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Okay, girl. Hey, girl. Let's go down the chute. Let's establish a little greeting. I think we have to find it. What do we do? Like, do we just say, two guys, five rings? Yeah. Or we say ring, the word ring, five times. Oh, that's good. That's good. I love that. Okay. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.
Wow. And would you believe we just created that gold? Like Bowen, I have to give, I have to really give you the credit because we sort of canonically and iconically come onto our podcast Las Culturistas with Ding Dong and then here you are saying ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. This is a natural thing.
progression sort of analog well after all this is our new podcast two guys five rings where we talk all things olympics yes for those of you who sort of arrived here because you want to hear about sports and didn't even know who we are i'm matt rogers i co-host the las culturas podcast
And I'm Bowen Yang. I also co-host the Lost Culture East podcast. Now, would you say that we typically cover anything athletic on our, let's say, day job show? I actually don't remember the last time we talked.
about sports or athletics at all, which is, and a lot of people might be surprised to hear us hosting this podcast. And what we would say to those people is we're surprised too. But really, I guess this makes us like sort of a podcast for the Olympics for the every gay. Absolutely. I think we are the surrogates for people who have seen challengers and think that
that is enough sports for me. But that's not true. There is no ceiling on sports, wouldn't you say? There is no ceiling on sports, especially this Olympics, because it's the Summer Olympics, Pauline. And this is really going to happen outside, and it's going to happen in Paris. ♪
And Paris, I've heard, has beautiful outside. Now, I know you've been to Paris, so don't pretend that you've not been to Paris now. I know you've seen the outside of Paris. Oh, I was not putting up any pretense that I have not been to Paris. I was just starting up a conversation for you and the listener to discuss Paris, the beauty of Paris.
Have you been to Paris in the summer? I have been to Paris in the summer. I've been very lucky to be in Paris in the summer. Hot, but hot. And the people are hotter. Oh, honey.
And it's about to get even hotter because these athletes are coming. Now, I would say if we ever talked about the Olympics on our podcast, it probably would have to do with, you know, just how hot some of the athletes really are. Actually, just the other day, we had a conversation about winter Olympian Apollo Anton Ono being sexually formative. For you, specifically. But you're saying that he wasn't for you? Well, you know, I...
Apollo's friend. No, I'm just kidding. Yes, absolutely. Listen, I feel like an awakening for me is more, I'm going to speak more collectively, like any men's gymnastics event. Oh, yeah. I kind of, I re-realize what I'm put on this earth to do, which is to watch people with
bodies do amazing things with those bodies. Yeah, there's going to be a lot of that this summer. There's going to be a lot of that this summer. I guess today on today's episode, we're here to talk about the top storylines. Two guys, five rings. There's some storylines happening that are there's really narratives. And really, there's every Olympics is a dramatic story.
story. You know what I mean? Like that's what's so great about it. The Olympics are soap operas writ large, wouldn't you say, on the world stage? You know, on our other podcasts, what we do right now is say that's a rule of culture, but not what we can't. But we can't right here. Now, just to give everybody a general lay of the land for what we'll do on this podcast, every episode we will discuss a different
angle of the Olympics today. As Matt has said, we were discussing the top storylines going into Paris 2024. And then in future episodes, we will talk about specific athletes, specific events. Gosh, what else? I mean, what else is there to the Olympics besides those things? The Olympic Village. Oh, yeah. I think we definitely... That's actually one of the things I'm most interested in is, to be totally honest with you and transparent, for me...
I want to hear about the horniness of the Olympic Village. Like, if at any point we can have someone from the ground, like, sort of report in, like, I would love to hear. And this is just any athlete that hears this and wants to come in, and we can do that creepy voice thing where they talk like this. Yes. If no athlete wants to go on the record, and someone wants to just come spill all the tea about how horny it gets in the Olympic Village, I'd be interested in that.
I would be very interested in that. If you are listening and you work for the IOC and you were the person who designed the single bunk bed cot situation that is supposed to discourage athletes from engaging in sexual encounters, please come on this podcast. We will distort your voice to protect your identity. Also, first of all, you can't sort of stop athletes from
I'm sorry you can't. I'm sure that they run their heats, they swim their heats, they perform their heats in the case of, I guess, the synchronized swimming, which I guess now has a different name. It's now... It's now... Oh, gosh, we were just briefed on this by our lovely producers. Give it up for our producers, by the way. They're going to be doing a lot of work. Well, right now on the Zoom, we have Vince, we have Jason, we have Sean. We have a whole...
star lineup of producers with us. And we're grateful to them. Mostly what's going to happen on this show is we're going to be fed some wonderful information by these people who actually do care about sports. Not that we don't care, but these are people who live and breathe sports and know how to communicate those facts to everyone.
and we are the lens through which those things get refracted onto you, the audience, and we are grateful for that. We are but a vessel. We are but a vessel. And here's something I know about sports. You, me, and our three producers, we could be a basketball team. A squad? There are five of us.
a squad. We could be a basketball squad. I know this from chiefly from watching space jam. I was just going to take it. I did play basketball as a kid. This is, this is actually a topic I wanted to bring up with you before we get into the actual information. When is the moment you have peaked athletically? What is the fastest you've ever run? What can you look back on in your life and say, that was a moment where I was physical, the house down. That's really tough. Uh,
Can the answer be there is no moment?
Well, lately you've been working it in the gym. But that's not the same as sports. Okay. You know what I mean? Well, can I say there was a two week period where I was a member of the YMCA on Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn, New York. And I was getting into that pool with all of the toddlers and our lovely elders in the community. And I thought, you know what? I'm healthy. I'm going to do this. And then two weeks in, I thought, I am not going to be in this skin soup, as it were.
It's very much skin soup at a public pool. And I will say this, this is an athletic thing. I got athlete's foot at my gym and I, I did, I don't want to gross anyone out, but these are the kinds of things that athletes go through. This is injured. I've been through an injury, which is,
By my own hand, I got athlete's foot from what? Showering with no shower shoes. You gotta get the shower shoes. I thought I could trust my community. No, no, no. And make sure when the shower shoes go home, first of all, you take a bag from the swim trunk dryer.
above the swim trunk dryer in the locker room. Put your shower shoes in that. Go home. The first thing you better be doing is wiping those down with Lysol. Guys, I hope that all the athletes are listening right now. This is good stuff. They need to be writing this down. Lysol.
Seriously, go the extra mile, as it were. And I'm not just talking about my long distance runners. I'm talking about everyone. Go the extra mile in terms of protecting your feet and body this summer Olympics. One thing about Bowen Yang is he really doesn't even have to run because his legs are so strong that he actually at a walking speed is faster than any runner. Hmm.
Thank you, my sweet honey, my sweet dear. You should see him when he needs to go somewhere. And can I say something about my friend Matt Rogers is... Depends. Fair to say. Classic live swimmer's build. Yeah. You know, had they had swimming in my high school, I would have done that instead of track and field, which I did do. You know, just to answer the question for myself, I was a little track and field. You were a track and field guy. Oh, and...
It really, it all kind of fits into the biography really well, I think. What is this? We've been doing this now for 10 minutes and 40 seconds. This is, I literally said to myself, how long am I going to be able to go without saying my mile time? Come on, give it to us. It's happening now at a minute 11.
Four minutes and 36 seconds. Oh, wow. See? Bowen's jaw dropped, and he knew the information. Well, anytime I'm reminded, it's like, who cares about me scoring well on the SATs? No, I care. No, no, no. But what I care about, and this is like a Prince and the Pauper situation, I would rather have an under five-minute mile
than know anything about math. This is the classic thing with you and I, the Elphaba and Glinda of it all. Like, it is the two sides of the same coin. It is, you can't, and this actually is true, and again, we would say it was a rule of culture if this was our podcast, but we cannot. We cannot. You cannot have...
A, by the way, it's not just scoring well on those tests. You hit a perfect score on the ACT. Okay, a 36. Okay, let's talk about that. You cannot have a 36 on the ACT and a 436 mile. You can't. You'd be assassinated by jealous people. Oh my God. But they're out there, Matt. I know.
I'm so scared. I know. Let's get back on topic. We're here to talk about the Olympics. We're here to chat about the Olympics. But now I think you sort of get a sense of our lens. I think what we really did there, Beau, is we set this podcast up. Now everyone has the low expectations that they need for...
for us and our Olympic know-how. It's really just going to be a little bit... I mean, we're... What is it? We're Waldorf and Statler-ing this? Statler and Waldorf. Absolutely. Muppet reference. Muppet reference. And we've mentioned on this Olympics podcast, Elphaba and Glenda and Statler and Waldorf. And there's going to be so much more. Well, just kidding. We're going to get into the actual Olympics, but we're going to take a quick break and we're going to come back with real Olympic commentary.
Bye.
We're back. Sure are. Now, Matt, before we talk about our top stories going into the Paris Games 2024, let's just do a general exchange of what are your, what do the Olympics mean to you? Great music. Can I say, I love hearing the music. I love hearing the Olympic theme.
I don't know if I could sing it for you right now. Could you? Yes, yes. You can sing it. If I can sing it, you can sing it. I kind of gave flute. You kind of gave trombone. And that's kind of what we give. That's what we give. Flute and trombone. What about you? What jumps out when you think Olympics? I think...
I truly do get emotional at the idea. And this is what the five rings concept is. It is the continents of the world coming together to... All five. All five. No, look, it's Americas, Asia, Africa, Europe. People forget Oceania. Oceania. And so is that sort of what Australia is? It's like Australia and then your islands above Australia.
Those Pacific Islands. And then Antarctica, we count out, unfortunately, because the penguins aren't competing. No, they're certainly not. And I wouldn't want them to. Because can I tell you something? They're nasty. They're cheaters. And they dope. They're cheating dopers. And let me tell you something. If you expect to win against a penguin in the ice luge... Oh, at the Summer Olympics? At the Summer...
You're in denial, hon. You're in denial. So, Beau, let's get into it. These are the top storylines of the Olympics this year. First of all, we said it, we'll say it again, Paris. Paris landmarks are going to be a backdrop
to these games, including like the opening ceremony. This is for the first time ever at the Summer Olympics. The ceremony will not be held in a stadium. It's going to be a parade of boats are going to start the ceremony sailing down the River Seine, allowing about 300,000 spectators to attend the celebration. So this is clearly they watched Lady Gaga at the Venice Film Festival. And I think that that's where they got the idea for this. I think the IOC and the planning committees are always
studying Lady Gaga and what she does. Who's to say there won't be, you know, like a bloody sort of costume change transition that then leads to a piano ballad version of...
born this way. I would love that. Honestly, don't count out that Lady Gaga will perform at these opening ceremony Olympic Games. Actually, but can I say something? You can. From what I'm hearing, it seems that this opening ceremony, beyond the sort of newness of it being outside, out of a stadium, on the river sun, it is celebrating...
literally, and this is actually why we're qualified to talk about this, culture. It is because Paris is the center of that, as we know. Oh, yeah. And I think they're really, they are really actually leading into that aspect of it. It's going to be like a cultural celebration of like,
fashion, music, film, all of it. Okay. In addition to the athletics, obviously, but like, you're going to be seeing a lot of different things that you didn't expect. And I think we can, I think it's, I think it's out there in the press releases. Like there will be like an SNL 50 boat. Like there will be like a boat at the opening ceremonies with,
SNL cast. It's so crazy. Did they invite you? They did not invite me, but that's okay. Who is going to be there if not you? Some of my wonderful fellow castmates and I'm so happy for them. And I wasn't given the ask, but that's okay.
That's not what it's about. Well, can I say, if you're not upset, I'm upset on your behalf. This feels ridiculous. It's not ridiculous. I get to host two guys, five rings with my best friend. You're right. I am involved in the Olympics. This is going to be, I think this is going to be required supplemental listening, not even supplemental. This is going to be the event for people to consume the Olympics for.
100%. Does that make sense? It made sense to me. Everyone, the world is watching this podcast. The world is watching this podcast, which is a visual medium. What do you think about how the equestrian activities are going to look at the Chateau de Versailles? Well, I'm going to be thinking, yeah, sure, horses. But that was where Kirsten Dunst filmed scenes from Mary Antoinette. Thank you.
Yeah, that's true. That's I, you know, I went to Versailles one time. Can I say the people there were not kind to me because I am one of the most American people out there. So I'm it probably was because I was running through the streets being like, do you guys have ketchup? But anyway, they weren't they weren't crazy nice to me in Versailles, but it like it could have had to do with the fact that I, like you, was more interested in like, so where did Kirsten Dunst
Like, where was her trailer? Did you know they shut it down every Monday? Really? During filming. Wow. Which is crazy. Like, only for Sophia do you do that. You shut down Versailles. Truly. Or the Olympics, as it were. Well, the Olympics, it's like, you know, we're racing horses. There's animals roaming about. But Versailles, now...
It's no surprise that they were rude to you because I think that's part of the experience, right? They wanted to feel like it's, you know, pre-revolution France. I've always felt, I've always felt that Paris was like New York City and Versailles was like Long Island or Jersey. You know what I mean? Absolutely. So just everyone who's watching the equestrian stuff, just know that you're getting the Jersey people. Exactly.
You got to take a train out there. The people are rude. And there's horse racing. Yeah. That's all Jersey to me. That's all Long Island to me. That's Long Island AF. There's going to be beach volleyball at the Champ de Mar. That's going to be an interesting thing about this podcast is hearing me pronounce French stuff. I think you're going to get your hit rates going to be
Seven out of ten. I was going to say, what are you going to give me? Seven out of ten. That's pretty good. But you're an expert in this. Talk about how you're French. Not French. I have no association with the nation of France, with French culture. But you did live in Montreal during your formative years. In my formative times as a child, I grew up in Montreal, Quebec, where the license plates say, je me souviens, which is...
A reference to, I remember when we were part of France. Isn't that dark? Yeah. Even after they were, let's say, annexed by Canada, they still went. It's like a stepchild going, you're not my real dad. Yeah, it is very that petulant. Petulant. Teenage petulance. It's a petulant province. Everything comes out teenage petulance. Teenage petulance when you're Montreal. Well, French is Bowen's first language, so that's why I'm saying pronunciation-wise, we got it. We got it unlocked.
Now talk about watching beach volleyball in what is very much an urban park. Is that going to take you out of the experience? No, because I'm going to be looking at the players. Beach volleyball is one of the hottest things you can do. It's one of the hottest and most fun things you can do. And I would also say that
The excitement factor is through the roof. This is, I think, one of the most exciting things to watch because it's truly Challengers coded. Yes. In that it is head-to-head. Head-to-head, as it were. Or heads-to-heads. Heads-to-heads. I'm a huge beach volleyball fan. Oh, absolutely. Because you know what's great about beach volleyball? What? It's fast. Yes.
It's a fast game. There's never a dull moment. It moves. You're never like, all right, should I get more popcorn? No, you are glued to the screen. You're watching these people dive into the sand to spike a ball that they have no chance of getting. Can I say, as someone who is a huge sand fan,
Like, I love sand. What? What? Everyone hates sand. Can I tell you something? I've really come around on sand because I used to I used to actually because what my my biggest problem was when I whenever I went to the beach, I didn't brush myself down good enough and I would bring it into the car and I'd bring it into the house. And I would often find that sand would get in the bed. And you have shared a room with me in Fire Island. And what's in the bed?
Grains and grains. A lot of sand. Of sand. But that's okay. I feel like that's even... You've come around on it. Why? Why have you come around on it? Because I feel like I'm embracing who I am now. Like, I'm a sandy person. And so watching these people get all sandy, that's my culture. Okay. All right.
Okay, let's talk about Simone. She's back, babe. I mean, she has the wind at her back in terms of the story, don't we think? Oh, yeah. I think she will amaze us, but she doesn't have to clear too much in terms of her accomplishment for this to be a history-making Olympics go for her. Yeah. Well, so for the uninitiated here, Simone Biles withdrew from the 2020 Tokyo Games. She suffered a case of the twisties.
where she had disorientation in the air. I guess she just had a little bit of like, I guess when you're a gymnast, to say you have the twisties as a gymnast, it must be really bad because you're constantly twisting in the air. You're constantly twisting in the air. Yeah. For it to deter you, she must have really needed a break. If she can win at least one medal at these games, she will become the single most decorated U.S. Olympic gymnast. She's currently tied with Shannon Miller, who also has seven medals. So,
So this could be a major, major moment for U.S. Olympic gymnasts. Now, what would happen? Well, how would you react if Simone was about to take the floor? But then a hush falls over. I would become swollen with pride. Hold on. I would become swollen with pride. Hold on. Okay. Simone is about to take the floor. A hush falls over the stadium. Oh, my God. I'm already, like, really anxious. Yeah.
And then, like it was a saloon, the double doors fling open. Oh my God. And who walks in in her heels but Shannon Miller? She says, and she crossed her arms like this and fixed her neck and said, all right, come on, girly. She's standing on the other side of the vault, looking her dead in the eyes as she runs down. And she says, break my record.
I dare you run, leap and vault land with both your feet and get your score together. If you can, you'll knock me off my perch. Very intimidating girl. But then Shannon does it, does it tear away and she's in her singlet and she goes, Oh my God. She, the bitch is back. I qualified at world. So I qualified at world. So I'm doing this too.
Oh my God. You're not breaking anyone's record. No. And can I say, oftentimes the Olympics gives incredible narratives, but just in case it doesn't, you can just listen to this and sort of play this back. Let's say it's August 2024, the Olympics are done. Or like, let's say September 2024. And you're like, I didn't really get good story this year. Just listen to that part of the podcast. Yeah.
Yeah, just go back and imagine a world. Now, can I just... I really am so curious about what you think with this topic. I feel like the twisties, it's like the closest comparison I can draw is like the yips in baseball. Yeah. These things need better names because they're serious things and they're real things, but the names just sound too silly. Like these are like really...
big obstacles. And like, if Simone Biles had come out and said, I have aerial disorientation syndrome or whatever, if it sounded like medically legit or something, or even half pseudo legit, like people would have been like, oh my God, don't worry, girl. But because she had to come out and say, I'm having the twisties, people were like, you freak! Like, I think there was like this weird blowback on her where like, she could have, if it was called anything but the twisties, it would have been
20% less stressful on her in terms of the media blowback. I mean, I guess that's like something that's happened in the last like few years is people, I guess like because there's so much more talk about like mental health and like doing what you need to do and self-care that when an Olympian like engages with that, everyone's like,
No! It just feels like they can't be humans. But Simone Biles is a human. She couldn't necessarily find a better thing to call the twisties and the twisties, but she's a human. Let her cook. Let her cook. And she's a human who happens to speak English. And in the English language, the twisties are called the twisties. I don't hate the twisties. It feels like you're coming down hard on the twisties. To put the word twisties in a press release like she had to at some point back in 2020 couldn't have been easy.
That's really why we're here, just to kind of tell the PR when they have aerial flop syndrome. Right. So a lot of PR people do have aerial flop syndrome, as we know. Looking at you, J-Lo's people.
Okay. Truly. Update the way you do things. You know, speaking of women, Beau, there's a big question this year. And it's, will U.S. women earn more medals than U.S. men for the fourth straight games? Women have been dominating. I believe it was Beyonce who said, girls run the world. And...
And I believe it was the Spice Girls who said girl power in the 90s. Gloria Steinem was huge in the feminist moment. And it's really carried over. Definitely. The Beastie Boys said girls. They sure did. And Lena Dunham had a show called Girls. Wrote a whole show called Girls. And I feel like they've all been very inspired to greatness here at the games. And I think we're going to see even more women sort of tear up.
You know, in Tokyo, the U.S. women won 66 medals. That's 58% of U.S. medals, which exceeded the total number of medals won by all other delegations except China and the Russian Olympic Committee. So, you know, two big ones. Two big ones. But the big question as we go into this Olympic Games as it pertains to women and their medal count will be with the soccer team. There's a lot going on here.
They've got a new coach, a lot of new players coming off their worst ever performance in the FIFA Women's World Cup. Now, I remember this. I don't get much sports news, but this is something I caught wind of. And I thought, these girls, I'm rooting for them. It's an uphill battle. Yeah. You know, let me tell you something. If they can get in there and bend it like Beckham, I think huge things are going to happen. Remember that movie? Can I tell you something? You never saw it?
Don't ever talk about Keira Knightley again. And I know it's one of your favorite things to do. And I don't often do. No, you lie. You're rewriting history. You always want to weigh in on Keira. You haven't even seen her breakout role. You don't even know a bend like Beckham is. I bet you wouldn't even know the half of it. If you were the soccer ball guy put in front of you, you could never bend it like Beckham.
I don't know. It's such a hot phrase. Bend it like Beckham. Bend it like Beckham. It feels incredible. Wasn't he like... Oh, they had a body double of him in the movie. Like they're waiting for him outside of the stadium. Yeah, it wasn't really him. Right. Why don't you think he... He should have done it. That would have been amazing for his career. I mean, the man loves to be on camera, so I'm shocked that it wasn't really him. Well, I've seen clips of it. I've seen... I will say it's played multiple times...
It has. It did play multiple times in the background of my childhood living room because my sister would watch it with her friends. I want you to watch it. Do you think it still holds up? Just stylistically? I think it probably does. Okay. Well, I haven't seen it in many years, but I did see it when it came out, really, because we were like, who's this new girly Keira Knightley? Right. Maybe that wasn't her first movie. I feel like that and no, it definitely wasn't her first. She was so young.
She was very young. She was so young. We can't discuss Keira Knightley's career on this Olympics podcast, can we?
Well, I think we've just proven that we can. And so basically, if you've been listening to this podcast and you think this isn't sports, you're not necessarily right, but you're not necessarily wrong. No. But what it was, was two guys, five rings. And the two guys are me and Bo and Yang. And there's going to be endless episodes of this podcast going forward until, of course, the Olympics ends and then the podcast ends. Endless. But.
Matt, shall we give out our medals for our stories? Gold, silver, gold. Yes. Okay, great. Yes. I think bronze medal goes to, will U.S. women earn more medals than U.S. men for the fourth straight games? Yeah, that's something that we're really following. I don't want the gender wars to keep going. I don't want to fan the flames. No. Everyone is on the same team, okay? Bronze medal goes to women versus men. Silver medal goes to...
I'm going to give to Simone Biles just because I don't want to put gold medal pressure on her. No, no, no. Because there's a lot of pressure on her. She's already feeling it. And I just want to say, in terms of Simone Biles, I just want people to be like, yes, she's competing. It's not a big deal. Yeah. Yes, there's a lot at stake. It's not a big deal. You're going to give her the twisties if you act like it's a big deal. So just shush. Let her compete.
Shannon Miller standing over there with her arms folded being very cross. But, you know, just silver medal. Lower the stakes. Lower the stakes. And finally, that means gold goes to Paris Landmarks as backdrop to the games. Yes!
I am so excited to see Paris. I mean, not actually in person because they were rude to me and I never did get my ketchup, but I'm so excited that we're going to see many shots of the Eiffel Tower. I'm sure it's going to be
You know, just so lit up. Don't forget the Louvre. Don't forget the Louvre. I want them to do fencing at the Patisserie. I want them to be doing breakdancing, breaking at the Marais, which is the gay neighborhood in Paris. I want them to... Oh, that would be good. I want them to use the entire rich urban history of Paris to...
to the fullest advantage because this is once in a lifetime. We are not going to see an Olympic Games in Paris for decades, I would wager. And we have to enjoy this. It's a chic place to have the Olympics, wouldn't you say, Matt? I would say. And let me tell you, this podcast is off to a rollicking start. We are galvanized. We are ready. If we had a boat, we would be tearing up the Seine right now on the way to
Bowen could have been on a boat, but wasn't invited. You know, it's okay. We're going to watch from the comfort of our own homes and host this podcast. We thank you for joining us. This has been Two Guys, Five Rings. And next week, we're talking athletes. We're talking people. Who are the people we need to really focus on? Okay. And we're going to let you know who the girls are.
The girls. And this includes men. And this includes men. And because we're all playing for the same team, which is the girls. You'll learn the lingo. You can watch every moment of the 2024 Paris Olympics beginning July 26th on NBC and Peacock. And listen to Two Guys, Five Rings on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And for the first time, you can stream the 2024 Paris Games on the iHeartRadio app. See you soon. Bye. Bye.
Thank you.
