Giggling about surprises, Super Bowls, and yelling
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Hey, Prime members. You can listen to this show ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Sup, gigglers? Gary, fix the Wi-Fi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed. I mean, the day just got away from me.

What's up, my field goal gigglers? Wow. Did you watch the whole Super Bowl? You were at fashion shows. No, I was home by the time it was the Super Bowl. And yeah, I watched. I looked up occasionally. Yeah. I would say it's how I watched. I was like crazy focused, just sitting there with butter. But at one point I did think about your fantasy football team. And then I was like, oh, but fantasy football would be over. It's over now. But I did have Patrick Mahomes. And I don't want to get into it, but they

they lost when I need them to win. I'm not over it. But I'm living vicariously through your first like fashion week, mid-year fashion week. Yeah. Are the shows in the morning? Um,

Are they like midday? It depends. Some of them are. Are they at night? It's a total range. So there's no rules? There's no rules. Yeah, like you could be going to a fashion show at 9 p.m. And New York is crazy because they'll just be in warehouses. Like Sally LaPointe was just like on the street. Like a vacant, it was like a vacant storefront basically. And they were just like, we're going to pull up a bus. And all the models got off of a school bus because it was like technically back to school themed. None of which the outfits were back to school appropriate. Uh-huh.

But that was like the vibe. You're like, you can't wear that in my Catholic school. It's like you can't wear no pants. Do you want to put out an emergency press conference about your bangs? A lot of people thought they were fake and I love that. Yeah.

You go, I am fake, so I totally understand. The only thing fake about me is my bangs. Here's why I'm loving them. Because when I got them cut, I haven't not had hair and makeup since. So, like, I cut them right in the beginning of fashion week, so I've been having looks. So I haven't actually even had to do them yet. So that's what I'm scared about. Because Mitchell obviously, like,

He's a savant of hair. So like he knows what he's doing every time. So I'm, we're easing in. So Paige has been very busy with Fashion Week plus Amazon plus just existing. Oh, I have a little thing for the Giggler. Just like a small housekeeping. Yeah. So I did like a style of Giggler on Amazon Live and the Gigglers loved it. So I'm going to do it again.

But this time, I want Gigglers to send me in videos of them that, like, I'll play on Amazon Live if they have, like, an event that they're going to and they have no idea what to wear. Or, like, if they're just overall, like, what would you change about this outfit? Like, certain little questions, if they send in videos to Giggly Squad Instagram, I'll save them, and then I'm going to pick, like, five and do them on a live. It's just all Craig submitting. LAUGHTER

What should I wear to brunch with my boys? No. Literally, sometimes I'll think, like, I'll be living my normal life and I'll think, oh my God, and some people do this plus have a baby. You know? And I'm like, that's crazy. So, like, sometimes during the day I'll be like, okay, would I have been able to get all of this done and have a baby? Well, yesterday, literally,

when Ludacris came out and naturally every single millennial stood up and it came to us like out of nowhere. Like I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, but I remembered every lyric to Ludacris verse and yeah. And everyone's messaging me like, oh my God, my kids and my husband were so scared. And I was like, I scared butter. Then I was like, wait, that was such a good halftime show. And then I went on the internet and I was like,

Oh, wait a minute. The kids didn't love it. Yeah, well, I didn't see the reaction. Gen Z people were not happy? Gen Z was a little annoyed. About what? They were like, we thought Justin Bieber was coming out. Okay, but that's not Usher's fault that someone gaslit us to tell us that Justin Bieber was coming out. Also, once you saw Justin Bieber in the crowd, you should have known he wasn't. Yeah. Yeah.

Unless he was doing like a Lady Gaga like fly from the stands into... Also, I'm... This is so rogue. Don't say something mean about Justin Bieber. No, I'm not going to say something mean about Justin Bieber, but like I...

I, he wouldn't have fit in. Like they kept it early. They kept it 2000. Justin was too young. Like it wasn't. How about this? Why don't we let Justin Bieber have his own Super Bowl? Yeah, let's let him have his own moment. Can we talk about your friend Hailey dyeing her hair dark? You know, I actually didn't even process that because so many people have been copying me lately. I can't like keep track.

And I didn't want to embarrass you, but I did see you came up with bangs. But it's not even just the bangs. It's how you styled them. And then I go, where did I see that? Where did I see that before? And then if you look at my Netflix announcement and you scroll to me as a child, it has the bang hanging the same way. So I crop it. I crop it. Did I send it to you, Grace? I sent it to Grace and I said, put this on the grid. No. And then I wrote the caption for her to write. And I said, crazy. This is

This is suspicious. No, it's funny because I texted Lenore and I was like, I have an event this Saturday and I'm loving the Minnie Mouse trend. If you could send that over, I'll have a messenger come pick it up. Everyone owned that dress. Why did our moms all give us bangs as kids? It's so funny because my mom is, again, the opposite of an almond mom, but she'll cut you right down.

And I remember as a child, like growing my bangs out and like I was in like eighth, ninth grade when I was like, OK, now I'm not having bangs anymore. Yeah. And I remember distinctly her saying to me, I don't know who told you you couldn't have bangs anymore. Your forehead's a little bit.

And it stuck with me for the rest of my life. And literally I was on my couch the other night and I was like, my hair is just like, it's so innovative. It's so new. No one's doing it. It's like so trendy. It's like, who am I? And then I looked in the mirror and I said, you have that haircut in eighth grade.

The funniest part, though, is we have to discuss Troy. No, we must. We must discuss Troy. Because Paige, we all know she's sneaky. I love a surprise. You love a surprise. And I actually, people know this about me. I love getting surprised. You do? Because I'm dumb. Okay, good. It is very easy to surprise me. Like, I am. I don't think I've, this is the first time I've ever surprised you, I think. No, because I think people are like, I don't like surprises. I hate that. I hate that.

I think surprises are the best gift. Yeah. Because you had to plan it. You had to, like, make an inside joke. It was, okay. It's a bit. That's why you like it. It's a bit. That's why I like it. Yeah. You had to go along with the ruse. So Paige tells everyone on Giggly Squad, I'm pretty sure, you're like, I'm coming to Troy. But then, like, weeks go by. And you text me and you're like, by the way, like, I can't go to Troy. I have an Amazon Live thing. Yeah.

And our love language is not showing up for each other. Physically, that's not our love language. It's not for us. For a second, I was like, oh, I hope people aren't disappointed. They came to see Paige. And I have to be like, Paige isn't here. But I got over it very quickly. And I was like, I just want to make sure that Paige's mom has tickets. So we were texting about something else. Yep.

We were very organically randomly texting. Also, so you think. So I... You tricky little trickster. So the night before, I'm on the phone with my mom and she's like, are you really not going to come to Troy? Like, how are you not going to come when Hannah's performing? And I was like, I get done with Amazon Live at five o'clock. I would have to get in a car immediately and get there because she was like, why don't you just get on the train? And I was like, I'd never make it on the train. So I was like, let me see if I can even do it.

So I booked a car to pick me up outside of Amazon.

The one time Amazon Live is late, and I'm literally running out of Amazon. I have three bags, a big long fur. I have this car waiting for me. I was like, oh my God, it manifested this. I get in the car, and I'm like, you don't understand. I have to be to this place before... I wanted to be there before you walked out on stage. The show started at 7.30, I think. So if I was there after you were out on stage, it would have been a waste. A full waste. So I'm...

In the green room. Also, this was my third city in a row. And I'm just, you know, I've been napping. I take two naps when I'm on tour. I fly somewhere, I get somewhere, I fall asleep, wake up, then do a 5 o'clock nap, then get ready, head out to stage. So I don't know what's going on. And I'm sitting in the green room, and all these guys keep coming back asking about people coming backstage. And I'm looking at Tracy, my feature, being like, are we?

What's going on? But, like, I don't care. I'm just, like, these people, like, are confused. Whatever. Fight a nickel. So I texted Tracy and I was like, just a heads up, I'm coming to the show, but Hannah doesn't know, but I'm going to be late. I need you to tell whoever's working there that, like, I'm coming in. They have to let me back immediately. So I'm literally working on my set and the guy keeps being like, so how many people are

people are coming backstage and I keep being like it's three it's three people after the show like I don't know what the drama is because I made my mom tell you that she needed three tickets but the third was for me but you didn't know that you thought it was for Gary yes but then I'm texting you and I was like can Gary come and you're like ooh last second he can't come and we literally were texting about something else and Tracy's on stage and Tracy's

wrapping it up. Like I know which joke is like her last one. And then I texted you and said when do you go on? When do you go on? And I'm so dumb that I'm just like You said in 10 minutes. I go sir we have 5 minutes. He had made a wrong turn because I'm there. I'm out front. That always happens. That always happens. They'll hit a person like a pedestrian and you're like I need to go. My parents were waiting on the corner. I jump out. We run in. The gigglers are like some of like stragglers are late

We're like, oh, my God, oh, my God. And I was like, guys, I can't right now. I'm racing against the clock. I'm in my own amazing race right now. And I have to win. Meanwhile, I'm just chilling in the green room. I'm getting up. I'm drinking my little Gatorade. I'm just getting in and pumping myself up. And we didn't even film a lick of it. It didn't even run through my mind. I don't think I even took a photo with you. No.

After it happened, I was like, wow, that would have been so great for you too. Actually, there was a moment where I was like, I should take a photo with her. But I felt weird because we were talking with all your friends. I was taking pictures of you. And I was like, am I going to ask Paige for a selfie? It was such a...

I was like, can I get a selfie? I'm sorry. Can I get a selfie? Hey, so nice to meet you. So nice to meet you. Thank you for coming to my show. Can I get a selfie? So the funniest thing is, so I get up and I'm literally my own, like trying to be focused. Yeah. And I'm walking towards the stage because I like standing there for like. And it's a long hallway. It's a long hallway. And you can't get there right before. You have to be like three minutes before the person is done just in case they jump off. So I'm walking and I see these like skinny,

little legs and these boots coming towards me and I'm like that's weird you're not registering you're not even looking up at my face you were literally looking I was walking past you yeah you're like this what is this bitch wearing it's a dark hallway and I was like there's a lot of people backstage all you could just see was like a fur cuff and a fur

Fur collar just prancing toward you. So I fully walk past you and you're like, Hannah. And I look and then I like, I think I must have yelled. And then I'm, I was so impressed. Like, I love that you got something over on me. And I was like, you made it. And we're like laughing and you have bangs and your mom's laughing. But in that moment, I do have to say, we realize that you're like epic cool bangs. Yeah.

You have the same haircut as your mom. I looked at my mom literally at that moment. I go. They even wear it the same. I go, where have I seen that hair before? So Kim literally is looking at you thinking you're not even the fart. No, literally.

says like my bangs are amazing she's like yeah I've only had them for 20 years we all become our moms at the end of the day and I love how you tricked yourself to think like you got this inspiration from like out of nowhere when like Kim is just sitting there I see her everyday on FaceTime Kim was wearing the cutest little leopard heels with like an all black outfit and I was like I can't tell the difference between you two

So then, we're- Well, because the night before, she texts me randomly and she goes, and make sure you wear a good outfit to Hannah's show. And I was like, literally felt like I was in second grade or something. I was like, I was gonna. Like, why'd you even say that? I already was gonna. So then I got stressed. Also, a good outfit is so loaded. Like, what do you mean? Like, were my other outfits not good? No, she's such a bitch. But the funny thing is, I then forget that I'm here for a show. And I'm with Paige and I'm with Kim.

And Gary Sr. And we're gabbing. And then the guys who have been stressed out the whole time are like, you have to go on. And I'm starting to hear the crowd clap. So I turn and I full sprint onto the stage. And I'm still hyped up because I just got bamboozled. I just got...

Ashton Kutcher'd. No, literally. So I was like trying to focus, but the crowd was fucking unbelievable in Troy. And then I'm hoping, because Tracy, my opener, Tracy Carnazzo, shout out. She's really fucking good at, she's like a mom. Yeah. Like she makes sure I'm always okay. Yep. So I knew that she would tell you like, this is when Hannah's ending. Yeah. And we had a quick moment where I was like, do you want to do a little Q&A? Yeah.

So then you come on, people lose their fucking mind. Yeah. So wait, before I go back, because in the green room, like, I could hear you and they had, like, a TV. So, like, I could see you. So I'm, like, I'm trying to listen to you. I'm like, my parents and Tracy are talking. And I'm like, you're like, I came all the way from Amazon. So I'm sitting and I'm dying laughing. And my dad looks at me and he goes, you just love her so much. That's how he talks to us.

I was like, yeah, she's my friend and she's funny. Can you pipe down? No, my favorite though is I poured my heart and soul out there for a full hour. Paige comes out, people lose their mind, and then they're tagging us being like, Hannah and Paige, amazing show. No, Hannah.

Then at one point, Hannah was like, okay, Paige is going to do 10 minutes. And she started acting like she was walking off the stage. I felt like my mom was leaving me at school for the first day. I quickly started walking behind you. I was like, do not leave me out here by myself. My favorite thing is Paige comes out and there's always a stool on stage. You need to like put your water or like she fully chapelled it and just sits down. And she's like, how do you stand up?

up here for an hour. No, I couldn't. She walks and sits on the stool. Because when I first go out onto stage, like, for Giggly Squad, this is something niche that no one knows. My whole body is shaking. So, like, my arm is shaking. So I can't hold it.

hold the microphone with one hand I have to hold it for the first five minutes with two hands so being out there and not having a chair I was shaking so I had to like lean against something because first of all it's way different being out there by yourself yeah that's like that's masochism I'm mentally ill no I have mental illness no stand-up comedians I go wanna really feel shit I

Because that's a feeling unlike, that's a nervous feeling unlike anything else. Talk about stage fright. Like that's. But it's crazy. And I talk about this. I get nervous over the stupidest situations. Like I won't go into like an H&M because it scares me or like a boutique store because I don't want people to talk to me and be like, do you want to buy that? Like I can't handle that.

But for some reason, I'm my most calm when I, like, have a microphone and have a thousand girlies just, like, let's talk shit. But I really feel... My shows, I really feel like I'm FaceTiming my friends. Yeah. Well, because you can't see anything. You can't. It's black. You can't... I was... I said, you can't see a thing out here. The light is completely... So I'm talking to myself for an hour. And the sweat that was dripping from the back of my neck, like, I...

No, it's crazy. And it's so much fun. But like when you're on the road so much, I go from literally being asleep to in 30 minutes, the most adrenaline you'll ever have. So it's very like I'm very either really on or really off. But that was like...

such a great surprise and then you just jump in the car with us and drive back that night and we had so much fun so much fun and I said to my mom I was like you know you should it would be really nice if you made us something to eat like on the car ride back and she was like okay well what do you what do you want and I said chicken parm and pasta and she goes how are you gonna eat chicken parm and pasta in the car and I said try me first of all don't challenge us try me

We'll make it a whole reality show. The shit that I've eaten in Ubers, that's why my Uber rating's bad, because I'm eating, like, a full, like, head of a pig in the backseat. At any moment, there's a turkey panini in your back pocket. It's...

So she was like, I'm not making chicken parmesan pasta. It's going to be too hard to eat. So she got us subs and pasta salad and chips. And we literally had a picnic. We had a party. It was so much fun. We talked the most shit. So much shit. It was cathartic. I felt like I purged and threw up. It's fun to talk shit with a third person who's like really not...

but great banter. That's how I feel about my therapist. I'm like, how invested are you in this? Let's just talk shit for a minute. Because Tracy has great opinions, but you know at the end of the day, she's not biased. She doesn't care. She's not trying to convince us of something. So we're like, Tracy, are we wrong about this? And she'll just, I mean, let's be honest, she agreed with everything we said. It's that time of the year. Your vacation is coming up.

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This episode of Giggly Squad is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give BetterHelp online therapy a try at betterhelp.com slash giggly squad and get on your way to being your best self. Hannah and I are always talking about therapy and honestly, sometimes we talk about stopping therapy too because sometimes it just gets overwhelming. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of it, but it's a therapy that you can do

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Also, last night, I was trying to go to bed at a decent hour. It was midnight. And I had one of those New York moments that I love so much. I was like, I'm going to bed early. It's midnight. Butter was cuddling with me.

And I start to hear drilling. No. And I'm like, that's illegal. Like, I don't know a lot of rules. That actually is illegal. But I know that's illegal. They're only allowed to do like 8 a.m., which is fucked up. Crazy. It's like 8 to like 5 or something. There's like rules or the city would be like. I think it's 9 to 4. Yeah. There's rules or it would sound like Oppenheimer all the time. Yeah. So I'm hearing drilling and I go, mm.

Am I having a mental break? Not going to lie, though. It has been me a few times. Like, if I want to hang a picture and it's 2 a.m. and I'm like. True, I do do my best work at 2 a.m. I feel like this would look great on this wall now. Yeah. But it's like the one time I'm trying to sleep at midnight. And I go like, okay, is someone out here just like drill? Like, what did they think? So it goes on like a little too long where I'm like, do I have to be that person that calls 311? Oh.

Because 311 is supposed to be like, it's not an emergency, but like you're annoyed. Someone's Italian mother should like, we should just make a 311 and it should just be all Italian moms who answer the phone. You're like, I'm actually trying to go to bed early. And they're like, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Let me, I'll talk to them. Let me see what I can do.

So it's not an emergency, but it's annoying. That's what it's like. Yeah. Information. Yeah. So I'm like, do I have to? I was already falling asleep and I don't like to get up when you're like kind of falling asleep. So I'm like, do I have to call 311? Yeah. And then have you ever called 311? No. Me neither. I'm so scared of calling 311. Who answers? It's just you. I'm like, I don't know. I just knock on their door.

So in that moment, I have one of those New York, like, dude, there has to be someone else who's going to call 311. Nope. Out of nowhere, I just hear a guy yelling, going, shut the fuck up! It goes silent. It goes silent. Never heard from him again.

I love this state. I love this city. And if someone is listening and being like, Hannah, that's abrasive. New Yorkers. No, it's not. Like, I don't need someone, no offense, I don't need someone from the Midwest coming down and being like, oh, yeah, so, you know, I'd really like to sleep right now, okay? Oh, yeah. No. Shut the fuck up. Get the job done. Who needs 311? Because New Yorkers cut out the middlemen. We cut out the niceties. He could have said, knock down the door, hey. That would have taken five minutes of his day. A quick fucking.

Quick five second. Shut the fuck up. Got the job done. And the fact that the guy listened. He was like, oh, yeah, you got me. He's like, that's not me. That's my bad. Sorry, I thought drilling would be fun at midnight. Speaking of niche New York.

Literally, we recorded last Monday. I told my naked neighbor story. I get home from recording immediately, have a bag of my clothes. So this girl gave it back before the pod came out. Gave me brownies. Okay. Were you eating brownies? No, like got them at the store. Wrote a little note and said, thank you so much for helping me the other night. Sorry I didn't return your clothes sooner. I had to go out of town.

Just the girlies being girlies. So you're apologizing to the Academy for- Yeah, apologizing. This girl's been harassed for a week. This is my new best friend now. My literal new best friend. Speaking of best friends, who the fuck were you at dinner with? You tagged like six people and you were like, the greatest people in my life. And I go, that's wild. I've never met any of these people.

I was going to DM you, but it was giving jealous girlfriend. Where are you? What are you doing right now? No, she literally tags 800 girls and goes, with my favorite people I've ever met. That was someone else posted it and tagged me in it, and I reposted it. Why did you repost it? Because she's my friend. Who is she? Who?

My friend Katie. You know my friend Katie. Is she from home? No, I met her at ABC News, but she is from home. Okay. I was just in her wedding.

Okay. You blocked it out mentally. No, I don't want to hear about like your other friendships. I will say this though. So my girlfriend Katie, we've been friends for like 10 years. No, now I remember. Shout out Katie. Her husband texted me and was like, hey, I'm planning Katie a surprise birthday dinner. How many surprise friends are you surprising? I feel- Yeah, I had two surprises in one week. You're my fucking Nile Rodgers out here doing this. You make me feel special when you're with me. You make me feel like I'm the only one. I surprised two people this week.

But when he texted me, this is why it's amazing getting older. When he texted me, I'm reading the text. I'm like, oh, that's so nice. He's planning a surprise party. And then he goes, dinner's at 6 p.m. And I go, that is the best fucking thing. He was like, no, we need to get home, get on the couch. We need to chill. 6 p.m. or bust. And it was lovely. Literally, I had a drink. I know you posted about it. Yes.

Do you know what it was? It was because you tagged, like, there were seven girls tagged, and I didn't know, like, I never even heard of them. And I was like, this is my family. This is my sister. And she's living a double life. Do you...

She already has a secret family. To your point, one of the girls at the dinner, I didn't really know. Okay? You go, I didn't know them either. I really only know Katie. But I had a really special dinner with them. But these were her bridesmaids. Yeah. So I knew them through that. But like, Katie is different. Yeah. Anywho. I'm going to get a text from Katie being like...

No, I actually pressed on her and she followed me and I was like, no, Katie's like the literal fucking I'll follow her back. She's like when I need like my adult, like an adult friend to ask something. I call Katie. Actually, Katie's my guru for if I want to buy something really expensive. I'll say, Katie, should I invest in this? And she'll say yes.

Okay, well, I would like to meet Katie. Have you never met Katie? No, you've definitely met her probably at like a Giggly Squad show, but that's like always so quick. I get overwhelmed. Really quick, I just want to discuss Travis yelling. Wait, I texted Hannah last night. Truer words have never been spoken. I feel like winning the Super Bowl is like kind of an ick. Okay, don't be the best.

It's kind of gross. It's like, oh, you beat up all the other boys. You're the winner. Also, here's another thing. All football coaches have to look the same. Is that like a criteria? Because literally they're showing the coach and I was like, I thought he coached the Patriots. No, that was an AI football coach. Everything was giving AI last night. Also, I have like conspiracy theory Craig next to me the whole time. He's like, this is scripted. This whole thing is scripted. I will say, I thought Taylor Swift looked great.

Gorgeous. Cute. Very cute. Like a great outfit for the Super Bowl. My favorite was Ice Spice there who had no idea what was going on and wasn't trying to hide it. She was straight up, everyone would get excited and she'd turn and be like, what happened? And someone would try to explain to her, which is so relatable. But then it's like Taylor's celebrating the Super Bowl, holding Ice Spice. Ice Spice is like, why are you shaking me so hard?

I feel like Ice Spice was like, I thought this was like a play on the Super Bowl, like a theatrical. I thought this was very like a meta thing we were doing. I thought the Super Bowl was like a weed party. Yeah.

Which it kind of is. No, the celebs there. So this is my thing. Yeah. I'm scared for Travis and Taylor because things are going too storybook. It makes me... Pardon me for a second. I love the Chiefs. I was almost rooting against them so they could have a redemption. Like, it's going too positively, and that makes me very uncomfortable. And that's my own traumas. I hate when men get accolades. You know, like, I just hate...

I'm very happy for them and they worked very hard and they should accept their award. Imagine if Taylor accepted the award. She should have.

His speech at the end, I just was like, stop singing. Okay. Stop singing. So this is what people have to realize, and I've been trying to tell you guys since day one, but no one listens to me. As someone who has dated a much less talented football player in college, these men have CTE. And these men are unwell. You guys thought it was a bit. Thought we were joking. You thought it was joking. It's not a bit. I've met them all. They're all the same. And the guy I dated has Tfue.

14 years less CTE than Travis Kelsey. And he's pretty bad. And it was pretty scary down there. It was very scary. We're just touching goat for a minute.

the thing. People are like, how could he yell at his old coach in his face? This is a man who the testosterone levels are so high that his brain cells are fully just zapped. And for a living, he gets pushed around and hit in the head. He's a human gladiator. The fact that he didn't beat the shit out of his coach is actually a miracle. The fact that he just yelled at him and broke his earbud. Earbud.

Ear drum. Could have had an Apple AirPod in. You'd have no idea. The thing for me that I think is so crazy, like I watched that, him like going up and screaming. And I thought, hmm.

If I yell, like anytime, anywhere, if a woman shows an emotion at all, specifically while doing her craft or like whatever, it'd be like, this is why women don't run the country. I mean, you're so emotional. I mean, that's crazy. But he did it and they were like, oh, he's just passionate about his sport. Also imagine if Taylor Swift sang Viva Las Vegas when she won album of the year. Everyone would be like, this is a medical emergency. Viva.

Visiting hours are over. Bring her back to the ward. Austin Butler somewhere being like, excuse me. Excuse me. People are joking that Taylor Swift is going to, when they break up, write a song called Viva Las Vegas and be like, you embarrassed me on the field. I was feeling weird. Didn't know how to act. I feel like she's going to break up with him. I mean...

This is a total conspiracy theory. Like, we... I'm literally just spewing shit. What I do love about the girls watching football is that they're realizing that this is, like, as good as reality TV. Like, sports is just reality TV. Right. It really is just men doing reality TV. The fact that Craig said it's scripted, I mean...

It's scripted in that, you know, for a fact that Travis and Taylor talked to all the reporters and they were like, okay, first we're going to have the ceremony. Then you guys are going to stand right here where we can get you guys all surrounded by cameras and you have three minutes to make out and hold each other and get every single angle. And honestly- Why did they stand in that one spot for so long? Because it was organized. Yeah. But like the photos looked so fucking cute. This is the thing. They did look so cute. It's just, it's like-

It's I don't know who it makes me nervous. I believe that these two people are on this like insane fucking high. But then the reporters like this is true love. And I'm like, can I just don't want people to keep putting this crazy pressure on it. Let's be honest. But every relationship two years in, you're like, are you still two years in two years in, honey?

Oh my God, you deserve a medal. They're six months in and I'd be like, let's pack it up. We've done what we needed to do here. Think of their six months. Everyone says that when you're with a football guy, like the wives don't even see their husbands during football season. So he's been in football season. She's on a full live tour. I can't believe I've never dabbled in football. They've seen each other in person maybe 18 times. I'm here for that. And like, that's why it's hot and heavy. But you can't say, once you've spent two weeks straight with each other, then let's like,

Let's just leave him alone. Still leave him alone. But like these two people are on such a fucking crazy high. What do you think of his outfit? They need to be stuck at the airport together. Yes. They need to go to the DMV.

They need to go to Ikea. Yep. They need to do some real tests. They need to say, oh, we're going to go out to dinner, but neither people has a location. And then when it gets down to really being hungry, what happens? Because that's when a fight breaks out. That's where I'm at. Or they have to order Uber Eats, and they're starving, and the restaurant cancels. Yeah.

What are we going to do? Nobody talks about that when you're ordering. And then immediately it says, sorry, we've closed. And when that happens, Des looks at me and goes, whenever you order Ubers, these things happen. I go, do you think it's me? The rage. The rage. And then he does it. And then I'm like, oh. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Or they drop it off at the wrong apartment. Earlier in the pod, I said, would I be able to be a mom and still do this? This week, yes.

Not only did I realize, yes, but the best mom ever because I've had a child with me all weekend, okay? I've woken up early to clean the kitchen, the apartment, make sure I'm really quiet, and then I'm like, okay, it's time to get my baby up. I have to get my baby up. I have to get him showered. I have to get him dressed. I have to figure out what his schedule is for the day. Then I have to say, oh, mommy's got to go to work now. Wait, you're already a mom. No, I'm a full mom. See, Des broke his full leg, and he's like, hey, could you just grab me some water? And I'm like, ugh.

How about my mom sending chocolate for Des? She was so nervous that I was going to take them and not leave them for you. She's like, now, you left the chocolate for Hannah, didn't you? Or did you take it? No, Des was so happy. He was like, oh, wow, these are good. These are, like, really good. They're so good. They're so good. It's like a homemade. But Des is now in Ireland. Yeah.

So you get all the chocolate. So I get all the chocolate. And he's, everyone watches Special. He's, I'm actually really proud of him. His videos have been like blowing up on Instagram. Wait, I was dying laughing the other night at one of his like clips. There's like blowing, the man is like, he's like a viral sensation on Instagram. He deserves it. He deserves it, obviously. And then like.

The executive production was really executed well. Nobody's talking about the cinematography of it all. People are not talking about it. People are not talking about it. The Academy is dialed in now. They've seen it and they love your voice. Oh, I have a DJ James Kennedy story. I can't wait. So on my fifth day in a row of A Different State this last week, I went to Atlantic City. Have you ever been to Atlantic City? Not willingly. No.

No, actually, I don't think I have ever been to. It's basically in Pennsylvania, but it's New Jersey, and it's like a little island. It's basically our Bermuda Triangle. Yes, it is. Because what happens in Atlantic City? I don't know. I'm scared. Yeah. And when it's at a casino and you're a performer, they give you this big room that you just know it's full of strippers and partying, and it's just me in a corner. I feel like Atlantic City smells like smoke and cocaine, you know? Yeah.

It smells like fun retired people who hate their kids. And I see a huge billboard for DJ James Kennedy. Yeah. And I'm with Tracy and she's like, oh my God, James Kennedy's performing at the Bargata across from, I was at Soundwaves at the Hard Rock. Mm-hmm.

So I DM him because DJ James Kennedy and I go way back. I don't talk about it. Yeah. When I was at Betches, I interviewed him and Raquel. I think if you YouTube it, you can find it. Which is honestly iconic. Iconic. And we like low-key gotten, you know, a little sassy back and forth where I was like asking the hard-hitting questions because this was my first –

interviewing gig and he was like why are you asking me all these fucking questions and I was like that's what an interview is James sorry you're on an interview it's quite literally the only reason we're here that's the one job I'm supposed to do we laughed and then he would like

I like knew of him for a while and he was always really nice. He was like playing these like little bar shows and he would invite us to go. Anyway, so I DM him and he's like, oh my God, come through. I'll get you via table. And I was like, yes, for sure. I want to come through. And then he was like, okay, my set starts at 1245. And this was after like

I saw the post of like, you guys should all go to DJ James County. I was like, she found out what time it was started. Well, I was mentioning when I was like, I'll definitely come by and show some love, represent. I'll tell the girls to come through. Can't wait to see you. Crazy. And then he goes, okay, see you 1245. And it was like, left and right. You're like, sorry. This number is no longer in service. Please text one to reach an operator. There was not one part of my brain that was like, we should wait three hours. Yeah.

And like, but I would love to. I'm just, James, I'm 32. I'm tired. And I've lived many lives. I had a girlfriend the other day say to me, I'm really proud of your boundaries. Because I was like, and no, I'm not going. Like, no. She's not coming to my house and I'm not going. No. She's like, I'm really proud of your boundaries. Because people are always like FOMO, FOMO, FOMO. But it's like, I think once you experience enough, you go, okay, I got it. Yeah. Okay. I was...

Not publicly shamed because I was in my own home, but it felt like the public was around. I'm getting my hair and makeup done. Kelly is doing my makeup. And Mitchell's like, let's just cut bangs. Like, let's just do it now. And I'm like, okay, well, I feel like I should like film it. Like if I'm going to do it. So I go in my closet. I get out my ring light. Obviously. I put my stand up. I put my phone in my ring light. And I turn it on and Kelly looks at me and she goes, what the fuck is that?

And I go, it's a ring light. Like, what do you mean? And she was like, this is the most millennial thing I've ever seen you do. And I go, wait a minute. What are the kids doing then? How are they holding their phones? And she was like, no, we're not. Like, you buy a light and then you hold your phone. Like, we're not putting it in anything anymore. No.

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A mental health moment. Yeah. Since we got pretty negative there. This is crazy. Someone on TikTok, I'm so sorry. I'll tag the person if I can find it. They were saying how, I don't know why I get all these inspirational things. I mean, we can unpack that next week. But it basically said, men are attracted to women visually. Okay. And women are attracted to men visually.

Mentally and emotionally. That's why women wear makeup and men lie. Mic drop. Yeah. Isn't that fucking crazy? Yeah. Yeah, that's why. Like, that is, though, the reason why over time, like, men become more obsessed with you and women, like, lose interest. Yeah. Because we're just, we're meeting each other and we're like, oh, okay.

So basically on a first date, don't believe a word he's saying, but also don't believe a word I'm saying. Yeah. Kind of think like the craziest lie I ever told on a date. I think that's honestly, it's a very traditional standpoint because moving forward, like that's basically saying like, oh man, we'll never be attracted to you if you're like funny or like a good person. Which? I mean, I definitely know a few. I definitely know a few.

I also, we had that thing kind of go viral talking about how tired we are. Yeah. So the comments are always really helpful. And people were like, you need B12, magnesium, vitamin C. I take magnesium every night. It helps you fall asleep and it helps with stress. Yeah. And they say like women need more magnesium. But if you do in the morning, will it make you sleepy? I don't know. Long story short, they're telling us. I don't think so. We're iron deficient. They were telling us all this stuff and I'm like.

How did the cave woman survive?

Because you're telling me that I need to take all these pills every morning to just be normal? Yeah, to just be alive. To just exist? That's crazy. I do think I'm definitely iron deficient, though, because I crave burgers a lot. Me too. And I think that's like, if we crave red meat, we're craving the iron. But this is the thing. We're basically vampires. Do we really need all these pills? Like, why?

Why are we taking... Also, I will... In the newsletter, like, a couple weeks ago, I put, like, a pill. Like, crush it.

She put a pill crusher. And I literally got it, and I opened it, and I was, like, so pumped for it. And my mom was there that week, and she was appalled. How many vitamins do you put in your pill crusher? I literally haven't done it once yet. I got it actually for my Nutrafol and, like, all my other vitamins to do it and then do in my smoothie. Yeah. But it just lives on my counter right now. But, like, it made you feel good to buy it? Yeah, it did. Speaking of girl math and buying stuff, have you ever, like—

Put a ton of stuff in your cart and thought, if I don't buy this, I just saved $400. Yeah, you made money. You made money. That's getting a paycheck. Every single store I've ever shopped at currently has a running cart. I always have a running cart. It's how I remember what I like. Does it ever accidentally delete the cart? No, but then sometimes I'll put things in, just take them out of cart, put them in my saved. Or it gets sold out occasionally. But there's been moments. That's when I say, it wasn't meant to be. It wasn't meant to be.

The universe didn't want it for me. It wasn't for me. It was for her. It wasn't for me.

When I have stuff in my cart and I go, I want it, I want it, and then I get distracted by something and then I don't buy it, I go, I made $400. Yeah. I made $200. No, that's grandma. I'll even make, but then if it's on Amazon, it doesn't count when you buy it. No, things on Amazon literally don't count. Or things with Apple Pay don't count. That's a real tricky one. Yeah, the Apple Pay, I'm like. Apple Pay, that's crypto. Here's the other thing with Amazon and why it doesn't count. That's karma points, Apple Pay. It's like, Amazon doesn't give a fuck. No.

Like, if you want to return something, they're like, yeah, you broke bitch. You need the 20. Like, we'll take it back. Here's your money, you stupid, stupid bitch. Because, like, there's no fuss. There's no mess with them. No. Like, it's so easy to return shit. It's so easy to get shit in the mail. And it's also so cheap. It's so easy to just keep it. You can press return and just never return it. Yeah, and they're like, we don't care. You obviously need it more than us. Like, they shame you. I feel like Amazon.

shames you when you return something because they're like get another job. Do you know when like you're buying a $4 mascara and then it's like coupon 10% off and I'm like it feels insulting. Yeah. To be like oh you think I need 40 cents right now. Yeah. You're like well last month you did. Last month you returned three $7 things.

Do you know why Amazon's making so much money? Because I have so many subscriptions of paper towels. Why do I have so many paper towels in my apartment right now? Right now. It's so funny you say that. Because for whatever reason, I must have signed up for a subscription. I can't get the timing right. For Swiffer Fluid. Yeah.

Okay? I've used my Swiffer once a year and I have seven bottles of it. Being an adult is so hard. So I realized like, oh my God, I've spent way too much money on toilet paper. So I canceled it. And my mom's like, where's your toilet paper? And I was like, oh, I have to go back on this multi-level marketing scheme. No, it's so much. No, I'm so fucking stressed out. Oh, also I want to be an actor. Okay.

So I want to be an actress. You are Craig. I mean, it's just, I'm surrounded by... Does Craig want to be an actor too? Are you kidding? He only thinks he was born to be an actor. He immediately stood up during Usher. I was like, you're not...

Sit down. So this is my thing. I obviously went to school with Jeremy Allen White. I was in a drama class. And like, honestly, I was getting big reports on him. And I was like, you know what? I always wanted to be an actress, but I'm not like, I'm not that delusional that I'm like, I'm going to be an actress. So instead I took a very like roundabout way to then be like, wait, can I be an actress? So then I told my agent, I was like, I want to be an actress. And I can't tell if they're just like,

Okay. Yeah. Because sometimes they do, okay, that sounds so good. We'll look into it. And I'm like, they're never looking into it. So I've gotten a couple auditions. Now, I want to walk you guys through this process with me. So I'm like, I want to be an actress. And then they send you an audition. You're like, fuck.

And they're like, you have to memorize like three pages of a script. It's the only reason why I think I could. I want to be in a movie. I don't want to memorize three pages of script. So then I will procrastinate till the day it's due. And then I have to call Grace. I say, Grace, can you come over? I have to read some lines. Grace and I...

I want to be an actress, but I can't memorize anything. We've hit a crossroad. We've hit a crossroad. See, I can memorize everything, but I can't get up there and do it. Arguably, I think you can act. I'll get so nervous when I'm two minutes in. I'll just start saying random names. I'll just change up the script. Yeah.

Des and I almost got divorced once because he was helping me film a self-tape. Yeah. And he kept being like, stop and go in the other room and just keep memorizing it. And I'm like, no, I'm working it out here. And he goes, well, I'm fucking exhausted and you keep messing up. Me and Des. Craig made me do this exact fucking thing. He goes, go in the room and actually know your lines and then come back. And I go, no, but I'm learning it with you. Don't come to us.

One time Love Island was on. Love Island was on. Craig's talking, talking. I'm like, you don't know the script. Love Island's on. Leave the room. Come back when you're ready. What do I look like?

And then you're not allowed to like make a mistake and just cut it. Right. You have to do the whole scene. Which is crazy because I'm like, wouldn't you rather me do it well with one cut? Yeah. First of all, that's what cuts are for. Then me bumble through a bad audition. So Grace is laughing. I'm trying to act. So I'm acting like I'm not laughing at myself.

I'm trying to literally do my craft. So I'm so sure I want to be an actress, but we're hitting a difficult time. And then they said you have to get an acting coach. So anyway. That seems like a nightmare. Yeah. So turns out acting's hard. Also, I have so much respect for actors because like when I'm working on my jokes, I'm doing it on stage. And here's the other thing. You're memorizing.

Well, the thing is, I wrote it. It's like a song you wrote. It's like Ludacris' verse. I will never forget. It's like, Paige. Paige. I'm like, tell that funny story about Troy. Yeah. You wouldn't be like, oh, I can't remember it. Like, you're telling stories. You're telling jokes. After an edible or two. You never know. No, I get that. And I only...

It's my childhood trauma that I can even memorize anything because I couldn't read until fourth grade. So I literally had to cosplay as someone who knew how to read. See, I was a bullshitter. I would not read even though I could and then raise my hand because I was like, I have something to say about this book. Yeah.

I was crazy. I would get off on hearing a couple opinions and then raise my hand and be like, I think this character was appalling. We would have been perfect in school. I'd try and literally get inside my desk to not get called on. I was that person at class that raised her hand every time to the point that when I would be sick from school, I'd go, who's speaking English? Who's raising their hand in class today? Hannah, you had to practice.

pry my hand from my desk. It was almost like it was glued. You were the cool girl in the back. You were the cool girl in the back. I was, I would raise my hand before the question was in. I would raise my hand before they asked the question because I wanted them to pick me. I'm a pick me girl. If we were in class and that was you, I would have been in the back and been like this bitch again. I would never, I wasn't. We know Hannah

knows it. I wasn't that girl though who like when class was over I'd be like wait can I ask a question? Like I was ready to leave. I was tired. But like if we were gonna do it I'm like let's do it right. You weren't like oh you forgot to assign homework. No. You weren't psychotic. No but like if no one was raising their hand I would take the sacrifice. Because you can't have an awkward silence. I can have an awkward silence. You're like this guy's up here trying to run a bit and no one's reacting to him. I definitely am that girl though that like they pick someone else and I'm like what the fuck.

See, I loved when that happened. I would literally pretend to drop something. I'm like, sorry, you can't see my eyes. Can't pick on me. No, because if you're raising your hand a lot, then when you don't know, they're not going to come to you because you already spoke earlier. It's smart. The whole infrastructure of school makes me smile. See, I come from a family of teachers, so we live for school. We love school. Oh, I come from a family of dropouts. Yeah.

We hate it. We'll figure out a different way. My mom's a fucking principal. The school was all we cared about. My grandma was a librarian. My grandpa was a gym teacher. Oh, my God. My aunt was a teacher. Everyone's a teacher. But I would get in trouble because when I wasn't raising my hand, I was still talking. Classic. So I never shut up. Yeah. And now here we are. But now I want to be an actress. And this is the problem. With actors, they're...

they work so hard behind the scenes. Right. Like, you have to do all this stuff that no one sees for you to potentially get a role. Like,

Stand-up, even if I go and I bomb for 10 minutes, I get paid 30 bucks for the gig. Right. Where, like, this, I spent four hours with Grace trying to get three pages of a script that'll never see the light of day. And then I get it when, like, actors get to a certain point where they're like, I'm not auditioning. Well, yeah, that's when I asked Michael Rapaport, I was like, can you give me advice for, like, auditioning? And he was like, I haven't auditioned in 30 years, you fucking loser. And I was like, okay. Here's your coffee. Bye.

So I just want to commend. That's why, like, when you see these actors give their speeches of, like, we've been through a lot. Like, it's not just you wake up and you have a role. Like, I have to probably do, like, 100 self-tapes before. You understand their Oscar speeches more now. Finally, I do have two documentaries. Okay. One, did I talk about the Lil Nas documentary? I think I did. Yeah.

Okay, that one. And then two, there's a new one on Netflix that everyone needs to watch about a stalker. Okay. I think I might have seen the trailer. Everyone's talking about it. It's only like an hour 15. It's twisted. It's crazy. Lover, stalker, killer. No. And it'll make you like never want to go on a dating app again. Yeah.

But it did remind me of, like, just how, like, you meet people and, like, how one moment could change your life. Yeah. But on a positive note, on Burner Phone, we were going to do a Valentine's Day episode. And I was like, okay, let's ask, like, bad date stories on Valentine's Day. And I was like, no, let's do something more original. And I was like, let's do the craziest way you met someone romantically. Like, a meet cute. The stories we got.

page. It actually was so hopeful and crazy. The universe really is working. One girl said that she was fighting with her boyfriend and they went to a Red Robin. Wow.

R.I.P. Are they not a thing? I don't think so. Are they? I feel like they are, but not in New York City. No, because they used to have them upstate. I think they fully went out. It's just fuck up a Red Robin. What was your order? Just a cheeseburger. You've mentioned cheeseburgers like eight times today. I'm here for the cheeseburger community.

So basically they're in a fight and he made her go in to get the food, which is like annoying. She goes in to get the food and she was looking for a job. And they randomly asked her, like, do you want to be the hostess here? And she was like, OK. And she found out the chef had seen her and was like, ask her to be the hostess. They fell in love. They're married. Another girl is on chat roulette in China during COVID. Sees a guy playing a banjo, loves banjos.

They date for five years. These are tiny moments. This one guy was jogging, needed water, married, had four kids. That's why when you're sitting at home, it does motivate me. Definitely go outside. Bars, you don't have to do, but something about one lady, a guy was dropping off food because it went to the wrong address and he brought it to hers, hit it off, married. Here's the thing that I feel like. When I was single...

You're never single. I feel like no one talked to me. Like, I feel like I never talked to people, like, out in the wild of, like, during the day. Like, I don't think my Uber driver was ever like, you're really pretty. You know, like, you don't even know my name. Yeah.

You know, like, I feel like I've never had something like that happen to me. Oh, I have the craziest one ever. This one girl definitely listens to the episode because I don't want to mess up the stories, but she was supposed to email someone. She's a teacher and she was supposed to email a kid. And she got the email address wrong. A guy responds like, hey, I don't think this is the right person. She must have responded back kind of funny. Married with children.

One time I got a text message with one number off from my number and they said, hey, we're phone number buddies. And I blocked that. Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare. Thank you guys so much for being with us today. We love you so much. We'll talk to you next week and have a great Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Bye.