What a Weekday: We Got An Embezzlement Stew Going On feat. Louis Virtel
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I was going through my parents' things and Quackers the Beanie Baby tumbled out. Do we think that's worth something in the 10 to 15 grand range? That's what they've always said. They always promised us. They're like, send your kid to college, here's Quackers. That was the first time the economy lied to our generation. I remember my youngest brother was like, wow, I'm rich. And I was like, no, you're nine. And this is what capitalism is. They've got you. No, it was the McDonald's Monopoly game for toddlers. Yes.

Oh, hi. I'm Louis Vertel from Crooked Zone. Keep it in for John Lovett this week. I'm here with producer Kendra, producer Chris, and head writer Hallie. Guys, I was all concerned about what to wear for this, and then I watched Lovett on this podcast. He is wearing like a rankled sweatshirt. He looks like a basketball player at a strip club.

It's okay. I jumped for us all. We'll never care. Once you see how he dresses in real life, you're like, oh, well, I'm not doing that. I'm doing a little bit better. Was it our second week of work when he wore a swim trunks? A bathing suit. He walked in. I'm like, that's clearly a men's bathing suit. You're wearing your shorts. And we're all supposed to pretend that it's regular clothing. Swim shorts. Is he Billy Madison? I mean...

Kind of. Yeah, a little bit. He looks like he just got done with a pickup game. We know he did. He was a real shock. Coming from the halls of Shondaland, it was a real shock to arrive here. Oh, is she a wardrobe-obsessed person? People dress. At least when I was there, people dressed at the Shondaland offices. Wow. She has a masterclass that I really enjoy. You can learn a lot from her, and I'm afraid of her. Yes. Okay, let's get right into it. What a weekday.

Which is something I feel like they would say on like Barney and Friends. According to The Hill's average of 690 polls released this week, Biden is performing better than at any point in the 2024 race so far. Trump now only has a 0.1% lead. I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, but it's looking like Biden has a real shot at only losing by a little. Nothing says the Democratic Party more than, guys, great news, we are doing less worse. Five eighths full speed ahead.

Are you guys filled with hope, optimism? What's happening over there? Callie and I were just talking about this. I almost feel like it's like, well, the level of, it's almost like, who will not vote? It's just sort of like, well, fewer of their people not vote than ours. Right. Like, if people are not motivated, it's almost like, I don't know, it's like a war of attrition. Yeah. It's competitive apathy. Yes, that's exactly right. And I think both sides have the capability to win that war. Yeah. What do you think?

I know. I actually, unfortunately, ruthlessly believe Biden will win. Oh, well, we need hope. We need some of that energy. That's great. No, you can hear in my Germanic voice that I should not be the voice of optimism on this show. Not dressed like that. No. Yeah, you're covered with optimism. It's like, oh, no, I belong in the band's craft work moaning about robots and the Autobahn. I should not be talking about the hope of America. Speaking of Donald Trump's campaign, the man shouted out one of his idols at a campaign rally over the weekend.

Silence of the Lamb. Has anyone ever seen a Silence of the Lamb? The late, great Hannibal Lecter is a wonderful man. He oftentimes would have a friend for dinner. Okay, this makes no sense because Hannibal Lecter is not dead. If Hannibal is dead, then who was that nice doctor I shared a meal with last night? The liver was excellent.

Okay, unfortunately, I found this part of his speech relatable, as sometimes on Keep It, I just run out of things to talk about and bring up movies I've seen. He has all those people there, and of course, no actual information on any issues. So I'm surprised he doesn't resort to this tactic more often. There's a crisis at the border, and also at A24, Boaz Afraid did nothing for me. Okay.

I think one of the funny things about him is his weird pseudo connections to pop culture. Once upon a time, he was, of course, way more obsessed with hanging out with celebrities, but he's also seen maybe four movies in his life and he occasionally will bring those up. Well, we were saying like,

his taste in movies very much solidified when he became famous. And that you see that with a lot of famous people where you just sort of like atrophy at that point where you become famous and you never move past that point. Right. And it really seems like his takes and all of his pop culture just stopped in 1994. This reminds me of when Britney Spears was a judge on X Factor. Uh,

when she was a musical judge for a very brief moment, there was some artist, and of course, Britney Spears is not going to be very critical. She's a bubbly Paula Abdul type. She said about somebody, oh, you kind of remind me of Lauryn Hill, which I think was the last time she was paying attention to music. That sounds about right. And she's arguably the most miseducated person we know. Hey, and if you've got to go out on an album, that's not a terrible one to go out on. You know, I think several of us could have just cashed in at that moment. You're like, to Zion's the last moment we have. Yeah.

Does Trump ever bring up his own cameo in Home Alone 2? Because everyone else does. He should. That would be smart. Does he ever bring it up? No. No. But that's actually, at this point, that's all he should talk about. Because people are like, oh yeah, I like that movie. I'll vote for it. My hot take, that's better than the first one. With that exception of the cameo. I think the plans that Kevin draws up in it are much better and more realistic. Even though the house is not realistic because it's filled with abysses. Right.

Like, oops, you fell in three stories. Makes no sense. It does make you want to ask questions about the family's financial situation. It was like, so everyone in your family is rich because the family is staying in Paris while their house is redone. Right. And their house is being apparently completely gutted.

Yeah, like completely got to the point where it's just a big, hollowed out hall. It makes no sense. Yeah, it's very confusing. Some sort of shady business. Yeah. I assume the risk with him bringing up that movie is that all the actors in it probably hate him. So maybe it's a press cycle he's afraid of. It's a real Daniel Radcliffe to J.K. Rowling situation. Oh, yeah. You don't want to get Brenda Fricker mad. Trump then tried to connect the fictional cannibal to his recent talking point, migrant crime. But Hannibal Lecter...

Congratulations, the late great Hannibal Lecter. We have people that are being released into our country that we don't want in our country.

I've got bad news, Trump. I saw Silence of the Lambs. That bitch is from Baltimore. Hannibal Lecter didn't sneak across the border. He got a yearly pass to the incredible Walters Art Museum. What does he think Hannibal Lecter is? I think he thinks that he met Hannibal Lecter at a party in 1990. Like at a luncheon? Like somebody mentioned Hannibal Lecter enough that he's convinced himself. It's like, yeah, I met him. I know that guy. He died, though. What a great person he was. The late great is so interesting. Insane.

Did he meet a cannibal at a party? Yeah, for sure. For sure he did. Yeah, no, he's not dead.

Did he know that? We don't know about that part. He met like a, what do you call it? The greatest game, the greatest hunt. Like I feel I could see him being at a party where something like that was being discussed and he has just decided that that person is Hannibal Lecter. Right. It's a lot of conflating going on in his head though. Cause you know, Anthony Hopkins isn't a fan of him. So I don't know what is the familiarity is very strange there. I'm so sorry to unpack this man's psychosis. We're not going to get anywhere. No,

The veil between reality and fiction to him is very porous. And I think this is just where we're at with it. Right. Frankly, it's nice to be having a conversation about Hannibal that's not taking place on Tumblr. Dang. Yes. Reddit, etc. Also, let me get this straight. Trump's issue with Hannibal is not him being a cannibal, but the fact that he is Lithuanian? What is happening here? Interestingly, this is not the only movie Trump returns to again and again. Here's him praising two of his absolute favorites.

Let's get Gone With The Wind. Can we get like Gone With The Wind back, please? Sunset Boulevard. First of all, I'm always blown away he's a huge fan of Gone With The Wind because what that requires is you to listen to a woman for three hours. Almost four. You're telling me he's like Vivien Leigh Slade. Right.

Sunset Boulevard I believe that because it's like a Hollywood obsessed story and like the woman's desperate in that one and you get to be like the cool guy William Holden detective that's a little more believable I feel like he'd like that yeah yeah a death like a monkey died during it yeah right he's been to a chimp funeral at some point in his life yeah no for sure and it won't be the last um

Yeah.

National Enquirer, if you're not familiar, is like Highlights magazine for senile adults and perverts who were once unsterned. Forecasting the effect of Daniel's story, Cohen claimed, Trump said to me, this is a disaster, a total disaster. Women are going to hate me. That's right. The first ever reason for women to hate Trump. Finally, his broken perfect record. Up until then, he was like shopping and true crime. They all loved it.

What do we think of that quote? Do you think he literally thought, finally, women were going to dislike me? He had never... That thought had never dawned on him before. I think, honestly, yes. I think he thinks of himself as a ladies' man. He's like, women love me. Oh, my God. Finally, they're going to see the truth about me. This is not someone who has self-awareness. Yeah, I guess. I think he thinks... He's like, I've had all these beautiful women. I think he thinks he's like...

He's got it. It's just so interesting because I feel like he was almost the first person who taught me what the word sexist was like a one like people on the news would call him sexist stuff. But I guess he can just black out that part of the conversation. I think it's like in order to be Donald Trump, like if you're Donald Trump, you cannot perceive Donald Trump like he cannot be self-aware or else you'd be like, oh, God, sorry.

I'm disgusting. I have to. Sorry, I'll change right now. When I used to be an entertainment journalist, I would ask people if they were cool, who their least favorite celebrity was. And the reason I did this, this is years and years ago, well before he was president or whatever. My answer was always Donald Trump, because not only was he, you know, the face of capitalism in the Western hemisphere, he was insistent. You think he is cool? Yeah, absolutely. He couldn't just be the evil rich guy. He was like, no, you have to want to be me, too.

You know, it's like Elon Musk. It's like he wants people to think he's funny. It's like, what are you talking about? Just be an insane tech billionaire. You're not like a funny person. And that's, of course, a huge part of his thing, too. Like, you have to think I'm funny. That's part of my invulnerability, my charm, et cetera. I'm I was thinking it was going to be therapeutic to talk about him to this degree. I'm feeling worse. I'm

feeling worse. Move it along. Move it along. We're sorry. Continued Trump, this is really a disaster. Women will hate me. Guys, they think it's cool, but this is going to be a disaster for the campaign. He's so right, as one of the boys. I hated Trump until I heard him say, grab him by the pussy. And then I thought,

He's cool. The boys. A presidency for the boys. I mean, that at least, I can hear him saying it, but it's still sickening. He'd say the guys. Presidency for the guys. There's a, at Kimmel, I have a co-writer at work, Keaton Patty, hello, who will not stop doing that version of an impression of Trump. It's so hard. You just slip into it so easily. No, but you don't. You don't slip into it that easy. I feel like I'm

I've heard thousands of hours of this man talking. It's in there. Yeah. We are AI for him. Like we could all do a Trump. And he always slips into the part of his voice. He goes, and then they do this. Like where it gets a little bit like the show dinosaurs. Yeah. Yeah. Cohen also testified that it was allegedly Melania Trump who suggested they described Trump's infamous access Hollywood video as locker room talk. Wow. So succession is based on her. I knew it.

Melania Trump's knowledge of locker room talk is something only a woman who grew up near a Russian prison locker room could know. She then retreated to her turret and wept for another 23 hours. I feel like no one has cried more. She's like Leslie Gore in the song It's My Party. In their coverage, the New York Times noted, this is by no means a comment on the prosecution's case, but there is a member of the public sleeping at the back of the courtroom and occasionally letting out a snore.

Okay, if sleep apnea is making the New York Times now, my fame card will be coming up soon.

I think it would be hard not to sleep in that courtroom. Oh, I'd be riveted. Are you kidding me? You think so? It is about bookkeeping. It's a very boring topic. But when it comes down to it, and I'm a person who would go down to the courthouse and just like when you could get into things, I would just get into things. I would watch anything happening. But I would be riveted. It's the first precedent that we have on trial. True. I would not be asleep. You would be bringing a notebook like Harriet the Spy. Yeah. Well, that is the model for my childhood. Yeah.

Another corrupt politician news. The trial of Senator Robert Menendez started this week where the New Jersey Democrat stands accused of steering funding and military aid to Egypt in exchange for bribes. As you might remember, FBI investigators found 13 bars of gold bullion and more than $480,000 in cash in the home he shares with his wife, Nadine. Now throw that gold bullion in a pot with some shallots and carrots and maybe we got an embezzlement stew going on.

What a good old fashioned piece of shit he is. Petty thievery, a greedy wife, some light treason. This is why John Grisham picks up the typewriter. He's like, let's go. Let's adapt. Tom Cruise, are you available? Nadine's trial starts in July, but the New York Times reports Robert Menendez's defense seems ready to blame the lion's share of the senator's wrongdoing on his wife. OK, Senator Macbeth.

Just like a man blaming his wife to get out of something. I'm looking at you, Clarence Thomas, and the gifts of Winnebago's you get or whatever. At a dinner Nadine Menendez organized between her husband and Egyptian officials in D.C., she allegedly asked, what else can the love of my life do for you?

Then she sipped from a chalice made of snakes and cackled at the sky. Unfortunately, she rules a little bit. It's a little obvious. In the wake of her dog murder scandal, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem has been banned from six reservations by tribal authorities, effectively barring her from 20% of the state. Now, Noem had no way of knowing this in advance, but it turns out many indigenous cultures of North America consider it somewhat taboo to shoot a puppy in the face. LAUGHTER

But don't worry. In a stunning coincidence, it's the 20% of the state she was already ignoring entirely. I've seen a lot of people comparing her to Cruella de Vil, but honestly, Cruella de Vil just wanted a coat. Christy, meanwhile, saw a pet enjoying some poultry too much and thought, mm, death penalty.

Is this the end of Kristi Noem? Do people like her survive things like this? They always do. Yeah. Very short memories. Yeah. She just stands near Mount Rushmore. Like, what else is there to do in South Dakota? I say this affectionately. I

I feel like once the RFK brain worm news came in, I was like, we'll see her again in six months and no one will remember any of this. We'll see her again in six months standing next to Donald Trump at the RNC. There was some statement like, oh, Trump said there's no way I would have her as a VP. I'm like, I don't think... In three months, that could be not true. She could kill enough dogs to...

balance it out. We don't know what will happen. But yeah, that's obviously what she's angling for. I can't believe she threatened Joe Biden's dog, too. She's like, and while I'm at it, and I've still got this gun in my hand. She's literally Andrew Little Dog 2 energy. Yes. Maybe shout out Margaret Hamilton, one of the great character actresses of all time. You haven't watched The Wizard of Oz recently? The only classic movie where everybody in it is a character actor, and the lead straight man is fucking Judy Carland.

How did we get away with it? It makes no sense. Over in Europe, Israel came in fifth in this year's Eurovision Song Contest after weeks of pro-Palestinian protests at the competition. See, if Israel just used the weapons the U.S. sends them to win Eurovision and only to win Eurovision, maybe they'd have my support. I'm just saying.

For months, protesters had called for Eurovision to ban Israel from the competition as they did Russia in 2022 following its invasion of Ukraine. But the people in charge of Eurovision knew Israel wasn't going to be that good. So they just left it alone. Do you guys all watch Eurovision? Sure did. From start to finish. I watched like a good fifth of it.

I did. Yeah, I did semifinal one, which was not great. The lineups were not stacked well. Semifinal two was much, much better and had better performances and then went on to the finale. What was really surprising about the Israel vote is the way Eurovision works is you have the jury votes and then you have the votes that can come in from the populations of the countries plus anyone else who wants to vote throughout the world. So Israel's...

The jury vote had them, they were on the right side of the board, which is where you don't want to be. Yeah, they were in like 14th or 15th place or something. Exactly. And so then once the population vote came in, they got the highest population vote of anyone in the country.

the competition with 323 points. Which was not surprising to me at all. It was, well, it was, it's not surprising, but it definitely was interesting when you look at all of the protests that was happening prior, which was being reported on a lot in the lead up to the competition and would have made it seem as though, you know, like this was something, their participation was something that a lot of Europeans were very much against. Right. But,

That was clearly not the case. But also, I mean, like that probably ginned up the audience vote. You know what I mean? People thought they had a reason to support them further. And for a song that like, frankly, everything aside, not great. And I will say, like for me, I can say great things about former Israeli contestants. Eden Malin is one of my favorite Eurovision contestants ever. She was an Ethiopian Israeli who competed three or four years ago. Great performance.

But this one, it just wasn't good. No. Also, I just think the crop of songs this year wasn't that good. But Netta was from Israel a couple years ago with the song Toy. Yes. That's, I mean, one of the great Eurovision songs of the past decade. No, I barely even remember this year's entry. It was also so beside the point, given all the protesting, etc. But the fact is, it shouldn't be beside the point.

If people are going to be talking about a contestant, the song should be memorable. I was actually somewhat relieved Croatia didn't win with their bro-y energy song. What's their name? It's Baby Lasagna. I don't want to say that. I kept calling their lead singer Alistair and his Queen of the Damned era. Yes. Oh, we need more Anne Rice references here. Hey, Interview with the Vampire is back. Yes. Season two. That was a good season of TV, the first one. Yes.

Excellent. In the end, Switzerland's Nemo bested Croatian crooner Baby Lasagna to take the crown. While Baby Lasagna's performance was unquestionably rich and layered, in the end it simply had too much ricotta. Baby, come on, jokes.

They are the first winner from Switzerland since 1988 when Celine Dion competed under the Swiss flag and won. Celine Dion, as you know, is the first person to be born at 46 years of age and remain 46 for her entire career. So happy 46th birthday, Celine, wherever you are and whenever you hear this.

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Each year, the International Rescue Committee's Emergency Watchlist Report assesses the 20 countries at greatest risk of new or worsening humanitarian emergencies. These countries are home to only 10.6% of the world's population, but carry a disproportionate burden of global humanitarian crisis. The civil war in Sudan has left over 24 million in need of humanitarian aid.

while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis

and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. And I walk pundit. I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Ha ha ha!

Healthy, very healthy call. That's real. That's real. Sorry, Dr. Christie, I can't do therapy. I got to go on Anderson Cooper. You can watch. I'll be saying the same things I'll be saying to you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash love it to get 10% off your first month. Obviously,

Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it.

Hi, I'm Stacey Abrams, host of the brand new Crooked podcast, Assembly Required with Stacey Abrams. Each week, we'll work together to better understand one of those big issues that seems insurmountable. Whether it's the Electoral College, America's loneliness epidemic, or the future of Hollywood post-strikes, I'll challenge you to dig in and ask, how do we get here? What obstacles lie ahead? And what can we do to get good done? Are you in?

Episodes of Assembly Required with Stacey Abrams are available starting August 15th. Head to your favorite audio platform and subscribe now so you never miss an episode. This weekend, SNL spoofed two iconic moments in pop culture history in one sketch, and I, Louis Vertel, a gay person.

Would be remiss if I didn't break them down for you in a special edition of gay news. Perfect. It was beautiful. Thank you. First up, there's this moment. And action. I love curling up with a rich cup of coffee. I could drink a day or night. Which is a reference to a real commercial starring the iconic Lauren Bacall talking about decaf.

My favorite time of day is night. I love having a rich cup of coffee. You think coffee and sleep don't mix? They do if it's high point. Incredible. God, she's perfect. The trick to this commercial is coffee is hot, but Lauren is bone chilling. Your senses are immediately confused.

These commercials are also referenced in a scene from Crazy Stupid Love, where Emma Stone impersonates Lauren Bacall while flirting with Ryan Gosling, which is so something I would do. I love curling up with a rich cup of coffee. What, you think coffee and sleep don't mix? Well, they do if it's high point.

Crazy stupid love. If you watch it drunk, it's practically La La Land. Just a reference that all 28, 30 year olds are making. Yeah, no, I was very grateful for this sort of thing. We need these sort of things kept alive. And I assume the homosexuals at SNL are responsible for this. So, Bo and Jimmy Foley, I'm watching. I had to explain it to my husband when it happened. He did not, nothing, just nothing registered. And yet more has to be explained. Then we blend seamlessly into this moment.

Why? Because tip-top coffee. Can you please leave? Who, me? I'm the cameraman. Well, you're right in my eyeline, and I don't like that. That's, of course, the fabulous Maya Rudolph hosting, by the way. But that's also a callback to a different video, this one a behind-the-scenes clip of a truly chaotic Faye Dunaway shoot. The audience, they're so close, I feel I can touch them. Our eyes meet, an emotional connection. It's thrilling.

You know I love playing women. Could you leave, please? You're right in my eye line. It's too good. It's too good. By the way, this is an honest observation about living in Los Angeles if you've never visited. If you want to hear an amazing story about Faye Dunaway, whether on a movie set, at a restaurant, in a limo, wherever, go up to literally anybody over the age of 47 in Los Angeles, I guarantee you they have a Faye Dunaway story.

I was at a party recently and I met a woman who said she ran a salon. I said, do you have a Faye Dunaway story? With trauma in her eyes. She talked about working in costuming on the set of a commercial where Faye purposely rubbed red lipstick on ivory white pants on set so that she would have to dry clean them on the spot.

It's clear Faye Dunaway has had some wild problems over the years, and they will be chronicled in an upcoming documentary about her. But I say all this not to vilify, but to deify, because celebrities should be terrifying. We should not feel comfortable approaching them. In fact, approachability is the enemy. There is not a single relatable thing about Faye Dunaway, even though it is her job to resemble a human being on screen. And as you can see in that commercial, she fails at it sometimes.

This is as God intended. Do you guys have much Faye Dunaway Q? I feel like this generation is totally unaware of her. I mean, I love Bonnie and Clyde. Great movie. I watch it like once a year, but that's pretty much my... That's my Faye Dunaway. I love her cameo appearance in the Pierce Brosnan and Thomas Crown Affair. My favorite movie. She's great in that, but I'm...

What's your favorite? And she, of course, is in the original Thomas Cronifer with hair bundled up and a chignon. Look up the word. What is your favorite Faye Dunaway movie? Her Oscar winning turn in Network, I think, is important because she just plays an executive who will stop at nothing. And I love when we give Oscars to horrible female characters. Like there's only a handful of them, really. You know, you got your Kathy Bates in Misery, who actually also has some sort of winning qualities in that movie, strangely. Yeah.

But otherwise, I love her in Three Days of the Condor. I love her in The Very Crazy Eyes of Laura Mars, where she's a photographer who takes pictures of people and then can predict who foresees terrible things happening to them. And Mommy Dearest, by the way, is a good performance. It is.

The two campy moments you're familiar with are over the top. They are wild. But I think the movie is actually a little bit better than people remember. Much recommended. Who it would be the millennial version of anytime you ask a millennial a story about XYZ person. Yeah. Wow. Well, I think I want it to be someone like Deborah Messing, who I imagine you just meet and she's immediately frantic.

Yeah. That said, maybe not. I don't know. I think people are so much better behaved now and fearful of seeming chaotic. Right. No, I think unfortunately Faye Dunaway is the last of the, I mean, just asking someone to get out of your eyeline because you exist. It's so funny. It's so good.

Anyway, the man behind the viral photo of the dress, which we all collectively could not decide was either gold and white or black and blue, pleaded guilty to an attempted strangling of his wife this week. For a second, I thought I expected better from this guy. But then I remembered the only reason he's famous is because his phone has a shitty camera. So, no, I expect nothing. I really was wrapped up in that situation. I can't. Why? Why would we get defensive about seeing colors?

I've never been able to see it as blue and black. Really? I must trust you all. And I do. I was like, that's fine. I don't need to see everything. You guys just tell me what it looks like. Yeah, it has always been white and gold. It's white and gold right now. I'm thinking, I don't know. There's probably some vision reason. I'm like, well, some magic eye. You're just not that smart. I'm not. I'm not.

Whoever I work with, they know that I'm not. I hope he was in the courtroom saying, I couldn't help it, Your Honor. I was red with rage or green with envy. You be the judge.

This crime was unforgivable, unless his wife said the dress was white and gold, in which case you're going in there with him. Speaking of psychopaths, the internet grew concerned when a photo emerged of a baby lying on the floor of Taylor Swift's Paris Arena show. First of all, how could someone that young afford floor seats? It makes no sense. Let me tell you, they're a lot cheaper over there. Oh, is that true? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, $2.50 for Beyonce. Wow, okay. People are livid, but I'm not too worried by this since it's not my baby. Okay.

Fans are angry because the baby strapped down and kicking its little legs technically had stronger choreography than Taylor. Guys, I'm so sorry. When people post the clips of her strutting and they're like, she nailed it this time. I'm like, I believe she is walking. Yeah. She has to get from place to place. That's simply how the earth works.

Yep. Yeah. I'll say something bad about her. I just feel like if you're 35, you have to learn to dance. I'm sorry. Like, okay, you're 22. You don't know how to dance yet. Do a leap, learn how to dance. You got to learn it. Like there's no, you can't just, it's not even stylish walking around. It's just walking. How? Why are we allowing it? She, yeah. Yeah. She, um, you seem like a big fan. It just, I'm trying to, I'm trying not to be,

Because sometimes Hallie and I are attacked for being. I don't care. She's fine. She lives in a mansion. She's going to be fine. And she's going to be fine without ever fucking completing a good eight count in her goddamn days. She doesn't have to. Okay.

People still bring their babies to her concerts. Which, I mean, she's making music for people between the ages of 6 and 14. So, like, this makes sense. Yes. I do kind of miss the reputation era when she would, like, kind of squat down and slap her thighs and that counted as a dance move. I call that era, did you know I'm a bitch now? Yeah. I miss that a little bit. She's going to be 40 soon. Yeah. You have to...

it's almost like you can't get away with this never learning to dance. Like that's somehow that seems impossible to me. Why? She doesn't need it to evolve though. She's done the same thing for years and it's just fine for her. That's because mediocrity is accepted a lot more when you are a white woman. You'll know that

But also, like, I want to say, like, there are versions of being a very powerful, like Elton John is not dancing, for example. Of course. You can sit and perform at the instrument, but she makes gestures towards dancing. Yes. Which I guess people also find that endearing. Like, oh, I'm not a good dancer myself. It's nice to see that projected on stage. She's so relatable. I don't pick.

I don't pay money to see myself projected from the stage. I pay money to see the triumvirate of performance overall, to see a vocal. I want a vocal. I want someone to do a standing backflip. I want a dance break. I go to a show with a dance break memorized. I did not memorize the diva dance break for nothing. That's right. Yes. There's a lot at stake here. Yes.

Once upon a time, all the pop stars were choreographed by Paula Abdul. I missed that. Yeah. You would hit the account with Paula, please. People nowadays don't know anything about, I think Ira said it before, about a boom cack. Yeah. Like, I just... When Taylor does interviews again, that should be the first question. Yeah. Yeah.

When's the last time we got an interview with her? That wasn't like the Time 100. Yeah, I mean, and I can say the same thing for my fave, too. It's just like this whole trend of celebrities interviewing celebrities is so, so boring. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough. When I saw this picture for the first time, I was not concerned. I assumed this was the average age of a Taylor Swift fan. Moving right along. A third Downton Abbey movie was announced this week, complete with a returning Paul Giamatti. Just when you thought it was safe to speak out of turn. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh. You guys, Violet Crawley allegedly passed away last time. That's Maggie Smith's role. But you know that's a Michael Myers situation. Is she really dead? Did you lower the casket yourself? No?

Then I assure you she's still puttering up and down those corridors. It'll be six more movies before Lady Mary decapitates her in Downton Resurrection. She'll show up on the Gilded Age as like a younger version of herself. But she's one of those people who's looked the same for decades. Yeah, really? No, if you look her look at her in Hook, it's the same person. I assume they will find a way to get her in this movie. They'll meet like a baron who invented holograms or something. They don't give a fuck.

And finally, a curator from New York's American Museum of Natural History was detained Monday after allegedly smuggling 1,500 scorpion and spider samples out of Turkey. This led officers to say, Nicholas Cage, please stop curating at New York's American Museum of Natural History.

Somewhere in Turkey, there is a man printing thousands of lost posters for each of his pet scorpions. Now, actually, there's a weird method to all this. Authorities believe the samples were meant to be used to manufacture venom. And according to CBS News, a liter of scorpion venom can be worth roughly $10 million. The reason is that it can be used as a slightly less expensive alternative to printer ink. Come on.

Come on, Joe. We're in the wrong business. Yeah, I know. 10 mil for one scorpion? You just gotta fill your quote with scorpions. That's not hard. Yeah. Happens to me all the time. I don't even pay for it. If they're in a pocket, they're not like fast moving or anything. No. And you know, I think I've watched enough venom milking videos on TikTok. And I bet you have. I'll tell you right now, you have, Kendra. Yeah.

The algorithm knows what I need to be doing. Even if I don't yet. I'm just saying, please stop trying to manufacture more venom. I hated the first three movies. Guys, picture me in that theater. I'm not having a good time. Picture me there. Thank you so much for having me on this show. See you sluts on the internet. Once again, we do important work here. Yes. Yeah, good for you guys or whatever. Love it or leave it. It's love it or leave it. Straight. Shoot. Talk.

Thank you.

Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Chris Lord is our producer. And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mahana Del Shiki are our writers.

Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, David Tolles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing video each week so you can.

Didn't they come out as Happy Meal toys as well? Yeah, there were mini versions of the Happy Meals. Because I had the original Lizzie and then the little Lizzie. Well, the American Girl did the same thing. You could get the regular-sized doll, but then the Just Like You doll, you could get a mini historical doll for your doll. Wait, was that at McDonald's? No, no, no. This was just

Another way that the Pleasant Company was making money. Oh, I was going to say, if American girls had any interaction with McDonald's, that's way too radical. Honestly, it would ruin the brand. Oh, I would not be surprised if that happened now. They're doing Harry Potter and Disney partnerships. Let's keep it unholy. All right. All right. So I'm just starting this way right here? Yeah. Okay.

Hey, it's Love It. Quick reminder that you can still snag tickets for Pod Save America and Love It or Leave It's tour stops at a city near you. The next tour date coming up is Love It or Leave It on June 19th in Charlotte, North Carolina. It's going to be great. I love Charlotte, even though I'm technically a Miranda who thinks she's a Carrie. To claim your seats, go to crooked.com slash events.