Postgame Show: Chris Wittyngham Has Takes
10:49 Share

You're listening to DraftKings Network.

Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. If you're a smoker or dipper looking to make a change, you really only need one reason to do it. But with Zinn Nicotine Pouches, you can find many. Zinn is America's number one nicotine pouch. It's made with only six simple ingredients. There are lots of options when it comes to nicotine satisfaction, but there's only one Zinn. Learn more about Zinn and find your reason to make a change by registering online at zinn.com.

You guys kind of groaned a little bit when Whittingham came in here. I thought I was going to get a whole lot of smiles. Me and Stugatz were thrilled to see him. We gave him vigorous hugs. He came in with material. He's like, I've got stuff in my notes app. There are things he misses about the show. His ability to get off his hot takes. He's got nowhere to put them.

So I was so happy to see him, but that's where he crossed the line. It's like, you want me to do more? You want me to stick around for you? Jesus Christ. An extra 12 minutes of work. Look, he's got goalless that he's doing this project on soccer that has been fun, interesting. It's blown up. Mike does it occasionally. A lot of people are listening to it these days. But you can't put what you have here there. There isn't really room. All I do is talk about soccer 24-7 on the podcast,

on the CBS Sports Golazo Network, on the games that I call. I don't have room for these sorts of rants. Every once in a while, I'll throw it in a group chat, but it doesn't feel the same as getting to expound upon them. I actually have a section of my notes app. It's called Organizing Brain. Of course you do. And I have one that's called Rants. So I have two rants in case anybody wants them. Wait, you just come here to talk to people?

No, I came here to record an episode of Goalless. I actually arrived in Miami to call a game. I'm calling a game on Tuesday. Byron Moody against PSG. I went to rent a car. And I have changed my driver's license. Thank you. Byron Moody against PSG live on Paramount Plus from 3 p.m. on Tuesday. You know the game's in Europe.

Yeah, so I fly from Connecticut to Fort Lauderdale to call the games. That's how things make sense in our world. So I did not have a – I don't have a driver's license on me at this moment in time because I'm shifting from my Florida license to my Connecticut license, easy for me to say, my Connecticut license. So they wouldn't rent me a car. So I had to figure out an Uber situation to get here to record an episode of Goalless. Okay.

It's a long way of getting to. He has a brain organization in his phone and he's got two rants. Just a couple of things. I imagine the pre-show meeting is filled with, oh, here's what I'm thinking about. Here are things that I've noticed in the world. You'd be surprised how little of that there actually is. The pre-show meeting hasn't gotten any better since you left. It's gotten shorter. How did you think you were going to rent a car without a license?

Well, first off... White privilege. Well, to be fair, so I have my passport on me, but I don't have my driver's license. I thought some other form of identification. I thought a receipt that I had that showed I got this driver's license that's yet to arrive. But you're driving a car that's not yours. You don't show a receipt. He was hoping they were a little looser. Basically, all government systems failing would allow the DMV to let him skate on the fact I clearly drive and have a responsible look at me.

What I thought was going to happen was Avis Preferred was just going to give me a QR code, which is generally what happens. They get a QR code, you scan the QR code, and then you go. Probably for the better, though, that I didn't end up driving. So I have to Uber everywhere while I'm here. You were trying to cheat the system, huh? A little bit, yeah. Not cheat the system. Yeah, probably cheat the system. If he walks into the DMV, aren't you assuming just based on looking at him that he's responsible? Yes.

He probably has his affairs in order just generally. I had a folder, which ironically is a Florida Panthers folder that I still have that was like a gift from when I worked in radio like five years ago with basically all of my documents. I keep it on my person at all times. I have a Canadian work permit.

on my person at all times. There's not a person that I could imagine being more stressed about driving around without a license, even just to go to the grocery store, than you. Ten and two, five above the speed limit the entire time. I would be terrified to drive around. You might turn yourself in. Just go straight to... I'd like to go to... Citizens arrest myself, officer. Go from Avis to the police station? That'd be amazing.

I'm picturing him, Kevin Spacey in Seven, falling in the middle of the floor in the police precinct. Tis I, the one who drives without a license. And this is the manager at the rental car place that allowed me to do this. Take my manifesto inside the Florida Panther binder. Yes.

A conscience of guilt driving for three minutes straight to the police station to confess. Also, on my way over here, rolling stop. It felt bad about it. Didn't come to a complete stop. I did not honor the left turn arrow. I apologize. So you have a bit to do? I've got two. That's not a bit. He's got subject matter. He's got opinions. I've got two things. One is...

Has anyone gone to a bathroom and waved the motion sensor soap dispenser and gotten soap out of it? It never works. There's one at like, there's 10 at my job

up at CBS in our building. None of them have soap in it. Every time I go to an airport, they have the motion sensor hand thing. None of them have soap in it. What happened? Was the button a bad system? The button of soap where it dislodges and you get a little bit. Was that a bad system? The motion sensor thing flashed

doesn't work. It's been a failed experiment. We need to go back to the button. We need to go back to a bottle. We need to go back to something. Motion sensor has not worked for years. You flew down to Florida for this? I'm with him on this. Honestly, great take. Weird Seinfeld bit here. How many waves until you punt on it? I'm with him on this. It makes a little...

All of a sudden, I'm reaching for other soap ones. I'm going a couple down. I'm getting the entire sink wet from left to right. None of them have soap. They only work when the guy next to you comes up and gets it perfectly. And you're like, oh, you know the perfect rotation of hands to do this. And they got away from the buttons because, well, you don't want the bacteria there, but you're washing your hands after. You're...

You got the wash that's happening post-button push. And we've got the motion sensor water thing nailed down. It's a great system, but the soap, dreadful. We have a motion sensor garbage here. Unnecessary. You know what works? And it doesn't work. And it doesn't work. I tried to throw some garbage away, and it didn't open. You know what was plenty for me? The foot thing. I push the foot thing down, and it pops up. That's all I need. I don't need it.

This is me every 10 minutes in front of the garbage. Y'all sound old. I'm always touching the button. And you want to talk about bacteria. Yep, I touch that button all the time. Yeah.

So did I. Then I have to go wash my hands and the soap doesn't work. Now where am I at? Woody's right about everything he's saying. We're unclean. Well, I also think this is just Miami and the service industry in general. I feel like other cities are better at this than we are. I'm a Connecticut residence now. I will have you know, Dan. And no better. No better up in Connecticut. It's no better. It's a dreadful system. The soap thing is a failed experiment. Dan, I've seen this and you're going to like this. I've seen that some of those hand sensors are racist.

Like they can pick up on the race of your hand and sometimes work and sometimes don't. Hmm. Huh. Why would you think that I would like that? Just a deep dive. I know you're well read. You like to look into some of these things. You were on that, Dan. I would like that. Oh, Jeremy would like that. What is your second rant, Whittingham? My second rant. I'm a big high noon guy. I'm surprised there wasn't a place for that one on Goalless. So I'm a big high noon guy.

And I feel like... Breaks down all the goals. Checks out. We can all agree that the best high noon flavor is watermelon, right? By far the best high noon flavor. You can't find it. Anytime you go to a liquor store, anytime you go to a pub, they don't have high noon. And here's what I've... I've asked questions. I've gone into the bars and been like, hey...

Where's the watermelon? Why do you have lime, lemon, black cherry, pineapple, all the other flavors of High Noon except for the best one? The one is very clearly the best-selling version of this product that you have. Why wouldn't you want it stocked? And apparently, what I've been told is, is that High Noon gets distributed in variety packs. And so watermelon is the best-selling, but they saddle it.

with the worst selling flavors of high noon. - To drive sales. - Right, right. - Mango for the bad flavors. - Right, for me it would be black cherry, it tastes like cough medicine. But they saddle it with the worst flavors and so bars don't want watermelon because they gotta take all the other shit that comes with it. And here's what I'm saying to the great people of high noon who make a wonderful product.

Just let watermelon thrive. As a matter of fact, stop making other flavors because watermelon is the only one that people seem to like. Don't staple it onto the bad ones, especially. I want to be able to, and I'm telling you, I go around all of Stanford, Connecticut.

Do you have high noon watermelon? Please, sir. I'm a man in a desert crawling on his hands and knees looking for some water. Let me get that hard stuff. And I just want... Give me a double. I just want some high noon watermelon at a bar. There's probably 10 bars near me. Eight of them don't have it. They have high noon, but they don't have watermelon. Guys!

If it's this good selling, just make the product that everyone likes and stop saddling it with the shit. Sir, this is an Olive Garden. Isn't that Portnoy's drink? Isn't High Noon's? Yes, it's most certainly not Miller Lights. That'd be Topo Chico, which I actually favor. Fantastic. That one's the best.

Are we not allowed to do observational humor about other forms of alcohol? Does that stop us? You haven't been here in a while. I do have Woody trying to say Connecticut. Let's see what we've got there. Connecticut. Wow. Yes. Connecticut. Yes, we missed a polished professional broadcaster. Welcome back. I mean, I woke up at 3 a.m. for a flight this morning. Crank it up the excuse machine. Crank it up. It's going to be terrible. Crank it up. Connecticut. Connecticut.

You guys have never mispronounced a word. Woody, I have been meaning to ask you, how do you say good words but get Dan to like you? Not be so aggressive with them. Dan likes them? Fair. Connecticut.

Howdy folks, it's Mike making this podcast time Miller time. That's right, Miller Lite makes all the great times even better. Why? Dependability, for one. Great taste, less filling, you know exactly what you get. Everybody's going to be happy because they're going to be drinking on a beer that tastes like beer. Can you imagine it? A taste that you know that you can depend on. No games, no gimmicks, just great beer for people who like beer.

And that is immense come this holiday season. Say you're hosting or you're going over to a holiday party. What do you bring with you? A 12-pack of the Miller Lights. Beautiful color, wonderful white cans. This incredible flavor that you know only Miller Lights can deliver you. And at just 96 calories and 3.2 grams of carbs per 12 ounces...

Miller time is always a good time. Making memories at your year-end gatherings? Tastes like Miller time. Go to MillerLite.com slash Dan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Tastes like Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Fewer calories and carbs than premium regular beer.