They/Them Is Risen
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Toyota, let's go places. Welcome to the stage, Sharma! Hello, Los Angeles! Oh, there's the music. Done this show hundreds of times. Welcome to Love It or Leave It. For those listening at home, this is the first time you're hearing it. For those in the crowd tonight, this is literally the second time they're hearing this monologue because there was a technical glitch. But as I've told this audience many times, their experience is irrelevant. Yes.

They are a tool for the enjoyment of the people hearing this at home, and that has never been more true than it will be for the next 10 minutes until we catch up to the part where the recording worked.

This week, Cara Clank and Brendan Scannell attempt to trust women and we say good luck. Dwayne Perkins and Katrina Davis are horrified by Florida and whatever is scarier than Florida. Then we ask ourselves the most important question of our generation. What would Beyonce do and why can't we do it half as well? But first, let's get into it. What a week. Have you heard the good news? Jesus has risen and the Holy Trinity's pronouns are they them.

Easter happened to fall on Trans Visibility Day this year, and Republicans lost their goddamn minds, accusing President Biden of forcing Jesus to share his special day with trans people. But sometimes there are just two things that happen to fall on the same day. There are people whose birthday is on 9-11 every year, and you don't hear them complaining about it. Well, you do hear them complaining about it. In reality, Republicans had only the calendar to be mad at. Transgender Day of Visibility is always March 31st.

So, Republicans should blame the moon. That's what they should do. They just have to blame the moon, like all the liberals who believe in astrology. Nevertheless...

Wow, that worked the second time. Nevertheless, Donald Trump kept the outrage flowing at a rally in Green Bay, Wisconsin on Tuesday. And what the hell was Biden thinking when he declared Easter Sunday to be Trans Visibility Day?

Such total disrespect to Christians. And November 5th is going to be called something else. You know, it's going to be called Christian Visibility Day when Christians turn out in numbers that nobody has ever seen before. Continue Trump and we'll have a symbol that everyone can see a big cross maybe. And we'll light it on fire at night for extra visibility. Hey, why is my whole team running on stage?

And the Democrats love fags more than Christ. Hits kept coming. The Daily Caller published an article alleging that the Biden administration had banned religious imagery on eggs used at the White House Easter's festivities on Sunday, which is funny because it's usually conservatives telling liberals what to do with their eggs. ♪

Still got it. However, as the White House subsequently pointed out, the ban on religious imagery had been in place for decades. It was the only way to stop Walter Mondale from worshiping the eggs.

It's like these people have never heard of a little principle called the separation of church and egg. Anyway, the Daily Caller retracted the article, saying that with additional context, the news value of the article was significantly diminished. Continued the Daily Caller, boy, do we have Easter egg on our face. Oh, God, what's happening to us? A retraction and a joke. Who are we? We tried a Beyond Burger and it wasn't that bad. Please, somebody help us. We think we might be bi.

The White House thanked the Daily Caller for the retraction, but the whole situation is very confusing. Why is this deeply misleading article about Democrats being anti-Christian busybodies the one that goes too far? It's like if the Riddler called Batman and was like, this riddle is too confusing. Robin is locked under the aqueduct. Thank you for holding me accountable. That's what the Riddler laughs at. Speaking of dying for our sins, at a recent campaign event, Trump issued this prediction slash threat. Because if we don't win on November 5th, I

I think our country is going to cease to exist. It could be the last election we ever have. I actually mean that. It reminds me of a terrible game, peekaboo. You cover your eyes, mommy is gone. Poof, no mommy, very sad. It's a very tragic situation, no mommy. But then you uncover your eyes and mommy is back and she's back better than ever before in the history of this country. If I lose, no country, no mommy. If I win, mommy is back. All right.

In New York, Trump came through with the $175 million bond necessary to prevent the state from seizing his assets. Like watching the shittiest person you know land a skateboard trick. The one person you wouldn't mind seeing lose a few teeth and he got down that banister no problem. The bond payment prevents Attorney General Tish James and the state of New York from collecting the full $454 million until his appeal is resolved. Which is tough because she already ordered all the vanity light bulbs for the Trump Tower Drag Queen Institute for abortions in movies with subtitles.

In a statement, the attorney general said she doesn't mind waiting a bit longer to roll around at a big pile of Trump's money like that scene from Indecent Proposal. Meanwhile, Juan Merchan, the judge presiding over Trump's hush money case, rejected Trump's bid to delay the start of the trial until after the Supreme Court rules on his presidential immunity claims in a separate case. Imagine wasting the world's sexiest name on being a trial judge. Juan Merchan. So sexy.

Trump was mad, but he relaxed by doing his favorite hobby, looking up the names and home addresses of Juan Merchan's friends and loved ones. Of course, Trump not only works hard to avoid jail time, he also plays hard to avoid any moment of silence into which thoughts might intrude. But how do we understand the mind of Donald Trump?

Axios has the answer. His taste in music. This is the actual opening sentence of the piece.

Former President Trump thinks, talks, and acts like no other politician in our lifetime. There's a Rosetta Stone that demystifies how his mind works. His closest friends tell us. His Mar-a-Lago Spotify playlist. A

Among those Trump-approved hits, Phantom of the Opera, Jesus Christ Superstar, and James Brown and Luciano Pavarotti's duet of It's a Man's Man's Man's World, to name a few. You know how the TikTok algorithm reveals you're gay before you do? Donald Trump's playlist reveals that he's a closeted gay Long Island baby boomer who grips the side of his lawn chair a little too tightly whenever the Spanish guy goes by in his riding lawnmower on Tuesday mornings. You missed a spot, says Trump, imagining a completely different life.

The former president also sims for Elvis Presley's suspicious minds, Hello by Lionel Richie, Guns N' Roses' November Rain, and Sinead O'Connor's Nothing Compares to You. And according to attendees, Trump plays the hits so loudly, attendees have trouble talking. I have to assume it's better to hear Frank Sinatra's My Way at jet engine levels than to perceive even one word spoken by Rudy Giuliani or his no doubt ghastly date.

Per one Mar-a-Lago guest, the playlist speaks to how Trump's brain is a set of titanium tubes that constantly pump out the same material, whether it be music or rants about the stolen election. What a unique insight. It's stuff like this you can only learn by watching the most omnipresent reported on man on earth DJ a couple of times.

And speaking of spinning in circles while the world burns, on Thursday, those crazy centrist kids over at No Labels gave up the ghost on running a third-party presidential ticket, one that many feared could act as a spoiler and help re-elect Donald Trump. No Labels founder Nancy Jacobson said in a statement that the organization won't continue to pursue their dream of a unity ticket, having reached out to 30 potential candidates and been unable to find any viable options. I haven't seen moderates get hammered like this since Joe Manchin's last houseboat orgy. I don't know.

The news comes a week after the death of No Label's founding chair and former Senator Joe Lieberman, who passed away after a fall. Did Jill Biden push Joe Lieberman? Of course not.

That's a vile rumor. She wasn't even in Connecticut that night. How could she be? She went to an IMAX 70 millimeter showing of Dune II in the nation's capital. And sure, if she had access to, say, a Sikorsky X2 helicopter, it is possible that she could potentially have walked into the theater, out a side exit, into the waiting helicopter, flown to Connecticut, killed Joe Lieberman...

And flown back and then re-entered the theater during the two hour and 46 minute runtime with a little buffer for trailers. Anna Sikorsky's X2 range of 808 miles would be just enough to make the round trip journey. But then how could she have emerged from the theater with such complete thoughts on Paul Atreides' rise as Muad'Dib?

and the film's nuanced portrayal of a savior figure. And sure, that night she could barely sleep and wouldn't tell Joe Wise if she felt on some level there was a burden only she could carry, that that was her job, that that is what is required when you love both your country and your family. But doesn't she have more than enough reason to be a little bit stressed?

as not only a wife to a president, but as a teacher in a society that will not learn and a mother of daughters in a country that will not protect women? Isn't that explanation enough? Isn't that reason enough for Jill Biden to have nightmares? Don't we all have nightmares? In deeply tragic and awful news on Monday, an Israeli airstrike on a World Central Kitchen convoy in Gaza killed seven aid workers. Israel was quick to admit the attack had been a mistake as no Palestinian children were in the convoy. Yeah. Yeah.

It was tough. President Biden said at a White House meeting with Muslim community members Tuesday that the first lady had been urging him to help protect civilians in Gaza. Joe Biden now faces the question that all wife guys must one day face. Am I enough of a wife guy to end the most devastating humanitarian crisis of our time?

A lot of people don't know this, but acceptable and unacceptable are like flammable and inflammable. They seem like they should be opposites, but they mean the same thing.

After the call, Israel did say it would open the Erez crossing in northern Gaza to allow more aid to reach people in need. And that was just a phone call. Imagine if someone shows Biden how to use FaceTime. This week, Florida Supreme Court ruled that the state's 15-week abortion ban passed in 2022 is constitutional, paving the way for a new six-week ban enacted in 2023 to take effect next month. The court then adjourned because after 5 p.m., the mosquitoes in the courthouse, an unmaintained motel swimming pool, become unbearable.

The decision will affect pregnant people across the South who frequently travel to Florida for abortion services from surrounding more restrictive states. Look, I'm not telling Pitbull to start running an illegal fan boat service shepherding the pregnant from Miami to Virginia, but I'm also not not saying that.

In their ruling, the court also said that a proposed constitutional amendment, which would protect abortion rights before viability at around 24 weeks, could appear on the ballot in November. Abortion rights organizations are hopeful voters will turn out to secure their rights, as they have for similar measures in Ohio and Michigan. So, women of Florida, the ball was back in your court. But also, so is an alligator, and a guy on basalt, and a trans person hoping to find a bathroom, and a pair of Disney adults, one of whom is asexual and the other of whom is protectors.

tending to be asexual because no one else has ever replied before. Florida, you've got this. A new bill introduced in the California Assembly would prevent employers from reaching out to employees outside of work hours, which is completely fine by me because after work hours, my employees seamlessly transition to my best friends. We're all on board with that, right? Yeah, we're good.

Best friends. The right to disconnect bill would mean employees are not obligated to respond to calls, texts, or emails outside of work hours and emergencies. For the record, when I reach out to one of my employees at 11 p.m. asking, am I a bad person? That is an emergency. Okay.

Said State Assemblyman Matt Haney, who submitted the bill, workers shouldn't be punished for not being available 24-7 if they're not being paid for 24 hours of work. Totally. Such a great point. Counterpoint. Sometimes I think of a Rudy Giuliani joke at 10 p.m., and if I don't get validation for it within four minutes, the fragile house of cards that is my sense of self will collapse into nothing, and then nobody has a job.

Speaking of nobody having jobs in the future, New York City launched an AI chatbot to help small businesses navigate the city's bureaucracy. One problem, the chatbot has gone rogue, giving out false information and advising business owners to break the law. Also, it answers every other question with, hey, I'm machine learning here. Which isn't that harmful, but pretty annoying.

Taylor Swift has officially made it onto the Forbes billionaires list, having become a billionaire in October of last year. Swift plans to celebrate becoming a billionaire in the traditional manner by going completely insane. New rule. You're not allowed to find love and become a billionaire in the same year. Some of us didn't even find a deodorant we liked.

Scientists have excitedly announced that this spring marks the cicadageddon, a double dose of cicadas scheduled to emerge after years underground. And you know what that means? The McRib is coming back.

Periodic cicadas surface every 13 to 17 years. And because those are prime numbers, 2024 marks the first overlap of these same broods in 221 years. It was 1803 when Thomas Jefferson was president that both of these cicadas emerged from underground. I can't believe I have to experience this all over again, said Joe Biden.

As a scientist told Fortune magazine, and this is a real quote, we've got trillions of these amazing living organisms coming out of the earth, climb up of trees, and it's just a unique experience, a sight to behold. It's like an entire alien species living under our feet, and then some prime number years, they come out to say hello. The scientist went on to say, and before you ask, yes, I've had sex before with thousands of cicadas.

A truck carrying over 100,000 live salmon crashed in Oregon last week, but most of the fish, this is real, managed to flop into a nearby creek and are expected to migrate to the ocean successfully. A truck crashed, 100,000 salmon spilled out, and they got into a body of water that will take them to the ocean successfully.

This is like if I crashed my car, was thrown through the windshield, flew through the air in circles, and landed in a booth in front of a piping hot spinach dip at the Cheesecake Factory. Fucking awesome. And finally, NASA announced the creation of a brand new lunar-based time system used to plan complicated space missions. A lunar-based time system, they're calling it MUNTS. LAUGHTER

All right. Coming up, should we really trust women? Cara Clank and Brendan Scannell find and inevitably lose out? We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Each year, the International Rescue Committee's Emergency Watchlist Report assesses the 20 countries at greatest risk of new or worsening humanitarian emergencies. These countries are home to only 10.6% of the world's population, but carry a disproportionate burden of global humanitarian crisis. The civil war in Sudan has left over 24 million in need of humanitarian aid.

while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis,

and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. And I walk pundit. I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Ha ha ha!

Healthy, very healthy call. That's real. That's real. Sorry, Dr. Christie, I can't do therapy. I got to go on Anderson Cooper. You can watch. I'll be saying the same things I'll be saying to you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash love it to get 10% off your first month. Obviously,

Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it.

The election is less than 100 days away. Oof. Wow. That might sound scary, but it also means you still have 100 days to donate and volunteer your ass off. And whether you're falling out of a coconut tree or anxiously clinging to one, now is the time to volunteer, donate, and canvas your ass off.

Canvassing is an especially great way to make a difference to get the word out about important candidates and valid initiatives where you live. Sign up to Canvas at votesaveamerica.com and then head to the Crooked store to pick up a canvassing kit. This is all the essentials for a day of door knocking, including a clipboard, pens, band-aids, a tote bag, and more. Get one to motivate yourself to canvas more or send them to your friends in swing states. Matching clipboards are the new matching friendship bracelets. Go to crooked.com slash store to get your kit.

And we're back! Nice.

This week, the House's most sycophantic Republicans introduced a bill to rename Virginia's Dulles International Airport after America's most indicted former president. Are there more fitting facilities to bear Donald Trump's name? Of course. But Congress doesn't have the authority to decide what things are called in Chernobyl, like, say, an abandoned dump where the mutated dogs live. Anyway, we're not thrilled about it, but this episode of Love to Leave It is brought to you by Donald J. Trump International Airport.

Whether you're a Trump supporter flying in for the next insurrection or a Trump supporter fleeing to a non-extradition country after a failed insurrection, be sure to book your travel through Donald J. Trump International Airport, the biggest, most beautiful airport in the world. The girls at the Cinnabon counter?

New York nines, LA sevens, minimum. The bathroom toilets, solid gold. The Hudson News stores, your convenient one-stop shop for MAGA-Hass loaded guns and Trump brand beef jerky that needs to be kept refrigerated or it turns into meat liquid. Looking for a great book to read on the plane? Trick question, Ken Jennings. Reading is for losers and ugly women. We know you're just looking for a new pair of headphones to leave in your bag.

While you watch videos on your phone at full volume with your shoes and socks off. And we've got you covered. Donald J. Trump International Airport. Go ahead, throw your phone charger at the gate agent. She's nobody. And we're back. This week, President Biden doubled down on abortion rights as the focus of his presidential campaign, releasing a new ad declaring Donald Trump doesn't trust women. I do. Here to tell us which side of this very important issue they stand on, it's Brendan Scannell and Cara Clank. Oh, hello. Come on out. Hi. Hi.

Good to see you both. Hi. Oh yeah. Okay. Good to see you both. Yeah. You too. Yeah. And here you are. It's been a minute. We're back.

Let's start by getting your thoughts on this Biden ad. For 54 years, they were trying to get Roe v. Wade terminated. And I did it. And I'm proud to have done it. In 2016, Donald Trump ran to overturn Roe v. Wade. Now, in 2024, he's running to pass a national ban on a woman's right to choose. I'm running to make Roe v. Wade the law of the land again. So women have a federal guarantee to the right to choose. Donald Trump doesn't trust women.

I do. I'm Joe Biden, and I approve this message. I like it. My first reaction, I think Biden looks hot. He's hot.

When he's fully fucking spackled, when he's just like, when he's just like, when he's got the, the haircut is good. He's got whatever. Wig tape. Whatever's going on. Yes. Whatever they're doing, whatever kind of, you know, share treatment, whatever they're shooting him through, whatever's happening. Like when he's looking good, he looks good. Like the post state of the union, when he did that tour and he was, he was just like on it.

I like that. I feel good about that. Just like an insurer with a little bit of coke. Yeah. 100%. I just want a TikTok of one of the people being like, and this is what, this is fillers, this is the jaw reduction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody circling it and showing you exactly. And Joe Biden's like, it's just guazhong. It's just guazhong. Guazhong. Kara, do you trust women? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Brandon, do you trust women? Not all women, but most. Implicitly. Yeah. Okay.

You passed the test. Who's a woman you don't trust? Who's a woman I don't trust? I mean, there's plenty. I mean, like a personal friend of mine that you wouldn't know and no one would have any idea who I'm talking about. I think that's probably not in your best interest. I was saying like a public figure. Yeah, like a public figure. I mean, if you want to say like, I don't trust Jessica, she's a fucking cunt. But like, I don't think that's the right direction.

A woman I don't trust. Who do I think is a slippery little snake? I mean, well, we were just talking about Marjorie Taylor Greene backstage. Right, we don't trust her. What an abject psychopath.

And you said you trust women, but not all women. I don't trust Omarosa. I just watched House of Villains. I don't know if anyone's watched. Omarosa shows up on this reality TV show called House of Villains. And she really is so just pleasureless. She takes all of the fun out of the reality show. And so I just don't get why we keep giving her reality TV show opportunities as well as job opportunities.

Yeah. There's something I haven't watched House of Villains, but there's a problem, which is like,

a true villain, like the best villains don't believe they're villains. Like they have to, that's what makes them. That's like, like on reality shows, like the, the most fun villains to watch are the ones who believe they're narrating a hero's journey, but I've lost their goddamn mind. That's television. That's television to me. I'll throw Bethany Frankel out there as well. Wouldn't trust her. Someone say, oh,

There's like an epidemic in New York right now of some, of a man that's going around punching women in the face. I don't know if everybody's heard about that. And immediately Bethany was like, that happened to me too. There's no, if that happened to you, bitch, the tick tock would have been open before your head could even snap back.

There's no video. I'm sorry. I don't believe it. I don't believe women in this one specific case. I don't believe she was punched. Every woman has like a black eye. Bethany's like happened to me too. Anyway, like there's no proof. There's no proof. I don't believe it. We don't believe it. I do believe women, but not her. Go on. Well, and that's a perfect segue into a game we're calling. Would you trust this woman?

Here's how it works. I'm going to read you a quote from a woman in this week's news. You tell me if you trust this woman or not, and then you'll find out who it is. Okay. Let's do it. First up, here's the quote. We wouldn't want to encourage people to swim in the river willy-nilly because you want to make sure you're safe. It demonstrates that the river is a place where people can recreate safely. Do you trust that woman?

As somebody who is anti-river swimming, she seems like she's trying to get people into the river. And so I know I don't trust her.

I mean, this feels like a trap because I feel like I trust her. She's literally just saying, let's all be careful in this river, right? That's basically the crux of the quote. So I want to trust her, but I know you're going to be like, it's Hitler's wife or something. Yes, that was obviously a famous quote from a woman in the news this week, Ava Braun. Oh, it's in the news this week. It's in the news this week. But you know, I was just, I know it's not, but yeah. Okay. I want to say trust. I'll just go counterpoint, you know? Carrie got it.

Because it's Margaret Frisbee of Friends of the Chicago River about the Chicago River opening up for a swim event for the first time in 100 years. Margaret who? Margaret Frisbee. She's just a woman named Margaret Frisbee. It's a great name. Okay. Next up. The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is that good men do nothing. Do you trust the woman who said that? That...

That was said in the news this week, but that's an old quote. For sure. Okay. It sounds like it's from Independence Day. No, that sounds like a woman that's like, that's why the kids should have guns so they can shoot the shooters. You know, like I think that I don't trust.

I'm going to say trust because it's one of my favorite flicks. Kara's two for two. Brendan O for two. That was Marjorie Taylor Greene. Oh, I know that bitch when I hear her. The next part of the quote is Speaker Johnson completely surrendered all power we had in the House to stop horrendous crimes like child rape by illegals when he fully funded Biden's deadly open border without a fight. Like, what is she? She really is just like clown town. Yeah. Yeah.

Next quote, you can do anything you want. You're Joker. Oh, well, that's is that like Lady Gaga from the new Joker movie? I'm going to say no. I'm trusting her. I trust her. I trust her. I would get run over by a speedboat for Lady Gaga. So I trust her. Like you mean like in traffic or like on the water? Jump into the Marina Del Rey.

Unprompted, unasked for. Okay. Is she playing just like the Joker's girlfriend or is she Harley Quinn? Keep in mind, I don't know anything about any of these kinds of movies. She must be Harley Quinn. She's Harley Quinn, right? Is she Harley Quinn? Okay, cool. Oh yeah, she's Harley Quinn. Got it, got it. Here's a clip. You can do anything you want. I am so in on this movie. That first movie was such an unholy text. I'm like so in on seeing another.

I didn't see the first one and I will be seeing this one without having seen the first one. That hurts a little bit. That hurts me a little bit because it's so bad. You need to go into this having seen what a wild, terrible... Yeah. I really struggle to watch men want to do stand-up comedy. Yeah, that's what's tough too. It's like my version when you're like, I hate needles. LAUGHTER

I didn't watch it. I cooked in my kitchen while my husband watched it. And I just went, what? Like, I just kept going, ugh, what are you watching? So I feel like I've seen it. My only defense of it is that like one way people respond to the fact that anything you do, it used to be you could put something into the world and you might hear a review or get a little bit of a taste of what people think about it in person. But now when you put something into the world, you hear every version of every opinion that anyone could ever have had about it.

And so much of the response is to like kind of preempt any criticism by creating ironic distance of some kind in the work itself. That's an op eds, but it's also in movies. It's like the kind of jokey tone of Marvel movies. It's like a little bit like we're just having fun here. We know this is stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Joker takes itself so fucking seriously. It feels like it was made by people who had the energy of people.

of someone defusing a bomb. Like if we don't get this exactly right, if we don't get the dance sequence of, of, of this Joker dancing down the stairs, just so a school blows up. Right. That's the precision of this God forsaken film. That sounds great. I know. I would like that. That's what I'm saying. They took it so seriously. Well, they cast somebody in it in the second one, Lady Gaga.

famously, obviously, I've already said I would die for her, no sense of humor or irony. And that's why it's going to be a blast. And who takes things very seriously. When she was in that Gucci movie, she spoke in an Italian accent in her real life for three months. Yeah. I think about that sex scene every day.

He thinks about it every day. Wow. Now imagine the sex scene that clearly will be in this film. That is inconceivable that we won't be getting an extremely dramatic and serious and artistic sex scene.

And you're not going to have seen the first movie. You're not going to understand why they're having sex. I was at House of Gucci opening night. OK, it was me and all gay men. OK, so, yes, I will be at this opening night. I can't believe that movie didn't do better. There are people who say, doesn't this bitch have more than one pair of pants? I have had these pants for 40 years. Do you trust this woman?

Me? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. 100%. It's Cher accepting her Icon Award at the iHeart Music Awards on Monday. Cher said of her ancient pants, I thought we should come here and accept this award together. She's like, these pants are Bob Mackie. Yeah.

I saw Cher in concert. I liked it. I liked it. They're Bob Mackie. Everything she wears is Bob Mackie, I think. I saw her in concert and she started so many stories where you were like, yeah. She's like, well, did I tell you guys about the time I almost didn't get cast in Witches of Eastwick? And then she would do a circular thing, never come back to it. She would just literally drift off to another story. Four stories. I tweeted her and I go, can you finish what you said in Vegas last night about Witches of Eastwick? Because I wanted to know.

She did not reply. There is nothing. Miley Cyrus, these covers are incredible. And there's an album of covers that are live. They're amazing. But they include in the covers the kind of interstitial conversation she had with the crowd. And I've never heard somebody more passionately say absolutely nothing for like 60 to 90 seconds about like the meaning of these songs. It is excruciating. Oh, wow. I got to listen. Sounds like a good use of my time.

I'm currently out of the country, but if what I've written here qualifies as an offense under the terms of the new act, I look forward to being arrested when I return to the birthplace of the Scottish Enlightenment. Do you trust this woman? No, I know who this is. And I do not trust her.

I kind of blacked out halfway through that quote, but I'm going to go no to. Yeah, it's J.K. Rowling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On an unhinged diatribe on Twitter against, obviously, trans people, the Harry Potter writer responded to Scotland's new Hate Crime and Public Order Act, which criminalizes stirring up hatred based on race, sexuality, gender identity, religion, and disability by posting photos of trans women and railing against their inclusion in society. She was not arrested. Just get a grip. Why is she such a dog with a bone with this thing? It's crazy. I don't get why she won't just...

We heard you. Go to the corner, have your transphobic thoughts, and stop putting them out in the world. It's weird. I agree. Yeah. I don't understand why this... There's certain, like... It's like Billy Crystal with baseball. Like, we love you. Just shut up about it. We've been...

The Billy Crystal, when Billy Crystal was doing his one man show about baseball, which I have seen. That's real. Yes. Billy Crystal did a one man show about baseball and about being Jewish and baseball. And when I say this thing was like, you know, in the movie contact, they're beaming something all around the galaxy to reach the

That musical was a beeping fucking klaxon to reach Jewish older men.

and get them to text any Jewish younger man in their family tree. You must go see this before it closes. This is a masterpiece. If I'm buying 17 tickets right now, all the cousins are going. It's Billy Crystal. It's Judaism. It's baseball. I will kill myself if my whole family doesn't go to this. They're probably sending that text from in the theater. They're in the theater. Because no one at that show is turning their ringer off.

off. Billy Crystal is on stage going like this. You know, the kind of... I've never seen it, but I've heard lore. Oh, that's just me doing a baseball thing. No, I mean, you do it. I couldn't do it. You did it better. A nice tongue pop. Two people have seen drag before. They should have darted me now when I don't end segments. Oh, wow. Thank you, Karen Brendan. Thank you. It was a pleasure. Thank you.

And now another word from our sponsor, Donald J. Trump International Airport.

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And then back to people. But beyond these exciting challenges, Trump Airport is a spectacular success and all those air traffic controllers who quit because they weren't getting paid and had nowhere to piss and shit are just whiners who are holding us back. Donald J. Trump International Airport now hiring air traffic controllers. After school shifts available. And we're back. Please put your hands together and welcome to the stage the eerily talented Dwayne Perkins and the terrifyingly hilarious Katrina Davis.

Hi. Thank you for being here. Nice to see you. Please come here. Welcome to the show. Dwayne. Yes. You're a fan of horror movies. I am. And you starred in The Blackening. Yes. Katrina. Yes. You do stand-up comedy and you've lived in Florida. Both true. So you have seen Frights. It's true. You have both seen terrible Frights. Yes. Yes, I have.

And so we wanted to welcome you with a twist on a love it or leave it favorite reality versus reality TV. Dwayne and Katrina, this is horror versus horror movies. Dwayne, I'm going to ask you your thoughts on the cinematic scares that have terrorized America's silver screens over the past few months. Katrina, I'll ask you about living in Florida. Obviously, both of you can weigh in on either topic. This is my show. What's going to happen? No, you can just do whatever you want. There's a light, there's a touch of format. You know what I mean? For just a chat.

Are you ready? I'm very ready. Okay. Winnie the Pooh, Blood and Honey 2 is now in theaters. Here's a little clip. Give us a sample. Did you know this was happening? Absolutely did. They have a whole universe that they're making. For those at home, that was an evil humanoid Winnie the Pooh, thirsty for gore, searching for revenge.

What's that? Why? Why are they doing this? Winnie the Pooh as a character just became like fair use. Yeah, public domain, I guess. Yeah, public domain. And there was, I think there was like more than one. But the second one was rated a lot higher than the first one. So they're getting better. So this is what happens when you let a trademark lapse, is what you're saying. Yes. They said, why not?

And they're improving, so. It is actually wild to me that nobody, basically because Steamboat Willie from Disney went into whatever it's called, public domain. And it seems like it is like one of these horror studios should have just been making a...

steamboat willie horror movie and just like had it ready to go yes i feel like they didn't want to touch it because of the racial implications it's a weird period that that steamboat mickey was steamboating right yeah i guess i suppose you mean the period being american history they were like black and white he probably has less um i do feel like that would be like the end of i know what you did last summer just like running around a boat a bunch

Just wrap it up. I get it. The platonic love triangle at the center of the blackening. Yes. Okay. So there's a gay guy, straight woman, best friend, straight college ex-boyfriend versus like why doing it like that instead of like a romantic entanglement?

Because I think often people place romantic relationships above platonic relationships. And as a gay person who has had a lot of friends, I feel often the gay best friend role is substituted for the attention that some people cannot get from a romantic partner. And I wanted to bring attention to the fact that like,

don't do that. Don't waste somebody's time. That time and energy given to you platonically should be just as worth as the energy given to you romantically. And so I wanted to expand the gay best friend trope and really speak to that in reference to how gay best friends are often used in films.

Do you think that's also how they're used in life sometimes too though? Huh? Are they used in life that way too? Yeah. Yeah. Like that, that was like very true to me just in terms of like, don't waste my time. Like if you are, you're, if you're using me and my energy to like satiate this thing, you're like, Oh, I'm sad. This person screwed me over. And then you go back to them. Don't come back to me because what, then why would you waste my time? And I felt like that was kind of the,

relationship I really wanted to shine light on. Yeah. Nice. Thanks. I've been a gay best friend before. Did you enjoy it? I'm still doing it. Are you enjoying it? I don't know. Katrina, an object that tore through the roof of a Naples, Florida home might be garbage from the International Space Station plummeting to Earth. Care to comment?

Is that what it's like in Florida? It's pretty sick. Is that a Florida reaction to be like, awesome? No, I was just thinking about there's an old picture of a grouchy woman that got hit with a meteor.

Does everyone know what I'm talking about? She was like leaning on her couch and a meteor came through. But it's like in the 20s and it's just like a hardy woman with a meteorite in her hand just being like this thing hit me in the belly. So, I mean, it could have been worse. That could have killed somebody. It just like went through what the ceiling then the floor. Because what is it? They don't know? It doesn't have a serial number or nothing? I'm trying to figure out the context of like the side. Like it just I don't know what it is.

It's just like a big piece of concrete. Yeah. Like, were they missing? Were they looking for that? And they were like, oh, great. Or were they like, oh, we don't know where this came from. Because like, how would they know? It was like from a satellite and not just like from somewhere else. There's too much garbage. It's sort of like they're like, hey, International Space Station, this is Cape Canaveral. A big piece of something just fell through a roof in Florida. Yeah.

Is it possible that it's this piece of your battery? And they're like, no, I just saw, oh, shit. It was right, I left it right here in outer space. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, just checking screens. Yeah. I got renter's insurance for the first time recently, and I don't think this will be covered. Yeah.

That's an interesting question though, right? Like it's not, what would it be covered under, right? Because it's not like, because it's like, is it like, it's not an act of God. It's from people, but it's not a flood. No. It's not wind damage, not storm damage. It's not fire. It's just an object. It's a human made object. I guess you'd have to really kind of like, hey NASA, this is a huge problem for me personally and a rounding error for you because we know how well you do things. It takes 30 years. It costs billions of dollars. You're going to have to send me a check for,

for like five grand to fix the roof, the floor, the floor below the floor. It's going to be more than five grand. That's a bunch of different layers of holes. I was going to say, I would aim a lot higher than five grand. Yeah, it went through a roof. Yeah, let's go higher. We got to do emotional damage too. They should just do a special episode of an HGTV show where NASA gets to do a cameo. The one with Lil Jon. And they fix the hole that they made and get rid of that linoleum. Houston, we have...

A queer guy for the straight guy. Episode coming your way. Dwayne, Katrina, thank you so much for being here. They're going to sit around. We come back. We're going to exercise some grudges. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way.

The election is less than 100 days away. Oof. Wow. That might sound scary, but it also means you still have 100 days to donate and volunteer your ass off. And whether you're falling out of a coconut tree or anxiously clinging to one, now is the time to volunteer, donate, and canvas your ass off.

Canvassing is an especially great way to make a difference to get the word out about important candidates and valid initiatives where you live. Sign up to Canvas at votesaveamerica.com and then head to the Crooked store to pick up a canvassing kit. This is all the essentials for a day of door knocking, including a clipboard, pens, band-aids, a tote bag, and more. Get one to motivate yourself to canvas more or send them to your friends in swing states. Matching clipboards are the new matching friendship bracelets. Go to crooked.com slash store to get your kit.

We now bring you a final word from the world's most pro-life airport, whatever that means. Donald J. Trump International Airport was founded on a sacred principle that rules are for suckers and standing in line is for vegan queers who don't have a secret family to get back to. And yeah, when the rules don't apply to you, you can board the airplane whenever you want. But that's also true of everyone else. And everyone else also has a travel size AR-15 from what used to be a neck pillow store.

And it does turn out everyone wants to board the airplane at the same time. And that time is immediately. So yes, a mob of angry travelers who are always mad and don't know what they're mad about has overrun the TSA checkpoint. And yes, they're forcing the TSA agents to drink from their own trash can of confiscated liquids. And sure, FBI SWAT teams are gathering outside. So Trump Airport has fallen. But there is still hope.

For in a sense, every airport is a Trump airport. Every space where rules are for other people, where rules and order are breaking down as once civilized human beings demand more and better for no reason other than their own indulgence. Wherever you see a proud American cutting in line or groping a flight attendant or walking onto a plane with an entire seafood boil,

even though the flight was delayed for two hours and why wouldn't they just eat that thing before boarding, know that the spirit of Donald J. Trump International Airport lives on. Donald J. Trump International Airport, what we lost in social cohesion, we gain in viral TikToks of strangers fist fighting in their airplane pajamas. And we're back.

Before we get to the grudge wheel, or whatever we called it, Love and Relief is going on tour. We're going to the Moon Tower Comedy Festival in Austin, Texas on April 21st, and we're going to DC on April 25th. There's like no tickets left for that. So fucking deal with it. If you're in Austin, take a night off from doing Ketamine with Elon Musk and come say hi. We have exciting guests. In Austin, we'll be joined by Tim Miller, Zach Zucker, the Sklar brothers, and Joelle Nicole. In DC, we'll be joined by Josh Gondelman, Sam Jay, Al Franken, and Mehdi Hassan. Joe Rogan was busy. Oh, we didn't ask. Or did we?

To get tickets, go to cricket.com slash events. Also, can Biden win over the Nikki Haley crowd or will Beyonce have to save our asses with the power of music yet again? It's a question that could swing the election and one that Dan Pfeiffer and guest Alyssa Cass explore in the latest episode of Polar Coaster. Listen to find out how many stress streams you should be having per night to get access to this and a bunch of other exclusive content. Go to cricket.com slash friends. Okay. Karen, Brendan are going to join us. Come on out guys.

Oh, please, you take the chair. No, no, you take the velvet. I am not letting a mother sit on a bench. Oh, my God. Wow. Immediately a sketch the second you two come out. I love it. What do Beyonce and my great-grandmother Ruthie have in common? They never forget. In honor of... My great-grandmother...

Truly, it's like she was an immigrant from the old country, never got a formal education, an incredibly smart person at a time in which all she was told that she could ever do was just be home with the kids, radiated with unmet potential that she put 100% into remembering grudges. Ah. And a cookie recipe. That was fine. Yeah.

May your memory be a blessing. In honor of Beyonce's Country Music Awards grudge, which helped inspire her new album, Cowboy Carter, we're closing out the show by sharing a grudge that could inspire each of our next albums. That's not a great pick of me. I think spiritually. Because I think that's me.

Oh, that is you. But that's okay. Let's spin it. Am I not on there? You will be. You just were on the part of the wheel we couldn't see yet. Oh, there you are. There you are. You look cute. Katrina, what's your grudge? I had a couple, but I think my grudge is in the sixth grade, I was on the relay team.

And I was the last leg and the girl before me walked the baton to me because she thought that we were practicing.

And then I got so mad that I wouldn't go to pizza with anyone afterwards. And my parents were like, if you're going to be a sore loser, then you can't run track. And I was like, then I don't run track because these people are weak. And so that's my grudge. Yeah. Mad that we lost because of her. That stinks. Sorry. No, I'm with you. No, no, no. I'm saying that's as deep as I could get. I don't, I try not to hold on. But yeah,

i'm still like i had to like deliberately i'm trying not just like fully dox her right now like i can still remember how to spell her name i was so annoyed do it do it they'll be like tracks like pick up the pace like what you know because i can still see her gangly little body walking me and i was like come on and she was like why are you mad i was just like oh my god so wait she didn't know it was an actual race she thought it was like a practice run it's like everyone's

Everyone's here. Like, why would what? It was very upsetting. I think it's a coaching issue. You're right. It was the thing. It was basically just our PE coach taking us on a weekend. It wasn't clearly communicated. You're probably right. Yeah, there are a lot of conflicts that you remember from childhood that had no adults. They were all kid protagonists and antagonists.

Right? Like it's 100% a kid-focused story. And then in adulthood, you're like, wait a second. I hated some of these players, but I really should have hated the game. Where were the adults? You know, like you think about the kid. I think about the kid that bullied me on the bus in like kindergarten and first grade. And it's like, what?

There's no they weren't. They were a villain for sure. And I'm sure their life led to fucking nothing. But but they were we were just kids. There should have been an adult. Someone definitely saw me crying all the time and was like, man, they'll be fine. Yeah. Walk it off. Yeah. Remember when people used to walk things off? They didn't. You can't. Let's spin it again.

Yay. Oh. Dwayne, you're up. Yes. When I was my freshman year of college, I went to DePaul University's acting conservatory. Did a year and then they cut me. Yeah. But, you know, at the time, I...

It was a big cultural shift. I had not taken acting classes prior to that. I just did it after school. So when I got in, I was just like, "Oh, cool." I made this plan that I was gonna only go to acting school if I got in and I only auditioned for one school. So I was like, "Okay, cool." I got in. And then when I got there on the first day, we walked into class and they were like, "Take your shoes off." And I was like, "For what?"

And the teacher hated me. And then every other time after that, it was very much just me just be like, no, I'm really asking questions because I don't know what's going on. And they were like, you are so difficult. And I was like, no, I can't be vulnerable because I don't feel safe. Because why am I the only black person in this freshman class? And then they cut me and I said, okay, I will vow to be successful.

And then they asked me to come do a speech not too long ago. And I said, "Absolutely the fuck not."

So that was good. Also, there's this very fun little pattern. They, the cut went away very soon after because they were like, this is bad. We're harming children. But there was a, they just really didn't know what to do with like queer black men. And there's a pattern that I'm obsessed with. So in the years before me, Terrell McCraney, he went there and he got cut and then he, you know, wrote Moonlight. And then Jeremy O'Hara's was the next year that he got cut. And then I was the year after that. And then,

All three of us literally are like, "Oh." And so, and yeah, now we're all the most successful people ever classes. Oh my God, they love it. And I actually had a conversation about this with somebody very recently about how that puts a chip on your shoulder being like, "Oh, how dare you?" Especially when you know you have the thing, but it's just systemically not made for you. It puts such a fire in me. And so that's what my album would be about.

Look at me now album. Yeah. I also feel like, why not go back and give that speech? You know? Because it's going to be like, fuck you, bitch ass mother. But I think that's cool. I think that's cool. And then suddenly I'm Taze and I'm TMZ. If the issue they had was that you're difficult, that's like a sign of stardom. Like if you're difficult, like if I see somebody difficult, I'm set. I'm like,

That's the star. But also difficult when you won't take off your shoes. It's like if you put someone in a Montessori school and they didn't know what was happening and they were just like, you're difficult. It's like, this is strange. They were just like, none of the black men will take off their shoes. We can't work with that. That is so wild. They really hate it being questioned. And at the end of the year, I went in with one of my teachers for the little roundup, like, how we're doing this.

this year and she literally said to my family, "Oh, now you wanna come talk to me?" And I told her like, "You have to understand, before I came to this school, teachers,

Like we're on the same level as cops. Like authority. Like that was not the relationship where I'm supposed to tell all my feelings to this old white lady. Ma'am, I don't know you. At all. And she hated my guts. And that's when I really recognized like, oh, this is systemic oppression. I just saw like where I started and where everybody else was and was like, oh, no, this is not going to work. And it didn't. It didn't. It didn't.

But for the right reasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. It was great. That's why I started writing. That really is what kind of jump started. Everything. So it was meant to happen. Also, it was boring. They kept making me play old, angry black men. Just like angry fathers made me like, I'm so young, gay, and funny. Can I do something fun? And they said, no, yell at that child. All I know about acting classes is what I've seen in the first season of Barry. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And that seems like what it is. That is the energy that it gave. And that's why I was like this. What the fuck is this? Then I got cut. Oh, my God. When I was like 11, I was on the baseball team and I had made the baseball team. I was like, I made it. I made it. It was like it was incredible that I made it. I was so tiny and not very good. But I like by the skid of my teeth crawled my way onto the baseball team.

And then we had to go for an away gizm. Billy Crystal is coming. And then I'm sorry. So then, so then we went to a game. I didn't even get to play. Like I just was on the bus, but I didn't get to play. Cause I was truly like clearly like the worst person on the team, but I'd made the team. I was there. If a better person, a taller, a taller, probably still Jewish boy, but like not that Jewish, like good enough to play. And like,

And I was there just in case of an injury. And then, but I didn't, you know, no one ever says you're the worst person on the team until one day they gathered the whole team for an away game. And then I saw the coaches whispering to each other. And then the coaches turned to the team and said, the bus is one seat shorter this time. And legally we have to bring the number of coaches. And so we have to leave one of you behind. Oh, wow.

John Lovett, we're really sorry, but you're not on the away team anymore. You're now on just the home team, which is just anyone comes to the game is on the home team. And I just was like, I'm going to keep my dignity and hold my head. No, I just broke down just full fucking unconsolable waterworks in front of the whole baseball. I'm in my fucking stirrups. I'm in my uniform. That's

Isn't that insane? Of course I did. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Yes, stirrups. Yeah, they're little space ball things. They're stirrups. I think you were going to ride a horse. All right. One child left behind. And it was me. John Lovett. Anyway, it wasn't racism though. Oh, no. So it's different. They just hated you. They just hated me. For me. For me. For the content of my character. Isn't that what it's all about? Yeah. In a sense. All right. Let's spin it again.

Yeah. It has landed on me. Cara Clank. Yes. Okay. I don't have, um, I've been cut from sports teams and left behind and bullied before, but I didn't really come up with anything like that. You guys have told such heartfelt stories, but I was just going to talk about my grudge against Disney as a place land, uh,

I'm going there the day after tomorrow. My daughter just turned five and asked me to take her there. And so I was like, sure, rather than spend all that money on a birthday party, which is going to be just me wanting to die for like three days of preparation, I'll just take you to Disney for, you know, with a friend, with two little friends and it'll be fine.

The amount of money this cost me is like so out of control. And then everybody telling me how I have to fucking do it made me want to literally just like murder Mickey Mouse publicly. Like I said on my podcast, I was like, if anyone has Disney tips and then suddenly my DMs are just filled with like, you got to get there at...

7.50, 10 minutes before they open. No, get there at 9.33. That's the golden time to get to Disney. Okay, bring your stroller. Absolutely don't bring your stroller. Like, it was like the number, the psychotic tips I was getting made me hate it and I haven't even gone yet. So, fuck you, Disney. And for making me buy that genie pass. I had to buy a fast pass for a bunch of kids to go on the goddamn teacups.

I'm sorry. I knew this was going to happen. I was like, I bet they all have annual passes. They all have a little Disney sticker on their cars. I just it's such a wild. It's a wild place. And I feel like they have us by the balls because our kids know about it. They put the little castle at the beginning of every movie and then they want to go there. And now I have to go and I'm going in.

48 hours and you're gonna have a great time and you're gonna make you're gonna make lots of memories people do have a way of ruining disney with their they just yeah everyone's like here's exactly what you should do and then i i don't know it's just because like we went there for grad night do you have grad night here in florida we went to grad night there and my girl group had a friend who loved disney so we're there at midnight and she's there with a book like you guys this is how we get to everywhere and it's like there's

people blowing each other in a foam pool? Like, this isn't the night for you to do Disney in a day. Like, what is going on? Let's spin it again. John, it's your turn. No, no, take it away. I think that's your face. Yeah, okay, shut up. Okay, I have a bone to pick. I do have a grudge against the rain that fell on my hair as I was walking into this very...

Frickin' theater. When I moved to LA ten years ago, uninvited, and when nobody asked me to come, I had one guarantee. California Dreamin'.

Endless summer and mega drought. And now we're living in this reality in Los Angeles where from January to March, it rains every freaking weekend. And some cities are really pretty during the rain. Paris, New York, Omaha, New York.

I've never been. Famously. And I'll never go. This city is so depressing when it rains. The influencers are wet. The actors are not booking. The writers are wishing that they could write Chocolat, but they're not. They're writing stupid TV shows, and I won't name which ones, but you're thinking of the same one I am, where you're like, that's the premise they're making? That's the thing? I'm just like...

What the frick? Why is it raining all the time? What the frick? I got a bone to pick. Yeah, it is. Hey, you know what? It's not just that it's raining. It's raining every weekend. Every weekend. It didn't rain this week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. It's Thursday night. Right now, it starts to drizzle. This is unbelievable. Listen, there's a perk about being in L.A. It doesn't rain. We sure are going to run out of water, but that's what Phoenix is for, taking it from them because they're not real.

There's only two real places, New York and L.A. The water from all those other places can come here. And Miami during Basel. It's going to be sunny on Saturday at Disney. Oh, yeah. By the way. High of 64.

I've been checking the weather all week. Because if it rains, that grudge is going to get worse. You know what I'm saying? It's very close to Portillo's. If you want an Italian beef from Chicago, you should stop by. I was at a wedding once where the Portillo's was a late night thing. I always stop by when I go.

I'm a vegetarian, so Portillo's might be tough for me, but thank you for the rec. French fries. They have wavy fries. And a cake shake where they put a piece of cake in a shake. Okay, now we're talking. And then they blend it up. It's fantastic. That sounds great. I didn't know Portillo's had that. Yeah. Yeah. My goodness. That's fantastic. And you can get drunk at Disney.

I'm going to be with three five-year-olds. Yeah, that's my point. All right. Every year I get invited to Disney with like 11 gay men. And I'm like, so you're all just there, drunk, doing ketamine and traipsing through the Magic Kingdom surrounded by kids. How is that pleasurable? Yeah. Because you no longer see the kids because you're somewhere else. Not that I've tried. Don't nugget that you tried. No.

Wait, five years old? With a little ketamine every day is Thanksgiving, if you know what I mean. Yeah.

Hello? What is that size? Like, what is a five-year-old? Like, can they get on things? What is a five-year-old? She's like up to here. She's like this. She can ride most of the... Apparently, her height, you can ride most of the rides. Okay. When I was a kid, I loved the rides, but I was too small because I was small for my age. It affected my baseball story. And so my dad would... We would just like try to like thicken up my shoes and we would go and get like... It was... By the way, like...

Now, honestly, I'm realizing something for the very, very first time, which is this could have been a plan executed with some kind of like

I don't know, like precision or like purchases before we got to the park. But I vividly remember that we would go up to the ride, see that I wasn't tall enough, go find a food stand, take as many napkins we could out of the fucking thing, fold the napkins up and put them in my shoes so that I would make the height requirement. That's what they call a Disney lift. Yeah.

Yeah, which is terrifying because if you are too small, you could die. I think my dad like snuck me in on a couple, but then like I'd have like the ride imprinted on either side of my face and my mom was like, you shouldn't have been in there. But I didn't even do this at Disney. I think I did this at like Busch Gardens and was going on like big roller coasters, which is like rattling.

rattling around because I was so small. It was over your shoulders but your shoulders are down here and you're just like this is loose. There's like a physics reason why you shouldn't be on the ride. I'm gonna bruise. Uh-huh.

They're in my mom group. The ladies are always giving each other tips on how to sneak kids in when they're actually four because three is the cutoff for free. So like you put them in a stroller, you cover their legs with a blanket. They're actually not allowed to ask the kid how old they are. Don't try to teach your kid to lie. They don't know how to do it. Like it's like a whole thing. It's like a funny conspiracy. Mine's too big, but it's...

She's too big and she's too mouthy. She'll be like, I'm here because I'm five. You say goo goo gaga. Yeah. And you shut up. Or like pretend to sleep. Sounds like John and I could get in. What's the girl that just got out of jail? Oh, Gypsy? They're like the Gypsy Rose of discounts. You're like, it's make a wish. Don't ask her how old she is. She doesn't know. Yeah. That was my mother's technique when we would go to buffets with my family. Oh, yeah. She'd be like, you are...

And I'd be like 12 and be like, man. Oh, the classic move for us was you go to a restaurant, one person gets a buffet, everybody orders a small thing. And then, and then, and then it's like, just get me a little something while you're out there. Just give me a little mashed potatoes. Hey, just give me a little, just give me a little crab leg. I can't grab you a crab leg. That feels like it's crossing a line. All right. We have to leave it there. And that's the grudge wheel. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. Woo!

Now here it is, the high note. - Hi, love it. My name is Katherine and my high note for the week is that my husband recently took a new job, which has benefited us in so many ways. First of all, it's a huge step closer to his dream job, which he definitely deserves. Second, even though he's living a few hours away for more than half the week, we've been having some of the best phone conversations we've had in a long time. And finally, my personal guilty pleasure.

His absence means that I can listen to Crooked podcasts at full volume all week long. As a Republican, he never really got comfortable with hearing you and the Crooked team railing on his party, but now I get to share your words of truth with my kids and without his scoffing in the background. Hi, Lovett. This is Rachel in Syracuse, New York. My high note is that a crossword puzzle fundraiser that I organize every year to raise money for abortion funds just fits fundraising goal, raising over $30,000 for five abortion funds around the country.

We're so excited to see this kind of support and energy for helping people access abortion care two whole years after the Dobbs decision, and we're going to keep fundraising. So if any of your listeners love abortion, FFs and crossword puzzles, they can check out www.abortionpuzzles.com to donate and solve some badass reproductive justice themed crosswords. Thanks.

If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, you can send it to lowlyhighnotes at gmail.com. That's L-O-L-I highnotes at gmail.com. Or if you're a friend of the pod, you can drop them in the Discord and we'll get them there. That's our show. Thank you so much to Cara Clink, Brendan Scannell, Katrina Davis, and Dwayne Perkins. There are 212 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night and have a great weekend.

If you're already doom scrolling, don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on Instagram and Twitter. You can also find Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to your favorite segments and other exclusive content. And if you're as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review. Finally, you can join our Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and a great discussion on Discord. Plus, it's a great way to get involved with Vote Save America. So sign up today at crooked.com slash friends.

Thank you.

Our theme song is written and performed by SureSure. Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, Zuri Ervin, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing video each week so you can.

Do you love true crime minus all the gore? Then listen to Scam Goddess, a Team Coco podcast hosted by Lacey Mosley, friend of the show. The show is an ode to fraud and all those who practice it. Each week, Lacey talks with very special guests about the scammiest scammers of all time. From fake heiresses to career con men, Lacey's exposing them all. She's also joined by guests like Nicole Byer, Iron Madison III, Conan O'Brien, and me. And you. And me. Wow. So what are you waiting for? Join the congregation and listen to Scam Goddess wherever you get your podcasts.

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