Maeby Funke Maybe Wearing Maebe: Tuesday, March 11th, 2025
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They sound amazing.

Welcome back to the toast and happy Tuesday. Hope everybody's having a parjalicious day. Hope some of you have made a parjie loaf thus far this morning. I thought about it. I was actually going to start my day with the PL, but time got away from me. You know, I was trying on dresses all of a sudden. I'm like, oh my God, get to work. What a horrible way to start the morning. I'm so sorry that you were trying on dresses. I know, but it's my own fault. They came yesterday. I didn't do it yesterday. It was actually nice because I had done my makeup and my hair. So they looked as good as they were going to look. I gave them a fair shot.

I also actually tried on dresses. We have a wedding coming up. My, sorry, sister-in-law, not Ben's sister, sister-in-law, she's getting married and I have really put off getting dresses and I got two yesterday and they both worked. They both fit. And like, I like them both. I don't even know which one to wear. And I want to shout out to a woman. I don't know if it's a woman named Taler Marmo, which is a new brand that I found that makes like there.

they're all like one size fits all caftans. And I know what you're thinking, like one size fits all, but like they're huge. I don't know what they look like on a thin person, but I wore it to the wedding that I went to in Miami. And I just was like, Oh, this brand is fab. Let me get one for Maddie's wedding. Um, now she's pricey. So, um,

I bought one for final sale on, I think maybe like Farfetch. Like you really gotta, you gotta pillage the interwebs for something reasonably priced. But a life hack if you're pregnant and you have to go to a wedding, Taller Marmo. Pargy, thank you. Also, maybe you'll do like a wardrobe change in the middle when Maddie changes her wedding dress, like sister-in-law swapping. That's like, that's like one of the girls who like gets engaged at your wedding. Like hands, they hand the bouquet over to you. I actually think this might be crazier. Yeah.

Of course it is. Doing a wedding, doing an outfit change at a wedding that's not yours is so unacceptable. It's unheard of. It's unheard of. The only acceptable thing is like to change your shoes. Everybody changes their shoes. Like that's fine. Yeah.

And I know at like actually a bunch of like really like Orthodox religious weddings, they do actually change because they like a part of like an Orthodox Jewish wedding is doing like little skits for the bride and groom. Like sometimes that requires a costume change. But other than that, like no, no, no. Having a second party dress, like a shorter version of your regular dress. That's really crazy. I love it. That's hysterical.

So I tried on dresses yesterday and like I live to tell the tale. It can happen. No, same. And like I don't open packages like after five o'clock. So I could have done it last night, put it to bed. Oh, that's an interesting boundary you've put up. Why is that? No, like it's just when I start to wind down for the day and like anything that's coming in once I started like cooking dinner because then it's like dinner, bath, but it's just a hectic time. And then after that time, like don't ask me for anything like.

Yeah, I love that. Even if it's a tiny, I'm not opening anything till tomorrow. I'll do like email work, but I will not do anything physical. Well, I know you were putting in the TV recap work because I woke up with a text message from Jackie about Running Point. So that means you started it. I started Running Point. I watched the new episode of Kardashians because I was one behind and it just brought me so much joy to see Kim Kardashian and Andrew Huberman in the same room.

I heard they had quite a lot of chemistry. I have to put it out into the universe. Not only do they need to get together, but I also, if anybody knows either of them and knows if they have gone even on one date, like, please let me know. Because also the vibe I was getting from the scene is that they might have already been dating. And that's why this meeting was even happening. Because they were looking at each other like so smiley. I don't think because they were just into each other on the first meet. I think maybe they're dating. Because Kim does have a boyfriend. Yeah.

Okay. I like where your head is at. I just don't know. I don't know if I can see these two like truly being compatible, especially when you think about like his sordid relationship history seems like a really toxic boyfriend. Well, I don't think he's a great boyfriend, but I do think the right woman could get him on the straight and narrow. You know, I think there might be a woman out there that would be worth changing for, for him. And he loves women, obviously. Loves women. He...

Kim's a whole lot of woman. I feel like he would be so into her. And I feel like for her, he's perfect because she really shouldn't date like a businessman because she's going to be more successful than any businessman. Obviously, she shouldn't date anyone. There's only room for one star. She shouldn't date anyone in Hollywood. She shouldn't date any athlete. No. But a scientist who has like an interest in fame. A lab.

And you know, he's a lab up at Stanford and she goes to like law school and they could like pack their lunches together in the morning. I'm obsessed. Oh, they're like two students. Yeah. Wait, it's kind of like lessons in chemistry. Wait, can you tell me what you thought about running point? I'm so curious.

I thought it was really cute. I didn't like the vibe of the show. It's like a sitcom almost where it's like a comfort show. It's not like high stakes. Like, no, it's not. It's about a family business, like a family basketball team. And it could be more like, you know, succession where it's like drama and who's no, it's like dopey and hysterical. And also it reminds me a little bit of Ted Lasso, but yeah.

Yes. Again, like a little less serious. It's a swirly Ted Lasso. And it's a comfort show. Like it's something that would have aired on ABC at 8 o'clock back in the day. I watched a lot of it last night too. And did you feel, first of all, what did you think of Chet Hanks? He's the star. He's so great. He's so funny. I feel like he's a little short to be playing a basketball player. That's true.

But they work the angles, you know? Yeah. He's also jacked. He's jacked. He must have like gone on roids for this because he's always been like a big guy, but he's never been like meathead. He's huge. I don't know how he fits through the door. He's huge. He's definitely like the best parts of the show because he's so funny. Yes, for sure.

And I posted this on my Instagram and I got a lot of feedback, people agreeing with me. Because when I first saw the show, I don't know what about it. Maybe it was like looks because it's not so much personality, but maybe the way they talk. He reminds me like a little bit like his character might have been loosely based off Travis Kelsey. I saw that and I do agree. But then I think if that were the case, they wouldn't have called him Travis because that's like too obvious. Oh, is his name Travis? I don't know anybody's name in the show.

Oh, okay. That's interesting. Also, I saw an interview Chet did and he was like talking so glowingly about this project because they like totally let him be himself. They say the character is literally him. Yeah. Which I can also see. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's really fun. It's a nice thing to watch at the end of the day. I don't feel like pressure to finish it quickly. Also, Maria Sofia Estrada is in it. I clocked her in two. How did you realize it was her? In her first scene, she plays Anna Moreno, the lawyer for Jackie. And she was just like being extra. And I'm like, I know this person. I'm like, is that Maria Sofia Estrada? And I literally Googled it and confirmed. I...

very, very recently watched again the Maria Sofia Estrada episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which are some of the funniest. And so I knew, it's like I didn't even need to look it up. Like I'm like, oh, it's Maria Sofia. Oh, okay. I had to look it up to confirm because I was like-

Is that Maria? It's crazy that she can be someone other than Maria Sofia. Shout out, but she's doing a great job as Anna. No, and I love that she has been tapped for like, she was so funny in Curb. She's really a very talented actress and she's relatively unknown. So like the fact that Mindy tapped her, like Mindy saw something in Maria Sofia. Yeah, yeah. Good times.

Let me ask you a question because there was a couple of things I wanted to talk about before, but I don't want to step on the toes of any stories. Okay. Is Kyle Juszczyk a story? He is. We have a sports. Our first story, because we're in like a very much a sports mode between running point. There's been like trade news. I guess this is like trade time and it's affecting the girlies on a serious level. It's train time? Trade time. Oh, trade, duh. Trade, because there are trades happening. So we have a trades story. Okay.

So then I won't talk about my Kyle Juszczyk feelings because I have a lot that I want to share. But the last thing I want to share before we dive in is I watched last night Andrew Schultz's comedy special. Okay. And something happened to me that's never happened to me before in my life. I might even like cry talking about it now. I'm like so emotional. Jackie, I was hysterically crying.

Wow. So I'm going to literally. And the part that's never happened is like you never cried from a comedy special. A comedy special? Like I've cried from laughing so hard. But like it was very emotional. So it's all about fertility. So he just had a baby and he talks all about like IUI, IVF and fertility issues, which for him and his wife, he was the one who had like some issues.

issues. And so what that was like for him, and it was obviously funny, you know, like she isn't in a cup, like, but he talks about the whole journey, like kind of the way we talk about it, but hearing it from a man was like very funny. And I liked that he was really, he talked about his wife. I don't know anything about her, but like so much respect. Like he literally loves his wife so much. So he was like being funny, like my dick, my dick, haha. But like still with so much respect for his wife. And it was just like really well done. And then by the end of it,

it's their journey to getting pregnant. So they do IUI, it doesn't work, they do IVF. It takes, but they're really unsure. And then she wakes up and she's like, oh my God, I had the worst dream that I had a miscarriage. And she goes to the bathroom and there's blood everywhere.

So they go to the doctor immediately like rush to the hospital. And then he's like, and then my wife said that I could share this with you guys. And there's a big screen behind him and they play this montage. First of all, he's filming when they do the ultrasound and they hear the heartbeat and they like both start crying. And then it goes into this like really beautiful montage of her C-section. And then like the baby's first leg year. Jackie, I was hysterically crying. It was so beautiful. Spoiler alert.

- Spoiler alert, because I just added it to my content list. - He got so serious at the end, 'cause he was like, "I felt so bad that my wife was going through all of this." And it was like my issue. It wasn't like her ovaries, it was like my thing. And he was apologizing to her so profusely. And he was like, "She said something to me that I'll never forget." And it was like, "It's not your problem, it's our problem. And that's what we're gonna do." And it was like, he loves his wife so much, he loves being a dad. To hear that from a man who's like, "Oh, joke, podcast, hot penis, jizzing in a cup, the nurse was hot."

It was so refreshing. It was so lovely. Like the whole mantra of the special was like, he loves being a dad. Oh, he fucking loves his wife. He worships the ground she walks on. Like you could still be funny and do that. Like it was such a good special. I was like cracking up and then I really was hysterically crying. Obviously I'm like a little, I'm susceptible. You're a little emotional. I did. I cried about the wifi this morning.

Just a little. Little bit. It was so good. Like I, it was like, nobody's done anything like that before. Like it was a different take. Everybody does the same specials. How funny story in my penis. But he,

Really did something new. I was hysterically crying. Well, now it's on the content list. Did Ben watch it with you? Yes. And he was cracking up because it's really relatable. Like the whole journey of trying to conceive. Yeah. Obviously like their journey was different than, than ours and other people's, but like the whole thing about how, like, you know, you think it's so easy to get pregnant and he's been on the hair pill like his whole life. And when he had low sperm count, they were like, it's probably cause you're on the hair pill. He's like, you mean to tell me my whole life? Like,

I could have just like not been getting girls pregnant and had amazing hair. Like that's all I had to do. It was really relatable. It was very funny. What's the hair pill? I assumed it was like minoxidil. Propecia. I think it's Propecia. Oh, Propecia for sure. I think Propecia is like no low sperm count. So watch out for that one. So he's like, that's a life hack. You want to have great hair and get nobody pregnant? Like when you're 20s, take Propecia. It was really funny. So Ben loved it. I loved it. It was a great watch. Okay, great. Thanks for the rec.

Yeah, sorry for spoiling the whole thing, but I thought it was so inspired. Yeah, and I think I'll still be able to enjoy it without the cliffhanger. Yeah, it also kind of came out of nowhere. Yeah. Like this deep sincerity, and I thought he was about to make a joke, and he didn't, which I liked. It was just... And to hear one of those stereotypical bro-y podcasters talk so glowingly about fatherhood and family, it was so lovely. A lot of them...

Our fathers and family men. Yes, but like they don't talk about it like... Yeah. Even when he was talking about like his wife's body, he was still... It was funny. Like he was like, you watch your wife get fingered. Like it's fucking weird. I'm sitting right here. It wasn't disrespectful. Like it wasn't gross. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like it was all positive, like all in awe, all in very like, you know, rude.

With lots of reverence. With lots of love. With love, Andrew. With love, Schultzy. Everything I do, like I'm cooking dinner last night, with love, Jax. By the way, it's so good to constantly be sending things out into the world with love. You know? It's so true. I made salmon bowls last night with love, Jax.

I saw that you were making salmon bowls. It kind of looks like you were making them with hate, like that it was a lot of work. So I was making them with a bit of love and hate. Like they make it, they act like it's an easy thing to make. Like, oh, because it's like just a bunch of ingredients. Who's day? Just like...

Even the recipe maker, and you would think, like, assembling a bowl, it's not making a roast chicken, but it's just, like, a lot of chopping, a lot of dishes. It was so worth it, though. So worth it. Such a good meal. It looked pargy. But next time what I'm going to do is I'm going to bake the whole salmon. Like, because that's so easy. Just put it in a baking dish, cut it up, put it on the bowl. And I still have some fixin', so I think I'll make it again tomorrow. And I still have extra marinade, so it's going to be a breeze the second time around.

You just reminded me. I took your advice today, this morning. That's my favorite words, by the way. Just know, like, nothing, like, scratches my brain than someone saying that. That's so fair. It's giving, like, you were right.

Yeah. Which advice of all did you take? You told me that I should do a what I eat in the day Patreon and I started it this morning. People are like genuinely like so like they're curious about what other people eat. But like for me, because like the Ozempic of it all, I've always been asked to do it. What I eat in the day. But like, honestly, it's so toxic. People are like, you should shut up. But now, like being pregnant, I feel like it's even more interesting. And honestly, like the vlog is going to be three hours long because all I do is eat.

So I started it this morning. Spoiler alert, I won't tell you what I had for breakfast, but I'm doing a What I Eat in a Day. It's going to be for our Patreon. I'm really excited to watch that. Especially like, yeah, I remember I saw one of my first forays into Matt and Abby was like, I got targeted for like Abby's What I Eat in a Day as a pregnant and breastfeeding mama. So she is so, and she works out too. So that's like triple the appetite because you're so hungry when you're breastfeeding. You're so hungry when you're pregnant and when you work out. Oh my goodness, I was so hungry.

Well, it's interesting because now that you know someone's like going to be watching you eat, like you're not for what?

Yeah. Like you're putting your best foot forward and I'm really trying like not to lie. You're like not using the paper plates you're using. No, I did use a paper plate. But like I sat down and like I usually sit at my countertop. Like I sat at the dining room table and like laid out all my things. I tried. But I'm really trying to be like super authentic. I know people like lie or embellish. You know, they just make it a little bit healthier or a little bit more well-rounded. Like I'm going to be.

as honest as I can be but the inclination to just like spruce it up is so real yeah you want to put your best foot forward I don't think that's such a bad thing but like yeah you do need to film like every handful that you grab from the cupboard but then it's like because you're filming you're like let's make a snack so Ben was in the vlog actually inspires better behavior it's it's aspirational

- Well, yeah, but then you'd have to do it every day. 'Cause I'm in the vlog and I'm like, oh, I'm eating an orange and Ben's like, do you, I'm like, do you want a slice? He's like, no, I don't eat before noon. - Oh, okay. - I'm like, wait, not you lying. Like, yeah, you do. We go to breakfast, like at the diner, like what the fuck are you talking about? - Oh, wow, a performance. - And he's like, no, I'm not lying. And then he was like, you lied when you said you have fruit every day with your breakfast. I'm like, no, I do have like a piece of fruit every day. Like, and like, so.

We are all ready. Like now I feel like people are going to think I'm lying. I swear I'm not. I have fruit every morning. The thing is, you have earned our trust over the years. You are a trustworthy person. Thank you. You are an authentic influencer. So I'm going to believe what you say that you eat. He's like, I don't eat before noon. Sometimes even one. What the hell are you talking about? Okay. Okay, P.T. Barnum. The greatest showman. Meanwhile, he had already had like a coffee, his athletic green. So it's like he's like doing stuff. Yeah. No, he's like full of liquid. He like blends a cereal. Yeah.

It was just, he was lying. That's really funny. I guess we'll get Ben's what he eats in a day too. What are you going to have for dinner? Well, I don't want to spoil it. We talked about it in the vlog. Oh, okay, cool. Don't spoil it because I'm actually like enjoying this vlog from afar and I look forward to watching it. So those were my, I had three things written down. Andrew Schultz. You know what I want to make tonight? What? A taquito. No, a crunch wrap.

You would confuse those two things. And you should. It's really hard, though. But, like, I went to the tortilla aisle yesterday to start getting ingredients. And, like, what is the crunchy piece? You know what it's actually called on the recipe? A tostada? Yeah, the tostada. But where do I find that? You make it. What? It's like a mini tortilla that you fry. Oh, okay. I bought mini tortillas. Yeah, and then you just fry it, and that becomes, like, your cracker. I fry it, like, in a vat of oil.

Yeah, I'm sure they sell like pre-made tostadas. I'm pretty sure, yeah. But here's the thing. Are you going to put cheese in it? Sure. Okay, so I didn't put cheese in it, which makes it really hard because cheese is like the glue that keeps the whole thing together. And I don't like cheese. So Ben like has the hardest time assembling mine. But yours should be good. Follow Ben's recipe. He has a reel on his story. Okay. I mean his Instagram. Maybe I'll FaceTime him for a consultation. Wow, I wasn't expecting to take a stray bullet today. I opened up my iPad. You know, they give you like a photo of the day.

My photo of... Theo. Rip. When I said a stray bullet, I meant it. That's so funny. I have an iPad. Actually, not this one. It's an old iPad that we use downstairs. And I don't have a lot of pictures there. And so whenever a picture comes up, it's like of Dan Schneider. Like something that you used for the toast. Like for the first week of the toast. It's like circles around his face. Ready? Yeah. Ready? Similarly, I have the Applewhite family from Desperate Housewives. Let me see what's on this iPad.

Oh, Theo getting a bath. This is like such random photos. Me and Ben dressed as Donna Kelsey. And then there's a shit ton of pictures of your kids, which I obviously won't show, but will enjoy myself. Yeah. Oh, like a bunch of, oh my God. Like so many accidental photos. Yes, of course. Like this. I love this. That's beautiful. I think I should bring it. I love this one. I love this one. Oh my God. How cute am I?

coaches you are beautiful you're beautiful yeah coaches you are beautiful yeah yeah that's right my nephew said i was beautiful here's a picture of my sisters and my brother i can't see what i'm looking at i'm gonna crop out margo sorry sachi can you see i have all the like getty images from that amazon party on oh pargy photos that is so funny real par um

I say we dive in. We also have Dear Toasters today at the end of the show, which is our weekly advice segment that everybody looks forward to. So I'm ready if you are. You just tell me when. Let's get into the Fast Five Stories You Need to Know. The Fast Five Stories You Need to Know are brought to you by Good Ranchers. So...

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Thank you, turd back. I don't like that one. Makes me feel like big, like a linebacker, a turd backer, you know? Okay. You can cut that one from your vocab. I won't say it again, but I don't regret saying it today because it's the perfect segue to our first story, which is some football news.

Okay. Let's talk about it. Apparently, I don't know if it's just, you know, things coming in threes or like if this is trade season, if this is the moment for trades because two else got traded Braxton. Oh,

Oh, right, right. Two major trades in the sports ex-girlies world. I'm actually sure other people probably got traded, but like we know about these two because they're for the girlies. So Braxton. And also like I don't think actually Braxton's is like that big of a trade. I think someone in his position and his agent gets traded. But like for us, it's a big deal. Yeah, no, this doesn't like shake up the sports world. They're not talking about it on ESPN. It shakes up the Earl world because, of course, like her and Braxton got together both living in Miami. They did.

They've been like a Miami It couple. Yeah, they've never had to be long distance or anything. So if he's now going to the Texans, what does this mean for Braxton and Alex? Now, I personally think that Alex really loves him so much. Me too. This is a one-year contract worth $2 million. So I think it's nothing they can't handle and nothing that they won't get through. But I feel like people are like, is Alex moving to Houston? Probably not. I feel like other people might think they would break up over this. I really don't think so. I think she really loves him.

Also, football is kind of the best sport to be in a relationship with because it's the shortest season. So he only needs to physically be in Houston for a certain amount of time. But I think people also really underestimate how busy Alex Earl is. Like she makes it look fun and she's like, you know, a swirly, but she's like an extremely successful, booked and busy business person. I don't think she can be going to Houston, you know,

every week if she doesn't live there. And I don't think she's going to live there, but I do think this actually will be really challenging for them. I do think so too, but I think it's just a year. Like we'll see what happens after a year. I don't think this is like great news for Braxton's career. Me neither, but it is because his...

at like the last season of his in Miami, he was out due to an injury and it was like a really serious injury. It could have been like a career ending one. So I think he rehabilitated himself really well. So the fact that he got a contract after such a big injury is like very promising. Yeah. Dolphins also stunk. They didn't even make it to the playoffs. So it's like, that's not practice fault.

No, I agree that it doesn't like bode super well for his career, but he's also that type of player. Like some players, you know, your job is to be a professional football player and you go to different teams all the time. Sometimes like up until recently for Kyle Juszczyk, like you're sort of a franchise, the quarter sort of a franchise. He's like a team captain. He's kind of like a leader within his community. Sometimes you get that and that's so great for you and your family because you don't have to move. But most football players like are more like Braxton. They get a year here. They're lucky if they get two, their wife and kids just like move with them. So,

It's not uncommon, but like the big ones were like, yeah, well, Tom Brady was there for 50 years. Well, he's Tom Brady. Yeah, a lot of them do beep boop bop. He had a nice stint in the Dolphins where he was able to meet his lady love and hopefully they'll get through these tough times and maybe they'll even have some fun. That could be fun. Yeah, but let's talk about Kyle Juszczyk because that kind of directly affects us more. Yeah, so Kyle Juszczyk was also traded from the 49ers, right?

Well, he wasn't traded. He was released. Yeah, hopefully with a trade coming. Yeah, so I had done some research, and I remember hearing about this last year. Kyle Juszczyk took a pay cut last year. They had met with him to restructure. He took a pay cut. I think he makes a lot of money, and I was also being such a...

curious kitten last night, like looking at all of his different contracts, like he makes a lot of money. He could take a pay cut. So he took a pay cut. I think he like loves his team. Right. Not having to move his family. Yeah. And then this year they six days ago,

had a restructuring meeting with him again. I think they were wanting him to take another pay cut. And they had said if they can't reach an agreement that he's going to be released. So I guess he wasn't willing to take another cut or whatever they were asking him to concede. And so he is gone. And that's kind of a big deal for us because obviously he's a close personal friend and just like a trusted resource here at the Toast. Two, it's why we're 49ers fans. Like I guess we're not anymore. No, I mean, he brought us to the team and now obviously like we have roots there. Yeah.

I have love for the Niners, but Kyle Juszczyk not being there, wherever he goes, just know, and this definitely ups his value, my fandom goes with him. It's true, but the thing about me is I have so much love inside me for so many teams. I'm a fan of multiple teams.

And I could take on one more. I'll take on all of them. When something happens where I have a reason to like a team, I, of course, love the Niners. We are a Cowboys family. I love all the Florida teams because I'm Florida strong. You love all the New York teams. I love all the New York teams, like hometown teams. Josh Allen. I love Josh Allen. I love the Chiefs because I'm a pop culture girl. I watched Quarterback on Netflix, so I like Kurt Cousins.

Classic. I like them all. So wherever he wants to go, I'll support him. And that makes it nice for me because I can buy all those shirts on Abercrombie for all the different teams that I love. Do you think that Christian used Czech's brand because...

when she launched her brand they only launched with like four or five teams it was like the big teams and the Niners were obviously one of them because they're a big team but also because that's obviously her husband's team do you think that they're gonna drop the Niners from like their offerings they only have like five teams no I think she has love in her heart for the Niners but I think this will be an exciting moment if she goes to a new team with that they don't carry their jersey yet it will be like an exciting launch to do it with her brand so I think she can make the most of it for sure

I also think, I mean, he's 34, which isn't old, but it's not young. And I think that a lot of people were like saying if he was going to retire. I don't think that he will, because if he was when they released him, I'm sure they could have come to an agreement where he was just allowed to retire. Yeah. Yeah. And instead of being released. So I think he will play. He has plenty of years to play. He's super young. Yeah. I feel like Braxton's closer to retirement. He's 29. Yeah.

Yeah, he's also been plagued by injury. Like that, that counts too. Kyle is pretty. And maybe there's more longevity in certain positions and others have the shorter shelf life. So Ben was explaining to me, Kyle's position is a fullback and he's been on the Niners since 2017, which is like such an honor to be able to be on the same team for like eight years. And he's like the captain. Everybody loves him. Like it's like a real family over there. But they are, I don't know if they

I don't know if they're like in a rebuild year, but Debo Samuel is gone. I think there's talk about Brock. I was reading like some Adam Scheffler things yesterday. Like I think they got to a place like two years ago where it was as good as it was going to get. And if they didn't win that Super Bowl two years ago with like Brock and everyone, like everyone's getting older now, like injuries, like it wasn't going to happen. So now it's time to rejigger a little bit. And I think that's what this is. But Kyle's in a unique position because he's a fullback. And Ben was explaining that like that particular position is,

football is like sort of trending in a different direction now. I didn't really understand exactly what you were saying, but like fullbacks, like not every team even has a fullback now.

But he plays all different positions. He does. He was actually like a backup quarterback for the he also went to Harvard and graduated with a 4.2 GPA. I did a lot of research on him last night. I was curious just honestly how much money he made because I'm so obnoxious. The 49ers also contracted someone called Luke Farrell. He's a tight end three years 20 million dollars. I think he might be the future.

Well, that's interesting because they have a very good tight end, George Kittle. Does that mean he's also on the chopping block? I think you can have more than one tight end. Look how many Travis has. Yeah, it's true. It's true. And then they also have Christian, of course. Yeah, of course. But like, Christian's kind of been a blessing and a curse because he's so amazing. But he was injured this last season and the 49ers went nowhere. He's like...

He's like too good compared to the other players. Yeah, but that happens with any team. That would be like if Tom Brady got injured, like they'd probably trade him for Tom Miller. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So where do you think Kyle's going to go? I would love for him to come to New York. He's from New York. I feel like he could. And Lord knows the Jets could use like something. I don't think he should go to the Jets. I think he should go to the Chiefs. And that way Taylor and Chris Sinks just be friends. Yeah. I think maybe he will go to the Texans. Maybe they're acquiring. Oh, they're like an acquisitional year. Yeah.

Yeah, this is so rising point. What's it called? Running point. This is so draft day. The best day of the year.

I do really wonder where he's going to go. I don't know anything about like the landscape of teams. So I don't know who needs a fallback, but send off in the comments. I'll eavesdrop on Zach's show tonight. I'll let you know what they say. You're going to listen to Colin Cowherd? I will eavesdrop. I will not actively listen. But hopefully, I don't know why he watches like Colin Cowherd more than Mike and... Molly? Mike and Mike. Mike and Mike.

Mike and Mike is the show PTI pardon. Maybe he watches PTI like earlier in the day and I'm not around for it because that's like his number one. And I will never understand. Now his number one. I will never understand how there's like a successful sports show called part of the interruption and then also part of my take. Also Mike and Mike are different than PTI. I just because it's Tony.

Tony and Mike and then I think there's another show called Mike and Mike that we don't watch and then there's Big Cat I know Big Cat and then there's Jackson Claude there's there's never not been you know we are Tony and Mike maybe that's why I like when he watches that one um I'm totally Tony right no no I'm so oh you're so Tony I don't even know who I like I literally don't even know what these people look like Tony like won't even get on an airplane

So like the other one like goes to like the Super Bowl and stuff and like does everything and Tony like will not get on. Oh, you're Tony. Tony's like the agoraphobic host. And he's like older and he's just like.

sat giving his opinions. And the other ones are kind of like the correspondent liaisoning. Yeah, like you would probably recognize him. He's like, you would not recognize Tony because Tony doesn't go nowhere. Well, they better watch their backs because Jackson Claude are definitely like emerging as leading voices in the sports world. It's true. I wonder though, I'm just going to like head over to ESPN quickly. Like if other trades happened yesterday and we only know about these two because they affect us. No, I don't think yesterday was like a trade day, but you're right. We're definitely like in the season. Yeah.

headline of ESPN 2025 NFL free agency winners and losers 49ers Jaguars Patriots okay so this was happening all over okay so now you know that look out cool look out

That's the thing about sports. Like, I don't know how people have shows that are completely dedicated to sports because like it does get boring. Like the fun part's over. Like Kyle was traded. Like literally what else is there to say? How do people do an hour long show? They do like predictions too, you know, when like. And I guess they cover multiple leagues. Yeah. But like, you know, red carpet, like at the, at the pre-show when they're really desperate, they're like, I think Jennifer Aniston's going to wear this dress. We'll be wearing like Dior haute couture. On the runway. It's like,

This is a complete waste of time. You realize that? Yeah. I spoke to Jennifer Stylist and she wouldn't tell me what she was wearing. Okay, so why the fuck are you sharing? She said, look out. That's so Zanna Roberts Rossi. But that's also what they do on these sports shows. Like a game's coming up and they talk about what they think will happen. And they analyze previous games too. Truly.

- Ready for our next story. - Yeah. - One that you're really passionate about 'cause you sent it to me on multiple channels hoping that we can talk about it. - I did, I wanted to make sure you didn't miss it 'cause I have a special place in my heart for Neo. If you've ever seen him sing the national anthem, you know that nobody else should ever sing it again. Like people are always like Whitney Houston's, Whitney Houston's is the best and it is, but Neo's is a very, very close second and he doesn't make news a lot.

And when he does, you better sit down and listen. He made news yesterday because he has a special place in his heart for his four girlfriends. Multiple, yeah. He introduced his four girlfriends from his polyamorous relationship yesterday. Neo is not ashamed of his polyamorous lifestyle. Taken to Instagram over the weekend, he introduced fans to the four women he's currently in a relationship, urging critics to say something nice or move on with their lives.

Since the world is so intrigued, he said, I guess I should introduce my loves properly. Ladies and gents, I present my pyramid. And he tagged them all on Instagram. It was a collab. Being a really supportive boyfriend, if that's the right word. I don't know. Let me tell you, I didn't expect this from Neo. Does it change how you feel about his national anthem? No, no. Okay.

Does it change just like how I think of him in general? Yes. Does it change like the place in your heart that he was holding? Yeah.

A little, honestly. Like, this is really crazy. And it sounds like he was going to be exposed because he was like, since everybody wants to be knowing, like, here it is. Like, he releases information begrudgingly, like, with a gun to his head. Yeah, or like people were like, I saw him with her and I saw him with her. So they thought they had something. And he was like, well, you don't. He was getting a reputation as like a philanderer. Meanwhile, he said, joke's on you. He's just polyamorous.

Yeah. Now, I don't know anyone polyamorous. I've never met anyone polyamorous. So I don't know how it works. But I've obviously come across... But you've watched Sister Wives and you love Sister Wives. I wouldn't say I love Sister Wives. But yes, I know the Sister Wives and I did watch. And honestly, I think that they are a testament...

To why polygamy should never be a thing. They were the most toxic group of people. I believe half the marriages are now over. Once that Robin entered. Oh it was over. Like Robin was the beginning of the end. You know. I don't know who the Robin is of this particular group. I'm sure. Maybe we'll get a reality show. We need TLC to pick up cameras. Yeah. We do. If this is going to happen. And you know we're not allowed to say something unkind. Or else we have to move on.

Well, I think we could say unkind things. He said say something nice or move on. Oh, you're saying because Neo told us. Because Neo said that. And I'm trying. I haven't said anything not nice. But anyways, just saying. If this is going to happen and it's out there and like we should get a show. Start rolling. Yeah, it would be a great show. I don't know how this works. Now, I'm obviously thinking about it like if I had four husbands. That's an interesting way to think about it.

It sounds like a lot of cleaning and a lot of just chores. But what if you had a husband who was the designated cleaner? Kind of awesome. Oh, that's nice to kind of enter a polyamorous relationship where everybody serves a purpose. Like one is the maid. One's the chef. One is the chef. One is the driver. One is the butler. Oh, you know what? I mean, I guess it's just a staff. And the one that you like really love and you just want to hang out with until like everyone else is like...

making that happen. But that's the Robin effect. Like that's really, and that's when it becomes so toxic. And then when you start having children with multiple partners, it really gets complicated. So polyamory is all fun and games until we're reproducing. Honestly, I don't judge, but like I do a little, it's complicated, you know? And yeah, I don't envy, but you don't hear about sister husbands. Like you only hear about sister wives. It's,

It's true. And I need to start seeing more women in male dominated fields like polyamory and polygamy. I feel like you sometimes hear of women who like they wouldn't call it sister husbands, brother husbands, but like they're spinning a web. Yeah, but you're saying like a throuple, but it's always multiple women.

Yeah. Because I'm thinking about like I sometimes end up on like strange TikToks of like my husband's girlfriend and it's always my husband's girlfriend. Like there's no my husband. It's not my wife's boyfriend. Yeah. Or like it's like my wife's girlfriend like from Ruby Frankie. Correct. That happens. So I mean it's not for me. Different strokes for different folks. I...

I've never been with multiple partners in my life. This is really crazy. But I did like how he really got up on his platform and supported all of his women tagging their Instagrams and like where to follow them. Like rising tides raise all shides. It's it's they could start like a little bit of like a kind of a business empire. Yeah. If they've got that entrepreneurial spirit. That's one reason to do it. Yeah. We'll see what happens. You know. I do know. What more can you say? Are you ready for our next story?

A little Lurd and Vistraving. Nope. Lurd and Vistspotting. Or Lurd and Traversing. I think they're all bad.

Yeah, me too. I think we should get to the story. Yeah. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey were spotted in Park City, Utah, keeping a low profile on a dinner date after reconnecting on their romantic getaway. So Ler and Viz have not been spotted in a while. We knew they were on a vacation, but really weren't spotted at all. But they have just been seen in Utah getting into a car after a dinner date in Park City.

Yeah, I don't know where. I think we all just sort of assumed they were on vacation. I don't know where I thought they were, but it wasn't Utah. Although it does make sense, because when you think about this time of year. And then they went to Utah. I think they did the sand and then the snow.

Oh, well, when you think about this time of year, like where do cool people go? Like they go to like Aspen, but it's so sceny and it's so small. Like they wouldn't be able to really hide away there. And Utah is kind of famous for its like ability. You could really go and hide there. Like it's so big. It's so vast. It's not really sceny, but it's the same party vibes like Aspen, cold, cocoa. Yeah. I don't think that they do. Like Taylor, first of all, is like her body's insured for like $11 million. You know, it's not. Yeah. Yeah.

It's not a smart business move. And Travis cannot be getting injured in the offseason. That's like the dumbest thing you could do as an athlete. I don't feel like professional athletes ski for a number of reasons. I actually feel like they're not built for it. And it's a liability. I actually cannot imagine him on skis. A tennis player could ski. Like that agility, hand-eye coordination. But big, tall. That's not what I meant when I said professional.

No, I know, but we're talking about basketball players, football players, hockey. They definitely do not ski. No. Tennis players do. It's like girly. No, it's not really girly. You need to be really coordinated. And actually, when you're that big, you're not really capable of extreme coordination. No, and you have to be very nimble. Light on your feet. Meanwhile, his job is to be heavy on his feet. Yeah, no. So I don't know what the hell they do in Utah. They definitely go snowmobiling. Cute. They probably just cuddle up and cook. Cozy vibes.

Yeah. Yeah. So that's really cute. And this is like the first time I feel like every time they leave a restaurant, no matter where they are, it's like thousands of people outside. But the video of them leaving, like it's literally the worst video ever. They're just like running into a white Range Rover. So it can be done if they want to live like a low profile kind of life. But I think that's also just Park City.

I don't know. They have Sundance there. Like it's, it can be fabulous. No, no, I didn't. I didn't say it wasn't fabulous whatsoever. I just think it's like low key and not everyone's up your butt and you could just, it's more private. Yeah. So happy to see them back in the States. Yeah, we vacationed in Park City too. Where do you think they were before?

like someone's island yeah because all the places that like people like everybody goes to st. bart's this time of year we're not it's a it's the same as aspen like it's so small it's so scenic you would know if they were there it's like teaming with people yeah they definitely go to someone's island like a richard branson type of thing yeah well welcome back hopefully don't get traded it's trade season bon voyage are you ready for our next story does that mean it's number three no it's number four oh i really thought it was oh it's number four yeah i'm ready

It's actually a really crazy story if my iPad will reload. It's like people that I ordinarily wouldn't care about, but they did something really crazy because Lauren Graham from... Yeah. Lorelai Gilmore. What were you going to say? From Gilmore Girls. From Gilmore Girls. Did you just have a stroke? No, no, no. I was just trying to think of Gilmore Girls and also my fucking ad on page six won't let me see the story, bitches. She is from Gilmore Girls, but to me, she's from The Pacifier. Yeah.

She let it slip the father of Mae Whitman's baby. Mae Whitman is her Parenthood co-star and she had a baby and she hasn't said who the baby daddy is. And Lauren Gilmore was on Armchair Expert and is prattling on about Mae and her baby daddy who is a famous person and their plans. Oh, yikes. So Lauren Graham identified Carlos Valdez as the father of Mae's six-month-old son on Armchair Expert. Wow.

She played May's mom on Parenthood for six seasons, and she was attempting to recall the last time that they saw each other. So she said, they're in New York now. Carlos, her baby daddy, is on Broadway in Hadestown, which I feel happy to plug because he's fantastic in it. Oh, not her thinking. She's doing them a favor. Carlos Valdez.

Say it again. So they're in New York for the next while. And then she got this job in Ireland. So she's in Ireland with the baby. Like, why is she talking about somebody else's family schedule? Are you crazy? Yeah.

Now, this is obviously not done with bad intent, you know? - No. - 'Cause she loves this person. But seriously, Mae Whitman is definitely so mad. - That's crazy. - For some people, I guess if you're following Parenthood or if you have followed Mae Whitman, which I haven't, but people do, they really like her. This is kind of like a Mindy Kaling. Who's the baby? And I guess, I don't know if we were meant to never know or just not know for a little while.

But this is really bad. How do you apologize to somebody for this? - I don't know. But this is really crazy.

I feel obviously terrible for May because this is not what she wanted. I feel bad for the pit that Lauren Graham is going to have when she realizes. Actually, in this situation, I know she's the villain, but I actually feel worse for her. Because as you said, it wasn't done with bad intent, but it's just like, it's mindlessness, you know? I mean, what do you think? You go on a podcast, you just start like rambling on about someone else's life. So random. And-

It's like she's an older woman. So like older people just like slip things out, you know? Yeah. Unless it was like, you can't like yell at her. Like everyone knew who May was with and she just hadn't shared it yet, but it wasn't like top secret. Like, cause they are together. So you could spot them together or something, you know, maybe it's like not the biggest deal. It's just something that we didn't know yet. But again, I'm not following it closely, but this is not how you ever want it to come out.

Somebody who watched like two seasons of Gilmore Girls and my biggest takeaway was that Lorelai was the fucking worst. This is such Lorelai behavior. Like, oh, sorry, like what?

Like, I don't know. Like, I'm a single mom. Like, I don't know. Like, she's just, like, so, like, rattled. And, like, just always, like, fucking shit up. Yeah. And I feel like I felt even bad, like, repeating the name when I was reading the story. I know, I know. But it's not our responsibility now. And Orange Tracksbird is a bigger podcast than this one. So, like, more people are going to be there. But, like, Carlos Valdez could go on to win an Oscar now. And, like, I'll never feel comfortable saying his name. Because, like, I know I'm not supposed to.

And Carlos Valdez could actually come up and like kiss me on the street. And I still wouldn't know who he is. Well, he was May's co-star in Up Here in 2023. Again, I know very little about May Whitman. I just like know her face. And May Whitman is from? Duff. Okay. Yeah. And then who's the girl? I know it's not her, but like they have a similar. Yeah. Yeah. Bailey Madison. What'd you said? Oh, Bailey Madison. Oh, no. I know Bali. Oh, no.

Yeah, she's like the kid from Grown Ups. They have the same face. No, to me, the girl from Arrested Development, maybe Fiume K. Oh, that's her name in the show. That's her name in the show. She's Tobias' and Lindsay's daughter, maybe, which is why I confuse her with Mae Whitman. Understood. And then do you also confuse her with Molly, maybe? Never. There's only one. My sweater today is maybe, just so everyone knows.

She's so cute. Maybe Fuenke. That is like the most niche reference. I literally had no idea what you were talking about up until you said that. I do feel really justified for why I confused them because May and Maybe are similar and Maybe Fuenke is played by Aaliyah Shauken, just so you know. Maybe Fuenke. Wait, but then also May Whitman. Who's that? She's in this show. She plays Anne. Peggy.

Jackie Mae Whitman is who we're talking about. That's who this story is about. Are you okay? So I was right. She is from A Rest in Bellamy. She plays Anne, like George Michael's little girlfriend. Oh, she doesn't play Mae B? Okay, okay. Okay, I'm telling you, this is very confusing. Remember George Michael's little girlfriend, Anne, who everyone hates? Yes, of course. That's Mae Whitman. She's kind of had an illustrious career. She has. Oh my God, that's really all very confusing. I'm glad we parsed that out.

I feel better. So important to parse, my friends. Before we parse the rest of the show, let me let you know that today's episode is brought to you by ASPCA Pet Health Insurance and their Pet Health Insurance Program. So when you have a pet, you love taking care of them because in their own way, they take care of you. But even if you're the best parent in the world, unpredictable things can happen. And fortunately, you can always give your care a boost with ASPCA Pet Health Insurance. Unfortunately, I feel like this is the type of thing you just have to learn the hard way. I learned it with Theo. I did not have pet insurance for Theo.

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You're welcome. Our fifth and final story is potentially the loseriest news we've ever reported on. Oh my God. I knew like literally category of news that I live for losers. Do you know what this story is?

No. I mean, you know the story, but I don't know if you know that this is the one. James Kennedy is apologizing for posting a photo with the Tate brothers. He says, I condemn their beliefs. So in the last few days. But do you? James Kennedy posted a photo with Andrew and Tristan Tate.

Who are like, I honestly don't know a lot about them, but they're like highly controversial. Like awful people. They're like toxic man, like rape is cool. Like they're really fucking crazy. They're like Romanian. It's just absurd. Like you could look into them, but I'm sure most people have heard of them. They're not, you know.

And let's be real, the Tate brothers, nobody knows the other brother. It's Andrew Tate and his brother. Yeah, but Tristan is the one clapping back at James. This saga is seriously... I don't know, but what event were they at? I don't know where they were. Something in Vegas. James posted a photo of him and both brothers and said, like, this is a Bitcoin, something like that. Okay? Okay.

It must be like some reference from their loser-y ass online persona that I don't know. And he got his ass eaten to him. Like people were like, are you fucking kidding me? Of course he did. So much backlash. So he immediately put out an apology saying, I regret posting a photo with the Tate brothers at an event last night. I was unfamiliar with their content and the allegations against them. I only knew them as podcasters who had posted a viral clip about Vanderpump. He said, I have since educated myself and condemned their beliefs. I am sorry to all that I offended. Okay.

Okay. So when that was the end of it, I was like, listen, you need to do better. But like, you're seriously like James. I don't know what we're looking for when it comes to like James Kennedy. Like these aren't like the smartest people. I was like, okay, you know what? Like I could see that being the reality. Sure. Go off King.

But then Tristan, the brother, responded to James claiming that James, quote, begged and kissed my ass for 30 minutes straight and called me a hero. He knew exactly who I was and what content he made. Then he said that James is just a pussy who can't handle DMs from woke R words. Fuck this guy, he said.

- Okay, I just wanna say, this is so funny. It is the definition of loser on loser crime. And if that is the case,

I bet James Kennedy like never thought like his little internet drama was going to make it back to the Tate brothers and they would be able to like directly refute his, you know, sequence of events. And this is so embarrassing for everyone, but like really for James. This is so embarrassing for James. I, a part of me feels like maybe what Tristan said, like isn't true. And he's just saying that to like really embarrass James. Cause like we don't, we won't know. And maybe I'm not,

to give James the benefit of the doubt that he doesn't love the Tate brothers but I just feel like that's such a funny like mean like thing to do to someone who's now like wanted to take a picture with you and even if he had just seen podcast clips of Vanderpump whatever like oh now you're gonna diss me oh I'll fucking drag you and say this about you even we have no way to know if that's true or not so it's just like he made James look seriously so stupid whether it's true or not true like James is

Is a loser. Is taking the L. And the funny thing is, like, I don't know who to believe, right? I also don't care. Right, no, I don't care. This is so low stakes. Like, loser's gonna lose, and you just love to watch them, like, slinging mud at one another, like...

I bet in no universe did James Kennedy think that like this Bravo corner, because it wasn't like widespread backlash. Like Ariana Maddox unfollowed him. It was very contained within the Bravo universe. And I bet he never thought like it would make its way. Even I'm in the Bravo universe. I didn't see it until Tristan responded. And then it became a story of like the whole story, the photo, the apology and the response. Yeah.

Hysterical. Hysterical stuff. If James was holding out hope to get on the Valley or Vanderpump reboot, it's not going to happen. Yeah. I think he's pissed off absolutely everyone with this entire trajectory. Yeah, from start to finish. Pissed off people who dislike the Tate brothers and now also pissed off people who like the Tate brothers. So that includes everyone. And the Tate brothers themselves. So illusory. Yeah.

All right, let's dive into Dear Toasters, our weekly advice segment, where Jax and I try to help out the swirlies in need. And they are in need. So if you're ever thinking, like, oh, I'm in a pickle. I need to get advice for my two favorite swirlies. You actually can. Every Tuesday, we take three submissions. And if you want to write us in, go to deartoasters at gmail.com. That is the email that you can write to. Or head over to our website, thetoastpodcast.com. There's a little submission box. They're both totally anonymous. Okay, are you ready, kids? I'm ready. Oh, wait, I lost my...

Are you? Doc, okay. Ready? Yeah. Which one was this? Okay, ready? Ready. Hey, are you ready? Ready.

Hey, Jackson Turney. My PJM husband has decided to get braces. He had the initial consultation and the orthodontist gave him two options, real braces or Invisalign. Real braces are slightly more expensive. They will get his teeth almost 100% straight and they will be on for 18 months. Invisalign are cheaper. They will get his teeth about 80% straight and they'll be on for 12 months. Much to my dismay, he wants to go with the more effective option and get a full metal mouth.

Obviously, I'm leaning towards Invisalign. His justification is that he's married, he has no one to impress, and he doesn't really care what people say or think. My justification is that he's married to me. He has me to impress.

And all I care about is what people say and think. To add to all of this, we are very social people. His sister's getting married next year. We both have jobs that require a lot of face time with clients outside the office. Now, if I really take a step back, I do admire how confident he is, but like, can't we show the world our secure sense of self in a different way? Am I being vain, naggy bitch, or am I totally justified in pushing him towards Invisalign? Help. P.S. I'm an OG listener, like first ever episode with the block desks. I love you guys so much. Okay, so many conflicting things here, like actual hypocrisy, I just want to say, because on the one hand, I'm like,

oh go off king I'm married I have no one to impress like I love that for you that you want to look dopey and you don't care but then why does it matter so much too if you fix them 90% versus 80% what's wrong with 80 or 100 I just want to say I'm so with this girl I'm sorry I'm so with this girl too first of all this line is cheaper it's shorter and will fix your teeth 80% what man needs perfectly straight teeth who needs perfect anything 80%

teeth is good like what's do you see it's so true it's good enough like what's with the perfection so for him to be like brazen enough to walk around with braces on calls and it's socializing for 18 months but not brazen enough to walk around with 80 teeth as opposed to 90 it's actually an amazing point contradictory of course he needs to do in this line how

your husband with the braces no I'm sorry and I thought that people did the metal braces because they were cheaper I thought they were cheaper and quicker and it's a short amount of time but like which I kind of get like oh let's just get it over with yes of course it'll be six hard months yeah yeah I thought that's whenever I saw like an adult with full metal braces I thought it was like the more economical and the more effective option um this is giving like a braces fetish

okay they're probably also fine and he just wants braces but I do want to say this girl middle schooler who's like wants their teeth to be bad because they want braces because yes before I push you towards Invisalign even though you're already there I also need you to know Invisalign is is not a perfect experience like watching your partner slip them out of their mouth like between meals is one of the most disgusting things on the planet like having seen like a grown-ass adult take out their Invisalign it's

actually one of the most traumatizing things on the planet. So just be ready for that. It's obviously not nearly as bad as metal mouth full brace face, but just know it's not perfect either. No, but like you guys can come up with solves. Like maybe he knows that when he's doing that, like you'll go wash your hands. Like you don't have to see it. Maybe you're setting the table. Maybe he does it in the bathroom. Like there are ways around it, but it sounds like he wants braces and it's becoming less of a dental issue and more of a mental issue. I love that. Less dental, more mental.

Maybe he needs to see a therapist, not a dentist. Okay, this one's actually serious. So we need to change our vibes. Hold on.

Hello, ladies. This is a long one, so buckle up. Ten years ago, I had a sibling go to prison for sleeping with someone underage. He was a teacher. I was still in high school at the time. For about two years after that, I still supported him, and I attempted to maintain a relationship. Well, some more family drama went down about eight years ago, and I officially cut ties with him. Since then, I've graduated college. I've gotten engaged and married. My parents, who have been divorced for 20 years, keep pushing me to forgive him and try to have a relationship again with him.

He recently had a baby, and for the last year, I've considered not forgetting but willing to try and have a relationship with him for the sake of everyone. My problem is I'm really going back on my morals if I form a relationship with him, and honestly, is it even worth it? The strain on my family is really starting to take a toll on me, and frankly, I feel like an outsider because my family is all happy-go-lucky around him, and I always get the you-should-give-him-another-chance comment. I'm not willing to cut out my parents, so any advice would be great. P.S. My husband's family knows that I have a sibling that I don't talk to, but they do not know why. So...

Go back. He had a relationship with an underage person. He was a teacher and he went to jail for it. Yeah. But did she say jail? Yeah, prison. Yeah.

So even two years after that, like she maintained a relationship with him. She was like a young girl in high school. But then other family dramas, she went, went down. She said, and now she can't. And then she stopped talking to him. But even right after, I mean, he went to prison, like she was able to talk to him. So something else happened that we don't know. I'm sorry. I can't weigh in on this. I don't know. You know what? I also know what I recommend. Hmm.

Kathy Griffin went on the skinny confidential podcast a million years ago. And I saw a clip from it. She was talking about, she had a brother who was a pedophile and like how hard that was for her. Like he was like a full blown pedophile. It was like a big family secret. And you know, her parents like,

were very like not forgiving but like open and wanting to help and she was like very against it and then he ended up taking his own life it's a really crazy story and i think there's probably a lesson there like how she dealt with it because she had this she's coming from like a moral standpoint too she's like yeah well he's my brother but i don't care like you're a pedophile yeah and he was like married at the time i would listen to that podcast episode that's my piece of advice it's not even apples to apples

No, of course not. But like if you have someone in your family who is a criminal, right? And there are different crimes. Like if I had someone in my family who was like a financial criminal, I wouldn't be upset. I would say, help me. But like there are different crimes, right? Want to do my taxes? Please, sir.

So I think that you're not the only person who's ever had a family member who's done something bad. Sometimes you can forgive. Sometimes you can't. Or not even forgive, but just like move forward in a cordial way while never being as close as you could potentially be. I don't know. I just want to say like if you never want to talk to your brother again, like that's fine too.

Like it's nice that your family's like all like rehabilitating him and stuff but like that's not your job and if you don't want to talk to him ever again like I support you too. But the thing is the reason that she doesn't want to talk to him again is not even because of what he did because she spoke to him after so it's about something else that happened. No she said no.

I'm going back on my morals if I form a relationship with him. No, go back to the beginning. I visited him and spoke to him for two years, but then family drama happened and now we don't speak. What's that? Yes, yes. But I think what she was saying was like she was in high school and so she had a brother who did something wrong and she still like was his friend. And then maybe two years later she had some sort of reckoning with this drama and now she has like, takes a moral stance against it. Okay. Well, you gotta trust your gut and go with your scruples, but...

I, to be honest, I don't, I don't know him. I couldn't. Yeah. I recommend Kathy Griffin. Like he's bad. Don't talk to, you know, but like family, it's, it's very complicated. I would listen to Kathy Griffin, but this girl doesn't even have an inkling. Like she's decided she doesn't want to have a relationship with him, but it's like, how does she navigate her family? She now feels like an outsider, which is wrong because the pedophiles should feel like an outsider. Yeah. Not you. That sucks.

Our third and final is such a departure. I should have done that one last because we just need to rejigger. This one's so different, okay? I'm ready. Jackson Claude. Help. I married into a family that thinks farts are funny. My mother-in-law farts around me somewhat regularly and it makes everyone in my husband's family laugh. Not me. It makes me sad and I literally can't find what they think is funny. What do I do? I don't want to seem like a giant bitch and not laugh at her farts, but I wasn't raised in a barn. What?

How do you think I should handle this situation? I'm writing to you as I'm sitting next to my husband who's farting hot fire gas, cracking himself up. Please help. P.S. I just showed him this plea for help and he laughed, got up to go to bed, loudly farted, and then laughed himself back to the bedroom. Chivalry is dead.

Oh my God, I just want to say I am you in this situation so I can really empathize because if- No, but like your in-laws don't like fart in front of you. In the sense that like if I was in your situation, I would feel the way you do. Like I'm not like fart friendly. I just want to say I'm fart friendly and I would feel if my mother-in-law farted in front of me,

I'm sorry. I don't care who you are. Cultural reset. I'm actually very comfortable. Like Ben farts in front of me. I fart in front of Ben. Like I don't care. But like that's a marriage. That's a sacred space. So like that story you told at the end is actually quite funny. The in-laws, no. If I may say, I am coming at this from someone who is not fart friendly. So I empathize with you. And if I were in your situation, I would feel the way you do. But looking at the big picture, like they're having fun, you know? Yeah. And like you're not. They're sitting.

They're laughing. It's like so harmless. The only issue I see potentially arising is that like your children will inherit this and, you know, do this with their half of their family. And like, they'll be these people and good luck getting married. Yeah. Unfortunately, he got married to her. So, yeah, but their spouses won't ever hear their mother-in-law far because you won't do it. So that's better.

Yeah, like do you really want to be like a wet blanket? Because if you wanted to be, you could tell your husband like in a really serious way like this needs to stop when you go to your in-laws. No, but you can't. This is their family tradition. Like you can't. You literally, if you say anything, you will look stupid. It's so juvenile. Like it's insane. You can't say anything. So like at least find the joy in it. Like they're having fun. And also now it's like you don't have to be scared of your mother-in-law. Like you heard her fart. Like that takes the pressure off.

I mean, that's just like a really crazy thing to do. No, it's so crazy, but it's like not in a nefarious, it's not crazy nefarious. It's crazy joyful. Joyful, joyful, Lord, we adore you. You know, at least they're like fun loving people. It's crazy smelly and it's crazy immature. It's wild. But it's not crazy bad. Yeah. I mean, of all the things like your mother-in-law could do and say in front of you, it's really not a big deal. It's better than the in-laws who massage each other.

Correct. Crazy creepy. Crazy creepy. You know those like grids that it's like lawful good, lawful neutral, lawful bad. Like. I have no idea what you're talking about. I'll show you because this is how I'm, this is how I'm measuring these in-law behaviors. Lawful good grid, if I may. Like never heard of this. Yeah. Like I have to find an example. This one is of characters from Marvel. So that wouldn't be good for you.

But you might be able to understand it if I send you this. It's a Harry Potter one, but I think you'll get it. Oh, don't send me anything. I don't have any devices today. My phone's in the other room. Wait, should I bring it up to the screen? We can't communicate. If you really care that much, then yes. May I present it to the class? Okay. Can you understand this? God, this is so stupid. I've never seen this before. We'll talk about it offline. Never seen. But I do think that now we should categorize your toasters as these things. So...

- Yeah. - This is-- - Life isn't perfect, you're gonna have to put up with random things, so if this is something you're putting up with, you're fine. - This is chaotic neutral. - Oh, I like that. - Right? - It's chaotic neutral, yeah. - Yeah, chaotic neutral. - Farts go away, they don't leave lasting damage. - Well, it could get a little smelly, that's the chaos in the neutrality. - Right, but the neutrality is that the smell goes away.

And they're good, joyful people. If everything else is fine, which I assume like if you didn't write in that your mother-in-law wasn't also like a huge bitch, like you're fine. Also, how can your husband fart on command? Also, what are these people eating? Like,

Like obviously farting is super healthy and natural, but like you shouldn't be able to A, do it on command and B, like you can't get together for dinner without farting. Yeah. I'm worried about their gastrointestinal. Maybe when there's a meal where like everyone has the farts. Like we had chili for dinner. Then they just like sit around and fart and laugh. But it's not every meal, right? Yeah.

If I really were looking for major concerns here, my concern would be like the diets and gastrointestinal issues of your in-laws. My concern was how did your husband perfectly comedically time that fart on his way out the door?

Maybe it was just like God was with him in that moment, you know, or he has real issues. He might have like IBS. I'm laughing at him laughing. When I read this email for the first time, I was cracking up. Oh, see, like you're missing out on the fun. Yeah, no, I'm like, I'm having fun. And I'm not even a part of his family. Yeah. Thank you to everyone who wrote into Dear Toasters as always. Just like a fab journey to be on. A joy. Except for the brother. Yeah.

Oh yeah. And what makes you think we would be an expert in that? Like, I think when you're in that type of situation, like you literally have nowhere else to turn. Sometimes it says take an outsider. Yeah. And I did check for an update from our swirlies. Um,

Excuse me, with the husbands who were sending nude photos of them and nothing. Okay, so we figured that because I know that when there is an update, like you will share. So you just brought that up. So you're saying I don't have to keep bringing it up. You don't have to keep bringing it up and like ruining the day and the end of the show. I just want to let you guys know, I am checking. We know. Okay, I feel like the audience is still lazy. If you got an update, you wouldn't even wait till Tuesday to share it. You would share it when you got it. I would, but I really only check on Monday nights.

That's our show, you guys. I have to blow my nose, so I'm not doing this whole long rigmarole. Love ya. Love ya. Bye.