Episode VII: More Athletes Matt and Bowen are Watching
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Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Five rings. From the voices to guys. We really are just two voices at the end of all this, you know, Bowen? I mean, and we're lucky to have a voice in so many ways, wouldn't you say? Yes, once you learn to use yours. And that question can be whatever it means to you. You know, I had good teachers. I had a good choir teacher. Told me, you're a baritone. I said, really? Really?

This voice? This voice is a baritone? You are one of the best baritones of our time. Well, I might have dropped a couple octaves. It happens. I'm life-worn. Road hard, put away wet by this thing we call life. By this thing we call life. You know, I feel like that's the Greg Luganis biopic title right there. Road hard, put away wet. Road hard and put away wet by this thing called life.

I love it. We're still pining after Greg Louganis from our first discussion of him. Honey, when someone becomes a Google search with their name and the word shirtless or their name and the word hot or their name and the word speedo or their name and the word fill in thirsty blank. That's just now your computer knows. Okay. Correct.

And your computer talks to your phone, which talks to, you know, the cosmos. The cosmos. You know what? I'm terrified we'll make its way out there. And so I'm just going to come out ahead of it. What are you so afraid of? So around the same time as Greg would gain a shirtless in my youth, I was also discovering the website Broadway.com. And on Broadway.com, you could learn more about the shows that were on and off Broadway, including the show Naked Boys Singing. Can I say...

It's one of the great sites. If you want to know what's on Broadway right now, or even coming up down the pike, Broadway.com, discover it now. I know Bowen discovered it at a young formative age. Yeah. But log on.

But continue. Log on, go off, add to cart. I discovered Naked Boy Singing, the classic off-Broadway review that features, you guessed it, Naked Boy Singing. And some of these boys were, and still are, quite titillating for a boy of pubescent age. And post. You know what? You certainly post, and I'm going to reveal something in a sec, but you wouldn't book that job if...

If you weren't going to get up there and look delightful singing in the nude.

I, when I was in college, dated one of the naked boys singing. Oh my God. Very briefly. And I was like, I really want to come see your show. He was mortified. He was like, absolutely not. You may not. That's a boundary. He's like, it's not. He's like, it's not naked boys singing in like a sexy way or the way I want you to see me naked. It's goofy and silly and a little, a little corny and the way that we love. Well, it's foppish. Yeah.

It's foppish. And I don't think he wanted me to see him in this foppish ways. But I said, no, I think that'll be good. That'll be good. But I never did see him in the show and I never did see him naked. Well, that first part I was going to say, good for you for respecting boundaries. That second part I go, well, that's a shame if you wanted to see him naked. I know. And I never did. But basically when I talk about adversity, Bo, just to bring it back to Paris and we got to bring it back to Paris. We got to bring it back to Paris.

Sha'Carri Richardson has solidified her spot. It's a dream deferred, but it tastes just as sweet. My God. You are one of the most beautiful speakers. I learned to use my voice. Thank you. All statements choir. Thank you, all statements choir. Thank you. Because Bowen Yang always had the timbre. He didn't always have the words. Thank you.

Teachers. Thank you, teachers. And coaches! And coaches. Let's celebrate Sha'Carri Richardson, her coaches, her teachers. She is the clear favorite for the Women's 100, to win the gold. We are so thrilled for Sha'Carri. Legend.

We love you. A world leader in this event. 10.71 seconds. Literally 10 seconds. Literally, quite literally, you say, oh, I'll be there in 10 seconds. And everyone always sort of tosses that off as meaning I'll be literally right there. She was one spot in the track to the next in 10 seconds. If you say I'll be there in 10 seconds, your name better be Sha'Carri Richardson because otherwise you're a liar and I don't want to make a liar out of you. Right?

No. No. And this is what we were saying about it being down to the milliseconds, because it feels commanding. I mean, like, she is the frontrunner. But Melissa Jefferson also clinched her place in Paris by taking second place with 10.8 seconds, as did Tanisha Terry, who held on for third, 10.89. So let's just say something right now. All these girls will be there in 10 seconds, if they say.

They will be there in 10 seconds within, oh, 0.18 seconds of each other. It is a photo finish, as we call it in the biz. It is a dead heat. It is a dead heat across the board. Across the board. These girls are touching the line at around the same time. At right around the same time. Do you think there is a sisterhood amongst them? I think Tanisha and Melissa and Sha'Carri

go out for drinks and they go we need a fourth we need to complete the sex in the city quad a quadrio quartet oh my god oh my god they really do they need a fourth they need a fourth so rough to be like in a four and know that only three of you can go on you know what i mean like oh you need them to clink a cosmo glass go why do we stop drinking these you need a fourth one to go because everyone else started

And can I say, you delivered that in a way that Candice Bushnell could never. Because she's behind the scenes. But my girl is a huge star. And he took those lines written by an iconic woman and delivered by iconic women. I have to say, who do you think would win in the 100-meter race? Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, or the iconic Samantha? I think...

The easy answer is Miranda, but I think Charlotte comes in out of nowhere. I think Charlotte is so prepared. I think Charlotte is going to be... She also was always on her exercise game. She's always walking around the city. She's always moving. She's a cardio queen, and they build that into the show. It's not explicit, but she is a cardio queen. Right.

But Charlotte's sex scenes were always the most aerobic. Everyone's like, oh, it's Samantha was the big floozy or whatever. But Charlotte can put it down. Yeah. I think that it's going to be between her and...

Samantha because Samantha you know she's very limber like she keeps herself I think Samantha keeps it squeaky to put it quite bluntly and to quote the legend Ari she's been drinking coffee

You know she keeps it squeaky. She's been eating healthy. I feel like she, you know, she has a very high intensity job. She's a big publicist. She's drinking water. She's staying stretched. She lives such a physical, carnal life that I think she's going to go for the gold in a major way. I just, did we ever talk about this? Not to reference our other podcasts. What? Samantha's a publicist. Yeah. Charlotte's a Katie. Oh my God.

Miranda's a reader, and I guess Carrie's a finalist. Is Carrie a finalist? Is Carrie a reader or a finalist? And then is Miranda a reader? I think Carrie is a finalist because we have to file into the different categories, but I will say this, in this context...

Carrie Bradshaw is going to be fourth place in the race, and she's not going to qualify for the Paris Olympics, which, first of all... She literally doesn't make her finalist. She's not a finalist in this regard. Also, I think we know she wouldn't really want to go back to Paris. Probably would be very triggering if you watched the last season. But I do want to say...

her arches are destroyed. The Manolo Blahniks have destroyed her feet. And Sha'Carri Richardson, I bet she has gorgeous arches, such that would carry her over the finish line and into the gold medal position, hopefully, in the Paris Games. But Carri's arches are destroyed. So sorry, Carri. You will not be going to Paris. You will always be known, like Lauren Conrad, as the girl who didn't go to Paris. Yeah. But you did. You actually did in the end. And I think that Miranda would throw discs.

Miranda would be discus. She would want to harken back to antiquity. Yes. And I'm happy that you made it about that and not about the obvious lesbian thing, because there is obviously an obvious lesbian thing to say. Do lesbians play frisbee? I certainly think that they are more shot put discus people than... I think frisbee is for everybody. I don't know. I don't mean to center any sexual orientation around these events, I guess. I

As a former track athlete who ran a mile in four minutes and 36 seconds at my best at age 15. Wow. I just kind of the girls I knew, like, let's just say in the future, they would come out. They would come out of the closet as LGBTQ+, the shot putters and the disc throwers.

I want to, first of all, that is huge insight. Thank you for educating me. I'm just trying to be anthropological about this. And you are, and you always have been. Thank you. Speaking of which, I want to preview something I want to bring to our other podcast, Lost Culture Ristas, but I want to sort of like test it out here. Do I know about it? No. Okay. And I've actually been waiting for the right moment to share this with you. We're working it out on the remix. It's working out on the remix!

I am really getting a little sick of watching everybody, including queer people, stumble on the letters of LGBTQ+. It just makes everybody uncomfortable. Like, we all kind of short circuit. It's like, really, those are letters that are all very tough on the diction, the elocution. It's hard to really, like, blow past it, right? Yes. Especially if you're, like, kind of...

Talking, talking, talking. Your words per minute are set and then it slows you down that bottleneck. It was when you say the word, when you say LGBTQ+. I want us to create a new word. Ligibatik. Ligibatik. Thank you for this already. I want you to know my immediate instinct is to accept it with arms wide open into my life and the greater consciousness. That is my immediate instinct.

And as a French sounding word, I think Paris, I think the Olympics is a great place to debut it for the culture. L'Egyptique. I am one of the L'Egyptique. The L'Egyptique community is...

is back now with this we are so back i have to tell you i can see luminaries saying this word i can see chloe seven knees saying are we not luminaries ourselves well first of all i just want to say the fact that you with that baritone and this background and this training the fact that you were the one to bring this forward i think means something and i think leisure batik is

That's certainly the community I'm a part of. I'm Lichabatik down. Is Sha'Carri part of the Lichabatik? I think...

I think so. Greg Louganis was one of the first Ligibatik icons at the Olympics who was out. Sha'Carri Richardson, Ligibatik legend. Ligibatik legend. Queer woman Sha'Carri Richardson is now fastest woman in the world. She's the fastest Ligibatik individual on planet Earth. That's amazing. It's reigning greatness. I have to say that with my full chest. Say that with your chest. Ligibatiks are so here to say it is reigning greatness.

I don't even care that this is for everyone. It's for gays now. It's for gays. It's for LGBT. Deadass, do you think LGBT has legs? 100%. I want you to know I feel not only excited about it, but inspired by it. Thank you. Please spell it. Well, first of all, I think if anyone sees in print, on paper, on screen, the letters LGBTQ+,

you can read that as legebatique yes but if you want to like create a distinct word for it you know because for linguistic reasons the word represents the concept and so l-e-g-e b-a-t-i-q-u-e you threw an a in there that i did not expect but very queer legebatique

For some reason, I was seeing L-E-G-E-B-E-T-I-Q-U-E, L'Egebetique, but it's not up to me because I'm not the creator. You threw the first brick. I did. You laid the first letters.

Thank you. Can I say this? The bricks were already there. The letters. I just put the mortar around the bricks. I'm always so proud of you, the way that you carry the legacy of our ancestors forward. But when you said Lege Batik, and I want you to hear this, you really did something there. And to be told that by another gay person, that you really did something there.

Oh my God. This is one of the biggest honors of my life to hear you say that. You... There should be an award for when someone really does something there. Like, you remember when you won the Human Rights Campaign Award for Visibility? I do, because I gave the speech.

We need to go back in time and make it this year. Someone really did something there. The culture awards next year. We have to have this is the award for someone that really did something. Maybe she should carry wins. She should carry. Oh, my God. She carry. Please come to the culture awards. OK, we are getting so off track. We got to bring it back to Paris. Today, we're here to talk about.

Basically, if you thought we've even breached the surface of the athletes that we can look forward to seeing, like, I mean, we're popping off about Sha'Carri because there's big news, like she is a qualifier. But there are so many more top athletes to talk about. And this is what we're doing today on this episode of Two Guys, Five Rings.

We got to bring it back to Paris. There are some stars in the making, if not already stars born out of the dust and space. I want to talk about our B-boy and B-girl legends. Victor Montalvo and Sonny Choi, who is the coolest girl in the world.

confirmed in a first-hand type of way from you. Confirmed cool girl vibes, for sure. Talk to us about Victor Montalvo, known as B-Boy Victor, and Sonny Choi, who is the legend you've met. What are they going to bring to breaking an Olympic sport? Victor's the first American ever to qualify for the Olympics in breaking. He's the favorite to win the gold medal in the Olympic debut of men's breaking.

I think this man is going to walk home with a heavy neck. B-Boy Victor got into the sport through his father, Victor. I think we have a junior here. I think we've got a junior here. I think we've got a junior here. And Uncle Hector Bermudez, his twin brother, father's twin brother. Ooh, if I had a twin uncle, if my dad had a twin, I'd say, hold on. Now, which one of you is my dad? Now, which one are you?

Now are you daddy or uncle? Because let me tell you something. It's hard out here to tell. And so these are both B-boy legends from Mexico. They discovered breaking through a friend's cousin homemade breaking documentary, which they watched on VCR. Here we go. Matt, you certainly had a VCR and you could have had the same gateway to breaking as Victor and Hector and Victor Jr. But that's not how my life panned out. And that's okay. That's okay.

Victor said his father was the, quote, only one who truly believed in him. And we just want to say here and now on Two Guys, Five Rings, that is no longer true. No, we believe in you too. We are your father now. It's like from the movie Precious when Paula Patton, the teacher, says, I love you. That's us. That is so us coded towards Victor. We are Paula Patton and we are Mariah Carey. I mean, you know who believes in Sonny Choi?

Me. Wharton School. Wharton. Oh, my God. Did you know that Sonny Choi graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Marketing in 2011 from Penn's Wharton School? That is intense. For her to get a Bachelor of Science in Marketing is like me getting, and this is actually what happened, I have a Bachelor of Arts in Chemistry.

Not a bachelor. Now, most people who were in the program graduated with a bachelor in science. I did not qualify with my grades and credits to get a BS. And so I had a bachelor in arts.

Bachelor of Arts in Chemistry. Famously not an art and more of a science, I would say. I would totally disagree that chemistry is not an art. See this podcast, for example. Girl. This isn't art, what we do. This chemistry is artful. It's an art. I know you're good! Cause you can really do it!

With a broken heart. I know you're good. Cause you can really do it. With a broken heart. There you go. In January, 2023, Sonny quit her job as the director of global creative operations at a stay lauder to focus on breaking full time. This is a girl who said,

Honey, get the lipstick off. Wipe off the concealer swatches. I'm putting on loose-fitting clothes and breaking for my job. I love this. This is aspirational AF. Imagine being the coolest person everyone knows, and you're Sonny, and you're the director of global creative operations at Estee Lauder, and you went to Penn's Wharton School. You're unbothered. Of course, you can break, but you don't do it. And

And then you're already this person that's a full icon. And you say, you know what? I'm leveling up even more. I'm actually going to the Olympics. And I'm not just going to go. I'm going to be the person everyone talks about. And at an event surrounding all this, I'm going to meet Bowen Yang. Girl. Who's Leja Batik. Who's Leja Batik.

And she's an ally. What? I thought you were going to say she was also Leisure Boutique. And then I would have fallen off my chair because we really, it really would be rating greatness at that point. No, she is one of our best straights. That's okay. Oh, it's more than we celebrate. That's not just okay, Matt. That's like saying I tolerate gay people. No, no, no. We don't do that. Well, I do tolerate gay people. Just to be sure. Oh, brother. I do tolerate gay people.

Gay guys. They all just want attention, you know? They don't actually want to date you. They just want your attention. They want you to engage with them in a way that would suggest something happen, but then they don't actually want anything to happen. They just want the attention and to do a little bait and fish. Anyway, single girls here on the podcast. You know who else is, well, I don't know if she's single, but she's certainly next on the list of people we're going to talk about. Carissa Moore, the surfer.

Tokyo Olympic gold medalist Carissa Moore. You'll recall from a previous episode we did, the surfing competition for the 2024 Paris Games is actually going to take place in Tahiti. So that's why you have to be a completist about listening to this because in order to know that information, you would have had to listen. Like, you would have been without that. She's a five-time world champion. She'll be in Tahiti. This is the end of the road for her. She will be...

retiring from competitive surfing this year. The Olympics are her final event. She has a chance to win a second Olympic title. She's part of a strong three-woman contingent for the U.S. with Caroline Marks and Caitlin Simmers, which I have to say are iconic names for people that are going to be on the water as someone who mostly remembers... What was her name? Not Suzanne Summers. Summer Sanders. Remember Summer Sanders? I don't.

Summer Sandler's just the host of Figure It Out on Nickelodeon. And then I was like, who is this? And my mom was like, oh, I think she's an Olympic swimmer. I was like, oh, cool. I think this has to be getting to the rom-com. The Olympics? No, Carissa being like, this is my last year. Oh, yeah, that's good. I'm not doing this anymore. But then she falls in love with a gorgeous person in Tahiti.

who not only lights a fire romantically, but lights a fire for her love of surfing, of competitive surfing. And she boards the plane in Tahiti to go to Paris for the closing ceremonies and to hang it all up. But this person that she's met, maybe it's a merman in the water, goes, don't go to Paris. Stay in Tahiti, surf with me. I think we should write it. He was Tahiti all along.

That was sort of me trying to make it like I was here all along work. I don't think it really did. Who would you cast in this part? Sydney Sweeney? Should we just do that and hang it up? I think Sydney should be Carissa, I think. Yeah.

You would be the merman, I think. You think so? People would love to see you as the merman. Do you think me and Sid Sweene would have romantic chemistry? Oh my God. Like, you wouldn't... If she and I... She was convincing. She's so good of an actor that she made it believable that we would have any chemistry. No problem. You have a Bachelor of Arts in Chemistry, Bowen. You'll have chemistry with anyone. It is what you...

It's what you went to school for. I think you and Sid Sween would get along gangbusters. I hope so. I kind of like her. I kind of have a crush on her. My celebrity crush is Sidney Sweeney. I got to tell you something. See, this is when we're not Leisure Batik.

is when we're thirsting after a cis woman. We go, "She's really gorgeous." - She's really gorgeous. Anyway, I do think she should play Carissa Moore. I think that'd be great. Also, iconic name, Carissa Moore. Did I make that up or what? - Carissa Moore. - Carissa Moore is a name I would make up. - No, it sounds like she's part of the X-Men. Jean Grey, Madeline Pryor. - Carissa Moore, when she goes into the water, she turns into a shark woman.

She is our mutant friend. We accept her. Sometimes these outsiders are just looking for acceptance. Yeah. Ever think about that? No. Not very Leisure Batik of you. Not very Leisure Batik.

You know, this is just like, okay, by the way, I actually, so we're looking now at the document because I want to tell you something. Nothing gets done without a document and podcasting. Everyone, that's a peek behind the curtain. So we sort of have a guide here that the producers have made. And the question before, they suggested some possible conversation prompts, which I think is adorable of them. Because like, imagine us coming on here and not having things to flap our trap about. And

And they suggested things for us to chat about, Beau. I think it is the sweetest. So I was going to say it is an act of pure generosity and kindness that they are giving us some structure, some way into, let's just say, bringing it back to Paris. ♪

Well, a possible question topic to start this, and then we're going to bring it right back to Paris, was Matt, what songs were in heavy rotation on your iPod Nano during your storied 436 mile? Wow. By the way, their attempt to try to date me with the iPod Nano is fruitless. I didn't have an iPod Nano. I had a big one. In fact, one that was too big.

And it was laborious when I tried to run with it, but we were not yet technologically advanced enough in terms of comfort regarding where you put your iPod while you ran. But I did not have a nano. I had a regular iPod and the album that was hitting the hardest.

was Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson, an iconic cardio album. Yes. The girls know what I'm talking about. Oh, yes. And I also want to say, behind these hazel eyes, they might have just renamed it Matt Get Up This Hill. Because what was I listening to while I had to traverse planes doing cross country, doing winter track?

It was behind the hazel eyes. That is behind the scenes. I want you to describe what you were seeing, what you were feeling,

at what point in the mile or in the run or in the event, whatever, is tied to Kelly singing, no, I don't cry on the outside anymore. I'm so happy you said that literal part. Because of course, real fans know and everyone that listens to this podcast tuned in so that hopefully we'd talk about this very topic. I know that.

total one-to-one with what this podcast is supposed to be. But there's a part in the bridge when Kelly in the music video is in a white wedding dress. They're commonly white.

And she's absolutely running through the woods and she's getting filthy dirty. And she looks so stunning. She's in the mud. She falls in the mud. And then her from the future comes and like picks her up off the ground. And it's like, I don't cry on the outside anymore. And it's two Kellys like consoling each other. The one who's been like dejected. Yes. Oh my God. Sorry. And the one who's, who's from the future ready to give you her salvation. Cause all she really needed was herself. And when I was running in cross country, I,

through the woods, just like Kelly was running through the woods. You couldn't have told me that I wasn't Kelly Clarkson herself leaving her own wedding to run through the forests. I was gay then. I am gay now. Légit Batik. Légit Batik. That is my Légit Batik story.

Let's bring it back to Paris. Thank you for sharing that. We have to give out the medals between Carissa Moore, Sonny Choi, and B-Boy Victor. Like, we have to. Like, this is... It's the time of the episode where we have to start making big decisions. Okay. You know what? I love Victor. He is going to be a star. He is guaranteed to win the gold. He doesn't need our gold. I'm going to give him the bronze.

Yeah. I was going to say the same thing. I mean, Victor, again, we love you and we believe in you just like your father. You just get the bronze today. It's okay. But you're leaving Paris with at least one gold in the debut event of Men's Breaking. So congratulations. Congrats on that. Now, the silver medal. I think we have to give that. What do you think? This is close. This is milliseconds. I'm going to give it to Carissa.

Yeah. I can't not give my girl Sunny the gold. That is a star and a legend. And you got excited at the potential of her being Leja Batik, but she is not. That's okay. I think that I'm still okay with giving straight people the medals, even though I'm so excited about Sha'Carri and like, you know, we talk a lot about Greg. Like, well, I'm still okay with straight people winning the medals. I just don't think the Olympics are for them anymore. They're for us now, but I think it's still winning medal here or there. Don't displace or don't... You're gentrifying the Olympics. Yes.

Okay. Damn it. I was really trying hard not to do that on this podcast. Gay guys, we gentrify and we just have to like reckon with that. Leisure Batik is so complicated to be. So I guess we're giving Sonny Choi the gold, huh? Sonny gets the gold. This girl was working at Estee Lauder for,

the pop-ups and the activations and figuring out how to get a booth at the mall. Global Creative Operations. That is a huge, huge responsibility for a, I'm sorry, disgustingly big global company. So... Let me tell you something. She...

It's like when someone is so good at living life that they, I guess you could say she shreds. She shreds. Sunny shreds. Sunny shreds. The end game for her, and this is actually from her, she wants to open up a non-profit dance studio and just pay it forward. She is the Alyssa Edwards of the Olympics. We have to give her the gold.

She has the gold. Congratulations, Sunny. You earned the medal that matches the hue of your name. And you were born for this moment. Sunny, congratulations. That was beautiful.

That was poetry. Thank you. Thank you. You know, I learned to use my voice too many years ago. Can't get into it now, though, because, well, we're wrapping up the episode. And we want to thank everyone for being here yet again and invite you to watch every moment of the 2024 Paris Olympics beginning July 26th on NBC and Peacock. And for the first time, you can stream the 2024 Paris Games on the iHeartRadio app. We hope you enjoyed this episode. We hope you...

use LGBT in the real world. We really want this to be a movement. We finally did it. We finally did it. I think we solved it.