Side Stories: Gypsy Rose Pregnant!
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There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. All right. I'm happy today. Why are you happy? I'm happy today. What happened to you? Right before the show, you were with me. Uh-huh. I figured out a loophole.

It's called the pee-pee loophole. Okay. The pee-hole loophole. Pee-hole loophole? The pee-hole loophole.

Which is, I realized, so we were going to maybe cover the story. We're not going to cover it in the main episode of the show. There's a cold open, which is the way we like doing this. Yeah. That a guy ruined $511 worth of sandwiches by pissing all over him. Yeah. But the way he got the manager in a bind is that at no point did they see him take his penis out of his pants to urinate upon a cooler of sandwiches. Okay. So what he, because what he did, now this guy obviously, he was a rascal and a rascal. Yeah.

All right. Because he had a motorized wheelchair. And he got out of the wheelchair and propped himself up against this cooler of sandwiches. And I guess he did have to go to the bathroom. But he did decide he wanted that urine to go upon the sandwiches. So what he did was George Washington, the foot of the boat heading across the Delaware style, put the foot up on top of the cooler where the sandwiches were. Oh, he was wearing shorts. Pants. Pants.

He let the piss flow from his pee hole through the pants legally around the leg into the sandwiches. Ruined the sandwiches. It's self-destruction of property. But it's completely legal to piss your pants. It is not.

indecent exposure if you piss inside of your pants. So you can leave... They're having a hard time figuring out what the issue is. He says he's offering to pay for the sandwiches, which is also like something else. He shouldn't because that means that he's saying he's pissing. But if I was his lawyer, I'd say don't offer that. But I'm not his lawyer. I'm a comedian. I like hearing about the piss, right? So I don't care. I don't care about the outcome of the trial. I think that...

All right, first of all, I think everything you're saying is flawed. No, you were wrong. You can piss in front of... How am I wrong? That's all I said. You can go in front of a police officer. I bet you... I'm not saying you can't. And you can pee in your pants. Yeah. And he... I'm saying he...

I don't mean to. They can't arrest you. Okay. Yeah. Because you're just pissing your pants. But you have a bunch of fucking piss in your pants. But you won. So how are you winning? You beat the police officer. What do you mean? Like you beat him? No. You pissed in front of him. Yeah. But you know, I'm talking about the law. You beat the courts. Yeah. You're better than the country. You're Teflon. But you have piss in your pants.

And you're going to get a rash. That's how you win. That's not winning. A W is a W. That's not a W. Sometimes you got to take out the other guy for you to win. What's your goal? To tell the police officer you can't arrest me.

But for what? Because I can openly pee not inside of a bathroom. You can't openly pee. You're peeing in your pants. But I'm openly. That's not openly pee. The pee is not open. Yeah. The action is. Yeah, but you're fucking got a crotch that's covered in your own piss. Not unless I wear wet pants. Welcome to Side Stories. My name is Henry Zebrowski. You're wrong. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. No. Side Stories. You want to go?

around with piss in your pants? Sidestoreslpotl at gmail.com. If your pants are already wet, that just means they're wet more with piss. But you can't be arrested. Who cares?

I'm just saying it's a way to legally pee outside. If you want to. Do it in your backyard. But that requires a backyard. You're being classist. I'm saying that you can go and you can piss in your pants for free and be free anywhere in this country. I'd say you're a prisoner of your own piss if you do that. But it's your piss. Yeah. And it doesn't mean it's great, Henry. Do you think you have good piss? No. No.

I got bad piss. But it's mine. It's my choice. Like, this is my country. Yeah. And I'll do whatever I want to my country. Now, if you made a little hole, that's a public urination. Yeah? How about... Sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. I'm looking for a police officer to answer this question. We used to do a thing we called take it a knee.

Whereas if you're wearing basketball shorts, you can kind of pee out the bottom of them and you don't have to actually take your dick out. But guess what? You don't have to do at all any of this. Because I also think that with shorts, something that you could probably do is, this is just me, is creating a sort of pee-friendly environment for the inside of your pants. We're going to get to other stories. But we're not done here.

I think that if you did have basketball shorts on, you could, and this is again about technique, is that if you stick your hand in your pockets and you pull the shorts out so they're stretched, you could probably angle your penis so that you can pee out of the shorts without getting it on any of the fabric. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. But that is expert level. Yeah, that's what we used to do. That makes sense. I'm just trying to pee in front of a police officer and say, you can't arrest me. You might as well wear a diaper.

I might be more practical. I might as well. But you said you don't like the crinkle. I don't. So you'd rather walk around with piss in your pants and wear a diaper? Yeah, because a diaper means I'm a baby. Piss-filled pants mean I'm a man who made choices of my own. I don't know if you did. A lot of people just pee because they're sick.

Which I see in your future. Those are losers. I'm a winner. All right? Sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. I'd like to find out. What are they answering? If it is legal to pee in your pants in front of a police officer. Of course it is. I don't know. Well, to be completely honest, I don't know if it is. I'm just saying I think that it should be. Why? Why?

Why? Oh my God. If I have an accident in front of a cop and then he beats me and cuffs me. I mean, I would applaud if I was watching it happening. I think it'd be hilarious, but I also know that that's maybe not cool. No. Biden gets my vote if he signs my executive order. This is the only way he gets my vote. And

I don't think he needs to be making pee in your pants orders right now. That's the worst thing he could do. I need closure. If you want me on your team, if you want me riding with Biden, sucking dick for Jill, you need me, buddy. All right? Yeah. California has no specific law making public urination a crime, but they do use other charges. Again, that's about whipping out your dick. Yes.

But you have to be careful with that. All right. Everyone's worried about Biden's age. He shows up and he's like, I want to make your pants legal. It's a bad idea. All right. I think that everything you're saying is more than flawed. I'm just the host of this show and I have a captive audience of millions. So it doesn't really matter. You know what I mean?

Oh, God. Yeah, Biden's not going to do it. Biden doesn't want my vote. Guess I'm writing in Jill Stein again. Working on some new legislation. It's about being able to pee in your pants and no one judge you for it. And you just see me just like one standing up like a Norman Rockwell painting of the guy who went to the town hall meeting just like, yes, that is my president. Your crotch is just so covered in piss. Just days worth of piss. I just...

Covered in flies. Thank you, sir. Finally. A great American, Mr. Biden. I stick a gun in my mouth and blow my brains out. Oh, no. The one man the law was for. I remember telling you about the time I was on the subway and I saw a guy pee in his pants and then he was peeing so hard that the pee just started like shooting out of his pants. That's a crime. Is it? Saw the pee.

Let's get to some news stories. That's a good stream. Having a good stream is not a crime. Well, I want to hear from our police officers, listeners. I love when I'm standing next to someone with the urinal and I can tell they got a weak stream. Oh, yeah. Just fucking. I'll fucking. I'll pee the shit out of this pee. Since I started on blood thinners, my piss stream is thicker. Yeah. So for that, I'm thankful. I've started taking vitamin B just so my pee could be more yellow.

And it's been great, by the way. It's been a lot of fun. This is what 40-plus-year-old white men do in order to not become MAGA. Okay? This is just what they do. All right? So you need to allow him to do this. My pee was too clear. Fucking hopped up on vitamin B. Make it orange. Nothing like it. It's like, because it's fun. It's something new. Something else.

All right. I don't know why my pee was getting so yellow and I did some investigating and it was the vitamin B. I didn't think it was real. All right, here we go.

Couple things. Number one, found out what a mistrial is. So they do have to start from the very top. So Karen Reid, they're doing the whole thing all over again. Nothing else has really come out of it. We know that the head investigator from the story, the one that was investigating her actual, like, what happened, he's been either sort of, like, fired, but, like, cop version of fired. I think it's like a priest version of fired, technically. Suspended without pay. But I believe he's getting a job somewhere else. They're, like...

They're just moving them. They're getting them out. So we will cover that case again when it comes back up. But for now, Karen Reid is a free woman and very attractive. So you never know. She does need somebody to hold on to. Now, what I did hear, see, is a lot going on here. I'm not trying to advertise for it. Because we do know one previous person under a lot of scrutiny is, you know, she took the law into her hands like you're suggesting. They can call her Karen Peed.

Wow. See? Biden, are you listening? Are you listening? Are you listening? Are you my son? You know what we were talking about before? It'd be crazy if he had tried to fuck Hunter. Yeah, if he tried to fuck Hunter, that'd be wild. Kind of fun. Well, I don't think it's fun when a father tries to fuck their son. Personally, I don't find that fun. Again, it's just anything but bore me. Yeah, no, it's definitely exciting.

But the other guy tried to fuck his daughter, so that's fine. That's fine. That's what we got. That's why we have him involved. Now, this next one is that one of my favorites, favorite of the show, friend of the show, she hasn't gotten back to us in a minute, but we want to say congratulations to

Gypsy Rose Blanchard. Yeah. She's pregnant with, I believe, five Rottweilers. No, no, that is not true. That's not true. Gypsy Rose Blanchard is pregnant. She's expecting a reverse baby with her very lucky boyfriend, Ken Urker. Now, we know this because she posted an extremely, I mean, like, we're only following this. I mean, fuck her. This is our version of page seven, by the way.

This is how we're paid seven. And so she put up, you say, fuck her. I don't know. I just feel like it's very, she is being very, very extra recently. She posted a thing on Instagram. She is very public with Instagram. As we know, for those of you that don't remember Gypsy Rose Blanchard, she was recently released from jail for basically being an accessory of murder to her own mother.

where she convinced and essentially seduced someone from inside of a horrible scenario where she was being treated like a sick child by her mother in a Munchausen by proxy type scenario. We now know that I believe that it's now called like facetious symptoms disease, whatever the new term for it is. But the idea that the mother was obsessed with keeping her sick

and young and they got a lot of money from stuff like videos everything every single type of charity they got money for they got a home given to them they got all this type of stuff and so Gypsy Rose Blanchard she was in jail for a period of time because she worked with a young man that she had met over Facebook where she essentially convinced him to help her kill her mother

He did. And now she's out of jail. So she was originally, she had a guy she was with in jail. Now, the reason why we are... Big fat man. Big fat guy. Well, I mean, it's true. I'm a big fat man. I'm allowed to say it. It's just that she was really splintered. I think he seems nice. She did not have much of a childhood and she wasn't around a lot of social media. So now she's really into it. And so she posted a thing, which is sad. She came out with this guy and then she said, then she got back with the

first boyfriend she had in jail, Ken Urker, that is now the father to her child. But she posted on Instagram where she posted a picture with her first dude that she got out of jail with saying, first you have to kiss a couple of frogs. And then went over to Ken Urker in the same picture to get your prince. Yeah, which is fucked up. Dude, I mean, you know, like the guys are already fucking missing you, gypsy. Yeah, and he was with you through.

through prison. So was Ken Urker and so were several women because she also had many lesbian experiences in jail as well, she said.

I think it's fucked up. It is. I'd say, honestly, it's fucked up. I lost all respect for her. He had a food hoarding problem, which is why she didn't want to be with the first guy. And that's why she was going to be with the second guy. But she's putting him on blast. And I just feel like Gypsy Rose Blanchard needs to just understand that fucking lens comes around many different ways. Because her first husband, he's missing her heart. All right. He's missing her heart and he wants you back, Gypsy. And I want you, if I could get her, who was her first husband? Ryan. Ryan. I'd like to invite Ryan onto the show.

And I want to get Gypsy onto the show. And I want to hash it out. And I want to get them back together. So if I can get any representatives of Gypsy Rose Blanchard or her former husband or her new husband to email sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com, I would like to give my marriage advice to Gypsy Rose Blanchard because I obviously, of all of our marriages, I'm the best at it.

But is Ryan still married to her? No. They got divorced. They got divorced. They did get divorced. Yes. I know they split. But Ryan Anderson, he's out there. He's like, he's doing his talk as Jericho. He's hanging out with Jericho. He got in a meet and greet with Jericho. Yeah. That's pretty good. But he only got that through Gypsy. He's looking super sad.

I'm feeling for him, man. Look at him. He's so sad in all these. He seems like a nice guy. It seems like a dude who's available. And if someone was smart enough, they'd pick him up. I actually think he's a fucking capital W weirdo. But I think that that's fine. Yeah. Yeah. I think that same thing. The other guy. But it is sad because he's doing the he's turning into one of my Instagram goblins.

Oh, you like very, very quickly. You follow him? I follow all of this. Oh, okay. Yeah. I love all of this. I only talk about it or learn about it right before the show. No, no, no, no, no. I'm deeply involved. I walk, I got my fin stuff where I post my b-hole pics for Russian prison, guys in Russian prison, which I know that's a whole, an outreach, helping them defect because my whole thing is being like, you want this Ukrainian hole?

you need to come for this Ukrainian hole. You know what I mean? And they're like, oh my God, you're right. This war is wrong. So I've been doing my part. That's nice. And that way, but then I use that account to sort of follow people. Then I don't want them to know that the illustrious comedian Henry Zabrowski has now entered the room. When they, when I follow people like this, everybody scrambles. And that's Dr. Fantasty.

Yes. Yes. Everybody scrambles. They just are so, they can't believe I'm there. But Gypsy Rose, again, we're looking forward to you. You said you pulled up her registry? Yeah. She has her baby registry. Where is it? Well, Daily Mail has found inside Gypsy Rose Blanchard's very pricey baby registry. It is. I tell you what, you know what's nice about her? She knows her worth. Yeah. Well, she is estimated to be worth $3 million. Wow.

What? How? How? Who would give her this? I think maybe she sold TV rights or something like that. Yeah, there's no way. That was a lump sum she got at some point. Yeah, I don't think she still has $3 million. Because, yeah, the Discovery Plus show is not paying her $3 million. Yeah, also, yeah, a lot of these things where you go to someone's net worth. Oh, yeah, it's all fake. It's all wrong. Mine said $3 million. I was like...

Where is that version of me? Her involvement in documentaries, book deals, and talking about her experiences. Yeah, and then she got chunk. She got social media money. Yeah, the chunk of social media money. All right, that makes sense. Yeah, because she's got 5 million followers on Instagram. Never mind. That does make sense. Yeah, but she's asking for a $600 stroller, a $400 bassinet. Ooh, bassinet and a stroller. Can't you just get a bucket? Yeah, I know. Bassinet, I mean, you can get a cheaper one. What are bassinets? It's like, kind of like a

It's like you put your baby in and it kind of bounces up and down. Oh, that's a bouncy table. It looks more nice. It's got lace over it or something. They just attach bungee cords to my diaper. Yeah, they just jump up and down. Yeah, it rocks them.

So, yeah, on Ashley, you can get one for $149. It seems like a steal. Yeah, the most expensive item on our registry is a $600 Chico Modular travel system. Oh, yeah. Travel systems do cost money. Yeah. I did get one for Craig Rowan when he had his child. Did you spend $600 on it? No. Never. There were thousands. A $320 monitor? That's a walkie-talkie.

Yeah, I mean, if you want a good monitor. It doesn't seem that crazy. I think they're just trying to make... Daily Mail loves to fucking... They are pumping it up. Yeah, they're a piece of shit. I think a baby monitor for $320 is actually quite a lot of money, but... You think so? I mean, it's got a little TV screen on it. I mean, they all... You're supposed to have a fucking TV screen on it. Right? Exactly. Because how else are you going to see the baby? How else are you going to see the ghost stealing your baby's soul as it's sleeping? Yeah, well, there's multiple bassinets. This is $400. Yeah, I told you. She's having five Rottweilers.

It is amazing. And I just, I can't wait for her. Oh, and the Grogu baby. Lots of Grogu stuff. Big fan of the Grogu. Can't fuck him. Make sure he knows that. Can't fuck him. We need to learn that. Bill Belichick, though, will still fuck this child no matter what. He may use the force, but you can't. Bill Belichick is having sex with the lady version of Grogu. You know, I'm hearing you. I'm hearing you.

I'm just sorry. I just accidentally had the pictures of Bill Belichick with his new girlfriend up next to it. And it does look like a man who is stealing the soul of a child. Well, may the consent be with her. She is loving life, man. You just got to fool me. It's still better than Anthony Kiedis to me for some reason.

What's worse, Bill Belichick or Anthony Kiedis? Bill Belichick, only just because Anthony Kiedis is technically a rock star. Yeah, he's kind of cool. He's got a huge cock, even though he wears the stupid Charlie Chaplin hat. But then his father, yeah, was a weird guy. Bill Belichick, it's just the idea. There's nothing cool about him. Even though he won six Super Bowls, he's still like a fucking asshole. Well, just the concept of, like, I can imagine...

I'm sorry. What happened? Kissing Anthony Kiedis. Like, I can imagine a kiss from Anthony Kiedis. Being exciting, at least. I've just been like, oh my god, you know, I didn't like so much the last couple albums, but I remember the old ones. Like, that's cool. I'm sure she likes the new ones, and that's the problem. Yes. But then Bill Belichick, can you just...

Imagine what it'd be like him. You're laying in there. I remember when you were coaching the Browns. He's there and he's just lifting up. He's like, you know, Tom. Tom never looked like this. He's looking at her vagina being like, Tom and I never did anything like this. Tom always had to be in control. He's a horny dog, though. Remember during the season when he got caught on that ring camera?

In the middle of the football season, he was leaving some lady's house. He had a one-night stand. Who? Bill Belichick. You know, I may be wrong. This is what we were talking about before the show. It's true. Maybe I'm wrong. He could have an almost... Again, this is not to connect to the crimes, but an Epstein-like sex drive. If he does have something like that where he's got to get his fucking junk squirted three times a day, then maybe that makes sense. But it does look like

He looks like he is outside with his nurse, which I guess is good for him. And also, baby monitors are that expensive, so that's really fucked up. All right, well, I think you owe Gypsy a present from all the time you talked about her. I owe her a present if she comes to this studio. If Gypsy Rose Blanchard comes to this studio. You're going to give her the address? Yes. Yeah.

Oh, 72 to 24. That is like the same difference as Anthony Kiedis and his girlfriend. It is, but one is Anthony Kiedis and one is the former coach of the Patriots. You know what I mean? It's different. Anthony Kiedis' friends are cooler. You can go do fun things. I'm looking at them frowning at the Nantucket July 4th parade, Bill Belichick and his child. It's just the saddest, weirdest thing. He just looks like he can't find the ice cream store.

Do you think he got this chick after the roast? I think that, yeah. You think the roast helped him land her? Does she need a way out? Two weeks ago was the first time they've been seen out together. Dude, the roast did this. Yeah. Yep. Bumped him up. Netflix. Wow. Netflix did this. Wow. You know who did this? Tom Segura. Wow.

brought this to him unbelievable disgusting that that would happen is he older than her father he must be i think her father is probably dead i think that is her father yeah giving him to her giving her he's so excited he's got to be a patriot oh yeah he's just he's just like so old the flight gate was a piece of shit right you know i mean i'd let don shula fuck my daughter

I know he's dead and I don't have a daughter. Yeah. But now that we're talking about it and really like feeling it out. I'm not letting anybody fuck my fake daughter. Really? Nobody. Nobody. That seems worse. Nobody fucks my daughter. All right. I don't care. I have a fake daughter. But guess what? She's going to live to the fake age of 15. What about Wes Craven? Would you let him fuck your fake daughter? Yeah, actually. That fast. That fast.

We've talked about nothing. All right, let's get into this next thing. We were not supposed to talk about going to this side world, but it's hard. One thing I have learned from my reading of this week was that don't hold in your fucking sneeze. No. So that was one of those science things I did not believe. So here comes, this is a listener letter.

Wow.

They filled his eyes with air in order to reattach his pupils. Don't hold in your sneeze. Don't hold in your sneezes. Number two. After mentioning the guy who sneezed his own guts out, I wanted to mention my dad's story. He held in his sneeze. It's always the dad. It's all dads. You know what's weird? I feel like Julie and I were talking about this the other day.

Almost everyone I've known that's died has been a dude. It's all dudes. It's all dudes. Believe me, buddy. It is all dudes and it all happens in wild, fun, new ways. Fly from your grave.

Hey, listeners, love this pod and want even more? You can be the first to unlock exclusive bonus content, early access, and ad-free listening to the latest podcasts from your favorite shows. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast Plus on our Apple Podcast Show page or the SiriusXM app now. All right, so this other guy, he held in a sneeze.

And a few hours later, he got a brutal headache like most old guys. He didn't go to the doctor, but it got so bad, my mom took him to urgent care where they immediately rushed him to the ICU at a local hospital where they specialize in strokes and aneurysms. Basically, his doctor said that brain aneurysms are like getting a hemorrhoid in your brain, but when it eventually pops, you drop dead. They did allow laparoscopic surgery to put an implant in his brain to stop it from popping, and after a week heavily sedated, he was Gucci.

All right. So don't stitz. Don't hold your stitz. Stitz. You must stitz. Yeah. You've got to stitz. Also, big note from the surgeons. I asked last week about bringing your own kidney to an emergency room in order to get it replaced inside of you because you need one. And I said it actually sounds like a really good idea to be like, okay, go and get your own kidney. They don't ask a lot of questions.

It turns out that was incorrect. Yeah. And that they really have, like, many questions. Yeah, yeah. Lots of rules. And a lot of rules. And you can't just show up with a cooler full of organs. They're not going to do anything. And they're probably going to call the police. Mm-hmm. So, yeah. Did you see the lady who got a pig kidney died? Yeah. Lisa Pisano of New Jersey. You know, I mean, she was praised for her decision. We all are. You know, to try it out. Thank you.

for trying to see if you could have a piggy inside you and live. She got it in April. We've been doing them for a while. Three months. We've had baboon hearts in people. I know the pig organs, they are trying to, because we say apparently we do generate very similar organs. But she did, yeah, I mean, she was older.

I love the picture they use of hers just like in a hospital looking at her. Playing Angry Birds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No picture of her with her family or like after surgery. Yeah, just a picture of her looking at her fucking phone. That is really very sad. It says here she's looking at pictures of her dog. She's showing the nurses pictures of her dog. So that's nice. Oh, great. How about pictures of the fucking pig?

Fucking saved their life. He's dead. He's fucking dead. Yeah. Three months though. He's fucking, I ate him. I know, I think it's huge. Three months on a pig kidney. I think that's huge. So I think we're getting there. Know what we need to do? Start getting these pigs hammered, get their kidneys used to pumping booze through them, and then we can start putting them in. Season them. Like a cast iron skillet. Yeah. Where we want them to get them used to how we are going to treat them. So we give them, like, they need to eat

Bacon. Olive oil. Yeah, and olive oil. A pound of olive oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a pound of pigs. Fill olive oil. See how those work. And booze. You're right. It blows some weed in its face. Oh, for sure. So it works, but it don't work. Yes, not yet. But soon. Much like warp drives. This isn't the first time it happened. This is not. Oh, so warp drives. I want to talk about this. This is a little science corner. Science corner. Science corner.

Science Corner, in which none of the science, I understand. Has been done. Yeah, and we have not, and it's all theoretical. But what they're saying is, I love this, because this is full-on sci-fi shit. This bothers me, but we'll get into it in a second. Warp drives are looking like they are going to be a physical possibility. Now, what is a warp drive?

This is a thing that's come up in sci-fi for a long time. It's flying through space at the speed of light. Well, that's like one. There's one version. We want to say that we can maybe do that. Yes, that we'll pop it up. There's also the idea of doing something along the lines of folding space. We do something where you poke a hole through one end of space and then you can pop out at another end of space. And there's a way to sort of bring two points together, which I...

I don't know how to explain. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. But the math is, what they're saying is for the first time, the math is starting to show that we will not need

X, Y, Z exotic materials to do it. It's a solution of the field equations in the German-born physicist Albert Einstein's theory of general relativity that resembles a tunnel between two black holes or other points in space-time. So you'd be driving a shortcut across the universe. It's a wormhole. And what they're saying right now, it is a wormhole. And right now they're saying we just have the ability to do subluminal version of it, which would mean lower than...

Basically, we might be able to shorten the distance, but it still will take an extremely long amount of time. Yeah. But what we're basically saying is that we will not need to come up with a new material to do it. They're saying that they believe that what we can make, like what we have in our hands, is enough to make one of these things. We just have to come up with novel ways of using the material and novel science.

in those worlds. But he's just like, it used to be just straight up a 0.0 possibility that it could be anything. But now the physics is showing that it's, they're, they're, we're like, again, nowhere near close. Yeah. But it's possible. We're not seeing this in our lifetime. Oh, no, no one will ever see it because the climate changed.

We'll never see it. Humankind would have to decide as a group that we liked and trusted science and that we would want that to continue on into the future. Everyone's shown that they hated science. Yes, very much so. They hate science. They distrust science. So we're not going to. So we were maybe going to do that. This is Star Trek.

We could delete that. We're not going to be in Star Trek. Yeah. Well, I mean, going real fast, warp speed. Like, to me, I understand the folding of two points, which sounds like it's impossible to me. It is. Because how are you going to get to the other point from here? It's about, it's saying, what Albert Einstein is saying is that theoretically there are like, there are natural, in their words, tunnels that connect these black holes. So you would be using those tunnels to travel.

You would just be, but it might seem instantaneous. But wouldn't there be other shit in the tunnel? Who knows? We have no idea what's in these tunnels. There's a fucking asteroid in the tunnel. You're fucked. I have no idea. Or does everything get destroyed? That's where they're, one thing is, do you- Do planets get folded in with it too? They do. We know things get swallowed by black holes. The, the,

one of the main issues of a contention is that if something is swallowed by a black hole, this is a thing we've been talking about for a long time. Is it destroyed when it goes into the hole? What they discovered not that long ago, which I do believe is true, is that they have found that when something enters into a black hole, it actually does not get destroyed. It's something else happens.

So this idea that maybe you go through a black hole and you pop out some other place. Another dimension? You show up in that closet with Matthew McConaughey. Yeah. Like, who knows? There's ideas that something could happen. Because that's what they say. It's an information paradox. We covered a little up. Because the main, one big contention of physics is that information can't be destroyed in a black hole for a long time kind of thing.

said, well, no, in a black hole, everything gets destroyed. And now they're saying, no, actually, we're starting to see that there are informational artifacts on the surface of a black hole after things have entered into it. So it's like an unbreakable piggy bank. We don't know what the fuck it is, but we assume it's a hole. Yeah, of course it's a fucking hole. Yeah, but we don't know where the hole goes to. Goes to nowhere. Or it goes somewhere.

And that's where we will send Rosie O'Donnell.

Straight into the center because they need to daytime talk show. She's, you know, I mean, like, God bless Rosie, by the way, for, like, always being the butt of the joke. Ah, she'll take. She's fine. I love her. Yeah, she's fine. She's cool. You met her, right? No, never. I wish. Yeah, she's supposed to be nice? I mean, if she likes you. Yeah, that's what I heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just feel like she wouldn't like me now. No, I think there's a chance she'd like you. I don't know, buddy. What cast her as your wife?

I'll take it. Is that what we need? This is another thing inside science. So I've explained nothing. You've explained nothing, but it's fine. SideStoriesLPOTL at gmail.com. Explain it to us. You guys are good at it. Honestly, you know what? Please don't. I'm fucking done with talking about warping and wormholes. It just doesn't matter. It's so counterproductive to the shit we need to make sure happens on Earth. Well, the thing is, the stuff that's happening on Earth is going to keep these things from happening.

So, that's, that'll, we're gonna run into that very soon. Probably. And there's another one. I actually, you and I got into a disagreement about this story. Yeah. Because this is new, too. This is about, this is part of our science corner. It's a thing called Cognify, which is this idea of a prison of the future. Like, you would go into this place, like, you experience a crime, and the idea is that you would go in. And they totally recall your brain. Essentially. Like, where you would lay in a pod, and

And then this theoretical system called Cognify would scan your brain. And then what it would do, it would go to the area where, like one example, it's essentially an AI-generated image machine, like a headset, that would be completely stratified to your brain.

And so, like, let's say you murdered somebody. What they think that they could do is instead of you going to jail for your whole life, what if instead you went to this booth where you would experience 50 years of jail in this booth, but and you would have your memories like stuff like over this, whatever, like it would feel like it's happened over 50 years.

And you would feel as if you are maybe, you know, in the hands of the, like, you're from the perspective of the person you murdered. Yeah, no, no. You wouldn't feel like 50 years. You'd feel like you were murdered. Or you were raped. Or stuff like that. They said that. Or the idea of maybe that you are in jail for a long time. And that they would then use imagery and various gene stimulation and neurological stimulation in order to change your memories to...

to be memories in which you don't like to murder and memories in which you don't like cocaine. And that you would do these and that it would fix you. And that essentially, instead of going to jail for your life, maybe there's some theoretical world where you go in and there's memory therapy that changes those ideas in your brain and then you're released back out like five days later. Oh yeah, so instead of actually rehabbing you, they just fucking give you PTSD. No, they fix it.

it. I don't think that's fixing it. I believe technically you'd call that a spark plug change. But that's the idea. Then you understand what you've done.

Yeah, but why are you out for five days? You're not fixing the problem. No, but now, I mean, I feel like it's not going to work like this. And then one of the main issues is like, how does memory replacement affect the human activity? Like, how does it affect you literally, the fabric of the physical nature of your brain? It's going to make us all stupid. We're going to think things are real when they're not.

It's already there. It's already happening. But this is... Obviously, we're far from here. Many people are fighting this idea. And I'm not even... I just think it's fascinating. I know that they have done studies that they have replaced memories in mice...

Which is fucking cool How would you know? They said it How would you know? You can't ask a mouse I saw it in an article I saw it in the article, dude The article said it They said they did it in mice And they also said they figured out how to code a picture into DNA And put it into bacteria You put new DNA into bacteria? Well, they made pictures out of DNA

Inside of bacteria. This is fucking stupid. It's new. I know it's new, but like the mouse thing is so flawed. Well, we don't know.

Sidestore is lpotl at gmail.com. We don't know. I looked that up, and it said something about how it turned bad memory into a happy memory, and I think it was about playing with those little mice balls. But they do a thing where they use some kind of brain thing. Give this to the victims. Let them feel like they weren't assaulted. No. Why are we doing this to the guys who did it? No, we don't want to. No, Eddie. That's who needs this. We're trying to change. How do you put it? I feel like with them, it would be the opposite. Take the memories out. Yeah.

Yeah. Make them good at basketball. No, you can't. You don't become good at basketball through memories. I feel like it's one or the other. There's no exercise involved in that. We use the fake memories to make the murderers feel bad, but we use it to make the victims have new skills. So if the new skills, we give them stuff like teach them how to play the piano, teach them how to talk Chinese. I don't.

I think that's how it works. Why not? We're already doing it. We're in there. The hood's up. I mean, honestly, if you can just teach me Chinese in an hour, I would totally sign up for that. This is what we're looking at, buddy. This is like the Matrix. I would do that. I think this is going to happen. Don't recall Demolition Man shit. That's weird to me. Yeah. But if you could go in and they can give you a language. But how do you think that we are going to learn how to use this technology if we don't use it on people for a certain period of time? What language would you pick?

Chinese. You think Chinese? Oh, yeah, because we're going right there. If you, me, and Marcus could learn Chinese, that's where we're starting the next podcast network. China? Yeah, buddy. No, yeah, we got to move to China. No. I've been begging. Rob, you want to go? I'm down. Rob's ready. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all ready for purchase for China. I'm ready to go. Brazil sounds so much nicer. No, I want to go to China. China doesn't have nice beaches. The government's going to get us. They're going to get what we do here. Okay? Because we're CIA operatives. Yeah. Yeah.

And so you think that'll be welcome to China? Oh, yeah. They'll tell them everything they want to know. You're a bad operative. That's my fucking, that's my sitcom. Bad operative. Sorry. He's getting fucking shot to death. He's not evil, he's just bad at it. I've never been good at keeping a secret. Obviously, this is very controversial and everyone's going to be angry. Even just talking about it, everybody's angry, but I do think we should think about it.

Because I feel like there is tech within this that will be very interesting for the future. And I actually think that memory, fucking with memory is way less invasive than fucking with our genes. And so if we can fuck with our memories in a way to make us better versus trying to do gene therapy, because I think gene therapy is also extremely experimental. Who is he? Eddie Toons.com.

All right, how long have we been talking? 43 minutes. Okay, good.

All right, so we got this. We got a couple of these. You want to do some more stories? Do you have anything else? We did an hour, almost an hour of updates. The Lobster's.

Buddy! This is what's going on. I mean, this is almost to the point where we talked about this. This type of thing must have always happened. And now that it's become a regular news thing. Has it become a regular news thing? You and I are the only people covering this. Yeah. No one's covering this as if this is a thing that is actually... This is a spree of meat piles. No.

But this time they've gone too far. I don't know who would waste this much fucking lobster. It makes me angry. Now, this is in, of course, it's in Canada. Now, this takes place in Ontario. They're looking for someone who dropped a large quantity of lobsters. They were found dumped alongside Highway 17 near Bonfield. Now, according to Constable Renee Taylor, oh, it did look like an abundant number.

Probably over a hundred lobsters are there.

I mean, a tank, like a filter broke and they were stuck with a bunch. That's a lot of lobsters. Who's taking them out all the way here? But why not just dump them back in the ocean? At least then, like, animals would eat them that should be eating them. I don't know. Here, like, a bear is going to get a belly full of bad lobster. I feel like it doesn't matter, you know? I don't know. They're saying, like, the police are asking for your help.

According to Renee Taylor, you know, there were elastics on the lobsters. And it's unknown at this time if they were Starbot or where they're from. You know, a lot of us are wondering if they put the elastic bands on there themselves. Like little Nazi armbands. A lot of us are wondering if this is the SS all over again. Little Nazi lobsters organizing a vote for a conservative government under Trudeau.

And she's mad, right? Because she's saying they're going to decompose there. It's going to create odors and animals are going to come out of the forest because of this dumping and littering. So with regards to putting these lobsters there, it's causing a risk. It is. All right. No, it's not something we see or deal with. It's something we don't see often. There's not planets and lobsters outside of my home each day.

I don't know where the lobsters came from or where the lobsters are going. All right? But they want some information. Oh, who could help us find the origin of the lobsters? Who dumped them? I mean, look for whoever has a broken filter. Whatever seafood restaurant is fucked. They were also partially steamed. Oh, they were partially steamed? I mean, look at them. They're partially... They're pink. No, they're not. They're brown.

I'm looking at pink. I'm looking at brown. We're looking at the same picture. You got doo-doo eyes. I mean, Lord knows. But no, those aren't. No, look at the little pink claws and stuff. But look at the rest of their fucking bodies. You want to call them partially steamed? I've worked in kitchens. The whole thing steams. The claws don't just steam and then the rest. They look like that. I don't mean to set them off.

I'm just a lowly reporter here that just asks questions. It all turns red. All I am is a man stands between the truth and the audience deciding, will I scare them again today? The shame of this is lobsters live forever.

If they're not killed. Lobsters, it's not like they're fucking volunteering at the hospice. I know. You know what I mean? It's not like you're ruining the neighborhoods. If you're going to kill a lobster, eat it. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, I agree. Of course. I agree. I think that this is a massive waste of food. It's very, very sad to do, and it's bad for the environment. This is number three that we have covered in as many weeks, guys. This is...

Has to stop. Yeah. I think there was just like a power outage at a place that was housing lobsters. How many more excuses are we going to make? Like how many more? It's not an excuse. It's just what happened probably. It's all I'm hearing. But why not put it in the dumpster? Why drive it to the middle of the woods? These guys are copycatters. And there's something, there's a message here that we're missing. There's something that we're supposed to understand implicitly about these piles. And I don't know what it is.

I think they should be in driveways. If you want to send a message, yes. Yeah, I think that's, you know, if I have 100 dead lobsters in my hand. But it's also interesting the fact that they would go to so many lengths to hide this pile of lobsters. Yeah. But then it's still found. Like, what's happening? I remember, I accidentally killed a lobster once when I was on mushrooms, and I ate it. No, I remember your story. Yeah, I got a couple. You carried it around in a pitcher of water all night. That was a different one. That was a lobster I won that they should have never given to me.

You know, a lot of this just sounds like internalized guilt. Well, that one is. Yes. The second one I ate. So I feel no guilt on that one. Well, they can't think. I think they can. Well, they're not. Not well. You can't make a lobster a pet. Yeah, you can make anything a pet. If you have a tank, why not put a lobster in it?

Yeah, I guess so. A fish could be a pet. A lobster could be a pet. It ain't going to last long in my house. Certainly not. No, no. I won't eat my dog, but if I have a lobster as a pet, one day I'm going to be like, so can we eat him tonight? You know what I would do constantly? What?

Replace the lobster Because Natalie would never know Natalie would never know I would just replace the lobster each day And just eat the lobster secretly at night Henry your feet are getting huge Yeah I noticed there must be some kind of Something wrong with my feet ointment or something Oh my ankles Are simply inoperable Where's some butter I bought eight sticks of butter earlier this week

Where's all the butter, Natalie? Chomping. I'm just eating it cold. What is this? Lobsters can be interesting pets, but they require a lot of care and consideration. Salvador Dali famously used to take a lobster around on a leash. Do you remember his lobster telephone? That's fucking cool. It was cool. I saw that in St. Pete. Salvador Dali Museum. Compatibility. Pregnant women, children under five, and the elderly and people with compromised immune systems should consult a doctor before getting a lobster as a pet.

It's in a tank. Who gives a shit?

Who the fuck cares? What, a pregnant woman can't look at a lobster? It's just going to make her too hungry? It might snap at her belly button. It's just going to turn into a big pickle like a cartoon? Yum, yum, yum. And the five is going to pinch her in its nose. Lobsters need a large aquarium with lots of live rocks and crevices for hiding. If you have a lobster for a pet, you own a sizzler. That's not a house anymore. You can get a lobster as a pet from the grocery store. Toss a couple of shrimp in there. Might as well get some scallops.

I love scallops. I know. It's going to be empty. They're so good. This is going to be empty. That place is going to be empty. We don't have any shells. Man, I ate so much. They're going to follow the shells to your bed and you're going to be like, oh no, I ate my friends. Oh my, oh my sea friends. My, my dream villain to be is the walrus, the walrus.

That eats all the little oysters? Oh, yeah, the best. In Alice in Wonderland? Yeah, because they're all big, all thing-like, because they're begging. Because you get to play with them and shit. Yes, you're Armin Mivas. And then you eat them. Yes, that's Armin Mivas. Well, no, I mean, they didn't know they were getting eaten. They were happy to be consumed. They were happy to go along and dance, but they didn't know they were dancing to their death.

Seems like there should be a lesson in there. There is. It's a fable, but I want to be the bad guy. He just wants to eat oysters. He just wants to eat a pile of sea fish. That's what he likes. Yeah, that's Eddie. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know what? I've never, honestly, now that you're talking about this, the reason why this is always- They're all babies, too. Yeah, they're all baby girls. That's the funny thing. I think it's-

really... Now I realize it's fucking disgusting. Also, he's a walrus. Why does he have normal human teeth? Give him tusks. I don't know. They're all just baby girls. So the fact that he's just eating a bunch of essentially fetuses... They're oysters. Yeah, they're oysters. Well, the tiny oysters are better than the big oysters. It looks like he's eating a bunch of abortions with hats on.

Come here, my little Bortis. Ah, little Bortis. That is very close to his voice. Yeah, right. That's pretty good. Ah, sweet, sweet little Bortis. One by one. Just eat you with vinegar. I think we're out of time. We have these other letters we got to do. We have the other, this story. Crimes. Crimes. Oh, we'll get to crimes. This is a crime. Lobster Piles crime. It is a crime. Um, hey,

There was something that I wanted to bring up. Yeah? Oh, yeah, the LaLaurie Mansion's for sale. It's only $10.2 million. $10.25 million. All we got to do is get it together. When you look at that interior, I love that interior. I'm telling you, you got to hit up Das Malkin. We got to try to get there. We got to try to all... Everybody I know with money... If we all got together with money, we could figure out how to get this fucking house. Yeah. I think there's a lot of people that would love to share this. Incredible real estate.

Best part of the entire fucking city. An evil timeshare between you and your rich evil friends. Look at the wine cellar in that fucking place. I mean, that's fucking awesome. Does it come with the wine? No, but it does come with the history of slavery.

Which is really difficult. That is the main issue there. Beautiful kitchen. Wonderful galley kitchen. I mean, it's gorgeous. Yeah, I love the black. It almost seems like it's too nice to be haunted. Well, that's how they made it look. The floors, though, were OG. You could tell. That's really, really nice. There's probably a lot of blood spilt on those. That'd be awesome. The red room that they have, they play a lot of... It's a bit tongue-in-cheek for some of it.

Yeah. Because this is very, it's a bit garish, but I do enjoy it. There's a lot of people that made fun of the inside of it. It should be a hotel with all these rooms. We've talked about this. I've really kind of wanted the idea of turning this into a super haunted house. A dreaded breakfast. Oh, God, that'd be awesome. A scare B&B. It would be so good. We've already, I mean, it already was one. And the ghosts kicked him out. So we'll see what happens. We'll see what happens to the next person who gets this home. But 10.2, I can see it coming down. Because I think he bought it for eight, the original purchaser, after 10.2.

I believe it was Nick Cage.

What's the last guy who owned this? Or was Brangelina? Yeah, I could see you. Maybe Jordan Peele could get a piece of this. Yeah, he's not accepting any of my cutout letters. Yeah. And reaching out to him by leaving weird messages. Yeah, he probably doesn't want to buy a former slave torture place. I think he would be angry. He'd against that. Yeah, I think he'd slap you in the mouth if you asked him that. Well, who's a confederate we could talk to? Hey, Kid Rock. Yeah, Kid Rock. Hey, Kid Rock, give me some money.

Come on, buddy. Figure this out. And also, the other one was, I wanted to ask, what's the difference between, I can look this up, what's the difference between Scruff and Grindr?

I mean, I don't know. I never heard of Scruff before today. Yeah. We were saying the story of a man who was 72, took really good care of himself. Scruff sounds more violent. It does. He was with a man for like 40 years, and then he got catfished by this dude who then took him out. And then him and this woman essentially found out he lived in a really nice house, and they killed him inside the house and tried to take it over from the inside out, which we learned last week from the bear you can't do legally.

Yeah. You can't kill everybody in the house. You don't just get it. But I did want to know that is Scruff more for... Because I know Grindr is for sex, but I do think that they do just date off of Grindr. I think Scruff is for fighting.

Scary. Kiss fighting? Yeah. Different type of fighting? When I think of scruff, that's like what you pick a dog up by. So, well, you woof at people on it. You woof at them. So, this is the drops pulled up. It's very dog-based. And I think that, is it for hairier men? Is scruff for big, hairy men? Maybe it's for, I don't know. There are men that I have seen with my body type that are very popular on the internet. Yeah. And they play with their boobies a lot.

And they don't seem to care. See, these guys all look like nice, here-suit gentlemen. Yeah, I mean, I think this is for the... Wow, that's a crazy position that man's in. That's a heck of a lot of balls he's got. They could do anything, these guys. I think that these men are very... Whoa, he's got that guy with the ankles. What are they doing there? But it looks

What was that guy doing? Was that a missionary? Yeah. What is his term? Oh, he's late for his job at the police station. He better go down there. That's right there, the thin blue line. Yeah, that cop scene. That's the picture I call, and I want to post that on social media. I want to post that picture, the thin blue line. Yeah. Because that shows me, that's our boys in blue getting each other's backs in a way that

That is only depicted in this. Yeah, it just, I didn't realize that they didn't need to have their uniform on to do their job. No, to support each other in such an intimate fashion. Because it is, they are really gripping. Holy, these pleather daddies. Well, you know, I... It's not broke leather daddies or pleather daddies. Well, no, environmentally conscious. Oh, okay. And then also, it's nice for this, they both shave their bodies so the hairs wouldn't get...

caught in their little ringlets. That's good. I hope they're there when they're fucking having to stop the next deal. I hope they'll get married.

I hope so. And then they can have it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right, let's get to some listener lesson. Scruff is enough. I think scruff is intense. Yeah, so I guess that is intense. According to just these pictures of all of these men's balls. Yeah. See, this is the one. This picture, I don't understand. He's fun. I think that this one, he is fun. He's showing he's flexible and he's got a big bulge. Is that what we want? I don't know.

I don't want any of this. But I just find that this is the weirdest...

I think he's very attractive. The only way to describe it is that he is doing half a half a baby. It's a really strange leg position. He's fucking jacked, too. Yeah. A lot of these guys are. He's smiling, but I don't think he's comfortable. I think he is comfortable. He's stretching. He's showing off. Yeah. Yeah, he's like, look how close my nuts are to my asshole. Which is, honestly, you should probably get that checked because his tan is too small.

It's fine. His taint's too small. His penis is too big. And I think he should go to the hospital or jail. I just, you know. I think he should be. Yes. That should be fixed. He's stronger than any dude in any militia. I'll tell you that much. Oh, he would. He'd fuck any of those militia boys up. All Mike Pence is desperate for is for that man to die.

bend him over the glass case of the Bible inside of the White House and have his ass so thickly penetrated by his big, huge infused rod as he comes saying, oh mother, I wish you could see this. He comes out his own dick on top of the Bible. Nothing would make him happier. Nothing? Nothing. Except for having been killed on January 6th. I actually think that would have been his happiest outcome.

And Omar's remembered as a hero. Dude, if you did that, that would be fucking awesome. Yeah, it was the only way people would have like gone out liking him. Oh, of course. If he went out, if Mike Pence had a fucking no shirt on fucking American flag with his head popped through like a doubt show, like the end of fucking like

The good, bad, and ugly. The Caponcho American flag? If he came out with that and two fucking six-shooters he stole from Lincoln Bedroom, just fucking popping off guys saying, you ain't going to kill me. You ain't coming for my mommy wife. Yeah. That would have been fucking huge. That would have been huge. But he didn't. He fucking ran away. Uncle bitch. They should have been there. They should have been fighting. They all should have been fighting. That's their house. It's a long story, guys. I feel like we're in a really fucking...

Jay Johnston. Horrible territory. Yeah, I know. The story of Everest. Yeah, I know. My favorite sketch of all time. The star. Yep. January 6th. Going to jail for a while. Yep. As he probably should. He needs a reset. A look inside. Yeah. Here we go. Here's some listener letters.

This is very interesting. Now, this comes from the story I talked about last week about Shelby Hewitt, the lady that is pretending to be a child for some reason with the help of a therapist. And we don't really know. And again, it's at the very beginning of that story. So that obviously more will come out. Yeah. But this was a really fun listener letter.

Hearing Ed and Henry talk about Shelby Hewitt this week reminded me so much of a very similar experience I had. Back in around 2011, this strange girl, Brittany, started coming to a weekly youth Bible study at my church. When I first met her, I thought she was around my age at the time, but she was actually 12. She often came in in her school uniform with her grade 6 books and homework, so I figured she was an especially developed 12-year-old.

However, the other 12-year-olds found her off-putting, so she hung out with us older teams, like Shelby.

As we got to know her, she opened up about her tragic past, including witnessing her father murdering her mother, being sexually abused by her father and his friends, a severe eating disorder, and serious self-harm issues. Her arms were covered from wrist to shoulder with healed self-harm scars. My heart absolutely broke for this poor young girl. Brittany came to her summer camp, but it didn't take long for her to raise some red flags, including having razors and lighters in her suitcase.

When the camp directors tried to call her older sister, they came to the realization that Brittany was not a 12-year-old girl, but a 25-year-old woman with another name and a social work diploma. Another one, social worker. The police came to take her from the camp, and after a few failed attempts on her part to convince us all it was just a misunderstanding, we didn't hear from her again.

Which I think is pretty...

Probably what we're going to hear about Shelby Hewitt, too. There's something about a loss of childhood that is creating some fascination with childhood later on. But it doesn't seem to involve sexual assault. It seems to evolve just the process of being a kid again and wanting to redo it all. Just become a Disney adult. That's such a better thing. I think a lot of those Disney adults need to stop acting like children. I think the key in that term is adult. But that's the safe way. Adult.

But you're still an adult. Yeah, exactly. You don't become a child. You don't get to go to Disney, murder somebody, and then get treated by the court as a minor. Well, if they die off campus, you can. Only if you've killed a minor and you yourself are nine. Again, and Rob has put up the example of Billy Madison. But everybody within the world, they knew. They knew.

He was a man trying to do it again. That should be allowed and should be encouraged. Yeah, no, that's fine. Oh, yeah. Let a full-grown man go through elementary school. Let him go. We all know he's doing it. Yeah, he just has to say, Zappy Doo. Yeah, he's just going to be like, we have a pee in your pants. It's cool. You can call me Miles Davis. Like at the top of the show. Yes.

Because he knew it's all coming back around. Wow, it is coming back around. Yeah, it's all about pissing pants today. All right, so very scary situation, and we don't know why. And I want to find out more. And I got another email talking about the therapist, Rebecca Bernard, that was involved in this whole thing. And she really, she definitely knew Shelby as an adult. And that she was an adult. If not, she definitely is a bad therapist. Oh, no, well, she's a literal criminal. And we're going to find out how so in the future.

Cool. All right, one more. Ever since I was a child, I was intrigued by the paranormal, extraterrestrial, and all likes of the macabre. Raised by a young mother who taught me to question everything and maintain a relationship with my ancestors. Ghost adventures, ancient aliens, and documentaries of ancient Mexican peoples. My ancestors shared my TV screen and set of other after-school specials and the Disney Channel.

So in the year of 2016, for my 18th birthday, young, I took a road trip from Orange County, California to Tonopah, Nevada. For reference, season two, episode five, Zach Baggins investigates the Mizpah Hotel.

With roads blanketed and almost pitch black, littered with the corpses of bunnies and of the small animals, we reach the Allen Cuthouse. Some brothel with a cheesy theme, connected to a diner and a gift shop. While the gas is pumping, I walk inside the shop to energize myself and the punk-ass driver who decided to stretch an already exhausting drive from four to six hours. The gentleman at the register asks us what brings us to Area 51 at this hour.

I laugh and I tell him it's my birthday and it's my wish to visit a small town referenced in an episode by my favorite little ghost slut. He mentions how close we are to the infamous government land. And again, I laugh it off. There's no way it's not even real. The awkward exchange feels much longer than it is, but I flapped and we pack up our goods and stretched her bones. And once again, embarked on our ghost adventure. And not even in two minutes, I noticed the most incredible meteor shower above us.

We pull over to the side of the road, eat these spicy corn nuts, Mexican candy, and mango monster energy drinks. Our seats are leaned back, looking to the moon roof above us. My dry, sleepy eyes blink and then bright white neon, the white they use to describe death, surrounds us. There's no sound, nothing.

The utter silence you see in movies once the mushroom cloud erupts and begins its descent among the surrounding land. But what it felt like, it felt like minutes. I could feel whatever was left of my being looking around in the slurry of nothingness, slow and delayed.

Reality finally comes back. The clock on the dash beams bright blue-green and reads that it's just been less than a minute. He and I make eye contact, our stomachs touching our assholes, fear forcing the gas pedal to touch the floor of the driver's seat. We race to the safety of our local hotel room, and for the most part, the rest of the trip was great. Until recently, something was opened, unlocked, and I felt compelled to share my story. Now, I do think that it's very possible you got hit with some weird government thing. Yeah, just light? Yeah.

What? They were like, why are you here? And then shine a light on them? Yeah. Super, super powerful, powerful, like beam light, maybe. Then you got to grab that or that, you know, there's some kind of form. Could have had a stroke. I am deeper and deeper into the concept of they really have some form of retroactively built technology that they're actively building and working with. That they have some form of UFO mimicking technology.

And that they are using it. I think that that is very possible. There was probably an alien right behind him. And they were shining a light on the alien. He's just happening in the way. I think it's just as good an explanation as any. Isn't that crazy? Because it's all real. And you can love that fact. There's no such thing as something that's fake if it's not fake to you.

So you can love the fact that, yeah, you're looking at me, police officer, but I'm pissing in my pants. And I'm laughing my way all the way to City Hall because you can't arrest me no matter how much. I think they can tell you you can't go in with your pants pissed. No, you can't. That's people's house. And this people has got pee-pee in his people's pants. And he's going into the people's house with his people's pee-pee in his fucking pants. I'm pretty sure that's what the security guard is for.

If he pisses in his pants, we walk together in solidarity. If he pisses in his pants, he gets fired. If he's caught. It's pretty hard not to catch. If he's pissing his pants in the line of duty. You and I both know that it's funny. And also, he could be pissing his pants. Well, I'll save in everyone.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's one thing. Do you take it against a man? If he saves your life and he pisses his pants during it, do you respect him less? I don't have a problem with anyone pissing their pants. Why have you been fighting me since the very beginning of today? I'm thinking that your idea of victory is not victory. I think that we all as a society need to change what we view a win as. Yeah? Yeah.

Because our lives are so horrible that when something awful happens to us, we didn't think it's a win. You got to begin to like it. That's like saying it's good luck when you pee your pants. Well, right now I'm reading Ryan Holiday's The Obstacle is the Way. So every single thing, you're supposed to say, how can I benefit from this? Is it a self-help book? Yeah, but using stoicism. Really? Yeah. Oh.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah, talking about the idea of like, because I've always heard this. People always say, oh, these business guys are all like, the obstacle is the way, blah, blah, blah. And I didn't know what they mean. Enjoy the process. It's supposed to be a book. It's the same thing. Process sucks. Well, not if you enjoy it. No, I like sitting and doing nothing. No process. Jack thick. No activity from nose up. That's what I like. Total paralysis. Oh, my God. Full of booze and weed. I've been smoking Neaton.

I've been taking Lion's Mane. Yeah, I like Lion's Mane. I take two on days of record and stuff like that. Days I just have to do work, I only take one. But days that I'm off, I take zero. Yeah, I want to be as dumb as... I don't want my brain working at all. If you see me and I don't have to record that day, I couldn't care less about what I'm saying. No, I want it empty. I don't want to learn. I don't want nothing. Nothing. Nothing going on at all. Yeah.

I want to look at my dog. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah, because even that's an obligation. There is sometimes where I'll spend entire days just staring at a wall. Oh, that's my favorite. Yeah. I think that's my hobby. Yeah, just looking at a wall. That's all I do. Yeah. If I'm not working, yeah, I stare. I'm playing BG3 again, playing Baldur's Gate. All right, let's get back into it. We got a lot of stuff to do, guys. Oh, my God. We got some side story shows. Chicago. Come out to Chicago. We are going to be doing an improvised...

Ridiculous show in Chicago. It's going to be extremely different than our main show in Chicago. The Last Podcast and Left Show in Chicago was sold out. Come see Side Stories because we are going to be doing something unprepared. And I think you're going to like it. I think you're going to like it. It went great last time. It did. I was so nervous that it was going to be horrible and it went great. But then you realize, have we ever prepared?

And that's what you just kind of just take it as it is. You're going to see us out there be live. There'll be some. They don't know. They just don't know. We'll just make it seem like it's all made up. But it also will be. But we can act. We can fake like it's not. We can act like we... So I don't even know where you're at in the thought right now. Buy the tickets. Go to TikTok at LP on the left. Go and see all of our stuff on the TikTok.

It's great. Go to twitch.tv slash LPNTV. See us on Twitch. We make new shows. It's all over the place. Good Pud is coming also. It's going to be, we're doing another Good Pud soon, but Hoopagoo Goo. We're doing a run of a brand new game show that we are running. It is on twitch.tv slash LPNTV. Hoopagoo Goo. The game.

With Ed Larson and Amber Nelson on twitch.tv slash LPNTV at 6 p.m. PST. Yeah, we got Jackie Zabrowski is going to be on it this time. And Billy Wayne Davis. Billy Wayne Davis and MJ Neffel. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a lot of fun. Go jigging out. And go to lastpodcast.com. Come and see us live. It's a fun time. Yeah. DC this weekend, baby. Can't wait. Come see us. It's going to be a surprise. I love going to DC. I'm fine with it. Shout out to the Pentagon.

Fuck yeah. Love you guys. Amen. Thanks for the benefits. Five sides or no sides? Yeah, dude. CIA, thanks for the benefits. Oh, yeah. Okay, thank you so much. All right, just so you know, we're helping disturb a lot of stuff. Don't worry, we got it. I got the information. Do you want to tell them about our problem? Our DC issue? So, one last thing before we leave. Never a straight answer.

The company that is paid by our tax dollars to lie to us about space, NASA, has refused to let me enter their building. I was supposed to go in an all...

Not expense tour, but because technically it was a cool thing. They were going to show us around. There's some fans there and they were going to show us around. I was going to go and find out about exoplanets and find out information for you and give it to you. And then they told you no. No, because they called me a so-called conspiracy theorist.

And now what we're going to have them understand is that there's no theories about it. We know for a fact that they're lying to us. And now, well, you know what I know? What do you know? We never went to the goddamn moon.

Oh, yeah, we did. Oh, now I know we did. Well, of course we did. China would have said we didn't. No, China's got as much to benefit from our fucking going to the moon because they can't make it to the moon because they are naturally allergic to space. They just went to the dark side of the moon. No, that's a lie, dude. No one's gone. Moon don't exist. Moon don't exist. Yeah, bro. We're never going to exist.

We're going to NASA now. Fuck you, NASA. No, I like you, buddy. Fuck your bullshit. I like you, NASA. Moon steak. The only thing I like is Saturn. All the rest of the planets are stupid. The moon is hollow. Yeah. And it's not real. And it's stupid. And Venus is small. How do you think it floats? All right. Who gives a shit? All right. So fuck you, NASA. Will allow me in? You think you can keep me out? I know you want me to be calm, NASA. And I know the pan flutes are both for Rob, Eddie, and me.

My doctor, Dr. McGonagall at the horse institute that I go for. I go specifically for people. Horse people. Horse people. Horse doctors. That's where you learn about all their genitalia. But just no horses. No NASA. I want you to know for a fucking fact. I might be calm, but that's just because I'm planning. What are you planning?

He's not planning anything, by the way, NASA. Barely put this episode together. He's a bad operative. Bye, everybody. Bye. Bye, Janker Hoover. Go fuck yourself, NASA. Yeah, fuck you, NASA. Fucking loser juice. Fuck you. Except for the scientists that are involved in NASA. I praise you. Everyone who works there is cool.

I'm going to meet them outside and they're going to tell me all this shit you don't want me to hear outside the building. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guys up top. They're all going to be fired. Fucking cowards. Even just their association with me is going to ruin it. We literally would have just been a fun hang. You guys missed out. I just wanted free seltzer and hopefully a shirt or a hat. I like the ice cream. We can get jack shit, Eddie.

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