Relaxed Fit: The 3rd Decennial Last Podcast On the Left March Madness of Murder
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What was that? Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Mayhem Arena. Today, it's a beautiful, sunny afternoon in Los Angeles, California, and we are here with the Titans of debauchery.

the evil ones themselves. It's fictional and non-fictional villains versus each other in a March Madness style bracket-like competition. Can you even handle the excitement, Marcus? I don't think that today I can really handle any more excitement. I think if I had any more excitement in my bladder, I don't know if I would be able to hold it without wetting myself on live television. And I gotta say, thank you Pampers Adults.

This has been an entire broadcast. Thank you. Thank you, Pampers Adults. Dipsy do pooparoo, folks. That's right. I'm pooping in my pants right now. I got my Depends, and I am ready to shit. You know what I say? If I'm going to shit in my pants, people ask me when. I say, it depends. Let's get into the March Madness.

Last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen. That's what you're listening to. My name is Marcus Parks with Henry Zebrowski, who's on top of it, doing his best to pretend like he knows what sports are. And I'm Cock Vitale. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a good, like, boy-esque name. Yeah.

That's a great name. I know sport. Yeah. You know football. You've learned football this year. I got into football. I like watching the basketball and I like some hockey, but we're keeping up a tradition here. Last podcast on the left, we thought it was really appropriate as a little stopping place between two large series to give you, honestly, we're giving this

you because you asked for it. Yeah, you're always asking for it. This is the third annual, decentennial, last podcast on the left, March Madness of Murder. Now, we're going to have, we have a series of

of guys, some fictional, some not. We're going to pit them against each other and see who wins. This is a 16 seed bracket. We're going to be starting off with imaginary versus real in each bracket. And then of course, whoever wins moves on to the next. And we are going to pick the bracket here live on air. All right. Eddie, how are you feeling today?

I feel hot, I feel sticky, and I'm ready to get icky, baby. Yeah. All right. Our first imaginary villain is the Tall Man from Phantasm. All right. Now, I believe Tall Man, we might have brought him back, but I'm happy to have him because I love the Tall Man. I love the Phantasm series. I think it is undersung and overwrought. Yeah, and he does. Don't forget about that crazy little ball. The crazy ball is a part of it. And also, he's got incredible strength.

Absolutely. And he had, what about the little people that he keeps under his coat? His crew. Yeah, those are his boys. Yeah, it's his boys. Oh, no, we're definitely including crew in this. Oh, very much so. Good, good, good. And he's going to be going up against, let's see here, which real character

Andrew Cunanan. Interesting. Interesting. Yes, that could be two shapeshifters. All right, so it's going to be Tall Man and Cunanan in the first round. Next one up is the puppets from Puppet Master. Okay, now we have, for those of you that are unaware, we have the, you got the Drill Man, Driller. Yeah, what we have is we have Blade.

Jester, Pinhead, Tunneler, Leech Woman, Shredder Khan. We got Genji and, of course, my favorite, Six Shooter. I love it. I actually forgot about Leech Woman. Leech Woman's good, too. Yeah, Leech Woman's wonderful. Standing at one foot seven inches tall and weighing a full two pounds. We are ready to go. I'm interested to see what Shredder Khan does. Let's see here. Next up, we have...

Anton Segura. Okay, now Anton Segura. From No Country for Old Men. Great villain. He's got the thing. Remember, he's got the cattle thing that blows people's brains out. Yeah, the executioner. Yeah, and he flips a coin depending on whether or not he's going to show mercy or not. He makes a decision a little similar to Two-Face. Yes, and I will say, I will say, I know we're not getting into the battle now, but that cow cattle prod is going to be hard to use against seven crazy little dolls. We agree. I agree. And don't forget, the doll's

Also Nazis. And that gives them, so they're messed up. They might even align forces. They're fueled by hate. All right. The next matchup is going to be the Joker. Okay. Now I feel like a lot of people are getting Joker fatigue. We talked a little bit about this yesterday with Holden McNeely, unfortunately, and,

But I will say, if you are going to choose, we haven't had him yet on the bracket. We have not. And I feel like the Joker, of course, you know, he's literally truly unpredictable. Well, that's the thing. The Joker's superpower is his unpredictability field. That's why he can manage to punch Batman in the face. Now, do they do the unpredictability field? Do they do that as just sort of like a...

like a thing to kind of quantify powers for him. Well, yeah, because you had to like, people kept on asking, like, how is it that the Joker, like who's just a guy? Because he's a Joker. And he's very skinny as well. He doesn't have a lot of muscle. He doesn't work out. Like, how can he be, how can he be a match for the Batman and everybody else over and over again on predictability field? Yeah. And it seems like he can hypnotize.

He always has a gang that he influences and they'll do anything for him. You know what that hypnotization is called? A living wage. In Gotham City. That's hard to come by. It's not Jared Leto Joker. No. Are we doing Heath? I think we're doing comic book Joker. We're going to do Alan Moore killing joke Joker. Long killing joke Joker. If anything, Mark Hamill, right?

Yeah, Mark Hamill Joker is also wonderful. Yes. But still, we're going to go Alan Moore killing Joker. Because out of respect for Heath Ledger, I'm not going to desecrate his memory by including him in this. Oh, and it's going to be the Joker versus OJ Simpson. Oh, my God. So Jeff Seed is back. Yeah. OJ Simpson looking for revenge, as always. And I think, who knows? Is the Joker the real killer? I mean, OJ. Nicole Brown Simpson. Yeah.

We'll find out. I mean, OJ made it to the final four. It was OJ versus Candyman. Candyman came out on top. Yes. So we're going to see how far OJ gets this time. Also, I want to say OJ, a little bit of a joker himself. Naked gun, wonderful stuff. Oh, you just mean a comedian. Yeah. Very funny. Very funny guy. Very, very, very funny guy. All right. Next up, we have... Very sick. Very sick.

Yeah. He's very sick right now. It's a rumor, right? Or is it confirmed? It's a rumor. It's a rumor. It's a rumor, but I don't know how much longer he's going to be saying hello to Twitter world. I'm just surprised he goes to the doctor. He's going to be saying hello to the hell world. He wakes up in hell. Next imaginary character we got...

Oh, we're bringing back. This is another top seed, Pumpkinhead. All right. Now, Pumpkinhead was my favorite. I love Pumpkinhead. He's an unstoppable force, again, for vengeance. But what does that do? Poison the person who wishes for vengeance. So remember that. Pumpkinhead is a really good example of that. Ask Lance Henrik.

And he's like 12 feet tall. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's got the reach. He's great. Yeah, he's like Kukoc size. Yeah. Right? And then he can go out there and he's, you know, he's got the gumption and he's an unstoppable killing machine until his vengeance is completed. Were you referencing Tony Kukoc? Yeah, the Kukoc. Yeah, okay. That's good. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. That's nice.

I saw the name earlier today because a guy was describing that Kukoc was saying that before he'd have a game, he'd eat like a full meal, like he'd eat an appetizer. And then he'd have an entree and a bunch of pasta. And then you have a glass of wine and then you'd have a full like a tiramisu dessert and an espresso. And the guy was like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, in Europe, you take you eat the big meal before the game. You take big shit and then you play. Sounds great.

That is incredible. Pumpkinhead is going to be going up against...

Casey Anthony. Oh my God. Yes. Man. I think they might have come up against each other last year. I think it was Casey Anthony and Pumpkinhead in the finals last time. We really need to, and then we're going to get into this because I, oh man, I think he killed her the last time. He's got to kill her again. I don't know. There's no way this is going to make it through. Pumpkinhead hates child murderers. Yes. We know this. And what if George fucking, if he went,

And he was the one who summoned pumpkin head because she was trying to blame the death on him. We'll get into it. Yeah. And she also has the law on her side, which is even worse. All right. So that is the first bracket over on the, let's say the Eastern conference. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go over to the Western conference coming up first.

The Worm from Dune. Now, this was Eddie's edition. This is not mine. El Shalhoub. El Shalhoub sounds like a Mexican restaurant run by Monk. No, it is. It is. Shai-Halut. El Shalhoub. El Shalhoub.

And the worm from Dune is going to be going up against, let's see here, Bonnie and Clyde. Oh my God. This is not going to go well for them. This

the thing is that you have to walk regularly in the desert to not capture the attention of Shia Lube. Bonnie and Clyde. But who's more erratic than Bonnie and Clyde? The issue is that I think that that's going to cause a call a lot of worms. They're very loud. They're very loud. All right. Let's see here. So next up we have on the imaginary side. I've done so much passionate debating this week.

I feel like Ross Perot. Speaking of debating, we debated a lot before the show about this particular subject, the birds. The birds. From the birds and the debate we had, how many birds? Yes. We eventually...

I wanted 200. Eddie wanted 20,000. I think 20,000 is a rational number. See, I was trying to split the difference. We're talking about how many birds does it take to take over an island? I think 500 birds was my choice. I thought 500 birds was like a good round number. Eventually, we settled on 400. Yes. Which I'm mad about, by the way. But it's 400. 400.

Yeah. Exactly. 400 birds is a lot of fucking birds. It is, but not like for spread out over an island. Well, that's the thing. They're not going to be spread out over an island. It's a pack of

A pack of birds. Just the gas station scene alone was 400 birds. A pack of birds. I think you're overestimating the amount of birds it would take to take over an island. I do think that 500 birds is closer to that number. Yeah, side story is LPOTL. If you want to do a little bit of bird math, if you want to tell us how much damage could five... Actually, no, let's say, how much damage could 20,000 birds do? I think that's too much damage. Yeah, that's too much. Where I think that all it would take...

honestly, is a thousand birds. I think a thousand birds is like overkill still. Yeah, no, a thousand birds is way too many birds. You think this until you see it. Remember what happened in Raiders of the Lost Ark? They wanted to do the snake scene. Spielberg was like, let me get a thousand snakes. And they look at it like, that's not enough snakes. He's like, get me another two thousand snakes. And they check it out. He's like, that's not enough snakes. He's like, alright, get me another thirteen thousand snakes. I'm looking at this right now. You know what's funny? Is that even though

We've just discussed this and we've made our decisions already. We can't go back ever. The world's biggest flock of birds, if you look at this, is 10 million birds. Yeah. And I did look it up. A flock of sparrows alone is 10,000 birds. This is what I'm talking about! Okay. All right. So that's sparrows. That's sparrows.

Here's how we're going to compromise. We haven't even gotten to the fight. We haven't even gotten to the actual debate. 10 geese took down an airplane. I saw it with my own eyes. Wait, hey, that was Sully's decision to take it to the harbor. He could have took it around. He could have put it on the fucking runway if he wanted to. All right, so let's say

400 ravens. 400 ravens? 400 really big birds. But there are a lot of seagulls in the birds. Okay. There are ravens. 300 ravens, 100 gulls. Ugh, God, this is still not a chance. How many ravens are in a murder? You can beat them with a tennis racket.

Well, that's a part we'll see. We'll see what their versus. Let's see who they're up against. If 400 ravens were swarming you, you don't have a chance. No. I actually think I could make it, but that's me. That's my confidence. Yeah, that is your confidence. Let's see who their versus. Let's see who the birds are going up against.

Because there's one person in particular that the birds are going up against them. There's no chance. Oh, Chris Benoit. Oh, man, that's going to be good. The crossbird crippler. Yeah.

Chris Benoit versus a flock of birds. Well, if it's a ladder match, they got a chance. Yes. We'll have to set those parameters. Yeah, we'll set the parameters once we get to each one. All right. So the next imaginary one, Reagan from the exorcist. So therefore Satan. Oh, okay. Yes. Or not. No, it's not. It's Pazuzu. Yeah. So I guess Satan would be like the coach. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the Robert Kraft. Yeah, if Pazuzu loses, he's going to have a rough week in hell. So let's say Pazuzu. Do you want to say Pazuzu or do you want to say Reagan? Reagan slash Pazuzu. It's Reagan in the form... Well, because this is how they fight. Pazuzu's using the body of Reagan, so that's what we have to take into account. We also know that Pazuzu, if the other person is willing, can jump from Reagan into the other person. Because he wasn't the priest for a little bit, right? But he also did the, "'Come into me!'

coming to me like you did that so maybe we'll see what we get there we'll see who they're against now let's see who Reagan slash Pazuzu are against Killdozer yes oh man yes

Damn. Yes. Now that's a bit of an uneven match. Yeah. That's uneven. She can scramble up on the side of it. We don't know. That entire police squad could not break into the killdozer. They tried to kill him. An entire town tried to stop Marvin Heemeyer, and he took over, and he had to stop himself like a real American. I've got some theories.

So the last lineup here that we got, we have, oh, this is a controversial one as well.

Mothman. Okay, now Mothman. In the fictional world. The way we put it, this is that, yes, obviously most people view Mothman as non-fictional. I do as well. I think that Mothman is a parapsychological ergo gore of many different thought patterns and that our thought of it actually makes it real, Eddie. So the, but the issue is, is that we needed brackets to fill out. And so my reasoning was like much like how somehow the fucking bear was a comedy.

at the Golden Globes, Mothman filled out the paperwork for fictional, the fictional league in order to get himself in there. Bear gets funnier in season two. I'll say that. And the Mothman isn't real. You'll see. You asked Chicago. All right. And the last one that we have over here on this side, we have boom,

Lord Rael. Lord Rael. So let me ask you. So everything we didn't pick, they just don't make the, they don't even get to play. Well, I kind of fuck things up a little bit because I thought that we needed like, I was like, okay, we need like 16, but it's like 16 each. All right. So it's like eight. It's 16 total. Oh,

Oh, so we're not going to have our Reagan versus Reagan matchup? Yeah. Because we had Ronald Reagan on the other list. Yeah. Do we want to take out any of these? That's the thing is that we can, you know, what we can do is that we can go through these. Because Casey Anthony, we've already done. Yeah. I think Casey Anthony, we've already done. I think we could try to replace Casey Anthony. What if we each get one pull and then one, and we get to replace one of our choosing with whatever you pull? Yeah. All right.

I like this. So these are all fictional. These are all real. We'll do real and fictional. Okay, great. I like this. This is going to be fun. All right. I would like to replace. Okay. Casey Anthony, I would like to replace with Gypsy Rose Blanchard. So now that's Gypsy Rose versus Pumpkinhead. Yes. Oh, my God. Even better. Even better. All right. Okay. Okay.

I have pulled out of the real. Oh, yes. Definitely got a change here. A real, we got Robert the doll I pulled. Yes. Local celebrity. We love Robert. Can I look at the bracket for two seconds? Yeah, go ahead. Yeah. All right. So Robert, we're going, Robert's very real. And so I am going to replace Robert the doll with

Bonnie and Clyde. Oh, okay. All right. All right. So it's shy. Robert, the dog can kill from the inside. And what if, and what, if, what if he was able to talk to him, it will destroy, it will literally be destroyed by the fires within shy. Allude to create the spice that make a raucous, the special place that it is. Cause I, I had a damn good argument for Bonnie and Clyde. I had a real good argument. What is it?

Well, the thing is that I think about this is that they are so erratic that they would accidentally do the steps. And when it actually but then when they actually get the boom, boom, boom to come, because eventually they're going to start shooting off guns because they have to shoot. Yeah. And Shia Lube is brought by noise, noise and loud noises. And I think that if anybody on this list could figure out how to ride the worm.

It's Bonnie and Clyde. They could end up riding the worm. Yes. And they could do the desert parkour. Yeah, they really could. Well, no, because fucking Bonnie's all jacked up. Yeah. All right. I guess she naturally does the desert walking. This is exciting. It's never been done like this before. It's never been done. No, I've never fucked up like this before. This is great, though. I like this. Okay, so I got on the reel. Okay, so here's what I'm going to do. Okay.

What'd you get? I got Ronald Reagan, but I got Ronald, but I made sure to say Ronald Reagan, 1978. Yeah. We're not doing 80. We're not doing Reagan. Yeah. We're no governor. We're doing governor Reagan. So I'm going to replace Reagan versus Reagan from X. And if we're, yeah, it's possible. The only possible way that we're going to do this, Lord Rael,

Oh, replacing Lord Rael. I'm going to replace Lord Rael with Ronald Drake. That's fun because also the reason why we included Lord Rael is a little bit of a tip off of our new series that we're going to be doing is that we are coming back

to some of our old topics that we did that I'm very excited for, but Lord Royale is right on the top of the list and he's still fat and dumb. We were just going to kill him immediately anyway. All right. Now, do we want to do the same thing with the imaginary? I think it's great. All right. Let's see. You can also pick and choose not to enter that, correct? If you think it's better than what we already have, then we don't. Like, yeah, I'm not even going to put mine in. Yeah. I don't really care about it. It was Jigsaw. Yeah, fuck Jigsaw. I don't need it. All right. Let's see it.

Yeah, if I get Godzilla or Jaws, they're in. Yes. Xenu! Oh, Xenu! So Xenu's got to make it. Yeah, Xenu's got to make it. Well, Xenu, what does Xenu replace? Can I see it, please? Sure. Thank you very much. All right, so Xenu, it could go against. No, I like the tall man too much. The tall man, though, I do believe we've done before. I do believe we've done him before. You have? Yes. Okay, so. Yeah. All right.

I'll take out the tall man. Yeah. Tall man for Xenu. All right. We're moving in Xenu. Yes. That's my boy. Xenu's coming in. Bringing the hydrogen bombs into play, dog. See here. Mine is. Oh, another Z. Xenomorph. I was hoping. Xenomorph from the aliens. Xenomorphs. Xenomorphs. Taking all the sleepers. Yes. That is the sleeper.

And I think, okay, here, I think what I'm going to have to do here, I think I'm going to have to, I think I'm going to take out the Joker. Yeah. I think I'm going to take out the Joker. I almost took out the Joker myself. I agree. I entirely agree. All right. Yeah. Wow. Too much going on there. Xenomorph, much better chance than the Joker of taking it all. Oh, yeah. I think the Xenomorph's got a hot chance. Fly from your grave.

Ross has huge savings on looks that are 100% you. So you can find all the styles that match your vibe. From stylish skorts to jersey tees. The trendiest looks of the season will have you saying, it's a yes for me. Plus, they've got shoes to make any fit pop. Be the best dress for less with your favorite picks of the season. Head to Ross and save 20-60% off other retailers' prices. Items and styles vary by store.

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choose your tone, enter what you need and get auto generated text. And that helps you save time. I know I'm sitting on about two literal wheelbarrows filled with horse pics. Now, part of the issue has been is a lot of these pictures are getting stopped at customs because some of them do depict various world leaders in horse-like circumstances that seems to be

pinging a lot of these custom agents accounts. Now, so what I've done to do is like, so while I'm trying to work on hand smuggling these horse picks over various country borders, uh,

I then also have time because Squarespace is doing all the other ad work for me to go and work on my killdozer at home. So thank you, Squarespace, for allowing me to diversify in the best way possible for this country. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial when you're ready to launch. Go to squarespace.com slash left to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So let's hit that theme one last time.

This year's third annual last podcast on the left, March Madness of Murder. Let's check out this bracket here. First round, we have Xenu versus Andrew Cunanan. Andrew, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. And next we have the puppets from Puppet Master versus Anton from No Country for Old Men. Ain't no strings holding them down.

I'll tell you what, it's going to be difficult to get those tiny little heads to get next to that machine, but we'll figure it out. And this is a long-awaited matchup here. Everyone's been dreaming about this one. The Xenomorph from Alien versus O.J. Simpson. Whoa!

It's the Xenomorph. It's the morph versus the juice here today. We cannot wait for that line. His juices are going to be loose as they slit open his belly with their hindclaw. Can you put a glove on a Xenomorph? And this is going to be a big matchup here. There's very much an underdog in this race, but it is a creature of vengeance versus a girl who wants revenge. It's Pumpkinhead versus Gypsy Rose Blanchard. Pumpkinhead!

Pumpkinhead! Pumpkinhead! And on the West Coast bracket, we have the Worm from Dune versus... Hello! Hello!

Robert the Doll. Yeah. Welcome to my party. Don't make fun of my hat. Next up, we have, oh, now this is going to be a very interesting match. I'm really going to look to see what the coach is going to come up on this one. For defense, we have 400 Birds versus Chris Benoit. Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.

You remind me of my daughter. Up next, this is also going to be one where tactics are very important. There's going to be a lot of strategy involved this one. We have Reagan slash Pazuzu versus the Killdozer. Marvin Emeyer, I believe in you. You're going to say the pledge and you're going to beat the devil. I'm going to fucking suck his mother's dick in hell.

And the last one, this is a toss-up. Anyone could take this one. It is the Mothman versus Governor Ronald Reagan. They might be friends. I don't know. I don't know. He might be trying to warn us about Ronald Reagan. It all depends on whether Ronald Reagan considers Mothman to be an East Coast elite.

All right, well, let's get into it. Let's get into it. All right, first up, let's start at the top bracket. Xenu, the villain of Scientology, the man who took all of the souls in the universe, brought them to Earth, dropped them into a volcano, and turned them into, what is it again? Thetans. Thetans that attach to our bodies and can only be removed through thousands upon thousands of dollars of auditing by Scientology officers. Ooh.

I will say, number one, I'm very sorry to everybody who's not an OT3 who just heard that story and will now die of pneumonia. Because that is just what happens to you, but that's what it is. Now, have you ever seen a picture of Xenu? No, but I know he's got lasers.

He's got hydrogen bombs, my friend. Yes. What? Yes. So the way he destroyed the millions and millions of his subjugated peoples were by giant hydrogen bombs. So we got immediately up top. So Xenu is versus Andrew Cunanan. Now, Andrew Cunanan. We love him. Yes. You're right. We love him.

We don't love him. He's a horrible human being. He hates fashion. So much he just wants to destroy fashion. Could Andrew Cunanan convince Xenu that he is Tom Cruise? Interesting. Andrew Cunanan is very much a chameleon. And Xenu, I'm not sure how well Xenu can tell humans apart from one another. You're saying he's racist?

And Tom Cruise is the current, I mean, godhead of Scientology. And Xenu would not fuck with Tom Cruise. My thing is that as soon as he saw the heights, he's going to know. I think Xenu...

is aware of TC. I don't think, if Zinu's around, if Zinu allows, he's aware of TC, he knows TC. He knows people that are fans of TC because he actually likes them. I think at first, if Zinu had met Andrew Kanan, I think that they'd get along.

Yes. I think that they'd like each other. I think that you could, I could definitely see Andrew Cunanan like trying to get like free lunches out of Xenu because I can kind of see Xenu being sort of like a gilf. Yeah. Because you see some pictures of him. I've seen pictures of him. Some he's an alien. Yeah. But some, he kind of looks like Javier Bardem from Dune. I would say it's more of an Anton LaVey look. A little bit. Yeah. He's got an evil goatee. I feel like Xenu is very...

easily influenced. And I think Cunanan is a great influencer. We have to remember, Xenu is the evil guy. He's the Satan of Scientology. Okay. So he's the ultimate deceptive. Xenu is an evil dictator that was an intergalactic warlord. Okay. And Cunanan...

loved to dance. And he loved fancy desserts. He got fat on champagne. And we're going con man versus con man. Yes. Then I think... I mean, because you look at Andrew Cunanan, yes, he was able to get a lot of free lunches. He got on a couple of cruises. He was able to be a kept boy for a while. Zinu was...

able to, through his machinations throughout the years, he was able to be a part of one of the most successful cults of all time. Con man after con man after con man. I think Xenu is just a guy named Jeff that just shows up places, but he just convinces people that he's Xenu. But if you can convince people that you've done this in the past and all you really need is one hydrogen bomb, he doesn't need millions. If he has one,

I bet you Andrew Cunanan tries to fuck Zinu. Zinu says, sure thing. Absolutely. Goes ahead like, you'd be like, oh, come see my house. And he's just like, oh my God, this house is huge. And he goes into the house and he sees all like, you know, because Zinu's probably got a big house. I think Zinu's got a lot of everything. But unfortunately, I don't think, I think they might fuck.

But and then after they fuck, Zeno throws him in the volcano with the rest of his other subjugated millions and blows them up with a hydrogen bomb. I think that there's no chance that Andrew Cunanan can take Zeno. But I just like to try to figure out how it would happen. That's what we did. That's what we're doing here. That's it. But I still feel like Zeno wins. Yeah, I feel like Zeno wins as well. So first matchup between Andrew Cunanan and Zeno. Zeno advances. Yes. Cunanan. Cunanan.

Goodbye.

I think that this is unfair. I've put $15,000 into my Scientological Technological Training. Alright, so next up we have the puppets from Puppet Master versus the man from No Country for Old Men. My main issue. Greatest hitman of all time. Yes. I put him up there. I love him as a character. He's the Terminator, basically. Yeah. Because what if he gets into, he's dealing with all these dolls.

partially wonder again if it's another one that's like would they all just get along like would they all just hang out they're little dolls he might not have patience for toys yeah i can also see he's an unrelenting murderer especially at the end of the movie you may need not to spoil no country for old men it's a decade old movie but it's like you know he gets hit he gets teeth boned and he barely makes it and like that guy just goes and goes and goes and goes and goes

I think the puppets think we got this guy on lockdown. They come into his room at night. One thing they don't understand, Anton Chigurh sleeps with one eye open. I think that when it comes down to it, he's not even going to use the cattle murdering bolt machine. I think he's just going to stomp on them. I don't think they're even going to get a chance to get close to him. He also has a shotgun with a silencer on it.

It's true, but the thing that people always discount on the puppets, numbers. Yeah. One puppet distracts while the other puppets attack. There's seven puppets, right? Yeah, I think there's seven puppets, somewhere around there. You got Blade, you got Jester, you got Pinhead, you got Torch, you got the Leech Woman. The Leech Woman, she is an underdog, but I think the one that really is going to take him down

Six shooter. Yes. Yeah. Because then you have somebody from a distance. Yeah. Torch has a flamethrower. Yeah. But still, same time, he could take a look and keep on ticking. Yeah. You know, Anton Chigurh is, it depends on, is he paid to kill the puppets? Because if it's his job, I could see him cutting his losses and getting overwhelmed if it's not his job. Yeah. But if he's being paid by Chucky,

to come knock out the puppet master puppets. If he has a dossier on them. Yeah, Cuibono. If he's got all their weaknesses and he's going for them, because guess where puppets have to go? In their little box at some point. And then all you got to do is that box. Set it on fire. Throw it in the ocean. But remember this. This is in the arena.

Like, this is, I mean, we are going with an actual competition here. Okay. Now, is this the, like, are we thinking Thunderdome? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A Thunderdome type thing. Although, on the other hand, nah, I don't know about that. Can he get one of those? I like kind of a dangerous game thing where you just tell, like, hey, you got to kill this guy. Hey, you got to kill this guy. And then they meet wherever that they show up. Yeah, it's like they have to hunt them down and use whatever wiles they may have. I don't know why I pictured this in a hotel room. I do, too.

I feel this is in a hotel room. I feel this is in a hotel room. But does he have guns or not? So he's got the shotgun. He's got his weapons. He's got his weapons, yeah. Yeah. But I would say... I think it's Anton Chigurh. Yeah. I think it's Chigurh, too, by a hair. He's going to get wounded for sure. Oh, yeah, he's going to be jacked the fuck up. Shredder's going to fucking stab up his legs and shit. Yeah, but I think he comes out on top, but I think it's one of those he comes out worse for wear. All right, two out of three, Anton Chigurh.

goes ahead. Now, are we saying that when Anton goes against Zeno, is he injured now? Yes. Well, that's what I would say. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. Yes. I, because it is going to be if in the March madness, if one of your guys falls, you got to play without that guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, he's going to, every person that goes in the next round definitely goes with whatever injuries they may have. Zeno is probably still a hundred percent.

Yeah, Zeno... Oh, Zeno, nothing. He doesn't even touch Zeno. Yeah, because Andrew Cunanan is going at him with his wild. Yeah, and he also got empty because Andrew Cunanan sucked his dick the night before. Yeah, so he's even doing better. Yeah, he's like, yeah, he's with it. Next up, we have... This is an interesting one.

The Xenomorph versus OJ Simpson. Well, okay. There's precedent here. Because we talked a little bit about this last year. About how... We kind of broke the spell here. Because last time... No. Actually...

Now, this is just twice. Because O.J. Simpson beat the Gremlins. That's why he got to be... That's why he made it to the final round. So there's precedent of one big man killing many tiny things. But we're only going against one xenomorph here. Like, one gigantic... Alien one. Yeah, alien one. Alien one. I think...

No facehuggers. Also, gotta say, OJ's a stabber. The fucking blood. Oh, he's got no chance. Yeah, the blood's acid. Yeah, he gets all over it. Oh, okay. OJ...

If he's got his full Buffalo Bills uniform on with the helmet and the Bronco, like is he allowed to have the Bronco? I would say that. Cause that's the only way you could remotely equalize himself versus a xenomorph. Those count as accessories. Okay. Yeah. So if he has the Bronco, he could live for a while. Cause what is the xenomorphs main like weakness, right? Like, yes, there's total obliteration.

Fire. Yeah. So maybe, maybe, I guess, if he could get the xenomorph in him, if he could bump it around with the car, like kind of Jurassic Park style, where he's coming around, he's trying to knock it around. This fight is on Earth, correct? Yeah. Yes. So maybe, just maybe, he could clip

He could clip it, run it over. You could drop the, you could throw the Bronco into the alien. It could explode. Maybe. Maybe he finds out the alien is the person who actually killed Nicole Brown Simpson. And then his power of vengeance, he's understanding. He's like, finally, my name can be exonerated. They'll bring me back my trophies. Now, I was seeing, I was watching a video recently. It was about like crash test dummies. And they were taking different cars and crashing them in the walls. And I was like,

And the one that faltered the most was the Bronco. Yeah, I don't know what the Bronco is yet. So I think if you hit a xenomorph with your Bronco, I think the xenomorph isn't really phased that much. I don't think the xenomorph is phased in any way whatsoever because the xenomorph is like a bullet sponge. I think the xenomorph beats OJ Simpson down. Because that's the thing is that if he's in the Bronco and he's wearing football pads, it's not going to be hard to get him.

I can't even go to restaurants anymore. It's going to be hard to drive. So yes, the Xenomorph does take it over OJ Simpson. Wow. OJ fallen earlier than I thought he would. Hey man, sometimes Duke goes up against Gonzaga in the first round. That's just how it is. It's hard. It is hard out there. You got to be, I feel bad for him in a way. All right. So next up, we have the creature of vengeance versus the girl who wants vengeance.

Pumpkinhead versus Gypsy Rose Blanchard. Okay, so... Alright, let's imagine that Dee Dee Blanchard before she died... So, like, maybe either she set Pumpkinhead against...

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, right? Or is it the guy that killed her? Yeah. The guy that she worked with, the guy from Facebook, I forgot his name, I think his name is Nicholas. Yeah. The guy that actually murdered Dee Dee Blanchard. I'm a little fuzzy on the details because I only watched it many, many years ago. I watched the documentary many years ago. I mean, this is definitely...

a really tough one, but I don't think, like, as much as I want Gypsy Rose to come out on top, I just don't think that there's much of a chance. Well, this is the thing. Right now, what we're seeing is a phenomenon in the randomness of the bracket is that high-powered, that we're going to get to a really big

skirmish at the center of the madness here. Yeah. Because we're going to have a lot of high-powered entities against each other. Because normally, like, we obviously, we respect reality here. And we really kind of dial in. We're really trying to figure out here exactly who would win. And unfortunately, with Gypsy Rose Blanchard, like...

ah, does she have the power of social media? Can she get Pumpkinhead canceled? Pumpkinhead don't give a shit. He lives for canceled. But maybe that, but yeah, again, or does he fold? There's all of a sudden now we're going to see Pumpkinhead on Ben Shapiro. But that's the other thing too is that Pumpkinhead thrives on belief, correct? Like he thrives on other people. I actually think you have to have faith in

Pumpkinhead right I know no You have to those greaser punks they didn't Really believe in pumpkinhead that's true The second you unleash it's just the thing about pumpkinhead Is that you are damned The moment you Acquire pumpkinhead's vengeance Right you are damned and pumpkinhead It's just doing it's job It's just out there it shows up everyday It's in the rat race Why did no one has no one ever thought of this Why don't you use pumpkinhead To kill himself

You think he would? Why doesn't Gypsy Rose Blanchard... I think that creates like a time loop. I think it's one of those where it's like if Doc Brown meets Doc Brown, the universe falls apart. I don't know if you can do... But this is, again, that's Pumpkinhead versus Pumpkinhead then. This is Pumpkinhead versus Gypsy Rose Blanchard. And I think Pumpkinhead rips Gypsy Rose Blanchard in half. I think they arrive and Gypsy Rose Blanchard's sitting on me and like...

you wish you had my husband's dick. And then like, and then Pumpkinhead is just like, yeah, they're nodding. And then you see Nicholas go to John laughing in his jail cell as he's calling Lance Henriksen on Zoom. They've gotten Pumpkinhead into the stadium. Gypsy Robe Blanchard shows up. She's like, am I on the Ellen DeGeneres show? And then he rips her from the limp. Yeah. Sticks her in the spokes of a motorcycle. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So it's going to be Pumpkinhead. Has to be Pumpkinhead. Yeah. And that's the thing is that on...

that on that we have coming up here in a bit this afternoon on NBC Xenomorph versus Pumpkinhead and that's going to be one hell of a match. So we've gone through the Eastern Conference. Let's go through the Western Conference.

First up, the worm versus Robert the doll. Yeah. Shy Hulud versus an inanimate wooden object made that's so incredibly fragile. It is Shy Hulud. Yeah. A thousand meter underground worm god. Yes. Versus cloth. Now, here's my thing about this, though. Shy Hulud.

eats Robert the doll. Okay. Does Robert the doll's soul then take over shy? Hello. The thing about shy. Hello. Is that I think that the whole entirely destruction of Robert, the doll would sort of negate the curse because shy. Hello. It is the Lord of the desert. He is, um, it's a real creature that has been bestowed upon with mystical powers. Yeah.

But what it is, it's fucking five buses that can eat. And it has a fire in the center of its belly.

But can it get cursed? Even if it wins, even if the worm wins, is it now cursed? My thing is that Robert the doll mostly curses you due to social faux pas. The shy halloo arrives and he's not engaged. He's not there to take his picture. He's not making fun of Robert the doll's clothes. Certainly can't call it Robert. It says Robert the doll. But what do we know about destroying haunted objects? It's bad.

It's bad when you destroy a haunted object. And so the worm has no choice but to destroy a haunted object. But that's the thing, is that if Robert the Haunted Doll then possesses the worm... It could get cancer. That's the thing. And then that's the thing, is that the worm... What if the worm gets bad luck? That's what I'm saying. I think the worm and Robert...

cancel each other out. I think it's one of those where the whole thing, the entire arena explodes. Even though three worms destroyed all of the Harkonnens? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Robert the Haunted Doll can take him down, but that's the thing is that Robert the Haunted Doll is then destroyed and cannot move on to the next round. So I think we have to dip back into the bucket. Whoa! I think we have a draw. Just do fight? Oh!

all together? No, the fight happens. They're both gone. They can't move on. Like, imagine if, like, two basketball teams both died in a plane crash at the same time. That'd be the greatest day CNN ever had. They've got to, like, replay a game to see, like, who gets replaced. So I think we go back. Let's redraw. I think we redraw. So do we pull...

A real or a fake? We pull both. We pull both. This is going to be a new matchup. Oh, great. Let's see. Let's see this right now. Yeah, you do it, Marcus. So, imaginary, we've got... Unprecedented. Yeah. You're going to love it. Godzilla. Yes! Wow. What a replacement. Yeah. What a fucking replacement. It's a big man for a big man. And going up against Godzilla, we've got...

Squirrel hunting Sam. That's the problem. It's hard. It's so hard. Because, like, obviously.

It's just like, God, look at him. He's just like, oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go down, go and get some. Girl, I'm going to enjoy myself today. He's like chewing on an acorn. He's like hanging out in a tree just being like, I wonder what the old holler is going to provide for us. All right, now. Oh, now I've never been to a holler called Okinawa before.

Oh, my God.

So that is, yeah, we know what it is. That's so much fun. Yeah, that's a lot of fun to see. You never know what can happen here at the March Madness. Yeah, you really don't know. Wow, anything's possible. Yeah, anything is possible here in the March Madness. Also, shout out to Robert the Doll. Yeah, there you go. And honestly, it's controversial because, you know, I love the power of Shai Halud, but I also believe, you know, like, what are you going to do?

What can you do? What can you do? It's going to get sick. Yeah. Sometimes things, it's all about what goes, you have to, what goes into your body is what comes out of it. All right. So next up we have four...

Next up, we have 400 Birds. Yes! Versus Chris Benoit. Who, of course, as we know, I mean, he's dead now. Yes, he is dead. But he did, through CTE, did murder his entire family. It's quite sad, but he is here in the March of Madness of Murder. I think he murdered himself with gym equipment. Yeah, he did. Which I get. Vibes.

Okay. This might be controversial. If you look at the birds, the movie, there's a lot of people that were terrorized by these birds. And we all say, yes, oh my God, that's dumb. I do think...

that 400 birds, despite what Chris Benoit can do. I think if it was 100 birds, Chris Benoit would win. I think he could make it. He might make it through 100 birds. But I think 400 birds overwhelms Chris Benoit. I think so too. I don't care how much. I think he does really well for a while. Yes. And then he's bloody and he's bloody and he's just been like, these girls look like my son or whatever. And that's the thing. But that's the problem.

His eyes are going to go real quick. Oh, yeah. Once they pluck out his eyes, he's over. And he's emotional. Yeah. They're not. They are not. Yeah, yeah. He is irrational. Think about this. If this happened between him killing his family and killing himself, he kills his whole family. He goes out for a breather. He wonders what machine he's going to use to kill himself. He looks out on the horizon. He sees the huge swarm of birds coming. In his own mind, he's just been like,

God damn, I gotta kill these fucking birds. Or like they infuriate him or he's down or maybe is he, is he, here's how I see it. Rage kills his entire family. All right. Walks outside. There's a bunch of birds on this child's jungle gym.

Oh, yeah. And he looks at those birds and he's like, fuck these fucking birds. He instigates the fight. He starts the fight. He kills all the birds there. Yeah, yeah. And so, yeah, he's in there smoking a cigar, probably eating a drumstick or something, whatever you do after you kill your family, right? You're just trying to have some, because finally, some peace and quiet. And so you're just trying to have that moment for yourself and you're sitting there and then, yeah, you attack them. And all these birds start looking at him funny. You know, like...

Honestly, I'm just trying to sit. Finally, I have a moment of silence and these birds are going to fuck with me today. And so, yeah, he kills the first batch of birds. Rest of the birds. One gets away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the record. I don't know how. Yeah.

It's called X now. And the other thing that you have to keep in mind is that Benoit is only, if we're going like classic, you know, everyone's in their classic uniform. Benoit is wearing only underwear. Yeah. He's very vulnerable to the birds. He's getting scratched up real bad. If he had SWAT team gear on, he might be able to last much, much longer. But he is going to be, yes, mostly nude.

If it was the birds versus Robocop, Robocop's going to take it because Robocop's armored and there's only a little bit to peck. But Benoit is sitting there, he's wearing, literally wearing underwear and boots. Okay, so we're going to give it to the birds. I think it's willing to note that we just lost 100 birds. Okay, yeah, so 300 birds. Yeah, now it's 300 birds. Chris Benoit

worked his way through a hundred of the birds. The other 300 have, yes, yeah, have won. They have moved on. Okay. All right. Now, can a wounded Anton Chigurh beat 300 birds? We're going to find out. Well, actually, that is going to be Anton Chigurh versus Xeno. So we're going to come up with that one later. Yeah, this one, the one that came out of that one, that's 300 birds versus Godzilla. Yeah.

Well, we already know how that's been because the 300 birds get consumed every single time Godzilla farts. Next up, we have Reagan possessed by Pazuzu versus Killdozer. All right. Now, Marvin Heemeyer, as you all know, American hero, sometimes...

A reasonable man is driven to do unreasonable things. He piloted his killdozer over a real estate deal that technically he won. Can we ever reach that? He destroyed his small town. Of what the killdozer is. This killdozer is a completely bulletproof

built on the skeleton of a bulldozer that he welded, wrought iron shielding all around so it was impervious to any sort of attack. The entire police squad of his town was versus his killdozer and they couldn't hack in. And he had shotgun windows that he was sticking out. But he still never killed anybody. But he did do millions of dollars in property damage and then offed himself inside of his own killdozer. So that's what kind of gives him his power.

But you got Regan, this little girl that is all fueled by the power of Pazuzu. So let's see how this goes. Regan is, she's full Pazuzu. Yeah. Floating, jerking off the crucifix. Maybe minding their own business, tied to a bed, Killdozer breaks down the wall. Hey!

All of a sudden, it sets off Reagan, Pazuzu. Yes, yeah. But the thing is about that, you got to remember, where is Reagan? Washington, D.C. Yes. Kildozer ain't getting up those steps. Yeah, Kildozer ain't getting up those steps. And that's the thing. The moment Kildozer enters... It is, unfortunately. That is his...

true kryptonite is that flight upstairs. It's going to be very, very difficult for the Kildos. Yeah, because if he was going to try to get, if he was going to survive through that town, you don't think that the seat of power wasn't going to be next? You don't think he was going to go? You don't ask. Think about this. So Joe Biden, Grandpa Joe, looking for his own October surprise. Yeah. Don't you think him

helping Marvin Hemeier kill the devil himself.

would help him with the evangelical vote he's got a weak heart he's got a weak heart but i'm just saying yeah but he won't be in there but that's but all you don't think if he doesn't use the seal team six to help marvin hemeyer beat the devil that that's not gonna put him up with the christian vote all biden has to do is clear the way for kill those that's all he has all he has to do is say like don't stop this guy he's going and he goes on live tv and says i'm letting kill i'm

Killdozer is going to murder the devil today. And yes, we might live television. Let me be clear. The devil, he has rosary beads in his pocket. Let me be clear. Okay. Yes, it may seem, but there's always in the, let me be clear. Corn pop is the best friend of mine.

Did you say that, Reagan? Yes, she might look like a little girl and I might sound and puke and masturbate like a little girl. But once it is murdered, you'll see it is in fact the devil. It's hard because he does have to sell that the bulldozer has to run over a little girl to kill the devil. That's true. And also that's his job as president. Is it a little girl anymore?

Yes. Because that's the problem. You have to sacrifice the little girl in order to kill Pazuzu. But if you kill the little girl, again, does Pazuzu become... Is Pazuzu then free to possess Kildozer? Do we have another draw? No. Actually, no. Because I... We were saying this before. It is because...

when he came in to get, to do the, when the exorcist came in, he does the like, come into me! Yeah. Come into me! He invites the devil into him and Marvin He-Meyer will never do that. Marvin He-Meyer didn't even want people to come into his house. But imagine

If Pazuzu took over Marvin Hemeier, and then Pazuzu is behind the wheel of the Killdozer, then the Killdozer wins again. Because it's the Killdozer win. Okay, so it's not Martin that's the person here. It's the Killdozer itself. But it is still technically Martin inside. If it's technically Reagan inside, then it's technically Martin inside. He kills Reagan. So Pazuzu jumps into Marvin Hemeier. That means Marvin Hemeier wins, but he's now the devil himself.

in the Kildos. So now we've got Pazuzu, Kildos or Pazuzu. Yes. So now that goes on next round. Kildos or Pazuzu. That's good. God, I want that. I want this to be real.

I want it to be fucking real. It would be way better than the last Exorcist movie. That would be fucking awesome. Right from your grave. Ross has huge savings on looks that are 100% you. So you can find all the styles that match your vibe. From stylish skorts to jersey tees. The trendiest looks of the season will have you saying, it's a yes for me. Plus, they've got shoes to make any fit pop. Be the best dressed for less with

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Hey, Cam, mind sending me over our new Wi-Fi password? Oh, sorry, Mitch, you can't be trusted. What? It's your phone. It's different than mine. Cam! And I thought I was a judgy one. No, it's just messages between different devices aren't encrypted. Okay. Since when do you know about encryption? I know what encryption is, and it's because I'm the last line of defense against any would-be Wi-Fi thieves. Cam, come on. Okay, fine. I'll send it somewhere more private. Thank you.

Safely send messages between different devices on WhatsApp. Message privately with everyone. All right. And the final matchup in the Western bracket, we have the Mothman versus 1978 Governor Ronald Reagan. Now, one thing the Mothman knows is that there's a problem with the infrastructure in this country. And the one major like kind of loophole, the problem with the Republicans, right? I actually don't remember at this time period is that they're weak on infrastructure because they don't like to spend money.

So I feel like this is a complete example of like the problems that we're facing right now. Yeah. Right. This is actually a droid. And by infrastructure, you mean the Mothman tried to warn everyone about the bridge. Yes. And then Ronald Reagan, I think he's doing his best to make every bridge collapse that he can fucking he can because he doesn't want to spend money. Yeah. One thing I know about Reagan, you can take a bullet.

He can't take a bullet. He can. He's hard to kill. But he didn't fight in a war, right? Reagan? I don't know. Probably. I think he did because I think every president of the 20th century fought in a war except... Yeah, he trained. Yeah, he trained. Well, I think Ronald Reagan maybe... I'm looking at him right now. Jimmy Carter fought in a war?

No, he's too nice. He fought in the peanut wars. Yeah. No, I think Ronald Reagan was one of the guys like, I am an actor and that's going to be what I do. That's what he was. Yeah. He was, he was an actor. Does he have the chimp? So we can listen in. Does he have Bonzo? Yeah. Does he have Bonzo? Yeah. I think I would consider that Bonzo. We're talking a whole nother fight here. Yeah. Cause then we're talking about Mothman versus Reagan and a chimp. Yes. I actually also wonder if Mothman,

What's Mothman's attack? I mean, he flies. Are we taking him as the end? I'm not taking him as a half-sick creature here. This is a full-bodied cryptid. Yeah, and Mothman is, as we know, he's muscled up. It's a fist fight between Ronald Reagan and a chimp versus Mothman.

The chimp. The chimp. Sets it over the edge. In 78, he's still pretty old. I'm looking at this right now. All right. So he did avoid. They were trying to call him a draft dodger. So he did go. His problem truly is the main problem was that he was nearsighted. I feel like if he splashes him with his red eyes and he can't see. Oh.

Of the site of the moth If Mothman kills the chimp first Ronald Reagan's fucked What about Secret Service?

He was governor then. No Secret Service yet. But they got, he's got protection. Yeah, he's got like a detail. And we know his detail. They're flackin'. I still think Mothman beats Reagan and the monkey. I think that he's too strong. I think too physically in these two keys. I think that if he gets rid of the monkey,

It's fine. But if the guy like let's say he goes, he feeds into Ronald Reagan's confidence about the American infrastructure. Yeah. Mothman knows every single bridge highway that's got a problem. He knows like when traffic lights are out. He knows when like he's a civil engineer.

He's got like, you know, he knows what's going on. So he takes Ronald Reagan to an area where he knows that like maybe there's been a lot of fracking. Yeah. And Ronald Reagan and the champ are expecting to be this like fight. But he's telling you that he's just been like, oh, but don't worry, Bongo. This is good. This is some fine American road work we're working on here. You know, and then they go. Reagan's impeccable. So Bluffman being like, you know, leading them out to go to the fight.

It takes it across a rickety old bridge and he knows it's going to collapse. The bridge collapses. Kills Ronald Reagan and the champ. Or what about the Mothman? Or the Mothman can fly. Yeah. Yeah, the Mothman can fly. I think with all the... You know, because we got to remember Reagan crippled the mental health community. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, he took 500,000 beds and released them. So with 500 mentally unbalanced people that have been kicked out of. So if we include...

The mentally ill people that were kicked out of the institution system. When Ronald Reagan shut it down. Yeah. When did he shut it down? I thought when he was president. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is pre. Yeah, this is pre. Yeah, this is before. He was just the president of SAG. I was looking at this now. What is he going to do? Have fucking...

Like Bob Hope. At the end of the day, though, I think that Mothman just flies up to Ronald Reagan and strangles him to death. Yeah. What about the chimp? Well, I think that Mothman can hold him. The chimp can rip his wings off. Yeah, but he grabs Reagan by the neck. He just flies up in the air four feet. Yeah. And the chimp gets out of his reach. What if the chimp hates Ronald? Yeah. What if you find out in the very end the chimp is like, honestly, he's full English, just like this. I just want to say

Yeah, I'm talking monkey. First of all, I don't want to even get into that. Second of all, I didn't like working for this guy anyway. Mothman's in the trees. Isn't he usually like flying through the trees? No, I know he stands around. He stands in the field. I can see that champion like

Now this actually frees me up. I can go take that job at Neverland Ranch. Wow. That's interesting. Yeah, Bonzo actually bought Bedtime for Bonzo. Bedtime for Bonzo. Yeah, that was Ron. Bonzo Goes to Bitburg. That was the Ramones song. They had a sequel called Bonzo Goes to College, but there were no original episodes.

actors, the ones that were originally in the whole thing. Peggy, who also appears like I got to see who is this Peggy person. So are we saying that Bonzo is well educated? Bonzo went to college. Yeah, he's got more education than a lot of people in this country. Interesting.

I mean, I really think, I think there's a chance Bonzo takes out the fucking Mothman. Okay. Well, uh, let's, let's say this though. Um, this is an interesting, um, this is an interesting addition. Uh, Bonzo bedtime for Bonzo that started a chimp named Peggy, but unfortunately in 1951, Peggy died in a fire. Um,

So they had a different chimpanzee for Bonzo Goes to Collins. Okay. Younger, stronger. Stronger one. Fire retardant. Yeah, fire retardant. Yeah, it's a different... I still think Mothman takes it. I think Mothman takes it. Yeah, Mothman takes it. And

And so we have on the Western bracket, let's go through these lineups. We have Godzilla versus 300 birds, killdozer Pazuzu versus mothman. So that's going to be...

By far the most interesting of these lineups. But on the other side, we have an interesting lineup here. We have Xenu versus Anton. No country for old men. And this one, I think this is going to be the battle that everyone's going to be talking about. I think this is going to be Battle of the Titans. Xenomorph versus Pumpkinhead. All right, let's get a couple of these. Let's bounce through a couple of these because we already know. We kind of know, unfortunately. Elite Eight. We know.

Godzilla is going to beat these birds. Yeah, Godzilla is taking out the birds. I don't know, because again, you got to go for the eyes. I don't think Godzilla needs eyes. I don't think Godzilla needs eyes. We shoot Godzilla literally with artillery weapons. And he continues to live. I think Godzilla's got to, unfortunately, there's no way, there's no, there's no mind Olympics we're going to do that's going to let the birds win Godzilla.

Okay, fine. All right. Godzilla takes it over 300 birds. I think that that's where we start. I think that's where we start. Yeah, for sure. Because there are a couple of these, because we're going to get into some of these that are longer, more drawn out fights. Of course. So, Xenu versus Anton. Who's winning that one? I think it's got to be Xenu. I think it's got to be Xenu, too. Because, again, we're looking at massive firepower here. I think Anton Chigurh is totally fine against a bunch of little dolls. But I think once you're up against the guy that inspired LRH...

And then, you know, destroyed billions of people with hydrogen bombs. He has his own volcano. I think it's just difficult. I think that if he was hired to fight, unfortunately, you think of Anton Chigurh was hired to kill Xenu. So,

Scientology would get involved in the litigation side and eventually Anton Chigurh would be so drained, his funds would be so drained, he wouldn't even be able to get to the fight. Yeah, well, how is he going to get in a spaceship? Yeah, because he's, well, if Zeno came down. He's got to get in a DC-8, a golden DC-8. Unless Zeno comes down,

to meet Anton Chigurh, but still Anton Chigurh is kind of like, you got to buy bullets. Now he has to buy compression air for the fucking cattle killing. Like we're thinking about like they drink your milkshake. That's how Scientology, we have to think about the economics. Now I have a question though, before we move any further. Now,

Battlefield Earth. Is John Travolta Xenu? No. No. Okay. Because if he was, I would give it to Chigurh. It is an allegorical tale about the leverage and the morality of Scientology. Yeah. Unfortunately, as much as I want Anton Chigurh to win, I think Xenu really has this. Yes. I think Xenu takes it. Yeah. So next up. Now, this is a big battle here. Xenomorph versus Pumpkinhead.

I'm saying right off the bat my pick Xenomorph I really want Pumpkinhead to take this but I don't think there's much of a chance it's too fast Pumpkinhead's like slow and like it takes a while to move he's got really long arms but what if Sigourney Weaver was the one who unleashed I guess it's adding somebody to the fight yeah and she's not in his world she's not in Pumpkinhead's world

No, but I'm saying Pumpkinhead, now everybody's in this world. Okay, yeah. So I view it as whoever calls, like who's calling Pumpkinhead to go against the xenomorphs? E.T.? Yeah, I mean, maybe. E.T. versus, I mean, oof. Well, we still haven't, that's all a pitch I've been making about, I want to see the warrior class on the E.T. planet. Yeah, because E.T. was a child, right? Yes, and what's the warrior class like?

They can heal. We know that. We know that. But also, I imagine they have a bunch of other weird crazy powers. Yeah. But I don't know what that is. But again, that's not what discussion we're having here. That's the entire side thing that I'm making up. Yeah. Can't E.T. fly or levitate? He can do a lot, I guess. I seem to remember. Oh, he makes the boys fly. Yeah. He makes the boys fly. Yeah. So by extension, he can make himself fly. Yeah. He's like on something. Yeah.

Because he can make a table fly, but he can't make himself fly. But can he make a... What was it? Butterfly? Yeah, is that what they... Is that from the... I don't know. I mean, I think, you know, as much as I love Pumpkinhead, I don't think he has a chance against Zeno Morph. I don't think so either. Unfortunately, and I love Pumpkinhead. Pumpkinhead had been championing each one of these. I absolutely... You know, I love... But again, I don't know who's going to say...

What amount of vengeance would allow him to beat a mama xenomorph? Because I think a mama xenomorph is just like, we're not even talking about a mama xenomorph. This is just your regular, this is alien one. This is alien one xenomorph. I think that was a baby.

No, the baby was the thing that popped out of the guy's chest. Yeah, the face huggers. Yeah, that's, yeah. Well, there's the face huggers and then because they grow so fast. Yes. Imagine fucking alien xenomorph popping out of pumpkin head's chest. That's fucking sweet. Just for that reason alone he wins. Yeah, that's it. So xenomorph goes ahead.

And so that in the final four on the Eastern side, we got Xenu versus Xenomorph. X versus X. So this is the very end? No, we still have one more, but we actually have three more to go. Okay. Yeah. Actually four more to go because we're going to have to get to the final two. So this next one up to see who is in the Western finals, Killdozer Bazuzu versus Mothman.

I think that Killdozer Pazuzu takes it. Because you have completely unpredictable... Now he has devil powers. He's moving things around. Killdozer ain't a Pontiac. That's usually what Mothman's going against. The closest thing I would say is if Killdozer is...

is bogged down but the same infrastructure attack that mothman does but now you have marvin hemeyer fueled by the power of the devil himself fighting mothman hand-to-hand combat i think he still takes it i think because he's powered by pazuzu that is probably the the very uh

kind of silhouette that Pazuzu as an entity is even projected from. Yeah. I don't think that Mothman's going to be able to get inside the Killdozer in the first place. No, I think that the Killdozer... He's a moth. Moths just bump off things. It'll just bounce off the thing. And then all he has to do is... If it was the van from Dumb and Dumber, the Mothman would have a chance. But he'd also be set to fire some other place. Moths are a tract. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

He goes that way. Like, it depends on how, because Marvin Hemeyer is clever on his own. He is. If he's fueled by Pazuzu, he could really know what he's doing. And he could get him over there. He could go, he makes him off and gets his back turned. He's looking at the fire because he's mesmerized by it. Killdozer clips him. All right.

Done. Kill Dozer Pazuzu. Yes. Pazuzu kind of got the one off on that. He just got to chill. Yeah. He really did. But Pazuzu is going to be working real hard in the Western Conference Finals versus Godzilla. Oh.

All right, what's the final four here? Yeah, the final four is Xenu versus Xenomorph and Godzilla versus Kildozer Pazuzu. Damn, very science fiction-y. Very science fiction-y. Yeah, it's almost all science fiction-y except for Kildozer Pazuzu. All right. So, Xenomorph, Xenu. This is a big one. Hand-to-hand combat. It's also...

You know, if Xenu's big thing, like why one of the reasons I feel like Anton Shakur couldn't fucking go after Xenu is because Xenu was already in space. And how's Anton Shakur going to get in space? Yeah. Xenomorph fucking already there. Xenomorph knows how to get there because the Xenomorph just a facehugger gets it. You know, it's just they just climbs the ladder until they get into space. Yes. And Xenu is himself a leader and a dictator.

But what is his hand-to-hand fighting experience like? I think probably in his ancient times, he probably had to be a pretty strong hand-to-hand combat fighter in order to instill the respect it would take the rest of his legions. Like a Genghis Khan. Yes, just like Genghis Khan. Genghis. Yeah, so that he would be... Genghis Khan. Genghis. And it all falls down. Yeah, that's how it goes.

But I feel like so he might have some prowess. If there was anybody that would have experience fighting something like a xenomorph, it would be Xenu because he has gone from planet to planet destroying and conquering.

Thing is, so is the xenomorph. Xenomorph is not an animal. The xenomorph is thinking, yes, it's more animal-like. It's a killing machine. It's the ultimate killing machine. It's the ultimate predator. But it's also a society. So they have intercommunication. It's not just like a dumb beast. It's this thing that also kind of has a cunning hive mind. So Xenu

Let's say, all right, now he's destroyed two victims. He's destroyed two people with his hydrogen bombs and his volcanoes. Let's just say, honestly, it gets down to it where he does the thing where he's just like, everybody back off.

this is time for me to handle the Xenomorph myself. Yeah. Right? And so they're all like... He can't use the bomb because they're in space. Yeah. So he'd kill himself if he used the bomb. Exactly. And so he comes in and he has his... I see him with a lance. He's been like, I'll tell you what, Xenomorph. There's a lot of people that said that you're tough stuff, but I'll tell you what. You've never met Big Daddy Xenu before. Right? And then he comes in... Is that what you're doing? And so alien in him, hand-to-hand combat.

He's trying to, he's like, back off! Back off! I'll do it myself. But I still think that the Xenomorph takes Xeno. Absolutely. We're all on the same page here. Yeah, we're all on the same page. Xenomorph goes to the finals. Yeah. Woo!

Yeah. Wow. And we're going to get sued for this. We're going to get sued, but I'll take it. And in the Western Conference Finals, the other half of the Final Four, it's Godzilla versus Killdozer Pazuzu. I feel like Killdozer Pazuzu doesn't stand a chance. We all know. Multiple tanks, battleships. Godzilla throws battleships. But there is the power of the devil involved. Does Godzilla have a soul? No. No.

That's a whole other question. So he destroys, so Marvin Hemeyer, as Pazuzu knows in his head, I'm Pazuzu. And let's define our Godzilla here. I think we need to define it for the first time. 1954 Godzilla. Yes. We're talking original Godzilla. Yeah. Yeah. Not like, you know. Not agile Godzilla.

T-Rex arms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's got his spines light up and he breathes fire and he walks around and he's amphibious, but also, yeah, he's amphibious. So that's the Godzilla we're dealing with here. And not massive, massive, massive.

You know, just like regular Godzilla. He still kills, breaks buildings apart. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's far larger than the Killdozer. But Marvin E. Meyer in his head, as Pazuzu, is like, well, the devil, of course the devil wants Godzilla. Yeah. Because he's thinking in his head, being like, once I have the power of Godzilla, then finally, finally, I can go blow up the Vatican. Yeah. He's so excited to do it.

But then the problem is, is that I think what you're saying is the key here. Marvin Hemeyer rolls in on the killdozer straight up at the Godzilla, assuming he'll even kill me and I'm going to jump into the Pazuzu. Yeah. I think that that's the problem, is that Pazuzu, like, he rolls in, Godzilla, ah!

Lights him up. Shoots him with the lasers. Steps on him. Whatever. Gets rid of him. Pazuzu pops out like... Yes! Now it's my time! And then he goes up to Godzilla and there ain't nothing to go into. Yeah. And then he's like...

Also, the birds we talked about might have pecked out Godzilla's eyes, so there's no entry point for Pazuzu. That's true. That is absolutely true. So I think he kills the devil. I think Godzilla kills the devil. Wow. This is wild. Wow.

Hey, this is what happens every March Madness. Yeah, it's what you never know. The world is thrown into incredible chaos every March. Every March. The whole world has to re-put everything together. Yeah, and we have to spend the entire year rebuilding for the next March Madness. We're like, oh God, it's already happening again. It's true, Matt.

Oh my God. I mean, honestly, though, shout out to Killdozer. Yeah. You fucking, you held it strong. Yeah, really. That was strong as fuck. Yeah, that was really strong. That's what he wished would have happened. Yeah, that was a really strong show on. And so, I mean, this is,

I mean, these, this finals, I mean, we're talking like there's no underdogs here. No, like this is kind of the ones that you expected to make it. Like these are like, this is like, you know, Michigan with, you know, was it, what was his name? Chris,

Weber? Chris Weber. This is Fab Five. These fuckers are making it. This is a big one. Christian Leitner Duke. That's exactly what I was about to say. Christian Leitner Duke. That's the matchup that we have right here. We have Xenomorph versus Godzilla. And I'm thinking because Godzilla is so massive, is so gigantic,

I'm thinking we're going to have to allow a mama. We're going to have to allow war like a full xenomorph army and a mama versus Godzilla. Yes, I think this is going to be controversial. I think to a lot of people.

I think army of xenomorphs takes down Godzilla. I think it's the only chance of us ever defeating Godzilla. But I feel like... But then the world is taken over by xenomorphs. Yes. Yeah, no, no. It's a choice. We actually should be... Weirdly, we should be rooting as a human race. For Godzilla. Yes, because Godzilla goes to sleep.

Yeah, that is true. Godzilla gets done. I mean, well, that is the plot of most Godzilla movies after the original Godzilla is a new monster comes and they have to convince Godzilla to help out with them. Because, yeah, like remember Geiger, the three headed monster that took Godzilla and Mothra. So if we're allowing the xenomorphs to arrive with multiple people, is Mechagodzilla not in play?

Because Mechagodzilla was made by man. I think we can only, I think we can allow in Mothra because in the past gods, I don't know if Godzilla and Mechagodzilla. Didn't they build Mechagodzilla to fight Godzilla? I think so. And I know there was this incredible Godzilla comic book that came out a couple of years ago, uh, in which they did build Mechagodzilla to go up against Godzilla. I think they did, but in the movies and I, and, um,

Godzilla versus Ghidra, the three-headed monster. Godzilla and Mothra did work together as a team. So I think if we're going to allow Godzilla to have a teammate in any point, it's got to be Mothra. And how about Kong? Kong and Godzilla are natural enemies. But not anymore. They're fucking buddy cops in the new movie.

It's going to be amazing. But we're not there yet. Yeah, we're not there yet because remember we're talking 1954 Godzilla. So this is and Godzilla. I also don't think Kong's doing much against a bunch of xenomorphs either. Next year we'll bring in even more real life guys. Like maybe next year what we'll do is we'll go small. And this is the big one. This is the big one. King Ghidorah. That was Godzilla. No, wait. That was the 1991 Godzilla.

There's so many Godzilla movies. Yeah, because if you remember into it, I think an army... Yeah, so, like, what does he get to have? So, I guess it's... Honestly, if it's an army of xenomorphs with Godzilla and the human and human armed forces across the globe. Yeah. Like, let's say that's what it is. If it's a war for the very planet Earth itself. But Godzilla might kill the humans even if they're on Godzilla's side. But eventually Godzilla quits.

And goes home. Yeah. That is true. Godzilla will eventually... You want to help Godzilla. Godzilla definitely does give up. Like, that's the thing. Godzilla does after a little... Because he gets tired. He gets tired. He goes back to the water. He rests. And then he comes back. But that's the thing. By the time he comes back, xenomorphs will have completely annihilated the forces of humankind. Unless we use our arsenal...

against the xenomorphs. If we nuke the xenomorphs, it will make Godzilla stronger. If we nuke Godzilla, he does that thing where he blows up like in Godzilla minus one. Yeah. Godzilla could beat the xenomorph army. If you superpower Godzilla. If he got the ray off with good aim and take out the mama, because you got to take out the mama because the mama is the hardest one. Yeah. I think Godzilla has a chance.

But an army of xenomorphs just seems so unstoppable to me. Yeah, it seems the same to me. I mean, they've conquered world after world after world. Yeah. But have they ever had the power to...

Bill Pullman doing a speech at the front of everybody, you know, being like, you guys ready to kill some aliens today? And everyone's like, yeah. And then you have the fucking again, SEAL Team 6. Oh, SEAL Team 6 is going to fucking just get absolutely murdered. I'm just saying they're there. Yeah. Because I mean, remember, like, because remember, I mean, SEAL Team 6. I mean, if you want to do like a side battle, SEAL Team 6 versus the Space Marines, right?

I think the Space Marines take it. No! Or the Space Marines are in this story. Vasquez? So what's this final decision, guys? What's this decision? Because I know it's difficult, and we've added a lot of factors that were not there at the beginning. We have not, but I...

I'm going to go with xenomorphs. If it was one xenomorph, Godzilla would kill it. Godzilla would eat it. Godzilla is Godzilla. We've got to handicap Godzilla. I think, unfortunately, we do have to handicap Godzilla. I think that an army of Godzillas, if we're not helping...

They beat Godzilla. If Mechagodzilla is with Godzilla, I don't think the Xenomorphs can take out Mechagodzilla. No. I think the Xenomorphs can climb. I think the Xenomorphs... Well, how long before we get Mechagodzilla and do we just have to include Mechagodzilla next time? I think the Xenomorphs would more easily beat Mechagodzilla because they could just climb up and swarm Mechagodzilla and they could really...

rip off whatever hatch that lets the humans in and they just go and devour the humans. I think they take down Mechagodzilla easier. They're really good at getting in shit. You can't keep a xenomorph out. Mothra would, I think, propose a bit

a bit of a challenge for them. So did the xenomorphs win? I think the xenomorphs win. Wow! Hit the music! Oh my god! Xenomorphs taking it with the championship! The confetti is flying! Stunning Thursday! I can't believe it!

Xenomorphs, take it off. The Xenomorphs, they were one of the favorites in the beginning, and I think that they're going to be taking over the entire planet, and sometime next month, you and your entire family will be wearing a facehugger. That's right. That is the nail in the coffin. All I got to say is I welcome our new Xenomorph lords.

And may I please serve you in any way possible? Unfortunately, the xenomorphs have no use for any species besides themselves. Their only goal is to kill, kill, kill. And I think that's going to be the future that we all have to look forward to. Hey, I've got a cavernous butthole ready for your eggs. So come on down.

to Wimbledon, Massachusetts and meet my beautiful wife and family. Man, imagine all the xenomorphs that would pile on a Godzilla. Oh, my God. We are in for a shit show, but what a fun afternoon it has been, fellas. Uh-oh. It's time for a word from our sponsor. Caw-caw. Caw-caw.

Hi, are you a bunch of birds? Wow, really great, really fun. Yeah, really fun. And I think we all learned a lot. We really did. We learned so much about birds. We learned a lot about birds. Hey man, they made it past

the first round. They really did. And I did not expect the birds to make it. When you first suggested the birds, I didn't expect the birds to make it past the first round. This is like when Texas Tech like made it to the end. We were like, oh my fucking God. Anytime Texas Tech makes it past the first round, everyone is really excited. But you know, when they made it,

to the end. That was really incredible. Well, really good work, guys. This is great. Next week, we're going to be back with another in-depth series that I think what I like about this one is that it's a classic that it's going to make you a worse person. Yeah, it really is going to make you a more obnoxious person at the end of it, which I'm really excited for. I'm excited for it. Yeah, I'll give you a hint. Okay.

snakes. Alright, go to patreon.com slash slash podcast and left if you want to see us sweat in this little room. And you can see it. You can join it. You see us live. We got a bunch of other new stuff coming down the pipe. You're going to love it. I got a brand new interview with Devil, the real life superhero. Yeah. That's incredible. Inspiring. Inspiring, people are saying, which is very funny. Then we got go check out twitch.tv slash LPN TV. We just did the tears of a clown meet

We're going to have a sandwich off over the summer. Oh, yeah. Summer ham. Yeah, we've decided. And the rules for that is that we eat each eat sandwiches until one of us have a heart attack. The first one. The goal is to have a heart attack wins. Oh, yeah. And then we go into check out LPN Deep Dives Dune. It's on our main feed. Yeah, it is. The new review onto the main feed, but also go check it out. Dune 2 is available.

It's incredible. And don't forget to follow us on the social media. That would be on our TikTok and our Instagram at LP on the left. We're going to be putting a lot of really cool stuff on our Patreon here coming soon. We've been filming a lot of behind the scenes footage this week, and we're going to be putting that on Patreon here very, very soon. We can't wait for you all to see it and to get a little peek into

into the lives of the LPN crew and how we run this fucking thing. Yeah. It's been such a cool week at the office, by the way. We had everyone come in from out of town. That's been awesome. We had Jake and Maddie and Michelle, Ken. Shout out to all of them for coming out to LA and making the office a fun place. It's so fun. I love being here. I like, and it's nice. It feels like we got new energy and new direction. Yeah. We're having a good time. So hail, sweet Satan. Unhugging. Hail Ripley.

Hell, yeah. That's who we need. Fuck yeah. I once saw a live, like a screening of Aliens, and Sigourney Weaver showed up and was just incredible. She is awesome. In person, she must be gorgeous. She is a presence, like an absolute presence. And when a fucking nerd asked her an Alien versus Predator question, the withering stare that she gave him. Did you feel that in AVP? Yeah.

that there was sort of a correct representation of the xenomorph exoskeleton? And I think her answer was, I have absolutely no interest in answering that question. I'm sorry, Ms. Weaver. I'm sorry, Ms. Weaver. And it wasn't mean. Like, everyone agreed with her in the room. Yeah. Yeah, she is an angelic presence. And she's going to take over for Richard Attenborough when he dies. You watch. I'm calling it now. Well, she already did the planet Earth a long time ago. All right.

Bye, everybody. Goodbye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to LastPodcastNetwork.com.

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