Giggling about breakdowns, beta blockers, and bravolebs
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No, you guys, we're not okay. No, I'm not okay. If our audio isn't perfect, it's because we're not perfect.

We're not perfect people. I'm in LA. We've been so Giggly Squad coded this week. It's not even fucking funny. It's been insane. We went too... The bit has gone too serious. It's gotten way too serious. Paige, I like forgot my phone and Uber and then I almost forgot my...

my macbook in an uber and then i walked in realized i forgot my library like you know what you've literally forgot your torso like i forgot my card i just said library card hotel card and i literally was just naked and they were like what's going on and i'm like and it was like 1 a.m after our shows so i do have to say before we get into it that our shows have been i'm biased

Un-fucking-believable. Like, the crowds, the content. Like, I'm so proud. I think it's one of the funniest... I think it's the funniest show we've done. Sorry, I'm still thinking about your library card.

I literally haven't been to a library since I was nine years old. No, I'm trying to think like if I ever had a library. No, I could smell the like back of the book. And then I always get afraid. Wait, I was so afraid that I wouldn't return the book or I'd lose the book. And then my family would be in debt forever to the library. That's why I never took any out. Yeah, you're smart. So anyway, long story short.

The actual show has been fucking unbelievable. So far. Everything else has been...

chaos no truly chaotic this is why we belong on reality tv because it's just been true chaos behind the scenes i also will say we've been getting really good guys for is he trash but is that good or bad for society the fact that the hit rate is getting higher for trashy dudes

No, it's so funny because, like, when we first started doing the segment, Is He Trash?, I was like, how is this going to go? Because this is, like, completely by chance. But it ends up always being funny because it's so, like, raw and real. And, like, I feel like when you're on stage, like –

You can like if you've never been on stage or do that type of thing, you can only really be yourself because you are so stunned that you're like in front of like 3000 people. No, it's literally like getting a zoo animal.

and putting them like in a cage and they're like what the fuck is going on and then you start literally crazy and therapy it's gym crazy also the best part is when they say something that's not trash and i love looking at you being like page and you go trash i love love when other men in the crowd try and form an alliance with like the guy on stage

I like getting the men to finally feel comfortable. And then when they feel comfortable, putting them like right back in their place. Honestly, it's emotional terrorism, what we do on stage, the boys. No, it makes me think of like, it makes me think of like Theo Vaughn, where he's like, I think women should be able to kill like one man a month. I feel like that's our version of like bringing a man's confidence down at least once a week.

My favorite is when the gigglers like turn on the man so much that I'm like, look, I had a method, but like you, you, we've lost control of the gigglers and now I can't help you because we can't control the gigglers. So this is on you, babe. So anyway, that's one of our favorite segments that we've been doing. Do you want to give them an update page? Wait, this is so page coded. She literally is like, I can't wait to tell the gigglers how I'm feeling. And she goes, let's talk about library cards.

Are you crying? If I don't laugh, I'll cry. It's just that's where I'm at right now. Okay, obviously, like, we did a tour last year, and I – fine, amazing, great, walked out on stage, no problems. And for whatever reason, like, this tour, I've never really – I've always said, like, oh, I have, like, general anxiety. Like, I get nervous about certain things, and I'm just, like, a basic human. I never really felt –

panic attacks the way like people would describe them like I would listen to people and be like that's so crazy and that's insane and I feel so bad for you but never have I personally experienced it that's crazy for you that's crazy for you you should get a handle on that maybe talk to someone

And so I had my first like real legit panic attack. And the crazy thing about anxiety is it's, you don't know what it's about. And yes, obviously like I was about to go on stage in front of 3000 people. So you could be like, Oh yeah, it's stage fright. Except that I've done that 50 times before. Like I,

And you love attention. Yeah, I've been on reality TV for six years. You can't say anything to me that's like gonna rattle me at this point. So I think I was like part frustrated of like what the fuck is going on with my body. I just want to say that the gigglers are some of like

the realest people in the world. I had a giggler DM me. She's a judge, like a full fucking judge. And she goes, I have to take a beta blocker before every court case I do. And I was like, that's, that's just like such being such a girl. That's such girlhood. And so I've never been on medicine for anxiety before. I,

Not that I'm obviously against medicine for people. Like if you need medicine, you should take it. For myself, I always was like, I'm stronger than that. I don't need something. Like this is all in my head. I'm –

I'm strong enough to like tell myself to snap out of it. And I just wasn't. And I think like admitting that to yourself is like part of the battle. So I'd never taken a beta blocker before. I didn't know what it was. It's actually for high blood pressure. And luckily, like my makeup artist had one of them.

It takes away the physical symptoms of a panic attack because that's pretty much your brain telling your body like, hey, I actually think we're dying. So like prepare for it. And so it takes away that. And so when I took –

beta blocker and went out and did the show I was completely fine at one point at one of the shows then like I psyched myself out like oh my god is it going to happen again the next night and sure it sure enough it did because I think I psyched myself out at one point I took half a Xanax

I do not like Xanax. I am not a Xanax girly. It was not for me. The beta blocker worked way better. I felt way better on it. Xanax,

If you're on Xanax, obviously, like, and it works for you, that's amazing. For me, it, like, I didn't like the way it made my brain feel compared to the beta blocker. The beta blocker did, like, nothing to my brain. No, not, I don't. Yeah, this is just raw. Also, can we acknowledge that I've turned into a full drug dealer in the last three days? No.

Literally, I've never done more drug deals in my life. I've never gotten pills in an envelope to my fucking hotel room. No, it was wrapped in like a collegiate sweatshirt. Someone was like, who got a collegiate sweatshirt? I was like, not Paige. Oh, that's half a Xanax in there. No, it's so crazy. And I...

I just want to say to the gigglers that were commenting and being like, thank you for normalizing this. I guess I never, like when people would be like, oh, we need to normalize this or someone needs to talk about this more. I guess in my head, I always thought like, well, would someone have like a problem with like that your body feels this way? And they do. Like I,

I think people really do see it as like such a weakness and it's like then figure your shit out. It's like, okay, well, obviously I didn't plan for this to happen and this is my job. So like I know I can do it. It's obviously something that's like happening in me that I need to like figure out and I couldn't figure it out in 20 minutes before I had to be on stage. But luckily I did and –

I'm just so thankful to the other gigglers for being like, I take beta blockers too. Don't worry about it. Because I did feel less alone. I did feel less crazy, honestly. I felt crazy. Well, I love that the judge messaged you because –

That like the Googles are so strong because it's like you can go two ways. You can go, OK, my body's nervous. I'm having struggles. This is not what I'm meant to do or be like, this is what I'm meant to do. And I'm going to fucking figure it out and battle some demons to get to the next level. And I do. Giving up was not giving up is not an option. I do have to say Paige had like.

in our Denver second show, you had like Paige had a panic attack to the point that like we were I had to look at her and be like, I don't give a fuck. We can cancel the show. The gigglers don't care. And she got this look in her eye, like eye of the tiger. And I put I kept I was like, I can't do that to the girls. I could never do that to the girls.

giving her ice like I don't know why I thought I was like hold the ice and she was like no like I'm at one point you go touch the rug feel be in the moment of how the rug I go what the fuck is that gonna do no but I go I'm literally screaming crying throwing up and you're telling me to touch the fucking rug she's actually screaming I throw you up and I'm like this rug is soft no because someone told me that no Hannah started playing spa music at one point

I go, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. I started playing spa music. I was doing military box breaths with her. Like, I was going full. But this is the problem. Once you get into a panic attack, you've kind of, like, lost the plot already where it's, like, it's more we needed the drugs to kick in. And this bitch, the second we get on stage and the adrenaline hits from the gigglers, and I'm just, like, pretending everything's fine. I think I performed the best I've ever performed. It was the best performance ever.

Also, at one point, Paige was like... I think she was throwing up. Yeah. I was taking selfies and Grace was like...

Your sister's going to jail. And I swear to God, I looked at her and I go, this is what Paige would have wanted. My outfit looks good. Except tell them what you did mid-panic attack when I was getting dressed. No, mid-panic attack. There was so much commotion. Like, my nerves would start to set in when we were, like, leaving the hotel to go to the venue. So, like, I was in my own head. So, like, a lot was going on. So, Hannah had forgotten her top to her outfit. Sorry, I was, like –

I had too much on my plate. She was freaking out and I forgot my fucking top.

Forgot your whole outfit. And in Denver, in the green room, the venue had made us these silk pajamas with Daphne's face on it and Butter's face on it, and they were so cute. So they were in the green room. So Hannah just puts on the pajama top. She's like, perfect. I'm just going to wear this with my skirt. I'm literally trying to box breathe, hysterically crying, and the only words I can get out is, you can't wear that.

out comes out of her blackout to say please don't wear that on stage you're embarrassing me and then goes back into having a full anaphylactic shot no literally needed an epi pen i pull a white t-shirt out of my bag i go put this on our makeup artist madeline saved the fucking day she got me a beta and she gave you her belt

Glam by Gibbs really was there for us. Glam by Gibbs saved our whole fucking life. Meanwhile, also shout out to Grace for like running the show. Then Paige basically is looking at me and I'm just like, um...

I actually was, like, a little too confident in you. I was like, she's being dramatic, but, like, she's going to be good. No, it actually... Now that I think back to it, thank God. Because you were acting so, like, you're going to be fine. That I wasn't freaking out more. Well, I also know you, like, at the end of the day, you are a performer. And, like, I've seen what you've done at these reunions. I'm like...

Going on stage for Giggly Squad, and I also am someone who's dealt with really bad performance anxiety, and I know how the beforehand is the worst, and then once you're in it, you're in it. I also think this is a beautiful full circle moment because when I was about to shoot my Netflix special, do you guys remember the episode that I sat down and I just started crying and you were like...

You good, bro? And I was just like, no. And I was in my, like, this happens. Like, we have these waves. No, like, everyone is a human. Everyone is a human. And it's so, like –

Life is such a wave. Like sometimes you're really up and sometimes you're fucking down. And when you're down, it does not mean that something's wrong with you. It does not mean your whole life is a sham. Your whole career is a sham. Like thinking about that giggler who's the judge, like imagine she had one panic attack before a court case and she was just like,

And now I'm not doing this anymore. And it's like, no, this was your dream. You can do this. You're just psyching yourself out a little. And also what makes you so funny is that you're actually an overthinker and you're anxious and you overanalyze stuff. And that's what makes you so funny. So that's why like a lot of comedians, I'm just a comedian. No,

No, yeah. So like you wouldn't even, we wouldn't have this podcast if we both were like normal. No, if I was normal, I wouldn't be on reality TV the past five years. I'd be a normal person. I do have to say one thing about reality TV. I think the people who do best on it have like actual personality disorders. And I think you're actually healthy. And I think that you finished filming Summer House and immediately went on the road. And like,

And I didn't have like a minute. Anxiety comes from a loss of control, whether it's a control of your identity or control of results. And like, I'm sorry, shooting reality TV, while you're waiting for it to be edited, you're just rethinking everything you said and how everything could be spun and how anything could be put in a different context. Anything could become anything. And you're just like, I don't know. We'll see. And you don't know. And so I do have to say,

For the gigglers who suffer from anxiety, you could sit at home, do nothing, and not deal with anxiety. But arguably, that gives me more anxiety when I'm alone with my thoughts. But if you're chasing a dream and you're putting yourself out there, you're going to deal with crazy moments like this. And I remember when I said it to you that it wasn't helpful at the time. But I said, this is not going to last forever. And I basically was like, treat it like a bad high. Yeah.

Like you were literally having a bad high. Exactly how I would explain it. It was like I was having a bad trip and I was like – and life is like this forever and this is how I see the world now. Like I couldn't even like look at people. Yeah, you're like I can't function anymore and this is me. Yeah, I can't function in society. Like I have to like become a recluse. I'm like thinking about like –

Like, okay, I'm going to have to move out of my apartment. I have to go back to Albany. Like, I just – I felt insane. And I think that also psychs you out because –

Well, then you're scared of yourself. Yes. And then you're also mad at yourself. One of my biggest fears is going crazy. No, I know. One day you just like go crazy and you can't control it. Like the human brain is the scariest thing in the world to me because they don't know anything about it. Like I think that's what scares me the most.

Like when people get into like car accidents, they're like, well, we don't know. They might wake up. They might not. We don't know that much about the brain. Like I always find that to be so terrifying. I do have to say my really bad anxiety moments, they're the fucking worst. But I always become like stronger after in that I have more gratitude for when I'm just fucking okay. Yes. Oh my God. Exactly.

You know, like maybe two weeks ago, you were like, why is this not working? And why is that not working? Then once you are anxious, you're like, can I just be- Survive. Sitting here with my heart rate at a normal rate and I will be happy to be alive. And once you get in that zone, life can throw anything at you. No, you're so fucking right. You're so right. And I also feel like I am very-

I think I'm a Scorpio. I'm a fucking cat. Like, I think I am. I'm psychic. I think I'm very in tune with my body, maybe a little tiny bit more than the average person. Like, I know when something's going on with my body. Like, I knew when I had a cyst on my ovaries. Like, I knew I wasn't getting my period. No, like, I know when things are going on.

Yeah.

Like I can psych myself out. I can ignore certain things in the room to like not infiltrate my brain. Like I am very good at protecting myself, I feel like. But also, but the fact you're so good at that, I think is why your body basically was like, stop lying. We're nervous. We are fucking, and like, we're not like, your brain can only lie to your body for so long before your body's like, I'm fucking not doing this.

I'm not doing this. And I, like, now looking back, like, I just literally have to laugh so hard because I just have the most Italian parents in the fucking world I've ever met. Wait, can we, this is my favorite story. Please. This is my favorite part of the night. Oh, my God, this is my favorite part of the night. My mom is the best mom in the entire world. She is the most nurturing, the most loving. She would literally drop everything and fly to fucking Africa right now if I was like, I need you to pick me up.

And I don't like to tell her about my anxiety sometimes because like you think of

I think of like your mom and like your mom's getting older and you don't want to like burden her with certain things because it's like you don't, you shouldn't have to be a mom anymore. I'm in my 30s. If I tell my mom I'm anxious, then she's going to be anxious with me. And I'm like, she doesn't deserve that. No, she doesn't deserve that. Let her enjoy dinner. Let her enjoy one night of peace. I just, I always think like I'm closer to being a mom than I am to being her child. You're basically two years away from a geriatric pregnancy. Continue. No, it's crazy.

And so sometimes I'm like, I can't put this on my poor mother. She takes on everyone else's shit. But in this moment, it's crazy when like you get hurt or you get sick. Like you truly do revert to being a little kid and you're like, all I want is my fucking mom. Yeah. So I, she knew I was having a kid. Mid-time attack. She goes, I need to call my mom. And I go, great idea. Great idea. Face timer. Great idea. Yeah.

This woman, this bitch gets on fucking FaceTime. I go, mom, I'm having a really bad panic attack. She goes, no, you're not. No. No. All I hear are the words are going. You're not. Stop. Paige, stop. Paige. Stop it. Stop it. Don't do this to yourself. Stop. You're in your own head. Oh, come on. You're fine. Paige, stop. Paige, stop. I felt like.

I was immediately back to being a little kid and like I was being dramatic about something and she's like I don't have the time for it today and it did really help me and then my dad sent me the most dad text message I've ever gotten in my life he goes look

Whenever he's going to say something serious, he starts the sentence out with look. Like, look. Look at me. Look. Look. Here. Like, this is the best advice you're ever going to get in your life. He goes, look. Everyone has – even athletes have a bad game. Some even go into a slump. Look at Tom Brady. They fucking hated him. He just kept going and now he's the best. You're the best. Just keep going.

But honestly, that is so fucking sweet of him. Has zero context for what's going on, but so sweet of him. No, he's...

the best dad in the world. Like he, he's literally, he's just such a quintessential dad. Like growing up, if like something happened to me and I got hurt or like someone was mean to me, like I was going to my mom. So like, I don't think he was ever even put in a situation where like he had to nurture me in like a time like that because I was like, I'm not going to you, dude. Like I'm going, I need my mom.

So now that I'm an adult, like it's just funny. And I love, I love like, I love watching him parent. I don't know. It's just like, I enjoy it. There is something about like the dad relationship that like over time, it does become very sweet. I guess like for me, like,

I'll be talking to my mom every day, and then occasionally my dad will overhear something, and he'll text me and be like, by the way, I'm so proud of you. I love you. And I'm like, okay. I mean, not necessary, but I appreciate you and I love you. I think it's because women are so strong. I see my dad not as weak by any means, but I see my mom –

like my rock and I see my dad as someone like I need to protect a little more you know he's just a man he doesn't know like he's still just a dude so like I just I do have such a different bond with my mom

That I feel like I can say more things. Can I give you – you have a lot of homework the next couple days, including rest. But one of them, I do want you to watch the Simone Biles documentary. I watched it. Because – I thought about her, and then I felt guilty comparing myself to an Olympic athlete. No, but when she was in Tokyo, she has – she gets the yips, which I've had, which are basically like you're in it. You can't just get out of it. And for her, like if she fucked up, she would like break her neck.

She goes back, calls her mom, who's at a viewing party with the whole family. And she goes, mom, I can't do it. And the mom just goes, okay. Okay. And she just goes and she goes, sorry, Simone's not going to perform at the Olympics that she's been training for her whole life for. Everyone go back home. No, that was the energy I felt.

And I also, okay, I thought about Simona. I thought about that moment. And I also thought about how after she was like, people were so mad at me. People were like, you couldn't just get out there and do it. And I felt that. I was like, oh my God, I do not want any of the gigglers to be mad at me because I was like going through this. And so I had like a real mindfuck.

That like that's why when I went out on stage, I was like, OK, just fucking do it because you're going to let down so many girls. It is crazy how like it's all perspective. And like when I played tennis, my perspective was like, you can't make a mistake. If you make a mistake, everyone hates you and you can't play free when you're afraid like that. And then with stand up, I very purposely have a perspective of like you're loose. You're having fun. You're being yourself. There's no losing. I'm proud of you for going out there. But like perspective is crazy. Yeah.

And I think the number one thing that was making me so mad at my own self was like Giggly Squad is my favorite thing in life. Giggly Squad is my favorite hour of the week. I fucking love doing live shows. I was almost mad at myself that I was like, I filmed a whole season of Summer House, didn't have one panic attack. And then I get to like my favorite thing in the world and I'm getting like fucked up in the head. Like I was mad. Yeah.

But you know that that makes sense because your anxiety is going to go to your biggest fear, which is attacking what you love. Yeah. Attacking what you love. 100%. So that was when I – everything goes back to sports. Your dad would get this. I remember my sophomore year of college –

We were working on my second serve and my coach looks at me and goes, you know, I was changing my grip on my second serve and I literally lost my second serve and couldn't get it in all year. The second she said that, I was like, oh, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. And then immediately, like the next time I got on the court, I was shanking it. And I was just like, I lost. Like I made my biggest fear happen. And like I overcame it.

It took forever. It was fucking embarrassing and horrible. I remember my brother coming to one of the matches. I didn't tell him with his friends and I was like double faulting. And I remember hearing him in the crowd like, come on, Hannah. And I remember feeling like it's embarrassing. I think that's so embarrassing. I think that's a really big emotion that people don't talk about with anxiety. You inherently get like embarrassed.

Because like after I had a panic attack, I was like, I'm so sorry. And you were like, for what? Like I felt so bad. Like I literally ran off stage in North Carolina and I was like, I feel like I'm bringing you down. And like I'm so sorry. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? You did fine. Like you just psych yourself out so much.

Yeah. And I'm just, it's just, oh my God, any of the gigglers that have anxiety or take beta blockers or take any type of anxiety medicine, I so fucking feel for you. And I like see you because it's even like I flew home.

Last night on the red eye and I was on the plane and I had a moment where I was like, oh my God, am I going to have a panic attack on this fucking plane? And I was like, no, I'm doing like a normal thing that I've like, I'm sitting on a plane. I'm not even doing anything. Your cortisol levels are so high right now. Anything could get you like anything. No, anything. Anything. Anything.

literally give me a psychotic break. Like, please do not tempt me. I can't even go on Instagram. I don't even want to look at my messages because I'm like any little thing, even if you said you don't like that skirt, I'm done for. I'm literally done for.

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Halloween is right around the corner and I have other fears rather than zombies and ghosts. That's why therapy is a great tool for facing your fears, finding new ways to overcome them, and becoming a better version of yourself. I think one of the scariest things is not facing your fears. I've talked a lot about having anxiety in therapy in recent episodes and it's really helpful to learn positive coping mechanisms, setting boundaries, and it empowers you to be your best version.

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The best thing I've ever done in my entire 31 years on this earth is get a fucking cat. I am unlocking my door at 5.30 this morning. I think my cat... No, I think that Daphne knew my fucking footsteps off of the elevator. Oh, yeah, she knows. Because never in the morning is that bitch awake, like, at 5.30. Okay.

She came running to the door. I had just opened it. So there's no way she even heard it. And my brother was staying at my apartment. So I was being extra quiet. I opened the door. She comes running to me and I was nervous. She was going to be like mad at me because this is the longest I've ever been away from her. She comes running to the door, immediately purring, sticking her head in my face. She had, she has not left my side. Yeah.

It is pure, like, laying with a cat and having your head face to their face is a Xanax. Like, I don't need a Xanax prescription because I have Daphne. And it's just, it's very different from a dog. I don't know how to explain it because I've grown up with dogs my whole life. It is a different, they just feel more human for some reason and, like, less animal.

And she changed my whole life. They do get like love starved. I call it like butter has fun with Des. But like when I come home, she's like, mommy is here. I also on the anxiety note,

There's this like shame that comes with it because it's like a dirty secret. Cause like when we're sitting in the car, you're like, Hannah's not stressed about the show. I feel guilty that I'm stressed. I can't say it out loud. And then it becomes bigger. Cause you're like, it's like a dirty secret that you're hiding. Yes.

Wait, Hannah, that's so true. I would, like, do that with my forehand where, like, I'd be going to the match and be quiet. Everyone's like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah. But in my head, I'm like, they don't know that I'm not going to hit a forehand this match. No, and, like, so many of my friends will be like, oh, I'm, like, I'm in L.A. Like, do you want to meet up before the show? Or, like...

Like my best friend lives in Denver. Sorry, I'm busy. I'm having a panic attack at 4 p.m. I'm like, I can't do anything. And I just like – and I'm like – and I can't tell you that I'm about to rip my hair out and jump off the fucking balcony. But what I've learned is like tennis – it wasn't actually tennis. It's not actually like the shows –

Your anxiety will manifest into something. So, like, I think we're both, like, you're working on a lot of things going on in your life. I was working on a lot of things. And your 30s are about being, like, we have a lot more life to live. How do we do it in a way that we can function healthily? Well, there's a statistic that, like, from, like, I think it's, like, 30 to 34 that, like,

If you're going to developing anxiety and depression, like for women, that's the age you're going to feel it the most like heightened, which is a lot of women get pregnant during that time, which is like, so they're already dealing with postpartum. I think there's a lot of pressure on women. I would say there's the most pressure on women from age 30 to 35.

Because like you are expected to get married, have a baby. If like you're not married and have a baby before 35 and then like after, you're kind of like disregarded in a sense. So I think there's at that age, there's probably the most pressure on us because it's like you're supposed to have it all together by now. Where men get a little bit more of a leeway. They like they get, I think, more pressure when they turn like 40, right?

I mean, no one gave a shit Des wasn't married at 44. Right, no one would give a shit. And it's also like back then when your only purpose was to get married and have a family, that's all you focused on. But now women are like, I want an education. I want to be financially independent. I'd like to have a bank account. Sue me. Wait, I literally was thinking...

I was thinking about how ics were created because back then you like couldn't have an ic. Like you had to like the guy. Like divorce was illegal back then. No. Ics are like a privilege. Yeah.

No, eggs are literally women finally being like, wait, he sits crisscross applesauce. I'm not fucking marrying this dude because I'm financially independent. I have my own passions and I don't need this man. But it's the kid thing that get people like, oh, I need to settle down so I can have that family unit by whatever. Yeah, because of just like your biological clock is like we don't have much time. Okay, Marissa Tomei.

But what I do realize about time is, like, again, it takes one moment in your life for, like, everything to change. Meeting the right person, like, just the right career. Like, everything can happen. Quitting a job. And we can always move and change, and everyone's going to be fine. Everyone's going to be fine. Moral of the story, everyone's going to be fine as long as they get some –

Big Pharma. But I do have to tell you, speaking of Big Pharma, because you smoke weed, right? Well, I haven't. You haven't? In like a week. So you're probably having a little... I just think it's having like a reverse effect on me. So like I have just been like raw dogging life. And I don't really drink. Like I don't...

But I think a lot of people are like you where you're basically like, I don't need medication, but you smoke weed. And like I had an ex who like I knew I need to get out of the relationship and I was having panic attacks like next to him when I was sleeping in bed because my body was like, get out. And I told him like, I'm going to go on Prozac. And he literally...

I was going to an insane asylum. Yeah. And he would wake up and take a hit of weed. Like this man was so self-medicating with weed. Yeah, that's self-medicating. But me going on 10 milligrams of fucking Paxil was crazy to you. I'm like, you haven't had a sober thought in years. And like, and he's like. No, I completely get that.

I think also like no one in my family has ever been on medicine. So like also to be the first, also no one in my family has ever gone to therapy, you know? So like to be the first person to like go to therapy or like, oh, I might need to take medicine. It is a kind of a scary position to be because like, I'm sorry, but like the oldest daughter has a fucking lot on her shoulders. Like I feel like.

It's just you're the first to do a lot of things, I feel like. You're breaking generational. Yeah, you're breaking generational habits. Like, yeah, I'm so proud of you. But I also was telling like my shit because like when I saw it happening to you, I was like, I've fucking been there and it's the most.

uncomfortable feeling. But like you could have honestly day one in Denver been like Hannah I'm going home like I'm done. But you like you're a fighter and you're so strong. I think what what kept me from not doing that is I knew in my head if

I didn't go out on stage for the Denver show, I would have never gone back on stage. I would have, I would have, it would have gotten too big. I would have felt too bad. And I would have said, cancel the whole tour. And I, and I know that about myself. So I was kind of like, it's kind of like when you're a little kid and it's like you fall off the jungle gym. And if you never go back on the jungle gym, you will forever be afraid of the jungle gym.

And so I was like, I have to go back. I have to go on stage right now, even though I'm going through this or I never will again. And I think that scared me the most. And you know, your mind's playing tricks on you. So you will make that memory like it was the most horrible thing ever. And you'll make it so much worse than it was. And I remember telling you, do you remember? I

How I was like, I'm so happy you went on again, because if you were to go to therapy about it, the biggest thing they do is exposure therapy, which means keep whatever your fear is, like do it a little, keep doing it. And then you realize, oh, my God, this is a made up fear. So you basically exposure therapy yourself throughout this weekend. And by the end, you were like so much better because you were like, oh, my God, wait, wait.

By Sunday, I was like, I'm fine. Like, I just need to like get home and rest now. Because also, I feel like people don't talk about this enough.

a panic attack to your like physical body is so fucking draining. Like you're so emotionally and mentally drained already, but then physically you're hung over. You're like, I feel like I ran a marathon because my adrenaline got so fucking high that my body's now like coming down. Like I literally felt like I was on a bender of drugs and I was coming down.

Well, you had a trip. You had like an anxiety trip.

I don't think the altitude helped either. I've, I'm going to be honest. I need to find someone who does astrology where it's like, Oh, like you should live in this part of the country. Like because of the stars. I think the Denver has something out for me. I've rarely, I've never really had a good time. Anytime I've ever been to Denver, I can't really, I don't like, I've been to Aspen a handful of times. I know people are like, Oh my God, it's like so chic and whatever. Um,

I can't handle it. Everything I said about Oklahoma City. Fuck Denver. Tell them about the IVs. Tell them about the IVs. Oh, my God. So when we first get to Denver, I'm like, oh, this is actually I'm going to get an IV. This will help. This is before I'm even feeling anxious. This will solve all my problems. I'm like, I'll get some vitamins in me. It'll help with the altitude. Like, I'll be better than ever.

My anxiety started to hit in the middle of us getting IVs because I thought, wait a second, wait a second. This lady could be putting anything in this bag. How do we really know she's even a nurse? What if she's fentanyl in there right now and I'm about to pass out and die? Like my brain just took over.

But then she looks at Paige and she's like, oh, my God, I have to get a smaller needle because your veins are so tiny. And I'm immediately like, oh, my God, this is going to be her whole personality for the next year. It was my whole personality for that whole weekend. I was like, I'm sorry, did you just say that I have the skinniest veins ever?

In the state of Colorado? I'm a baby. My veins are baby. You have to get a baby needle. She's like, I've never seen something so tiny. Your vagina canal must be so narrow. And I'm sitting there like, yeah, I'm like, oh no. Cause she comes to me next. And obviously I have to ask her, I'm like, how are my veins? How do they look? And she's like, healthy, normal, normal. And I'm like, okay.

they're body positive. They're, you know, they're normal for a girl your age. They're great. They're fucking great. I'm just fucking fat shaming my babies. You know, it was, and then we went to a cat cafe, which did actually calm me down a lot during that day. Well, you were low key, like getting scared of the cat cafe. Cause she was like, who are these like random street cats that are probably smelly and are going to attack me.

I thought it was like – I thought it was going to be like a restaurant. I don't know why in my head I was picturing it to be like a full restaurant and there were just like cats walking around. And I was like, I feel like there's a health code violation. So HIPAA is somewhere. Yeah, HIPAA has to be involved in there somewhere. But when you walk in, it's really just like a – it's like a – it's someone's living room basically and there's just cats. And it was –

I think the best feeling ever was there was a cat there that they were like, we've had him for two weeks and he has not come out of his little house and has not let anyone pet him. And I went over to him and he's like... Yeah. And I went over to him and I think we telepathically were like, we're not okay. And because he immediately poked his head out and was like, I would like you to pet me. And I was like, this is just as much for me as it is for you. Like...

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So yeah, we did Denver. Then we went to like, well, I told Paige, I was like, I think it's just happening because of the altitude. Cause I'm just trying to shift your narrative. You know, I'm like, it's altitude Denver. We're going to be fine. We're going to San Diego. The number one thing you can do to help people that are having a panic attack is lie to them. Just lie right through your fucking teeth to them. I just Googled it. It's the air. But actually like the air was fucking with me too. I was like, am I like, it was like the air is on Ozempic. It's so fucking thin.

just I got my period that day too yes it was a perfect storm yeah it truly was so I was like dude you are so sane it's everyone else that's crazy um but then so Paige is on her iPad we're heading to San Diego she's like watching This Is Us she's so happy in the back I'm like great then I'm realizing we're like going an hour from San Diego but it's through these like mountains and we're just going like higher and higher in the mountains and I was like oh no oh no yeah

I feel like the altitude is... I looked out the window at one point and we were on the edge of a cliff and I go, it's not for me right now. I'm going to go back to my iPad. I literally couldn't do it. I told Grace, I was like, do not let Paige get her eye off the iPad because she will be freaking out. It was a gorgeous scenic route from the two seconds I looked, but I was like, if I... One more second in this car, I'm jumping out the window off this cliff. We were on the edge of a cliff and I was like, this is not good. This is not good. No, I had to sit straight. We get it straight.

But then we got to LA. Jax DMs me, who, by the way, I just have to say, I'm a huge fan of Vanderpump rules. Like day one, when I was actually going through my, like the worst breakup of my life when I was like 26, I would just go home, watch Vanderpump and watch them fight. And it just like cured my depression. So like fuck Prozac, go on Vanderpump. So I have a soft spot for all the Vanderpump people. And Jax I've never met.

And he DMs me and he's like, I love Giggly Squad. Like, can I come to the show tomorrow? Schwartz is coming. And I was like, yes, like come through. And I like for kind of low key forgot they were there because we were dealing with drama backstage. Yeah. No, I was dying. And then in the Q&A, he grabs, he gets the mic from, Grace gave him the mic. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's like, everyone's like, Jax is here. And everyone starts freaking out. It was so funny. But immediately I was nervous for him because I was like, what are we going to say here? I was so nervous. I was like, the Gigglers are not, they're not to be managed. Like, this is a free for all. The Gigglers are wound so tight by the end of the show. Like, they would, like, throw stones at a man if they could. Like, they're just, like, in a...

I saw an Instagram story and Jack says, like, hi, like, hi, Paige and Hannah, like, thanks for having us because we, like, gave them tickets. Like, I knew what he meant. And some girl yelled, we didn't have you. Like...

I just was so scared. It was ballsy of him. And at one point, I was like, should we get Jax or Schwartz up for Izzy Trash? And you were like, honestly, I don't think that's a good idea. I didn't think it was the smartest idea to give... We already give a man too much attention by bringing them up on stage. I don't think...

I didn't want to do anything more to piss the gigglers off. And I was not in the mental state to even deal with that. Yeah, we were not mentally. So when he took the mic, I was like, oh, no, no. And then he, like, introduces Schwartz. So he was like, Schwartz is opener. And I was like, okay, what's happening? Schwartz gets the mic. And then I immediately am trying to, like, make sure everyone's happy. So I'm like, Schwartz, do you remember, like, seven years ago when we filmed Summer House together? He says no. He goes no. And then he tagged the wrong Hannah.

He tagged Hannah Ann from The Bachelorette. I didn't even notice it until he DM'd me. I didn't notice that because he didn't tag me. But then he DM'd me after and goes, sorry, I tagged the wrong Hannah. But anyway, he says no. And I was like, oh, God. And then he goes...

are we trash? And honestly, that was the crowd went wild. The crowd went wild. That was the sweetest, most iconic, like nailed it. And shout out to the boys. Yeah. It was so nice of them to come. Yeah. It truly at the end of the day was nice. Do you remember our first season? Was it our first season? I remember it was our first season where like,

back then at that time in summer house when you were a new cast member like you didn't really count like people didn't really talk to you we weren't even allowed to be on watch what happens live our first season we were bartenders um so like when Vanderpump came in like we literally were like we're not going to talk to them like they were like I couldn't have been more starstruck by Stassi I didn't make eye contact with Stassi I was like I do not want to at any time make Stassi feel uncomfortable yeah and shout out to Stassi she

It was so nice. A three-time New York Times bestseller. Times bestseller. Incredible. But Schwartz came in, and I remember now, he came in with like, he was having a butthole problem. Because him and Katie had just come back from Mexico. Came from Mexico. They had all just come from Mexico, I think, from a cast trip. And we were so excited. And he went to the hospital. They were like, Tom went to the hospital. And we're like, what happened? They were like, his butthole ripped. What?

And I'm saying that because it was on TV. It wasn't like a secret. And me and Hannah are looking at each other like, there's a lot of jokes to be made here and we feel like we're not taking advantage of it and it's not appropriate. We were not allowed to speak like that. And that's, I think, really how Giggly Squad started. We would say all the funny stuff in the bathroom alone and then come out and be like, yes.

No, Giggly Squad started truly from being in awkward situations together and no one making the jokes that needed to be made to diffuse the situation. And we were like, we're going to take it to the podcast. We literally had a joke. My first season, we had a joke how one of the producers, they would like tell you like

who they wanted in the scene. So sometimes, like, I'll just be hanging around. They'd be like, Hannah, could you actually... Could you go downstairs and... Could you go under the couch? Like, they'd always be like, Hannah, could you not... Like, I remember once someone was crying and I was consoling them and they were like, Hannah, could you... Could you just stop? Could you go? Could you actually get out? Were you actually gonna get just the two of them? Can you open the door and just keep walking into the highway? So then we kept joking with them. Like, they'd be like, Hannah. And I'm like, should I jump off a bridge? Is that what I should do? So...

We've really grown and learned from those situations. No, we've had so many inside jokes and, like, behind the scenes just ridiculousness that I don't even know. I did make a mistake in that I've – I don't know if I want to say it out loud, but I will. I've become a worm comedian, and I did it to myself. Yeah.

You're a slapstick comedian. Is that what it is? Literally the people who are in charge were like, we don't understand why you have to do the worm at the beginning of your Netflix special. And I was like, you clearly don't understand me. You don't support women in the arts. You've never seen something like this before. And I'm like changing the game. This is a sports podcast.

Yeah. But then the gigglers keep chanting to do the worm and I have, I will succumb to peer pressure like for way less than 3000 girls yelling my name. Right. So the first night I'm wearing a full like

bubble skirt yeah and I go okay let's do it the second I do the worm the skirt goes over my head I mean what else was it gonna do I was like hoping that it wouldn't and then I immediately was like I'm Addison Rae and Diet Pepsi and I start like flashing the crowd with also guys I'm wearing full white Amazon granny panties like people I think a guy puked in the front like he was like what is this

You were like already having a panic attack. So you didn't even notice that my ass came out. I didn't notice that your ass came out until I saw a video from like the other angle of like what the crowd saw. You didn't even know you were on stage. No.

And then when the other shows, a girl raises her hand. She's like, can I do the worm with you on stage? So I was like, obviously. She was so good. So good. Somehow we do it perfectly synchronized like dolphins. No, you were literally Olympic like synchronized swimmers. It was nuts. So I pulled my lower back and tore my ACL. But like the show must go on. No, the show must go on. And...

Oh, my God. I just, like, I'm so thankful for the gigglers. And so, like, if you guys have anxiety, like, just listen to my dad. Like, literally just keep going because the worst thing you can do is let it win and, like, succumb to it and not –

do what you're meant to do and I think that's like really powerful also now that it's happened once you can start realizing like oh this is my anxiety which isn't me like when I was younger I literally would get like a scary thought and I'd be like this is true like yeah the thought came to me for a reason and now I have to address it and give it energy and listen where now you hear a thought and you go you stupid bitch can you please can we not right now

And also, I just want to say one thing. Like, obviously, I was taking medicine that, like, was not prescribed for me. Oh, yeah. Like, because I had to do it. I was, like, raw dogging it. Yeah.

I am obviously going to go to like a legitimate doctor, get like a prescription for myself of like what I could possibly need. And I think it's like so important because a perfect example is I took half a Xanax at one point because I didn't have a beta blocker and it was not for me. And so like, I think even knowing certain things like that is really important too, because like,

Yeah, you can get fucked up and your thoughts can get really scary. Like even when I had like surgery on my ovaries, I think I was on like oxys for like pain management. I did not like them at all. They made me super emotional. I had the craziest, weirdest, intrusive thoughts. Like I did not like it. And the same with Xanax. Like I – it just was not for me. So if you are like dealing with anxiety, it's really important for like you to find something that works for your body because it's definitely not –

one fits all at all yeah and we're not literally telling everyone to get off their birth control and go on SSRIs like that's not what we're saying but for me like I would go on them when I was in like an intense crazy time and then I would get off them but I do have to say for anyone who's scared of it like changing your personality for me I'm on like a little bit of Prozac and it just like quiets the voices that aren't yours like I'm actually more myself and

But it's also like you can get off – like you have to get off slowly but like you find what's right for you. It's definitely a journey and a process and I'm definitely going to be starting it. You have to be also like eating better. Like you can't just – you have to be getting sunlight. You have to be talking to a therapist. Well, that's the other thing like being on tour. Like it's not healthy.

It's so rewarding, but it's not the healthiest thing for your body. We're on a plane every single day, which is already dehydrating you. We get into a hotel. They have the grossest food ever. We try and get as many Caesar salads as we can, but it's hard. And then with the type of anxiety that I have, I –

lose all my appetite. Like, I have to force myself to, like, have a piece of toast because I literally can't stomach it because I feel like I'm going to throw up. But also, like, when you go on stage and you're calm, like, you're going to be so proud of yourself and feel so strong. And, like, it's just – Like, I was so proud of myself after L.A., like, doing two shows and then, like, going back to my hotel room. I was, like, so dizzy, but I was, like, you did it right.

I saw this guy on Instagram and he was saying how like empathic people are like good at performing because we can read a room really well. But that's why sometimes when we're around too many people, we take in too much. But then I was thinking and I was like, isn't that or do you just always think people are judging you and you think you know how everyone's feeling around you?

No, I think it's an inherent, like, inner, like, you always, well, here's the other thing. Everyone is staring at us because we are up on stage. So, yeah, you do feel like, oh, my God, there's 3,000 people looking at me. I hope that each person,

Every person in there is having a good time and is happy and likes it. And that's just... That just can never happen. Like, there's going to be at least a couple people, like... No, everyone loves it. But that's... But that's definitely a thought. I don't feel delusional. No, and that's good. And I need to more because...

Yeah, like, you do feel judged. You can't control everyone. And the only thing you can control is that you're having fun. And I always say people won't remember what you said. They remember how you made them feel. Like, people aren't leaving... Some of them will leave Giggly Squad and be like, that line was so good. But overall, they're just like, I love the fucking energy of Giggly Squad. And, you know, sometimes we do bring bad energy to the function. No, I showed up to the function and I said...

This is the energy I'm bringing. My mom literally used voice rest today on the phone. I told her I had to do something this week and she goes, you know what? Say you're on voice rest that you literally can't go. And I was like, okay, that is now a real trend. Just know that whatever energy you bring to the function is not forever. No, we'd be like being the Uber and Paige is like dry heaving and I'd be like,

So how? What's the most popular restaurant around here? To the Uber driver. No, you were being so normal in so many situations. And I was like... I was like, that's just, she just has an itch in her throat. I was like, do I have... I need a will. I'm not going to make it much longer. You thought you had like a cancerous... Oh, I thought I had a cancerous tumor on the back of my neck. You did. I was like, I feel like something...

was a warning. Something might be amiss. That was the first thing. I was like, I think I have a tumor on the back of my neck, but I'm just going to ride it out and see what happens. I go, I feel like if you had a cancerous tumor in the back of your neck, you would, I feel like you would know by now. You're like, I'm pretty sure it's your spine, but like, we'll definitely get that checked out at some point.

Anyway, guys, thank you so much for giggling with us this week. I think it's important for us to have a full mental health episode every couple months when one of us has a mental breakdown. And one thing is we will always be honest with you guys. We will never come on here talking that fake shit, being like, oh my God.

Like, life is so easy and fun. Life is so crazy. No, it's like, I want to die every second. And just get a cat. Like, truly, the only advice I can give is get a cat. And I do have to say this was therapeutic because as gigglers, we will find the funny in everything because you can't take life too seriously or you'll not make it. So thank you for giggling. We love you guys. And get tickets for our show in Atlanta. It's going to be coming up.

Free beta bloggers at the door. Go to a Giggly Squad show because honestly we all can have panic attacks together. That's what Club Giggly is about. It's not like other clubs. There is no cocaine. There is no Molly. There is only Prozac, Xanax, beta bloggers. You can leave at any time. You can take a nap. If you're overstimulated, you get yourself right out of there. It is a safe space for the gigglers. We love you guys. Have an amazing week. Bye. Bye.