Side Stories: Pee Bono
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Yes, yes. It's time to record, Eddie. Oh, here's the time again? It's time to record the show there, Eddie. I'm so scared of all the stories. You don't got to be scared, Eddie. We're together. You and me together, we keep each other safe there, Eddie. People die in the stories. Yeah, they do, and they do deservedly. People hide their parents in the stories.

Yeah, they do. And sometimes a power needs to be killed and it needs to be hid. Somebody shot a seal. They've got to do it because sometimes a seal is bad. Oh, a guy lost his legs in a wood chipper. Yeah, he just run because he decided it wasn't working hard enough. Oh, God.

God, I'm so scared. Don't be. Everything that's supposed to happen will happen to you in spite. Yes. It does. And it's true. It's only things that are good to happen happen, Eddie. Oh, that's true. Everything's got a lesson to be learned. If it happens and you think it's bad, know that it is God's will and that's why it happened. It's a test and that you just failed the test.

by crying. That's right. If you don't like it, God will fuck you up. There's nothing we can do about that. Nothing we can do? Sorry. He made everything. She made everything. Thank you, Joan Osborne. Yeah, man. Fucking God's pussy. Yeah, God's pussy was nice. Oh my God, man. God's pussy was fucking crazy, dude. It's got a halo for a clit.

nummy numb. I want to eat God's pussy. God smells like a little Debbie. I was meaning to have a conversation with you about the algorithm and how we were supposed to be looking at what we talk about at the top of the show because of the algorithm. God's pussy smells like a Yankee candle. Welcome to Side Stories. I'm your host. I'm going to start calling them Christmas cookies. I'm your host, Henry Zebrowski, and I'm sitting here with

Ed Larson, what else does God's pussy smell like, Eddie? It's Christmas cookies. Yay. I'm glad it smells like something that you can only get once a year. Pumpkin spice. That's a different style altogether. Yes. How can we stop eating pumpkin after Thanksgiving? I want more at Christmas. You want more pumpkin? By the time we get to fucking Thanksgiving, I'm pumpkin out. More pumpkin for the pumpkin, if you know what I mean. No. No.

It's sex. Oh, you're trying to fuck a pumpkin. Why don't you fucking, honestly, stick to your hand. You're going to get better results. Well, we already've done this. Drill a hole in a pumpkin. Okay. No, we know. Everyone saw American Pie. But you have to wait.

Till it cools. Till it cools and gets softer. I agree. Yes. I agree, Eddie. And then you don't have to commentate because it's already filled with seed. See, this is great. See, and they wonder why we're getting shadow banned. But I say we're not getting shadow banned. We're getting... The band back together, man. They just don't get us, man. The algorithm doesn't get that what we're doing is the very, very peak of banter-based internet comedy. Caca. Poopy? Poopy?

God help us. Wow. We are fucked. We're fucked today. I wanted to start with a cold open on, have you heard about the new leak? The new leak? There's a new, the immaculate constellation UAP program. This actually just crossed my desk. Really? This just in this moment? Like as I was going through, like. Can I tell you something? Huh? You don't have a desk. You sit on a couch. Okay.

Eddie, you are revealing a bit too much to the audience about how the sausage is made. I'd like them to think I sit at a big desk and I have an in and out, you know, like those types of, they're like in tray and an out tray and they're big tubes where I put my jokes into the tubes and they get sucked up. Henry, may I please come in? No, I'm masturbating. Okay. It's for work. But immaculate consolation, I saw, I was like, I was going through like my notes and I'd forgotten.

There's a whole new whistleblower, a whole new UAP whistleblower scenario going on right now where apparently they have finally released the name of this so-called hidden UFO retrieval program that they've been, they've been like, I guess, hiding and it's called the Immaculate Constellation Program. Okay. And they have been saying, apparently this is, this is the new shit. There's, there's some proof. This is a report that came out. This is a whistleblower report.

It cites evidence, including allegations against UAP sightings collected by the Pentagon and intelligence documenting firsthand encounters with UAPs or UFOs that are kept in a very specific database. This is the database that has not been yet to be revealed. They said that they've been tracking UFO activity since before World War II. Where is the Immaculate Constellation? It's up, up, up.

America's ass. It's in the Pentagon. Oh, it's not in space. No, it's a program. Okay. It's just called a print, a program called immaculate constellation. It sounds too gaudy. They need to get rid of, that's a bad name. I honestly do think they do that to sell it to the evangelical generals. Whoa. I think that it's all like, that is where 40 chess is being played is inside this world. The report also said that it's described, it describes various UAPs in detail and

including one where orbs surrounded an F 22 and force it out of its patrol area. And one where the crew of a Navy aircraft saw an orange red sphere descend from a high altitude after which they described a sense of unease and feeling as if they had snapped out of a trance. So this, again, the Pentagon is saying no, uh,

There was Arrow, which is the new UAP insider group, which stands for All Domain Anomaly Resolution Office, is saying that there's no such thing as immaculate constellation. Everyone else saying there is. We really do think that it's quite possibly. It's the name of something. We just don't know what exactly that it is.

What did they say they have, though? Well, they were saying that they have ultimate proof. Well, I saw that private talk with Lou Elizondo, where Lou Elizondo talked about the stuff that he saw would turn you white. I am white. Vividly so. Hey, you're pink. You and I are pink. Yes, I'm more tan than you are.

I've seen the pictures. I look weird next to you sometimes. What do you mean you look weird next to me? I'm so tan. You're so lily white. I feel like that you really overestimate how tan you are. I don't know. That last picture of the three of us in Chicago, it's like I'm a different human. That's just because your blood pressure was high. You're all full of salt. Especially in Chicago. Oh, yes. This is what I'm saying. Do you think that these guys, when they text each other to fool around, do they text, you app, you app?

Throw him out of the discussion. I'm calling the police I'm gonna beat him up. I'm gonna beat the shit out of him while he's asleep. I'm gonna wait till he goes to sleep on the road I'm gonna beat him up in his hotel room. And then I'll text back, "You app?" I'm gonna put soap in a fucking sock and beat him. Room 203.

You app? But really, you should look into this. You want to probe me? Don't do this. You should really look into this, Eddie. The debrief does a whole story on this. We don't know. Those are her earths. Got a temporary second moon right now. Oh, temporary second moon. We got a fucking roommate right now. I mean, we could probably use another moon.

I don't know. Do we need to make these women more angry? Well, I mean, the oceans are rising. If it keeps it down, I'd say get that second moon. I don't think it's going to do it. I think it's going to make the period blood higher. I think it's going to make the oceans higher. I think we need less moon. Get rid of the moon. We've tried to blow it up before, right? No, we like the moon. The moon helps us live.

The moon helps us live. But this, if you look into this whole thing, apparently, according to George Knapp and Jeremy Corbel, our friends now, they've gotten supreme death threats over this. This apparently is a thing they've known for a while. These words are very specific. I guess this is something that they're saying that they have something called the dead switch effect.

Okay. I don't even know what that means. They're like, you sound good. George Knapp apparently is ready to die, but not actually ready, but he's prepared to defend himself. Um,

Against the U.S. government. Change his name to the George Dirt Map. Whoa, that'd be cool. George Napkins. But it's going to be, who knows? This could be a big thing. This could be one of the big creaking open the doors of an actual secret program. Because they're really panicking. And it's just, just show us the fucking thing. No one cares.

You know what? You'd actually be surprised. I think partially is our U.S. government doesn't want to have anything to do with it. I think that they are Christian and they are very scared of it, largely. And you'd actually be kind of surprised at how people would handle it. I'm in your camp where I think at this point we kind of...

As a society, we're over stuff in three days. Yeah. So we technically could drop that alien news on a Monday and by Thursday, it's all going to be like, Ariana Grande's got a new haircut. It is just going to be like that immediately. They drop it on a Sunday. We won't even remember on Monday. We won't even know it's going to happen. So...

I think that we are edging closer to this, but who knows? Some people could die in the first place. I also think that the news is way weirder than we want it to be. That it's not aliens from another planet. And that it's going to be the hardest part of people understanding. People from the future? That's people from the future. That's one. That's a big one. Or that it's interdimensional, which we don't even particularly understand what that means. Or that they are clones. Or that we're the aliens. Like, what if it's that story? We're the fucking, like, there's proof. And then we gotta kill ourselves.

No, dude. Because then we take pride. And we take pride in how much we've taken over the planet. See? Yes. And we are so alien we are not. Yes. Flip it back around. Wow. Be proud of ourselves. Octopus. Alien or creature? I think that the octopus could very well be a combination of DNA from another planet that landed here in a meteorite. Oh, and like banged a squid? Yeah. All right.

Or went up a squid's pussy. Yeah, we know that. Sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. Not really sure of the science on that. Our octopus squid pussy aliens. We'd love to find that out for certain. We have updates. The updates that we have are sad. The Diddy allegations just piled

and pile and pile. I'm not going to go into them into any extent because it legitimately will not end. I think now once we get to trial, once this happens, so if he doesn't have some form of deal, which I imagine they are spinning really hard because they're doing a lot of stuff. His team has been rolling out pictures of his family's visiting him in jail. Sad. Yeah. His, his mom's got her sad wig on and then they, um, he's been complaining about the food at E.

He's been complaining about the food. He said he's super sad about the food. Oh, the food in jail? Yeah, he doesn't like it. It's not up to his expectations, which has got to be a bummer for him. And then there was obviously this new set of allegations against Kanye West, which you're going to see how that also plays out, because I do believe he was doing some nasty stuff inside of that crew. Who knows? We will find out. He tried to start a cult and failed.

And that's the saddest thing of all. It's like trying to commit suicide and not doing it all the way.

Extremely sad. One big update. Also, we found out science, it wins. Mosquitoes are pollinators. The reason why we don't destroy mosquitoes is because they are the bee team for when we destroy the bees. The bee team to the bees. So when we get rid of the bees, finally, finally, sick of these bees. I found one in my house. I was like, get the fuck out of here. Get back to work. You got the fucking work.

It listened, though. Yes. I yelled at it on the left. Spiders also listen. I talk to them all the time. But, yes, the mosquitoes will possibly pick up the slack for when the bees are all destroyed. Oh, no! No! No! No!

My bees! Henry spilled his soda, and it's all over the floor. That's fine. No, it's okay. It only kind of popped the top of it. There we go. Thank you, Rob. Thank you, Rob. Terry, everyone. These fucking mosquitoes ruining our goddamn lives. I'm sorry. I was peeing. Keep the bees alive. I was peeing.

It also says that eliminating mosquitoes from the food chain would cause complete ecosystem collapse. Total chaos. Someone sent a story about they tried to get rid of mosquitoes on this island because of all the malaria that the mosquitoes were bringing, but then ended up making the lizards get hunted out, and then they had to bring in cats to go after the rats that were left, and now all of a sudden we've got an island covered in cats. Also, don't forget that only the female...

mosquitoes suck blood. But the male mosquitoes are pollinators, which is why we have to keep them. Yeah, exactly. And the ladies, they're the blood-sucking leeches. Don't forget that. Hey, we know. You're going to tell me twice. And then we got to look at these another update. I got some angry emails about it, but it is true. I was correct. The cartels can cook. I didn't think so. Yeah, they said they kidnap chefs. Some people were

angry with me for even considering that the cartels could have delicious food, considering the damage that they do. But I think that when it comes down to it, they got to eat good. If you're going to wrestle control from a nation state, from a military, you need to be well-fueled. It's important. So 15 years ago, this guy has a letter

I went to visit a friend for New Year's Eve that lived in Guadalajara. Great time. One night she took me out to a local block party. Couple hundred people there. Bands playing. Unlimited free street tacos and drinks. We're having a great time. And when I asked her why I was all free, she told me the local cartel outfit would do these around the holidays to keep local loyalty. Never saw any guns or tough guys. Just people having a great time.

And then also, listener two, some cartels are actually renowned for their chefs. The Arilano Felix Cartel, based out of Tijuana, had a high-ranking member named El Pazolero, the stew maker, that would cook pozole, and he was highly regarded for it. That's a morning stew. You ever had pozole? Never had it. I've heard of it.

Sounds great. You should have some pozole. It's good hangover food, man. Morning stew is a weird thing to get me on board. Try a morning soup in the morning. I like oatmeal a lot. I think we should have some pozole together. Pozole. We got to go to Mexico City. Mexico City, I'll go to. I want to go. I don't want to go to Tijuana. Tijuana has got to... I don't need to. I want to go to Mexico City really bad. Mexico City. But apparently, other cartels were so aware...

of the El Pozoleiro that they were so happy that they would go and visit him, I guess. I guess it was one of those things that they would put down their arms in order to eat dinner together, in order to break bread. And that shows the power of food. He could have poisoned everybody. It would have been the perfect kill. But then he would not be El Pozoleiro. Oh, Pozoleiro. Because the most important thing is the Pozole cannot be corrupted with poisons. Save the violence for outside of the Pozole, my friend. Pozoleiro!

Pazolero. But I feel like that's the issue is that you don't want to put, don't make my food kill people. No. Pozzoli should be only for joy and happiness, for togetherness. And it makes sense. The mobs created food. They can be. What are you saying? They're not? I feel like it kind of, I feel like. San Marco fell off. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, we did. Our Williamsburg spot. I feel like that's the thing. Too many people got nabbed. The New York mob has lost their food supremacy. Yeah. They really have because Rayos, they're not involved in Rayos anymore. Crazy. Rayos has got up with like, now that they have the extra things outside of Rayos, they have the Vegas Rayos, they have the Miami Vegas. And the sauce at the grocery store. Yeah, who cares? Right? So the mob's out of that. They got Rayos here. Yeah, which is just like, what's the point? Why would I go to Rayos here?

The whole point is to go. But then DeFontes, that's my brand. Okay. It seems to be going well. All right. But still, you see less big fat mean looking guys there. Yeah. They're all reeling in construction now. A lot of them are just straight up just working in construction. I think they've all- And fucking good waste management. They're mostly going legit just because- They already have the businesses. They just keep getting caught. Or they're living in Staten Island. Mm-hmm.

Honestly, that's where the Italian food is at. That's a sleeper. Oh, dude, it's amazing. That's a sleeper. And Jersey, which also has. And Jersey's a big mob holdout. Oh, yeah. And after I eat a bunch of Italian food, I'm a sleeper. Just go right to bed. You got to sometimes check him with a mirror to see if he's still alive. When it comes to ensuring the safety of your home and loved ones, it's more than a priority. It's everything.

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Oh, urine color. Urine color, too. We got an update on urine color. Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, the ideal pee color is light yellow. That's what I'm saying. Light yellow. You want it lighter. Yeah. I almost called you into the bathroom just now so you could see my highlighter piss that I was fucking rocking out. See, that's scary to me, buddy. You got to be careful. Me, too. Yeah, no, you're taking supplements. Yeah, no, I'm juicing.

Yeah, that's how you bump in that color. Oh, God. If you're having brown piss, it's not good, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're having brown piss, you should be making poo-poo with your penis. That's right. Not once. Not even once. Oh! The kidney stone. That's poo-poo penis. God, I'm so afraid. There was another update on our sheriff story. Sheriff Mickey Stines murdered the judge. Can we talk about this? A little. Not that. But we're going to talk about how his daughter's number was not saved.

And the judge's phone. Oh, interesting. So again, it still gets a little bit more vaguer, but we got some inside information that we're not allowed to share. Which is so crazy. It's really wonderful. I wish I could. Yes. I wish we could sheriff it with you. But it does illuminate a little bit more what's really going on. But I imagine that it will come to light. I'm not going to help him. I'm not going to help him with this. All right, here we go. We got a couple of these. Let's do... I'm a summer sorries.

All right, we got that. We got this woman. Now, this woman... Is this Virginia McCullough? I feel like we could start with her. Yeah, she's a good one. I want to show you this video, Eddie. Now, again, some of my body cam footage. This is a good one because it's from old Great Britain. Now, this woman is obviously...

I'm going to say a bit of a handful. Yeah. So Virginia McCullough, 36, she has admitted to fatally poisoning her father and placing him in a homemade mausoleum in their apartment. Apartment made.

Yeah. And that, uh, this is, and they, uh, kept them. They also, she also murdered Lois McCullough, her mother, her mother, mother's mother. Yeah. And they, uh, kept them inside of the house. She kept them hidden inside of the house. They're corpses for four years. Damn. Um, she stabbed her mother to death in June of 2019. So they both been dead in the house for four years. So did she like embalm them somehow or did it just fucking reek? Just super gross. What she did was that she, uh,

The lady went the last couple of days. She ran up all of the parents' credit cards, took their pension money. She mostly bought designer bags, designer clothes with it, some food. But a lot of it is mostly goods. That's what she bought. Something like $140,000 she had taken from them over the year. Oh, yeah. £149,697 is what she took from her parents' estate. And when they came to get her...

It's wild because you build this whole fantasy world, you know, saying that they were gone. She used COVID. COVID allowed her and bought her a year. Yeah, because she had to stay inside. Yeah. So that bought her a year of time. At least a year, maybe more. Oh, yeah. And then she kept saying her parents' health and canceling things off with the family. And eventually the family's like, where in the living fuck are these people? Because we all have Zoom. Oh, yeah. Like we could maybe find. So the police finally did a welfare check.

And they find that she, so she created a cocktail of drugs to poison her parents and she used her father as a guinea pig.

To kind of finally see it. So she started with him slowly but surely and eventually killed him. And then the mother started catching on. So she stabbed him to death. Wrapped her up in a, until she did two different things. One was that she, her father had a series of bricks from his like casual bricklayer work that he would do in the backyard underneath his bed. She took those bricks, just bricked them up in the room. Oh. So he was bricked in a room.

Did she do it right with the cement in between the... I don't think she did a lot of attention to detail. I don't think that these were the... I don't think this was the Coliseum. Yeah. I think that she built a little substandard wall that would keep out the smell. That's why I was asking. But I don't think you need much to keep out the smell if it's

brick and mortar. And then with her mother, what she did was wrap her again and again and again in a bunch of plastic sheeting, stuff that in a sleeping bag and put that out. That makes sense because I was curious why they didn't just like melt through the floor because sometimes after people leave like a crime scene, they do tend to, but that depends on the temperature of the house.

You know what I mean? If they're really, really hot, sometimes they will dissolve. Sometimes they just turn into sort of like paper. They mummify themselves over time as they sit there for a long, long time. But she just went on her way. And she did a very classic thing. We've seen a lot of stories of like teenagers killing their parents and then partying all night. People doing this, killing their parents and kind of locked into the sort of like denial of reality. She killed her parents and sort of just acted like they never existed.

And it doesn't work like that. They look so cute and dirty, the two of them. Yes, they really were. They really were. But the reason why I wanted to talk about the story was the arrest video. Okay. Because the arrest video is just wild because according to Virginia...

She knew that this was coming. For certain. She knew that one day it was going to happen. She had dead parents in her house. She got away with it for a long time. A long time. So she actually did very well. So you can see right here as they come in. With the tactical guns, not the real guns. Well, they come in, well, you know, in the UK, they don't have guns. Yes, yeah, no, they have these weird tasers. They got tasers. I need to tell you something about what's upstairs on the top floor as well. Yeah, okay. That's her. Watch your feet, Tom.

My dad's body's in there. Right, okay. Yep, okay. Obviously I'll say... Where's your mum? A little bit more complicated. Where will we find your mum? Where will we find your mum? Okay, so upstairs there are about five wardrobes. Yep. It's behind the bed but back next to the sink. He didn't drink all of them. He only drank probably about half of two. But...

Yeah, when I went in in the morning, this was before my mother, came in and he was gone. I did know that this would kind of come eventually. It's proper that I serve my punishment. Cheer up, at least you caught the bad guy. Yeah, she hits him with that super cute cheer up. I think you cheer up. You don't worry. I think you've caught the bad guy. Yeah. So she is a heartless person. So she did very to a lot of family annihilators.

We talk about the financial pressures. So what she did was that she had ran up debt all over her own accounts. Yeah. And then decided that her parents couldn't handle the embarrassment.

of her crimes and what she's done. So then she killed them because of the loss in status, but then proceeded to do the same, to rob Peter to pay Paul to go and use those credit cards to pay off the old credit cards. Same fucking dumb horses. After you murder someone, I'm not paying off credit cards. What do you mean? Because it's such a high crime. What the fuck do you care about paying off your credit cards? Because you get a lot more attention. If you pay them off? If you don't pay them off.

than if you have bodies hidden inside of your house. You actually, I feel like it's much easier for someone to come knocking. Somebody's going to come poking if you eventually, if you don't pay. Yes. Versus if, you know, just not hearing from two elderly people. They'll come take your TV and shit. Oh yeah, they'll show up. Yeah. You'll get a bunch of letters at some point. Someone will be angry at you.

They won't care if you die. So what's going to happen to her? Oh, she's going to jail. She's going to jail. But they get out quickly over there, right? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. She said that she gave away, it was $21,000, 21,000 pounds on online gambling, too. Really? Oh, yeah. Very much so.

God, her worst crime. Truly. Truly. You got to be careful. Just giving it to the casinos. Oh, man. Well, you know, I'm glad she's going to prison, but man, it's so weird.

What? I don't know. It's just like, why did he kill your parents? She must have hated them, right? No, she felt nothing. She felt nothing. They were obstacles to her financial well-being. Yeah, and she obviously never even tried to get married or anything like that. No, she has no feelings. No, no, no. She's not a pleasant woman. She killed her parents. It's just so many better things to do with your time. Oh, yeah. The court heard McCullough benefited from, oh, yeah, this was the whole thing. She made 149,000 pounds.

But over four years, it's not even that much. No. That's not even 50 grand a year. She spent it all. Of course she did. That's barely enough to survive. Oh, yeah. That's what I mean. You know, still, she got it for free. She got it for free. And that's why. Did she have a job? No. Eddie. This bitch. Unbelievable. Lazy fuck. Why would she need a job? She was fucking, dude, she was fucking killing it. Man, there was someone who had a job and it didn't last too long.

If you don't mind me. Oh, please. I would like to change subjects here. This is the New York Post. Miracle Colorado worker loses both of his legs in a wood chipper freak accident. 15 minutes into his new job. I just feel that that's extremely fast. Yes. And I think that the idea of it was a lose your legs.

Yeah, no, they know where they are. Like it was an accident. Yeah, they're right there. Why can't they just say chopped his legs off? Yeah, changed him into a pile of mush. Why can't the newspaper just say that? Yeah, yeah. They were like, he didn't lose his legs. If he lost his legs, we should have a fucking dog team together to go fucking look for him. All right, so John O'Neill, 33 years old, kind of looks like Robin.

It was fitted with a court-ordered ankle monitor. All right? So he had an ankle monitor on. I don't know why he had it. I don't know what his crime was. How did they not gunk up the works of the thresher? You know, those things are powerful. Wow. They eat whole trees. I think an ankle monitor will be fine. Wow. So one of the tree branches he grabbed, it was in the shape of a hook, like a fish hook. Okay. And it got caught.

on his ankle monitor and then that branch started getting sucked into the wood chipper and then he started to get sucked into the wood chipper yes he's screaming everyone's co-workers don't hear him because the wood chipper is so loud number one and also they have like protective hearing devices on so they don't hear him the wood chipper goes up past the knees um

On both legs, this poor bastard. Is there not until someone, they pulled him out of there as it was sucking, still sucking him in there slowly. Is it not a thing where like they have safety measures where they, if something gets caught in the thing, I guess it wouldn't know the difference between a tree and a body. Probably not with these guys. Definitely not with these guys. Do you think that there was no way for there to be some kind of, isn't there like a safety release hatch?

Well, there was no, because I mean, this happens. People get caught in wood chippers all the time. All the time? I mean, not all the time, but it definitely happens on farms and stuff. A lot of farming accidents. All right, so here's this crazy story that I have from my past. So I was dating this woman who lived on a farm and her... It's a human.

I said woman. Okay. Yes. She grew up on a farm, and we went back to our hometown, and there was a bench in a park, and it was dedicated to Billy whatever. And I was like 11. I was like, oh, what happened to this kid? She's like, oh, it's actually very sad. He was playing hide-and-go-seek with his friends, and he hid in the wood chipper, and then his father turned on the wood chipper, and a shoe flew out. You mean the second kind of fire? And now he's a bench.

Oh, that's not good, man. So it happens. Oh, I know it happens. I just didn't know it happened that often. Also, do you know in Fargo, they have the wood chipper at the greeting center from the movie, and they have a leg sticking out of it. That's great. It's kind of fun. You can take pictures with it. But this guy...

Great attitude. He's got a GoFundMe. If you want to hook it up, his friend George Safir started a GoFundMe for him. They're trying to raise $35,000 or up to $32,000 to kind of get this guy's legs back. You can't get his legs back. He's going to get Lieutenant Dan legs. Not them big steel legs. He needs the Oscar Pistorius ones. Who knows what he's going to get? We can talk to him and see what he wants. Pogo sticks. The whole thing.

is like this guy fucking the ankle monitors to blame. Yeah. Which is crazy. I know, but you know, at the same time, you got to be really careful. He says he's not suing his worker, his job. And that's where he's completely wrong. Well, I think he should sue the people who make the ankle monitors.

Oh, wow. Can we take him down that way? Yeah, I feel like that's who you sue. Whoa. It's the fucking government for putting this thing on you and making you work with it. I think that, I mean, what did he do before? We still never clarified what he did. We don't know what his crime was. I will say that. I would love to find that out. Yeah. Before we decide that the ankle monitor is the problem. I mean, well, I mean, he got the ankle monitor on. Because you know what he's going to need now is he's going to need a fucking hat.

Yeah. That tells him where people are. Ooh, wow, yeah. He's, wow, he's really super proud. No, he does seem to have good spirits. Can I say honestly, and I don't, I am, yes, in a way, I am sort of inspired, but he's almost too happy. He's kind of, he reminds me of What's-His-Name's character from Office Space. Mm-hmm. Where it's almost like- Oh, you think I jumped to conclusions, guys? Yeah, it's a jump to conclusions, Matt. Like-

There's something about his I-never-have-to-work-again smile that he has that I think that is—I hope that it's not premature. Yeah. Because he has a look on like, I won the—he looks like he won the lottery. Mm-hmm.

He looks happy. I think he's imagining he'll get a lawsuit or something. Because he is being this picture I'm looking at right now. You should. If you've got two new stumps and I mean it, I'm happy he's smiling, but also like Dick and Ball's still there.

Honestly, it's maybe what he's smiling about. He got out before that. You must have the dick and balls. He technically died. I mean, honestly, you cut your legs up like that. You know, we got that fucking vessel in there. So that'll kill you if it gets cut. It's just something about, I just feel like he's counting his eggs before they hatch. You got to remember that, buddy. You're not through the lawsuit yet. They got so many different ways to fuck you. He's just got that gleam in his eye. Like this is the best thing that's ever happened to him.

Yeah, no, so yeah, he technically died.

on the helicopter ride and they needed to give him 15 pints of blood. Jesus Christ. He says that they essentially replaced all of the blood in my body. Wow. Look at him. He's just so happy. It's a really, I mean, the true hero here is the hospital in Denver. Oh, yes, of course. The team that saved him is like, that's like, they're geniuses. Yeah. This is, he's just, I just want to say like, just cool your jets before you're too happy. Yeah. And he was, you know, and he's, you know, he's sober.

He was sober before. And he's sober now? And he's sober now. He's very big on being sober, which is good for him. I'm happy for him. I don't think he needs booze. Dude, I'll tell you what. He'll definitely get drunk a lot faster. I'll tell you what. If it went on in a wheelchair, I'm going to be fucking hammered. Yeah. Oh, you bet it. You bet, friend. I'm not going to be pleasant. I'm going to be yelling at people. I'm going to be swinging my stick at people.

He wants to start rock climbing again. It'll be easier now. He's got to lift half the fucking weight. Well, he doesn't have to stand on it.

Yes, I see what you did there. The legs are gone, so it'll be less for him to carry up. No, you could win a pull-up contest for sure. Yeah. You know the Marines, they have that bar at all the fairs and stuff like that. They have the bar and you hang on the bar for two minutes. I'm proud of him. You're a Marine, so maybe this guy can do that. I'm proud of him. Yeah, definitely make him a Marine.

Absolutely. He's built for the water now. Yes. Before we have a little bit of an update here, I just want to quickly go and just ruin your day very quickly to have you go look up Brazil's Joseph Fritzl. There's a new dude. He kept his wife and seven kids, age 3 to 22, prisoner for 20 years, and then he kept having babies with them and burying the babies in the backyard. This is new. Brand new. Brand new. Brand spanking new. He must have been doing this. He must have been so excited for Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

So the 52-year-old allegedly raped from them repeatedly, forced abortions, and buried the fetuses in the family's garden. No one likes it. Nobody likes it. There's very little humor to mine from it. How are we just glossing over this insane, giant story? There's not a lot of humor. This wasn't even the notes. You're just dropping this on me. Seven children aged 3 to 22 were rescued, and the investigation revealed further horrors. Police say the suspect had sexually abused not only his daughters, but also his late mother-in-law.

He also reportedly drilled holes in the walls to spy on his daughters as they dressed and bathed. The unnamed man, I'm glad we're protecting his identity, he's now in preventative custody, charged with false imprisonment, rape, psychological violence, abortion, and concealing corpses, and then by the fun police for doing karaoke too loud. The victims have been relocated to a different state, which is good. None of the victims, none of the neighbors knew what was going on. And that's really all the details I got. Great.

You know, I never want to hear Joseph Fritzl's name again for the rest of my life. But what if he's the name of your Bavarian lawyer in cheese court? I'm going to name my adopted child Joseph Fritzl.

Born with hair. Joseph Fritzl. Little Joseph. Oh, little Joseph Fritzl. Joseph Fritzl Larson. Little Joseph Fritzl Larson. Here's your comb. Make your hair nice and tall. Like your name said. Very good. My little Joseph Fritzl. Make it one name. My little Joseph Fritzl. Get out of the attic. I know you love it up there.

Get out of the basement, little Fritzl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He spends more time in the basement. But, you know, he'd be bad in California because we don't have that many basements. God, he would be so upset. So, guys, that's our coverage on that. Live from Northland.

But we have an update!

And for everyone, last week we talked about the PP Bandit. We did. We talked about the PP Bandit. It's in Pasadena, for those of you who don't know, whether this is criminal or whether this is art, a man, we assume a man, has been placing jars of his fetid piss that he has written things like HIV piss on it, HIP, HIVP, HIV positive P, urine, he's written the words urine on it, and he's been leaving at a specific place not too far from our studio that Rob, I'm trying

went and looked at it. Investigative journalism, dude. He investigated it today. We went and looked. They have been putting pyramids on top of a very specific power control box that this man has been placing these jars of piss upon. Yes. And it has been very difficult to find this man. They can't stop him. He took off the pyramid. But...

But we don't know. But there's a great... If you're a TikTok man, go to at underscore Derek Milton and you can check out the whole story. It's very well done. It's very well done. And then it's on TikTok. It's beautiful. Derek Milton is a hilarious comedian. He is. And last week we accused him of possibly being very...

the PPR itself. I didn't mean to throw baseless accusations. I'm just saying if we really want to look at who's closest to the crime and Qui Bono. Physically closest to the crime. Yes, Qui Bono, the man who benefits the most is Pi Bono. Pi Bono. Derek Milton. Derek Milton. And guess what? Would be the most to profit from this. We have

him here to clear his name. What's up, guys? And his ball. Yes. And his kidneys. How you doing, Derek? Are you the PP Bandit? I am...

Not the pee pee bandit. Okay, so now we're going to hold you to that. Now you guys are going to cut out the not part. We're going to say I am and then told it in the interview. And I kind of gravitate a little bit more towards piss than pee pee. You do. I did notice that. On all the news, it was always pee and you were always like,

piss. And I do appreciate that because it's more upsetting. The word piss is very upsetting. Can I ask you in your expert's opinion, what's the key difference of pee pee and piss? I don't know. I tell you the truth. I think pee pee is it's a little bit more uncomfortable. And it's weird that it's weird that that's why the mainstream media went towards that because piss is piss is just piss. You know, it's shorter, but maybe that hard SS does something. Yeah, I think that there are.

People who get pissed, who get turned on by the concept of just the words piss. I think a lot of them work for the media. And I think that that's why they don't use piss. Piss is a hard word. Pee, I do think, is worse. Because you're right. What this man's doing is leaving jars of piss. Exactly. He does not piss and tell. And even just saying like, hey, I gotta go take a piss. That feels natural. But if you're out somewhere and you're like, hey, I gotta go take a pee-pee. That's just...

It's uncomfortable. I say it to make people uncomfortable. Yeah, because I'm so big and everyone's like, oh, God, what's he doing over there? That's definitely a piss. Well, if he takes a pee-pee, it's big. Now, my question, sir, is what got you here? What got you into the investigating this? All right, so...

When I first noticed it was in, I want to say 2022. So about two years ago. Shit. This has been going on a long time. I think longer. Cause that's when I noticed it. Cause I'd always be, it's, it's something that's on the front end road of the one 34 highway. Yeah. And you're just always driving by and it's just, and it's not normal bottles of piss. It's not like truck driver, Amazon, like, you know, it's, it's different. First of all, different types of bottles.

Some are two, some are two liters. Some are, you know, like normal, like Coke bottles. Some are like Listerine bottles and they're all, their labels would be cut and then opened up and then labeled human urine. Yeah. So you drive by like, and it was consistent for two years. It was like, it was like, you know, it'd be there for like three days and then it disappear and then it'd be back the next morning. So this guy was very prolific in whatever he was doing.

And then it just kind of got a little bit stranger. Like they're always there. And then there was like a neighborhood vigilante who posted this letter on the electrical box.

Which I can send it to you guys. Please. That's a full-on, yeah, that's a neighborhood. I love Nextdoor. Nextdoor is my favorite app in the fucking country right now. And I could feel the vibes. I know exactly who this person was. This is an irresponsible thing to do, good sir. This piss should be saved for our troops. And the way it's written, it's written very like, it's like a...

A villain in a Disney movie. How are they? I have it here, actually, if you want me to read it. Oh, yes, please. Let me see. Okay. So it's if you can see this, it was posted on it. Yeah, it's like duct taped. This is from the vigilante. This is from the vigilante in the neighborhood. Hey, funny guy. If I catch you leaving your piss here, I'll make you drink every last drop. You will have wished I called the cops.

I'm watching you and you don't know who I am, but I know who you are. You've been warned. And then there's a drawing of like a, a big eye. Like he's watching. Why does he tell anybody if he knows who it is? And I was hoping he would come out of the woodwork during my investigation, but.

That vigilante is still out there. Wow. And so, but also there is no more pee pee, right? No more piss. I'm sorry. There is no more piss, right? As of right now, it's been a few weeks. And how long is a few weeks? No piss. Oh, but back to what I was back to what I was saying. Like, so for two years, this was happening. And then, then he went dormant for six months. He was, there's no piss anywhere. And I kind of felt like,

This longing, like where, where'd he go? What was the story behind all this? Who's the Batman without the Joker? He's like BTK. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And then, and then one week he, he appeared back and it was like full on. He was back in action. And after that week, that's when Grant and I kind of did our first initial trail cam and

And then we got that footage back and it was just insane. Do you think that maybe literally the heat's getting too hot for this guy? That like literally it's getting too much and he's starting to back off. He's starting to realize that people are actually paying attention because he obviously wants people to pay attention. Whoever is doing this, he's writing messages. Yeah. But it's so strange because he...

he's writing messages on you know but we've tried communicating him that's been our whole goal is just trying to communicate with him see like do you have a bigger message you know like we can we can tell the world about it just let us know you know but he has no no interest in communicating with us but he's also like like halfway through the investigation i think he saw some of the videos and he changed instead of writing human urine he's writing piss on him now

Oh, he's fucking you're changing his you're changing his M.O. Yeah. In a way. Well, someone's got to name the serial killer, man. You know what I'm saying? Fast. And it's very fascinating. Also. Yeah. But also I've always like we call him the piss artist. Yeah. But the piss bandit came from the.

the cleanup team who's contracted by Pasadena. They're more of the bandits. We got to change the name to Pasadena. So they, and then like his lore was like within, like they saw the first video I made and they reached out to me and they're like, yeah, he's, we've been cleaning this up for years. You know, he has this, you know, he has this, you know, this reputation in our, in our office, we call him the piss bandit.

And they're like, this is, we don't have no idea. And then, then people were sending me photos of there was times when he like hung piss bottles up by the tree. It's, it's wild. People from the neighborhood were reaching out because everyone, it was kind of this unspoken thing. And like, you're always driving by it. And everyone's like, is that piss? Yeah. So then once that first video came out, people from the neighborhood were like sending me photos that they've taken throughout the years. And like,

Some people, and then he started on electrical box that was like maybe a block away. And then throughout the years, and he started with big goals.

Oh, that's much worse. Big gulps. That's a lot of piss. Yeah, yeah. But then throughout time, he gradually moved to our electrical box where we're at now. And even on like, if you go to Google Maps in 2022, you can see big gulps on the electrical box. Oh my God. I wonder if this is somebody from Earwolf. I wonder if this is one of these comedy podcasters. I think this has got to be one of those improv comedy podcasters. And you tested the piss, right?

Yeah, Grant and I did a... It's definitely human. We collected a sample...

Collected the sample. Yeah, you weren't taking shots of it. Right? We weren't taking shots. We collected the sample. We took it back. I ordered your standard Amazon.com drug test and a urinalysis test. That's hilarious. You ran your own piss test. The piss test and drug test.

And then we did the, we did the piss test first and it comes back with all like the proteins and stuff like that. And how's he doing? And I can't, I can't read it at all. So I sent, I sent it to my friend who's a nurse and,

And he deciphered it for me. And he's like, yes, this is clean, healthy piss. Wow. So he's sober doing this. And it was good, which is crazy. I guess we should have collected one of the redder, more darker hue, but because that's another thing, all the piss it's like some are severely dehydrated. Some are like clean summer, like near purple, you know, it's, it's, he's trying, he's literally doing it on purpose. This man has a piss based life. It's, it's very, very odd.

And then we did the drug test and there was no drugs.

So someone, that was one of the conspiracy theories. I thought that there was someone said that he's leaving, that this is an altruistic man leaving clean piss out for homeless people to use for job applications. Yeah, that's why it's, but why, why put it right there? Cause that's also, you know, how would you know it's a place to get to? Yeah. Yeah. It also specifically says HIV positive piss. That was once, but yeah, that was, that was wild. Yeah.

You know he was laughing his ass off when I wrote that. They're going to be real scared of this one. I got him this time. Do you think there's a chance? I know we have one guy placing it, but do you think it's a lot of piss? Do you think there's multiple pissers?

I think it's one guy. One guy. I think it's one guy. I think it's one guy. I think it's a surfer. Did you hear that? My theory on how it's a surfer? Because when they stole your trail cameras, they kept taking pictures of popular surfing spots. That's true. Down in San Diego. And we all know they pee in the water. They don't use bathrooms properly. And so it could be a surfer.

And the way he did that, too, was because it's a trail camera. And he took this beautiful shot of the beach, of Sunset Cliff. So in order to do that, you've got to prop it up. You've got to figure your frame and everything like that. And trail cameras aren't used for it. He was toying with us. Or he was trying to throw you sent off. And he's not a surfer. He's a hiker. That's true. He's a city guy. Okay. Scale of San Diegan. And are you still tracking these trail cameras? No.

No, no, no. So that one, your life is taking over. You have to go back to a normal semblance of life. I am. I'm done with trail cameras, but so that trail camera, he took it, he took it. And then the SIM card ran out and he tried to register it, but the company, but since I already registered it, they reached out to me. They're like, someone's trying to register your, your, uh, he went as far to try to register it. Yeah. I think he, I think he likes cameras too.

He took a nice picture of the coast. I don't know if you saw it or not. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say, I think this guy might be a real weirdo. Tarek, thank you so much for being with us today. Thank you for, and I'm sorry for slandering your name. It means so much for you to be here. Everyone's a suspect sometimes. As a professional pissman, what is the best bottle, in your opinion, to pee in?

Now that you know. Like in this case or in general? What have you learned from the bandit? Yeah. Oh, from the bandit? I think it was like, I want to say it was like a sunny D, which seems like kind of. Oh, yeah. It kind of has like an open, it has like a. Big wide mouth. A bigger mouth. Yeah, wide mouth. Yeah. He's bragging. I don't have a giant penis, but I have a giant hole at the tip.

He's the first guy I've seen where the hole of his dick is actually bigger than the edge. It's really weird. It almost doesn't make sense. It's like a billy mouth bass. Yeah, yeah. It always sings take me to the river. Very similar. Graboid, graboid, yes. Is there anything you want plugged?

I guess if you, I don't know if you guys have plugged the videos yet, but you can, you can see them on, on our Tik TOK or mainly or an Instagram just under my name, Derek Milton. Got it.

my partner's name, Grant Yansura. I should know if you had any charities that now you're forced to work for deputized by the police. I want to do like a, maybe like an artist program or something like that. If you want to donate to something like that, street art, something like that would be amazing, honestly, or just being like, let's put piss to a positive.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's save piss. Let's do it. Let's get all of us doing clean piss for people who need it. It can be in our form. And, you know, and that was another thing that we were always set about. Like, we just wanted to see what his motivation was and anything like that. And what his message was. We were never out there to try and like bust him or anything like that, which a lot of like articles come out saying like,

These guys are trying to take him down, but no, we're just, we just want to know what, what the message is there. You know, the piss. We're here and ready to receive it. You hear us piss bandit?

I'll check in. I'll check back with you guys. Yes, we will. Please do. Let us know if you have any updates, Derek. It was so nice to meet you. Hilarious dude. I loved it. I watched the whole saga. Go to at underscore Derek Milton on tech talk to check out everything he puts out. It's very funny stuff. Thank you, Derek. Thank you, man. Thanks guys. Of course, doc. Peace. Later. Peace. Rest in peace. Wow.

We get the real interviews here. We really do, man. This might be the best new show on the internet. I'm telling you, we're not talking enough about how The Rock is a suspect.

Why would The Rock be the suspect? Because he pees in bottles on set. It all came out. I know, but I think people drink it. Oh, you think people... Yeah, I bet it's delicious. Of course. It's none of the best stuff. Oh, yeah. Actually, I think he markets it as Taramata. Oh, is that what the tequila is?

God, he also needs a break. I think he could go on a break. Oh, yeah, he peed in the Voss water bottle, so they all made a joke, too, because he's got a thick throat. Yeah. Big hole. Yeah, well, he could have gone to the bathroom.

I think he could have stopped and gone to the bathroom. Yeah. We're going to be pissing all over Humboldt County soon. Very, very soon. November 23rd. Yes. We'll be up there at the Mateen. Oh, no. Hold on. Fuck. I forgot. I wrote down all the information. But the actual fucking venue. Fucking sucked, Eddie.

The Mateel Community Center in Redway, California. That's in Humboldt County. We're going to be there on November 23rd. Side Stories Live, hosted by the great Billy Wayne Davis. We're going to have a blast. Come out. We're going to smoke a bunch of weed. We're going to do a great show. Come and see us. We're going to do a fine show. Fuck around in Humboldt. We're going to do a fine show. Just you be stoned. Yes. Tickets are available on Eventbrite or just go to lastpodcastsonaleff.com.

Yes, so live every day knowing that your pee can be art to someone else. And then you can love the fact that you have a self-disdained art form within just your body, just in your bladder, in your balls. You can pass and make art and make people talk. That's right. And then everybody can laugh knowing that, hey, yeah, my piss got you talking, but now your friends ain't that funny. Now we're friends with Derek Milton. That man's...

brought Derek into our life. We like Derek now. So that man's piss made us friends. I think Derek actually seems like a great person. He seems like a funny guy, really nice guy. That's what I'm saying. That man, somehow the piss bandit is bringing people together. So you like him, the piss bandit? I think the piss bandit's an artist. The piss artist, yeah. Yes, I think he's an artist and I think that what he's doing, while it is some form of public vandalism, I think it's interesting. Yeah. And I hope...

to meet him in person. God piss him. God piss him. I'll go to patreon.com slash last podcast. You can see our faces waggled around. Go to at LP on the left for TikTok, Instagram, social media.

What is it doing for us? Not very good. It's not very good. Cross the board. Twitch.tv slash LPNTV. Go watch our new streams. They're great. Go on YouTube and watch us do our streams. That's where we put them after they are on Twitch Live. And come out and see them. They're going to be fucking good. That's right. And on Friday, this episode comes out on Wednesday. On Friday the 18th, we're going to be in London at Cadigan Hall. And then on Sunday, we're going to be up in the old

smoke. Yes. On Sunday, October 20th, we're going to be at the Hackney Empire in London. How many old dogs you smoke, then? And if you're in Iceland...

What the fuck are you doing with your life? Well, we're doing like a ticket giveaway now. We are doing a ticket giveaway, but I don't really know anything about it. You guys need to talk to your local newspapers. But yeah, we're going to be at the Harpa in Reykjavik, Iceland. That's Tuesday, October 22nd. I'm so excited to go to Iceland. We're going to be hanging out for a couple extra days. Let us know where we should go eat.

Let me know. I heard the puffin is very good. Yes, it is. You eat the tiny penguins. I actually don't really want. I've heard puffin is actually quite disgusting. So you're going back on what you just said? Yes. Wow. That was fast. Yes. That was fucking fast, bro. I'm looking at this real quick here. All right. We have a ticket giveaway. Oh, never mind. We don't. In Iceland. We don't. We decided to. Cut that. We have a ticket sell away. Cut it all. We can't.

We have a ticket sell-away. I actually don't know what the giveaway is, so we're going to have to work on that. But I...

Buy the tickets. All right? I don't want to fucking give them to you. Yeah. All right. Iceland, I want you to come out to the show. Buy the tickets. Honestly, I will give out tickets just to see you. Yeah. But you just come because everything else is basically sold out. Boston's essentially sold out. It's like 10 firms sold out. London were basically sold out. I just need these tickets to be sold so that we don't cry ourselves to sleep. That's right. And we also, we released some more tickets for the Brooklyn show.

which is going to be at the King's Theater. We release more tickets for that because they didn't think we could fucking sell. You know what happened? Y'all bastards came out, bought them tickets. You say, I want to watch Last Podcast on the left and we love you for it. Except now we have to sell more tickets. Which we will. So come on out. It's going to be a lot of fun. That's going to be in Brooklyn December 7th.

So come on out to New York. It's going to be Christmas time. It's Christmas. New York is so magical. Go spend your money in New York. Yeah. Don't you want to go and give everything up? Yeah, you can go to Union Square. Everybody's favorite. And go around the tiny shops. Yeah, go to Times Square. It's everybody's favorite.

favorite. Oh, yes. Harold Square. Everyone loves squares. Washington Square. Lincoln Square. Go drink piss. Yes. Oh, my God. If you can drink some piss, do it in New York City. If you can. Oh, my God. Because it's nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me how? Hail Satan, everybody. Oh, my God. Hail piss.

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