Hour 2: Jolly Old Saint Dick
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This is the Dan Levitar Show with the Stugatz Podcast. ♪

That's right. It's Thursday Thunder, and it's brought to you by our friends at DraftKings. Stay tuned because you'll hear all about DraftKings and all it has to offer throughout the show. DraftKings, the crown is yours. Tony, what do we got? Dano, tonight we've got a true Thursday Thunder. It's cold. It's cold. It's cold.

Thank you. That didn't feel like a true Thursday Thunder. That sounded like fake thunder to me. That was fake thunder. This is real thunder. This sounded real to me. No, no, this is real. All right. So the four-pick parlay went so well last time that we're going to go back to the well in hopes for a different result. Four-pick parlay tonight for Thursday night football.

This was put together by Mike Ryan, by the way, because I'm an over guy. I'm not an under guy. I don't like being the under guy, Dan. I'm the over guy. Nobody likes being the under guy. Mike Ryan has under 37 as the first leg. 37 is not a lot of points. Good God. That's very low. It's a very low score. I don't hate that, though. Steelers defense, damn good.

Second leg, Cleveland Browns plus seven and a half. So you're telling me that we are going tonight to Flanagan's to have a watch party. And Flanagan's, I warn you, we bring a lot of people with us wherever we go. Be ready for what it is that we're bringing your way. We're bringing your way less than 37 points. A football game with less than 37 points. Just start cooking the rib rolls now. Yeah, but I have 20 of them. Yeah.

So Cleveland Browns plus seven and a half. That's the second leg. Next one, over half of an interception for Jameis Winston tonight. Money in the bank. Half. I'm going to put my entire, my daughter's entire college fund into that tonight. Last leg, under three and a half total touchdowns for both teams. So that's under 37.

Cleveland Browns plus 7.5. Over half an interception for Jameis Winston. Under 3.5 total touchdowns for both teams gives you a plus 400 parlay. Jessica, why are you making the stink face at Tony? What don't you like about what he's saying? It's fine. It's Mike's, not mine. I know. I'm not making the stink face at Tony. I think that you're putting...

not a lot of faith in the Steelers' offense. But the other side of that is it's Thursday night after a big divisional game on Sunday, and the Steelers on Thursday night in divisional games have historically just not been very good. So I think the reasoning, I see both sides of the reasoning there, but I'm hoping that the Steelers score 40 points and win in a blowout and hit all of the overs. Wow.

So you're actively rooting against the parlay? I think that happens every week. We root against each other's picks and against the spread in Thursday Thunder. Real piece of shit. Me? Yeah. Joel Embiid. Okay, man. Are we in this together or not?

Not a real one. It's Mike's parlay. I just said I think his reasoning is I understand where he's coming from. The Steelers on Thursday night. You hope they score 40 in a blowout. She sees bullshark. Yeah, because I'm a Steelers fan. I'm not going to lie. Do you think I should lie to our audience and say, yeah, I hope...

I hope the Steelers don't score more than two touchdowns. You should hope the Steelers win. Why do you care whether they score 40 or 4? If they win 4-0, you'd be happy, right? The more points they score, the more likely they are to win. 4-0 would be amazing. Two safeties, and then they win. Wouldn't you be happy? Yeah, I would be happy. I would be very happy. And then we also win the parlay. Everyone would be so mad if the Steelers won a game without kicking a field goal or scoring a touchdown. It would be the funniest thing that's ever happened. It'd be another notch on his belt, Mike Tomlin. Yeah, it would be awesome.

All right, I'm rooting for that. There you go. 4-0 Steelers. That's what I'm rooting for tonight. That's how you build culture. If tonight's game ends 4-0, Dan will pay for the tab for the entire bar. Yes. Yes. Dan. That's fine. Everybody put their phones in the middle of the table here. I want everybody's phones because Jessica's a real piece of shit. I want everybody's phones right here. Nothing to hide. Here we go. In the middle. Hubie Brown is...

in the middle of his final season it has been announced uh again everybody put your phones right here everybody i don't have a phone i don't have a phone don't worry uh everybody you can see how willing but you can see the guilty ones by how willing they are to do this yes i also just saw how uh my leadership style is just the first time is always ignored and then i have to ask several times i just talked to you guys

about that in the meeting before the show. Like, I don't know why you guys make me ask for things several times. You guys, it's just the opposite of what running a business is supposed to work like, but you guys always make me ask for things multiple times. Hubie Brown, at 91 years old, is one of the rare people

who is actually getting an ending that has some grace on it. Retiring at 91 years old, I hope he gets all of the applause that he deserves as somebody who has been a distinguished voice for what it is that Amin is talking about, saying the NBA needs more of it in marketing and otherwise, which is just someone who's joyful about it.

about the game. Someone who loves what they're watching as opposed to giving you what Jeff Van Gundy made the league so mad about because he wasn't just always giving you positivity and joy about the game even though obviously he loves the game. I mean, a man's been doing that for 52 years. 5'2".

I've seen this before on social media where they trace the beginnings of basketball that Hubie Brown has ties to all of basketball. Basically the entirety of the NBA and beyond. Obviously he wasn't around when Dr. Naismith created the game. Yes, he was. The good doctor. Yes, he was. He knew him before he was a doctor, before he got his doctorate.

When he was just Jimmy Naysmith. Yes, he was a geek. A ne'er-do-well. He did. He called him Jimmy when they were rollicking throughout the 19 or the whatever, the 1800s, whenever it was. Jimmy, what are you doing with that peach basket, man? Jimmy's crazy. He knew Jimmy when Jimmy used the peach basket for peaches. Boy.

Before he was using it as the basket. I appreciate the fake laugh there. I miss it from Stu Goss. Thank you. Snoop Dogg has revealed that Stevie Wonder FaceTimes him.

Closer to a real laugh. I'll get you to real laugh. Put up the video please of Jay Leno. Jay Leno's face. Jay Leno again had an incredible old man injury. He fell down a hill. His entire left side is purple, black and blue. It wasn't a hill. It was more like a cliff.

And the most shocking detail in that story was that he was staying in a Hampton Inn 30 miles outside of Pittsburgh. And when I read the story the first time, I legitimately thought that it said Hamptons, that he fell down a hill in the Hamptons, which would make more sense to me than him falling down a hill in...

In outside of a Hampton Inn in Pittsburgh, I really don't understand how it is that Jay Leno is still on the comedy club grind of going to Pittsburgh for any reason to perform. Well, Dan, we have several updates on this story. Update number one comes as a character testimony comes from one Brad Williams.

who, when we said, why would this guy who's with all this money be doing the chitlin' circuit, pretty much, hitting up small comedy clubs on the circuit, and he said, this is according to Brad Williams, he's just wired that way. He's a strange guy. All he wants to do is do stand-up and mess around with his cars, pretty much. And so, like, the trappings of fame don't appeal to Jay Leno. So that would say, okay, makes sense. But,

We got another update. This is courtesy of Billy Gill, courtesy of Pete Sirianni. Remember him back at ESPN Radio? Courtesy of the Pittsburgh Tribune, where it turns out neither employees at the Hampton Inn nor Dino's, the restaurant that was at the bottom of the hill...

remember seeing Jay Leno at any moment this last weekend. What? That's weird. Right. And then we get a third update courtesy of Jeremy Taché. Well, I don't have my phone, so I don't have all the details with me at this point. But there was a fan of the show who DM'd me on Instagram and said that their parents have a place 15 minutes away from that Hampton Inn. Sent me a picture of...

Google Maps of the reported giant hill that Jay Leno fell down. And let me tell you, Dan, not a very large hill. Not at all. I saw the picture. So we're questioning the story. I'm telling you, we're going back to our theory from yesterday. Again, hit the Reckless Speculation sounder for those who missed it. Time to throw away all journalistic credibility and get reckless. Here is something we like to call reckless speculation. You're good. Unpaid gambling debts.

You can't do that. That is really reckless. You can't do that. We played the reckless speculation. He's good. No, but Stugatz wasn't here to say that it's good. Roy said it. I just said it. No, but Stugatz has to say it. It's not the same as Roy saying it. What does that mean? He's next door. I can go get him. Stugatz is the authority on giving us the ability to do things that are flammable, illegal, and potentially libelous.

Stugatz, I'm gonna talk it to Chris Simms right now, but I kinda feel like this is one of those times, oh, he's texting. Stugatz is the leak, first of all, number one.

I think if he would agree to interrupt his interview for just a second, just to give us the clearance. Do I have your permission, Dan? No, I don't want to keep doing this. We're okay. We need to move away from you saying that Jay Leno is purple because he's got unpaid gambling debt. I'm just saying. That is a nasty fall. So first of all, I need Jeremy to get his phone back because I want to know what part of Pittsburgh this was in. Because Pittsburgh as a whole, if you've ever been, extremely hilly. My grandparents...

house that they lived in for a hundred years in Pittsburgh actually had like it was built on a hill everything's built like it's the Shire everything's built into a hill in Pittsburgh and they had a hill in their backyard and we would go hiking around there and like these little hills all the time in Pittsburgh and I've fallen down a hill in Pittsburgh before I took a nasty tumble it wasn't crap exactly it wasn't quite as bad as Jay Leno's but I'm just plausible there's a lot of very uh

You would be shocked by how steep some of the, even the smaller hills in Pittsburgh are. There's rocks, there's debris, there's trees, there's roots. - Jessica, I hear you. I appreciate your perspective. Two things, number one, this wasn't Pittsburgh. This is 30 minutes outside of Pittsburgh. - Still hilly. - Number two. - Number two, I'm a huge piece of shit, but go on. - Still hilly. - A real piece of shit. - Not a huge piece of shit. - It's a small piece of shit. It's not a huge piece of shit. It's a real piece of shit.

Number three, I've been seen to the hill. Jeremy showed it to me. I want to see it. Why didn't you send it to me? Is this the Hampton Inn by the airport? It's 30 minutes outside of Pittsburgh is how it was reported. I'm a little skeptical about it. I just saw the video of him pulling up the eyepatch and one side of his face looks like Phantom of the Opera with the whole side absolutely bruised.

Do you fall down a hill just on one side the whole way down? Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. No rolling. Do you roll? Do things fly up? Do you hit certain places? Dan, it can't be that the right or left side of his face just went all the way down the hill. Well, but his right, he's got broken appendages on his right hand. I also ask you to look up for me and help me with this because Jimmy Fallon has showed up a couple of times on the Tonight Show where he's just injured.

where he's got something that happened to him. He also does some falling down on occasion, has a history of it. I don't know what it is with these Tonight Show hosts. I wonder what it is. What is the reporting on Jimmy Fallon that you can get? I think, and I will confirm it here in a moment, but I believe what he explained was

the hand injury to be was that he had dropped his wedding ring down a sink and went to go grab it and destroyed his finger or something like that. I'll confirm those details. Hold on a second. Time to throw away all journalistic credibility and get reckless. Here is something we like to call reckless speculation. So good. Somehow I believe it.

I got whispered something in my ear that made me a lot less reckless. It appears that Jay Leno was in Greensburg, Pennsylvania, which is not far from Latrobe, where the Steelers have their fall camp. Very hilly around there. Also, not far from Johnstown. Have you guys ever read David McCullough's epic about the Johnstown flood? Great book. Have I? It is excellent. But there's a lot of hills in that area, Dan. Fall camp?

Yeah, like their training camp at St. Vincent's in Latrobe. Falling. Jimmy Fallon fell on a rug and tried to catch himself on a counter where his finger then got stuck on the counter and was basically ripped apart. We've all been there. Sounds plausible. Dan, here's the other thing about Jay Leno. If we could bring up his picture one more time. Jay Leno with the eye patch off, please cue it up. You know what he looks like?

Looks like Harvey Dent. Yeah, Two-Face. Two-Face. Which gives us back to Batman Forever on Cinephile this week, whenever we get podcasts. It does look a little bit like makeup because he is so purple, and I don't know that I've seen a human being quite that purple before. Johnstown, also near Altoona. Altoona is famous for the railroad track that goes around a curve. If you ever need...

something soothing to watch late at night. YouTube.com Altoona Curve. It's also a minor league baseball team. The oldest roller coaster in the world, I believe, is in Altoona. Is it? It's wooden. It's still operational. My cousins have ridden on it. I've never been on it. But the railroad, the

The train goes around this curve. It's like a horseshoe. It's wonderful. You're just full of delight. There it is. There it is. That's the curve. Put it on the poll, please, at Levitard Show. Is Altoona famous for a train track that goes around a curve? Because I did not know that that was a...

Okay. Curve, thank you for the correction. I did not know that that was something that I'll... I didn't realize that we were going to land in a Pittsburgh adjacent wheelhouse where Jessica couldn't find enough things that she's interested in. I'm just saying, if something's going to happen in Western PA, it's going to be an old guy falling. It's very plausible.

Howdy, loyal listeners. It's Mike Ryan, and we're getting pretty close to wishing folks happy holidays. I'm sure many of you are already in the planning stages of opening up your homes and hosting holiday gift events. It can be stressful. Everyone's got an opinion. So why don't you make life easy for yourself? Make everybody happy and

and give them the gift of Miller Time. That's right. Present to them a beer that actually tastes like beer. A beer that'll generate such good holiday vibes that you'll know exactly right away you made the right call with that beautiful white can. Oh, what a logo. That sparkling white label. As soon as you hold it in your hand, you know right away Miller Time is the best time. And it's got a taste that you can depend on. It doesn't just look great, folks. It tastes great. No games, no gimmicks. Just great beer for people who like beer. Miller Lite is brewed for taste.

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Can you guys get me? Speaking of things that I have mentioned several times that I want that I do not get because I have to mention things several times around here and do not get them. The gas bag of the week, please. Do we have a gas bag of the week that I've been requesting here for a long time? We do. We have a fun one and it's,

the jets fans, not happy with sauce Gardner right now. It's been a long time since he's even had an interception. Uh, Brandon tyranny is a host for WFAN and you know, sauce Gardner has been playing golf. He's not tackling people. He's a small jets fans, not happy. And Brandon tyranny is speaking to that about sauce Gardner. Hey sauce, a little chillier today out here in the, uh, in the New Jersey, New York area. I get that, but I'm sure you can still squeeze in a few more rounds of golf. Uh,

uh looking at the 10-day weather forecast so feel free to go out there and you know work on that lob wedge and those leg pots and those five irons and little knockdown shots whatever you do and while you're at it how about you mix in a protein shake and hit a weight i mean that that's it which you know what he i'm not calling him sauce anymore ahmed gardner is officially back to being ahmed gardner you don't deserve it you can't tackle for damn

Gas bag of the week. Dan, it's hard for me not to take a victory lap. There are so many things. You know, when I'm dead and gone, I'm going to be up in heaven. I'm going to look down on the sports media landscape and I'm going to see so many things. That's me. Y'all do this because of me. Patino game. People not walking. They do that because of me. Calling guys by their real names as opposed to nicknames. You're doing that because of me. Lou.

Look at me, Louie. - You invented that. - I created all of these cultural touchstones of how we talk about sports. Do I get a thank you? No, instead I get snitches and I gotta collect phones here. That's what I get. - Well, thank you. Thank you for being a content creator and inventor. Thank you for being a star MetalArk employee who is perpetually doing good work. - And I love my sponsors too. - Can you get me the stat of the day please as well, Chris?

Start of the day, start of the day, it is the start of the day. Start of the day, start of the day, it is the start of the day. Start of the day, start of the day, it is the start of the day. Start of the day, start of the day, it is the start of the day.

Sauce Gardner, who was being talked about last year as the best cornerback in the game, has gone 35 straight games without an interception. I legitimately didn't know he had played 35.

games. 375 different NFL players have intercepted a pass since Gardner's last pick. He is allegedly addicted to golf. And so a lot of people that are mad at the Jets and mad at Sauce Gardner for not being very good anymore. And I thought he was great last year. I am confused by why he's not good or blaming it on this quote unquote golf addiction. How do you

pursue that addiction when the weather is terrible? Because it's cold now. You can't hit the links in New York. So how exactly do they think it is impacting him right now? People play golf year-round in a lot of places, even when it's cold. Yeah, some courses stay open. New York also, it doesn't get that cold there anymore. It's warm now. It just doesn't. Look, I'm not an expert cornerback analyst, but I am

wondering, like, we used to give Nnamdi Asamoah all this credit for not intercepting the ball because they wouldn't throw his way. Sauce Gardner, reputationally, is one of the best corners, so is there not a chance that at least for a portion of this time, it was because people were avoiding throwing at him? You haven't been watching Jets games, that's what it is. No, I clearly haven't. I have not. He has been lost every play. Lost to the Sauce?

We're going to ask Mina Kimes about this in a little bit. She's going to be on with us. And I'm not going to talk to her about some of the news that broke yesterday in the New York Post, but I do wonder how the rest of you experienced that news.

Around the Horn, it's now being reported, is going to be gone after 23 years. An amazing run for a show that now becomes, in the new ESPN...

Less important, I imagine, that they'll just fill it with football, that football is just going to be everywhere. Gambling. I would imagine. I don't know anything here. So I am Mike Greenberg. I don't know anything. I'm not reporting any facts. You haven't spoken to anybody either. But I do know that it is ending and that the reports are true. And I am...

Made sad by this as someone who saw so many of the people that we care about come through to the spotlight of media fame and voice through that show, whether it is Pablo Torre or Bomani Jones or Tony Reale or Mina Kimes. It was a place where voices have been developed. And the original incarnation of that show was with Max Kellerman.

Max Kellerman overplayed his hand and they went down the hall and got somebody who was interning at PTI to host the show. And the advice that Tony Reale was given about 20 plus years ago was just keep your head down. Don't ask for payment. Don't say anything. They'll forget. Just keep hosting.

Just keep hosting. And a 20 year career was born out of somebody was down the hall and he was great at that show and made everyone around him enjoy that show. Made people feel special, created a sense of family and community around that show. And here you see a photo of Stugatz who appeared on that show a handful times.

of times and... - It's like a drowned rat. - Enjoyed that show. That is a cleaned up Stugatz. - That's cleaned up? - That is very clean. - That's Stugatz? - That's as clean as you will ever see Stugatz. Stugatz didn't dress that well for my wedding where he was next door brushing his teeth and changing his sneakers on a lawn next door. - Oh man, I saw him. Stugatz, I know we've told this story before but it is a classic Stugatz story. Stugatz showed up late to Dan's wedding

And I saw him get out of the Uber brushing his teeth as he approached. He had a button-up shirt, jeans, sneakers, and a baseball cap on. Took the cap off, though. Out of respect for you, Dan. You guys feel any kind of way about this or just another program that's gone? I'm miserable about it. It's 2023 years. This was in part what sparked what I...

My passion for wanting to do this was this show. I wanted to be Tony Reale. I still kind of want to be Tony Reale. Who doesn't? That show was so entertaining. It brought in so many voices and allowed you to hear a whole bunch of different perspectives without...

what first take has become which is just like truly screaming at each other because Reali did such an incredible job of keeping it as organized chaos and now I'm also biased I interned with them and so I know the production crew and the family environment that you talk about Dan like it's

It is so fostered through that group and through like the joy that they bring into that studio every day. And it comes through your television. And this, this is a staple of all of our childhoods and all of what sports media has been for the last two decades. So to see it go away is I'm,

really really heartbroken about it it's a shift I mean away and this is going to keep happening more and more in content it's a shift away from journalists to more former athletes so really quick one of the things that was special about that show was it was a time when sports media was not monolithic

there was an accusation of East Coast bias. So this show was designed to have Kalashaw in Dallas and Blackstone in Chicago and all these people were representing different perspectives from around the country of these sports stories. One of the things that's happened because of Twitter and social media is this groupthink where you don't even have a diversity of opinion, journalism or not, across many of these topics that's based geographically. It's just you've got to find the people who are just

a little bit out there. If you do not know the history of this, and the history of this will get lost in whatever it is the evolution of sports media is, but there was a time that ESPN didn't actually have a weighty sports credibility. So what they did is

They went and bought a bunch of sports writers and just by being able to put behind them Chicago Tribune, Dallas Morning News, L.A. Times, the words borrowed newspaper credibility. Sports watching. And then finished, terminated newspapers.

Those things sports sections were not able to endure that the only one who sat that out was the New York Times They would not allow their sports writers to be shared by ESPN because they saw what ESPN was doing in Grabbing all of the writers like me I was never on around the horn But they were grabbing a bunch of people to keep them to buy them to purchase them so that they could have the credibility and then what ended up happening is

They outlived the relevance of many of those newspapers by buying their star columnists and using that credibility to give them a coast-to-coast appeal before they could authentically be known as not the worldwide leader, but the leader in America because they had a bunch of people from all over the country. And they were just buying the credibility of the newsroom so that they—

even matter what any of those people were saying. It just mattered that you were able to put a newsroom behind you that said Chicago Tribune, LA Times, and all of that stuff. Denver. Dan, were you too good for Around the Horn? Why weren't you on Around the Horn? He did PTI. I was doing Pardon the Interruption, and I don't think they ever invited me to do Around the Horn. That's why it got cancelled.

Never got invited to Around the Horn. Everyone's like, why don't you ever do Around the Horn? They never asked. But I would have said no if they had. Me too. The most wonderful time of the year is just about here.

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Did you get lost on the way to Home Depot today, Dan? Like, what's going on with you?

Get his ass, Mina. Stugatz. You look like you're about to ask me to check the oil on my car. Get him. Or come over and look around and point things in my house that need to be fixed. This is the Dan Levatard Show with the Stugatz.

We have missed her, this delightful fountain of football information. Mina Kimes is back with us. Before we get to her and rushing through all the football information we can give you, I want to congratulate Adam and Jess as our Miller Lite winners of our contest. Adam and Jess, come on in here. You can stand in the back of the room awkwardly during the segment. You can be applauded by Mina Kimes here. You can just come out here. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Put them in the back of the room. Get them to sit or stand in the shipping container. Let's have them be a part of what it is that we're doing here, however awkwardly that is, because we are always grateful for our best customers. Yeah, it doesn't seem like they want to be with us. I think it's just the general hygiene of Chris Cody. I'm not totally sure. David Sampson didn't want to be touched by him. You can make all the faces you want, Jeremy. David Sampson did not want to be touched by him. David Sampson. I know, but I'm just telling you that

It may be that Adam and Jess don't want to be that close to Chris Cody. Mina Kimes is a really great source of football information in her podcast, which actually stars her dog Lenny, is something you should be listening to. I do have a question for Mina that's not football related. Mina?

Can you leave food unattended in your house or does your dog devour it? Because right now we have lunch out there and I grabbed a quick bite and I was going to leave the rest until after we talked to you. But then Jess's dog is around and I didn't trust my food to sit out on the table without Jess's dog attacking it. So I wondered if Lenny's the same way. Does he just attack any food indiscriminately if it's left out?

Yeah, he's the same way. We have to put if I have any food, not even like unpackaged food, packaged food, it has to be on a counter high enough for him to not get to. We have had some disasters in the past. Gifts of chocolate left on credenza's emergency trips to the veterinarian because of his absolutely insatiable appetite. You know, have you ever taken Lenny to get his picture with Santa Claus? We did. Yeah.

Obviously before I had a child, an actual child. I think it was about five years ago in New York. I have the picture somewhere if you guys want to see it. I do want to see it, but I had a bit of an incident. Willow and I went to get her picture taken with Santa a few weeks ago, and...

No, Willow did not bite Santa. I went on the website to look at the photo after it had been uploaded and I scrolled through about 200 pictures of a man dressed up as Santa

holding people's pets while you could clearly see the outline of his balls in every single picture. The man or the pets? The man's balls were front and center. I think the photographer was crotch height for all of these pictures. And as I scrolled through, all I could see was this man's ball sack inside his red pants.

Now I want to see it. I will show it to you. I don't want to put it on screen. Dan's been begging me. He's like, please send it to the video team. I feel bad because this man's identity will be revealed if that happens. Is it like thumbprints? It's balls. It is balls. I didn't think. I've got to be honest. Put it on the poll here. Did you think that Santa had balls?

Because I really thought he was without genitalia. I thought Mrs. Claus had him. Mrs. Claus? Yeah, what are we doing? Poor Mrs. Claus. I know, but I thought of him as more of like a doll. I don't think of him as having genitalia. Certainly not genitalia that would be imprinted by tight pants. You don't think he has jingle bells? Let me take this picture for a walk. Goo!

- Man, that's nuts. - Wait, so Dan, are you like thinking of Santa like he's like the Pope? Not that the Pope doesn't have him, but is there like a vow of chastity involved in being Santa Claus? 'Cause Santa, they don't have kids, right? The elves aren't their actual children.

I don't think of Santa and Mrs. Claus ever having sex. I don't think of him as a sexual or sensual being of any kind. I also don't think of him as a bathroom user in any way. So I don't know about the rest of you, but I legitimately, before this moment, had never thought about the genitalia of Santa. It's the first time I've ever done that. You've got Santa eating milk and cookies every...

Every single household and never having to go he's got like a colostomy bag or something look if he can make it around the world and give every child a toy certainly he has some sort of tricks up his sleeves about how it is that he does or doesn't use his genitalia like if he's able to do the original magic act how much further am I willing to suspend disbelief on all the things that he can do that are not

or are superhuman. - So we've seen the pictures of Jess's Santa. It's not a traditional Santa, it's a Miami-fied Santa. - Wearing shorts. - He's wearing shorts and he's wearing like a Hawaiian shirt kind of thing. - Wait a minute. - So it's not the full Santa Claus garb. - We sent it to Mina, let's get her reaction.

Are you guys sharing these? No. Would you like me to graphically describe what I'm hearing? I feel bad for this guy because he probably got the link to and looked at it and was like, oh, Jesus Christ. It looks kind of like the Chris Jones combine. The famous Chris Jones. You guys remember that moment? God, I look at.

Looks like he's got a whole thing of mistletoe stuffed in there. I mean, we are talking... He's smuggling grapes. God. Yeah. Wait a minute. You have not described it. It's just God, Jesus, yeah. Oh, no, I got it. You said you were going to describe it. You're a writer. We don't have the video of this, and here you are telling us that you're going to describe it, so you've got to give us the description now. All right. Well, it's a very...

clearly skimpy tight pair of red shorts that this man is wearing. And what you are seeing looks like someone literally took like a thing of jingle bells and just put them behind some red cloth. Yes. About the size of two limes, maybe just trying to be the audience. Thank you. No, this is wild about this. So Jess is like,

This is every photo. There's no photo and no pet parent received a photo or actual parent that doesn't have this based on the image I'm seeing. It's not just like he was in the wrong position at the wrong time for your dog.

This man corrupted an entire day of people's lives. Yes, Nina, every single picture had this man's balls in it except for Willow's. Oh, really? Willow's, for some reason, the photographer shot it upwards and cropped out his lower half. So her picture actually turned out really nice. No balls in her picture. Every other single picture, balls. How did the photographer not intervene at some point? I don't know. I wish someone had. I wish I could go back in time and be like,

His balls. The photographer didn't have any balls? What kind of limes are we talking about? Because limes vary in size. Like the kind that you cut in half to like salt, you know, like when you're making like a margarita and you're just squeezing a little bit of lime. Not like fully mature. I can't believe I'm describing this in such vivid detail. Lime might have been...

You know, like the little ones, the cheap ones that are kind of hard at the grocery store that come in a bag. For the listening audience. Not like Florida fancy limes. I guess that is a distinction for you guys locally. For the listening audience, everything that Mina is saying right now is all while she's staring at her phone. She's just staring at this photo. Hasn't taken her eyes off of them, and I love the description. It really is delightful.

of not mature limes because now you've opened up a bunch of questions that I have about everything that's happening here and your face opens up even more because you are studying these limes the way that I imagine a scared SAT student would take a test on a question that he or she does not understand. You're really investigating the not mature limes. I just care about your audio audience.

I'm not just here for YouTube. I'm not just here to make funny faces. I wanna make sure they get a full visual picture of what we are all looking at. And it is very graphic. - There is comedic brilliance, Mina, in the way you held your phone up and then turned it into portrait mode to see it from a different angle. It was so damn funny.

If I may, I think it may be a ball and a penis and not two balls. I think it's a ball. Jess, let me see again. I'm going to look at it now, too. Jessica sent it to me. Mina, what do you think of Jessica's accusation there that is not two limes? Indeed, it is one lime and a hot dog.

I could see that. Yeah, I could see that with the positioning of it and the slight difference in shape of the two lumps. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah, wait a minute. That's the head of a penis there. That is absolutely the head of a penis. Clearly cut. I mean, that is two balls in a Luther head. That is the Ball brothers and their father.

When you texted me, let's talk about Santa balls, I really didn't think, I thought it was going to be like a football-based Christmas thing or something, not just literal balls. I gotta be honest, the fact that this is so distracting has taken away from, this is a hell of a Santa from the shoulders up. Like, this is...

I didn't even notice what a good Santa. This is a great Santa. I would believe in this as a Santa, but you can't go Hawaiian shirt and red shorts as a Santa. No, he looked great. Great hair and makeup, too. It almost looks like a real beard. I think it is real.

That's crazy. This may be, Mina, really quick, because I have connections around Miami, obviously. Of course. If this Santa is the Santa that I'm thinking of, this is something that he does around Christmas time, and he leans into the bit. He's even got a red Tesla as his sleigh. Don't expose this man's identity, Tommy. Well, he exposed a lot. Jolly old Saint Dick. Hey! Hey!

This whole thing is just so Miami. I will say, though, in L.A., the Santas are amazing because there's so many actors in this town.

it's actually like a very hot job, right? If you happen to be an old man actor in L.A., Christmas time, chance to make a few bucks. It's very competitive. And the Santa that we take our kid to in Glendale is, well, he's obviously better than the Santa because he's not sexually assaulting, like, you know, visually with my eyes. But like he also like it's really, really, really hard to get a Santa job out here, I think.

I can't believe what a great Santa this is. And this poor guy has had the whole thing unravel on him because of what's happening below the waist. And again, I will tell you, I have never before this segment thought about what was happening below Santa's waist. Same.

I'm mortified by everything that is just... That's actually shocking considering we know dressing up is one of your kinks. Put it on the poll, please, at Levitard Show. Have you ever thought of what is happening below Santa's waist? Yes or no?

I'm just so relieved that this has happened after Halloween, so we don't have to see Dan try to replicate this photo. Let's go ahead and speed up the music so we can get as much football information out of this woman as we possibly can. She has spent 10 minutes just staring at balls at jolly old St. Dick. Ravens Steelers. Mina, what do you got? Like what happened? Just what did you find interesting about it?

Yeah, I mean, I thought I think the Steelers defense, the way that they handled Lamar, the way they played him, the way that they coordinated their rush to prevent him from escaping the pocket and their coverage downfield. Frankly, he was like one for six on plays that he extended, which is very unusual for Lamar Jackson. And to me, that speaks to how well they married the Russian coverage and just how sticky that coverage was on the back end.

Mina, on Tony's Top 5 this week, I proclaim that the window for the San Francisco 49ers is closed. Do you agree with me? I think you might be right in part because of the Detroit Lions' ascendance. Because if the Lions weren't where they were, I would say that the Niners are still in this because after the Lions, I think it's pretty equal. I would put the Eagles obviously above them. But yeah, right now, I don't see this Niners team competing with this Lions.

team. And then the other thing you're just seeing, I mean, we were asked, what's wrong with the Niners? Are we all mad? Kyle Shanahan stink. This is attrition, guys. This team has made it so far in the playoffs every year. They have lost talent. It's very hard to stay dominant in the NFL like that year after year after year if you go that far in the postseason. Mina, how's it feel to become a Simpsons character? It's exciting. I haven't seen the final version yet, but you guys know I'm a

Lisa Stan, so it's pretty exciting for me. I love The Simpsons, so I've actually gone back and revisited some of the old episodes, and they really hold up. What are the memorable details from being a part of that experience? It hasn't happened yet. It's December 9th, so check it out. It's...

Sorry. No, I didn't. I just I thought that those things were done before they aired. No, no, no. They prepared a lot of stuff beforehand, the Simpsons theme or whatnot. But it's it's Bengals Cowboys, which I actually think is great for us because I feel like, you know, it's like a game that, shall we say, people might be seeking additional entertainment. So, yeah, I'm excited. The Chiefs are the blank best team in football. Not. Not.

I was looking for a number. I was looking for how many teams you put ahead of the team that has, you know, ostensibly the best record in the league. Second, I know they just lost to the Bills. And I think right now the Chiefs, the Bills and the Ravens are probably about on the same tier for me in the AFC. But I also think the Chiefs will probably be better in the postseason than they were in the regular season, as they have so often been in recent years.

Mina, I'm also going on Dominique's podcast later today. Can you give me something smart to say about the Ravens-Chargers game on Monday night? Yeah. So I think one thing I find fascinating about the Chargers is there's this impression that they're this run-first team and they're really good at pounding the Brock and Greg Roman's your offensive coordinator, when actually the opposite is true. They're not very good at running the football and they become very pass-heavy. Greg Roman has let Justin Herbert cook, and I think...

It's gonna be a difficult matchup for this Ravens pass defense Mina make a case for the Green Bay Packers to win the Super Bowl I think they have a ceiling that makes it possible because Jordan love when he can make every throw he can make incredible plays The problem is he has struggled a bit against the blitz and the turnovers But when that offense is clicking they're as good as any in football And I think the quarterback we saw really heat up in the second half of last year So it's entirely possible. We might see the same thing this year mean it wins the last time you went to the bank. I

Like a physical bank? Physical bank. Walked into the bank, filled out a slip, handed it to the teller. It's been years. God. Maybe like six years ago? Your thoughts on the Giants? Tommy DeVito, I guess, is, you know... Obviously, they're doing it because they don't want to trigger Daniel Jones' injury guarantee. It's not...

particularly appealing. I mean, when we're going to look at all the jobs, and I'm assuming Brian Dable is like, oh, I think I'm going to be the same as the Giants. I don't know. Brian Dable would be an excellent Santa Claus. They had a big news week. What do you think of what happened with the Jets news week? Is Brian Dable the coach who would be the best fake Santa Claus in the NFL? Andy Reid. I kind of think so. Andy Reid. Oh, yeah. Mina, when's the last time you Irish goodbye'd?

I'm about to do it on this show, honestly. I'm thinking about it. It's Giants questions. I do it all the time. I do it all the time. Is Bo Nix turning the corner? I think he's played well. I also think that the infrastructure in Denver is fantastic. It's a really good offensive line. Sean Payton is calling a hell of an offense right now. But Nix himself is playing better, and I think it's all working. Are the Texans very, very far from being a top-tier team in the NFL?

No, they're not very far. The offensive line has just been such a nightmare for them. But the defense is still really, really good. And I still believe in the quarterback. Which team should hire Bill Belichick? I guess the Jags, maybe. They need like a total culture revamp. My concern is I saw a report that he wants to stick with Trent Balky, which I think would be a huge mistake if that's true. Your thoughts on the Jets' week? I mean... Speed it up.

Speed it up. Yeah, I'm trying to think of something to say. Like, this organization is a circus. It's a tire fire. It's been the case all season. I don't know what learning about the owner being somewhat of a meddler changes any of that. It certainly doesn't absolve the GM or Aaron Rodgers, the, you know, whatever. So...

Yeah, I guess it's obviously a poorly run organization, but I don't think it's all entirely on Woody Johnson. I think a lot of people bear responsibility for that. How common do you think it is for an NFL owner to be that kind of meddlesome?

More common than you think. The majority of them are or aren't? No, but a lot of them, I think, are more involved than people think and have, you know... I mean, so the biggest nugget that people kind of focus on, and it is crazy, is that Woody Johnson suggested that Aaron Rodgers be benched, and people were shocked. Well, Aaron Rodgers was not benched, so that suggests there's a limit to his meddling there, and I believe that owners...

offer more crazy suggestions all the time that aren't taken into account. Metalock Medium. Is Denzel Washington a top 10 actor of all time? Yeah. Mina, thank you for the time. We always appreciate it. We will talk to you soon, I hope. Nice seeing you. Is she going to do the Irish goodbye? Very poorly, I might add. May your life, yeah, she just did the Irish goodbye. May your life be filled with staring at Santa's balls.

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