Texas Hold Me (Live from Austin!)
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Toyota, let's go places. Hello, Austin. It is lovely to see you all. Scott, I'm sorry you had to see that with the stool, but if it's in my rider, if there's a stool on the stage, I freak out. Welcome to Love It or Leave It live from the Paramount Theater here in Austin, Texas.

I've been here for 26 hours and as is my custom, I've only eaten two meals. So fucked up. I had some Tex-Mex and barbecue. It's uh, see, I don't want to fucking tell you. I've done this before. You know, here's, there was one of the proudest moments in my life. And I was in the room when President Obama signed Obamacare. One of the proudest moments in my life.

was when we did the show in Austin and we were ranking the briskets blind. And I realized not only could I rank them, I could identify where they were from. But that was years ago. I don't think I have the... I haven't kept up the skill. But I will say I'm realizing that basically it's as if, like, you know, there's Tex-Mex and there's barbecue, and, like, it's like one's a liquid and one's a solid. LAUGHTER

But anyway, I'm not going to eat again until May. This week on the show, the Sklar brothers put their identical dukes up. Comedian and former substitute teacher, Joelle Nicole Johnson, goes for the gold star. Zach Zucker is back, and you won't believe who he's willing to have sex with. And Tim Miller is big simpin'. Plus, we'll end with a Texas rite of passage, ranting incoherently. Lastly, we're doing our High Notes Live tonight, so think of something great to share with us. But first, let's get into it. What a week.

On Monday, the trial of Donald J. Trump in the case of shh will begin in earnest. But the prospect of that trial hasn't exactly riveted our worst boy. The New York Times' Maggie Haberman said Donald Trump dozed off in court again on Friday, writing, What do you think he's going to do? Save the good coke for court? Grow up. Meanwhile, I want you to know something.

I don't think sharing what I'm about to share is journalistically sound, but okay. We deserve it. Let's roll this clip. And I'm hearing from credible sources who know what's going on in the courtroom. What I'm hearing is, is that, um,

Take it for what it's worth, but that Donald Trump is actually farting in the courtroom and that it's very stinky. It's a putrid odor. And I'm hearing it from actual credible people that as he's kind of falling asleep, he is actually passing gas and that his lawyers are really struggling with the smell. Yeah. Thank you to Midas Touch for that bit of too good to check.

I know we're all exhausted and jaded, but imagine if someone told you four years ago that Trump wouldn't be able to stop sleep farting in a courtroom where he's on trial and his own lawyers were choking on his horrible farts. We'd be over the moon. The case was set to begin after 12 jurors and six alternates were officially impaneled by Friday afternoon. And for anyone worried that Trump won't be tried by a jury of his peers, rest assured, all 12 jurors are also farting constantly. LAUGHTER

In an unusual twist, there are at least two lawyers among the chosen jurors. "It's true, I'm still technically a lawyer," said an impaneled Rudy Giuliani as he attempted to bathe himself in a courthouse drinking fountain. One potential juror was dismissed after starting to cry, saying she didn't think she was up to serving because it was so much more stressful than I thought it was going to be. I feel for her. I've had the same reaction while parking at a Whole Foods and I didn't have Donald Trump staring at me the whole time.

Come on, Jennifer, keep it together, keep it together. Walks in there, full anxiety attack. With court adjourned until Monday, Trump clocked back in at the posting factory, writing on Truth Social, Judge Mershon is railroading me at breakneck speed. That's a little horny. In order to completely satisfy his friends. Hornier. Additionally, he has gagged me. Horniest.

So that I cannot talk about the most important of topics, including his totally disqualifying conflict of interest and taking away my constitutional right of free speech. If this is Trump gagged, what does he sound like normally, said one of those jurors who had never heard of him before. Judge Juan Merchan's hearing on Trump's ongoing stream of consciousness multimedia violations of the gag order will take place on Tuesday. Also gagging, Trump's lawyers as he keeps ripping ass.

Speaking of being trapped in a room filling up with MAGA farts, the months-long battle over funding for Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan came to a head this weekend as the House moved ahead with several votes to the increasing rage of the kind of Republicans who get kicked out of a movie theater for being drunk and carrying a gun and trying to eat a basket of unshucked oysters. Marjorie Taylor Greene submitted an amendment to the Israel funding bill requesting money for space lasers to protect the border from migrants.

Said Green's Republican colleague, sorry about this. We thought we had her down for the day, but she chewed through her restraints. She's like one of those bears that they got to put a trampoline beneath the tree to catch because they got hit with the dart, but it takes forever to affect her. She's running on adrenaline. Now, you might be wondering, why would Marjorie Taylor Greene bring up space lasers again?

That was the whole embarrassing controversy when she mentioned space lasers last time. But clearly she is fed up of moments like this. Can you tell me why so many people that support Donald Trump love conspiracy theories, including yourself? He seems to attract lots of conspiracy theorists. Well, let me tell you, you're a conspiracy theorist and the left and the media spreads more conspiracy theories. We like the truth. We like supporting our constitution, our freedoms.

in America first. What about Jewish space lasers? Tell us about Jewish space lasers. No, why don't you go talk about Jewish space lasers and really, why don't you f*** off? Thanks, thank you very much. Thank you. First of all, I love that clip because...

You see her, she says, why don't you, and she's thinking about it. This is a woman who's, you know, she's got a hair trigger on, fuck off. Says it all the time, says it in traffic, says it at the DMV. She's telling people to fuck off. But then she's like, no, I'm going for it. Why don't you fuck off? And,

So she's taken back the narrative on space lasers. Because she posted, I've previously voted to fund space lasers for Israel's defense. America needs to take our national security seriously and deserves the same type of defense for our border.

Green is likely referring to funding for Israel's Iron Beam Defense System, which is a laser system designed to knock rockets and mortars out of Israeli airspace. And I know that this is why she's doing it. And I know, like the evil planet in the fifth element, content attacking MTG only makes her more powerful. But there are actually Jewish space lasers? Like, we'll get into all of it. But like, when we were making fun of her, we didn't know that there were Jewish space lasers. Right.

Like, that literally never was mentioned. And all the times we were all making fun of her for saying there are Jewish space lasers. And it turns out there are lasers that Israel shoots into space. I don't love it. Now, just to be clear, the lasers are actually, they're not in space.

But more importantly, this was not what Marjorie Taylor Greene was referring to when she first tried to sound the alarm about the Jewish space lasers. This is important because the original conspiracy theory, she wrote it all up. It was about a cabal including international Jewish bankers in cahoots with Jerry Brown and P.E. and G. and trains that were, for pretty confusing reasons, using secret space lasers to...

To start wildfires in California. That was what she was originally referring to. Here is the original post from Marjorie Taylor Greene. Just so people at home understand, this is real. For those at home, it is a wall of nonsense from Facebook. And look, we all know how nuts this is on the merits. But also, look at that chunky-ass paragraph.

Nobody on a normal one posts paragraphs like that. That is not what a legislator's post looks like. That is the paragraph shape of a bride who just found out her fiance slept with her brother or me after I get home and realize they forgot the sweet and sour sauce for the McNuggets, which destroys the experience. I don't want to check the bag at the window and you don't want me to check the bag at the window. That takes fucking trust.

I hate checking the bag at the window. I feel like an asshole. Like I don't believe they know how to do their jobs. And I do believe they know how to do their job. But then I get home. No fucking sauce. Then I'm going to the fridge and saying, what can we do? What can we make happen here? Anyway, the space laser proposal was separate from the amendment MTG submitted conscripting Congress people who vote for the Ukraineville into the Ukrainian army.

The Ukrainians could be so lucky. The Russian army has no defense against Nancy Pelosi rapping Hamilton lyrics. It's the one true cause of Havana syndrome.

Then Saturday, six months after President Biden began his push to get this passed, the House voted through a foreign aid package for Israel, Ukraine and Taiwan. The aid package will now head to the Senate and likely on to the president's desk. This led the hardliners to call for Mike Johnson's removal. One of the freaks, Tom Massey, said the pressure is already building. It's going to be inevitable, especially now that he's chosen his path with the Democrats. Like once you go there, it's hard to go back.

Which of course brings up that old famous phrase, "Once you go Democrat, you don't go back. Or forward. Or really anywhere. You just kind of stay where you are and call it a win." Said Lauren Boebert, "I'm so furious. This whole bill package is an absolute sham and disgusting. I blame Speaker Mike Johnson for that bill even being on the floor. I couldn't vote against it fast enough, even though my voting hand is so, so exhausted from seeing Music Man last night." But the flying monkeys raise a good question.

How was Mike Johnson convinced to work with Democrats on the bill? According to the New York Times, the socially conservative backbencher who once opposed Ukraine funding, now thrust into a position of authority, was persuaded by intelligence briefings and felt, get this, a responsibility to do what was right. Have you heard of this? Mike, for this rare example of political growth and integrity, I've spoken with the trans people. And just for you, they're all going to hold it in on your birthday. It's a gesture.

Back in February, Chuck Schumer said that a meeting in the Oval Office with Biden and congressional leaders, including Johnson, was one of the most intense meetings he's ever attended. At several points, it almost felt wrong to go up and sneak a second Danish. But I waited until the conversation had shifted to the other side of the room to do a quick grab, Schumer added. Johnson even encouraged fellow House Republicans to attend the White House's briefings to see for themselves. Like when your friend saw everything everywhere all at once and wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

You got to see this briefing. You got to see this briefing. I don't even want to tell you about it. I want you to go in fresh. In the end, Johnson, an evangelical Christian, prayed for guidance, telling Representative Michael McCaul, I want to be on the right side of history. I'll try anything once, the speaker continued. One time, the wife and I kissed with our mouths open, prayed for two hours after, but still, it was a pretty wild night.

Also, as part of the foreign age package, the House passed a bill that would force TikTok's Chinese-owned parent company, ByteDance, to sell the app to an American company. If not, TikTok will be banned in the U.S. God, this drawn-out process is killing me. Could they just wrap this up in like a minute and a half? Maybe while it plays side-by-side with someone bedazzling a sweater or laying grout for some reason?

The ban would also prevent the personal information of American users from being sold to China, Russia, Iran, or North Korea, which seems reasonable because if I want to tell everyone in the world my personal information, I'll do it the way I feel most comfortable, on stage while pretending my mother doesn't listen. But personally, if North Korea wants to know how much I enjoy watching videos of a Texas woman scooping handfuls of bees out of crawl spaces with her bare hands, I say let them know it. Maybe it'll bring us together.

The legislation says that ByteDance has roughly nine months to sell. Plus, it gives President Biden the ability to extend the deal by 90 days if it looks like a sale is imminent. Mark Cuban says he won't go a penny higher. Then the ByteDance executive says, hold on a second, I got to go check with my manager. Then he goes into the Oval Office and he says to Biden, look like you're giving me a hard time, like you can't believe how low I went. This fucking roof, we got him, Joe. We got him where we want him.

Anyway, speaking of vectors for conspiracy theories, over a dozen members of the Kennedy clan appeared in Philadelphia with President Biden late last week to endorse him over anti-vax darling RFK Jr. Here's a quick list of who is in attendance. Among those... Yeah, sure. So stupid.

Among those throwing their weight behind the current president are RFK Jr.'s siblings, Joseph, Kerry, Rory, Kathleen, Maxwell, and Christopher. With that many Kennedys in one place at one time, the orb of power, which some claim is just a myth, was glowing so brightly in its current resting place, the crater of a volcano on Molokai, you could actually see it from the Four Seasons Lanai. Just a fact about the orb of power.

RFK Jr. wrote on X, I hear some of my family will be endorsing President Biden today. I am pleased that they are politically active. It's a family tradition. We are divided in our opinions, but united in our love for each other. I too am pleased to hear that members of my staff had lunch here in Austin. I hear it's a tradition. They may not have invited me, but they are all united in loving me so much.

RFK Jr. sees his closest relatives calling an emergency press conference because he's a baffling weirdo on an ego trip so dangerous and divorced from reality it could fuck up our entire democracy. And he treats it like he and his siblings chose different charities for the annual Thanksgiving turkey trot. Speaking of emotional riffs playing out in the media, Taylor Swift... Swift. Taylor Swift. I've never heard it said. I've just read it.

Taylor Swift released the much-anticipated Tortured Poets Department, and then at 2 a.m. revealed that it's a surprise double album. The album is Swift's first release since her breakup with longtime love Joe Alwyn and Fling with 1975 singer Matt Healy. And here we have footage of Alwyn and Healy being transported in a motorcade following the release. You guys remember Clear and Present Danger? That scene fucking crushes. That scene rules. Clear and Present Danger is awesome.

Think about Clear and Present Danger, and we should talk about it. It's important. Clear and Present Danger, it's a great movie, but it also is just from a time, a simpler time in politics, because the whole premise of that movie is that once the public finds out that the president funded this illicit war in South America, well, that'll be it for his presidency. But now today, he'd just be like, fuck yeah, I did it, eat shit.

It ends in a congressional hearing where Harrison Ford's like, I'm going to tell the truth. And they're like, thank God he's going to tell the truth. That'll do it. It's very similar to how at the end of American President, he goes into the press briefing room and his approval rating is in the toilet. He hasn't passed anything. And he's like, I am the president. And then the music swells and he's back in love and the movie's over and everybody wins. But then the news would just say, president says he's president. I don't think it helps him.

After blowing it during her first Coachella performance, Grimespoke funded herself on X, saying of her second weekend set, I will cap the disarray at a maximum 10 seconds per song. She then played what sounded like two hours of a toaster being thrown into a bathtub. Still better than Tortured Poets Society. Fuck. I fucked it up. I fucked it up. I fucked it up. I'm kidding. I haven't listened to the new T-Swift album. Well, I listened to one song, so maybe I have.

People fucking take this thing in like it's the codex to the hidden meaning. It's unbelievable. I saw people rearranging letters to make other names. It's like, guys, no. I think a lot of problems in this society would be solved if there were still bowling leagues. Is that crazy? Like, I just think there's a lot of people that need a place to go every Wednesday. At night, you just go to this one place.

Speaking of performances that ran out of steam, a man who posed as a priest under a fake name, Father Martin, in order to steal cash from multiple Catholic churches from Queens to Texas to Oregon, has been arrested in California. Priests first started to suspect Father Martin was an imposter when he kept saying how much he loved Jesus Christ and being the mayor of New York City after 9-11.

And finally, Elon Musk is looking around Twitter's storage room for something worth $40 billion, and he might just have an idea, the video app Vine, which Twitter discontinued, but many think might have been before its time. The tech billionaire posted a poll that asked, bring back Vine? Yes or no? Of course, it's also possible Musk was simply workshopping his newest character, Considerate Tarzan. Bring back Vine? Yes or no? What a Considerate Tarzan might say.

Now you fucking get it. You see what I'm saying? When we come back, the Sklar brothers are here.

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Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it.

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Toyota, let's go places. And we're back. Oh my gosh, I'm seeing double. It's four Sklar brothers. Please welcome to the stage the twosome twosome, the dapper duo, the doubles that have you doubled over. It's the Sklar brothers. Hi, hi, hi. Good to see you. Thank you. Bring it in, bring it in. So good to see you. Thank you. Get in here. White shirt, white sweater, white couch. White couch, perfect. I love it. That's great. Just two floating Jewish heads. I love it. This is good.

Go blue, sir. Thank you. How are you? I'm doing okay. How are you boys doing? It's good to be in Austin, man. We've been coming since, thank you, since 1999. 1999? And we can honestly say this city has not changed one day. Same city, same. You know, if I could make a suggestion, you guys, downtown need a little more glass. Couple tall buildings. Couple of cranes. If you can make it impossible for artists to live within 40 miles of the city itself, please, please, please do that.

In 1999, you could have seen Die Another Day here. That's right. We could have seen it. We could have been in Slacker. That's how it's... Yeah. We want to be the guys who are like, Austin's better. Yeah, because everybody in Austin is like, eh, man. Austin 15. You know the Austin 15, right? What's the Austin 15? It takes 15 seconds for somebody who's lived in Austin for more than 30 years to tell you how good it used to be. That's right. That's what it is. So...

There are so many places where someone says, oh, you missed the heyday. You don't know. Where are the heyday places? And do they know at the time? Or is it the kind of thing you only know a place has had its heyday until it's over, which is a sad thing to think about. That's right. And isn't that also true of life itself? Yes. That you don't know when you're in your heyday. Right. Nobody is present at all. Because you don't know, right, because you don't know if when you start to go down, if it's just a local minima and you're going to head back up, or if you've begun the grand descent. Are we the descent? Are you're...

Because people have bad days and then a bad day is followed by a slightly worse day and that just continues and that was it. That was the fucking heyday. That was the apex. Because everybody thinks it's going to go back up and often it does but sometimes it simply doesn't. It doesn't.

You're just on a long road to farting in court. That's where you're heading. That's where we're all heading. And you don't know that, which I love that you said sweepthing, which Donald Trump had been sweepthing a lot in court as well. What is that? Comes out of a different source. Yeah. Court dusting. Yes. Ha ha ha!

Thank you. Thank you. The stenographer is like, I don't know how to put that in. What are those letters? Oh, no. I think somebody spoiled their amicus briefs. Oh, come on. I'm just writing Pete. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

By the way, keep Austin weird is definitely feels like the last thing people say in relationships to keep a marriage alive. You know what I mean? Let's keep it weird for the kids. Let's just keep it weird. When they go to college, we'll become San Antonio again. That's all that. Now...

What we wanted to do with Jason and Randy is basically, you know, you're in sync, the two of you. Look at you. It's magical. Thank you. It's magical. But what if it wasn't? What if everything started to come to pieces? It happens from time to time. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah. Now, I wanted to ask you about a sensitive subject. Sure. When you appeared with your mother, Annette, on a very special Mother's Day episode of At Midnight, your mom was asked which of you was her favorite son. Mm-hmm.

I'd like to... And it was an emotional time for all of us. Let's roll the clip. Before we get started, Annette, I'm sorry, we actually double booked. There's actually only room at the podium for one of your identical twin sons. So this is going to be really hard. Which son do you love more? Randy. Thank you. What?

Do you want to think about it or take a minute? Randy. Okay, Randy. And then just Jason sent away. Good timing. Just a little pat on the back. There he goes.

I call her more. Well, that takes responsibility off my shoulders. You know what I mean? When she starts really going downhill, she's living with him. No sandwich generation for you. You're open-faced. I'm open-faced. Meanwhile, I'm a panini. I'm very pressed. Now, Randy and Jason, you have been matched for basically your whole life, which is why it's time to finally drive a wedge. It's time...

For brother to turn against brother in a segment we're calling Sklarn for Life. Yes. We have solicited actual pet peeves from each of you individually. And I'm going to do everything I can to genuinely drive you apart. Oh, God. Jason. Yes. Speaking of Annette, Randy immediately outed you to us for not calling your mother nearly enough. Do you think this failure is what prompted her to shout out Randy on At Midnight? Or has your mother always been closer to your brother?

Well, so I don't call her as much because I want to keep it special. You know what I mean? And that's what I tell myself. Yeah, like an eclipse. Yeah, you know. Like, you know how that's special? Sure. No, I call her more than that. But yes, yes, I don't call her as much as Randy does. But I call her when there's something important to say. Like, I don't know if that's... I just say I love you from time to time. Would you say compared to Randy, you and your mother are estranged? Uh...

I mean, someday we'll get them back together, is what you're saying. No, it's not like I went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back on my mom. Although, we were thinking about that. Is Find My iPhone going to end that? Like, Dad went out for a pack of cigarettes and he's not coming back? Because you're just like, oh, he's on Mopac. Oh, gee, thanks. Ted Knopf. But if your dad gets a Samsung Galaxy, he gone. Out of nowhere. He gone. He's out. He's gone. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, if your dad's not home as much, getting kind of fit like he's got, like he's, you know, throw an air tag in that fucking thing. That's right. Get an air tag on that bad boy. That's right. Hey, get an air tag on that bad dad. Can't be too careful. Your little thing pops up. Yeah. You and your bad dad are no longer in the same location. That's right. Have you misplaced your bad dad?

Randy. Yes. Jason told us you keep a Christmas tree in your home during the holiday season as a Jew. How do you think that makes him feel? Not good. I really don't think that makes... I just think that's funny. I don't know why. Well, you called me the first year, right? Mm-hmm. That he wanted the tree. I didn't know where to put it in the house. He was like, where... Because we never had a tree in our house ever. You put it on the floor. He said, where should I put the tree?

You said on the floor? Yeah. Solid. Good starting spot. I said, put it under the photo of our grandparents who hid during the Holocaust. Okay. All right. All right. Come on. Do what the Nazis couldn't do. Slowly phase out Judaism. All right. All right. He said his wife, your wife, like, I was like, oh, so you were just following orders? Okay. All right. So...

So I do want to pitch like a Nazi HGTV show. Like a renovation? Like a renovation show called Like It or Rike It. It's kind of like, I don't know, the final restoration. Yeah. The pun part of my brain just exploded. Sorry. Now. Sorry. Jason.

Randy says you never wash your dishes when he graciously makes you lunch. He never does. I make him... My wife cooks. She's an amazing cook. And then there's always leftovers. He comes over to the house. We work. I graciously give him restaurant-quality food for him. I heat it up for him. I put it down on a placemat with a napkin. He eats it, puts it in the sink, does not wash it. Is that... Am I wrong to think that he hates me? Okay, it's...

In the sink, but he, Randy, for some reason, I don't know if this is like a money thing, he won't use his dishwasher that much. And it's like you have a dishwasher. Because I think the government is trying to control us through our dishwashers, all right? This is RFK Jr.'s platform, all right?

So I'm like, in my life, it's like you put it in the sink and that's like the halfway point. And then later it goes into the dishwasher. It goes in. Someone else...

Yeah, we all know the move of rinse-ish and put in the bottom of the sink and say, and then we'll process it later when it's time for processing. Okay, so I'm the bad guy. Yeah, it goes into plates receivable, and then it has to be moved into plates processing. You're doing the equivalent of when a company says they've shipped you your product, but they've really just printed the

fucking label. That's it. That's all I did. It's sitting right in front of them. It's in the warehouse. Well, the good news is with all the extra time that Jay has from not doing dishes, he could be calling our mom. That's all I'm saying. Now, Jason. Yes. Come back to me again. Randy. Yes.

I heard the disturbing claim that you actually started disliking cilantro after your wife informed you that she didn't like cilantro. Okay. This is true. This is so true. Tell me, is disliking cilantro a sexually transmitted thing? It is. Or do you think you were trying to create subconscious intimacy? Did she sex the cilantro out of you? She did.

She sexed me so hard it tastes like dishwashing detergent, which is something that he doesn't know about. All right. Or you don't know about. You don't use the dishwasher. All right, fine. It is. It was strange to me. Believe me, I would love it. I would love to love it. I would love it so much. You know how annoying it is to just go in anywhere and be like, can you please not put on the one herb that everybody loves? Oh, oh.

I know how annoying that is. I do know how annoying to have someone in your group make a whole deal about Slauncher. Can you please not put that on there? Yeah. And that's what I have to say because I hate it. And she convinced you that you hated it. She didn't convince me. You could try. So hold on a second. I watch so many cult documentaries. She did not convince me, all right? We just played volleyball all night. She started talking about the universe.

Did you eat cilantro before? I think I had it before, but then I just... I don't know. I just... You know how sometimes... You know how people are really charismatic and...

It starts as a health food store and then it's a cult in like a week. So that's what he's. When you think about it, my wife did tell me who to marry. So I think that's, that's the first step in a cult. This is like wild, wild country. This is like Sinanon. I know what they're doing. They don't use the dishwasher. It's crazy over there. Got Christmas trees up in a Jewish house. It's nuts. Nothing is real over there. Nothing. Now,

Jason, you've skirted long enough. Yeah, thank you. You're throwing a lot of shit the way of your brother here. Meanwhile, you leave all the logistical planning to Randy, don't you? All of it. How much logistical planning does Randy have to do? He does so much logistical planning and posting of things online and tagging other people for our shared account, which is why you should always share all accounts with someone who will do everything. That's what he...

I have younger kids, and I will always have younger kids, and that is my out. I'm dealing with my younger children. It's just... It tastes like, how are his children not making all of you tired? That's how...

They'll make you tired. So, like, you have to understand. And Randy, having gone through it, and his kids are older, he should understand that I'm still in the weeds. I'm like a server in a restaurant who they just sat four tables all at once in my section. And Randy is at the end of the shift just marrying ketchups. So, wiping down menus. That's right. Spritzing menus, marrying ketchups. Like, understand. Spritzing menus, marrying ketchups, putting his plate in the sink. Yep, not using the dishwasher. Not...

Not using the dishwasher. And not only do you not use the dishwasher, Randy, you also don't turn the air on. Why? He will not turn the air on. It's like... What's going on? To me, it's a game. You're keeping the cost saying you're going to be buried with it like the pharaoh? Turn the air on. Live a little. We're here for such a short time. He's like, push the window down. I'm like, are we at Burning Man? No. Yes, we are.

You don't turn the air on? I don't love the air. I mean, I'll put it on again. That sentence is I don't love being comfortable. That's what he's saying. I don't like being in a... What do you want me to run the air and the dishwasher? Who do you fucking think I am? RFK Senior? Senior? Junior? Now, I hate to bring this up, Jason. I simply hate to bring it up. I know you do. This is painting you.

You're snoring. Oh, God. It's so bad. Your brother said you had to share a room during a trip with friends a few years ago. What happened? It's so bad that, like, a loud sound machine couldn't stop it. I hate it. I hate it. And I know that if I lost, like, another 15 pounds, it might stop, but I don't think so. I think it's...

I'll do anything I can except putting a dish, like cleaning a dish in the sink to get rid of the snorting. No, I hate it. It's so awful. Believe me, I'm upset about it too. But I don't know that I will go through a sleep study. That feels like a lot of work to go through and actually... You guys are twins. You've got to be doing all the studies. They need your help. So you want to...

Do you want to hear a crazy story about a study? Okay. So when we were kids living in St. Louis, Missouri, Wash U was doing this crazy twin study to see if twins had actually telepathy. Can like send a message. Oh, this was 1984 or 83. Back then we thought that was possible. 100%.

So we went into this university-like building. We go into two, like across the hall from each other, two separate rooms. There is a tiny little device sitting on a desk that

And a bunch of cards flipped over with pictures on them. On Randy's desk, there's a... I'm looking at the pictures, trying to send a message through the airways. To me. And I don't know why you did... I massage my temples. They didn't ask him to do that. Doesn't really help. When he was doing this, the red light turned to green, and it meant for me time to start drawing what he's looking at. What I was thinking of. Nice.

Not only did Jay not draw anything remotely close, not even a shape, even in the family of what he was looking at. We were so bad. We were apparently the go-to twins on this experiment. The hottest twins in St. Louis. Right, like we were the ones that were going to prove all the information. We were so bad, they had to shut the experiment down and they lost their funding. They lost funding.

So yeah, I mean, experiment on us. That's what I'm saying. And that's what we tried to do tonight. And yet I don't believe we were able to tear you apart. I don't think you did. Damn. That's the beauty of it. You deal with everybody's, this is how we get along in politics. You deal with the problems that the other side has. You don't like some of the things they do. They don't like some of the things we do. But we all have to be in this relationship together. We all have to listen to the other guy's snore. I think I'm going to try to hang one of you.

- Okay, perfect. - Sounds good. - Randy and Jason, thank you so much. - Thank you. - Jason, thank you so much. We'll be back with a rant wheel. - Thank you so much. - Thank you. - We come back. Joelle Nicole Johnson is here. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage, the very funny Joelle Nicole Johnson. The beloved, the beloved. Hi, thank you for being here. Come on in. - Hello everybody. Hey Austin, how you doing?

Ooh, very cute. Hi, John. Hi. You talk in your stand-up about being a substitute teacher at a middle school. Yes. Which has to be at least 60% as hard as hosting a podcast. Maybe 62%.

How does that compare to, I don't know, telling jokes to these people? I'm more scared of a 13-year-old than I am of an audience full of strangers. I'll tell you that right now. They are terrifying human beings. They would roast you. Oh, they're mean. They're mean. They'll hurt your feelings. That sucks. Yeah. What would they do to hurt your feelings? They'd make fun of my outfit. You think you had on something cute, they would raise their hands to roast me. It was very rude.

It was like, I actually put this outfit together. They were like, girl, that shit don't match. And I'm like, boo, bitch, boo. And you were a sub. I was a substitute, yes. So I feel like there's kind of, I don't know, a few different schools of substitute teacher. There's the, I'm going to read my magazine. As long as none of you set each other on fire, we're going to have a clean, good day.

Then there's the teacher that just like really kind of like wants to teach what they're supposed to teach and they can and it's horrible and then they cry in their car. Yeah. Crying in your car is part of it. And then there's just the hardened sub who's like, I don't want to be here. You don't want me here, but everybody shut the fuck up. Yeah. What kind of sub were you? I was the let's watch Men in Black 2 sub. That's...

It's the perfect film for middle schoolers at the time. Half action, half comedy. Keeps their attention. And then, you know, I could be filing my nails at the desk. The substitute teacher. Mm-hmm. How long did you do that for? Oh, I did it for about three years until I got fired. And I hate to ask, what do you think went wrong? Oh, I kicked a kid in the chest. Listen...

Don't test me, okay? I'm not a mama. I don't have any sympathy for children. The kid tried to steal my purse, so I had to get him out of the room. So I grabbed my bag and kicked him in the chest. And it was crazy because I talked to one of the other teachers about it, and he was like, look, if you're going to abuse the kid, just don't have witnesses. Like, that was his advice. So parents, check up on your teachers. That's all I'm saying. Did you play favorites with the kids?

I mean, my favorites were the ones that didn't mess with me because sometimes I would try to teach. My favorite thing to do with the kids was to do a citizenship test.

And we would have a game at the board where I'd ask them questions that they asked on the citizenship chest to just see if the kids knew it. And that was like the funnest thing. They would get so engaged. They'd like run to the board and have fun. But, you know, sometimes a fight would break out and then the test is over. And it was what age? Because 13 is tough. It is. That's tough. Yeah. You know, they're in their awkward phase. They're changing. They're fucked up. They stink. All types of hormones. Yuck. Yeah.

They don't know what's going on? No, they don't. And you're like trying to guide them, but then sometimes they would like curse at me. Then I'm like, all right, fine. I won't give you any advice. Don't skip leg day. You know, those types of things. Oh, like workout advice. Oh yeah. I also was a personal trainer for the kids. I've led a life. You were a personal trainer for the kids? Yes. That was when I worked at the rich school. When I was a middle school substitute that was in a poor black neighborhood. And then I taught rich anxiety filled Jews on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, which

And when I told my Jewish friend that, he was like, those are just Jews, Joyelle. You didn't need all those extra words. You didn't have to kick any Jews in the chest? I did not, but I wanted to fight one of them. He had a crush on me. It was quick. He had a crush on me. He didn't know he had a crush on me. But I found out his family owned the product. And I don't think anyone's going to know this product. It's called Daxx.

which is one of the blackest things on the planet. And it's a hair grease that every black person has in their house. And it's the type of hair grease that never ends. Like if you buy a can 20 years later, you still have Dax. And it found out his Jewish father was the owner of Dax. So I was like, oh, he had a crush on a black woman. Like he had a black mistress. So he didn't even know why he had a crush on me. I was like, yo, daddy passed that down onto you. Yo, Dax daddy passed down a crush.

So he didn't know. So he would like make fun of me and I'm like, oh, this is adorable. As we always say here at Love It or Leave It, teachers are the real heroes. I do what I can. Joelle, in honor of you doing the second hardest job on the planet, we're going to play a game inspired by conservatives' attempt to undermine education in Texas and children's protections pretty much everywhere. That's right. We're going to play Greg Abbott Elementary. It sucks. That's my nightmare. No.

They are. Oh my goodness. They can all kiss my ass. Every last one of them. Greg Abbott's touching me. I don't like that.

It's a tough photo. It's a tough photo. First question. Last month, nine Texas House Republicans lost their primaries with Governor Greg Abbott endorsing their opponents, an act of revenge for the incumbent's failure to support a proposal near to Abbott's heart. As a former substitute teacher, you might know this proposal by a number of euphemisms, including education, savings accounts, tax credit scholarships, and school choice. What was Abbott's scholastic obsession? Was it called Brain Box School Vouchers or Free Happy Meals for Every Kid Who Completes a Shift at the Mill?

One of these is the real answer? Yeah. Brain books. It was school vouchers. It was school vouchers. Brain books is alliterative. Come on. It could have been brain vouchers. It was right there. This follows a year and a half of Abbott attempting to mobilize around the issue. How many special sessions did Greg Gabbitt call during the 2023 session just to try and strong-arm legislators into voting through school vouchers? Was it one, two, three, or four? Ugh, four. It was. It was four. Ugh.

After the fourth session last November, Abbott's plan went belly up. He didn't get vouchers, but in turn, Texas public schools didn't get the money Abbott made contingent on the passage of the vouchers. How much money did Texas public schools not receive because Greg Abbott didn't get his way? Was it $2 billion, $5.1 billion, $6.2 billion, or $7.6 billion? Oh my goodness. That was so many numbers. What was the second one?

$7.6 billion. $7.6 billion? Was it $7.6 billion? It was $7.6 billion. Oh, my goodness. That's Dr. Evil level money. $7.6 billion. Oh, he's a trash man. I'm terrible. He's such a trash man. I guess the only people who didn't vote for him are in here. Okay. Go out into the streets with this energy. That's the point. Mobilize. Mobilize. Stop these freaks.

They got a chance to get Ted Cruz out of there. Yeah. Listen, I have a little crush on Beto, okay? I don't understand. Beto was giving early Kennedy energy, and I don't understand how Ted Cruz beat him. That's just, like, people are just jealous. God, that sucked. Yeah. Oh, man, wasn't he cute? How about cute? This... Oh. Yo. Look, everybody wanted to fuck Beto. It's fine.

But wanting to fuck someone doesn't get them elected. Because if needing to be fuckable made you senator or any kind of elected office, none of these people, you know? No. Look, we all wish being fuckable was one of the requirements, but it's not. Yeah. It's simply not.

This month, a judge shot down Attorney General Ken Paxton's attempt to declare a Harris County Guaranteed Income Program unconstitutional. The Harris County Commissioner said of Paxton's suit, this lawsuit from Ken Paxton reads more like a MAGA manifesto than a legal document. What is the phrase Paxton used to describe the program, which again, is a program to provide low-income parents and their children $500 a month? Did he call it the A, the Harris handout, B, a socialist experiment, C, an illegal and illegitimate government overreach, or D, all of the above?

Ooh. Ooh, is it D? It was. It was D. Ironically, Paxton's lawsuit claims that the Texas Constitution expressly prohibits giving away public funds to benefit individuals, a common sense protection to prevent cronyism and ensure the public funds will benefit all citizens, which is exactly how you might describe vouchers. I like how he called it the Harris handout. He sounded like a black preacher. They like to rhyme and stuff. That's nice.

Since 2021, nine states have introduced legislation to lower the age at which children can do what? A, serve alcohol. B, drive Uber. C, babysit alone. Or D, lifeguard at a pool. Which age has been lowered? Okay, go for them again. Was it serving alcohol, driving Uber, babysitting, or lifeguarding?

A, yeah, alcohol. It's A. In Wisconsin, the push is to lower the age from 18 to 14. 14? They don't work at the mill and then go to the bar. Yikes. That's Wisconsin. That's Wisconsin. I didn't know they was acting like that there. Hard to get over the... Hard to see over the bar to pour the shots. Yes.

My boy ain't go through puberty yet. He's serving alcohol. Imagine Cheers is exactly the same show except Sam is 15. What drinks can a 15-year-old make?

What a country. Conservatives aren't just targeting children at the state level. Last month, the House Republican Study Committee floated their proposed 2025 budget, which was called Fiscal Sanity to Save America. They proposed saving a little cash by eliminating children's what? They wanted to stop giving something to children at school.

Oh, this is open-ended. This is open-ended. Fill in the blank. You can just riff. I can just riff. Something that Republicans wanted to stop giving children. They just think we got to save money somewhere. Why not stop? Not the fighter jets that can't fly in the rain. We need those. Yeah. I want to give a silly answer. Was it like school lunch or something? It is school lunch. Oh, no. It's school lunch. Because we know that's so healthy. And it followed. I mean, they're not that healthy. Yeah.

Did you see they were like, they like Lunchables somehow got approved and it turns out the Lunchables had too much salt and lead. And then it was like, hey,

Wait, what was that after the salt? Yeah. Lunchables taste like they had lead in them. I'm not going to front. It was a film that was around some of the little discs of meat. It was metallic. It had a metallic taste to it. But so good and so exciting to have a Lunchable. You can make little sandwiches. I didn't get the Lunchables. I wasn't allowed Lunchables. No, no. My mother was like, nah, you're going to get the school lunch. Yeah.

Anyway, this followed Biden's expansion of the community eligibility program, which provides a free breakfast and lunch to low-income students in need to 3,000 more school districts. And of course,

Many Republicans really want to kick things up a notch. As Vivek Ramaswamy put it last August, let's shut down the head of the snake. Take that $80 billion and put it in the hands of parents across this country. Joel, what was he referring to when he said the head of the snake? The what? President? It wasn't the president. It was just the Department of Education as the snake. As the snake? Oh my goodness. Vivek making his people proud. Laughter

The head of the snake. It's so stupid. It's like the Department of Education, it's as if the Department of Education is this all-powerful governing institution. It's the weakest of the cabinet. It's just in there doing their, you know, I don't know, doing studies. Yeah. Sending money to a couple places, you know? They just want people to be able to read, I think. I want everybody to be able to read, I would hope. Yeah. Clap for that. Hey, we're clapping for reading. What a bold assertion.

I want everyone to be able to read. I'm a hero. You're a hero. You're a hero. That kid had it coming. You're a hero. Men in Black 2 is educational. Look, I try to teach them how to read, but if you ain't going to listen, kick in the chest. And finally, Greg Abbott was named to Time's 100 Most Influential People this week. Which of the following is not on Time's 100 Most Influential People's list?

Is it A, Taraji Henson? Oh. B, Patrick Mahomes? C, Elise Stefanik? Or D, Dua Lipa? I'm going to say the person. I don't know who it is. Trick question. They're all on the list. Oh, they are?

Who's Elise Stefanik? She is a right-wing goon from upstate New York. Oh, I don't want to know her. I don't. She's actually interesting because she was vaguely a normal Republican. She was considered kind of a serious person. She went to Harvard. She was younger. She's like a millennial in Congress. And then Trump started winning, and she just went full Trump.

Just fully pretending. I wish I didn't have a conscience because, look, I could be on Fox News tomorrow, baby. I wish I could pull a Candace Owens. Oh, man, I would have a whole show. You know, it speaks well of us, ultimately, that there aren't more people pressing that Fox News button, you know? Yeah. That there are too many people that, like, it's there, it's blinking red, you press it, you get a contract, and people are, like, locking it, throwing the key. Yeah, I'll be telling them, like, I'm dating a queer boy. I'll be all up on Fox News. What? What?

Should we do it? Should we just do it? Should we say fuck it? We go right now. That would love this. Thank you so much, Joel. When we come back, Tim and I are on the Sim Hunt. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way.

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And we're back! Please welcome to the stage friend of the pod and secretly my best friend in the entire world, gay former Republican category. It's the Bulwark's Tim Miller! We're friends? Yeah, we're friends. Buddy, we're friends. I'm so honored. Do you remember when...

Do you remember when... You were a baby gay. And you were a baby gay, and I think you had just come out of the closet, and we passed each other, and you with Tyler, who was then, I think, just a new beau in your life. You weighed like 95 pounds. And you were going up the escalator to West Elm, and I was going down the escalator. I don't remember this moment. It meant a lot to me. Really? I have some other memories, but, you know, it's your show. Let's keep it moving. Tim...

You're somebody that has spent the last decade or so trying to make sense of a morally bankrupt Republican Party that you once considered your home. Multiple stories over the weekend made clear that while, of course, there were political considerations, Mike Johnson seems to have been genuinely persuaded that funding Ukraine's fight against Russia was necessary. Your little neocon heart must have been singing a song of love. Just fluttering. What's your take on what happened? Praise Jesus. Okay. You know?

I'm just ready to maybe convert. I gotta tell you, I've been loving Mike Johnson so much this weekend that I'm thinking about getting in one of those deals he's got with his son where we share our porn with each other. I'm just like, I'm down with Mike Johnson. I just don't know how you get in on that. Probably not a three-way, but maybe just me and Mike.

Right, yeah, I don't think it's the kind of thing where there's a group chat. I mean, it starts... From accountability to enabler, it's a fine line when you are sharing each other's porn histories. It's interesting to think about. Maybe I shouldn't do that. But look, it's...

I do think that he had a genuine change of heart. That's nice. It's nice when people that have, you know, do bad things do good things sometimes. That's good. That's the opposite of how things have been going lately. No, of course. Good on you, Mike Johnson. I didn't expect to be on stage in Austin praising Mike Johnson today, but...

Well, it is interesting. Well, it's very clear also, like, you know, his motivation in politics, I mean, he worked for an art museum. I mean, he was motivated by social conservatism around, you know, like, evangelical issues which are about abortion and social policy and all the... Not great on gays. Not great on gays. And we both know that, obviously, Mike Johnson, not great on gays. But...

But clearly, like on foreign policy, he was someone that was not the motivating reason he was running for office. And so he gets into this position of authority. And then all of a sudden he's sitting in the Oval Office. Because remember that story where Chuck Schumer was like, that was the most intense meeting I've ever been in. Clearly, Mike Johnson's backbencher sitting at this meeting with Biden and Kamala and Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries. And he's sitting there and all these briefers come in and like open up the fucking maps. And it's like, this is where Putin will go. And this is what will happen to Poland. Like it fucked him up.

Yeah, it was what all the idiots told us Trump was going to do. Grow in office. That's nice. Serious problems are happening. People are dying. And he's like, yeah, I guess I should take this seriously. This shows you he's maybe misjudged some of his fellow colleagues. But he was like, before the vote, I want anyone that's going to vote no to go into the skiff and learn about all the terrible things that have happened to the Ukrainian babies, like fucking Chip Roy gives a fuck about the Ukrainian babies. And he's kind of like, oh, I go in the skiff.

But no, I do think that happened. I think he also genuinely met with Ukrainian Christians and they lobbied him. And I think they preyed on the guy's conscience. He has a conscience. He's got other problems, but he has a conscience, which makes him a category difference from the nominee for president of the party. And several others.

And speaking of the people with a category difference, Marjorie Taylor Greene keeps submitting bills saying congressmen and women should be conscripted. And she said that she wants Israel's laser beams. It didn't get very far this time. No. There's been a few kind of...

on the House side basically saying, we're done. We're no longer dealing with these people. Is this a unique and overdetermined circumstance? Mike Johnson has this actual call to responsibility. It has to happen now. There are these other bills that also had to go. Or is this a genuine shift where as long as there is no, as long as the majority is two votes and there are seven people who vote no on everything, you might as well ignore them? Has this changed something or no? I don't know.

I don't think it's changed anything fundamentally that the party, I mean, half of the party voted against the Ukraine aid, which is a crazy shift from 10 years ago, for example. And it's moving the wrong direction. You know, you have the Mike Gallagher's like these pussies that are like quitting because they don't want to deal with Marjorie Taylor Greene, like the types of people that used to be in the party that would support the stuff are leaving.

and they're being replaced by MAGA Crazies. So I don't think it's changing the trajectory of the party. For the moment, though, their spines are stiffened a little bit. Tony Gonzalez here from Texas, he was crapping on some of these guys today. And so I do think some of them have gotten a little bit, you know...

a little bit of courage to be able to punch back at them, but I think that over time, we saw this. We've been down this road before. There were some people who had some courage on January 9th and 10th and 11th of 2021. It didn't last until Valentine's Day. Yeah, it was not the time-release capsule version of courage. If it's the kind of courage that... You're waking up in the middle of the night. You get it. But...

I don't, but I was out late last night on 2 and 5. I do think it's funny. Yes, Tim is, you're hungover right now. Extremely.

I agreed to this, and I'm going to tell you, I looked at my calendar. Me and John Lovett are having brunch in West Hollywood, as people do if they're homosexual. And he was like, do you want to do the show in Austin? It's on April 21st. I grabbed my calendar. I was like, oh, yeah, I'm open that day. And then a couple days later, I looked at my calendar for April 20th, and I was like, oh, I'm hosting a party on April 20th evening in another city. Hell, yeah, you are. So I was at the gay bar until 2.30 a.m. last night in New Orleans, and now I'm here with you right now.

Giving you really incisive takes. Great takes. Top ten takes. But a little slower than usual. South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem. Now, she was asked about South Dakota's abortion ban. It's a trigger law that went into effect. It has no exceptions for rape or incest. And here's what she said about it. Do you think there should be exceptions for rape and incest, for example?

And I think that every state's going to look different. That's what's different, Dana, is that I've constantly looked at... We rely in South Dakota on the fact that I'm pro-life and we have a law that says that there is an exception for the life of the mother. And I just don't believe a tragedy should perpetuate another tragedy. Now...

So this clip is in the context of Donald Trump saying basically he's pretty fucking worried that he's going to lose this thing on abortion. And he's been telling people when he's looking into his VP list, like, where are they on abortion? He's worried about this, what it means to the ticket. Did she just take herself out? What do you think? You know, I never thought that Kristi Noem was in the VP list. There's been a lot of discussion of her. She had a couple problems. Now, Donald Trump doesn't actually care about abortion.

policy. So I don't think the abortion thing probably helps her, but the teeth ad, have you seen the teeth ad that she did? The teeth ad was insane. It was very strange. You're like, you're looking at her gums. And I just, I don't think that Donald Trump, who is concerned about the cut of somebody's jib and whether they could play a vice president in a movie, wants to see the inside of their gums in an infomercial. Have you heard about the Benihana?

Have I heard about you mean just the delicious morsels of shrimp? Corey Lewandowski is out of Benihana flirting with a woman, a Mormon woman who's married, who has like seven children, who's a big Donald Trump supporter, aggressively flirting with her, drunkenly flirting with her. And Kristi Noem is also at Benihana. It's like a fundraiser or something. And she's texting him under the table, like, Corey, behave. Be nicer. And like...

I mean, this is... They're having, like, love texts under the table with Corey Lewandowski. And this is not vice presidential behavior, John. The most recent time I went to Benihana, I went alone in Las Vegas, as it was intended. That was the Benihana! It was the Vegas Benihana? That place is a dump. You have to...

Now, is this your own personal reporting or was this written down somewhere? Yes, it was my reporting. Somebody, I wrote about this, but it was a police report. There is a police report. You can Google this. Google Corey Lewandowski, Benny Hanna police report. Go to thebullwork.com. I did a full takeout on this police report. How did you miss this? Do you not read all of my material? Do you not have an RSS feed for me? I read almost everything.

This is like my masterpiece. This was my piece de resistance. It's like improv prompts from hell. All right, let's talk about the trial. Trump is falling asleep. He's violating his gag order. Opening statements and witness testimony begin this week. First of all, what's your impression of the spectacle so far? I don't think it's great. For him. It's a trial. Yeah, he has to sit in court all day. He's getting chastised by the judge. He's farting.

Right. So that's the kind of political analysis I've been looking for. That's the, that's what you can't get that. You can't get that. Here's the thing. You need people that have been in, you need people that have been in the crucible.

Like Tim, someone who's been in it to give you the analysis that I don't think it's good he's farting and falling asleep. I mean, I've never had a candidate I do advise who has been in trial and farting in court. So I don't have a lot of experience to bring to the table here. I've had some candidates with some weaknesses. You know, they weren't that strong on the debate stage, for example. They're inconsistent on some policy matters. They've been farting their way through a criminal trial.

No, I would say it is. It is definitely, I would say, you know, on the SWAT analysis, it's definitely, it's a weakness for sure. It's a threat. It's a weakness. Now, there are people that would say it's an opportunity. I don't agree. I don't agree. I don't agree. I think it's a weakness and I think it's a threat. I'm sorry for spitting on you. It's okay.

Now, in terms of the polling, people do find it sleazy and unethical. But of the many criminal cases Trump is facing, this is the least serious to people. And yet, look at the polls overall. And yet, if just a sliver of independents and Republicans find this anathema and don't show up and vote...

That's enough to keep the ice cream cones flowing, you know, in the White House. Yeah. So what do you like? Look, this may be the only trial we get. Hopefully there are others. But maybe this is the only one. Hopefully there are others. But if this is the only one, what do you what do you hope we get out of this? I don't I'm not that hopeful about the trial. I'm sorry to bring you guys down on a Sunday night. I will say it's like, you know, he's spending a lot of money on lawyers.

And I think that there's an opportunity cost that's being lost about he isn't doing his racist campaign rants in North Carolina. That would be more useful for him to be campaigning, depending, I guess, on what he was saying.

But, you know, it's not good to be in court instead of like actually trying to win, you know? And so, and I think that there's a weakness about it, you know, being, I kind of wish there were cameras in the court. Oh, I just, I ranted about this last week. I would kill for fucking cameras in this court. Get this thing on television. Let's OJ this thing. Yeah.

I want to see this every day. Lance Edo and the whole crew. I want it all on television. So I think on balance, obviously, he'd rather not be in court than be in court. But I don't know. Is the Stormy Daniels thing going to be the thing that makes or breaks it with the Dearborn crowd or the Wall Street Journal dad in the Atlanta suburbs? Probably not. Here's my feeling about this. The only hope I have, my little candle of hope, is that...

You know, there's all this polling that's showed, right? That even when people don't... That if Trump is convicted, that will mean they won't vote for him. And I don't believe them fully. I know. I don't believe them either. But I do... My little hope is that...

We've been listening, we've been seeing Trump skate for a decade and people have really internalized this idea that, oh, Trump just gets away with stuff. That's Trump. There's also a whole, there's a whole economy of people saying how terrible Trump is. That's Trump. This is all the Trump chaos and swirl, but he's always the same, right? Like that's just Trump. And they don't blame him for the pandemic. That was just, that was force of nature, whatever. And so Trump is Trump. He's crazy, but he's good at business and that's that.

But that people kind of want permission to be done with him. And that a conviction says, I don't have to think about this guy anymore. You know? Like, that's it. That's the law coming down. I'm out. I get to be out now. That sounds nice. Yeah. It's just my little hope. I don't think it's going to happen. I think that there are other things that he has other vulnerabilities. I don't think it's good for him to be in court. And for him to be convicted, you know, I would really enjoy that. But I just don't. I'm not with you. Now...

As we head into the fall, it is vice president season, as we discussed. It falls directly between duck season and wabbit season, which is why we want to play a game with you called Simply the Best, in which you must blind rank some of the biggest Trump simps in the game. I get it. Keep in mind, you will only get one toady at a time. Will the next one be an even bigger lick spittle? This is gross. No, it sucks. It sucks for sure. All right.

All right, remember, you're going to rank these five from... Is Marco a poodle? Is Marco a labradoodle? Yeah, it looks like he's got a curly coat. Looks like a hypoallergenic. All right, first up, Tim Scott. Let's play this simp moment. You're the senator of his state, and she endorsed me. You must really hate her. No, it's a shame. It's a shame. Uh-oh.

I just love you. No, that's... Oh, my God. Truly, that haunts my... The funniest part of that video is that Trump goes, uh-oh. So relatable. The best he's ever been. Uh-oh. You know, you're just doing your thing and then there's just like a Christian weirdo right fucking... Uh-oh.

How does this game work? You're ranking him with one being the number one simp. You're going to have five people to rank. You're blind ranking. Where do you put him on a scale of one to five? Boy, I think he's right in the middle of the bell curve. I mean, boy, that's really gross. My tummy hurts, but I'm expecting there to be worse. So I'm going to put him right in the middle at number three. Number three. Next up, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. When traveling with then-President Trump to a summit, Sanders wrote in a book... Not helping my knowledge. So...

Oh, I see. I thought I heard something different. All right. Sarah Agby Sanders wrote in her memoir that Kim Jong-un winked at her. Trump immediately began joking that she had to take one for the team. Well, Sarah, that settles it. You're going to North Korea and taking one for the team. Your husband and kids will miss you, but you'll be a hero to your country, presumably because she's the North Korean dictator's bride. Where is she on the simplest for you?

This is two straight clips where you kind of humanize Trump, and I'm wondering if that's bad on you right now, John Lovett, because... Oh, yeah, yeah. We got some undecideds here. There are people out there laughing at Donald Trump's jokes at Sarah Huckabee Sanders' expense. Okay. We can't... I'm concerned about that. We have to sanitize the news? I don't think so. I don't believe in that. We have to censor. I don't believe in that. Nothing positive about Donald Trump. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, I'm going to put her...

Wanting to sleep with Kim Jong-un for Donald Trump at number two. Okay, number two. Next up, we have Chris Sununu. The governor of New Hampshire said this about supporting Trump. So just to sum up, you would support him for president even if he's convicted in classified documents. You support him for president even though you believe he contributed to an insurrection. You support him for president even though you believe he's lying about the last election. You'd support him for president even if he's convicted in the Manhattan case. I just want to say the answer to that is yes, correct? Correct.

Yeah, me and 51% of America. Governor, thanks for your time this morning. That smug grin just fucking drives me insane. Yeah, but what I like about that moment is he's actually mad. It's a tight kind of like, a little mad, a little mad. I think so, yeah. I think that was a very, I think that was a...

I think that got under his skin. Yeah. I'm ranking him fourth, but just, you know, personally, I find him to be the worst because he knows better than these other people. But it's, that was, I mean, that's not as bad as Kim Jong-un's sex, I think, objectively. Yeah. So I'm going to have to put it fourth because, you know, these rankings need to have integrity. And I appreciate, I appreciate the spirit of integrity. But personally, not for me. Yeah. Next up, Marco Rubio. One. Now, okay. Uh,

Don't you think that it would be amazing if Trump told Marco Rubio, I will make you VP, but you have to move out of Florida first. He resigns his Senate seat, picks up residence in Texas, and then Trump's like, eat shit. It would be the ultimate. It would be the right end to him.

I really want that to happen. I've been thinking about that as well. I'm just like laying in bed at night and that's what I'm kind of imagining is that Marco Rubio has to move and resign from the Senate and then not get picked. The other thing, have we talked about the Marco Rubio ears Pinocchio theory? Oh, that the more he lies, the bigger his ears get? The bigger his ears get. I had...

I feel like that's happening. I mean, it's unbelievable the amount of growth of the ears since 2016. Yes. Well, listen, our noses, our ears, and other things always keep growing. They don't stop. What other things are you talking about? I'm talking about the male balls. Oh, really? I'm talking about balls, Tim.

I was going to allow it to be subtext. I literally didn't know what you were talking about. Well, you'll know when you sit on them when you're 65. I can't look at you anymore. I'm just going to look at Marco's ears. Look at those things. All right, so he's number one. Next up, Ted Cruz. There wasn't a clip? We don't need a clip of Rubio. Ted Cruz, you've forced yourself to make him the least simpy of them all.

I was in the Cruz crew in 2016, and by the way, you would have gotten Ted Cruz and you guys would have liked it in 2016. Okay, we would have been much better off with Ted Cruz than Donald Trump. You think Chris Hillary would have won? Hillary probably would have won, and even if she wouldn't have, there's nobody storming the Capitol waving Ted Cruz flags. Okay? So there would have been problems, but it would have been better.

I was for Ted Cruz. I voted for this man right there. That guy. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, deal with it. Deal with it. That's what Tim is. That's the shame. It's complicated. It's complicated. It's not all just fuck Trump. There's other parts to it. Just for fun, just for our last simp, let's see the clip of Ted Cruz saying how funny it was that he called his wife ugly.

In 2016, we had a primary where Donald Trump and I beat the living crap out of each other. I'll tell you, Heidi laughed when he said that. My father laughed. By the way, my dad didn't just kill Kennedy. He's got Jimmy Hoffa buried in the backyard. It was idiotic. Very, very sorry. Sorry, I got blood on my shirt from where you punched me, Mr. Trump. That is not a cult leader energy. No, no, no, no. We wouldn't have to worry about it.

Yeah. Nobody's trying to hang you. He should have been four probably. Should have been four, yeah. It's the problem with the blind ranking. That's the beauty of it. That's the beauty of it. So in number five, we have Ted Cruz. Number four, it was Sununu. Sununu. Number three. Tim Scott. Tim Scott. Number two, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. And the number one simp of them all, the one, the only. You know him, you love him. Marco Rubio. Was that a question? Tim will be back for the rant. Maybe. Tim Miller, everybody. He'll be here. He'll be here.

Up next, Zach gets back in the saddle. And we're back! Please welcome to the stage, comedy's bisexual bad boy clown. It's hilarious, friend of the pod, Zach Zucker. Oh my god, hello everybody! Hey buddy. Good to see you. Get in here. Oh my god, bad boy, what the heck? Okay, already they hate it? Alright, man. Greetings, partners. Hey! Hey!

Hey, did the idea of a cowboy mean anything to you growing up? Yeah. You love them? Yeah. I mean, it's crazy that they're real. There's like real rootin' tootin' partners. Zach, Zach, closer. Okay, just because I'm bisexual doesn't mean I have to fucking deep throat the mic. Jesus Christ. You should see the operation they're running backstage. These people are making me do everything I don't want to do. Putting me in crazy... Okay, you're not going with this. Bye. Bye.

Yes, I love cowboys. Are you kidding me? That's like... Could you imagine just being a cowboy? I guess you can. You live amongst them. But they're... And I was scared of them. I thought I'm famously bisexual and I had my nails painted. Okay, he's crazy. And I wiped them because I thought people here would be like, queers. But instead they looked at me and they were like, queers? You know? You know?

I thought they'd be like, you have a partner. And so they were like, partner? You know, it was a... And then they still hit me. But it was a... Well, that's that lasso life. Aren't you happy you have me back? I love having you here. Do you know that the internet thinks that we have sexual chemistry? What gave them that idea? Probably the fact that we've been hooking up for a few months. All right. I just want to... I'm coming over here now. And I just... Now...

Now, this is the second time I've been... You're like, what if I joke about the fact that Reddit thinks we're hooking up? And I was like, cool, that's fine. And you just come out and you're like, we're fucking. Yeah. Where are you going? Baby. Oh, sorry. It's hard to delineate this personal and professional relationship that we're figuring out. And we're figuring... Now, the last time Zach was here... Tell me about politics. LAUGHTER

Just trying to do the cute thing we do when no one else is watching us. I didn't think I was going to launch this hard into it, but if we're going to launch girly, we're going to launch, you know? Wow.

Last time we had Dak on, we played a game titled, Would You Fuck This Clown? And clearly I would. But as a clown yourself, are people too horny for clowns or not horny enough? I think they are just the right amount of horny. And that's a lot. They're horny for clowns, but some people try to make clown their identity. And that's where I don't really like it, you know? Okay, I get vulnerable and you pull away. All right.

Who are you, John Last Night? So you're saying being a clown... For the podcast listeners, I am showing shoulder right now. He's showing shoulder. So you're saying for you, being a clown is not like how Batman is Clark Kent's alter ego. It's more like how Superman... What'd I say? You said... Oh, I was doing... It's not like how... Hey. You're more like... It's okay. It's okay.

Wow. Chanel number four. It's the only perfume I know. That's right. We all know that famous Chanel number four. Yeah. Second only to the Mambo number five. You think, so a clown isn't something you are, it's just something you do. I am. It's a curse. It's something that you end up doing when there's really nothing else that works, but you've got this deep inner belief that you were meant to do the thing that everyone else is like, maybe not.

And so, you know, you got to make the most out of it. You got to fuck. Period. Next question. All right. Baby. Country duo Big and Rich famously advised, save a horse, ride a cowboy. We couldn't have put it better ourselves, which is why we're going to climb into the saddle and decide who should be ridden hard and put away wet. That's right. It's time for a game we're calling, Would You Fuck This Cowboy? Yes, I would. First up.

I can't believe you guys, I always get, I send them this photo every time of me and it's like a liquefied version of my face and I'm always worried that you guys are going to say no to it, but I really love to look at it. Because you think like, you know, the quality control department's like, that's not his real face. No, somebody does this in 10 seconds. Yeah. I was just hoping you'd be like, his face is special to me. I wanted to maybe cherish it or something. Yeah. I should wish, yeah, you're right.

Hey, it's okay. We can talk about this later. We'll talk about it later. We'll talk about it later. Tonight. We'll talk about it later. No, you ask the question. And obviously the question is, would you fuck Yosemite Sam? Okay, either that man really loves to give head or he's never done it in his life, you know? That mustache is either his, that's like his wingman or it's like, there's a lot of gunk in there. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. You don't think Yosemite Sam can Yosemite suck some dick? Yeah.

Shame on you. Well, I need an answer. Did I? It's crazy to look at him and then imagine truly being like, yeah, okay, this man's either going to be inside me or I'm going to be inside him. Just like, I don't think I could look up. I don't think I could look back and see him going...

I'm really considering it. I'm really considering it. And I think, honestly, don't fight that instinct. Trust that instinct. Yeah. Trust that instinct. Your body's telling you no. Also, why does... I feel like Bugs has, like, a fisting glove on. Yeah, that is strange. Gays and queers know what I'm talking about. There you are. I see you. Next up, we have 1850s Biff from Back to the Future 3. Okay. Based on the crowd, the crowd doesn't want me to fuck him. But I'm sort of a bad boy. Okay.

Because if boys aren't bad, they're just boys. You know what? Yeah, I'll fuck him. I'll fuck him back to the present, the future, wherever he wants to go. All right. Next up. Only if you were okay with it, though. We haven't had that conversation. I mean, we just haven't had that conversation at all. We're not even close to having that conversation. We're just... I don't even know. It's just not even... It's an election year. It's like, I know you... But this is how you always bring the...

You always bring these stuff up and you bring it up in a jokey way, but then like, is it a jokey way, you know, or is it just, you know, is that how you talk about stuff? And it's like, we can just not be funny. We can have a conversation. We can have a serious, we don't always have to joke. We can sit down and we can have a serious conversation once in a while. But even now you won't fucking do it. You're so handsome when you're direct. But this is the problem. This is the problem. Always wants to make it a joke. Be present, but without a joke for one fucking second. Let's have a fucking conversation. Let's sit down and have a talk. Maybe we should stop lying to all these wonderful people.

Would you fuck Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist from Brokeback Mountain? I mean, come on. Sorry, is that it? Yeah, whatever they said, I agree. Yeah, obviously, yeah, I'm going to fuck both of these guys. Politely, sweetly. That's really it. It's some real gentle loving cow folk. Am I allowed to do that accent? The cowboy accent? No, we consider that racist here.

Next up, we have Buster Scruggs. Okay, first off, epic name. That's the singing cowboy from the Coen Brothers 2018 Western Anthology, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. He seems like a guy. Period. No, you know, he seems like someone who's like, when you bring him around, the girl is like, oh my God, he's got like, like you would love him. He's got an amazing personality. But you're not like, I'm not like, ooh, Buster, yum, yum, yum, yum, you know, like,

Right. But he probably, you know, does he play piano? Let's say he does. So he knows how to use his hands? Sorry, has no one in this crowd ever had sex before? They're all going to do it for the first time after this show, which is so exciting. I mean, I'm horned up right now. For sure. Next up, speaking of being horned up. No, I wouldn't fuck it. It's a no-one buster. What about Woody from Toy Story? Emperor Zorg in the house. All right.

I mean, here's the thing. Woody, objectively, he's got like DILF energy, which I know is strange to say for like a kid's toy. And I grew up on Toy Story. So in a way, it kind of feels like I'm fucking my guardian. Yeah. He had a friend in me and I was his friend. You got a friend in... Wait. So it's a yes on Woody. Yeah. Woody, you sure would. Sure. Woody was just his nickname. What was his real name?

Next up. It would have been sick if either of us had a good one for that. A lot of tension there. So ready to have a good one. Yeah. And finally, we have Daniel Stern, Billy Crystal, and Bruno Kirby in City Slickers. Things to consider. It's three for the price of one, partner. Okay, not even a fuck one, marry one, kill one. It's just all or nothing. No, you're going to marry and fucking kill them all. Yeah. Okay, first off, not loving their outfits. Yeah.

Well, because they're city slickers, you see. Yeah, okay. You see, they're city slickers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They come from the bustling world of New York City. They're not ready for what's about to happen to them, which is that the cows, they're loose. And I think someone died. Curly died. Damn, rest in weed, Curly. All right. You know what?

Again, these aren't like my typical type of cowboys. My type of cowboys are the guys that walk down the streets here are like, straight! So you're not like, say like Billy Crystal, kind of like an anxious Jewish comedian type is not like your thing. No.

Which is fine. If it isn't, I... And that's... I'm having a hard time hearing the feedback is so loud right now. But if that's not your thing, I understand that it's not your thing. You know what, actually, probably the hottest thing about them is that Billy Crystal has this, like, anxious Jewish vibe.

Which, as also an anxious Jew, oops, spoiler alert, girls, I would. I would do that. And if I met someone in life who looked anything close to that or didn't look like him at all but had those traits, I would probably be like, yes, queen. And so he would fuck that cowboy. Yes, I would. Thank you, Zach. Zach is going to stick around for the rant wheel. When we come back, the rant wheel. Thank you.

Before we get to the rant wheel, it is 2024. The election is upon us. If you're not sure how to make an impact, Vote Save America's anxiety relief program will route you to recurring donations to down-ballot candidates who need it at the exact moment. With your help, they've been raising over $210,000 of recurring donations from over 4,700 donors. That's just from March.

Your donations help support the work of the Black Male Initiative, Freedom Block Ohio, and Detroit Action, which are working to increase voter turnout and political power among black communities, plus other organizations mobilizing for voter registration this year. Let's keep that momentum going. Head to votesaveamerica.com to set up a recurring donation today. Paid for by Votesave America. Votesaveamerica.com, not authorized by any candidate or candidates committee. All right. Let's get Jason and Randy and Joelle and Tim back out here. Let's go, gang. Yeah.

Okay, girls. Come on out. Come on out. Boys couch. There we go. Boys couch. It's a boys couch. It is a boys couch. We're getting cozy. It's a very white couch. I just had to say that out loud. I am 25% Lebanese, so... That's right. Yeah.

I kind of want to lay on top of these mobiles. Please. Come on down. Please. I'm trying to make John jealous, so whatever it takes. I would say two and a half of us would love it. No, I was about to say, somehow this couch is two-thirds gay, and I don't know why. What do you mean? It's gay by two hot twins. Are you kidding me? This is the perfect dream. Yes. This is a Pornhub search. Yes. Right.

Which, did you know, it's banned, bitches! Wait, you guys don't have that here? No. No wonder everybody seems so tense. What do you think I was doing before I got on stage? Some people honking in traffic. You just go to every hotel and find when people check in, they're like, fuck! And you're like, alright, they found out that you couldn't get it right. And that's the only porn site, so what are people going to do? It is literally the only site. X, I think, is what people are doing. There's other ones, there's other ones. Um...

Before we hit the dusty trail back to California, we want to close out the show with a spin of the rant wheel, Texas style. Each of us will take turns sharing a grievance. For example, why is everything so much bigger here? Not my hotel room. The fuck is a New York boutique hotel doing in Austin, Texas? The toilet and the shower? I can't. Where am I supposed to shit? In the toilet? I was going to say in the sink.

I love the accommodations you provided, John. Let's spin the rant wheel. Ooh, she cute. Joel, it's landed on you. What are we ranting about? What are we ranting? I'm just supposed to just say something? Whatever you want. Okay, listen. The minute is yours. Austin, I don't like your city. Here's why. I don't. I'm too old and too black for this city. I am not the demographic for it. I feel like Austin is like a sundown town for women. What?

And yet prices are like New York City. And I'll appreciate that. You know what I'm saying? I had a $35 margarita. Are you kidding me? But of course I had it because my reps paid for it. But anyway, yeah, man, everything's too expensive here. I don't like it. I don't like 6th Street. It's gross. Take that, Austin. Take that, Austin. Let's spin it again. I love that.

Yes, King. That's crown. Thank you. Is that a flower crown? It's more of a, it's like a golden crown from a costume shop that I rented. Allegedly. Do you have rants that we're allowed to pick up on or topics or is it just from off the dome? It's whatever you want. Yeah. Do you want me to go first? See, this is the initiative I needed you to take with us.

These are the conversations you could be having instead of watching Pornhub in this town together, gentlemen. No, we'll get Zach down here. We'll block all the pornography. Get them all riled up, then I'll make my move. It's working. Meanwhile, I think every delivery guy is trying to fuck me. It sucks. Can't get my delivery porn anymore. You guys don't get it because you don't know porn. All right, yeah.

You don't know porn. That's my rant. You don't know porn. You know how good it is to have it chemically alter your brain and fuck up your ability to have sex healthily for the rest of your lives? Yeah. Looking at everyone like some sort of object instead of the beautiful person they are. John. John.

It's a nightmare. How are you supposed to get your rocks off? Everyone's so tense and everyone's pretending that they're not gay or whatever. But you're wearing assless chaps all the time. You know, I'm also with JL. I don't understand this city. I don't get if this crowd is liberal. I don't get if you're conservative. I make jokes about going to the mothership comedy club and saying my favorite slurs. And you guys respond like this. And then I make jokes about Greg Abbott paying for my transport. He gave me a bus all the way down here. And you react like that.

So I don't know where you are. We don't know where you are. We can't get a beat on you. And everyone's always like, remember the Elmo? Yeah, I remember the Elmo. I remember the Big Bird. I remember Oscar the Grouch. I remember these guys. And you don't like that joke either. That sucks. That sucks. Shame on you. Anyways, unblock porn. Tell John to talk to me more. That's right. Let's spin it again.

By the way, I could not say, I just was thinking of Tickle Me the Alamo. I don't know why that's funny. Tickle Me the Alamo. All right. Is that on Jason? Yeah. Not a fan of Whole Foods. I know. Before you jumped down my throat. Same. Randy and I were at the Whole Foods mothership, the original mothership here in Austin. There's like a corporate offices upstairs. Probably somebody worked there. And, uh,

We were... We walked... Remember this, man? We walked and we were standing in the front just looking at all the things we couldn't afford. And a bird flew in, landed in the ground, looked around, and then flew out and was like, I can't afford this shit. This is way too much. I'm going to HEB. Which, I mean...

That's worse. That's worse. Why'd you do that? Why would you do that? It's boo you. What is happening? That can't be the cheap store. Wait, wait. The fact that Hebe is the cheap store? Like, seriously, that's a little on giant hook note. Thank you. That's what I wanted to say. Yeah. We can't get a beat on you. Unblock that porn. Unblock the porn.

Let's spin it again. It has landed on Tim because we had a graphical error that we could not fix. What happened to me? What is my hair? What is happening with my hair? It has landed on Tim. You look so handsome. He's got liberal hair. I have to be earnest for a second. I'm sorry. These guys do the comedy. I'm intimidated by Zach right now, so I just got to talk about politics. What the hell? Um...

My rant is up. People that are planning on writing in somebody for president this year, that rant is about not... I'm not picking on anybody in particular. It is conservatives like George Will who are like, I'm upset about NHTSA regulations. And it's like the non-binary DSA freshman at the University of Wisconsin that's like, I'm going to write in fuck capitalism instead. I'm just like, all of you people are being babies. Voting is not...

about self-actualization. It's not about feeling good about yourself and, like, feeling all warm and fuzzy that you love the person and that they make your heart sing. That's not what voting's about. It's like drag race. It's like, Shantae, you say, sashay away. Like, that's the choice. You've got two options. You've got two options. You know, it is either the farting, racist, wannabe Mussolini or, like, the normal Democrat...

who's like kind of old. Like that's it. Those are the two options. You have to fucking pick one and if you write in Jack Kemp...

Writing in Jack Kemp is not the bold decision that you think it is. National Review writers. What do you think about that, John? Was that a risky take in this audience? I think it was the perfect take. Very bold. I think it was a beautiful and wonderful take. Sometimes the truth just has to be said. Sometimes the truth doesn't need to be anything other than the truth, you know? I appreciate that. And I liked it. Thank you. Biden. Oh. I'm getting uncomfortable again. That's so true.

Biden forgave my student loan, so he purchased my vote for $60,000. Tim! How much of that have you given back to the campaign, by the way? Listen, that a goddamn guy. All right, let's spin it again. Me again. It has landed on Randy. Oh, okay. You look good. Why does my hair seem more liberal than yours?

I think on, I want to say this about Austin, on 7th Street you have probably the most poorly placed homeless shelter ever over there.

I know it's doing good. I know it's really good for this day, but you can't put it next to that many drunk people because they're going to walk through and think that it's like a club. If you put velvet ropes in front of it, this is what I think you should do. Charge $25 for people to walk in and just give all the money to the shelter. People will wander around in there, think it's a club, come back out and be like, oh my God, have you guys been to shelter? It's so amazing. Yeah.

I saw a guy wearing open-toed sneakers there. It's so fashion-forward. I think they were Aviyahs. And just bachelorette parties coming through, like, a homeless guy laying on the ground. They're like, "Will you take our picture? It's her birthday!" Do it in portrait.

So I don't like the placement. I think it has to change. Let's do the velvet rope thing. Get a bouncer in there just standing, a guy with a clipboard, and let's raise that money. I love the way you've been thinking out the box this whole show. That's right. I think that's exciting. That's what America's all about. America is about thinking out the box and not using their dishwasher. That's what I think America is. Let's spin it again. Yeah. Here we go. Why, it's landed on me.

It's about time. And I have a rant. I have a rant. Finally. I've been coming to Austin to do shows here, and here's the problem I have. Every year I get one a little bit older, as does not just the outside of me, but the tube that runs through me.

Human beings are Tauruses. I don't know if you know this, but we're a Taurus. We're a straw. Basically, we're a donut. A big stretched out donut. Do you understand what I'm saying mathematically? We're a donut. We've got our inside tube and our outside. That's it. And they both age at the same time. And the doctors that you go to to give you new hair or the injections you can take to be thinner, they make you look a little bit younger on the outside. But that doesn't change the inside tube.

And I come here and I do the same thing every time. I get Tex-Mex and I get barbecue. And it's like every time I do it, it's a little bit harder for me to do this show afterwards. And I want you to all know something that happened, which is I ran by the Paramount Theater about two hours ago at a full fucking sprint. And I looked up and I saw my name in lights. And I couldn't so much as pause to take a fucking picture.

Because I was like Batman in the 1960s Batman trying to find a place to put this fucking bomb. And I'm running through the nightclub and there's kids in strollers. I can't throw it off the edge. There's a boat down there. And then I run into the hotel. I'm still holding the bomb. And then, of course, that's the elevator that every person wants to go up one floor. Yeah.

And then they get off at 7, someone else gets on at 7, they're getting off at 8. I don't know that I can keep coming back here. Because I can't take it. And I don't know how you all live here and do this. Is barbecue and Tex-Mex like a trick you pull on visitors? Or have you built some kind of a resistance to it? Has your body built up a tolerance that I can't begin to understand? I can't keep living like this. And I've only lived like this for 26 hours.

Thank you for having me. And that's the ran wheel. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. Before we do the high notes, Austin, you have been incredible tonight. Thank you. The book John, Tommy and I wrote, Democracy or Else, How to Save America in 10 Easy Steps, is coming out June 25th. They told us we couldn't do it. They told us our brains were too soupy from Twitter and TikTok to write a book. And they were right.

But we got it done anyway. I have a stack of book plates, and I don't know what book plates are, and neither do you. But basically, it's a piece of paper I signed because the book isn't even printed yet that you get to stick in the book that I will sign for anyone who pre-orders a copy. So essentially, your books will be signed. I'm going to head to the merch booth right after the show and sign as many as I can, okay? I mean, if you give a shit. And you can pre-order at crooked.com slash books or the QR code on the screen in the lobby. Yeah, we're doing business tonight. Deal with it.

And if you pre-ordered already, that'll work too. Just bring whatever, something. Like proof of purchase. Like who's fucking, you come up to the booth and you lie about it. Like pretend about a book and then we get a piece of paper. Eat shit. Come say hi after the show. All right. And now because we all need it, here it is, our high notes. We're going to do them live. Kendra is out there. If you can line up behind Kendra, we're going to do as many as we can in like five minutes. So keep them tight. Keep them nice. Hi, what's your name and what is your high note? Hey, my name's Nick. Uh,

My high note is I've listened to you for the show for a long time. I had a girlfriend named Kate. Kate and I broke up. If you listen to the show, the ad break that Jon Favreau does when he goes, "Hey, we'll be right back. Don't go anywhere." The way he says, "Hey," to me sounds like, "Kate, don't go anywhere. We'll be right back." And, "Kate, don't go anywhere. We'll be right back." And we broke up. We got together. We broke up. We got together. I worked on myself, went to therapy. I got sober, and we got married in December.

That's so sweet. We listen to the show every Saturday morning and we go to get coffee and every time the ad break comes, Kate, don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. That's so nice. That's a great one. That's so sweet.

Hi, what's your name? What's your high note? That's amazing for that gentleman. My name's Chuck, and my high note is democracy means you. I have an organization, and we talk about the three branches of government, but we don't talk about the trunk, and that's the voters. That's the people, and if you don't like who's running, that's your fucking fault. Get the fuck out there and start doing your job. Start getting other people out there, and that's my high note. Okay. Thank you, everybody. Thank you.

An imposition? A high note imposition? Or in, what's the word? Yeah, who cares? Yes, hi, what's your name? What's your high note? Okay. Hi, I'm Gary. Hi, Gary. And I just took somebody out who was 10 years younger than me, which means I've probably gotten over my daddy issues. Okay. Nice. I'm proud of you. You're doing it. Yeah. Yeah.

Love that for you. Hi, what's your name? What's your high note? Hi, my name is Alyssa. I was at the show two years ago, pregnant with my first kid, with my wife and a gay donor. So we had a super gay beat and it's been amazing. And we're trying, my wife's trying for the next one. But tonight I found out another queer friend of mine is about to have a baby. And so, you know, more queer families, queer babies out and about, even in a place like Texas. That's awesome. Very excited. Yeah.

Though, even in queer families, there is a risk of producing a straight child, and people don't know that. And sad, it does happen. It's heartbreaking, but that can happen. Sometimes two moms, their son or daughter will sit them down and say, moms, I'm straight. And they'll be like, but you're so theatrical. Uh...

Hi, what's your name? What's your high note? Hi, I'm Rachel. Hi, Rachel. What's your high note? My high note is that I am here with my friend Lainey. We met when I was in San Francisco doing my internship. I really found myself. She moved back to Austin. It was very sad. I'm still on the West Coast, but we're here tonight, and I'm just so happy you're here with me. That's my high note. Old friends back together. Love that. Hi, what's your name? What's your high note?

I'm Will. So I actually got inspired by Podside America and Bulwark to get involved. So I'm actually going to be working on a state house race. Who inspired you more? Definitely you. All right, keep going. Yeah, House District 2, Kristen Washington for State House. Vote for her if you're in that area. Definitely not because you guys are in Austin. But yeah, so let's get out of here. That's great. Getting out there. Thanks for doing that. Thank you. Thank you.

What's your name? What's your high note? Hi, my name is Max. And my high note is my friend Emma couldn't make it to the show because she is actually graduating from grad school in Chicago in a couple of months. And this is for her because, you know, she really loves the show and we talk about it every week. Oh, great. And also she told me to heckle you, but I couldn't do it. She told me to heckle you. Oh, heckle me? All right, well, give me one heckle. Love it or leave it? Leave it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Next. Next.

Hi, my name's Courtney. Probably over a decade ago, my dad wrote a doodle on a grocery list on my fridge, and I've left it there for 10 years because it just made me smile. He died from a truly fucked-up prion disease February 23, and just last Thursday, I had the doodle tattooed on my wrist, and it brings me as much comfort and joy as I really hoped it would. So that's my husband. That's so sweet. Thank you.

Hi, what's your name? What's your high note? Anastasia. Sorry, I'm so loud. Why did you apologize? I'm sorry? Why are you apologizing? You've done it twice. I know. Anastasia, what's your high note? My friend Sam works at ACC, the Austin Community College, and she let me know that for the next four years, graduating seniors can go to school for free at ACC. Great. That's cool. Hi, what's your name? What's your high note?

Hi, my name is Sarah and my high note is that I'm actually visiting from Minnesota for the Collegiate Decet and the Nationals. And me and three friends just happened to be walking by doing random touristy stuff where we came across this theater and we asked like, hey, what's going on? They're like, oh, it's a comedy show. We're like, oh, how much is it? And they're like, oh, it's this. We're like, okay, I guess we'll go without knowing who anybody here was.

Come to find out that two of my favorite actors from one of my favorite movies is here, so that's my high note. Okay. What about the fucking show? It was the show. What about me? Okay, you're great too, but I'm just saying my favorite actors are here. Great. I'm glad you had a good time. I did. Thanks for stopping in. But download and subscribe. Always love to meet a new fan.

All right, last high note. What's your name? What's your high note? My name is Sarah. I'm a certified nurse midwife, and I want to end on abortion care in Texas. We have found a way where we work. We work with physician residents that are learning to create an abortion exchange program where they are going to go and learn how to give appropriate health care, abortion health care. So despite not having access here in Texas, we're going to make sure that the next generation is trained to give good health care. All right. That's a great place to leave it. Thank you very much.

Thank you for sharing that. Thanks to everybody who shared a high note tonight. If you want to send us a message, go to lowlyhighnotes at gmail.com or if you're a friend of the pod, you can drop it in the Discord. That is our show. Thank you so much to Randy and Jason Sklar, Joelle Nicole Johnson, Tim Miller, Zach Sucker. Thank you to the Paramount Theater and the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. There are 195 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night, Austin, and have a great week. Thank you so much.

♪ ♪

Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Chris Lord is our producer. And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mahana Del Shiki are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure.

Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing video each week so you can. ♪♪♪

It's Love It or Leave It.

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