What a Weekday: Noem More Dead Dogs feat. Maria Bamford
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Hey, everybody, it's Love It. Before we get to the show today, I mentioned this on Pod Save America, but I also wanted to let you know here, I am taking a couple weeks off to work on something. I don't want to say more now, but I'm very excited to tell you about it when I'm back. And have no fear, while I'm out, we've lined up an absolutely bonkers lineup of guest hosts, Maria Bamford, Andy Richter, Louis Vertel, Larry Wilmore, Adam Rippon, Matt Rogers, Ian Carmel, Langston Kerman, and Guy Branum. This week, we kick things off with two comedy legends. We have Maria Bamford-

On today's show and Andy Richter hosting the live show, Tickets for That Show with Andy, which records on Thursday night, that's two days from now, are on sale and will go fast. Get tickets for that show and all of these special shows at crooked.com slash events. And listen, am I worried that they're going to be too good and I'll no longer be able to run through the hall shouting, I am the talent. I am the only indispensable person.

Yeah, sure. I am worried about that. Anyway, see you in a few weeks. I'll be back for our first tour show in North Carolina next month. But without further ado, on to the show with our very first guest host, the incredible, the legendary, the one and only Maria Bamford. Avid listener of the show, Becky. It's the Indiana primary today, and she seems to be working the polls. And she posted that she didn't know that they make the poll workers say, hear ye, hear ye, the polls are open.

And I think make might be a strong word, having worked the polls in New Jersey before and having never heard that. I think that might be an Indiana thing. And I'm wondering if anyone else has worked the polls and ever heard that. How weirdly specific and archaic. Hear ye, hear ye. I think the Renaissance Fair is also going on right now. It is. Yeah. So many of my friends were at that this weekend.

And I do feel like there's a heavy crossover between red fair goers and people who genuinely care about voting. I feel like that seems right. Did the people opening the polls also have a little flask of whiskey between their breasts? Ooh, no, but that's a great addition. That would get people out there. That would get volunteers. Yeah. I think this is an overlooked voter, like,

Like outreach program. It's just like set up booths at Ren Fairs. Yes, it's historically inaccurate, but tap into that market. Why not? We should be doing that. Why are we not at the Ren Fair? Turkey legs for all. Hi, I'm Maria Bamford. I'm the guest host of Love It or Leave It. What a weekday! Thank you for having me. Let's get into it.

RFK Jr. landed an endorsement from a very recognizable name this week, disgraced actor Kevin Spacey. Spacey tweeted in support of Kennedy's presidential bid, saying, There's a lot I can learn from this man. When the world turned its back on me, Bobby leaned in. He's a formidable fighter for justice and a loyal friend that's not afraid to stand up for what he believes.

Was that a terrible impersonation? It sent chills up my spine. Remember when he was doing the every Christmas he would release an ominous video that we all had to watch for some reason? Reminding us he's still alive. Well, as an advocate for mental health, I'd like to say that crazy is not a diagnosis.

RFK Jr. is not one of us. I am a certified peer specialist with the state of California, and I can acknowledge, though, that RFK Jr. does have symptoms of spasmodic dysphonia. An idiot. It could be both. Okay. You could have both. Right. Both the things. It's possible to just be a dum-dum and not need meds at all.

This week, we get into the sexiest part of Donald's hush money trial, the bookkeeping. I have to say numbers are sexy. My hubby had a credit score of 550 on our first date. I asked for his credit score, but he owned his 95 Saturn outright. My husband has also invoiced me for butt play, but I billed him back for blogging about it. Okay. Okay.

On Monday, jurors got to take a look at the allegedly fake records behind Trump's 34 felony charges of falsifying records. Ex-Trump Organization Comptroller Jeffrey McConaughey testified about the 12 payments of $35,000 made to Trump's fixer, Michael Cohen, in the last days of Trump's 2016 presidential campaign. And I know what you're thinking. Trump Comptroller? No one can control that man. Laughter

McConaughey said the money was categorized on Trump.org paperwork as Cohen's retainer. However, Cohen did not have a retainer with the company at the time. But judging by that bottom row, maybe it should have gone to Michael Cohen's Invisalign, honey. Instead...

The payments came from one of Trump's personal bank accounts. Talk about lack of consent. Trump 1099 Stormy's LLC from his heavy breathing escort. Look, we've all fudged payments for deductions. My sketcher Snoop Dogg slip-ons don't count as a costume. And the three canned margaritas I just...

Drink alone aren't research. Maybe Trump needs a spending plan. What he needs to do, you set aside a paper envelope and you put in bubble letters on it in pink, sex worker hush money, and then anytime you have an extra dollar, you put it in the envelope. Next time you need it, it's there.

Prosecutors allege the money was reimbursement for the cash Cohen paid Stormy Daniels in exchange for her silence while sleeping with Donald Trump. On the other hand, that's just natural. You keep quiet about it. Keep it on the DL. Mr. McConaughey finished testifying. Trump appeared to give him two fist pump gestures as he left the stand. What?

I can't believe that's real. He's kind of physically falling apart because he's also falling asleep and farting. I feel like his body's just losing control. Like, concaving it on itself. Oh, my God. Did he let out a couple of goose? Marie, I wish he'd been here the last two weeks. He was part of a storm. Now he's just gesturing wildly. It's like an Adam Sandler movie in here. Oh, my God. That's kind of... I want to say the word wonderful. I want to say wonderful, but I...

That's so gross and wonderful. These fist pump gestures could either mean McConaughey met Trump's expectations or he was experiencing a specific type of tinnitus where you occasionally hear the opening bars of the Village People's YMCA. Also on Monday, Judge Juan Merchan found Trump in contempt for

It's time for violating his gag order. You're threatening, threatening the former president with jail time if he continues. You do that just an eleventh more time. I'll dang you. Can we literally gag him at this point or have Stormy do it because she's the only professional in this courtroom? Said Judge Merchan. Mr. Trump, it's important you... Does my...

This sounds a lot like my other impersonation of a man. Mr. Trump, it's important you understand the last thing I want you to do is put you in jail. Really? Why would that be the last thing? Don't you as a judge kind of want to...

Or be kind of not on the fence about putting someone on the jail at the very least. You were the former president of the United States and possibly the next president as well. Oh, my God. In fact, don't remind me. You said everyone in the courtroom in a chorus. The judge fined Trump $1,000, adding to his previous fines of $9,000, a grand for each violation. There goes the spray tan budget. It's a good thing he gets the 10th visit.

Free. That's right. Gratis. That's how it works. Outside in what we hope is a bit of viral marketing, several people in masks from the home invasion horror movie The Strangers stood staring at the courthouse. Yeah, sort of an assembly of terrifying masked individuals. It kind of evokes the viral marketing that they were doing for that movie Smile a few years ago, if you remember that. Where people were creepily smiling at baseball games, basically sitting behind the home plate. Oh my God, that's terrifying.

They found a way to make this all more unsettling. Yeah, not great. Not a great development. I think we can all agree. This is clearly political commentary. I think they're referencing how Trump sat on his hand before putting it into the Bible to be sworn in. I don't know the reference to this putting...

Now, we did talk about this. We did talk about this, and we did make a decision together to put this joke in, and I was very honored. I didn't write it. It's not my joke. No, you sit on your sleeping hand. This is a millennial. Your hand, that's fine. You sit on your normal hand, and it falls asleep when you sit on it. Yeah. And then you masturbate with it. You masturbate with it because you don't know what your hand is doing. Your right hand doesn't know what your left hand is doing.

Has anyone read the Bible? Okay. We're putting it on the Bible to be sworn in. Okay. The F, I'm going to move on. The FAA opened a new investigation into Boeing this week after the company admitted to employees that it might not have completed inspections on certain Boeing 787 Dreamliners.

The offending planes will be rebranded as Screamliners. Meanwhile, Boeing's Starliner space capsule was set to be launched Monday night, the program's first launch carrying human pilots. I'm sorry, they're letting who send a what where and carrying what? Ah!

So sorry if you're sick of hearing about challengers lately, but I believe we have another challenger on the way. Jesus! That's not good. However, the launch was called off due to a stuck valve. Oh.

Am I right? The Starliner program has dealt with a number of problems on its journey into orbit, including a 2019 attempt that failed after a clock was set to the wrong time and caused the engine thrusters to ignite too early.

But they ignited it at exactly the right time if you live in Cupertino. To the Boeing Starliner, you got this, Diva. Everyone suffers from imposter syndrome every now and then. Don't let anyone tell you you aren't an aircraft safe for human passenger or that you don't have the right amount of bolts, that you don't have to go to school for that.

This week's manned launch was initially scheduled for last year, but was scuttled after it was discovered that tape used to wrap hundreds of feet of wiring was flammable. In addition to the craft's parachute lines being weaker than expected...

What's the hurry to leave Earth? Is there something I should know about, guys? Oh, Maria. I'm sorry. This is where you find out it's all bad. It's all bad down here. Would you rather at this point get in a spacecraft manufactured by Boeing or a spacecraft manufactured by SpaceX? SpaceX. SpaceX has had manned launches that actually did work.

And honest to God, when we were writing this, I was like, boy, I feel bad that making you talk about the news. And it seemed to be worse when this shuttle explodes. And then they literally stopped it because it had a malfunction. Listen, I don't want to get sued by Boeing, but something is mad wrong over there. It's not something you really want to leave up to chance in any way. I say whatever.

We let the, I believe it's a worker-owned company, Southwest, get in on this. Give them a shot. Wait, is Southwest worker-owned? No, it's not. Oh, okay. I was going to be like, wow. Wouldn't that be wonderful? It should be. It should be, and then it could also make stops on the way to space. All right. All right. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Each year, the International Rescue Committee's Emergency Watchlist Report assesses the 20 countries at greatest risk of new or worsening humanitarian emergencies. These countries are home to only 10.6% of the world's population, but carry a disproportionate burden of global humanitarian crisis. The civil war in Sudan has left over 24 million in need of humanitarian aid.

while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis,

and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. And I walk pundit. I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Oh.

Healthy, very healthy call. That's real. That's real. Sorry, Dr. Christie, I can't do therapy. I got to go on Anderson Cooper. You can watch. I'll be saying the same things I'll be saying to you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash love it to get 10% off your first month.

Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it.

Hi, I'm Stacey Abrams, host of the brand new Crooked podcast, Assembly Required with Stacey Abrams. Each week, we'll work together to better understand one of those big issues that seems insurmountable. Whether it's the Electoral College, America's loneliness epidemic, or the future of Hollywood post-strikes, I'll challenge you to dig in and ask, how do we get here? What obstacles lie ahead? And what can we do to get good done? Are you in?

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Bernie Sanders announced he'll be seeking a fourth term this week. In his announcement video, 82-year-old Vermont Senator railed against pharmaceutical companies, called for global cuts to carbon emissions, and demanded the nation codify Roe versus Wade. I'm half his age. Am I half his age?

Am I half his age? No, I'm very close to his age. And I'm exhausted just getting through this monologue. So good for him. Give him hell, Bernie. Bernie also said of Trump versus Biden. This 2024 election is the most consequential election in our lifetimes. Will the United States continue to even function as a democracy?

Or will we move to an authoritarian form of government? His skin is glowing. He looks great. He does. The extremely old and infirm are now taking her jobs. I say we build a curb. Over the weekend, Kristi Noem defended shooting her baby puppy cricket.

As described in the South Dakota governor's new memoir, the lady does kill dogs too much. While a guest on CBS's Face the Nation, Noam declared that it is

President Biden's dog commander who should be put down. Joe Biden's dog has attacked 24 Secret Service people. So how many people is enough people to be attacked and dangerously hurt before you make a decision on a dog and what to do with it? Well, he's not living at the White House anymore. That's the question that the president should be held accountable to.

Never not surprising that her full glam is the full glam of a New Jersey housewife. It's never not shocking. Oh, I'm going to get, when I get my face left, that's what it's going to look like. You're going to get a face that's going to rip off my head. Like, that's what I want. That, like, her face is gone. Yeah, yeah. Like, there are no remnants of what personality was once there. Oh, I hope she's okay. Otherwise, someone will have to take her out back. Yeah.

It saved everyone time. Instead of doing it this way, Gnome just listed the dog she doesn't want to shoot.

Noam's memoir itself takes a shot at Commander Biden, who has famously bitten over two dozen Secret Service members, joking about what she'd do if she made it to the White House and the German shepherd was on the premises. Sorry. Two dozen. Two dozen. Commander has taken down more Secret Service agents than blow and a night of gambling at a taxpayer-expensed luxury resort in my right hand.

Come on, anybody here at Laughlin Casino that I'm playing at in my mind. This is proof that the book is not good, as there are full chapters about the dog she wants to kill the most. Snoopy. Now, she did not mention Snoopy. She had a couple of books. That's for the sequel. That's for the sequel, right. Gnome wrote in her book, Commander, say hello to Cricket.

This is from her one-woman show titled Governor Scafface, but for dogs. Kudos to whoever in Noam's circle Triple Dog dared her with this one. She has taken it quite literally, and my hat is off to you, good sir or ma'am. When asked about the story Monday, White House Press Secretary Corrine Jean-Pierre told reporters, Here, this is a country that loves dogs.

And you have a leader talking about putting dogs down, killing them. And that's a disturbing statement to say. I would say to her is she probably should stop digging herself in a hole. And start digging holes for all the dogs she plans on killing.

Noam vowed to hunt down and kill over 40,000 dogs this year, which is the average number of Americans killed per year by guns because guns don't kill people. Women kill dogs. On Monday, President Biden placed a call to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to discuss, in part, efforts to secure a hostage deal. This is why a phone call is so important. Texting, it's really hard to note home.

You need to use punctuation or an emoji when you're talking to someone older. I live in Los Angeles, of course, and the dog park is a place where often the topic of war comes up.

And, yeah, it's hard to know where people stand because it's a hot issue. So you think you know how people are oriented, you know, by how they name their dog. Is your dog Goldie for Golda Mike?

You know, it's hard to know where people stand. Yeah, just to find yourself having the most intense conversations of human history. Like, these are, like, existential questions, and it's, like, so...

What's your what's your weeder dog's name? Oh, I like his little handkerchief. You know, and then to immediately get into it, it is so hard. I feel like that's like everyone is experiencing that. I don't even have a dog. And I feel like about that dog park. Personally, I choose my conversations at the dog park based on how many black people your dog has barked at.

Maria. Muffin mostly barks just at bigger dogs. That's great. So, yeah, as far as I know, she's a really good girl. She wouldn't tell you, of course, I'm sure. Yeah, she's a really good girl. She has five dresses. And they were not all—some of them were gifts, right?

Well, the one thing I do know about the dog park that we have, it's that it's illegal and there are no fences. Hmm. It sounds like it's someone's yard or something. Yeah, no. He's using a backyard. The sheriff stops by and says, hey, you got to leash up. I don't know if that's a metaphor for human rights everywhere, but...

Almost certainly not. I do love that the sheriff is showing up to your dog park, yet the lights were out at one of the most dangerous intersections in North Hollywood this morning and there wasn't a cop to be found. That's not their priority. When I first moved here, there was a car just stuck in an intersection for three days. I was like, what? LA is a different kind of place. Which intersection? I'm sorry, say more. I'm trying to remember which one it was. Damn.

I'm really sorry. I'm bad at everything. I was asked this as someone who basically does not drive. I don't drive. Yeah, that's not like, you know, that one where it's down there. That one big one. Near my waxer. I'm just like, it's not Silver Lake, but it's like not too far away. Yeah, I know. Sorry, I got it. I'm in unincorporated Los Angeles. I'm in Altadena. So that's where we have the sheriff. Otherwise, no, the LAPD does not show up. Unless, of course, you're mentally ill and you're wielding a screwdriver. Then they would like to shoot you in the head.

That's sorry. Was that too dark? No. I don't know anymore. I mean, considering what we talked about, I mean, this is just the news. Yeah. A week of news is just horror after horror. So I think there's value in acknowledging that. Yeah. Okay. It's true. It's true. My husband and I, we give 11% of our income to charity, which is one. I don't want to get in a fight about this, but it is 1% better than Christians or Jews. Yeah.

I agree with that. Just saying, we're getting into all the afterlifes. That's what it's based on. So we've given it all to Doctors Without Borders. But then I was like, well, you know, is that good? You know, it's like you deep dive on anything and it's like, well, the thing is with Doctors Without Borders is that they're French.

And what does that mean? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Everyone is exactly where you're at right now.

And Kendra, Chris? That's why I only donate to figure skating charities. All right. Okay. All right. Well, now this is something I've said before, is that I know actors sometimes get into politics, but comedians often have very interesting premises of ways to de-escalate conflict. I once heard a guy at a Go Bananas in Cincinnati suggest that we send in a marching band into the Middle East.

that the purposefulness and positivity of a high school marching band might really just take people out of their

their mindset for a second so um i think there's something to that i think part of the reason people are mad at college protesters is that they're not broken and bitter yet so they have a they have a theater kid marching band energy they're like can you believe this is like well yeah they're 18 like they don't know yet like not like they don't know but it's like well yeah like let's celebrate that enthusiasm or like that optimism like what else are we gonna do you know yeah and i i could have

protest. My first protest was the Gulf War where I unfortunately put on my face what I thought was the peace sign. It turned out to be a Mercedes Benz logo. It really does represent what I do love luxury goods and I don't mind that. But have any of you gone to the protests that have been on the college campuses? I've been to the colleges. I went to a couple like

earlier this year. And I just want to say it is the Mercedes-Benz logo or P-side and that kind of is the decision we're all facing. That actually is 100%. Yeah. What we're all talking about. Yeah. It's been less protest for me. I think like one of the most valuable things that I've been able to do is like not donating necessarily to charities like large scale charities but doing a lot of mutual aid and direct aid. Oh, that's great. I fucked up.

Hey, there's still plenty of time. Unfortunately. Unfortunately. The world's not getting any better. There's plenty of time to try and help. Has a war ever been sponsored commercially?

I mean, maybe not blatantly, but yeah, certainly. There are certainly brands, I will say, that had a name made for themselves in World War II, unfortunately. Right. Speaking of Boeing, I mean, like Biden just stopped a shipment of Boeing weapons and it's like, yes, then I will get on a Boeing plane and have it explode in the sky. It is. Yeah. Like when they're not there sponsoring it overtly, I suppose, is unwise.

Aren't they? I guess. Yeah. Coco Chanel, Hugo Boss, Mercedes. They're all like very connected to me, to Germany. And you had that painted on your face for me. I was like, wow. Well, well, well. I always fly Delta, but I'm sure there's something bad about that. I'm a...

My mother told me that was important to have brand loyalty, which is... I'm a Hilton Diamond member. I get it. Really? Oh, my God. You're a diamond.

That means you get Swedish fish when you check in. And a warm cookie at some of them. Oh, yeah. No, Doubletree. Yep. Come on. But something I've got to say, the Doubletree cookie has gotten smaller. Oh. And this is the kind of thing that's keeping me from acting on a grassroots level politically. All right. We're going to figure this out.

Okay. And finally, Nicolas Cage and FKA Twigs are set to star in a horror movie about the childhood of Jesus Christ. And personally, I think they nailed the casting. Oh.

As we all know, Christ is claimed as a character in the Christian, Muslim, and Jewish franchises in Jerusalem. So there should be no problem with the copyrights. They're calling the movie Jesus Christ Spooky Star. Jesus Christ Spooky Star. Great.

Ending. Great ending. Great ending. This was such a treat. We really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Thank you for coming. I love to be a part of the process. We're in love with you. I love you. I love podcasts. I love the democratic process, no matter how flawed. I am voting. That's been What a Weekday. I'm Rae Banford. Thanks for having me. See you sluts on Saturday. Love it or leave it. It's love it or leave it. Shoot. Talk.

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