Parasite for Sore Eyes feat. Andy Richter
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The election is less than 100 days away. Oof. Wow. That might sound scary, but it also means you still have 100 days to donate and volunteer your ass off. And whether you're falling out of a coconut tree or anxiously clinging to one, now is the time to volunteer, donate, and canvas your ass off.

Canvassing is an especially great way to make a difference to get the word out about important candidates and valid initiatives where you live. Sign up to Canvas at votesaveamerica.com and then head to the Crooked store to pick up a canvassing kit. This is all the essentials for a day of door knocking, including a clipboard, pens, band-aids, a tote bag, and more. Get one to motivate yourself to canvas more or send them to your friends in swing states. Matching clipboards are the new matching friendship bracelets. Go to crooked.com slash store to get your kit.

Check out What a Weekday every Tuesday and the live show every Saturday until I'm back in time for our first tour show in Charlotte, North Carolina on June 19th.

If you're listening in LA, you can grab tickets to live shows at crooked.com slash events. Please come see these fantastic guest hosts. I was so worried about how good these episodes would be, thereby exposing my weaknesses and revealing how great this show could be in more talented hands. But I was told that requiring the guest host to take a melatonin gummy before recording was, quote, bad sportsmanship, end quote, a gender term. See you in a few weeks when we hit the road starting in North Carolina. And without further ado, onto the show with the one and only Andy Richter.

Please welcome to the stage, John Lovett! Hang on, wait a minute, hang on. Someone's wrong. Wait, hang on, no, welcome to the stage, Andy Richter! Hello! Hi, everybody. Hi, guys, thanks for coming. Welcome to Love It or Leave It. As you can probably tell from my voice and general lack of anxiety, I am not John Lovett.

I am Andy Richter, and I am the guest host this week. And tonight on the show, my pal Andy Daly is here, and he's full of shit. Yamanika Saunders and Jared Goldstein bring me up to speed, and then it's on to the rant wheel. But first, let's get into what happened this week. What a week.

There, thank you. According to a new report by the New York Times, during a 2012 deposition during his divorce proceedings, RFK Jr. said that doctors found a dead worm in his brain. The cause of the worm's death was ruled to be suicide. I feel a little responsible because when I wished on that cursed monkey paw that RFK Jr. would be more like JFK, I didn't mean present day JFK.

You know, the most disturbing thing was actually when he said, I have a dead worm in my brain, he was just answering a lawyer who asked, is this your signature? Now, to hear Kennedy tell it, he was experiencing fogginess and a loss of memory, and he visited a number of physicians in an attempt to suss out the source. His doctors found a dark spot on his brain, and assuming it was a tumor, scheduled a surgery.

Now, while he packed for his trip to go get the surgery, RFK Jr. got a phone call. The hole on the scan was actually caused by a parasite. My real goal in life now is to never end up in a situation where news breaks that a brain-eating worm died in my skull, and the resounding response is, it checks out. I can buy it.

Now, according to Kennedy, this doctor said the spot was caused by a worm that got into my brain, ate a portion of it, and then died. Kennedy added, I know there will be jokes about this, but before you poke fun, you should know when the worm died, it took a shit inside my brain. And not to be a bummer, just a reminder, this is our second best option for president speaking right now. And we should all lie down for that.

Yep, that's right. If you eat the shit of an infected person. And, you know, personally, I wouldn't worry about what's in the vaccines if I got brain damage from eating too many turds.

And so other than that, how was the South Asia trip, Mr. Kennedy? Other than the brain worm from eating turds. You know, it all makes sense because if you've been paying attention, he has been eating so much shit throughout this campaign. Yeah.

As I mentioned earlier, the deposition took place during divorce proceedings, and RFK Jr. volunteered his medical history in order to argue that his brain problems reduced his ability to earn money and presumably pay alimony. To which I say, yay men! Wow! We're the best!

And not only that, the worm had full access to his bank account and had spent so much of Kennedy's money on high-end dirt and silk pillowcases. And also sports betting. That's an Otani joke for you. Around the same time, RFK Jr. said he was also diagnosed with mercury poisoning, most likely due to eating too many fish.

That guy really did not want to pay for alimony. Not just the brain worm, I got mercury poisoning too, which, I mean, sort of like slow down there, Heathcliff. And while we're at it, Kennedy has a heart condition in which stress, caffeine, or a lack of sleep can cause an arrhythmia. Explain, Kennedy, it feels like there's a bag of worms in my chest. I can feel it immediately when it goes out.

He is the Rasputin of fringe presidential candidates. Not even his body fully revolting against itself can stop him from hitting the campaign trail. Although in hindsight, I can see why his campaign slogan of I'm a giant squirming mass of worms in a skin suit, it's pretty good. Bullseye. Anyway, R.F.K. Jr. also mentioned in the deposition that he once contracted hepatitis C from using intravenous drugs.

I'm sorry, what does this man think the vaccine is going to do to his body that hasn't already happened yet that he hasn't done to himself? Kennedy also has spasmodic dysphonia in which his vocal cords contract involuntarily. We've all heard it. Doctors think, though, that this may be just his body's way of telling him to shut the fuck up.

Speaking of Kennedys, while RFK Jr.'s paltry brain was a feast for worms, his cousin Jack Schlossberg is a whole snack, according to the internet this week. Here he is now. She's got a ticket to ride. She's got a ticket to ride. She's got a ticket to ride, but she don't care.

Oh, move over, little Edie. There's a new New England cousin in town with star power. Meanwhile, an unexpected part of Donald Trump's hush money trial has been rumors that the former president has been repeatedly farting in court. His lawyers refer to it as his right to remain silent, but deadly.

Or it's what I would call repeatedly pleading the fifth... We didn't say it was a grown-up show. Then this week, images of MAGA voters wearing adult diapers in support of Donald Trump...

Made their rounds on the internet. The photos depicted Trump fans with shirts and signs bearing slogans like diapers over Dems, diaper Don, and real men wear diapers with photos of the former president. Yeah, there we go. Trump's been out of office for years. He's still finding ways to increase America's toxic emissions.

I mean, how can you not believe in climate change when your ass is responsible for a lot of it? On Tuesday, Stormy Daniels testified at Donald Trump's hush money trial following attempts from his defense to block her from describing the specifics of their alleged sexual liaison. Shut up, nerds. We want to hear about the fucking or the lack thereof or the failed attempts.

Trump's team complained to Judge Juan Marchand. There's just no need for these kinds of details here. There's real questions about the credibility of this woman, but this case is a case about books and records. Yeah, the book is Kama Sutra for Mushroom Dick Dummies, and the record is Let's Get It On. Come on, let's hear about the nasty stuff. We're not here for the bookkeeping. This is just another example of Trump not letting a woman finish.

Prosecutors reassured the court, in terms of the sexual act, it will just be very basic. It's not going to involve descriptions of genitalia. They added, but, I mean, we have to admit, that's really, we want to know all those details, please. During her five-hour testimony, Daniels recounted spanking the future president with a rolled-up magazine and recalled them not using a condom. Yeah. Yeah.

Although it's not surprising it would be hard to get a condom to fit on a rolled up magazine. There you go. Now, this is relevant for the fraud case because in his itemized tax deductions, Trump listed one condom. Meanwhile, I feel I should put on a condom while just thinking about any of this.

As for the sex itself, Stormy said, I was staring up at the ceiling, wondering how I got there. I mean, this is how you know she's telling the truth. Every story about having sex with Trump sounds like this. There's always a freeze frame, a record scratch, and then the voiceover about wondering how they got there. The adult film star also attempted to make jokes during her testimony to lighten the mood. Unfortunately, according to the New York Times, they did not land.

In response, Judge Mershon threatened to sentence Daniels to UCB1 if she persisted. Although in her defense, what has two thumbs and stuck them both up Donald Trump's ass is a fun setup, but you know where it's going. Meanwhile, down in Florida, Judge Eileen Cannon indefinitely postponed the trial for Trump's... You people read the news, don't you?

She delayed the trial, postponed it for Trump's classified documents case, which was set to begin on May 20th. Apparently, the judge heard about the farts, decided it's not worth it. Cannon, who was appointed by Trump in 2020, said she wanted to resolve the case's various pending pretrial motions. The delay means Trump will most likely not go to trial for these specific charges until after the election.

Whoo, said Trump while reading this news from a different court where he is also on trial. Also in Florida, Barron Trump was chosen to be one of the state's delegates for the Republican National Committee in July, two months after he graduates high school. When reached for comment, former President Donald Trump said, I am so proud of Barron, my only son.

Barron's sort of doing the evil version of a gap year, but instead of backpacking, he's going to ruin the country. Although this young man is kind of everything that we wish Donald Trump had been. Barron.

Two weeks ago, President Biden signed a bill requiring TikTok be sold to an American-owned company or face a potential ban from U.S. app stores. Then on Tuesday, TikTok and its parent company, ByteDance, sued the federal government, claiming the law violates the First Amendment rights of its users.

Mr. President, please do not infringe on my personal liberty to lose hours of my precious life to process videos of a Finnish man cleaning windows in a way that I find pleasing. I need him. My family needs him. I don't know who I am without him.

The filing said, for the first time in history, Congress has enacted a law that subjects a single-name speech platform to a permanent nationwide ban. But that's probably only because my insurrection staging app, Gather, never made it past the prototype stage. I couldn't find funding. My mom said, no. No.

Columbia University canceled its main commencement ceremony this week in response to the ongoing student demonstrations against Israel's invasion of Gaza. In the end, Columbia called in the NYPD and hundreds of cops removed 46 students from a building on campus and arrested over 100 protesters. Meanwhile, students at Colombo University agreed to leave on their own but added, oh, but just one last thing.

According to the Associated Press, over 2,600 protesters have been arrested on 50 campuses since April 18th. And I just want to say college kids should not be arrested for speaking up about the horrors of war on the Quad. They should be arrested for selling a kilo of cocaine to the 19-year-old social chair of Delta Tau Delta in the week before spring formal. That's the America I want to return to. Kids dealing coke. LAUGHTER

To a more bright topic, Wednesday evening, Marjorie Taylor Greene initiated a vote to oust the Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson. While doing so, she received a huge boo. Office of Speaker of the House Representatives to be vacant.

Truly, every second Marjorie Taylor Greene spends not performing as a legendary heel in the WWE is a complete waste of her God-given talents. Like The Undertaker's daughter, maybe? I'd buy it. MTG's attempt to give Johnson the boot was quickly shot down with a 359-43 vote with 11 Republicans siding with Dems to block Greene's attack.

Said Marjorie later, boy, I have been booed like that since my kids learned I was getting custody. And maybe the most bizarre news of the week, earlier today, Dr. Phil announced a very special sit-down interview set to air Thursday night. My interview tonight from Jerusalem with Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is very important. I want to make this easy for people to see because I think it's very important and very informative.

I'm with you. It is so troubling to see such a monstrous demagogue who's caused so much human suffering casually sit down and do an interview with Netanyahu. The Ryan Gosling action comedy Fall Guy bottomed out at the box office, pulling in only $28 million in its first weekend. The financial flop gives Hollywood the weakest start to the summer blockbuster season since 1995.

And I just want to say, how am I going to break it to my kids that a movie based on Lee Major's second best show from the 80s isn't tearing up the box office? Meanwhile, Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace, was re-released into theaters and was so successful, it came in number two after Fall Guy above Challengers. Which sucks for Challengers because we know how much it was hoping to come in between those two.

Peacock has ordered a new mockumentary series set in the same universe as The Office. That's right, you guessed it. Get ready for a young Phyllis. The promise of the series is that the documentary crew that immortalized Dunder Mifflin's Scranton branch is in search of a new subject when they discover a dying Midwestern newspaper and the publisher trying to revive it with volunteer reporters.

And I would actually watch a show about this documentary crew and why their careers seem to have not progressed at all. Maybe get out of the Midwest, folks, and hold the camera still. Also this week, Universal dropped a new trailer for the Twister sequel, Twisters. And to get people really talking about it, they dropped it right on an unsuspecting town in Kansas.

The trailer confirmed some of the rulers and shed some light on the movie's title. This time around, there will be more than one tornado. Spoiler alert. In an interview this week, straight actor Nicholas Galatzy, and I'm going to go with that, said he feels bad for taking queer roles. For example, playing a gay prince in Red, White, and Royal Blue. But it's weird because in high school, he was voted most likely to play a gay prince. LAUGHTER

I got that one too. Said the idea of you, Star, I felt a sense of uncertainty sometimes about whether I'm taking up someone's space and perhaps guilt. At the same time, I see those characters as not solely their sexuality, which makes sense to me. I mean, as long as the jokes are funny and the crowd's having a good time, what should it matter who's straight? I mean, come on. What do you say, love it or leave it fans? Cishat can be hilarious.

This week after a devastating 2018 fire destroyed part of the National Museum of Brazil, Swiss-German collector Burkhard Pohl gifted the museum 1,100 Brazilian fossils for its collection. Fun fact, Brazilian fossils are just normal fossils, but just a little bit of pubic hair. Butthole clean as a whistle.

In Amsterdam, McDonald's revealed new billboards that smell like hot French fries. There it is. A photo of somebody sniffing a board. In response, In-N-Out revealed that their fries will still continue to taste like billboard. And not to be outdone, Taco Bell revealed billboards that smell like diarrhea. Taco Bell, come on. I love it, but it's punitive.

According to Adweek, the billboards smell like hot French fries because they contain an internal heat source and actual French fries. Best of all, in a week or two, they'll be able to reuse the billboards to advertise hot rat shit. I really hope Joe Biden will call me because I finally figured out how to beat Donald Trump at his own game.

And finally, after several lawsuits, Panera Bread has decided to discontinue their hyper-caffeinated lemonade that has killed two people. But they are pleased to announce the latest addition to their menu, a gun and a bread bowl. Next, we have a little segment that we are calling America's Least Wanted. Puts me on edge.

This week's GOP failson, it's Tim Sheehy. This election season, Republicans in Montana are looking to knock out Senator John Tester, the only Democrat to hold statewide office there, and he's also got one of the finest flat tops we've ever seen, in an election that could determine control of the upper chamber. And they think they've got just the square-headed man for the job, Tim Sheehy.

Sheehy wants voters to know just how tough he is, and not just because he looks like a microwave Jesse Plemons who is an evil Fortune 500 CEO with chronic constipation.

A big part of Xi's tough guy self-mythology on the campaign trail is a bullet he says is still stuck in his arm from serving in Afghanistan. And he talks about it a lot. Big deal, Tim. I have a piece of undigested ham stuck in my bridge work, and I don't crow about it, and it's gross. It's gross. It's gross.

But Tim can't keep his story straight about where he got the bullet. Back in October of 2015, he told a park ranger at Montana's Glacier National Park that he accidentally shot himself in the arm that day when he dropped his gun as he was loading it. I mean, come on. We've all been there. Who among us hasn't been out in God's perfect creation and accidentally fired off a round into our own fucking arm? All right, yeah, none of us have done that.

Now she is saying what he told the park ranger was a lie to protect his fellow seals because he actually suffered the bullet wound in 2012 and he wasn't sure if it was from enemy fire or friendly fire. He reports this in his 2023 memoir, Mud Slingers, but he can't make up his mind about how many times he was shot, asserting that he was hit by multiple bullets in one passage and then just one bullet in another passage.

And look, I never served in the military and I get it. Math is very hard. But I do pride myself in being able to say with great certainty the number of times I've been shot and by whom and whether or not they were family members. But, you know, that's not the only thing that's deeply creepy about Sheehy. Despite railing against Biden's handling of border security, the man has on at least three occasions told supporters he wants to get rid of the Department of Homeland Security.

He also wants to get rid of the Department of Education because education makes you read books and books make you gay and make people ask dumb questions like, well, wait, how did you get shot? That doesn't add up. She is also extremely pro-gun and opposes any form of gun control. And he's especially supportive of your right to shoot yourself in a national park or for one of your platoon mates to shoot you, whichever you think sounds more believable.

Tim also said he wants to return healthcare to pure privatization. So, you know, when you shoot yourself in the arm, your surgeon will be the invisible hand of the free market.

On the topic of abortion, she has been cagey, but has repeatedly called abortion murder in the past and was endorsed by Susan B. Anthony Pro-Life America, a group that has pledged to only support candidates who support a full national abortion ban. So does this guy have a shot at the Senate seat? He's been endorsed by Donald Trump. So the question really is, Montana, do you want your state in a set of capable hands?

Or in a set of hands that bobbled a Colt 44 like a children's party clown. And maybe that clown was juggling a bunch of Colt 44s. This is Montana we're talking about. Who knows what people do over there? Well, either way, if you want to make sure this guy and other guys exactly like him don't get into office, then head over to votesaveamerica.com 2024 to save democracy. This has been America's Least Wanted.

Coming up next, please, I'm begging you, help an old white man out, will you? Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Each year, the International Rescue Committee's Emergency Watchlist Report assesses the 20 countries at greatest risk of new or worsening humanitarian emergencies. These countries are home to only 10.6% of the world's population, but carry a disproportionate burden of global humanitarian crisis. The civil war in Sudan has left over 24 million in need of humanitarian aid.

while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises

with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis, and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. And I walk pundit. I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Ha ha ha!

Healthy, very healthy call. That's real. That's real. Sorry, Dr. Christie, I can't do therapy. I got to go on Anderson Cooper. You can watch. I'll be saying the same things I'll be saying to you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash love it to get 10% off your first month

Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it.

Feeling overwhelmed by the relentless news cycle? Want to discuss important issues with fellow political junkies? Look no further than Crooked's friend of the pod, Discord. It's like group therapy for people who binge on breaking news instead of Netflix.

Look, we get it. As this summer's political and legal rollercoaster continues, we'll need to take advantage of every self-care hack we can think of. That's why Friends of the Pod will be hosting live chats for subscribers during the upcoming DNC and RNC, where subscribers can share opinions, laugh, cry, react with emojis in real time, and support each other through the chaos. Much better than breathing into a paper bag in front of your screens.

in our opinion. So join now. You won't regret it unless you hate fun. Subscribe to the Friends of the Pod community only at cricket.com slash friends. We will see you there. All right, folks. Thank you so much. Now, please welcome to the stage my first guest, the hilarious Yamanika Saunders and the uproarious Jared Goldstein. Thanks for having us. Thank you for being here.

Now, you guys are both here because you're doing the Netflix is a joke festival. How is that going?

I'm bombing all over. Really? No. Oh, okay, good. I actually like crushing. It's really fun. So we'll plug where you're going to be. I'm going to be at the Drag Brunch on Sunday. Yes, it's at Outside Jokes at the Palladium. And then Sunday night, I'm headlining the Improv Lab. And that's what I'm doing. Okay.

Yamanika, what are you doing for the festival? I did my show already at the store for the Barbie show. I did it on Monday. Nice. The rest of the time here, I've just been prepping for my Sirius XM show that comes out June 4th. What's that going to be? Yeah. It's called Off Topic with Yamanika. It's going to be on Kevin Hart's LOL Radio.

Nice. And you said, when's it coming out? June 4th. June 4th. Nice. Have you taped any or is it going to be a live show? It will be a live show, but we've done some rehearsals and tests to see how it goes. And it's going well? Or are you in way over your head? Oh my God, I'm drowning. I'm drowning. No, I mean, listen, I don't want to say anything until things...

are what they are, but I have faith in the show. Nice. It's a fun place to work. I like it over there. It's a good feeling. Did you guys get to go to the big Ted Sarandos party for the Netflix? Apparently there was a big, I heard from people, there was a big party in Ted Sarandos' front yard. Oh.

For this festival. This is the first I'm hearing of it. Oh, well. You're my news source. You missed it. Damn. But you just take solace in the fact that he only let him in the front yard. You're not going to let comedians in the backyard. That means they might use the downstairs bathroom and you don't want that. I know a rich gay guy who has two houses and one of them is for parties. Do you know who I'm talking about? Nobody.

Look, we all know gay people, lady. Does she want to come up here? How do you guys feel about, I mean, and this isn't just an observation that I made. It just seems like stand-up comedy, at least what you see on your computer now, is just crowd work on TikToks.

I mean, why is it so much crowd work? Why is everybody just does the crowd work? Listen, people don't want to lose any material. They want you to pay for the goods. But I wish it wasn't so much crowd work because then people come to shows and they think it's all about them and somebody talking to them. And they get a rude awakening when they come to see my show. I also wish that it wasn't so much crowd work because I am bad at it.

Do you both get hecklers now because of this sort of open dialogue sort of notion? You know, I sort of have never had true hecklers, like ever. Is that weird?

Yeah. Like, yeah, I don't know. I feel like I started, like, nine years ago, and I feel like... I don't know. I feel like the idea of a heckler is, like, this kind of, like, 80s thing. Right, right. I think most people... I haven't had anyone, like, really come after me or say anything crazy to me. Usually, like, the heckling I get is, like, someone who is, like, probably a little bit drunk and a little too excited and a little bit too, like, they think it's a participation thing. Yeah, yeah. Which is...

in a way, really difficult to handle because they're being nice and, like, kind of shutting it down feels, like, rude and I'm afraid of, like, losing other people by, like, admonishing someone who's excited to be there. That's kind of more the heckling I have to deal with. I see. Yeah. And, Yamanika, how did you learn how to deal with hecklers? Or was it built in? There's so many things going on right now because, one, you saying heckling is an 80s thing. Is that crazy? I might be crazy. I'm probably wrong. Yeah, like, heck...

A homeless man heckled me on the way up here. I don't know. You also seem quite positive because you're concerned, you know, about what's going on and you're trying to get their backstory. If somebody even sneezes during my show, I'm going to cuss them out. Yeah, be quiet. Okay.

Shut down your body until this is over. Well, I guess if I open heckling up to sneezing, I've been heckled. I guess laughter would be okay though, wouldn't it? Or do you have people so on edge? No, I'm like, you better not laugh. No, I'm listen. You know, I don't like, if you heckle me, once you see my act,

You crazy, I'm crazy, right? So it might be a relative of mine. Because I don't think any sane person would do it. Sometimes people do, you know? But I feel like the type of heckling and laughter is also a thing. You know, like, it was so funny. I don't know how many people are going to know this because a lot of white people here. But there's a... I noticed that, too. LAUGHTER

I'm like a little scared for black people. But as a pastor, I forget his name. He's married to Shaquille O'Neal's wife.

ex-wife, right? And so he just shut somebody down during the service that was praising, you know, doing what seemed like praising to God and all that. And he told them, be quiet. And people were like, well, why would you do that? This person seems to be praising God. And he said, well, I know the difference between praising God and just being a disturbance. So sometimes people like laugh and they're obnoxious with it. People are like, why would you stop that person from laughing? Because they being an asshole and they know they don't laugh like that and they know this shit ain't that damn funny. You know what I'm saying? So...

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good thing to tell a crowd, look, I know that wasn't that funny. Calm down. Yeah, yeah, calm down. This is not about you. Do you ever, like, sometimes, like, early in a set, people will be really warm and they're laughing, and I'm insecure, and I'm like, oh, they're just being nice. Like, this isn't even that funny. And then, like, a little later in the set, like, I will start to actually bomb, and I'm like, oh, no, they're actually not nice. I was being funny, and now I'm not.

But like in the beginning when it was good, I was like, they're just faking it. And then I'm like, oh, fuck. No, no. Now that no, they're not faking it. I have that sometimes. Well, it's good. It's good that you know. Yeah, it is nice. Yeah, the blossoming of self-knowledge is really beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, well, guys, I didn't invite you here just to chat. Oh, no? I actually need your help. This is sort of, they told me that in keeping with John's normal sort of rap that he gets on this show is that he's old and out of touch.

I'm a lot older than him. So I have a list of topics that I need you guys to explain to me. And, you know, if you can't explain a particular topic, just say pass because I am so terrified. I have a library's worth of questions for both of you. You're about to get canceled.

Be careful. Honestly, I spend a lot of time at home, so cancellation would not. I would get more done on the house, frankly. Well, we're calling this segment Help an Old White Man Out. Are you guys ready? Oh, yeah. Look, they made a graphic. Oh, my God.

I love how I'm thin. Thank God. Finally. But why the hell am I a nurse's aide? Oh, because we're helping you out. Because you're helping. Yeah, you're both medical professionals. We look good. This looks like a show. No, you look like the doctor and I look like I'm taking his intake patient information. Well, I can say I've been on a lot of Opec in that. Me too. All right. This is one that I heard...

You know, the Met Gala, however you say it. I listened to some of this sort of, you know, the play-by-play of it, and everything was, it's giving this. Like, this outfit is giving movie star. This outfit is giving... Or, like, the story of this outfit, which I'm like...

A dress does not tell a story. Even if you're dressed like Little Bo Peep, it doesn't tell, like, a fucking story. A story is a story. You know? You love the Met Gala, yeah, because they got themes and stuff. Yeah, yeah. You know? But I think whatever they got going on and the fact that it's giving, it's giving is where you're getting hung up. Like, what does that mean? Yeah, like, why not just, you know, this looks... You're giving something. You know, it's like you're giving, like, remember when all the white people gave the Native American smallpox? Yeah.

I remember that. Yeah, it's giving, right? I was against that, though. I was against. I said, can't we just give them blankets? Just regular blankets? Would that be so bad? They're blankets. All right, here, let's move on. Let's move off the smallpox. We got it. In my experience, it's a comedy killer.

Let's go to the movie Challengers. Yeah. Now, back in my day, menage a trois with two guys and a lady was called the devil's threesome. But we're probably past that point in history. Now, what's up with all this polyamory? You know, like I hear about that and it just seems...

I just don't understand why anyone would want to disappoint more than one person at a time. Yeah. You know. I've never been polyamorous. I don't know how anyone has the time to be in more than one. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, Manika, do you have a feeling on polyamory at all? I mean, I'm 45 now, so I'm going to get whatever amory...

I can get amaranth. And you know what? Now that you mention it, polyamory does sound a little bit like parrot fucking. All right.

What is Riz? I see it all. I don't know what the fuck it is. They had it in like some of the notes for this thing and they're like, somebody has Riz. Like the Kennedy cousin or whatever. It's like he has Riz. Oh, yeah. What is Riz? It's short for charisma. Oh. He's got charisma. Riz. Are we really in that big a hurry these days? Right. Yeah. That we can't have, you know, like two. And charisma's a fun word. Yeah. Charisma. Right, exactly. Charisma carpenter even. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Woo! Woo!

Yeah, well, that's an easy one. Riz. I didn't know that. Riz? You didn't know that? Riz, yeah. Riz. I guess it's a TikTok thing. I don't know. That's so dumb. Yeah. Because just get rid of charisma if you don't want to use the whole word. Right. I also think fire is dumb. Everyone says fire instead of cool now. That's fire. That's fire. That's fire. I'm still on cool. I don't know. I think it's dumb.

Maybe you need to add another old black bitch to the title over here. I don't know. The last three things, I don't really know what's happening. All right. We'll have to change the graphics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be you and I having tapioca pudding together. That's right. Watching Matlock together. Yeah.

All right. I mean, it's been in the news a lot. There's this rap beef that everyone's been talking about. And of course, I'm talking about Macklemore's new protest song against the U.S. government. Are we still making fun of Macklemore? Aren't we? Okay, good. We've taken a vote. Have you heard this? He's out against the U.S. government.

It seems a little desperate to me. Wait, this is real? Yeah, it's real. Oh, okay. You thought he was really going to say Drake and... Yeah, I thought this was a joke. No, no. Macklemore apparently has a song out that's like about the government's handling of... Is it Gaza? Is that what it is? Yeah, yeah. Good for him. Yeah, yeah. Good for him, you know. You think that's the first one to do that?

No, no, no. First rapper? Yeah, yeah. No, no. I don't think he's the first one to do that, but it does seem... It's the first Macklemore song I've heard about in a long time, so... Yeah. That means he must have gotten a publicist. Yeah, because I'm thinking, when you said Macklemore, it did take me a minute. First, it sounded like you said Macklero or some shit like that, so I was like, who's that? I have a thick tongue. No, no, no. Can we see that? Is it the...

Yeah, you can put some ketchup and mayo on that thing. 22 slices of bread, okay? All I can say is my wife only has a few complaints.

No, seriously. Of course, I was referring to the Kendrick Lamar versus Drake beef. I don't have a fucking clue as to what that's about. Like, how did that start? They don't like Drake because Drake, not from America. He's from Canada. He's from Canada. Don't nobody like anybody from Canada. You know what I'm saying? He was on Degrassi.

Yeah, right. He was Jimmy on Degrassi. Right. How you went from a wheelchair to rapping in America was wild. Yeah, yeah. Also, the thing I love, his first name is Aubrey. Right. Oh, so you do know something. I know that much about Drake. I know Degrassi. I know Canadian teen dramas. That's what I know. Oh, okay, okay. But I do not know. It sounds like you know more about Drake and Malcolm more than I do. I didn't even know that was a song yet. I've learned so much this week.

from putting together this show. Let's call this segment Help an Extremely Young Gay Asian Jewish Man Out. Yes!

We're all being, this is people helping people, really. Oh my God, that's beautiful. We are going to be turning into challengers. We're going to have to. Get in the middle, get in the middle, get in the middle. I wish I would get up. All the amory. Okay, let's see. What else do I have here?

I know this is a topic near and dear to your heart, Jared. I can read it for you. Would that help? Okay. Oh my God, this is... Okay. This is feeding you here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is kind of a problem. Why are men's bags so big nowadays?

Okay. Are you noticing this? Bags in general, they're big. They used to be tiny. Tiny was popular and now we're swinging the other way and now they're really big. And it's just frustrating for me because I don't actually need a big bag. I have like my phone, my AirPods and like Chapstick in there. So if I got this big bag now, I,

Nothing's gonna go in there. Or if I do fill it up, I have like a neck and I have a shoulder and I have like a C4 issue and I can't be carrying around like a big giant bag. And I just see, I see guys on the subway, like just perfectly dressed, very, very cool with like a giant, giant duffel filled. And it's filled almost like it's filled with paper because it's filled perfect.

It's like perfectly cylindrical. And I swear, I want to be like, open it. Show me what's inside of it right now. Show me what's in that duffel bag. And I'm just trying to, I'm just bummed because I bought like 15 little bags and now I... I feel like I'm like choogy or something for having a little bag. This is not resonating with no one. Okay.

You live in New York? No, but I'm there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you see a lot of fashion in New York and there's just a lot of bags and a lot of people on the move. Look, I don't have a boyfriend or a job, so I'm like, I don't have to put anything in there. Right, right. What do I need a bag for? I'm like...

Yeah, I just feel like in L.A., your car is your bag. Yes, that as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, and mine is hilarious. I have salt and pepper packets in the little arm well. And my wife thinks it's hilarious. And I have Band-Aids. I have a toothbrush. I am ready for the shit to go down. I will head to the hills.

And I will have salt and pepper and ketchup packets. I have a mustard packet that I keep in a bag. For? I've never used it. Self-defense? Yeah. You know, are you done? I'm done. Sure. No! I think shoes should be tiny too. Because I was like, I live in New York. I live in Harlem.

I've been in New York 25 years. This large bag crisis y'all talking about, I ain't seen it. I definitely, if you see a man with a large bag running around New York City, he done robbed somebody. You know, or it's a cover for his shopping cart. There's no reason for a man to have a large bag.

It might be full of pashminas he's going to sell on the street. Again, robbing. You know what I mean? What's he doing with that? You know? Yeah. Well, guys, thank you so much for... I don't know if anyone learned anything, but we certainly passed the time. We learned a lot about you doing this. I mean, I'm not ashamed. We saw the inside of your mouth.

This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine. All right, great. Well, thank you, Yamanika and Jared. Off Topic with Yamanika premieres on SiriusXM on June 4th. And go see Jared at the Hollywood Improv on May 12th. Up next, we've got a real stinker on our hands. Thank you. Thank you, guys. It's great. It's great.

All right, folks, moving right along. We mentioned it briefly during the monologue, but the Internet is abuzz about MAGA voters allegedly declaring their love for Donald Trump by embracing a new symbol of their reverence, the adult diaper.

Now, we weren't sure what to make of it, so we put out a call for any member of the right who finds himself sitting on a plastic cloud to join us for an open and honest conversation. And we got one taker. Please welcome to the stage the actual founder of Diapers Over Dems, Herman J. Pamper. Herman? Hello, Herman. Hello, Hollywood liberals.

Hello, hello. How's it going? Great to be here. Thank you. Have a seat. Oh, this is a room full of toilet users if I ever saw one. God damn, Hollywood. Hollywood. You're okay there sitting in that? I didn't hear any squishing. I'm very comfortable. I could sit on any seat no matter how hard. Nice. All right, well, I have to ask right off the top, Herman. The last name Pamper, is that a coincidence or is there a familial lineage to the diapers?

I don't understand what you're talking about. My last name isn't diapers. Pampers. What? Diapers, Pampers. Oh, my last name is Pamper. It has nothing to do with it. There's no S on the end of my last name. All right. I see what you're saying. I understand. No, there's no connection. Wow, what a crazy coincidence. Why is that a crazy coincidence? Just because you are part of a diaper, a pro diaper organization, and your last name is Pamper. There's lots of different companies that make diapers.

Yeah, but your last name isn't Huggy. Well, what if it was? That too would be ironic. My last name is Pamper and I wear a diaper by choice. I don't know what part of that is confusing to you. Now, have you been wearing one for a long time or did you just start once former President Trump started wearing them? Or was it starting to be rumored to be wearing them? He wears them.

You're sure about that? Absolutely, absolutely. That's why I wear them my own self. Here's what happens. This is one of those things you liberals just don't understand about us. I love a story. Okay.

If there's something about Donald Trump that you all start to make fun of or criticize or whatever, we go ahead and we own it. You get him a mug shot down there in Georgia, we'll put it on a goddamn coffee mug. Hey, I just got that. Mug shot on a mug. Yeah. That's funny. I never said it out loud before. You've just been making money off it. Yeah, it's a mug shot mug. That's smarter than I thought. That is good. Anyway.

You say, oh, it's bad. He's got a mugshot. He's been arrested. We say, oh, watch me. Make a million dollars on mugshot mugs, man. Wow. Likewise with diapers. You try to say, oh, Donald Trump, let's make fun of him because the man shits and pisses wherever and whenever he is. Right. Well, we're owning it now. We're normalizing it and we're making it a thing.

Every true Republican I know now is wearing a diaper. Are you also, like, having multiple bankruptcies and things like that? Like, are you trying to follow in his footsteps no matter how? One thing at a time. Okay. Okay.

Do you plan on burying an ex-wife on a golf course? Not even on the golf course. In like an area where they compost. You're going to do that too? Well, if I could, if I owned a golf course, I'd bury any number of my wives there. But that is a serious thing. When you get married, one of the things in the prenup is you got to say, I have the right to determine where you'll be buried. Right.

Even if we get divorced. Right, right. Wow, that is... You are forward thinking. Insist on that. You are really forward thinking. Yeah, because that's a great way to stick it to him in the very end. I notice you're not wearing a lot of makeup. Why would I? Well, because Donald Trump wears a lot. No, he doesn't. He gets a lot of sun and it has a peculiar effect on his skin that it wouldn't necessarily have on anybody else's skin. That Florida sun that turns you into a terracotta pot.

Have you ever been down to Florida? I didn't think so. You didn't give me a chance to answer. But not in a long time. Fearlessly, I told you. Now, was this a campaign inspired by Trump allegedly farting in court? Like, is that when you guys started to... Why do you say allegedly? He farts in court.

Is that part of the can-do spirit that you like about the guy? I love it. Yeah, he just... I love it. He doesn't follow the rules. He makes the rules. That's exactly right. What are you supposed to do? Go to the bathroom to fart? Come on now. That's a whole different movement. That's a whole different group. We're diapers. You said movement. I don't understand why that's what I'm saying. Oh, boy.

Wear diapers over dims. I understand. There's a group called Fartin' on Libs. And that's a different group. And this is a group, they eat a high gassy diet. Right. And then they go to a place where liberals might be. Yeah, yeah. Expensive coffee shop.

Bicycle repair. Right, right. Moby's tea shop. Yeah. No, I'm talking one of those places where you bring your bicycle and there's a collective of people fixing bicycles. That's what I'm talking about. A bicycle repair collective. Infuriating. Ridiculous. Oh, boy. An eco village. They go to places like this having had a high gas diet. Right. Your beans, your broccoli. Sure. And then they just fart on lips. Wow. Wow.

That's just a way of owning. You try to make fun of Donald Trump for farting in court. He knows where he is, Manhattan. He's farting on libs. Wow. Now, has it been hard to convince your fellow Trump supporters to wear diapers, which they then evacuate their bowels and bladders into? Actually, it has been fantastically easy. Really? Really.

I was surprised, too. But you know what it is? We put Donald Trump's face on it, and they'll take anything. Wow. Is it on the outside or the inside of the diaper? Wow. Put it on both sides. All around. There's four of them. You figure it out. We got...

But, you know, it seems like a lot of people have thought about it before. Because a lot of the times, we'll hand them out at rallies, you know. Yeah, sure. And they'll say, I've been thinking about making this change to my life. What a pain in the ass to have to go to the bathroom, right? Right, sure. I tell you, it's so much better. And you know what's happened to me? It's kind of a miracle. I no longer know when I need to pee or poo. Right?

Do you know what I mean? I guess. It just happens. Right. And at some point, somebody, one of my friends will say, I think you've gone in your pants. And I'll check and they're right. But I didn't even, I wasn't even aware of it. Right. It's just been a wonderful new facet of my life because it's freed up my mind to think about so many other things. Right.

I have not seen the inside of a bathroom in two years. They tell me, well, now their bathrooms are no gender, all gender, gender, gender. I don't know nothing about it. Wow. And it also, it seems to, you know, it brings your friends closer. Your friends are getting very involved with you. Yeah, yeah. That's part of the movement. Yeah.

Oh, boy, you said it again. I see what you're saying. You see what I mean? Now I get it. Now I understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because people call that a bowel movement. They sure do. All right. They sure do. But I don't know what else to call us. We're a movement. It's a problem. But anyway, in this movement, we help each other out. It's a real fellowship where we'll say to one another, I think you've got a shit in your pants. Yeah.

We just lean on one another. It's quite beautiful. But isn't part of not caring, not caring? And just, you know, going on. I mean, because, you know, President Trump, I mean, former Representative Kinzinger said that he smells really bad. And he's surprised that people haven't mentioned that before. And then he smells like a combination of armpit, butt, and makeup.

Like the smell of makeup and enough makeup to override butt and armpit. That's a lot of makeup. It's not overriding it, but it's in there. Oh, it's just, yeah. All right, I get it. It's part of the melange. I think that sounds like a wonderful smell. As a matter of fact, some of us have been trying to get it as a scent to bottle it up, call it the, you know, ode to Trump, something like that. Very nice. Thank you.

Got one clap. I did. I appreciate it. On to the lady that knows gays. Oh, yeah? I'm not surprised. Hollywood. Hollywood. Some call it Holly weird. I've heard that before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was your question, though? Did you have a question for me? I don't even really remember, honestly. I was just standing back there, and I heard my name.

Don't blame me. What's your outreach been like? I mean, do you have a campaign that you set up at the rallies, at the Trump rallies? Because I imagine Trump rallies are the real sweet spot. Yeah. Well, our goal is for every single person in a Trump rally to be wearing an adult diaper. Wow. And we're getting there. Wow. And summer's coming. What's your point?

You think it's different to wear a diaper in the summertime? I do. Well, all right. I do. I will mention that adult diaper rash is a thing. I will concede that it does happen. But again, probably a bonding experience for you guys. Yeah, sure. We talk about different ways of treating our rashes. Now...

I was looking at some photos of some of Trump's rallies recently. Oh, diaper rations? As I do in my spare time. I really have nothing else to do. Once I finished Shogun, it was...

Trump rally photo looking. I couldn't get past the man being boiled alive. Oh, you got to power through that. That was it for me. Really? Yes, it was. You checked out after that. I thought it was going to be a show about people showing their guns. Wow. It ain't that at all. It sure isn't. No, it certainly isn't.

Well, we have some photos here from some people at some Trump rallies, and I'm just wondering if you can help us out and tell us if you think these people are wearing diapers or whether they're not. Oh, well, absolutely. I mean, maybe some of them are your followers. It could vary at least, but probably I know. Right, right, right. All right. Up first. You're going to come up over there? Yes. Yes.

Okay, there's a woman right there. She's joyfully holding up her arms in North Carolina. That's the contentedness of a woman in a diaper. Okay.

I think she's just letting rip right there. She's letting it rip. And of course she is. Wow. She's surrounded by all these people. Think of how hard it would be to get into a bathroom. Now, granted, the line for the men's room looks like it's going to be longer than for the women's room here. But still in all. What a turnaround. Yeah, yeah. It'd be a pain in the neck to get to a bathroom from there. So she's just saying, hot dog, I'm doing it. Right here, right now. Look at her go. Yeah. Good for her. Couldn't be happier. I guess. Yeah. Uh.

Now next, we've got a couple. A couple. In MAGA hats. What makes you say ew about that? It's two beautiful young people making out in their Make America Great Again hats. Sure. That's hard. They've got to arrange the bills.

just so they can get their lips to one another. They do. They do. Now, do you think... Now, see, these people are sitting in the front row. Do you think they're diapered up? Maybe they would have easy access to the bathroom. No. Well, I'd say they're diapered up. Yeah. They might be... Actually, they might be smelling each other. It could be a little couple smell check. Yeah. Could be a whisper of like, honey, I think you left me a present. Yeah.

Something like that. I like them. I like the idea of the two of them just taking a dump where they sit. All right, now how about these two buddies here? This is at a Wisconsin rally. Uh-huh. They're out in the rain. Yep. Now, why wouldn't you use the excuse to go to the bathroom to get out of the rain? I'd rather be in God's rain than a bathroom. All right. I love it.

One of them doesn't look too happy about it, though. You think they're both diaper wearers, though, for sure? Nope, I'll tell you exactly what's going on. The one on the right, the fellow who's smiling, he's got a diaper on. Okay. The other one is trying to figure out when am I going to have a chance to go to the goddamn bathroom. That's what's happening there. Wow, okay. But he must have drank a lot of Budweiser to get that jacket. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

All right, next, here's a normal enough looking woman at a Trump rally. Uh-huh. She has a Trump one, save America. Now, does this woman have a deuce in her drawers? Well, no, this is a different situation. This woman is nude from the waist down. Is that something Trump does? Does Trump porky pig it around town? Is that catching on?

Yeah, he does that. He does that, yeah, yeah. But that is a rumor, and that is alleged. Alleged. He alleged Porky Pig's in around town, as you say. But no, that might just kind of be her own thing. That is an awful, awful picture. I mean, and I have no room to talk about, you know, unattractive Porky Pig in it, but I mean, at least I have a winning personality. As opposed to who? Who?

Uh, nevermind. I'll tell, um, finally, uh, here's a MAGA supporter at a New Hampshire rally. Wow. He is of course wearing a huge mask of Trump's face and eating a loose hamburger. Is that guy one of yours? I don't know. I can't see. Oh, I see. It's camouflage. Oh, cause he has the camouflage pants. I didn't see his pants there at first. I had a hard time. Yeah. It was camouflage. Uh,

No, I think that's a fella who's walking around going, all right, I got a hamburger. Now, where am I going to get a diaper?

Doesn't that look like... Wouldn't you be there? Aren't you there? Like, you know, with a table? I don't know where this one is. I can't make it to all of them. You know. Wait, here, I think I had it. You do? You know where this one is? New Hampshire. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. No, I don't go up to the goddamn northeast. Really? Yeah, fuck that. They call it New England as if the old one wasn't bad enough.

You have a point. Thank you. I don't know what it is, but I'm assuming you have a point. Now, have you evacuated at any point during this interview? I have no idea. Really? I don't know what's going on. It smells like maybe. Well. Yeah. Well. Yeah. Well, is there really, like, you went up,

through this far in your life without wearing adult diapers, then Donald Trump, you know, inspired you to start. Is there really no part of you that finds this unappealing in some way? To who? To yourself. No, I absolutely love it. You love wearing shit pants. They're not always shit pants. When I put them on, they're nothing pants. And then...

First, they do become pee pants. Sure. Typically. Typically. And then at some point, they might be, yeah, well, they will become poo pants. And then I take them off and I change them into another pair of nothing pants. Is this in fact making America great? Yeah, I think it is.

Listen, don't ask me to explain how. It's a complicated process. But I think America will become great through this process of people forgetting all about it. Because it's one of those things liberals say, now we've got the bathrooms and the genders, and we say, you can have them. The bathrooms are all yours, liberals. Wow. Isn't that conceding defeat? No, that's saying, we didn't like the bathroom anyway.

Those are the stinkiest room anywhere. You have them. Those are for you liberals. Enjoy your bathroom. And you're taking the stink to the streets, right? That's right. You know Republicans' houses these days are being built without bathrooms. You know that, right?

Wow, I did not know that. Yep, that's the truth. And they were saving a lot of money on plumbing, everything else. I'm putting all that money into mugshot mugs. Wow. Wow. It's got to be fun for the sanitation departments of your towns. Why? Because there's just huge piles of diapers now. Yeah. Soiled adult diapers. Okay, sure. What's the problem? Have you heard of the brain worm that RFK had?

I did hear about that brain worm. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You ever think maybe you might have one yourself? That I might have one myself? Not to be too judgmental. It's very, very rare that I see a brain, that I see a worm crawl out of my ear. But it does happen. It's rare.

All right. Two a year at most. OK, that's good. Is there anything that you'd like the listeners at home to take away from this conversation? I mean, what are you hoping to gain from this whole thing? Well, I just want everybody to understand that it's perfectly fine and normal to have a president, a wonderful president who shits and pisses behind the resolute desk.

In the Oval Office, in his pants, and that's going to be the best way to make America great again. Okay, well, thank you, Andy Daly. I mean, Herman. What? Herman Pamper. Herman Pamper. Let's give it up for him, folks. Andy Daly. It's really Andy Daly. When we come back, it's time for the Rat Wheel. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way.

Feeling overwhelmed by the relentless news cycle? Want to discuss important issues with fellow political junkies? Look no further than Crooked's friend of the pod, Discord. It's like group therapy for people who binge on breaking news instead of Netflix.

Look, we get it. As this summer's political and legal rollercoaster continues, we'll need to take advantage of every self-care hack we can think of. That's why Friends of the Pod will be hosting live chats for subscribers during the upcoming DNC and RNC, where subscribers can share opinions, laugh, cry, react with emojis in real time, and support each other through the chaos. Much better than breathing into a paper bag in front of your screens.

in our opinion. So join now. You won't regret it unless you hate fun. Subscribe to the Friends of the Pod community only at cricket.com slash friends. We will see you there. All right. I'd like to welcome Yamanika and Jared back to the stage for the rant wheel. Thanks for coming back out. Now we put a minute on the timer. Each of us is going to rant about something that's really got our goat. Let's spin the wheel.

Now, when it gets your turn. I never get picked first for nothing. Just the one thing. You want me to rant about something? Yeah, sure. Why not? We're all here. Might as well. Yeah. I'm going to rant about how cold it is for Los Angeles. That's wild. I just left New York. I've been freezing since I got here. And I don't know why.

I don't know if it's because y'all cleared up the smog or what's happening here. Maybe we need another earthquake to shake shit up. But I am freezing. I'm freezing like a skinny white woman in front of avocado toast. I need heat, you know? That's my rant. I need heat. What happened to the California sun, huh? Y'all fucked it up since the time I came back here last?

You messed up the sun? Where's the sun? Why is it so dark in here? Right? There's not one, not nothing. The mic not hot. The equipment they run is not heating up nothing. The lights is cold.

It's just like, I just feel like an old leftover piece of chicken at Ralph's. You know, just clinging on to what little piece of light I can get, hoping that some fat man takes me home before they close up shop. That's my love life. And that's also me as a piece of chicken under lights at Ralph's.

All right, well, thank you, Yannick. I was actually sitting here waiting for a timer to go off, and I heard, no, no, it's up to you. Because I was thinking, that is a long minute. Oh, it was a minute? Oh, I don't listen to white men. I'm sorry. Listen, we are coming back. Trust me.

Yeah, we had a good for a long time, but we're coming back. All right, let's spin that wheel again, see who goes next. Oh, it's me. Yay for me. Okay, here's the thing that I, I mean, I'm a very content person, so it was really hard for me to come up with something to rant against. But this is a thing that, and I don't even know why it makes me so mad.

But I see it sometimes with stand-up comedians. I see it sometimes with people who are giving some kind of public speaking. But it makes me crazy when people's speaker notes are on their phone. When they start being like, you know, here it's time for my TED Talk. And I'm like, you know, get out the phone and start scrolling. It makes me crazy because the phone is like...

That's your silly place. Like, you should not... Like, the phone is a ridiculous thing. Like, it should be shameful that you're looking at it. You shouldn't be looking at it for your ideas that you've cataloged. Write it down on a piece of paper. No one wants to hear you eulogize your Aunt Denise by looking at your fucking Google phone. Write it down, people. And paper. Paper.

All right. Since it's up to me to say when the minute's over, the minute's over. Let's spin it again. This is very scientific, by the way. Oh, there he is. Does a rant have to be negative? No, you just talk for a while. Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, sure. Look, all right, I'm not going to buy a Cybertruck. I'm never going to own one. Was it in question?

Oh, people ask me every day. But you know why I am delighted when I see one? It's a ridiculous car. Of course it looks like an intergalactic troop transport. You know, and it's bulletproof. It's bulletproof.

But people make fun of the car, you know, and I don't know what the rep is on the car, that it's what, it's stupidly expensive and ugly and whatever. But man, every time we see one, everyone, like me and my kids and my wife, they go, a Cybertruck! We get so excited! Because, and the person driving it, you just have so many questions. Yeah.

Who are they? What were they thinking? Why? What did they make this decision? How did they feel about all the attention they're getting? This is just a regular person who now is driving a crazy car. So I would like to say, probably, I don't know if there's a single Cybertruck anywhere outside of California. My parents came from New Jersey recently, and they were also so excited. It was like they saw a celebrity. Yeah. Yeah.

So, but it's coming wherever you live. The early adopters of your community will get into it and it's just a delightful sight. Well, there is one. Yes, give it up for him. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

Being pro-anti-cyber drug. There is one at the Century City. I guess there's a Tesla showroom and there's a cyber drug there because I did an event there. I moderated a four-year consideration event for the show Monk, which I was like, sure, I'll do that. I was on the show Monk. I got to murder someone. You were the monk? No, no, no.

I got to pistol whip someone. But it was at the Century City Mall. And it was in the middle of the mall. Oh, what fun. It was like Q&A with the cast of Monk. And there was a Cybertruck sitting there the whole time right outside. And I was so, you know, there's Banana Republic on one side and a Cybertruck on the other. Can you sit on its lap? No, I don't.

No, I didn't go in. I was scared. I'll say this. I went on YouTube to find... I wanted to see what the interior of the Cybertruck looks like. It's no big deal, but...

While I was on there, I saw, I don't know if this is true of every car, but there's video footage of like how it deals with an impact. So they just drive it into, or it auto drives itself into a cement wall and it goes, you know, 20 miles an hour, 50 miles an hour. But, and when you get to see it go 140 miles per hour into a cement wall, that's also a lot of fun. Yeah.

Wait, what happens? It just disintegrates. It explodes. Yeah. It's not survivable. Do you disintegrate inside of it? Yeah, I would think it would be a rough day for the person driving it. So I don't want it to happen with people in it, but it's fun to see it happen with no one in it. All right, yeah. And it's actually called a Cybertruck.

Why is it called the Cybertruck? You don't know. It's because Douche Mobile was taken, I guess. No, people online are calling it an incel Camino. Not my joke, but a good one. All right, well, do we need to spin the wheel? Yeah, let's spin the wheel. I wonder what it'll be. I wonder who it will land on. It's the guy from Monk.

Oh, surprise, surprise. It's Jared. Okay, cool. All right. One minute on the clock. I am going to rant against pen and paper. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Oh, I wrote on a pen and a paper. I'm like a fucking scribe. Oh, yeah. Look at me. So cool. No, I use Google Docs because I'm not an animal.

And yeah, I perform live on stage looking at that damn Google Doc. And you know, maybe I'll start projecting it onto the wall. Kind of include the crowd in on it. Or I'll just invite them and they can all get on the phone and we can all have those little green circles as I'm doing stand-up and you can kind of, it's like a program for what is to come.

Yeah, I don't know. I need to be... Okay, it started out, I would type because I was... If I saw my handwriting, I'd be like, oh no, I wrote that. There's no way that's funny. So I would type it so I didn't feel insecure. But now I'm just used to it. And also, it's just helpful because I have to move sets around and I gotta click and... You write it down every single time? No one has the time for that. Get on a Google Doc. Wow. Wow.

I would feel like a hypocrite applauding for that when I applauded for yours. Well, it's all right. We're all friends. You have to choose. Which is it? They're both great. It is. Jared, I will say it's incredibly fortuitous that I went first. Yeah. Because otherwise, yours would have been weird. It would have made no sense. I'd be like, why does that guy hate pen and paper? Oh, also eco-friendly. Yeah.

Yeah, Andy Richter hates the planet. All right, well, guys, thank you so much. That has been The Rant Wheel. Thank you so much. All right, and now, because we need it, here it is, the high note. Hi, Lovett. This is Courtney. I am a longtime listener, first-time caller from Santa Monica in the West and universally known to be the best side of L.A.,

My high note today is that by the time this airs, my brother will have graduated from law school. We need more lawyers, judges, and Supreme Court justices, I'm looking at you Brett Kavanaugh, like him who want to protect and grow people's rights, not take them away to bring us back to how things were in 1864. I'm so incredibly proud of him and excited to continue to cheer him on as he works to bend the moral arc of the universe ever more toward justice. Love you, buddy.

Hi, Lovett. This is Farah. I have seen you live in Madison, and I'm going to be seeing you again this July. I am calling to let you know that my NIH grant was recently scored very highly, and assuming the government doesn't shut down, which, let's be honest, is a real possibility, it should be funded later this year.

which means that I will get to be studying the health care of the incarcerated population in the hospital. And I'm just very happy that the NIH recognizes the importance of taking care of the very vulnerable and understudied incarcerated population. Thanks for all that you do. Love your show.

Thanks to everyone who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to send us a message about something that gave you hope, send a voice memo to lolihighnotes, that's lollihighnotes, at gmail.com. That's lolihighnotes at gmail.com. Or, if you're a Friends of the Pod subscriber, you have the exclusive ability to...

Oh, la-di-da. To leave us your high notes without the hassle of a call or email. Well, well, well. Simply head on over to the Friends of the Pod Discord server. Oh, must be nice, velvet rope and everything. And post a comment or voice memo in the hashtag love it or leave it channel or hashtag high notes channel for a chance to hear it featured on the show.

Well, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. That is our show. I want to say thank you so much to Andy Daly, Yamanika Saunders, and Jared Goldstein. And I also want to thank the amazing Love It or Leave It staff who have been wonderful to me all week. And it's been really fun and such a great show. Thank you.

And remember, there are 177 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night and a great weekend.

Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Chris Lord is our producer. And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mahana Del Shiki are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer.

And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing video each week so you can. ♪♪♪

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