Trump’s Totally Impartial Jury
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The election is less than 100 days away. Oof. Wow. That might sound scary, but it also means you still have 100 days to donate and volunteer your ass off. And whether you're falling out of a coconut tree or anxiously clinging to one, now is the time to volunteer, donate, and canvas your ass off.

Canvassing is an especially great way to make a difference to get the word out about important candidates and valid initiatives where you live. Sign up to Canvas at votesaveamerica.com and then head to the Crooked store to pick up a canvassing kit. There's all the essentials for a day of door knocking, including a clipboard, pens, band-aids, a tote bag, and more. Get one to motivate yourself to canvas more or send them to your friends in swing states. Matching clipboards are the new matching friendship bracelets. Go to crooked.com slash store to get your kit.

Hello, Los Angeles! Welcome to Love It or Leave It, you know what they say. Clarence Thomas is always in the last place you look. This week, Jaime Camille is here to give us the ride of a lifetime. Sam Taggart and Nikki Glaser go head-to-head and limp wrist-to-limp wrist in a battle of the sexualities, and we'll all end the show the way I end every single day of my life with a rant. But first...

Let's get into it. What a week. I like how I'm like how I was sitting. By the way, this this T-shirt to Steamboat Willie's kissing totally legit now. And this is a preview of our pride collection. Wait, you don't have a camera out there yet. Oh, you do. Hell yeah, we do. Trying to move units to Steamboat Willie's kissing. You can't stop us, Disney.

That big scary mouse and his army of lawyers, his battalion of attorneys, they can't do a goddamn thing about it. Your precious mascot kissing himself. Famously the gayest thing there is.

RFK Jr. claimed on Monday that he had been approached about joining the Trump ticket, tweeting, I'm so liberal, that's literally in the text, that his emissaries asked me to be his VP. I respectfully declined the offer. First of all, what a little gossipy bitch. Love that for him.

Second, emissaries is a very dignified word for anyone in Trump's orbit. Trump doesn't dispatch emissaries or attachés. He sends poorly suited goons who say that being said too often and never in the right place. Trump's co-campaign manager, Chris LaCivita, denied Kennedy's claim, tweeting, you're, and he spelled it wrong, obviously, you're a lefty loon that would never be approached to be on the ticket. Sorry. Sorry.

You approach two doors. One is guarded by the dumbest Kennedy on earth who lies constantly. The other is guarded by someone hired by the world's most famous liar to lie on his behalf. Which door do you choose? It doesn't matter. There are tigers behind both fucking doors.

On Thursday, the White House issued sanctions against Iranian drone and steel manufacturers after what President Biden called one of the world's largest missile and drone attacks against Israel. You may wonder why punish the steel industry. Age-old wisdom shows that whoever smelt it dealt it.

The Justice Department will reportedly file an antitrust lawsuit against Live Nation, the parent company of Ticketmaster, which drew ire from fans in Congress alike during a debacle over Taylor Swift tickets as soon as next month. But if you want access to the lawsuit sooner, use the artist code POETS. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was missing from the bench during oral arguments on Monday with the court offering no explanation for his absence, but Thomas was back in action on Tuesday with an absolutely snatched jawline. LAUGHTER

During those arguments on Tuesday, several justices, including Thomas, expressed skepticism over the DOJ's use of a law about white-collar crime to charge January 6th rioters. The law, known as Sarbanes-Oxley, included a catch-all provision that makes it a crime to obstruct, influence, or impede any official proceeding. In other words, obstructing an official proceeding is definitely a crime if you do it by shredding paper in the dead of night. But if you do it by breaking the windows of a federal building with a fire extinguisher and dropping a hot toddy on Nancy Pelosi's office chair...

That's a gray area. Clarence Thomas, back from his mysterious absence, suggested the government was unfairly singling out insurrectionists, saying there have been many violent protests that have interfered with proceedings. Has the government applied this provision to other protests? But it's literally never come up before. Oh, you're grounding all the airplanes because 9-11 just happened? Did you do that the last time 9-11 happened?

Justice Sonia Sotomayor pointed this out. We've never had a situation before with people attempting to stop a proceeding violently. You must remember, Clarence, your wife was on the organizing committee. Justice Neil Gorsuch wondered whether the statute could be used to prosecute peaceful protesters asking this. Would a sit-in that disrupts a trial or access to a federal courthouse qualify? Would a heckler in today's audience qualify or at the State of the Union address qualify?

would pulling a fire alarm before a vote qualify for 20 years in federal prison. And I for one say, I hope so. I think it's time hecklers go to jail. I guess it's nice. Neil Gorsuch standing up for America's forgotten minority, the heckler.

Also on Tuesday, House Republicans sent their two meritless articles of impeachment against Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas to the Senate. Look, sometimes you don't turn in the group project because it's finished. You turn it in because it's due.

Senate Republicans, including many of the 45 Republicans who in 2021 voted to dismiss Trump's insurrection related impeachment without a trial, railed against dismissing the impeachment without a trial. Said Ted Cruz, the Senate has a clear obligation under the Constitution and 200 years of precedent. We need to hold the trial. We need to allow the managers to present the evidence.

I love Ted Cruz going off on the importance of the Senate traditions when every single person knows he would come out in favor of replacing the Senate with a dog track if Trump so much as hinted that he'd be into it. Nevertheless, the Senate swiftly voted along party lines to dismiss both charges as unconstitutional, effectively ending the impeachment proceedings. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it's over.

Then on Thursday, Republican divisions over Ukraine funding blew up into a big argument on the House floor. Republican Derek Van Orden reportedly threatened Johnson with a motion to vacate over the funding package. NBC News first reported that Van Orden called Johnson tubby, as the pair argued. Whoa, whoa, whoa, gentlemen, please, sum decorum. That word is for human infants and elderly cats. However, Van Orden later clarified that the person he called tubby was in fact Matt Gaetz.

Afterward, Gates discussed this on CNN. I mean, does it surprise you in this climate that people might be saying that? And we've heard this from Mr. Massey. We've heard this from Ms. Green. The only thing I gleaned from it is that Mr. Van Orton is not a particularly intelligent individual. Mike, I'm not tubby. You're stupid. This is Congress. It must be a nice change of pace for Gates to be insulted for his appearance and not for allegedly soliciting sex with minors. Tubby's a step up.

Meanwhile, Van Orden said of the insult that was directed directly at Matt Gaetz. He felt like he could call me a squish. And I want to remind anybody who has not been in combat and held his friend's hand as they died being shot by the enemy really doesn't have any business calling someone else a squish. And so, in fact, I did call him tubby and I stand by that reminder that this is about a foreign aid bill. I think there's a gas leak at the Capitol.

At a campaign event this week, Arizona Senate candidate and woman who backs her white Escalade into your car then yells at you for making her late, Carrie Lake, downplayed the implications of Arizona's 1864 near total abortion ban by saying, you can go three hours that way, you can go three hours that way, and you're going to be able to have an abortion. There are always other states is not what a candidate for statewide office should ever say.

Subway didn't get a restaurant at every corner with the slogan, there's always Quiznos. Oh, if you're so worried about abortion, there's always New Mexico. That's a crazy thing for a... which you believe is murder. So what's the fucking logic there? Oh, you people are bending this all out of proportion. Murder is still legal in New Mexico. So what's the fuss?

Meanwhile, New York health officials have released an advisory that New York City is seeing a rise in cases of leptospirosis, a human infection caused by exposure to rat urine. I'll tell you, New York City isn't what it used to be. I remember when you could slather yourself with rat piss and not have to worry about a goddamn thing. Maybe if Mayor Adams had simply listened to my idea for a teeny tiny bathroom for rats, we wouldn't be in this mess. It was called ratapooey. So little.

Little tiny toilet paper. This week, Tesla paused all sales, deliveries, and even the production of its hilarious Cybertruck. While the company hasn't given any explanation officially, customers suspect it may have something to do with the way the accelerator pedal can get stuck to the floor. At first I thought the pedal was broken, but then I realized that, nope, this was wedged down here under this, not allowing this pedal to come back up. So just for people listening at home,

this this this this beautifully designed machine you press the pedal down the shoddily attached metal thing that attaches the accelerator slides forward and jams so that the accelerator is stuck at flooring it just you're just having a normal day and then you press the accelerator and that's it that's it tesla's calling it full self-driving do you see these things out there on the roads

I went to, there's a mall in LA that has one out there. It's sort of like a douchebag fucking, like the same, like the fly, a zapper. You know the zapper? It's like that, but for douchebags. Just draws them in. And I found myself approaching it like a fire. You know what I mean? Like I was like afraid to go near it. Like I thought something would happen to me.

Speaking of careening toward oblivion, rapidly rising sea temperatures have led to what may be the worst coral bleaching ever on record, affecting 54% of the world's coral. Bleaching occurs when coral gets too hot and forces out all the colorful algae living in its tissue, leaving the coral a bleached white. Like in 2016, when the Kardashians squeezed all the color out of clothes and half the women in L.A. were walking around in beige sweatsuits like they escaped a very sexy cult.

Yet in some rare climate positive news, the Earth's projected global temperature increase has actually fallen by a third since 2015, according to the Climate Action Tracker. The world is currently headed towards a disastrous 2.7 degrees Celsius increase by 2100, which comes down to 2.1 degrees when you factor in pledges and targets from countries around the world. It's still well above the 1.5 degree threshold, but down from the almost four degree increase we were headed towards a decade ago. The policy changes that we are making are actually having an impact.

That's huge. And to celebrate, I've given everyone in the audience a little gift. Check under your seats. You get a leaf blower and you get a leaf blower. Plastic straws for everybody. A circus elephant named Viola, beautiful name, got loose and roamed through traffic in Butte, Montana this week after she was startled by a vehicle backfiring during her bath. Oh my God. Only in Butte. It's like this elephant got loose.

Police had initially pulled the elephant over, but released her on her own recognizance since they didn't have a warrant to search the trunk. And finally, it's official. We have a jury on the Trump hush money case. It was down to the wire, the wire being when I wanted to go home and change my shirt before this very show. The former president's legal team started the week off strong with Trump lawyer Alina Haba denying rumors that her client had fallen asleep in court Monday. I was not there. I find that a remarkable story at best.

President Trump, you know, he reads a lot. I don't know what he was doing. I wasn't there. There are no cameras. I wish there were, but... I'm sorry, he reads a lot? Compared to who? Lea Michele? That was a swerve. I don't embrace that one. I reject it. I said it, and we should keep it in. Sure, Trump reads a lot. That's a great point. Perhaps he got the idea to fall asleep from one of his books or a scholarly article.

He wasn't sleeping. He reads a lot. What are you talking about? By Wednesday, seven jurors had been selected. But then on Wednesday evening, Jesse Waters went through the information released from the jurors' WADAR questionnaires to attack their credibility. Of the potential jurors' answers, the Fox News host mused. She said two things that really stuck out. One, quote, I don't really have an opinion of Trump. And, quote, no one is above the law. I'm not so sure about Jaron Lumberton.

What Waters is saying here is that liberal Manhattanites who hate Trump know they have to appear impartial to make the jury. And so people who read The Times and have been to the 92nd Street Y to see Rachel Maddow and Brooklyn Dad Defiant in conversation may say they have an open mind and they don't. And I, for one, hope he's 100 percent right.

In fairness to Mr. Waters, imagine genuinely not having an opinion on Donald Trump. Imagine having seen even one picture of Trump, having heard Trump say a single sentence and still being like, oh, that guy with the impressions of disabled people in the mouth shaped like an asshole didn't really make an impression on me one way or the other. As for juror number four, well...

Jury number four is a Puerto Rican who finds Trump fascinating and mysterious. Quote, he walks into a room and he sets people off one way or the other. I find that really interesting that this one guy can do all this. Wow. Joke's on you, Jesse Waters. That juror was dismissed for, it says here, tearing down Republican political posters. OK, so you got us on that one.

Meanwhile, juror number six is a Disney employee in her 20s that made the court laugh by asking if the trial will be over by September as she's scheduled to be a bridesmaid at her sister's wedding. A Disney adult could really swing either way. They're unpredictable politically. Does she love Cinderella because of her hardscrabble beginnings? Or does she love Cinderella because she has tiny feet and will marry the first guy with money who shows her the slightest affection? I'm sorry, I'm incepting new realizations about Cinderella.

As far as we can tell, she's been on one date. She's worn a dress once and went on one date. Trump later posted to X, they are catching undercover liberal activists lying to the judge in order to get on the Trump jury and attributed the quote to Waters, which violates Trump's gag order. But it's true. If you look very closely at the jurors, you can see their tiny tan lines from where they took out their septum piercings. I wish, I wish.

Oh, God.

According to the Times, one potential juror was grilled about social media posts from 2016. In one post, she called Trump racist, sexist, and a narcissist. She stops as she's reading her own post and says, oops, that sounds bad.

This is a good rule for posting. Before you post something mean about someone you hate, ask yourself, if this were read aloud in a courtroom, would it fuck up my one and only chance to sit on this asshole's jury? And then go ahead and hit send anyway, baby, because posting isn't about tomorrow. It's about right now. And right now is all we have, and at least you won't have to eat Jersey Mike's for lunch because all the other bozos on some jury picked Jersey Mike's. But we used Subway earlier. You'd have laughed if it was Subway.

Cause Bozo's pick subway, but actually Jersey Mike's I think has more people are like be more pumped about Jersey Mike's right. Yeah, for sure. That's why I did. That's why it didn't work. Jersey Mike's just better. Isn't it weird that it's just better? Like it's subway's been beat.

What's it doing everywhere? You never thrilled. You never excited. Like McDonald's is the same everywhere. You know exactly what you want to get. But if you're excited about McDonald's, you're fucking pumped to go to McDonald's. You could be excited about a Jersey Mike. What if you're walking out of subway being like, yeah, I can't wait to get into this. I love the way the bread doesn't smell like bread, but smells like that subway smell everywhere. Yeah.

in 100% of Subway's that we know what, we all know what bread smells like. We've all smelled bread and we know Subway smells like what they think bread smells like, but we know that's not what bread smells like. It's not even, it's not even another flavor. It's Subway. Subway's smell like Subway. That is the smell of their bread and it's not a smell of food. So what's that about? According to CBS, the judge did dismiss a man who had posted about Trump, get him out and lock him up.

I love this jury poll. And in the end, 12 impartial patriots, dedicated citizens, were officially impaneled as jurors. Before jury selection even began on Thursday, however, the judge took a moment to address an issue that had plagued the prosecution, the defense, the jury pool, and the gathered media. The fact that the courtroom was fucking freezing. I want to apologize that it's chilly in here, Mershon told the prospective jurors, drawing laughs. We're trying to do the best we can to control the temperature, but it's one extreme or the other.

Wow. One extreme or another. Isn't that our politics? Isn't that fitting? Isn't that a laugh? All the coral is dying. When we come back, Jaime Camila is here and he gets us all revved up.

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Each year, the International Rescue Committee's Emergency Watchlist Report assesses the 20 countries at greatest risk of new or worsening humanitarian emergencies. These countries are home to only 10.6% of the world's population, but carry a disproportionate burden of global humanitarian crisis. The civil war in Sudan has left over 24 million in need of humanitarian aid.

while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis,

and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. And I walk pundit. I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Ha ha ha!

Healthy, very healthy call. That's real. That's real. Sorry, Dr. Christie, I can't do therapy. I got to go on Anderson Cooper. You can watch. I'll be saying the same things I'll be saying to you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash love it to get 10% off your first month. Obviously,

Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it.

The election is less than 100 days away. Oof. Wow. That might sound scary, but it also means you still have 100 days to donate and volunteer your ass off. And whether you're falling out of a coconut tree or anxiously clinging to one, now is the time to volunteer, donate, and canvas your ass off.

Canvassing is an especially great way to make a difference to get the word out about important candidates and valid initiatives where you live. Sign up to Canvas at votesaveamerica.com and then head to the Crooked store to pick up a canvassing kit. This is all the essentials for a day of door knocking, including a clipboard, pens, band-aids, a tote bag, and more. Get one to motivate yourself to canvas more or send them to your friends in swing states. Matching clipboards are the new matching friendship bracelets. Go to crooked.com slash store to get your kit.

And we're back. Please start your engines for the man, the myth, the legend, the incredible Jaime Camille. My dear God. John, how are you? Thanks for being here. Careful. Right here. Right here. It's great. Oh, we have a live audience. Oh my God. Yes, we do. Oh, hello. So we have to be very careful. We have to be politically correct and say the right things.

They're actually, you know, you just got to find the, you got to find the lines. They're much less sensitive than they used to be. Early 2017, they were brittle, but they've really chilled out since then. Nice. I think that the, I think that the kind of rise of fascism really kind of, it's a tenderizer for the human soul. It's 100%. Yeah. You know what I mean? You can go there, then being here is okay. Right. You just pound it and pound it and pound it so that it can just take more flour, take the egg, take the breadcrumbs.

take the heat. Exactly. You know what I'm saying? That was so poetic, by the way. Yeah. Like a nice Marsala, these people. Just stewing in fascist juice. Anyway, let's move forward. Okay, yes. Schmigadoon. Schmigadoon. Yes. Schmigadoon. What a beautiful show, no? Yeah. Yeah. It's so good, we did not get picked up for a season three. Why do you think that is? Because they're assholes. No, no, honestly, I want to tell you, I think what happened is this. No, because it's actually a very good show, well, well written.

Before the strike, it was pretty much greenlit. Like, yeah, we're going to do season three. That's it. Then the strike came along and everybody was a little nervous, you know, no writers, no actors, whatever.

And then Apple was a little bit on the fence, right? We love the show, but we're not sure. So Lorne Michaels said, why don't we do a, well, Andrew Singer, actually, who runs Lorne's company, was like, why don't we do a table read for you guys? So the top executives from Apple and NBC came to the read. Martin Short, you know, was there crazy. I was like, oh my God, Martin Short. And everybody was there. Oscar winning, Ariana DeBose, like Keegan, Cecily, we were all there. And we read the season three.

And he was, Johnny was so beautiful. And it exists. The scripts exist. Yes, of course. He's written the songs. Everything is written. The songs are written. Yes, it's crazy. And it was such a beautiful, one of those reads that you end up crying and the emotions are flowing and we love the show and we knew it was the last season. So we're like, oh my God, we're going to miss each other. And then like a week went by and they said, no, we're not going to pick it up.

Wow. They're like, no, no, we've decided virtual reality headsets. A hundred percent. Virtual reality. Spatial, what's the name? Spatial? Spatial. Spatial. Spatial. I like that. Yes. It does sound cooler that way. That's my excuse for everything. When I don't know how to say things, I just say, I'm from Mexico.

That's my exit. Do you have a favorite musical? A favorite musical? I love Sweeney Todd. I do love Sweeney Todd a lot. And I don't know, I grew up in Mexico, so I did not see the great musicals that started in New York. But we had a music... Anyone from Mexico here?

oh wow what a diverse crowd oh amazing this is inclusion right here amazing so excuse me there are people that have made it here all the way from the valley oh god so that's pretty cross cold water um yeah so there was a musical there a show called kachun kachun rara that's what i was expecting that reaction there's something you're supposed to say there

Exactly. And so that music... Oh, you knew they weren't going to fucking know it. Of course, I know. You just checked. Of course. So that musical... But the first big musicals that got to Mexico was probably, I don't know, the Cabaret, maybe, the Lion King. They're like big, big musicals. Did it get wicked? Yes, recently got wicked. Recently got wicked. I feel like I know that because...

basically there's a certain point at which somewhere deep in some sort of Chinese intelligence facility, they realize that someone is so gay, they're ready for the, they bring down a kind of a big lever and then they unleash basically defying gravity that in every version that's ever been made, including every language that's ever been made. And that's what they're trying to do to, I think, to break my spirit and keep me home from contributing to the American economy. That's sort of the longterm. Yeah.

- Chinese intelligence, TikTok strategy. But anyway, so I believe I've recently seen Defying Gravity in Spanish and it works. - I think, - Here's what you gotta do. - I'm not gonna stop, but it's gonna be, I'm gonna keep doing it. - Context clues, when he does that, go nuts. - You know what he's looking for? Give him the support. - I mean. - So there's this singer actor,

They know. They know. They know. Of course. That's going to add up beautifully. They don't know. But she played Elphaba. Oh, yeah. Yes. She was very good. Is it hard to be pigeonholed into playing characters that are handsome? Come again? Being pigeonholed as a handsome character must be difficult. I don't understand the concept of pigeonholing. Oh, being constantly... Is it tough that you only get offered parts where you're handsome? Well, you...

I get offered many parts for your information, Mr. John Lovett. No, I'm sure, but they're all handsome characters. 100%. Yes, of course. Well, because... No. Don't you ever get to... Baby, don't you want to play and I'll go? I...

- How would you even embody that? You'd have to like go undercover. - Well, I'm an amazing actor, you don't know. - Yeah, but like, you don't like when actors in the 90s be like, I'm working at a convenience store to learn what it's like to have a job. - No, no, I like to act. I like to act it. I don't like to live it, I like to act it. - And I'm very good at it. No, but no, I think sometimes it's not up to you. Sometimes they, they box you. They, not you, I don't box myself, but they do.

So you're saying that there's all kinds of ugly people you'd love to play, but they're just not coming your way. They're just not coming my way. I don't get it. Hey, listen, if somebody's... On a related note, can I ask you about your hair? How? How is it?

It is honestly, honestly, it is a gift from, I don't know, the universe or something. They have asked me, do you, do you color it like this? Like white here, whatever. No, that's, that's how it is. How about your beard? I'm like, no, the beard is like that. It was just by pure coincidence. And thank, thank you universe. Thank you God for that. Because I had, I think I have the right shades and colors of gray in my hair. That's cool. That's cool. Thank you.

What's the worst gig you've ever had other than what's happening on stage right now? Uh, Oh, so this is no, well, this is okay. Uh, no, when I was growing up, my dad, I, my mom was a singer in Brazil, any Brazilians. So my mom used to be a singer. Now she paints and whatever. And, uh, so I got the, the artistic thing through the umbilical cord. So it was very difficult to, to deny that. Right. Uh,

But my dad, who was a businessman, he was like, no, you know, don't do that. You know, the classic, you know, that's you're going to starve to death. Why don't you do start start from the bottom on a company I have, which is, you know, Siemens, the German company, the medical medical equipment company.

And he was like, why don't you start as a delivery boy for Siemens? And you can deliver CAT scans and radiographias. How do you say radiographias, John? X-rays? Exactly. Thank you. X-ray machines. I knew he speaks a lot of languages. You didn't? This is what they think of you? Their threshold for me is so fucking low. Wow.

So they've been trained for years to understand that I am delicate and need a constant stream of affirmation or this whole thing comes apart. Well, well, it's the same for actors. So thank you. So, yeah, I started delivering like medical equipment or

I don't know why. I think my dad would have thought. I would not think CAT scan machines being the kind of thing that's handled by a quote delivery boy. Yeah. Well, we were very, we're a very upscale delivery. We were not delivering like living rooms. Right. We were delivering medical equipment. Right. So you need to have at least an MBA to do that. Now, Jaime, you take part in a charity motorcycle event every year called the Distinguished Gentleman's Ride. Yes. To raise money for prostate cancer research.

I'm not even going to bother, but just for the hell of it. Have you done the gentleman's ride? Now you don't even trust it. Now you don't even trust it. They're so full of it. And what is it? It's November. It's November. I lost my dad 2020. I'm totally cool. Don't even feel bad. And she, you know, because it's a classic thing. I lost my dad. No, I'm good. Thank you. I mean, I love him. It's not that I don't love him. I just, I'm cool. Time heals everything.

Not sure what I'm supposed to do here. I really think that not that he took his own life by no means, but he was in a deep depression. I think he was really depressed, especially with Latino men. You don't know this because you're not Latinos, but Latino men are very...

You know, like we can handle everything. We push forward. We don't need help. We're fine. And four out of five suicides are men. So Gentleman's Ride, we dress up very dapper every second week of May and throughout the world from Lisboa to, you know, every single city in the world. And we do like a parade. And that's to bring awareness for men's mental health and testicular and prostate cancer research.

And it's a beautiful project that now is very dear to my heart because after my dad passed, me and my brother, we talked and we were like, oh my God, he was really depressed. Like he was extremely depressed. And of course he didn't ask for help. You know, he can do anything, whatever. So we do it to help, to benefit Movember, which is very nice. Now, this leads to a game we want to play because this is because you have a great interest in motorcycles. Yes, I love them. Yeah. And-

we had an interest in talking to you about them in a segment we're calling convince me motorcycles aren't the dumbest thing in the world. You got it. You got it.

Well, okay. There we are. I mean, we don't look bad. Whoa. Whoa. Okay. Whoa. Okay. All right. First up. Yes. The 1969 Dennis Hopper film Easy Rider helped popularize motorcycle ownership and launched the new Hollywood era of cinema that blossomed in the early 70s. On the other hand, these jokesters weren't wearing helmets. I know. It's crazy. Oh, my God. But look at the hat. But look at the hat. Amazing hat. I mean...

There's a helmet there. It is there. He's just not wearing it. Right. But it's strapped to the sissy bar, and I think it looks amazing. What kind of bar? Sissy bar. Sissy? That's the name of the bar. S-I-S-S-Y bar. Wow. Yes, that's the name of the bar. Listen, don't judge me. That's just the name of the bar. I know, I'm learning. You go to a Harley Davidson catalog, and it says sissy bar, and that's the picture that you see. That's cool. When I'm looking for a sissy bar, it's something else. Ah. Ah.

And we have all been to Alan Cummings Bar in New York, which is amazing. Yes, that's a different, and that is another kind of bar. Exactly. There are some bars near the Sissy Bar that actually have some motorcycle people. Exactly. Exactly. As I call them. Yes. But now, are you making reference to the South Park? You remember the South Park? No, I don't.

You have to see it. It's very funny. So, so yeah, I think, and you know, it's even worse. In Florida, you don't, I don't know if you know Florida. It's like another world. Yeah. Yeah. It's a completely different, I don't even know what is it? What, what is that region? It's sort of like, it's a, it's a,

It's a kind of like a, it's a place where we test things. It's like a beta testing area. Oh, that makes sense. The rules are less severe there. We don't view the lives as being as valuable. And so you can just go there and see what happens, start things, try drugs. A lot of cool stuff happens down there. That makes so much sense now. So in Florida, in this geographical place, happened to have landed in the U.S. for some reason, right? It's incredible. It's incredible.

But you don't wear helmets there if you have a certain level of insurance. So you're not allowed to wear helmets. Huh. Why would you...

Like if you have too much insurance, they're like, get that helmet off there. Get that helmet off. You're good. Yeah. Can I ask a dumb question? Of course. It's the only ones I'll have. Sometimes, sometimes have motorcycles have the handles more bike style. They're lower. Correct. But sometimes, why would you want your handles on your bicycles, on your motorcycle so high up? It's about posture and being comfortable. Like for example, if you go to a Japanese style kind of like speed bike, you're very uncomfortable sitting everywhere.

I don't like those, by the way. You're very uncomfortable. And I'm a man of a certain age, so my back, you know, it might get stuck there for a month or something. So you want to sit back? I want to sit back. No, you know, I want to like sit maybe like a nice Triumph, Throckston, or Bonneville would be like a very nice, comfortable position. But then you have these ones, the Harleys, which are completely like...

super comfy to ride and you'll... Well, they look cool, I guess, no? I mean, they have some issues, but... Right. No, for sure. And aren't you afraid of falling off the whole time, like every second? Yeah, 100%. 100%. There are only two types of motorcyclists, the ones that have fallen and the ones that will fall down. As simple as that. But you know what? I do... I rode in Mexico City where everybody wants to kill you.

And for many reasons, not only because you're riding a motorcycle, but because many reasons.

And so when you're riding a motorcycle there, you have to be very defensive and very careful because everybody wants to run you over. Right. So I learned to ride very defensively. So here in the U.S., you see, for example, a guy in a motorcycle and he has like a green wave on the stoplights or the lights and they go like, yeah, let's go for it. In Mexico, you can't because in every corner there's an asshole running a red light that will eventually kill you.

So you have to be very careful. Also, I have a beautiful family that I adore and I want to go back to them after I ride. So even though we ride every single weekend, we hit the Malibu Canyons or Angeles Crest or whatever, we ride very, very cautious. Do you ride a motorcycle on Lopez V. Lopez? Versus, no, I don't ride. I am an injury lawyer. You're an injury lawyer. Yes, I save people's

that have been in motorcycle accidents in Lopez versus Lopez. Oh, I see. I see. I see. And motorcycle is more dangerous than a car. You're much more likely to have a serious, you're most likely to die in a collision. Motorcycle riders are reportedly 28 times more likely to die in a collision than a motorist and four times more likely to be injured because there's no car around you. You're just out there. You're just out there. Exactly. How do you say in English, la carroceria? The body, right? Mm-hmm.

I got your back. Okay, thanks. You are, the body of the car is your actual body. So yeah, you don't want to crash. When you're riding a motorcycle, this is, the more you know, if you're riding a motorcycle, you don't want to crash. You simply don't want to crash. You're very welcome. That's so important. Yes. Here's a photo of Keanu Reeves with a motorcycle.

That's so cool. Now, what's that technique called? That is actually that's called the death something. I know that he has the word death for obvious reasons. But what you do is you get your motorcycle at a certain speed and you step on the seat. Have I done this stupid thing? Yes, I have. But will I do it again? No, I won't. But Keanu owns a motorcycle company called, is it Arch or Ark? Arch, I think.

He owns that company, so he is obviously promoting this. And it's like a $100,000 motorcycle. He's really good. Yeah, it's crazy. It's built to fit you perfectly based on your height and your proportions and everything. It's incredible.

Really? It's a V-twin. It's a V-twin engine, super like American power V-twin engine. And it's just a gorgeous, look at that. It's just beautiful. It is beautiful. I know. Here's a video of Tom Cruise riding a motorcycle. Talking about the motorcycle, by the way. I know, I know. There's two beautiful things there for me. Here's a video of Tom Cruise riding a motorcycle off a cliff and parachuting all the way down for Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's so cool. That's so cool. You shouldn't do that when you're doing Coldwater Canyon or Benton. Don't do it. Yes, stay in the road. You got to stay in the road. Stay in the road. It's crazy. I mean, but come on. Tom Cruise is the ultimate action movie hero. He's incredible. Do you always wear a helmet? Always. Always. 100%. Always. Always. And finally, this isn't a question so much as it is a photo of co-leader Charles Manson on a motorcycle. Oh.

This is what you want to be associated with? God, he looks cool. Fuck. Hey, let's ride a bike and they kill a bunch of dudes. No, why do sometimes motorcycles have the wheels so far out ahead of you? Oh, those are called choppers. Choppers. And they are very uncomfortable to ride, honestly. They're not very comfortable. I used to have one in Mexico just because I wanted to be cooler than all the rest.

Which I was, because I was riding that motorcycle. But it's very uncomfortable. Not cool. All right, you've persuaded me. I think they're cool now. Okay. Hey! Thank you, Jaime. Watch him on Lopez vs. Lopez. Lopez vs. Lopez, exactly. And I think, I don't know if you saw Jane the Virgin, but there's also a nice show out there that you cannot watch anymore because it's out of Netflix. So I'm sorry. But you can definitely...

I don't know if it's been, I don't know if it's still on Netflix or no, I don't know. It's just in the cloud somewhere. It's just in the cloud somewhere. Yeah. But Schmigadoon is still there. Yeah. On Apple TV. And we're always saying that Schmigadoon is still there. Yeah. Thank you, Hyman. When we come back, Nikki Glaser and Sam Taggart go face to face and butt to butt. I don't know. All right. That was great. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

The election is less than 100 days away. Oof. Wow. That might sound scary, but it also means you still have 100 days to donate and volunteer your ass off. And whether you're falling out of a coconut tree or anxiously clinging to one, now is the time to volunteer, donate, and canvas your ass off.

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And we're back! Please welcome to the stage Sam Taggart and Nikki Glaser! Hi! Oh, Nikki is ready in her...

Nikki, why don't you go to the piano? Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi, Sam. Hi. Do I sit on this couch also? Yeah, sit there. This is great. First of all, just for people listening to this audio podcast, you're wearing a swift shirt. Tonight's the night. Tonight is the night. There's a tortured poets department. Department, yes. And we're going to find out which poets she's torturing. Yeah. And that's what I'm so excited about. That's my expectation. My sincere belief is that this is about a poet she's going to fucking torture. Whoa, I haven't even thought about it from that.

Yeah, nobody has. That's what's so exciting. Holy shit. I need to see that TikTok breaking that down. Yeah, it's happening tonight. Big night. It's happening like as we're on stage. Yeah, we're going to get off stage and there will be. So I'll stop talking for a minute here because I have to check my phone and start listening. So if I just go mute, that's what's happening. We just got to get you out by nine. No, don't worry about it. It can wait. I have my whole life.

to dedicate to deciphering this album and figuring out what happened in her last relationship. I'm scared. I am too. I'm genuinely afraid. I was hoping you would never ask me that. It's okay if you're not. Well, I feel this brave. You are, you just haven't spent enough time with her music. I feel a really powerful sense of neutrality towards Taylor Swift. That is so groundbreaking and new.

That's so interesting. That's so interesting. Yeah. Yeah. No, people love neutral people. That's neutrality produces a lot of great art. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Not having a take is what everybody these days is looking for. That's the whole economy runs on not wishy-washy-ness. No, I think I'm trying to get people on this movement, actually, because we need to calm down, as Taylor Swift said. Yes, okay.

But not in a way that you really totally care that much about. No, I didn't really connect with, but also didn't really hate. I like that. That's the thing. I just don't want anyone to be like, but people that don't like her, I'm just like, you're an idiot. You just are mad that something's popular and you don't get it. And just let people like something. What's to you? I'm actually so jealous of Taylor Swift fans because they are eating every single day of the year. We are.

are so fed. You're so right. We have so much stuff coming out. Like if you're a Rihanna fan, you've been waiting years. Oh, you died. You have died by now. You're so right. We are. I feel very lucky. It's the best thing in my life. Like my friends have kids and husbands and I have Taylor Swift. I really do. It really fills my life up in a genuine way. And by the way, that energy is really present if you go to the concerts. Yeah.

Yes, it's true. Just skirting the line, just trying to stay safe. Okay. Now, speaking of dying, what? All right. You have a special, Nikki, coming out called Someday You'll Die. On HBO. On HBO? Yes. Wow. Second special on HBO. That's cool. Yeah. I'm like, they should be screaming right now.

HBO? They don't give those things away, you know. No, they definitely... Yeah, it's really... Yeah, it's special. Do you think you're going to die? I'm almost sure of it. Oh. Yeah, it's... You know, you just realize the more you do comedy and the more you just live life that everything you do, everything that...

Every motivation you have, every impulse you have, everything that you spend too much time doing and you wish you didn't, it's all just to avoid thinking about that you have to die someday. And someday you will, and it's just an exploration of that and how a lot of times...

for me as a person that suffers with depression, I like knowing that I'll die someday. Like it, it actually gives me peace to think about it. And sometimes I fantasize about it because sometimes I hate life so much that I'm like, Oh, thank God it'll be over at some point. Like it, it actually is something that I like to think my friends go, don't think about dying when you're depressed. I'm like, no, you don't understand. It's like, it gets me through that. It's like a promise at the end that this is, this won't last forever. And then I, and then it,

But then it's like you fight depression with, you know, things that for me, I like will smoke a little weed to fight if I'm really depressed. If I smoke a little weed, it always helps me because I go from feeling really depressed to just like instantly anxious. And it's a different feeling that then I go from wanting to die to being terrified of dying. So it's like jumping from one to the next and always like kind of juggling those two. Wow. Yeah.

What do you guys make of that? No, I think that's so beautiful. I, um, yeah, I sort of, I think I feel similarly in the sense that I've been riding a lot of lime scooters, which I think I think it's sort of begging for death. There's something I'm not processing where I'm like, maybe I can speed this thing up. Yeah. Those things are, they are no helmet, right? Of course. What would I do with it? Where, where,

The whole thing is, is obviously built on the premise that they know no one is ever going to get a helmet anywhere near this fucking thing because the helmet ruins the whole experience. The whole point is you pick up a fucking piece of shit scooter off the ground, go to where you're going, throw it on the ground. You're not planning for that. That's not a system rooted in it. And then you put your helmet in your helmet bag. That fucking sucks ass. It's

If you have a helmet, you have a scooter. You have a scooter. You have a helmet and you have a scooter. If you are bringing a helmet, you might as well park your car. Right. A helmet is a car for the motorcycle that is your head. Yes, exactly. Whoa. So for me, I like being alive and hope to live a long time, but that's just me. But no, but... No, most of the time that is me as well, but yes. For me, edibles, I realized that for me, it was...

actually the opposite that I had a lot of anxiety and depression. It turned out it was quite a lot of depression, but I had the anxiety and the depression and it was that I, I, the anxiety was realizing that I wasn't addressing the causes of the depression. And so then you take the edible and it would get rid of the anxiety. You forget about the depression. And I find that with the problem with like the way that weed is pernicious is that it like makes you

You can separate the you, you observe yourself a little bit. Yes. That like you're, you're feeling everything, you're experiencing everything, the good, the bad, whatever. You take an edible and then all of a sudden you're kind of zoomed over here and you kind of see it all. And you're like, man, that guy's got problems, but they're for tomorrow. Yes.

And you can say, and like, that's actually really useful. Sometimes you have a really hard day at work. You have a bad fight. You have an argument. You have whatever it is. You have a stressful drive, whatever you have, have a little edible. It's like a phase change. And then you kind of can like the night belongs, the night returns to you. And then TV is amazing. It's like, God, I never knew TV could be so good. Totally. It is great. Like it's sort of like a little device. It's a little magical thing for creating like a little bit of wonder in ordinary experiences. But yeah,

If you do it every day, the, this, the main corpus here, the fucking plant isn't changing. It's just, and so every day you just, every night you put off the dealing with the depression and anxiety until the next day. And I did that for several years. Same. And do you not, you don't dabble in the marijuana at all anymore? Very, almost. I went from being someone that was having edibles almost, if not every single night, especially in the midst of a pandemic. Yeah.

What a thing that was. But we don't even need to get into it. But to basically once in a very, very long while. How good for you. Sam. Yes. What are your goals during your time on Earth? Oh, thank you for asking. My goals on Earth. Hmm. I would like to one. You know what I want? Tell me. To just be swimming in pools.

Basically, I realized everything I do is to get my ass into a pool. When I'm in a pool, I'm free. I'm happy. Whenever I'm not in a pool, I'm like, I hate this. Like right now? Like literally right now, I'm like, kill me. Wake me up when I'm in a pool. Well, you don't want to wake up in a pool. No. Now, that's such an important point that you're making because it is...

It is one of the, it's one of the last, except for these people with these God forsaken Apple watches. And again, they have to be stopped. They can't be trusted to go to the movies, but they all, they all, they all got those things glowing during the movies. Oh yeah. And you got to, and if you're, and they don't see it anymore cause it's just, they're used to it. But if you're sitting behind somebody who's got an Apple watch in the movies, it's like, that's a phone. There was a whole fucking video about this. That's a phone. That's your phone. Yeah. Turn that off. But the point I'm making, yeah.

Is the pool, the digital can't get in. The digital can't get in. It's safe. It's free. It truly is free. Who knew that when I was saying that thing about pools, it was social commentary. We knew. We knew. That's how we felt it. Because even if we couldn't articulate it, we felt it. But as an adult, I've

I found that I don't like pools as an adult. As a kid, I thrived in them and felt that way all the time. If I'm not a pool, what am I doing with my life? Everything was about getting to the pool. But as an adult, you just get in it and then I just go, what am I supposed to be doing right now? Like I just sit and like you lay on a raft and talk. Like, is that all you do? You pretend you're a mermaid. Like that's literally. Yes. Okay. Okay. Okay. Literally, I bring goggles and I go to the bottom and I wait there. Okay.

Until I need to come up for air. And then I go right back down. That's so fun. I got to get back. You know, I think

I think it's because as a woman, when you get older, pool becomes being in a little, like a bikini, right? And there's not like, you can't really have fun. You can't dive in. Like you go, Oh, you're constantly like worried your nipples coming out. And so I think that when, as a kid wearing just a full suit, you just had so much more freedom. And, um, I can't wait to get back to that at some point. Oh, well, as a gay guy, I feel like a pool. I think gay guys, as they age, want to return to the sea. And,

And I think pools call even stronger the older we get. Okay, I want to go to a pool with you. I like the... Yeah. Nikki. Yes? I wanted to talk to you about this because we had a similar perspective, but then I believe you in some sense walked it back, which is I need to ask you about Tom Brady kissing his son in the mouth. Oh, I walked it back. Yeah. So now...

There's a video of Tom Brady kissing his son on the mouth and it's a sustained kiss. Yes. And it's a little strange. It's more than a little strange. Yes. Okay. Yeah. It came out like 2017. I saw it like in, in a vacuum. I just only saw the clip and that's, I was,

And basically his son gives him a quick kiss and then Tom Brady's like, that doesn't count or something to that effect. And then there's just a much longer lip to lip smooch. And he's shirtless being massaged on a table by his masseuse. And the kid comes in to be like, oh, this is happening on TV, dad. We're watching it. And he goes, okay, give me a kiss. Can I kiss leaves? That wasn't good enough. Come back.

Long kiss. And the thing about this is... Like, long meaning... Let's see... Okay, how long do you think it is? Let's do it now, okay? Let's clap, let's clap. No, that's the first kiss. And let's hold our hands for the second kiss. It's just... Wow. See, like, that was... That's a kiss. And the thing about it is, I really... I...

I have never wanted to, I sincerely like, I find it just strange and that's all that I find it. And I don't want to impute or imply anything worse or more nefarious than the fact that I just found it a little strange. I just found it strange.

And you found it strange. Well, I think I was triggered at first by it because my dad still would like to kiss me on the lips. Like that was a thing that we did in our family for so long. And he, and when I got to the point, I was a late bloomer. So I didn't kiss a boy until I was like, like really kissed a boy until like my twenties, like where I was like making out with like a boyfriend until really late in life. And at that point, then when my dad, I, then I remember being away, going to college or wherever here and having a boyfriend and making out with boys and then coming back.

And then my dad kissed me on the lips. And there was something in my brain that was like, cross the water. Like I lingered too long. Like it just like, cause it was all,

There was something bad about kissing a boy because it was like, this is something I only do with my dad. And then there was something bad about kissing my dad because it was like, this is something that's for romantic. So I told my dad, I was like, we have to stop. And like, you can't do this anymore. And he was like, he was really like hurt by it because he doesn't, again, like we don't think there's anything creepy. It's just like the way that there's a, we kiss in this, glazers kiss on the lips in this family. And I said, then why don't you and mom do it? And so...

Seriously, I was like, why am I providing this for you? No. And now, I swear to God, I hope my dad doesn't hear this because it is true. Like, now when I can see he's longing for it, like, that's how he used to kiss his daughter. Like, not longing in a father way of like, I used to kiss, if you're a parent that kisses your kid on the lips, I think you'll know what I'm talking about, but most people don't. But it's like, there's a sadness when I do, like, the cheek. Like, there's like a, there's a little bit of awkwardness between us now. It's so weird.

Sam... It's so weird. So you broke up with your dad and now it's awkward. But, so... We can still do hand stuff, but...

I do. I do really. I do think like, so length of kiss aside, I do. I remember growing up, there were just like, there's just affectionate families and not affectionate families. And then in the affectionate families, there were the mouth kiss families. And like, I was not a mouth kiss family. My father and I do a handshake at the airport and you know,

Yeah. I mean, also mouth kiss family is very adjacent to nudity family. And I got to know. I was not that. We were not that. No. Okay. Were you that? Not at all. My family was like, genitals do not exist. Period. Yes. And I celebrate that. But yeah, the Tom Brady thing, I did change my mind on because I saw it on. I like watched the documentary that it was a part of. And I was like, he's.

He's a good dad and was just like, he's kind of an awkward guy. And the kid, here's what I, where I turned it around. The kid did not seem like, I don't want to. He was just like, oh, okay, dad. Like he kind of seemed to be like. But even you just, but he didn't go, he did. It's a long kiss. It was long. It's a long kiss. It was cute. And it is whatever it was. Sam, you host Stradio Lab, a great podcast. Thank you.

You explore straight culture. And I believe the last time I was on, we had a wager. Yeah. Yeah, we did. And there was a bit of prurient, unsubstantiated gossip. Yeah. We are a news podcast, first and foremost. And what's awesome about our style is we don't need proof.

Which is amazing how it opens up the possibilities. Yeah, so we break a lot of interesting stories, actually. But we never really closed the loop on the wager. Yeah, what did we bet again? I don't remember the stakes, but I do remember the bet. And the bet was that you had six months. And if in those six months, Megan and Harry didn't get divorced, I won. And I got a calendar alert the other day.

You got to put your long-term bets in the calendar. It's the fucking best. It's the best. I'm actually going to lose a bet, which sucks because it was a bet about whether or not George W. Bush's reputation would improve. And I, and despite the fact that I hate that it is true because we live in a broken, morally vacant society, his reputation has improved, but I got, I got time. I got a little bit of time because I think it's, I think it's like 2028. Yeah.

And it could go back down again. Yeah, something crazy could happen. Yeah, totally. It's not all football games without one.

But that was wrong. That was completely wrong. I guess I want to say because he's not here, it was completely my co-host's fault. It was. And actually, I know that I'm bringing this up. It was your co-host's fault. Yeah. It was George's fault. Every time I tell a rumor, I fact check it. And I would have never said that. But I, of course, stand by my girl, my co-host, George, who is a boy.

Do you feel their divorce is imminent, though? I think, well, isn't it for all of us, you know? Right, I agree. Back to where we began. Yes. Back to, it's only a short time. We're here for a good time, not a long time. Or a bad time, not a long time. The point is, it's not a long time. I mean, I'm new to Los Angeles, California, and I've been finding that divorce is like the number one thing that can happen to a person here. Yeah.

Everyone has like little jokes. Well, my first divorce and I'm like, what is going on here? Yes. And so I do feel that it will happen to them. Yeah. Divorce is the new deal with Quibi. Totally. It's yeah. I also and they like it's divorce is like 50 percent. But think about maybe

about how many people don't have the balls to go through divorce so that means the other 50% there's a lot of those people that are just like oh I'll just probably never find someone better I have to like sometimes I look at my vagina I'm like I guess I just have to stay in my relationship forever because this I can't have anyone else see this you know do you ever feel that way about your body yeah I have never been sad when a friend has gone through a breakup you know I've never once been sad when a friend is going through a breakup ever I'm like good

Wow. I just want, we were so all together. And then it was like, and one other thing, I hate what happens to my friends when it's good. And I like it when it's bad. Anybody else with me on that? Breakups are amazing. I always say congratulations to people because it's so hard to do. And it's also like great. So you can hang out again. Yes. Oh my God. Yes. Now I get to go on your bumble and look at what's going on on there again. Oh my God. It's so fun. It's so fun. Is that selfish? No. Thank you.

Well, now that we've situated ourselves in our communities, I don't know. That would have been a follow-up to that. It doesn't matter. No, I feel like it still works. No, that works. It's time to put you both to the test in a game we're calling Heads Up, Ass Down. All right.

It's basically like heads up, but gayer. You each have a stack of cards with words on them. Sam, you will take the top card and hold it on your forehead without looking at it. Nikki, you will have 60 seconds on the clock to give him clues to get to where you're going to go through them. You're trying to get as many as you can in 60 seconds. So Sam is giving Nikki clues about straight culture that he doesn't. Here, I'll hold your.

Who's doing it? Oh, no, no. Sorry. I get it now. Sam is going to hold cards up to his head that have straight things on them. Yeah. That Nikki's going to give him clues he has to guess. Yes. Flip them over. Flip them over. Flip them over. Okay. There we go. Yeah, we go. Okay. Let's get a timer on the clock. Wait, we're not starting yet.

Oh, that's the rant wheel. How do you even do this one? I'm so scared. So you have a series of straight culture things. Weaponized incompetence. It's when straight people are bad at things, but they hurt people by being bad at them. A car accident. No. Go to the next one. Weaponized incompetence. Oh. Okay. Law and order. SVU. Oh.

John Mulaney talks about it a lot. It's like, dun dun. Law and order. Yes. But the kind with pedophiles. Yes, yes. Got it. Organized religion. The scourge of our society. Protects pedophiles. Incites violence. Is the reason people hate themselves secretly. The reason people have so much shame. The reason people are. Television. It helps people. Hollywood. It helps people with the fact that

Someday. It really did. Yes. Yes. Hollywood was close. Disney Cruises. Okay. Yeah. It's a that the saddest people go on. It's like trips, like trips through like people disappear in the middle of the night. They're never found. It's what the hell? It's a goofy is there. Yes. Disney Cruise.

That's it. That was it. That was it. That was it. That was it. Oh, my God. You got three. Basketball. No, we're switching sides. That was it. Three in the first round. Three in the first round. We're going to go back. We're going to do two rounds of this because this is too fun. In four seconds, your minute will begin. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And begin. Fisting. Okay. It's a sexual act. Handjob. No. No.

Oh, fisting. Yes. Carly Rae Jepsen. Okay, call me maybe... Carly Rae Jepsen. Yes.

by the way, fisting is not just gay. That's my bubble. That's my bubble. Okay. Doxy pep. Um, okay. So this is like a drug you take after sex. No, it's like a medical thing. It's not a drug. It's like the, um, Oh, you may not get this to be honest. I don't know if this is crossover to straight people. Um, it's still like, but maybe that's just cause I only have gay sex. Um, it is, you can pass actually, but you should all get it. Hunty. Um,

Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. So this is like sort of imagine you're a drag queen and you're like, yes, blank. Bitch. Slay. Close. Let's see. What does it rhyme with? Or I guess you can't do that. Can I do that? I don't think they can do that. No, but you can use, you could do something like what, you can use the word, right? Like you can like, all right.

It's over. You lost. It doesn't matter. You could have said things like, when you go out to try to kill a deer, you know, you could have done hunting. That's the one I did not want. Okay, so how many did Sam get? Sam got only two. Only two. Three, two. No, that's not right. That's not fair. Let's do one more round. Let's do one more round. Sam's up. All right, here we go. Live, laugh, love. Okay, white girls have it in their bathroom. It's three words. Live, laugh, love. Yes, good job. The office.

It's the thing that white people listen to when they're lonely and they go to sleep and they put this on Netflix and they just have it playing. It's comfort TV. It's like the funniest show that's ever. It's the funniest show ever. The Office. Yes, good job. Monogamy. Oh.

Oh, it doesn't work. It's a broken system. We're just talking about it. Government? Democracy? It was invented when we lived to be 32 years old, but now we live to 90 and people still try to make it work. Esther Perel. Marriage? Monogamy! Yes! Selling Sunset. Chris Shell. Those two little twins. Selling Sunset. Yes. Matcha Latte.

It's not a coffee drink, but it gives you a zip and it says it's green and you start drinking. Yes! Take it. We'll accept it. Bachelor party. Vegas. Comedy clubs. These are my girls. Bachelorette. Bachelorette parties. Wow, good. So it's six total. Six total just that round.

Just that round, you got six. Wow. So it's nine. Nikki has nine. You have to get seven just to tie it up. Okay, here we go. Nice coffee. Okay. Gays drink this. It's not matcha, and it's cold. Celsius. No, no. You still get it at sort of a cafe, even. Smoothies. No, it's a morning, morning, morning cold. The cold brew. Yes. Well, no. We'll take it. We'll take it. We'll take it. Thank you.

It was iced coffee. Chapel Roan. Oh, we were just talking. Oh, no, that's iced coffee again. We were just talking about her backstage. She was at Coachella. Yeah, it's Chapel. Chapel Roan. Okay, this is the gay show that everyone watches, gay sports and drag queens. RuPaul. Yeah.

Okay, this is a skinny little gay guy. Oh my god, tell me! No! More general, more general, but yes. Skinny!

Yeah, like the general term. Blank. Yes. Yes. This one's blank. You did it. You did it. I mean, the straights won it. I'm sorry. It wasn't even close. It wasn't even close. Guys, give it up for Nikki and Sam. It was very fun. Thank you. Listen to Straight EO Lab wherever you get your podcasts and stream Nikki's special Someday You'll Die starting May 11th. We come back. It's time for the rant wheel. You guys stick around.

All right. Nice. All right. Before we get to the rant wheel, remember our segment, They, Them's, The Rules? I hope you just yelled yes because we made it a t-shirt. They, Them's, The Rules tees are available now in the Crooked store and they're great. Also, when you're wearing this shirt, any nine-bindy person can come up to you and make up a little rule that you have to follow. Head to crooked.com slash store to pick one up. Also, this week marks the National Holiday 420.

So, and actually wait, this 420 is a very special 420 because it's 4-2-0-2-0-2-4. Whoa, you should tell me that when I'm high. 4-2-0-2-0-2-0-2-0. It's a palindrome. It's a palindrome. I saw someone on TikTok refer to it as Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving.

So funny. Anyway, tune in to Terminally Online to hear your dream blunt rotation of Cricket Hose. It's a great show. It's the loosest and most ridiculous show at Cricket. If you haven't heard it, you should check it out to get access to this exclusive series and get unexpectedly sore abs. Cricket.com slash friends. All right. Now it is time for the rant wheel. Let's get Jaime back out here.

Yes, I'm ready. I'm ready, sir. Yes. Join Nikki and Sam. You know how it works. We spin the wheel wherever it lands. We rant about the topic. Let's spin the wheel. Oh, why me? It has landed on Jaime. I'm going to rant about pedestrians. How they fucking cross the street. Like, they don't give a shit about...

People here in Los Angeles, everybody's high or checking their phones and they cross the street with such entitlement. Like the entitlement, it's annoying. It's overwhelming. It's like you have to look up, look up.

Look up or you're going to get run over. I don't care how fucking important you are. I'm just crossing the street and I'm just going to go. I don't give a fuck. People are high. People are all distracted. And people should be more careful when they cross the street. Please, for the love of God. I completely agree. I just want to say Jaime's impression of someone walking while looking at their phone and being a bitch was literally me.

That's me 90% of the day. There is a kind of crossing the street energy that you're supposed to stop. And it's like, okay, I guess you can tell that to St. Peter. Exactly. They were actually supposed to stop. Yes. If a driver is distracted, of course, of course. Or when they're walking their dogs on the middle of the street.

not giving a shit not giving like i'm walking on the middle of the street what are you gonna do about it if i don't see you i will kill you like are they're made of rubber what the fuck like what's what's what's wrong with people here like it's incredible well the other thing too is it's yes but also the drivers are terrible i don't know how it gets better i really don't understand how it gets better like people are maniacs out there empathy

Yes, sure. It starts with empathy. You're welcome. You're welcome. We have found the answer. All right, let's practice it. But how do we like aren't there experts that are like, how do we make people more empathetic? Like, is there is there anything that can happen?

Besides like drugging us. I think we have to put something in the water. Yeah, that's where I'm at. I think that's what needs to happen. But you're right. It totally is that. I had to learn it. Like I remember going to therapy and my therapist being like, you don't have any empathy. And I remember being like, yes, I do. And she was like, no, you lack empathy. And she was like, it's okay. Like you were raised by people who were raised by alcoholics. Like they don't know it either. It's not their fault. You're not a bad person that you don't know it, but you have to like learn it. So now I've learned it.

And so now I like I have to like sometimes kind of like love on the spectrum be like, oh, I'm so sorry. Like I have to like practice it like sometimes and then it becomes you and now I'm like bleeding with empathy. It's like made it made me a vegan. Like I tapped into it. Now it like came on too strong. I let too much in. Empathy is a slippery slope. You have to especially in LA. You have to cut it off. If you were like, like, oh my God, look at this.

at this. Like every, you wouldn't get through your life if you had too much of it. No, you can have crippling empathy for sure. Yeah, it's terrible. That strikes me as both of your problems. All right, let's spin it again. It is landed on Nikki. Okay, I had two things, so I'm just going to say them both and make really quick. Okay, first of all is Instagram ads. I am

am feeling very victimized by these because they don't stop. I will be strong and I will say, you know what? I don't need those shoes for $350. I really don't need them. I don't want them. They are totally my style and you nailed it for me. That's the way my leg looks. That's the lighting I stand in most of the time. That is like the same kind of sidewalk I put my foot on. I can picture myself in those and then they go, but then they see how much time you spend on it. So the next time that ad comes up, they put a girl

with like your same blonde hair that kind of looks like you and it's not the same blonde girl that other people aren't getting her they're getting me now and then then they go oh she didn't get it then I'll kind of look at it I'll add it to my cart right and so they know I'm into it they'll leave me alone for a little bit then they come back they've renamed the item now it's called the tailor pump and I go oh

This wasn't, I would have remembered the Taylor pump. They name things and then until they, they eventually use your name. And so then you are an idiot and go, it's meant for me. And so you buy the Nikki pant or whatever the fuck it is. And then I,

I just caved on a pair of shoes that I was like, I know you're trying to get me. I know you're doing everything you can to get me and you're never going to get me. And I finally fucking caved on these pair of LaRue shoes. I'm calling you out, LaRue. You make great shoes. I bought them $350. Then I was on a plane and I was scared I was going to crash. So I bought two more pairs. And so then I spent...

Like, $700. So I've spent over $1,000 on three pairs of shoes within a 24-hour period. And I go, you won, LaRue, you won. And today, they are fucking coming at me again. And how dare you stay away from me for at least a month now that you just got...

$1,100 out of me. So that's fucked and you gotta be aware because they literally will find out who you are and they will make up a fake product for you and put it in a store and name it something that you like. They are better gift givers to you than your husband or your wife. They know you so well. So that pisses me off. And then the other thing, I flew today. I am so tired of pilots waking us up to tell us the wind speed

and direction of the town we're about to land in. Who the fuck has ever cared about what speed the wind is and what direction it's going in? Does anyone need to know that besides other pilots? The only reason a pilot needs to come on the fucking microphone is, hey, listen, we just lost a piece of the aircraft. Yes. Okay. That's an important information to relay. That's okay. Okay.

How about when it gets bumpy and I don't get scared because I know turbulence is a normal thing and I've researched it enough, but people who are freaking out taking their first flight, most people are very scared of turbulence on a flight. Will you just get over the intercom and go, guys, this is normal. Don't worry about it. Like just something like that instead of just being quiet up there. So all we think is you're just going, oh!

Yes. So just let us go. No, that's not a big deal. And that mundane, bored voice that you drone on and on about American Airlines' new credit card that you want us to fill out, like, stop waking us up with that shit and tell us important things. Yeah, I agree. End. That's...

That is so beautiful. I know when people freak out with turbulence, I'm like, didn't you accept death when you got on the plane? And I know this is coming from a lime scooter girl, but as soon as the plane shakes, I'm like, yeah, I've been thinking about death the whole time. Like, of course I'm ready. I've made peace. And then you have to go, I have to say my goodbyes and you have to like download a Boingo hotspot. Like I'm like, Oh, just say one last kiss to my dad. One last kiss emoji. Yeah.

I also to your Instagram ad thing. I literally, all of my Instagram ads now are just gay guys. Like I have not seen a straight person on the internet in maybe two years. The sheer volume of athletic shorts, the internet thinks that I want and the fact that they are, it is so insulting and patronizing that they know that like,

that they can put these cheap knockoff shorts of whatever company on a hot guy. And I'll just, yeah, I guess I'll check out the store. They're not wrong. They're not wrong. It's like, he's pretty hot. I should probably click through to see, to see what colors they come in and lease. It is so hard to find people.

Oh, no, it's actually incredibly easy to find gym shorts. Yeah. No, this is every Instagram ad I get is a guy going, oh, my pants are chafing. Yeah, it's a lot of that. It's a lot of that. Here's my feeling on the pilots. I want them to do whatever they need to do to keep being good.

Totally reliable. Like, like these are the most reliable human beings on planet earth. I don't know how these, I don't totally understand it, but for whatever reason, it is important to them and their identities as pilots that even though when they started telling us the weather, everybody traveled with a briefcase that had a folder in it. And now we travel with a computer connected to the satellites that know the temperature and

More accurately and recently than the pilot does. Yes. It is for whatever reason important that that pilot tells us as we're landing in Minneapolis or wherever, what's going on down there. Because he's not just driving a bus down.

He's not just a... He's doing a serious leadership job. And that's good. You're right. And I want them to keep having that fucking vibe. You're so right. They're so reliable. Because nobody else cares about their jobs anymore. And pilots walk through the airport and they're like, I fucking...

You meet a pilot and they're like, I got the greatest fucking job in the world. Every day I get to fly a goddamn motherfucking airplane. Hey, you know when you see pilots lose it? There's only one time you'll ever see a pilot lose it. It is the day they retire and they get on the fucking thing and they go, hey, everybody, I've been flying Delta Airlines.

Seven four sevens since 1971. I've never missed a day of work. I've never had a cold. I've never so much as had a fever. I've never had a drink of alcohol. I've never set an alarm. Today is my last flight. And you know it's a safe one because my wife and daughter are on this plane. And I'm going to miss doing this.

That was so beautiful. I had no idea. But I do want to warn you, this is a Boeing Air Max 7. So forget everything I said. Several people have gone thump, which is the sound you make when you are sucked out of the side of a plane. The sound is thump.

There's no scream. It happens so fast. It's just thump. And that's how you know. Here's the thing. If you're on a plane and people are scared and making a lot of noise, you're fine. That's turbulence. You're in trouble when it goes fucking silent. That's how you know you're going to die. It's not loud before you die. You're in trouble when you see the flight attendants go like... Yeah. That's like, yeah, we're all going to die. You know what it sounds like right before a plane explodes, killing everybody on board? Nobody knows. Nobody knows. Let's spin it again. Let's spin it again.

Which I think is the same when you go with a homemade submarine to the Titanic. I think it's the same. Yes, very similar. I'm sorry. It was 100 years ago. All right. It has landed on Sam. Wow, I was sure it was going to be the dog. Okay, here's what's kind of pissing me off recently in Los Angeles, California. I think you should be able to bump into cars with your car and it'd be fine.

I am sick and tired of bumping into cars and people being so upset. And it's like, there's a lot of us out here. And if this thing is a value, keep it at home. I don't... It's made of metal. It's meant to be run into by me over and over and over. And how am I going to know if I'm as far back as I can go if I'm not bumping into your car? It's literally how I park well. I think it's so crazy that we expect perfection. What?

We know that absence only does not work. And neither is no car crashes. Let me do a tasteful little bump. It will save us all time and energy. And oh my God, you have one life. You're going to get upset about a dent. Grow up. I actually, I agree with you. I agree with you. Car, you know, bumper cars, they've got bumpers on them.

That used to be all cars. They all had bumpers on them because we all understood that these things should be able to tap each other and not have it be a fucking thing. And then the car companies were like, we can make them look cooler and we can make them so much more expensive and profitable for us. If instead of having a rubberized thing that's made for parking and dutching and bouncing, because of course you're going to bump into fucking shit. You're driving around a giant piece of metal through a city, right?

And instead they're like, no, we're going to put plastic coating over them and we're going to make some of them. Sometimes you tap a bumper, you get a dent. That thing connects to like the fucking hood. It's one, basically it's one big piece of molded plastic. And so instead of having a situation where everybody could just kind of lightly tap each other, give each other a little love tap.

A little kiss, a little mwah. Instead of that, oh, you touched my car? We're calling the police. Oh, my God. And then I have to say, you're not from here. They'll never come. So you're welcome to call them. Here's my information. It's my fault. Goodbye forever.

See you at the movies. I tapped into someone while parking recently. I'm learning how to drive in Los Angeles. And he was so chill about it. And I was actually like, you're my sister forever. Like, we are friends and I love you. Nice. Dramatic pause for the... It has landed on me. And here is what I want to talk about. I want cameras in that fucking courtroom.

We have – what are we doing here? Does it serve no actual vital interest for us to actually see and hear what goes on in the trial? Of course it doesn't. Will we get all the actual substantive information we need via reporters and information coming out of the courtroom? Does video only serve to sensationalize it and turn it into a spectacle? Of course. I want that spectacle. I want to sensationalize it. O.J. Simpson, he recently passed away, and may his memory be a blessing.

And I remember when that trial was on television and obviously it kind of was part of the rise of reality TV and true crime and all the rest. That Gwyneth Paltrow trial was so fucking entertaining. Yeah.

I would come home from work and I would watch hours of it. Hour after hour of very specific and intricate science adjacent testimony about what happens when an optometrist slams into an actress at some speed.

And where their body parts go and what falls where. And I loved every goddamn second of it. Could you imagine how much fun we would have if when we got home at the end of the day, we didn't have to put on whatever slop fucking trough that is the fucking internet, but instead...

We got to watch the Trump trial on television. Get the cameras in there. We're sick fucking people. We've been living with this asshole for a fucking decade. We want to watch him go on trial and watch a bunch of Manhattanites be impartial and throw him in fucking jail. If that's what the justice demands. If that's where the facts may lead. All right. And that's the Red Wheel. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. And now because we all need it, here it is, the high note.

Hey, Lovett. My name is Layla. I'm calling from Ventura, California. And my high note is that I just started work as an Adult Protective Services social worker, which is a job that I have dreamed of having for many years. And I'm so excited to get to help out elders and disabled adults in the community that I was born and raised in. And so, yeah, it's wonderful. And that is my high note. Thank you so much for everything that you do.

Hey, Lovett. I just wanted to let you know that thanks to Joe Biden's efforts and student loans, I had all of my student debt relieved. It was over $180,000. It was a true sense of freedom in my life, and now I'm thinking about putting down a down payment on a place in the very inexpensive market of San Diego, California. Thanks, love the show, and keep up all the good work fighting the good fight.

Thanks, everybody. You sent in a high note tonight. If you want to send us a high note, send a message to lowlyhighnotes at gmail.com. Or if you're a friend of the pod, you can leave us a high note in the friend of the pod discord server in the love it or leave it channel. And that is our show. Thank you so much to Nikki, to Sam, to Jaime. Thank you so much for all being. Thank you all for coming out to Dynasty Typewriter. There are 198 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night and have a great weekend.

It's Love It or Leave It. It's Love It or Leave It. Straight Shoot. Love It or Leave It. It's Love It or Leave It.

Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Chris Lord is our producer. And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mahana Del Shiki are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. And we're your listeners.

And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing video each week so you can. ♪♪♪

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