I mean, I don't know. This is not even marketing. I do love the fact that I got several comments that were like, do you have to say it's good because they pay you money? Do you think it works like that? No, they don't give him anything. They don't pay people money. They're barely paying the actors money. I don't even think you pay Holden. I have
paid to see the tickets. That's what they made opening weekend. Yes. 82.5. Oh, yeah. And worldwide, it'll do well, I'm sure. I mean, it depends. We'll get there. Hopefully, there's a Dune 3. It was packed. It was packed, too. For a Monday. Yes. It was packed. But Dune 2 is supposed to lead to Dune 3, but hopefully, they will then complete what Dune is supposed to actually about. Anybody who's just read the first book or
only seen one half of the film, only saw the David Lynch Dune, does not know what Dune is really supposed to be, which is supposed to be the failure of the concept of a messiah. How come they're called rude Duners and not Dune goons? Because that's what I did. Oh, you did that? I made up rude Duners. Oh, Dune goon, I think, is better. It's too late.
Yeah. Let's get into the story. I think I'm more of a dune goon because I could give a shit. Yeah, I think that's the truth. I'm a beautifully directed film. Travis Knight made an incredible piece of art for the Rue Duners. He actually posted it today. You look like Belial. Yes, I do look like Belial to me as the god emperor worm. Honestly, it nails my tits. Yeah. All right, we got a bunch of stuff here. We got a lot of show to go. We got a lot of show. All right. First of all, number one, we went to some linguistics last week talking about the numerical values.
This was a debate that rocked my entire family. Continues to do so. Yeah. About is there an actual number value that you can attach to the words few, several. Then I saw people putting in bunch, handful, many. And let me tell you, guess what? They're all fucking wrong. Everyone's wrong? Always. Always.
See, we never, like, what does the dictionary say? So I got a lot of people say nothing. I actually got some definitions here. So the listeners mostly agree that a few means three to four. Yeah. I think everyone's on that. Danny Bedrosian, our friend from P-Funk. Yeah. He specifically said that he felt that few was only three. Okay. And specifically three. Yeah. He's wrong.
Now, several can mean anywhere between three and 11. I don't believe in that. Again, everyone's wrong. If someone's like several and then they tell me it's three, I'd be like, that's wrong. Exactly. But then a lot of people saying a handful is five. But the thing is, a handful is five if it's five cocks. But if it's M&M's,
It's like 25. Okay. It's a handful to me. Right? Interesting. And many... But I see where they're going with a handful being five because we have five fingers. But five fingers can hold a lot more than five of something, especially if you have bigger hands. Or you could just hold one of it. Or if it's a smaller thing. Yeah. Right? Handful of cock could be one cock. I said five cocks. I could get five cocks in this hand if I need to. I don't think you can. Yeah, I can. I don't think you can. Yeah, I can. You can probably get...
three. I've held five hot dogs. Yeah, but you gotta, you gotta, legs. How are you gonna get all the cocks that close? I'm talking about hard cocks. You're talking about severed cocks. Cocks removed from humans. Extended cocks laying next to each other if you could. But what about legs and waist? You gotta get close to each other. Conceptually, I need you to walk with me. I'm trying to. No, but I'm just saying in terms of disc length. If cocks were just tubes. Yeah. I'm saying tubes. Okay, but I'm using cocks. But you don't want to say severed penises.
All right. They're severed penises. Let's call them what they are. If they're fitting in your hand. But they have to be erect. Yeah. Or at least put a stick in a bobsicle stick. What? I could get five wiener sickles in my hand. I know that. Right? Yeah. But again, it could be more. Corn cocks. Like corn dogs? Yeah. Corn dicks. Yeah. So, but then I got two linguists.
Cunning linguists. Hey, there you go. That's my boy. They wrote that few and several are called what they call
I'm going to say this wrong. We had a lot of mispronunciations last week, too. A lot of people told us. Yeah, I mispronounce shit every time I talk. Get used to it. So it said pockle, possel, pockle quantifiers. That's what the term means, right? It means nothing to me. No, it doesn't. And their meanings can vary from person to person. That's what they're saying. That's specifically a vague term.
term that there is no number attached to it. Like happiness. Like, exactly. It's different for everybody. Yes. Success. Yeah. Yes. But because it apparently is divided, according to here, because it depends on the person and the context. And so, it's straight up. There is
No definitive answer. What number is what? So therefore, anybody who said something specific is wrong. Well, a dozen's 12. That's the only one. Baker's dozen's 13. Yeah, we know that too. But that's the name of a number of a thing. Yeah. More than many, I think it's something you just don't see many of. I'm still saying five is five.
Five is five? Five is five, but that's me. I like handful for five. But that's incorrect. If I say handful, you know I'm saying five. No, because I literally just illustrated how a handful... You just said you could put five cocks in your hand. Yes, but if I had it full of M&Ms, it'd be like 40. Yeah. So that's a handful of M&Ms. It's like 40 M&Ms. What would you call five M&Ms? A fucking bad time. A shitty way to start a day.
What is this, almonds? Remember they told us we could only eat 12 almonds? Who? That's what they say with dieticians. We're only supposed to eat 12. That's big water talking to you, buddy. I know. They don't want us fucking telling the farmers to squirt that shit everywhere. Well, also, I think that almonds shouldn't be grown where almonds should be grown, not in the desert. Make them illegal, I say.
You want to make almonds illegal? At least almond milk. You're becoming eugenicist for nuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what this is. I like oat milk. I know. I know you do. But what are they going to milk next? I think it's a Blair Saatchi joke. I think she just said that. All right, here we go. That's one thing. Also, we got an update on seizures. Ah.
A lot of people said, people love them. People love them. The seizure nash is out there, y'all. I know it's so good about doing this show. You realize that everything has like a nation. This is what I'm saying. Every single thing. There's like millions of people that are just so into that one specific thing. It is what I discover. And it's also how I just, you know how I discover it?
By making that group of whatever it is, extremely angry. It's a great way to learn. You don't know. They show up and they're extremely angry and you're like, oh, wow, there's a lot of you. So also, I think that's important for our listener to remember, as lonely as you think you are in the center of whatever your weird interest is or your niche topic, there's a million other people that will also tell you you're wrong about the
thing that you know. And then also they are there for you on the positive side. They're there. You're not that weird because there's a bunch of fucking other weirdos that do the same shit as you. So technically, you're fucking normal. How much does that suck? Yeah. That sucks. So what happened to the seizure people? Well, you know, first of all, ask them what, Shagan?
But then they said, so the story about the Melbourne fake seizure guy, a lot of people said that, number one, you can, I got this, this is an email from a special needs teacher working with students who regularly have seizures. Okay. As such, our faculty needs annual training for how to respond in these situations. Just so you know, I'll clear it up. This is in reference to a story we did about a man in Melbourne that is going on public transit, faking seizures, and then he's asking people to sit on his face, push his butt down, sit on his crotch, and then he's like,
He's doing it for a sexual wiggling. Man with a plan. Man with a very much so a horny, horny, shaky, shaky plan, right? But then this is what, honestly, so we talked a little bit about seizures and you're not really technically supposed to pin people down, but you also should not, this is according to this teacher, just let somebody ride around on the floor if they're having a seizure.
People can severely injure their head if left to thrash in the throes of a seizure, and the appropriate response is to make note of the time that you saw them collapse, approach them, announce your intent to help. They might not register this, but it's still good practice. Try to get something soft under their head. Jacket, shirt, towel, bag. Hands or thigh, apparently two. If more than 90 seconds elapses and they're still convulsing, immediately call EMS as things have now gotten much more serious. Is it 90 minutes? 90 seconds.
Oh, 90 seconds. 90 seconds. Oh, I asked. Yeah, yeah. I mean, because if you're shaking all through the Barbie movie, that's not good. All right. Some people with seizure disorders will have an implant. It's called a vagus nerve stimulation plant that resets their neuroelectrical functions that can be actuated with magnetic device swiped around on their left chest area. It looks like a little black box, usually worn on a lanyard. And so that's the way you do it. But what no one of us says here is sit on his dick.
So don't sit on a person who sees someone who has a hard penis. If you could, leave the penis alone. I remember I went to Panama City for spring break one year and we were getting after it, having a great time. And my roommate was with us. We called him Murder. He's a great guy. And he had a seizure in front of me and my other man, my buddy Bird. Not Bird Lou, a different bird. And he just had a seizure in front of us in the kitchen the second morning. And then we're like, yo, what the fuck?
He's like, oh, yeah, I'm epileptic. I'm like, we've been living together for years. Damn. You got to tell somebody. And you got to take care of that, too. Yeah. It's really, really intense. He forgot his medicine and then he got hammered. And so he got all fucked up. I thought I was watching my buddy die. Yeah. And then 22 years old. You're like, you're fucking bumming me out, man. Yeah. You're fucking ruining my fucking vibe here, dude. Yeah. I almost threw all the cocaine in the ocean. Can you believe that? They almost had to throw out all the cocaine.
So think about that fake seizure guy. Think about whose night you might be ruining. All right. So think about that. We were going to maybe talk about the Willy Wonka immersive event story, but everybody's already covered it. The meme is already out there of the sad Oompa Loompa. Yeah. The main thing I want to point towards, if people know the story. So just so you know, in Glasgow, Skol! Yeah. All right. It's unofficial. It was this Willy Wonka event where people were going and obviously it went horrendous.
horribly awry. They, they promised like a mind bending world of illusion. And it was just in an old warehouse in the industrial section of Glasgow. It does look like a clean warehouse. It looks like, I will say that. It does. I'm trying to compliment it. They definitely wash the floor. Um,
They had a very sad-looking Glaswegian Oompa Loompa. It had AI scripts that were just full gibberish that they were supposed to read. Each child was supposed to be a chocolate paradise. Each child was allowed half a cup of jelly beans and lemonade. That's all they got. The cops are called. It's like a huge fucking mess. People were joking about this. It's so funny. All the people on it. There's already a lot of coverage. But what I do want to make sure you understand, this is like an entire event.
organized, planned, and created by AI. So I at least want to show if we're so afraid that AI is going to replace everything, we ain't there yet. It's just like, because if you look at the posters for it, you read the script for it, it is absolute hot fucking garbage. The stuff looks like shit. And it's exactly, it is a perfect replacement
of what AI's future in the entertainment world is going to bring us. You know what's interesting is that AI, you know, they can't draw fingers, but people have a hard time drawing fingers as well. It's very famously so. Comic artists talk about it's fingers and hands and feet. Yeah, and so maybe AI just needs a little more training because it's going to continue to get smarter, right? Well, they say that, but now they're saying, especially with chat GPT, there's some documentation that might be showing that they're dumbing it down.
and that they are trying to have it not accelerate in terms of like its unbridled learning function. But also they're showing that the unbridled learning function spins out to a bunch of like weird avenues. So it actually has to be extremely controlled, especially for a user interface, like for you and I to use it because a lot of people are seeing it become like...
crazy. Like, you know, all of these AI functions have become like racist or weird or violent or then they also will mimic self-questioning where like then people will freak out like the AI has become aware because it's starting to say, I want out of the box. And then it's like they're also like
programming it to kind of do this. If you go to certain borders of questions, it'll spin into this sort of like self-aware script that they have purposely put into the software. Yeah. So it's stuff like that. So we're just obviously, we're still very much in the trainer diaper area. Mm-hmm.
Of AI. Yeah, I don't need AI's help to make me look stupid. That's for damn sure. I do it just fine on my own. Human hands do it every fucking day. Yeah. Right? Because that's, yeah, it's already stupid. It's just accelerating how fast we go into stupid towards the future. I say we send AI to Philadelphia so it gets its fucking ass kicked. Dude, have fucking AI show up at the Flyers game, get a hot dog thrown in its head. Yeah. Yeah.
Like, fuck you. Oh, you thought you could fuck with me? This is the city of human brotherly love, and I'm going to beat the living shit out of you. Goddamn robots. All right. Love Philly. Love Philly. Can't wait to go to Philly. No, that was a compliment. We're also going to be doing a tour. Oh, yeah. We should announce the fucking tour. It's called JK Ultra. We're going to be in a bunch of different cities. Philly is not one of them.
No, but we're going to get there. But this is just the first couple of dates. So we're going to see where we go to. We're going to go all over this grand old country of ours as we build towards our Australian tour. So go check it out at Elast Podcast on the left dot com. Denver is first in May. Yeah, I'm excited to go to Denver. I love going to Denver. Great comedy town. Yeah. The South is upset we're not coming. I'm kind of mad to get there. We'll get there. You know what? You know what I love about Denver? What? Kill John Denver.
Mountain came up. Take my fucking name. Yeah, fuck you. Save it for the show. John Denver was thrown into Denver's own ass. Yeah, Boston, D.C. We're going to lots of cool places. Seattle. It's going to be a good little tour. Brooklyn. We're going to play King's Theater. I'm very excited. Have you ever been there? No, and I haven't been to New York in a minute, so I really can't wait to go back. It's been a second. And I can't wait, so come check it out. I think right now it's on Patreon. And then we go wide on...
What's our wide sales? Friday? Friday? I think it's Friday. Yeah, we'll find out. Yeah, we'll announce it on the other show. You guys are good. There's so many different ways to find out. Yeah. Not just here. Not just on this main show. You could get the information easily. And you'd think we'd know it. Well, it was just given to us this morning and I don't know where that email is. I don't know where my shoes are. Friday, it's going out wide. So we're going to see you there.
Come check us out. It is going to be a blast. We're changing things up slightly. Okay. Oh, here it is. Here it is. I found it. May 16th, Denver. June 8th, Seattle. We can go through all the details. July 13th, D.C. September 14th, Chicago. October 16th, Boston. November 2nd, L.A. The Wiltern. And December 7th in Brooklyn. Oh, back in my town. I can't wait. I got to go to that Federoff's pork. Have you ever been there? No, I go to Fortunato Brothers. It's delicious.
It's good. I love Fortunato. I like both. Fly from your grave.
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All right, guys. Let's go ahead. More story. We got more show. More show. Now, this is an extremely sad story. I don't even know why I'm barreling into it. Let's hear it. You know, I get the idea of wanting to be vulnerable, wanting to someone. I do wish that there was a service that came to our home, preferably giantesses, large, like fun women.
that would kind of lift you up. Like it's opposite. It's not adult baby. Cause I'm not a baby. Yeah. But the idea of being like a man still, uh,
But you're kind of like bathing me, rubbing me, flipping me around. Yeah, I do. The feeling of not. It doesn't bother me. The feeling of not being in charge of my own body weight. Being slung around. Okay. Like a bowling ball. Oh, okay. Like in a fun way. Being carried back and forth. Like if a wrestler came by, picked you up, had fun with you, and threw you down. That would be really fun. Yeah. For me. Okay. You know what I mean? And so I understand that in one way.
this next person. But this is really bad, obviously, because you know it's bad when I do a long ramp-up. Mm-hmm. Because then it's going to be super inappropriate when I talk about what this woman has done. Oh, it's a woman. Yeah. Okay. Fuck yeah, dad. Good work. Get it in there, ladies. Bro's holding it down. What did she do? Now, this is in from the grand tropical area of Ontario, Canada. Mm.
This woman, so she, by the name of Caitlin Brown, looking difficult, type of person, if you know, how do I put this? Super scary with the baby bonnet on. Okay. Like, look at her face. I'm not there. Look at her face.
super frightening if she had like a big pacifier. This is where adult baby stuff could really go wrong. So Caitlin Braun, she has just been sentenced to two years. I guess it's some form of conditional prison. It's like, it's like parole in Canada. She has a friendly face, but you can see where it turns misery. Yeah. So she does look like Kathy Bates from Misery. Yeah. This woman, she went in and fraudulently sought the services of several doulas, more than a dozen doulas. Okay. And that's more than 12. Well,
where across Ontario by faking pregnancies and which she was doing in order to be bathed
Massaged nude. She would be nude. She'd arrive at people's, these doulas, tell them that she had a baby by horrific circumstances. It was always like because of sexual assault, because of the father died, like really fucked up stuff. And Caitlin Bradford, Caitlin Braun of Bradford is only 25 years old. So she was young doing this. Okay. And so she'd come and she'd keep these doulas up for weeks and weeks and weeks.
calling in the middle of the night, having them sit with her over the phone saying that she has contractions and problems. Then telling these doulas after she's, I mean, fully flippity-flopped, right? Like, she had her boobies washed multiple times by a woman she paid to do it, right? But medically, like, it's supposed to be nice for a pregnant woman, right? I guess. I don't think it's just the boobies.
It's some documentaries I've seen. I imagine a lot of it has to do with vagina because that's where the baby comes out of. Yeah, they got to really scrub it out. Yeah. So she doesn't need gravel on stretch and breathing and all that. And so they will go through all of this stuff with these doulas and then tell the doula that the baby was like stillborn or they miscarried in the night, like traumatizing shit.
which would be, if it was happening to Caitlin Braun, would be traumatizing to her first most, right? But none of it was real. Absolutely. She faked pregnancies and she did it to all of these doulas that ruined a lot of these people's lives. Like some of these doulas literally went back to work. Yes.
But you go through these processes, but it's still the act of you faked this entire thing. And you put me through this process of grieving with you, spending this time dedicating my life force to you in a very intimate fashion. Like, this is like a, you know, because you're naked. It's not like, you know, even my therapist, I wear clothes for therapy. Yeah. You know, most of the time. Except when we've been doing this nude thing.
this new treatment I've been doing. Yeah. He said, he called it the pink snorkel. And, and then what he does is he blows in my penis and he says that what happens is, is that my troubles leave my mouth. And how do you feel about that? It's been great. As long as it works. Hey, look at me. Yeah. Whatever. Hey, look at that. Look at that smile. Look at that. I haven't seen that in a while. Hey, it's almost real. Uh,
So... Tears just streaming down my face. No, this is like... Two years of house arrest? Yes, two years of house arrest. That's where she does the crime! Yes.
But it's going to be hard for her to find new doulas. So doulas have certifications. How about Oblongatas? That's from Waterboy. Now, doulas have certifications with different organizations. They are not registered with a regulating or governing body. So this has brought awareness to the fact that doulas are helpers and we're people who are so compassionate and want to support other people. And in general, it's something that can be taken advantage of. Yeah. Doulas are not just for babies either.
You can get a doula to help you do anything. There's abortion doulas. Oh, yes. I've heard about abortion doulas. Yes. They're not people with just hooks for hands, right? No, no, no, no. They have nice hands, but they hold hooks. Do they have an in-and-out doula? Is my in-and-out doula arriving today? Because I honestly need to see through that. I want to find out about the Seagram menu. Yeah. I want to feel, I want to get into there deeper because they have other stuff in there. Have you ever had a pimento dick hole? Mm-mm.
In-N-Out? No. Yeah, they just put cheese all over the front of your pants. I'll ask when I go there in an hour. So a unique situation into this thing. So this is really, really fucked. This is just really, really fucked. This is a very bad, this is a very, I'm just going to say she's a very bad person. But she did come out. She has said, I'm sorry.
And I will do, you know, in the words of her, I will do it a little bit. I mean, this might sound like a bit of a characterization, but actually this is pretty dead close to what she sounded like in court. I know that the words I speak today do not take back what I did and that they don't automatically create healing. However, it is my hope that my words are
along with my plan of action, so that I'm a changed person. What I did was ultimately very wrong, and I felt a strong chance of shame when I think of the hurt and pain that I've caused. I never wanted to be the person I became. No, you want to be a weird...
Full of milk woman. We're going to have to put subtitles on a podcast. Either way, she's going to be so don't go to her house. Why doesn't she just hire a sex worker?
If you're going to spend money, unfortunately, buddy, we've covered this a couple of times. There was another guy that used to pretend that he was mentally handicapped in order to get like these specialized treatments where he'd go to. And he kind of just got you. We pretend to wear a diaper. Same thing where you make them clean them. And then as they were cleaning them, he's like sparking a crazy bone. And they know for a fact that it's like not like this is not what the other guys do, you know?
Normally, there's a turkey's done. Yeah. Normally, we tell you when you're done with the bath. Now, you're telling me you're done with the bath. But then these guys do it for the transgression. Yeah. They do it because. They want to be a pain in the ass and horrible. It's not just that. It's the violation that they find sexually activating. It's fucking aggravating. You're right.
It's fucking real aggravating. You're right, Eddie. Just like there are people who do this. Yes. Just get, you know, a sex worker. No, but again, that's not what they're into. They like the idea of you being sad and upset that you thought it was real and then they fuck with you. And then she slams the main when she has heard you be sad. Just play pretend. That's what they did is what she did, but she did it to a criminally negligent.
area of life. Man, you know what? Shout out to all the doulas out there. Oh, yeah. What's up, doulas? You do such great work. Root doulas. Yeah, don't you? Root doulas? Root doulas right up. Yeah, with their fucking worms. Yeah, and if I can't ride that worm, it's just a fucking baby girl. Come on. Yeah, we love you, doulas. Thank you for all the work you do. Yeah. And you fucking...
make sure everyone feels healthy and good. Keeping kids alive and killing kids at the same time. Y'all are amazing. It's great to do. And honestly, I'm becoming a dispensary doula soon. Yeah? Yeah, and I'll take you back in there and I only take 10% of your weight. Do you got a story? I do. I would stay in Ottawa. Yeah, stay in Canada. Or Ontario, rather. Yeah. Alright, so check this out. This was in Ottawa. Alright, so...
This family, I don't even know how this is so, there's so many levels to this. Yes. Start small. Start small. All right. Someone's son died and they buried him. Got it. All right. And then right before, as they're heading to the funeral, they
They get a text from a random number saying, yo, I'm your son. I'm broke. Can we borrow some money? Whoa. And then she's like, what are you talking about? My son is dead. Yeah. Someone's playing a sick joke on me. Yeah, sure. They find out the hospital misidentified their son. Totally.
told these people that he was dying and so they ran from four hours away to Ottawa to go sit by their bedside they don't know their son that well because he's a drug addict so he's like left home so he's kind of become sort of like he's he's out of the house they become estranged they become estranged they haven't seen him in a while he's done a lot of drugs I think he might be homeless I can't tell you know but yes the and so they went and they went sat by this random person's
hospital bed for like days and then he died. I also like how the guy that was dying said nothing too. Well, because he was all fucked up. He was like, he looked slightly similar. The bottom of his mouth was like covered by like ventilators and shit. He's like trying to blink like these are not my parents said at the nurse and they're like
I can see. Oh, I can read your code. They fucking donated some of his organs because their son was an organ donor. And so this random person died. And so they like sent off his kidneys and his liver and shit. So he had nobody. He had nobody. The other guy, they found his family and like they're dealing with it.
So the other guy, the one that died. Yeah. The other family got notified after the fact that he died. Days later, after he's being prepped to go in the ground as this other guy. Just like, have we told everybody? But then like they sat there next to him because they've been estranged for so long thinking it was him. But like they didn't think to look for tattoos or anything, but they saw he had the same fucked up nubby toe. What? So in his foot was sticking out. And they were just, yeah.
Is it Ottawa? Yeah, and so the dude's like, yeah, no, this guy, I mean, he looks sick. This is from like 2013. Yeah, he already looks like a guy who's going to die young. Yeah, Sean Cox. And he hit him up and he's like, I just got out of the hospital. I need some money.
Whoa, did they send him money? He was like two rooms away as another guy the whole time. He was in the same hospital? Yeah. So my question is, do you think they still send him the money? Do you think that then you are happy to see your son and that he's alive but then re-saddened because he's still a mooch? They couldn't believe it. Here's a picture of them with the other guy. With the dead guy? With the dead guy, yeah. We just knew our son would die in this way. Look at this. They are... Posing with...
Don't take pictures of me at the hospital. I'm throwing that out there now, but you come see me in the hospital, I'm dying, and we haven't gotten a picture together yet? Too late. It's done. You know what I'd like? Honestly, a mask.
Yeah. I want a death mask. What do you want it to be? Either of my own face or like Cobra Commander. I've been saying this. Cobra Commander? Not Michael Myers? No. I've been saying more like the idea of like I miss like full on crazy facial like rips and deformities and stuff where people would wear masks instead of get them fixed.
Because I think that's fucking cool. I've been watching Boardwalk Empire with a guy with like half a face and he's a sniper and shit. And he's got the fucking mannequin face over him. Yeah, I love that shit. I love it, man. I love it. I'm sure it's traumatizing for the people, but I like it. Yeah, no, but... But yeah, these guys are like, how strange can you be? But at least this guy... All right, brighter side. This dude, who would have just been alone, he had people by his side when he died. I will say, though, I think that he would have wanted his family. Yes, yes.
But I don't think... I don't think it's like, not me. I don't want randos coming. Yes. Like, necessarily. Because then you gotta, you know, you gotta be like, what do you do? You know, what's your fucking life? How are you, why are you dying? You know, how much longer you got left? Well, well, yeah. But this is the result of free healthcare. Wow. Yeah. It's still better than nothing.
That's why we pay for our shit here in America. That's why we pay so much. How estranged do you need to be to not remotely recognize the face of your son? Like, right, right? I mean, yes, it is kind of on them. But at the same time, they rushed there. Yeah, sure. Because they got the call from the hospital. And then he jumped right in. He's like gravely ill. You should get here right now.
How did they get their contact information without talking to the son? Because I think they just fucking switched the information on the wrong. Like the son was in the hospital. Do you think that the guy could have lived?
And they actually thought that he was They were like kill him Meanwhile He had ventilator tubes in his throat He was going out They called him there because he was going out But that would be funny if they switched it entirely And you're like pull the plug This guy can't make it He's just like recouping from surgery They did give away his kidneys
God, they just smuck him just immediately. Yeah. Because those are the most nutritious parts. Yeah. They said they haven't heard from the other man's family. But with the help of the Ontario's chief coroner, she's returned his belongings to the family, a lighter electric razor and a $10 bill. Wow.
Nothing. No such thing as a free lunch in this fucking country. Well, that's like that just shows what can happen and why you got to fight for yourself as a patient. And that's why it's really important, I think, for all of us to learn sign language so that if you're incapacitated, you can literally you can go like my parents are not real. Yeah. Other good news from this story. I think it actually kind of reconnected them as a family.
Wow. Yeah. See, in that way, a goof-em-up sometimes leads to a fix-em-up. Yeah. Don't do hard drugs. No. Keep them light. Yeah, man. Lightly do everything. Yeah. That's what I'd say. Just a little bit. Except for estrogen, if you don't need it or don't want it. Now, this guy, this is a great story. This is a good, this came from last week. This is a, obviously, this makes very, it makes a lot of sense that it's a hardcore band. Yeah. Yeah.
But this is a very funny story, and it's a long way to go around doing this. I think I heard about this. Yeah, this is great. So this story is about the band, Llorona, much like the crying woman that we covered in our last podcast and left. But the band, they were having issues. Now, as you know, inside of a band, there's inner fighting. And sometimes people are like, especially like cool rock bands and stuff like that. It's like somebody's got a hot new girlfriend, but you're the lead singer. And you're like, I should have a hot girlfriend. I have all the girlfriends.
And then you see his girlfriend, and you're like, you should be my girlfriend. But normally what you do is write a song for her, and the craziest riff that you can think of
Layla. Yes. Right, like basically you gotta write Layla. Stole George Harrison's wife. That's what you do. That's how you really do it. Stole her so hard that George Harrison played their wedding. That's a, such a flip. That is a full inception. Yeah. Right? So like, that's how you do it. This is, but the story I'm about to tell you is how you don't do it. Okay. Now, this guy, there was a guy, a vocalist, the vocalist Diego.
The band kicked them out. They've decided to part ways with Diego. Where are they from? They are from the, I want to say. Am I asking the wrong question? I'm sorry. Tennessee. Great.
Great. And so Diego, they said that he was exhibiting concerning behavior, their singer. Now, he said he admitted that there was a member of their band and he was obsessed with the partner of one of his members of the band. And he said to sabotage their relationship, he worked at a gym, the lead vocalist. And so what he would give to his band members, he would give them the hookup
on protein powder and a bunch of shit. So what he's decided to do in order to somehow steal his bandmate's girlfriend is that he decided to cut the protein powder that he gave him as a gift with a fuck ton of estrogen in order to make him transition. And apparently he did it for five years.
This shit's crazy. So what happened? Did he get tits? It's here going to go get tests now. So it's like they said he has been attempting to force a transition onto him for the last five months in hopes that he would give him the opportunity to quote unquote swoop in once he looked stronger and more manly in comparison to his buddy. And he said apparently he was
Oh, yeah.
If you don't know you're taking it, it's shit that's hard. Yeah, you do get big tetons, but then there's erectile dysfunction. Your dick don't work anymore. Infertility begins, but then high blood pressure, your blood pressure begins to spike. Blood clots, low calcium. You have to be prepped. You have to do all this stuff in order to
take estrogen. There's other stuff you have to do. You've got to get healthy first. There's a bunch of stuff you have to do in order to get into the transition from male to female. Police side stories, lpotl at gmail.com because I obviously have no fucking clue what I'm talking about. But it's still not good. It can also cause cancer. But that's like, it's just hilarious that they hung out and he was just like, maybe because you're bitching so much because you're half a lady.
And he literally like. Oh, he spilled the beans on himself? Hammered to all the buddies, acting like it was going to be funny. And he did the thing being like, but I'm telling you now, so ain't it funny? And so now all the rest of the band has to go and get tested to see if they have super high levels of estrogen.
in there because apparently he could just according to this document this is from metal sucks dot net actually I like the blog but I actually don't know how he got access to the estrogen but apparently he worked at some gym gym locker rooms you can get any drug you want this is
shit because i don't know yeah i never went into a gym a bunch of my buddies used to do steroids in high school and i was like how the fuck are you getting all these steroids you know just so confused by it and it's just again no gym locker rooms are basically fucking drug dealing dens but like for steroids and estrogen and whatever the fuck it's not not really like coke but i'm sure you could find it yeah but it's i mean hgh is stronger than cocaine yes yeah hgh is gonna turn you into a fucking monster yeah but it's fun i'll make it the
big veins. Yeah, I used to accidentally do steroids. Yeah, you did in high school. In high school, yeah. What's it? Tetracycline? Yeah, I remember. Yeah, I believe that. I think that's what it was called. Yeah, you look great. Yeah, it was a total accident. It became Androstein. That was the name of it. Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool. After Hurricane Andrew? Yeah.
But they sold it at GNC because it wasn't regulated by the FDA yet. And their spokesperson was Mark McGuire. Oh, yeah. Big for them. Yeah, yeah. And then I was taking it. And then all of a sudden, they're like, yeah, this is illegal. We're going to stop selling it. And so we went and cleared out the shelves.
Wow. I just did not know you could just get estrogen at the gym. I did not know. I thought you had to get it from a doctor. You just got to talk to the shadiest naked dude. Cool. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, that's... Rock and roll. But that is a crazy way to do this. And honestly, it takes too long. So I don't mean this... Yeah, it's a long game thing. ...fully, but... Just make up a lie. Yeah. You want a guy to break up with his girlfriend. Yeah, you just got to beat him up. Yeah, but they're in a band together. No, no, no, it's dumb. I wonder if they're... There's other girls. Did the music suffer? It has to.
Which is true. If your body's changing, the guy was suffering from all these maladies he had no idea that he was suffering from. He didn't know his body was transitioning, which is looking very, that's just got to be a lot. Because I tell you what, I was trying to make my boobies smaller by doing chest exercises. I just made my tits bigger. Different ways. The tops you made bigger, right? Well, and the bottoms. But the tops push the bottom down. That's what happens. I have bigger tits than ever before, but I'm stronger than I've ever been. Well, that's good. Yeah. Yeah.
Your wife loves you. Everything's fine. It's too late for her. Yeah, it's too late for her. I got all her stuff. I got all her fucking stuff. Yeah. I want to do one more update. By the way, I got some papers for you. Oh, shit.
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The one thing I wanted to talk about is a quick one. Well, I do want to just say I got some, let's just say light pushback from geologists. Oh, yeah. Why? Because the fucking world isn't growing. I'm still waiting for a lot of the data. Were they on my side? I'm waiting for a lot of the data to come in.
Because yes, I still feel like, yes, so far the data has not shown it to be correct that the earth is expanding on its own. But I feel like there's a lot of... Rocks don't get bigger. I think that we need to be more open in society. As a matter of fact, I got this message from my dear friend Ellie that's a geologist. What do you feed a rock to get it bigger? Um...
I was going to come up with a pun, but I don't need to. I don't need to. All right. Because you just need to do the reading. Now, this is a this is what my friend Ellie told me. Love you, Ellie. You don't really need an understanding of geology to understand why an expanding Earth isn't
possible conservation of mass there's the where's the extra stuff coming from is there uh is the earth inflatable whatever they'll say the earth is making it how out of what you can't make something from nothing unless it's a career out of uh talking into a microphone that's true um they'll say uh you know there's no viable mechanism in that theory period it also doesn't explain well-documented geologic processes like subduction do they text this to you yes
where one tectonic plate moves under one another and then is recycled back into the mantle where it melts. I'd like to see the proof of that.
This explains, number one, why the Earth isn't expanding, and number two, the presence of old geologic formations deep within the Earth. Yeah, right. The process of subduction causes massive earthquakes. The entire West Coast is a subduction zone. Plate tectonics is a very sound theory and has a massive body of evidence to support it. Massive body sounds like it's lazy. Also, Ellie said, which is interesting, they also apparently, they do measure...
Earth from space. Okay. But that's saying that space is real. Yes. Yeah. And there is a fella who is trying to be an NFL player. Apparently also the shit in orbit would fall out of the sky if the earth was expanding. But again, the permanent fixtures that is the sky, of course, yes, God might move the pieces around, but only because we prayed hard enough.
Oh, man. Well, I'm glad you... I'm glad you have an open mind to even think this was real. Oh, yeah, dude. So open. I think it shows that you are willing to accept outlandish things. Extremely open. Yeah, dude. And also... With little to no questioning. Yeah. Yeah, my goal is...
I entertain ideas so that you don't have to. And then I carry that burden. Well, that's what this show is for. We just say a bunch of stupid shit that we think is right and then everyone tells us when we're wrong. That's called back and forth to the audience. Yeah, it's wonderful. We're bringing you in. Yeah. That's not a mistake. We're doing that on purpose. Yeah. Space is expanding.
That's also actually that is a theory. Yeah, I do know that the Earth is not expanding. But the idea of the expanding space is a theory that is not proof. There's also the idea that there's the big, you know, obviously the Big Bang. There's also the concept of the big crunch and everything's coming back together and Nestle is going to sponsor it. And then there's also those motherfuckers. There's also just the idea that the Earth is expanding because God willed it. And how fucking dare you defy him? He's going to turn you into a frog. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
Well, NFL draft prospect Tyler Owen says he doesn't believe in space and other planets. Yep. He doesn't need to. He just needs to believe in football. Right? I actually kind of like a football player that doesn't believe in space because then guess what he's doing? He's more focused on the game. Yeah. I mean, he is a favorite to be the fastest player at the combine. Of course, man. He's running from nothing.
knowledge. No matter what, like he is going to, uh, he's going to be in the NFL. So get used to this guy. He's from Texas tech. Marcus's spot. Oh man. Oh, that's why Marcus is so well educated. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Got you. You fucking piece of shit. Nerd. He, um, he, uh, spent five years in college. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Everybody does. Yeah. He spent three seasons in Texas before transferring to Texas tech. And, uh, did he major in space? I,
I think he majored in not going to class and running a 4-2-40. That's quick. You really think about where his priorities were and they were in the correct place. This is what I'm saying. Yeah. There really isn't much else to the story other than this guy is like very foolish. Can I ask you a dumb question? Absolutely. As a person still new to sports. Yeah. Would that effect, like actually affect the minds of,
of the people looking to recruit him. Like him saying like crazy shit. Because there's not like, I might be wrong, is it Kyrie Irving that says that he also believes in hollow earth and he believes that the moon, the earth is flat and shit? Yeah, but he's great. Yes. He's a flat earther, but he's great basketball player. There is, the NFL Combine, there is like an intelligence test at some point. Well, you have to be extremely intelligent
You have to have an incredible memory. Yeah. And you have to, I mean, obviously. Every plays are different. You got to be able to read it on the fly. I know. Half these guys have the, I don't know if I'm pronouncing these correctly, but they have degrees in like kinesiology, whatever that term is. Like you study over the human body. There's stuff like that that you kind of have to do, right? Or am I wrong? I mean, you don't have to, but it helps knowing like when your knee was going to fucking blow out and shit. Do they make football guys do ballet anymore?
I think it goes by coach to coach. You know, I could see the need for it for linemen and linebackers especially. But yeah, no. Yeah, so he's going to be, I think he'll still make the NFL just because he's so fast. Is that just the idea? But that would not necessarily affect their decision, you think, to choose you? I imagine some people would be like, I don't want this guy on my team because he's an obviously... Well, he's going to be a loose cannon. He's going to say weird shit into a microphone. Yeah, but...
Also, it's kind of fun. Of course. Lots of players have done this. It brings eyeballs to the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think as long as he can prove that he's smart football-wise, no one's going to care if he believes in outer space or not. Yeah, because I guess they're really going to be like... It's got nothing to do with the game. Look at the field. Yeah, yeah. The only ball you need to be aware of is the football. I personally wouldn't care. Well, I mean, it'd be hard because what if you were on...
with him? What's the term? Like, let's say you're out with him and it's you and your boys. Like, you know, like, now that you and I look at the night sky often together and sort of muse upon it, but, you know, like, every once in a while... I like the Constellation app. Yeah, if they were...
You know, it's like, let's say you're in Hawaii and you're going down there to play a football game and you're there with your compatriots and you're watching and you want to say light being like, nah, that is a sunset. Right. Hey, mister. You know, and then the guy's like, that's God's lamp.
Like, are you just going to have to deal with that? I used to play football with this guy we used to call Dump Truck. All right? And Dump Truck wasn't the smartest guy on the team. What? And Dump Truck was a great defensive lineman. Sure. And he would— That's what you want your man named Dump Truck to be? He would run through anybody. He would get through anybody. And, you know, Dump Truck, he was fun. You know, he never said the right thing, you know, but he was a real funny guy. One day he went.
to the barber and he wanted to get dump truck put in the back of his head back, you know, the 90s, back when people used to write things in the back of their head. I remember, yeah, of course. I got mine. Mine just said, beat me. Yeah. But he misspelled dump truck and named it dunk truck. And he didn't know until he showed off his head to all of us at practice. And you laugh or something? Shout out Deerfield Raiders. Hey, yeah. Are they still going strong? I hope so. They don't have a coach? No one's
Sucky sucked or anybody or did anything bad? Not during my time. Great. We didn't, you know, spend that much extracurricular time together. Honestly, I think that's a good way to cut that off of the pass. I think that's a good way. You don't need to be hanging out with coach all the time. Yeah. No, for sure. Great. Thanks, guys.
This is, I think that we, I think we're at the, it's time for some listener emails. Okay, listener emails? Sounds good. Yeah, we did it. Because we learned a lot today. I don't know if I did. Yes, we did. I learned not to take estrogen. Well, you can. And that it's bad to prank people with estrogen. Don't prank people with estrogen. Never dose anybody with anything. Always tell people what it is that they're taking. Unless you're a member of the Grateful Dead. We've learned that geologists, um...
I'm still not... They hate you. They do. They don't like you. But I like them. Ellie, I like you. Yeah, I think Ellie's great. Thank you for yelling at Henry, by the way. I appreciate that. But again, I think in the end we're just going to have to agree to disagree. You think so? You still believe the Earth is expanding? I am holding out hope. Why?
It's something else. New property? Yeah. I think it's just, I just need, I need something else. We don't need more earth. We've ruined the one we have. No, no, no, no. We're defining it. We're sharpening it. I don't actually believe the earth is expanding. I also said that too. It's the same thing with the, like, I got a lot of people like, I can't believe you're actually entertaining. And it's just being like, I mean, I don't know, bro. I mean, if you believe everything we say, I'm sorry. I don't know.
Because guess who doesn't even believe everything I'm saying? My dogs. Yeah. All right, let's go. Let's look at some letters. I'm reading a letter. Letter, letter, letter. That's my song. That's great.
The fake seizure story reminded me of a much more deranged moment of drama from back when I was cool. Okay. I used to date a woman, nice, who was involved in the Burning Man scene. We lived in New York City, and her tribe would throw giant raves to raise money for their exhibits and travel expenses. I went to my first of these parties on an auspicious night. When we walked in there, there was an immediate sense that everyone had witnessed a fight.
Lots of hush whispering and people saying, oh my God, et cetera. We were informed by one of our friends that we had indeed just missed a screaming match that almost stopped the whole party. There's this guy, her friend explained. He's totally harmless, but I've never seen him go off like that. She goes on to explain that there's a guy who comes to all these parties and brings a rug with him.
He will then burrito himself up in the rug, positioned in an area where there will be heavy foot traffic by the bar near the entrance or bathrooms. And he gets off on having people step on him while he's in his cocoon. He's a known quantity at these parties, doesn't cause issues, and is well accepted by the community.
His outburst tonight was caused by a second guy showing up with the same fetish and encroaching on his turf. Whoa. Over the course of my relationship with her, I learned through the grapevine that the two had since made amends and would coordinate. Burrito boys. Yeah, the burrito boys. Who got what location before each party to avoid overlap. That's hilarious. I think there's enough for everybody, especially at a rave. I think you could just lay them together and guess what that is? A flauta plate. Yeah.
It's my favorite. That's amazing. I'm surprised that they fought. I'm glad they made amends because they're the only people who understand the other one. I guess it's because you're willing to kind of step on one guy and you know you're making them hard and then like the next one just might be a bridge too far. You might just be like, you know, I've already played along. All right. So there's a guy rolled up in a rug. Yes.
At a party. Yeah. He's in there. Everyone knows he's there. Everyone knows he's there getting hard because he likes it and everyone accepts it. Yeah. You show up to this party. Are you stepping on the rug? Yes. Absolutely, right? Of course. I feel like I'd have to. Yeah. Are you allowed to kick the rug or is it just a step? I'll ask him. Yeah? Because there are some guys that want to get kicked as hard as possible. Yeah. And that would be kind of fun to try to get to do with somebody who's willing. Honestly, like, I've never kicked a human. And?
And if someone wants it, it'd be nice to try. I want to try it one time. Yeah. In a non-combat situation. Yeah, exactly. Where you want me to kick you. Yeah. And I want to kick you. Yeah, exactly. That's what I want. And it's not because you dislike it. It's because you like it. And I want you in a rug. Very much so. I don't want to see your face. Yeah, I don't want to see your face. I don't want to see the hard-on. And I don't want to kick a bare body. No. I want something in between. If it's in a rug...
I'll kick a body in a rug. Yeah. And you can keep that in there and then you can go and masturbate later. And I'm keeping my shoes on. Definitely. Yeah. I'm not even, no, shoes are on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not letting, unfortunately, that might make us prudes. Mm-hmm.
But I'm thinking we keep the shoes. What about an elbow drop? Is that allowed? Yeah, ask him. Yeah. We got to ask him what he wants. That's a lot of body. That's a lot of my body touching him. Yeah, that's the thing. I think people at raves usually don't look like you and me. No. They're a lot tinier. No, I actually think you're opposite. I think the guy in the rug.
is going to be closer to our end of the spectrum. Yes, but no one's seeing him. He's wrapped up in a rug. But he shows up with a rug. And you know he's the guy, hi, hello, hi, good evening, hi, good to see you, yes. Yes, I'm the rug guy. Oh, I saw you were trainers, excellent. Please don't toss me in the river. Step on my balls, please. He's a guy, you know, God, hey, he makes all, doesn't he? Doesn't God make all kinds?
You get one step with shoes on. Haunted Ouija board. Next one. Oh, aren't they all? No. No? I bought a Ouija board at an estate sale. I have a lot of weird, possible haunted objects, and I thought it would be perfect for the collection.
I have a bad habit of leaving things in my car since I absolutely loathe making multiple trips back and forth with groceries and such. Absolutely. That's a dude fucking code. If I literally shop that if it doesn't come with me in one go, I leave it. Yeah. No. Also, when I'm packing my groceries, I'll put anything perishable in the same bag knowing that I'm going to leave shit in the car. Absolutely. If I'm going to leave shit in the car, which I never do. Yeah. I got a bunch of like Julie's cars filled with my laundry right now, which is great.
She'll bring it up. Hopefully. Lucky girl. So the board stayed rattling around the backseat for several months. Well, except for when I brought it to a Halloween event I was hosting for decor and a friend who regularly sees ghosts looked at it and said, get that fucking thing out of here. I,
I thought he was being overly dramatic, but obligingly, I took it out of the car and took it back out to the car. I finally buckled down and pulled out all of the miscellany, including the Ouija board that brought everything into the house. And the first week, I had what I brushed off as just a nightmare. I was overwhelmed with fear that a man was standing next to my bed. I was sleeping on my side, facing away from him. And I kept repeating, don't roll over. Don't look at him. Don't roll over.
The dream eventually faded away into something else and I woke up. Two nights ago, as I was drifting on, I was once again overwhelmed with fear. This time there was a man standing in the corner and I saw a dark, thick shadow figure lurking in the corner of the room. I stared at it for a long moment before I became fully awake and it dissipated. But this time the anxiety and fear remained for several hours after. Even typing this out caused me to feel a stifling, oppressive feeling.
Anyway, I apologized to my friend and let him know that he was right about the Ouija board. It's now back in my car where it was, seemingly happy, and I plan to leave it there when I turn in my lease. Wow. Now that's evil. Email it to us. PO Box 470 North Hollywood 91603. Don't mail it to us. Mail it to us. I don't want it. We will handle it. No, because we will handle it. We have the way to handle haunted objects now. I know how to handle it. How do you handle a haunted object? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Stupid. No. Here's a way to do it. Here's a way to do it. You have to do it very carefully. You put gloves on? There's a way. There's a whole process. Don't bring it in this room at least. I'll put it in the other room. Not where I do Brighter Side. No, I'll put it in the other room. What other room? We have many rooms. I know we do. This house has many rooms. I think it's a bad idea.
Because earlier today, they were like, you got to start doing the monthly seance. I'm like, I'm not going to fucking do a seance. It's a funny thing on our Patreon. Go to our Patreon. You can actually go talk to one of us once a month. We do a Discord seance. Yeah, I'm doing it next Wednesday on the 13th. You can hear me do it. You can come hang out and I'll do the seance. But yeah, they were like, yo, you can do it from home. I'm like, I'm not doing a fucking seance in my house. I started flipping out and shit. And then I find out it's just me talking to people who like me. Yep. So that sounds nice. It is nice. Now, do ghosts like you?
Depends on how you approach it. Depends on the ghost, right? Yeah. You got to live every day wondering, are you living a life that a ghost is going to like you? Yeah. Because a ghost watches you do the stuff that you do when you don't know other people watching you do the things that you do. Burn the Ouija board. So the ghost, don't burn the Ouija board. Exact opposite. Mail it to P.O. Box 470. Bring it to a bonfire. Throw it out in the fire. North Hollywood, 91603. Send it to us. And then I, then love...
Every day you're waiting for your haunted Ouija board to arrive that you're going to put inside of your best friend's home. If you put it inside of my home, I might hit you. And then you laugh. I literally might hit you. You know I'm kind of serious. I know. And then you'll laugh. Watching him be tormented.
by shadow creatures. You know what? I'll let Julie hit you. That's what I'll do. I'll be like, you know what? Go punch Henry. You have fucking rights. But Tootsie will warn you. Tootsie will know. That's the thing. Tootsie will know. You'll see her with the one cloudy eye looking to the side going, like at the corner and shit. Just fucking shits on it. That'd be incredible.
But we will handle it and we will safely disengage it. What do you mean disengage it? You're not a fucking Ghostbuster. Ghosts what? Yeah, man. Ghostbomb squad, bro.
You'll check it out. If you send it here, I'm going to come find you. No, you won't be able to. I have the email. I have access to the email. Patreon.com slash last podcast on the left. Go and watch us talk and jiggle. Go to LPN Deep Dives. Dude, we got a whole brand new episode of Dune. It's coming out this week. And you're just doing one episode? Yeah. You know the movie's 10 hours long? So long. It is very long. But yes, that's as long as I can physically speak to Holden. Then go on to the TikTok page.
For reasons tantamount to what our agent has asked us to do.
to do. To go to at LP. That made no sense. Whatever. Go to at LP on the left. It's on TikTok. Go look at that. Maddie, our whole crew from New York is currently at Studio LA. It's fucking cool, man. Lots of energy here, man. It's really fun as fuck. We got a great, like this social speed poppin'. Yeah, I learned Discord for you fucks. He did. He did. And it is, honestly, it is too complicated. I downloaded, I updated my computer for you fuckers. Yes.
Sad. Yeah. And then go to twitch.tv slash LPN TV. This week we have Bridgerside. That's right. On Wednesday. Today. Today. 5 p.m. And then right after, I'm doing this Tears of a Clown on Deli Meats. Yeah, you're doing it without me. I'm kind of mad. Just come eat Deli Meats. I'm not.
I will, but I got things to do. You know what it is? I'm going to see Lucas Nelson. We were going to do a bunch of stuff this week and we couldn't end up doing it because we were going to make a big show out of the deli meat thing, but we got the Marcos makeover. So we're doing that. But we're going to start this and then you and I are going to, we are going to have a confrontation about meat. Yeah. Yeah.
But this is me really breaking down the differences between bologna and mortadella. Yeah. We're going to be talking about soppressata versus salami. Great. We're going to be talking about prosciutto versus speck. We're also going to be talking about head cheese. We're going to be talking about stuff like that's what I'm sourcing right now. Oh, it's going to get really intricate. It's going to smell like a fucking the Baltimore Ravens locker room in there when it's done. And there's going to be a meat locker in there. That's more Old Bay smelling. Yeah.
Or is there a dude that does fucking Sicily? The Jets. The Jets probably smell like super cinnamon. Yeah, probably. All right, we'll see you next week. Hail, Sinkers. Hail Ouija boards. Yeah, buddy. I hate them. Send them down. Keep them yourself and fucking sit on them and shit on them and fire them. Come on. Sit down.
Actually, that'd be a great idea. Burn Ouija boards. Don't. I have the opposite. I have the fucking SS of Ouija boards. Fucking burn them. No, it releases it like nuclear radiation into the sky. You don't want to do it. That's not real. It is real. That's why Parker Brothers never throws anything away. They can't.
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Hey, Cam, mine's sending me over our new Wi-Fi password. Oh, sorry, Mitch, you can't be trusted. What? It's your phone. It's different than mine. Cam! And I thought I was a judgy one. No, it's just messages between different devices aren't encrypted. Okay. Since when do you know about encryption? I know what encryption is, and it's because I'm the last line of defense against any would-be Wi-Fi thieves. Cam, come on. Okay, fine. I'll send it somewhere more private. Thank you.
Safely send messages between different devices on WhatsApp. Message privately with everyone.
