Mike Johnson, Campus Police (Live from DC!)
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Hello, Washington, D.C. It is great to be back in our nation's perfect capital. Why, you're all in such a good mood. It's great to be back at the Lincoln Theater. My old stomping grounds. My old blubbering. Drunk. Outside of a bar grounds.

My old, why doesn't Hillary like me grounds? She knows other people think I'm funny, but she doesn't see it. Maybe one day she will. There's still time. Known Hillary Clinton now for literally 20 years. Always get the same facial expression, which is, I don't get it. You know how when you go to a place, you are the age you were when you lived in that place? Like how you're just a little shit to your sibling when you're home for Thanksgiving, even though you're both adults with life insurance? It's great to be back.

Tonight, Al Franken is here. Mehdi Hassan is here. Comedian Sam Jay and Josh Gondelman are here. And we're going to end the show with a new game called Smash or Pass Over. So stupid. Too encouraging. And we will also be doing your live high notes. So please think about your high notes. And a reminder that I'm sharing just here, your high notes should not be about being at this show because the people at home are not at this show.

And that's a shitty high note. It's lovely for me, but I get enough praise. So it would be great if your high note could be about something going on in your life, just as you're thinking about it. That's just for us because we've gotten some feedback. But first, let's get into it. What a week.

The New York Police Department arrested more than 100 pro-Palestinian student protesters at Columbia who refused to leave an encampment on Columbia's lawn in violation of the university's rules. Columbia's precious rules are very clear. One, no tents on the lawn. Two, no mentioning that you went to Columbia because you got rejected from Harvard. Those are the only two rules. You're not allowed to break. I can't believe this shit, said a bunch of cops who had to stop playing Candy Crush on the subway for an hour. But if you can believe this shit, it seems, get this...

arresting the protesters has backfired. They've rebuilt the encampment and the protest has spread to campuses across the country. It's hard to blame administrators for not knowing how to handle this. They're dealing with a completely new phenomenon, an anti-war protest on a college campus. What's next? Some sort of ostensibly straight a cappella group? Encampments have also sprung up at MIT, Emerson, UC Berkeley, and the University of Michigan.

When the MIT kids get involved, you know it's over. Those tents have running water and a particle accelerator. You might be asking yourself, why would you need a tent with a dumbwaiter? For peace, that's why. Hundreds of Columbia faculty members held a walkout on Monday to protest the school's decision to have the students arrested. "I feel so alive," said a professor of anthropology in a thruple that isn't working. House Speaker Mike Johnson, a foot taller because he passed a bill,

visited Colombia on Wednesday to denounce the protests and to do what any legislative official from Louisiana should be doing, making personnel recommendations for Northeastern private universities. Said Johnson on Hugh Hewitt's radio show. It's unconscionable that President Shafiq is shown to be a very weak and up leader. They cannot even guarantee the safety of Jewish students. Yes, it's the number one Jew defender.

A right-wing evangelist overseeing a caucus that spreads anti-Semitic conspiracies and attends white nationalist conferences and who seems like he'd call scallion cream cheese too spicy. Johnson also said he had a simple message for student protesters. Go back to class and stop the nonsense. Stop wasting your parents' money. What do you think happens at Columbia when they're in class? A lot of these kids are English majors. Class is where they waste the money.

Speaking of Speaker Johnson, according to a new profile in The Atlantic, his sons nearly drowned in the ocean shortly after Johnson met with Trump at Mar-a-Lago last fall. That's both of his sons, the one who monitors his porn consumption and the one who feels left out.

Johnson said that he and Trump spoke about the incident by phone, saying, we talked about the faith aspect, that God spared the lives of my sons. That's how I understand those events, and we talk about that. And Trump said, God, God saved your sons' lives. I would bet so much fucking money that as Trump told Mike Johnson on the phone that God saved his sons' lives, he was 100% doing a jerk-off motion. LAUGHTER

To a caddy that is also his chief of staff. No, totally, Mike. God saved him, 100%. It's sad when kids die because they can't campaign for you anymore, right? Anyway, gotta run. My wife's here for a check.

President Biden on Wednesday signed the $95.8 billion bipartisan aid package for Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan. The bill included a provision that could ban TikTok in the United States if the parent company ByteDance fails to sell it to an American company within a year. You might have only one year left to diagnose yourself with ADHD, and if that doesn't seem like enough time, you're already on your way.

A TikTok spokesperson said in a Wednesday statement that this unconstitutional law is a ban and we will challenge it in court. Added the spokesperson, we feel confident about our chances based on the extensive data we've collected on government lawyers. You wouldn't believe how late Merrick Garland stays up watching local news bloopers.

Speaking of bloopers, on Tuesday, Judge Juan Merchan held a hearing on whether to hold Donald Trump in contempt for violating his gag order in the Hush Money case. Meanwhile, Trump held what he called a judge fat bitch hearing outside in the parking lot. And well, Merchan is not going to like Trump's ruling. When Blanche said that Trump was trying to comply with the gag order and being very careful, Merchan replied, you're losing credibility with this court. Your Honor, it's one thing to insult me. It's another to invent a word like credibility to do so.

A prosecutor argued that Trump had been willfully and repeatedly violating the order and had even made statements that violated it in the hallway right as he left court. But who isn't cranky when they first wake up? It's relatable, actually. Said the prosecutor, he knows what he's not allowed to do and does it anyhow. Also true of me when I bring in a burrito bowl to the movies. No one can hold me in contempt.

Actual testimony began this week with the first witness, Trump's former ally and publisher of the National Enquirer, David Pecker, which people make fun of but was changed to Ellis Island to anglicize it from the Yiddish, schlong. Stupid. So stupid. Stop it. He described how he bought and paid for damaging stories about Trump during his 2016 campaign. Pecker said that he acted as the campaign's eyes and ears. I called all the other orifices, said Rudy Giuliani.

I know what that means. Utah Senator Mitt Romney offered this take on the hush money trial on Tuesday. I think everybody has made their own assessment of President Trump's character. And so far as I know, you don't pay someone $130,000 not to have sex with you. Nice, Mitt. Put some chocolate syrup in that milk. You've earned it. Give yourself a little treat. Go crazy. Then on Thursday, the Supreme Court heard arguments on Donald Trump's presidential immunity case in which the former president argues conducting a coup isn't a crime so long as you pay for it on your work credit card.

Naturally, much of SCOTUS's hearing revolves around what could constitute an official act, like, for example, a president murdering his enemies. Ask Judge Sonia Sotomayor. If the president decides that his rival is a corrupt person and he orders the military or orders someone to assassinate him...

Is that within his official acts for which he can get immunity? It would depend on the hypothetical, but we can see that could well be an official act. It could. We all heard the voice. Is he wearing his Air Force One jacket when he orders the extraditional killing? Is he snacking on a box of White House M&Ms? Then he's in the clear, Your Honor.

Justice Elena Kagan and Amy Coney Barrett seem shocked by the defense's argument that a president orchestrating a coup or assassinating rivals should be protected from prosecution. And these ladies don't shock easily. They've had to sit through multiple slideshow presentations of Alito's vacation pics, and he's toppling off a boogie board in 1920s neck-to-toe bathing suits in every single picture.

Justice Katonji Brown Jackson noted this problem with Trump's argument. The most powerful person in the world with the greatest amount of authority could go into office knowing that there would be no potential penalty for committing crimes. I'm trying to understand what the disincentive is from turning the Oval Office into the seat of criminal activity in this country.

Now you're getting it, said Rudy Giuliani, barreling down the aisle on a tricycle for some reason. Ha ha. Ha ha.

Meanwhile, Justice Alito asked this of the government's lawyer. If a president has the authority to pardon himself before leaving office and the D.C. Circuit is right that there is no immunity from prosecution, won't the predictable result be that presidents on the last couple of days of office are going to pardon themselves from anything? Yeah, great point, you fucking dweeb. Also this week...

The Supreme Court heard arguments over whether Idaho's near-total abortion ban conflicts with a federal law which requires patients to receive appropriate medical care. The Idaho law says that anyone who performs an abortion could face up to five years in prison unless the woman's life is in danger. In that case, it's ten years in prison.

In one exchange, Justice Sotomayor pressed Idaho's lawyer on how much flexibility the state law gives doctors for performing emergency abortions, and right-wing Justice Amy Coney Barrett claimed to be shocked at the answer. When Idaho law changed to make the issue whether she's going to die or not or whether she's going to have a serious medical condition, there's a big daylight by your standards, correct?

It is very case by case. The examples of fraud... I'm kind of shocked, actually, because I thought your own expert had said below that these kinds of cases were covered. And you're now saying they're not? No, I'm not saying that. That's just my point, Your Honor, is that... Well, you're hedging. Oh, are you shocked? Are you shocked? You overturned a cartoon barrel of motor oil all over the highway. Yeah, cars are running off the road. Gambling in this casino. What did you think was going to happen? The trigger laws are on the books.

They were all on the books. You're shocked? I don't think you should be shocked. Meanwhile, in Arizona, Democrats managed to advance a bill to repeal the state's 1864 abortion ban on Wednesday, with three Republicans in the statehouse breaking rank to vote with Democrats on their third attempt. Congra- yeah. Congratulations to those three Republicans who either consulted their consciences or happened to read one poll. Speaking of switching teams, the FTC voted this week to ban nearly all employers from issuing non-compete clauses which prevent workers from joining rival companies.

Or launch their own rival businesses. And I'd like to see you try it, Kendra. Non-compete clauses have been replaced with, I'd like to see you try it. The White House also issued a new rule this week that requires airlines to promptly issue passengers refunds for canceled or significantly delayed flights instead of vouchers for future flights. Hey, it's a great day for people who had a canceled trip and a non-compete clause, you know? Fucking crushing it this week. Better go knock out some doors for Biden.

Said Biden in a statement. And this goes for you too, Spirit Airlines. I know you're trying, but if you're going to mail people physical cash, it's got to be new bills. The number one complaint this month to the FTC, other than trapped in Cybertruck going 200 miles an hour, doors locked, screens black, is dirty, smelly fives and tens from Spirit Airlines. Strange.

Speaking of stink, in the American Lung Association's latest edition of their annual state of the air assessment, the group said that roughly two out of five Americans are breathing unhealthy air. And it's even worse for Americans who are serving on the juries for crimes involving hush money payments. Because of the farts. It's because of all the fucking farts. And a small update on the cicadas. A horde of cicadas...

Emerging in one South Carolina county are so loud that residents have been calling the police. Said Columbia University's president, "Were the police able to help?" A beloved ostrich named Karen of the Topeka Zoo has passed away. Yeah, I'm sorry. After swallowing a staff member's keys, it was the only thing she could do to stop that zookeeper from driving home drunk again. RIP Karen, the ostrich. She died doing what she loved, eating keys.

And finally, at least five British military horses broke loose in London on Wednesday, charging through the streets near Buckingham Palace and injuring at least five people. But not to worry, the royal family quickly got to work photoshopping the horses back into their stables. All right. We've got a great show. When we come back, Al Franken is here. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Each year, the International Rescue Committee's Emergency Watchlist Report assesses the 20 countries at greatest risk of new or worsening humanitarian emergencies. These countries are home to only 10.6% of the world's population, but carry a disproportionate burden of global humanitarian crisis. The civil war in Sudan has left over 24 million in need of humanitarian aid.

while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises

with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis, and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. And I walk pundit, I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Ha ha ha ha!

Healthy, very healthy call. That's real. That's real. Sorry, Dr. Christie, I can't do therapy. I got to go on Anderson Cooper. You can watch. I'll be saying the same things I'll be saying to you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash love it to get 10% off your first month. Obviously,

Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it.

The election is less than 100 days away. Oof. Wow. That might sound scary, but it also means you still have 100 days to donate and volunteer your ass off. And whether you're falling out of a coconut tree or anxiously clinging to one, now is the time to volunteer, donate, and canvas your ass off.

Canvassing is an especially great way to make a difference to get the word out about important candidates and valid initiatives where you live. Sign up to Canvas at votesaveamerica.com and then head to the Crooked store to pick up a canvassing kit. This is all the essentials for a day of door knocking, including a clipboard, pens, band-aids, a tote bag, and more. Get one to motivate yourself to canvas more or send them to your friends in swing states. Matching clipboards are the new matching friendship bracelets. Go to crooked.com slash store to get your kit.

And we're back! Please welcome to the stage America's own Senator Al Franken. Good to see ya. Thanks for being here. You know, it's a little intimidating, I have to say, doing monologue jokes while you're watching. I don't care for it. You know what's interesting is I forgot to bring my hearing aids and I was getting most of them but

Shouldn't have been intimidated. That's actually a relief. She would have told me before. First of all, Hog Samach. Happy Passover. Ah, happy Passover to you. You know what I realized? You know what I realized yesterday? I'll tell you. Rudy Boschwitz, Jewish.

Paul Wellstone, Jewish. Norm Coleman, Jewish. Al Franken, Jewish. Tina Smith, not Jewish, but quite a run of Jewish senators in that seat. Not since Chuck Schumer dined alone has a seat in that jury. Yes, his qualifies as very Jewish, Schumer's. No, it was...

I was the only New York... When I ran against Coleman, I was the only New York Jew who was born in Minnesota, who grew up in Minnesota. Huh. In that race. When I was in that race, yeah. Interesting. Interesting. The guy before Boschwitz, I don't think he was Jewish because Wikipedia said he played hockey. Now that I think about it, none of the Jewish ones played hockey. But Paul Wellstone was an All-American wrestler. A Jewish wrestler. A Jewish wrestler. Now I've heard everything. I wrestled...

People? You wrestled people? I wrestled people. I wasn't great. Paul was great. Paul was like in the Wrestling Hall of Fame. So I have a copy of your 2003 book, Lies and the Lying Liars, here. And the reason I have it is because I was excited... You want to talk about lies. I want to talk about lies, but I also want to talk about the way you talk about lies.

Because this book was very important to me. I think it was important to a lot of people when it came out. And it was this clarion call about just how malicious and deceptive the right wing had become. And what I was thinking when I realized it's been over 20 years since the book came out is, did you ever imagine it would seem so fucking quaint? Well, it's interesting because at the time, you really weren't...

It wasn't common to call someone a liar or use lies. And I said lies and the lying liars who tell them for a reason, because it was meant to be satirical and funny. But calling people liars at that time, even though they were lying up the wazoo, you know, Fox and Limbaugh. But it wasn't.

It wasn't cool to coulter those people. And so I did this up at Harvard, and I had 14 students help me with it, and we researched the shit out of it, and it did very well. It did very well. Well, that's good. You mentioned Paul Wellstone, and one anecdote I think about all the time, because I think it's still relevant now, is you talk about this experience of being at Paul Wellstone's memorial. Yeah. And...

this tragic death just days before an election, a kind of group mourning and celebration of who Paul Wellstone was. You're there, you experience it, and then you watch the way it is translated first through the right-wing media, then to the mainstream media, and then even to Democrats. And...

The reason I think it's still relevant is it seems to be that style of politics has kind of become the only way Republicans do politics, which is to find some event that happens in the world or make one up and say, see, see, this is who they are. These are terrible people. So can you just talk about what it was like? You were at this thing, and then you watch what happens when it is translated through the right. Well, it was... Everybody's passion was out there. It was in the...

in the basketball arena and there were 20 some thousand people and there was an overflow of people not everybody could get in and Rush Limbaugh they bust people in unions bust people in that's why it looks like there were so many people there uh it was

There was a point in which one of Paul's friends got up and gave a speech that was a little bit inappropriate because he says, let's win this election for Paul. And Walter Mondale was going to step in for Paul at the last minute. And that was used in the book. I write about this conversation.

The way this was taken by Limbaugh and by Tucker Carlson on... What was he on at that time? I think CNN. He's been on all of them. It may have been MSNBC, too. Yeah, it was CNN at the time. And these are people who didn't see the memorial. It was an incredibly moving and passionate memorial. And not only did Paul die, but his wife and his daughter and three aides. And it was...

incredibly moving memorial and yet Limbaugh and the right exploited it and I think they actually won that seat and they won the Missouri seat because of it so it was the chapter in the book that meant the most to me

The way that you see it, it is sort of a pattern that has played out to this day. And even as you say that, the idea that someone wouldn't say at a memorial for a senator who passed away, we should try to win this for that senator. Even saying that that was inappropriate now feels like from another era, given the new levels of inappropriate we see on a daily basis. Yeah. Well, now the lying we see, and that's why lies and liars, at the time you didn't call someone a liar. Yeah. That was just not done.

But now it's just the opposite way, which is no one doesn't call the other side a liar, especially their side calling us liars all the time. One lesson I took from just sort of observing you when Air America Radio started, we started Crooked Media and one of the things we thought about was that there's been so many efforts to make

kind of progressive counterweight to Fox News and I remember when you started when you were there on the first day of Air America radio I went and I bought a radio so that I could listen to the very first episode I did I was living in New York and I bought a radio and I listened to the whole first episode you did where you had Bebe Neuwirth pretending to be Ann Coulter I believe locked in a closet if I remember that correctly we locked her in her dressing room and turned up the heat

B.B. New Earth. B.B. New Earth. Well, we didn't lock B.B. up. No, it was radio. It was radio. You used coconuts for the horses. It was radio theater. Yeah. They did not like Ann Coulter, and so that seemed appropriate. But you are this pugnacious and direct person.

And very funny, very aggressive. You call them liars. You call Bill O'Reilly splotchy. Remember the word splotchy? He was mad about that, too. He was very mad about that. He didn't have makeup on that day or something like that. And we got a picture of him splotchy, and I didn't feel like I needed to fix it up for him. But so... And then you decide you want to run for Senate yourself. And as a senator, you were...

very direct and hard hitting during hearings, but I think it's fair to say that you were less combative or at least not as pugnacious as you were when you were writing from the ads. Well, yeah, no, but it's interesting, right? Because I think you were trying to be a version that you thought would be the most effective way for you to be a Senator. But in hindsight now, given the jokers and clowns we've got running around, do you feel like you were overcompensated for the fear that you would be called a comedian or do you still think it was the right way for you to be a Senator?

The first week I was in the Senate, I was Sotomayor's hearing. And she said that she had become a prosecutor because of Perry Mason. And at Perry Mason's Hamilton Burger, the prosecutor in Perry Mason, I said, that's odd because he lost every case. And she said, no, he won one case. And I said, well, we'll get that.

We'll get that to if we have time at the end. And then I started asking the questions. And at the end, I had about two minutes left and I couldn't develop a new line of questioning. So I said, what case did Hamilton Burger win? What case did Perry Mason lose? And she said, I don't know. And I said, didn't the White House prepare you?

Which just came to me at the time. But then I got all this kind of press. Can Al Franken stop doing... Can he help it? Can he help it? And then I went to the committee room where all the... Because we do those Supreme Court hearings in a much bigger room. And then we went back to the...

you know the judiciary a room and They come in and Tom Coburn from Oklahoma goes like actually Perry Mason lost two cases And and then and then Jeff Sessions says I like dragnet and and I said I

you know, I worked with Broderick Crawford. Oh, Highway Patrol, that's what he said. He said, I love Highway Patrol and Broderick Crawford. I said, you know, I worked with Broderick Crawford. And they all went, you worked with Broderick Crawford? Who was a very well-esteemed actor and older than maybe some of your audience remembers, evidently. But then I was finally legitimate to them.

That was it. That did it. You do Broderick Crawford. You work with Broderick Crawford. You didn't really answer my question. What was your question? You had a different tone when you were in the Senate than when you were a pundit on the outside. Yeah, I was a senator. Of course.

Do you think that that is... Was that the right way for you to be a senator? Or looking back, do you think it might have been okay, given how fucking crazy everything got thereafter, for you to just sort of bring the full... Let loose, yeah. Would you let loose if you were still in the Senate? Yeah, maybe more. But no, I was... I tried to be the best senator I could be. And I tried to conduct myself. It's a serious job. I mean, you can be...

You can be funny and you can do both. But no, I'm happy with the way I conducted myself. Part of the reason I ask is we're in this fight to try to remind people how bad Trump was and to explain to people how much worse Trump will be.

And we have this problem where the memory of Trump is getting a little less colorful. It's still there, but it's not as bright and vivid as it once was. And then we have to explain to people just how dangerous a second term could be. Meanwhile, Joe Biden, he's in the present. That's...

People can feel that and see that every day. And I'm wondering if you have any thoughts on how Democrats ought to be talking about Trump, how to make it feel real for people, whether that's people on the outside or what President Biden should be doing or what Democrats should be doing. Well, I think we have to remind people how he blew it during COVID. You know, when he talked about injecting bleach... Bleach, yeah.

I guess up your ass. I guess that's no other way it could be. I think. Not directly into your veins. Well, I think, yeah, I think it was supposed to be sort of, yeah, kind of like... Okay. Like, you know, aerating, like aerating a green. And I remember in the debates that Biden and he had, Biden said something about, you said you should inject, we should inject bleach into our... And Trump said, I was being sarcastic.

And all I want, I just want, if that comes up again in the next debates, we've got to play that over and over again. Because remember, he wasn't being sarcastic. And you remember Dr. Birx. Yeah. Birx was kind of doing this. LAUGHTER

During that. And so I would just, I want Biden to ask them that again if they debate. I hope they do debate. And Trump will say I was being sarcastic again. And later in the commentary, I want to show that clip because she was just...

Yeah, I do think people have made a kind of choice to just block out that period of time from their minds. Like everybody just sort of... I think there is a psychological thing where we've done that. And I think that redounds to Trump's favor because he handled it so badly. Yeah. He did get the vaccine going and...

We didn't certainly have done that. Right, right, right, right. He didn't stop. He could have he could have he could have even fucked that up. But in that case, he did it. There is a part of this where people want to move past the pandemic. I am partial to the to the idea that America is carrying around a lot of trauma from that time. We haven't really processed and we're laying it at Biden's feet. You think there's truth to that?

I think we took a psychological toll and kids took a psychological toll and we just did. And there's that. I don't think that could have been helped. I don't I could have been handled maybe better. But I think that's that we paid that toll from it. And maybe Biden is paying a price for that. I just think that we have to remind people that.

that Trump didn't handle it well and didn't get material to people for prevention and he didn't wear a mask, which was a terrible thing. And, you know, there were a lot of people who died unnecessarily because of him. Yeah. Hey, Al, do you remember this clip from The Matrix Reloaded? No. Okay. Well, tonight... I didn't think you would.

Tonight, we're going to compare old school maniacs versus new school maniacs and decide who is doing it better, which really means doing it worse. Does age come before beauty? Let's find out in a segment we're calling Right Wing Gremlins, The New Batch. Basically, we have a couple of the classic goons that you catalog here in your book, and we're going to compare them to the new batch of goons, and see which of the two you think are worse. It's a worthy enterprise.

I agree. First up, I'm going to take that at face value and keep on moving. I meant it. I was very literal. That was exactly what I meant. We all remember Bill O'Reilly. Mad, full of shit. To refresh your recollections, here's Bill O'Reilly from just last week. You know, I'm not really fearful of our democracy because there isn't anybody...

more outspoken in this country than I am about politics and other things. And my freedom was not impeded one iota during the Trump administration. And I don't know any broadcasters freedom who was. That's an incredible statement. What did he say?

Such an important question. I'm so sorry. What he's saying is freedom in America isn't under threat because nobody is threatening me, Bill O'Reilly, which I think captures the kind of narcissistic blowhard qualities we cherish for so long.

Now, we're going to put him up against the new batch, Jesse Waters. Here's Jesse Waters insisting that Donald Trump's lack of golf course access is cruel and unusual punishment.

But the guy needs exercise. He's usually golfing. And so you're going to put a man who's almost 80 sitting in a room like this on his butt for all that time. It's not healthy. You know how big of a health nut I am. He needs sunlight and he needs activity. He needs to be walking around. He needs action. It's really cruel and unusual punishment to make a man do that. It's incredible. I got to agree with him. I do. When he's got time to play golf, you know, this trial has to be tough on him.

And let me tell you why. He has to shut up for the whole, all day.

It's really... I don't know how he's going to make it through. Too bad. I love that he had to sit there, and they're reading these statements that are like, now, is it true that you called the defendant there a fat, ugly piece of shit? Yes, I did. But can you be unbiased? I think so. I'm like...

uh the defense we'd like to strike strike her so now the question is who do you think is worse has it has is the new batch worse than the old batch bill o'reilly or jesse waters who's worse

I don't watch enough Jesse Waters. I studied Bill O'Reilly, and I got to tell you, he's really, really, really bad. But I've got enough of Jesse Waters. Jesse Waters did a thing, I don't know, last week sometime about saying that some of the jurors who were coming in were pretending...

to be right wing or middle of the road when they are really very left wing. You saw that, right? And then I think Trump re-posted it on Truth Social and then that, of course, is attacking the jury, which the judge has got to be thrilled with. Yeah, it's sort of, in a way, Jesse Waters led Trump to violate the gag order. Right.

So in a way... He's helping. Yeah. I think what makes... Jesse Waters is a little bit in on the joke, and Bill O'Reilly was never in on the joke. I agree. Okay. Next up... So O'Reilly worse. O'Reilly worse. Next up, the elected official category, we have first Newt Gingrich. When discussing Proposition 8 in 2008, this was to ban gay marriage, Newt Gingrich told Bill O'Reilly, in fact, this. I think there is a...

Gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to oppose its will on the rest of us is prepared to use violence, to use harassment? Sure, but only on fashion. Just fashion. So he's saying that LGBT people are going to be violent? We're going to impose a kind of gay, secular, fascist state. I mean, why not?

Now let's put up Newt versus large Marge herself, Marjorie Taylor Greene. The problem with Newt Gingrich, too much nuance. Let's see Marjorie. The Democrats are a party of pedophiles. I would definitely say so. She said Democrats are the party of pedophiles. Yeah, that's what... And she said, I would say so. She's worse? Well, here's the... She's...

She's worse. Gingrich was very bad. Gingrich taught Republicans how to talk, you know, how to call Democrats traitors and decayed. How to talk like Newt is something that's actually in this book. And it really is... He started this whole thing of calling each other...

making it impossible for Republicans and Democrats to get along. And he told his members not to live in Washington, to go back home over the weekend. And it really helped when...

you know, senators and congressmen lived in the Washington area and their kids could be on the same baseball team or soccer team or stuff like that. Yeah, it's ironic that they spend far less time in D.C., they spend far more, much more time at home, and yet the politics have been nationalized. So they spend more time in their districts, but they spend less time worrying about the kind of local issues that might have created other kinds of coalitions. It doesn't happen anymore.

And I do think that it hurt the comity between members. You know, if your kid played on another kid's baseball team, it made a difference. So I feel like Marjorie Taylor Greene is obviously worse. And yet Newt was smart and effective in a way that she can't be.

She's effective in her own monstrous way. Right. You know, but not effective in his monstrous way. All right. And finally, it's the Cranks Crank category.

First up, we've got Ann Coulter prominent in the book. Ann Coulter once famously said of 9-11 widows, these broads are millionaires lionized on TV and in articles about them reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief aratsis. I've never seen people enjoying their husband's death so much. Just a reminder. I've heard her say worse. For sure. And yeah, no, she and she has and she will.

versus right-wing internet personality, Charlie Kirk, who recently offered this gem.

A lot of them are on birth control too. And birth control really screws up female brains, by the way. Every single one of you need to make sure that your loved ones are not on birth control. And it creates very angry and bitter young ladies and young women. Then that bitterness manifests into a political party that is the bitter party. I mean, the Democrat Party is all about, bring us your bitterness and we'll give you free stuff. It's like, we'll trade you bitterness for stuff, essentially. That's like the Democrat Party.

He said that birth control is causing young women to become bitter Democrats and that you should stop anyone in your life from being on birth control lest they become bitter Democrats. Did you know that birth control turns young women into bitter Democrats? I did not know that. I did not know that. You learned something here on your show. No.

Yeah, it's entertaining, obviously. But there's information. You leave with more than you came with. And that's the beauty of it. Yes, I did not know that. So I feel like Charlie... Thank you for that service. It's a labor of love. But I do think there's... When you look at O'Reilly versus Waters or Newt versus Marjorie or Anne versus Charlie, they're not sending their best.

Well, there's no one can beat Ann Coulter at being the worst. So maybe that's a reason for some optimism. You know, like here we have the new generation. And are they better at this than the previous generation? No. No. No, they're not. No. Just different. Yeah. Some of them are worse.

Look, I'm not sure we're the best judge. The best judge are the people who consume this stuff. They're the ones to tell us. All right, we'll ask them. So you're on the road. You're doing a tour. Yeah, I'm doing a tour every... I'm developing an act. I'm going to different city wineries around the country and...

Doing a tour. So you write these books. They are important to a lot of young people. They shape a lot of people's way of thinking about politics. You run for Senate. You spend those years in the Senate. What do you want your impact to be now? Would you think about running again? Probably not. Probably not. I'd like to have an impact. I have a leadership pack where I raise money for

for Democrats who are running all over the country and were target the key races in the country and spent a lot of the money on ground game. All right, good. Yeah. Senator Al Franken, thank you so much for being here. Really good to see you. Thank you. Good talking to you. Yeah, and Al Franken will be, Senator Franken will be back. Come on. When we come back, Manny Housen is here. And we're back.

Please welcome to the stage the hardest working man in political digital media, it's friend of the pod, Mehdi Hassan. Good to see you. Hi Mehdi. How's it going? It's good to see you again. You know, you've been on Ponce of America, you haven't been on Love It or Leave It. I think this is your first time. It's my first time. All right. Well, you know. So let's start with this. What do you think of Speaker Mike Johnson heading up to Columbia to call on the president of that school to resign? Do you think he isn't busy?

I think it tells you everything you need to know about the president of Colombia. That she sent the police after her own students to try and appease the GOP and discovered that you can't appease the GOP. Now everyone wants her gone, right and left.

So she made that bed. She has to sleep in it. About the speaker strip, you said, congratulations, everyone. You've given the GOP exactly what they wanted and needed, an excuse to pretend to care about anti-Semitism, despite a caucus filled with raging white supremacists and who attend conferences with a Holocaust denier and a candidate who hosts that Holocaust denier. Uh...

At an Earth Day event this week, President Biden said, I condemn the anti-Semitic protest and I also condemn those who don't understand what's going on with the Palestinians. They put out a statement that just denounced anti-Semitism. It seems like he's trying to say, I want to separate out the anti-Semitic actions that have taken place around, but not led by the students, around the protests and separate that from the cause of the students and to say that, you know, to try to not

fall into the same trap. What do you think he should be saying? This might not win me a lot of applause with this crowd, but I wish Joe Biden would understand what's going on with the Palestinians as well.

I do worry that he has now opened the door. The Democrats, liberal media, whoever you want to call it, have opened the door for people like Mike Johnson and Elise Stefanik and Donald J. Trump to pretend that they are friends of the Jewish people. Elise Stefanik, who pushed the Great Replacement Theory. Donald Trump, who hosted Nick Fuentes for Thanksgiving dinner. Paul Gosar, who goes to Holocaust denial conferences. It is ridiculous that we've got to a point now where Republicans can posture and pretend to be friends of any minority community in this country.

But that's because people in the Democratic Party need to fight much stronger, need to call these people out as white supremacists. I hear Democratic senators say, my friends in the Republican Party. John, have you ever heard a Republican say, my friends in the Democratic Party? I haven't. It's something to think about. It is? I can see you thinking hard right now. But look, Republicans don't need Democrats anymore.

Democrats often do help, but Republicans don't need Democrats' help to demagogue an issue, right? It wasn't Democrats that fucked up that hearing. It was the presidents of the college themselves that kind of fell into the trap that Stefanik had set. No, but the entire anti-Semitism debate, which has been hijacked by Republicans for a long time. Let's be very clear. After October the 7th, a bunch of Republicans went out and said...

crazy, shitty, genocidal things, like the Tom Cottons, the Josh Hawleys, the long list of Republicans, people I'd never heard of, like House Republicans, I didn't know this person exists, but he came out to say, turn Gaza into a parking lot. And all of this Lindsey Graham, what was it Tom Cotton said, bounce rubble. They can say this genocidal stuff about Palestinians, and yet, who is the only member of Congress who is censured

the one Palestinian American woman in Congress. That, unfortunately, and a bunch of Democrats voted for that, let's not forget. So that kind of stuff really bothers me because you really are just giving them a pass to pretend to be friends or good faith on this issue. They're not good faith on this issue. Yeah, it does speak to one of the challenges of the politics, right? Because they're, you know...

In Joe Biden's statement, you see him trying to walk a fine line. Why does he feel he needs to walk a fine line? Well, because he feels like what he wants to say is some version of, I denounce anti-Semitism in all its forms. I take the, I never want to give any ground on that. I don't want to give ground to these Republicans who are going around and claiming that we're not standing up against anti-Semitism. And by the way, if there are Jewish students who feel unsafe at college campuses, they deserve to be heard about that too. And clearly, despite some fear mongering around it, that is happening.

but at the same time wanting to signal in some way, right, that he is not taking the side of the Republicans and using the issue as a cudgel. But the reason I say that is because there's where Democrats are, there's where Republicans are, there's where the students are, and there are a lot of Democrats who feel like

They need to walk a more kind of politically delicate line. I don't know what you think about that. Yeah, I'm not happy about it, John. I'm not happy to see Josh Gottheimer and Jared Moskowitz and a bunch of House Democrats turn up at the Columbia campus to join in the demagoguery.

Did they turn up at the Columbia campus a couple of months ago when pro-Palestinian students were skunk sprayed and Columbia did nothing? Did they turn up in Stanford when an Arab-American student was run over by a car? Did they turn up in Vermont when three Palestinian students were shot, one of whom is now disabled for life? Did they turn up in Illinois when a six-year-old Palestinian kid was stabbed to death in front of his mother shortly after October 7th? I just worry about the demagoguing. Jackie Rosen, senator from Nevada, very, you know, now...

She just came out against a Muslim judge that the Biden administration was trying to put on the court. She went with the Republicans on this, and then she comes out this week talking about anti-Semitism. I would just like to see some consistency. Can we denounce bigotry across the board? Anti-Muslim and anti-Jewish and anti-gay and anti-transgender. Across the board. It's not hard. Right. Well, it's not hard, and yet it does seem like we make it look hard. And I guess where is the space for...

Biden is trying to do that, right? Isn't that what Biden is trying to do in this kind of a statement, right? To say that he put out statements and has denounced anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim violence. My issue with Joe Biden is not the statements or the rhetoric. It's the policy. It's the policy. You can't say there's a red line not to go in a rougher and then say, you know, you work for Barack Obama. He's the guy who was famously red line in Syria. Do you remember the red line in Syria? He got battered for that red line.

I mean, Biden's red line is worse because he's saying, no, don't go into Rafa. Yay, we agree with you, Joe Biden. Thank God you said that. But take billions of dollars in weapons as you say you're going to go into Rafa, right? This is the problem fundamentally. You know, we see this stuff. We see all these drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. He doesn't like Netanyahu. He's very upset behind the scenes. A lot of leaks to Barack Ravine and other reporters. You know, he dropped an F-bomb on BB in private. Great. Come out and say it in public.

Come out and say it in public and come out and do something about it. Also, politically, put aside the morality of selling weapons to a government

that is bombing residential apartment buildings, refugee camps, hospitals, schools, cemeteries, mosques, churches. Put aside the morality of that for a moment. Just the political suicide. Who in this country likes Benjamin Netanyahu? Why are you going to bat for Benjamin Netanyahu? Why are you risking American democracy for Benjamin Netanyahu? Why are you risking your re-election for Benjamin Netanyahu? Why? Why? I bang my...

I feel like banging my head on the wall every day, John. So I'm actually just curious if you can try to answer that question because there is a movement to say, I mean, look, there's a huge variety of opinions, many of which I completely disagree with, among pro-Palestinian and anti-Israel protests. But there is clearly a...

consensus of some kind around believing that Israel has a right to safety and freedom, that the Palestinian people deserve dignity and self-determination and safety, and that the way Israel is conducting this war is abhorrent and shouldn't go on while respecting Israel's right to exist and defend itself. There's clearly a coalition that agrees with that, and yet we can't do even a modest thing like condition aid

that we are sending, there isn't an appetite politically for that in Congress. Joe Biden doesn't see the value or at least sees it whether strategically or politically more valuable to keep his criticisms or his more fulsome criticisms private, though he has pushed Israel a little bit more lately. What explains that? - It's a great question. I've spoken to members of Congress, I've spoken to people in the DNC, I've spoken to Democratic operatives,

You get different answers. Who is driving this? Is it the people around Biden? Is this Biden himself? There's a lot of debate about, is this Biden the guy who loved Golden Mate? No one quite knows who is in the driving seat because, of course, people brief to journalists different things. A lot of White House aides will say, oh, we don't agree with the president on this. And then there's people who say Joe Biden's very upset about this. I don't know. But it's a real problem when we live in it. You talked about conditioning aid. I never thought I would live to see the day when Nancy Pelosi said, let's condition arms to Israel, when Chuck Schumer would come out

and say Benjamin Netanyahu's got to go, Israeli government's an obstacle to peace. So there are people in Congress who have traditionally been very aligned with Israel. Even they're saying, this is too much. If only the Biden White House could maybe try and lead that, build on that. This whole behind-the-scenes bullshit's got to end. It worked on October 8th or 9th. Let me give him a bear hug. Let me persuade him behind the scenes. We're nearly seven months in. 14,000 kids are dead. The behind-the-scenes bullshit has to stop. I'm sorry. So you're very...

You're obviously very critical of Democrats and the president when you view it as being warranted. On this issue. No, of course. And you also are very clear eyed about the threat posed by Trump. I don't I don't see those two things as being intention, but they do become intention when it comes time to vote. How do you think about that?

Hurts my head a lot, I'll be honest with you, John. I've been, I launched a new media company recently. It's called Zateo, shameless plug. And I've been touring the country. I've been giving a lot of speeches in Ramadan. I spoke to a lot of Muslim crowds in Dallas, in Houston, in San Francisco, in Atlanta, all over the place, in Maryland. And every place the Q&A begins with,

We can't vote for Trump the fascist, but we can't vote for Joe Biden who enabled genocide. That is the conversation that is going on in every Muslim American community, every Arab American community, and also a lot of black American communities in places like Georgia, as we see a lot of young students.

It's a problem. I don't have an answer for it, right? And I had Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the launch of our event last week, and I said to her, how do you persuade somebody who says, I can't vote for Biden, what do you say? And she said, first thing she said is, look, I'm not going to tell a Palestinian who lost 20 members of his family, somebody in Dearborn, you've got to vote for Biden. That's just ridiculously offensive. But, you know, you have to set the scene and talk about what America do you want to live under? Which government do you want to live under? Which democracy do you want to be part of? Do you still want democracy? And, I mean...

On this issue, I make one very simple point, which is, who does Benjamin Netanyahu and Itmar Ben-Gavir want to be the next president of the United States? They say Trump. So from that perspective, as critical as I am of Joe Biden, and I'm very, very critical of Joe Biden on this issue, and I defended him a lot until October the 6th, the reality is the people we loathe, I think most of us loathe in the Israeli government, they want Donald Trump to be president. So I think we should bear that in mind when we go to the polling stations. So...

A new Harvard youth poll just came out, I believe today, a big poll of 18 to 29-year-olds. The top three issues for young people were housing, inflation, and health care. Also high up was gun violence and jobs. The bottom two issues were student debt and Israel-Palestine. Climate change was 12th of 16th. Now, this is an election that will be fought on the margins, and young people that are upset about those issues can swing the entire election.

But I also was just curious for your thoughts on this. Do you think at times the press conflates young people with young lefty, especially a certain kind of online young person, and that we're kind of not thinking enough about the broader, less engaged young person who we also need?

I agree with you. And the issue with, of course, polling is it just gives you, like, the ranking, but there's separate debate about salience, right? Yeah. Which issues do you care strongly about? So the person who puts housing high up probably does care about housing. Young people have a real problem with housing in this country. But there's also an issue where the young people who are going out and getting arrested by the police feel very strongly about what's happening on Gaza, right? So...

I think it's a salience issue. And I also think, don't think about door knockers. You know about campaigning more than I do. A lot of the people who are going to be knocking on doors are the people who care strongly about those issues like student debt or Israel-Palestine. And I'll be honest with you, I'm very worried that we're going to spend the next few months watching scenes of demonstrators, young people being arrested,

The Republicans are salivating at the idea of another 1968, of another Chicago, to say, look at Biden's America. We're in chaos and crime, because crime's down, murder's down. The narrative's gone away, so now they can say, look, chaos, chaos, and Mike Johnson can turn up at Columbia. I think it's crazy. I'm glad the White House has come out and said no National Guard. They've not engaged with the National Guard nonsense. But in Texas, we're seeing some crazy scenes out of UT Austin. I do worry about the idea that young people, a big demographic cohort of the Democratic Party base...

Seeing them being beaten up on TV and dragged away and detained and put in zip ties is not a helpful image when they are a crucial part of the debate. And by the way, the people who say young people don't matter, please stop saying that. Like, Democrats could not have won in 2018, 2020, and 2022 fended off a red wave without young voters. Yeah. And it does seem like it's not a messaging issue. It's not a political issue. It's a question of the reality of what's happening on the policy and on the ground. I mean, it's both, right? Yeah.

Don't sell arms to Israel is one policy request, but also don't send in counter-terror police onto a student campus and put people in prison for no reason. Like, it's both. Those images are horrific when you see the police. The scenes in Austin, horrific scenes. Are we in China? Are we in Venice? Where are we when we're seeing those scenes? So there was a long-ass profile of you in New York Magazine. 6,600 words, I believe.

But who's counting? And they had to cut it down. They had to cut it down. They left a lot of good stuff on the cutting room floor, I bet. I'm sure. The piece ends by saying that your biggest gripe with the left is that there isn't enough bare-knuckle brawling. People are like, that guy's ready to fucking throw down. The question...

Everybody's having fun. The question isn't, aren't you liberal? Are you left? Are you a progressive Democrat? Are you in the squad? All not as important as the one overarching key, which is where I believe the Democrats and progressives have failed, which is fighting. Do you have fight in your belly or do you not? It's not ideological. Meti, who's your favorite pugnacious moderate? Who's the neolive that you think really gives it to them?

I am partial. Just on the fighting front, not policy front. On the fighting front, I'm partial to a little Eric Swalwell. Okay. All right. I certainly don't agree with him on Gaza, but I think you look at the ads he puts out, you look at the rhetoric he puts out, you see him at committee hearings. He's not trying to go and befriend Republicans in the House gym. Okay. Unlike some of his friends in the Senate Democratic caucus. Not being friends in the gym. I don't want to talk in the gym. I don't want to talk in the gym. I don't go to the gym, so...

What do you think about the TikTok ban? I think it's absurd. It's absurd, right? I mean, I trust the Communist Party of China with my data more than I trust Elon Musk. So why are we banning TikTok and not Twitter? Although I'm on both. Also, again, Joe Biden wants to sign a bill going into election, pissing off young people. Just mad. It's political madness. Yeah. So you just launched your new media company. I did. Called Zateo. Yeah, it's on TikTok.

We have a TikTok account. How's it going so far? Very well. In fact, so well that a piece we commissioned this week was read out to Speaker Mike Johnson on Wednesday night on CNN Primetime, and he was forced to respond to a Jewish student at Columbia who we commissioned to write a piece about what's actually happening in Columbia, not the shit you're seeing online. That's cool. So...

You want to, you like debating. By the way, we were inspired by you guys. Partly. And I felt that. Not fully. Not fully. But I was like, look how well these crooked guys are doing. I can do that. I can have a bit of that. Yeah, we do make it look easy. What does the Zateo mean? It means to seek, to inquire, to search for the truth, John. Oh, that's pretty highbrow. Zateo.

It's very ancient Greek. Before we go, because you love to fight, you love to debate, you love to mix it up. Are you going to argue with me? Yeah. I'm challenging you to three rounds of a game we played on Positive America. That's right. It's time for the Master Debaters. Oh, God. Here's how it works. Never heard that pun before.

All right. We have three. We named this an hour ago. We have three hotly debated topics. We each get 15 seconds. It's a short, very short debate. We each get to make one point. You're going to win. But we're assigning the topics randomly. Which side we take? You say as you hold the cards. Well, I have the topics, but I don't know which side we're on. All right. Here we go. The first topic, all right, again, is a 30-second debate. The topic is reclining your seat is morally wrong. All right.

So I'm going to flip it, call it in the air. Heads, you're doing, it's wrong, okay? Okay, I want tails. You got heads, you think reclining your seat is morally wrong, you'll kick us off.

15 seconds? Yeah. All right, let's go. How can it not be morally wrong to put your seat back? We are on the left. We believe in community, solidarity. We're not selfish individuals. If you want to be Ronald Reagan and put your seat back and put yourself above society, that's on you, John. I care about my fellow Americans even when I'm up in the air 15,000 miles up in the air. You be selfish. Fuck. All right, I need my 15 seconds. You selfish individualist prick. Um...

I just... Hey, this doesn't count. Stop the effing clock. He's got to start the clock. He's just buying time. It's just nice to get a little lean. And if I get a little lean and you get a little lean, everybody gets a little lean. No. Except for one row in the back that gets a little bit worse and one row in the front that gets a little better. But that's America. All right. Topic number two. People should be able to bring dogs everywhere. You're going to be... Heads will be defending it.

It's heads. You're joking me. It's just, it's how it's shook. It's that woman's quarter. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not the biggest fans of dogs. I've never made that concession in public because people will hate me for saying that. So let me say tonight, in the interest of saying that I can get things wrong, we should love dogs, bring them everywhere, because we need friends. We're all losers. All right, I'm up. My heart wasn't in that one. Leave your fucking disgusting, dirty, ass-eating dog at home.

We all... This is a supermarket. There's food at the bottom. Stop it. Where did you get this coin from? Why am I ahead every time? All right. You know what? I'll just do the third one first because that's... We'll do the third one first. No, I want to hear what it is first. It's Marjorie Taylor Greene makes some good points. You want to flip or you want me to take it? You flip it. Let's flip it. All right. Again, heads you go first. It's tails. All right. Here's the thing. CrossFit is hard. And...

Sometimes you need a kind of creative spirit. I didn't have it. It was a hard one. It's a really hard one. Oh, yeah, now you can defend. You can say I'm wrong. Marjorie Taylor Greene doesn't have good points. Let's see your skill at work. All right, let's do it. Who gives a fuck about CrossFit? I'm going to wait. It's too easy. Let's give it a few more seconds. All right, Marjorie Taylor Greene said Huma Abedin and Hillary Clinton tore off the skin of a child and put it on their faces. That's Marjorie Taylor Greene. What else does that say?

You know, I lost three debates so quickly. I think you won the dog one. You think I won the dog one? He thinks I won the dog one. The new media company is Zateo. It means truth-seeking in, I want to say Latin. Greek. Matty Haasen, thank you so much for being here. Very much, thanks, Scott. He'll be back for the last game. That was fun. Appreciate it. When we come back, Josh Gottlieb and Sam Jay are here. And we're back.

Please welcome to the stage two absolute freaks of nature. Comedy-wise, I mean. It's the hilarious Sam Jay and the uproarious Josh Gondelman. Hi. Hello. Hello. Hi, hi guys. How are you guys? So you're touring the country. You're both touring and doing shows across the country? Yes. That's right. You notice any difference when you're in a blue city in a red state or a red city in a blue state? No, everybody's dumb.

Although, blue city and a red state, they look both ways and go, thank you for coming here. Is that what happens? Yeah. Even red cities and red states. Whoever shows up for me in Oklahoma City, they kind of go, we can't believe you're here. Oh, yeah. I feel like there's this small town. Yeah, that's true, too. I feel like you just go to a little place where they already know nobody should be there, and they're like, we appreciate you stopping by.

Right, like you're doing a show, but they treat it like you stopped into their restaurant. Yeah. And they're like, have a free slice of pie with that. Because they have to live there, and they know people shouldn't be there. Yeah. This is a segment about political freaks. What political freak do you think is due for a comeback? One pitch, Christina O'Donnell, the Delaware Tea Partier who had to tell everybody she wasn't a witch in 2010. Wow. Oh, I thought she meant freaky like sex freaky. Mm-hmm.

There were plenty of those, too. Yeah, I was about to be like, bring back that sloppy bottom kid. That was getting the butt inside the Senate chambers. Oh, yeah. Just applaud if you're here. No, you're not. Not everyone. I know you're all here. I mean the guy that fucked in the Senate.

Wait, technically that's at least two guys. I appreciate him. You said the guy, but that wasn't just one guy. Yeah, it was definitely two guys. He popped it off. I just, I'm sorry to interrupt. So I said, are you here? And a group of you said, yes, I am.

Like you. Not the you we were talking about, but you personally. Well, we might just have a bunch of people who have fucked in the Senate here. That's another possibility. We don't know. We don't know. This feels like a vibe of people that are going to go home, crank NPR real loud, and get freaky. I think that's happening after this tonight. It's possible.

Get a little Terry Gross. Nice. Nice. Nice. Terry Gross? No, after hours it's Terry Nasty. All thongs considered. That's beautiful. That was awesome. We're having a good time. Okay. Tonight. I'd like to just point out that I had set that all up.

None of that would have happened. I'll give you full credit. None of that would have happened without me. If I didn't say Freaky Sloppy Bottom, we don't get to Terry Gross, Terry Nasty. We don't get to that. I wouldn't have started with Freaky Sloppy Bottom, so I'm very grateful for you. Thank you. It was all fruit of the Sam Jay tree. And speaking of fruit, nope. But what if that had worked? Holy shit.

Tonight we're inaugurating a new segment, Sam. Josh, I'm going to quiz you about some truly top-notch freaks, and at the end, you will have to crown our Freak of the Week. Okay. Let's do it. Yeah. Great. That's nice. First question. This week, runner Tom Gilby went viral after doing what at every mile marker of the London Marathon? You go first. Okay. Okay.

Took a shit. I was going to say doo-doo. We both say took a shit. No, no, no, I'm changing my mind. Okay, fine. Okay, Josh say doo-doo. I'm going to say jerked off, but not to completion. Let's see jerked off, but not to completion on the big board. Even imagine that on Family Feud. Imagine how Steve Harvey would react. No, in fact, he sipped a glass of wine. Oh, that's cute.

We were going way freakier. Oh, and he sniffed it too. He did it right. He put his nose in first. Yeah. Was he running with the wine? He would run, have a sip, keep running. There was somebody waiting with a different glass of wine at every mile marker. What's the problem?

There's no problem. Oh, I thought he got in trouble for this. I'm like, why? It's cute. Yeah, you went way freakier. No, yeah, you went way freaky with it. I was, I don't know where I'm at. I'm sorry. I feel like we're, in this case. I'm going to recalibrate myself. He's sort of a freak in a sweet way. Yeah. You know? He's a sweet freak. Freaky, I got to get my mind off the gutter. You say freaky, you just mean anomaly. I'm saying freaky like doing it in the butt. Yeah. Yeah.

And for some people, that's an anomaly. For others, it's their every goddamn day. Every day. Okay, wow. Some people just have a stamina. True. And a hunger. So we have a clip. He tried a different glass at every stop. Could be a Pinot Noir. Perkins of Pinot Noir from Burgundy. 2018. I'm not trying to say. Say more. Say.

He drank so much wine. That's cool. That's two brags, right? Because it's like, I can run a marathon and I can hold my liquor. Yeah, and I can identify the glasses, the wine as I go. It's like sort of a third brag. No, it's fine. Yeah, this is pretty cool. Yeah, I like this guy. Next up, David Pecker, the insanely named former publisher of the National Enquirer, testified this week at Trump's hush money trial about using a scheme to crush Trump-related stories. What is that scheme called?

It's the broader name, right? Yeah, the broad name. Is it a catch and kill? It is a catch and kill. Oh, yeah. That's what I was going to say, too. We are so aligned tonight, Sam. I wasn't going to say Pussy Busters. There is. I was not going to say that. Mr. Pecker, can you tell us how you orchestrated this Pussy Busters scheme? Do you think having a name like Pecker drove this man to madness? I think that and his face. It was the combo.

Right. Do you think maybe growing up with a name like Pecker, you end up looking like that? Just kind of that look? Not even his looks, just sort of the facial expression. Let me close my, let me do this. You say Pecker, let me envision a face and see if it's the same face. Pecker. Same face. That's crazy. But did you picture that for some reason he's wearing a Yankees jersey under his jacket? He's like, they might need me. This is our year. Next up.

An Australian porn star went viral after he gave a street interview in which he revealed he makes over $80,000 a month on OnlyFans. What is that man's name? Do you know? I know this. This is incriminating. I should have just laid in the cut and let Sam say this. You go. I don't know. His birth name or his professional name?

I would call it his nom de guerre. His nom de guerre, sure. He's got quite a de guerre in his pants. His dick bit? He goes by Girthmaster. That's correct. Girthmaster. His name is... Because I read the news. Oh, wow, he look girthy. His name is the Girthmaster. I like that. I wasn't going to say Pussy Buster. He's both, I think.

When the Girthmaster family, he's actually from Germany, when the Girthmaster family came in through Ellis Island, they changed it to pecker. Did you see it? I caught it late. That's funny. I feel like odds are someone here is a client or a customer of the Girthmaster. He's super thick. A lot of money. He's cute, too. I don't know. I don't think he's cute anymore. I saw him on the big screen. On the little one, it looked better than the big one. But...

I will say he looks girth. But I'm wondering, now I want to know, is it... All right, I'm not going to ask. Because sometimes it can be girthy but short. That ain't fun. He doesn't call himself the chode master. Is it long? I don't think you call yourself the girth master if it's not... Longy? Yeah, and you don't get the 80,000 a month of girth. I don't know the rules of dick. I'm a lesbian. I don't know if you do or don't. You know what I'm saying? It is kind of nice to claim your best quality, though. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, that's just good marketing. That's why my OnlyFans name is GoodAtDarkSouls3. GoodAtDarkSouls3 Master. I think there are other lesbians here because when someone saw this photo, they shouted, I just want that plant. Referring to the plant behind him. That's the girthy thing you want. It's a healthy plant. It's a healthy plant. Look at that. It looks good. It tells you something. $80,000 a month.

Okay. Yeah, he's good a fucking month, Sarah. Save that shit for Emily's Garden Show. Damn, these people are Terry nasty out here. They are. They love it. I was just going to say, you make that $80,000 a month. Why didn't you show us the penis too? That would have helped everything. I wouldn't have asked my chode question.

Yeah, I just think it's hard during the day when you're prepping for the show to send a note saying, reminder, we need a huge picture of a dick to put in the slideshow. Do you want to inform the public or don't you? It'll go between... Okay. Go between Merihasen and the part where I plug future tour dates. Need a huge picture of a schlong. Yeah.

Next up, Carrie Lake grumbled to the Idaho dispatch that the Arizona Supreme Court said this is the law in Arizona. But unfortunately, the people running our state have said they're not going to enforce it. So it's really political theater. What Arizona law is she referring to? It's really political theater. There's a couple of laws in Arizona that are big in the news this week. A couple of girthy laws. I don't I don't know anything about Arizona.

Well, it's even drier than it used to be. Is it, was it the abortion ban? Yeah, it was the abortion ban. I had to get that right, because if I only knew Girthmaster, it'd be pretty humiliating. Yeah. That's Carrie Lake, which is terrible. Three Republicans voted with every House Democrat to overturn the ban, but most of the Republicans were pretty pissed and are throwing off those Republicans.

from their committee. Yeah, I heard about that. I just didn't know that it was happening in Arizona. I kind of, when I hear news like that, I just put it all in this state of crazy whiteness. And I just, I'm like, it's in one of those crazy white places. But I should have paid more attention to the fact that it was Arizona specifically. After losing contact in November, NASA has begun receiving dispatches from the farthest man-made object in the universe. Do you know what that object is? Farthest man-made object in the universe? Yes.

It is the Girthmaster. It does have a gravitational pull, yeah. So it makes sense that we're getting those. Actually, it's the Girthmaster 3000. It's Voyager 1. Was he an outcast? Australian outcast? The Voyager 1 probe came back online and started sending scientific data for the first time in six months. Wow, that's cool. I forgot about Voyager 1.

I think it's... Not real shit. It's cool. I'm still glad Captain Janeway is still working. Is that... Okay. Yeah. A few nerds. Got it. Yeah. So the message came back from Voyager and it says, get Seven of Nine the fuck out of here. This is my show. I don't know what it even means. There we go. There we go. Is that what you were looking for? Thank you. I feel so helped right now. Did they say what the message was? Um...

Help, help, they're crawling all over me. I don't know. That's all we got. Wow. Yeah, it was new parents have it so hard. The ship is 15 billion miles from Earth. So it takes roughly 22.5 light hours for the information. Well, no, that's the distance. It takes 22 hours for the information to reach us from where it is, which is 22.5 light hours away. Oh, they must get so many spoilers about TV shows. Yeah.

Just one day ahead. It's like, it hasn't even popped up on streaming yet. Why are you telling me this? And it's like, we were all watching it once. It was the finale. Voyager. Cool. And finally, and tragically, Karen the Ostrich died after eating what at a Topeka Zoo and Conservation Center? I'm going to say a zoo hot dog. Wait, I've got this. I know this one. Damn. Josh. Keys. Ate a ring of keys. Keys.

Uh, mine. How? Are ostriches can swallow like huge shit even though they neck small like that? No, they can't. Asked and answered. All right. There we have it. Karen sent herself to ostrich heaven, also known as human hell. After reaching through the keys of her enclosure, she snatched the keys.

Do you think that they looked like food to her? Or do you think she saw a bowl full of keys and was like, everyone at the org is coming home with Karen. Like, is it? Okay, so this is, all right. So let me tell you all about mine. Okay, so this reason why I asked seemingly a dumb question. Because you say 10 keys. So now I'm thinking like a big ass janitor ring, like a janitor ring.

Because it's mad keys. So I'm like, how do ostrich, or was it a bunch of keys on a little ring, like enough to swallow and get stuck? I feel like the question you're asking is, was this the key ring to a zookeeper or was this the key ring to a lesbian zookeeper? Yes.

Yes. Yes. Like, what kind of key ring? We're talking about a fun home Bechtel key ring? Like a giant ass realization from across the way that you're a lesbian key ring? Immediately the ostrich can't do that and you can save the ostrich. But if it got down further enough where it was like, he dead, then...

That had to be like a lesbian one. Right. Like, was there a Subaru key on this thing? Yeah. And a bunch of little joints. Yeah. On a carabiner. For like diaries and shit. Yeah. For diaries? Not even singular diaries? A bunch. A bunch. I need to be a better ally. Salmon. Some just for your mom. Some for, you know, separate. Yeah. Yeah.

Must have been awkward waiting to get your keys back. You gotta let them keys go. I guess. That's the right thing to do. I mean, right thing to do as an ostrich. We eat birds. You cut open a bird to get your keys. I mean, that's savage. Think about it. You just let, you just bit, what? You have a few, the one bird funeral happens to be the one where your keys go in the ground? Yeah. This is a zoo bird. If a chicken swallowed your keys, you'd have a different fucking. This is a zoo bird though. It's not just any, these are elite birds. They have the zoot.

We don't... You have to give them the respect of a zoo bird in a zoo bird's funeral. Do you think every ostrich gets buried at sea? No, they bury him in the ground head first. All right. That's perfect place to go to the final moment of this segment, which is when we crown our Freak of the Week.

Just to remind you, we have the Marathon Wine Guy, David Pecker, the Girth Master, Carrie Lake, Voyager One, or Karen the Ostrich. My money's on the ostrich. Is the ostrich our Freak of the Week? What do you think? You can pick a different one. Oh, can we have co-freaks? Yeah.

I'll check with the judges, but I think it can be allowed. The wine guy. The wine marriage wine guy. That's a cute pairing, the wine guy and the ostrich. Yeah. Ironically, the wine guy should have had his keys taken away from him. That's right. That's what happened. She was like, you can't drive home. And the guy was like, it's fine. I have a great metabolism. It's a lot to think about.

Sam Jay, Josh Gondelman, thank you so much for being here. You can check out Josh's tour dates at joshgondelman.com and Sam Jay, Salute Me or Shoot Me is on HBO Max. Yes. Hell yeah. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way.

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And we're back! Sometimes I gotta muscle it out of them. Senator Franken, Mette Hasse, come on out here. First of all, this is the part where I'm gonna say the things I forgot to say earlier. And everybody check out the Al Franken podcast. Thank you. I plugged the fuck out of your thing. In honor of this most sacred week, Passover, we wanted to close out the show with a lively round of... Smash or pass. Yay! Yay!

Here's how it works. I'll throw out a topic, and together we're going to decide if we would smash or pass over it. It's as simple as that. It's a good or bad thing. First up, jumbo slices. Jumbo slices. Pass or smash? I don't know what that is. You don't know what a jumbo slice is? Like a jumbo slice of pizza? Yeah. That's like elephant cold cuts, right? A lot of smash, always. Anything bigger. Have you ever had a jumbo slice in D.C.? A jumbo slice is a giant piece of pizza. I can envision it.

That's what we need from leadership, people who can imagine a better world. Basically, I don't even know if legally you can sell them before 10 p.m. because of medically what it does to the body, but it's a giant piece of pizza that drunk people buy in Adams Morgan in this city. It's on a late night tip. But I know a guy if you want one in the morning.

You can get one. You can get one. I got you a morning jumbo guy if you need him. But that's what happens. You start by having him at night. Yeah. It has to come with fentanyl on top, but he'll make you pay for the pizza and gift you. Oh, you buy the pizza. So that's the same as the weed here. And then I wink at him and I say, keep the fentanyl. Because I am here for the pizza. It is antithetical to the spirit of Passover, right? A giant slice of pizza.

Yeah, but I'm still going to smash. Smash. Smash. Okay, great. Next one. I'll smash it too. You'll smash it? You're a smash. I'm a smash. Smash is across the board. Next up, flying in a Boeing. I have a question. Does anyone know a good airplane? Airbus? Evidently, one of the best. Witches?

They're one of the best. Bowling. Bowling is one of the best. Yes. As far as, if you're going to book a top five. Aren't they all like bowling? Half of them. Half of them. What's the other, what are the other ones? The ones up in the air. Is it Airbus, Amtrak? Seriously, what's the other plane company? It's Airbus. Airbus makes, are they the ones that make Spirit? I saw a report on this.

I saw a report on this by a guy who knew an awful lot about the industry, and he said that they're safe. Did he say it like that? He said it exactly like that. They're safe? No, he said that...

They're safe. John, we're in D.C. with the shittest roads in America, potholes everywhere. I'll take a plane over driving in America any day of the week. Okay, that's a good point. With bridges falling down. I'll take a plane. That's a good point. I'm taking the Boeing. I'm smashing the Boeing. Let's slow down.

The bridge got hit. That bridge. That bridge. But there were plenty of other bridges. You're blaming the victim a little bit. Blaming the victim a little bit. The bridge didn't fall down. The bridge was fucking murdered. That bridge. You know, I'm just going to put that on us. Yeah. That bridge. That one. There's plenty of bridges that have fallen down in America. We're not talking about those ones. There's an infrastructure. What is it? Biden's infrastructure bills for a reason. Yeah, that's exactly right. A really important point. Biden has passed a lot of important infrastructure laws. Yes.

Maybe we can meet in the middle. We got to get Toyota making airplanes. Hell yeah. I love flying. I'm smashing. All right. Smash. Smash or pass over? I'm going to say pass and then forget to do the research and smash by accident. It's like when you sleep with an attractive person, it's like you can't lie and say you're not smashing. I fly all the time. So I'm smashing, but I don't want to be. Mm-hmm.

As I said, I heard an expert on them who said that they're reliable planes. Yeah. Here's my feeling about it. Every day, people are crashing their cars into God knows what and each other. Don't. That's a weird clap. I know it's an agreement clap.

But you can get like a thumbs up. The point I'm making, doors fall off of cars every goddamn day. Doesn't make the news. Nobody got sucked out of that Boeing. Could have. They didn't. Nobody died. I was kind of glad that no one came out. I thought that spoke to the craftsmanship of the plane. I'll tell you what. That the door came off and they was just looking outside like, all right. Whoever makes...

Whoever makes the seatbelts at Boeing does a hell of a job. Those seatbelts are best in the business. I said, this might be okay. It made me less scared of crashing. I was like, we get to a certain feet, we can rock with no doors. Yeah. People take the doors off their cars sometimes on purpose, like a Jeep. Yeah, a Wrangler. It's a Boeing Wrangler. That's pretty cool. That is pretty sick. All right. Next up. But I've heard that they're reliable. That's good.

He's missed in the Senate. Absolutely. Next up, smoothies. Oh, shit. Oh, come on. No. Yes. Too healthy. Are they healthy? I don't know. Are they healthy? No. They're just a poor man's milkshake. I think they're a rich man's milkshake. When I say poor, I don't mean financial. I mean just a sad, pathetic person who's not having a milkshake. That's a good point. It's a healthy man's milkshake. People...

People of all genders can enjoy it. I've never had a smoothie. You've never had a smoothie? I've never had a smoothie in my life. I'm 44 years old. I've never had a smoothie. Wow, you are... Well, live a little. Give it a try. It won't kill you. Yeah, you should have a smoothie. You don't even know who you are yet, baby. There's a whole world out here waiting for you. I have a very narrow palate. Don't you have any curiosity? No. No.

Don't care. Zitao means... I'm kind of an ancient Greek scholar. Search for the truth, not for a substandard milkshake. Oh, okay. You don't know. You've never tasted the thing. My father has also never tried sushi. I've never tried sushi. What? What? Never tried it. You've never walked around with a belly full of blended fruit and you've never had a good piece of raw fish over rice and you're out here toting about opinions. Yeah.

That we're all supposed to take serious. Tonight, we're blending up some raw fish. We're cooling it down. We've invented smooshy. Do you eat much of anything? I do. I eat very unhealthy food. That's what I eat. I eat burgers. I drink milkshakes. I eat ice cream. I ate ice cream before I came here. You look great. You look good. You look good. What?

You eat fish? I do eat fish, if I have to. But you've never tried sushi? You've never tasted it? I already said that, John. No, no, I know, but... But, and, and, is it, because like my father... I've never had a lot of things. I have a very narrow palate. I've never drunk coffee. I've never drunk tea. But how do you know your palate is... All right, man, we gotta really reject all your opinions. I don't think you are allowed to talk on anything.

We're simply out of time, but I have so many guys like we've got stuff we've we've had we've set out our way I'm really interesting fun. I've never shared any of the stuff publicly. We just brought this like a therapy session Why do I have such a limited palette? Why am I not more curious about food be this a tail you want to see in the world? Yes, just keep saying But my father my father won't eat sushi because he calls it quote bait end quote. Oh

I respect that shit. And he thinks it's dangerous, but then I say, but you know that everybody in Japan's okay, right? Like, you know that millions of people eat it every day. I'm trying to restrain myself from saying I've never been fishing either. Well, that's okay. That's an activity. Yeah, fine. Just checking. I guess that's the end of the segment. You have... Wow. I think we just have to end it. I agree. I think we all have to go home. Hard Passover on smoothies. Yeah.

Where did that smoothie take us? So pass on smoothies, but pass on a lot of great parts of life. Yeah. Are you kidding me? I ice cream today before I came here. There's more to life than ice cream. No, not really. You're not five. I kind of am. I kind of am. Me and Joe Biden. I honestly, I love how hard you go politically, yet you have reached across the aisle and embraced a fully Republican diet. Yeah.

Just burgers and milkshakes. That's good. All right, we're going to say goodbye to our incredible guests. Thank you so much to Mehdi. Thank you so much to Josh, to Sam, to Senator Al Franken. That was so much fun. Appreciate you so much. So good to see you. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. So good to see you. Thanks for being here. And we're back. Before we do the high notes, DC, you've been fantastic. The book that John, Tommy, and I wrote, we have...

some book plates that you can stick with. The book's not even printed yet, but we're going to sign some of these. I'm going to sign some of these tonight back there. So if you pre-order the book at crooked.com slash books or the QR code on the screen in the lobby, or you already have it pre-ordered, that works too. Just come and we'll give you a book plate and you have to prove it because we don't believe any of you. But anyway, I'll be back there. All right, now it is time for the high notes. We are over, so I'm going to just do a couple high notes. So can we bring up the lights?

If you have a high note, Kendra's right there. Go to Kendra. Kendra does not come to you. Hi, John. I'm Sarah. I'm from Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. And in Philadelphia last year, I told you I was running for school board and we swept it. Hell yeah. And last month I got to vote for the first time to keep a book on the shelf and not be banned. Great. Thank you. Thank you. Hi, what's your name? What's your high note?

Hi, John. My name is Carol. I'm from the Virgin Islands. And I know you said, don't talk about being here, but I am going to talk about that, but for a totally different reason. Because I originally planned this trip to DC because I thought I was leaving during Carnival, but I got the dates wrong. And I came the week before Carnival, but then it turned out that this was the week that you were going to be here and also the week of the Supreme Court argument. So today, I got to go down to the Supreme Court, stand in line, not get in, but yell and scream at the

protest and also be interviewed by C-SPAN and listen to some crazy Trump person be interviewed and it was weird. And then I got to be here all because I came here on the wrong week. So that's my high note. Seems like you came here on the right week.

Seems like it was the right week. Hi, what's your name? What's your high note? Hi, my name is Delphine. I'm from Toronto, Ontario, Canada, weirdly. Thank you. And my high note's kind of goofy. It's that I am just halfway done university now, which is great because the first two years were hard and I'm hoping the last two years will be a lot easier. Yeah, that's great. Hi, what's your name? What's your high note?

Hi, my name is Allison. I'm a librarian at Anne Arundel County Public Library in Maryland.

Thank you. It's the county surrounding Annapolis, and my high note is that today, Governor Westmore signed into law two really important acts, the Freedom to Read Act, which protects the library workers as we do our jobs, and the Library Workers Empowerment Act, which secures all of our collective bargaining rights.

That's great. Thank you so much. We're going to have to leave it there. So sorry, but thank you everybody who shared a high note tonight. If you want to send us a high note, you can leave us a voice memo to lowlyhighnotes at gmail.com or if you're a friend of the pod, you can leave one in the Discord. DC, thank you so much. That is our show. Thank you.

Thank you to Al Franken, Mehdi Hassan, Sam Jay, and Josh Gondelman. Thank you to the Lincoln Theater. Thank you to everybody for coming out tonight. There are 191 days until the 2024 elections, so have a great night and have a great weekend. Thanks, everybody.

If you're already doom scrolling, don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on Instagram and Twitter. You can also find Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to your favorite segments and other exclusive content. And if you're as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review. Finally, you can join our Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and a great discussion on Discord. Plus, it's a great way to get involved with Vote Save America. So sign up today at crooked.com slash friends.

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