Side Stories: Some Stories
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Hello! Ed Larson and Amber Nelson from the brighter side here to check in with you, see how you're doing. Is your day more disappointing than a gas station sandwich? Are you trying to put one foot in front of the other in a glue factory? Did you try to throw your air fryer in the bathtub, but nothing happened because you were too lazy to plug it in first? Aww.

Then the Brighter Side podcast is for you. Oh, yeah. Each week we take nasty, dooky, stupid, dumb. Stinky, no good, doo-doo factory. Boo. Caw-caw like topics and try to find the brighter side. Hey, Amber, what's the brighter side of waking up chained to a bed in Russia? At least they have free health care. That's right. So,

So start your weekend off right every Friday with The Brighter Side on the Last Podcast Network. You beautiful babies. There's no place to escape to. This is the Last Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yeah. Hmm. Okay. Oh, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come.

Are we rolling? Oh, we're ready. Are we rolling? Oh, I've heard that that means that the show has to begin. Rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. I used to do it all the time and then everyone made me stop. Rolling, rolling, rolling. Yeah, I know. Isn't it satisfying? It is satisfying, but I do agree with that we shouldn't do it. You did it. I know, but I know I'm wrong. No, but you... Sometimes it feels good to be wrong. Hey, that's my whole life. I'm a sickness. All right, I wanted to posit you a thought that...

Okay. Okay, now, I've not looked this up on the internet, so before you immediately go to correct me, okay, I do not know if there is specifically anything attached to this, but this is just about our own brains, and it is very interesting the different answers I have gotten. Okay. Okay. So we're in philosophy class for a little bit. Very much so. Okay. Now, in your mind. My mind. If you were to assign a number

To the words. Few, several, or... Couple? Few or several. A couple, right? We know a couple is two. Couple is definitely two. Couple is two. If you were to sign a number, when someone says a few, what number...

Does that come up for you? Three to five. Exactly. Now, we talked about this. We got into a screaming argument. Who? My family. Oh, your family. We started talking about this because Jackie and I. Several is seven and up. Seven at 14. I believe several is five and up. But Marcus says five is five. Yeah. And that several is past.

past five. I think several starts at five and both Jackie and I both said, and the reason why is five golden rings. Okay. So did Natalie because it seems like there's a natural demarcation. I believe that few is three or four. Three or four? Yes. And it's about severity. So what's six? Half a dozen. I would say six is half a dozen. I would also get it towards many.

Right, I think more than 10 is many. Yeah, but 12 is a dozen. 13 is a baker dozen. Can you count with your eyes? Can I count? I mean, oh, can you? Many. That's a lot. Ah, see, we were talking about this, and then Margo's been brought up in the middle of the night. We had talked about it for hours. And then he sent me a text in the middle of the night, and it just said, five is some. Oh, some.

Welcome to Side Stories with Henry Zebrowski and Ed Larson. I think 50 or more is a shit ton. I think that, yes, legally. Yeah. But we got into a really long, like, almost close to serious fight. Marcus likes words too much. Honestly, he likes words more than his family. Yeah. And his friends. And his bonds. Because I don't know if there is...

Like an actual number attached to it. I'm certain that there's somebody on Reddit right now. It was like, but I know in my mind, I view it as like, because it's also to me, it's like we were joking about like, you'd say my wife had sex with several men. Okay. Right. But it'd be weird to be like, oh, I've had sex with a few guys. Right. You know, like few sounds like it's serious. Unless you met young.

What? You know, if you met young, she might have only had sex with a couple, with a few guys. But I'm saying if it's casual, you're talking about before. I'm just saying like ran train upon. Oh, yeah. You don't want to do more than a few. I feel like if it's more than a few, according to dictionary, several means more than two, but not many. What does that mean?

That means nothing. No, the word seven is there. I know that this is, I know that it is vague on purpose, but I am attaching a number to it because I want to. Yeah. Because order must exist.

Because if not, it's all chaos. I can see where you're coming from on this. Thank you. Yeah, but... Not unreasonable. And that's one more in the column. And I want everyone to remember that. You see that right there? I just got labeled reasonable. I know, but I'm thinking about taking it away after your reaction. No! Un-

Unallowed. Unallowed. Disallowed. I take it away. Ah, fuck. I am reasonable. And you know you're reasonable when you are yelling it.

I got a couple updates. I want to get some emails on these. Sidestories, LPOTL at gmail.com. You know few is three or four. I'm looking at your shirt of UFO types and I don't see any jellyfish on there. No, because it's not real. It's an old shirt. It doesn't exist. It's an old shirt. The jellyfish aren't a real thing. This is before the jellyfish design became red. So you're saying that they made this shirt before the aliens thought of jellyfish UFOs. They made the shirt before the whistleblowers.

When did you get the shirt? Where's my pamphlets? Where's my fucking pamphlets? This is because, no, it's just not here. It's not... Ed Larson doesn't understand. Calm down, Henry. Don't tell me to calm down. Why? Are you upset? Are you up in your feelings? Ed Larson doesn't understand that knowledge gets updated from time to time. Fuck your feelings! And he also doesn't understand how brave the whistleblowers are within the UFO community.

And what they have to go through. Yeah, because there's almost like there's no one looking for them. You don't know. There's actually too many people looking for them. Yeah? Like me.

Jellyfishers, it's a new, it's fine, I'm calm. I'm calm. Jellyfishers, the new edition. We'll get, we'll get, we'll find out. Remember the, you remember the band new edition? The band new edition? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know them. Is it my prerogative? Yeah, you don't know them personally. It's Bobby Brown. Oh, Bobby Brown. Yeah, he loved Prism. God, he loved Prism. Now, I talked to a guy who shared a cell with him once and he said he was very nice.

He used to get arrested in Florida a lot. Good to know. Yeah. You know, I've always heard Bobby Brown's really nice. Now, let's get into some. That's your prerogative. It is my prerogative. Now, let's get into a couple updates. Number one, I have gotten, wow, the emails I did receive by the scaremongering.

from Ed Larson last week. What did I do? It is not your fault. I understand you're just trying to educate our people by talking about the connections between nose picking and Alzheimer's because they say 91% of humankind picks their nose. And we know for a fact that that means the other 9%

We're lying. Either that or they got no fingers. Or no nose. Yeah. But even then, you could pick the hole in your skull. You could pick the hole in your skull. Nose picking, it says here now, the idea that nose picking equals... Screwdriver to your stump. Pick with that, I guess. Honestly, it's America. Dream big. You know, get new hands. Build yourself hands. Pick yourself up by your wrist straps. Now, they say here that the idea that nose picking equals increased Alzheimer's, it is based...

On a misunderstanding. Okay. It's a study of mice from nearly 20 years ago in which, I guess it's this bacteria, it's a specific bacteria that can get in your nose called Chlamydia pneumoniae. And what they did though, because scientists are fun, they took that bacteria and just juiced it up the nose of a bunch of mice, right? They didn't get to pick their nose.

We get to pick the mice. Mice can't pick their nose. Now, which that caused them to have an increased amount of harmful proteins that have been associated with Alzheimer's. How can you even tell if a mice has Alzheimer's? I think if it's like, what is cheese? I guess. Yeah. It doesn't want its cheese. It gets its eaten hamburgers. I don't know. Honestly, I have no idea what mice. I don't know how you tell. I think they get lost in a maze. Legitimately. I think we get lost in the maze. Okay. Um,

But apparently if you have chlamydia pneumoniae, which I don't know if it's the same as straight up old-fashioned fun, the clap. Yeah. Or is that gonorrhea? I think we used to call it the clap. Chlamydia pneumoniae, you can have an increased chance for Alzheimer's.

And picking your nose, it can introduce more bacteria into a hole inside of your system. It can do this. But the connection of nose picking to Alzheimer's, it is being currently exaggerated because we don't quite know what creates Alzheimer's. We don't really know what it is. We know that you can clean out your brain holes, but we aren't there in a way to do that in a, I think, a sustainable way.

I heard that your grandmother had to clap so bad that it called an applause. That's unfair. My grandmother is dead. She's a bitch. She's a dead bitch. All right. And you guys, I don't know. I mean, honestly, I don't think she might out of ever sucked a dick. Yeah.

I think she might have had sex three times. You think so? That little? My grandfather had a second family. Oh, okay. He was having a great time outside. So he had a standing ovation. Yes, he did. But my grandfather liked us. So we were the chosen children. But I think he was banging out somebody else much better in Vegas. Okay. God bless him.

Now, this is another update. I got a lot of really energetic responses to my coverage of Rachel Dolezal's name change and career loss. Are people upset about it? You know, I think one thing that I sort of skipped was...

which I went a little deeper into Rachel Dolezal because I know that she also faked hate crimes. It's a part of why people are truly angry. Oh, I didn't realize that. I forgot she had faked a hate crime against her, which puts her in the category of the juicy Smollett's, which makes nobody happy. So she did fake a bunch of hate crimes. She's not a good person necessarily, but she is an incredibly beautiful black girl.

queen. She has changed her name to Nkembe Diallo, but we now know that her cover has been blown. But I got a bunch of emails, people talking about her, this woman. So she's trying to get her OnlyFans cooking. She changed it all back to Rachel Dolezal. She is a troubled person. I also got some pushback about the idea about the documentary about her life. There might have been some, obviously, some documentarial documentary

Agenda's there Of course But yes That's why you make a documentary Because you got something to say And you want to put your hat in the ring

Hmm. But that's not really. So I use the term transracial and I ask the audience, like, what is that real? And obviously most people said no, but there is an entire world of this. There is this called race, the race change community. It's RTC. A the acronym stands for changing a race to another race.

That's not how acronyms work, right? I don't know. It is like, it is an Asian thing, RTCA. This is a common strain now on TikTok. They are people who obsess or fetishize Asian cultures. Okay. And then go and they, and it seems a lot of the participants are white.

And they want to be Asian. So they will do sorts of plastic surgery. They do makeup tutorials and stuff online. And what they'll do is they go up to somebody. Start studying in school. I forgot. If only some of these pro things were better. There's a good thing here that is, there's a term that they use.

where what they do is it's called a face claim. And what they'll do is pick an Asian person that they like the look of on the internet. And then what they try to do is because obviously it's TikTok and they want consent.

So they'll send you an email. This is just some random white person. They'll be like, OMG, your face is absolutely dorks. Ooh, I want to make your face my face. And so it says, like, you can request...

a face claim and they can say yes or no. And then what they'll do is, which is like, I don't think a lot of people are saying yes. Unless you pay them money. But then the idea is that you can base your new fake Asian face on their real Asian face. Wow. Yeah. It's a lot of work. They should do that. Z should do that.

Who? The emperor over there. That way, if they want to assassinate him, they kill the wrong person. Well, that's why. I mean, remember Saddam Hussein used to have all his doubles. Yeah, because he looked like a lot of people looked like Saddam Hussein. He did, but he had a lot of doubles. It was kind of fun. You shoot a double. That's kind of also be fun to be dressing up as a dictator double for the day. But they're obviously very dangerous because people try to kill you. This also brought up the concept of the old actor Iron Eyes Cody.

Who's that? No. Do you remember the commercial from when we were, it's even before when we were kids, where he, it was a Native American and you watch him cry because we were polluting. He's Sicilian. But he lives his life. Now that you say it, he looks very Sicilian. He went by the name Iron Eyes Cody. He was born Espera Oscar de Corti.

from Sicily. He did a lot of Native American chants for various albums. He was an actor. Yes, he was in the Keep America Beautiful public service campaign. He was the crying Indian. And yeah, he is very, very Sicilian. But he took it. His role is Iron Eyes Cody all the way into himself. So he would tell people straight up that he was Native American. He claimed several different

tribes. He married a Native American woman. Nice. He got in there and he tried to, you know, like he was like Bob Hope's movie Pale Face. Oh yeah. They don't say that anymore. It's a whole movie called that. Although the non-Native Republic who knew him from the movies and television thought of Cody as a Native American, they basically they didn't know until 1996.

Wow. New Orleans. They basically showed that he was Italian. Yeah. He said his father was Cherokee and his mother was Cree. They always say that. And they're not. But he was a successful actor. And sometimes it's all about how you act. Isn't it? You know, because it showed he fooled Bob Hope. Yeah. And if anybody can fool Bob Hope. I know. It's every other person. He showed the white people how to grow spaghetti.

Oh. Put Semolina on the ground. This is a... And again, that's an old joke. But yeah, this is... There's a lot of pushback. It seems that people are saying, and if I'm hearing them correctly, they don't want you just changing your race. And people get mad about it. What if you changed it to white? I haven't seen it. Oh, Michael Jackson. Well...

unique case yeah and i feel that michael jackson he also had was it vertiglio he had the the skin disorder i mean who knows what he really had i think that he had um cuckoo bananas ding dong sucky sucky kids dick syndrome um which i really hope there was more research going towards cuckoo bananas sucky sucky kid dick syndrome because it seems to really be prevalent in the entertainment

business. We got to get a look at it. So this is just some of my updates. Oh yeah, and the adult baby diaper people, I want to say thank you so much for the reasonable emails I got from the babies. They said, which it is interesting, apparently it is considered, I'm going to use the word gauche,

to shit your diaper. You could pee-pee your diaper, but it must be immediately cleansed. They find that people that mess their diaper, that's the term that they use, like, you know, in their baby play, are not in it for the right reasons. Okay. They're in there for poo-poo reasons, poo-poo cuckoo reasons, but they try to keep it separate a lot of times, but most of the time, they keep in it to yellow. Yeah, but what I heard was if they want to...

They want to feel the poo-poo and not poo-poo. They fill the diaper full of oatmeal. Is that real? That's in the emails. What? Yeah. They put oatmeal in their pants. They put oatmeal in their pants? Which sucks because I fucking love oatmeal now. He loves oatmeal. I fucking love oatmeal. Yeah, I mean, that's where it's been. And now I'm thinking about caca every time I eat oatmeal and how this feels like caca. You don't have to. But now it's in my head. Well, just know that it fills the diaper of very traumatized people. Hmm.

You know, and just allow that to wash over you each time. Are they traumatized, though? Seems like their fucking, their lives are great. No, no. A lot of people that are entering into, you don't become an adult baby necessarily because things are all jazzy. But you also, there are a lot of people talking about how it's just a nice escape from a high stress lifestyle. I could only imagine.

You know, people get it. But they said that you'd be also surprised how little the diapers crinkle these days. They're making them non-crinkly, making them super smooth. That's because they know people like you are going to blow up their spot. I'm not going to blow up their spot. I'm just going to say, hey, I see the poo-poo diaper you got on here. But it's more like someone left a baby diaper in one of our bathrooms and it...

Fucking It smelled like me Was in there In here? No In my home At your home Someone left a baby diaper Yeah And it was just like That shit fucking stinks dude Babies shouldn't smell like that man Yeah I didn't know that they do It smelled like Diapers have their own trash can usually Yeah It smelled like Barney From the Simpsons Took a shit Yeah

like it's crazy what babies do man i guess it's all milk yeah i know my shit was definitely way more fucking cryptic when i was hardline and milk but i'm an adult and i choose that hell yeah man yeah fuck yeah dude i think it's okay if you want to be in a diaper around me being a diaper i think it's great he's open you know i've never i don't think i've ever looked in anyone's eyes mid stream what do you mean like mid piss

Yeah, I don't think I have. I'm always standing next to people. I never like locked eyes with someone while... Because it's extremely aggressive. It is. You cannot be staring at somebody's face while you're at the urinal. Eyes on the road. It's like with animals. It's fighting or fucking. Yeah. So they say if you look at a dog longer than six seconds, you're either fighting or fucking. Mm.

That makes sense. Yeah, like, because you make them feel, well, I don't know if it's always with the dog. But it was definitely with people. But the dog doesn't think you're going to fuck them. You're creating a bond with the dog. Rambo loves eye contact. Of course. Dogs love looking. Yeah. They love, love looking. And they love looking. I give him his eye contact. I fucking love my boy. Yes, you should. Fly from your grave.

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Hey, listeners, love this pod and want even more? You can be the first to unlock exclusive bonus content, early access, and ad-free listening to the latest podcasts from your favorite shows. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast Plus on our Apple Podcast Show page or the SiriusXM app now. All right, so let's get some news. What do we want to start with here today? We got a lot of show. How about some follow-ups? Yeah, let's do it.

Oh, yeah, this other one. Oh, this is not a good story. Since we're leading in, I feel like this is... We already are here. It's a segment. Yeah, we already are here. So we had a bunch of other bestiality stories that we had to cut. Yeah, we cut some for you guys because we know it's upsetting. People get mad. But there was a couple in Fort Lauderdale that had a throuple with their dog, and, you know, they're in jail. Don't worry. Can you imagine what the text must have been like on that chain? Difficult. Just being like, I need more space. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.

Unbelievable. How am I supposed to talk with you, Ping Pong, unless you use your words? Does this dog get adopted from the shelter? I think that if that dog's been the center of a love triangle, I don't know. Yeah. It's going to be hard bringing it back.

Actually, that's a good question. Side stories, LPOTL at gmail.com are dogs from the, the, the crimes that suffer the crimes of bestiality. Can you just pop that back with a family or is it going to start sucking father's penis? Now this guy, this is a guy that we cover. This is an update. Okay. This isn't a new dog. This isn't new. So we're not adding to the pile. Um, this, this is, uh, it's still a troubling story. We covered this over the summer. This was a Penn state professor by the name of, uh, tennis Matsukas. Um,

I don't think is related to Jason Matsoukas, but I'd love to find out. He was a Penn State professor. Now, he, the New York Post is calling this a sickening bestiality case, but I'll tell you what, I've seen worse, sadly. But this is what he did, essentially, was that he would go on these trails, and he

He, I guess, would film himself using trail cams that were just around. Like, I guess they could see it. They literally were from the ranger service watching the trails for safety and for animal control. And he would go up to these cameras. And often he would masturbate and do a bunch of stuff. But they say the main thing that was like, why go to the woods?

To go away from fucking everybody or like you want some peace to jerk off and fuck a dog. I'll explain. Why do it in front of a trail camera? First of all, how dare you accuse him of fucking a dog? Because he didn't do that. Okay. What he would do is he would wear a mask and a shirt, no pants, no underwear and shoes. He'd get down on all fours. He'd put peanut butter on his butthole and he'd let the dog lick his butthole. Okay. And Eddie, this is also what you don't understand. What class did he teach? Much like I think he... Hopefully not veterinary medicine. Ha ha ha.

He knows him best. You're saying, oh, why go to the woods? Why do that? And it was because according to his statement to the police, he did this to blow off steam. So now what we know, he got a steamer. He could do. But now they found additional footage where they have now seen him. He was like, he rubbed his dick on a gazebo, which is a

like one of the biggest park crimes with murder. I mean, yeah. He put a Tootsie Pop up his butthole. They saw that on camera. Great, great advertisement. That actually might be allowed. Again, it's your home. How many fucks did it take to get to the middle? Ha ha ha.

This guy, that owl's like, that's not how you eat it. That's just because that owl hasn't been around. Go to more woods in Amsterdam.

He does it like that. This guy, Mr. Matsukas, the worst one of these, it seems, is that there was a Forest Service's John Deere crawler that was out and it was on camera and they watched him crawl up into it and then stick his butthole on the control stick. And it's just like, what a, you know, because that's my thing. You're going to use the forest to masturbate in like you're Winnie the pervert, right? We are going to do that.

Why then insult the very people that are there to... They're trying to... Put a condom on it. Put a condom on the stick shift. That's not the problem. I mean, at least... That's not the problem. It's a level of protection. No, absolutely not. No. No, you just...

You leave the equipment alone. I mean, definitely. Leave the gazebo alone. And you obviously leave the dog alone. But I actually had several, I was reading through the Reddit comments and there was one person being like, I met this man several times while he was hiking through these. Very strange man. I've met this dog. His name is Ace. He's a collie mix and he's got one eye. Maybe that's what face towards the butthole. But yeah, I mean. Collies are attractive. Sit in the silence.

I don't think any dog is not attractive. Is there shit in my asshole, Lassie? Oh, see, Lassie's found that I left my butt plug.

Oh, good work, Lassie. All right, now we'll teach you how to suck dick. Everyone stop listening. Yeah, I mean, no, this is what they're here for. And so his crimes have been updated and he is going to continue to not do well. Yeah. I think as a man. Still not the worst...

teacher in Penn State history. Yeah, he's still literally still number two worst teacher. He will not make it. Oh God, I was so, and I'm just going to read his quote to the police again because it was just so much fun. I just love this. I'm done. I'm dead. You don't understand. I do it to blow off steam.

What do I have to do to get you to shoot me? I need to die. Wow. He is correct. He is not. Oh, man. It's him and Jeffrey, too, but they're going to be the only people eating lunch together. Now, what's his punishment for this? I think that he has to go work at a cat shelter. What?

I don't know. I don't know what is punished. He will go to jail. You think so? Like how long? Like five months tops, right? I hope as long as they can. I think it'd be good for him. I think he needs some time away. Is he married?

Let me look it up. They might be. A lot of these guys are. That's the worst. Because you know what it is? It's not like, I love my wife. Again, of course, yeah, this is not connected to the bestiality. I love my wife. And I, just that idea of it, like, you need to get away from your family so much that you have to have a dog lick your asshole. In the woods. In the woods. That I just, I just, you know where I probably go more towards?

Get a cool car. Yeah. You know, I think that's where I'd shoot. Fuck that stick shift. It's my car. Again, if it's my car, especially if I'm not leasing it.

Oh my god. Imagine if it went in reverse and then getting you in an accident. What that would do to you? That would be the... I mean, technically, as we're here. Okay, here he says, alright, T. Miss Matsuka's wife aged a dog. We know. We've met the dog. Yeah. Is she aged in dog years? Oh my god. Oh no. Sadly, he's single. Oh. Well, hey. You can fix him. You can fix him, guys. Ha ha ha ha.

He's long remained private about his personal affairs. We do know. Oh, wait. Oh, he is married.

He is married. Holy shit. Yeah, buddy. Yeah, I thought so. Wow, man. Yeah, we can leave her name out of it. You can search for it if you want to. Yeah, I'm going to leave her name out of it. She's already experienced enough. Yeah, she's gone through enough. Yeah, wow. I just don't get why married guys, dudes, aren't you tired? Yeah. Like, you know, I'm a new meds. I get tired. I mostly just like hanging out. I haven't lost the horny in this bit.

But I focus it on the wife. Yeah. And she gets out of it. But I also can cut the idea of like, I don't know, like your marriage is so bad. This is what you got to do. There's so many ways to fix it. I would never have sex with Tootsie because she was my mother's dog. Yeah. It feels right. Wow. This is, we really have,

I got some bad dog news, man. Oh, great. You ready for this? Yeah, sure. Fucking, this is also an update from Side Stories. Okay. Bobi the dog, the world's oldest dog. Yes, I remember Bobi. Guinness Book of World Records. Yes, I remember Bobi. Guinness Book of World Records has stripped Bobi posthumously. Is that how you say that word? Posthumously. Posthumously of its title. Guinness said that it could not confirm that Bobi really lived to the age of 31. Ha ha.

Why are they doubting it? I don't know. It's so crazy. It's a Portuguese farm dog. It had the title of 31 years old. People were talking about it before it died and then it passed away.

Said to have been born on May 11th, 1992 and died last October. Whoa. Well, they started an investigation in October of 2023. Yeah. Because I guess there was the address, veterinarian questions, concerns over lack of evidence really available to the public. It's a fucking farm dog of 31 years. You think they don't got papers? I mean, but if you want...

to get the Guinness World Records of oldest dog, then you better have all the papers. In January 2024, it was officially suspended. This is old news. They have now, they straight up, this is the end of a new investigation. They went in, they tore this open. They're saying that this family was lying.

I don't know why. Or the vet was lying? I guess basically... Well, it was a kid that grew up with him and now he's a man. Yeah, well, it turns out that that kid was always wrong. Maybe that guy doesn't know. Maybe that child isn't all old. They are really. I think these drunks over at Guinness have gone too far. I just wonder whether or not... What do they bet? Quibono. Who benefits from lying about Bobby

The dog's age. The veterinarian. The veterinarian, yes. That's who benefits. But they said they didn't really take him to the vet that much. Of course not. But then the vet is the one that's saying we were the ones that adjudicated his actual age. The owner stated that Bobby was in reasonably good health. Yeah. Although he had troubles with walking, eyesight, and breathing.

Yeah, I mean, look at it. He looks old, man. That's an old-ass dog. That's a lot of the dog. You know, the walking and the seeing and the breathing of it. It might as well just been like, you know, once you get rid of the bark, that's a rug. Imagine, like, working at Guinness, and then, like, your boss is like, listen, I really need you to get this dead dog out of the book of records right now. I am sick of this fucking dog. Every day I wake up. Wake up! You get a fucking call at 4 o'clock in the morning. Wake the fuck up. Bobi's a liar. Yeah.

I know Bobi's a liar. Who's mad that Bobi probably tasted better than their flat-ass beer? That's right. I said it. Wow. Are they a sponsor? Is Guinness a sponsor? No, I wish. Rob, no? I wish, though. No, we do wish them. Fuck you. You come for Bobi, you come for me. No, Guinness, please. Please sponsor us. Guinness beer. Looks like hemorrhoid diarrhea made by rapists. I like the Guinness beer, honestly. It smells like all their mother's cocks. It's also a nice change of pace.

from a cerveza. Venice is delicious. You can go fuck yourself if you're coming for Bobby. I love Guinness, but also Bobby. I love Bobby way more than I love Guinness. I think Bobby's a liar. Bobby's the tan and black and tan. I think Bobby's being like Terry Hatcher who lied about her age famously. Really? I believe so.

There's a lot of actresses who glide. Oh, you know who it is? Jessica Chastain. Oh, really? They've said that Jessica, there's a lot of... She's beautiful. She's absolutely gorgeous. That's also a part of like...

She looks like my wife, which is nice for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crack a racket. But like, they got, she, Jessica Chastain has said she doesn't talk about her age because it doesn't, it won't affect her roles. But they said that she won't say her age. So they say that she'd kind of be between 10 and 20 years old. Not 20 years. I know she's older than me. Sure.

Yeah. There are a lot of people older than you. At least, you know. But not as beautiful as Jessica Chastain. I don't think so. I don't think so. But yeah, so yeah, that's been fucking completely torn apart. Fuck you, Guinness. So we'll see. I want to know, honestly...

before I say fuck you to Guinness, I'd like to get some transparency on the investigation and how we know. Yeah. I'd love to know how we know. And they're saying that they were investigating because it wasn't even transparent, but how the veterinarian and the family knew how old Bobby was. Also, I'd be interested to know the ostrich's health, you know, in the famous Guinness advertisement with the ostrich has the glass, the pint glass in its throat. What? Is that ostrich alive? No way.

It's got to have been dead. Yeah. They're killing ostriches. Well, I think that ostrich died, but then they did monetize it. Ostrich, pine glass. It's a drawing. It's probably not real. Yeah, it is not real. No, no, no. That is just, it's just fun. Yeah. You know, it was a Guinness thing and it was more about stealing Guinness, it seems to be, from the man. Fucking beers full of rats. But I love Guinness and I can't wait to go to Ireland.

All right, let's go to this next story. You know, I love it. There's a lot of good stories today. This was the, this guy, we've covered a lot of different versions of insurance fraud. Okay. And some are better than others. I'm going to tell you right now, if you're currently planning an insurance fraud, Keister caper. Yeah. I want to, I'm going to put this into your head. It's a lot more difficult than you think it is.

There's a lot more work that goes on because these insurance companies don't want to pay you money even when it's legit.

They can't wait for you to be dead. They're crooks. So the idea that you think it's easy to scam them. No, no, no, no, no. Especially if they do pay out because then they don't, they truly don't stop investigating. No, they come and look around. They come and check back up to see whether or not you still got that back brace on. They send private investigators. They're everywhere. And they pay for that money with the money you give them to fucking give you insurance. It's awesome.

In a way, I understand it in that way. It does much be fun for them. Yeah. Because when I have a network of spies, it's fun. But this guy, he was really fucking stupid. Willow Springs man, staged farm accident, paid someone to cut off his feet. Yeah. Now, that's got to be, how much you pay on somebody? To cut off my feet? Let's say you want to run an insurance game. I think it's important to say that he was already paralyzed.

Oh, so you're just saying he was easy to catch? Well, no. Not that he didn't need his feet. His feet were optional. He couldn't walk. But I'm still saying, how much would you charge? Let's say you're going to run an insurance scam. Say a farming accident is going to hurt you, but you're going to have somebody cut off your feet. You're going to probably get paid out a million dollars. How much of that?

Would you pay for someone to cut off the fee? I think I would have to spend some good money on it. I'm looking at 25 grand. I was going to say 100. Let them negotiate, friend. Yeah. You're going to come in lower. I mean, no. You're going to come in higher and make sure this shit's done right. You're going to come in lower because- Hire a doctor. You can just always find a dumber guy.

I know. You can always find a stupider person. I know. That's how you get caught. But the thing is, then you got to whack that guy. If this guy would have spent some fucking money, he wouldn't have hired some random dude from Florida. No, you have to know your guy. And if you don't know your guy, you just, but then I say, I mean, you got to whack them technically.

In Torrey Thompson's 20 years of law enforcement, the Howell County Sheriff's Office lieutenant has examined his share of bizarre incidents. This comes from the Springfield News Leader by Ryan Collingwood. Are they the news leader? I don't know. Of Springfield Moncalonca? This is in the Ozarks. Yeah. Now, when this guy came in, he said that I had this bloody farm equipment accident.

It was a super strange case, and the details made it really weird. So the Howell County Sheriff's Office had sent out this sort of weird press release to local media about a situation involving a man in Willow Springs. Now, he said that he had lost his feet. What he called, what they said was a stage incident.

Yeah. It was like a brush hog. Which sounds like something I just want to do. Yes. I want to eat one. I want to brush one too. I like, I'll keep them pretty. What's a brush hog? Things taste better when they are loved. I agree. Absolutely. A rotary mower. Always kiss it. It's a little rotary mower. Right. Attached to a tractor. Can we see a picture of it, Rob? A brush hog mower. I'm looking at it now. It's a lawnmower. Yeah. It's just a regular lawnmower. It's basically just a lawnmower. Um.

and he said that his feet were, you know, they were lost, quote-unquote, and the severed feet could not be found. And so then they went and they changed the, they closed the case because they realized straight up it was a very, very poorly, poorly executed plan. Yeah, because the feet were cut smooth off, and if it was a brush hog, the cop was like, it would have been a mess. I've seen it. Now, immediately, not only were they freshly cut,

They were, yes, it was definitely done in a controlled manner, and they immediately were, they were bandaged already. Yeah. They showed up with two perfectly prepared stumps, and it was just been like, you wouldn't believe the afternoon I've had, officer. Yeah, it was bandaged, and they had tourniquets on them already. Yes. Yeah. But why not, if you can't feel your legs...

Why not just do it with the fucking lawnmower? I think it's because you're looking for somebody to eyeball it for you, keeping it even. And because you don't want one longer than the other. Also. Measures twice, cut once. You could just do it with one fucking. You really could have. Maybe you don't get as big of a payout. Yeah. I bet you don't get as big of a payout. I bet you need to lose both. But I also, maybe you're straight up beating up the fucking guts.

I mean, this guy had a hard life. He's already a paralyzed farmer. Yeah, I mean, it's not getting easier. So he just did this unnamed man from Florida, probably somebody we knew. He made the trip to this small Ozarks town to cut the man's legs off with a hatchet. I guess it was all about him getting paid off. And the wounds were not convincing. The cuts, because what you're saying is, is that you're saying that you lost your feet and your feet were destroyed by a threshing machine. So essentially...

you should have spaghetti for legs. Yeah. Like that should not be, it should not be clean cut. Yeah. Just skin and bones hanging down. I bet you that he lined up the bush hog and he was going to stick his feet into the bush hog. And he was like, Hmm.

No, thank you. I bet you there was like a moment in time. Maybe I'll do it because you know what you could do? If he was paralyzed, he's not feeling it anyway. Yeah. But I bet you could get sucked into that thing. You think so? Yeah. I bet you you could get like even worse. Like I can't. I don't think you could control.

a giant threshing machine to just get your feet. Do you think they threw blood at the machine, at the bush hog? If they have proper people, set deck, if they have good special effects people. If they show up and the thing's just clean, that's also another problem. But then they can be like, we washed it off because the dogs were getting at it.

That's what I would say. Before we came to the hospital. Yeah, because the dog was all licking him on free blood. You know, wherever your whole horse gets a taste of human blood, she won't get up off that, Diane. You know what I mean? You have to make sure you keep these separate. So they could have been licking at it, and then they didn't want all of their wonderful dogs to become cannibals. Yeah. But yeah, they said here they found them in a bucket. The feet? Yeah, they found them in a bucket, and then they knew for a fact they were cut off by a hatchet.

You know, buckets are, you know, great. I also think about the feet. Is that like you throw that feet into a gut and you get rid of the feet? Yeah. You get rid of the feet. If you're going to do the insurance scam, you can say your feet were turned into ceviche by a fucking rotary machine. Yeah. Then you should get rid of the feet.

And I think we're not trying to help you commit insurance fraud. I'm just saying do a better job. Do a better job. Just think more. All right. Do better. Be better. Think about your fucking responsibility. Is this the opposite of kicking the bucket?

The kick is in the bucket.

Alright, you have more heartbreaking news. This is a sad week. It is a very sad week. We have a lot of sad news this week. This one hits me close. I know it does because this meant a lot to you and a lot to us. Kanawas City, West Virginia holds a candlelight vigil for Hooters that was torn down on February 26th. Can we play in the arms of the angel with Sarah McLachlan? Yeah. Is there a way to really kind of feel what this is like? Because I don't know if you guys understand

what it means for a community to lose their church. Yeah. And in West Virginia, there really isn't much to do other than go to Hooters. And hear fracking. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And you set your faucet water on. Yeah. The former restaurant is going to be turned into a Sheetz gas station. I... Which, just like last week... I love Sheetz. Sheetz. Sheetz.

Have you ever been to a Sheetz? No. It's wonderful. Are they good? Yeah, I love Sheetz. They better be if they're taking over a Hooters. But these people, every day, I don't know if you understand what it's like. You get up from your job that has been replaced by some green technology. Yeah. You know, you can't work anymore because there's too busy flying cars, hanging out. You know how it is in these places, just riddled with work these people can't do. Mm-hmm.

And they can't, you know, they're not, plutonium mining hasn't come into fashion yet. And you haven't yet, you know, really began what you're going to have to do to...

cover up all the horrible things that fracking is going to open up, how it's going to open up the very streets that you live in and your little towns are going to slide into the magma that lies at the very center of the planet Earth. We actually don't even know. Do you know the planet Earth is getting bigger? Is it really? Dude. The land or just the atmosphere? This is one of my new favorite conspiracy theories. Was it because the ice caps are melting? Nobody knows.

The earth itself is growing itself larger. Really? Do you know Ireland gets smaller every year because of the ice caps? I don't believe that. They lose like an inch every year. All they do is want attention.

Is that what you think? That's all they fucking want. I think they really want to be left alone. No, the Earth is not getting bigger. No, that's what the fucking stupid mainstream media wants you to think. That it's not getting bigger. But as a matter of fact, I know for a fact that it is getting fucking bigger. How would it get bigger? Because the magma and stuff inside of the Earth is being made by it.

It's growing itself bigger. Pangea makes no sense, dog. What do you mean it makes no sense? They line up! They line up! No, if you look, but that's again, too much sense almost. All right, here we go.

Why do I find limestone that only forms in shallow seas? Ah, yes, the first hurdle, thank you, with extinct ocean fossils at 3,000 meters above sea level. As you realize, they are not oceanic fossils, but shallow seas fossils. So the idea is that the oceans were never fucking that deep, dog. They were always shallow, and they got deeper over time. Henry, a Hooters in West Virginia has closed. I know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

This is what happens down you see right about how trauma leads to conspiracy theories. All right, continue. Some of the people said, some of the quotes from people. Can we get the song, please? There was a Facebook event for the candlelight vigil at the Hooters. It said, it's official. We have...

All in one shape or form, been holding onto a pure hope that someone would purchase this closed building down that once was the almighty Hooters, spelled properly, and reopen it. It was like capital H, capital O-O.

Little T-E-R-S. What are these people going to do? Bring your candles and signs. Let's let Hooters and the city know we will miss it tremendously. We will have chicken wings and the traditional Hooters sauce on site. And a limited amount

Of the goat sandwich, the strip cheese will be available. Strip cheese is a bunch of chicken fingers on Texas toast. I used to have to make them all the time. People love them. People love that sandwich. This is needed. My heart will never be okay, another person said. No, they won't be. I'm going to get a strip cheese one last time, dog. Another road. I can hear their pain. We'll be having a candlelit memorial for all the memories made.

Those most can't be remembered in that building. Because of the alcohol. Yeah. Please bring your own candle. Them shits is expensive. Yeah, yeah. Them shits is expensive is what they said about the candles. This isn't it, bro. I mean, like. Where are all those girls going to go? I guess they're going to be shipped back to Hungary. Yeah, to the mines. Well, they're all college students usually. In 2016, there were 430 Hooters locations. Now there's just 300. That is just. Where have we gone wrong?

Do you believe that? Where's our country headed towards? Yeah. How are we going to get our light, sexual, chicken wing meal if Hooters is gone? I guess Twin Peaks. What state do you think has the most Hooters? Florida. Number two. They have 49 Hooters in Florida. Really? Which is...

It's aggravating because it's an odd amount. Yes. Texas is 55. Wow. I think it's because it's a bigger state. It is a bigger state. Per capita, Florida has the most. I was right. It was, you know, where there was... Clearwater. Clearwater, your hometown. My second hometown. Your second hometown. Yeah. You know, I go past that Hooters all the time. Yeah, the Six Men. Yes. They opened it up, man. They did, and they had no business running a restaurant, but they knew...

People wanted boobs. Yeah. I worked at Hooters for three years. Don't they have a new one now that's all butts?

Isn't there one that's called like, it's called like Apple Bottoms or like, or like Mr. Mr. Bungles floppy pancakes. I know there's Twin Peaks and the Tilted Kilt. Well, yeah, Twin Peaks, which I was already lied to about. There's Tallywhackers. Well, because I thought it was a David Lynch themed bar in a window and it was just breasts. I thought he'd love it. Tallywhackers. I don't know if Tallywhackers is even around anymore. That's the male Hooters. Oh, okay. That's kind of cool.

But, you know, no one wants... It's so easy to see a penis. Yeah, it is. Penises are so easy. We don't need a restaurant for dicks. All right, here we go. So observing, take it back here. The Earth is growing. 200 million years ago, Earth was a tad bigger than the planet Mars, explaining everything, including the mass and size of dinosaurs and other life forms, as well as the fact that there is one square foot of deep oceanic basaltic, older than 200 million years old, while continental plate happens to be

billions of years old. So observing this growing earth and remembering that 200 million years ago, there were no mountains. How do we get our limestone granite mountains then? All right. It's a rather easy answer as the earth grows exponentially faster as time goes by the many miles thick, 30 miles thick granitic rock, the outer crust cracked into pieces, continent and spread apart as the cracks filled in from the bottom.

So the surface broke open and then water and magma came from... They're saying... Mountains are created by the Earth getting smaller. They're two plates pushing together. They're not getting smaller. And they grow and they go up. It's getting bigger. It's two plates pushing together. It's getting bigger. It's getting smaller. It's getting bigger from the middle out.

From the middle out? Yeah. It's getting fatter. No mountains are not the result of continents crashing into each other. They have an answer for this. Tectonic plates! If you thought so, ever, you would have to find continents that crash into North and South America to make the Rockies and the Andes. Those aren't! It's that! It's the land!

I have this. I have a document here. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Who's it from? It's on YouTube. It's a document on YouTube? It's a comment. It's a document on YouTube. It's the longest comment. That's not. Come on. That is a research paper. If you could see. That is. Look at this. The expanding Earth theory or growing Earth hypothesis argues that the position and relative movement of continents is due or at least partially to the volume of Earth increasing.

Conversely, geophysical global cooling was the hypothesis that various features could be explained by Earth contracting. See, we're actually not getting hotter, we're getting colder.

I just, there's so much Hooters news. You know what I did yesterday is that, you know, I read all this and I was like, this actually really inspires me. And I took a bunch of plastic bottles and a bunch of hairspray cans. I just said, I'm on fire in the front yard. Yeah. Just to kind of see the purple fumes go. Just because I know we ain't doing jack shit. Well, they only pick up the trash once a week. Sometimes you got to burn it. That's all I do. It's one of my favorite things. Um,

You own property. You are allowed to burn trash. I wish I... Honestly, I thought about it. Don't burn trash, by the way. I'm not burning trash. All of this is fake. But...

But look into the expanding Earth theory. This is my new, this is the new, this is the new realness. This is better than hollow Earth. Hollow Earth's now like in movies and stuff and they're talking about it. Someone had to put another hole in the equator. This guy is just so convinced. There is this guy, I watched a series of videos explaining this engorging Earth.

scenario. Like this idea that water and magma just come from the center of the planet and make it bigger. Where do you get the time? All day. Are you talking about me or are you talking about the person? What do you mean? To learn about this stupid, mindless bullshit. It's called a job, friend. This is my job. To learn about this? Yeah. Oh yeah. You know what I can't, I still can't tell you the specific day of my niece's birthday. She's 18 years old. But I can talk about this

all day this is a very interesting because you know it's again it's not interesting but it's it's not compelling but i like it you know it was because look at that do you see right there you see the vom varkenschein urge ball you see that diagram yeah see how much bigger the earth is those fuckers don't know shit you see the plants of planets all the continents fit together exactly neatly in order for the so where the oceans come from of all the planets fit together neatly

What do you mean? Where did the ocean come from? If the ocean's between all of these continents. The ocean was there first. I'm guessing. Only if you're fucking whatever. You know whose birthday was October 4th, 1983?

Do you know whose birthday it was? Why? I'm just asking. Do you know whose birthday it was? October 4th, 1983. No. It's Hooters. Wow. Yeah. Clearwater, Florida. I mean, that's right. Born in the same town as your niece. This is the problem. Without Hooters, you don't think that conspiracy theories like this aren't going to flourish? Yeah. You don't think that without the actual sitting and the commiserating amongst other men and wives that are sort of forced to be there?

That like, you could go and you, you know, like that idea of having a bunch of like lukewarm BLs where you're eating a bunch of kind of like, I like a Hooters chicken wing. I got no problems with the Hooters chicken wing. I don't like the breaded ones. I like the. I like the normal ones. The Daytona ones, man. Yeah, I like those. You know, and I've never had the, what was it? The slider sandwich.

Oh, the strip sandwich? The strip sandwich. I never had that sandwich. It's good as fuck. Because I normally stick to wings. I bet it is good. In Tallahassee, we say gooder than a bitch. Yes, it is gooder than a bitch. But I think that you guys can make this at home. Yeah, no, you totally can. So it's not about the sandwich. It's about, you know what they say. Will your wife wear the outfit at home? It's hard. Guess what? If you buy it and leave it out,

Sometimes magic happens. But you also got to get that extra strength. It wouldn't be good for me, though, because I don't fraternize with my coworkers. Because you work with Julie? No, because I worked at Hooters for so long. Yeah, yeah. You guys have to remember, Eddie was a chef at Hooters for a long time. Three years. That was really fun. It was a wonderful time in my life.

I can't believe you went through all this and you didn't even know the earth is getting bigger on its own. I know boobs are getting bigger. Well, that's the milk. And actually, apparently there's a lot of surgeries. Yeah, they help pay for it.

They pay for half. They do? Yeah. Really? They'll pay for half of you? I don't know. I don't know what it's going on nowadays. You're talking about Hooters. Hooters. We'll pay for your breast implants. Back then, we had a couple girls that just wouldn't. They'd be like, oh, where's so-and-so? And then they'd come back. Yeah, we're making them right. They'd come back two months later. No, it says here, no, Hooters does not pay for breast implants. Well, no.

I mean, I'm pretty sure that someone helped her pay for it. I'll tell you that much. Let's just say Hooters as an organization probably goes to being like, no, we don't do that. But there's probably a couple of managers out there. Yeah. They got scruples. Man, Hooters got scruples. They fired me for selling weed.

You know? Not to feel like that's the least of the scruples. I know. You were a chef, quote unquote. You were a cook at Hooters. You're supposed to sell weed when you're cooking Hooters. Yeah, how else are you bringing people in? Yeah. That's the side of it. I was good at that job. Yeah, you were. I was so good. I just fucking turned those wings out, bro. It was so good, dude. It really does. I miss, you know, let's make some wings. Let's do it this weekend. Mmm.

R.I.P. R.I.P. I'm sorry, West Virginia. You lost your Hooters. And what are you going to do? Just make a new Hooters. Get a Tallywhackers. No, don't get a Tallywhackers. Why not? Look at this. They made a rest in peace. Oh, yeah. With the two. Do you remember Hooters Airline? Yes. When they had their old airline for a while. All right. So this was Tallywhackers was just a one place. It was in Dallas. It was called Hooters, but with dudes. It was just guys. We're in really last like a week.

This is the thing about, again, with, I just feel like penis is a commodity that nobody really cares about. Especially when it comes to food. Yeah, when it comes, like, there's some about, like, because it's not like the women were, like, nude, because they had clothes on and they had short shorts on. Yeah. But, like, these guys, I could, I'm looking at pictures of the guys from Tallywhackers, and this is inappropriate. Yeah.

I don't like any of this. And all I'm seeing here is mound. Yeah. Like, you know, and this is not what I've come to. I don't want this for my eating establishment. I also feel like there's a lot of people that would like to see it. I don't mind seeing dick. You know what's funny is that I'd rather see open dick. You think so? Yeah. I think Tallywhackers is my favorite name for penis. It's a great name. Especially for a restaurant. Yeah. Especially for a place where you could see a lot of dick. Yeah. They closed the Hooters by...

By the movie theater out here. That's sad. That's really sad. Wow, they did. Yeah. I used to go there all the time and have sad beers. All right. We got anything else? Got something coming from your world? I got... We caught all the bestiality stories. We did. We did. Oh, yeah. If you live in the northeastern United States and you had diarrhea this week, you're not alone. There is a...

The CDC is like reported like it's a wave of liquid poo poo is coming. And you guys, you know, for you, they just like wash your hands before you eat your lobster rolls. You should be, man. Yeah. I feel like, why did we not learn? We not learned our lesson last four years about washing our hands. 14% of all the tests came back positive for the norovirus. You guys got to be careful in New Jersey. The Irving primary school in Highland park.

They just shut it down. Oh, yeah. They just closed it. Just norovirus. I believe Cena's son just had norovirus. He just went through. It was intense. He was just like, he was shitting and puking. It ain't good, man. Yeah, it's not the stomach flu or stomach bug. You know, that's what people call it. It's a norovirus. And it's not food poisoning. It's norovirus. It's a virus. Yeah, it's a virus. But the school got a deep cleaning and has been reopened. Oh, wow.

Oh, yes. All right. I have a PSA. That's right. Now, I love our boots on the ground reporting. Okay. The people that are on, like, I love when you guys send me in and send me in these stories. And apparently this is a well-known character in the Melbourne area. Now, Canada, who brought us the guy that asked to eat people's shit.

is also bringing this guy, the Melbourne fake seizure guy. Okay. Now, there's an entire subreddit devoted... You say Canada or Australia? Australia. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, okay. I just want to make sure. It's the other... It's the other one. Yeah. So there's a place... Sorry, here we go. Fake seizure guy. A lot of people asking, what's this guy's deal? You know, this guy is a very intense-looking gentleman who...

who has been doing this, I guess, for the last decade in the Melbourne area in Australia, that he goes up to people and he says that he's about to have a seizure. And then what he'll do is lay on the ground. Do you remember Holden's Never Stop?

Yes. Where he just humped the ground. Or was it, everybody clap your hands. Clap your hands, yeah. Everybody clap your hands. And then he'd get on the ground and he'd hump the ground. Scream and hump the ground. And he sold it to Dan St. Germain for 50 bucks. $50. And now look at Dan St. Germain. He's everywhere. We love you, Dan. You're crushing it. So this guy, he came out. He, what he does...

is he tells you, I'm about to have a seizure, which a lot of people who say they have seizures, like you don't always, you don't announce it or it's like you get really overcome with it. And so what he'll do is lay on the ground and he goes up to young gentlemen and he says, pin me down. And then he has to be pinned down harder and harder. And then it seems to be as if he is then rubbing himself on the ground in a sexual manner. And he wants people to pin him down.

And so a lot of times he fakes having a fall Like he'll fall down And a lot of people, I'm seeing dozens of people Having interactions with him Saying that they'll call, like they'll want to call emergency services And then he's like, better But he wants a man to push him down on the ground And pin him With his whole fake body With his whole weight So if a woman tries to help him, he's just like, no No, get a man He does But he goes up to men

He goes up to men and he asked them and he goes, and it's a stuff being like, he'll like, he'll be like, Hey, I don't want to bum you out, but I'm about to have a seizure. And then he like, he goes down to the ground. He's like, the only way to fix it is if you press your dick into me, like straight up, like you're going to need to. So he says like, push, hold me down. Hold my,

arms tighter hold my wrists tighter one time he said like i want you to stick your feet up under my crotch and stable quote-unquote stabilize me yeah um you're not supposed to touch somebody if they're having a seizure you are absolutely not supposed to tell somebody they have a seizure yes and you're supposed to i guess like you can get stabbed yes and if you do know i mean they shouldn't have knives but you know if one's around you know if there's like a pair of scissors or a pen around

Oh yeah. You can get stabbed. But this is, it's really interesting. It's the way he, yeah, he kind of like walks around super weird and he drops to the ground. He falls in front of you.

So this is what he did. So this happens right here. A guy, some bloke walked past and he fell in front of me. I asked him if he was okay and he said yeah. Then he laid down on the ground and started shaking. He asked me if I could sit on him and restrain his arms. I told him I wasn't prepared to sit on him but I did hold his arms as did a couple of other people who were around. The whole situation at the time seemed a bit off and I was skeptical but held his arms by his sides until my train arrived at which point he just got up and left.

So this guy is a straight up old-fashioned weirdo. But he's been doing this for a decade. A decade? Oh, yeah. He's, like, used to this. How much trouble can you get in for this? I don't know. I don't think you can get in trouble for this technically. The Somerset Gitman in UK, he got in trouble because he was writhing right under the ground and causing people distress. And he was in a gimp outfit. He was in a gimp outfit, and he was doing overtly sexual things. Like, he was rubbing his dick in balls and going, like, I'm a comic book.

him, right? Like that's different. That's bad. That's obviously bad. But this guy, I think it's way more in a gray area where, but it's still, it is for certain. Yeah. Sexual in nature, whatever it is that he's doing. Yeah. But it's gray as in confusing and sad. Yes. I don't know if he, again, I'm asking for this. I was looking at all this stuff. Does he get hard? Does he come? Where's the reporting on this? Yeah. Does anyone check in his pants for come? Where is the fuck?

reporters on this. Yeah. Because I haven't seen one thing about him coming. Like he doesn't ejaculate. I've never heard him ejaculate or I've never heard him grinding erection. I've never seen those terms anywhere. Yeah. Cops, when you find guys riding around the ground, do you check their pants for cum? Sideshowreslpotl.gmail.com. How do you check if someone's cummed their pants? Yeah. And you know how I do it? Throw flour at them. See if it sticks. That's a good way to do it. It's the old Pillsbury Doughboy technique. Yeah.

which I learned being young man in show business. He got a friend of, and me a few days ago in Curtin street. This is in Carlton North. We were crossing the road and my mate yelled out. I turned to see a male early thirties lying on the footpath with one leg grotesquely bent. We rushed over to help him. But once up, he collapsed on the ground saying something about having spasms, but they would get better. And then he asked him for someone to push hard down on his shoulders and have someone to push hard down on his butt. And,

He was lying face down at one stage, pushed his arms up behind himself and asked me to lock his wrists tight and then demanded I do it tighter. My mate kept saying we need to get an ambulance and that he could not keep following the orders, which had become quite demanding. I ended up holding his arms. I had my knees across the backs of his knees, but eventually he stopped twitching and got up

shook both of our hands and took off down the street. So this guy is out there. You know, you got to take people's responses on the internet. Obviously with a grain of salt, you never know who is telling the truth, but you've had experience with the fake seizure, man. Side stories, LPOTL at gmail.com. I'd like to figure out. He has a very distinct face. He really does. It's real. He's an intense looking guy. Yeah. But I Easter Island head. He does. But I would just, I don't think he's all there.

I've got to figure out if there's a way to... Can we fix this man? Can he be rehabilitated? What are you, some fucking cute girl? Don't fix him. Okay? Leave him alone. I feel like... I believe in rehabilitation. I believe in fucking sending him to Tasmania. I think that... Then we're going to have to deal with him in Tasmania. I feel like there's a way to fix him.

I feel like there is a thing you could do, but I don't know what it is. I think it would require him to come to the table. So it depends on whether or not he thinks he has a fake seizure problem. And he's in Melbourne? He's in Melbourne, yeah. Oh, so maybe we should come to the show. Honestly, if you're in town, fake seizure guy, come by the show and we'll get you on the list. Yeah. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. No seizures during the show. Please.

And then he can go to Tootsie's favorite restaurant. Shakey's. Little Seizures. Little Seizures. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really funny old bit. Yeah, Tootsie, man. She started having seizures again. Poor girl. Yeah. Yeah, she's having some breakthroughs. We'll see what happens. We'll pump her a fuller more Keppra. Have you thought about pushing her butt down or pinning her with your body to the ground? She was dragging her butt a lot. And then we went and got her squoze. And she's all good now. I'm just saying that was more of a bet.

Oh, no. What happens is if she starts to cough, that leads to a seizure. So we've noticed that if she starts to cough, if we're like, Tootsie, Tootsie, hey, over here. She like stops sometimes. Yeah, it's weird. Like we like she like forgets that she's having a seizure. Sometimes family's all the medicine you need. Yeah. I know doctors like specifically told us not to do it, but we know it works.

They're like, leave Malone if she's going to have a seizure. And then we're like, but we... I'm telling you, she snaps out of it. I'm telling you, she snaps out of it. But it doesn't, like, push the seizure down. I don't... Good. Her seizures aren't that long. We're going to get so many emails from vets. They're very short. We're going to get... Well, honestly, Julie's father's a vet. Yes. So you guys know more. What did he say? He said, pump her full of drugs until she's dead.

That is all of our plan, isn't it? That's like all we can do. She's 16. God damn. You know, so it's just like, you know, whenever it happens, it happens. But she's coming for Bobby, man. Yeah, man. Fucking get him. Because now that Bobby's fucking not real. Well, now they're saying they need chips in them in order to be able to really track. But she doesn't have a chip.

But she has a birth certificate. Oh, wow. That's extremely cute. I don't have my birth certificate. I have no idea where the fuck it is. You have the dog's birth certificate. It's like the same thing. I went and got the fucking Wendy, her dentist appointment. I haven't gone in two years. Yeah. So I'm going tomorrow.

Spike is now 23 years old. He's from Ohio. I bet he goes to Julie's dad. Yeah, he's old as fuck. I love him. I'm always debating whether to plug his veterinary hospital or not, but I'm going to not do it. Yeah, I'd say wait. Yeah, I'm going to not do it. I don't think he needs my people going there. Who knows? He does well. Yeah, he's doing fine. Let's do some listener emails.

We've gotten a lot of emails about encounters with strange men. Now, I love this idea of men in black being operating and being around. I agree that there's a lot. I love meeting a high strangeness person. I do not know what it is. But you also got, I will put out there, sometimes people are just fucking weird. So who knows? A recent Side Stories episode brought to mind a strange encounter that happened to me a few years ago.

My girlfriend at the time and I had ordered some food for a pickup and we drove over to the restaurant. It being the early days of the pandemic and I had forgotten my mask, my girlfriend went inside to pick up our food while I waited outside. I stood on the sidewalk looking at my phone for a moment before I was approached by a man I didn't recognize. He was muttering to himself and moved his hand in such a way that suggested some mental illness afflicted him. He came up to me directly and after a bit of muttering, he asked if I had a cigarette.

Sorry, friend, I don't smoke, I told him, turning back to my phone. He muttered more, and he said, Your name is Brandon? This is in fact my name. I put my phone in my pocket and asked if we had met before, knowing the answer, but shocked into asking the question. Are you sure you don't have a cigarette?

was his only reply. When I again said no and asked how he knew my name, not aggressively, but with evident confusion, he started muttering some more and wandered away. I called after him a few times, repeating my question, but didn't pursue. I was standing still with shocked confusion as my girlfriend emerged with our food and we left. He was still just milling about as we pulled away and that was the last time I ever saw him. Now I'm a rather forgetful man when it comes to names and faces, but I know I've never met this man before and I would have known it was because of his facial deformity.

His forehead protruded out over his eyes about two inches in a way I've never seen before or since. He's got a frankincense face. Yeah. At the time, I anguished over this encounter, but he had no idea. It comes up back and forth. He doesn't know why, but it was, never know, it'll ever make sense. Sounds like some guy just overheard his girlfriend call him Brandon and try to get a cigarette. Honestly, I think that's quite possible. Or a psychic angel. He could have been Odin.

You never know. Always be nice to homeless people. You never know if it's Odin. Yeah. Any more emails? Yes. All right. Between the ages of 10 to 13, I lived in rural Kentucky in the foothills of one of the oldest mountain ranges on the planet. I'm sorry. I lived with my dad and my grams. No one lived across from us or behind us because of the foothills. Now, when I moved in, my grams had some rules I had to follow. At the time, I chalked them up to hillbilly stranger danger.

There were things like don't mess around with the wild animals, don't go out in the woods alone. Then they got a little weird. Don't whistle. If you hear your name, don't answer. Don't go to it. And if you see someone in the woods you might know, no you didn't. You just come on home. This experience happened in August when I was 11. My dad and I had mowed the path through the tall grass and berry bushes to the left of the double-wide we lived in. We camped out there a lot because it was close enough that we could check out all my grams.

My dad decided to go back up to the house about a quarter mile to get more beer and to check on Gramps. Before he left, he told me not to mess with the fire. After a few minutes of watching the fire, things started to get quiet. Like, real quiet. The wind had all but stopped. Bug and animal noises were all gone, and the stream sounded like it was miles away. I was getting uncomfortable, even though I'd been at the campground like this before many times. Then I started to smell and taste it. It was in the back of my throat out of nowhere. This awful metal tang.

After a few more moments of dread, my dad came back. He was mad right away, and he said that he could smell burning metal come up the trail. He accused me of tossing beer cans in the fire. He said there was a storm coming in, and we needed to get back home, and he let it go. We left the tent and started our way back. So it's pitch black, lightly raining. Other than the dim lights from the house windows, there's nothing.

The first clap of lightning hits. Everything is as bright as it can be. After the second passes, it's black as pitch again. Next clap of lightning. And that's when I kind of see it. On the porch, past the yard, over the stream, past the road, and the ditch on either side, just past the first line of trees, I could see the silhouette of it. Then it goes dark. This is also when I can start to taste the same awful burning metal. I'm not really sure what I saw, so I just kind of stay still.

It's a few moments before the lightning hits again. The figure is now closer, standing side by side to the trees. Then it's back again. I'm standing now, not sure what to do. This thing's head was in proportion to its body. The arms were too long and this torso didn't fit right. It just didn't look correct. Once the lightning hits again, this thing is standing in the middle of the road.

The next day we discovered the tent door was torn off. It didn't look like an animal. Things weren't cut or shredded, but looked like someone took and pulled it apart. My uncle, who lived a mile or so up, had all eight chickens killed. Head gone, no blood. Once I started dipping my toes into Reddit, that's where I realized there was a name for this fucking thing.

The Goatman of Kentucky. Now, the Goatman of Kentucky, I have heard a lot about. And I have a shirt that says the Goatman of Kentucky. And I love something like this. A big-headed, weird-ass creature. It's the Pope-like monster. Oh, it's got horns. Yeah, the Pope-like monster. We got to do him. I feel like we did the Pope-like monster as a part of one of our giant live shows at some point. We got to try to get back in there.

Because I love the Pope like monster. That's cool looking. Yeah, it's cool looking. Yeah, it's super creepy. It looks like it's got a deer face. It does. Kind of. I guess goats close to deer. It's got a glow. But it's like, a lot of times they're kind of nebulous. Yeah. They get a name and they kind of just keep it. So this has been this episode. Does he have hands or hooves? I think he's got like claws or some shit. Yeah. It changes. Why was there no blood?

Sucked it clean. Oh, really? Sucked it all out? Who knows? Well, guys, this has been Science Stories. We did it again. Go to patreon.com slash podcast on the left to watch all of this on video. You can see it. You can see me, Henry Burpin. All of it. Last podcast on the left, you can see the sweat that grows on me and how that should inspire you to work hard. You can go and look at the TikTok. It's at LP on the left. I don't know why you would.

People love it. People love the TikToks. They really, really do it. And they go to twitch.tv slash LPNTV. We're making a lot of bullshit there. I also want to put out there, I'm about to do our brand new Dune 2 review. I saw it last night. Dunecast, baby. Come back. Dune 2. I'm not fucking around. Was it good? It is legit. It is extremely good. We're going on Thursday. I can't wait. It'll be the second time I saw it. I want to say thank you over to Warner Brothers. I watched half of the first Dune today. For the people that let me, it's good.

It's fine. I'm up to the worm. You'll get there. We'll talk about it. I couldn't have been happier. LPN Deep Dives Dune is now on its own feed. So you can go and look up LPN Deep Dives Dune and we will go. You can hear me ramble about this from several years ago. Now I can't wait to talk about it because it's been

I think it's been four years since we made the series. So now it's like, wow. Yeah. Is that okay? Time has moved very fast. So I can't wait. So live, live knowing the future and what you have to do to follow that narrow line to take your family and all of the universe along the golden path. Cause you'll love the fact.

that you, yes, your holy war might have caused billions of dead worldwide, but finally you can distract people from their actual day-to-day grind and then you can laugh, knowing for a fact because, yes, you've taken the water of life. Yes, you now know that you are the fabled Maudib. You are the Quintac Hatterac. And yes, you know that part of the choices that you will need to take will make you a god emperor. You will have

to don the fashion body made of worms and you will have to be a living god in order to distract everybody but that's when you laugh your way to the bank and even though you will pass the buck to your son that is your choice and you pass the buck Paul he does not live up to his responsibilities man yeah you're gonna like it coming with you at your worms yep

I want to give a shout out to Daryl Cowishaw. Uh, who's a fan of the show and he passed away this, uh, February. Oh, that's really sad. He listens. He hit me up a bunch of times. He was so sweet. He would always say like how good I was doing on the show. And he loved all the shows at LPN. Uh, he was sick for a while and a big shout out, uh,

hail Daryl Kalashaw. His mom hit me up and let me know he passed. That's extremely sweet. It's very sweet. And I'm sorry that she, I'm sorry that he died. Hey, I'm sorry that he, uh, that he's, he's not with us anymore. We love him. We love his family. I hope you all are doing okay. And I'm sad. He'll never know if Anders Breivik is innocent or not. I wish that. And honestly, I hope that when he goes up there, when Anders Breivik's up in heaven, they can talk. Yeah. And you can find that out. Yes.

Hail Satan. Hail Daryl. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.

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