Chapter 6: The Worst Way to Meet an Incredible Group of Women
32:25 Share

If you just found this show, you're going to want to start at episode one. This is the true story of my life. I changed some names and details to protect the innocent. It is marked explicit. Proceed with caution. I believe everyone should have the opportunity to tell their own story. It's the worst way to meet an incredible group of women.

You probably think this story's about you. I'm Brittany Ard. This story is theirs. Once I started connecting with these women, it was very clear that we had a lot of notes to compare and receipts to exchange as we tried to understand who it was that we had been with. I created a private Facebook group that was just the women that I had connected with.

We shared stories and compared notes. I met with some of the women who felt open to talking in person. Some of the women have chosen not to. All of them, including myself, have been scared to have this conversation publicly. The biggest fear for most of the women was that he'll know who it is that's talking. Nobody wants him to reach out to them.

At this point, I've had this conversation 14 times. It never gets easier. And I didn't want to know who had dated him when I dated him, but now I think I'm ready. At that time, I really still wanted to think that I was special. You are very special. I grew up in the Midwest, which I will say that really enjoyed teasing me about quite a bit. And I found that to be charming about him. So he, cause it seemed he really wanted to know a lot about me.

This is Danielle. She's a mom of two, school teacher and all-around badass. Right now I teach first grade, and this is my first year teaching first grade.

I was married for a second time and we are divorced. I did stay at home with my two children and then went back to teaching. Things had gone pretty sour with my ex-husband for quite a while. And he had told me for a long time he was divorcing me. I'm just saying that because letting you know, it was only a matter of months after I moved out on my own with my two children that I decided I just wanted to know if

I was as horrible and annoying and dumb and ugly and fat as my ex-husband thought I was. I was looking for validation when I got on the apps. And I know now, I think I knew then, but the need for validation was stronger then.

than my wisdom for knowing that that was not a good place to be. She's had a couple bad relationships that have left her feeling like she's less than and she's not. Every interaction I've had with her and every time we talk, she continuously shows me how strong she is. I saw an ad for Hinge and

And I downloaded it. A lot of swipe lefts, like no thank yous. A lot of no thank yous. A lot of no thank yous. Yes, a lot of no thank yous. And then when I came across his profile, he seemed so charming, even just from the few things that he said on his post. Those dimples, though. I know. In his main picture. There's like a sparkle in his eye on his profile picture. So he was just...

patient, kind, funny. He never pushed himself on me or at me. And I mean physically, but also verbally. He always seemed to, when we were in conversations, to kind of put things out there. The first thing that he said to me when we were on Hinge and I was going through all of the messages and

And he and I were going back and forth and I knew that I really liked him. I needed to get to bed. So I was getting ready to go to sleep and I was like, well, maybe we can continue this conversation tomorrow. And then I put my phone away, woke up the next morning and his message was,

I really enjoyed our conversation. I'm just going to leave this right here. And he put his phone number. When we first met, I remember seeing him in person for the first time. And I thought, oh my gosh, he looks so much better in person. I offered to go over to his house and cook dinner for him. He seemed to be like a big foodie. And that is how I spoil my men. Typically, I remember it was chicken because he...

He was funny about that. He said, I see you judging me taking a second piece. Like everything he said was funny. I felt validated with, I know it's dumb, but just cooking for him. And like, he was so excited about cooking for him. And I would bring, I would leave leftovers for him and bring him treats. In fact, he still has my casserole dish.

Fun fact number one, all of my bakeware and Tupperware are the results of me not returning it to the original owners. He still has one of my little coolers because I would also take him food and lasagnas and things and drop them off. And I...

Lost that. I'm sure he has a whole collection of random women's dishes in his house. Because same thing, he's always like, oh, I just don't have time to cook or, oh, I'm just eating chicken and rice. He'd send a picture of some lame meal. I also cook for people. It's how I show love.

When you got there, did he tell you you were the second woman to ever come? Oh, yes. Yes. Because that's his famous opening line. He said he told me I was the first woman. And then he corrected himself and said, actually, there's been one other woman and she accused me of being married because I know how to decorate. And I looked around and I said, well, I guess I can see that. But I don't know that I would jump to accusing you of being married simply because you know how to decorate.

I had to slow myself down because when I first met him, I was like, oh, I'm just going to take it easy and get to know him. And then I found myself like grabbing his face and kissing him because I just thought he was so charming and so funny. And I told him, I said, this is embarrassing to say, but I will say it. I told him, I said, you're just so delicious in every way, emotionally, intellectually, physically. I just really, really liked him.

Perfect first date. More than perfect. I went home, like, I was humming all the way home and singing, like, so happy. And yeah, of course he smelled really good. So good.

So good. I used to make him put his cologne on sweatshirts and I would take them. I was like, I just need this smell all the time. Well, apparently he understood that that's something that females enjoy. And so he sent a sweatshirt home with me after he did that because I was like, oh, you smell so good. And he goes, hold on. And he sprayed some stuff on it, sent it home with me. He's like, I want this back. You know, he must have like a room of sweatshirts. He must. Yeah.

You were his penguin. Is that right? Oh, my goodness. Yes. And that was kind of early on where he's like, I think you're my penguin. Like, he just had this huge realization that I was his penguin. And do you know about this? Let me tell you about what penguins, you know, they mate for life. And he just seemed to be so struck by meeting his penguin. And I'm not going to lie where I was.

in life, I was a little terrified. I'm like, I don't want to be anybody's penguin. I'm going to waddle away. Yeah, I still hadn't gotten completely divorced. My ex-husband was fighting me for everything. And thank goodness we didn't have children together. So we didn't have to argue about that. But he was still stalking me at that point. And had even said protective things like, you know, I don't think he's going to want to deal with me. He would say things like that. And I was just a little bit mortified because I didn't want people to know

the where I came from and how sick my relationship was with my ex-husband. I just really wanted it to be over. And now I'm learning it takes years and months and more years of getting over it. But at the same time, if I'm going to be anybody's penguin, it's this guy because he seemed so amazing and perfect and

But I was a little upset that I had met him at this volatile period of my life. But I was also trying to make sure I was open to good things. But then I started seeing the red flags and realizing maybe this isn't as good as I thought it was. He complained first, saying that he wasn't important enough to me.

to make time for him. And then literally only four days later, four or five days later, he said that I was being clingy. So obviously I recognized that as gaslighting, which was my first red flag. We didn't discuss being exclusive. My understanding was that we were, I guess I presumed incorrectly that

I was the only one. He never spoke about anybody else, but he did talk a lot. And so because he spoke a lot about his work and family and his son, he also spoke a lot about a lot about being a twin, about his sister. Kanan had sent Danielle a photo and said that it was him and his grandma and his twin sister. His twin sister who had the same name as his wife.

He sent me the same photo and told me that it was a picture of his grandmother and his stepsister. So on one hand, he would sort of celebrate, oh, I have this sister. She's amazing. We talk all the time. And then the very next moment, he would be telling me, well, I haven't spoken to her in three years or something. I guess he had been arguing with her and had a fight with her and was telling me about how

He didn't agree with what she was doing. And I tried to clarify and he would be flippant about it and dismissive. And because he's so verbally astute, I don't know if there's a better word for that. It's like verbal gymnastics, you know? If you try to pinpoint a truth with him, it felt as if you were attacking him.

Story with me is that he had a brother and a sister-in-law and they had, I think, four girls and they lived in Texas. And same thing, they would have conversations all the time, but then he'd get mad because they kicked him off his Hulu or, you know, things like that. The sister-in-law's name was Tasha. T-A-S-Y-A. And no one spells it like that. No one spells it like that.

When I started talking to Tasha, it was very clear that the sister-in-law that had made his dating profile didn't exist. He had used his ex-girlfriend's name in place of that. My name's Tasha and I dated, I know people call him c**t, but he told me his name was c**t, so I called him c**t.

Kanan's full name is quite a mouthful and he has two first names. He uses one of those names on the app, but once you get to know him, he'll tell you what his real name is. Red Flag. And I dated him from probably 2019 to, I don't know, middle of 2020. Told me that his brother and sister-in-law lived in Texas and like had these kids or whatever.

Her name was Tasha. And he had her Hulu account, right? Yeah. And at one point, did you kick him off? Yeah. There was one time I went over to his house and he was in like a salty mood, not a bad mood, but just he was kind of complaining about how his brother and sister-in-law had kicked him off of Hulu. They told him that he needed to just pay for his own Hulu and like had this whole big like dramatic story and was all butthurt that he

you know his brother had kicked him off of hulu and so when i first saw your name because that's how he spelled it i was like this we went to ikea for our first date he was saying i need to furnish my house and blah blah and i was like where have you gone

He didn't really know. And I said, you live out there and you haven't gone to Ikea? Like, that's literally where you should, like, who doesn't go to Ikea to furnish an apartment, right? And he was like, oh, my God, I've never been to Ikea. But so I was like, oh, my God, it's my most favorite place. I could, like, live there. So he was like, would you be willing to go with me? Sure. Let's go. That sounds fun. Yeah. And so we go. We walk throughout the entire Ikea. We, like, get some stuff.

get some bookshelves and like a dresser and all this stuff. And I had told him that like my favorite pizza was cheese with like a ton of pineapple on it. It was just like, that's just, I'm a weirdo like that. And so we get back to his house and he had ordered my favorite pizza. And I'm thinking, oh my God, that's so sweet. He listened to me. Yeah, he remembered. Like that's such a random thing to remember. We put together a bookshelf.

By we, I mean me. And opened a bottle of wine and, you know, thing led to another. And the next morning, he gives me the gate opener for his gated community and says, I really want you to, like, be able to come whenever you want.

And I'm thinking like, no, I'm OK. I don't really need that. He's like, no, no, no. I want you to have it. And I'm sure you told everybody that no one's come over and blah, blah, blah. I was the second woman that ever was at his house. Oh, according to him? Yeah. Oh. For sure. And I think everyone has been the second woman to ever. Oh. Yeah. Be at his house. So I was the lucky first? Apparently. Oh, thank God for me.

Well, and what ended up happening with you using the gate opener? Oh, the first time I was like, hey, I'm getting my hair done in Bonnie Lake.

I'm going to head over afterwards because I'm like in your area. It's like I live in Seattle. You live way freaking hell out here. But I'm down here. So I might as well like come stop by. And he's like, oh, I'm not home yet. And I said, oh, no big deal. I have the gate opener. And he was like, oh, you know, well, the door isn't unlocked. And, you know, like excuse after excuse. And the next time I saw him, I was like, here's your gate key. I'm not I don't need this.

This episode is brought to you by Experian. Are you paying for subscriptions you don't use but can't find the time or energy to cancel them? Experian could cancel unwanted subscriptions for you, saving you an average of $270 per year and plenty of time. Download the Experian app. Results will vary. Not all subscriptions are eligible. Savings are not guaranteed. Paid membership with connected payment account required.

He's just so dang good looking and charismatic that you kind of are just like, oh, whatever. So I don't feel like I asked enough questions or like dug deep enough. I'm a recovering pessimist, I guess you could say. So I assume if it's too good to be true, it is, which serves me well sometimes, not all the time. I know he has a son.

That plays football because he kept telling me, I really want you to come to one of his games because I have a lot of friends that, you know, played professionally or now train and like all that stuff. Right. So we talk about football all the time. I'm a huge football fan. He'd be like, oh, yeah, I would love for you to come to one of my son's games. And then every time his son would have a home game, I'd be like, I'm down to go. Oh, not this game, not this game. And then I just stopped asking him after the second or third time. He said he had a daughter that he doesn't really have a relationship with.

I would tell him, hey, I don't think it's fair that I'm continuously coming down to see you and you haven't come up to see me. Like, it's been three trips down and no trips up. And he would say, you don't understand. I'm so busy with my kid and blah, blah, blah. And in my head, I'm thinking, your kid lives in ***, bro.

Tell us about the New Year's Eve that you guys spent together. I had told him multiple times, like, this is a big deal to me. Like, this means something to me, right? The first New Year's Eve I have, like, spent with someone I'm dating. The first New Year's Eve kiss I've had with someone I'm dating. And I told him that. This is kind of a big deal. Like, my best friend and her husband are going to come over. It's going to be a low-key New Year's Eve because I'm not, like, a big New Year's Eve person. I just don't care that much. I'm not in my 20s anymore, so I can't, like, party and, you know, pay the $20 cover to

go somewhere that's free 364 days of the year. He kept being kind of wishy-washy in the beginning of like, I think I'm going to make it. I think I'm going to make it. I'm like, if you don't think you're going to make it, just let me know. Because like I told you, this is like something really important to me. It means a lot to me that you're going to come and like spend this time with me. And he went somewhere else first and then came over and he went to his military friend's house first. And he came over about like 930 or 10. My best friend and her husband had never met him before.

He was so great with them and, you know, told them how great I was and how he just didn't know how he was so lucky to meet someone like me just moving to Seattle and

Even my best friend, who has a pretty good radar for like bullshit, was like, I think I really like this guy. We cheers at midnight on my balcony because I overlooked South Lake Union. And, you know, we kissed and he ended up spending the night. I mean, we were hammered. Right. And I was like, I'm so tired. I'm going to bed. So I went to bed before the rest of them. And he sat out there and talked to my best friend and her husband for probably another hour. And she's telling him, hey, be careful with her.

You know, she doesn't open up. She doesn't trust people that much. She's been hurt before. She's been single for basically like 11 years. And he was reassuring her, no, I've, you know, I've never felt this way about someone. And she's telling me this the next day. And I'm like, oh, wow. And this is still early in us like dating, right? And so I'm like, wow, this guy might have potential. Maybe I'll like, you know, really give it a chance. And then the whole like not showing up when he says he's going to, you know, gaslighting when I say why we can't go to dinner happened like,

literally at the end started happening at the end of January. And I'm thinking you went from, I've never felt this way about anybody to, I can't even take you out to dinner. Okay. I'm picking up what you're putting down. All of the women that I've talked to have said, I can't believe I let someone treat me the way he did and behave in some of the ways that I behaved. It was so uncharacteristic for who these women are.

What was your first reaction when you saw his picture pop up in that social media group? I instantly laughed. And I actually screenshotted it and sent it to our group chat of my best friend that was there on New Year's Eve and my other best friend. And I said, about time this dude showed up. And I hadn't read any of the comments yet. So my other friend who is in that group too, right? And so she jumps on and she looks, she goes, have you read the comments? I'm like, oh, no, not yet. So I start reading through and I'm like,

OK, I wasn't crazy. This dude is a piece of shit. Every time I thought I had all the information, something new came up. I mean, I didn't even realize until you had posted that. And then I went back when you I think you reposted it. I've posted it a couple of times. And more people jumped on. I was like, oh, I didn't see this last time. And I'm like, how do you have time for all these people? Yeah.

Because I was more towards the beginning of when he moved here, he hadn't had a chance to like put his feelers out enough. And so when that started happening and he started adding to his collection of women, for me, that's when like the ghosting started and the breaking promises and the gaslighting. And it was a huge shift. Subconsciously, I was like, something feels weird.

But I didn't know at the time. And now looking back, I'm like, oh, I can pinpoint exactly when he was like dating someone new or exactly when he was at another girl's house. Like all these things looking back, you're like, hmm. It's incredible in a very sad way, but it's incredible that he's able to do that and read people like almost instantly. There are many different stories about his wife. What did he tell you about her?

He told me that he was in Atlanta in the military and she had gotten in a car crash and died in Hawaii. And his son was in Hawaii alone, basically. Like, grandparents are there, I think, but his son was basically alone. So he had to get honorably discharged from the military and move back to Hawaii to take care of his son until he graduated. When I think it can't get any crazier...

I worked with people living with specific illness and what I've done for about 15 years now. His son's mother, so his ex-wife, also had that illness. And so she had committed suicide because of her diagnosis. And so he felt really near and dear to his heart because he had a direct relation. And he said something about he felt guilty, like that he didn't do enough to help her. And that's why one of the reasons she might commit suicide. And so he wanted to work with that population as well.

It gets crazier. He told me that he was a Marine in the Middle East, and then he received a phone call that his ex-wife and his son were found in a car that his ex-wife had overdosed, and his son was in the car with her. They rushed them both to the hospital, and she was in a coma for another two to three months.

And then when she passed away, he left the military permanently and moved in with family in Hawaii. And crazier. I have found out that she is still alive and well and not living with that illness. And crazier. You know, I'm so glad his wife was resurrected. I mean, that's just good for the kid. And also, I believe not his ex-wife.

I haven't been able to find any confirmation that they ever got divorced. And so I think that they're still married. Even now, I struggle thinking that that's the same human being who has done all these horrible things. I got out.

Just in time, it would seem because I really I promised myself at the first red flag, I would run for it. I knew when I saw that red flag, I had to break it off with him. And I did not want to. I didn't want to. But I was having this internal argument with myself. And he even said, like, I think you're going to regret this. And I agreed with him. I said, I probably will.

But I just said that I don't think I'm in a good place. And I wanted to believe him. But why? So that's my question. Why? It sounds like so much work. I'm exhausted thinking about all the lies that he tells. It's the worst way to meet an incredible group of women. But the validation is amazing. I think for all of us to realize that we weren't the crazy ones.

After the first six months, I had met enough women and...

Learned enough, it was very apparent that Kanan was a monster. I stopped paying attention to that story. But I was still contacted by women over the following year. It's also really hard when a woman connects with me and she doesn't know the whole story because going through that initial experience with a woman is heartbreaking.

The hardest one was Donna. She contacted me almost a year after I had broken up with Kanan. And Kanan had broken up with her around the same time as me. But he just told her that he loved her, but he needed to focus on other things. And she didn't know until a year later that everything was over.

So she grieved a two and a half year relationship on an entirely different pretense than what was actually happening. My producer has reached out to Kanan several times to get comment from him with no response.

If Kanan was willing to talk, I'd want to know if he understands the long-term effects of his behavior, if he even has a second thought about it. I mean, some of these women aren't ready to put themselves out there again. Sadly, my picker is broken and that's just typically what I choose. So I've chosen not to date. I won't go near the apps anymore because I know that

I'm just wired to choose the kind of guy like who will try to ruin me. So I'm the same way. I've tried to...

change my wording around it because I used to say that my picker was broken, you know, and I choose all of these things. And it's less of that and more of a we attract those types of people because we are such bright lights and, you know, so empathetic towards people. And I think for me anyways, I

give a lot of myself in relationships. And when there's somebody that is returning that and you finally feel seen and you finally feel like somebody is just complimentary and, you know, all of those things. I probably dated like one other person after him for like a little tiny bit. And he started pulling some weird stuff too. I think now I'm like very quick to just be like, I'm out. It's not worth it to me.

I'm fine at home with my cats and being an aunt like that. If that's all I ever am for my lifetime, then that's what it is. But like, especially in this day and age, in this dating atmosphere, it just feels impossible. If I don't see your social media, swipe right on you, do a deep dive on you, you know, and

you don't meet people anymore. So it's like rock and hard place. Like, you know, the meme that's like, I never leave my house, but I figure the perfect man will break in and find me. Like, that's how I feel at this point. You know, like it's going to be some maintenance man who needs to come fix my garbage disposal and we fall madly in love. The joys of dating. Even my pessimism didn't keep me out of it. So no one's safe. Nobody's safe. Kanan's lies and manipulation didn't just affect the people that he dated.

I met with a woman, Sarah, who was his work wife, whose life and career will be forever changed. It was really wonderful. Like I said, we developed a really close friendship. He told me I was the only person he trusted at work. Once I started bringing up concerns about that kind of stuff to him, he turned on me really quick. I never want to have a co-worker ever again because I don't trust people that I work with now.

Thank you.

opening theme by Youth Star and Miscellaneous. If you want to know more about Brit, follow her on social media. You can find her at britney.ard on all platforms. If you like what we're doing, don't forget to hit that follow button wherever you're listening to this podcast right now. And also give us a rate or review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.