Ey, I’m Convictin’ Here! feat. Ian Karmel
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Vitamin water is from New York. We needed a drink that can keep up with the music scene in the city. We got to see our favorite DJ perform in Brooklyn at 3 a.m. Or sing karaoke in the village also at 3 a.m. Drink vitamin water. It's from New York.

Please welcome to the stage, your host for the evening,

Ian Carmel! Welcome to Love It or Leave It. I'm your guest host, Ian Carmel. If you think the Love It or Leave It team had the foresight to book a gay host for the first show of Pride Month, you'd be wrong. I'm straight. I am straight as hell. I am so straight that I brought my wife, Dana Schwartz, with me tonight. Yeah, I'm the one with the emotional attachment issues.

We're progressive that way. My good friend Preacher Lawson is also here to set some puppies aflame, and Hallie Kiefer and I discuss the tragic combination of T-shirts and the pool. Then we'll all put on our Pope hat and say, I'm a sorry. But first, let's get into it. What a week! Obviously, we're going to start with the biggest news of the day, the new Deadpool and Wolverine popcorn bucket. LAUGHTER

Boy, is my mouth watering. No, of course I'm talking about the Manhattan jury finding Donald Trump guilty on all 34 counts in his Stormy Daniels hush money trial. Guilty. We did it, Joe! Guilty on all 34 counts. Do you know what this means? No, I'm seriously asking. There have never been any consequences of any kind whenever this stuff happens. Does this actually... Does this one actually mean anything?

No, okay, well, the ruling officially makes Donald Trump the first president to become a convicted felon. Unofficially, he's like the 40th. But can he become the first felon to be elected president? The jury is still out, but probably. All right, up for Stormy Daniels really quick. Make some noise for Stormy Daniels. Bad sex, incredible outcome. In the end, t'was beauty that killed the beast.

Judge Juan Merchan has set a sentencing hearing for July 11th, and that's smart. Give him a few weeks to yell himself hoarse first. Let him get all the zoomies out, right? But I'm just glad we're getting one last 4th of July in there before the nation erupts into civil war. What, too dark? Too dark of a joke?

Too real. All right, okay, we're moving on. Trump addressed the press after the verdict. This was a disgrace. This was a rigged trial by a conflicted judge who was corrupt. Well, well, well, look who's awake.

Do you think he struggled with that one, by the way? Should I say a corrupt judge who was conflicted or a conflicted judge who was corrupt? What does everyone think? Should we take a poll? Fox News pundits also took the verdict in stride. Here's Jeanine Pirro. We have gone over a cliff in America. And I agree. But like when you go over a cliff on a roller coaster. I can't stop giggling and I really want a corndog.

The Biden campaign reacted to the convictions in a statement saying, there is still only one way to keep Donald Trump out of the Oval Office, at the ballot box. Convicted felon or not, Trump will be the Republican nominee for president. The Biden campaign is like your friend who you tell about your big raise and they're like, you know that's pre-tax, right? But the Biden campaign makes a great point.

Nothing means anything. It was the perfect end to a perfect week. In case you somehow missed it, on Tuesday, President Biden and Donald Trump held dueling press conferences outside the hush money trial. That's right, it's the three most exciting words in politics. Dueling press conferences. This is like Coachella for people who fall asleep to this podcast.

I actually think this is a great idea. We should start doing more stuff outside of the Trump hush money trial. Have the NBA draft there. The Spurs drafted Victor Wimbanyama, here with analysis, the necrotic corpse of Steve Bannon.

Biden came out swinging at his press conference, dispatching actor Robert De Niro and former Capitol Police officers present on January 6th to attack Trump in the press. And yeah, Robert De Niro was the name that Biden tossed out there when he was trying to remember Pete Buttigieg, but you know what? It worked out. But it just goes to show you, whether it's a movie or a Biden, Robert De Niro is always ready to promote an Irishman.

Said De Niro... We New Yorkers used to tolerate him when he was just another grubby real estate hustler masquerading as a big shot. I love this city. I don't want to destroy it. Donald Trump wants to destroy not only the city, but the country, and eventually he could destroy the world. And De Niro has skin in the game here. His kids are the next generation. And also the generation after that. He has so many kids in so many generations. LAUGHTER

Trump later responded, writing on Truth Social, I never knew how small, both mentally and physically, wacko former actor Robert De Niro was. And just like that, Trump has lost the short king vote. And look, not to give Trump any credit, but actors are shorter than you think. Barry Keoghan is sleeping peacefully in my pocket right now.

Ranted the former president, Robert, whose movies, artistry, and brand have gone way down in value since he entered the political arena at the request of crooked Joe Biden, looked so pathetic and sad out there. Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? The last line is lyrics from Mrs. Robinson, which is from The Graduate, which suggests that Trump is mixing up Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman. Hey, idiot!

and Italians aren't the same. We just happen to share almost every physical trait and cultural stereotype and also play each other a lot in movies and you know what? Actually, it was a reasonable mistake.

Meanwhile, closing arguments concluded inside the courthouse. Trump's defense hammered home their main points. Michael Cohen is a liar, and there was nothing wrong with using an NDA to silence Stormy Daniels during the campaign. Trump has long maintained that he never had sex with Stormy Daniels at all. On Wednesday, however, the Daily Beast published an account from an anonymous celebrity athlete who says Trump publicly bragged about sleeping with the adult film star at a 2006 golf tournament. A

Apparently, it was in response to the question, do you play golf? Speaking outside the court as the jury began their deliberations Tuesday, Trump told reporters, Mother Teresa could not beat these charges. But we'll see. In the alternate reality where Mother Teresa had sex with Stormy Daniels and tried to cover it up because she was running for president, can she beat the charges isn't even my 10th question.

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito said in letters to Congress this week that he will not recuse himself from the court's January 6th cases despite having flown Stop the Steal flags at two of his homes. Is he prejudiced in favor of Trump? I'd say just Alito bit.

I know this isn't the point of the story, by the way, but recuse sounds like a word a toddler makes up because they can't remember the word excuse, right? Like, recuse me, do you like Woblox? It's cute. It's a cute show.

Wrote Alito, the two incidents you cite do not meet the conditions for recusal. As I have stated publicly, I had nothing whatsoever to do with the flying of that flag. I was not even aware of the upside down flag until it was called to my attention. Alito once again claimed that his wife was solely responsible and wrote, my wife is a private citizen and she possesses the same First Amendment rights as every other American. She makes her own decisions and I have always respected her right to do so.

Now, as far as some of my wife's other rights are concerned... No, he didn't actually say that last part. I think it does say something that some of the people in the audience were like, oh, my God, he said it out loud. But added, you know, my wife is fond of flying flags. I am not. How do these crazy kids make it work, right? It's a classic story, really. Constitutional originalist boyfriend, flag enthusiast girlfriend. LAUGHTER

Over in Tennessee, Republican candidate for state Senate Charlie Cooper was dinged after potential voters noticed him posting AI headshots of himself in which he looked appreciably hotter. Take a look. Eagle-eyed observers first suspected something was amiss when it came to light that Cooper is not, in fact, a Los Angeles area real estate agent. Can someone please send me some good things that AI is doing? Because so far, it just seems like it's ruining art and making politicians look like the fifth lead on a CBS procedural.

Speaking of stuff getting ruined, Florida declared its bridges will only display red, white, and blue lights as part of the state's Freedom Summer, preventing the use of rainbow lights for Pride Month. Happy Freedom Summer. Purple is now illegal. The burden of representation now lays only heavier on the world's preeminent gay bridge, Mario Kart's Rainbow Road. That's my stone wall.

I threw the first red shell. Breaking news, a red, white, and blue Florida bridge has been spotted flying upside down on the Alito's flagpole. Meanwhile, over in Italy, Pope Francis publicly apologized for using a gay slur in a closed-door meeting this week. The Catholic Church has quickly responded by condemning the Pope's actions and promising he will be transferred to another Vatican. Yeah.

Pope Francis said, quote, my language was hurtful. What I should have said was, which one of you proud LGBT men wants to suck the Pope's dick? When asked what he thought of gay men entering the priesthood, the Pope reportedly said there was already too much frucciagini in the seminaries for his liking.

I want the audience in here and at home to know that I did not enjoy repeating that term at all. But hey, when in Rome. Scientists have found evidence that Canada's invasive wild hogs, often referred to as super pigs, are poised to expand their population into the United States. I have just one question about this. Hogs.

I don't want to see that shit. The only wild Canadian hogs I want to see are the following in order. Ryan Gosling, Keanu Reeves, Joshua Jackson, and purely out of curiosity, Jay Baruchel. In entertainment news, Furiosa, a Mad Max saga, came to a screeching halt last weekend, making only $31 million in theaters on a budget of over $168 million. Damn. More like Anya Taylor sad. LAUGHTER

More like a Sad Max saga. Better. Wow. Wow, I knew there were a lot of films in the Mad Max saga, but I didn't realize we were already up to chapter 11. Ah!

As of Sunday, Furiosa was neck and neck with the Garfield movie, with Sony and Warner Brothers each claiming their film took the number one spot. It's interesting because these two movies could not be more different. One is a harrowing, blood-soaked vision of societal collapse, and the other is part of the Mad Max franchise. In the end, Furiosa just barely eked past Garfield, which earned around $25 million. Sorry, Garfield. Sounds like Mondays don't like you either.

On an episode of the Honestly with Barry Weiss podcast, Jerry Seinfeld called for the return of traditional masculinity, shouting out guys like JFK, Muhammad Ali, and Sean Connery, and saying this. I miss a dominant masculinity. Yeah, I get the toxic thing. But still, I like a real man. Seems weird to miss the kind of guy who would have dunked your head in a high school toilet, but to each their own.

Also, why is this on a podcast? Put it on your Hinge profile and keep moving. Seinfeld said he was nostalgic for a time when there was a clearer sense of social hierarchy. Ah, yes, the good old days. When it was real men at the top, all the other men second from the top, then rich white women, then purebred dogs, then Italians, and everyone else in a big pile at the bottom. Seinfeld also raved about Hugh Grant, who was a great guy.

who stars in Seinfeld's new Pop-Tart movie, Unfrosted, as an example of a real man. He knows how to dress. He knows how to talk. He's charming. He has stories. He's comfortable at dinner parties. Knows how to get a drink. You know what I mean? That stuff. Oh, I get it now. Seinfeld likes real men, like the effete British dandy from the Pastry movie.

Director Rian Johnson dropped a teaser this week on X for the next installment of the Knives Out franchise, titled Wake Up, Dead Man, A Knives Out Mystery. Knives Out, a franchise I like to call What If Foghorn Leghorn Was Low-Key Sexy? LAUGHTER

Don't worry. We weren't just teasing you up top. Ryan Reynolds really did debut a Deadpool and Wolverine popcorn bucket to rival that of Dune's sandworm popcorn bucket, shaped like Wolverine's open mouth. Here it is now. I'm old enough to remember when you put your penis in the bottom of the popcorn bucket.

And just in time for summer, a new study came out revealing that rivers and streams in Alaska have been turning rust-colored over the last several years due to thawing permafrost releasing toxic chemicals into the waterways. Take a look. This is bad news for those of us who had a ton of money riding on the rivers are turning orange for some sort of non-apocalyptic reason. Personally, I had my money riding on cross-promotion for the Garfield movie.

A deep-sea explorer and billionaire real estate investor have teamed up to develop a new submersible that can visit the Titanic wreck site to prove that it's actually super safe. Okay, when I point to the audience, we're all going to say uncontrollable boner together, okay? All right, here we go. You know what they say. Those who don't learn from history are doomed to have an... For the Titanic, for some reason. You guys didn't have any problem with it, was you?

Once they can come up with a design that's safe, the team plans to move on to other challenges, like designing one that isn't a costly, tedious ordeal that's like desecrating a mass grave from inside a drainage pipe filled with other people's farts. And finally, a Michigan woman has named her baby Lily after the seafood restaurant where she wound up giving birth. Lily was then introduced to her older sister, Bathtub at Radisson.

And now a little segment we're calling America's Least Wanted. This week, we're headed to Pennsylvania, a place whose chief exports are the Declaration of Independence and football fans who huck batteries at people.

The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, don't you dare call it a state, you no-good sons of bitches, is back in the headlines because Joe Biden needs those sweet, sweet electors come November. But Democrats also need three-term incumbent Bob Casey to hang on to his seat as well. And his Republican challenger? Dave McCormick, who, like all of our greatest champions of the common man, is a former hedge fund CEO.

McCormick famously spent $14 million of his own money to lose a 2022 Senate primary to Dr. Oz. That's right. Pennsylvania's GOP voters found Dave McCormick less appealing than the TV doctor who killed hundreds of dogs and fully lived in New Jersey. For $14 million, he could have bought a yacht, invited Dr. Oz on it, and then pushed him overboard in international waters. And here I am giving away ideas for free.

Voters did change their tune about McCormick this year when he ran against a slightly less formidable primary opponent. Nobody. But McCormick might run into the same pesky problem that befell Dr. Oz. Not living in Pennsylvania. He does own a home in Pittsburgh. Yeah.

But reviews of public records indicate that he still almost exclusively lives on Connecticut's Gold Coast, which is one of the densest concentrations of wealth in the country. His house in Westport, Connecticut, features a 1,500-bottle wine cellar. And I bet this cask of a Montalado-ass bitch lures his enemies down there. But not to kill them, just to talk about the importance of the carried interest tax loophole.

Also, sorry, why does McCormick even want this job? You have a net worth of over $100 million and you want to hang out with Ted Cruz all day? You want to have to stare into Mitch McConnell's jowls and have them stare back into you? If I had Dave McCormick's money, you would never hear from me ever again. And we know this race may not strike you as particularly sexy. We know Bob Casey versus Dave McCormick sounds like the finalists for the Iowa State Fairs backgammon tournament.

But holding on to the Senate, especially in the event of a Donald Trump presidency, couldn't be more important. If Bob Casey loses, he'll be replaced by a guy who opposes abortion and gun control and looks like he wants to imprison the X-Men. So if you want to stop this rich son of a bitch and conservatives just like him, then head over to votesaveamerica.com slash 2024 to find out what the hell to do about it. This has been America's Least Wanted.

Coming up, Ryder and my wife, in that order, Dana Schwartz. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Each year, the International Rescue Committee's Emergency Watchlist Report assesses the 20 countries at greatest risk of new or worsening humanitarian emergencies. These countries are home to only 10.6% of the world's population, but carry a disproportionate burden of global humanitarian crisis. The civil war in Sudan has left over 24 million in need of humanitarian aid.

while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis,

and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. Mm-hmm. And I walk pundit. I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Ha ha ha!

Healthy, very healthy call. That's real. That's real. Sorry, Dr. Christie, I can't do therapy. I got to go on Anderson Cooper. You can watch. I'll be saying the same things I'll be saying to you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash love it to get 10% off your first month. Obviously,

Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it.

Vitamin water is from New York. We needed a drink that can keep up with the music scene in the city. We got to see our favorite DJ perform in Brooklyn at 3 a.m. Or sing karaoke in the village also at 3 a.m. Drink vitamin water. It's from New York. Before we get to the next segment, I've been asked to read this ad that was clearly supposed to be read by John Lovett. But I'll do my best, I guess. What's up, gays and bays? This...

This episode of Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Furiosa, a Mad Max saga. You might have heard that this movie ate box office shit on Memorial Day weekend. Here's what you may not know. That was all according to plan because we meant this as a pride movie all along. Oh boy. Okay. Yes, queen. We forgot to put this in any of the trailers or the final cut of the movie, but Furiosa is actually gay as hell, henny.

Oh, and her despicable kidnapper, Dementus? He never mentions it, but he hooked up with guys in college. So get your LGBTQ plus ass to the movie theater this Pride weekend because the only person thirstier than the citizens of Mad Max's post-apocalyptic society will be you after watching this hot, queer, non-binary sleigh.

Furiosa, a Mad Max saga. It's hard to tell just from looking at them, but all the crazy trucks are Subarus. Please welcome to the stage a very smart lady, Dana Schwartz. More clapping, it's my wife. More clapping for my, yeah, yeah. I am his wife. Also, New York Times two-time number one best-selling author, host of the Noble Blood podcast, television writer, yeah.

Way too good for me. Smart and everything except picking a lifelong mate. Fingers crossed. Dana, we're married and live in the same house. How's that going, do you think? I think pretty good. I mean, both of us aren't super neat, which is good. We're sort of the equal levels of messiness. It's nice of you to include yourself in that.

- I'm more type A, but I don't think I'm obsessively neat, which I do think would be a, I like that you don't make a big deal when I leave things around and vice versa. - You leave the counters very dirty, and I will leave clothes and boxes in every part of the house. - Yeah, so it balances out. - It's very nice of you to say it balances out. So if you had to grade me on someone to live with? - Like an A minus. - Oh, thank you very much, all right. I'd give you a C plus. You told the Lovator Leader producers.

You told the Love and Relief producers you believe TikTok is ruining restaurant culture. Oh, yeah. And maybe even food entirely? Yeah. What the hell are you talking about? I don't think TikTok is good for anyone's brain. Sure. Like, if they ban TikTok, like, I'll be happy, actually. Yeah, yeah. Well, you often find yourself in league with Republican Congress people, right? Yeah, we have a lot in common. We mostly agree with things. I think that if you've ever gone on TikTok, you see people, like, posting, like,

I just found this restaurant. And they just try to find like things that are the most like outrageous, like a burger that's like six burgers tall and like covered in cheese. And it's not even good. The whole point of it is just to be more than whatever came before. So we're in this like arms race of like new shapes for croissants that actually we don't need.

They do have like cube croissants now. No, you know what it is now? I don't know if anyone's seen this. It's like flat croissants that you fry in caramel. And I'm like, the whole point of croissants is that they're like... No, don't. Why flatten a croissant? I don't know. So it gets juicier? I don't know, like...

Do you never, do you never just, sometimes I'll flatten a croissant and eat it. Like those Costco croissants that were just like dripping with whatever it was Costco was putting in those croissants. Well, that's, that's what these TikToks are doing. They're taking the Costco croissants, they're rolling them out, they're frying them in butter and sugar. And now you're going to do that. You know what? I am going to do it. And I'm going to leave the mess out for a week too.

Do you know where this mission got started? Where? I feel like in Bloody Marys. Oh, I was going to say Salt Bay. No, I think this predates Salt Bay. Yeah. Even predates Salt Bay, although he is definitely a perpetrator of this. You, like, Bloody Mary used to just... When I was a kid drinking Bloody Marys...

You know, sometimes there'd be a piece of celery in it, right? And then this Bloody Mary arms race started. You put the full hamburger. No, yeah. First they started adding like there's a pepperoni stick and like, oh, that's cute. That's fun. I'm already devastating my sodium for the day. So why not add that? And then all of a sudden they started like olives too. And then, yeah. And then it was like a cheeseburger and then like an entire Chicago deep dish pizza. Yeah.

So I've actually never had a Bloody Mary because I don't really like alcohol. And if I'm going to have it, I want it to be delicious and sweet. And I'm like, I don't like... It's like a savory tomato. Do you not like... It's like tomato soup. You could dip a grilled cheese sandwich in a Bloody Mary. Well, that sounds good. I would rather just dip a grilled cheese in tomato soup. But that won't get you drunk. But you know what I like?

You know what I like more than this Bloody Mary arms race is the milkshake with the slice of cake on it. I have ordered one of those and I have had one of those. You ate the entire thing? No, I shared it. But I have ordered one of them. I've partaken in the culture. I took a picture and posted it. Of the giant milkshake wearing a Kentucky Derby lady hat? It's going to the royal wedding. So you think, okay, good take. Good take. C plus. In...

In happier news for our household, Claire Saffitz is going back to her gourmet makes roots on YouTube. Oh, I know. Well, yeah, you sent this in. Not to break the illusion of show business, but you did. These were the questions you asked me to ask you. Yeah. The things I'm really excited about. Team me up for Claire Saffitz. All right. What does Claire Saffitz mean to you and do I have to fight her? I don't know.

I don't know if anyone followed the whole Bon Appetit saga, but the loss of the Bon Appetit test kitchen, which really did sort of keep me afloat during the pandemic was personally devastating to me. And so the fact that Claire Saffitz is back recreating gourmet treats, it's like the, the only legacy sequel that I want. So what is it? So what,

When you say recreating gourmet treats, what do you mean? What is she doing? So she's a pastry chef or just like a professional chef. And she's also not like super cheerful. She's not like a Food Network chef. She's like kind of mean in a really good way. Oh, she doesn't come up with like cute little nicknames for everything in the kitchen? No, she's not cute. She's like, we're going to cut up some broccaccini boom boom, you know, like that. None of that. And she like gets visibly frustrated when things go wrong. Oh, perfect. In like a good way. Yeah. And she takes like grocery store like ho-hos or whatever and like tries to make them at home in the most accurate recreation possible. Oh.

The gourmet versions of it. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Why hasn't that happened at our house? I'm not asking. That feels very impressive. She loves baking. I didn't say. You know what I've made for you on multiple occasions? What? Those grocery store cookies. Yo.

On request. They're like a real challenge to make. I have to pull out a spice grinder to get powdered strawberries. You have to buy xanthan gum from the internet. Yeah, it's really specific, and I've made those for you multiple times. Please reassure the audience that I didn't just yell at you to bake me something and that you actually enjoy baking. I do. If you can tell by my obsession with Claire Savage, I bake a lot. I feel like I was putting some real Ralph Cramden vibes out there for a second. All right.

Dana. Yeah. You've written two books that I am both contractually obligated and overjoyed to shout out. These books are called Anatomy, a Love Story and Immortality, a Love Story. As someone who has written romance. Yeah. By the way, they're out on paperback. Out on paperback. Get them wherever paperbacks are sold. Three weeks in a row on the indie bestseller list. They're indie bestsellers. Back on the list after two years.

As someone who has written romance, tell me, what makes for a good love story? Oh, tension. A little bit of tension at the beginning and waiting just long. In a book. This is not in real life. In a book, tension and then waiting just long enough that the reader really wants it to happen and then letting the characters come together. How long is too long to wait?

It happens at like the 60% mark. 60% mark? Yeah. That feels right. Yeah, yeah, 60%. I feel like 60% feels right. Yeah, like 90% of the way people are like, what the heck? You have to, the formula is sort of 60% and then another obstacle and then they come back together. People are agreeing. People have read romance books. They know. It would be very funny to write a romance book and then set up like they're about to hook up and then just end the book right before it happens. Yeah.

Has somebody done like a romance blue balls novel yet? I mean, they would make them by the sequel. They make them by the sequel. Yeah. As a quick follow-up, do you think we have a love affair for the ages? Yeah, of course. Even though we did like pretty much immediately start dating. Yeah. And then pretty immediately I moved in and we got married. You came on my podcast. We talked about Shrek. You roasted me for liking it. And then bing, bang, boom, we were married. I want to defend myself because this Shrek thing has gone very far. No, no, no. We'll move on. Great.

You can host this show next time and I'll sit there and then you can talk about Shrek. Great, me too. Which is why we're going to play a game we're calling, I want everyone to shout it out with me, it's called Love is Bond, which is why we're going to play a game that we're calling... Oh, that's fun. Look at the little logo. Oh, you get a little logo there. You look so beautiful in that picture. Thank you, baby. I'm going to tell you about a beautiful love story and then I'm going to ask you to rank it against our relationship. Oh, okay. Which again started with Shrek. Shrek.

In terms of passion, is this a more passionate love affair than ours or not? Does this game make sense? Yeah. Does it make sense to you? All right. Well, love doesn't make sense, baby, so let's play. Is this love affair more passionate than ours? Millie Bobby Brown and Jake Bon Jovi. Oh, no.

- I feel like the answer has to be no, because I know they're adults, but they're just children in my head. - Boy, that dude looks a lot like Bon Jovi. It looks like he felt like the mother wasn't involved at all, like he fell off of Bon Jovi at some point. - He reproduced via budding? - In 2001, he fell off of Bon Jovi while he was on a jog in really tight shorts, and then just started following him.

I'm going to say less passionate because unfortunately I still think of her. I know that this is on me and it's not right because she's an adult woman, but I still think of her as a child. Well, she's 20. You know, that's pretty young. Yeah. 20 is pretty young. That's like people got married at that age in the 40s. But like anymore, that seems insane. Give it a minute, Billy Bobby Brown. Is our relationship better than Ron DeSantis and Donald Trump? More passionate. Is our relationship more passionate?

They're back together. Honestly, I think no, because they have sort of like this kinky thing happening. There's like a humiliation fetish happening. It's the breaking up, getting back together. Like there's a, we're a pretty simple, straightforward love story. Again, like Matt,

Got together, got married, moved in, you know, live in a house. This is like some like psycho drama happening. No, this is more passionate. Also, we've never been to Fort Lauderdale together. And those two are always in Fort Lauderdale. What's happening down there? In Fort Lauderdale? Yeah. She can't afford it. Can you? Oh, yeah. We have the same bank account. No, no, no, no, no. No, we don't.

uh he just a reminder uh trump has called ron de santis de sanctimonious tiny d shut down ron and although he publicly denied it reportedly meatball ron that's the cutest you have almost no nicknames for me he has like four nicknames i'll start calling you meatball ron say no more is our love affair more passionate than ben affleck and jennifer lopez

I'm going to say yes, just because Ben Affleck's face always looks so deeply unhappy. There's no, it doesn't look

It doesn't look like there's passion and it doesn't look like there's life in there. It looks like a Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee is the only thing keeping him going in the morning. Yeah. Well, who among us? Their marriage is reportedly on the rocks. Yeah, that's what I've heard. Entertainment Weekly is reporting on Wednesday that Ben feels like Jen has a hard time feeling satisfied and that's one of the issues they're facing. I find it hard to believe that Jennifer Lopez is a difficult woman to please. Yeah.

I think she's an easygoing. She just, everything about her seems easygoing. If we've learned anything this year, it's to not talk trash about Jennifer Lopez on podcasts. Oh, no. It's okay. I'm not a performer. I'll never be on this now. Weird to call Jennifer Lopez Jen. Jen? Did I say Jen? No, they do. Oh, yeah. Things to consider. The only thing dreamier than getting swept away on a wave of nostalgia is a man who will carry fresh Dunkin' to your door every morning. Oh, that is sweet. That is sweet. Yes, yes.

think she's drinking that. I don't think Jennifer, Jen Lopez, as I call her, I don't think Jen drinks or eats Dunkin' Donuts. You don't think she's having a 1600 calorie iced coffee in the morning? No, I think if you have that body at 50, she's on like a medical, there's like pipettes making her breakfast in the morning. And like, good for her. She looks amazing. We saw her in Hustlers, pole dance, like God be with her and everything she's doing. I just, that's just for him. She's phenomenal. Yeah. She's a phenom.

Do you think our relationship is more... So we're better off than Ben and Jen? Yeah. Fantastic. What about, are we better off than Ben and Dunkin' Donuts? Are we more passionate? No. That's the most passionate relationship on earth. And it's also longer. We've been together, like, coming up on four years. Yeah. That is a long-term relationship. I feel like he had that before he had his mother's milk. Yeah. Are we more or less passionate than Shrek and Fiona from the Shrek franchise? Um, probably...

but I don't want to get involved in whatever they're doing. Oscar winning motion picture. Anyone should rewatch it as an adult and just like, it was fine. It was good for the time. It just doesn't hold up is all I'm saying.

Classically spawned four sequels. Yeah, go watch those sequels. They're wonderful. And now the Puss in Boots movies as well? I've actually heard that. I haven't seen it, but I've heard that the last Puss in Boots movie was really good. Oh, okay, yeah. People say it was nominated for an Oscar. It was nominated. It didn't win an Oscar. You know what did? Shrek. Yeah, but that was one before people actually took animation Oscars seriously. No, it wasn't before. It was the first time they did.

Yeah, so it's like they didn't know what to do. They just like threw whatever. They're like, oh, a movie came out this year. It's nominated. All right. I'm sorry. It's not Ponyo or whatever. Ponyo is really good. I know Ponyo is good, but so is Shrek. Sorry. I'm sorry you guys have to watch us fight like this. Is our relationship more or less passionate than Shrek and Fiona? I think less because you've never rescued me in a position of peril. You've never been in peril.

That's true. And maybe then we could test that. But until then... I picked you up from LAX, so actually I think you're wrong about that. You're right. I understand. That's true. It's just as bad as the dragon. Honestly, yeah. If that dragon was in Burbank, I'd take the dragon. Is our relationship more or less passionate than Missouri and married women? Oh, this one just makes me sad. You said that you wanted to talk about this.

Not in this context. This is a very jokey context. Well, you can get serious for a second. I will get serious and say, everyone, please go vote to protect women and their basic human dignity. Because...

The reason we have this in here is because in Missouri, it is currently illegal for a pregnant woman to obtain a divorce before they give birth, which is insane. It's insane. Yeah. They just won't grant a divorce until they give birth. And it's like, oh, because if you're pregnant, you're not actually a person anymore. You're now this vessel that we're funneling into your...

Christian heteronormative marriage. I just hate it. It really makes me sad. It makes me genuine. Like, I don't have like a jokey thing, but it makes me like genuinely nervous for the state of our country. The way that our cultural views on women are still, are still here. Like this is still in law and it's like people pretend because these little liberal enclaves are happening, but no, like throughout the country, this is still how people view women. And it's, it's really sad and really scary. Very sad and very scary. And now for a massive change of pace. Yes.

Is our relationship more or less passionate than me and the video game I'm currently playing, Baldur's Gate 3? You've been playing a lot of Baldur's Gate 3. I just got it. How late did you go to bed last night? I go to bed really early. I went to bed at 1230. Well, that's late for me. Yeah, yeah, that's late for you. That seems, I guess, reasonable. This is what I'm curious about. As soon as you got it, I was like, this is the video game you can have sex in. And you're like, no, it's not. And then you were making your character, and you could choose the penis of your character.

And I was like, I think this is the sex game. I turned out to be wrong. It is the game you can have sex in. Has your character had sex yet? My character has not had sex yet. Are you being honest? I'm being 100% honest. Well, then us. My character was turned down last night. I'm so sorry. I defeated this big fort full of goblins, and I was like, all right, now's the time, right? And then, nope. Friend zoned. Friend zoned by a half-elf. The Ian Carmel story. The answer is us. Yeah, it definitely is. But not for long, maybe.

elves or goblins or whatever. We'll see what happens. You can't. There's like three penis options, three vulva options. Yeah. Amazing. Technology's great, isn't it? We've hit the mark where we need to wrap it up. Okay, I have a few more of these. Let me get us a good one to go out on. Are we more or less passionate than RFK Jr. and Confederate statues?

The presidential hopeful said on right wing nut job Tim Pool's podcast this week, I have a visceral reaction against the attacks on those statues. They were heroes in the Confederacy who didn't have slaves. And you know, I just have a visceral reaction against destroying history. I don't like it. Oh, they didn't have slaves? Some of them. Ha ha ha ha!

Couple of them. Maybe. I think we're more passionate, but less passionate than RFK and the worm that I still believe is in his brain. Yeah, I think we are. Yeah, more passionate than him and statues, less than him and the brain worm. And finally, are we more or less passionate than Ian and Dana?

Trick question. Is that a trick question? We are me and Dana. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. That's us at prom. Yeah. Things to consider. I love you and thank you for playing this game with me. Thank you, baby. This is great. Thank you, Dana. Check out Anatomy, Immortality, and all her other books. Up next, Hallie Kiefer goes off the deep end in a soaking wet t-shirt and not in a sexy way. And now, oh no, another word from Furiosa, a Mad Max saga.

Hola, fellow homosexuals. I'm so sorry. Just checking in that you're definitely planning to see Furiosa on Mad Max Saga during the first weekend of Pride. Remember how much you twinks loved Challengers?

This movie is basically Challengers. If you read between the lines, you'll find there's a very sexy love triangle between Furiosa and two other characters. No spoilers! It's whichever two characters you're thinking of when you see it. Which again, you should really do during this beautiful Pride weekend.

Look, think of it this way. Challengers have Zendaya. Mad Max has Anya Taylor-Joy. Two gay icons, right? A gay icon is any beautiful actress, right? Listen, these movies are interchangeable and that's on period. You fucking sluts. Furiosa, a Mad Max saga.

Please, if Garfield sells more tickets again, they're going to put Anya Taylor-Joy down like a dog. Oh my God, that was an ad? That's horrible. Oh God, help me. Here to discuss my new book, T-Shirt Swim Club, it's Love It or Leave It head writer, Hallie Kiefer. Make some noise, everybody. Thank you for having me.

And thank you for writing this book. Of course, my pleasure. Do you want to explain what it is first before we get into it? I realize I should let you in your own voice. It's a bunch of pages with words written on them sort of bound together into a... Delicious, yes. It's... So I was a fat kid.

I was a fat teenager, fat adult. I, at my fattest, I got up to around 420 pounds. Um, and right around the pandemic, I, I lost a bunch of weight. I got to kind of healthier weight. Um, and standing on the other side of that, I was looking back at that experience and I used to, my talk to my little sister all the time, who's also a fat kid, a fat adult. We're both still fat. Um,

And we were talking about that experience. And my little sister has a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a stand-up comedian. And we were talking about it. We were like, you know what? Put those minds together. Put those minds together. And I was like, I think we could write our story and make it very interesting. And also potentially through just being very specific and very personal. And then having her apply her expertise to it, possibly...

help some other people who feel the same way we do. And it's not a weight loss book or anything like that. It's more a book about being fat, honestly. Yeah, the reason I wanted to talk about the book is I, too, was a T-shirt-in-the-pool kid. Yeah. And I did want to ask, keep up with that. How did we all think of that? Because it doesn't work. Everyone can still see you're fat. You know what I mean? Do you think the first kid who wore the T-shirt-in-the-pool, do you think that they knew they were starting a trend? I...

I don't think so. I think it was just an Annie Port in the Storm kind of thing. Oh, just raw desperation. It's the most- We're like, I gotta be wearing something in the pool. I can't be out here like this. It's insane. It's an insane thing we do to ourselves. If anything, it accentuates the curves. Oh, you can see every inch. It draws the eye. What are we doing? It also becomes a thing where it's like, well, now a lot of people wear t-shirts in the pool because of skin cancer. Well, yeah. Thank you, skin cancer. Shout out skin cancer. Yeah.

Are they here tonight? They're here tonight. They're here tonight. Sorry, my agents are... I'm with CAA and Skin Cancer. Right, yeah. Well, you don't listen. Again, any port of store. But now more kids wear a t-shirt in the pool, but it's still almost the signifier. It's like saying, I am fat, I wear a t-shirt in the pool. And I think there is a little bit of a beauty in finding other people who wore t-shirts in the pool so we can relate to one another, but...

As far as logic goes, it is one of the sillier things. Yeah, we were up to a bunch of stuff. I will say, I was like, oh, I'm really excited. Like, I've also been on a quote, quote, this is what I was like, what do you have to say? Weight loss journey. But what's interesting about it is it is a journey of the self because when you start to lose weight, a lot of stuff happens for me. I, a lot of my weight stuff that I am currently on a journey about is related to ADHD, which I also didn't know I have. So reading this book really brought to mind a lot

sort of the same stigma around weight that I felt... I look back now on having ADHD where it's like, okay, something's wrong, but I don't know what it is. And whenever I interact with other people, I immediately am stigmatized. Yeah. Which also, I think, is how I think of, like, queerness as well. Not to, again, immediately tell you my life, but I didn't... I...

Please Google comp het, compulsory heterosexuality. I didn't know I was queer until I was 38. I came out really late. And then looking back, and we're both millennials, looking back at that time period, it was like, oh, I knew that I didn't want to be a lesbian before I even knew what that word meant. And how similar that is to being fat as a kid, especially in the 90s. You find out at the same time. Yes. It's like those snack packs where the crackers and the cheese come with it. It's like, you're fat, and also, it's bad. Yes, exactly.

They're packaged together. I remember the first time I really understood the concept of what being fat meant was when someone made fun of me for being fat on the playground at recess. And through the context, I was like, oh, so that's bad. And I'm that? Okay. But we didn't really understand that...

Bullying was like a thing that... I mean, it was like psychological torture. Yes, yeah. It's... And also the result in my... Like, kids are terrified, right? Yeah. They're terrified animals and if they can... They seek hierarchy and if they can find anything about you that they can latch on to and attack...

And when you're fat, you're wearing it right out there. You know what I mean? They can't hide. They don't find that out. It's just right there. So you immediately start getting sort of piled on as a kid and it can really affect you. And I feel like, I think it's a good point, like the idea of building a hierarchy because then it does continue into adulthood where you do meet people who genuinely think that being fat is like morally wrong. Yeah. A lot of people

the internet, but even sometimes in real life, people say something like, well, you know that that's not real, right? But there is something that exists in all of us where that is fat phobia and like that controls all of our actions. I think for me, you know, intersex was like being a woman for sure. But, um, you know how much of that we learned young. And then I think with the introduction of the internet, we sort of had more body diversity and

you know, body positivity, but then how that immediately is co-opted by capitalism. So it's like, well, you can be fat, but you gotta be hot. And maybe you gotta be selling something. It's like, well, that's not going to help kids. It's going to make them crazy in a different way that now like younger people have to deal with. I also, I was talking to my sister and we, uh, about this very thing. And we, we like noted that the, like they will put fat people in commercials and they will even put fat people in commercials for like Gatorade or for Lululemon.

weirdly, that kind of thing. But they'll only let us do sports where you don't jiggle. Right, they can't see our big old bodies moving. You have to, they're like, every time you see a fat person in a commercial, you'll notice this, they're doing like very slow yoga. It's like very intentional, or they're doing Tai Chi. They would never show us on top of an exercise bike, no matter how often we get up on top of an exercise bike. That's a really good point. It's sort of similar to, do you remember at the Oscars, John Cena came out like basically nude, and he was totally hairless. And I think

there's like fatness is connected like some animal part of ourself in the way that like body hair is yeah so it's like we can depict you but you better not be moving like you better you better not make me think about your fat ass body and what's crazy about this conversation is we're not even as fat as either of us have ever been right like people see this like we're not that fat and I still think of myself and that's also a question I want to ask about the book is like you were fat as a kid and then now you're less fat but then I was fat as a kid then

then less fat and then fat again as an adult and then less fat now, you know, due to like medical intervention. And I, it is, I still think of myself as fat to the point I was speaking to someone and I referenced a fat person. They go, and I'm like, Oh no, I was, I mean, I was like, Oh no, I'm not just insulting this person. But once you use the word, I still think of it as like, well, yeah, fat. Yeah. I mean, I think, I think especially if you were fat younger, but,

But honestly, really, any time, if you sort of cross that threshold and start to realize what it is like to live life like that in a world that is designed primarily for people of regular size, even all this language, right? Yeah. Like regular, skinnier people, right? People who aren't fat.

That never leaves you. And there are so many experiences that are shaped by it or affected by it. Whether you're just walking down the aisle of an airplane and you see all these eyes looking back at you, begging you not to sit next to them, just hoping. And then you sit down and it's like a heavy sigh. And you're like, lean in. I'm soft. Get in here. I'm not shy. I'm like, please.

But, you know, there's that experience. But the way people are kind of rude to you or assume you're dumb or lazy or any of these things, like...

or that it's a moral failing or it's a lack of effort on your part or a lack of knowledge. Like you're some idiot who goes to Arby's for like five meals a day, right? And you're like, it's like, no, nobody knows how to lose weight more than a fat person. Right, yeah. Because it's sort of like given to you as like your lifelong mission. Yeah. And if you're not doing it, which for a while I actually wasn't, like I kind of was like actively like, I just can't do this. But then,

yeah, like, it's like by interacting with you, it brings up everyone else's, like, all the stuff they learned about being fat. And I did want to bring about, you do talk about fat bastard a lot. And I was like, boy, that really wasn't good. At the time, in a time where you had no fat people on movies and TV at all, it was like, what if a fat person was the most disgusting person in the world? In the 90s, in the 90s, as I, like, I had John Goodman and Santa Claus and I'm Jewish, so I had John Goodman, right? Like, it's,

And I guess the Notorious B.I.G. and those were like the good fat people in the 1990s. The fucking thing about Fat Bastard is he was also funny. That's true. He was funny as hell. It was funny because it's Michael Myers at his creative peak channeling all this energy into this character and he's funny. And what's devastating about Michael Myers or the Fat Bastard character is

like even in the movie, like he would say like, I'm sad because I eat and I eat because I'm sad, right? Which touches on something that like as a kid in a movie that you've never seen that expressed before. Yeah, you're like, oh, I wish it wasn't fat bastard saying that. Well, yeah, exactly. And then he says it three seconds later, he farts for 15 seconds. Yeah, absolutely. And you're like, fuck, that's funny. That's funny as hell. What was that thing I was feeling right before he farted?

Well, I think, interestingly, Dave Schilling, a really talented writer, he made a point, having watched all the Austin Powers movies with him, he was like, oh, you could tell from Fat Bastard that this is real life Mike Myers' body, his own weight stuff. Yeah. It feels very genuine because of that. And a lot of the comedy that he did was about being fat or maybe being fat as a kid. Yeah. And do you think being fat is why you, and I'll also go we, work in the entertainment industry? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, right? I mean, yeah. I think there are, I think fat is one of the holes and there's other ones that get created in people that we will spend the rest of our lives trying to throw affirmation into. You know? Not to like break down, I mean, comedy's comedy. It's funny. A lot of people get funny for a lot of different reasons. And they're all bad. I feel like every comedian

You usually don't develop self-defense mechanisms unless something's attacking. Oh, exactly. But we, yeah, I think, I kind of think it is. I think you keep seeking out like affirmation and then you get so good at seeking out affirmation that you're able to turn it into a career in some way. And then your brain gets wired like in such a way.

And then you end up participating in like in a, in a system that the one that devalued you in the first place. Speaking of, I wanted to talk to you about a quote because Nicola Colin, Coughlin, I give her, I don't know. I've never said her name out loud until now. I realized from Bridgerton, she's fat. And there's like all this conversation about like, Oh, she's not attracted or whatever. And she talks about,

I guess there's a sex scene that she shot and she's like, I really wanted to be fat and naked and it meant a lot to me. She said, it's like, it felt like the biggest fuck you to all the conversations surrounding my body. It was amazing empowerment. I feel beautiful in the moment. I thought, when I'm 80, I want to look back at this and remember how fucking hot I looked. How much of your personal negative feelings about being fat stem from feeling unfuckable? Because I think

for me was like 95%. Like it was just, it was, well once you like reach puberty, like as a kid you don't know anything, but like after that it was like, oh no, no one will ever have sex with me. Ergo, no one will love me. Yeah. If you're fat. It's. And that was it. You're just like, okay, I guess we all agreed on that. It's a massive part of it. Like the pursuit of sex and just any kind of like romantic relationship in like

Completely unavailable to me for like... You know, from just like getting a smooch in grade school and then middle school, I guess hand stuff. I don't know. I don't know what other people would do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know. Give it up. Yeah. And then like...

And then like sex in high school, like the pursuit of all that stuff. Of course, obviously your hormones are saying, go get that anyway. So you're already dealing with, with those feelings. And then you're kind of, you're, you're seeking the relationships and you're seeking the sex, but you're also seeking the feeling of I'm not different, you know, like I'm okay. Yeah.

And I, for me personally, like a lot of my bad feelings absolutely came from that. And I think a lot of like the most fucked up things I ever did in relationships came from me turning, uh, the fucked up things that I did in relationships and also that I allowed to happen to me came from this idea of being desired sexually means that you're okay. You know, rather than starting from a place where it's like, I am affirming myself through your relationship with me. So then when you, and then,

especially if you start to get like a little bit successful, like in any field, and then you become more confident and people are just naturally more drawn to you because you're confident you feel good about yourself, but you've been so fucked up for so long that when somebody starts liking you, you're like, you only like me because I'm successful. Yeah. And I think both of us obviously were very privileged that we could even like have access to therapy or like a medical intervention. None of us individually can,

can be the person who solves this. It's just 100%, right? And this is a strange thing where you do feel like compelled to, you know, like if, like I, you almost feel like you're abandoning fat people if you lose weight or you're like, I am then a part, you know, you're like, I'm siding with the people who say it's unhealthy and you lazy fat asses need to like lose some weight. They're like, is this weird feeling of guilt about it?

But I just think – I was talking to somebody the other day and we were talking about fatness and they said – I was talking about how I lost a bunch of weight because I needed to lose a bunch of weight for my health. And they put it to me like this. They said, you started being healthier and you lost weight as a result, right? Yeah.

And that's fine. I think that's a better way to look at it. You start behaving healthier. You start eating a little healthier. Because there are very unhealthy people who weigh 130 pounds. Exactly. You can't punish yourself into health. And whatever your weight is or however you look at this, that's what we're constantly asked to do. We're constantly asked to punish ourselves and exercise.

And it starts with your childhood. It's like, oh, I'm going to punish a child and that's somehow we will grow up to be like a healthy adult. That never works. It's not working for anybody. And I think the one nice thing about the internet is at least to have like different depictions of the body in and of itself is valuable. I don't know. I just really, but get through the book. Thank you. Get the library. It's all in there. Thank you for talking to me about this. I really appreciate it. Get the library. Thank you for talking to me about it. Of course. Halle Kiefer, everybody. Thank you so much.

Listen to her horror movie podcast, Ruined, wherever you get your podcasts. Next on the list, Preacher Lawson offends dog owners everywhere. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. Vitamin Water was born in New York because New Yorkers wanted more flavor to pair with all the amazing food in the city. Vitamin Water is so New York, its three favorite cheeses are chopped cheese, bacon, egg, and cheese, and a slice of cheese pizza. Drink Vitamin Water. It's from New York.

Feeling overwhelmed by the relentless news cycle? Want to discuss important issues with fellow political junkies? Look no further than Crooked's friend of the pod, Discord. It's like group therapy for people who binge on breaking news instead of Netflix.

Look, we get it. As this summer's political and legal rollercoaster continues, we'll need to take advantage of every self-care hack we can think of. That's why Friends of the Pod will be hosting live chats for subscribers during the upcoming DNC and RNC, where subscribers can share opinions, laugh, cry, react with emojis in real time, and support each other through the chaos. Much better than breathing into a paper bag in front of your screens.

in our opinion. So join now. You won't regret it, unless you hate fun. Subscribe to the Friends of the Pod community only at cricket.com slash friends. We will see you there. And now, a final word from Furiosa, a Mad Max saga. All right, listen up, you little shits. You win, okay? You fucking win. We've released a new cut of the movie where every sound cue has been replaced with Sabrina Carpenter's espresso, okay? Okay.

We're talking two hours and 28 minutes of wall-to-wall, that's-that-me espresso. Whatever the fuck that means. Please see this movie. We use CGI to make it look like Crimms Hemsworth is wearing slutty little shorts. Is that enough of a sleigh for you monsters? Is that what it's gonna take? You want one of the trucks to be trans? We can make the trucks trans! Please! We're on our knees!

you to see Furiosa, a Mad Max saga on Pride Weekend. Sure, we mean that in a sexy way, if that does anything for you. Furiosa's prosthetic arm is rainbow colors now. Please, the fate of Hollywood rests in your gender fluid hands. Furiosa, a Mad Max saga. What if every ticket came with free poppers, huh? Let's try that. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh my God. Please welcome to the stage the nicest working man in show business, Preacher Lawson.

you doing, man? I'm doing great. Just found out I'm not the father that got us good. Fantastic. Congratulations. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I am. But I'm not sticking around. There we go. I got stuff to do. I got similar plans. Do you and me get a room at the Morongo Casino? Let's do it. Better to haul.

I don't gamble. Anyway, sorry. You don't gamble? No, I don't gamble. If you're just now finding out you're not the father, I think you do gamble. I think just maybe in a different way. You're right. You're right. Just not with money. That's right. Just with lives. You blinked. I seen you. I looked at you. You blinked. I won.

Preacher, we have known each other from doing stand-up years ago. I know. In a few sentences, we met when you were 19. I think we should give the full story in Portland, Oregon. Yeah, 19. Forever ago. You were 19, I was 20. Five. Preacher! In a few sentences, what have you been up to since you were 19 years old? Oh, man.

A few sentences? I don't know. I mean, I had a couple girlfriends. That was pretty cool. Very nice. I went on a couple TV shows. Fantastic. List your credits right now in order of how proud of them you are. Okay. How proud of them? Like the least proud and then goes to the... Least proud to most proud. Actually, I started most proud and then worked my way to least proud. Okay, well, obviously, obviously, America's got talent. Okay, perfect. We were hoping you would say love it or leave it. Oh, okay.

Really? You're banking on that? Yeah, you know what? I apologize. I was actually going to put y'all like nine. Okay. But that's good. Out of three. Oh, no. Yeah. Nine out of three. No. America's Got Talent, of course. America's Got Talent, I think, is where I get recognized for the most...

I host this show called World's Most Amazing Dog. That's pretty cool. That's a good one. And honestly, I don't remember my other ones. Yeah, true. Yeah, they all blend in. Yeah, they kind of, yeah, forget, you know? But yeah, I like my specials. Your special, and speaking of your specials, you dropped a new special in March named My Name is Preacher, in which your mother introduces you. That's right. That was really cool. My brother introduced my first one on Amazon Prime. Who got Netflix? Make some noise! Woo! Hey, well, my second one's on YouTube, so you should...

You should watch that. It's free for everybody. So I thought it'd be cool that my brother did. He's like my best friend. He introduced me on First. My mom does my stuff. And my mom, she goes on the road with me. So she does comedy. She open? She opens. Yeah, she does. You're kidding me. I'm dead serious. Your mother goes up and opens for you? My mom does stand-up for me. It's great. And she sells merchandise. It's fantastic. Have there been... Yeah, I know, bro. You got to get you one. Got to get the mom, man. They're great.

You gotta get one that likes you, though. Is that a Nepomami? What is that? First off, I know what a Nepomami is, but if I didn't, what would you say? How would you explain it? What a Nepomami is? You know, like a nepotism baby. It's like a Nepo baby. It's like when Randy Quaid's kid shows up in a TV show. Is that one of them? Yeah, I know Randy Quaid's. He's my favorite one. Um...

So yeah, I mean, yeah, she's great. So she usually goes up. Then I have my brother to meet. It's a whole family show. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah, it's great. It's cheaper. You can say, yeah, very much. Yeah, she doesn't even know they make money. While discussing your comedy ahead of the show, I realized you don't really cuss on stage at all. Was that a conscious decision? Why did I cuss growing up? I didn't start cussing until 2020.

What happened then? I mean, what do you mean, what happened? I was stuck in the house. Yeah. I also became an alcoholic. A lot of things changed when I was 22. I don't drink anymore because it's the best. You know what I'm saying? Oh, it's great. So I had to stop, you know? I had to stop drinking because I was drinking one day and I was like, I think I like drinking more than my children. And that's a problem because I don't have kids. Yeah. So why do I...

I just said weird things. I just say weird things when I'm drunk. I just, you know, in a way, but... You imagined and then abandoned an entire family because you liked alcohol so much. Yeah, that's what I did. You know, but I just, I started cussing in 2020 because I was just in my house and then I, you know, had a little wine in me and then I was like, I'm going to try it out. What did you pop your cherry with? Damn. Yeah, there you go. Mother...

Damn. You know, I just tested it out. My brother thinks I'm not good at it, but I'm pretty good now. I've had years. I've been testing for four years. I felt that. Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're on your best day ever stand-up tour. I am. You can learn so much about a place from doing comedy there. What are you learning about the U.S. in 2024 from touring? I don't know. I think that we're a lot more similar than, you know,

It's kind of like, okay, so imagine you're a family, right? Everybody has a family member. Most people have them. Some people have left you, but sorry about that. That's all right. But people have families, and so there's some family members that you're like, man, I love this person because they're great to me. And then you have some family, you're like, I got them.

like you, you know, even though you're my family, like I love you, but you kind of trash, but they're your family. Yeah. You know, so I just think that that's America is that we're all family and then some of our family members are trash, you know? Yeah, yeah. I just, that's it. I do think that's true. Yeah, but I still love you. I always,

I kind of think that's what, like, I wish people didn't cut, like, I know it's very popular right now to, like, cut someone out of your life if you disagree with them. Like, people will cut their, like, parents out of their lives if they vote for Trump or whatever. I think you gotta, I think you gotta keep those people close if you can bear it. Yeah. Because I think it helps to have, like, a friendly face. Yeah. To associate with the dumbest thing you've ever heard in your entire life.

I really think it does. No, I agree with that. I'm not for cutting anyone out unless they make your life worse. Yes, exactly. That's the only way. If they're like bringing you down, but if it's like, okay, I just know how to navigate around that person. So like if your mom bombs a couple sets, that's somebody you'd cut out of your life. Yeah, she's got to go. Yeah, absolutely. I got to hire a new mom. Well, Preacher, I love that you've made clean comedy your brand, which is why we are forcing you to play a game that we're calling Roast This Puppy.

I'm going to show you someone or something absolutely adorable, and we're going to need you to completely destroy them. Okay. All right. Also, I'm going to provide some points of attack if you need them. Are you ready to go? Let's go. All right. First, we have a literal puppy, Bo, the Miracle Basset Hound Puppy. You want me to make fun of the puppy? Yeah, that's right. I'll give you some information first. According to the New York Post, Bo's owner dropped him off to be euthanized.

Due to a neurological illness, a year later, she saw Bo back on a pet adoption website. Turns out he had a treatable illness and is now doing just fine. To his former owner's confusion and relief, Preacher, roast the shit out of this bitch. You should have died anyway.

Right? Oh, no? Okay. All right. You're so stupid looking. Look at you, dumb dog. Get his ass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'd bite you, man. I would, man. Yeah, you're not even big enough to ride like I do horses or something. That's right. Yeah. He's clearly a liar. He made up that he had this, like, devastating disease. Why would you lie to your owner, you dummy? Get his ass. You know what I mean? Bro, I wish you look, you know what you look like? Your mama's so ugly. Right? Babe.

That if she went into a store, they'd give her a discount, I think. Yeah, I'm not good at this. I'm not. I don't know, man. I think your heart's too pure. I don't think that. All right. Everybody's a little evil. Come on, man. Yeah, absolutely. There's a tiny bit. Including this dog. Yeah, you're really evil. Yeah. Yeah. All right. All right, we're going to move off the dog. Yeah, we're going to go ahead. We're going to move off the dog. All right. Why don't you go ahead and roast? I want to be euthanized right now.

I want to be euthanized. All right, go ahead. Good news. We have 19 more of these. Oh, awesome. The Four Seasons Orlando Baby. I have a question for everybody. Oh, yeah. Who wants to go to the Four Seasons Orlando? Me. All right. Just a little info. The Four Seasons Orlando Baby, also known as the Fully Sentient Baby, set TikTok on fire by answering a direct question in a non-baby-like way. Subsequently, People Magazine published photos of her trip to the Four Seasons Orlando.

She's so cute. For those at home, they are just photos of a baby at a hotel. Preacher? Preacher, roast this little genius. She's adorable. Um...

But when she grows up, I feel bad whoever's going to date her. She just seems like she's going to need a lot because she's a baby. Why are you excited about the four seasons? You should want carrot juice or something. Right. Right? That's kind of, yeah. And I don't know. I don't want to make, why are you doing this to me? All right. Preacher, go ahead and roast this grandma who set a new swimming record.

Where's she at? She's one of them. This month, Anna Applehands Gubzer, little Anna Gubzer, a grandma from Pacifica, California, became the first person to swim from the Golden Gate Bridge to the Farallon Islands, a distance of 29.6 miles in treacherous water. Her friends and family celebrate her achievement. We, however, do not get her ass, preacher. Okay, since I don't know who it is. It's one of them.

And they all look like they went to the prom with Jesus. Let's just say that, I don't know, I think she was trying to prove to Moses, she was like, hey, I can also part some water. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And now I'm going to swim through it.

Her last name's Gubser. Anything, any meat on the bone there? Gubser? Gubser? Yeah. You want me to tell you now? Yeah. Yeah, I'll tell you. I'll say the joke. So about, it's Gubser, right? Gubser's her name. Yeah. What kind of name is that? Get her. What is that right there, man? Put her on the rack. Yeah, I'm going to put her, I'm going to put you on the rack, Gubser. You know? Yeah.

Yeah, Gupster sounds like something you take when you have some acid in your stomach. Let me get some Gupster. Let me get out of here because this is not working. Diminishing returns. Let me give you, I'll set you up another one. We only got 16 to go. Okay, 16, that's fine. The Mars Perseverance Rover.

All right. Yeah. At a meeting this month, NASA scientists excitedly revealed that the Mars Perseverance rover has collected hydrated silica, which they say is the material most likely to hold traces of ancient life on Mars. Preacher, rip this cheap little WALL-E knockoff a new outlet, please. I should let y'all know now I got a GED. Okay. Yeah. You said some words in there, and it made me realize why I chose comedy. This isn't roast yourself, Preacher. Okay, you're right. You're dumb. Yeah. Yeah.

Because at least I got my honors GED. You probably didn't even graduate from GED school. Your rocks look dumb. Yeah. If I got a rock from your Mars, wouldn't even use it to propose to my wife. Yeah. You know? Musician Richard M. Sherman, who along with his brother, co-wrote songs for Mary Poppins, The Jungle Book, The Sword in the Stone, and Disney's iconic It's the Small... He's dead. Okay. Gotta be.

I'm not saying he should be. Yeah, no, he died. Well, he should be. He died in 95. Oh, okay, cool. Because I'm looking at the picture and it looks like an Etch and Sketch. Put him in the grave one more time. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so he wrote the Disney... He wrote Mary Poppins, The Jungle Book, The Sword in the Stone, and It's a Small World After All. Okay, well, first off, never watched any of those because I'm black. Got him. Yeah, that's not true. I did watch Mary Poppins and a lot. I watched them all. Delightful. Um...

I was just trying, I apologize for making fun of you. No, I don't apologize. Yeah. Let me say, you, your hair looks so stupid. You know what I mean? It's like, this is how he made his hair. And then he was like, let me put it over to the side. And it looked like he was on a windy day. He walked outside and the wind was like blowing. That's his hair blowing. And then...

You know, I don't care that you're not laughing with me. I'm loving it. No. I'm laughing with you. You're laughing at me drowning, which is probably how he died in his bathtub. That's true. Let's go. Let's go. Come on. Let's go. Come on. Yes. That's right. We almost missed the high five. I could not have given you. It don't matter. Oh, man. I leg day. All right.

Extremely Caucasian high five on my part. I apologize for that. What's a black high five? I'm going to let... What's a black high five? High five on the black side. Is that it? That's it. Is that a thing? Because it's black. That's not a thing. This is white right here.

This is like, hey, what up? How you doing? You know what? You know what? Finally, I'm going to actually improvise this. I'm going to have you roast me in this game for making you play. Oh, no, man. Come on, preacher. You want me to roast you? Roast me. Roast me in this game. I'm not going to say you look like Baloo from the movie Jungle Book. I'm not going to say that.

I'm not going to say it. No, no. I think you look great. Honestly. Oh, thank you very much. You look phenomenal, and I would absolutely go on the train that you drive because you look like a train conductor. No, you're awesome, man. You're awesome. Preacher, I love you so much. I love you too, man. Thank you so much for this. Thank you, Preacher. Stream My Name is Preacher on YouTube and grab tickets for the Best Day Ever Tour. When we're back, Mamiya, the Holy Spirit compels us.

Please welcome back to the stage my other guests, Dana and Hallie. Thank you.

Welcome back. Inspired by Pope Francis' apologizing for that homophobic slur this week, we're going to close out the show with a game we're calling Scoozy. Each of us will take turns apologizing for something while doing so. We must wear this Pope's hat and we must, must, must apologize in our best Italian accent. You have to apologize for saying the slur earlier in the monologue. You took my one! Oh no, those are ours. I'll come up with another one. I have a lot of things to apologize for.

Are you all ready to play? Yeah. I'm going to sound racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay about Italians for another decade, we decided. Oh, thank God. Okay. All right, Hallie goes first. We have spun the love it or leave it wheel. Hallie goes first. Hallie, what do you have to apologize for? Mamma mia. Oh,

Oh, what the inside of my refrigerator looks like. I wasn't expecting you to stop by. Thank God I had toilet paper. You said, oh, can I get a seltzer? I said, sure. And I heard you open the refrigerator door. And I realized, oh, God.

You're seeing the inside of my refrigerator. There's no severed head inside it because that would mean there was something in there other than slime and just sort of things that have dripped into the produce drawer that I see and I've accepted. But you, my friend, you're here seeing it. I'm so sorry! Yeah.

I apologize. Also, there's no sensor in there. I don't know what I was thinking. There are 14 half-consumed Diet Coke cans. I guess you could have one if you want. Excuse me. Bravo, bravo, bravissimo, bravissimo. Let's go ahead and spin the love it or leave it wheel one more time, see who's apologizing next. Man, this ain't random. Oh, it's pretty good. It's pretty good. It's for sure random. Oh, my gosh. I want to apologize to my friend earlier. I was in the bathroom, and I...

I destroyed it. I destroyed it. She's laughing because it was her. I'm sorry you had to go in after me, and I'm glad you made it out because I gave birth to what I ate earlier. You know? All right, Jimmy. All right. You became Jamaican. I know, I know. I don't know. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, yeah. Enchante. I would love a Jamaican Pope. If we could get a Jamaican Pope, that would be fantastic. We need a Jamaican Pope. We really do. Thank you, Preacher. Let's spin the love of the lever wheel one more time.

I'm so intent, like I don't know. There's only two options. Oh my God. Dana Schwartz, your best Miss Koozie. Miss Koozie, I am so sorry for leaving every party before 9 p.m. because I get very sleepy. I will socialize for an hour, 90 minutes tops, and then I will want to leave and go home. And I am sleepy, and I am sorry. Miss Koozie. Fantastic. Let's spin that wheel one more time. No, it has to be me, right? Oh, we are spinning it.

They have the technology. It's pundit. There we go. You look good in the hat. Oh, thank you very much. Miss Koozie, I'm so sorry. It's Ian Carmel hosting the Donald Trump get 34 convictions. Love it or leave it.

Nobody has heard of who I am before unless you're one of the dozen or so people who watch the Lele show with James Corden. I'm so, so sorry. I have no information about the electoral system or the judicial system or really any current events happening whatsoever at all. The only news I've read in the last, how do you say, six months is that there is a new college football video game coming out sometime in July.

I, uh, how you say, how you say, live my life according to the television show Entourage. The TV show Entourage with a turtle, Vini, the other guys. And I'm so sorry. Hopefully next time Trump gets convicted, and it's important to remember, it will happen again, John Lovett won't be on some island somewhere recovering from his tapeworm. I...

All right, now let's get this music. Yeah. And now, because we all need it, here it is, the high note. I love it. Love you so much and very excited to share my high note.

I just accepted a job yesterday at an incredible conservation organization, and I am just over the moon. And I wanted to call and share the high note because obviously I'm excited, but also for anyone who's trying to make these mid-career shifts or pursue something that is out of your experience, go for it. Just do it. This took me so long. I've been trying to make this pivot for four years now. I work in communications, and I don't have a conservation background, but just...

a big passion for the outdoors and for preserving our planet. So both a high note and also a little bit of encouragement if you're trying to make a shift and it's just taking so long. Mine took a long time, but it is sure worth it. So just wanted to share. Love everything you all do. Thanks to you and the team for keeping us laughing. Lots, lots to do in 2024, but we're going to get there. Thanks, guys.

Hi, Love It. This is Becca from Albany, California. And my high note is that in one week, I will be graduating high school. I want to come on to thank you and my parents for making me an informed member of society and also for raising me and feeding me and being nice to me even when I was a shitty teenager. Well, you didn't raise me or feed me, but they did. So I'm thanking them. Love you guys.

Thanks to everyone who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to send us a message about something that gave you hope, send a voice memo to lolihighnotes at gmail.com. That's lolihighnotes at gmail.com. Or if you're a Friends of the Pod subscriber, you have the exclusive ability to leave us your high notes without the hassle of a call or email. Simply head on over to the Friends of the Pod Discord server and post a comment or voice memo in the hashtag love notes.

LeaveItOrLeaveIt channel or hashtag HighNotes channel for a chance to hear it featured on the show. That's our show. Thank you so much to Dana Schwartz, Preacher Lawson, and Hallie Kiefer. There are 156 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night and have a great weekend.

Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Chris Lord is our producer. And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mohana Del Shiki are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. And we're your listeners.

And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing video each week so you can. ♪♪♪

It's Love It or Leave It.

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