Cops in the Halls, Bees in the Walls
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What's up, Los Angeles? Great to see you all. Welcome to Love It or Leave It, recording live in the shambles of May Day, when I accidentally brought bagels to work, not realizing the union was also bringing bagels to work. I guess that one was just for us tonight.

Comedian Jenna Friedman is here to crown head counselor. We had a gasp of excitement from the front row. Actress Rose Abdu puts the I, hell yeah, in IMDB. And two gay mats drink from the fountain of haterade. Why is it a fountain of haterade? Because gatorade never comes from a fountain. So it's like the fountain of something, then gatorade, then haterade. Best not to dwell on it. But first, let's get into it. What a week.

Pro-Palestinian demonstrators at Columbia University took over Hamilton Hall, a building on campus, early on Tuesday. Hamilton Hall was also taken over by students protesting the Vietnam War in 1968. During that protest, students used furniture to barricade the doors and prevent the acting dean from leaving his office, holding him hostage for a night. The acting dean commented that he wasn't planning to stay overnight anyway and hadn't been sleeping there due to issues with his wife Paula, and there was no reason to inquire as to why he already had a pillow and a blanket and a sad little dop kit.

In the wee hours on Wednesday, hundreds of NYPD officers descended onto Columbia's campus at university officials' request and arrested 109 people as they cleared the hall of protesters. Columbia also began suspending students who refused to leave the main encampment. We now go live to Columbia University President Manoush Shafiq for her reaction. Am I so out of touch? No, it's the children who are wrong. LAUGHTER

UCLA canceled classes on Wednesday after a large group of seemingly pro-Israel counter-protesters violently attacked a pro-Palestinian encampment on Tuesday night, throwing at least one firework into the camp. In total, more than 2,000 people have been arrested on approximately 60 American campuses as the protests continue to spread. Now, this is why I became a cop, said a police officer, wrestling a 105-pound bisexual psych major to the ground. LAUGHTER

Protesters at Brown University reached an actual deal with the university announcing that its corporate board will vote on a proposal to divest from Israeli interests in exchange for students taking down their encampment. How are kids from Brown doing deals? Cornell kids? Penn kids? Sure, but Brown? Those kids negotiated through what? Spoken word poetry? President Biden weighed in on the campus protest from the White House on Thursday. We are not an authoritarian nation where we silence people or squash dissent.

The American people are heard. In fact, peaceful protest is in the best tradition of how Americans respond to consequential issues. But, but, neither are we a lawless country. We're a civil society. An order must prevail. Spoken like a man who's never been to the air conditioner section of a Target during the first heat wave of the year.

Biden went on to say, There's the right to protest, but not the right to cause chaos. There is no place for hate speech or violence of any kind, whether it's anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, or discrimination against Arab Americans or Palestinian Americans. It's simply wrong. There's no place for racism in America. Well, Biden just lost the chaos caucus. That's what I call my friends who let their phones get down to 2% battery.

Speaking of people running out of juice, on Thursday, Trump denied ever falling asleep during the trial, despite multiple outlets reporting every time he does. The former president wrote on Truth Social, contrary to the fake news media, I don't fall asleep during the crooked DA's witch hunt, especially not today. I simply close my beautiful blue eyes. Sometimes listen intensely and take it all in. That's just funny. We have to just face it. That's funny.

Also, I guess I just never noticed that Trump's eyes are blue. There are just so many more urgent features of his face and head. You never attend to his eye color. This followed Judge Juan Merchan's decision to fine Trump a total of $9,000 for nine violations of the gag order and warned that the court will not tolerate continued willful violations of its lawful orders. Merchan then issued his warning again much louder before sighing and asking Trump's lawyer to nudge him awake.

More importantly, the judge went on to say that if necessary and appropriate under the circumstances, he was prepared to send Trump to jail if he continues to attack jurors and witnesses. Trump then made the my lips are sealed gesture and the lock and throw away the key gesture before tweeting out an artist's rendering of the judge's wife getting plowed by Alvin Bragg.

But Donald Trump also somehow found time between court appearances to outline what his second term would look like in a lengthy interview with Time magazine. And spoiler alert, it would not be tight. Tight? Why did we say tight? With the exception of the Diet Coke button, that's tight.

Trump said he would build detention camps and deploy the military in order to deport more than 11 million migrants. He also told Time that he would permit states to monitor women's pregnancies and choose whether to prosecute women who violate abortion bans. Way ahead of you, said Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, watching a woman by a pregnancy test from across a Walmart parking lot through a pair of binoculars. You get it, he's being a fucking freak.

Trump refused to say he'd veto. Nice. Thanks. The pity. That's perfect. That's the energy. Trump refused to say he'd veto a national abortion ban because, quote, number one, it'll never happen. And number two, it's about states' rights. Trump has always been clear on this. If women want rights, they must first become states. But if it's about states' rights, then it should be no problem to say you'd veto a national abortion ban.

It's almost as if he's just saying stuff. When pressed, Trump acknowledged the possibility of violence surrounding the 2024 election and seemed fine with it, saying, I think we're going to win. And if we don't win, you know, it depends. It always depends on the fairness of an election. Hard to believe that Trump inciting violence after he loses again is our best case scenario. That's the best we can do. He won't have the National Guard at his disposal this time. Just a bunch of middle-aged Facebook warriors who don't have a great relationship with their kids.

Anyway, speaking of loudmouths with beautiful blue eyes, Georgia Congresswoman and lady in athleisure making a scene at the state fair because she thinks the whack-a-mole is rigged against white people, Marjorie Taylor Greene, said Wednesday that she will force a vote to oust House Speaker Mike Johnson next week. That is, unless one of Johnson's new Jewish friends taught him how to neutralize a golem. Just in the event that a desperate Jewish person made her out of mud.

Green's announcement came a day after Democratic leaders released a statement saying they would vote to table Green's motion to vacate, saying that time has come to turn the page on this chapter of pro-Putin Republican obstruction. So Green's effort is doomed, which I imagine she's used to by now. Marjorie Taylor Green is a human leaf blower. In theory, she has a job to do, but her main contribution is noise.

Anyway, speaking of maniacs with beautiful blue eyes, in a new Wall Street Journal profile, former members of RFK Jr.'s presidential campaign revealed that the operation is full of grifters and opportunists in addition to being financially and professionally dysfunctional. Well, you could knock me over with a feather, is what one of these grifters on the RFK Jr. campaign said while explaining how taking penicillin to treat an infection can actually dissolve all your muscles.

In one bizarre incident, a campaign potluck ran into an unusual problem. Several staff members feared the electromagnetic radiation from microwaves. The campaign advised staffers to bring crockpots for the event, which is insane because everyone knows those things make your dick fall off. Not a crockpot guy. It's like, how busy are you? You got to make dinner and then live a whole day and come back to find it.

It's like, come on. How can you meet a crockpot if your phone says you look at it for seven and a half hours a day? If your phone says you look at it for seven and a half hours a day, you don't need the crockpot to save time.

Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is getting the business after saying this while visiting Colombia to stand in solidarity with student protesters, which included her daughter. Oh, great.

Seems like a perfectly made point. Nothing else to talk about. No other issues. She did it right. She said a good thing. Let's move on. Oh, wait, that wasn't the end of the clip. You should not have to tolerate anti-Semitism or bigotry for all Jewish students, whether they are pro-genocide or anti-genocide. Oh, come on. No, Ilan, you had it. You were right there. It's like I always tell myself and fail to listen. Stop talking sooner.

Then that leads to a whole news cycle about that comment.

And it's like, I could sit here and tell you about Bernie Sanders telling Dana Bash, who asked Bernie Sanders about Ilhan Omar's comments from that college's campus about the protesters and what the protesters are saying about their position about what's going on in Gaza. But that's pretty far from what's going on in Gaza. And we really prefer conversations about conversations about conversations about something than conversations about something. But I'm doing it as we speak. Thank you, Paul.

Speaking of people who should have stopped talking sooner, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem defended her decision to murder her dog Cricket. I just hope people will read the book, find out the truth, because this was a dangerous animal. And I had a choice between keeping my small children and other people safe or

or a dangerous animal, and I chose the safety of my children. This is the Republican worldview in a nutshell. There's no gray area. There's no calling a dog trainer or taking her to a pet rescue. There's the complete annihilation of Kristi Noem's entire family at the hands of an uncontrollable beast or spraying a dog's brains across a gravel pit before heading to church, which is a rib restaurant.

But it wasn't all laughs this week. According to The Wrap, the Christmas action movie Red One is a year behind schedule and massively over budget due in part to the unprofessionalism of its star Dwayne The Rock Johnson. The Rock would reportedly show up late to set sometimes by as much as eight hours. Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? It's traditional mole rojo, a sauce that must be lovingly simmered for many hours. Eight hours? That's not arriving late. That's arriving the next day.

And that's even with all the time he's saved not endorsing Joe Biden. But it gets better. According to their sources, The Rock likes to piss in water bottles. Here's a quote. On set, away from his trailer, if he needs to pee, he doesn't go to the public bathroom. He pees in a Voss water bottle and his team or a PA has to dispose of it. There, see? Some people like it, said Amazon chairman Jeff Bezos.

Speaking of celebrities who arrive when they are ready, Barbra Streisand piqued our collective interest this week when she asked Melissa McCarthy in a since-deleted Instagram comment if McCarthy was taking Ozempic. No!

Later that day, Streisand wrote on social media, OMG, I went on Instagram to see the photos we'd posted of the beautiful flowers I'd received for my birthday. Below them was a photo of my friend Melissa McCarthy, who I sang with on my encore album. She looked fantastic. I just wanted to pay her a compliment. I forgot the world was reading. First of all, we don't even have a joke for this. She felt she had to explain why she was on Instagram. And the reason was to look at flowers she had received in real life.

In other celeb news, on her show this week, Drew Barrymore revealed she left a list of every sexual partner she's ever had at Danny DeVito's house. Oh wait, this said Danny DeVito pulling a small piece of paper that only had his name written on it? You know what they say, your complete list of sexual partners is always in the last place you look. Danny DeVito's house. During an appearance on the Jennifer Hudson show, Cher explained that she dates younger guys because men her age are all dead. So I guess she doesn't believe in love after life. Great.

Because of life after, she believes in life after love. Well, she asked the question. So Cher doesn't want to date men her own age because they're all dead. I'm newly single and ready to mingle, said Jimmy Carter. Speaking of ancient communications, this week a team of researchers revealed that for the first time they were able to decipher parts of a papyrus scroll that was buried in ash after the volcanic eruption of Mount Vesuvius in the year 79. It's a technique they're calling cleaning the schmutz off. Laughter

The team was able to decipher the text by telling a bunch of Swifties that Taylor wrote the scroll and they came back with it fully deciphered in two hours. Incredible. It's about Joe Alwyn. According to the American Time Use Survey, the average person in the U.S. has gained 10 minutes of sleep per day since their previous survey, although it's possible outliers are driving up the average by napping in courtrooms. What? That doesn't make sense.

A North Carolina toddler who was convinced there were monsters in her closet was, it turns out, hearing the sound of more than 50,000 bees in the walls. White noise machine, move aside. There's a new ambient noise in town, and it's called 50,000 bees inside your walls. Child, you're being crazy. It's not a monster. It's 50,000 bees. Go to bed. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's not a monster. It's 50,000 actual bees. Go to bed.

Dave & Buster's announced this week that its app will soon allow adults playing their arcade games to place bets against each other. Said a Dave & Buster spokesperson, we're just doing our part to demolish America's few remaining friendships between straight men. The skee-ball machine is running hot, I feel it. Please, just from me a few more tickets, said former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. All right, we come back. Rose Abdu is here. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Each year, the International Rescue Committee's Emergency Watchlist Report assesses the 20 countries at greatest risk of new or worsening humanitarian emergencies. These countries are home to only 10.6% of the world's population, but carry a disproportionate burden of global humanitarian crisis. The civil war in Sudan has left over 24 million in need of humanitarian aid.

while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis,

and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. And I walk pundit. I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Ha ha ha!

Healthy, very healthy call. That's real. That's real. Sorry, Dr. Christie, I can't do therapy. I got to go on Anderson Cooper. You can watch. I'll be saying the same things I'll be saying to you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash love it to get 10% off your first month. Obviously,

Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it.

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Look, we get it. As this summer's political and legal rollercoaster continues, we'll need to take advantage of every self-care hack we can think of. That's why Friends of the Pod will be hosting live chats for subscribers during the upcoming DNC and RNC, where subscribers can share opinions, laugh, cry, react with emojis in real time, and support each other through the chaos. Much better than breathing into a paper bag in front of your screens.

in our opinion. So join now. You won't regret it unless you hate fun. Subscribe to the Friends of the Pod community only at cricket.com slash friends. We will see you there. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage, you've seen her in literally everything. It's the incredible Rose Abdu. Hi. Come on out. Nice to see you. Thanks for being here. Hello, everybody.

Very nice to be here. Lovely to see you. Rose, the third season of Hacks is upon us. How does it feel to be in the last television show to ever get a third season in the history of Hollywood? It feels wonderful. And I did watch episode 301 and 302 right before I came here tonight.

And I have to say, if you're Hex fans, you're in for a really fun time. Everybody says it's the best season yet. I think they're saying it's the best season yet. Well, I'm in at the least. So I don't know what that. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm in it plenty. I'm in it plenty. I'm a series regular. And Rose is in it plenty. I'm in it plenty. And I'm very thrilled to be here and very thrilled to be a guest of yours. And if you think I brought you popcorn, I didn't. Oh, OK. Can I surprise you now? Sure. OK. So I have something special for you, John.

I've got a candy bar. Do you like chocolate? Love it. Do you hate gerrymandering? I can't stand this stuff. It's unfair share. Oh. Easy to enjoy, hard to share. Why? Because most candy bars break into equal pieces in a grid, like let's say a Hershey bar. Not this one. Not this one, John. It's a gerrymandered chocolate bar? Gerrymandered chocolate bar. A tactile representation of political inequity. I love that. That's for you. Thank you. There you go.

Now, this is Ben Blount and Brian Kett. They make these bars somewhere in Michigan. I'm from Michigan, Birmingham, Michigan. And I just had to bring you a couple of bars. Can't wait. Thank you so much. Right? I love it. So we're going to play a game a bit about all the many roles you've had. But being a working actor for a long time, were there any stretches where you were like, fuck it, I'm out?

No. Really? No. You just ran the whole time. There was no way. There was no dragging you out of this. No. No bad auditions. No moments where you wanted to, I don't know. Pack it all in. Pack it all in. One time.

an audition for a show that Brad Garrett did, Till Death, I think it was called. And I thought he would really be charmed because I knew he did a Ralph Cramden impersonation and I do an Alice Cramden impersonation. So I went in and I was like, you're not going down to that store tomorrow morning, Ralph. There isn't a manhole in New York you could fit through. And I thought, thank you. It was great. Beautiful.

They don't know. They don't know how good that was. Brad Garrett was not that impressed. He was just, although maybe he was and he just didn't let his face. So after that audition, I was kind of like, I'm not doing this anymore. No, I never was. But I want to tell you something. You were talking about Danny DeVito. I went to his house for a movie reading. You guys, there's a theater in the back. Like you go down this little path and there's a whole freestanding theater with a candy counter and a popcorn machine.

And it's really nice. And I worked with Barbra Streisand. You did? Yes, on a movie called The Guilt Trip, which you might be asking me about.

Maybe. It was called The Guilt Trip. It was called My Mother's Curse, and they changed it to The Guilt Trip. But I worked with her. Oh, that was Seth Rogen. Seth Rogen, exactly right. And we worked together, and while we were working together, she was bidding on a painting from Sotheby's. Exciting. Did she get it? I don't know if she got it. She goes, I don't know if I should buy it or not. Should I buy it? I don't know if I should buy it. I go, you know, Barbara, I'm bidding on an eBay necklace for $38. She didn't know.

And again, not amused. It's like a, it's just sort of barbastrized it, wandering in, putting in like $20 million. It was, well, the one she was bidding on was Van Gogh. Van Gogh? Van Gogh, but Miriam Margolis, who you might know from the Harry Potter movies, she was like, you simply must leave it for your children. It's a Van Gogh. It's a Van Gogh. It's just funny. Just like, ah, Babs, go for it. It's a steal at twice the price. Right.

It was really fun to watch, though. So speaking of hacks, Jerry Seinfeld shared his thoughts on why there are no good TV shows anymore this week, explaining it used to be you would go home at the end of the day. Most people go, oh, Cheers is on. Oh, MASH is on. Oh, Mary Tyler Moore is on. All in the Family is on. You just expected there'll be some funny stuff. Well, guess what? Where is it? This is the result of the extreme left and PC crap and people worrying so much about offending other people.

Here are my thoughts. With Mr. Seinfeld, I feel like he's got a movie called Unfrosted. I'll promote his movie. I don't care. His Pop-Tart movie. And I think he said that on purpose to be in the news cycle and be controversial. I think it's all about publicity for his Unfrosted movie.

It's all goes back. It's Cui Bono. You know, follow the money. It's all about the Pop-Tart movie. All about the Pop-Tart movie because he said that and it gets everybody going, who does he think he, you know, it gets people riled up and talking about him and everyone's like, I'm going to watch that just because I want to see what's going on with, you know what I mean? Yeah, I think that's right. Can I see you squeak? Somebody's rocking. I don't hear it now. Do you hear it? I've been doing this show for eight years. Okay.

I get to say I was there the night of the squeak. Well, Rose, nice. You have been in everything. It's pretty nice. That's so nice. Thank you. And a lot of it was great. So it's time for a beloved Love It or Leave It classic, Was I In This? Here's how it works. You and I will take turns trading off asking members of the audience if you were in this. An audience member will reply if you were or were not. Can we get a volunteer? Ooh.

Give it up for Hallie, everybody. Yay. Hi, what's your name? Lalo. Your name is Lalo, and you took a long time to remember it. I was expecting like a... What were you expecting? I was like a family feud kind of vibe. About your name? What did you think? I said, what is your name? And then you stared at me for a long time. For a second. It was a long time to not know your name. Less than a second.

All right, Lalo, first up. I portrayed Gypsy, the Star's Hollow auto mechanic, on Gilmore Girls. No help. Yes. Yes. And what was that like? It is true. I'm really bad at this. Kind of hurt that Lalo didn't know that without help, but whatever.

Well, when they go Lalo. What was your experience as portraying Gypsy on Gilmore Girls? I enjoyed it. I really learned that for television, they use Worcestershire sauce for motor oil because they think it's less gross than motor oil. And after the 83rd take of Worcestershire sauce, you never want to smell that again. It has umami. That's right.

Maybe it was like A1 steak sauce. Whatever it was, I never want to smell that again. I think A1 steak sauce is very, has a lot of worse. It's a similar kind of energy. You just put a little dab of it, make good Caesar dressing. Oh, good recipe. I'll start calling on people. I don't care. Hi, what's your name? My name is Adam. Did Rose appear in my best friend's wedding? Oh, I'm going to say yes. That's correct. Yes.

Rose played a seamstress and we have a clip. Oh my gosh. Isn't that perfect for her? Absolutely. Now this is going to be tighter. You know, you don't want those things to fall out. No. That's so nice. That was me.

Thank you. That was me imitating my own Dominican mother, who was a seamstress, and I improvised all those lines. Because she used to make wedding gowns for people. I'm from Detroit. She beaded Bob Seger's wife's gown. Wow. Do you know the commercial like Iraq Batman? That's what she said to me. His wife. And she beaded a dress for Aretha Franklin. That's true. And she's 96 years old.

Wow. And I imitated her, and that was kind of a precursor to the Josefina character on Hacks is just me. Do you know, honey, if you don't imitate mama, you really don't have a career. Great. Hi, what's your name? John. Hey, John. Hi. I voiced Captain Mahaffey in Madagascar a little wild. No. That's true. And you know why that guy should know? That's my husband. What the fuck, John? I can't keep track! What?

I can't keep track. You can't keep up. Let's stay with John, actually. This is good. What? We're not leaving. You cannot keep up. No. Rose voiced Leatherhead last year in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Mutant Mayhem. Did not. That's right. It was Rose Byrne. Excellent. Okay, this one. I played a go-go dancer, Cherry Darling, in Robert Rodriguez's Grindhouse Planet Terror.

She did not. That's right. That's correct. False. Did Rose depict Senorita Rodriguez on Nickelodeon's Salmon Cat? Trick question. That's so Raven. Correct. Wow. This is good. This is good. I married the hell out of her. I know. This is good. That's when we met. That's when we met. That's when you met. Yeah.

This one is, I channeled Señora Maria de Los Angeles Pons Montes Garcia y Perez on a show called Strangers with Candy. Yes, she did. John's playing games now. He's playing games now. And I did that with my Second City alumni friends, Stephen Colbert, Amy Sedaris, and Paul Dinello. And I did not know her then.

You didn't know her then? I did not know her then. I just knew her from TV. I shot that in New Jersey. How'd you meet? How did I meet? John Mata? Yeah. At a gallery called Fake in Silver Lake. Wow. And there were a lot of people there that night. And one real thing. One real thing. John Mata. A love connection. That's right. A love connection. Was that, it was an art gallery? At an art gallery, yeah. Were you buying art, John?

Well, it was an art gallery and also a performance space. And then Rose came up to me and we started talking. And then she said, what smells so good? He said, it's me. And I go, I don't think so. But it was. And then he said, you're from Chicago. All you Chicago people come to LA and y'all go out and get drunk and then you marry each other. Which is kind of true. Yeah.

And then he said, I got ever stand on line in your board and you just swallow money. I go, no, nobody does that. Nobody does that. And he goes, oh, one time I swallowed quarters and I could feel him going end over end. And then I became obsessed, John. I was like, I got a Heimlich you. I need to feed my meter. I mean, I was like, what? What kind of fucked up pickup line is that? Every change that works for you. I got nervous. I knew she was on strangers. So at the end of the night, I said, OK, fine.

We were going to go to the Sklar Brothers show. Oh, friends of the show. Friends of the show. And I was really far away from him. And he said, all right, Chicago. And he threw a quarter across this art gallery. And I reached my hand up. John, I have no athletic ability whatsoever. And I caught the quarter. Boom. That's how you do it. That's how you do it. That's right.

Exactly. And then we went out on one date. To the Sklar Brothers show. And then at the end I said, pretty much I'm going to call you every day. And I said, I didn't know if that's something he just said because he said, I pretty much want to eat sushi every day. And I'm like, is this just how he talks? Or does he really want to call me every day? And then he did. And it was December 1st, 2001. And we live in a house, 1201 is our address. And we talk every day. Except one day maybe. Yeah, we miss one day.

I had diverticulitis. She had to drop me off at the hospital. Since 120101. What a love story. Started with a quarter. Yep. I love that. Thank you. Almost don't want to go back to this silly little game of ours.

You ate quarters? Yeah. What do you mean? I had like three of them in my hand or four of them in my hand. Were you in the first grade? No. I think I was like 19.

And I kept saying, but did you pass them? Did you pass them? And he goes, I don't know. And I'm like, how could you not know? And this was the beginning. I figured the damage was done. Yeah, damage was done. Could still be there. A couple years from now, a silver dollar comes out. You know? Exactly. All right. Well.

And then you pelted me with quarters. That's what it was. He started throwing quarters. He threw so many quarters. I see why you were single. Because I feel like you had a, you know the kind of thing, it's like what you were offering, there was only going to be one customer.

And thankfully you're both at this art gallery. I have an actor friend that said, you need to find someone who's as weird as you are. So she said, you and John, you're both so peculiar, you're lucky you found each other. I love that. That's true, isn't it? You gotta be as weird as each other. Or find someone a little bit weirder than you.

That's hard for me. That was hard for me. That was hard for you. And John had been throwing quarters at people at that gallery for years. Exactly. First person who picked up a quarter. All right. Well, honestly, this has turned into quite a delight. You've been in so many things, but honestly, I feel like maybe...

Figuring out what was going on with him was like maybe one of your great performances. Yes. Yeah. Well, it was the night before I did the Gilmore Girls. And he said to me, what are you doing tomorrow? I said, I'm going to work on a show called the Gilmore Girls. And it was before it was hugely popular. And I said, it's my first appearance on it. And he goes, work my name in. And I go, OK. And I'm like, why did I say OK?

Work my name in? What the fuck is wrong with you? What were you doing? I didn't think she'd work my name into it. Then I did, and then I said, so if anyone, is anyone a fan of the Gilmore Girls? Thank you. See, Lalo, there's people who knew I was Gypsy. Anyway. It's Langlo. Langlo? Oh, excuse me. Yes, perfect. All right, so now I did the... I did the... What is your name?

It's Langlo. Langlo with Lalo. I don't know what's happening. All I know is I said. Get Lalo out of here. Get him out. In the episode where I say I can't look at this car anymore, I went mara at the end of it because that's his last name.

So the director says to me, could you try one without that weird word at the end? I go, okay. So I really did. I mean, I just, I'm sorry. I know. I met the day before. Met the day. Pretty much. You had youth through change at a, at a woman. Pelted me with quarters. At a woman. Yeah. And said, say my name on TV. Yeah. I eat sushi every day. I will also call you every day. Correct. And then the next day you're at your job. That's right. And you say this man's name. Mara.

That's cool. Yeah. That's cool. And then the rest, it all came together. We've been together since 2001. Well, thank you. Thank you. Rose Avenue. Thank you so much. Hack season three is streaming now on Max. We'll be right back. Thank you. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage. The killer lady from Lady Killer, the American cunt herself, Jenna Friedman. Wow.

Good to see you. I thought about pretending that American Cunt was just like your nickname for me, that I have nothing to do with, but it's actually a show. Did you tell them? No, I just said the phrase and I was going to hopefully get the context up here now, but thank you for telling them. You did a show called... I did...

American. Yeah, American cunt. Right. Yeah. It's so nice to see you. I'm sorry I... No. Jenna went to the other theater. I went to the wrong venue. Can I tell you about it? Because it's kind of funny. Sure. I showed up. There was a lot of Netflix as a joke signage. And I was like, huh, that's really weird because this isn't a Netflix as a joke show. And so there was a huge line. And I went in and they were like, stop, ma'am. And I was like, I'm on the show.

I go through, I see people I know, I'm saying hi, they're like, oh, we're so happy to have you, and then I go into the green room, and I'm like looking around, and like no one on this show is on that show, and it took me like a couple minutes. And I saw Guy Branum, and I was like, are you on, you're doing Love It or Leave It tonight? And he's like, no. LAUGHTER

I mean, honestly, that is like if you was like, oh, it must be here because guys here. Yeah, because guys. Yeah. And it's just I don't know. I feel like I just need to live my life like I'm like every venue I walk into. It's like a show I'm on, you know, because but I wasn't on it.

My parents would say that I've been living that way since I was five years old. That's great. So you have a new book called Not Funny. In the book, you talk about cancel culture from the perspective of someone who was writing for the Roseanne reboot when she and her show got canceled. Was that at least kind of funny to experience? Yeah, it happened my first day on the job. I was heading onto the lot at CBS Radford, so happy to have a job. And

And I'm looking at Twitter when it was still called that. And Roseanne tweeted that horrible thing. And I was like, oh, no. Hmm. And then I was like, this show feels like this show is going to get canceled. It should. But then I was like, you know what? Wanda Sykes is in the room. Like, you know, if Wanda's still on the show, like, I'll feel better about that. And then, like, I get into the office and I look back at my phone and Wanda Sykes is

no longer doing the show. And I was just like, this is awful. And so then we ended up the show, like it got canceled like the day that it started. Didn't it live on for a while without her? Well, they retooled it and called it the Connors and it's still on. The Connors is still a show on ABC without her. I had no idea. Yeah. Huh. Learn something every day.

You, so you also... I'm not on it, but thanks for clapping. I'm not writing on it. So...

Speaking of things that were canceled. Yeah. You were actually set to host the Penn Awards this spring. The organization. Two nights ago. Two nights ago. It had been two nights ago. Yeah. Whatever the 29th was. Oh, wow. So it was just about to happen. The organization canceled the event because dozens of writers withdrew in protest. I went down a rabbit hole and came out the other side being even more confused about what happened. What happened? What happened?

A lot of writers were upset with PEN America for their stance on the war in Gaza. Without getting into the fray of that, I personally, when they asked me to host, I was like, that's interesting because I've had Seth Meyers and Cal Penn host. And I was like, what's the catch? And I said yes right away. And then I looked at the news.

And I was like, fuck, this is just entering this really kind of scary moment where people are really mad at this organization, which is a preeminent defender of free speech. And I mean, they did a benefit for the survivors of the Charlie Hebdo massacre in the wake of that. So this is a pretty fearless organization. And.

I really thought about it. I thought about the moment that we're in. We were leading up to an election, which could be our last, democratically speaking. And I really wanted to support this organization that supports writers and freedom of expression and fights book bans all over the world. So I said yes, and I wrote a speech that I was very proud of. And then they canceled the event.

There's so much talk about people not being able to say things that they're allowed to say. And then you have an organization devoted to free speech and then writers are angry at them because they remove somebody for protesting at an event. Yes, there was a situation in L.A. where there were people protesting and then one of them was forcibly removed. Yeah.

wrote a joke about it in my speech if you want to yeah let's hear it no i just tried to cover my bases because i was going into like a hostile environment and i'll so that joke was at the end of the speech i say just one quick announcement before we begin please keep in mind that heckling at a free speech event is like jerking off at a strip club they may not stop you from doing it but it'll be far less awkward for everyone if you just wait until you get home that's pretty good i like it it worked

You want to hear another joke? Yeah. Let's hear another joke from the speech you couldn't get. No one's ever going to. No, well, just let's hear one more joke. I like that. Thank you. For those of you who don't know, PEN is an acronym for Poets, Essayists, and Novelists, but it recently broadened to include Poets, Playwrights, Editors, Essayists, and Novelists, which means it should actually be pronounced PEN. I feel like you might want to lean into that, PEN. People might cut you a little more slack if you started going by your actual acronym, PEN.

Everyone is so critical of Penn, but no one would be hard on peen. Unless hard on peen is the title of a book in a Florida library. Pretty great.

What a crush. What a crush. As you're putting together your segment this week, we couldn't help but notice a Venn diagram between two very loud, very, very mad groups of people, all of whom stand against wokeness, cancel culture and keeping your shoes on while sleeping on an airplane. That's right. It's time to play a game we're calling no participation trophies in which you must answer the question. Is this quote from a Republican politician currently in office or a working comedian with vast influence and success?

Huh. Okay. I'm excited. That's us. And look at that with no soup for us. Oh, that's me. Yeah. Next to you. Yeah, it is. Wow. That took a minute. Okay. Yeah. They do a really good job. They do. They do. All right. Is this a Republican or a currently touring comedian? You can get some people fired, but if you decide that you're going to pile onto someone because you don't like what they said or what they did, you can get them fired.

I feel like that that was a Republican. Incorrect. That was Joe Rogan. Really? He used the same word twice in a sentence? So, like, not comedian-like.

Fired, fired? I guess. All right, fine. It's about taking... You and you, I wish you... Well, he has a stand-up comedian. Okay, I don't... All right, okay, keep going. Cut, I don't want to... Okay. It's about taking individuality, merit, and achievement and subordinating that to a political agenda based on identity politics. I think it's important that we fight against it because our society does need to be rooted in truth. He has five hours a day to fill, so I feel like, yeah, that makes, that tracks.

You know? Well, that was a new quote. Oh, that was a new quote? I thought that was still Joe Rogan. No. Say it again. I thought that that was just like a really long Joe Rogan quote because he has so much time to fill. He has so much time to fill. All right, sorry. I dropped that card. So you just have to guess. I'm guessing it was a Republican. It was. It was Florida Governor Ron DeSantis talking to a potential voter who asked what he meant by woke.

All right. Next quote. Republicans are about to quit watching. Republican? Correct. That was Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeting about Tucker Carlson getting fired. Okay. Next up. Was that Louis? That was Ricky Gervais, but it's comedian. You got it. Okay.

That was about a petition against his most recent Netflix special Armageddon over his jokes about Make-A-Wish kids. Yeah, okay.

What are you going to start a petition against Ricky Gervais? What's that going to do? Nothing. He's going to love it. You know he's going to love it. Yeah. Don't do that. It's going to help him. It's going to help the special, yeah. Yeah. Petition. The analogy of the evil planet from the movie The Fifth Element is a very good one. If you fire rockets at the evil planet, planet gets bigger. Rocks don't work.

You need Mila Jovovich. She was great in that. She was great in that. Yeah. And that's what this is really about. We will not allow reality, facts, and truth to become optional. We will never surrender to the woke mob. I guess that's a politician. That was a politician. If this is being canceled, I love it. That's a comedian. Yeah, that was Dave Chappelle. I dug really deep into my soul to find the most offensive way of saying things, the things I want to say, because I think it's very important that we try to preserve free speech in America.

I guess a comedian? Yes, that was Roseanne. While promoting her most recent special, Cancel This. Did you meet her? I never met her. You never met her? She had seen a set of mine that I did on Conan and she hired me off of that. And I never... And then I just... I...

I do believe that like, you know, if you're not at the table, you're on the menu. And so I did want to like sit in that writer's room in like 2017 Trump era and write for her. And it just didn't happen. Yeah. It's interesting to think because that reboot was in the works before Trump. Yeah. I think it would have been like a really cool show in that time. Yeah.

to have a family that is at political odds, you know, still existing at a family as a family. I think that would have been really helpful and hopeful for people to watch. Yeah. It's interesting because if James, James Comey doesn't send a letter, Hillary Clinton wins that show still proceeds. Yeah. And then there's just a Roseanne. I'm glad that you like brought up Comey. You know what I mean? I feel like people don't talk about him enough because he's so tall.

Yeah. It's because he's too tall. People forget that because they forget him up there. They forget him up there. Yeah. They just see clothes. You don't get to get it all the way up. There he is. There's that smug mug. Yeah. What's he doing? Seeing plays and stuff. I bet. He's seeing suffs. I mean, he's not seeing stuff because Hillary Clinton produced stuff. So now he's got it. God, you go to see fucking suffs. Hillary Clinton's produced Broadway musical. You sit down. There's a big fucking tall oaf in front of you. You can barely see around. Turns around. It's James Comey with a

fake mustache to sneak in. Yeah, and then like a monocle or something. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, I can see that happening. The vibe is interesting tonight. Has it been commented on? No, it's a late show. It's a late show. They're doing great. I've told you to stop talking, Lalo. You want to use my heckle joke that I told? Yeah, I liked it. I thought it was good. Jenna Friedman, everybody. Jenna, we back for the Rat Wheel. Oh, yeah. Thank you. The book is not funny. ...

And we're back. Please welcome to the stage the only podcast host more gay than me. I don't think that's right. And in my defense, that's just because there are two of them. Oh, thank you. Matt Palmer and Matt Steele, two gay Matts. Hi, come on out.

Which one of you is gayer? I think we're different types of gay. Both similar level, very high, but different types. Yeah, high key gay. I'm like the musical theater gay. He's the pop music gay. That's sort of our shtick. Does your TikTok algorithm show you defying gravity in every form it's ever taken, every language? I actually don't go on TikTok. I know. He's of a certain age.

I am of a certain age. Wow. Okay. Well, so am I. So I just, you know, I don't belong. I don't belong there. It's like, I, I, you know, I don't, I feel weird being on TikTok at the same way. I feel weird if I ever step into an urban outfitters, but once in a while you go, I go into an urban outfitters occasionally and I look at everything and I'm just like, everything is so cool. I can never wear this. Cause I will look like, so I will look like an old man trying to be young, which I am like,

Like I am always desperately trying to be young, but like I can't do that within my wardrobe. I think that's right. I think that's right. No, no. I think no. Sorry. Harsh feedback from John.

Hold on. Hold on. I think that's right. And then I think I relate. That is right about the experience. That is right about the feeling. Not about you. I'm saying that is the right feeling. You're describing what I was describing. We share something. Listen, I'm not offended by this because it's a fact. You were correct. I'm not. Yeah, I don't have any pride. It's fine. Hey, what are your thoughts on the valley?

Okay. So this is a show on Bravo. It's a spinoff of Vanderpump Rules. It is all the people that got fired for being racists now get to come back on the show, of course. Oh, like a super group. Yeah, exactly. Stassi didn't come back because she's elsewhere. But whatever. The other two are back. It's the worst people you've ever met, and it's riveting. It's like all of their marriages are crumbling. They have like one kid, a beast. Two of them before the season even started airing announced their separations. So it's dark, but it's great.

Best show on Bravo. No Housewives on now, but The Valley's great. I just, I like a little competition. I can't believe they just have conversations over and over again and they never vote anybody out. I gotta, we gotta vote somebody out. That's the thing about Bravo is like you secretly are voting each other out by like who's sitting closest to Andy at the reunion. Who like didn't have a storyline. Oh man. Who didn't bring it. Thank you. I'm so glad you get it.

Matt S. Yes. This week, Glee actor Darren Criss declared that he is heterosexual but culturally queer. Care to comment? I don't think that's the craziest thing to say because anyone who watches him on TV is just like, oh, yeah, he's gay, right? But hadn't he also announced that he wasn't going to be playing gay characters anymore? He has. But is that not queer, I guess, where it's kind of like, OK, you're not officially gay, but like, you're a little queer. Something's queer about this.

Yes. Yes. I think there is. But it's interesting, right? Because someone who's so comfortable, take him at his word. He's so comfortable in his heterosexuality that for a very long time he embraced the fact that he played these gay roles and played them very well. And like that has made him gay coded.

But in reality, all these straight guys being terrified of being perceived as gay, I think is more revealing, right? Like it's like he's so rooted in being straight that he's comfortable pretending to be gay for years on end. Isn't that ultimate heterosexuality in a sense? That was really deep. You kind of just broke my brain with that. And since you're on TikTok, you can make a TikTok about that and like break that down. The kids will love it.

That wasn't an answer. I don't know. Matt and Matt. New polling released this week reveals 70% of potential voters are double haters or voters who reject both Biden and Trump as their next president. What better inspiration we thought for a game with two professionally judgmental gays. That's you. Thank you. I mean, two gays of taste and refinement. Either one's fine. A game we're calling Double Haters.

Oh, look at her. Wow, we look great. You do look good. Look at my shoulder. That's really good. I need that wig. I like it. I will give you an either or scenario. You can pick either option or you can be a double hater and reject both of them. And if all three of us hate both options, well, we've got ourselves something special. That's right. It's the worst sound effects Love It or Leave It has ever made. Matt and Gay or Matt, are you ready to play? Yes. Yes. Yes.

That's... Wait, that's the double hater sound effect. I guess we'll save it. We'll save the other one. All right.

Beyonce's Cowboy Carter or Taylor Swift's The Tortured Poets Department. How did I know this was going to be the first thing that... Look, we love Taylor Swift. She's a talented artist. Everyone becomes a fucking senator when offering an opinion. It's unbelievable. I've never seen anything like this. It's unbelievable. Nobody can just give you an opinion about Taylor Swift anymore. It's like, as I have long said...

As to my dear colleague from Minnesota, I implore you to see my long and distinguished record of bills and resolutions in support of Taylor Swift, and yet... I bought the red pizza box when it was released at Papa John's. I am a fan of her. I'm just saying. The Tortured Poets department's a little too long. 31 tracks is a lot for a human brain to take in in one sitting. Cowboy Carter is a triumph. You can make a great 12-track album from Taylor's. Cowboy Carter is...

You need all those tracks in Cowboy Carter. Yes. And the thing is, like, we have also said about Cowboy Carter, it can be, some of those tracks could be, like, maybe, like, 30 seconds short and you take a couple of them near the end. Sure. But, like, it is a triumph. Like, Beyonce releases nothing less than a triumph at all times. But Taylor, the thing is, like, we eat. Who we love. Who we love.

We have each made our own version of the Tortured Poets Department on our Spotify playlist. Mine is about 17 tracks. Mine is 12. And it's excellent. It's an excellent 17 tracks. Yeah, I mean, it gets even better if you take some tracks from Folklore.

The two gay mats have a very complex relationship with folklore evermore and the Taylor Swift fans. You're just going to get the Taylor Swift fans. I'm going to do the same fucking thing. I really like Taylor Swift. I really do. I really do. I love a lot of her music. I do.

And that's all I want to say. Are you going to answer it? Yeah, are you going to answer it? Oh, no. I love Cowboy Carter. It's a triumph. A triumph is the word. Absolutely. The first song is my favorite song. Oh. No, well, we're back on Taylor Swift. You've taken... But yes, I agree with you. We're still finishing the folklore part of it. But yes. But no, I love Cowboy Carter. I choose Cowboy Carter. And I know we're not supposed to care. But she's going to win Alma Beer, right? And I should let it go. I've been burned so many times. I don't care about those things. Oh, I care. Oh, we care. We care.

To quote Beyonce, I know you don't care too much, but I still care. Okay. Okay. So that's just something we like. All right. Next up, having kids when you're not exactly sure you want to, only to find yourself trapped in a life you resent. Resentment you will try to hide from your children, but they will nonetheless perceive. Or dying childless, full of regret that only truly revealed itself to you after you hit 60. Huh. Which would we prefer? Well, you can either like one or both or hate both.

I think I hate both. I don't like either. I think, yeah, don't do something you don't want to do, like have a kid and then regret it, but also do the things you want to do. Like don't have a kid or whatever. I don't know. Right. The question was really long. No, it is confusing. It is confusing. I think it's that both the path of having children and the path of not having children, I don't want to choose either. You know? That's the challenge. They both scare me. Is this personal? No.

It seems like it. Sure seems personal.

So I'm going to call myself a double hater. We're right there with you. Okay, sure. I wouldn't say I hate the first one. The first one's kind of just like, but at least I'm sure you had some semblance of happiness. We don't have to agree. I think there are different levels of maybe regret for both. I don't know. I wouldn't say I'm a double hater. I would say I'm a double, ooh, that could be better. Okay. All right. Next up, Ryan.

Oh, no. I'm into it. I like books. Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling. Sorry, Ryan Gosling. I meant to say Ryan Gosling. Okay, I definitely hate the second one. The first one was unpleasant, but I feel like I could look away. I like it. Okay. Yeah, I like it too. I think it's fun. Yeah, we think it's fun. We should do more of that on red carpets. I don't like it. Next up.

South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem shooting her dog or President Joe Biden not shooting his dog. I mean, at a certain point, at a certain point, there's blood all over the Rose Garden. That dog's taking down people left and right. Cricket could have been trained. There's no training, Commander.

I'm definitely a single hater with this one. Smart answer. Yeah, thank you. The first one, I assume? Okay. Just making sure you didn't say. I'm not going to reveal. Yeah, I'll say that. I love dogs. All right. Well, they gave the right answer. We love dogs and we love Taylor. We love dogs and we love Taylor. Yes. We love everyone here. The upcoming sequel, Beetlejuice 2, starring Michael Keaton, or the live-action Aladdin 2, starring Will Smith? Is that happening? The second one? Yes.

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no. Aladdin 2 is Return of Jafar. They are making a live action. Oh, Lord. They're doing a sequel to that unholy text. Wow. I gotta say, I hate the worry I feel about Beetlejuice 2. So I will call myself a double hater.

I just because Beetlejuice means a lot to me and Michael Keaton is actually one of my favorite film actors of all time. So I desperately want Beetlejuice Beetlejuice to be good. So I am like worried that it might not be. But I mean, like I would I would still rather have it out there and experience it than not. I hate the second one. I really don't like that.

The second, the Will Smith, the Aladdin 2 thing. I can't say I hate the second one either because it's getting, you know, the strike happened. We need, people get jobs. Okay. Okay. Just sort of a jobs, an Aladdin 2 Disney jobs program. The, I had a bet.

I had a bet after, I love Michael Keaton, and I had a bet with my friend Spencer, which is after Michael Keaton didn't win for Birdman, I had a bet that he would win Best Actor in the next five years. And the only time I had a chance was that McDonald's movie. I know, that had so much Oscar buzz. But it didn't happen for me. It didn't happen. I lost that bet. Was it good? And he was great in Spotlight.

Yeah, but it wasn't like a, yeah, BJC never happened. I still want it for him, though. It's okay. He's still kicking. He's still doing Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. So he's got, maybe he'll win one for Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. That would be iconic. Throwing the lever, changing the track, and allowing the runaway trolley to mow down one person, knowing you chose their death, or not throwing the lever, allowing the trolley to run over several people. I hate both. I hate both. I don't want to run over people. I don't want to run over people. I hate both. Yeah. Oh!

That was it. That was the triple hater sound. Yeah. You know, I always thought was interesting is when people say they would pull the lever because obviously then you say, okay, it's not a lever anymore. You have to shoot that person in the head, you know, and then the trolley driver, somebody to stop the trolley. You don't think, no, shoot the one person. Is that an option?

I think we should leave it there. Give it up for Matt and Matt. They're going to stick around for the rant wheel. Listen to two gay mats wherever you get your podcast. When we come back, the rant wheel. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. Feeling overwhelmed by the relentless news cycle? Want to discuss important issues with fellow political junkies? Look no further than Crooked's Friend of the Pod Discord. It's like group therapy for people who binge on breaking news instead of Netflix.

Look, we get it. As this summer's political and legal rollercoaster continues, we'll need to take advantage of every self-care hack we can think of. That's why Friends of the Pod will be hosting live chats for subscribers during the upcoming DNC and RNC, where subscribers can share opinions, laugh, cry, react with emojis in real time, and support each other through the chaos. Much better than breathing into a paper bag in front of your screens.

And we're back.

Los Angeles, you're in luck. We just dropped new summer dates for Love It or Leave It live show recordings in LA now through August. Can I tell you something? Really pumped off with these bookings. Just, we're not even going to say anything yet, but we've got an incredible lineup of guests now through the summer. Head to crooked.com slash events to get your tickets now. Before we say goodnight, why it's time for the rant wheel. Please welcome Jenna and Rose back to the stage.

Hi, everyone. Hi. Lovely panel. And now it's time for the rant. Well, you know how it works. You spin the wheel wherever it lands. That person rants. There. Oh, and it's already begun. Great graphics here, I gotta say. Yeah, great graphics. Lalo, shut the fuck up. Rose, it has landed on you, not Lalo.

What do you care to rant about? First of all, I do not like when younger people say, okay, boomer, to me, because I was two years old at the end of the boomer generation, which was 1964. So I'm too young to be a boomer. I'm the Jones generation, the forgotten generation. It's called Generation Jones. Google it. Look it up. It was such a relief.

Okay, I don't like when people in my age range say, I can't learn how to say they, they. The people want to be called they now. Really? You don't want to take in any new information? You don't want to learn? You're done learning. You don't want to take in anything new. So you can go on Instagram and learn a whole new way. It's a golden age of massaging fucking chicken and putting like a piece of

It's a burson. You want to take your burson. Nobody knew what that was before. And they're the same suburban people that go, oh, my bling. So you can learn how to say bling and yes, queen and all these other things that make you think you think you sound popular, but you can't figure out they. So I can't with these people. I can't. They is very easy. Done.

That's my rant. That's my rant. A great one. If you can find out what miso is, you can figure out pronouns. Thank you. I totally agree. All right, let's spin it again. Oh, no. It has landed on Matt.

S. Thank you. Am I going? Okay, so I just feel like the culture of hydration culture has actually become a cult. I'm tired of people acting that drinking water is this new code we've cracked in terms of surviving.

And the people who have to talk about how much water they drink, how hydrated you should be, and they have an opinion about how much water you drink, how much water they drink, they carry around the giant damn bottles with the little nooks on them saying, not enough, almost there, halfway there, you can survive.

for the day after you finish the entire thing. I can't handle the people who make the water bottle their entire personality. Y'all saw the Stanley Cup shit at Target. The people beating each other up over the cups. The people who walk in so excited. I just got a reusable straw. I will never give a shit about your reusable straw ever. I just, I don't understand. Like we've been drinking water since the dawn of time and we've learned that like when you're thirsty,

You drink water. Your body naturally wants to do that. It's a thing we've been doing for all of humanity. Don't act like it's this new religion that you just discovered. Thank you so much. Before we move on. Water. So Philadelphia. Philadelphia or Baltimore? I'm from Central Jersey. I'm from Trenton, New Jersey. So Philadelphia. Philadelphia. We bonded over that. I'm from outside of Philly.

Yeah. So we say water. No, no, I was just great. And I came in knowing that everyone would be confused as hell. And I was like, maybe I should say water for the people. But, you know, I was just in it. So I think it's I think it's a beautiful accent. It is Lando and me and I have I have just it's sort of a rant. It's just something I want to tell you all, which is that I I saw the film Fall Guy and I

And it's very good. But we should all go see it because I just want there to be movies...

that are just movies and there's no other thing. Like there's no after credit about how the person in your movie is going to be in somebody else's movie and that there's no comic book in it. And there's no, there's no laser beams and there's no final fight sequence and a big purple haze in the sky. And I just want the movie to succeed. So it is upsetting to me that I had a great time, loved the movie, had a blast. And then, you know, you're in that mode, you're driving home from the movie. I have this haze after I see a movie. I love every movie.

for 10 minutes after I see it. And then I'm driving home and it's like, why did that woman appear in the apartment? I'd like movies to work. Thank you. They're so charming. They're so charismatic. They could hold up anything. Doesn't matter. The plot doesn't make no sense. They're so charismatic. Emily Blunt and Ryan Gosling. It has landed on match. Yes.

Matt P. That's me. I have to say, this year, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame failed to induct the best person alive, Mariah Carey. And this is disgusting news. Mariah has been eligible for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for years now. This was the first year she was even nominated. It's disgusting. The thing is, people are like, well, she doesn't make rock music. Who cares? She has 19 number one singles, all of which she has co-produced, wrote all, except I'll Be There by the Jackson 5. She didn't write that. That's okay. That's okay.

And she's been around for such a long time, giving us such beautiful art. And people love to discount the music of women, the music of people who don't play an instrument. They're like, oh, well, they're not a real musician. This is a person who, beyond the number of notes she can sing on a keyboard, is writing every song. Every melody is coming from her. And she's been around since 1990. And we're still singing her song every Christmas. It's not a coincidence. And Dr. Mariah, justice for Mariah Carey. Yeah. Yeah.

That Christmas song. It's a great song. Every pop star has been chasing her for 30 years. They can't catch her. Can I watch all the other ones? But come on. All right. Let's spin it again. Landed on Jenna. I just found out that the way that Navy SEALs will train Navy Cubs or whatever they're called, Junior Navy SEALs.

To withstand torture, they'll make them sit in a room and listen to the sound of a baby crying for hours. And as a new mom, I'm like, oh, my God, how many hours? Two hours you have to listen to a baby crying? Like, I just, like, oh, no. Oh, no, Navy SEAL. Three hours? You know, I just...

I'm just like, why don't you guys just hire moms? Like, we need work, you know? And they'll be like, well, like, Navy SEALs can hold their breath underwater for two minutes, you know? And, like, I don't know what war you need that in anymore. Like, we're not Vietnam. Like, I don't know why. And I don't know. And, like, I just... Moms are invisible to every man on the planet. And that's... How's that for national security? So I don't...

I just wish Navy SEALs would just hire moms. I wish all private security firms would just hire moms. Our brains change to assess threat. I think everything is going to kill my son all the time, and I feel like I'd be really great

in the secret service. And I just think about, do you remember when like Obama went to Cartagena and he had, um, those, uh, secret service workers and they all fucked sex workers. Like moms wouldn't do that. You know what I mean? But, but they're like, we don't want to hang out with moms. Like that's cause mom, cause we're not fun. You know, I'm not fun now. John knows. I just wish more people would hire moms.

I just, what I was thinking about as you were speaking the whole time is just imagining everything about the Bin Laden raid is exactly the same, but it's new moms. Yeah. It would have happened sooner, you know? They wouldn't have fucked up that helicopter. No, they wouldn't have fucked up the helicopter. They might not have, they would have, yeah, yeah.

I'm sure that, I don't know. I haven't thought about that, but I think that they would have got him sooner. You know, there's a whole mom network. I'm sure they would have gotten moms closer to the inner circle to do something where we are. We all talk. All the moms talk. We all talk. All the moms talk. I love that. And that's the rant wheel. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back because we all need it this week. Here it is. The high note.

Hi, Levitt. This is Savannah from Louisiana. My high note this week is that I am being sworn in later tonight as a new member of the Jefferson Parish Democratic Executive Committee. I'm super excited to help recruit local Democratic candidates in my own parish and help get them elected. Thanks for everything.

Hi, Love It. My name is Melanie. I live in Ohio. My high note is that my wife and I started our monthly donations through Vote Save America last week, and it truly has alleviated the feelings of helplessness that an election year can bring. I'm so glad to know that my money is making a difference for the rights of my family and the well-being of our country. Thank you for being the hilarious soundtrack to my Saturday mornings. Bye!

Thanks, everybody who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a high note, you can send us a voice memo to lowlyhighnotes at gmail.com. That's L-O-L-I highnotes at gmail.com. Or if you're a Friend of the Pod subscriber, you have the exclusive ability, exclusive, to leave us your high notes in the Friend of the Pod Discord server in the Love It or Leave It channel. Hashtag high notes. You'll find it. If you're happy enough, you'll find it. And that's our show. Thank you so much to Jenna Friedman, Rose Abdu, and Two Gay Matts.

There are 184 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night and have a great weekend.

Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Chris Lord is our producer. And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mohana Del Shigi are our writers.

Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, David Tolles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing video each week so you can. ♪♪♪

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